1
[RUMBLING]
[BEEPlNG]
[CAMERA SHUTTER WHIRRlNG
AND CLlCKlNG]
[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG]
I have a package from
the nat-sat printing room.
Say it a little louder.
Open the window.
Shout it to Moscow.
Sorry. l....
It's not your fault you're stupid.
-Open it and get out.
-lt's chained to my wrist.
Security has the key.
Leave the material,
take the case, and wait outside.
No can do, sir.
The material's locked inside.
Just give it to me.
Get in the closet.
Hi-weather transmitted
this an hour ago.
KEYES:
Beautiful close-ups!
Miegs and Sline will drool.
They're late again.
Unusual for soldiers.
They know what they're doing.
-Gentlemen.
-Here they are.
-Are those from the latest fly-by?
RUBY: Over here, general.
Wait.
Is someone in this closet?
-lgnore him.
-He's one of our couriers.
Oh.
Okay.
Nice close-ups.
Definitely approaching full-go hour.
I greased the House Committee
for covert appropriations.
They think the funds are
for more stealth bombers.
We've selected two GLG-20s.
They're the best men we have.
The last two were the best men we had.
Now they're the two best dead men
we have.
I'm convinced there's a security leak
in your training program.
-We could bypass training.
-No. They'll go through training.
But with four other GLG-20s...
...two who are responsible
for the project and two who are...
...disposable.
Are you suggesting we assign this job
to inferior personnel?
No, I understand.
Two teams.
One to do the job,
the other to be a diversion.
-You mean decoys? Targets?
-Exactly.
GLG-20s don't grow exactly on trees.
I'd hate to waste two as targets.
I'm sure you can find a couple
of men you won't mind wasting.
[INAUDIBLE DlALOGUE]
What?
[INAUDIBLE DlALOGUE]
-What?
-Aren't you taking this test tomorrow?
-The Foreign Service Board? Yeah.
-Don't you have to study?
No. Are you kidding?
I know the FSB exam backwards.
-l've taken it three times already.
-lt's supposed to be all different this year.
-Five hundred questions in two hours.
-Let me see the booklet.
Look at these samples.
All multiple choice. It's easy.
Here.
"If discovered appropriating classified
documents at a foreign consulate reception...
...you should
A, express concern.
B, act surprised.
C, deny everything...
...and D, all three."
The answer is D, all three.
Common sense.
I guess you don't want advancement
bad enough.
My granddad was an envoy.
My dad was an envoy.
I was born into the trade.
Besides, l've arranged for an
intimate lunch with our supervisor.
Fitz, you have to take the test.
I'm very hurt that's why you invited me
over here today.
Don't do that, Alice.
I'm sorry, I'm not myself today.
I saw my neurologist this morning.
You're not gonna give me
some bullshit that you're dying, are you?
No...
...not now.
[PETER AYKROYD'S "ROCK THE HOUSE
DOWN" PLAYlNG OVER STEREO]
OFFlCER:
Millbarge.
[TURNS MUSlC OFF]
-Where's the brain for the Scramjam 7000?
-Procurement picked it up over an hour ago.
Was it fixed?
Yeah, new voice scramblers
and everything.
Huh. What about that
Chinese radio chatter?
It's done.
-Here you go.
-Done?
It was a static-filled, triple-scrambled
microwave transmission...
...between two soldiers
talking in Mandarin Chinese.
The Chinese were only using a simple
polyphonetically grouped 20-digit key...
...transposed in boustrophendonic form
with multiple nulls.
I broke it with this.
A Drogan's decoder wheel?
They put these in cereal boxes
for kids.
Yeah, l found it in a box
of Lucky Charms.
-Break it down again with the machines!
-l already did.
Then clean up the desk!
Good. That's much better.
By the way, good luck
on the test tomorrow.
-What test?
-Foreign Service Board exams. Good luck.
Foreign Service Boards, tomorrow?
I can't take that test tomorrow.
I haven't studied. l'm not prepared.
You were bumped up on the list.
You're scheduled for tomorrow
morning. I'm sure l told you.
This is dated two weeks ago.
You planned this.
You want me to fail that test
so you can keep me...
...down here in the center of the earth
doing your work for you.
Watch your mouth, mister.
This department's laying off
civilians left and right.
-Where you going?
-Home. To study.
Ha. One night studying for
a grade-1 9 FSB exam?
-Good luck.
-Listen, captain.
I'm going to pass that exam,
and l'm going to get out of this hole...
...and do some really important work
for national security.
Yeah, sure.
I was going to do your family a favor
and hook up the Disney Channel...
...for free. Well, forget it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...as of this afternoon, the undersecretary
for South American affairs...
...emphatically denies
any and all intervention...
...in the current realignment of top positions
of the Paraguayan Air Force.
Thank you very much.
What about the Paraguayan army's request
for spraying subsidies?
Are there any Paraguayans here?
No?
Their request for subsidies
was not Paraguayan, as it were.
The United States would never--
The president, our president, had not.
As far as l know, that's how
it'll always be. Is that clear?
[TALKlNG OVER EACH OTHER]
How can you say we aren't
spending millions on spraying...
...when the International
Wheat Board has reported...
...and l quote, "Extensive contamination
in the Argentine grain fields"?
The State-- Ever--
Microphones...
...cutting out on us.
I'm sorry. However--
[MIMlCS SOUND CUTTING OFF]
Lunch date, so l must go.
[ALL CLAMORING]
These examinations
are qualifiers for positions...
...in the intelligence sections
of our embassies overseas.
The nature of your postings
will be secret.
Now, secret work can be very risky.
I cite as an example what happened to
a great American--
Not yet!
-Oh. I'm sorry.
-Excuse me.
My fault.
[WOMAN CLEARS THROAT]
Mm....
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to attend the reading of a will.
I had to stay to the very end.
I found out I received nothing.
Broke my arm.
[COUGHS]
Oh, uh....
Would you hold my wallet
while l take the test please?
There's $1 ,000 in there...
...or maybe there isn't.
Know what l mean?
Are you saying l can take this money
if l help you pass the test?
What do you think?
Thank you.
-Where do I--?
-Sit down!
You may begin...
...now.
[FARTS]
Excuse me.
[CLEARING THROAT]
[CLEARING THROA MORE FORCEFULLY]
[CLEARING THROA THEN COUGHlNG LOUDLY]
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Oh, God, the pressure!
I can't take it!
[SOBBlNG]
I can't take it! I can't!
I can't do it!
[FlTZ-HUME RESUMES SOBBlNG]
I can't-- What page?
RUBY:
This is Emmett Fitz-Hume.
He's an information
officer at State.
He started there in '74 as a mail boy.
His father got him his job.
This is Austin Millbarge.
He's a repair supervisor in DlA's
code-breaking arm at the Pentagon.
Wiggled into supervisor's pay
through an F-section.
His last job before joining Defense
was fixing office copiers.
He's good with hardware,
got some Russian.
Want to see their test scores?
What the hell for?
They're a couple of absolutely
self-involved bullshit artists...
...who got caught cheating
on a departmental exam.
They'll do anything
to save their jobs.
One's got basic diplomacy skills.
The other's a code-breaker
with language ability.
I believe we've found our decoys.
[GRUNTlNG AND GROANING]
FITZ-HUME:
Uhn. Heart attack!
[FlTZ-HUME GROANING OVER TV]
Can l borrow your pen?
All right, everybody,
please stand back!
I'm a trained cardiovascular
respiratory emergency assist technician.
Stand back! This man needs air!
All of you should leave the room--
Well?
So, what are we gonna get?
Dismissal? Suspension?
Censure? Departmental prosecution?
What?
Promotion.
-What?
-That's right.
We like what we've seen of you two.
We're bucking you
right up to gathering.
Level 20.
Gathering, level 20?
That's quite a step up in base pay.
We're not in trouble?
We're not recruiting
for the Boy Scouts.
We want people who are aggressive...
...who know how to go after that
little edge that you need to survive.
We especially liked the way you guys
were working as a team in there.
Now, if you feel you can work together,
you're on your way up.
We've got a very special assignment
for you two.
-Foreign service?
-Yes.
-Undercover work?
-Yes.
-Emmett Fitz-Hume.
-Austin Millbarge.
-When do we begin our training?
-Right away.
[CHUCKLES]
Boy!
We're just hitching a ride.
They won't make us jump.
Jump? No chance.
We won't have to jump.
[ALARM SOUNDS]
All right, Sky-troopers!
Let's go! Let's go!
Go?
What does he mean, go?
Come on, come on. You can't do this!
What are you doing? Aaah!
Fitz-Hume!
[SCREAMlNG]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Help! Help!
Ooh!
Help! Help! Help! Help!
[FlTZ-HUME SHOUTING]
[GRUNTlNG]
[SCREAMlNG]
[BOTH YELLING AND GRUNTING]
-Where are we?
-l don't know. I wasn't watching.
I lost everything at 7,000 feet.
[ANlMAL HOOTS]
-You hear that?
-Yeah. It's a dickfer.
-What's a dickfer?
-To pee with.
[VOICE SCREAMS]
Was that me?
[NlNJAS YELLING]
-We need a plan.
-Let's play dead.
[BOTH YELL]
-Come on, superspy, think of something.
-You're the diplomat. Talk to them.
[ALL GRUNTING]
All right.
Stop right there,
and l'll bring back the sun.
Okay?
This is my sister.
You can all have her.
I hear she's very good.
-One more step, l swing!
-He's threatening you!
Let's get him!
-Show some balls!
-lt's too late to try to impress them.
That's enough.
-Austin Millbarge?
-Here, sir.
Emmett Fitz-Hume.
Hello.
Sir.
Colonel Rhombus, Special Projects
Training. We've been expecting you.
Excuse me, but what was all this...?
That's how l welcome new trainees.
What's wrong with
coffee and a handshake?
It's my job to get you prepared
to go out into the field for combat.
I must know right away
what I've got to work with.
I've made my decision.
-What's it say?
-Pussy.
I don't think that's fair. They had swords.
What are we supposed to do?
It depends on your
particular arena of combat.
Maybe this.
[ALL GRUNTING AND GROANlNG]
Oh!
I'll take you back to the base.
MEN:
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
RHOMBUS:
This is the obstacle course.
It's the course familiar
to armed service recruits.
Except that here in
Intelligence Operative Training...
...we do it a bit differently.
We add the element
of scorched earth.
[EXPLOSlONS]
This is your standard
bog negotiation trial.
You'll be judged
on survivability and time.
Enter...
...now!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
-Heads down!
-Hah! Oh!
This will verify your ability
to stay afloat at high speeds.
[GASPS]
[BOTH SHOUTlNG]
We'll now begin with AFPSR...
...air force passive strain response.
You are not required
to exert yourself.
Only to survive aggravated
body temperature measurement.
-Whoa! Ooh!
MlLLBARGE: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Hot! Hot! Hot!
We'll now determine your G-force
threshold. Relax, gentlemen.
-l guess we just sit here?
-Piece of cake.
[MACHlNE WHIRRING]
-You want some coffee?
-Good idea.
Huh.
[SOLDIERS CHANTlNG]
Colonel, we were just talking....
We've had loads of fun here.
And, you know, we met new friends...
...and had a great lunch, right?
Yeah, the tuna-and-cream casserole
was beautiful.
Anyway, we were just talking
and we'd like to go home now.
So thanks for the bruises,
and you can keep the stool samples.
Boys, it would be a shame
to have to kill you now.
-What did he mean by that?
-Means we're OlO.
What's that?
Obligated involuntary officers.
Gentlemen, begin
radical vertical impact simulation...
...now.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
You wanted to see us, sir?
Sit.
Congratulations, men.
You're about to enter the operational phase
of your assignment.
I'm not authorized to give you
the full operational package...
...but l will tell you the location of
your initial drop will be well inside Pakistan.
-Pakistan?
-Pakistan?
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[GOATS BLEATING]
[CHICKENS CLUCKlNG]
[SPEAKS IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
[VILLAGERS CHATTERlNG
IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Is one of these people
our contact?
Okay. Who led the American League
in home runs in 1 953?
[GUNS COCKING]
I'll handle this.
[IN PASHTO]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[IN ENGLlSH] What's he doing?
-That's just their way of saying hello.
Hello. I'm Austin.
[SHOUTS IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
Hi. Bud Schnelker, liaison office.
U.S. consulate, Karachi.
Rob Hodges. DIA, West Asian section.
Welcome to Pakistan.
Boy, you don't know
how glad we are to see you guys.
-When's lunch?
-Come on, guys. Jeep's over here.
MlLLBARGE:
I'm starving. What time you got?
Hey, listen. Could we stop?
-What's the matter?
-l gotta take a leak.
You should go too.
Are you my mother?
Don't you think l'm capable of determining
my own time to go to the bathroom?
Isn't now one of those times?
[CHUCKLES]
No.
You don't feel urgent pressure
on the inner wall of your bladder...
-...now, right at this moment?
-No. I'm fine.
Wouldn't you feel more comfortable
being fully relieved...
...of any excess fluids that might be
building up, immediately, right now?
I got to take a whiz?
-Don't go away.
-We'll be here.
These guys are not our legitimate contacts.
These guys are KGB special branch.
-Come on.
-Don't tell me to come on.
That was a Russian wristwatch.
I know the country of origin
of every timepiece.
That was a Russian copy
of a 1 969 Timex digital.
Is this some kind of a hobby
with you?
Most common slip-up in espionage.
We walked right into enemy hands.
-Hi.
-Just between us...
...if you know your final objective...
...you'd be smart to tell us. We could
probably work things out quicker for you.
Well, like he said, we still don't know.
You know what they say
about this type of operation:
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
[BOTH SPEAK lN RUSSIAN]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
-Feet.
-Hat.
[GRUNTlNG]
Come on!
Look out!
[SIGHS]
-They sure had me fooled.
-The Soviets obviously know we're here now.
-Where to, boss?
-First we check our gasoline supply.
-How's our gasoline supply?
-Eight 5-gallon cans.
-That enough to get us to an airport?
-l hope so.
We'll drive in shifts.
One drives, the other sleeps.
I'll drive, you sleep.
-Wake me up when you get tired.
-Okay.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-Sleep tight.
-Thanks.
-Don't let the bedbugs bite.
-Okay.
Night.
[WHlSTLlNG]
Good morning. ls there
an airport near here?
[SHOUTS IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
[PEOPLE SHOUTING
IN FORElGN LANGUAGE IN DlSTANCE]
[HORSES NEIGHlNG]
Austin. Your turn to drive.
These are the Yusufzai.
They're Afghani freedom-fighters.
They're our allies.
Oh!
We're Americans!
[MAN SHOUTS lN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
[MAN SPEAKS lN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
Dr. Hadley!
[SPEAKS ANGRILY lN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Oh, my God!
What do you think you're doing?
[SHOUTS IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
Sorry about this.
They're very distrustful of outsiders.
-No problem.
-Get your men to cut them down.
[SPEAKS IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
[GRUNTS]
[MAN SHOUTS lN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
-Who are you?
-Oh, sorry.
Hadley, London College of Medicine.
They only allow us here
because we're helping with the wounded.
-They didn't realize you were with the effort.
-With who?
The United Nations medical effort,
of course.
Aren't you
Drs. Trowbridge and Greenberg?
Doctors?
Yeah, sure. That's us. Uh-huh. We're
doctors. I'm Dr. Trowbridge. This is Dr....
-Greenbaum.
-Berg.
Greenbaumberg. We're doctors.
Everybody looks fine here.
What do you say?
I say yes, doctor.
Stick your tongue out, please.
Everything's fine.
I guess we'll be heading back
to the old U.N.
And of course we'll let them know
what a good job you're doing here.
[LAUGHS]
The American sense of humor.
Come on. The others
are anxious to meet you.
Have we received
the last shipment of penicillin yet?
-Not yet, no.
-Possibly tomorrow.
Two envoys are coming.
Ah. Here we are.
I'm Hadley, Internal Medicine.
Dr. La Fong, Communicable Diseases.
Dr. Boyer, Bacteriology.
Doctors Stinson, Marston, and Gill
of Northampton Trauma lnstitute.
And Dr. lmhaus of
the Zurich relief fund.
These are our newly arrived surgeons,
Trowbridge and Greenbaum.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
IMHAUS: Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
GILL: Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
Doctor.
-And, doctor.
-Did we miss anyone?
HADLEY:
Why don't you gentlemen relax.
The tribe's planning a raid on
a Soviet tank division tomorrow.
There will be plenty for us
to do then.
Doctors.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
MARSTON: Doctor.
-Doctor.
GILL: Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
We're not doctors.
We've got to get out of this place,
immediately, if not sooner.
-Not until I've had--
-Excuse me.
[WHlSPERS]
Her.
-Am I interrupting?
-No! Not at all. He was just on his way out.
What happens when
the real doctors come?
[CLEARS THROAT]
-Dr. Trowbridge.
-Where?
Oh! Right.
-Make yourself comfortable. Sit down.
-Thank you.
[CLATTERlNG]
What can I do for you?
Dr. Trowbridge--
May I call you Homer?
-Why?
-That's your name.
Oh! Right! Homer. Of course.
What's your name?
-Karen.
-Karen.
Dr. Trowbridge-- Homer,
when you walked into this tent...
...it was the most exciting
moment of my life.
You just wait.
You're a hero of mine.
I've read all your papers.
How did you get my papers?
Oh, you mean my medical papers.
Right.
[CHUCKLES]
-Are you making fun of me?
-Oh, Karen. Our first fight.
You might think l'm silly to worship you
the way l do...
...but in my estimation, you're a genius.
"Genius" is a pretty strong word,
but if you insist on using it...
...l can handle it.
In fact,
I hesitate to mention my problem.
It's a task hardly worthy of your abilities.
Go ahead and mention it.
There's nothing I wouldn't do.
It's the khan's brother. He's been suffering
from pain in the right lower abdomen.
-Obviously an inflamed appendix.
-Obviously.
Dr. Hadley was going to remove it,
but now that you're here....
I mean, just to see you perform
even the most simple surgery...
...would be one of the great thrills
of my life.
I'd rather not.
I don't have my instruments. Ahem.
Use Dr. Hadley's. Please, Homer.
The khan's brother is being prepped.
If you refuse to do this...
...the khan will lose faith in you,
and us.
The consequences could be severe.
I see. Well....
The truth is l am a great surgeon.
But, alas, l recently suffered severe
nerve damage in my left hand.
Oh, my God!
Look at that.
No feeling at all.
Dead.
-How did that happen?
-l was lifting a car off a child.
It was a big car, a Cadillac.
I'm so disappointed.
And the khan, he'll be very suspicious.
-My God.
-Oh, there, there.
Actually, I could
operate without my hands.
Dr. Greenbaum could be my hands.
I could tell him what to do,
and he'd do it for me.
-Then you'd get a chance see me in action.
-That would be wonderful.
Of course, after I guide Dr. Greenbaum
through an operation, I get very depressed...
...because I couldn't do it myself.
It's a very bad time for me.
Don't you worry. I'll be with you.
Give me a break.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
About an hour?
Fine. An hour.
Thank you.
-Bye.
-Bye.
You're good with tools, aren't you?
Devices, instruments?
What? You kidding? You're talking
to Millbarge here.
You want something converted,
built, repaired, modified.
You're talking to Mr. Hands.
Ah. Oh. Mind if I play through?
Doctor. Doctor. Ha. Glad I'm not sick.
[MAN SHOUTS lN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
If anything happens to him,
my people will be angry.
To die in battle is glorious.
To die in a tent is disgrace.
And with that,
I give you Dr. Julius Greenbaum.
Thank you, doctor.
I'll just step out for a smoke.
Perhaps I'll stay here. Heh-heh.
Today we will be removing
the patient's appendix.
The first step in an operation
of this particular type is...
[FLlPPlNG PAGES]
...to shave the patient.
Ah. Forget it, get on with it.
We'll skip the shave
and go to the operation.
The second step
in an operation of this type is...
...anesthetic.
But can't you tell? He's already been given
the required injection of Pentothal.
Of course.
He's already been given
the required injections.
All right.
Let us begin the operation.
[INSTRUMENTS CLATTERING]
Thank you, doctor.
And now, the first incision.
IMHAUS:
Doctor.
Isn't that incision a bit high
for an appendix?
Do you wanna do the operation?
Fine. You come on up here, and you do it.
-lmhaus.
-He was cutting into his chest!
Did you see me cut into his chest?
Did I cut his chest?
I was probing to determine muscle tone
and skeletal girth.
It's a new technique.
-We mock what we don't understand.
-Yeah.
Go ahead, will you? I'm getting hungry.
And now, the first incision.
And now, l will incise.
Cut the sucker.
[GASPS]
[EXHALES]
This man is dead.
[WHlSTLlNG]
[SHOUTS IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
[ALL SHOUTlNG lN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
Whoa!
Excuse us.
Thank you.
[GUNSHOTS]
[SHOUTING]
Whoa-oh!
Ah!
[ARGUING]
Let me do it!
[SHOUTS IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
MlLLBARGE [CHOKlNG]:
Emmett!
Help me!
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTlNG]
MlLLBARGE:
Let go!
Yaah!
The drive-in is closed.
We're with the Ace Tomato Company.
All this cloak-and-dagger stuff.
The military love it.
Christ, will you look at this place?
-Mr. Ruby.
-Sir.
Mr. Keyes.
-Yes, sir.
-Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?
Two Pepsis to go.
Now what?
"Why don't you gentlemen
have a Pepsi?"
You do it.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
This way, gentlemen.
Welcome to W.A.M.P.
[MONITOR BEEPlNG]
-General Sline, sir.
-Yes, sergeant?
It's a collect call from Pakistan
for Mr. Ruby.
-A Mr. Fitz-Hume.
-Ah!
What?
Folks, sorry. We'll just be another minute.
Thank you for your patience.
It's person to person, sir,
collect.
Their contacts tried to kill them
and they don't know what to do.
And they told you this
over a public phone?
No, sir, the AT&T operator
told our operator.
-They're insane.
-And apparently roaming free.
He's on line seven, sir.
Get us the hell out of here!
Everything's under control,
Mr. Fitz-Hume.
Hold on one moment.
Look, the longer we keep them
out in the field...
...the more heat we can draw
away from the real team.
I agree. Let's send them over the border.
-How do they get there?
-That's their problem.
Hello, gentlemen.
Listen, we are organizing
a rescue operation for you.
For after you've reached
your final objective.
What is our final objective?
Information like that is given out
on a need-to-know basis only.
And at this particular time,
you do not need to know.
However, we can tell you
to make immediately...
...for the Soviet Pamir District.
Wait for your next contact
on the road to Dushanbe.
The road to Dushanbe?
You practically told them the strike zone.
Listen.
Even if they make it there at all...
...they'll be plucked
by Soviet motorized infantry.
The road to Dushanbe is
a heavily traveled military artery.
I guess that takes care of that.
We must make no mistakes this time.
Our whole way of life
hangs in the balance, gentlemen.
[CHATTERlNG lN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
Pamir? Dushanbe?
-You're sure that's what he said?
-Right.
-Those places are in Russia?
-And how.
[SPEAKS IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
No, thanks.
I've already eaten.
How can we get there?
It must be 1 000 miles from here.
Actually, if this is
the lower Kohistan district...
...we're only about 1 50 miles
from the Soviet border.
You would have to know that.
Wait a minute. The Soviet border?
How do we get across the Soviet border?
We don't shave, sell the ambulance...
...sell our clothes, and go native.
[SPEAKS IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
[CLUCKlNG]
How far do we have to go on this bus?
As far as it takes us.
Hey, look! lt's Dr. Boyer!
She's the last person we want to see.
No, she's nice.
[MAN SHOUTlNG IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
-ls this the border?
-No. Toll stop.
Hopefully, there won't be
any guard posts where we're gonna cross.
Look. Dr. Boyer.
Leave it alone.
I left without saying goodbye.
Can you ever forgive me?
Where are you going?
You can't deny
what happened between us.
Don't touch me.
Come on.
Hyah!
[SOFTLY]
"Don't touch me."
[SIGHS]
[MEN SPEAKlNG IN FORElGN LANGUAGE]
[LAUGHTER]
Look at this. This is really neat. Ha-ha.
How do you like that? She lets a little thing
like death interfere with romance.
They couldn't have done any better with
the khan's brother. They aren't doctors.
What do you mean?
That metal case
she was packing on her horse.
-What about it?
-lt's a Satscrambler terminal.
Sophisticated system
for sending, scrambling...
...receiving and unscrambling
satellite messages.
So she's a sophisticated woman.
It's a highly classified piece
of intelligence hardware.
-So she's a high-class intelligent piece.
-Come on, knock it off.
Well, what are you saying?
That they're spies like us?
They're spies,
but not necessarily on our side.
[LAUGHS]
I think it's our duty
as American operatives...
...to follow her and find out
what she's up to.
-You just want to follow her.
-No.
You're thinking with your dick.
They left their Land Rover here.
They're probably headed right
for the border at some secret point.
It would save us a lot of trouble.
They do seem to be headed
in that general direction.
-Maybe your dick's not so dumb.
-Got me through high school.
Do you think those men
are following us?
They're most likely Chitrali nomads.
Not to worry.
[GROWLS]
-Did you say sit?
-l didn't say sit.
-Did you say sit?
-No, I didn't say sit. What--?
Now what?
[CAMEL GROWLS]
I guess we walk.
[GROWLlNG]
[IMITATES GROWLING]
Why do we have to carry
all this stuff?
The Dushanbe road runs across the top
of the mountains, the roof of the world.
It'll be sub-arctic temperatures
up there, freezing. You'll thank me.
[MOCKlNGLY]
"You'll thank me."
MlLLBARGE:
That's it.
The Dushanbe road...
...where we're supposed to meet
our contacts. l hope.
Only insofar as it serves to confirm
the president's own beliefs.
This is quite an exciting project
you've got here, general.
What was the cost
of this Star Wars system?
-Just under 60 billion.
-Quite a bargain.
Sir. Printout from Gravsat.
Let's see. A transmission from the field,
your GLG-20s.
Well, wonderful.
They confirm estimated arrival...
...at the strike site by 6 p.m.
their time tomorrow.
That's 9 a.m. here.
Right on schedule.
You can always count on our people.
Well, this is it.
Where are those contacts
we heard so much about?
Didn't exactly say where on the road,
did they?
No.
Maybe we should start hitchhiking.
We're inside the Soviet Union.
-l wish we hadn't lost Boyer.
-They were on horseback. We were on foot!
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
[WHlSPERlNG]
It's the Tadzhik highway patrol.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
They were just sitting there in the dark.
They heard our entire conversation.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
[WHlSPERlNG]
What are they saying?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] He says we needn't
bother whispering anymore.
Come on, let's get out of here.
-We try that, they'll cut us down.
-We can't just go with them.
FITZ-HUME:
What other choice do we have?
If we give ourselves up, the state
department can work out an exchange...
-...to get us home.
-Not me!
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
Hi! Just me.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
[CHUCKLES]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
[SHOUTS IN RUSSlAN]
I was just looking for
the Burt Reynolds Theater.
[SHOUTS IN RUSSlAN]
Don't l get a phone call?
Who do you intend to call?
[GASPS]
Goddamn it.
He gives himself up.
[PANTlNG]
-What's your objective?
-My objective?
I object to taking a girl out and buying her
dinner and then she won't put out for you.
[LAUGHS]
-Why are you here?
-Why am l here? Why are you here?
Why is anybody here?
I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who said....
How do you spell Sartre? Ow!
And let that be a lesson to you!
Every minute you don't tell us
why you're here...
...l cut off a finger.
-Mine or yours?
-Yours.
Damn!
Oh! Why are you still hitting me?
He's gonna cut my fingers off.
-You have 30 seconds.
-You're not gonna hum the Jeopardy theme?
We start with the little one.
All right. All right.
I'm an American agent.
And...?
[STAMMERlNG]
And, uh....
They sent me here to
assassinate your premier.
-l knew it! Pay up.
-Let's cut his fingers off anyway.
No.
Let's take him back to headquarters
in Moscow.
Good move. Good move. Headquarters.
It shouldn't be much further now.
We've made good time.
We'll go on foot from here.
[SHOUTS IN RUSSlAN]
[GUNFlRE lN DISTANCE]
Oh. Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[ECHOING]
Oh!
[GRUNTlNG AND YELLING]
Goddamn it!
Huh? Huh!
Ah! Oh!
Oh! Whoa!
Hi. Heh-heh-heh.
How you doing?
Remember me?
-What are you doing here?
-What are you doing here?
They surprised us.
Border troops.
They got my partner.
-Did they get you too?
-l'm fine!
No wonder neither of you could do that
appendix operation. You're spies like us!
-You mean you're--?
-Austin Millbarge. l'm a GLG-20.
So...
...you two are the other GLG-20s.
The decoys!
-Decoys?!
-Lower your voice.
That's why they rushed us through training,
why we were met by the KGB...
-...why they sent us into enemy hands.
-Right.
I am extremely pissed off.
My partner and l were set up.
Forget it, that's behind us.
Our first priority is to cover those bodies...
...establish a new base camp
and complete this project.
Project? Fitz-Hume is in the custody of
the Tadzhik highway patrol because of you.
The only project l have to complete
is to get my partner out.
Fitz-Hume! Fitz-Hume!
[GUNS FlRlNG]
Come on!
Ah! Oh!
-Look at this. Did you do that?
-Yeah, I did that for you.
[SHOUTS IN RUSSlAN]
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
[GUNFlRE CONTINUES]
You know, I must really like you because
I don't like horses and l hate guns.
[SHOUTING IN RUSSlAN]
-What's this?
-You don't want it!
[SCREAMlNG]
Duck!
I'll get the horse.
MlLLBARGE:
Let's go!
Hi-yo, Silver! Away!
Hah!
[THE BAR-KAYS' "SOUL FlNGER"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
It's "Soul Finger" by the Bar-kays.
They must be having trouble getting gigs.
[HORSE NElGHS]
Wow.
This is a Soviet ICBM site.
MlLLBARGE: That's an SS-50 long-range
rocket and mobile launcher.
They just moved it in here.
Haven't even put up their locator beacon.
Means they're not hooked in to
Soviet defense. They are radio-isolated.
Only three men.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
And their mother.
Oh!
Let me see that.
Come on!
Honestly.
You two are unbelievable.
-Wait a minute. What are we doing here?
-This is our final objective.
Our project orders are to subdue the crew
and seize control of this emplacement.
Hold it, sister. We're not going near
that thing. That missile is tipped with...
-...a 40-megaton nuclear warhead.
-Good night, everybody.
-Where are you going?
-Home.
For once, l am in complete agreement.
We should all get up and leave immediately.
You know what those things can do?
Suck the paint off your house
and give your family an orange Afro.
I don't care what you two do,
but I'm fulfilling my obligation.
I intend to go down there and seize control
of that emplacement alone if I have to.
Now, wait a minute.
You know we'd do anything for you,
but we can't go seize that rocket.
-We'd have to kill everybody down there.
-And I'm not killing anybody.
I'm not either.
Gentlemen, l think you both should realize
the gravity of this moment.
I've spent the last two and a half years
of my life preparing for this penetration.
This afternoon l buried
my partner, Jerry Hadley...
...perhaps the finest, most dedicated
GLG-20 in the history of the service.
He is now forever entombed
in a snowy grave.
And it's not going to be for nothing!
We are here today to guarantee
the personal freedom of every American.
And we should never forget the words of
President John F. Kennedy, who said:
"Ask not what your country can
do for you...
...but what you can do for
your country."
Will you marry me?
Now....
These are high-compression
tranquilizer pistols.
We're not going to kill anybody...
...but you've got to get in close
to use them.
[MONITORS BEEPlNG]
Hours, T-minus two until designated
target apogee.
TECH 1 : Sir, all air traffic has been
diverted from our response corridor.
What's our present on-line power
reading?
Michigan reactor and Washington State
atomic plants on-line, general.
Lock us in, sergeant.
W.A.M.P. secure, sir.
All right. Let's go to
response level yellow.
WOMAN:
Initiating level yellow.
[ALARM BLARING]
Run your full servo and arming.
[ALARM BLARING]
Servo on and armed.
[ALARM BLARING]
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CHATTERlNG lN RUSSIAN]
[SIGHS]
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
"Soul Finger."
[THE BAR-KAYS' "SOUL FlNGER" PLAYS]
"Soul Finger."
[FlREWORKS POPPlNG]
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
FITZ-HUME:
What's she saying?
Hair.... Hairbrush.... Headrest.
Jesus, where'd you learn
your Russian, J.C. Penney?
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
When she was a child in Lithuania,
her uncle used to tell a story...
...about strange beings that came down
from a disk and stole an ox...
...which the village had put aside
for roasting.
I told you it would work.
Everybody knows about UFOs.
Apparently the aliens from the silver disk
dissected the ox...
...and kept the best pieces of meat
for themselves.
So what?
So we owe them a cow.
Where do we get one?
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
Do what I do.
[MAKES CHOKING SOUNDS]
[GRUNTlNG]
[GUN FlRES]
Satscram signal from the strike site.
Your GLG-20s have penetrated successfully
and are awaiting the go-code.
Open and lock down ground deflectors.
Ground deflectors opened and locked.
[ALARM BLARING]
-Okay, Dostoyevsky, what does it say?
-lt says:
"Approach SS-50...
...source programmable rocket."
Easy.
"Find control box at front
of transporter."
This is a snap.
"For erector panel, push red button."
[MACHlNE WHIRS]
[BEEPS]
"Depress red key switch.
-Enter first numbered sequence."
-Go.
"Three-three-nine...
...dash two-five-nine...
...dash six.
Acknowledge compliance
on Satscram now."
GLG-20s acknowledge
programming and compliance.
Bring all birds
into final bounce mode.
Bounce mode engaged.
Send them the go-code.
"Go with numbered sequence,
seven-four...
...dash seven-four...
...dash eight-eight-three...
...dash five, dash three."
[SIGNAL BLARlNG]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
SAC-COM confirms an outbound blip
from Soviet Central Asia.
It's on its way.
Override all SAC alerts
with stand-down orders for 1 0 minutes.
TECH 1 :
SAC override code, entered.
Error. Stand down.
I think we just started World War lIl.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
She wants to know why
we would do such a thing.
Tell her so do we.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
[BOTH SPEAKlNG IN RUSSlAN]
-What are they saying?
-lt's 4:47 a.m.
They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before
the rocket detonates above its target...
...somewhere inside
the continental United States.
Let's see, 28 minutes. That's 1 8 until
it's inside the U.S. radar cup.
Figure two for our response,
say 20 until total commitment.
Figure 20, 22 until the first impact
of our retaliatory strike.
I figure we have 42 minutes until
the end of civilization as we know it.
-You want to go out with a bang?
-l beg your pardon?
Just an idea.
You know, if we were sitting in a bar,
I'd throw a drink right in your face.
But under the circumstances...
...it's not such a bad idea.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
[CHUCKLES]
[PULSATING]
[BEEPS]
Release full pulse.
Three...
...two...
...one.
Mark.
[ALARM BLARING]
Bounce pulse failed to connect
with target, sir.
-Just what are you saying, soldier?
-We missed it, sir.
-What?
-We missed the rocket. lt didn't work.
Didn't work?
Where did the pulse go?
Don't know, sir,
but it definitely didn't connect.
[MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER MONlTOR]
-Wow .
-Excellent!
-We'd better call the president.
-We're not calling anyone.
What do you mean,
we're not calling anyone?
The president must know that this attack
was not initiated by the Soviet Union.
We are prepared for this contingency.
What in hell do you intend to do?
You understand, sir...
...that we are responsible for launching
a nuclear weapon against our own country!
No one outside this command center
has that information, gentlemen.
When we commissioned
the Schmectel Corporation to research...
...this precise event-sequence scenario,
it was determined...
...that the continual stockpiling
and development of our nuclear arsenal...
...was becoming self-defeating.
A weapon unused is a useless weapon.
TECH 1 : SAC-COM confirms.
All defense systems commitment ready.
We have verification. The president
is aboard the airborne command center now.
I'm sure it will only be a matter of minutes
before the president commits to total release.
Jesus Christ.
You see, we had to show that we had
the technical capability...
...and were determined.
History demonstrates conclusively
that naive wishing for peace...
...is the surest possible way
to encourage an aggressor.
I demand you place me in communication
with the president!
Relax, Mr. Ruby. This facility
is more than adequately stocked...
...for a comfortable 1 7 months
of below-ground existence.
We'll be fine.
By your actions, sir, you are risking
the future of the human race!
To guarantee the American
way of life...
...l'm willing to take that risk.
MlLLBARGE: Hard to believe it's been only
1 5 minutes since l destroyed the world.
In another 1 5 minutes, it'll all be over.
Such a short time to destroy a world.
And to think my high school guidance
counselor said l'd never amount to anything.
It just goes to show--
Guidance?
Source Programmable guidance!
Fitz-Hume! Boyer!
Get up! Get up!
[MILLBARGE SHOUTING lN RUSSIAN]
Come on! Come on!
Fitz-Hume! Boyer!
[STRUGGLlNG TO SPEAK lN RUSSIAN]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
-You have a tent?
-Bring me the Satscram dish.
I think we can recall it.
What do you mean?
You mean like a defective Pinto?
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
Take this up. Up. Climb! Uh--
[SPEAKING IN RUSSlAN]
Grab a rock! Grab a hammer!
We can divert it!
It's made to respond to in-flight commands
through their sat-relay network.
-Here's a rock.
-Go to the Satscram terminal.
-Now what?
-Smash that thing.
[POPPlNG]
-lt's broken.
-Bring it here.
Not the rock.
What's the use?
It's probably all over anyway.
No, no, no. All we have to do
is switch sending boards.
Boyer, start sending the launch sequence
in reverse order.
Yes, sir.
[PUNCHING lN CODE]
Fitz-Hume, hold these together.
I've got to make the splice.
Hold it together.
-Ow! l got a shock.
-And you will.
I don't care how painful it is,
you've got to hold them together.
You are the circuit bridge.
-But, but, but--
-l need....
Bigger than a bread box?
-l need....
-The title of a movie?
Animals in their natural habitats?
Book title? Things that are round?
Things that are square.
Things that are being electrocuted?
-Got it!
-Ah!
Miles: Five...
...zero...
...zero....
-We did it!
-We did?
We did it!
[LAUGHlNG]
Can l borrow your tent?
SAC-COM confirms destruction
of the inbound at Zulu 3000 hours.
-What about the rest of their inbounds?
TECH 2: There are none, sir.
Both the U.S. and Soviet
response chain on full recall.
Damn. Recall.
[ALARM BLARING]
[EXPLOSlON]
-Place them under arrest. All of them.
-Wait!
-We don't know these men.
-Oh! We were kidnapped!
-That's right! Kidnapped!
RUBY: We were!
We were at the drive-in!
As the disarmament talks
continue through closed sessions...
...last night and on into this afternoon,
a feeling of positive anticipation...
...is shared by everyone
in the press corps.
The doors to the conference room
are opening.
I see the chief United States delegate,
Mr. Emmett Fitz-Hume.
ED: Mr. Fitz-Hume.
-Hi, Ed.
Everybody at home is most anxious to know
how things are going in there.
Well, Ed, right now we're at
an extremely sensitive juncture.
And of course, the slightest misperceived
phrase or gesture...
...could upset everything
we've achieved today.
-Now, if you'll excuse me, Ed.
-Thank you, Mr. Fitz-Hume.
Thank you, Ed.
Mr. Emmett Fitz-Hume,
chief state department negotiator...
...here at the disarmament talks,
re-entering what he has called...
...the "delicately balanced negotiations."
Comrade!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Okay.
"What Little Richard song
was the title of a 1 950s movie...
...starring Jayne Mansfield?"
"Good Golly Miss Molly"?
"Great Balls of Fire"?
Wrong! lt was
"The Girl Can't Help lt."
[GROANS]
-Sorry. You lose.
-Eastern Europe.
Eastern Europe.