1
- Evan.
- Hey.
You were out for a while. Are you hungry
or thirsty or anything?
I love you.
I love you, too, Mom.
How was work?
- It was all right.
- Oh.
Are you happy?
Yes.
Do you want to hear a joke?
Sure.
This shopkeeper
receives flowers
at the opening of his new store...
and the card says, "Rest in peace."
Are you sure you're not thirsty, Ma?
So he calls up the florist
angry and she says,
"Sir, at least you weren't the one
who got flowers at your wife's funeral
that said, "Congratulations
on the new location."
You need more morphine?
Ma.
Do you want me to call a priest?
I want you to know I...
think you two were amazing.
And I'm grateful for everything you...
Why don't you guys bury
these in your stomachs, huh?
That sucked, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna have Shitty Carl
try to cover your shift.
I'm gonna call Carl.
- I'm sorry about your mom.
- Thanks, Mike.
You know, Ev,
that was a real small funeral.
I mean, you know, it was intimate.
That's what I meant, it was good.
It was a good funeral.
Yeah, they really never had
any friends or family
or anything, so...
Nobody else?
They were only children.
I mean, their parents died young.
It was just the three of us.
You know, I'm really sorry about
the casket thing, too.
I mean, I think I saw I had some...
some fish oil on my hands
- and it... the brass was slick.
- Funerals are for the living, Tom.
Why the fuck does this fucking
goddamn machine not work?!
- Fuck!
- The cigarette machine is for decoration.
- There's no cigarettes there.
- Give me some of that drink!
Do you want a shot? Let's have a shot.
- I got to work later.
- No, shots. Mike, shots, please.
Whiskey, whiskey.
I gotta take a piss.
...some fruity faggot juice
just like you, you fuckin'...
Watch where the fuck you're going, man.
- I'm sorry.
- Bite me, bitch.
Yeah, you're fucked up, huh?
You tryin' to roll on my bitch?!
- No.
- I fuckin' saw you, man.
- I wasn't.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Guy had a fuckin' rough day, all right?
Why don't you just shut
your fuckin' cock holster,
have a drink with me?
Calm down, Jesus Christ.
Got a cigarette?
No, I roll my own. Sorry.
Hey, I got a fuckin' cigarette.
You want a cigarette? Here.
- Hey, hey, what the fuck?!
- Fuck!
Hey! Hey!
Babe, get up! Get up!
Kick his fuckin' ass!
- Get him off him!
- Fuck!
- Evan, Evan, Evan!
- Fuck, that's enough, man.
- All right. I'm all right!
- Babe, babe, babe.
Fuckin'... Evan, Jesus Christ, brother.
I mean, you knocked that stupid fuckin'
gold thing right out of his face.
Are you guys fuckin' serious?
Ev, I just picked up, like, fuckin' four
teeth off the goddamn ground, man.
Holy shit.
I mean, holy fucking shit.
Here, put this on your shit.
The cops were here, guys.
Is he pressing charges?
The psychopath? I don't know!
Maybe! You almost fuckin'
murdered the guy!
Will you... you're getting blood
all over your ice.
Will you put the gauze
on your goddamn knuckles
and then fuckin' put ice on it?
Tommy, seriously, cock holster mouth?
- Hey, what...
- Why would you say that?
- 'Cause he had a fuckin' cockmouth.
- For fuck's sake!
Look, man, you nee... you need
to change up your environment.
You have a lot of shit going on,
your whole family's dead,
and I think the best thing for you
would be to just shift gears
and do something completely
different with yourself.
Are you telling me that I'm fired, Mike?
He's not saying that.
Mike, you wouldn't...
I'm not saying you're fired.
I'm not saying you're fired.
No, Mike, you're not saying that.
But the boss was here
and he said you can't work here
anymore, man. I'm sorry.
I really don't want to be
unemployed right now, Mike.
Look, I can bring you back.
I swear to God I can bring you back.
I brought Shitty Carl back.
He stabbed a goddamn
crippled guy in the leg with a fork.
Right, Shitty Carl! He's a fuckin' shit.
He's a piece of shit!
- I just need some time.
- Ah, fuck!
I just need some fuckin' time, man.
You know how it is, man.
I mean, the fucking Yelp reviews.
- We're getting fucked here. I can't...
- What are you gonna do, brother?
- Where did you get this?
- Evan, wait...
All right, I don't need you
to fuckin' follow me home, Tom.
Just hold up, man.
Ev!
Fuck.
Dude, do you need any help
down at the boats?
Can I have one of those?
Yeah.
I'll ask around.
You should talk to Dale
about construction gigs.
Dale?
He's been unemployed since June, man.
Give me that lighter.
You want to gut fish for tourists?
I mean, I smelled like a tuna fish's
asshole for four years,
but it's good work.
Smell that.
- I don't... I don't know.
- Just smell it.
- I don't know.
- It's like it's on me forever.
I got some inheritance.
I can just use that.
Yo, where my fuckin'
cigarette at, bitch?
It's gonna get real fuckin' boring
- following me around all night.
- I know where you live now, bitch.
Why don't you just go back to fuckin'
East County you fuckin' tweakers?
- Fuck you, you motherfuckers.
- Fuck you!
Thanks for staying, man.
Yeah, they'll file a police report,
they'll sue me,
then they'll come back here
with baseball bats.
You want me to stay? Got an extra bed?
My mom's.
Fuck. I mean, Ev, I love you, brother,
but I'm not drunk enough to sleep
in your mom's deathbed.
Yeah.
Why don't you just lock the doors?
I'll call you tomorrow.
- Are you gonna be all right?
- Mm-hmm.
- You gonna be all right?
- Yup.
Yeah, you gonna be all right.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Fuck! These fuckin' things.
- Am I supposed to fuckin' jump it?
- Are you fuckin' retarded?
There's a hinge, man.
Fuck you, man.
Hey, uh... why don't you...
why don't you call up somebody
for a sympathy fuck?
No, I'm good, dude.
All right.
I'm telling you, Evan,
your mom just died.
You're only gonna get
to use that one once.
I love you, brother!
- Love you, dude.
- I love you.
Mm, condom?
Okay.
Handsome picture.
I look like a hobo with smallpox.
You know I'm only here
because I feel sorry for you,
but this is a very nice picture,
Evan Russell.
Thank you.
- You're sitting on the condom.
- Mm, why do you have this?
Are you fucking whores in TJ?
What? How did you even get to that?
My dad, he made me get one
'cause we were gonna go to Italy
after I got back from college,
but you know what happened.
How do you feel about me?
I just got sober all of a sudden.
I can't do this, I'm sorry.
Get out of town, Evan.
Right now?
Yeah. My brother's a fuckup, too,
and he took a break
and he went to India,
and he totally re-centered.
I just worked my way up
to sous chef, though.
You didn't go to Berkeley
to chop vegetables.
You sound like an elitist asshole.
Mm, I'm just not sober
enough for this conversation.
Then let's have sex.
Mr. Russell?
Dispatch, I've got no one at the house.
Fuck.
Hi, can I get a flight somewhere?
Anywhere.
I'm sorry, I'm really hungover.
Where would you go?
I don't know, like, uh...
Canada or Europe or something?
White people love Italy?
Gotcha.
Book me on the next flight.
Or, when is the next flight?
Actually, hold on a second.
Should I go to Italy?
What?
What, a wizard?
You're a wizard, Harry.
You're a wizard.
So I says to Mabel,
I says, you can't fucking put
the guy on the fence like that
'cause it's fucking getting
in the way of my apple trees.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry, mate. Yes, bruv, what?
Do you guys know where I can
find an Italian phrase book?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a bundle
of them down there, actually, pal.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Where are you from?
- California.
Oh, California. What, Hollywood!
- Join us for a drink, pal.
- Yeah, come on, man.
Come on. Sit down. Have a drink with us.
Go off and get him a drink, go on.
I'm Tom. That's me pal, Sam.
Sam's Welsh and he fucks sheep,
but don't worry, he's all right.
You know, he won't come near your bum.
- I'm not Welsh.
- Listen, mate,
- you are gonna fucking love it here.
- Thanks.
All you do is eat,
fucking drink, smoke weed.
I lay off the scag personally, don't I?
But it's your holiday, mate.
You do what you fucking like.
Let's see if the Yank
can fucking keep up, eh?
Boo!
Look at that.
Well done, bruv.
Oh, my God, I wish I could
fucking talk Italian, you know?
Bunch of sixes, bruv.
- Sixes?
- Ciao. Ciao.
Oh, he's a goddamn American hero.
Oi, oi.
You like me? No?
No. Absolutely.
Go on. Go on. Oh, my God.
No, what are you doing, mate?
No, fucking hell, mate.
No, you got to be more aggressive
if you want to shag
an Italian bird like that, mate.
What are you talking about?
What are you telling him for?
At least he went up there,
but you didn't do nothing.
You just don't give a little fucking...
- What?
- Fucking hell.
Thank you for the beer, man.
Ah, you're welcome. Oh...
Where are you at?
We're gonna hire a car tomorrow,
go down the coast.
Do you want to chip in with some petrol?
Go on and get...
get a hold of that. Go on.
- Come on, Evan!
- Get it fuckin' in ya!
I said, "Fuck you, you cunt."
Do you remember that?
I was like, "Fuck you, you cunt."
Proper cunt.
I'm like, "Fuck you, you mug."
Next thing you know,
I got punched in the face, mate.
Woke up three days later in hospital
the cunt had fuckin' done me.
He didn't help. He didn't help.
He didn't help.
You ever seen "8 Mile"?
You seen that movie "8 Mile"?
- Yeah.
- Right? It's like that.
So, geezers just rapping.
And then, I swear to God, one geezer
goes... goes up on the mic, right?
And he goes,
"Who can fucking battle me, blud?"
All this fucking bollocks.
"Who gonna battle me?"
I said, "Do you know what,
fuck this cunt. I'll fuckin' have a go."
Never rapped in me life, bruv.
Never fucking rapped in my life.
Went up there, mate.
Proper smashed him, mate,
with a bottle in the face.
Birds, eh?
Fuckin' birds.
I was, uh...
I was seeing this girl once.
She's the love of my fucking
life, pal, you know?
Known her since school,
first kiss, all that fucking shit. Yeah.
Talked about having kids together,
the whole lot.
And one day,
she's in this pub
and she meets this bloke
from Ibiza, DJ, something.
Got a flat out there.
She only fucking leaves me
and goes and lives
with this cunt in Ibiza.
Broke my fucking heart, mate.
Anyway, two years later,
I'm in me local supermarket
and I fucking see her there.
She was proper fat.
Sunburnt, skin like leather...
teeth like fucking doggins,
it was disgusting. I loved it.
You're lucky I'm here, pal.
'Cause most men don't share
their emotions like I do.
- Hey, mate, you got a Wi-Fi code?
- No, I ain't got a Wi-Fi code.
You do have the Wi-Fi code, mate.
Can I just...
I gave it to you last night, man.
What did you do with
that little piece of paper?
You fucking rolled, didn't you?
You used it as a roach.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Oh, bro, I fucking blazed
the fucking Wi-Fi code, mate.
...because I hate all nations equally.
And I'll tell you something else,
- the problem with Yanks, right?
- Yeah, everyone hates Americans.
I get it. I'm an evil imperialist.
You don't play rugby,
that's the problem.
Well, yeah, there's that, but it's
also 'cause you're fucking loud.
- You're loud. I played soccer.
- Whole nation is loud.
I played soccer in elementary school
and I drink... I drink well.
No, you can't.
You have... I've barely seen you
drink five of those.
- That's not enough for you?
- No, I'm afraid not.
Fucking embarrassing
is what you are, mate.
- All right.
- Oh, look at this.
- All right, I'll get the next round.
- Yeah, go on, mate. Nice one.
Thanks, Evan.
We saw each other earlier
and if I stared any longer
without saying hi,
I'd be the creepy dude gawking.
Oh, shit. English?
I need a drink.
Well, come sit with me and my friends.
Leave with me.
Yeah.
I have to get this round first and...
I'd rather go home with you now,
but if you like boys more...
Really?
Come on.
- What are you doing?
- Trying to have fun.
Are you a prostitute?
You want me to be?
Are you gonna rob me?
No, you look poor.
Well, I'm not gonna carry drugs
up my ass for you or your boss.
- Go out with me tomorrow night.
- No.
- 'Cause you're a hooker.
- Because I don't date.
Well, this is a fucked-up act you have,
but let's say you go home with...
I'd still like to grab coffee
or something sometime
'cause I think you're the most
attractive person I've ever seen.
But that doesn't outweigh
that you might be a mental patient
and I gotta make sure you're
the kind of crazy I can deal with.
You made this so much more
complicated than it needs to be.
Bottle of wine tomorrow night.
No... no!
Maybe?
Right.
Oh, no.
Oh, no. You fumbled.
But if you're looking
for someone to play
the fucking long game with
come over here, bruv.
Sam will help you out.
Sam will let you fuck him.
I hate these guys.
- Oi!
- Hey!
You went pint for pint last night, son.
- I'm fucking proud of you.
- Well done, son, well done.
- I did?
- Nope.
Oi, we're leaving, mate.
- Okay.
- Yeah, it's too expensive.
We're going to Amsterdam.
- All right.
- You want to come?
No.
All right. Good times, mate.
Good times. Good times.
Yeah, take care of yourself, son.
Okay.
Scusa.
Scusa?
Um, buongiorno.
Buongiorno.
Um, English?
A little.
Is this room still available?
- Have you ever work on farm?
- No.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Come on.
You see?
Hot and cold.
Got it, thanks.
If not hot...
When cold, we cover up the trees
and once a week we gather
for the olive press.
The rest, I tell you.
Easy, huh?
Is that your wife?
Yes.
Is she here?
Car accident.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
women, Jews of the world.
- Jews?
- Jews.
Jews.
Jewels.
Jewels.
Buongiorno.
Hey.
Hey, I just moved here,
so I was wondering
if that date might fall into place.
- Do you remember my name?
- You never told me.
- Scusa.
- You're learning.
And you're not afraid to embarrass
yourself, that's good.
I'm Evan.
Louise. Did you just...
did you just touch my boob?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
- Wow.
- All right, one last time
and I'll let you go.
Will you go out with me?
I don't know.
That's a huge cock.
It's fertility imagery.
No, that's... that's Roman porn.
Are you an artist?
No, are you?
No, I was a cook,
now I'm a farmer.
A farmer.
I just started.
That was fast.
Are you impressed?
No. Don't... don't touch that.
It's hard to make a living
in a tourist town.
How do you do it?
I don't. I'm a student.
And how did you end up here?
I'm studying evolutionary genetics.
It's easier to isolate genes
in a homogeneous population.
Um, I'm researching stuff here
'cause not many people
have left or emigrated.
I'm fucking up your job.
Yes, you are. So go back
to America, fascist.
Great scam you pulled
having the university pay for you
to live here, though.
I know, right?
What do you think of her?
She's hot.
You think so?
I need caffeine.
What... what happened to your hand?
Um, I punched a guy.
Did it hurt?
No.
Yes.
Did you... did you feel better?
I know, I'm a child, I'm immature...
I was just going to say we're all human.
My family would vacation here
when I was little
and I would see
these old men sitting here.
Sometimes I wonder
if it's the same ones.
You don't sound Italian.
- Are you really from around here?
- Not far. I traveled a lot, though.
So I sound weird as fuck.
Did you learn your English in England?
I did. But then I studied
in America for a while.
- Where?
- New York.
- I've never been there.
- You've never been to New York?
- Are you kidding me?
- Nope.
I thought all Americans
have been to New York.
- I've been to Southern California,
- Right.
- Mexico, and here.
- Oh, Mexico. I love Mexico.
I went there with my ex on a boat.
What happened?
We had so much Mexican food.
- No, no, with the guy.
- Oh. Oh, he was awful.
Oh, he was... he always
had to conquer something.
Why did you date him, then?
He wrote me very romantic love letters
and he was so much fun
to drink wine with.
Let's get a bottle of wine.
Okay, but you have to
write me a letter first.
You can write it while I finish
my espresso.
I'm still jet-lagged.
Flipping my days for nights is making
everything feel like I'm in a dream.
Thanks for the wine.
It's most of my paycheck
that I haven't gotten yet,
but you're worth it.
You shouldn't pay for things.
What if I told you I'm actually
a successful businessman
taking a break from all my wealth?
Are you?
I'm not.
When I would sit at the bar
at the restaurant I worked at,
for every one woman I'd catch
combing the place
for a doctor or lawyer,
I'd see like 10 of them
with some bum like me.
Did you like being a cook?
No.
- It was fucking horrible.
- It can always be worse.
And here you are, trying new stuff.
I mean, I could do something
really important, still.
- Like invent an app or something.
- Or get your own reality show.
- The dream. The dream.
- Oh.
At least you're living.
Yeah, I always used to say that, too.
Right now if I really had
the choice, though,
I might take
professional success over living.
I've worked many jobs
and none of them... none...
have been worth missing life.
That's very European and all,
but you know...
Know what?
Taking siestas and being
less competitive, that's really nice,
but your iPhone
was not invented in Europe.
Yeah, right. You want to go somewhere?
- Yeah.
- Okay, let's do it.
Fuck it.
We're going into that cave!
- Yeah!
- No.
I bet it's haunted by dead sailors.
- I thought you were a scientist.
- I am a scientist.
What is this "dead sailor"
bullshit ghost story?
I bet you also think names
determine personality, right?
- Oh, they do. All Crystals are sluts.
- Oh.
Yeah!
And... and Evans are nice.
You do like me, then.
Maybe.
I know names don't determine shit.
But there are still lots
of mysteries out there.
Even I'm a mystery to myself.
I wish I could say I wasn't just
a simpleminded dude.
I understand about half of myself.
- Then you're half magic.
- Mmm.
I'm half undiscovered science,
bunch of confusing biochemistry,
and some crazy hormones.
She drowned a few months ago.
That's horrible.
Yeah, the dams up the mountain broke.
Her body was taken
out to the sea by the flude.
Flood?
And they found her dead body in Sicily.
You know, I know it's clich,
but all the people
that put that religious stuff up?
I mean, why do they think
God would do that
to a little girl like her?
I don't know.
Maybe 'cause everybody's gonna die
whether they believe
in God or not, right?
I have this buddy... um, great guy,
always wasted, though.
Not really perceptive.
He goes to a party with his girlfriend,
and this other girl,
maybe about four feet tall,
walks up to him...
punches him in the face. Knocks him out.
Turns out this girl was cheating
on him with his girlfriend.
So now everybody knows Tommy was
knocked out by a lesbian named Tiny.
Mm, I love Tiny, but what is your point?
Nothing. It's just a funny story.
No.
In winter, you put dirt here.
In spring, we just take off.
Done.
Perfect.
This is...
Got it.
Bene. Perfect.
You take out this...
- All of them?
- Si.
What's that, kitty?
What's that? What's that?
This...
Fuck, this town is small, huh?
Hi.
Hey.
You, uh... snuck out last night.
- I did?
- Yeah.
Mm. And who are you?
Uh, Evan, the guy you
slept with last night.
Sorry, I don't recall.
- Evan.
- Oh, that's fucked up.
- Don't be so emotional.
- That's messed up.
This is the best place,
you should try it.
Man, you eat a lot.
I don't care if you call me fat.
I was starting to think you were
cooler than pulling this one.
I'm just saying I don't care.
If this was the 1700s,
you would think I'm too skinny.
You may not believe this,
but most men are not attracted
to women who look like preteen boys.
Mm, some are.
That's true, but most men
just want a girl who's healthy.
Obesity and anorexia,
they're equally unattractive.
I think your opinion of men is too high.
No, I know dudes.
All we ever think about is sex,
sometimes food, sad truth.
You shouldn't say that out loud.
Hey, do you mind if we go in here?
Sure.
- Do you smoke?
- Sometimes.
I smoke more than sometimes.
Then don't.
I don't want to live forever.
How about this, you go out
with me tomorrow night,
I won't buy any cigarettes.
What?
Will you go out with me
if I quit smoking?
Don't quit for me.
You don't want to go out with me again?
I don't know.
One, uh... una?
Si. Uh, those.
Who are these guys?
That's Bob and Sally.
I rescued them from a lab
that was done with them.
Would you like to adopt them?
- No, I'm good.
- Mm.
Are you sure they should be
in the same cage?
It's only until I find them a home.
Yeah, but they're gonna fuck like...
you're gonna have a billion rabbits.
Do you mind if I put on some music?
Sure, but don't judge me.
Are you allergic to anything?
Uh, no. These are in
a lot of different languages.
You said you wouldn't judge.
- I'm not, I'm just impressed.
- Good.
Do you speak any of these languages?
Mm-hmm. Do you like leeks?
Sure. How many do you speak?
- Oh, I don't know.
- You don't know?
Um... French, German, Italian,
Spanish, a few forms of Arabic,
Japanese, Latin, Greek...
I think that's it.
- You don't speak Sumerian?
- No, do you?
I don't speak dead languages.
Do you mind?
The ashtray isn't decoration.
That's true.
You should quit smoking.
You are a hypocrite.
No, I'm not.
Uh, would you mind watching the soup
while I use the restroom?
Yeah, sure.
- Soup's ready.
- Just a second.
Do you ever feel like
you have to shower immediately?
Uh, I think that's a girl thing.
Showering is a girl thing?
I'm going to the beach on Sunday.
You are waiting to bathe in the sea?
Uh, yup. You want to come?
That's gross.
Seriously, do you want to go with me?
I can't. I'm taking medication
that makes my skin sun-sensitive.
So, I only get to see you at night?
You can meet my husband
and kids, if you want,
but our nights together
must remain a secret.
Mm. Yeah, we'd probably get
bored with each other anyway.
Not bad. What's in it?
Leeks, saffron, and rabbit.
It's just a broth
with a bunch of spices and vegetables.
Oh, Jesus, you're a vegetarian?
I try to be, but sometimes I crave meat.
I've got to go to work.
Thank you, be safe. Blanket.
- Is this bad?
- It's a tree.
- Here.
- Why don't you just kill 'em?
They help to make fruit.
They kill the tree
so they can pollinate it?
Mother Nature is crazy, Angelo.
What the hell is that?
Tumore della radice.
No capisco.
Rotten roots.
Root rot, huh?
I've been seeing this Italian girl.
She's really pretty.
But she acts kind of weird sometimes
and I found something
that gives me some doubts.
I appreciate the Italian lessons,
really, I do,
but, Angelo, I have no idea
what the hell you're saying.
Choose your poison.
That's your advice?
Italian women, the best.
That's wonderful advice, Angelo,
but have you been anywhere else?
In France.
So Italian women, you think they're
better than French women?
I get that.
Your wife was a goddess,
Angelo, but I got to tell you
there's a lot of really
beautiful women in the USA.
Italian women.
You realize in America there are
a lot of Italian immigrants, right?
Okay, what now? Is it... do we, like,
bury a virgin lamb skull
full of herbs to ward off the infection?
Che cosa?
You know, the whole voodoo
biodynamic farming thing?
I worked at a restaurant in college.
They told me that Italian farmers...
that's how they do it.
You don't do that?
Fungus killer spray in shed.
Spray? Got it.
- Did you farm again today?
- Yes, I did.
It's amazing,
you're picking it up so quickly.
I don't make bad jokes
about what you do.
I can imagine it being this really
intense apprenticeship
where he shares all of his worldly
knowledge as you tend to the land.
No, it's nothing like that.
- Hey.
- What?
Can I ask you something? Don't get mad.
Depends what it is.
This morning I found a used syringe
on your bathroom floor.
I know it's none of my business
and we just met, but...
Uh, okay, it's not drugs.
I have a medical condition
that comes and goes
and it's a very long story.
Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
even bothered to...
I'm... I didn't think you were a junkie,
I just needed to know what it was.
Do you think I gave you AIDS?
- No.
- Oh, you did. You thought it!
- No, I didn't.
- Hep C?
- That would've been worth it.
- Oh, come on, I don't believe you.
Can I do something
really corny right now?
Again?
I've been carrying this thing
around for a week
and I haven't used it once,
but I'd really like a picture with you.
You haven't called anyone?
Uh, calling card's cheaper
and the only person I call is Tommy
and he's always drunk, so...
What about your family?
Well, tell me about your family.
Well, they're great.
Scusa. Scusa!
- Sure.
- Grazie.
- Just one photo, please.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Grazie.
- You moved.
- Un altro?
- No, no. Grazie, no.
- Okay.
Tell... tell me about your family.
I really don't want to
do that right now.
Come on.
You're seriously mad because
I don't want to talk about something?
You just want to come here,
fuck a foreign girl,
and show your stupid friend the picture.
That doesn't make any sense.
And when I ask you
something important about you
and you don't tell me,
that means you can't be intimate.
I'm so confused right now.
Look, I went to
the fucking beach with you.
I'm sorry.
I think you're overreacting,
but I'm sorry.
And I think you're being annoying,
but maybe I was just being crazy.
Do you want to hear about my family?
Yes, I do. Yes.
It's a fucked-up story.
So we're sleeping together
and I'm, like, making you meals,
but you can't tell me anything?
The only family I had
was my mom and dad.
My dad died suddenly of a heart attack.
My mom was diagnosed with
cancer a few months after that.
I came home from college
a couple years ago
to take care of her
and she died last week.
Wow, I mean, that's horrible.
No shit.
Not exactly great dinner conversation.
Are you okay?
Do I seem all right?
I like you.
Were you better before?
I think I'm all right.
You've got the same backstory as Batman.
This is so cool.
Are you mad?
I mean, I've got nothing to avenge
if I become a masked vigilante...
Oh, shut up. I mean how sometimes
even if you don't believe in a higher
power, you get mad at one.
Yeah, I'm mad at something
for doing that to them,
making me put my life on hold
while I worked at the same shitty bar
I grew up thinking
I never want to end up at.
How do girls know to do that?
What is it you would've done instead?
I don't know.
And I feel...
I feel guilty and selfish for...
like a sociopath for worrying
about what I'm doing for work
when my whole family just died.
Your professional life is fine.
Do you feel like an orphaned farmer?
No, but I feel like a grown-ass man
who misses his parents.
So...
you gonna tell me something now?
Like what?
I don't know. But I just bared
my soul to you.
- That was baring your soul?
- Fuck off.
Okay, let's see, mm.
Not this one, no.
Um, did you know I have
two different color eyes?
What do you mean?
Holy shit.
Why do you wear the contact?
My ex-boyfriend always made fun of it.
- What an asshole.
- I'm joking. I'm lying.
No one ever did that.
You probably lie a lot.
I've actually never lied to you.
Not once.
Your eyes are beautiful.
And you're not very creative.
Hey, Angelo?
Si?
Never seen a tree that has
two different fruits on it.
Lorange tree.
Got lemons and oranges,
so I call it a lorange tree.
Or are those limes?
You get it, loranges?
That's it?
Old tree uses new tree.
The fruit looks good.
Oh, yes.
- Vulcano.
- Volcano?
Yes, volcano make good soil.
- Is it active?
- Ha!
Shit.
Good job, Bob.
Sorry, Sally.
Come in.
Hey.
Long, bad day.
Let's stay in.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Sorry I'm being really boring.
- You feel all right?
- I think so.
Do I look all right?
You look beautiful.
I might be sick. You may not
want to get too close.
What are you doing?
Lift up your head.
I read that this is what you do
when a girl gets sick.
You don't have to.
Anything to eat?
There are some oranges
and yogurt in the fridge.
Here, find something for us to watch.
What happened to Bob and Sally?
I don't want to talk about it.
You want some?
Thanks.
My friend Tommy
said he was born with a tail.
I doubt your friend Tommy
is one of the 23 cases ever.
- No, he totally is.
- Mm, yeah.
We have lots of things
we don't use anymore.
I'm pretty sure they sell this
at Urban Ourfitters.
It's oversimplified and misleading,
but I like the pictures.
Want some water?
Vino.
- Vino?
- Wine.
I know.
Thank you.
Di piu? How much more?
Basta finito.
- For the day?
- Si.
Well, let's go fishing or something.
No. Sono stanco.
Come on, man.
My girlfriend's at work,
I got nothing to do.
Look, if you're stanco,
let me drive these down.
Have fun.
Whoo! Touchdown, Epsilon,
Lamda, Omega! Run! Run, run, Pledge!
Run faster, faggot!
Oh, oh, fuck you!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, say, can you see
My gigantic cock?
- Oh. Hi.
- Oh, my God.
- What are you doing here?
- Walking home from work.
What are you doing here?
Um, here.
We're buying gifts now?
It has Roman porn in it. Remember?
You didn't sign it, though.
There are so many more
tourists here than usual.
This is the beginning.
Late spring is a madhouse.
- You want to go somewhere?
- Let's go.
Okay, but you can't tell anyone.
It's a secret.
Not Tommy, no girls.
- Anywhere away from tourists.
- You're a tourist.
We have to get my boat. Come on.
You have a boat?
- Come on, faster, Evan! Faster!
- Can you swim if we sink?
The lady gorilla won't sink.
Seriously, can you swim?
Okay, so we're very close.
So paddle us as fast as you can,
then get down.
All right, have you done this before?
This looks like magic.
Looks like stuff from nature
we haven't figured out yet.
Well, what makes this?
The glow? It's from refracted sunlight
coming through a big hole underwater.
How did you find it?
My friend showed it to me.
There are some others the tours
go to, but this one is a secret.
Some of the Roman statues from
the exhibit were found over there.
Hormones and biochemistry.
Moment ruined and I think
we're taking on water.
Stop talking shit about my boat, Evan.
Can I ask you something awkward now?
No.
Do you ever change your clothes?
- Yes!
- Really?
All I brought is my backpack
and the only things they sell here
are, like, "I heart Bologna" shirts.
Octopussy!
- We are not all like that.
- Octopussy.
You girls old enough to drink?
You know where we can get some beer?
Uh, Evan, are you still hungry?
No, I'm good.
'Cause you know, the clinic
opens really early tomorrow.
- Yeah, I have work tomorrow, too.
- I've got to go to bed.
- Don't pay for me.
- No, you did all the rowing.
But thanks for a wonderful time.
What up?
Hey, I have weed in my hotel room.
I don't speak French.
How much to suck my dick?
What the...?
Football bad?
Si.
Where are you off to all dapper?
Chiesa. Come.
Grazie.
Your Italian is going better.
Yeah, I'm trying.
Are there any single donne at church?
Si.
You should ask one out.
- I can't.
- Yeah, you can.
My wife.
Oh, well...
if you ever feel ready, then you should.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Something wrong?
No, it's...
- Can I come in?
- No, it's not a good time right now.
Um, well, I mean if you really have to.
Um, I didn't sleep at all last night,
so forgive me if I stumble through this.
I don't even know how much
you need me to tell you this,
because it's been barely a week,
but things got intense so fast and...
Tell me what?
We can't see each other anymore.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
I don't think you're ready
for where this is going
and I have some things
I need to work through
without being in a relationship.
And, Evan, I'm...
I'm really, really sorry
for leading you on like this.
I can see how
you could feel like this has...
this has all been going so fast.
Like, if you're freaked out and you
need some space, that's fine.
Evan, you've been through a lot recently
and maybe you're not
thinking clearly, but...
I'm fine.
- What's your problem?
- No, I...
I'd really rather not explain
what's the problem.
Um, again, I can't tell you
how sorry I am
and that you're a wonderful guy, but...
What happened to intimacy
being talking about stuff?
That's it? So I leave here
and it's like you and I never happened?
We never see each other again?
Okay.
I want you to know something...
take it or leave it...
I think you could be
the love of my life,
and I know that sounds stupid,
it's only been five days.
But it's true.
If you don't feel anything for me
and that's what this is really about,
then I wish you the best
with everything in your life
'cause I think you're an amazing person.
But if you do feel something,
I think you should think
about this a little bit longer.
All right.
I'm taking off, Angelo.
Uh, donne problema.
Oh, I didn't hit her.
I hit a wall 'cause she
broke up with me.
Stupido.
"Donna Italiana," right?
Ciao.
Hey, Angelo?
I wanted to say thank you.
Uh, even with all this,
I'm living the fantasy
of some rich American housewife.
I don't know how much
longer I'm gonna stay here,
but I want you to know
that I appreciate all this.
Policia?
Immigrazione.
Immigration? Do I need to worry?
- Si.
- Should I run?
Si.
So back in the US,
the cops are after me.
Before that, I lost my job
and lost my... my parents.
Here, I lost my job,
lost my girlfriend,
and the cops are after me.
Can you start...
can you start the shower, please?
Are you a vampire, werewolf,
zombie, witch, or alien?
Human.
Are you scared of me?
Yeah,
but explain it to me.
Sorry, I...
Evan.
Calm...
Fuck.
Evan, that is me.
No, it's not.
It is.
I posed for that painting
almost 2,000 years ago.
Ha! This is the crazy I can't handle.
My eyes are like this because
of hereditary heterochromia.
Do you know what that means?
I don't know. You, like, give it
to your kids or something?
Correct, but I've been
giving it to myself.
There are things I have found out
in the last two decades
that I don't understand entirely
and you may find them upsetting.
You're trying not to upset me?
You dumped me and became a monster.
Okay, you win one argument.
Um, do you know
what embryonic stem cells are?
Cure stuff. You abort babies to get 'em.
Not necessarily, but you
kind of get the idea.
They replicate for a long time
and can be used to heal
- or maintain your whole body.
- So that's what you are?
You're like "Newsweek" fountain
of youth cells or something?
Sure, so my body uses the cells
so I stay the same age
and heal very fast.
But... embryonic cells?
Are you fucking pregnant?
Fuck!
I conceive and about a week later
I'm a healthy 20-year-old
with 50% new DNA.
I stay the same age for about 20 years
and then I need new cells.
- And you dumped me once you got 'em.
- You wouldn't have recognized me anyway.
I'll have to start a new life.
I always do, every 20 years.
Why tonight? Why even get to know me?
I didn't want to hurt you.
- Ha!
- God damn it, I mean physically.
Before my body uses the cells,
it goes crazy.
I rot, I turn into creatures
from our evolutionary past,
- I fucking kill stuff!
- Fuck!
- Hey, we both have tempers, huh?
- Yeah, but mine's worse.
And something is off.
And I thought I could control it, but...
fuck, I got...
I got desperate
and I tried occult books and...
- Occult books?
- I ate my rabbit.
- What?
- Okay, it's not magic, okay?
There's adult stem cells in cat brains
and rabbit intestines, testicles.
Well, use those!
I do, but they aren't as effective.
Okay, well, whatever I saw
on your living room floor,
that was not the physical laws
of the universe.
- Okay, just...
- I need a second.
Look, just because you haven't
seen something before, Evan,
doesn't mean it's supernatural.
Evan. Can you please stop walking away?
- Please?
- Give me a minute.
- Hello?
- Hello? Tommy!
- Yeah?
- Hey, it's Evan!
- Ev!
- What's up, man?
- How you doin', brother?
- I'm good, I'm good.
- Yeah, I met a girl.
- What? Is she fucking hot?
Yeah, she's... she's really hot, yeah.
- Um, do you have a sec?
- Uh, sure, man.
What's up?
I got this girl or, uh...
maybe monster pregnant
and I don't know if she's gonna, like,
- give birth to herself or...
- What?
- Hello? Tommy? Tommy?
- Hello? Ev?
Ev, dude, I just smoked
a huge fucking bowl...
- Smoked a huge bowl?
- Yeah, man.
- Like, right before you called.
- Gotcha.
Yeah, right before I got
on the phone? Okay.
Yeah.
Um, no, no. No problem, man,
no problem at all.
Just, uh... I'll call you back
another time.
Call me back, man.
Have a good time out there.
Yeah. Yup, enjoy.
I know it's complicated, obviously,
but let's talk about this.
That's me.
It's something chemical.
Pheromones.
If I do this to a plant,
you have to wonder what it is
you're actually feeling.
I've seen what happens to you.
I mean, I've seen this
at its worst, right?
And I can deal with that part.
No. You want to be with someone
that is basically going to be related
to you and when you're 85
you'll look like an inbred pedophile?
- Yes, probably.
- No.
In a day I'll be someone else and, Evan,
you should get far
to keep all your stuff attached.
Let's use the time we have.
Why? Why?
For just a little while longer,
I'm a normal guy, you're a normal girl.
We're here.
I'd regret it if we didn't
take this to its end.
Evan, you know that I'm not
in love with you, right?
You like being with me.
You like the sex and all that?
You smell good.
And you're funny,
and I like the closeness.
Great.
So...
how different is your personality
gonna be when you use my cells?
Well, with your impulsiveness
and some other personality stuff,
about half of you.
Keep my memories, that's nice.
When you realize that you're
madly in love with me.
That's the only way this goes down?
To live forever, yes.
What about not forever?
Evan, I really think you're great,
but I'm not giving up eternity
- for a guy I just met a week ago.
- I know.
I don't mean to sound like a selfish
dick, but is there a way?
My adult stem cells, but they're weak
and they would give me one life.
So you'd be choosing death?
I don't choose.
- What?
- Nothing, nothing.
Seven days from getting pregnant,
my body metabolizes the cells
and that's in about a day.
So spend it with me on a road trip.
No.
The transformations are getting
way worse and I can't control them.
Come on, 24-hour road trip,
or until you love me.
Evan, maybe we should just
rip the Band-Aid off
before a fucking scaly appendage
rips off your... head.
You know, you get until Earth dies,
I get one more day with you.
- Shit.
- What?
Immigration.
They came to the farm today.
- Fuck, we should get out of here.
- Why?
- Um, Italian jail.
- What?
Yes, they throw in illegal
immigrants all the time.
Dude, they're gonna rape you.
Anybody ever driven off the cliff?
Uh, I did once.
Years ago.
You're not driving.
All right, where's our first hideout?
Naples!
What's in Naples?
Good restaurants and stores
for you to buy some clothes.
You never told me you had a car.
It never came up.
Pull over.
What else do you have?
You've seen my boat.
Come on, in 2,000 years
you must've invested in something.
Okay, I have an apartment in Rome.
In Paris.
In Bali.
So you're slummin' it with me right now?
It actually is a fucking nightmare.
I have to constantly come up
with new federal ID numbers,
will stuff to myself...
it's a nightmare.
- Right.
- Right.
What's your original name?
Uh, uh... I don't remember.
Really?
Well, do you remember the address
of your childhood home?
Yes, I do.
Fuck! Oh, fuck! Evan!
The olive farmer police!
Just get down, they won't see you.
- No!
- Just get down.
Hold on. Hold on.
- Are they gone?
- Yeah. That was very European.
This is some hipster shit.
We should get back on the road.
What do you like more,
pool or the ocean?
Um, ocean.
No sharks in pools, that's nice,
but the ocean goes on and on and on.
It's mysterious.
Put your feet in the ocean, then.
No, no, this pool has enough mystery.
I mean, it doesn't make any sense,
but it's nice.
Like you.
- I don't make any sense?
- No, not really.
Why go on the run with me, then?
First time we sat down
and talked, it was easy.
And then it stayed easy.
And that's it?
You had a profound moment I missed?
First time we had sex.
Really?
Yeah.
No, I mean, really, like, you knew then
you wanted graves next to each other?
No, I mean I... there wasn't
a moment when I knew.
But I do know.
I'm just saying if I felt we should
share all of our time together...
and I'm not saying I do...
it's not because of something
that could be expressed.
And also, like, you saw me
all fucked up and you're still here.
Oh.
I guess...
your place is clean. I like that.
And your voice,
your voice keeps me around.
What?
Welcome to Naples!
- Benvenuto!
- Are we looking for crack?
We're on the run.
No police ever come here.
You're trying to get me killed.
- Hashish?
- How much?
- No, grazie, grazie. Grazie.
- 20?
- Can you change 50?
- Don't even make eye contact.
Are you kidding me?
Do you have a lighter?
That's terrible.
We should buy you some clothes now.
- Why do you hate my shirt?
- You don't listen.
- Oh, I listen.
- No, you still don't.
Oh, I listen.
Uh, let's see, I got you pregnant.
You can use those embryo cells
to heal fast and live forever.
When you do that, you physically become
half the man who got you pregnant.
Um, when you are pregnant, you turn
into a cross between creatures
from our evolutionary past and a corpse.
You could choose
to use your adult cells,
but then you'd die someday, so...
You know, honey,
just because you listen to a few
things doesn't make you Oprah.
- It does.
- No, it doesn't.
I find it amazing that I even
understood half of what you said.
I've actually never been in a church.
Well, let's go in that one.
- You wouldn't be bored?
- No, no.
I haven't been to that one
since the grand opening.
So do you know anything about all this?
I've always been a student of science,
but it's pretty and I like the rituals.
No, I mean do you know
anything about, like...?
No. The gods change so much,
I can't keep up.
All this time and all the things
you haven't been able to explain.
Just seems like you'd know
more or something.
Just because I can't explain
something about myself right now
doesn't mean it's metaphysical.
It means science can't explain it yet.
You looked like a ghost
in that picture at the restaurant.
You just saw me look like stuff
from stories you've read
or saw, that's it.
Guess giant squid were myths
until one washed up on a beach.
People used to think people with rabies
and porphyria were vampires,
but that doesn't mean vampires are real.
It means science hadn't
caught up with the myth.
And even if I knew I'm supernatural,
it doesn't prove anything about...
Fear of the unknown makes a lot
of really pretty stuff, though.
Um, Louise, did you bring your shots?
Yeah, there's one in my purse.
- You should use it.
- Why, do you see something?
Yeah, a little something.
Just do it here.
- Don't get up.
- Okay.
So, this time in Prussia,
1760-something,
so I'm walking through the cemetery
and they're digging up corpses,
and the corpses would move
from escaping gases and whatnot.
- And so they're, like, staking...
- Hey, hey, hey, shh.
...dead people, calling them vampires.
Nerve-wracking. So I left there.
I'm in the New World and women
were hung for being witches
for, like, a lot less than my quirks.
One colonial guy said I was aging well.
No joke, I was on the first ship
back to England.
So, then I'm in France and they
were, like, burning women
at the stake for having a moody day.
So I catch a train to Germany
in the 1930s, and, I mean, we all know
- what happened there, right?
- Hey, Louise?
Do you want to show me...
what's your favorite museum here?
- We should go check it out.
- Oh, okay.
- Can we get some pizza first?
- Of course, yeah.
Really pouring on
the melodrama in this one.
You look so different.
Oh, yeah, my boyfriend before
was a very unattractive Ottoman.
How many men are you a mix of?
You don't want to know.
I don't?
Are you jealous, Evan?
No, but if every...
you're 2,000 years old...
if every 20 years...
Do you have a problem with how
many men I slept with and my age?
Okay, just in the fresco
in the book I gave you.
None. I'm actually 22 years old
in that painting.
You're a virgin in that painting?
Yes. Does that make you happy?
So you really hated being martyred, huh?
I was just a peasant
posing for the scene.
After the Black Plague,
I think I was just happy
I wasn't scrubbing bodily fluids.
I have just one question.
Who the fuck is this guy?
Where do you think I got
these fingers from?
You're still really pretty
as an Ottoman peasant.
Look at... look at this guy.
He's like...
"Stop! Stop hitting me!"
I wanted to show you something
even older than me.
I saw this on The Learning Channel.
It was a bomb shelter
during World War II.
Yeah, mention World War II and every
American becomes a historian.
Oh, do they? Well, we watch movies.
Lots of them.
So, um, what happens when...
when this goes down?
This body dies
and the cells recreate a new one.
And what if you use your adult cells?
Then...
then I'd look exactly the same,
just pregnant,
and that would be horrifying.
How much time do you have left?
Until the equinox. Sunrise, probably.
Your body knows when winter ends?
When I was little,
time was measured differently,
so all that bullshit with sun gods
and whatever, it never...
Cool, well, if you stay with me...
I'll give something up, too.
Smoking.
We'll both end up like these guys.
Yeah, in, like, 50 years! Come on!
So you would be giving up life
to become a father?
I'm an illegal immigrant olive farmer.
New frontiers.
So you want to spend
the rest of your life with me?
Yeah.
I think you're rushing dating
and death and fatherhood.
Well, how do you choose
to use your adult cells?
- Or your embryonic...
- Oh, wow, look at this guy!
Whoo!
How do you choose?
I don't.
My... my body chooses.
Well, how does your body choose?
Oxytocin.
I'm totally lost again.
It's the hormone that makes women
fall in love and get maternal.
And if it were high enough,
survival reaction blocks
the embryonic cells
and defaults into my adult stem cells.
You know that?
I mean I don't, but I'm not sure.
But I can show you
the origin of the theory.
You're still not in love with me?
Last syringe.
You still want this?
Okay.
I... I want to show you where I grew up.
So if you love me,
then there's this hormone
and you'll stay the same?
In theory, yeah.
But neither of us
has much control over it
and how would I even know?
I know I'm in love with you.
You know that?
Yes.
So it seems like you should
know if you love me or not.
So you never lusted for someone
before and then it passed?
So you've never been in love before?
I guess not.
- Not in thousands of years?
- I am not a sociopath, okay?
I just have really bad luck.
- Bad luck.
- I got it.
Okay.
You probably know the entire city
was buried by the volcano
you see there in the distance.
Buried in ash and pumice
perfectly preserved
and was rediscovered
and dug up centuries later.
And if you look to your left,
you'll see an example
of one of the earliest
"Beware of Dog" signs.
Are you sure there's no security here?
No, but, Evan, I feel like you
don't want to see my home town.
- What the fuck?
- Yup.
When excavators came across
chambers shaped like human...
Ev... Evan, no!
- No, come back.
- Was that a real dog?
What are you doing?
They injected plaster into them
and that's what you get.
And here we have the whorehouse.
I've never been there.
But I've been to the bakery
you see to your right
and to the bar here on the corner.
And...
What?
I want to show you my family now.
Okay, that's weird.
I didn't know
their tombs were here, but...
So this is my father,
my mother, and my little brother.
How did you get away in time?
- I didn't.
- Then how did you get out?
You really want to know?
It's 2,000 years ago, so I'm doing fine.
My pain threshold is still
built for birthing,
so lava is fine.
My oxytocin case study?
I got it from her.
It's hereditary.
She gave it all up for me and my father.
I don't want to die and I don't
want to watch anyone die.
Well, at least you got the same
backstory as Harry Potter.
That's pretty cool.
Can I say something
in absolute sincerity?
I'm gonna miss the hell out of you.
Like, it's gonna fucking hurt, bad.
Your perfect male fantasy
just shattered.
A younger wife and a sugar mama.
Yeah, you forgot the incest part.
I mean, I'm an open-minded guy,
but I probably wouldn't want that.
That's the Temple of Apollo sundial.
- This?
- No, no, no.
After we borrowed him
from the ancient Greeks,
he was replaced by Jesus,
and now we don't know
who the old clock belongs to.
Um, one last thing you should know.
Right before I transform,
if I transform...
that monster
is gonna be the biggest and sharpest.
How big?
Just run.
Really fast.
We never got my clothes.
No. One of us says something
about journey and destination.
Destinations are underrated?
You ever wonder
what life is like in the finite?
Terrifying all the time, I'm sure.
I don't think so.
Even at my lowest, I'm still excited
to use the time the best I can.
There's motivation to make
every second count.
You never got lonely?
Not since I met you.
Doesn't it scare you losing that?
What are you doing?
Begging.
Go on, it's time.
Tell me more about the finite.
let's see, uh...
when you're sick,
it makes you feel lucky
for all the times when you were healthy.
Uh, sunrises and sunsets...
some things
are just beautiful no matter what
and a constant reminder
that you only get so many.
So you better fucking enjoy 'em.
Some pizza and a bottle of wine
with the right person
that can make the shittiest day better.
Coffee dates take up a pretty
good chunk of your time, but...
but they're worth it.
I don't know, you can choose
to work yourself to death,
but you could also
throw all that work away
without regrets for the right person.
Maybe that's chemical,
but it's also magic.
Uh, love comes around
a couple times, if you're lucky.
Life probably seems short
no matter what, but...