1
Excuse me.
Wendy Beamish and William Hicks.
They were in a car accident.
See the officer about that.
Good evening.
Alec Newberry.
Congressman Langston's office.
If I can be of any assistance...
- Congressman who?
- Langston.
Clear, please.
Are they dead?
- Hi, you guys.
- Wendy.
- Wendy. You okay?
- I'm fine.
I'm fine.
The car my dad got me
for graduation is totaled.
Go find Billy.
See if you can sober him up.
He almost kills you,
and you're paying?
Jules, please.
Is that your date?
No.
That is.
We're dealing with
a first-time offender here.
Miss Beamish won't press charges,
so why not let it slide?
Forget it, counselor.
I wouldn't strike a match
near his blood.
Okay, you're under arrest.
Watch the sax.
Do you believe in premarital sax?
May I assume the accident
left you injury-free?
Billy, four months after graduation...
...and you still act like
every night's a frat party.
Aren't you even a little
concerned about Wendy?
- How bad is it?
- Severe.
She might have exceeded
the limit on her father's VISA.
You're being arrested
for drunk driving.
Drunk, definitely. I don't know
if you can call it driving.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
I'm sorry, Wendy.
We'll be right behind you.
Alec, I've got a lot of cash.
Dale?
Dale Biberman.
- Do you remember me?
- Yes, but I'm...
Kirby Keager.
You were a senior
when I started Georgetown.
Right. Kirby. How are you?
I graduated.
I always knew you would.
And I'm a lawyer.
I mean, I'm a waiter...
...studying to become a lawyer.
Dale Biberman.
I can't believe it.
Still like Woody Allen?
I've gotta go.
Nice seeing you.
Don't you worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.
- Hey, thanks for bailing me out.
- Again.
When are you gonna get a car...
...that expresses your lifestyle
as the perfect couple?
Not everyone got recruited out of
school into international banking.
My parents gave me the car. I bet
I was conceived in the back seat.
It's still sticky.
Wait till my father hears
the car is totaled.
Wally, undergrads
sitting at our table?
- Only been there for 10 minutes.
- We've been here four years!
Kirbo, come here.
Where have you been?
It's busy. Where'd you go?
- The hospital.
- What?
- The hospital.
- You sick?
- It was an emergency.
- You could have told me.
- Gonna fire me?
- I fired you last week.
Blinding white light.
Skid.
Tree.
Impact.
I was out of hand! It was a
metaphysical-precision collision.
Was it beautiful for you too, Wendy?
Somebody get me a screwdriver.
And a hammer.
Of course, you do know what it means
to have drunk driving on your record?
I'll never be a cop in D.C.
Wally!
Hi, Wal.
Betrayed.
- So you're not angry?
- No, I'm not angry.
Never trust a woman
who says she isn't angry.
- Tell me about it.
- I'm not.
You're the angry one. I thought
writing for the paper made you happy.
- You should call your wife.
- I'll tell you something, Jules.
Obituaries isn't writing.
All my characters die.
I'd like to write about
the meaning of life.
- You'll get a chance, Kevin.
- Don't hold your breath.
Tommy.
Who's that?
Tommy Bancroft. Senator Hodges'
key guy. I want you to meet him.
- And to be impressive.
- Oh, yes, sir.
The meaning of life,
Kevin, is fun, good times...
...a little H-U-M-O-R.
Don't you enjoy anything anymore?
Like girls?
I enjoy being afraid of Russia.
It makes America feel better.
Russia feels national
worth from our paranoia.
- How's that?
- Good.
Good. I have to check in
with the death squad now.
- Did you see her?
- Who?
- Dale Biberman.
- Who?
No, I said I'm sorry I woke the baby.
Well, I kind of got
in an accident.
I know I don't have insurance.
Just stop shouting.
I need the phone.
- You gonna ask if I'm okay?
- Give me the phone.
Kevin's here. He says
he wants to say hello.
Hi, Felicia. How you doing?
Me? Oh, you know,
it ain't easy being me.
Will you give Billy a break?
He lost his job today.
- The job Alec got for him?
- Yeah.
- Did you give him any money?
- A little.
Wendy!
I thought you were cutting out
things that don't work in your life.
Doesn't leave much.
I better break this to Alec gently.
This thing with Billy
is too destructive.
Life in the fat lane.
Wendy, you're not fat.
My thighs are fat.
No diet works.
Only way to lose weight
in your thighs is amputation.
- What you need to amputate is Billy.
- I know.
I know, but I can't.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
- How about we cut out of here?
- Well, I came with some girlfriends.
Look, this face seats five.
Excuse me.
Could I see you
in the men's room, please?
Sure. Wait,
it'll just be a second.
Alec.
Alec!
Excuse me.
- What?
- Step into my office.
A little pick-me-up?
All right.
Why didn't you tell me
you lost another job?
For some insane reason,
I thought you'd take it badly.
- Don't drown him. He's a father.
- That's right. You're a father.
When are you gonna grow up?
- This is mature, Al.
- I just get angry...
...because you put
pressure on all of us.
Working for Sen. Pomerantz
wasn't for me.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's all right. The wet look is in.
- Asshole.
- That's Mr. Asshole to you.
- How come they put ice in urinals?
- Tastes better.
If we could find the money, it would
be better to get a longer sofa.
Tommy Bancroft said I could work
on the weekends for Hodges.
It's a step up.
Isn't Hodges a Republican?
Oh, my God. You're right.
What happened to that Alec Newberry
political conviction that I love?
Working for a Republican senator
pays more...
...than working for
a Democratic congressman.
We could get the longer sofa,
and we could get married.
- Married? We just moved in together.
- I know. It's great, isn't it?
- We're not ready yet.
- Oh, I am ready.
You're always ready.
I'm gonna get you a red,
lacy babydoll nightgown.
I'm happy in your pajamas,
thank you very much.
I'm happy when you're
out of my pajamas...
...thank you very much.
You don't need that thing.
We're getting married soon.
Let's play some Russian roulette.
And who carries the bullet
around for nine months?
Senator Hodges?
Right.
Jules.
This scuzzy welfare hospital calls me.
Remember my father's second wife?
My step-monster?
The one who locked you in
the closet when you cried?
She lost all my Dad's money, is on her
deathbed and puts me as her next of kin.
What about your father?
He's in South Africa
somewhere with his new wife.
Who's just three years
older than I am.
If I don't find him, I'll be
stuck paying for her funeral.
Is there some insane
irony to this or what?
Thanks, Alec.
Alec is becoming a Republican,
and he wants to get married.
Oh, my God!
I always knew he was a Republican.
What should I do?
- I think you should have another shot.
- I think so too.
You two were the couple always
most likely to couple, don't forget.
I'm sure your father will
take care of everything.
Yes, just like he takes care
of everything else.
You're always coming to my rescue.
What can I say?
I won't come
between two old roommates.
Good night.
Thanks, guys.
What's the meaning of life?
Dale Biberman.
Who?
Dale Biberman. Didn't you
see her at the hospital?
The girl I was in love
with when we were freshmen.
She's about yea tall.
Long dark hair, beautiful face.
Remember that big fountain?
The one on main campus that says...
..."Knowledge, Art, Religion, Life"?
We walked past that...
...she was sitting
on the "Life" side...
...and she just smiled at me.
What? You took her to one movie.
Kevin, there are several
quintessential moments in a man's life:
Losing his virginity,
getting married...
...fatherhood and the right girl
smiling at you.
I'm not going another year finding
your unmailed love-scratchings around.
I have her hospital schedule.
- It's true love, my friend.
- You know what love is?
An illusion created by lawyers to
perpetuate the illusion of marriage...
...and the reality of divorce
and the need for divorce lawyers.
I just can't deal with
the little missis. Can I crash?
You know, there are more
people in law school now...
...than there are lawyers
on the entire planet.
You're just bitter because
you have not had sex in, how long?
A year? Refresh my memory. Haven't
you heard of the sexual revolution?
Who won? Huh? Nobody.
Sex used to be a free thing.
No more. Alimony. Palimony.
- It's all financial, an illusion.
- It's the only one that counts.
- Says who?
- Anyone who's been in love.
Love sucks.
So does your attitude.
Thank you.
You should have brought the red dress.
Red drives men wild.
Hi, beautiful. Like Porsches?
See?
I have a madman in my life already.
It's good, isn't it? I like it.
It's interesting.
I forgot to spin at the end.
All right, I'll see you in a bit.
Hey, Jules. Hey, how about a lift?
- Hi, baby.
- Missed you.
How'd you do?
Well, thanks to Alec, I am now
an official pollster.
Who wants to suck back a few
bloody Marys at St. Elmo's, on me?
- No. I have to work.
- Since when do you work on Saturdays?
Since he started volunteer
moonlighting for Senator Hodges.
Why is the president of
Georgetown's Young Democrats...
...working for a Republican?
Moving up, Kirbo.
- Let's get trashed anyway!
- For a change.
- You haven't seen it since I moved in.
- You moved in too?
I only remember 800 pairs of shoes.
So what do you think?
Very subtle.
And very pink.
Jules.
Where do you get
the money for all this?
Why do you think God invented credit?
For fabulous people like me.
Would you fix us a drink?
Kev, I knew you'd like it.
You have such sensitivity.
Oh, by the way, I want you
to meet my decorator, Ron.
He's so fabulous, and he lives
right across the hall.
Ron?
Sit down. Let's relax.
Jules, why do I feel like
I'm not here by accident?
I have been needing to talk to you.
I see one of our infamous
conversations is coming.
Like when you decided
I was adopted.
Remember that?
I still think your mother's
hiding something from you.
Kevin, I'm curious.
You know all those nights
we stayed up talking?
How come you never made a pass at me?
What?
Don't you find me attractive?
You know you're the only guy at school
who never made a pass at me?
Well, I never joined the Army either.
Kev, you've got a problem.
You're gay, and you're
madly in love with Alec.
I see.
It's okay. We all love Alec.
He's our hero.
But he's very, very straight.
And very taken.
Jules, there's the brink of insanity,
and then there is the abyss...
- ...which you have fallen into.
- Don't be ashamed.
- Gay became chic in the '70s.
- No, I'm not ashamed.
I am not gay.
And I am not staying.
Kevin!
Look at me. Are you hard? No.
Let me just introduce you to Ron.
He's gay too, and he's so fabulous.
Ron, Kevin's here!
Kevin, wait, please.
I've seen enough pink for today,
thank you very much.
He's just not ready to face
reality yet. I'll get back to you.
Please.
Excuse me, sir.
We do not open until 11.
That's cool. I'll wait.
Do you have a reservation?
It's for Keager. Party of two,
1:00. And I want this table.
I'd be very happy to find
a lovely table for you...
...but this is a table for four.
Well, then I'll pay double.
You could order a nice
Napa Valley chardonnay.
Or if she's worth it,
get an import to impress her.
Well, money's no object.
Really?
Then Montrachet or Meursault.
And make sure you smell the cork.
So who is she?
Never mind.
Thank God it's payday!
Jules, you're advanced
on your salary by two months.
- I have no check for you.
- Thanks, Jules. I owe you.
That's good because
I owe everyone else.
Judy, I have to pay for my stepmom's
funeral, then I'll catch up.
I'm afraid you'll have to speak
with Forrester Davidson.
The president of the bank?
I'm sorry I'm late.
Thank you.
- Have you been waiting long?
- Just got here.
The food is great here.
Yes, and I'll be having alfalfa
sprouts and a plate of mashed yeast.
You're vegetarian?
That's from Annie Hall.
The movie we saw together. Remember?
That's funny. I thought we
saw a Mel Brooks movie.
No, no. It was Annie Hall.
Miss Biberman?
- Telephone.
- Thank you.
Yes, doctor. I'm sorry.
I have to go to the hospital.
I hope we can do this again sometime.
When?
Why don't you call me?
I'm so sorry.
Great.
You're not going to med school to
impress a girl you're infatuated with?
It's not just infatuation,
and she's not just a girl.
She's the only evidence
of God I can find.
With the exception
of the mystical force...
...that always removes one of
my socks from the dryer.
Fluff and fold, buddy.
As soon as I make it really big,
I'm going fluff and fold.
Dreamer.
- I understand fold, but what's fluff?
- Fluff's what I write for the paper.
- What am I doing wrong here?
- Let me see.
Listen, Les...
You think my attachment
to Alec is unnatural?
No. I think mine is.
- He tell you he wants to get married?
- Four years ago, the day he met you.
But he was a Democrat then.
Now he's a Republican, so who knows.
God! How do women
do this every night...
- ...and not go insane?
- They are insane.
Love, marriage, children,
relationships. It's all insane.
- You're okay.
- Thanks.
My perfect sister and her perfect
husband are getting a perfect divorce.
I have the perfect solution.
Stay away from love.
I can't.
Kevin, you've been in love.
- Doesn't Alec hate peppers?
- Oh, come on.
You must have been in love
with someone, sometime.
Yeah, once.
Junior high, I played bongos in a band,
and I fell in love with the singer.
And she sang "We've Only Just Begun"
as sweet as Karen Carpenter.
One night, I got high on cheap malt
liquor, and I pledged my love to her.
Next day she ran off with
a bassist named Ringo.
So I turned in my bongos for
a battered Underwood typewriter.
On which you'll type your way
to becoming one of the best...
...writers in America.
I wouldn't hold your breath.
I can't even organize my thoughts
into anything for the paper.
Kevin, you need to stop thinking
so much and fall in love again.
Love sucks.
Hi, guys.
Rough day on the right wing?
This is for me?
Try it on.
Kevin, stir the vegetables.
Right.
Leslie has to marry me soon.
Why? Are you pregnant?
What is your marriage hurry?
I'm gonna kill myself.
It's only peppers, Al.
I can't believe what I did.
I innocently go to buy the nightgown...
...and this amazingly leggy blond
salesgirl offers to model it for me.
So we do it in the dressing room
in front of a three-way mirror.
So there were six of you.
If Leslie would just marry me.
Marriage will make you faithful?
Yes.
The idea of marriage
was invented by people...
...who were lucky to make it to 20
without being eaten by dinosaurs.
Marriage is obsolete.
Dinosaurs are obsolete.
Marriage is still around.
Alec, come here. This is obscene!
I love it.
Stir those vegetables.
Don't look!
Don't look.
Oh, come on.
- Kevin...
- I don't care.
Get off!
He'll burn my vegetables!
- No, he knows what he's doing.
- No, he doesn't.
Get off of me!
Look at this creep.
Hi, you want a date?
- Hi, you want a date?
- Maybe later, baby.
How come you never ask me
if I want a date?
Because I thought you were gay.
Why would you think I'm gay?
Because I never see you with a girl.
And you always look real strange.
I happen to be in love with someone,
only they don't know it, okay?
Guess you wouldn't understand about
loving someone from afar, huh?
Delaware's about as far
as I've ever been.
Is this person a he or a she?
It's a secret. I guess you
wouldn't understand that either.
You know, darling, lots of people
come to me for love...
...and it's a secret.
Come back here.
This secret of yours, is it
a little one or a big one?
Hey, you want a date?
Alec Newberry.
Hi, Alec. It's Jules.
I'm over at the Van Buren Hotel.
- What time is it?
- I don't know.
These Arabs have been
forcing me to do coke...
... all night. I don't
understand very much Arabic...
...but I think I heard
the words for "gangbang".
Alec, you gotta come get me.
Please? I'm in the Potomac Suite.
- Alec, you should be sainted.
- No, then I'd have to wear underwear.
I love you.
Then marry me.
- Yes, who is it?
- Open the door!
Alec, what are you doing here?
They hardly impressed me
as the gang-bang type.
- How much coke did you do?
- Don't know. They have barrels full.
Jules, sometimes I think you
make these dramas up to test me.
Why don't you come over?
- I have to be at work in the morning.
- Come on.
No.
Well, I don't wanna be alone.
Who are you calling?
A systems analyst.
A very hot Jewish guy.
Are you the new Mideast ambassador?
Let me drive you home.
And waste all this good coke?
It's Jules. Did I wake you?
Our purpose is to get you off welfare
and train you in a skilled profession.
Are you interested
in the janitorial field?
Just give me my check.
- There are some educational...
- Just give me my check.
Get yourself some hot clothes,
and get yourself a man...
...and you won't be worrying
about this shit.
Welfare recipients are
getting better-looking.
You ever feel like you're not
accomplishing anything all?
I think I'm in touch
with that emotion.
Let's get a drink.
Billy, how come you're not at work?
And this is our first store,
built in 1953.
We now have 24 Card-a-terias...
...the largest greeting cards
franchise in the East.
What line are you in?
Munitions.
Don't bring up moving out.
Daddy'll have a heart attack
in front of your boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend.
Well, then there's a nice
young guy working for us.
- Howie Krantz.
- Libby, please.
Candace, do like grandmother did.
In the center of the plate, neatly.
Mom, you look beautiful.
I'm fat, I'm thin.
I'm blond, I'm brunette.
Well, you always wanted to look
like Elizabeth Taylor, and now you do.
My mother finds certain words
too horrible to utter...
...so she whispers them.
You'll get used to it.
Did you hear about Betty Rothberg?
Cancer.
Say, Bill, the day I married Rachael...
...I got three Card-a-terias.
I just bought a new BMW.
How great!
Betty's daughter moved
into the new neighborhood.
Only six Jewish families.
But very wealthy.
Are you in the card game too?
Six franchises.
Where did you meet Wendy again?
Prison.
What did he say?
Is $200 enough?
$200 is more than enough.
Thank you, Dad.
Thanks.
If you'd get married
and run a franchise...
...you wouldn't have to borrow money.
I have a job with
the Department of Human Services.
That isn't a job. It's killing time
until you get married.
Thank you. I'm very committed.
Daddy, I think I should
get my own apartment.
Grandpa! Grandpa!
- Billy's on the roof!
- What?
Wait a minute. Wait, wait.
This is so great!
All the years we lived here,
no one ever did this.
I used to do it all the time.
At the frat house, I'd crawl out of
Alec's window on the roof with my horn.
This is ridiculous!
My God! Wendy's up there too!
Come on down here!
I knew it the minute
he came in. Drugs!
Should we call the police
or fire department?
Maybe we should let Wendy handle it.
You miss school, don't you?
Yeah.
School was pretty out of hand.
In everyday life,
there's just no way...
...to be out of hand.
You gotta be so...
You know, if it ever
got to be too much...
Like just...
...too much.
Well, that's out of hand.
Ever think about it?
Not while I'm still a virgin.
Why didn't you tell me that?
I don't know.
Come on. I mean, all those
guys you went out with...
Stuey Newman?
Oh, please.
You'd do it with Stuey Newman?
Well?
"Be vewy quiet."
"I'm hunting wabbit."
Nice.
I'm sorry.
- Peace.
- I'm sorry.
What the hell is that?
It's your scuba suit.
I'm sorry. You're allowed
to have fun when you're screwing.
Wend, I was...
I'm sorry.
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
What?
There's your rent money.
I wanna meet the woman who's
turning Kirbo Keager into a doctor.
Hey, I've been an amateur
gynecologist for years.
Billy is great.
He's unbelievable.
Leslie, did I tell you?
I thought I was getting fired.
Instead, my boss took me to dinner.
- I told you not to bop your boss.
- Too late. I'm gonna dance.
Can I borrow a key
to your apartment tomorrow?
What for?
The lingerie salesgirl has been
calling me at the office.
- You gotta learn to say no.
- When Leslie says yes, I will.
Wendy.
- This is Howie Krantz.
- Howie, Kevin Dolenz.
- How do you do?
- Alec Newberry.
Nice to meet you.
You wanna sit with us?
Oh, great. That'd be great.
- Thought you weren't coming here.
- We were passing by.
I'm in the greeting cards business.
I work for Wendy's brother-in-law.
Humongous future in greeting cards.
Ron!
Everybody, this is my friend
and decorator, Ron Dellasandro.
You remember Ron.
- Hello, Ron.
- Hi, Ron.
- Hi, Kevin.
- Hi, Ron.
And this is Wendy and Howie.
- Unbelievable.
- What?
- So what's wrong?
- Billy's wife.
Who's she with?
Let's rock!
Take your hands off my wife.
Your wife?
You're not married to me.
You're married to your friends.
I said get your hands off my wife.
Is he kidding?
Get him out of here!
Yeah, you little shit!
You're a shit!
You're fired!
So are the rest of you.
Everybody out!
- He's bleeding.
- Yes, I know. Come on.
- Come on.
- I just had my nose done!
Goddamn it!
I tell you, I should've
had a vasectomy at birth.
If you ever have boys, do them a favor
and get them neutered right away.
Because if they knock up some slut,
they're the ones who are fucked!
I hate you, you little bitch!
Listen, you stupid pig!
Get off me! Get off of me!
You just go ahead with
your evening with Howie.
Yes. No matter what he looks like.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, secret love.
Trick or treat?
Or tricks and treats?
What would you say
the meaning of life is?
Got 50 bucks? I'll show you
the meaning of life.
I don't pay for sex.
Oh, no?
You think that
if you get a little wife...
...or girlfriend that you don't pay?
You pay.
Then you can't be sure
you'll get it. With Naomi...
Naomi?
You pay, and you get it.
You get it good.
Food for thought.
Food for thought.
I don't think I have
enough food to feed them.
Oh, we'll have plenty.
We'll be fine. There'll be enough.
What are you doing here?
We're taking you to lunch.
Le Petit Chteau.
I can't leave and go to
Le Petit Chteau.
Ladies, please, have
a little perspective.
Well, we could eat here.
- We could?
- Yes.
It's nutritious.
- Yes, it's an adventure.
- Grab a tray.
It is that.
Take this.
And for our entre,
Campbell mushroom barley. How chic.
Hi, Myra. Meet my friends
Leslie and Jules. This is Myra.
Hi, Myra.
You need some salad.
How's Howie?
Well, I wouldn't say
my father's trying to bribe me...
...but he did offer me a convertible
if I'd get engaged to Howie.
- Have you fucked him yet?
- Jules! God!
Get the car, fuck him, and if you
don't like it, break the engagement.
Then you can still fuck him.
- Sorry.
- Not funny!
Sorry. Thank you.
I don't wanna beat around the bush.
We really came here because
we're both worried about you.
No, Jules, actually that was a scam
that Leslie and I worked out...
...because we're worried about you.
Moi?
So what's up?
We're worried about
this affair with your boss.
Forrester?
Come on. He's wonderful.
Forrester is married.
Leslie, this is the '80s.
I bop him, get his job when he gets
his hand caught in the vault...
...become a legend, get caught in a
sex scandal, retire in disgrace...
...write a bestseller and become
the host of my own talk show.
Well, silly of us to worry.
It really is.
He's helped me so much.
He's come up with so many alternatives
for my step-monster's funeral.
That's another thing.
You seem obsessed with
this woman dying. It's creepy.
It turns out cremation is just
as expensive as the non-torch method.
If I don't come up with a cheaper
solution, I'll end up a bag lady.
Of course, I'll have alligator bags.
I've gotta go. I just remembered
I'm supposed to meet Forrester.
You haven't eaten.
I really didn't want any.
I'll talk to you guys later.
Nice meeting you, Myra.
I'll talk to you guys later, okay?
Sorry. I have to go.
Oh, God.
I told you.
Why is it that you
and Jules and my mother...
...and everyone I know are so sure
I should marry Alec?
If you and Alec don't get married,
I don't know who should.
I love Alec.
It's scary to think of spending
my whole life with him.
Then again, it's scary to think
of life without him too.
Men: Can't live with them,
can't shoot them.
Seen Billy?
I wondered how long
it'd take till you asked me.
I know. It's like stopping smoking.
I go as long as I can,
and then I just gotta have a hit.
Alec's got him working
for this Korean gangster...
...and I think Billy's
doing a really good job.
Great.
That's great.
What? It's great.
Kim...
I thought you were
coming back on Thursday.
Watch your step.
Excuse me, sir,
do you have an invitation?
Excuse me.
Kirby!
How are you?
I'm obsessed, thank you very much.
But you don't even know me.
I'm very average. Full of flaws.
I'm a slob.
I can't even make a bed straight.
I steal People magazine
from my dentist's office.
And look.
I rarely take out the garbage.
Here's my roommate, Judith.
She hates me.
I hate her.
And here's the worst of all.
When I first decided to be a doctor,
I thought I wanted to serve people.
But now, well...
...I'm starting to feel that what
medicine's really all about is money.
- Would you like some coffee?
- It's money, isn't it?
That's what you're telling me.
It's because I don't have any money.
Thank you for being honest.
The man, the myth, the legend!
The one and only Billy the Kid!
Seems like old times, huh, Billy-boy?
Old times.
Troy, man, I was thinking...
...that maybe I could get
a job on campus...
...with the students.
The fraternity, coaching. Anything.
We could use somebody like you
around here.
- Really?
- We need somebody to get us drugs.
Come on, let's go play some ball.
What is that, your rattle?
Hi, babe.
Remember Ray Slater?
The guy I was going out with
before I met you?
Well, he came by to see me yesterday.
He still wants to marry me.
He said he'd take care
of me and Melody.
Don't give up on me.
We could probably
still get an annulment.
I'm gonna change.
I'm gonna get the right job.
Look, there's gonna be
no more drinking.
And no more women.
You're not gonna believe
how out of hand it's gonna be.
I work out of my house.
You must be available 24 hours a day.
Complete discretion and loyalty.
$500 a week.
I'm your man, Mr. Kim.
I must be able to trust you with
my house, my car, my private affairs.
Look no further, Mr. Kim.
I'm your man.
That's her.
Okay, now open the door.
Give me a break, will you?
Get out and open the door.
That's your job.
What are you up to?
I was handpicked as special attach
to Mr. Kim Sung Ho.
The famous Korean entrepreneur?
What about medical school?
Foolish pipe dream. I had to grab my
financial opportunities while I could.
- It's all about money, right?
- Well, good luck.
I'm throwing a little party
at Kim's house on Saturday night.
I'd like to see you there.
Thanks, Kirby. I'll try.
Good deal.
Did you see her face?
She'll be there.
Mr. Kim finds out you're having a
party, and you'll be out in the street.
No way.
He won't be home until Sunday.
Besides, there's an extra $100
for you to keep your mouth shut.
So does this mean that
you're officially engaged?
Well...
It means I'm officially
thinking about it.
What is this? Didn't you think women
were always dying to get married?
Not to me.
Oh, God, look at this.
You look great.
Where's the beautiful doctor
we've been hearing about?
- On her way.
- You are so wrong.
College is a four-year delusion so
you don't have to deal with reality.
You're lambs waiting to be
slaughtered, you undergrads.
I take it medical school is now out.
Absolutely.
I am now a student of life.
This is my friend Howie Krantz.
Billy Hicks.
Hi, Billy.
We'll see you a little later.
A friend of yours?
Billy, I want you to know I'm not
gonna be getting you any more jobs.
Al, you're so perfect.
Such a young god.
You not only have the right stuff...
...you have the right job
and the right hair.
I, of course, have the wrong hair.
Forrester said he wanted to know what
I'm looking for in this relationship.
So I told him love, companionship
and the vice-presidency.
Sounds like you have your boss
wrapped around your finger.
I ever tell you what he likes me
to do with my finger?
- How's your stepmother?
- Hanging on, the old witch.
I found this place in California
called the Neptune Society.
They just wrap her up and feed her
to the sharks for $500.
I just have to ship her there.
She's worse.
It's gonna be a long night.
Yeah, hi. By any chance,
did Dale Biberman...
...get called in
on an emergency duty tonight?
Okay. Thanks.
- So how you doing?
- Fine.
You still live at home?
Yeah. How about you?
Felicia hasn't kicked me out yet.
Been playing your sax?
I hocked it to pay the bills.
Have you forgiven me for being
such a horse's ass?
There's nothing to forgive.
Actually, I should thank you.
It helped me grow up a lot,
made me see how stupid I was being.
Trusting a guy like me.
You're very talented.
So are you still...
...a virgin?
That's none of your business.
I want you to make another emergency
breakthrough. Do you hear me?
She won't release it?
Did you tell her who's calling?
Did you tell her I was giving
a goddamn party for her?
Make room.
The kid can't fly on one wing.
Come to Mama.
Quiet, please!
Quiet, please!
Quiet, please. Everyone!
Thank you.
Big Al has an announcement to make!
Oh, well, now we're excited.
On June 1...
...Leslie Hunter will do me
the long...
...long, long-awaited honor...
...of becoming my bride.
You're all invited!
Thank you very much.
Howie, let's make this
a double wedding.
What's the matter with you?
Cut it out!
We discussed this at home.
Now you completely discount me!
I'm just trying to facilitate
the marriage process.
You want marriage...
...or a Christmas card with
the Newberrys in front of a fireplace?
You're afraid to commit!
No, I'm not afraid to commit.
I have to have something for myself
first before I can share it with you.
Will you just for once...
...not use as the excuse for not
marrying me your goddamn career?
Fine. All right then.
I have a better excuse.
What are we going to do about
your extracurricular love life?
What extracurricular love life?
Alec, come on.
What did Kevin tell you?
Nothing.
What did you tell her?
What did you tell her?
He told me nothing.
It was just a hunch...
...until now.
I want you out of
the apartment tonight.
Are you okay?
That's okay.
It's cool. It ain't a party
till something gets broken.
We're swinging now.
Get off the phone and open this door!
Are you the maniac that's been
trying to cut in on my line?
I should have known.
Where's Dale?
She went skiing.
What do you mean? Where?
Why should I tell you?
Because I'm not responsible
for what I'll do to you if you don't.
Which one is yours?
I always forget.
So do I.
Let's get a drink.
You wanna?
Yeah, I do.
I've had a shit day.
I've had a shit year.
Where should we go?
I think the bars are closed.
Your place?
Okay.
You have really grown
into a fine-looking woman.
I don't feel very fine-looking.
There's something I've been
wanting to ask you all night.
What you got on underneath that skirt?
You should know.
Okay, Billy.
Come on.
Don't save it for your boss.
Can you keep a secret?
I have kept many secrets.
Billy, enough.
Enough!
Says who?
I say.
- Oh, you say.
- That's right.
You wouldn't have so much
to say with me in your mouth.
I'm serious. I said no!
Give me my keys.
Come and get them.
You shit, give me my keys!
- Come here.
- No! Give me my keys!
Come on!
I'm getting a boner now!
- Yes.
- Give me the keys!
I love it!
Give me my keys.
Oh, watch the crease.
Watch the crease.
I needed a friend tonight.
Get back in the Jeep and assume
the missionary position.
You break my heart.
Then again, you break
everyone's heart.
Hey, Jules, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.
- Who is it?
- Is Dale Biberman there?
- Who wants to know?
- Kirby Keager!
- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?
Kirby! What are you doing here?
Who is that?
- Stop him, Guy. Will you?
- I'm buck naked.
Kirby, stop! Come inside!
This guy is crazy.
You've got no snow tires or chains.
You've got no traction.
Kirby, please.
You won't get out of here tonight.
Come inside.
I'll stay in the car!
- He wants to stay in the car.
- He'll freeze.
People have died out here.
So just leave me alone!
Get away from me and leave me alone!
Please come inside.
I haven't been here for a while.
It's still the same.
Small and ugly.
But then again,
it is small and ugly. Here.
You sure you don't want to go
to some nice ladylike hotel?
I'll be fine here.
As long as I'm not putting you
or Kirbo to any trouble.
No, it's fine.
Is that a coffin?
I thought girls would think
it was sexy.
And do they?
How would I know?
You better not let Jules see it.
She'll steal it for her stepmother.
You wanna sit down there?
When did you win
these writing awards?
Oh, never. They're more effect
to impress young ladies.
I did win something.
In eighth grade...
...I won Best Haiku Poem.
I beat out David Autry.
Quite a thrill.
So I've wandered into a real
woman trap here, haven't I?
Only you're the first woman,
and I blew all my props already.
You want some brandy?
Good.
Am I part of your props?
Your clothes should be dry
in a few hours.
- He's a doctor, isn't he?
- And here are some pajamas.
You expect me to wear his pajamas?
We'll talk in the morning.
Alec was the first.
You know?
I mean, there were other guys
for me in high school.
Boys.
Alec was the first love of my life.
I sometimes think if we hadn't
ended up in the same dorm...
...I would have just met someone else.
So would he.
Alec had the luck of geography, right?
Whatever we say about Alec
we'll regret tomorrow.
Tell me something.
What do you think about
our relationship as an outsider?
I want you to be honest.
- Really.
- You want me to be honest?
I don't know.
Dangerous question.
Well, I think I hang around you guys
so much, personally...
...because, well,
you're all I think about.
Me?
And I think that the reason
I'm not interested in other women...
...and why I haven't had sex
in so long...
...is because I am...
...desperately, completely...
...in love with you.
We won't even remember this
tomorrow, huh?
It is tomorrow.
Oh, I love you!
I've always loved you!
- Oh, I'm sorry!
- No, no, I love it! I love it!
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Where is this thing?
- It's in the front.
- Okay. Wait.
I broke your shower!
I gave him a key.
I'm only gonna ask you this once.
Did you tell Leslie
about my screwing around?
No.
I believe you.
I want you to know that I believe you,
and I'm sorry I hit you.
I don't think...
...that I am ever gonna be able
to get Leslie back.
Buddy...
...I kind of got some company.
Oh, Jesus.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- I never thought...
- I'll call you tomorrow.
- I never thought it was possible.
- Let me call you.
- Hey, just a minute. Tell me.
- What?
- Is it the fat chick from the party?
- Let me call you later.
Come on. Come on.
I have to know.
Is it the fat chick from the party?
It's not the fat chick.
No way that this is happening.
It happened.
- Alec...
- Shut up!
Where is Kirby Keager?
He took my new car.
It started!
You better hurry up before
it starts snowing again.
So drive carefully.
Nice meeting you.
Honey, I'll get the camera,
and we'll take a photo of you guys.
I don't really know you that well,
but you seem like a fine person.
And I want you to know
I'm flattered by all this.
Deep down, I'm sure for a long time...
...I'll wonder if maybe
this isn't my loss.
Smile.
There you are.
Later, dude.
Hi, Daddy.
This is some neighborhood.
Did you get your car fixed?
I got a personal letter
from Lee Iacocca.
I did.
They fixed everything for nothing.
Good.
But I can't keep it.
I can't drive that car and work
with people who can't afford to eat.
Keep the car.
You and Howie will need it.
Well, Daddy...
...I'm giving Howie back too.
I don't love Howie.
Well, we learn to love.
I mean, there's marriage
and there's family...
...and the family business.
That's what's important.
I have my own job.
And I want to get my own apartment.
But you can keep your job
until you're pregnant.
I mean, Howie's a fine boy...
...and I don't think
you need your own apartment.
- Do you ever hear me?
- Well, I do.
I don't love Howie.
I don't love him.
I love Billy.
Billy from the roof?
I took off work because
I thought you wouldn't be here.
I'm sick.
What's wrong?
Just sickness.
You can't have the Pretenders album.
- That's mine.
- I bought it.
You did not!
You can have all the Billy Joels.
Except The Stranger.
I'm taking Thriller...
...and Mahler's Ninth.
Kevin is so fond of Mahler.
I moved in with Jules.
Oh, how nice.
Roomies again.
No Springsteen leaves this house!
You can have all the Carly Simons.
You got me those for Valentine's Day.
Remember Valentine's?
You ran out on this relationship.
Take the consequences.
I didn't run out on anything.
You ran out.
- You fucked Kevin!
- You fucked many!
Nameless, faceless many!
I feel much better now.
Thanks.
You're not taking The Police...
Anyway, I didn't just fuck Kevin!
I was confused and angry,
and I care about him deeply.
Get your clothes,
give me the keys and get out!
Now!
I can't believe
this is happening to us.
Wasted love!
God, I just wish
I could get it back!
You did it!
I think I'll probably
be back doing obits tomorrow.
You're gonna attract
a lot of attention with this.
You think?
It's because of you.
I couldn't write anything till you.
What?
Don't you guys ever use a bed?
I'm gonna show Jules your piece.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Kevin has his first byline.
Really? That's great.
Let me see.
"Housing in Maryland"?
- The other piece.
- "The Meaning of Life."
Forrester's waiting. Did the hospital
call? Did my step-monster die?
- He's waiting.
- I want to meet him.
Not now, but I'll have him wave up.
- She's out of control.
- Since the day we met her.
Who is that?
Jules' boss and lover.
International banking
has gotten sexier.
Speaking of which, not to get ahead
of myself, but I was thinking...
...maybe we'd get a place together.
What?
I know it's fast,
but I also know I love you.
Sex isn't love.
What's that mean?
That means that you were sitting there
with all these feelings...
...incredible feelings, tied up
in a box with my pictures.
And I needed to break away from Alec.
I'm not proud of my behavior.
- Hang up.
- Who's that?
That's not Kevin, is it?
You're not with Kevin
playing my records?
Stop it, please.
- Tell him we're moving in together.
- We are not!
So the two of you are
moving in together.
I wish everything could be like
it was, all of us friends.
I don't want to be friends.
I didn't mean that.
I mean, it was an accident.
I'm beginning to think
there aren't any accidents.
And I would really like it...
...if you would just leave.
Okay?
Great.
You were right all along.
- Love sucks.
- Yep.
So you gonna get the old job back?
No way.
Once I'm back in school,
I'll work part-time for a law firm.
Did you know there are
as many students in law school...
...as there are lawyers?
Sounds familiar.
I always thought
we'd be friends forever.
Yeah, well, forever got a lot
shorter suddenly, didn't it?
Okay, call Mary Dusit at that number.
Yeah, I'll call.
I'll call you back.
I'm sorry to bother you here.
Did you forget one of your albums?
It's Jules.
After she left for work
this morning...
...some finance company came
and took everything.
I couldn't reach her,
so I went over to her office.
She's been pretending
to go to work...
...telling me she's having
an affair with her boss.
He fired her three weeks ago.
I confronted her,
and she denied everything.
But then she went crazy. And now
she's locked herself in the apartment.
Please, I need your help.
Hi, Jules. Open the door.
- Open the door.
- She's in there.
She's got it deadbolted.
- What's he doing here?
- I called him.
Did you call all your lovers?
Will your high-school prom date
be joining us too?
- What's happening with Jules?
- She's bolted the door.
The fire escape!
Open up!
What are you doing?
- You'll freeze.
- That's the idea.
Jules, honey, it's me!
You're really scaring me now!
The country's falling apart,
but these bars are perfect.
- We need a hacksaw.
- Or an experienced thief.
I'll find Billy.
I was kidding.
He's working at the Amoco station.
I'll see what he's got.
- He's around the corner.
- Billy's working at a gas station?
He needed the money.
You little shit!
Here!
What's happening?
- How do you feel now, best friend?
- My notes!
You won't be needing
your notes anymore.
Stop it!
You'll kill him!
This won't solve anything.
Think of your career.
- Stop it!
- After all I've done for you!
I've done a lot for you too.
Pull me up.
What you did for me, you shit...
...was steal the woman
that I was gonna marry!
Kirbo, you need any help?
- Quick!
- Help! Alec, pull him up!
Looks pretty out of hand.
Stop it! Do you think this
is helping Jules?
I love her, man.
Give me a hand!
I got it! I got it!
- You all right?
- Super.
I'm going upstairs.
Somebody give me a hand!
Come on!
Oh, my God!
Honey, open the door.
It's so cold.
Noble how you ran up
to save your lover.
He's not my lover.
- Jules, listen...
- Bullshit!
I've never lied to you since the day
I met you, you cocky shithead!
- Alec!
- We all love you.
Help!
Open this goddamn door!
- Blowtorch?
- Give it to me.
- Do not hand that man a blowtorch.
- Put these on.
Open the door!
Did you hear me?
Open the door, or I'll bust it down!
I'm coming through this door!
You know I'm crazy enough to do it!
What's happening?
I'm going in.
Hi, Billy.
What's the big deal here?
You lost a job?
I've lost 20 of them since graduation.
Plus a wife and kid.
In a new development, a handful
of hair in the shower this morning.
That's better.
You know...
...this smells to me like
a little bit of self-created drama.
I should know. I've been
starring in a few of my own.
Do you know what I've been doing
every day since I got fired?
What?
I've been sitting in the hospital
with my step-monster.
We've had the best talks
we've ever had.
Of course, she's in a coma,
which really pisses me off.
Because all that time...
...I just waited...
...for one word from that woman...
...about why my father
hates me so much.
Jules, you know...
...honey, this isn't real.
You know what it is?
It's St. Elmo's fire.
The electric flashes of light that
appear in dark skies out of nowhere.
Sailors would guide entire journeys
by it. But there was no fire.
There wasn't even a St. Elmo.
They made it up...
...because they needed it
to keep going when things got tough.
Just like you're making up
all of this.
We're all going through this.
It's our time on the edge.
I'm just so tired.
I never thought I'd be so tired at 22.
I just don't even know
who to be anymore.
Join the club.
No one was buying this together-
woman-of-the-eighties stuff anyway.
And all this time I was afraid
you'd find out I wasn't fabulous.
It's cool.
All this time I was afraid
you'd find out I was irresponsible.
They're laughing.
The hysterical laughter heard...
...most frequently
from schizophrenic paranoids.
Set up my drafting table
so we can have coffee on it.
- Oh, baby.
- I love you.
And then what happened?
That was it.
We came out of the bedroom,
and then I shot her.
No, you did not.
You saved her life.
Oh, let's not be dramatic.
So when did you get so sane?
When I realized how insane I'd been
trying to be like Alec.
I'm not part of this
after-college life.
Careers. Marriage.
Felicia and Melody'll be
better off without me.
Did she get remarried already?
In about three or four weeks.
I was thinking of hanging
around and being...
...one of those
Ill-see-you-on-the-weekend dads.
That's not what Melody needs.
Besides, it'd confuse everybody.
You don't have to.
Come on, it's not even half of
what I owe you.
I'll get you the rest
once I get settled in New York.
If I can find someone who's
fool enough to let me play my sax.
Oh, they'll let you play.
You're really...
Talented, Billy.
You are.
This place is great.
You wanna know what's great?
Last night, I woke up...
...to make myself a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.
And you know, it was my kitchen,
and it was my refrigerator...
...and it was my apartment...
...and it was the best peanut butter
and jelly sandwich...
...I've had in my entire life.
You're really going, huh?
You still a virgin?
Why is my sexual status
so important to you?
Have I abused our relationship
too much...
...or could I be so bold as to ask you
for a going-away present?
Oh, God.
Good luck.
You're gonna be okay.
So are you.
Forgive me for not getting intimate.
Here. Long ride.
- You shouldn't have.
- I know.
You're beautiful. Never shave.
Don't go changing to please me.
Bye.
Don't let her go.
Go get out of hand.
I'm gonna keep in touch.
No, you will not.
I can't remember
who met who first...
... or who fell in love
with who first.
All I can remember is
the seven of us always together.
And I've made a decision.
I think...
...I have to be
by myself for a while.
I thought I was
the miracle of your life.
I thought I was the miracle.
I love you both.
I'm gonna try life
without any miracles for a while.
I hope we can still be friends.
- Sure.
- Sure.
Let's kill her.
Do you want to go in
and get a drink?
- I gotta be at work early tomorrow.
- Me too.
- I need to find a job tomorrow.
- Me too.
How about brunch Sunday?
That sounds good.
So we meet here around 12:30?
Why don't we go to Hoolihan's?
Not so noisy.
Not so many kids.
- Great.
- Sunday, 12:30.
Guess what?
You guys will never believe it.
I found out that it only costs
$250 to bury a cat.
So I figured, why don't I just put
my step-monster into a large cat suit?
GELULA and CO., INC.