1
[silence]
[electricity crackling]
[exhales]
And I said, "You better show
me your jingle balls."
[house music pounding
in distance ]
[door slams]
[light knocking on door]
[sign squeaking]
[music blares over speaker]
[music flickers on and off
at lower volume]
[instrumental version
of "Silent Night" ]
[music ceases abruptly]
[music plays again ]
[coughing]
[music ceases]
[watch beeps]
[single beep]
[whistling "Silent Night" ]
[high-pitched tone ]
[vomits]
[coughing]
[door opens]
[faucet running]
[sniffing and clearing throat]
[door opens]
Iiit's Christmas!
[laughing]
What a night.
Why are you wearing?
Huh?
Well, it's for the
charity auction, isn't it?
There's a swimsuit round.
No, there isn't
a swimsuit round.
Oh, fuck!
Fucking Evie!
She thinks she's got it
in the bag.
There is no way
that skinny bitch
is gonna get one over on me!
No way!
The Managing Director
won me.
I raised over a grand
in this, Debbie!
Who else is in
the auction then?
Heather.
- What?!
Planet Heather?
- Yep.
Really?
No, really.
You retard!
Fucking dick!
[video game sounds]
[indistinct gossiping]
She'd have to use
a tractor tyre as her sash.
She's heavier than
[indistinct]
[laughing]
She's fat.
- Yeah.
She puts the "fuck" in "fat."
Do you remember the time at
the office Easter Egg hunt?
You know, when they found her
having an [indistinct],
shoving Kinders in her
cake hole?
No.
That didn't happen!
Oh yeah!
Well fuck it.
Let's just say it didn't.
[indistinct]
Bitch do it.
Wait, wouldn't that be an egg--
Look, I don't think her mouth
discriminates when it comes
to food.
In the same way that yours
doesn't when it comes to cock!
Wait what?
- Oh, please!
The fact that your throat
looks like
the opening titles
to "Look Who's Talking."
Oh, I don't get it.
[soundtrack swells
then fades ]
[loud thud]
What?
Err?
What is that?
Oh, God!
That pizza delivery boy got
"rapey" under the mistletoe.
But Jeff swooped in
and saved the day!
What?
Geoff from accounts?
No, Jeff from I.T.
Jeff!
Jefferoni!
Jefferson airplane!
Huh?
He's the one.
You know...
Heather the Heifer.?
[laughs]
God!
Then he took me into
the copy room
and photocopied my "O" face.
[laughing]
You are so naughty!
Holly...
What are you doing?
Shhh...
It's a Christmas party.
Someone's bound
to do something stupid.
It might as well be us.
[moans]
[laughing]
[kissing]
Shit!
[knocking on door]
Hello!
Hello!
Charlie?
- Charlie?
One of the "crusties" from
the basement.
Are you, are you decent?
No!
I'm indecent.
Now...
fuck off!
Can I come in?
No!
[yells]
I just want my tool box!
Fuck off, Charlie.
You're not even supposed
to be here, Charlie.
It's white collar only.
You should be ashamed
of yourself, Charlie!
You shouldn't perv on people
at Christmas, Charlie.
I wasn't!
Look, look!
I'm just looking for my tool
box.
It's Christmas Eve.
I want to be home
with my family.
Someone took my tool box!
Oh!
Fuck!
Here!
[grunting and struggling]
[through door]
It's Christmas!
Weak Charlie.
Real weak!
[laughing]
Dick!
[laughs]
What's that?
Oi!
[laughs]
[screams]
[flesh tearing]
[low growling]
[chime tone]
[footsteps]
[heavy breathing]
[pounding on door]
[coughs then speaks
in female voice]
Occupied!
[growling]
[screams]
Sorry, sorry!
Sorry, sorry!
Sorry, sorry!
Sorry, sorry!
Sorry, sorry!
[bones cracking]
Sorry, sorry!
Sorry, sorry!
I'm sorry.
Oh God.
[moaning]
[hand dryer blows]
[yelling]
[can hissing]
[zombies moaning]
Fu--
..uck!
[catching breath]
[snorting]
Jesus!
Fuck!
Help!
Help!
I'm stuck in the bathroom!
There's zombies in your toilet!
Ahh, ahh!
[growling]
No!
Go away!
No, go away!
No, no, no.
I want alive people!
[yells]
[moaning]
[strained breathing]
[vomits]
[coughing]
[coughing]
[toilet flushing]
[sniffling]
[softly]
Hey!
Hey, hello!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[door thuds]
[squishing sounds]
[gagging]
Yeah!
Yes!
Ah!
[yelling]
[video game sounds]
[growling]
[toilet flushing]
[cell line ringing]
Come on, come on!
Come on, come on!
Yes!
[operator]
Hello, Emergency Services.
Police, Fire or Ambulance?
Oh, err?
Who handles zombies?
I dunno?
Police, police.
Police, police.
Police.
OK, I'm just putting
you through.
Thank you.
[line ringing]
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You've got to help me!
I'm really, really trapped.
And there's all these...
there's those...
[officer moaning]
Who's this?
[moaning]
Zombie police.
[moaning on phone
and in bathroom]
Shut the fuck up!
[officer moaning]
["Silent Night" resumes
over speaker]
[sobbing in adjacent stall]
Hey.
No, no, no.
Shush, shush.
Shush, shush.
Hello?
Shh, shh!
Don't cry.
Please...
don't cry.
Shush, shush, shush!
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I didn't mean to smash you
in the head in with a...
toilet seat.
And I didn't mean to stab you
in the mouth
with a screwdriver.
But...
you tried to eat me...
and you stole my trousers.
So...
I'm not a zombie, you dick!
Yeah.
Yeah, you are.
I came in a few minutes
before the peep show.
I'm in the third stall along!
Err...
Okay.
Errr...
Why didn't you say anything?
Uhh...
Because I was...busy?
Busy?
Busy doing what?!
What do you think girls do in
the bathroom?
Um, well from my limited
experience I'd have to say
"lez up" and rip each other's
throats out.
I worked with those girls.
Ahh, don't worry about it.
They were bitches.
You got a phone?
No, it's gone AWOL.
Jesus, we're fucked,
aren't we?
Maybe?
So, are you maintenance,
a pervert or both?
Maintenance.
Have have you got any tools?
You must have!
Come on, something we can
use to like, cut off their heads
or bash in their skulls!
[snarling]
Really good!
Yes.
Yeah!
Yeah, I've got
shit loads of stuff!
It's in my tool...
Ahh!
Don't!
No, no, no, no, no!
No, ahh!
What are you doing?
Learning a valuable lesson.
- What?
Nothing.
Where's this tool box?
[sighs]
Sink.
Oh, shit!
Is there anything in your stall
we can use?
Only if you wanna
wipe their arses
and give them a posh wank!
Maybe that's a cure.
Okay, well...
Hey, you go first!
You know what?
Oh, don't worry!
If you die in the process,
I'm gonna make sure
they erect a big statue
of you in the town hall.
You will be like...
jerking off a zombie
with one hand,
scooping out his
dirty crack with the other!
Ahh!
My hero.
[blows raspberry
and laughs]
Woah, woah, woah,
woah, woah!
What's going on?
Er, you've got another
five dead arses to wipe.
Shit!
So, what's your name?
What's your name?
Did you know Romero?
Oh.
[laughs]
Yeah, it's not really.
That would be ridiculous.
It's Smith.
Evie Smith.
So, were you having
a good time?
Woah, woah, woah.
No, no, no, no!
I was just trying to have a poo.
I wasn't doing anyth--
At the party, numb nuts!
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was, it was, um...
kicking.
- Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was partying with Jeff.
Jefferoni!
Jefferson Airplane!
Yeah, Geoff from accounts?
Jeff from I.T.
You're pals with Jeff from
I.T.?
He is, like, the hottest guy
in the building!
Yeah, people say we look alike.
So, um...
Wow!
- Yeah, yeah.
We're mistaken for brothers
all the time.
Actually, it's funny.
You don't sound...black!
No, err...
I'm more of a...
pale...
vanilla version of Jeff.
Jefferoni.
Jefferson Airplane.
[stammering]
And you're in
a wheelchair too?
What?
- [laughs]
I'm fucking with you!
Hey, um, why don't you
jump up on your toilet
and give us a wave?
Oh, I can't.
I hurt my back
doing my party piece
for the auction.
Hey, you know the
Salt-n-Pepa routine
that snagged three grand for
the headless orphans
of Uganda?
Yep, that was me.
- Thank you!
[whispering]
Thank you!
[stammering]
No, I didn't see that.
I totally missed that one?
Don't worry.
I'll live.
Yeah, so what
do you look like?
What, er, me?
I'm like er, er,
a blonde Keira Knightley.
But with boobs.
Heh, I've always said she could
do with losing a few pounds.
You know, I'm not gonna
apologize for being able to
squeeze into my
size six hot pants.
I mean, the world's media
goes fucking schizoid
when a skinny model pops up
on the cover of Cosmo,
but, you know, who dares go
after that fatty boom-boom...
for glamorizing heart disease
and diabetes?
I mean, fuck, when, when was
it a bad idea for a kid
to put down a bacon double
cheeseburger, huh?
I think by the end of the week,
the nations kids are gonna be
living on a diet of intestines
and eyeballs.
That's one hot potato we can
flush down the loo.
Jamie Oliver's fucked
[laughs]
Hey, you must be
in bulimic heaven.
Yeah, why's that?
[exhales hot air]
Well you know.
Living in a toilet,
surrounded by skeletons.
Who said I was bulimic?
Well, the alarm bells are
ringing.
Fuck you!
Alarm bells!
Fucking alarm bells!
Look, I'm not bulimic, okay!
I may be a little anorexic,
but--
No, no, no.
Fire alarm!
We can set off the fucking
fire alarm!
Ahh, great idea!
Zombie firemen!
Bigger zombies...with axes!
Yay!
Get them to pay us a visit!
Okay, where are you?
Yeah!
Okay, all we need to do is bust
the glass on that alarm
and someone's just
gotta come.
And how do we do that?
[elastic snapping]
[laughing]
Oh my God!
Did you see that?
[laughing]
Did you fucking see that?
Yeah, I watching!
I'm watching!
Keep going!
Let's go again.
Cheese and whiskers!
What's her problem?!
Er, I don't think she likes me
using her bestest lingerie
as a catapult.
Shit!
- Fuck!
What's the ammo count,
William Smell?
Two.
For the love of fuck!
[cell phone beeps
then crunches]
Last one?!
Yeah.
- Well, make it count!
[soundtrack music swells ]
Don't worry guys.
I'm here to get you out!
[Evie]
Whose that?!
It's me, Jeff.
Is that Jeff from I.T.
or Geoff from Accounts?
Jeff from I.T.
Really, really good.
Okay, looks like this
is all that's left.
Everybody else has gone
full mongo,
so let's get this show on--
[gagging]
What do you want to get
the show on Jeff?!
Jeff?
Is it "the road," Jeff?!
Oh!
Are we getting the show
on the road?!
Jeff?!
Oh, please, say we're getting
the show on the road!
What's going on?!
Shut up!
I got it!
We're not getting the show
on the road, are we?
So...
What are "we" doing
for Christmas?
Okay, I take it you're not
a Christmas guy, huh?
No, err...
I'm not a Christmas guy.
You don't like Christmas?
God, how can you not
like Christmas?
Do you know when, err,
Garfield's birthday is?
G-Garfield's birthday?
Yeah, Garfield's birthday.
Uhh...
No?
It's June 19th.
It's, it's on June 19th.
Your tool box you forget,
but the birth date of a cartoon
cat you remember?
Wow, that's prioritizing for
you.
Why do you even
remember that?
[sighs[
It's my mum's birthday.
Aww!
That's sweeet!
So what's your point?
Everyday during
my 30-minute break from...
changing light bulbs
and fixing photocopiers...
I sit on the loo,
I drink my coffee,
I eat my sandwich,
and I flick to the back
of the newspaper
to see what Garfield's
been up to.
Okay, it's always ultimately
a slight variation on...
pushing Odie off a table,
or eating lasagna,
or hating Mondays.
But it's enough.
Enough to get me through
my fucking day.
or at least raise
a fucking smile.
I got this job
straight outta school,
so that means Garfield's been
giving me a smile a day
for ten years.
It's a decade of mild chuckles.
Which is infinitely more than
what Jesus Christ
has ever done for me.
So, next June 19th,
will I be singing
my Garfield carols,
sticking up
my Garfield tree
and opening
my Garfield cards?
So, it seems slightly unfair
and hypocritical of me
to celebrate the birthday of
another heavily merchandised
fictitious character that will
never, ever get me to crack
a motherfucking smile.
[laughing]
You are fucking nuts!
Yeah, well...
God, if that's how
you see things,
why do you even wanna
get outta this place?
Fuck, I said I didn't
like Christmas,
I didn't say I was suicidal.
Jesus Christ!
So, you're close
to you're mummy?
What?!
Well, you mentioned
your mum?
Is that who you're...
"uncelebrating"
Christmas with?
Nooo.
You're not even seeing
you're Mum at Christmas?
I mean bug nuts atheist
propaganda aside,
isn't there anyone you wanna
spend the Yuletide with?
All right, well, I could layout
the figgy pudding
and mince pies on my dead
dad's cider-soaked grave.
Or, okay, let me see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I could visit my cheating
ex-girlfriend and watch her
throw a Brussels sprout
at my fucking head.
Yeah, and what about
your Mum?
Err...
I haven't spoken
to her for a while.
No?
For how long?
Couple of years?
Kind of, borrowed some
money off her...for college.
Didn't pay her back.
Well, that's not bad.
It was an education.
She's probably proud.
Yeah, proud.
You didn't go, did you?
I got a BA Honors in fucking
unblocking the shitter!
Course I didn't fucking go.
What did you spend
the cash on?
Errr, I dunno.
Yeah, you do.
I lost it on a bet with Mikey,
the pot-head security guard.
What did you bet on?
That's a really weird time
to have a horse race.
No, no.
The year 2012?
What?!
Mikey bet me that the whole
Mayan Calendar...
bullshit thing was...
bullshit...and...
Guess what?
it was bullshit!
Okay, tell me.
If you were right,
if you had won that bet.
How were you expecting
to spend the money?
Like a motherfucking
pimp, that's how!
That's not what I meant.
Um...
Well, let's just see how this
whole situation pans out.
Mikey might be eating
his words...
or his kids.
Give her a call.
Who?
Your mother.
My phone's filled
with brains and piss.
I mean, when we
get out of here...
Just give mummy a call.
That kinda stuff's important.
How about your family
and stuff?
Oh, me?
Ohh!
You know what?
I have a huuuge family!
And we all go to Uncle Keith's
for Christmas dinner.
Like, I mean, everyone goes.
Everyone...
So, there's mummy and
daddy, brothers and sisters,
aunties, uncles,
grandmas and granddads,
nieces and nephews--
You know what I can't
help but think,
when I see
a large family like that?
What?
All those funerals.
You're a dick.
I''m just saying.
Yeah. I don't want to hear it!
You know, just
a witty observation.
I don't want to hear it!
- Didn't mean any offense--
Look, just grab your bra,
pull your finger out and get us
the fuck out of here!
[moaning]
Yeah, yeah!
Jesus!
- Christ!
Oh fuck!
What have you done?
Oh, nothing.
I don't hear any alarms!
Um, you'll be hearing some
bells in a minute.
Okay, I honestly can't believe
I'm gonna say this, but...
have we got company?!
Errr...
Zombie Elf!
What?!
Where?!
Look, he's gonna be popping
up any minute.
Is there anything you can
bash his head in with?
With what?!
Are you sure you haven't got
any weapons of any kind?
Oh well, only this Taser,
but I'm only meant to use it
in emergencies!
You've got a Taser?
No, I haven't got a Taser,
you retard!
Now fucking help me!
- How?!
Think outside the box!
- Ha!
Well, I dunno!
Distract him!
Slit your wrists!
Cut your ear off!
Use your brains!
[digital recorder playing]
Use your brains!
They eat flesh and blood,
don't they?
Besides self-harming,
where am I gonna get
blood from?
From inside a toilet
cu...bic..cle?
Come and get it!
[laughing]
Oh!
[gagging]
[straining]
We're okay.
Okay.
[whispering]
Be careful!
[slurping and gurgling]
Be careful!
[straining]
Hey [indistinct]!
Look out!
Woah!
[Evie yelling]
Go, go, go!
Quick, go!
Go!
Come on!
Quickly!
Do it quick, quick!
Fuck off!
[yelling]
That went well.
[squishing sounds]
[groaning]
[sighs]
[screams]
[screams]
He lives!
Oh...
Oh God.
I was hoping I had
slept through Christmas!
Nope, still one more sleep.
One more sleep.
Wish these fuckers
would sleep.
God, I am sick and tired
of zombies.
Tired and sick!
Ah!
Zombies!
You know, now we know
that zombies are real.
I wonder if other stuff's
real too?
What like?
Ah, I don't know?
You know like...
Frankensteins or...
Pikachus or...
ddinosaurs?
Wanna make another bet?
[coughs]
Fuck you.
Are you okay?
- Pain.
Hang on.
When you were out
for the count...
I popped out and did a little
bit
of last minute
Christmas shopping.
Yeah?
- Yep.
The missiles are flying!
It's a Christmas present.
It's not Christmas yet.
Aw, didn't your mummy ever
sneak you an early gift
I was lucky if I was sneaked a
gift on Christmas day.
Open it.
Better not be
what I think it is.
Yeah, they were all out
of Turbo-Men.
Opennn iiitt.
"It's Turbo Time!"
Mmm.
Come on.
It'll take the pain away!
Yeah.
- Jeepers creepers!
You know what, you should
thank your lucky stars
that you didn't have to learn
to appreciate gifts
the way I did.
What do you mean?
Okay, When I was 15...
all I wanted for Christmas
was my ears pierced.
I mean, like, I really
wanted them pierced.
By this time, all my friends
were wearing earrings.
I was the only one making do
with these shitty clip-ons.
And I knew my mum was
dead set against it but...
You know, I thought I had a
chance if I buttered up Daddy.
So, the week
before Christmas,
mummy was out
getting the turkey,
and Daddy and I were left
alone, trimming the tree.
I asked him if I could,
you know, get 'em pierced.
He ummed and he ahhed
and he did the whole
usual cliche'd responsible
parent bullshit, but...
I gave him the
Disney Princess eyes
and the little girl pout.
I put up a good fight.
So...
after some serious thought,
Daddy strolled over
to the liquor cabinet,
poured himself
some egg nog,
drew the curtains
and then, yeah,
he told me I could get
my ears pierced...
if I sucked his dick.
So, yeah, I soon learned that
I,
I must've inherited my
bargaining skills from him,
because as
"Do They Know it's Christmas"
played in the background,
my knees were...
sinking into the shag pile,
and I was unzipping
Daddy's chords and...
I put my lips
around his cock and...
started blowing him and...
even though it was the first
dick I'd ever sucked,
I knew something wasn't right.
It...
It tasted strange.
I pulled his boner
out of my mouth,
and I started spitting.
"What's wrong, Sweetie?"
he said.
"Ooh, daddy!
Your dick tastes of poo-poo!"
Daddy looked me in the eyes,
and he said,
"Yeah, that's because your
brother wants a computer."
[laughing]
Ah, it's good isn't it!
[can pops open]
Computer!
Computer!
I.T.!
Fucking I.T.!
What floor is this?!
- Seventh floor.
Seventh floor!
Fuck!
Shit!
Fuck!
I.T.'s above us!
Yeah.
Jeff's dead, okay?
Your hang-ups can die
with him.
No, no, no, no!
I.T.'s on the eighth.
Which means...
Yes!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Motherfucking yes!
- Motherfucking what?
I.T.'s above us.
Which means the hub...
The what?
[stammering]
The hub.
Yeah, I really don't need to
upgrade my Dell right now.
No, no, no, no, no.
There's a crawlspace.
A crawlspace?
Yeah, yeah...
[groaning]
Hello?!
Ooh.
Aah.
Uh.
Yeah, uh.
What was I saying?
Are you okay?
No.
- Oh, shit.
Have you popped the pill?
Yeah.
- Okay, listen to me.
We need to get out of here.
Okay, you need to focus.
[female voice]
Hmm...
But the queen is swimming
in my toilet.
Hello!
Oh poo!
He's a light weight.
Okay, dude!
Dude, listen up!
Err?
Okay, you're gonna
have to sweat this out.
Yeah, you're gonna have to get
this out of your system
Ibiza style.
- Ooh!
Hello?
Hello!
Santa's coming
to my hooouuuse!
Right.
Okay.
[house music plays
over speaker ]
Ooh, now this is good!
We can use this.
We can use this!
Now the party
really has started!
Wooh!
- Are you dancing?
This is the Christmas party,
isn't it?!
Come on!
Move it, mister!
Oh.
- Come on, you!
Get up and shake
that boo-tay!
Err, think I'm hemorrhaging.
You know you want to!
Let's party like it's
the last night on earth!
Errr...
- Come on!
Get up and show that toilet
duct what you're made of.
[volume increases]
That's better.
Pick up the pace, granddad!
Hey, Swayze!
You okay?!
Er, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You sure?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's wearing off.
It's totally wearing off.
[music kicks in
full volume ]
[ ]
[song breaks down ]
[ ]
[song kicks back in ]
[Evie]
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Huh?
I've been calling you
for 45 minutes!
Are you detoxed yet?!
Yeah.
[Evie laughs]
You know, I think
we're onto something.
A party in a toilet.
It's genius!
Urination is expected of you
and it doesn't matter
if you puke!
[laughs]
You know...
You really didn't strike me
as the kind of girl
who sells herself to the highest
bidder on Christmas Eve.
What kind of girl
do I strike you as?
One that's better than that.
Well, appearances
can be deceiving.
You don't strike me
as a low-life thief.
[chucking]
Ah, what?
You really don't strike me
as the kind of guy
who swipes his
boss's tool box,
the kind of guy who steals
a load of cash...
charity cash...
on Christmas Eve.
- Woah, woah, woah!
That's not my fault, okay?
It's not!
They accused me of nicking
toilet paper, which I didn't do!
I didn't!
But they fired me anyways.
I'm low on funds,
so I thought.
"Fuck it!
I'm gonna nick as much stuff
as I can before I fuck off."
Aw, you're like a reverse
Santa Claus!
So, you thieve hard-earned
charity money
and steal belongings from
your work colleagues
at Christmastime?
Wow!
You're shaping up to be a real
champion of champions!
Bet you're wishing you'd
waited 'til I was done
shaking my booty,
then you'd be
three grand better off.
Looks like once again,
you took a gamble
that didn't pay off.
Hey, if I'm doing the time.
I'm doing the crime, okay?
I'm only doing this so I can
pay my mum's rent
before New Year's.
- Your mum?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
My M--
I thought you said you haven't
seen your mum in years.
[sighs]
No, I haven't spoken
to her in years.
Well wait.
[chuckles]
So you live with your mother.
But you don't speak to her?
Is that right?!
[laughing]
You're like an undercover
mummy's boy!
Look, at least I'm the one
telling the truth here, okay?
The shit's meant to go
in the crapper,
not spray out of
your fucking gob.
Ah, accuse me of having
verbal diarrhea, if you will.
But not talking things out can
seriously damage your health.
I'm guessing this whole
zombie outbreak thingy
was probably caused
by some stupid fucker
keeping things bottled up like
a B-list celebrity fragrance.
Probably some mad scientist
too proud to tell
his lab assistant
that his bits
were dropping off.
Or he was beginning to hanker
for a brain sandwich.
And now look!
Life's too short
to harbor silly grudges.
So if--
Sorry!
When...
you get out of here...
Give yourself
a Christmas present.
Call your fucking mum.
She deserves it.
You deserve it.
Wait a minute!
What?
Your phone?!
The one that's full
of brains and piss!
It wouldn't happen to be a
black Modasung, would it?
Yeah.
- Fuck!
So the reason I couldn't
call for help!
The very second
this thing went down.
The reason I can't call my
family to check if they're okay,
was because you stole my
phone from my desk,
to film two drunken bimbos
experimenting in a sink?!
Oh, you are a pig!
It's nothing personal!
I thought it belonged
to that fat chick.
You're a fucking disgrace!
- Oh Jesus, come on!
[door thuds]
Shit!
[moaning]
So what's this
"amazing" plan?!
Uh...
Right.
Wow.
Yeah, okay.
Err, if the blueprints in
the office are right...
there should be
an access panel about...
ten feet east.
Well, how does that help us?!
If we can get
into the crawlspace...
we can shimmy our way
to the access panel
and be home
in time for Christmas.
Yeah, I thought
you hated Christmas.
Ho, ho, fucking ho.
So, how wide's
this crawlspace?
Couple of feet, I guess.
I might have to suck in
the guts but you'll be okay.
[scoffs]
This is never gonna work.
How are we gonna
get in there?
Err, hold on a sec.
What the fuck are you doing?!
This is gypsum board.
This is two sheets of gypsum.
I can knock through this.
I can bash through this.
With what?!
My hammer.
[moaning]
[growling]
Who the hell is that?!
It's my boss.
Shit, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
[squishing sounds]
I'm scared.
I'm really, really scared!
Oh god!
Do something!
Hey Charlie!
Hey Charlie, up here!
How ya doing?
[laughing]
You alright?
Oh, Merry Christmas
and all that.
Um, look, about your tools...
uh, yeah.
I was actually polishing them.
The season of goodwill
and all that.
But I had to throw
them all away
so I could fit in
the money which I stole!
Oh fuck!
- What are you doing?!
Getting hammered!
[yelling]
Jesus!
[Charlie Zombie grunting]
Watch it!
- Come on!
Hurry up!
Evie, I've got it!
I've got it!
[screaming]
What's happening?!
What?!
[glass breaking]
[yelling]
- No!
Oh my God!
No, no, no!
Are you sure?!
Did you--
[yelling]
Fuck it!
- Oh shit!
Fuck!
Fuck!
[crying in pain]
- Oh my God!
Oh God, I'm so sorry!
I'm so, so sorry!
You shouldn't have bothered
to try to save me.
Why not?!
You're worth 3000 pounds.
You know I'm not!
And I'm sorry for calling
you a disgrace.
I know you're not a bad guy.
I know there's a conscience
hidden under that...
grease-stained cap
and all your...
"me against the world"
bullshit.
I mean, who else steals from
their place of work
on their last day but...
completes their shift?
[both laughing]
What?
[laughing]
What?!
Charlie bit me!
- What?!
Charlie bit me!
What, what?!
[laughing madly]
[Evie yelps]
Oh my God!
Ah, ah!
Oh, gross!
[door thuds
and zombie growls]
What are you doing?!
Get ready for our first date!
[knocks twice on wall]
[Evie knocks twice]
It's me you idiot!
Right, okay.
Err...
Stand back!
I'm gonna started
on the wall okay!
Okay?
[Evie knocks]
[laughing]
I can see...
you.
I told you this isn't
gonna work.
Your name isn't Evie,
is it?
You're Heather the--
- Oh, go on say it.
Just say it!
Heather the Heifer!
Heather the fucking Heifer!
I should've known.
I should've known!
How could I have
been so dumb?!
So fucking dumb?!
Why?
Why would Jeff...
Jeff from IT.,
be interested in
a disgusting blob like me?
So yeah, I am "the fat chick."
And I was crying when you met
me because they'd set me up.
They told me to come in here
and wait for my
Christmas present?
And guess what?
It never came.
So, the only reason that I'm
stuck in this upright coffin
is 'cos I'm dumb.
Dumb, fat and desperate.
The big girl who
will never get the guy.
And never, ever fit
in that crawlspace.
Look, Heather...
I don't even know
these people.
I wasn't even invited
to the Christmas party.
Yeah, I know that.
I knew all along.
You're too nice.
I'm sorry I stole your phone.
Yeah well...
I'm sorry I laughed at the
fact that you got no job
and you live with your mum.
[laughing]
I wanna thank you
for this evening.
'Cos this was my first, only
and last date.
And it was a delight.
Last?
I know you don't celebrate,
but...
I'm gonna give you your
Christmas present early.
What do you mean?
You really don't need me
weighing you down.
Heather, don't touch that.
Wish your mum
a Merry Christmas for me.
Heather,
don't fucking touch that!
It's a Christmas party!
- Heather.
Somebody's gotta
do something stupid.
Heather, don't--
Fuck!
[growling and flesh tearing]
No!
No!
[whimpering]
[watch beeps]
[catching breath]
[both yelling]
[hammer drops]
[female zombie
gurgling]
[digital recorder playing
Heather's voice]
Use your brains!
[rewinding]
Use your brains!
[rewinding]
Use your brains!
[rewinding]
Use your brains!
[zombies repeating]
Brainsss!
Brains!
Brains!
Brains, brains!
Brains!
Brains!
Brains, brains!
[Heather's voice]
You're a dick!
...a low-life thief.
I don't wanna hear it!
You are shaping up to be a real
champion of champions.
You're a fucking disgrace!
Once again, you took a gamble
that didn't pay off.
You are a pig!
You're an undercover
mummy's boy!
[echoing]
Mummy's boy.
Mummy's boy.
[zombies]
Brains!
[zombies moaning]
[hyperventilating]
[coughing]
[catching breath]
[screams]
[moaning]
[instrumental version of
"The Little Drummer Boy" ]
Evie?
Are you all, like, weird like
those fuck-ups upstairs?
Err...
No.
[sighs]
Thank Christ.
Top floor is full of 'em.
They're like so annoying.
[muzak continues
in elevator ]
God, I hope Holly's alive.
I just wanna see the look
on her fugly face
when I tell her
I went for three grand
at the Christmas Auction!
Three fucking grand!
It's a company record.
It's lucky I didn't
get this 'til after.
Woulda got deducted points.
You got bit?
- Yeah...
Geoff from Accounts.
It's so inappropriate
and unprofessional.
Why does this thing
take so fucking long?!
I swear Holly only made
700 plus change.
[laughing]
I said to her...
I said, "Heather the Heifer
could've done better!"
Heather...
Heather didn't make it.
Aww.
Heather the Heifer.
D'you know she seriously
thought Jeff from I.T.
was gonna bang her
this evening?
[sighs]
Uh, he's umm...
He's looking for you.
What, really?!
Wait!
Jeff from I.T.?!
Jefferoni?!
Jefferson Airplane?!
Jeff from I.T.?!
Really?!
He's here?!
Smell ya later!
Hey, Evie!
Merry Christmas.
[ ]
[change drops into phone]
[phone line ringing]
Hey!
Hey mum!
It's me.
What do you mean "who?"
Me, your son?
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I--
A work jacket and a cap.
Yeah, I'm warm enough.
Yeah, mum?
Are you okay?
Okay, just lock all the doors
and the windows.
Just check, okay?
Because I'm worried!
Because I'm your son
and you're my mum.
And someone told me to.
A friend.
Look Mum, I've got, yeah,
a work jacket and a cap.
Yeah, mum, I'm fine.
Look, Ive gotta go.
I'll be home in time
for Christmas.
Okay?
Yeah.
I need the toilet.
[house music ]
[electricity crackling]
[sighs]
[electricity crackling]
[exhales sharply]
[door squeaks open]