When you play the game of life,
you've got trouble, you've got strife
Jack o' Diamonds is a hard card to find
Life's like a game of cards,
but it's very, very hard
Jack o' Diamonds is a hard card to find
Jack o' Diamonds
Jack o' Diamonds, Diamonds
Is a hard card to find
Jack o' Diamonds
Jack o' Diamonds, Diamonds
Is a hard card to find
Jack o' Diamonds
Jack o' Diamonds, Diamonds
Is a hard card to find
Jack o' Diamonds
Jack o' Diamonds, Diamonds
Is a hard card to find
Well, they say that ace is high,
but I know that that's a lie
Jack o' Diamonds is a hard card to find
The Queen of Hearts is way above
'cause her heart is singing love
Jack o' Diamonds is a hard card to find
Jack o' Diamonds
Jack o' Diamonds, Diamonds
Is a hard card to find
Jack o' Diamonds
Jack o' Diamonds, Diamonds
Is a hard card to find
Diamonds is a hard card to find
Diamonds is a hard card to find
There you go, lads! First one's on me.
- Thanks, Paul.
- Cheers.
I definitely missed a couple
of notes in that solo.
I'm tellin' ya, I didn't notice.
- Three rum and coke, please.
- Comin' right up.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Nice set.
- Thanks a lot.
I like your glasses.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Not too hipster?
- It's a fine line.
So you're into skiffle?
Yeah. Yeah, well,
didn't have the hair for disco.
- What about you?
- Yeah, love it.
- Really?
- Who wouldn't!
It's not everyone's thing,
but my folks used to play it
all the time, Lonnie Donegan...
She is so great.
Yeah. Right.
- What?
- Nothing. Just...
Lonnie Donegan was a bloke.
Oh, right, yeah.
- I mean, it's no big deal.
- Sure.
- It was nothing.
- I know.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- You know what? It's fine.
Forget it.
Asshole!
You know, somewhere
the ghost of Lonnie Donegan
is wondering why you have
a dick and he hasn't.
Yeah, we're not doing gigs
like this for the money, man.
Do your girlfriends know that, do they?
Just want a bit of honesty.
Is that too much to ask?
Every relationship starts off
with at least one lie.
- You're tellin' me?
- You know what I mean.
For every 'Puppy Love', there's a hundred
'Heard it Through the Grapevine'
or 'Yesterday' or... 'The Sign'.
Ace of Base.
Read the lyrics, man.
It's deeper than you think.
Why can't people be honest
right from the start?
If you have to lie to keep the relationship
goin', then what is the point, okay?
- Save yourself the tears.
- You've had a rough time of it lately.
- It's time to... get back in the saddle.
- Paul, you're his old man. Say something.
- Alan will know when the time is right.
- Thank you.
Maybe stop tellin' 'em
you live with your dad.
What am I gonna do?
Put a table cloth over ya?
Most women expect
a few white lies at the start.
- Here we go.
- Here's the bottom line:
no girl wants a basket of your dirty
underwear on the first date date
and if they do, it's only because
their knickers are even scuzzier than yours
and you do not want to go down
that spiral, my friend.
The night is young, you know?
Let's see what happens.
Good luck.
- So, how's the day looking?
- Busy enough.
They rang in with one free room.
A couple of others around, but not many.
Brilliant. Remind me again
what our job is?
We love Dublin.
Thanks, mum.
- Morning, Beatrice.
- Morning, darling.
- Doesn't he work in the pharmacy?
- He gives me discount on nicotine patches.
Next.
- City centre?
- No!
- Grafton Street?
- No!
It just kept raining 24 hours a day!
How do you do anything here?
And the price of your sandwiches!
Where do I begin?
I'm sure I went to school with you.
- Your name's Alan, right?
- Yeah.
So, for kids?
Next.
How about I just write down
Bono's address?
- Croke Park?
- No.
- Departures.
- Yes!
- Upstairs.
- Gracias!
Meant to say, I think there's something
over there for ya. Just arrived.
Just a bit of fun.
Yeah, yeah, it's...
You had me fooled there for a second.
So?
I go for dinner with this guy
the other night.
- The pharmacy guy?
- Oh, please!
No, this guy, he shows me
a picture of his car on his phone.
It's a 1.9 litre Mazda.
It's a 1.9 litre Mazda!
What is wrong with men here?
Mam.
You Irish are fucked up.
Jesus Christ.
I need an ATM machine.
Sure, yeah,
it's just across the hall there.
I need a room.
Any kind of room. I don't mind.
- I can't see it.
- It's right there.
Where? I can only see a shop over there.
Are you saying it's in the shop?
Should I ask them where it is?
Next.
Am I talking to myself?
Where is it? Where?
There. Right there.
I think my colleague
might be able to help you.
Okay.
Hey!
Hey!
So you didn't totally disappear
off the planet, then?
- Still here.
- You always said Ireland was small.
Yeah, I did warn ya.
- We should probably hug or something.
- Yeah, don't mind.
Okay.
- Are we hugging?
- Sorry. I thought you didn't want to.
- Definitely. Or whatever.
- Okay.
You're more hands on than the Paris
tourist office, I'll give you that.
I've just got to run down
to the bank before lunch.
There was a message for ya.
Thanks.
So... Paris? Did you say Paris?
- Job interview there.
- Cool.
If I get it.
And you work here?
- Yeah, it's grand, you know.
- Where's the toilets?
They're right over there.
Just down there.
That's great. You're doing well.
What are you doing here?
We had an electrical problem en route.
So the plane had to land here.
I'm on standby for a flight tonight
or tomorrow, but I need a room.
- Do you guys do that here?
- Just say the word.
Christ! Sorry!
Flynn's Hotel. They have a room.
It's here.
Don't... It's... I can...
Nah. Nah.
Thanks.
Next.
I should get out of your way.
- Happy Valentine's Day.
- You too.
So you do what to this girl?
We worked together about eight years ago.
I was on a student visa in the States.
You love her?
There was talk of me staying,
maybe getting hitched.
Married.
Do you have to do this
with every girl you met?
It was for a Green Card
to keep me working there.
- You were going to pay to marry her?
- Why the hell would I do that?
Jesus Christ! Your English is shit!
Be fucking clearer?
We wanted to keep things going between us,
you know. See if we had something.
- The Green Card was her idea.
- And you fucked it up?
Why do you think it was me
that fucked it up?
It's 50/50.
More than likely, it's you, no?
We were both twenty. Okay? Very twenty.
- What does it matter now anyway?
- Maybe this is a second chance.
It could be fate.
- You always say you don't believe in fate.
- Yes, because I have thought about it a lot.
You? You could definitely
believe in this bullshit.
Look, it's not like I haven't been able
to stop thinking about her all these years.
I have. I just haven't been able
to forget her either.
And she is somewhere
out there right now.
I didn't exactly leave things
on the best of terms back in the day.
You should've brought her to your place.
Who know what happens?
She's probably got a boyfriend anyway.
- You're so stuck in your pants!
- I'm not stuck in my pants.
Every day you're closer to dying alone with
nothing but a blanket of shit around you.
- A blanket of...
- A blanket of shit, Alan!
That's great. Lovely thing to say to me.
- How's the head?
- Grand.
Hola, Beatrice.
I was thinking about our gig last night.
Maybe we need a new band photo.
What's wrong with the one we have?
Well, I just think we've moved on
from our hillbilly goth phase.
True. Talking of changes...
maybe it's time we started
playing weddings.
You want our band to play Sting, is that
what you want? Fields of fuckin' Gold!
Come on, man, it's been over a year now.
It's not about that. If we go down that road,
there's no more real gigs left.
And you know that, right?
Is that what you want?
We could all do
with a bit of extra dough.
I've been trying to finish the jacks
in me gaff for the last 12 months.
I don't mind,
but Deirdre's getting tired of the
neighbours watching her do her business.
My sister's got us an easy gig.
It's a grand each.
- I'm not playing weddings.
- I can't hear a word you're saying, man!
- Look, you think about it, yeah?
- I'm not...
I'm not playing...
Thanks very much. Bye.
- Hey!
- Hi!
What are you doin' here?
Well, I just couldn't get
that Post-it out of my mind.
Plus it looks like I might get out of here
tonight which would be amazing.
Cool. Well, that's a shame.
I could've shown you around town
a bit if you were staying longer.
- Guess it wasn't meant to be.
- Yeah.
I mean, I don't suppose...
if you want... maybe stay?
What's an evening?
Get a flight tomorrow.
Well, that's a little presumptuous.
I mean...
how do you know
I don't have responsibilities?
Oh, do you?
Nothing comes to mind.
I think I owe you a night out.
No funny business, I promise.
- Then I'm definitely going home.
- Hi, can I help you?
Hi. I'm on standby
for a flight to New York.
I was told I might be able
to get out tonight.
Okay, I'll check for you now.
No, sorry, best we can do
is tomorrow morning.
If you had a summer romance
with someone eight years ago
and they wanted you to stay
an extra night to catch up,
would you do it?
- And no funny business?
- No.
Like nothing?
Well, I can.
- Can he?
- A while ago, maybe.
- Yeah. Life's short. Why not?
- Thanks.
Sure there's no other flights?
I'm kidding.
Or if you slip me 10 euro, I can
get you on a first class seat tonight.
- What?
- I'm kidding also.
Alright.
Bye.
Just so you know, I live with my dad.
I know it's not a big deal, but...
Who doesn't live
with their folks these days?
- You do?
- No! No!
I didn't... I didn't mean...
That sounded like I...
- Fine. It's fine.
- I just...
A lot of my friends ended up in houses
they couldn't pay for and...
- had to move back home.
- Right.
It's just... It's super common,
that's what I'm saying.
You're right. It's all around, you know.
Well, this... definitely...
a temporary thing.
The...
- Living with my dad.
- Oh, right!
- Call it.
- You just say, 'Call'.
- Then call me.
- You want me to ring ya?
You know what I mean!
Here's the man with the plan.
- Alright, Alan?
- Howya, lads.
That's not all he's got.
- This is Alice.
- Hey, guys!
It's alright. She's American.
Okay.
Okay, well, I'll just show you
to your quarters.
There's beers in the fridge
if you want them.
- Okay, great.
- Won't be there for long though!
Fiver says he blows it.
- Some kind of poker night out there?
- Divorced men's support group.
They mainly play poker.
- I'll sleep on the couch.
- Okay.
Great.
No way! You still play barefoot?
I never play barefoot.
I remember your whole sensitive
musician schtick you had going on.
I bet there's not a single Depeche Mode
track among all these records.
If you're gonna love a band, it has to be
based around more than one or two singles.
One or two?
- So it's been...
- Eight years.
Our twenties.
Yeah. How was it for you?
I was on high terror alert
for most of it.
Mainly because some of my friends decided
they had to have babies, like, right know,
- which freaked me out.
- Right.
What about you?
No babies, but it's definitely
had its moments.
Oh, is there somewhere
I could charge this? I just...
I'm supposed to hear about the job.
I don't want to miss the call.
Yeah, sure.
That's the main character.
His name is Victor.
The writer's this French guy, and they
want somebody to illustrate the books.
I'm one of the last two up for the gig.
Could be a big break, finally.
So, what's the story with Victor?
He's one of these kids
that reads everything.
So this mysterious mobile library
comes to his town
and they tell him there's one book left
that he hasn't read,
but that he's not allowed.
So he steals the book and it turns out
that it's a biography of his own life
from the future where he's basically
the most hated man in the world.
That's a bit rough.
And so he's got to try and avoid
this destiny and shape a new one, but...
it turns out it's easier said than done.
That's him fighting the forces of fate.
There's also a seagull named Charles,
who helps him out.
It's basically Harry Potter
but with wine bars.
So what happens in the end?
Not for another ten books.
This is just showing what else I can do.
Life drawings.
This is my apartment.
He just happened to be there?
That's Brian. We're seeing each other.
- He's a lawyer.
- Clearly.
He's actually quite shy.
Oh, right. Not the talkative,
naked lawyer type?
Well, you seem to have it all
figured out, Alice.
You have a girlfriend?
Yeah.
Good for you. What's she like?
Good, grand.
I could draw you some detailed
matchstick figures of her if you like.
That's alright. Wait a second.
You guys don't have some romantic evening
planned? I don't want to crash anything.
No, we don't really celebrate
Valentine's Day.
But you give each other cards?
Yeah. That's just a bit of fun.
- Maybe this was a bad idea.
- No.
No, no, no, no, it's cool. I will give her
a call to see if she's around.
And... you know, we can hook up.
- You're sure?
- Absolutely, yeah.
Okay. I'll just...
I guess I'll just change.
Okay, grand.
Hey, Alan.
It's really good to see you again.
Yeah, you too.
I panicked. Alright?
No, no, no, this is what happens
when I put myself in this kind of situation.
I need your help.
Forty Euros, a meal
and a taxi fare home.
And all the cigarettes
that you can smoke.
Thanks. Thank you.
- Here, moneybags!
- What do you want?
Change in fifties.
Here, grab us one of mine, will ya?
Yep.
Who's the bird?
They can't keep their hands
off me, you know.
- Since when?
- Since forever.
Who is she?
We worked together a few
summers ago in Martha's Vineyard.
She's only here for a couple of hours.
Her flight's in the morning.
All part of the service now, is it?
- Beers in the fridge.
- Oh, thanks, cool.
Would you fuckin' stop!
Alright?
So Alan tells me you guys
get together and stuff?
All you have to do is get married
and divorced to join us, Alice.
Is that all?
I'm gonna change out of these things.
I'll just be a sec.
Okay. Got room for another?
- Sure. But we only play for real money.
- That's a shame. I only have Euros.
A euro and you're in.
Do you guys ever think
about getting remarried?
No!
We've had enough of lies, Alice.
I'm sure men lie just as much
as women do. That's my opinion.
Check.
Check.
Raise.
- I'm out.
- I'm gonna stay for five.
I'll go along.
In my experience, Alice,
men lie because they have to.
Women lie because they can.
A guy once lied to me
and told me his mother was dying
just so he could put his hand up
my sweater. I mean...
that's pretty messed up, but I'm sure
you guys can all beat that, right?
My wife handpicked
our wedding photographer.
She said he was the best, and he was.
Because when he sent me
the wrong photographs,
I could see that they were
handpicking each other.
- It's true.
- Raise you five.
I'm out.
This girl I once knew, her boyfriend
secretly filmed them having sex.
And then, when they broke up,
he accidentally but yet anonymously
sent it to everybody
that she works with.
That being a sixth grade class
that she teaches.
All in.
Well, I'll... call.
With a full house of kings and aces.
- A straight flush beats a house.
- Unbelievable.
Hey, don't feel bad. Whenever there's
a winner, there's gotta be a loser.
I found my wife in bed with a man
dressed in a Wombles suit
while another man in a Barney outfit
stood above them taking a shit.
Alright? Ready to go?
I think so, yeah.
It was really nice to meet all of you.
- You too.
- Yeah, good luck.
- Did you play?
- Yes.
- Win?
- I don't know.
- Cheerio.
- Bye now.
So what did you think
when you saw me at the airport?
I thought,
'She's really let herself go.'
Speak for yourself.
No, I guess I thought...
that it was a shame
that we didn't keep in touch.
Well, if you had stayed
and accepted my proposal?
That was...
a mad idea.
I was just trying to get you
a Green Card.
I know...
but I still had another year in college.
- The sensible decision.
- Yeah. Hard to argue against it.
And then you got that super
awesome internship.
Yeah.
I always intended to come back.
It's cool. It was just
a summer thing. Right?
Right.
Far be it from me to pull you away
from your simple thatch cottage
- to the big city.
- Yeah.
You probably didn't even
own shoes, did you?
- Who can afford them?
- Just a bunch of freckles and a dream.
- And my fighting skills.
- Yeah.
How can you make a living without those?
- It was... it was just an idea.
- Yeah.
Chalk it up to a wild youth.
Think of that tattoo
that you never ended up getting.
- Here we go.
- The job?
Hi, Vicky.
Oh, it's kind of hard to hear you.
Hang on a second.
Hey! Sorry. Yeah. Right.
Okay.
Not close enough?
For someone who doesn't believe in lies,
you're really sticking your toe in.
I know. Just be cool.
Okay. Like you?
The opposite of me.
If I was cool, I wouldn't be doing this.
Where is she?
She just got the job of her dreams.
I love it when good things
happen to beautiful people.
Well, thanks for the opportunity.
Okay, bye.
- Maybe I should tell her the truth.
- This will kick the ass.
- So what if I don't have a girlfriend?
- I'm here. We're fucking doing this!
- This is a bad idea.
- No.
- Yeah. I'll just...
- No. No!
You're a dirty liar now
just like the rest of us. Okay?
I was thinking we should plan
a nice trip.
I was thinking we should go away.
The wine's not very bad.
Two bottles, please.
So you guys work together?
That's gotta be interesting.
It has its moments.
It is hard to control ourselves.
The relationship is very physical.
Yeah.
- How long was it before you...
- Became lovers?
Sure.
- It was, it was pretty soon, yeah.
- It was at a David Bowie concert.
Well, not David Bowie,
but someone who look like him.
What was their name? You know?
The name of the band that was not him?
- Diamond Dogs.
- Yes, the Dogs.
Well... We went just as friends.
The David Bowie man,
he sings 'Life on Mars'
and the crowd, it surge forward,
pressing our bodies together.
And as David sing, we look
into each others' eyes as one.
And then we kissed.
Brilliant. It was a brilliant night.
- You're very good at this.
- Just to make her jealous.
Yeah, I got that when you compared me
to a fully inflamed stallion.
It's Valentine's. The least I can do
is pretend we are fucking.
By the time I am finished,
she will be dying to be with you.
Look, it's not gonna happen.
She's got a boyfriend.
The guy who Wendy left you for.
He must have done this, no?
- Exactly.
- But it seemed to work for him.
I'm not gonna be like the guy
who ran off with my fiance.
Maybe if you were,
you would not be here.
- Who knows?
- This is obvious, Alan.
Weren't you doing finance? I thought you
were going to be the next Gekko the Great.
Just what the world needs.
The bank is a pool of rats.
He told them to shove it up their asses.
No, no, no, music is Alan's passion.
You quit your job?
Yeah, yeah.
I told them where to stick it.
Aren't you full of surprises.
- What is it you said?
- What?
You know, after you leave?
- Remind me again.
- That's it.
He said to me, 'Beatrice, we must live
in the moment. Not in fucking suits.'
That's cool. You know, I...
I had this consultant gig for a little while,
and it was a pretty sweet deal,
but it just didn't do it for me. You know?
Yeah, right, totally.
And that's it, just like that,
never going back.
I mean, why would you, right?
If we had formed a band,
what would we have played?
- I don't know. Johnny Cash?
- I love Hank Williams.
Since when?
Last couple of years. Why?
You don't think he'd be on my playlist?
No, I'm happy he is,
but I'm pretty sure I played you some
back in the day and you weren't that keen.
I think I'd remember if you did.
- Let's agree to disagree on that one.
- Just that one?
Alan, could I speak to you
for just one second?
It's alright. I was just about
to go to the restroom.
- What's the problem?
- I've met someone.
- You were in the bathroom for two minutes.
- I was coming out, he was going in.
Our eyes, they meet.
Alan, I must leave with him now.
In what universe do you think
this is appropriate...
- I cannot help it!
- Billions of guys out there.
Can't you just let one walk by
with his pants still on?
Alan, this might be love.
You don't want to spend
the rest of your life
with someone you met
outside a toilet, do you?
Buena sera.
Well... well...
- Go on.
- Have fun.
Great.
Hi. Beatrice had to help out a flatmate.
They lost their key,
and they called Beatrice.
She's really sorry she didn't get to say
goodbye. She's really, really sorry.
Alan...
I'm between girlfriends at the minute.
So she...
No.
So...
Why?
Would you like to order
some coffee or dessert?
I think we'll just take the check.
Look, okay, I didn't quit my job.
I was fired.
Any more lies you'd like to clear up?
A couple of months before that,
I was stood up at the altar.
- You were going to be married?
- Yeah.
- You?
- Yeah.
- To a real person?
- Yes, a real person. Wendy.
Wendy.
What?
Nothing. I'm just surprised.
- That I met someone else?
- Sure.
Well, Wendy turned out to be
a lucky escape.
I don't know what I was thinking.
- Once bitten, though...
- It still doesn't explain the fake girlfriend.
Look, okay, I promised you...
that if you ever came here,
I'd give you a great night.
I just wanna make good on that.
If you'll let me.
- 100% honesty.
- Trust me, 100% is impossible.
Well, as close to.
You can ask me anything.
Like first gig, first crush.
- Last time I whacked off.
- Sure.
- What?
- That last one.
Fine.
Last week.
I was on my own
in the apartment for once.
There was a film on the telly.
I had a couple of beers
and one thing led to another.
I'm not proud of it, but there you go.
Who was it?
Helen Mirren.
In 'The Queen'.
You're a fan of the Royal Family?
In the drunken scenario I came up with...
I was doing it for my country.
- Is that enough truth for one night?
- I think we're just getting started.
So you've just completely
taken yourself out of the game?
You could say I'm keeping
the bench warm or something like that.
Maybe you should think
about switching teams.
- Probably wouldn't hurt.
- Maybe initially, but you'd get used to it.
I guess I just haven't met anyone
who's ticked all the boxes.
- I gave up ticking boxes a long time ago.
- Really?
You just need to accept
that love is a lottery.
Well, I don't like those odds.
Well... tough shit.
So is this all people do in Dublin?
There's not that much to do
in the evenings.
Maybe in the summertime...
There must be something.
Play a few games of pool.
- Get a kebab?
- I thought you were a tourist advisor.
We usually advise them
to go somewhere else.
Okay.
Let me think.
Do what you did yesterday
Go on repeating
'Cause my heart's only on fire
When you are the teacher
You take the torch and I
Follow the leader.
You'd be my master
And I'll be your fever
You told me your past
was taken by thieves
Since then you've been running
In search of reliefs
You don't know when it's coming
I don't know either
Nice.
Dad worked here for a while.
We'd have lunch up here sometimes.
If you don't mind me saying so,
he seems to have some...
interesting views on women.
Well, sometimes they don't turn out
the way you hoped, you know?
Women or parents?
Just parents.
They're not meant to be unpredictable.
Okay.
Your folks will be delighted
about the news.
Well, unfortunately...
High security.
- Oh, crap!
- What?
I'm sure someone will be up in a minute.
Hello? Is there anyone there?
Try calling the desk again.
We're on the roof of a hotel.
Well, you know, someone has to hear us.
Can't believe I'm gonna get
double pneumonia for this!
You said the view was nice.
I was being polite. I've already seen two...
three people throwing up down there!
Okay.
I can really see why
you wanted to stay here.
Yeah, yeah. I was really hoping
to live it up here on the roof.
If I still need to say sorry
about the whole Green Card thing...
I think you're overestimating
your impact.
Alright.
There was nothing stopping you
from coming here.
You knew how I felt about you.
- Jesus!
- All right, that's it!
I'm done freezing my ass off out here.
- Get out of the way.
- What are you doin'?
- Get out of the way, Alan.
- Not before...
I knew exactly how you felt about me.
And that's what pissed me off the most.
You should see our summers.
Help!
- Did you hear somebody?
- My eardrums are full of water.
Please! Someone!
Hello?
Help him, please!
Something's gone down the wrong way!
- He's choking.
- Okay, don't worry, here we go.
One, two, three!
Thank you.
- Thank God!
- Oh, I was almost a goner!
I'm sure you've got plenty
of life still left in you!
If there's anything we can do for you.
I just don't know how we can thank you.
- We're grand.
- Oh, please. There must be something.
You wouldn't have
any dry clothes, would you?
We just popped up to drop
our things off, but...
the moment got the better of us
if you know what I mean.
- Well, thanks for these.
- Oh, no. Keep it. It's missing a button.
- You'll have to join us.
- We insist.
- Okay, yeah.
- Wonderful.
- Could you just give us a moment?
- Okay.
Don't take too long.
What are you doin'?
I think they're super sweet
and we should stay.
I'm really not up
for this kind of thing.
Come on. What, are you never gonna go to
another wedding for the rest of your life?
Do you not think they're creepy?
I thought this was my night.
Well, I mean, is it or isn't it?
This is so awesome.
It's like something out of 'Cocoon'.
Are you related
to the bride or the groom?
No. We just borrowed their clothes.
We're going to end up
on a spacecraft full of piss!
I've known Barbara for sixty years.
Yes, sixty years.
We were friends at first. Then life
took us in different directions.
We met wonderful partners and had
a wonderful married life with them.
We assumed we'd had our turn at love.
But then, all these years later...
we found each other again.
Oh, how lucky we are.
How very lucky indeed.
So I would ask you to raise your glasses
and toast to my beautiful wife, Barbara.
To Barbara!
I know it's short notice, but I just wanna
give her the best night I can.
No, it has to be tonight.
Just tell her you'll have sex tomorrow.
If you do it, so will Cian.
Look, there must be a place
we can play. Anywhere.
No, Dad's not working tonight.
Okay, you guys wanna play
weddings, right?
Help me out here and I'll play wherever
and whatever you want.
Even 'Fields of Gold'.
Brilliant. Brilliant.
Brilliant, thanks, Jimi.
You got a camera?
Are you getting them?
Yeah.
It's a keeper, alright.
So I never asked you how Paris was.
It was incredibly romantic
in a very depressing way.
Well, at least Dublin is depressing
for the right reasons.
Brian was supposed to come with me,
but he had to cancel at the last minute.
- Work?
- Yeah, he had this golf thing.
He cancelled a trip
to Paris with you for golf?
Some big client was in town, and he was
put in charge of showing him a good time.
Can't really say no.
It's how you make partner.
So do yous live together?
No. He lives with friends.
College buddies.
One year. My longest relationship.
We mostly see each other on weekends.
Right.
So when you say you're going out a year,
actually being in the same room...
A year of weekends, I guess.
Which adds up to?
A hundred days. Maybe less.
We had a whole summer together.
So that's nearly four months.
- Every day.
- Working, living...
We didn't live together.
Oh, well. We might as well have.
Are you still technically
my longest relationship?
Yeah.
Damn it.
One more for the road?
This road is getting longer
all the time.
She has a boyfriend. We're just mates.
Try and enjoy the night
like some kind of drunk eunuch.
Thanks.
What are you doing?
Oh, come on. I thought it would be
a pity to leave here without a dance.
Oh, come on.
We shouldn't.
Yeah, you're right. I didn't mean...
Maybe we should just go.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry to you. I got a bit carried away.
- Don't worry about it. It's fine.
I mean, it's crazy, right?
It would never work.
- Right.
- I'm over here, you're over there.
And there's the small matter of me
having a boyfriend.
Of course. Yeah, right.
But if you didn't have a boyfriend,
would it really be that far out an idea?
Because you're the one?
I don't know. I'm trying to be 100% honest.
I thought that's what we agreed.
You want me to be honest?
I really like you.
And not in some meaningless
roll in the hay kind of way.
We had something one time,
but we're different people now.
I just thought we could have
this one really cool night in Dublin,
and we could get away from stuff
and, you know, have fun. But I...
Maybe that's not possible.
Oh, for God's sake!
What is it?
Look, let's not leave it like this.
At the very least, we were having
an interesting night before I got stupid.
One more drink?
- Fine, if you'll get me a taxi.
- I promise you won't be disappointed.
- Okay.
- I think.
Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes
The pipes are calling
From glen to glen
and down the mountainside.
- Is this your regular hangout?
- You're one place as good as the next.
We passed, like, 50 bars
on the way here.
I think you're taking my advice
about switching teams to heart.
Listen, I'll be back in a sec.
Man, if I'm not back in 30 minutes,
my relationship is over.
I owe you big time.
Actually you owe Julie,
that tasty morsel at the bar.
She got us in at the last minute.
- Did you get the bass?
- They not here?
- Been here long?
- What?
- Been here long?
- Five minutes.
- Did someone...
- No, we brought our own glow sticks.
Will you stay for a pint?
My shout.
Grand.
Okay, and now for our final
last minute competitors
for the 'Talent Trophy'...
bringing the fifties back to life
without the use of Viagra,
please welcome 'The Nightlinks'.
Hi, everyone. This is a little song
about love and all its temposity.
Sing it with us if you know the words.
I'm talking to you, Alice.
I've tried so hard, my dear,
to show that you're my every dream,
Yet you're afraid each thing I do
is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past
keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold, cold heart?
- No.
- Yes.
Another love before my time
made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is paying now
for things I didn't do
In anger, unkind words are said
that make the teardrops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold, cold heart?
I don't remember the lyrics.
You'll never know how much it hurts
to see you sit and cry
You know you need and want my love,
yet you're afraid to try
Why do you run and hide from life
To try it just ain't smart?
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold, cold heart?
There was a time when I believed
that you belonged to me,
But now I know your heart
is shackled to a memory
The more I learn to care for you,
the more we drift apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
and melt your cold, cold heart?
- Well done, Alan!
- Well done, Alan!
There's always next week.
I'm not even gonna say it.
Look, we're your mates. We're gonna
support any decision you make here.
But if you don't dick this girl,
you're lettin' us all down.
- Lads...
- For the record,
I disagree with using 'dick' as a verb,
but I think the sentiment is about right.
It's not just me you're lettin' down.
Not just me or your Da or Jimi.
I don't mind. I can take the blows.
Now is not the time
to be a cuddly hobbit,
singing weak ass songs about how
ginger ale makes your tummy feel all funny.
Now, my friend, is the time
to sex panther the shit out of this.
- What are you talking about? I've...
- What?
I'm not taking advice
from you ever again.
You always say the best way to get
a girl is to walk away from them.
- Yeah, make them come to you.
- That's a classic move in fairness.
Four years in college,
they never followed.
Jesus! I have fallen arches?
Who's going to follow someone
with corrective footwear?
I mean, at least I had an excuse.
What's yours?
I made a move. It didn't happen.
And she's got a boyfriend. End of story.
It's a great show, guys.
We'll take care of this stuff.
- Thanks, Dad.
- See you at home.
Good luck.
We were never here, right?
Lovely pint, though.
Are you sure we can't
convince you to join the band?
I'm just gonna have to be
an honorary member.
Well, this has been great, you know?
Really has. You're...
- Did I say something wrong?
- That's just something he does.
Right, I'm off.
I'm gonna have to break out the emergency
choccies to smooth this one over.
Be good.
- Another boring night in Dublin.
- Same old, same old.
- So I guess you were right.
- About what?
Hank Williams. That was the song
you played me, wasn't it?
I don't want to say I told you so.
Oh, my God.
You are absolutely covered in glitter!
- No, I'm not.
- You are.
Were you making out with one
of those drag queens or something?
Best I ever got.
Hey, that was so great.
Valentine's Day in a gay bar. Drama!
- You were brilliant too.
- Thanks.
Cool. So... what are you guys up to now?
'Cause there's a house party over in
the Northside, and it's going to be deadly.
- You've got your flight in the morning.
- Yeah, and it's past our bedtimes.
Jesus, how old are you guys?
So what are you guys studying?
Engineering.
That must be interesting.
Not really.
Well, you must be looking forward
to graduating then?
No. Not really.
No jobs.
Probably have to emigrate.
What did you say was in that again?
- What did you say was in that again?
- Hash.
It's strong. We don't usually get
hash back home. It's mostly grass.
Grass is class.
Good shit.
You definitely have to come to my 21st.
- You a nineties baby?
- You bet.
- What about you?
- '83.
- That's, like, pre-everything.
- Well, not everything.
So, what's the story with your woman?
Are you two, like, an item or...
Yeah, actually we are.
We're just on a little break at the moment.
For how long?
Eight years.
What? He do the dirt
on you or something?
- Totally.
- She's joking.
Yes, but you did convince me
that you were gonna come back,
which I believed
against my better judgment.
And then, you changed your mind
at the last second.
So you are mad that I didn't come back?
I'm not mad.
I think you want me to be mad.
Why would I want you to be mad?
I don't know.
Hey, I'm gonna go and be twenty
somewhere. So... good luck.
- Where's this coming from?
- Where's it coming...
Alan, if you're not happy
with where you are in life,
you should be doing something about it.
Well, it's easy for you to say, Alice.
You know, you seem to be doing okay.
Oh, really? What's French
for 'We don't like your drawings'?
What do you mean?
I didn't know what it was either
until tonight.
You must think I'm such a fucking idiot.
No, not at all.
God, we look so fucking stupid.
I think your drawings are great, Alice.
I've had two.
- Two?
- Two.
- Two what?
- Jobs. Drawing in 18 months.
And now I'm... I'm...
I'm fucked!
You okay?
Bazzer, it's the guards!
Hide the feckin' yokes!
- Oh, my God!
- Where are you goin'?
Alice!
Alan, I have a plane to catch in the morning.
I'm not spending the night in jail.
Jail? We don't get blamed
for anything here.
It's not safe!
I think that stuff's making you
a little bit paranoid.
- What the fuck?
- She's freaking out. The cops are here.
- What?
- What if I fail a drug test?
What are Irish prisons like? I've never
even seen one, not on TV or anything!
Why is that? Is there something...
Do they make you do Irish dancing
and shit? Because I can't dance!
I can't dance at all!
What are you people hiding?
- Hey! Calm down!
- I am calm!
Do you trust me?
One, two, three.
Maybe show a bit of leg?
Yeah. I could flash out a man boob,
but it might cause an accident.
We'll get home eventually.
If it's any consolation about the job...
I'm pretty sure now is the best time
for things not to work out.
You think?
Who wants to be dealing
with this crap in their forties?
I mean,
you're forty...
which has its own problems.
I've been stood up at the altar.
Epic fail.
I was devastated,
but that is so much better than trying
to break up 20 years later.
And arguing over who owns
which Lonnie Donegan album.
He's great.
Yeah.
I should've known Wendy wasn't a keeper.
We picked the best time
to fuck this shit up is what I mean.
Right.
I guess a part of me always thought
that maybe you just met someone else,
and the internship thing
was just a cover.
I was just really scared.
My family was here. My friends.
My... career.
Probably another year...
before I even... thought of anyone else.
Same here.
Have you seen you?
I'm not saying I haven't made up for it.
We learn nothing from success.
- To failure.
- Absolutely.
- Is this tour of Dublin over?
- If you want.
And if I don't?
I know just the place.
- Have you got enough?
- Yeah. Just about. You?
Yeah, grand.
Can't believe you've never heard
of one of these before.
Yeah, well, we've had electricity
for a while. So...
- Jesus!
- Is it too hot?
Your feet are like ice!
Sorry.
Good night.
Yeah, sleep tight.
Why is it ribbed?
It just is.
My Granny's one was the same.
It seems like a lot of trouble
for a bottle.
Alan.
Alice! Alice, what time's your flight?
What time's your flight?
- What?
- What time's your flight?
Oh, fuck!
Well, I guess we should be used
to saying goodbye at this stage.
Yeah.
- Let's stay in touch, though, this time.
- Definitely.
- What's her name?
- Alice Rothmayer.
- 'Roth' what?
- Rothmayer.
Okay, I've got you a seat,
but you really need to go now.
And no more funny business.
Thanks.
- Well, I guess this is it.
- Yeah.
Take care of yourself.
You too.
You forgot your passport.
You have to go now.
- I can bring you through.
- Okay, thanks.
- Take the jacket.
- No, no, keep it. It's not even mine.
- You really need to go now.
- Okay.
Alice.
Thanks for a great night.
It's what I'm here for.
You know, the first date I ever had
with your dad was such a disaster.
All he could talk about was his dog.
A couple of day later, he rings. I tell him,
'I don't think I can do another dog evening.'
He asked me to give him another chance.
We met up a week later.
Now, he'd spotted some books
I had in my bag before.
So in that week, he'd gone out
and bought them and read them.
I don't think we talked about dogs once.
Well, maybe once.
You can never tell how anything's
going to turn out. Nobody knows.
But a good memory is worth something.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Oh, shit!
I'm so proud of you, kiddo.
Why? I only ever mess things up.
You lose when you stop trying.
Fuck it.
- You go home and get some rest.
- No, it's alright. It's busy.
That's an order.
Are you getting them?
Yeah.
It's a keeper, alright.
Final call on Aer Lingus
flight EI105 to New York.
This flight is now closing
through Gate 410.
Here's the great romancer.
You guys not working today?
Couldn't possibly face work
after that shite last night.
Actually, there's still
some beers in the fridge.
Bring us one of mine, would ya?
Did Alice get off okay?
Yeah.
That's not one of mine.
You know the beer I like.
- Jeez, would you look at yourself?
- What?
Look, not all women out there are trying
to screw you over every time, okay?
Some of them, maybe,
but there are lots of nice ones.
Once bitten, twice shy.
Joe, your wife left ya
because you're the kind of guy
that can fart his favourite TV theme tune,
and somewhere along the line,
that wasn't good enough for her.
Now, I'm sorry, but it's true.
Look, it's all painful, but if you're not in,
you can't win. You gotta take a chance.
You can't just give up.
A bit harsh.
- What are you doin'?
- What does it look like I'm doin'?
- Alan, this is crazy.
- Yeah, I know.
- What if she's a looper?
- Then I'll have a story to tell.
It's a long way to go.
I'll let you know how it got on.
Sorry, Joe, again.
It was the theme tune from 'Frasier'.
It's not easy to fart
'tossed salad and scrambled eggs'.
- Here, take some money.
- Dad, you've given me enough.
Think of it as relationship insurance.
There's always a room for you here.
I hope it works out for ya.
I have to go back.
I don't have to stay here.