God, check out those pins.
Oh, shit. Have we started? Right.
Erm... Once upon a time,
there were a 17-year-old girl
who, even after staying
out all night, were drop-dead fit.
That girl was moi.
One Debbie Robinson.
Sixth form student
and undiscovered fashion designer
with a sideline in erotic novels.
Currently penning my latest
offering, The Spaniard Barman.
Having just spent
the night with one.
And this is Stanley Park.
The centre of my Croydon life.
Here I'd lost my virginity
on the swings and my
dignity under the slide.
But there were greater losses
to come in this story.
And where Stanley Park
was my playground,
Stanley Place was my catwalk.
For t'were true,
my eyegrabbing dresses
always put me in't spotlight.
Cos not bein' up meself,
but they are bloody gorgeous!
See? Told you so.
But do bear in mind,
it takes someone like me
to pull off a dress like this.
The neighbours love it.
It's like witnessing
a sexual tsunami.
God, Rob. Take a picture,
it might last longer.
Poor Julie, though.
It's the wives I feel sorry for.
That's their son, checking me out.
All right, gorgeous?
And that there were an
invitation into his pants.
I'd have taken out
a mortgage to live in those.
Cruel!
He were one hot bastard.
And there's his brother - Lee.
You can't see that low, but he's
probably knockin' one out cos he's
got a thing for her. Raggedy Ann.
Hag to local fag, Bent Ben.
What you got?
High School Musical 3 Singstar with
microphones. It's not for me!
Look at them,
wishing they were me. Yeah, hiya!
They're both virgins.
Raggedy Ann's savin'
herself for Lee.
And Ben, well, he says he's
savin' himself for Penelope Cruz.
More like Tom Cruise.
And this is chez Debbie.
I came to live here with me
Auntie Pat three year ago.
From the moment I arrived,
I knew this place had trouble
written all over it.
Auntie Pat had independence,
wisdom and a lust for life.
A modern-day Aphrodite -
in Primark wet-look leggings.
We were like sisters.
Taking each other's reins.
That said, you can lead a horse to
water, but you can't stop it chain-
smokin' during aerobic exercise.
SHE COUGHS
You all right, Auntie Pat? You're
having a right cough-up in here.
I won't lie, I'm not great. Flu?
No. Superkings.
You're workin' out a lot lately.
Nothing to do with a certain singles
page left open on the internet?
I don't know what
you're talkin' about.
Come off it.
Darlin'...
I cruise the net, yeah?
Not for a relationship. For sex.
You know me. That's all I want.
Whether it's in the toilet
at the Harvester or a
cliff top near Beachy Head
or the wardrobes
of an Ikea showroom.
Which Harvester?
Oh, the retail park. Look, did I go
for a quattro formaggio last night
with a man I met on the internet?
Yes.
Did he have a comb-over and look
like a paedophile? Yes, again.
I walked out. He was too needy.
Big deal. So, what did you
get up to last night?
You didn't stay for breakfast?
No! I bolted as soon as I woke up
and realised he was spoonin' me.
Creep.
Anyway...
I've got my eyes on a much bigger
prize. Oh, yeah?
Anyone I know?
If I smoke and only eat
when I'm faint, I'm
bound to drop a dress size.
Harry, do you remember
Danielle's wedding?
Honestly, she looked like a pork
pie in a Barbie dress. Oh, lovely.
Ain't it a bit early for all this?
It's after lunch.
Drink the Lambrini.
It's a celebration.
Oh, Julie. When he ordered wine
last night, I should have known
he was going to propose.
Although technically I didn't.
Yes, you did. No, you said,
"Are we ever going to get married?"
I said, "I dunno, do you really
want to get married?"
Then you screamed and shouted yes and
everyone in Pizza Express applauded.
It was like a fairytale, Julie.
Yeah, well, your fairytale's
going to be a nightmare to pay for.
Only cos you're so tight.
Sadie, what did I buy you
for your birthday?
A Wii Fit. Does a tight person
buy his girlfriend a Wii Fit?
It's what you wrote in the card
that spoilt it.
A Wii Fit for someone who's
a wee fat. Who says that?
It was a joke.
Yeah, well funny. Mind you, not as
funny as the time when you cried
your eyes out at Danielle's wedding.
That was hay fever.
What you bringin' that up for?
You love weddings.
Don't pretend us getting married
hasn't been on your mind.
What are you, a fucking clairvoyant?
How do you know what's
been on my mind? Harry!
You can't take it back on a
technicality, Harry. It's not fair.
I thought you said what was
important is that we was together.
Yeah, together - in a church.
You said a registry office.
Well, I've changed my mind.
Because I want to be the one that
everyone looks at for a change.
What, like last Saturday
night when you stacked it
down the stairs in Yates?
I was drunk!
OK.
It's called
An Ode to Lindsay Lohan.
Are you ready?
I don't need no nightclubs,
seven nights a week
Or claiming I'm a dyke,
I'd rather be a freak
I'd rather get the bus
and dress up in me rags
Than befriending Paris Hilton,
or those random doggy slags.
Fierce!
It's dead current.
Right, my turn.
It's called the Spaniard Barman.
She touched his oily chest.
Her breath steamed over his olive
neck. It sounds like a cook book!
No, it doesn't.
He caressed her milky bosom.
'Ere, Debbie - Harry and Sadie
saw your Auntie Pat
out at dinner last night.
Looked like she was on a date.
Yeah, well, she wasn't interested.
He had a comb-over.
Accordin' to my brother, she
was shitfaced and he walked out
and left her with the bill.
Oh, piss off, Lee. As if.
I'm goin' up chippy.
Is anyone coming?
Oh, I see!
Like I want to be here anyway!
So, why didn't you poke me?
What!?
On Facebook. I poked you last
Thursday, you never poked me back.
I haven't even been online. Liar.
You wrote on Dirty Debbie's wall.
That was after I poked you
cos I see it on my news feed.
If you think I'm butters,
just say it.
I don't!
You're not even that fit. You're
only like a seven, not even a 10,
so why would I be bothered? Lee!
Yeah, that's my name. Sket.
Why are you being such a nob?
You are!
I don't get you.
I come up here with you all the time.
I listen to your feelin's
and how you were a bohemian poet
in your past life.
I was! How long's this been
goin' on? I mean, you only get
off with me when you're pissed.
Did anyone see that?
I don't care.
Ain't you got beautiful eyes?
Really?
Yeah. They're...
they're like a pond.
A pond?
I'm trying to be romantic.
No, no. That is quite romantic.
Yeah, I'm quite a
romantic person, actually. I like
cooking and hoovering.
You're like the perfect man.
Maybe.
My mum and dad are out
tonight with Harry and Sadie.
Celebrate their engagement. Oh yeah?
Yeah. Empty house.
Right. You could, like,
come over if you wanted?
Really?
If you want, like. Do you want me to?
Only if you do. Yeah, but, do you?
I don't care.
Well either you do or you
don't, Lee. Just make a decision.
Don't be a nob jockey!
You will be!
What?
Nothing.
God, we're so Sex In The City,
ain't we?
I'm like the Carrie Bradshaw
of Croydon.
Even though Raggy thinks she is.
And you, you're like
that Stanford Blatch.
You know, the bald gay one
with glasses. Oh, piss off.
You're so Samantha, anyway.
What, cos I can get anyone I want?
Not really like you're aiming
that high, though, is it?
Er. 'Scuse me.
I got winked at
by Harry Stevens this morning.
And he called me gorgeous.
I doubt that, sugartits.
Are you sayin' he's
out of my league? Um, yeah!
Well, you know who's out of
your league, Ben? Ken Dodd.
I'm sorry about earlier.
You know what I'm like. I'm just,
like, nervous.
No, I know. No, I mean it.
I am. And if you think I'm a
dick for sayin' it, I don't care.
I'm just not very...
Lee. It's OK. I'm nervous as well.
Does your mum know I'm over tonight?
I've got something for you.
Lee, who are you with? What?
No! I'm not a slut!
What!? I didn't say you were.
What? Aftershave!
Go away!
What? Are you with your mum? No!
I can hear laughing.
No, no. It's no-one.
I'm no-one now, am I? It's a girl.
Is that your girlfriend? Piss off.
Piss off!? Piss off!? Yeah.
No. What?
Oh, shit!
Lee, you know what, I don't know
who you're with, but forget it!
Prick!
You're such an idiot!
And while it looked like some people
weren't getting any tonight,
there was no way I wasn't.
I knew when Harry saw me, he'd
fill his pants for man milk.
But I were bothered.
Me Auntie Pat had lied about her
date with Comb-over to save face.
I felt sort of sorry for her.
But then I looked in the
mirror and felt better.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Come in.
Up, up.
Twirl. What a stunner.
You bring a tear to my eye.
Now. Whisky-wine medley.
Bit of dutch courage.
Who needs courage
when they've got two wonderbras
sewn into their dress?
They look like
Popeye's biceps, darlin.
Now, go on. Knock that back.
In one.
Raggy, it's Lee again.
Call me. Again.
There was definitely a girl,
I heard a girl.
Does this jumper
make me look slimmer?
You don't need to look slimmer.
I'm having a fat day.
Oh, FYI -
Harry's getting married.
What!? Oh, you didn't know?
OMG. Are you serious!?
Whatev's.
Tell someone who cares, yeah?
Oh, you so care.
I know everything
there is to know about you, Ben.
Who found the Barbies
under your bed?
They were Sindys.
And for your information, dear,
I have a girlfriend.
Ha! No you don't!
I do too, actually.
Elaine. Plain Elaine?
She's not plain, she's...hot.
And she's totally into me.
I'm playing the ice maiden at
the moment, but she so wants me.
Ever since I was nine, everyone's
been like, "Oh, Ben, you're gay,"
but you'll see.
One day you'll all be eating
your words when I'm completely
famous and can have anyone I want.
Like Kate Moss. I'd totally do her.
She is fabulous, so don't even
bother accusing me of being gay.
Ohmigod! Look!
That must be
who he was with earlier.
BELL RINGS
All right, Lee? Is your brother in?
No, Harry's out.
Oh. Will he be long?
I don't know.
Could be a while, to be honest.
Right. Well I'm in no rush, so...
That fugly skeeze.
But engaged!
It's so serious.
Debs, I'm not sure
you're his type anyway.
Why?
Because I'm a slag. You said it.
Well, consider this, am I a slag
or am I an Olympic gold medallist?
I don't follow.
Yeah. Cos sex is a sport, Lee.
It's good for your heart...
and the more you do it,
the better you get.
It's like anythin' in life.
You can't just get on a bike
and ride it.
You've got to practise first.
Yeah, we're not talkin'
about ridin' bikes.
We're talkin' about you bein' one.
You've never even done it.
Shut up!
Waitin' for the right person,
are we? Raggedy Ann.
No.
Big deal, first time, Lee.
What if you go soft on her?
Or worse - you can't even get it up?
As if that would ever happen.
Would that ever happen?
Yeah, it would.
That's why I'm going for gold
and you're just a runner-up.
Shall we teach you
how to go for gold, Lee?
Maybe they've been having
a torrid affair. Don't.
I bet she's waiting for Harry!
She thinks she's so coy,
but every step that skank takes,
I'm right there behind her.
Can this not be all about you?
Don't even get up
in my face, girlfriend.
No, you are so self-centred.
Bitch, get yourself a one
way ticket to China, yeah?
No, Ben. It's like on Twitter
I'm following you and and
you're still not following me.
I mean, what's that all about?
I can't follow all my followers,
can I?
How would that look?
That's basically just Facebook.
You're following Debbie! Despite
how you bitch about her. So do you.
That's not the point.
God, you're seriously
on your rag, Raggy.
I think I should leave you to it.
Yeah, maybe you should.
Maybe you should go home and get a
hard-on watching Gay School Musical.
I told you that
in the strictest of confidence.
And it was because
of Vanessa, not Zac.
Keep telling yourself that!
I don't have to take this.
Ciao, Raggy.
What!?
It's French. It means goodbye!
Girls like sophistication, Lee.
Cosmopolitans and canapes.
I've got some left-over Lambrini.
Fine. Fill me up then.
Don't suppose there's
any canapes either?
I've got, like, crisps?
Chargrilled chicken crinkles.
You're hardly gettin'
me sensual rivers flowin' here, Lee.
I'll show you how it's done.
Do you know, I don't feel very full.
I should have had
the Sloppy Giuseppe.
Forget Giuseppe.
I'll fill you up later.
Do you know...
that is definitely my
favourite Pizza Express now.
It's so weird going back there.
What? The scene of the crime?
They sat in the kitchen,
in the hum of the night.
He looked at her suspiciously
on several occasions.
As he felt her electric touch,
she could sense his phallus
from a mile off,
ticking like a grandfather clock.
As the moon shone
through patio doors,
she could feel the ache
of her loins,
which were pressed against his back.
Oops.
Should I collect that?
It's very hot down there.
That was a good story.
I really liked it.
I'm from a very
illiterate family, Lee.
So, what happens next?
Did you know I can give a lad
an erection
just by lookin' at it?
Relax!
I know the sensual experience
is frightening,
but there's nothing better than
when two bodies collide together.
Especially when
one of those bodies is mine
because I do get quite
a lot of good feedback.
Yeah? Yeah.
If it were, like, marks out of 10,
I'd be nine and a half.
But with age comes experience
so by the time I'm 20,
(I'd be more like 12.)
Out of 10?
Is that a problem?
He's double locked it.
Lee!
Try round the back, sweetheart.
Can I get one out? He's an idiot.
He's a muppet.
Oh, good.
Oh, what? Oh, my...
Oh, you dirty bastards! I've just
had that table varnished.
I just saw his sex face.
Is she eating my
chargrilled chicken crinkles?
At least someone's getting some.
About time.
Right, I'm off.
You wait, you come back here.
Oi! Oi, you rotten little trollop.
Come back here.
I'm not done with you yet.
Mum, keep your voice down.
People will hear.
Oh, I'm sorry - did you not want
people to know!?
Come on, Julie.
Let's take it inside.
What, like she just did?
No, Rob. They should have at
least locked the back door.
I've just had a bowl of carbonara.
Come on, sweetheart.
It was just a shag.
Not on my newly
varnished kitchen table.
That is a place to eat dinner.
Not to shag a dog's dinner.
Oh, excuse me!
I like how it's all right for your
sons to act like Casablanca, but I
get painted as the scarlet woman.
Lee was quite happy to have a go and
I wouldn't have been round here
if your Harry hadn't have
winked at me this morning
and called me gorgeous.
She's right, Mum. It's not her fault.
We just got caught up in the moment.
Yeah, I was teaching him the art of
seducing a lady. A lady? You were
eating chargrilled chicken crinkles!
I couldn't help myself,
they were moreish. You are...
Oh, shit. Raggy!
Oh, f...
Yeah!
Oh, it's mental now.
Yes. Can I help you?
Oh yeah,
that's right, you piss off, darling,
now you've got what you came for.
But you just remember - when
your looks fade, you'll just be
another lonely old tart
like your auntie.
Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter
on the ground...
Ben, do you think Lee would
lay a whisper on my pillow?
I don't really know
how to answer that
because I don't know what
you mean. Just say the right thing.
Yes. Lee would lay a
whisper on your pillow.
I hope so, Ben.
I hope so.
Oh, look, this isn't helping.
You know what to ask
in these situations?
What would Beyonce say?
I think you know the answer.
To the left, to the left...
Properly. Sing it, girl!
To the left, to the left...
With hand movements.
To the left, to the left
Everything you own
in the box to the left
In the closet that's my stuff
If I bought it,
then please don't touch...
No, Ben, stop it.
This would never happen to Beyonce!
She's still a person, Raggy.
She still has feelings.
Just because she's beautiful.
I wish I was beautiful like Beyonce.
I think you are. And you'd
look dead good with a weave in.
I hate life, Ben. I hate men.
I hate everything except you.
Though no-one could hate you.
My dad does.
PHONE RINGS
It's him.
Yes?
Ben, let me speak to her please.
I know you're with her.
She's busy. Busy dying inside.
How could you do this to us?
I don't know. She read me
this dirty story and I just...
Slut read him one of her stories.
You were aroused. Were you aroused?
Well, yeah, but...
He was aroused.
Please, Ben, just tell her I'm sorry.
No, Lee. Sorry's just an empty word.
It means nothing to us.
Nothing.
Let me speak to her, Ben. Tell her...
I so told him.
Ben, do you remember
when I said I love food
and you thought I said I love you?
Well...
I do love you.
And food.
But not carbs, yeah.
You all right, darlin'?
No.
Oh, dear.
I'm just writing to Ditmir.
He says he's thinking
of moving over from Albania.
You what?
I'm tellin' him not to.
It's more romantic if he doesn't.
Less hassle.
You know, if you wanted
a boyfriend, I wouldn't mind.
Maybe it's not such a bad idea.
What you saying that for?
It's just an observation. Right.
I've got an observation
for you as well, darlin'.
Your mother dedicated
her life to your third stepdad.
Now, do you think she would have
done that if she'd known she was
going to get hit by a truck on her
way for picking up his dry cleaning?
The answer's no.
She wouldn't have.
Dedicatin' your life to one man
will get you killed.
Outside a dry cleaner's.
In Bolton.
It were in that one look I realised.
No-one who surfs dating websites or
has a pen romance with a random
Albanian wants to be single.
I didn't know if she
were lying to herself,
in which case I feel sorry for her,
or whether it were me
she were lying to.
Either way, maybe Lee's mum were
right, and I would end up the same.
And that changed everything.
I wasn't the only one
confused after today. For all
of us, things had begun to change.
The future we'd thought we had
was becoming something else.
And while some people
tried to pretend it wasn't,
others were
falling to pieces because
they couldn't pretend any more.
In the harsh light of day,
we all had things to face up to.
One of mine were givin' me evils
at her bay window.
I knew I'd messed up.
But without knowing it,
I'd started a chain of events that
were going to change everything.
I was cursed by my beauty,
but I had to soldier on.
Chapter four of The Spaniard
Barman wasn't going to write itself.
MUSIC: "She's Got Me Dancing"
by Tommy Sparks