Well, I thought it was
terrible. Absolutely terrible.
- I don't recall seeing anything this bad.
- You're not kidding.
This man is sick.
I mean, what is this thing?
I thought this was
supposed to be a comedy.
That was the most horrifying
thing I've ever seen!
- Seagulls. Dead cars.
- Just horrible. This is a disgrace.
- He has no balance left.
- I just don't get it.
- Listen, I think the guys losing his mind.
- Somebody, please cut that projector.
- Something wrong with him.
- He's out of balance.
He's not funny anymore.
$12 million for that garbage?
What self - indulgence!
- Okay, lets not panic.
- I think the manss lost his mind.
We can take the film away from him,
we can reshoot it, we can recut it.
Maybe we can salvage something.
He's pretentious. His
filming style is too fancy.
His insights are shallow and morbid.
I've seen it all before.
They try to document their private
suffering and fob it off as art.
What does he have to suffer about?
Doesn't the man know he's
got the greatest gift
that anyone can have, the gift of laughter?
No, I don't think I'm gonna make it.
We're sitting here in what looks like
a truck route or something, you know.
I don't know what the hellss
going on. Hold on one second.
George, that guys parked, you know?
You can just drive around
him. You don't have to...
You know, it's crazy.
The town is jammed.
I don't know. Is the Pope in town,
or some other show-business figure?
Oh, my God. Do you know what I forgot?
I forgot to cancel your lunch with
the editor of Newsweek. My fault.
And, you know, you were supposed to tell
me about the public television thing.
You know, I remembered that.
And you were supposed to send the
limousine to the airport for my parents.
I know, sweetheart.
It's just that the cast came off my
finger, so I was at the doctor yesterday.
Look, that ones my fault. Listen,
I made a couple of changes.
You have the analyst at 2:00 instead of 3:00,
I moved your tennis lesson up an hour,
the chiropodist is at 4:00,
and we moved the hair treatment to Friday.
I'm sorry, Wednesday. No, Thursday.
Thursday at 2:00 is the hair treatment.
Can I please get your signature
on this oil shelter thing?
- Oil? You told me cattle.
- The cattle died.
- Did Isobel call?
- Has anybody given any thought
to Time magazine? Cause I
said I'd get back to them.
Your cousin called. He
needs to borrow more money.
Jeez!
Don't bug him about the Time cover.
He can do it after the weekend.
I don't want to go away this weekend.
Who needs a festival of my old films?
- Sign here, please.
- It's ridiculous.
And don't worry about that income tax thing.
I'll be with you when you go
to see the Treasury agents.
Treasury agents? Since
when is it that serious?
Look, Sandy, this is two lousy days.
You drive up there, they honor
you, they show your films,
they ask you a couple of stupid
questions, and you go home.
I don't wanna be honored. It's a hype!
Don't be ungrateful. She's
an important film critic.
You promised. They sold a lot
of tickets. You can't back out.
You might enjoy it.
The nice clean sea air.
Sandy, we've gotta talk about
the new picture.
What do you want me to say?
I don't wanna make funny movies anymore.
They can't force me to.
You know, I don't feel funny.
I look around the world and
all I see is human suffering.
Human suffering doesn't
sell tickets in Kansas City.
They want laughs in Kansas City.
They've been working in
the wheat fields all day.
Hey, fellas, I'm getting a headache.
Can I please get some privacy?
Your problem is, you never
got over Nat Bernsteins death.
Of course I never got over...
The guy was 30 years old,
never sick a day in his life,
and then suddenly, out of left
field, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
It was horrible.
He was laying there in the hospital,
his body degenerated like Lou Gehrig.
You could use this
weekend at the seashore.
You know something? You should take a month.
I don't... My mother used to...
When I was a kid, my mother
took me to the seashore.
Little old decaying hotels
and awnings, you know.
These are Valium.
Great, just what I... Another
show business tranquilizer.
Hey, did anybody read on the front page
of the Times that matter is decaying?
Am I the only one that saw that? The
universe is gradually breaking down.
There's not gonna be anything left.
I'm not talking about my
stupid little films here.
Eventually there's not gonna be
any Beethoven or Shakespeare or...
Yeah, yeah. Go to the
seashore. MANAGER: Have a nice weekend.
Great.
What are you thinking
about when you look out there?
Just, you know, all those people and...
You know, how unhappy most of them are and...
Those terrible things they do
to each other and, you know...
Everythings over so quickly
and you don't have any idea of
was it worth it or not, you know.
Is there any way I can cheer you up?
No, there's... What do you have in mind?
- You smell nice.
- Yeah?
That aftershave, it just made
my whole childhood come back
with a sudden Proustian rush.
That's cause I'm wearing
Proustian Rush by Chanel.
It's reduced, so I got a vat of it.
Listen, why don't I just
run down and get some food,
and well stay in tonight and Ill cook?
Well, the last time you cooked,
the kitchen looked like Hiroshima.
Yeah, we had a good time.
I could do my mothers recipe for
Filet de boeuf fourr Prigourdine.
I could do sweet potato rum casserole.
Yeah? No beverage?
I think they've been putting
something wonderful in your lithium.
I've stopped taking the lithium.
Oh, Jesus, you're kidding!
Dorrie, that's not a good idea.
You know, you can't just
go on and off it like that.
I don't think it does much good.
You're wrong, ccause I notice a difference.
You know, you can't...
It's a pain to keep
getting my blood checked.
- I'm sure it is.
- I feel heavy, and...
But, you know, it's better for you.
You know, it's not a good
thing to just go... Really.
You are the best kisser.
That was my major in college.
Mr. Bates! Mr. Bates, come here at once!
- Please, Mr. Bates, the stoves on fire!
- What's the matter with you?
- Put it out! Put it out!
- Will you stop being so hysterical?
Every night it's a fire.
You don't know how to work the stove yet?
- I worked it perfectly.
- For Gods sake.
You do nothing but start fires here.
- I did just what you...
- Here. Be careful.
Jesus. It's a simple stove!
And every night you set
the apartment on fire!
- Maybe it's defective.
- All right, relax. And no rabbit.
How many times have I told you? No rabbit.
I thought you only meant just that one time.
No. Never. Never! I never
want rabbit. I don't eat rodent.
- I understand now.
- You understand that?
It's fur bearing. Never rabbit.
You never want rabbit. Now that's clear.
Everybody is just ecstatic
that you're here this weekend.
The turnout is tremendous.
And, you know, these film culture
weekends are just absolutely fantastic.
They are getting so popular.
Do you know you're gonna love
our screening facilities?
When I had my Orson Welles weekend
here, you know what he told me?
He said that I had the best sound
and projection system hed ever seen,
bar none. Believe it or
not, he did. That's what he...
This is Mr. Payson, our chairman,
and Mrs. Payson. They adore you.
We love your work. My wife
has seen all your films.
I especially like your early, funny ones.
Dick Lobel. I'm with the
museum film department.
We have a collection of
more than 20,000 prints.
This is my friend Libby.
She thinks you're a genius.
Libby just did a definitive
cinematic study of Gummo Marx.
Interestingly, he's the one Marx
brother that never made any movies.
Hello. A pleasure to have you here.
You're the best. Your workss fantastic.
Here. Read this.
- I think you're absolutely magnificent.
- You're really intense.
We love you!
Hello, Isobel?
Isobel, I'm up here. Jeez, I'm going crazy.
Do you think you can get
up here? Well, I miss you.
In English. Speak to me in English.
Your English is perfect. Don't worry.
Whats the matter? You sound...
You want me to call you
back? Can you not talk?
All right, I'll call you back.
Three little words
Oh, what I'd give for that wonderful phrase
To hear those three little words
That's all I'd live for the rest of my days
And what I feel in my
heart they tell sincerely
No other words can tell it half so clearly
Three little words Eight little letters
Which simply mean I love you
What were you trying to say in this picture?
I was just trying to be funny.
Do you find it very hard to direct yourself?
Hard? No. No, I just have
to resist the temptation
to give myself too many extreme close-ups.
Have you studied filmmaking in school?
No, no, I didn't study anything
in school. They studied me.
I understand you studied
philosophy at school.
No, that's not true. I did take...
I took one course in existential
philosophy at New York University.
And on the final, they gave me 10 questions.
And I couldnt answer a
single one of them, you know.
I left them all blank. I got 100.
Oh, you are marvelous.
You are a genius and...
Good questions. Didn't you think so?
You handled them beautifully.
You're a genius.
One of the most intelligent
films I've seen in many years.
- Can I get a photo, Mr. Bates?
- There he is.
Hi! I just think you're great, and I
just wanted to give you this record.
I'm with the Tuberculosis Association.
- We're doing a benefit...
- There you are. There you are.
Mr. Bates! Mr. Bates, may I
have your autograph, please?
If I could just have 10 minutes of your time,
I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.
- Sure.
- Thank you very much.
I'm doing this piece on the shallow
indifference of wealthy celebrities.
And I'd like to include you. I'd
like to include you in my piece.
I'm starving.
Sandy, there's a phone call for you.
Let me show you where the phone is.
I'm Dr. Paul Pearlman.
I did a paper on you and your
films at a psychiatric convention.
Oh, really?
It was very well received,
youll be happy to know.
- I'm glad to hear that.
- For my own records, tell me,
have you ever had intercourse
with any type of animal?
- With an animal? No, I never... Hello?
- Dr. Pearlman, please!
- Yeah?
- Very good.
- Thank you very much.
- Keep up the good work, and good luck.
- No, I don't think that's fair.
- Mr. Bates, can I have a picture of you?
Over here, Mr. Bates. Thank you so
much. One picture. One more picture.
No, I don't want him to touch the film.
Tell him to come up here
tomorrow and well talk about it.
They can't recut my film.
My name is Claire Schaeffer.
I do work with the blind, and we
have a celebrity auction this month.
If you could donate something,
like an ashtray or...
Sure. It would be no problem at all.
Somebody told me you wear a truss.
An old truss would just be wonderful.
- No, I don't wear a truss.
- Thank you very much.
We went to Israel, and they love you there.
Theyre just crazy about you!
- I'm Jack Abel.
- Hi, how are you?
I teach screenwriting at Columbia.
This is... It's unbelievable!
If I could get you to come and lecture
to my students, youd make me a hero.
I'm not the type that lectures.
For your enjoyment, with
my genuine affection.
Thank you very much.
I really appreciate it.
It's exactly what I need.
People are always telling
me how much we look alike.
I can see that.
If you could take my name,
maybe next time you do a...
- This is a real madhouse!
- I have a suggestive item of food.
Daisy and I were gonna go grab a beer.
- If youd like to come with us, wedd love it.
- Oh, God, I would love it.
- Would you?
- Yeah.
There's a little roadside place...
This is unbelievable. I
don't know what's going on.
Can I talk to you about an
idea for a film I have...
- This is not the place. Really.
- Do you have a moment, please?
It's a comedy based on that whole Guyana mass
- suicide thing.
Sandy, this is what I did
in vaudeville years ago.
I did this in vaudeville.
Give me the
spotlight, give me the stage,
and leave the rest to me
Give me a hat and cane, an
old refrain, a sweet melody
And so I dream of old Brazil
Where hearts were entertaining June
We stood beneath an amber moon
And softly murmured ssomeday soon
We kissed and clung together
Then tomorrow was another day
Comedy is hostility.
It's rage.
I don't have to give you that clichd speech.
What is it that the comedian says
when his jokes are going well?
II murdered that audience. I killed
them. They screamed. I broke them up.
So what are you saying?
You're saying that someone like myself,
or Laurel and Hardy, or Bob Hope are furious?
Furious, or latent homosexual.
It's hidden behind the jokes.
- I can't speak for those guys, but...
- Jack!
Can't we? We're only theorizing.
What do you do, Daisy?
Are you a teacher, too?
- No. No, I don't...
- She's a brilliant violinist.
- Really? Is that so?
- That's an exaggeration.
- Really?
- She's with the philharmonic.
- Okay, that's very impressive.
- Yeah, well, I sit way in the back,
you know, like one of those...
- Get you some Camels?
- Yeah, thanks.
Excuse me.
So can I ask you a question?
Is it my imagination,
or have you been kind of
looking at me all night?
I mean, tell me if I'm wrong. I don't know.
Does it bother you?
No, no, no, I mean, I was
just wondering, you know...
I've never seen such a sexy classical
violinist before. I mean it.
Usually theyre escaped Hungarians.
No, I'm from Winnetka, Illinois.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
It's funny, ccause you remind me of somebody.
It's the strangest thing.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
It's not that you look like her or anything.
It's just that there's some
kind of odd sense that I have...
Really?
And now, the Brooklyn Boys Club
is happy to present The Amazing Sandy.
Incredible.
The boys a natural. Ivve
never seen anything like it.
A born magician.
Well, he should be.
He sits in his room alone
and practices for hours.
Are you sure he's
not doing something else?
Oh, he does that, too.
I found these pictures hidden in his drawer.
It causes him great guilt. I
don't know if I can ever cure him.
I've been treating him for years already.
Thanks for a nice time.
I'll see you guys.
See you around. Good night.
Hey, Sandy. Sandy.
I hate to hassle you or anything, but
I just... I got to tell you, I love you.
- I mean, I love your work.
- Thank you.
I'm an actor. Right now I'm working
as a busboy, but really, I am an actor.
Anyway, I don't wanna bug you or anything,
I just wanted to give you
a picture for your file.
You should mail this to my office, you know.
Here's a composite I have of myself.
Yeah, well, you should send
this stuff all to my office.
And a rsum.
Yeah. I'm gonna go to sleep
now, you know, so if you just...
Just a second. I can give you...
Well, here's some reviews, some of the
things the critics have said about me.
- That's from The Jersey Journal.
- That's great. How about...
Here's a picture of me as
Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof.
- I did that in high school.
- Did you? Did you?
Let's see. Here's a rsum.
That's where I did Ensign Pulver.
I worked in regional theater.
Ensign Pulver in Mister Roberts, there.
Hey, I'm crazy about you.
- You don't even know who I am.
- Yeah, but you...
I've just been looking at you all morning.
I got to tell you, you're incredibly
beautiful, whoever you are.
Yeah, it's true. I am. I guess I'm
a little on the beautiful side.
Yeah, and you're real interesting.
I mean, I've been watching you all morning,
you're just sitting off
by yourself and reading.
You got a real strange quality.
Go on, keep going.
You're getting through.
- Yeah. How long you been acting?
- I guess I'm always acting.
Yeah?
- Can I sit next to you?
- Sure. Be my guest.
Yeah? So tell me about yourself. Who are you?
Give me a lot of personal
information immediately cause...
Don't hold anything back.
I mean, are you married?
Are you living with somebody?
I'm just... I'm fascinating,
but I'm trouble.
- Trouble?
- Yeah.
Yeah? You said the right thing.
So, are you free for dinner or
what? What are your plans later?
Don't feel obligated to say yes
because I'm the director of the film.
This is just... I mean,
this is a big coup for me.
I'm a nobody with a one-line
part, and I managed to impress you
just by sitting around
speed-reading Schopenhauer.
Yeah. Do you understand any of that stuff?
No. But I can fake my way
through most situations.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, I got to tell you,
I'm fatally attracted to you,
so don't blow it, because, you know...
Well, I'll do my best, and
it hasntt failed me yet.
Your spaghetti could
have used another 20 minutes.
You said al dente. I was giving
you my best shot here. Well, you...
Al dente? That was so crispy.
Come on. You don't want
a limp noodle, did you?
You know, you want my spaghetti
with nice Czechoslovakian sauce,
that's my specialty.
And I suppose it's different.
Yeah. It's a congealed, disgusting spaghetti.
- Where did you learn so much about wine?
- My fathers an expert.
Her father! This is incredible.
What is this guy not an expert in?
He's a tennis player and an antique
connoisseur and a wine expert,
and he's probably gorgeous, right, with
graying temples and the aquiline profile.
- A great-looking man.
- Yeah.
Whenever Mother was away in her sanitarium,
the ladies, they flocked around him.
Yeah, and what about you? Tell me.
Did you have a little crush on him?
You can admit this to me, if you like.
- Sure. We had a little flirt.
- A little, small flirt?
Mother away getting shock treatment
and the only beautiful daughter home.
Long, lingering breakfasts with Dad?
- Is this getting nauseating?
- Yeah. No competition for my mother
because she was very beautiful.
- Your mother?
- That's nice. Yeah.
- Your back is really knotted up.
- I know. It's very tense.
Jesus. What was your mother diagnosed as?
Was she schizophrenic or...
She was schizophrenic, she
was depressive, she was...
I see, the full complement of the nasties.
It's funny, ccause in my family nobody
ever committed suicide, nobody...
This was just not a middle-class
alternative, you know?
My mother was too busy
running the boiled chicken
through the deflavorizing machine
to think about shooting herself or anything.
God. So did you always want to be an actress?
No. I'm not really an actress.
You're good, Dorrie. You have a...
You do. You have a real
interesting quality on the screen.
- You know you're just saying that.
- No, you're wrong. You have...
It's not so.
You have a real charming quality.
You got a real...
You're a natural.
I'm a natural. I'm a
natural at everything I do,
and then I wind up not
being able to do anything.
No, you're wrong. Youvve got real,
genuine charisma on the screen.
It's true. You're sexy.
You've got no confidence, of course,
but you got a real charming
quality on the screen.
- What was that? What was that?
- A pigeon.
- Hey, that's pretty. A pigeon.
- No. It's not pretty at all.
- Theyre wonderful.
- They're rats with wings.
No, it's probably a good omen.
- It'll bring us good luck.
- No, get it out of here.
It's probably one of those killer pigeons.
No. Get something for it to eat. We
can coax it down. What are you doing?
Wait. Wait.
You see, it's got a swastika under it's wing.
Stop that.
I just wanna guide it out of the apartment.
Jeez! I don't want a winged thing
in my house.
We can keep it.
Oh, I'm sorry. Forgive me.
- I'm in the wrong room.
- No, no, no, no, you're right.
This is your room. Isnt this fun?
I tipped the porter so I could meet you.
Oh, Jesus, you're kidding. You're
telling me they let you in here?
- Well, I know, you get this all the time.
- No, I don't.
But, you know, I have a psychic,
and I asked her about you,
and she told me that we were
destined to make it together.
Hey, look, whoever you are,
please, I'm tired. Go away.
I wont stay over.
I mean, I just know you're a Sagittarius,
and Sagittarians get along really
well with Pisces, cause I'm a Pisces.
- And I just think that...
- Will you get out of the bed, please?
Well, wait, here. And I drove all the
way from Bridgeport to make it with you.
Yeah? What is this, the
traditional brownies with hash?
- Is this what you're giving me?
- No. No.
Here's the hash on the side because
I didn't know how much you took.
How much I took? What
is it, hollandaise sauce?
What do you mean, how much I took?
- I mean, you could...
- You got in a car
and you drove a long distance
to go through mechanical sex with a stranger?
- Is this what you do?
- My husband drove me.
- We have a van.
- Your husband? You're kidding.
Is your husband here?
You know, he would be so honored
if I could tell him that we made it.
He's a great fan of yours.
- He's got all your albums.
- I'm sure.
He sees every movie. He
talks about you all the time.
- You're one of his heroes.
- Yeah. He's not insanely jealous?
No. We never have any problems with that.
And exactly where is your husband right now?
Well, he's sleeping in the van downstairs.
Hey, look, I don't feel that well. I'm tired.
I don't wanna go through an
empty experience. Ivve had...
Listen, empty sex is
better than no sex, right?
Come on, don't be so angry.
We interrupt this program
to bring you a special bulletin.
Sydney Finklesteins hostility has escaped.
Finklestein, a short man with glasses,
told police that he has been fighting
to hold his anger in for years,
and is very embarrassed that
it broke loose while he napped.
Police are combing the countryside
and warn all citizens to stay indoors.
Oh, my God, look. That's my
schoolteacher, Miss Reilly.
And... Oh, Jeez.
Look, that's my ex-wife
and her alimony lawyer,
and my brother Alvin.
He was the one that they taught to speak up.
Hed always come downstairs and recite.
Look. That's my mother.
Please. We don't wanna hurt
you. We wanna reason with you.
I'm a psychoanalyst. This is my pipe.
I want to help you.
Your films are always
psychological, never political.
- Where do you stand politically?
- What can I say to that?
I'm for total, honest democracy, you know.
And I also believe the
American system can work.
A lot of people have
accused you of being narcissistic.
I know, people think I'm egotistical
and narcissistic, but it's not true.
I... As a matter of fact, if I did identify
with a Greek mythological character,
it would not be Narcissus.
Who would it be?
- Zeus.
- Mr. Bates, I'm with the Cancer Society.
- Right.
And it would mean so much to so many
people if you could appear at our benefit...
I would be glad to.
Just call me when I get back
into town. I do it all the time.
- Did you know, Sandy...
- Really.
Did you know that, as we speak,
Russian scientists are being
forcibly detained in insane asylums?
Yeah, well, I'm on a committee
for that. You know what I mean?
So I've signed petitions and all that stuff.
You know what? Would you sign
this autograph for my wife?
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
- Sandy Brockman from Flatbush Avenue.
- To Hilda.
- Jerry Abraham.
- We went to school together, right?
- I know. I remember you. I remember.
You dressed as Superman, you tried to fly.
- Yeah, I remember.
- I know you're busy. When can we talk?
- I'll be here all weekend.
- Okay, take care.
- What is this?
- Don't read it now. Wait until later.
- What is this thing?
- My son wrote it. It's perfect for you.
It's a spoof on jockeys.
- On jockeys?
- Yes, a spoof on jockeys. Little jockeys.
- Little tiny jockeys? That sounds great.
- Yeah.
Call. Call, okay?
Sandy. Can I have your autograph?
Oh, sure. There you go.
- I was a cesarean.
- Oh. That's great.
Isobel. My God, what are you doing here?
- But you called me. You were lonely.
- I know. But what a surprise.
What a treat.
Oh, Jesus.
Sandy?
- Sandy? Hi. I really loved your last film.
- Oh, thank you.
In English. Speak to me in English.
I had a very erotic dream
about you last night.
You know, I hope you brought your little
tiny white cotton socks that I like,
- you know, because...
- Listen, I left my husband.
Really?
He knew I was having an affair
and I did not want to lie to him.
I'm stunned.
- That makes you nervous, no?
- No, no, no. I'm not nervous.
I'm just so... I just... I
know we talked about it...
Sandy, I knitted this sweater for you myself.
- Thanks very much. Thank you.
- You know, you don't have...
- I just didn't think it would happen.
- You don't have to worry about it.
- No, I'm not worried about it.
- I'm just going to take care of myself.
You know, what has that got
to... What does that mean?
- We've seen all your films.
- They suck.
- Theyre terrific.
- Because I know your face.
I know you are going to be sick.
I'm not going to be sick.
I'm just so stunned.
I can't... You know, we
discussed it and I... And I...
I think I'm going to stay in
a hotel and find an apartment.
Honey, you're not staying in a hotel.
The whole point was that you would
leave your husband and stay with me,
that we would live together
or marry, but be together.
- Can I have your autograph?
- That's the point of it.
You're not gonna stay at a hotel.
- No, I...
- That's ridiculous.
No, I think it would be
okay if it is like that.
We could marry, but there is no pressure.
I don't feel pressure. I...
It's funny. I had salmon for breakfast,
you know, and I feel nauseous a little bit.
- You know, they never serve it fresh.
- You know something.
I just brought up a wonderful
bottle of wine and my white socks.
You know, the ones you like.
Isobel. Gee, I feel like such a fool.
Excuse me, Mr. Bates,
could I have your autograph?
I've seen all of your films.
You're a master of despair.
- Such a touch of Kafka.
- You know, I feel so...
- I feel sick.
- Can you give me 15 minutes?
I will have a bath, and
you will come to the room.
- What about the children?
- They are okay. They will come tomorrow.
Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
I just came in to be alone for
a minute, to think, you know.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I... That's exactly what I was doing.
- I was just sitting around thinking...
- Yeah?
...you know, trying to get away.
- What are you thinking about?
Me? Well, I was thinking
about, should I change my movie?
Should I change my life? You know,
all kinds of, you know, serious...
- Yeah?
- Yeah. What a surprise.
You know, I had a dream about you last night.
- Did you?
- Yeah.
- What did you dream?
- I can't tell you.
- No, come on.
- No. It was really embarrassing.
- Really? Was it one of those?
- Yeah, really. It was.
God, that's terrible.
Maybe if I get to know
you better, I'll tell you.
- Yeah?
- But I can't now.
- Hi. Can I have your autograph?
- You're kidding.
- What do you guys do?
- Me, too.
- Follow me around?
- We think you're so sexy.
I'm sexy? They think I'm sexy.
- Come on, Dorrie.
- Don't lie to me. You're attracted to her.
I'm not attracted to her.
What are you talking about?
Staring at her all through
dinner. Giving each other looks.
- Stop it. She's 14 years old.
- Don't you think I see it?
She's not even 14,
she's 13-and-a-half.
I don't care. I used to play those
games with my father, so I know.
- I've been through all that.
- What kind of games?
You think I'm flirting with your kid cousin?
- You can't take your eyes off her!
- She was sitting opposite me.
- You smile at her!
- I smile at her. I'm a friendly person.
What do you want? She's a kid!
This is stupid!
- I don't wanna have this conversation.
- Don't tell me it's stupid!
I used to do that with my father, across
the table, all those private jokes. I know.
Do what? What private jokes?
We were talking about movies.
She likes funny movies,
so we were discussing it.
What? Hey, whats the matter with you?
Dorrie, whats the matter
with you? You're nuts.
You know how ridiculous this
sounds? What are you saying?
That I'm flirting with your kid cousin?
I mean, doesn't that sound... That's absurd.
Come on.
- Oh, my God!
I was in the neighborhood.
- I had to say hello.
- Why didn't you call me?
- I'm appearing right near here...
- What a surprise? Come on in.
- This is Isobel, this is my sister.
- Hello, Isobel.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God! Sams gonna die.
Come on in.
Girls! My brother! Do you believe this?
- What are you shouting for?
- This is my brother Sam. We're relaxed.
- We're all relaxed, Sandy.
- Did I come at a bad time?
No, you didn't come at a bad time. We're
all doing yoga. Wer're all relaxed.
Come on. You know everybody.
I know you know Irene.
- Oh, yeah. What happened, Irene?
- It's so ironic. Look at her face.
We moved here to get away from the
crime and garbage, and look at this face.
Someone broke into her house last
week, they robbed her, they raped her...
- In the suburbs?
- I wish that...
Isobel, they raped her over and over again.
- They tied her to the bed.
- It was horrible.
- Do you believe it?
- With my scarf.
- Really?
- I didn't even resist.
I'm sure you didn't resist.
Knowing you, Irene, you...
Come on in. How about a drink?
Isobel? Coffee? Tea?
- Sandy, you gotta go see Sam.
- Are you all right?
- He's in the bedroom and he's meditating.
- I will. I'll see Sam. I will.
- Hi. Would you please?
- Don't bother him.
- To Kevin and Mendel.
- Kevin and Mendel?
- What are they, children?
- Theyre my children.
I had two heart attacks
before I got the bicycle.
- And since then?
- I also had two.
This is us when we used to go
to the seashore every summer.
- This is Sandy?
- That's Sandy.
- And you. Where are you?
- That's me, the baby.
- Nice baby.
- Yeah. My father stayed in the city.
I think he fooled around. There he is.
- And your mother?
- That's my mother.
They were always fighting,
always screaming at each other.
Once the police had to come. Here's
Sandy in the Hebrew school play.
Oh, my God, I havent
seen this picture in ages.
- He's so cute.
- Yeah, glasses, skinny.
- Look how skinny he was. Always skinny.
- Oh, yeah.
Remember how you got
into that fight? It was awful.
Yeah, well, I always resented
Abraham being so willing to kill his son.
- Yeah.
- I'm still bothered by it.
I think it was jealousy.
You wanted the part of God.
- Oh, she's a lovely girl.
- I know. She's wonderful.
- Are you gonna get married?
- I guess. You know, I suppose.
What do you mean, you guess? Yes or no?
I mean, you know, that looks like
the direction were heading in.
- Are you in love with each other?
- Yeah, I suppose so.
You know, I don't know what to
say because it's a package deal.
I get a wife. I get a French wife
and I get two kids, overnight.
- Yeah?
- The question is do I want that?
I like the idea she's
French. That I find romantic.
But do I want to have two kids
suddenly? And, well, you know...
- Oh, kids are nice, Sandy.
- I know, but you have to...
Of course, I never hear
from my two older ones.
- Oh, Sandy, it's such a terrible...
- You still haventt heard anything at all?
Theyre 13 and 14. They hitchhiked to Texas.
- I know. I know.
- I had the police.
- I don't know their whereabouts.
- So they can't find any trace?
The youngest one is selling stolen
cameras. I'm worried. I'm worried.
- Take it easy.
- Yeah, take it...
Well, Sam doesn't wanna know about it.
You know, he keeps having heart
attacks. He never gets off the bike.
- Do you hear from our parents at all?
- Yeah. You know, they sit in Miami.
- Dads gonna be 80.
- That's amazing. Amazing.
Good shape. Moms blind in
one eye, deaf in one ear.
I hope the same side of the head, right?
Because that's important. So she's even.
- Don't make jokes.
- She should be even at that age.
I miss you. I never...
Sam! That's enough with that bell!
I bought him a bell for Christmas
and I never hear the end of it.
So I send money
to Miami all the time,
but I don't know what else
I can do for our parents.
You're good like that. You're
good like that. You keep up.
You know, I like your sister.
She's very nice.
She's a little screwed up.
- She's very funny.
- She is.
When you told her that you
had been a leftist, you know,
and that you had been in jail,
her mouth was hanging open.
She's intensely middle-class, you know.
I find that extremely
difficult to swallow, even now.
But I told you, things were very
different in this time, in 68.
I know they were different,
but I can't see you standing on the
streets throwing rocks and bottles.
I don't have that image of you.
You're too sweet to ever think of...
I had to... Because we had to.
It was the only way to change the
spirit of relationships between people.
George, you're going too
slow. They're gonna get you.
I know, but, you know,
it's just such an odd thing.
I can never picture you just
hanging in there with the workers,
you know, and storming the...
The workers were not with us.
They were fighting for their own
salaries and own conditions of life.
- Yes. And so what were you...
- And we were fighting...
for the spirit of the things and for...
Maybe we were romantic, you know.
- They thought we were romantic and...
- Yes.
I remember, when I was in jail,
I thought it was so romantic.
- Oh, terrific.
- I was so excited.
You met a lot of interesting men in jail?
You know, men and women
are separated in jail.
I find it very, very difficult
to have a commitment like that.
I feel to survive in life, you wanna
stay loose, you wanna keep flexible.
What the hell is going on
out there? What are they...
- Hey, whats going on?
- Mr. Bates. How are you?
- I've always enjoyed your films.
- Thanks very much. What's he done?
- Well, I've got a warrant for his arrest.
- You're kidding!
- For what?
- I'm sorry. Out of Pennsylvania.
- It's for mail fraud.
- Mail fraud? My chauffeur?
Listen, do you have a license?
- Can you drive this car?
- I can drive it if I have to.
- Are you gonna take him down?
- I have to. I'm sorry.
- Are you sure you got the right guy?
- Yes, I do.
By the way, Mr. Bates, the
next time you do a film,
how about doing one about a police sergeant?
- Jesus.
- What happened?
- I got a great story to tell you, okay?
- What happened?
He's booking my driver for mail
fraud, if you can believe that.
Really? You're kidding.
Oh, that doesn't make sense.
I checked every reference. Theyre impeccable.
How can they be impeccable? I
had six chauffeurs in two years.
You get me drunks, guys
who can't understand English.
One guy ran over an old
lady with me in the car,
and now this guys wanted for mail fraud.
Would you sign my left breast?
By the way, Dr. Melnikoff called.
He said you should stop
using that shampoo solution
he gave you to rub in your hair.
He says they just found
out it causes skin cancer.
He's had me on it for nine months.
Now he tells me it causes skin cancer?
Ed Rich. I'm with the New
York City Landmarks Committee.
- We're having a fundraiser next month.
- Ill be glad to come.
- Just, you call me when I get to town.
- It's a wonderful cause,
- to preserve old buildings.
- I'm sure. I'm sure.
Just call me when I get back to
town. I'll be happy to make it. Really.
- Oh. Oh. Okay. Fine. Thank you.
- And cheer up.
What is that?
What the hell is that? That's the
silliest thing Ivve ever seen.
What is that?
Those people that are
marching in the background.
Those are all the people from the
train that wind up in the garbage dump.
What the hell are they doing here?
They wind up in Jazz Heaven.
It's commercial. It's upbeat.
They wind up in Jazz Heaven.
It's upbeat. It's commercial.
- It's stupid.
- I thought youdd like it, Sandy.
You love jazz.
Who is this guy anyhow to
rewrite the end of my movie?
And since when are all these guys involved?
- What the hell is going on?
- These are the new heads of the studio.
What do you mean? Every six months
I meet a new group of studio heads.
It's very disconcerting to me, too,
but, you know, the mortality rate
in this business is unbelievable.
I'll say. It's like the Black Plague. Jesus.
I think you're wonderful.
Can I have your autograph?
I don't want anybody going to Jazz Heaven.
That's a nitwit idea.
You know, the whole point of the
movie is that nobody is saved.
Sandy, this is an Easter film. We
don't need a movie by an atheist.
To you I'm an atheist. To God
I'm the loyal opposition.
Jesus.
You know, I'm your biggest
fan. I think you're terrific.
Thank you.
- His public adores him.
- Yeah, today they adore you,...
and tomorrow it's one of these.
He's paranoid.
I think
you're being a little paranoid.
No, you know what I'm
being? I'm being realistic.
You know, and that's why
you don't like the movie.
It's not a matter of what I like.
Listen, I've been on this side of
the business for four years now.
Too much reality is not what the people want.
Jazz Heaven. That is the
stupidest thing I've ever heard.
You can't control life. It
doesn't wind up perfectly.
Only art you can control.
Art and masturbation.
Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
- I feel very tired.
- Yeah?
Isobel, I want you to come and live with me.
- Can we not talk about it tonight?
- No, I wanna talk about it.
I've been thinking about
it all day. You know, it...
I was just very, very
surprised before, that's all.
But, you know, when I think it over,
it's a very, very important thing to me.
- You know, you don't have to say that.
- I know I don't have to say it.
But, you know, I feel that way.
I have very, very complicated
feelings towards you.
You know, I like to be with you and I
don't want to screw up this relationship.
You know that I love you,
I trust you, you know.
You're one of the few people
that I really have fun with.
Gee, if it wasn't for you this past year,
I'd have been absolutely, you know...
Isobel, what are you doing?
I'm pouring my heart out here and
you're behaving like a crazy person.
Isobel, will you stop that for a minute?
Yes, but I'm just doing my exercise.
Yes. But this is important, what I'm saying.
- Can you...
- Yes, but my exercise, too.
- Yes. I know, but...
- I need it for my muscle.
- You look like you're having a fit.
- No, I'm not.
Isobel. Isobel, I'm serious.
I want you to move in with me.
I'm serious.
I think that you should live with me
and I think we would have
a lot of fun together.
- I'm not sure about anything, you know?
- What do you mean?
I'm just thinking of it. It's
such a big decision for me, too.
I know it's a big decision for you, too.
It wasn't so easy to leave my husband,
and now to think of the children...
It's good that you left your husband, though.
- I think it's a good thing.
- Yes, I'm sure of it, too.
And I think it would be...
But I'm not sure about the rest, you know.
It frighten me, too.
I think we have to think about it.
I see. So now that I feel
that you should live with me,
now you, all of a sudden,
you feel differently, right?
But it is not so clear.
But don't you see? To me,
you may be the perfect woman.
You're mad. You're a respected,
well-known, established New York doctor.
How could you get involved
in something like this?
But, you know, I've never
been able to fall in love.
I've never been able to
find the perfect woman.
There's always something
wrong. And then I met Doris.
A wonderful woman, great personality.
But, for some reason, I'm just not turned
on sexually by her. Don't ask me why.
And then I met Rita. An
animal. Nasty, mean, trouble.
And I love going to bed with her.
Though afterward I always wished
that I was back with Doris.
Then I thought to myself, if only I
could put Doriss brain in Ritass body.
Wouldnt that be wonderful?
And I thought, why not?
What the hell? I'm a surgeon.
Surgeon? Whered you study
medicine, in Transylvania?
So I performed the operation
and everything went perfectly.
I switched their personalities and I took
all the badness and put it over there,
and I made Rita into a warm,
wonderful, charming, sexy, sweet,
giving, mature woman.
And then I fell in love with Doris.
Do you really feel there's
such a thing as a perfect mate?
I mean, don't you think the basis of any
mature relationship is really compromise?
I think any relationship is not based on
either compromise or maturity
or perfection or any of that.
It's really based on luck. You
know, that's the key thing.
People don't like to acknowledge that
because it means a loss of control,
but you really have to be lucky.
I have a question for Mr. Roberts.
Was the scene between you and
Sandy Bates at the wax museum
a homage to Vincent Prices
horror movie the House of Wax?
An homage? Not exactly. We
just stole the idea outright.
You set things up so you
can play a little golf,
you get a little poon, you
smoke some good grass...
- Yeah, keep going... and
that's what lifess about.
- It's shallow. It's shallow.
- Shallow?
Did you see the shallow girl that I'm with?
- No, I havent.
- Playboy centerfold.
- Perfect. You met her in a hot tub, right?
- She's a lovely girl. She's very healthy.
- Into massage, right?
- She wont eat meat, sweets,
- just amphetamines.
- Yeah. Exactly.
You don't make such good picks. A lot
of your picks left a lot to be desired.
Like what? Like what? Like
Dorrie? Dorrie was fabulous.
- Dorrie was a loony.
- Dorrie was great.
- She was bright, she was quick...
- She was bright, there's no question.
Yeah. She had a perfect personality.
She was completely
self-conscious out of bed,
and when you got her in bed she
was completely unselfconscious.
I mean, it's a perfect balance.
Yeah. Yeah, she could be
very fine and funny and bright
and wonderful two days a month.
- The other 28, she was lost.
- But what a two days, let me tell you.
When she was on, she was
a 10. She was dynamite.
Do you remember when we
went to that place with the pipes?
- That was her photography period.
- That was hilarious.
I remember you bought her a camera.
Well, she kept hinting. That's
all she hinted was for a camera.
And graphics. That's all she talked about.
- Yeah, she was obsessed.
- Well, you like to pose for pictures.
Oh, you were in all your hammy glory.
I wanted to go hear jazz, and you
guys wanted to go home and rehearse.
We had to rehearse. We're artists.
We had work to do that night.
I can imagine.
Hey, Sandy. Jerry Abraham.
Remember me? We grew up together.
Of course. You asked me this the other day.
Of course, I remember you.
Why should I forget you?
Well, you know, people grow up, they
become big hotshots, they forget.
- We played stickball together, right?
- Yeah. We went to Hebrew school, too.
Yeah. So what are you
doing? What are you up to?
You know what I do now? I drive a cab.
Well, you look good. There's
nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, but look at me compared to you.
- I mean, all those beautiful broads.
- Jesus.
- You know, that's great.
- What do you want me to say?
I was the kid in the neighborhood
that told the jokes, right?
So we live in a society that puts
a big value on jokes, you know?
Think of it this way.
If I had been an Apache Indian, those
guys didn't need comedians at all, right?
- So?
- So I'd be out of work.
Oh, come on.
That doesn't help me feel better, you know.
I don't know what to say.
I got such a headache.
You know, it's luck. It's
all luck. I was lucky.
I'm the first to admit I was a lucky bum.
If I was not born in Brooklyn, if
I had been born in Poland or Berlin,
- I'd be a lampshade today, right?
- Right.
It could happen just like that.
So, you know, be thankful
that you're not Nat Bernstein.
- Nat Bernstein?
- Yeah, wasted away.
Incurable disease.
- It was absolutely terrible.
- Oh, wow.
Well, yes, of course, Harvey.
No, I understand that. Of course.
The point is it's immoral for
them to touch the end of my film.
Jesus. Well, I don't know what to say.
So then well sue them.
Can you call me back later this
afternoon at the hotel and find out?
Well, yes, I'll be... Later this afternoon.
Okay, okay.
No, the thing is,
I'm kind of crazy right now.
I guess I just don't seem to
be able to sleep, you know?
I have to do some practicing on the violin
cause I got to go back to the
philharmonic in a couple of weeks.
But, you know...
Last night I had a migraine,
and so I took some Darvon,
and that made me so nervous that I
took 40 milligrams of Valium, you know.
And then I still couldnt
sleep. I was up all night.
Yeah, well...
Well, I got a message on my
service that Sarah called.
Yeah, I know. I havent talked
to her in about a year, you know.
And I got upset. I started eating.
I ate a pound of cookies last night.
Yeah, I'm really fat. Really fat.
Jack was so sweet about it.
No, he doesn't know about
my relationship with her.
I mean, he knows that we lived together
in Israel but he doesn't know the...
He was so affectionate last night in bed.
You know, he wanted...
I told him I had herpes.
Yeah. No, take the call. I'll hold on.
No, I'll hold on a second.
I don't like the idea of
your kids riding on the train alone.
- They will be okay, I'm sure.
- Who knows what goes on in those things.
You know, there's a lot
of weird people out there.
A lot of perverts and crazies. Theyre
liable to get molested or robbed.
Not my children. Maybe the other way around.
If I knew exactly when theyre coming,
my chauffeur could have picked them up.
He could have broken
out of jail and got them.
- Are you Sandy Bates?
- No.
- The kidsll probably be starved.
- Yes, you are.
No, no, no.
My mother buys meat in the same
butcher shop your mother does.
- Oh, great.
- Can I have your autograph?
Oh, jeez!
Could you just write, To Phyllis Weinstein,
you unfaithful, lying bitch?
Okay, okay.
We can sit by the window. It'll be nice.
Okay. Well sit by the
window and have a nice time.
Don't attract attention. Don't
attract too much attention.
Okay, okay.
Uncle Sandy... Can I put you down first?
Heavy kid! Jeez, she's really heavy.
Uncle Sandy...
Okay, okay.
We don't want to attract too much attention.
Blonde kids.
- Thank you.
- Happy birthday, boy.
You didn't have to do that.
Wow.
- What are you thinking about?
- I'm knocked out by this.
You know, you really didn't have to do this.
- I never forget a birthday.
- This is so great.
But how did you know it's
exactly what I wanted?
You always wanted to learn.
Yeah. I wanted... Will this
play the Mozart Flute Concerto?
You have to do that.
Oh, I have to do it? You mean it doesn't...
Oh, Dorrie, this is a big day for me here.
The Way of Zen. What are
you trying to tell me?
That I'm not at peace, right? I
think I need more than a Zen book.
I need either a good rabbi analyst
or interplanetary genius to...
What is that?
Oh, Dorrie, what...
Unbelievable. How did you get that?
I thought the museum was gonna buy it.
- Yeah, well, I knew you loved it.
- This must have cost you a fortune.
How could you do that? It's so extravagant.
That's... Gee, I...
You got nothing else for
me? I mean, just three?
When I was a kid, the thing that
I always wanted was an elephant.
You know, and I could never
convince my mother to get one for me.
- I would have got you an elephant.
- Yeah, but where were you?
- Hey, look who it is.
- Hey, hi.
- Hi, you guys.
- Hi, Sandy.
- Hey, there's the kids.
- This is Isobel. And this is Daisy and Jack.
We were just at the train
station. Her kids just came in.
- Great-looking kids. -
Yeah. Theyre wonderful.
We're gonna get them some ice cream.
What have you guys been doing?
- We were walking around town.
- Yeah, it's dead, isntt it?
Did you know The Bicycle
Thief is playing in town?
- Really? That would be a great...
- I've never seen it.
- You've never seen The Bicycle Thief?
- It's a movie Ivvve seen five times.
Oh, we should see it. Do you
wanna see The Bicycle Thief?
No, no thanks. I have
to get the children home.
Oh, but she's never seen it.
Why don't you guys go see The Bicycle Thief?
I'll go home and read my Agatha Christie.
I would love to see it. I've
seen it, but I would love to.
I can take you back in the
car if you don't wanna go.
It's a great film. I mean, it's great.
But, you know... But you
got to look at it in context.
- I mean it's about survival in postwar Italy.
- I was looking at it in context.
Right. But you can't divorce
it from it's social roots.
But it's much deeper than a social problem.
I mean, you know, there's so
many wonderful ambiguities in it.
- It's much more profound.
- Yeah, but the conflict is clear. Right?
He's got to have the bicycle
or he's gonna starve to death.
Yes. Of course. But forget about
a social problem for a minute.
- Yeah.
- I mean, you know, obviously...
What is this place?
Obviously if you don't have
enough to eat or something,
that becomes a major problem.
I mean, the issues become very clear-cut.
But what happens if you're living in
a more, you know, affluent society
and you're lucky enough to
not have to worry about that?
- Lets say you're surviving.
- Yeah. All right.
So then your problems become
how can I fall in love,
or why can't I fall in love, more accurately,
and why do I age and die,
and what meaning can my life possibly have?
You know, the issues
become very complex for you.
You know, for a guy who
makes a lot of funny movies,
you're kind of a depressive, you know.
I'm not a depressive.
- I have a good time. I have laughs. Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Do you?
- Why? Do you not think so?
Oh, I don't know. Like what do
you do, for example, for laughs?
What do I do? The usual, you know.
Read, walk, communicate, all that stuff.
Get undressed and perform the
Heimlich maneuver on a loved one.
You know, I was having a
good time this afternoon.
Why, has this been dreary
for you? Have I been boring?
- No. No.
- Tell me the truth.
No, I've been having a
really good time. Really.
Sandy?
Charlotte. Charlotte Ames.
Your mother.
How you doing? I just knew
that was you back there.
- You don't recognize me, right?
Sure I do.
It's okay. I had some face work done.
You look astounding.
Would you believe it?
Would you believe I played
your mother in a movie?
- I'm amazed.
- Thank you.
What a funny coincidence.
I had my face done. I had my
breasts done. I had my ass done.
I got some procaine and silicone,
some nipping and tucking.
That's more work than they
do on the West Side Highway.
- Well...
- But why? I don't understand you.
You were always a wonderful-looking...
You know. I'm an actress.
You got to keep young.
- Otherwise the public loses interest.
- You always looked great to me.
- Let me tell you.
- Wow. That's sweet.
Listen, tell me, what the
hell are you doing up here?
I was just driving through.
We were at the movies.
I'm still stunned to see you, I must say.
You got to tell me whatever happened
to whats-her-name? That actress. Dorrie.
Dorrie? Dorries okay.
Dorries living in Hawaii, and
she's married, and she's fine.
- I liked her. She was special.
- She was great.
I mean, I really dug her.
I can't play this. I don't
have that kind of flair.
Will you stop it? You're fine.
You just refuse to trust yourself.
I'm no good.
I don't know what you see in me.
Will you relax? You're a bundle
of nerves. You're great.
I should be playing Cynthias
role, she should be playing mine.
She's much funnier and a lot more beautiful.
She's fine, but you're great, too.
The crew laughs at her. They
can't take their eyes off her.
- Oh, stop it. What are you taking?
- My diet pill.
- That's speed.
- I don't wanna be fat.
Fat? How can you be fat?
There's no chance...
I am. I'm overweight. You just
refuse to see my bad points.
You're killing yourself with those diets.
First it's no pills, then it's
all pills, then it was no steak,
and then it was six steaks a
day and 12 glasses of water.
- I'm tired of feeling gross.
- You're not gross.
Obviously you're gonna kill
your appetite if you take speed,
but then you can't sleep nights.
You got to take those
terrible sleeping pills.
And you mix that garbage
with your antidepressants...
- The doctor said it was fine.
- You never asked the doctor.
Stop telling me. Is she
fat? Is she fat? Talk to her.
- Talk to her. I can't believe...
- Listen, Dorrie. Listen to me.
You are such a sweet, young and beautiful...
Anything you do looks right.
Honestly, you're at the age where
you can't do anything wrong.
Hey, come on.
If you had scar tissue,
it would be beautiful.
She refuses to believe anything.
Listen, I'm the one with crowss
feet on her crows feet, huh?
You're wonderful.
The picturess almost over.
Why don't we go away for a
while? We could drop out.
We can have a kid or something.
Would you like to do that?
You know I'd like that.
All right. So, of course, wed
have to fool around a little bit,
but, you know, you could swing
that if you put your mind to it.
Oh, shit! Now my skin hurts. That's
a sure sign I'm getting depressed.
So do I really remind
you of an old girlfriend?
That's not bad for a little
violinist from Winnetka, you know.
Yeah, I got to give you
my one classical music joke
which I put in every single
picture, and I invariably cut it out.
I don't know much about classical music.
For years, I thought the Goldberg Variations
were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg
tried on their wedding night.
Yeah. You see why it goes
out of the picture, right?
- Great gag.
- Yeah.
So, how do I remind you of Dorrie?
- How?
- Yeah.
Well, you guys are both, you know,
sort of seductive and attractive.
Stop me if this gets nauseating.
And, you know, beautiful.
And there's a... Not a tragic
sense, I wouldntt say,
but there's kind of, you know,
a lost feeling.
- Really?
- Little bit. Yeah.
Yeah. A sort of... I don't know
you well enough to say that,
but, you know, I would guess
it's just kind of a lost quality.
Yeah?
Yeah.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Whats the matter? What's going on?
Yeah. The goddamn chauffeur
never takes care of the car.
Hang on. Oh, brother! I got to... Yeah.
Oh, Jesus. Really annoying.
- No, I know. No.
- This is absurd.
You know, it's starting to get dark,
there's no people, there's no...
There's, you know...
Yeah, well, I'm sure we're
gonna find something very soon.
- I don't know.
- There's got to be something around here.
Theyre gonna find us wandering
in the woods six months from now,
living on locusts and wild honey.
What the hell is that?
In the Earths trinity there are three
signs, the Taurus, the Virgo, the Capricorn.
The Taureans are determined,
the Virgos analytical,
and the Capricorneans persevering.
We're not discussing
astrology. This is science.
Oh, come on! Science has failed.
How can you say it's failed?
Yes, you're just saying that because
it hasntt solved every problem.
- Yeah, look at penicillin.
- And look at space satellites.
Open-heart surgery, heart transplants.
My husbands alive, six months now,
using a different personss heart.
It's a Japanese heart, but he seems happy.
Can we get back to the subject of UFOs?
I mean, that's what this
partyss for, anyway, isnttt it?
- Is it true that you're a UFO freak?
No, no, no. Our car broke down.
- I really admire your work, sir.
- Well, thanks very much.
- You have such a degenerate mind.
- Oh, thank you.
Listen, theyre in all different sizes
and they're in all different shapes.
- You mean you actually see them?
- Every night.
Is this your girlfriend?
- She's just a friend.
- Are you both into Martians?
I know you don't like to do
this, but can I kiss you?
Hey, you know, you should make
a film about flying saucers.
Yeah, you only make films about
people with personality disorders.
- Sandy.
- Yeah.
I can prove that if there's life
anywhere else in the universe,
they will have a Marxist economy.
- Mr. Bates? Excuse me.
- Yes. Yes.
I'm an occult nutritionist.
I was wondering...
Mr. Bates? Excuse me. What have
you got against intellectuals?
- Intellectuals? Nothing. Why?
- Mr. Bates, I've seen all your films.
- You really feel threatened by them.
- Threatened? You're kidding.
I've always said they're like the
Mafia. They only kill their own.
That's exactly the attitude
I was talking about.
You believe in magic. I know,
I've read all your interviews.
No, no, I do... I used to do magic
tricks when I was a kid, but no more.
So what are you guys here for?
To see flying saucers land?
Is that gonna happen tonight?
When they arrive, it's gonna be the
dawn of a whole new civilization.
Space creatures conspiring
with the Soviet government
already control our thoughts by
sending out electrical currents
from the top of the Empire State
Building, and I'm the only one that knows.
If you're alienated, can
you still have children?
Sure. Alienation only affects the mind.
It has nothing to do with
the rest of your body.
Sandy! Sandy, you know, this is
exactly like one of your satires.
It's like we're all characters in some film
being watched in Gods private screening room.
- So, I thought I saw a UFO once.
- Really?
Yeah. But I had taken a lot of
mescaline at the time, so I don't know.
Well, that will do it to you.
Yeah, I was down in Mexico. I
was with my English professor.
We were having an affair, he was married.
- It was a really terrible situation.
- You thought you saw a UFO?
Yeah, we both... We really thought we did.
Well, that's a delusion.
I didn't know you did magic tricks.
Yeah, when I was a kid. I
always practiced to be popular.
So, I used to...
- I'm getting drunk.
- So can you show me one?
- You wanna see one?
- Sure.
Our sons a genius.
He doesn't take after you,
that's for damn sure.
Well, he surely doesn't take
after your side of the family.
- Go to hell!
- Shut up!
If he's such a genius, how come
he can't make funny movies?
Sandy, well sue them if they
touch one frame of your film.
I promise you, you wont win.
By the way, Sandy, we got killed by the IRS.
They started looking at the back taxes.
Sandy, you're my brother.
You got to help me change my life.
I'm a mess.
And Sandy, don't forget lunch with the
editors of those high school newspapers.
And what about the Cancer
Foundation, and the leukemia victims,
and the political prisoners
all over the world?
What about the Jews, the
persecution in Europe, in Russia...
All those silly magic tricks you do
couldnt help your friend Nat Bernstein.
And what about Dorrie? You
know what that was like.
Do you remember the last time you saw her?
There's a doctor here that thinks
I'm beautiful and interesting.
There's a doctor here that thinks
I'm beautiful and interesting.
Are you seeing anyone?
You look thin.
There's a doctor here that's crazy about me.
Are you seeing any... There's... Peopless...
...be too close.
I used to swim a lot. I can't
feel anything. Yeah, me too.
I can't concentrate. There's no
point. Too much. Some fresh air.
I feel better.
You were always searching
for the perfect woman.
You wound up falling in love with me.
I can't be alone.
But I can't be too close.
It's not you, I just can't feel anything.
Are you going with anyone?
Are you seeing anyone?
Are you in love with anyone?
How do I look?
Wait a minute. Don't go.
Ivve got some questions.
We can't breathe your air.
Yeah, at the rate were going,
we're not gonna be able to, either.
You guys got to tell me, why is
there so much human suffering?
This is unanswerable.
- Is there a God?
- These are the wrong questions.
Look, here's my point. If nothing
lasts, why am I bothering to make films,
or do anything, for that matter?
We enjoy your films. Particularly
the early, funny ones.
But the human condition is so discouraging.
- There are some nice moments, too.
- Yeah, with Dorrie.
- That's right. And Isobel. Be honest.
- You prefer Isobel?
There's no comparison. She's a mature woman.
Mature woman? What are you, my rabbi?
Hey, look, I'm a super intelligent being.
By Earth standards, I have an IQ of 1600,
and I can't even understand what you expected
from that relationship with Dorrie.
- I loved her.
- Yeah, I know.
And two days a month she was the
most exciting woman in the world.
But the rest of the time
she was a basket case.
On the other hand, Isobel is
someone that you can count on.
But shouldnt I stop making movies
and do something that counts,
like helping blind people, or
becoming a missionary or something?
Let me tell you, you're
not the missionary type.
Youd never last.
And incidentally, you're also
not Superman. You're a comedian.
You wanna do mankind a real
service? Tell funnier jokes.
Yeah, but I've got to find meaning.
Wouldnt you know it, that
there would be hot air balloons?
- You didn't really expect saucers, did you?
- I did, yeah. I was hoping...
I had some very, very profound
questions that I wanted to ask.
You know, you look
incredibly beautiful to me.
Well, thanks.
We should go back to the
hotel, don't you think?
- No, I don't want to.
- Come on.
- We've been away for hours.
- No, no.
- Theyre gonna be worried about us.
- I never wanna go back to the hotel.
Never. I wanna...
What I wanna do is run away with you.
I'm serious. I wanna get in the
car and just give up everything.
- You're just a little drunk.
- No, no, no.
I just wanna give up everything,
and just... Well move in together.
I would be no fun to live with.
You would be nothing but fun. Youd be great.
I would be very bad trouble,
believe me. You don't know me.
- Why? What are your problems?
- I just... Men.
- I have terrible trouble with men.
- Why? Why?
It's just that whenever a
man gets close I get crazy.
- Well, you go with Jack.
- That's something else.
He's very sweet and he really cares about me.
And it's solid, you know. I need that.
As soon as I saw you in the lobby,
I thought that you would
be absolutely fun for me.
You have an incredible sixth sense
to pick me out of the whole crowd of people.
- I'm nothing but trouble.
- Nothing but... I can handle it.
There they are! What is going on here, Sandy?
- You know, we sent the police?
- This is disgraceful.
I thought something terrible had happened.
- No. The car broke down.
- Out here carousing. I don't believe this.
What does everybody want
from me? Leave me alone.
I don't wanna go back.
I'm tired of everything.
I'm tired of my lawyer and my
accountant, and I can't help anybody.
I can't help the Cancer Society,
and I can't help the blind
people and the kidney victims.
I can't help my sister, and I
don't wanna get married, Isobel.
It's the last thing I need now is
a family and a commitment and a...
- Isobel!
- Sandy?
- Isobel.
- You know you're my hero.
- Oh, my God!
- He's dead!
It's a shame. Poor fool, he's dead,
and he never really found
out the meaning of life.
I treated him. He was a complicated patient.
He saw reality too clearly.
Faulty denial mechanism.
Failed to block out the
terrible truths of existence.
In the end, his inability to push away
the awful facts of being in the world
rendered his life meaningless.
Or as one great Hollywood producer said,
TToo much reality is not
what the people want.
Sandy Bates suffered a depression
common to many artists in middle age.
In my latest paper for
the psychoanalytic journal,
I have named it OOzymandias Melancholia.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Well, Sandy Bates works
will live on after him.
Yeah, but what good is it if I can't
pinch any women or hear any music?
And, now, in this classic scene from his
Academy Award winning motion picture...
I would trade that Oscar
for one more second of life.
...he deals with the subject of
immortality, a subject that plagued him.
In this film, he played the part of God.
This was not easy, folks, because, you know,
I didn't know what the hell I was doing,
and I don't have a good voice for God.
He received an Academy Award nomination
for his convincing portrayal of God,
although they had to
use another actors voice.
And though this plaque
is not an Academy Award,
and it's presentation is posthumous,
I want to present it to that great
comedian, the late Sandy Bates.
Here you go, Sandy.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I'm very honored to get
this, you can imagine. I...
You know, some time ago I had a love
affair that ended sort of unhappily,
and just a little while back,
just before I died, in fact,
I was on the operating table,
and I was searching to try and find
something to hang on to, you know.
Cause when you're dying,
your life suddenly really
does become very authentic.
And I was reaching for something
to give my life meaning,
and a memory flashed through my mind.
It was one of those great
spring days, a Sunday,
and you knew summer would be coming soon.
And I remember that morning Dorrie
and I had gone for a walk in the park.
We came back to the apartment. We
were just sort of sitting around.
And I put on a record of Louis Armstrong,
which was music that I grew up loving.
It was very, very pretty,
and I happened to glance over,
and I saw Dorrie sitting there.
And I remember thinking to
myself how terrific she was
and how much I loved her.
And I don't know. I guess it was
the combination of everything,
the sound of that music, and the breeze,
and how beautiful Dorrie looked to me.
And for one brief moment, everything
just seemed to come together perfectly,
and I felt happy.
Almost indestructible, in a way.
And it's funny, that simple
little moment of contact
moved me in a very, very profound way.
Sometimes, I wonder why
I spend the lonely night
Oh baby, oh I know
Dreaming of a song melody in my memory
And I am once again with you
When our love was new, oh baby
Each kiss an inspiration
That was long ago, now my consolation
Is in the stardust of a song
Beside a garden wall
When stars are bright you were in my arms
The nightingale tells his fairy tale
Of paradise where roses grow
Though I dream in vain, oh baby
In my heart it will remain
My stardust melody
The memory of loves refrain
The memory of loves refrain
Cop-out artist!
That was so beautiful.
Why do all comedians turn
out to be sentimental bores?
He's all right. He just fainted.
- I'm sure it's just nervous tension.
Dorrie.
He had some hallucination about
being shot with a. 32 pistol by a fan.
Dorrie.
Isobel. Isobel!
- Come here. I wanna talk to you.
- I don't want to talk to you.
Isobel, don't be silly...
I came to invite you to
my brothers restaurant.
My brother Ozzys got a terrific restaurant.
- Armenian food. My mothers the cook.
- I don't eat Armenian food.
Mr. Bates?
We need a picture of you, you
know, maybe sitting at a table.
- No, no, no.
- Itd really be terrific.
- Whats the matter?
- The Rolls-Royce.
Yeah, it's mine. This is mine.
I already went through that.
- Well, we found a. 32 caliber pistol.
- Yeah, that's mine, too. I carry a pistol.
I have a thing about Nazis. It's
a little paranoid weakness I have.
You have a permit, I'm sure.
I don't need a permit. I never
shoot the gun or anything.
But, you know, I've had
family that's had problems,
and that kind of thing, so I keep it.
- I'm sorry, but...
- It's strictly a Nazi...
I'm sorry, but well have to have you
come down and answer a few questions.
That wont be necessary. Really.
You can make an exception
in my case. I'm a celebrity.
Listen, I want you to come and live with me.
No, thank you.
- Really. I don't want... Don't be ridiculous.
- You make me feel ridiculous.
I've been under stress
lately. You know what I mean?
The broken romance and the death of a friend.
- Go find Dorrie. She's much better for you.
- No, no. Dorrie. That's over, believe me.
I don't want to hear you.
I love you. I mean, I've
really thought everything over.
I'm telling you, this has been a
very, very interesting weekend for me.
A lot of very strange
thoughts went through my mind.
And I feel very differently
about a lot of things.
- I am not your type.
- Yes. No.
You like those dark women
with all their problems.
Those dark women? No.
- They give you a hard time and you like.
- And you think I like that? Right?
No, you're wrong.
I'm telling you, I was thinking about
a lot of unusual things on the weekend
and I feel much... I feel
lighter. Do you know what I mean?
And I had a very, very remarkable idea
for a new ending for my movie, you know?
We're on a train, and there are
many sad people on it, you know.
And I have no idea where it's heading.
It could be anywhere. It could
be the same junkyard. And...
But it's not as terrible as
I originally thought it was
because, you know, we like each other,
and, you know, we have some laughs,
and there's a lot of closeness.
And the whole thing is a lot easier to take.
I don't like it.
- You don't like it?
- It's too sentimental.
So? But so what?
It's the good sentimental.
That's what you... You know,
it's... And you're...
There's this character that's based on
you that's very warm and very giving,
and you're absolutely nuts over
me, you're just crazy about me.
You just think I'm the most
wonderful thing in the world.
And you're in love with me, and you're...
And despite the fact that I
do a lot of foolish things,
cause you realize that down
deep, I'm not evil or anything,
you know, just sort of floundering
around, just ridiculous, maybe.
- You know, just searching, okay?
- I don't think it's realistic.
Now? This is... Now you're
gonna bring up realism, after...
This is a hell of a time to...
I know one thing, that a huge, big, wet kiss
would go a long way to selling this idea.
I'm very serious.
I think this is a big, big finish, you know?
It just killed me. Did you feel that?
I think it was great.
I just can't believe the stuff
he gets into. It's so deep.
All that stuff about life and how
everybody should love each other.
I mean, you know, he's telling
us heavy, original things here.
He's very heavy.
He's always been heavy.
What did you think the
significance of the Rolls-Royce was?
- I think that's... It represents his car.
- Really?
- I'm fat. I look...
- Fat? Come on, you're not fat.
I am. I mean, it's just so ridiculous.
I'm gonna have to go on another diet.
And I tried to play the role sympathetically,
but the role was just too thin.
He said to me, wear this
mustache. It'll be funny.
So I listened to him.
- You looked so beautiful.
- Thank you. But you can hear me?
- Can you hear my English?
- Your English was fine.
No, it was fine. Did you find...
By the way, I wanna ask you.
Did you find when you did, like,
kissing scenes with him, did you not...
Did he open his mouth with you
and wiggle his tongue around?
Yes, he did.
- And he never lets you go.
- It's the most irritating thing, right?
It's funny.
It's amazing, Rash. From
this he makes a living?
I like a melodrama, a
musical comedy with a plot.