1
( men )
IT'S A LONG WAY
TO TIPPERARY
IT'S A LONG WAY
TO GO
IT'S A LONG WAY
TO TIPPERARY
( men chattering )
( Ibrahim )
11:15.
THE COLONEL LASTED
TILL MIDNIGHT LAST YEAR.
REMEMBER, SIR?
( man )
WELL, NOT BAD
FOR HIS AGE.
( Ibrahim laughing )
EASY NOW FELLOWS,
EASY, EASY.
GET HIM IN THERE.
IBRAHIM.
( in Hindi )
TAKE MR. TUSKER
TO LUCY MEMSAAB QUICKLY.
( men )
FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW
FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW
FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW
SO SAY ALL OF US
( people chattering )
( man speaking Hindi )
WHAT IS THE MATTER?
THE COLONEL IS LEAVING
SO EARLY TODAY?
( all laughing )
( speaking Hindi )
COME ON, COME ON.
WATCH, WATCH, WATCH.
COME, COME,
CAREFUL, CAREFUL.
COME ON,
OK, WELL DONE.
COME ON, COME ON,
THERE, THERE.
( dogs barking )
THE BADA KHANA AT THE MESS
WAS GRAND, MEMSAAB.
( speaking Hindi )
MUST YOU SHAME US LIKE THIS
EVERY YEAR?
OH, BALLS, LUCY.
DON'T YOU KNOW INDIA YET?
( Indian classical music
playing )
( people chattering )
( birds chirping )
( Tusker grunting )
( crashing )
( Tusker sighing )
( grunting )
TUSKER?
TUSKER?
MMM.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
( moaning )
( bell ringing )
( in Hindi )
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SAAB IS CALLING.
I AM COMING,
I AM COMING, MEMSAAB,
MEMSAAB.
OH, IBRAHIM, HURRY, PLEASE.
IT'S THE SAAB.
OH, WHAT... WHA WAS IT, IBRAHIM?
BLANKET, MEMSAAB.
I... I CALLED DR. MITRA.
THAT'S THE FIRST THING
I DID.
( moaning )
COME ON, SAAB.
( groaning )
( muttering )
COME, SAAB.
( Tusker groaning )
( in Hindi )
MEMSAAB IS VERY WORRIED.
SAAB'S BEEN UNCONSCIOUS
SINCE THIS MORNING.
OH, DR. MITRA.
GOOD MORNING, MRS. SMALLEY.
WELL, COL. SMALLEY,
OLD BOY.
NOT FEELING TOO GOOD, EH?
WHOA.
( in Hindi )
THERE'S BEEN MAJOR TROUBLE.
SAAB HAS HAD A HEART ATTACK.
COL. SMALLEY,
HEART TROUBLE.
I'M AFRAID
IT'S GOING TO BE...
A LONG HAUL.
THANK YOU.
BUT HE WILL...
HE WILL BE...
REST, THAT'S THE MAIN THING.
AND NO BOOZE.
SO, THE OLD MAN IS NOT DYING
AFTER ALL.
NO, MEMSAAB.
( in Hindi )
BUT HE IS ILL
AGAIN TODAY.
PITY.
( scoffing )
IT IS COL. SMALLEY
WHO IS GIVING ME
MY MIGRAINE, DOCTOR.
OH.
I'M SURE OF IT.
TENANTS ARE ALWAYS
SO MUCH TROUBLE.
ALWAYS ONE LITTLE THING
AFTER ANOTHER.
AS BAD AS SERVANTS.
OLD MALI, THE GARDENER,
WAS A LAZY DEVIL AND A CROOK.
ALWAYS WORKING
IN COL. SMALLEY'S GARDEN
AND NOT MINE.
BUT I CAUGHT HIM...
SELLING PRODUCE
FROM THE KITCHEN GARDEN
IN THE BAZAAR,
SO WE HAVE NONE
AND HAVE TO BUY IT BACK AGAIN.
( screaming )
PLEASE, MRS. BHOOLABHOY,
( in Hindi )
DON'T MOVE.
YOU MUST NOT MOVE.
SHH.
WE'RE HAVING A NEW POLICY
AT SMITH'S HOTEL, DOCTOR.
RETRENCHMENT.
FIRST WAS GETTING RID
OF THAT OLD MALI,
AND 2ND IS GETTING RID
OF THOSE SMALLEYS.
WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENED
TO THE GARDEN?
HASN'T OLD MALI BEEN?
I REALLY DON'T KNOW,
TUSKER, DEAR.
I'VE BEEN SO BUSY WITH...
IBRAHIM!
SAAB?
HAS THAT SON OF A MALI
BEEN TODAY?
NO, SAAB.
OR YESTERDAY?
NO, SAAB.
OR FOR THE LAST 10 DAYS?
NO, NO, SAAB.
THE GARDEN LOOKS ALL RIGH TO ME, TUSKER.
IBRAHIM IS MAKING YOU
SOME NICE BROTH.
OF COURSE,
IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT.
I ONLY HAVE TO BE ILL
FOR A FEW DAYS FOR THE PLACE
TO LOOK LIKE A JUNGLE.
DON'T EXAGGERATE, TUSKER.
IT'S THAT BLOODY
BHOOLABHOY WOMAN'S FAULT,
UP THERE.
JUST WAIT TILL BILLY BOY
GETS BACK FROM RANPUR.
I'LL HAVE HER GUTS
FOR GARTERS.
I EXPECT THE MALI'S BEEN ILL,
THAT'S ALL.
NOT THE POINT.
NOT THE POINT.
IT'S THAT WOMAN'S JOB TO SEE
THAT MY GRASS IS CU AND MY FLOWERS
ARE WATERED EVERY DAY.
EVERY DAY
OF THE BLOODY YEAR.
IT'S IN THE LEASE.
BRING ME THE BLOODY BOX.
NICE BROTH FIRST,
BLOODY BOX LATER,
BUT NOT TODAY.
NOW, IF WE DRINK UP
ALL OUR NICE BROTH,
AND THEN HAVE A GOOD SLEEP
THIS AFTERNOON,
WHO KNOWS, WE MIGHT HAVE
A NICE ARROWROOT BISCUI FOR TEA.
NO, NO, NO,
NO ARROWROOT, MEMSAAB,
ONLY GATEAU.
OH. WELL,
THEN A NICE DIGESTIVE,
TUSKER, DEAR.
IT APPALLS ME.
WHAT DOES?
A WOMAN OF NEARLY 70,
TALKING LIKE A CHILD OF 7.
WONDER WHAT'S KEEPING
BILLY BOY SO LONG.
( Indian rock music playing )
( rattling )
( groaning )
( groaning )
TSK.
( coughing )
HMM.
EUREKA!
SAAB, SAAB WANTS?
WANTS? WANTS NOTHING.
HAS FOUND.
WHERE'S MEMSAAB?
UH, GONE FOR PRESCRIPTION.
AH. WELL, NOW, WE'LL SEE.
WON'T WE JUST SEE.
I'LL SUE THAT FAT BITCH
BHOOLABHOY FROM ASSHOLE
TO CHRISTMAS.
( groaning )
HA!
( clearing throat )
WASTE NOT, WANT NOT.
OH, BLOODY HELL!
( Tusker coughing )
AHEM.
SAAB.
( Lucy humming )
MEMSAAB!
MEMSAAB, MEMSAAB,
COLONEL SAAB NOT WELL.
OH.
DID WE WAKEN US
FROM OUR LITTLE NAP?
WE WERE NOT HAVING
OUR LITTLE NAP.
WE WERE PLOTTING
OUR LITTLE PLOTS,
AND PLANNING OUR LITTLE PLANS.
PLANS FOR WHAT,
TUSKER, DEAR?
MURDER.
AND WHO IS TO BE
THE UNHAPPY VICTIM?
I CAN'T READ THAT, DEAR,
I HAVEN'T GOT MY SPECTACLES.
"DEAR COL. SMALLEY,
"MR. BHOOLABHOY
HAS EXPLAINED YOUR OBJECTION
TO PROPOSED RENT INCREASE.
"I AGREE THEREFORE TO RENEW
TENANCY OF LODGE
"ON SAME TERMS AND CONDITIONS
AS STATED IN CLAUSE 2,
CURRENT AGREEMENT.
"NOW, OTHERWISE
EXPIRING JUNE 30TH.
SIGNED,
MRS. BHOOLABHOY, PROP."
BUT YOU WERE
PLEASED AT THE TIME.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO OBJEC TO THIS LETTER.
2 HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE,
YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT,
TUSKER.
IT MEANS THAT WE NO LONGER
HAVE THE SERVICE OF THE MALI.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO HIRE OUR OWN MALI
TO CUT THE SODDING GRASS.
ONLY WE'RE NOT HIRING ONE,
EXPECT OVER MY DEAD BODY.
BUT THE GRASS
IS MRS. BHOOLABHOY'S
RESPONSIBILITY.
IT SAYS SO IN THE LEASE.
WE HAVEN'T HAD A LEASE,
SINCE LAST JULY.
WE'VE ONLY HAD THIS
CONNING, BLOODY LETTER.
( clearing throat )
WHAT THE SAAB IS SAYING,
UH, MEMSAAB, I THINK, IS
THAT PROPRIETOR'S LETTER
LAST YEAR,
RENEWING TENANCY
UNTIL JUNE 30TH NEXT,
REFERRED ONLY TO RENEWAL
OF TERMS AND CONDITIONS
AS STATED IN CLAUSE 2,
ALL OTHER CLAUSES
NOT BEING RENEWED.
FOR EXAMPLE, PERHAPS
PROPRIETOR'S RESPONSIBILITY
FOR UPKEEP OF GARDEN,
ISN'T IT?
OH, IBRAHIM.
HOW QUICK YOU ARE.
TOO BLOODY QUICK BY HALF.
SO YOU CAN GO.
GET OUT. BLOODY CROOK.
WHAT HAVE I DONE, SAAB?
YOU'VE BEEN
DISLOYAL.
YOU DIDN'T SEE THE POSITION
LIKE THAT IN A SPLIT SECOND.
YOU'VE KNOWN ABOUT I ALL ALONG.
WHAT THE SAAB SAYS,
THE SAAB SAYS.
BUT WHAT THE SAAB SAYS
IS NOT IN ACCORDANCE
WITH FACTS.
GET OUT.
SOD OFF.
GO ON, BUGGER OFF.
OH, TUSKER.
HOW COULD YOU TREA POOR IBRAHIM SO UNKINDLY,
AFTER THE WAY HE SLAVED FOR US
WHILE YOU WERE POOR?
HE'S LISTENING,
YOU BLOODY FOOL.
HE NEVER LISTENS.
HE'S GOT TOO MUCH PRIDE.
IF YOU HAD ANY PRIDE,
YOU'D WRITE TO
MRS. BHOOLABHOY,
AND ASK HER INTENTIONS
WITH REGARD TO THE STATE
OF THE GARDEN.
NO. NEVER.
HAVE HER DRAW
MY ATTENTION TO THE LETTER,
MAKE ME LOOK A PERFECT FOOL
FOR NOT SPOTTING HER CHICANERY
LAST JULY.
WELL, THEN FORGET ABOUT I TILL BILLY BOY COMES HOME.
FAT LOT OF GOOD THAT LITTLE
HENPECKED MAN CAN DO
IF THE BITCH HAS MADE UP
HER MIND.
( in Hindi )
OK, DINANATH.
THANK YOU, SAAB.
LEELA, MY LOVE,
I'M HOME.
YOUR FRANKIE'S HOME.
LEELA, MY LOVE.
ARE YOU AWAKE?
YOUR FRANKIE'S HOME.
FRANKIE.
LEELA.
( laughing )
LATER, FRANKIE, LATER.
HA! HEH.
TUSKER.
HELLO.
COLONEL.
BILLY BOY.
WHEN DID YOU
GET BACK?
THIS AFTERNOON.
AND, UH, OH, I BROUGHT THESE
FOR MRS. SMALLEY.
OH, YOU SHOULDN'T,
MR. BHOOLABHOY.
EVERY TIME YOU COME BACK,
YOU BRING ME A PRESENT.
( laughing )
IT'S NOTHING, REALLY.
IT'S FOR ALL
THE HAPPY EVENINGS
I SPENT HERE WITH THE COLONEL.
HAD A GAY OLD TIME
IN JOLLY RANPUR, DID YOU?
UH, YES, NOT BAD.
NOT TOO BAD, REALLY.
COME ON, HAVE A DRINK.
IBRAHIM!
( sighing )
I HEAR YOU'VE NOT BEEN
TOO WELL, COLONEL.
OH, NO, NO, NOTHING SERIOUS.
I'M FINE NOW.
IBRAHIM, BRING OU THE GIN AND LIME.
UH, TUSKER SAAB.
BILLY BOY, BAK, BAK, BAK.
AND SOME BISCUITS, PLEASE,
IBRAHIM.
COMING, MEMSAAB.
( inaudible )
WELL, NOW, TELL US
ALL ABOUT IT.
YOU STAYED
AT THE RANPUR SHIRAZ,
DIDN'T YOU?
YES, I DID,
AS A MATTER OF FACT.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THESE
NEW HOTELS ARE LIKE.
CONCRETE SLABS,
CONCRETE BLOCKS.
NO CHARM,
NO PERSONAL SERVICE.
NOT LIKE SMITH'S
IN THE OLD DAYS.
THANK YOU.
PANKOT STATION,
8:00 IN THE MORNING.
THE STAFF WAITING
FOR THE NEW ARRIVALS.
EVERYBODY HUNGRY
FOR BREAKFAST, AND THEN
INTO THE TONGAS
AND UP TO SMITH'S
IN DOUBLE QUICK TIME
WITH THE LUGGAGE FOLLOWING:
TRUNKS, CASES,
LADIES' LITTLE BOXES.
OH, HAT BOXES.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW,
THESE SHIRAZ HOTELS
ARE ALL THE SAME.
ONLY AFTER YOUR MONEY.
WHAT ABOUT THE GO-GO INN?
DID YOU "GO-GO" IN?
V-VERY GOOD,
THAT'S VERY GOOD,
VERY GOOD INDEED.
GO-GO INN.
WELL, YOU SEE,
YES, I DID GLANCE IN,
ONCE IN A WHILE,
TO SEE WHAT IT WAS LIKE.
AND WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
NOT IN FRON OF MRS. SMALLEY.
( men laughing )
( music playing on radio )
( laughing )
WELL, TIME FOR BEDDY-BYES,
COLONEL.
OH.
( both groaning )
MRS. SMALLEY,
THANK YOU.
WELL, NO PROBLEMS, THEN,
WHILE I'VE BEEN AWAY?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
JUST THE TICKER.
( Frankie )
THAT'S GOOD.
GOOD NIGHT, MRS. SMALLEY.
GOOD NIGHT.
THANK YOU, COLONEL, AGAIN.
GOOD NIGHT,
OLD CHAP.
( sighing )
( panting )
TUSKER, WHY ON EARTH
DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?
YOU... YOU CAN LOCK UP
NOW, IBRAHIM.
WE'RE GOING TO BED.
TUSKER.
( whimpering )
( crying )
TUSKER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU MUSTN'T BE UPSET.
( whimpering )
WHAT DOES IT MATTER
ABOUT A LITTLE BIT OF GRASS?
OH, SILLY, SILLY TUSKER.
WHO CARES IF IT'S CUT OR NOT,
SO LONG AS IT'S NOT CU FOR BOTH OF US.
SO LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER.
( crying )
LUCY, LUCY.
LUCY.
( birds chirping )
OH, MEMSAAB.
WE ARE PEOPLE
IN SHADOW, IBRAHIM.
MAY I CONFIDE IN YOU?
OH, ABSOLUTELY, MEMSAAB.
WHEN A MAN WHO'S BEEN ACTIVE
ALL HIS LIFE
SUDDENLY BECOMES
INACTIVE...
I NEED A YOUNG MAN.
A BOY WOULD DO.
DO YOU KNOW OF ONE?
MEMSAAB?
WELL, I WOULD PAY HIM
REASONABLY,
OR RATHER, I WOULD PAY YOU
FOR PROCURING HIM,
AND YOU WOULD
PAY HIM FOR ME.
SAHIB MUST NOT KNOW
THIS ARRANGEMENT.
WH-WHAT SORT OF BOY,
MEMSAAB?
OH, ANY SORT WOULD DO,
SO LONG AS HE IS STRONG
AND WILLING,
AND NOT TOO EXPENSIVE.
UH, IF NECESSARY,
HE COULD LIVE HERE,
SO AS TO BE ON HAND
WHEN NEEDED.
BUT THERE IS A SNAG.
THERE'S THE QUESTION
OF TOOLS.
MR. BHOOLABHOY
MAY HAVE TO BE A PARTY
TO THIS ARRANGEMEN AND LEND HIS.
IN FACT, THE BOY MUST APPEAR
TO BE MR. BHOOLABHOY'S BOY.
AND THIS, PLEASE, IS JUS TO BE AN INTERIM
ARRANGEMEN UNTIL THE SAHIB
IS HIMSELF AGAIN
AND I CAN CONFESS EVERYTHING.
SURELY, BETWEEN US
WE COULD FIND SUCH A BOY.
I THINK SO, MEMSAAB.
I MEAN, HE COULD BE OF USE
TO YOU, TOO, IN ODD WAYS.
BUT CHIEFLY TO ME,
I WANT A BOY WHO CAN
MOW THE LAWN
AND WATER THE FLOWERS.
YES, YES, MEMSAAB.
"WHAT A TANGLED WEB
WE WEAVE, WHEN FIRS WE PRACTICE TO DECEIVE."
I FIND THESE LITTLE PLOTS
AND PLANS
QUITE FOREIGN TO MY NATURE.
BUT CAN'T BE HELPED.
DR. MITRA SAYS
THE COLONEL SAAB
MUST NOT GET EXCITED.
OH, YES, MEMSAAB,
BUT WHEN COLONEL SAAB
RED IN THE FACE, IT IS
VERY GOOD FOR CIRCULATION.
I'M AFRAID
DR. MITRA SAYS NOT.
I DON'T WANT TO LOSE
MY HUSBAND, IBRAHIM.
NO, MEMSAAB.
( mumbling )
( Frankie )
HIS NAME IS JOSEPH.
HE'S A CHRISTIAN.
HE SAYS A LITTLE PRAYER
FOR THE SOUL OF THE DEPARTED,
AND HE READS THE NAMES,
SO THAT GOD WILL HEAR THEM
PROPERLY,
AND THE SOULS WILL NO GET MIXED UP.
JOSEPH.
COME, THERE IS
A PROSPECT.
( muttering )
( lawn mower squeaking )
CRAP.
IBRAHIM.
COMING, MEMSAAB.
WAGES.
ABOUT THE LAWN, IBRAHIM.
BADA SAAB HASN' SAID ANYTHING, BUT I THINK
HE'S VERY PLEASED.
HE'S LOOKING MUCH BETTER.
FOR THE GARDEN.
YES, MEMSAAB.
AND TONIGHT,
I SHALL GO TO THE PICTURES.
PLEASE BOOK MY SEA FOR THE 2ND SHOW.
YES, MEMSAAB, REPEAT SHOWING:
BUTCH CASSIDY, SUNDANCE KID,
ROBERT REDFORD, PAUL NEWMAN.
OH, YES, OF COURSE WE SAW I LAST YEAR, DIDN'T WE?
SUCH GOOD ACTORS.
TRY AND GE MY USUAL SEAT, PLEASE.
YES, MEMSAAB.
THANK YOU.
( Java Jive by
The Ink Spots playing )
I love coffee, I love tea
I love the java jive
and it loves me
coffee and tea
and the java and me
a cup, a cup,
a cup, a cup, a cup!
IBRAHIM!
AH, RAM BHAROSE.
Sweet and hot
whoops, Mr. Moto,
I'm a coffee pot
( in Hindi )
WHEN DID YOU COME?
HOW ARE YOU?
OOH, A LETTER FROM ABROAD.
A cup, a cup,
a cup, a cup, a cup!
Oh, slip me a slug
from the wonderful mug
OH.
DAAK, MEMSAAB.
OH.
( people chattering )
( flute playing )
WHAT A SHOCK.
( in Hindi )
HERE, TAKE.
WHAT IS THIS "BUGGER OFF,"
IBRAHIM?
OH, THESE ARE VERY OLD
( in Hindi )
GO AWAY, RUN.
LIKEWISE, "PISS OFF."
BUT THESE ARE SACRED PHRASES,
NEVER TO BE USED BY YOU OR ME
WHEN SPEAKING OF THEM.
( in Hindi )
UNDERSTOOD?
SO, I BUGGER OFF.
BUT NEXT MORNING,
THERE'S NO TEA
TO WAKE THEM UP.
NO PORRIDGE FOR A COLD
WINTER MORNING.
BUT PRESENTLY,
SAAB COMES TO ME,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?",
HE SAYS.
"WAITING FOR PAY,"
I SAY, "SAAB."
"WHY SHOULD I PAY YOU
WHEN YOU'RE NOT DOING
YOUR BLOODY WORK?"
SO, THEN I KNOW
I'M REINSTATED.
( in Hindi )
UNDERSTOOD?
( laughing )
WHAT HAPPENS
IF YOU ARE PUSHED BY SAAB?
TSK, TSK, TSK.
NOT PUSHED, GIVEN PUSH,
GIVEN PUSH, GET IDIOM RIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENS
IF YOU ARE GIVEN PUSH?
WHO THEN MAKES
THE PORRIDGE?
OH, NOT YOU, NOT YOU,
JOSEPH BETE. IF I'M SACKED,
YOU ALSO ARE SACKED.
YOU ARE NO SMALLEY SAAB'S BOY,
YOU ARE MY BOY.
YOU ARE IBRAHIM'S BOY.
( in Hindi )
UNDERSTOOD?
( in Hindi )
HE LOOKS LIKE
A DONKEY.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY SHAME?
AT THIS AGE YOU ARE
ASPIRING FOR A BOY?
WHAT ARE YOU BLABBERING?
NONSENSE.
"NONSENSE."
DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY,
"YOU ARE MY BOY?"
THE WHOLE WORLD HEARD IT.
DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF
THE WHOLE WORLD, HUH?
I NEVER SAID ANYTHING.
TAKE NO NOTICE
OF HER, HUH.
BUGGER OFF.
( dog panting )
( birds chirping )
TUSKER. TUSKER.
HELLO, OLD THING.
A LETTER.
A... A LETTER FROM SARAH LAYTON.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A VISITOR.
OH, NO.
NO MORE VISITORS.
NOT AFTER THAT WOMAN
FROM TEXAS CALLED YOU "HONEY."
NO, NO. THIS IS
A MR. TURNER.
HE WANTS TO MEE PEOPLE LIKE US
WHO STAYED ON.
HE'S INTERESTED
IN EVERYTHING
ABOUT THE OLD INDIA.
UH, ANOTHER
YOUNG LAYABOUT, YOU MEAN.
SWARMING AROUND THE WORLD
AT THE TAX PAYER'S EXPENSE.
WE OUGHT TO WRITE TO COOK'S.
HAVE THEM PUT US
ON THEIR TOURIST ITINERARY.
AFTER THE TAJ MAHAL
AND THE BEACH TEMPLE
AT MAHABALIPURAM,
SEE THE SMALLEYS
OF PANKOT.
I COULD PUT ON MY PITH HELMET,
YOU CAN PLAY MAHJONG,
IBRAHIM CAN COLLECT THE MONEY
AT THE DOOR
AND GUARD THE BLOODY SHOES.
WE HAVE TO SEE HIM,
FOR OLD TIMES SAKE.
NO, WE DON'T.
WE ARE NO MONUMENTS YET, LUCY.
MR. TURNER CAN SOD OFF.
BE NICE TO HAVE
SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
WHAT'S THE DO FOR LUNCH?
HAS YOUR WALK
MADE YOU HUNGRY?
DON'T WANT BROTH,
SICK OF BLOODY BROTH.
( panting )
LET'S GO TO THE SHIRAZ.
BUT IT'S SO
EXPENSIVE.
BUGGER THE EXPENSE.
PUT ON YOUR GLAD RAGS.
WE'D LIKE A TABLE
NEAR THE WINDOW, WAITER.
HMM, GOOD TO GET AWAY
FROM THAT BLOODY DIN.
ALL RIGHT, LUCE,
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE?
OH.
WELL, I THINK
THE SOUP OF THE DAY,
DON'T YOU?
NOT UNLESS
YOU WANT TO KILL ME OFF
FOR GOOD.
STOP LOOKING
AT THE TABLE D'HOTE.
LET'S GO FOR THE A LA CARTE.
SHH.
IN FOR A PENNY,
IN FOR A POUND.
HAVE WHAT YOU LIKE, LUCE,
AND DON'T LOOK AT THE RUPEES.
I'LL HAVE
WHAT YOU'LL HAVE, TUSKER.
BUT HONESTLY,
I'M NOT VERY HUNGRY.
AND REMEMBER
WHAT DR. MITRA SAID:
PLEASE BE CIRCUMSPECT.
BUGGER DR. MITRA.
COME BACK
IN 5 MINUTES.
RIGHT,
WE START WITH THE PRAWNS,
SHALL WE?
( giggles )
HE'S A VERY NICE YOUNG MAN,
AND WANTS TO KNOW
EVERYTHING YOU CAN TELL HIM
ABOUT INDIA.
WELL, MR. TURNER,
INDIA IS SUN.
SUN, SUN.
AND WOMEN NEED SUN... OR A SON.
AND TUSKER,
THERE WAS A SUN OF THAT KIND,
WHEN I FIRST KNEW HIM.
( birds chirping )
HELLO, OLD MAN.
THANK GOD
FOR SATURDAY NIGHTS.
( laughing )
NO LADIES, EH, COLONEL?
YOU KNOW, MR. TURNER,
TUSKER'S BEHAVIOR
WAS IMPECCABLE IN THOSE DAYS.
NOT FLAMBOYANT.
NO SWEARING,
VERY IMAGE OF RELIABILITY.
THAT WAS BEFORE
HE HAD WHAT I CALL HIS...
PERSONALITY CHANGE.
DEAR MRS. SMALLEY.
SHE LOVES THE FLICKS,
DOESN'T SHE?
OH, ANY OLD RUBBISH.
( laughing )
NOW TUSKER AND I DO NO TRULY COMMUNICATE ANYMORE.
IT'S AS IF WE LIVED
SEPARATE LIVES
UNDER THE SAME ROOF.
WELL, OF COURSE, LUCY
WAS HAPPIER WHEN WE
WERE POSTED TO MADHPUR.
BLOODY GREAT BUNGALOW
IN THE GROUNDS
OF THE PALACE.
THE USE OF ONE OF THE DAIMLERS
WITH THE LITTLE RED CHAUFFEUR.
AH! THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
I WAS ADMINISTRATIVE ADVISOR
TO THE COMMANDER
OF THE STATE FORCES
OF MADHPUR.
SOME SUCH BLOODY TITLE.
( both laughing )
NEVER
REGIMENTALLY EMPLOYED
AGAIN, THANK GOD.
THE COLONEL WAS FURIOUS
BECAUSE I HAD MARRIED
WITHOUT HIS APPROVAL.
APPROVAL? GREAT SCOTT!
I WAS PUSHING 40!
( laughing )
AND LUCY DIDN'T HELP MATTERS
BY TELLING THE COLONEL'S LADY
SHE'D BEEN A TYPIST!
OH, MY GOD!
( Lucy )
IT WAS LOVELY
IN MADHPUR, MR. TURNER.
I WANTED NEVER,
NEVER TO LEAVE IT.
BUT WE DID LEAVE.
AND THEN WE DECIDED
TO STAY ON.
( sighing )
WHY DO THEY SAY
INDIA HAS A HOT CLIMATE?
( both laughing )
AH! THANK YOU.
WHAT WAS I
TALKING ABOUT?
OH, UH, ABOU THE JOB, I THINK.
AH! I, UH, YES...
I ALWAYS, DELIBERATELY,
TRIED TO, UH, KEEP A...
WHAT... WHAT NOWADAYS
IS KNOWN AS A...
A LOW PROFILE.
( sighing )
I WANTED...
TO BE THOUGHT DULL.
DULL, AND
THOROUGHLY RELIABLE
AT THE DESKWORK, WHICH...
OFFICERS USUALLY
AFFECTED TO DESPISE.
SORTING OU EVERYBODY'S, UH,
BALLS UPS.
( both laughing )
( groaning )
WHEN THEY SENT ME UP HERE
TO AREA HEADQUARTERS,
I TOOK ONE LOOK
AT THE PLACE AND THOUGHT,
"A NICE SCENERY,
GOOD CLIMATE.
"THIS IS THE PLACE
I'M GOING TO DIG IN
FOR THE DURATION."
( Lucy )
CAN'T GO OUT AT NIGHT,
MR. TURNER.
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN IN DELHI
FOR INDEPENDENCE.
THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.
WHEN THE SUN CAME OU FOR THE FINAL TIME.
ONLY IT WAS MIDNIGHT.
THE SECRET IS:
MAKE THE JOB LOOK MORE...
COMPLICATED THAN IT IS.
OK.
YES, NOTHING
TOO ENTHUSIASTIC.
OH, GOD, NO!
ENTHUSIASM IS JUST ABOU THE MOST BLOODY RUINOUS THING
I CAN THINK OF.
( sighing )
I SAY, OH, UH,
THIS, UH, NEW CLERIC
OF YOURS
AT ST. JOHN'S,
I HOPE HE'S NO AN ENTHUSIAST.
CLE... NO, NO,
NO, NO.
HE'S AN ANGLO-CATHOLIC.
OH.
FROM SOUTH INDIA,
YOU KNOW.
HMM.
BLACK AS MY HAT.
HMM!
CALL'S HIMSELF
FATHER SEBASTIAN.
OH, GOD!
OH, LET'S
KILL THE BOTTLE.
ALL RIGHT, COLONEL.
( honking )
( people chattering )
MEMSAAB. MEMSAAB?
CINEMA, MEMSAAB.
( Lucy )
OH!
OH, THANK YOU, IBRAHIM.
( car door closing )
( people chattering )
( church bell chiming )
( humming )
( crow cawing )
I REALLY SHOULD
ASSEMBLE THESE
PROPERLY, IN AN ALBUM,
MR. TURNER.
NOW, LET ME SEE...
( Tusker )
HA!
OH, YES, HERE WE ARE.
MADHPUR.
NOW, THERE'S THE PALACE.
( giggling )
AND THERE ARE THE ELEPHANTS.
THAT'S MY HUSBAND.
OH, YES, WE HAD
ELEPHANTS, MR. TURNER.
OH, YES, THAT'S
A BEACH PARTY.
WE HAD...
( Tusker )
HA!
LUCY!
AS I WAS SAYING,
MR. TURNER...
LUCE, LUCY!
COMING.
I'M COMING.
AH! THERE YOU ARE.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON
BURIED AT ST. JOHN'S?
EDGAR MAYBRICK.
( laughing )
YOU SEE, HE COULDN' EVEN GET THAT RIGHT.
MAYBRICK SAYS HERE
THAT IT WAS OLD MABEL LAYTON.
BUT TUSKER, DEAR, I THINK
MAYBRICK WAS BURIED AFTER
HE'D WRITTEN HIS LITTLE BOOK.
OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE,
I'M NOT SUCH A BLOODY FOOL
AS NOT TO REALIZE THAT!
THEN WHAT IS
YOUR PROBLEM, TUSKER?
IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
IT'S MAYBRICK'S PROBLEM,
NOT MINE.
AND YOU HAD TO CALL ME
OUT HERE, JUS TO TELL ME THAT?
REALLY, TUSKER. SOMETIMES
YOUR DELIBERATE OBFUSCATION.
OBFUS... WHAT?
OBFUSCATION.
IT'S A WORD
CURRENTLY POPULAR AMONG
CRITICS OF GOVERNMENT.
YOU OBFUSCATE,
YOU STUPEFY,
YOU BEWILDER ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE
OR WHAT I AM
WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
YOU KNOW
PERFECTLY WELL.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
HIGHLY MACABRE
FOR MAYBRICK
TO SAY HE WAS THE LAS PERSON BURIED
IN ST. JOHN'S,
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS
AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
'CAUSE THERE'S NO MORE ROOM.
YES, THERE IS.
THERE'S A NICE LITTLE SPACE
IN THE SOUTH-WEST CORNER.
ENOUGH FOR 2 IF THEY
DIG DEEP ENOUGH.
TUSKER, WILL YOU
LISTEN TO ME?
WELL?
I HAVE NO FRIENDS.
ALL OUR FRIENDS
ARE YOUR FRIENDS, NOT MINE.
AND, YES, I WILL SAY IT,
THEY ARE ALL BLACK.
IF YOU HAD NOT RECOVERED
FROM YOUR ATTACK,
DO YOU REALIZE THA I SHOULD'VE BEEN
ALONE HERE? ALONE?
AND HAVING TO RELY
ON PEOPLE WHO TRULY
DO NOT CARE FOR ME.
YOU'RE PISSED, LUCE.
I AM NOT, AS YOU
SO CRUDELY PUT IT, PISSED.
I SHALL NOT RAISE
THE MATTER AGAIN AND I DO NO WISH TO DISCUSS IT FURTHER.
BUT I SHOULD
BE GRATEFUL
IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND
AS TO MAKE IT PLAIN
THE POSITION I SHOULD BE IN,
WERE YOU TO HAVE
ANOTHER ATTACK
AND NOT SURVIVE.
AND INSTEAD OF MAKING ABSURD
NOTES ABOUT MR. MAYBRICK'S
INOFFENSIVE LITTLE BOOK,
YOU WOULD MAKE PLAIN
THE FINANCIAL POSITION
I SHOULD BE IN,
WERE I TO FIND MYSELF HERE
ALONE AND WEEPING
AMID THE ALIEN CORN.
( crows cawing )
( humming )
( in Hindi )
FROM WHEN...
YOU CALL THIS CLEAN?
SORRY, MANAGER SAAB,
I'LL CLEAN IT AGAIN.
CLEAN IT, ALL RIGHT?
HELLO, MANAGER SAAB.
( in Hindi )
THE WORK IS ALL DONE.
WE HAVE MADE
VERY GOOD PROGRESS.
HAVE YOU?
OH, FRANKIE!
POUR ME A DRINK,
FRANKIE DARLING.
I'M DYING OF THIRST.
WITH ALL THIS
QUESTION, ANSWER,
CHECKING, CHECKING.
ACCOUNTANTS...
AND HAVE ONE
YOURSELF, TOO.
SO MUCH RIGMAROLE WITH...
"WHERETO FORS"
AND "AS BEFORE SAIDS."
( sighing )
I FEEL WORN TO A SHADOW.
CHEERS!
CHEERS!
AH!
I'M EXHAUSTED.
OH, BUT IT'S ALL
SETTLED NOW.
SIGNED AND WITNESSED.
W-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,
LEELA, MY LOVE.
"SETTLED, SIGNED
AND WITNESSED"?
IT MEANS, FRANKIE...
HMM?
THAT, AT LAST, I AM GOING
TO MAKE SOME REAL MONEY.
COME, TELL ME
THAT YOU LOVE ME.
WHAT IS MONEY,
IF ONE IS NOT LOVED?
( crying )
OH, LEELA, LEELA, MY LOVE.
FRANKIE...
LATER, FRANKIE, LATER.
LEELA?
HMM?
HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO MAKE THIS REAL MONEY?
SHH! IT IS A SECRET.
OH?
NO ONE MUST KNOW.
BUT I SHALL
TELL YOU, FRANKIE.
I AM BUYING INTO
THE SHIRAZ CONSORTIUM.
AND HOW DOES ONE BUY
INTO A CONSORTIUM?
BUY, SELL.
I HAVE THE SIGHT,
THE VIEW.
WITH THIS,
THEY SHARE WITH ME
THE SHIRAZ,
THE PALACE OF MADHPUR,
YES, THE GO-GO
AND MORE, MORE.
HAVE YOU SOLD THE HOTEL?
WE SHALL BE RICH, FRANKIE.
WE SHALL GO TO MUMBAI,
DELHI, MADRAS, CALCUTTA,
LONDON, PARIS, NEW YORK.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO ALL THESE PLACES,
LEELA, MY LOVE.
NO?
NO.
I WANT TO STAY HERE
IN PANKOT.
I ONLY WANT TO MANAGE
THIS HOTEL.
AN IMPROVEMENT HERE,
AN IMPROVEMENT THERE.
DECORATORS.
NEW CURTAINS.
CUTLERY. PUKKA FITTINGS
FOR THE BATHROOMS.
MODEST WANTS.
THE HOTEL IS NOTHING.
ONLY THE SITE
IS WORTH ANYTHING.
THE SITE?
( scoffs )
WHAT OF THE GOODWILL?
SINGLE-HANDED, I'VE MAINTAINED
THE GOODWILL.
AND NOW, YOU DON' EVEN CONSULT ME,
YOUR OWN HUSBAND.
GOODWILL? GOODWILL!
( paper rustling )
SOMETIMES YOU
ARE A FOOL, BUT...
THE CROOKS!
WE MUST MAKE THEM
PAY FOR GOODWILL.
GO AND FETCH PANDEY.
BUT LEELA....
WHAT OF THE LODGE?
PEOPLE ARE LIVING THERE.
THE SMALLEYS, MY FRIENDS,
ARE LIVING THERE.
HERE, ALSO,
IS ONE PERSON LIVING,
SURROUNDED BY FOOLS
AND BY CROOKS.
GET PANDEY!
( utensils clattering )
( exclaiming )
YOU GO
AND FETCH HIM YOURSELF.
YOU ARE IN BETTER VOICE
THAN I AM.
AND YOU
WILL PAY FOR THIS,
FRANK BHOOLABHOY.
DEAR JESUS, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
( people singing in Hindi )
( singing in Hindi )
( Leela )
HELLO, WELCOME.
HAPPY HOLI.
HELLO, HELLO.
SAME TO YOU.
AND YOU CAN' GET AWAY WITHOUT TIKKA.
HOW ARE YOU? HAPPY HOLI.
HAPPY HOLI TO YOU, TOO.
HELLO, COOCOO,
WHERE'S THE BAR?
OH, WHERE IT ALWAYS IS.
HELLO. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SARI.
HAPPY HOLI.
( woman in Hindi )
IT'S SUCH FUN. AMAZING FOOD,
AND EVERYTHING IS...
( people greeting each other )
HELLO, MANOJ,
AND A HAPPY HOLI TO YOU.
HELLO, AUNTY, WHERE'S NIKKI?
NIKKI IS RIGHT OVER THERE,
WAITING FOR YOU.
HELLO, HAPPY HOLI
TO YOU, TOO.
HELLO. WELCOME, WELCOME.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING IN THAT SUIT?
IT'S HOLI.
EXCUSE ME, TUSKER.
COULD I HAVE A WORD
WITH YOU?
( people chattering )
AH! SO WONDERFUL.
YOU KNOW, TINY, I THINK
YOUR CHERRY TREE IS BETTER
THAN EVER THIS YEAR.
YOU THINK SO?
AND GUESS WHAT...
YOU KNOW THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
YOU IN WITH ME?
AND HOW ARE YOU
ENJOYING THE PARTY?
( in Hindi )
YOUR PARTIES ARE
ALWAYS VERY ENJOYABLE.
IT'S BEEN LONG
SINCE I SAW YOU DANCE.
( Coocoo )
DANCE? AND HERE?
( children laughing )
HMM, THAT'S WHERE
THE ACTION IS.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S NO THE WAY TO DO IT.
YOU CAN DO BETTER.
COME ON, CHUCK THE STUFF.
GO ON.
UH, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO! NO, NO.
( children squealing )
( Tusker screaming )
THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT,
AND THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT!
THAT'S THE WAY!
( children screaming )
WELL, HA, HA! HE'S ALL RIGH AGAIN, MRS. SMALLEY.
SO IT SEEMS.
COOCOO, OLD GIRL.
( Coocoo )
NO, NO, NOT ME.
( Tusker )
COOCOO!
( Coocoo screaming )
IT'S A FERTILITY FESTIVAL!
CAN'T YOU ABIDE?
( bottles clattering )
AH! UH...
( Tusker laughing )
( butlers mumbling in Hindi )
( groaning )
( people mumbling )
LUCY. LUCY!
( Dr. Mitra )
GET BACK, GET BACK, PLEASE.
BACK, GET BACK.
( Lucy )
YOU MUST TELL ME
THE TRUTH, DR. MITRA,
WAS IT ANOTHER ATTACK?
I THINK HE JUST...
KNOCKED HIMSELF OUT,
THAT'S ALL.
BUT HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT?
I HAVE LEFT HIM WITH YOU.
HE LIKES HIS OWN HOME.
I'LL LOOK IN. EVERY DAY.
( church bell chiming )
( birds chirping )
TUSKER,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING TO CHURCH.
DAMMIT, IT'S EASTER.
I HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH
AT EASTER. COMING?
( organ playing )
ALL THINGS BRIGH AND BEAUTIFUL
ALL CREATURES
GREAT AND SMALL
ALL THINGS WISE
AND WONDERFUL
THE LORD GOD MADE THEM ALL
EACH LITTLE FLOWER
THAT OPENS
EACH LITTLE BIRD
THAT SINGS
( people singing in Hindi )
OK, BYE FATHER.
DON'T COME OFTEN.
THOUGHT I WOULD, TODAY.
NEXT TIME, MIGHT NO BE ABLE TO HAVE A WORD.
OH, THERE IS ALWAYS TIME
FOR A WORD, COLONEL.
NOT IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES
I'M THINKING OF.
ARE YOU COMING UP
NEXT WEEKEND,
BY ANY CHANCE?
NO, NEXT WEEKEND
I'M AT NUNSAR, I'M AFRAID.
OH, FATHER SEBASTIAN
CAN'T MINISTER TO US
UNTIL
SUNDAY THE 23RD.
THAT IS RIGHT.
COME ON OVER THEN
AND HAVE A BITE.
IF YOU CAN'T MANAGE SUNDAY,
STAY TILL MONDAY.
UH, HAVE LUNCH.
OH, I'M COMMITTED
FOR LUNCH, COLONEL.
WELL, HAVE DINNER THEN.
WE ARE AT THE LODGE
AT SMITH'S HOTEL.
WHENEVER IS CONVENIEN TO YOU, FATHER SEBASTIAN.
ALL RIGHT, MRS. SMALLEY,
THANK YOU.
A-A-AND BRING SUSY
WITH YOU.
OH, MRS. SMALLEY,
THAT IS KIND.
GOODBYE.
BYE-BYE.
( Tusker )
HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY
OFF YOUR ROCKER?
( Lucy )
I DON'T CARE. I'VE KNOWN HER
SINCE SHE WAS A CHILD.
BUT AN ANGLO-INDIAN
FOR DINNER, LUCY?
WELL, WHO ELSE
CAN WE ASK, TUSKER?
I DON'T KNOW ANY
OF THE OTHER CHRISTIANS.
BUT SHE DOES
YOUR HAIR.
WELL, WHAT ON EARTH
MADE YOU GO ON
PESTERING FATHER SEBASTIAN
LIKE THAT?
YOU WEN ON AND ON, TUSKER.
HA!
HE DIDN'T WANT TO COME.
AND SUDDENLY,
HE STARTED THINKING,
"THIS MAN NEEDS ME."
WELL I DO, DON'T I?
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU.
THERE'S STILL
ROOM FOR US.
( Frankie )
ALL I SAID WAS
THAT GOODWILL SHOULD
BE TAKEN ONTO CONSIDERATION.
AND NOW,
YOU'RE BLAMING ME.
IT IS NOT I WHO IS TO BLAME.
IT IS YOUR GREED.
THAT IS TO BLAME.
I AM TO BLAME?
YES.
YOU ARE TO BLAME.
GOODWILL, GOODWILL,
YOU AND YOUR GOODWILL.
AND WHAT IS THE RESULT?
NOT BETTER TERMS.
WORSE TERMS.
WHY DO YOU PUSH ME?
YOU'RE ALWAYS PUSHING ME,
AND HUMILIATING ME
IN FRONT OF THE SERVANTS.
ME, MANAGEMENT!
PUSH? I GIVE YOU NOTICE.
ONE MONTH'S NOTICE.
HA! FOR ALL I CARE,
IN A MONTH OR 2,
THERE WILL BE
NOTHING TO MANAGE.
BUT YOU ARE
STILL MANAGEMENT,
AND I AM
OWNERSHIP.
AND OWNERSHIP SAYS
THAT YOU WILL WRITE
THAT LETTER
TO THE SMALLEY MAN,
TELLING HIM
THAT TENANCY ENDS
AS OF JULY FIRST.
AND WHERE
WILL THEY GO?
THEY CAN ALWAYS MOVE
INTO THE SHIRAZ.
HA! THE SHIRAZ?
CAN THEY AFFORD
THE SHIRAZ?
WHAT THEY CAN AFFORD
AND NOT AFFORD
IS NO CONCERN OF MINE.
WHEN THEY RULED THE ROOSTS,
OUR CONCERNS DID NOT ENTER
THEIR HEADS.
IT IS TIT FOR TAT.
I WILL NOT WRITE
SUCH A LETTER
TO MY OLD FRIEND.
I AM ORDERING MANAGEMENT.
IT IS WHA HE IS PAID TO DO.
NOT ENOUGH.
I HAVE NOT HAD A SINGLE RAISE
SINCE I MARRIED OWNERSHIP.
NO?
NO.
YOU GET YOUR KEEP,
YOU GET YOUR POCKET MONEY.
AND SOMETIMES,
ON TOP OF THAT,
YOU EVEN GET SEX.
DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON.
THE GO-GO INN!
BUT I AM
A REASONABLE WOMAN.
AND I SAY TO MYSELF,
"WHAT CAN ONE EXPECT,
WHEN ONE IS MARRIED TO A MAN
WHO THINKS
OF NOTHING BUT SEX?"
I THINK MANAGEMEN WILL WRITE THAT LETTER...
UNLESS HE WANTS A DIVORCE.
( door slamming )
( man on television )
Welcome to another issue
of Culture and the Arts.
( phone ringing )
YES?
WHO?
THE GRACE OF OUR LORD,
JESUS CHRIST,
AND THE LOVE OF GOD,
AND THE FELLOWSHIP
OF THE HOLY SPIRI BE WITH US NOW
AND EVER MORE.
AMEN.
( together )
AMEN.
I SAID SHE'S OUT.
OUT!
MRS. SMALLEY IS...
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
TURNER?
OH, TURNER. YES.
WELL, WHAT... WHAT'S
YOUR NUMBER?
RANPUR.
YES.
3, 4,
1, 0.
THANK YOU, GOODBYE.
( music playing on television )
COME ON, BLOXSAW.
SERVICE!
( crow cawing )
TUSKER, DEAR,
ARE WE READY FOR YOUR
LITTLE CONSTITUTIONAL?
HOW ABOUT A DRINK,
BECAUSE IT IS SUNDAY?
A VERY SMALL GIN.
WHY BECAUSE
IT'S SUNDAY?
BECAUSE SUNDAY
IS CHICKEN PULAO DAY
AT THE SMITH'S.
AND CHICKEN PULAO
GOES DOWN VERY NICELY
AFTER A SPOT OF GIN.
I AM NOT HAVING PULAO.
NOR ARE YOU.
WE'RE HAVING POACHED EGGS
ON TOAST AND WE'RE COOKING
THEM HERE.
I SEE.
WELL, YOU CAN HAVE POACHED
EGGS IF YOU MUST, BUT I'M
GOING ACROSS TO SMITH'S.
NOT TODAY, YOU WON'T.
NEITHER OF US IS EVER
GOING THERE AGAIN.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I SAY SO.
I DID NOT STAY OUT IN INDIA
TO BECOME A COOK
IN MY OLD AGE.
DIDN'T YOU?
IF WE HAD GONE HOME,
I WOULD'VE WELCOMED
TURNING MY HAND AT WHATEVER
WAS NECESSARY,
BUT WE DID NOT GO HOME
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WAN TO GO HOME.
ALL THE SAME,
I ACCEPT...
THAT AS MISTRESS OF THE HOUSE
IT IS MY DUTY TO SEE
THE MASTER FED.
SO, I'LL GO INDOORS
AND PREPARE YOUR POACHED EGG.
AND AFTER THAT...
I'LL HAVE CHICKEN PULAO
AT SMITH'S.
( pots clattering )
( smirking )
WILL SCRAMBLED EGGS DO?
I AM NOT CLEANING THIS.
NEITHER AM I.
QUITE.
SO YOU SEE,
YOU SEE THE DIFFICULTY
OF NOT EATING AT SMITH'S.
I SEE MORE THAN YOU KNOW.
I SUPPOSE YOU REMEMBER YOU'VE
INVITED FATHER SEBASTIAN
FOR DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
SO WHERE DO WE FEED HIM?
THE SHIRAZ?
AND IF YOU SAY "HA!",
OR START OBFUSCATING AGAIN,
I SHALL THROW THIS DIRTY PAN
RIGHT AT YOU.
THEN THROW IT.
I SHALL, IF YOU SAY "HA!"
HA! HA!
( chuckling )
BUGGER!
( laughing )
I DIDN'T TELL YOU ANY MORE
ABOUT MR. TURNER
BECAUSE YOU SAID
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE TOLD ME HE'D GO THE BELLE MADAME
SPECIAL BLUE RINSE
YOU ASKED FOR.
OH, HOW NICE.
SUSY WILLIAMS WILL
BE ABLE TO USE THE RES OF MY VERY LAST PACKET.
HA!
I HOPE YOU AGREE
THAT WE MUS GIVE SOME TIME TO HIM
AND SEE THA HE'S FED AND SO ON.
NOW, IF HE'S STAYING
AT SMITH'S,
AND WE'RE NEVER
TO EAT THERE...
TUSKER?
HMM?
WON'T HE
THINK IT VERY ODD
IF HE'S EATING ALONE
IN THE DINING ROOM
AT SMITH'S,
AND WE EXIST HERE ON A DIE OF POACHED EGGS?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING
TO HAVE MY LUNCH.
PERHAPS, LATER ON
YOU WILL TELL ME
IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO FEED
MR. TURNER ELSEWHERE.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW NEAR
OR FAR WE ARE
FROM BANKRUPTCY.
MOREOVER, I'VE STILL NOT HAD
THE PLAIN STATEMEN I ASKED FOR,
WITH REGARD TO THE POSITION
I SHOULD BE IN, WERE I TO FIND
MYSELF ALONE.
AH! MRS. SMALLEY.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, MA'AM.
THANKS.
I'M ALONE.
COULD I HAVE THE USUAL?
YES, MA'AM.
PRABHU.
YES, MA'AM?
THIS GLASS IS ALL
COVERED WITH SMEARS.
SORRY, MEMSAAB,
I'LL GET ANOTHER ONE.
( all chattering )
OH, OH.
MRS. BHOOLABHOY.
WE'RE EXPECTING A GUES ON WEDNESDAY.
A MR. TURNER.
I WONDER IF YOU'D BOOK
A ROOM FOR HIM.
I'VE ALREADY TOLD
COL. SMALLEY, I CAN'T BE
BOTHERED WITH THAT.
COL. SMALLEY?
YES, YES. HE ASKED ME
TO RESERVE A ROOM
FOR YOUR GUEST.
I'VE TOLD HIM
TO SEE MANAGEMEN ABOUT IT TOMORROW.
THE COLONEL WAS HERE
THIS MORNING?
DIDN'T I JUST SAY SO?
LISTEN, MRS. SMALLEY,
ALL I WANT TO KNOW
IS ABOUT THE SHEARS.
HAVE YOU DEALT WITH
THE QUESTION
OF THE SHEARS?
SHEARS?
SHEARS! YES, SHEARS.
SNICK-SNICK SHEARS.
THIS MORNING I WAS TELLING
MY MALI TO TRIM
THE FLOWER BEDS,
HE SAYS HE HAS NO SHEARS
BECAUSE YOUR MALI
IS USING THEM.
I KNOW NOTHING ABOU YOUR SHEARS,
MRS. BHOOLABHOY.
YOU KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT MY SHEARS.
COL. SMALLEY KNOWS
NOTHING ABOUT MY SHEARS.
COL. SMALLEY
IS EVEN TELLING ME
HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOU A MALI BECAUSE HE
DOES NOT HAVE A MALI.
ONLY I HAVE A MALI.
DEAR GOD, AM I CRAZY,
OR IS EVERYBODY
ELSE CRAZY?
AH, NO TALK
OF BUSINESS FOR NOW.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
A LOVELY LUNCH
AND THEN...
OH, TUSKER. TUSKER.
FIRST THE MALI,
AND THEN MR. TURNER.
NO WONDER
IT WAS POACHED EGGS.
WHOA!
OH, IBRAHIM,
ABOUT TOMORROW...
WE SUDDENLY HAVE TO
CONJURE UP DINNER FOR 4.
DINNER, MEMSAAB?
WE'D BETTER
HAVE CHICKEN.
OH, CHICKEN.
VERY DIFFICULT, MEMSAAB.
OUR STORE ONLY GOOD ENOUGH
FOR A BURNED OFFERING.
MEMSAAB, IT IS FORBIDDEN.
GOD WILL
FORGIVE US. CHEERS.
CHEERS, MEMSAAB.
( coughing )
I AM BEHOLDEN TO YOU,
IBRAHIM, FOR LOOKING
AFTER US.
OH!
WHAT ABOUT A SAVORY?
CHEESE ON TOAST?
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT CHEESE ON TOAST,
MEMSAAB.
ANCHOVIES ON TOAST, BEST.
EGGS NOT VERY GOOD.
MUCH WIND RESULTING.
THAT'S VERY GOOD ADVICE.
AND TOMORROW,
I SHALL GIVE YOU A LIS OF THINGS TO BUY.
IBRAHIM.
SAAB?
WAS MEMSAAB ASLEEP?
HMM. TELL HER I'M DINING
AT THE CLUB TONIGHT.
YES, SAAB.
( Tusker )
DEAREST LUCY,
I'M SORRY, LUCY,
IF I SEEM TO HAVE MADE
A MESS OF THINGS.
BUT YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
YOU'LL HAVE THE PENSION
AND THE ROYAL
WARRANT SETTLEMENT,
SAY 1500 A YEAR,
ADJUSTABLE FROM TIME TO TIME
TO THE COST OF LIVING INDEX.
AND THERE'LL BE A BI FROM MY INSURANCE.
YOU'LL HAVE ENOUGH
TO TAKE YOU HOME,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT,
THOUGH IN YOUR POSITION,
I'D PREFER YOU TO STAY HERE.
( Tiny )
AH, TUSKER!
THANK GOD,
SOMEBODY'S HERE.
CARE TO JOIN ME
FOR A GAME OF BILLIARDS?
WHY NOT?
I KNOW FOR YEARS YOU'VE
THOUGHT I WAS A DAMN FOOL
TO HAVE STAYED ON, BUT...
I WAS TOO YOUNG TO RETIRE
WHEN INDEPENDENCE CAME,
AND TOO OLD TO START AFRESH
SOMEWHERE THAT I DIDN'T KNOW.
AND I KNEW THE PENSION
WOULD GO FURTHER IN INDIA
THAN IN ENGLAND.
I STILL THINK WE WERE RIGH TO STAY ON.
THOUGH I DON'T THINK OF I ANY LONGER AS STAYING ON,
BUT JUST AS HANGING ON.
WHICH PEOPLE OF OUR AGE
AND UPBRINGING,
AND LIMITED TALENTS,
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER
REALLY BEEN POOR,
BUT NEVER
HAD ANY REAL MONEY,
THEY HAVE TO DO,
WHEN THEY CAN'T WORK ANYMORE.
AND IT SEEMED TO ME,
I'D INVESTED IN INDIA,
NOT MONEY, NOR TALENT,
NOTHING INDIA NEEDED
OR NEEDS.
OR HAS BEEN ONE JO THE BETTER FOR.
BUT ALL I HAD
TO INVEST IN ANYTHING...
ME.
GOOD SHOT.
WHERE I WENT WRONG
WAS EXPECTING A RETURN
ON MY INVESTMENT.
ME.
ANTICIPATING PROFITS.
WHEN THEY DIDN'T TURN UP,
I KNEW I WAS AN IDIOT.
LONGEST MALE MENOPAUSE
IN HISTORY.
CAN'T TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS
FACE TO FACE, YOU KNOW.
BROUGHT UP THAT WAY.
YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD WOMAN
TO ME, LUCE.
SORRY, I'VE NO MADE IT CLEAR I THINK SO.
NOT GOING TO READ ALL THIS
RIGMAROLE THROUGH.
IF I DID, I'D TEAR IT UP.
DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS IT.
IF YOU DO, I'LL ONLY SAY
SOMETHING THAT WILL HURT YOU.
IT'S BECOME MY NATURE.
LOVE,
TUSKER.
( big band music playing )
( man )
GOOD MORNING,
LUCY MEMSAAB.
( Lucy )
GOOD MORNING, RAMSEY.
NOT "MY DEAR
COL. SMALLEY,"
"DEAR COL. SMALLEY"
IS QUITE SUFFICIENT.
WHAT IS ALL
THIS SENTIMENTALITY?
ALL YOU NEED SAY IS,
"HOTEL AND ANNEX
"CURRENTLY SUBJEC TO PLANNING DEVELOPMEN "UNDER NEW COMPANY OWNERSHIP.
"AND NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN
AS FROM JULY THE FIRST, NEXT."
AND "YOURS FAITHFULLY,"
NOT "YOURS VERY SINCERELY."
YES, LEELA,
MY LOVE.
RETYPE IT,
AND I WILL SIGN IT.
WELL, BLOXSAW,
YOU HAVEN'T MOVED
FOR 2 DAYS.
( crows cawing )
GOOD MORNING,
SAAB.
HMM. WHERE IS MEMSAAB?
GONE TO HAIRDRESSER'S.
I HAVE EVERYTHING
SAAB NEEDS.
TEA, ROTI, MARMALADE,
4 MINUTE EGG,
TIMES OF INDIA.
DAAK?
NO DAAK
THIS MORNING, SAAB.
NOT EVEN A BILL?
NO, SAAB.
NEVER DID ENJOY BREAKFAS WITHOUT DAAK.
GO WRITE ME A LETTER,
YOU LAZY SOD.
YES, SAAB.
OH, AND BETTER STILL,
TAKE THE DOG FOR WALKIES.
DO YOU BOTH GOOD.
I WILL DO SO SAAB, BUT FIRST,
I HAVE ALL THIS SHOPPING
FOR MEMSAAB.
OH, FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT.
JUST TAKE THE DOG,
FOR A WALK. BUZZ!
THAT'S BETTER.
MINNIE...
COL. SMALLEY.
NO, NO, NO.
PLEASE,
LET ME TAKE IT, LEELA.
THE COLONEL
IS MY FRIEND, AFTER ALL.
( in Hindi )
COL. SMALLEY, QUICKLY.
AND YOU, FRANCIS,
CAN MASSAGE
THE BACK OF MY NECK.
YES, LEELA,
MY LOVE.
MMM.
MMM.
SAAB, DAAK.
THE BITCH!
THE BLOODY...
( panting )
( groaning )
( grunting )
( people chattering )
I'LL COMB
YOU OUT FAST.
THANK YOU.
( birds chirping )
COL. SMALLEY?
COL. SMALLEY!
AH!
COL. SMALLEY?
COL. SMALLEY.
( groaning )
MY GOD!
( panting )
( phone dialing )
O-O-OPERATOR.
( in Hindi )
WHERE'S DR. MITRA?
LEELA.
LEELA, MY LOVE.
( sobbing )
HE...
HE IS... HE IS DEAD.
WHO IS DEAD?
COL. S-SMALLEY IS.
WHERE IS THE LETTER?
IN... IN...
IN HIS HAND...
GET IT.
( crying )
GET IT?
THE LETTER, YOU FOOL.
THEY WILL THINK
IT KILLED HIM.
OH, WAIT!
( wailing )
YES.
THEY WILL.
THEY WILL CALL YOU
A MURDERESS,
AND THEY WILL BE RIGHT.
OH! OH, DR. MITRA,
OH, THANK GOODNESS,
MY HUSBAND...
HE JUST PANICS.
HE THOUGH HE WAS DEAD,
BUT HE HAS ONLY FAINTED
AND NEEDS YOUR HELP, NO?
I'M AFRAID HE IS DEAD.
( whimpering )
OF COURSE, THIS LETTER...
IT WAS THE SHOCK
OF THE LETTER YOU WROTE
THAT KILLED HIM.
I BLAME YOU.
TO WRITE SUCH A LETTER
TO A FRIEND...
GOD WILL PUNISH YOU.
( phone ringing )
SASHI'S.
OK, I'LL DO THAT.
( whispering )
I'VE JUST HEARD SOME BAD NEWS
FOR MRS. SMALLEY.
( murmuring )
I'LL FINISH YOU OFF TODAY,
MRS. SMALLEY.
YOU GO GET MRS. SMALLEY
ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE.
THAT'S GOOD.
COFFEE IS FOR
MRS. SMALLEY.
WHAT?
THERE WAS A TELEPHONE CALL.
HER HUSBAND JUST DIED.
WHAT BEAUTIFUL HAIR
YOU HAVE, MRS. SMALLEY.
YOU MUST THINK OF SOMETHING
A LITTLE DIFFEREN TO DO WITH IT.
OH, THANK YOU,
I'M AFRAID I'M RATHER
OLD TO CHANGE.
NEVER TOO OLD.
UM, WHEN WE'RE FINISHED,
SUSY WILL TAKE YOU HOME.
HOME?
OH, THANK YOU.
IT WAS THE LETTER,
OF COURSE.
MUST'VE BEEN
A TERRIBLE SHOCK.
DR. MITRA DIDN'T WAN ME TO SEE IT,
I KNEW I HAD TO.
BUT DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE LETTER.
AS LONG AS I HAVE
A ROOF OVER MY HEAD,
MRS. SMALLEY,
YOU ALWAYS
HAVE A HOME WITH ME.
PEOPLE LIKE US
MUST STICK TOGETHER.
MMM.
DO YOU
WANT ME TO STAY?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
VERY KIND OF YOU,
BUT IBRAHIM AND MINNIE
ARE HERE, I FEEL QUITE SAFE
WITH THEM.
( sighing )
THEN I'LL...
I'LL DROP BY TOMORROW,
MRS. SMALLEY.
GOODBYE.
BYE.
( snoring )
( door opening )
WHEN WE WENT TO PARTIES,
JUST BEFORE WE WENT IN,
YOU ALWAYS HELD MY ARM.
( sniffing )
YOU HELPED ME OU OF TONGAS AND RICKSHAWS.
AND WHEN WE WAITED
ON OTHER PEOPLE'S VERANDAS
FOR TONGAS
AND RICKSHAWS,
THEN, TOO, YOU HELD MY ARM.
AND THAT'S HOW WE WAITED,
ARM IN ARM.
ARM IN ARM.
THRONE BY THRONE?
WHAT NOW, TUSKER?
URN BY URN?
( crying )
IT'S ALL RIGHT, TUSKER.
I'M NOT REALLY GOING TO CRY.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO CRY.
I'VE GOT A PERFORMANCE
TOMORROW.
WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY, AND...
ALL I'M ASKING, TUSKER,
DID YOU MEAN IT WHEN YOU SAID,
I'D BEEN A GOOD WOMAN TO YOU?
BUT IF SO,
WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?
WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE?
I'M FRIGHTENED TO BE ALONE.
WELL, I... I KNOW, IT'S WEAK
AND WRONG TO BE FRIGHTENED.
BUT, ALL THE SAME,
NOW UNTIL THE END,
I SHALL BE ALONE...
WHATEVER I AM DOING.
HERE, AS I FEARED,
AMID THE ALIEN CORN,
WALKING, SLEEPING...
ALONE FOREVER, AND EVER,
AND I CAN'T BEAR IT.
I KNOW I MUSTN'T CRY,
AND I MUST...
MUST GET OVER IT.
AND I DON'T AT THE MOMEN SEE HOW.
SO, TUSKER, WITH...
WITH MY EYES CLOSED,
I PUT OUT MY HAND TO YOU,
AND BEG YOU,
BEG YOU TO TAKE IT.
OH, TAKE ME WITH YOU,
OH, TUSKER.
HOW COULD YOU
LEAVE ME HERE ALONE,
WHILE YOU YOURSELF GO?