So how are things going with you?
Well, everything was going great
until they opened
that Ta-Ta's next door.
They've been taking
a lot of my business,
some of my best girls.
But the district manager
got paralyzed from bad shellfish.
Guess who's next in line.
I think I'm getting a little bored.
Guess who stopped by yesterday.
Who?
Mrs. Silverman and her son.
Tom. Hey, how is Tom?
Oh, good, good.
He was with his beautiful pregnant wife.
Is that so?
You don't really have
a beautiful pregnant wife.
Nope. Sure don't.
You don't even have a bastard child
with an ugly woman out of wedlock.
Mom, he's paralyzed.
That means I'm next. Okay?
That means I'm district manager.
Things around here
are going to change.
Just like they were going to change
when you became restaurant manager.
Good-bye.
Look, honey,
I care about you way too much
to let you work there,
so I'm going to have
to put my foot down.
Cool. You do that.
Allison, listen, I don't want you
to be groped inappropriately,
except by me.
Come on.
It's a gateway job.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
You'll be working a stripper pole
within a year!
You're going to be a young mother
with lots of dollars in your pooswah!
What's up, stranger?
Oh, my God! Hi.
Hi, honey. Baby doll.
Oh, my gosh.
So today's the big day, huh?
Yeah. I finally took the plunge.
Well, do you want the grand tour?
- Yes, please.
- Okay.
I've never worked
in a place like this before.
You'll be fine.
- You know. Come on.
- Okay.
Hey, Josh.
- Josh.
- Hey. Uh...
Man, you look like unshaven shit.
Thank you, Amber. Thanks.
You're making a big deal
out of nothing.
It's not nothing. I'm haunted.
Every night, I have
the same Weeds dream.
Everything starts off great,
and then I get set, like,
four tables all at once.
Hey, there, folks.
- I'll have a Pepsi.
- Okay, Pepsi.
She'll have a sweet tea.
How about raspberry tea?
Is that all right?
How about no?
- Hot tea.
- Okay, hot tea.
We're catching a movie,
so we need you to rush
our order, okay?
Excuse me!
Uh, just one second. Yes?
What's your fish of the day?
We don't have a fish of the day.
- Did I say decaf?
- Yeah.
We haven't looked at the menu yet.
If I get the salad bar with my steak...
What is that, German?
I need a steak well-done!
The printer ran out of ink.
Whatever.
There's a problem in the kitchen.
All the orders were deleted, okay?
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
I want the salad bar.
Then I end up naked in front
of the entire restaurant.
You're a vagina.
You've just been working too hard.
Whatever.
Hey.
Miguel,
that's more than 3 ounces
of cheese, my friend.
We talked about this before.
Less queso.
More listen-o.
Okay, Allison. All right.
First thing we need to do
is get you an outfit.
Okay?
Uh, sizes are small, extra small,
and extra extra small.
Oh, uh, extra small?
Then you probably want
to wear an extra extra small
because management likes
your ass to hang out a little.
And by a little, I mean a lot.
Cute.
Oh, no jewelry.
Sorry.
Yeah, management says
it makes you look trashy.
But...
But they have approved nipple rings.
I don't know if that helps.
Uh, you get 50 percent off food,
except for desserts.
I guess that's about it.
Just, um, saddle up.
Cool.
- Here? I'm... now?
- Yeah.
If you have any questions
about anything,
to squeeze in anything...
You'll be right there.
...tuck anything in
or pull anything out.
Yeah, I... I think I'm good.
I think I'm good.
Okay.
Okay, Miguel,
if you're going to step up
and work under me on Friday night,
- you got to keep your cool, okay?
- Yes, ese.
Friday's the hardest part
of the job during the rush
because we also have
to do all the toasting.
And all the fucking
French onion soups,
which, as you can imagine,
is pretty time-consuming.
Now, we get it all, okay?
So when the shit hits the fan,
and it's going to hit the fan, Miguel,
you better not freak out
or something. All right?
A lot of people can't hack this.
S, s. I know, ese.
And you better have
a sense of humor tonight.
Okay?
If I start screwing with you, just...
joking around or something like that,
or if you mess up and I call you on it,
don't run off and pussy out
and start whining.
You got to have a pretty thick skin
if you want to work with me.
Seriously.
Sour cream Sanchez!
Ol!
See, all over his...
Ahh, he makes me laugh.
Hey, Natasha.
You're looking sexier
than a bag of tits.
Thanks, Agnew. So are you.
Are you still dating Allison,
or can you see other people?
Who?
No, I can...
I can see whoever I want.
Speaking of, what time
you getting off tonight?
Actually, I'm getting off right now.
I'm not working tonight.
Man, that sucks.
Because wouldn't it be great
if we were getting off simultaneously.
Don't worry.
You'll get off soon enough.
Okay, we get it.
You two want to fuck each other.
Natasha,
go be a whore elsewhere, okay?
Agnew...
go plot your next date rape in the kitchen,
or your station's going
to be empty all night.
- Hello, Naomi.
- Hello, Fuck Boy.
Hey. You got everything you need?
Good one. All right.
Hey, Hank. Heard you had
a little b-day shindig.
- How it was?
- It was all right.
Just a few peeps over
at the apartment complex.
Uh, any hot chickens there?
Or was it a pud party?
There was a few cuties.
Amber and Kristy swung by.
That was nice.
Oh, really? Uh, oh.
Well, sorry I couldn't make it.
I couldn't, uh, be invited.
Uh, listen, Hank,
would you mind
pushing top shelf tonight?
And, uh, go easy on the elbow.
I got a bunch of half-naked chicks next door.
They are hawking hot wings
and camel toes.
Hey, come here, little lady.
Where you going?
- Give me a twirl.
- Yeah.
Very nice.
Seriously, if I were still in my bi phase,
I would eat your ass like a sandwich.
What?
Gotcha.
I'm still in that bi phase.
Raddimus,
have you met Allison yet?
Oh, how can I forget that?
No, I don't think we've met.
I'm Raddimus. Hi.
So it's her first day, and I got to jet.
Could you show her
around the kitchen for me?
Oh, love to.
- Thank you.
- Love to. Yeah.
Show 'em what you got.
- Okay.
- Okay, baby.
Okay. The grill's over there,
the freezer's over there,
and the pick-up area is right there.
Great. Cool.
Got that. Anything else I should know?
No, not really.
Oh, yeah.
There is one thing.
Did Hailey tell you about
this little game we play around here?
No.
Oh. Okay.
Let's play.
I don't know.
We'll do a little stretching first.
Jesus.
Come on, baby.
Call me crazy, I might be.
One time I fucked a tiger
with my right knee.
Suck a cow's tits.
Suck a cow's tits.
You can't suck her dick
'cause a cow is a chick.
What's up, Nick?
What's up, T-doggie doggie dawg?
My name is Theo.
Quit acting like that.
Come on, nigga.
You always be my T-dawg, right?
You know, white kids acting black,
that's so pass.
Shit was pass when we did it.
Let it go.
Bitch.
The next position is called the clitar.
You take your panties...
Now, are you left-handed
or right-handed?
Right. Right-handed.
Right on.
So then you go... all right, baby?
Then you just start jamming
like Stevie Ray Vaughan.
Raddimus!
Nobody's going to play
your stupid vagina game.
All right? Give it up.
Hey, Dan, uh,
corporate didn't mention you were com...
Uh, come on in, man.
I was just, uh, going over
some figures here.
Perfect. That's what I
came to talk to you about.
Seems we haven't gotten
your numbers in a few weeks.
Everything on track?
My numbers? They're good.
They're excellent.
Hoo, that is a relief
because you know corporate.
- They're all about the numbers.
- Yeah, man.
Especially with that district manager job
up for grabs.
Well, it's a good thing
my numbers are so good, then.
Yeah, let's just have a look.
No, they're not finalized yet.
I don't want to steal
my own thunder, man.
Let's just have a little
peek at the thunder, huh?
It's no...
I'm going to make my numbers
this weekend, Dan.
Come on, man. I've got 9 Gs to go.
Yeah. That's great.
Doesn't the quarter end tonight?
Yeah.
Come on, Dan.
We used to make our numbers all the time
before you guys opened
that titty bar next door.
Titty bar makes numbers, babe.
They do what it takes to win.
Now, if you don't want to play it tough,
We'll just give that district
to the manager next door.
He's a hot shot.
This is not my office.
How'd you get in here?
That tickle? Are you
going to press charges?
Wait. Come back.
Oh, Allison.
What's up?
What a gorgeous day to start.
You look amazing.
Come. Walk with me.
How long has it been
since we worked together?
Like, two years?
Oh, my God. A lot's changed in those years.
Hey, ladies.
Hey, don't be jealous.
Seriously, it's so unattractive.
You're going to love working here.
The tips are great.
- Hey, Cal.
- Hey, beautiful.
And your boss is a push-over.
We're like one big, happy family.
You know, I'm the father,
and you're my daughters.
Well, you know, step-daughters.
- Whoa. Things really have changed.
- Yeah.
- Cal.
- Yo.
Can I get you to approve
this schedule change for me?
- Autograph?
- Oh, you're the best.
You got it, sweetie.
Hey, gorgeous!
Josh, you just got to come to a show.
You won't believe it.
I'm starting to dance, which is tricky
because of the height thing.
But because of the balance,
I'm not tipping anymore.
I'm just boom, standing tall.
Hey, old man, did you fuck
that lady last night?
You know, the one with
the freckles on her chest?
I bet you did, huh?
Did you fishhook her?
Did you give her the four-finger spread?
Did you spit...
Let me smell your moustache.
Did you get it in there?
Did you spit on it?
What happened?
Don't worry about it.
You know what? I'm actually thinking
about getting out of this racket.
Start concentrating
on the band full-time.
Oh, the band.
Well, you'd better
get cracking there, Old Man River.
I'm actually getting a lot of paying gigs.
The MySpace getting tons of hits.
Got, like, 500 friends.
This guy dropped a virus on there
so when you click, you hear my music.
- A virus?
- Hello.
What about all the poon
you've nailed here?
I mean, who's going
to fuck all the cougars?
Life's not just about nailing poon, bro.
Uh, Dr. Faggot,
your cock seems to be parked
in another man's asshole.
Why are you such a dick?
Don't ask.
So what have you
and your little boyfriends
been up to lately?
Dad, I told you.
We're not gay,
We're just a couple
of open-minded guys.
My son, the rope-sucker.
Yeah.
You know,
I blame the failure
of our marriage on you.
Sweet.
When I knocked your mom up,
I told her I'd do the honorable thing
and pay for the abortion.
And she was like,
"Oh, I think I want
to have this baby."
And I was like, "Bitch,
you are having it tonight."
It's coat hanger o'clock.
- Good one.
- Good one.
Ta-Ta's isn't going away, Dennis.
You got to learn to fight scrappy.
It's hard to be scrappy
when half my girls are over there now.
I got nothing on the floor but dudes.
It's like a Viking ship.
And I'm trying to have a kid, man.
Hey.
She's a babe.
It's... That's... I...
She came with the frame.
Sad.
No girl is going to get interested in me
if I'm a store manager
in a strip mall.
I mean, your wife didn't
get interested in you
until you were a district manager.
I'm better-looking than you.
You picked a terrible time to screw up.
Shull is in town.
The regional manager?
Shitty puppy.
Yeah.
Aw, come on. This is ridiculous.
He's looking to make
an example out of someone.
Your Shenaniganz got closed
for culinary general contact.
Tone.
You just got to help me
get this promotion.
Jesus, Dennis.
Try to have some dignity.
Don't talk to me about dignity!
You ever have a whole fraternity
shit on your chest?
And then not let you in?
Not a fraternity, no.
The bottom line,
if you don't hit your numbers,
if you don't have a $9,000 day,
you will not get
that district manager job.
All right, I'm going to be totally honest
with you.
If we don't hit our numbers,
if we don't make a $9,000 day,
then the restaurant is shutting down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
- Down?
If we're gonna be short
a few thousand dollars,
they're gonna shut us down?
That doesn't make any sense!
It's a senseless crime.
That's corporate for you.
They'll shut you down like that.
We've never come close to 9 grand.
Hey, if it's meant to be,
it's meant to be, right?
Hey, hey. Hold on.
Let me tell you a little story.
We're facing the toughest team
in the whole high school region.
They only had, like, two white guys.
Who gives a shit, Dennis?
If he put me in, I would've
fought like a fairy...
Dennis, he doesn't put
the male cheerleader in.
If he had put the male cheerleader in,
then I would've tried like the dickens
to get that ball into the end zone,
and so must all of you...
all of us tonight do so also.
I'm putting a lot
of promotions into effect.
I'm going to get
the early evening menu going.
I understand.
The elderly aren't the greatest tippers,
but I'm telling you,
they're going to give us
the most beautiful afternoon pop
right before the dinner rush, okay?
And please remember,
the...
- What's that?
... effect.
- Thumb fight?
- The butterfly effect.
I told you about the butterfly effect.
One little thing goes wrong,
the whole flow of the restaurant goes out.
And I'll tell you one thing.
Austin Kutchner wasn't
kidding around in that movie.
Kootchman?
You know who I'm talking about.
- Who?
- Ashman Kitchnens.
He wasn't bullshitting.
End of meeting.
Oh, one more thing.
Inappropriate language
in front of the guests.
Oh, that guy's a dick.
Come on, come on. I do it, too.
I say shit and ass and pud
as much as the next guy,
but not at a 9-year-old's birthday party.
Clean it up.
I am so fucked.
Charlie, get my shin/knee.
Welcome to Ta-Ta's.
I've got a table waiting just for you.
Yes.
How about top-shelf for a dollar more?
All right.
I have a granddaughter.
- Thank you.
- Wait...
Fucking old people.
That's all I need.
I don't give a shit
that ice cream used to cost
a nickel back in your day.
I need to get paid,
you raggedy-ass bitch.
Hey, lactard, I think
your nachos are done.
You're an asshole.
I'll have a Pepsi.
She'll have a sweet tea.
God.
Uh, so, uh,
what can I get you folks to eat?
I'll have whatever he's having.
Okay.
Uh, I'll have the same.
Medium-rare.
There are a few
dos and don'ts here at Ta-Ta's.
Come on.
Whenever you send a check, okay,
you got to go "Ta-Ta, girl."
- And the kitchen goes...
- Oh, yeah.
See?
Whenever you have a spare minute,
management wants you,
like, dancing
or hula hooping
or, like, simulating
any kind of a sex act.
Now...
What management
doesn't tell you is this.
You are in a restaurant full of hot girls.
Wars are waged, alliances are formed.
You try to stay neutral,
you're going to get killed.
Yes.
Oh, man.
I would love to "F" her in the "A,"
and then "C" all over her "Ts."
Well, I never.
What? Does she work
for the CIA or something?
How did she decipher that code?
Fuck her.
Amber. Amber, Amber, come here.
Listen, this is kind of weird,
but I'm thinking about...
I've been thinking about
experimenting with homosexuality.
And I...
I don't think I'm gay, but you know,
since you got that whole
Asian schoolboy look going on,
I think having sex with you
would be a good way to test the waters.
What do you say?
Screw you, Agnew.
Oh, come on. I'll make it hot for you.
Hello, love.
Top of the mornin' to ya.
Biscuits and tea.
Oh, hello, hello.
- Naomi.
- What? What?
You told him?
About my accent fetish?
I was drunk.
Why the fuck are you
telling me anything anyway?
Oh, so it's my fault?
I have a drinking problem.
And I don't intend
to do anything about it.
Come on, moppet.
Show us your pink bits.
- Those aren't real.
- Fuck off.
Amber. Amber.
So is it just, you know,
European accents that heat up the kitty?
I mean, what about a bartender
with a Southern drawl?
What about an African dude going...
I'm a speech major!
What about, like, a Middle Eastern guy?
- La BMW.
Shit, man. The restaurant can't close.
I just got a 75-cent raise.
Finally starting to get more hours,
starting to learn the grill.
Can't catch a break.
Mason, why don't you get
the fuck out of here
and go smoke a cigarette?
Actually, I was just about to...
Don't argue with me, boy.
But see,
you're telling me to do something...
Go out that fucking
back door right now
and smoke a cigarette.
- Wait, but I...
- Don't you "but" me, boy.
Get the fuck out of here.
I'm leaving now to go have a cigarette
because I want to...
At least they're not picking on me.
Why can't things go back
to the way they used to be, son?
Because that shit got old.
Shit, it got old being
wannabe gangsters.
It got old when we were Goth.
It got old when we were ravers.
It got old through all of it.
I mean, it was pathetic.
I mean, we were pathetic.
Smoking cannabis, huh?
Fuck you.
Fuck T-dawg.
Thank you, sir.
Right this way. That's right.
There you go. That's it.
That's the out door.
Smells like a dog took a shit in here.
Good-bye, sir. Thanks for coming.
Die. Die now.
Watch your step.
Die-die.
Die.
Those doddering,
drooling motherfuckers.
Hey, Dennis.
I am being ruined, Hank,
ruined by those sluts at Ta-Ta's
and those pud-wackers at corporate.
You sure use that word pud a lot.
What are you talking about?
Pud. You say it a lot.
It's a word.
You know, I could take it or leave it.
What's the matter with you?
That's cute handwriting.
It's all real nice. It just...
No, I'm sorry. I just...
I don't think you're a good fit
for our establishment here.
These tits were chiseled by God.
I don't think you have
the right temperament.
You know what? Fuck you, Calvin.
Oh. Okay.
You're still a fucking dork to me.
Good to know. I'll keep that in mind.
Bye.
- Calvin.
- Yo.
There's this really creepy
old guy in the corner,
and he's kind of skeeving me out.
Oh. Okay.
I got this.
- Dennis?
- Hey. How are you?
- How's it going?
- Good.
- Pretty great.
- Okay.
Great.
I'm screwed.
- Man, I love tits.
- No shit.
I mean, hairstyles change, you know?
But tits, tits never go out of style.
That's what I'm saying.
What do you guys think
is the best size?
A-cup. No question.
What a gyp to get stuck with A-cups, huh?
No shit.
Maybe it's even better to be flat-chested
because then you're
not objectified as much,
and you're taken
more seriously, you know?
You're just saying that
because you have a crush on Amber.
Christ, man, you got
bigger tits than she does.
I'd say C-cups. Definitely the best.
No, no, no.
You give me a pair
of some big old dirty Ds.
Till you get them out of the bra.
Because then all you got
is cylindrical pudding
oozing down to her stomach.
That's when you
fuck them in the pool.
Buoyancy takes effect,
makes them perfectly round.
That's science.
What do you think the girls at Ta-Ta's
talk about when it's slow?
Menstruation and whatnot.
Yarn.
The violence in the Middle East
isn't going anywhere.
I don't care what kind of foreign policy
we implement.
It has nothing to do with that.
I'm telling you,
the men there are so sexually repressed
because women wear those burqas.
They never show their tits.
And Middle Eastern women
have huge tits.
Massive.
Almost makes you want
to be Middle Eastern.
Almost.
I understand things are tough, man.
How about a half-off dessert promotion
with a Ta-Ta's receipt?
Desserts have
a huge mark-up, yeah?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Okay, perfect.
We will start that next month.
I can't start it next month.
I don't have time to start it next month!
I'm sorry.
My mother was right.
I'm pushing 40, man. I'm not married.
I don't even have any prospects.
Yeah, I understand,
things are tough, man.
I'm going through a bit of a crisis myself.
- Really?
- Yeah. I'm trying to decide
which of those three chicks
I want to nail tonight.
Get in the ropes,
you know what I mean?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'm sorry, man.
That's me being a dick is what that is.
- You're a dick.
- Yeah.
Let me buy you a cup of water.
You know, when I was on the fryer,
I said to myself,
"If I could just be a server,
I'd make enough money that
I could start getting women."
So I left the fryer,
and I became a server.
- Making the money, nothing.
- Right, right.
I said the same thing when I
was the assistant manager,
then store manager.
- Nothing.
- Geez.
Man!
If I can just hit district manager,
then I'll be pulling some hot trim,
and I don't mean whores, either.
- Hey, Cal.
- Hey, hot pants.
Hey, you know what?
Naomi said that
you weren't a ladies' man.
That you couldn't even piss
in a public bathroom.
That was the old me.
Come on.
How did you change?
First thing I did was
got over my pissing phobia.
That was the root of my problems.
So what if some dude
checked out my schmack
in the bathroom?
I couldn't let that turn me into a pussy.
It's like, if I'm not man enough
to piss at a urinal with other men,
how can I gonna be man enough
to take a girl's ass cherry?
- I cannot agree more.
- Right.
But then how did you get to the point
where you could talk to women?
That's a good question.
It all started when I was still a waiter
back at Shenaniganz.
I was talking to this high school girl,
and she rejected me,
like all of them did back in those days.
You okay?
Something wrong?
So I got home,
did a little Internet surfing.
You know, just general browsing.
Checked the stock portfolio,
like you do.
And I began thinking
about my situation
and how shitty everything was...
and it really bummed me out.
I fought through the depression
for a while.
But ultimately,
it got the better of me,
and I was spent.
So, as I sat in my chair,
depressed...
I remembered what Monty said to me.
He said women like assholes.
So I found this web site
that teaches the art
of being a complete asshole to women.
All the fundamentals.
Women like assholes?
And that was it.
Yeah. I went and picked up
a copy of the DVD.
Here it is.
And then, when I started
nailing hot chicks
by acting like an asshole,
I started being an asshole,
which is totally cool.
Yeah.
It's Kristy again.
She keeps calling. She's like, "Mmm."
I knew I shouldn't
have invited her over
for that threesome with Sherry.
I'm kidding.
That's me being a dick again.
There was no threesome.
I just fucked her.
Hello, sir.
Are you sick of those
cooze queens out there
flaunting their shit in front of you,
only to leave you high and dry?
- Yeah.
- You know us men.
We make more money,
we reach higher management positions.
And what do women have?
"Menstruation?" Take it, it's yours.
Pregnancy? Oh, dear me.
You mean I don't get to lactate?
Perfect.
I'm Ken Halsband,
and in the next 45 minutes,
I'm going to change your life.
Maybe you don't need sleep.
If you're not sleeping,
think about tired stuff
before you go to bed.
Josh, quick,
how much change in my pocket?
Agnew, come on. We're chillin' here.
I don't know, $2.00?
Oh, so close. Buck-60
You're slippin', man.
What would the Jew elders think?
Hey, Agnew, you think being a racist
is going to make it easier
or tougher being a cop?
I'm not a racist, dick.
I hate everyone, all right?
Old people, gay people,
fat people, virgins.
It doesn't matter.
Think I care that Joshua is a Jew? No.
I mean, I'm not gonna borrow
money from him or anything.
Why'd you take your bling off?
Because you're right.
I'm not black.
I'm not gangsta.
I'm just a chubby kid trying to fit in.
But I don't.
We're so fucked!
All those slits and tits next door,
the fucking whores.
They didn't hire you, huh?
No fucking restaurant's going to hire me.
I'm too intimidating.
I called Kiwi's to see if they're hiring.
Only lunch shifts.
I have a friend who works at Nacho's.
I really don't want to work
at a Mexican restaurant.
- Who does?
- Mexicans.
Hey, watch it, fuckers.
Could've told me he's right there.
Nacho's won't hire me, either.
I wrote "Nachos sucks"
in dog shit on their front wall.
How'd they know it was you?
All right, it was my shit, okay?
So just... just leave me alone.
Got a figure out a way to keep
this crap hole from closing.
Hey, if it's meant to be,
it's meant to be.
You shit in your hand?
I believe that the positive energies
that you put out in the universe...
That's kind of hot.
Go on, Eugene, talk to her.
I- I can't.
I masturbate to thoughts
of talking to women.
Crap, I do that.
Later on, we'll get
into good opening lines
that'll break a chick's spirit.
But for now, let's concentrate
on learning how to separate
the pussy from the chaff.
Obviously, you just want to hit on chicks
that'll put out.
So you have to establish a hierarchy.
Take these two over here, sipping the water.
You want a bunch of sober chicks
that are going to be peeing all night?
Unless it's on you, forget it.
Now, this one over here
drinking the Long Island iced tea, bingo.
Now, I'm not saying it's okay
to have sex with women
when they're drunk because...
All right, I'm saying it's okay
to have sex with them
when they're drunk.
How else are you going to get laid?
Now, our friend over here
with the cigarette,
if she's willing to risk lung cancer,
she's willing to risk a
sexually transmitted disease.
And that's a good thing.
Look at this one with the tat.
Tat always means
good to go, right, Eugene?
- Right.
- Wrong.
That's a tattoo of a cross.
That means loves God.
- Right.
- Wrong again.
See the earrings, see the necklace?
Multiple crosses.
Let me break this down.
One cross, loves the Bible.
Four crosses,
hates step-daddy, loves cock.
I want bad Christians.
Now, the key is to find a girl
with several of those traits.
You show me a girl
who's drunk, smoking a cigarette,
with a tattoo on her back
does tons of drugs,
and I'll show you a girl
who'll take two dicks in her ass
at the same time.
I couldn't sit down for a week.
And that's not a bad thing.
And speaking of drugs,
I highly recommend you start buying them.
- Hey, Dennis?
- Oh, hey, Agnew.
How you doing, man?
Uh, I got to run home real quick.
My roommate locked her keys
in the car, I have her spare.
Chicks, man.
They'd forget their own vaginas
if they weren't attached to their legs...
to their torsos.
Good one.
Asshole.
Who's smoking weed?
Guys, what the hell?
Hey, hey.
That's not cool, man.
Can I get a hit of that?
Hell, no, Mason.
You never share
your motherfucking weed.
I always share my weed.
Is that true?
S, he shares.
Yeah. I'm not selfish.
What did Amber have to say?
She was looking for you.
She was?
Now's the time to make
your move, lover boy.
Son of a bitch!
Allison, what the fuck?
It's just one cigarette.
All the girls come out here to smoke.
It's a good excuse to come outside
to, like, hang out.
I was barely inhaling.
You've been working here for one day,
and you're already turned
into Lindsay fucking Lohan?
You take that back.
Agnew.
So that's your boyfriend.
Can I have that?
If a girl's all messed up
on drugs and alcohol
and half-asleep,
I don't think I'd feel right
having sex with her.
That is a moral dilemma, Eugene.
Wait a minute.
I think I have an answer.
Fuck her,
and then the next morning,
fuck her again when she's sober.
If she lets you fuck her
again when she's sober,
then you're out of the woods.
If she doesn't let you fuck her again,
then you got a little bit of a problem.
But wait a minute.
It's not that big a problem
because somebody just got laid,
and that's a good thing.
Fuck corporate.
Meet Dennis Moynahan,
district cooze manager.
Hey, Naomi.
You been crying
like a little bitch in your office?
Looks like this place is
gonna fill up pretty soon.
How's it going up here?
Boring as shit. I hate you.
Maybe you got to work on your attitude
because I've noticed lately
you've been sort of a Negative Nancy.
Well, I'm going to be
a real Cunty McShitterman
if you don't let me back on the floor!
Hey, Naomi,
you're pretty good friends
with Kristy, right?
No.
She a heavy drinker?
We're all heavy drinkers. I just...
I know she smokes.
Does she smoke, uh,
marijuana cigarettes?
She have a tattoo?
Are you a fucking insurance agent?
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Hi.
Hi, cooze queens... cooze persons.
- Three? All righty.
- Yeah.
Ladies. Excuse me.
Someone's parents
didn't pick them up.
Hello, Amber Alert.
Oh, my God.
This guy is being such a jerk.
I just asked him if he wanted
the Early Bird Special,
and he's like, "Do I look
like I can't afford..."
You want me to shit in his food?
Kristy, look at me.
I will shit in his food.
No, I don't think...
That... That's too much.
How about I tug one out in his refill?
No, I... That's...
He doesn't deserve that.
Crop dust.
Hey, Chuck. How's your asshole?
Hey, Suze, come here for a sec.
Hey, Suze. How's it going?
- Good.
- Good.
I want to ask you a question.
Who do you think is sexier?
Trina or Sherry?
I mean, they're both pretty fucking sexy,
but if you had to choose one,
gun to your head, who do you pick?
Uh, well, I wouldn't pick
either of them, personally.
But that's just me.
Are you out of your mind?
Seriously, have you gone crazy?
Look at those girls.
They're fucking smoking hot,
those girls.
They have virtually no body fat,
except where it counts...
So? Neither do I.
Oh, wow.
Interesting, no,
I just never thought of you,
you know, like that.
You know, you're hot,
but, I mean, are you sexy?
Being a slut doesn't
make you sexy, Cal.
It helps.
Well, maybe.
You know, but I'm still, like,
than both of those bitches.
Can you prove it?
Fine.
And that's how it's done.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- She's totally hot.
- Yeah.
You said she wasn't.
She liked that, yeah.
She liked that.
Okay, guys.
We want to detonate quietly.
We want it to creep up on him
and grip him like a noose.
I got one brewing.
Mason, you going to be okay with this?
You're not going to shit
on yourself again, are you?
I hope not.
You know, like, owning what I'm up to.
Yeah, I know.
Really in the spot.
Just get some chicks.
- Just, like, decent-looking.
- Yeah.
- Decent-looking.
- They were cute.
I'm running on empty.
- Smell it?
- No, no. God please, no.
Do I smell weed?
Bro, that ain't weed.
Tell those tools it's on me.
Smells like... like broccoli or something.
Here's your drink, sir.
The bartender took extra
special care of it for you.
Is there a problem
with your ventilation or something?
You know, I don't know,
but I will certainly
check on that for you.
All right.
Look.
You dropped your napkin.
I am sexually aroused right now.
Here. You dropped that.
- Aw, man.
- What the fuck?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Trivia Night is going to start in 15 minutes.
Why does every conversation
dead-end with us talking about tits?
Because tits are what
this entire empire is based on.
I mean, it's inevitable.
Girls with big tits talk shit
about the girls with little tits.
The girls with little tits
talk shit about the girls with big tits.
The girls with real tits
talk shit about the girls with fake tits.
What about the girls with fake tits?
What about them?
They just try to get along with everyone.
And, yeah, okay,
so maybe they got fake tits.
But it really helps them make extra tips,
so it's kind of like
a business investment,
and maybe there's a tiny
self-esteem issue there.
But screw you for judging...
them.
Whoops.
Hey, Kristy.
- Let me ask you a question.
- Hey.
Uh, who do you think is sexier?
Amber or Naomi?
Amber, I guess.
She's younger and not so burnt out.
Uh, do you think she's
sexier than you are?
- I don't know.
- Because I do.
Okay.
That was really mean, Dennis.
- Hello?
- Hey, Dennis.
Just checking to see how it's going.
Oh, uh, real good.
I'm very, very confident
I'm going to get those num...
Yeah, give me a chili dog
and curly fries!
So did you rally your guys?
Yeah. You know,
I gave them one of my famous
halftime speeches...
You didn't tell them
the restaurant's closing, did you?
Uh, yeah, I did.
Jesus, Dennis!
Well, for what it's worth, I told Shull
you're the right man to run the district.
I really talked you up.
Oh, yeah? Great.
But he didn't seem to care.
Said if you're one dollar short,
you'd better get used
to sucking Calvin's farts.
His words.
Later.
The ass is the new vagina.
As a result, my mouth tasted
just like buttermilk.
Fucking great. Black people.
Can I get some hot sauce
and Kool-Aid and not tip?
Agnew, did you ever stop to think
maybe it's because of the
white power structure in this country
screwing over minorities,
and they make less money,
and, you know, don't learn
the etiquette of tipping?
You ever think of that?
All right, Malcolm X.
You want my table?
No, I don't want to mess up
the seating rotation.
Shit, what do I want to eat?
Didn't even know we had
egg rolls. That's really...
Why you so shy around her?
Dude, shut up.
You want me to go
say something for you?
No, no. Hey, I'm serious, all right?
That shit's not funny.
Mase, what's it gonna be, man?
We got to get it in quick
before the rush,
or you're not going to eat.
And you can't miss a meal.
Uh, well, it's between the hamburger
and the chicken sandwich.
Uh, had a hamburger yesterday.
I've been in the mood for chicken, so...
You're gonna order
the chicken sandwich.
Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm
going to get the chick...
Don't think here.
I'm not offering it up for debate.
I'm telling you, you're gonna order
the goddamn chicken sandwich.
Yeah, but I was about to order the...
Don't you "but" me, boy.
You're gonna order
the chicken sandwich
because I am telling you, I will it.
The end.
You know what, Chuck?
Fuck you!
I'm gonna get the hamburger.
I want the chicken sandwich.
You're goddamn right, you do.
You're gonna order
that chicken sandwich right now, Mason.
Now. With fries.
- Curly?
- Yes.
Shenaniganz.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
8 rib-eyes,
- 2 New York strips...
- What?
4 Greek salads...
Okay, let's go! Look at this!
Let's move, let's move.
Come on. Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Step up, will you?
Mary-Kate and Ashley,
what's going on around here?
Naomi just put in
a massive to-go order,
like, a couple thousand dollars' worth.
Thank you so much for your business.
You really saved my ass.
My caterer got killed
on the way to the office.
Yes.
Okay, men.
Thanks to a Hail Mary pass
in the seventh inning,
we are back in the race.
Ha ha! 2 points.
Okay, we can still make that sales goal
and save this restaurant.
You know what that means.
This can either be your biggest failure
or your greatest triumph.
And I don't want to frighten anybody,
but if we don't have
an absolutely perfect dinner shift,
then you're all out on your asses,
maybe even deported.
So let's pull it together
and win, win, win one
for the home team.
And remember,
What is going to happen
to each and every one of you
if this place closes down?
We'll be able to go on unemployment.
Here you go.
Okay, all right, okay.
One margarita, our special...
Remember the butterfly effect.
Go, go, go!
Okay, you've got a Wang Chung,
a dime bag, and a beef vagina walking back.
I got a booger chicken,
a burnt tube steak,
and a Whitney Houston.
I need a Lincoln brown eyes,
two kids' dicks,
and a stripper on the rag.
Got to be careful.
Hi.
Oh, dear.
You guys picked my table.
Folks, my name is Joshua.
Can I get you anything?
Do you have a salad bar?
What's your fish of the day?
No, we don't have a salad bar,
and we don't have
a fish of the day, either, all right?
I- I am so sorry.
Um, can we start over?
My name is Joshua, and I need help.
Can I get you any?
Hey, guys.
I'm really sorry,
but I messed up table 37.
They want honey-glaze on the side.
- Don't you worry.
- It's okay.
Kristy, I love you.
Do you think you could
change it for me?
- Don't you worry.
- It's okay, mami.
Okay, I'll... I'll be right back for it.
- Okay, thank you, guys.
- Bye-bye.
Hey, guys,
table 68 changed their order.
They need that steak well-done.
Just this party of two here.
Right this way, ma'am.
I'm sorry. You're a sir.
Will you tell Naomi
to get her ass up here?
Uh, follow me, please.
Well, hello there, folks.
It's great to see you this evening.
Hey, you too. How long for two of us?
Uh, just a few moments.
We had a little hepatitis
scare in the kitchen,
but we'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.
I can get your name, though.
Two?
We're going to hit a movie, actually.
We don't want to miss any
of the, uh, advertisements.
I- Is there something wrong?
Where you going?
Come back, come back, come back.
It's only Hep A.
Do you work out?
Why doesn't she just
wear knee pads and get it over with?
Totally.
I think I can read
her lips in those shorts.
If she comes on to one more
of my regulars...
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, how's your first day going?
- Good.
Good. Well, if you need any help at all,
- you just let me know.
- Thank you.
You know, maybe sometime
you could help me out with my outfit.
I mean, your top is so symmetrical.
Thanks.
Hey, Raddimus.
Yo.
So, I was, uh, thinking
about your little game
and that position
you were telling me about,
and I was thinking that
if you bent your knees a little more,
wouldn't there be
a better view from the backside?
I don't know, it's just a thought.
What a nice girl.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We don't
allow pets in the restaurant.
Oh, no, he's a guide dog. It's okay.
Are you deaf? We don't allow dogs.
I don't think you understand.
I can't see. He's my guide dog.
He's allowed in.
Why would you go to a tit joint
if you're blind?
Answer that one, Stevie Wonder!
You know something?
If you had a cane,
I'd beat you over
the fucking head with it!
- Hey. Naomi.
- I would! What?
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm helping.
Why don't you go help over at
Shenaniganz, where you work?
You're kidding me.
She doesn't even work here?
- Stay out of this.
- Sorry about this.
I'll have someone
take care of you immediately.
You. Sweet tits.
Now get the hell out of here.
Fuck!
Goddamn cocksucker.
No wonder they're blind.
What are you looking at?
Fucking blind people.
Hey, hey.
You are incredible.
Fucking foreigners.
Okay.
Six Courvoisiers coming right up.
Okay, I'll get that right up for you.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, yeah.
What the fuck is this?
I'm just going by rotation. Fuck off.
Well, start rotating
the Canadians somewhere else.
I want to get off the Soul Train.
Do you have room for a party of four?
- No.
- Yes, we do.
- Yes. We do.
- No.
Great.
No, no.
Hey, hey, hey!
Adrian... Aiden, it's your birthday.
Take it away, ladies.
Ta-Ta's style.
Happy Birthday.
Hi, sir.
I'll be taking care of your service.
Can I get you something to drink?
Uh, yeah, playa. Y'all got any Kool-Aid?
No, we do not have any Kool-Aid.
Well, then, I guess
I'll have a glass of Bordeaux.
Naomi, how many people
on the waiting list?
Oh, my God.
We might just pull this shit
out of our asses after all.
Yeah.
You sure know how to pour.
To our future.
You know what I like
most about you, Dennis?
What's that?
Your money.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
All right.
We've got the house salad for you, sir.
And the broccoli cheese soup.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
Wait.
There's a fly in my soup.
That's disgusting.
Can you cancel
my broccoli cheese soup?
What other soups do you have?
Um, French onion.
Yeah, let's go with that.
Wait, ma'am. I'm... I can replace...
Excuse me, can I switch mine
to French onion too, please?
- French onion, please.
- French onion.
Come on. Hurry.
Get out of my way!
French onion here.
Okay, focus, focus!
French onion, French onion.
Fuck me!
Son of a bitch!
I need fries and onion rings.
Uh, it's going to be a few minutes.
You are fucking me, Mason!
It's gonna be a minute!
- Watch it.
- Out of the way, Miguel.
- Mason, you look stressed.
- Shut up.
- Hey, Mason.
- Shut up. I'm busy.
At the buzzer, 3, 2, 1.
God damn it,
leave me the hell alone!
- Oh, relax, man...
- I'm not gonna relax, okay?
You've been picking on me
all night. Now quit it.
Yeah, suffering succotash, that sucks.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I thought we were
in this together, you know?
Cooks against the waiters?
You keep attacking me!
It's never been "us" against "them."
It's always been me against everyone.
No one's ever done me any favors.
My dad was... is...
is a drunk.
Look, I- I know what it's like.
My dad's an asshole, too.
I've got four brothers,
and he named them all Mason
so he could screw over the IRS.
And it didn't even work.
Now we're all still named Mason.
It's... It's fucked up.
You think that's bad?
Let me show you something.
This is what happens in my house
when you spill paint in the garage.
Sour cream Sanchez!
Son of a bitch, I'm out of here!
- Mason.
- I hope this place does close down.
Screw you all!
I quit!
Oopsie.
I forgot to punch out.
I want our money back!
- Fuck this place.
- Yeah.
I'm not putting up with that shit!
Naomi, why haven't you
set Table 43 and 44 yet?
I have the ten-top that's
going to your station, okay?
So go run some food,
and I'll get your table set up.
Sweet. Thanks.
Son of a bitch.
Uh, I don't know where the manager is.
Nice carry.
Goddamn! Get that shit up
and move it outside.
What's wrong, Jew?
Dropped a quarter or something?
I fucking hate him.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Um, hello?
This is ridiculous.
We've been waiting 45 minutes,
and we still don't have our food.
Okay, I had the manager
comp your appetizer.
I had to wait an hour for veal parmesan
that tastes like her ass.
Looks like you two are getting along.
Fuck you.
Hey, big guy. Here's your napkin.
Looks like you chicks know how to party,
and I like that.
Hank, let's go. Two free ones.
- Two of what?
- Drink thingies.
That's it. We're never eating here again.
This place is a death trap.
- This wine is a fucking asshole.
- I agree.
Excuse me, can I have
some more coffee?
Okay.
Land mine for your love
Soldier gal
I would totally buy your CD.
Naomi. Naomi.
Naomi, what happened to my ten-top?
And why did you seat me
four tables at once?
'Cause Chuck said he'd get me free drinks
if I quadruple sat you.
Why would he do that?
Because welcome
to your nightmare, bitch.
Motherfucker.
That waiter was...
A total douche bag.
There you go.
Hope you enjoyed everything.
I need you to do something
for me, Agnew, okay?
What's that, sir?
I need you to start trying
to be a better person.
What are you talking about?
I'm a great person.
I mean, I- I...
I joke around a lot, but...
Yeah. But after years
of always jokin',
you may find you're no longer jokin'.
Oh, what the fuck?
Josh, you still pissed about that?
Yes! I'm still pissed about it.
Come on.
You shouldn't be.
You have the cutest little balls
I've ever seen.
Fuck this! I quit.
I don't think he took that the right way.
Well, well, well.
Nick and T-dawg together again.
Hey, you two used to be
some pretty good rappers, as I recall.
We were fucking jokes.
White kids that want to be black
is a little dated and clich.
Let me tell you what isn't.
White kids that want to be white.
Hey, fuck you, whitey!
Okay, you are all set.
Thank you so much. Have a great one.
I used to work here.
Really?
Wow, crazy.
So what do you do now?
Oh, I'm a danc... you know,
an exotic... like... a stripper.
Right. You... Right.
Um, so how's the money?
Oh, I mean, look. I started off,
like, as a normal waitress, you know?
And I never even thought
I'd work at Ta-Ta's
'cause the outfits are so low-cut and...
But I swore to myself
that I would never take off
my clothes for money.
You know, never,
until I met a girl who worked at Cheetah's,
and she made, like,
- Whoa.
... so I did that,
you know, for the money, totally.
But I told myself I would
only do a topless bar,
like, no bottomless. No way.
No, no, no.
And then I found out
how much they make.
Like, at the all-nude clubs, and so...
Doing that for a few months.
But, like, no contact.
I mean, I work with girls
who do that, and...
I don't know, part of me wonders
when I'm going to let go
of that boundary too, right?
I mean, right?
For the money, just for the money.
Right, uh, anyway, thanks.
I need to talk to you.
No.
You were so awesome today, baby.
Hailey, what's up?
What is up?
- I quit.
- Why?
I just found out I can make, like,
$500 a night working at Cheetah's.
Cheetah's, whoo!
God, we lost a good one.
So, we still on for tonight?
Um, let's do it another time, okay?
Listen, the important thing here is not
to blame yourself or Trina.
Trina?
Yeah, um, she won the battle.
But hey, listen, I have confidence,
if you really bring the sexy,
you can win the fucking war.
- Screw her, all right?
- Done.
I promise you that any sick shit
that that trashy bitch can do
I can do, like, ten times better.
- Keep that energy.
- Bitch!
- Just bring it.
- You bitch!
Keep that passion.
That's what I'm talking about.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, Cal.
Love you. Okay, listen.
I just need to close up here,
and, uh, I'm going
to hook up with my boy.
I'm going to pick up some party favors.
And we're going to party
all night long.
Oh, my God, awesome.
Hey, I'm even getting
some muscle relaxers,
- in case you want to bring your "A" game.
- Yeah.
All right, I'll see you later, all right?
All right.
Let's do this.
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, the band rocks.
I go onstage, people stop eating.
It's just that I feel
if I don't make my move
in the next few years,
I'm going to become that creepy old guy,
you know, that guy.
Well, good news is
being an old-ass bartender
is pretty depressing, too.
Especially in a place like this.
I mean, holy shit, this is a bigger dump
than the one I worked in.
You know, it's funny.
I was at a bit of a moral crossroads
myself a few years ago.
I didn't want to be a server,
and I didn't want to get stuck
in upper management, so I quit.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
You followed your dream.
Yeah.
Yes, I did.
I was unemployed for a long time.
And, um, I got so desperate,
I took a job at Jack's Steak House
as an assistant manager,
which was then bought out
by the company that owns Shenaniganz.
I fucked it all up, uh...
You know Internet porn?
I think I must have drifted
because I lost, uh...
I tried to... I jumped out of a window.
But it was a second-story window,
and I broke my ankle,
and I got sort of like a little head injury,
then I became addicted to...
Have you ever heard of, uh, OxyContin?
Oh, yeah.
Got to piss.
Yeah.
So if you're on MySpace,
get the fuck off of it.
Be honest with yourself.
I don't know, I don't know.
Because of the drinking,
I tend... I get very verbose.
And some of the other pills I'm on,
it makes me kind of ramble.
Here's my point.
You got a great moustache.
Oh, this is what
I was going to tell you.
Whichever path you choose,
it's just going to go like this,
and then it's eventually going to go...
straight back to the middle.
That's where you're going to
spend the rest of your life...
But it won't be so fast,
like you know it.
It's going to take a while, man.
You're going to pick up
some hobbies along the way.
You're going to probably
going to do a lot...
You're going to become
a chronic masturbator.
And then eventually,
you're going to be like,
"Holy shit, should I put on a blue shirt,
or should I kill myself?"
I always put on the shirt.
So, fucking irony of ironies,
here I am with a head injury,
uh, top dog
in the Shenaniganz world.
And now what I'm going to do is
trample on the soul
of a middle-aged man.
Which sadly, is one of the only joys
that I have left in my life.
That and, um, as I said,
Internet porn and OxyContin.
Tell you what I'm not going to do.
I'm not paying for that drink.
Thanks, man.
Okay.
You don't deserve
an ugly bastard stepchild.
Well, well, well.
You knew the score, and you let me down.
And you know what that means?
It means you tarnished the uniform.
I know what it means, Dan.
It means you don't have
what it takes to handle district.
- Get up.
- Sit down, dude.
Sit down. Hey, Dean.
Mr. Shull, okay?
You don't get
to call me Dean anymore.
You got some mayonnaise or semen
on the collar of your shirt.
Listen, Dennis, I'm really sorry, but...
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
It looks like you're
going to be store manager
for a few more years,
and I do apologize about that.
But, uh, if Dan here
is any inspiration,
you know, you can, uh,
certainly learn a lot from his incompetence.
That's right.
Not a compliment, Dan.
Whenever you get
down about yourself,
whenever you have
moments of self-doubt,
just look over here and say,
"It could be worse."
- Thank you.
- I mean that, man.
Well, thank you.
I have a lot of pity on you.
Okay, well,
that was a good trip.
I need, uh, I actually
need some money.
Cash, right now, if you could.
- $20 would do it.
- I got a...
- I need about 20.
- $20?
Make it a 50. Just round up.
Make it an even 50.
That'll make it easier for me.
Um, sure.
Perfect. Ask, and ye shall receive.
Ulysses S. Grant,
where the fuck did my life go wrong?
So you think we made it?
Place seemed pretty busy, right?
We're screwed.
You bitches better be
dusting off your rsums.
Shit, I need this job.
Well, you know Ta-Ta's is hiring.
They're looking for bus boys.
Asian schoolboy busboys.
Well, guys,
we had a great night tonight.
We set a franchise record tonight.
Yes!
My God. I told you.
All right. Unfortunately,
it was not, uh, enough.
We didn't make the mark.
We came in at 7,200.
- What?
- What that mean, man?
God, I'm screwed.
I'm so screwed.
Fuck, so the restaurant's closing?
No.
I mean, the restaurant
is not closing down.
The restaurant...
The restaurant was never...
Dennis, what the fuck
are you talking about?
- You lied to us...
- Are you fucking with us?
The restaurant isn't closing down
because I paid the difference.
- What?
- Really?
You paid $1,800 out of your own pocket?
You live with your mom.
I couldn't let them
shut this place down
when we were this close to the mark!
This close to making it all the way
to the top of the thermometer?
How could I let that go by?
I'm going to wind up
in the gutter again,
sucking meth for dick.
This restaurant stays open,
and I am going to be its manager.
Of this restaurant.
Just this one.
Hey.
Dennis, um, we are going out,
and I thought maybe
you'd want to join us.
- Do you wanna come?
- Really?
Yeah, really.
Is that a yes?
Well, I have a lot to do,
so I'm... I'll check my schedule.
Okay.
Yes.
He can maybe come.
Well, so, I told you,
everything does happen
for a reason, right?
Screw Ta-Ta's.
Yeah!
Screw Ta-Ta's.
Calvin wouldn't know a pair of tits
if it raped him in the woods.
I mean, seriously, you guys!
Take a look at these!
- Whoa!
- Oh, Jesus!
Yeah!
Motherfucker, how'd you
like these apples?
Yeah, man.
That's what you want to do.
Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. Those are beautiful.
Hey, uh...
Heck, why don't you and I
go get a drink?
- Oh, man.
- Get out.
What'd you say?
You said "Get out"?
What are you pointing at?
What does that mean?
You're pointing at...
Did you leave something...
What's going on?
Guys don't play hard-to-get.
Yeah, they do.
- They don't?
- No.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, babe.
I got, like, another half hour.
Get a drink at the bar, if you want.
Yeah, um, actually,
I think you're gonna need
to find another ride home.
What the hell are you talking about?
I just realized you're
not good enough for me.
We both knew that.
That never stopped you before.
Hey, baby. You ready to go?
I sure am.
What the hell?
Don't worry about it.
It's probably just sex.
She was in Milan
Struttin' for Dior
I was in Iraq
Fightin' a little war
- Doing the best I could
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
- To keep America free
Put it on his check.
- Yeah.
- Very nice, Dennis.
You're good at that, you little brown guy.
What blue eyes
Love meeting people playing pool.
Oh, you need to make a shot.
I'm so sorry.
Kind of got me in the gut.
- I think I've got a new recipe.
- There he is.
It's a mushroom stuffed with ziti.
- Hey, man. How you doing?
- Hey.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Stay cool, kid. See you.
Yeah, okay. All right.
Okay. All right!
Allow me.
Hello. My name's Stan.
What can I get you to drink?
A shot of tequila.
Well, that's great, isn't it?
Make it two.
All right, then. Hold on.
Seriously, guys.
I'm... I'm sorry. You know?
I suck.
I pussied out.
I know you guys were only kidding
with the sour cream Sanchez thing,
and I took it personally,
so put a quarter in my ass
'cause I played myself.
Hi.
There you go, miss.
Hey. Amber, is it?
I think I've heard about... Hello?
Went to the...
It wasn't the fryer that was
so overwhelming, you know?
It was those fucking
French onion soups
that you stick in the goddamn toaster.
Aye. God.
For God's sake, cunt bastard.
Do you know who I am?
And I've got delicate hands, man.
I think, you know,
I've got the princest.
Hello.
How come you've never
talked to me before?
I mean, really talk to me?
We've worked together
five or six times,
and I never even knew
you spoke like that.
No.
I love it.
I love the way you talk.
I just can't believe I never knew.
Most people don't think
it's as cool as you do.
So...
Wait a second.
You're fuckin' with me, right?
Chuck put you up to this?
Goddamn.
You're not gonna smear sour cream
on my upper lip, are you?
I got a lactose prob...
I just got some kind bud.
Do you want to go back
to my place and smoke out?
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Uh, okay.
Goddamn it.
You can do this.
Separate the pussy from the chaff.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Hey, you.
You mind if I sit down?
Naomi.
Hey, uh,
you ready to get back
on the floor as a server?
I guess you've done enough
time at the door, right?
I think you've had enough
time being a dick hole.
That's not very nice.
I was going to say
you look pretty tonight.
Hey.
- Hey, that's my...
- Hey, hey.
That's my mouth.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, Cal.
Hey. So, uh, let's
get out of here, huh?
Let's go back to my house.
I was thinking we could, uh,
do some drugs, right?
And make... make out with each other.
There's something
different about you.
You got a haircut.
No. Same hair.
Just I got my hat on.
That's what it is. It's the hat.
It's pretty slick, huh?
Why, is it not slick?
Is something wrong?
Listen, I'm going to stay here
and listen to the band
a little longer.
Why don't you call me later?
Maybe I'll come by. Okay?
What?
Maybe you'll come by?
I have drugs.
Does that say "PUD"?
Oh, my God.
How'd that get there?
Fuck it.
- Whoa!
- Fuck you, loser.
- Piss in my asshole!
- No.
Shit in my mouth.
What the fuck?
- Jesus Christ.
- I...
That's your dick.
This is my vagina.
I- I got to go.
W- What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I thought maybe that
now that you're sober,
you know, we could do it again and...
Sorry.
- All right, fuck it.
- Whoa.
I have a kidney problem.
Even better.
I used to drink 40s
But I hated the taste
Put twists in my hair
because I hated my race
I hated my face
when I looked in the mirror
Things were fuzzy,
but now they're much clearer
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who's the dopest rapper
with the biggest black balls?
Not you or me, because
we're white, remember?
We're whiter than Santa Claus'
pubes in December
Socrates said
be as you wish to seem
I guess I wish to seem
like a fat black teen
I don't got a gangsta lean,
I got scoliosis
I say corny phrases like "Holy Moses"
"Holy Moses" or "Holy Jesus"
Can't decipher the universe,
there's so many pieces
But it doesn't make sense
because "uni" means one
So we're trapped in one verse
that revolves around the sun
And since "E equals MC squared"
That means we're two MCs
but our brain is shared
Shared, shared, shared
We're whiter than Santa Claus'
pubes in December
We're whiter than Santa Claus'
pubes in December
Just 'cause we're smart
doesn't mean we're not gross
I'll spread your pussy lips
for Shenaniganz toast
Yum, pussy toast,
pussy, pussy, pussy toast
I kill that pussy,
then fuck your pussy's ghost
Your clitoris is longer
than a magic beanstalk
When I climb to the top,
a giant suck my mean cock
I'm the Van Gogh of rhyming
I cut up my own hymen
Three fingers in,
but soon I'll have five in
I come so much,
you'll be slippin' and slidin'
My dick's higher on
the "Wanted" list than bin Laden
I fuck mad ducks 'cause
I'm addicted to quack
And they eat stale bread
right off my fat back
It's okay if you're chubby,
that's why they got lipo
I'll suck your back fat
then I'll spit it at a white ho
Got to stop bangin'
those psycho dyke hos
when I was 5 years old
I was fuckin' on my trike, yo
My cum is stickier than Krazy Glue
Girl, you wearing contacts,
your eyes are crazy blue
I give bitches OCD,
then they won't let me go
'Cause they need to have my dick
Three times in a row
Damn, three in a row
like Tic-Tac-Toe
I'll make your face red
'cause I'm a dick-smack pro
You're good at riding dick
but let's talk about BJs
Your technique's sloppy
like amateur DJs
Well, my girl does it right,
she drinks all my babies
Her mouth full of foam
'cause she got slut rabies
Yum, pussy toast,
pussy, pussy, pussy toast
Yum, pussy toast,
pussy, pussy, pussy toast
Just 'cause we're gross
doesn't mean we're not smart
Got a dog named Napoleon,
he chews my boner-part
No, that shit doesn't
matter, matter, matter
You constellations of sperm
to see the universe splatter
I fucked a black hole
to see my dick disappear
Into a multidimensional creature's ear
On a subatomic level, man,
you're being kind of gay
Get your ShoMoFo tongue
in your mouth all day?
We're just a pale blue dot
suspended in a sunbeam
Fuckin' bars of soap
'Cause it's time for us to come clean
I fucked a black hole
to see my dick disappear
I fucked a black hole
I fucked a black hole
to see my dick disappear
I fucked a black hole
Keep stoned for days.
Suck a duck, yo.
Fuck you.
Subtitled By J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
- Quit it. Stop it.
- I know.
Who the fuck are any of you
to laugh at me?
Huh? Agnew! You big-eared,
Cro-Magnon Aryan fuck!
Why are you so racist?
Using the "N" word isn't cool.
I don't use the "N" word.
Oh, yeah, good one.
And you!
You walk into a place, everyone's like,
"Oh, he's hardcore."
You play World of Warcraft, all right?
You probably haven't
even stolen anything.
You motherfucker!
I hope you burn in hell!
Yeah!
Easy, Jew.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm a musician.
Yeah!
Yes! Come to me.
Come to me, ladies.
Yes. Oh, God.
Oh. Rub my chest. Rub my chest.
Yeah!