1
(gunshots)
(speaks Chinese)
(shouting)
(speaks Chinese)
(shouting)
As magistrate of this village,
it is my duty to warn you
that Hi Chung, the bandit,
is on his way here.
Thank you for telling us.
- Shall I pack?
- No.
- But, Alfred...
- We are missionaries.
Providence sent us here to fight evil,
not flee from it.
Will you allow me to take
little Ching-Ching out of harm's way?
Barbara will remain here with us.
And I wish you would not refer to her
as Ching-Ching.
Mr Kruikshank, you may do as you wish
with your own life.
But Ching... Barbara is a child.
- Her honourable parents were my friends.
- I know.
But they did not desert their post
when danger threatened.
No.
And they were killed.
Please. Alfred!
I have decided.
(they speak Chinese)
(uproar)
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
- Greetings, most honourable Sun Lo.
- Greetings, Ching-Ching.
May your shadow lengthen always
in the sun of happiness.
Thank you.
May the bird of prosperity
continue to nest in your rooftop.
(they speak Chinese)
I hope you will always remember
the sayings of our wise men.
I will, because you taught them to me.
It was a great privilege
to instruct the daughter of my friends,
your honourable father and mother.
Friendship is a tree of shelter
from the rains of trouble.
Yes.
And so it is my wish to protect you
from trouble that may be here very soon.
- What kind of trouble?
- Bad men.
- There will be looting and destruction.
- Oh...
I have arranged for Chang to take you to the
home of my honourable brother in Shanghai.
Shanghai? Oh, that's wonderful.
I remember all the beautiful stories
my daddy used to tell me about it.
But I'm afraid I'll have to ask
Mr Kruikshank for his permission.
You know, he's awfully strict with me.
Don't worry about that, my little one.
I will satisfactorily explain for you.
You will?
Oh, thank you, most honourable Sun Lo.
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
Goodbye, my little friend.
I shall see you very soon.
And until then, the memory of you will bloom
like a flower in the garden of my heart.
(ship's whistle)
(speaks Chinese)
(they speak Chinese)
(shouts in Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
(barks)
Shh!
I know you're hungry, but stop barking.
Your stomach has no ears.
(speaks Chinese)
Where's Chang?
Chang! Oh, Chang!
Chang!
I guess he went for breakfast.
And that's what you want, isn't it?
Hey! Hey!
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
As Sun Lo says, one cannot eat gold,
but one cannot eat without it.
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
Come on, Mr Wu,
we'll find something to eat.
Oh, no, no. Is there anyone here who
speaks English? I want to buy something.
(speaks Chinese)
Look, I want to buy a dragon's head.
Head. Though I can't imagine why.
(merchant speaks Chinese)
No, me likee buy one piecee dragon head.
Catch on?
(speaks Chinese)
Lookee.
Dragon. Head. See?
Isn't there anyone who understands English?
I can, mister.
Hello. You wouldn't by any chance be able
to understand Chinese too, would you?
(speaks Chinese)
Oh...
- Can you ask him how much he wants for it?
- (speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
- He says $15.
- $15.
No, no.
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
- What's wrong now?
- He's trying to cheat you.
The price is $5. Look.
Oh, yes, so it is.
- $5.
- (speaks Chinese)
(mimics Chinese)
Huh?
As Sun Lo says, all things have two prices,
one for the foolish.
You know, you look so young
but you talk so old. How come?
In a junk from Sanchow.
No, I meant how come... Oh, well.
I guess we don't talk the same language
in more ways than one.
You've been so nice, I'll buy you something.
What shall it be?
Come on, what would you like?
A soup bone.
- A what?
- A soup bone.
For my dog. He's awful hungry.
You'll never get ahead in life
if you go around asking for bones.
Do you think your mother would mind
if you joined us in a soup bone?
- I haven't gotten a mother.
- Oh.
- Well, your father, or family?
- I haven't any family.
- I haven't even got Chang.
- Who's Chang?
He brought me from Sanchow,
and then he ran away with my money.
Oh, a lady in distress?
Just my specialty. Well, you come along with
us to lunch then you can tell me all about it.
- Thank you, but I couldn't eat any lunch.
- Why not?
Cos I haven't had breakfast yet.
(honks horn)
Menu, please.
There's the menu up there.
No, it's all Greek to me.
No, it's Chinese.
Well, go ahead and order
for Mr Wu and your Uncle Tommy.
All right.
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
Those things cost a lot.
Have you got enough money?
- Too much, so I'm told.
- (speaks Chinese)
I told him to make it two soup bones.
- Do you live here, Uncle Tommy?
- No, just here today. My boat sails tonight.
- Going home?
- No, just travelling around.
- No place in particular.
- You must be an orphan too.
Unfortunately not.
You mean you don't like
your father and mother?
Well, it seems we get along better
with a couple of thousand miles between us.
So, there they are and here I am,
and everybody's happy.
More or less.
There you are, Mr Wu.
You certainly are extravagant, Ching-Ching.
Thank you.
What's "stravagant" mean, Uncle Tommy?
- That means you're pretty nice.
- Then I think you're stravagant too.
I promised to pick up some friends here
but first I'll get you straightened out.
- Will you wait?
- Sun Lo says patience is like wealth.
Many talk about it, but few possess it.
- Sun Lo is quite a conversationalist.
- I don't know, but he talks a lot.
Aw!
(honks horn)
Ah, hail to the chief!
- Hello, Tommy.
- Kay.
- Tommy, darling.
- Dora.
- Colonel, have you been drinking?
- A mere aperitif, a soupon of brandy.
- Yes, master?
- Bring us flagons of your rarest nectar.
And bring it with the speed of an antelope.
We perish, we swoon.
Yes, master. Black Label all round?
- Right.
- Not for me.
Do these old ears hear right?
Could it be Thomas, the pride of the Randalls,
has refused a drink?
- Right.
- My boy, are you ill?
Uh-uh. In fact, Colonel,
I am still under the spell of a good woman.
(barks)
Mr Wu! Mr Wu!
You come back here this very minute.
Mr Wu!
Mr Wu! Mr Wu!
Now, where did you find this good woman?
I didn't know there were any more left.
Come on outside. I'll introduce you,
but remember, I saw her first.
- What about us? Can't we go too?
- Sure, come on. It'll do you good.
Now, none of your Rabelaisian lip.
This girl has led a very sheltered life.
As if I ever said anything that would raise
a faint blush on the cheek of...
Looks like she stood you up.
Nice goings-on, I must say.
Here she is. Hey.
Why don't you go all the way in?
Maybe she's down the cellar.
- That's funny.
- At least she left you the car.
- Sometimes they don't even do that.
- She must be someplace.
- Come on, let's go on in.
- When you find her, yell. We'll be at the bar.
Now, let her go, lad. Better fish in the sea.
You know, this reminds me
of an experience I had in Kansas City.
I met this little lady.
Very fine and very demure.
Mr Wu, you oughta be ashamed.
(thunder)
(Tommy hums a tune)
- Just like a lullaby, eh, Colonel?
- Hmm.
A Chinese lullaby.
- Oh, there you are, Mr Randall, sir.
- Little Lord Fauntleroy.
- Go away. I don't want to talk to you.
- Your car. We must get it aboard.
- The captain's holding up the boat, sir.
- All on account of you, Atkins.
You're a heedless, thoughtless butterfly.
No consideration for others. No...
I thought so.
Colonel, this man's been drinking.
Please, sir, we must hurry, sir. Now, please.
See here.
- Steady, Atkins, steady.
- Now, Tommy, we mustn't be too harsh.
I used to have an uncle that drank.
It's a madness in the blood.
Please, sir, I can walk for myself, sir.
You'll be all right,
but you mustn't shout like that.
We'll get you back on the boat
safe and sound.
It's quite all right.
I can really get there myself.
- It's quite all right.
- Get in there.
- Get in, Tommy, and hold him there.
- No, sir, I'm not drunk, I assure you.
- Are you sober enough to drive?
- Look out.
(ship's whistle)
(Mr Wu yaps)
- I could've sworn I heard something.
- I bet it's a stowaway.
Who's there?
If there's anybody down here, let's find them.
(rattling)
You search behind the sacks. You too.
You check behind the cars.
Steward! Steward!
We found a stowaway in the hold,
but he got away.
Very well.
Jenkins, spread a general alarm.
We seem to have stowaways aboard.
At once, sir.
(bell)
Come in.
- Right there, steward.
- Yes, missy.
You were told to watch for stowaways
before we sailed.
- I did, sir.
- Well, if we find one, you'll be out of a job.
You can come back for these things
in half an hour, steward.
And, mind you, he was only 12.
Richard spoke up as quick as a flash,
and what do you think he said, Susan?
"You may use my bicycle, Geraldine."
"I love sport, but I love
the principles of manhood more."
- I'm afraid I'm boring you.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Hope.
- Richard told me that story three times.
- I tell it not because Richard is my son.
I tell it merely because I believe that you,
as his future wife, might be interested.
Apparently, I was mistaken.
Mark my words, Susan, the time will come
when you'll be just as devoted to Richard...
But I am devoted to him. Only...
Only you have a peculiar way
of demonstrating your devotion.
Who is in there?
(Mr Wu growls)
(screams)
Help! Help!
- Help!
- What happened?
- There's a man in there.
- What's up?
- The stowaway.
- He growled at me.
- (door rattles)
- Come out.
Come out of there or I'll blow you out.
Well, I'll be...
- Aw, the poor little thing. We frightened her.
- She's frightened us.
- What's your name?
- In Chinese or American?
What?
In American it's Barbara Stewart.
But in Chinese it's Ching-Ching.
- What are you doing here?
- Hiding.
Hiding? Why?
The man said I was a stowaway.
- Well, are you?
- I... I guess so. What's a stowaway?
- How did you ever get on this ship, anyway?
- I don't know.
I never heard of such a thing in all my life.
I can't understand it.
- Neither can I.
- Oh, please don't be impertinent.
- She didn't mean to be. Did you, dear?
- No, I didn't.
- What's all this?
- We found the stowaway.
- Where is he?
- It's a she, sir.
It's this child here.
What, you?
I guess so.
She doesn't even know how she got aboard.
- What am I gonna do with you, young lady?
- I'll look after her.
- Susan, don't be absurd.
- She won't be any trouble.
Fine, Miss Parker. Bring her to my quarters
after lunch and we'll have a talk with her.
- You can return to your post now, Jenkins.
- Aye, sir.
See you later, stowaway.
(Mr Wu barks)
Captain, can we put this... animal
in the kennel?
Oh!
They'll take good care of it.
You'll give it a big dinner.
Why, of course I will. Here.
Don't you worry, I'll take care of it.
It isn't an it, sir. It's a him.
I've never had a dress as nice as this.
The ship's store is full of them.
All you have to do is get this one dirty
and we'll find you another one.
Do you think your mother
will like me better now I look beautiful?
- Mrs Hope isn't my mother.
- No?
Well, that is, not yet.
- See?
- Yes, I see.
It's time we turned the child
over to the captain.
After all, charity has its limits.
What did you mean when you said you didn't
know how you got on this ship? You must.
But I don't, honestly.
The last thing I remember
is that I fell asleep in Uncle Tommy's car.
Uncle Tommy? Tommy who?
Randall. Tommy Randall.
- (both) Tommy Randall!
- Mm-hm.
- Your Uncle Tommy is on board this ship.
- He is?
I might've known you were his niece.
- He's a problem child too.
- I'll take you to him, Ching-Ching.
Considering his reputation,
you'd better turn her over to the captain.
Very well.
Well, it seems odd, but with Mr Randall,
nothing surprises me.
- Good morning, Captain.
- Good morning, Atkins.
- We'd like to see Mr Randall.
- Mr Randall's still asleep, sir.
- Well, it's about time he got up.
- Mr Randall never gets up until two, sir.
(laughs) I'm sorry, but this is important,
so you'd better call him.
- Mr Randall will be very annoyed, sir.
- Tell him a pretty lady wants to see him.
- If I know Tommy Randall, that'll get him up.
- Yes, I'm afraid it will, sir.
Won't you be seated, please?
- I beg your pardon, sir.
- (snoring)
- I beg your pardon, sir!
- Go away, Fauntleroy.
Sorry, but there's a young lady to see you.
- Huh?
- There's a young lady to see you.
I think it's rather urgent.
- That's bad.
- She's very beautiful, sir.
Oh?
- Well, that's not so bad.
- She has a child with her, sir.
Oh, that is bad.
She also has the captain with her.
He insists on seeing you.
That's very bad.
Here you are, sir.
- What's that?
- Your chequebook, sir.
Oh...
I don't know what your game is,
but I never saw you before.
I have witnesses to my whereabouts
for the past 27 years.
- Mr Randall!
- Uncle Tommy!
Ching-Ching. What on earth...? Please forgive
me, I'm awfully sorry. I'm not quite awake yet.
What are you doing on this boat?
I'm a stowaway, but I didn't mean to be.
- I waited in your automobile like you said.
- But I went out and looked for you.
Well, you see, after a while, it started to rain.
So I got in the back
and pulled the cover down.
Oh, you poor kid.
- I'm awfully sorry.
- But I like being a stowaway, Uncle Tommy.
This is Susan Parker, my best friend.
He's my best friend too.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- Don't you think she's stravagant?
- She's magnificent.
Oh, thank you.
- Charming little niece you have, Mr Randall.
- I'm not really his niece, Susan.
- He's just pretending.
- Why...?
- But aren't you the child's uncle?
- No.
We met in Shanghai yesterday.
- Oh, Ching-Ching, you told me...
- I didn't mean to tell a fib.
I was just scared, and I knew
Uncle Tommy would help me.
You know I will. I'm sorry, Captain,
to have caused all this trouble.
I'll accept full responsibility.
I'll be only too glad to pay for her passage.
I'll have to communicate with her people.
From what she tells me, she has no people.
In fact, she has all the earmarks of a waif.
But she must have someone.
She didn't live in China by herself.
I lived with the Kruikshanks,
but they won't care if I stay here.
- Who are the Kruikshanks, dear?
- They're missionaries in Sanchow.
Make a note of that name and get in touch
through the American consul.
In the meantime, I'll look after her.
This time, I really mean it.
I'm inclined to think that Miss Parker
is better company for the child.
Oh, he's good company too.
Maybe you had better go with Miss Parker.
You can call her Susan like I do.
Can't he, Susan?
Well, I suppose so.
I'll see you later, then, Ching-Ching.
- And I hope you too... Susan.
- Thank you.
- Bye, Uncle Tommy.
- Goodbye, darling.
Goodbye, Uncle Tommy.
Goodbye, Uncle Tommy.
Uncle Tom's cabin.
(ship's whistle)
- I can't understand it, Atkins.
- Understand what, sir?
Your gross neglect of your duties.
The most beautiful girl in the world
is on this ship and you never told me.
Begging your pardon, sir,
but you don't usually have to be told.
- Who is she?
- You met her mother on Monday night.
- I did?
- Unhappily, sir.
I...
- I didn't...?
- You did, sir.
Let me have it, Atkins.
You emptied a bottle of champagne
in her lap, sir.
Oh!
(meows)
(mimics a train whistle)
Ding, ding!
(mimics train whistle)
Ding, ding!
Now, now, come, come, Atkins.
You can do better than that.
- You're not even trying.
- I thought it was rather good, sir.
Perhaps you can suggest something else
that I can imitate better.
Well, let me see...
- Sleepy?
- Mm-hm.
It's not ten yet. You'll never be popular
if you fold up right after dinner.
Begging your pardon, sir,
but I think it's customary
for little children to retire rather early.
- Is it really your bedtime, Ching-Ching?
- Mm-hm.
- Atkins, prepare Miss Ching-Ching for bed.
- Me, sir?
- I don't know anything about children.
- I've never...
- There's a first time for everything.
- Sir, this is very awkward.
Please, Uncle Tommy, I can undress myself.
I always do.
- I wish I could say the same.
- Oh, thank you, Miss.
Now, you close your eyes. Come on.
Atkins, a lullaby for Miss Ching-Ching.
- A what, sir?
- A lullaby.
- You know, a vocal Mickey Finn.
- Sir, I can't sing a lullaby.
You're one of the most untalented persons
I've ever met.
Can't do imitations or sing.
How do you ever entertain your friends?
- I can try, sir.
- Very well, start crooning.
One, two...
(flat) Lullaby baby on the treetop
Lullaby baby on the treetop
- Oh...
- Please. You'll give her nightmares.
Perhaps you could do better yourself, sir.
(too low) Rock-a-bye baby on... (coughs)
(too high) ..on...
I'm not in very good voice tonight.
I know a lullaby my mommy used to sing me.
I'll teach it to you.
Things have come to a pretty pass
when a baby has to sing herself to sleep.
Sit down, Atkins.
Very well, Ching-Ching. Go ahead.
Good night, my love
Your mommy is kneeling beside you
Good night, my love
To dreamland the sandman will guide you
Come, now, you sleepyhead
Close your eyes, go to bed
My precious sleepyhead
You mustn't play peekaboo
Good night, my love
Your little Dutch dolly is yawning
Good night, my love
Your teddy bear's called it a day
Your doggy's fast asleep
(tuts)
My, but he's smart
Sleep tight, my love
Good night, my love
God bless you
Pleasant dreams
Sweetheart
(knocking)
- Should I...?
- I didn't make any noise.
- Is she asleep?
- (Ching-Ching) Not yet.
Well, you should be.
- Good night, darling.
- Good night, Aunt Susan.
- Good night, Uncle Tommy.
- Good night, darling.
Good night, Atkins.
You've been very sweet to that child,
Mr Randall. Good night.
Good night? Don't tell me
you go to bed at ten o'clock too?
- Let me see you to your room.
- It's only four doors away.
Still, let me come with you.
You might meet somebody.
Footpads, thugs, people like that.
It's not safe for a girl to be out alone
after dark on the ocean.
(jazz band plays)
it's beautiful.
Yes, beautiful.
And so peaceful.
- Peaceful too.
- It's really almost overdone, isn't it?
The moonlight on the water.
Stars in the sky. Music.
They might've at least had the decency
to omit the music.
Yes, everything is here. Including you.
And me. Taken all together,
that spells romance.
- Not for me.
- Why not?
- Romance takes two.
- We've got two here.
Yes, but not the right two.
You see, I'm engaged.
Oh...
To Richard Hope. Mrs Hope's son, you know.
- Yes, I know.
- He's meeting the boat at Bangkok.
- We're to be married there.
- Mm-hm? And why Bangkok?
He lives there. He's with an exporting firm.
- Exporting what?
- Oh, ivory, apes, peacocks.
Things like that. He came out here
two years ago and he's worked very hard.
You mean to say you've been engaged for two
years and you haven't seen him in that time?
You Latins.
What a hot-blooded race you are!
Well, Richard isn't quite like that. We've
known each other since we were children.
Oh, I see.
Well, I must say, it all sounds very lyrical.
- Well, it may not be exactly lyrical.
- Me, of course, I've never been engaged.
Not definitely, that is.
- But if I were to be...
- Not definitely is right.
I seem to recall something
in the newspapers:
"Millionaire playboy
sued for breach of promise."
I practically won that suit.
She only got $10,000.
Poor kid, she'd been counting on 50.
$10,000?
That's more than Richard earns in a year.
Well, you shouldn't be so narrow. After all,
I can't help it if I've been cursed with wealth.
Not that it isn't as nice a curse
as anyone could ask for.
- Have you ever worked for a living?
- Pardon?
You know, work. Like most people do.
Oh, work. Of course. I've worked my father...
Why should I take a job
from someone else who needs it?
I sacrifice myself
for the good of humanity. See?
Do you know what you are?
No, but I have a feeling
that you're about to tell me.
A museum piece. You should be in a glass
case in an exhibit of the terrible Twenties,
cocktail shaker in your hand, shirt scrawled
with chorus girls' telephone numbers,
and a label - "Playboy BC, Before The Crash,
former habitat, Broadway, now extinct."
Hmm...
You don't exactly pull your punches, do you?
Would it please you to know that I feel
about that high and six years old?
You should grow up.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Oh, but forget it. At least forget it for now.
I'm really not a reformer always.
Anyway, beneath that too-smooth exterior
beats a heart of gold... I think.
- It's beating awfully fast right now.
- Good night.
(band plays "Goodnight, My Love")
Sing it. There's no one here but you and me.
And the China Sea.
But it's a love song.
Just doesn't fit the occasion.
That's all right. It's only a popular song.
You didn't write the words.
- I'm warning you, if you don't sing it, I will.
- You win.
Good night, my love
The tired old moon is descending
Good night, my love
My moment with you now is ending
it was so heavenly
Holding you close to me
it will be heavenly
To hold you again in a dream
The stars above
have promised to meet us tomorrow
Till then, my love,
how dreary the new day will seem
So for the present, dear, we'll have to part
Sleep tight, my love
Good night, my love
Remember that you're mine
Sweetheart
- (music ends)
- (distant applause)
Susan!
- Good night.
- Good night.
- And... good night to you too.
- Good night!
- See that this is sent at once.
- Yes, ma'am.
- How long do we have here, Purser?
- 12 hours, ma'am.
- This would be nice for the little girl.
- Do you like that?
- I think it's beautiful.
- All right, we'll take that too.
When I get big, I'm gonna marry
a man like you. Aren't you, Aunt Susan?
When you grow up,
there aren't gonna be any men like him.
He's a dying race,
the last of the easy spenders.
Nice jade bracelet for the lady?
- No, thank you.
- What a perfect piece of jade.
- It is lovely.
- It's all yours. Wrap it up.
- Send to the steamer with the rest.
- Tommy, I couldn't accept it.
It's all right, Susan. Mr and Mrs Kruikshank
are good people, and they take anything.
Shoes, potatoes, rice.
See, if Ching-Ching says it's all right.
- Not even for Ching-Ching.
- All right, but you're being very silly.
- You know where we're going now?
- Back to the boat.
- She guessed wrong again, didn't she?
- You said it.
- We're going to a show.
- What kind of a show?
Beautiful, magnificent.
- (knocking)
- Come in.
- Mother!
- Richard!
Why did you cable me?
Where's Susan? She's not ill, is she?
- Go up on deck and call Miss Parker.
- Yes, missy.
No, Richard, she's not ill.
Why did you send for me?
After all, it's not exactly an inexpensive trip.
I know, I know, dear, but frankly the situation
was more than I could cope with alone.
What do you mean?
Heavens, Mother, don't build it up.
Did you ever hear
of a man named Tommy Randall?
Randall? The name's familiar.
- It should be. It's in the papers enough.
- What about him?
- He's on this boat.
- What's that got to do with Susan?
Richard, your mother's a woman of
the world. You realise that. She can tell...
She can tell what?
Heavens, Mother, we're not getting anyplace.
I'm not saying there's been
anything wrong between them.
So that's it?
I've flown here just to be told Susan
is having a harmless little ship flirtation?
It may be harmless, and it may not.
After all, Richard,
Susan's a very headstrong young woman.
Well, marriage will straighten her out.
Wait till she hears
I'm the new assistant manager in Bangkok.
JB - JB Bradley, I mean - gave me
the promotion as a wedding present.
Just think. My boy, an assistant manager.
Why, Richard, it seems only yesterday
that you were in curls.
- It shows what hard work, determination...
- (knocking)
Come in.
Too sorry. Missy has go shoreside.
- Ashore?
- Yes, missy.
Thank you.
You see? She's with Randall now.
I knew I was right in cabling you.
A mother's instinct never fails.
- What do you think I should do?
- The first thing to do is to find her.
Oh, look at the Chinese Major Bowes.
That fellow, Li Ze Mon, used to run
a chop suey place on Broadway.
( Chinese ensemble)
All right, all right, all right.
(speaks Chinese)
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of our young amateurs
will now give you imitation of Bing Crosby.
(laughter)
(laughter)
Please
Lend your little ear to my pleas
Lend a ray of cheer to my pleas
I learned that song from Sun Lo's
phonograph. I learned lots of them.
(croons like Bing Crosby)
I could find delight in your... (croons)
(whistles tune)
(gong)
(applause)
All right, all right, all right.
(speaks Chinese)
He wants the people in the audience
to get up and give imitations.
He says there's a prize of ten yuan.
Where are you going?
If I get the ten yuan, then I can buy
some presents for you and Uncle Tommy.
- Ching-Ching, no.
- Nothing can happen to her.
Oh, hello. What can I do for you?
- You can give me the ten yuan.
- (laughter)
You likee sing song?
- I will if you don't start ringing that bell.
- (laughter)
You know, I think that's why
that other gentleman quit.
You know American song?
- Yes. It's called "You Gotta S-M-I-L-E".
- (applause)
All right, Professor,
play "You Gotta S-M-I-L-E".
If something may upset you
Don't ever let it get you down
Don't wear a frown
if fortune should forsake you
Don't ever let it make you sigh
Keep shooting high
Be a crooner, not a groaner, never kick
Here's a spelling lesson that will do the trick
You've got to S-M-l-L-E
To be H-A-double P-Y
Keep it in mind when you're blue
it's easy to spell and just as easy to do
You've got to S-M-l-L-E
it's gonna help considerably
Just keep your chin up and give it a try
And you'll find silver-lined clouds in the sky
You've got to S-M-l-L-E
To be H-A-double P-Y
Ladies and gentlemen, just for fun,
I'd like to sing the song again
the way it would be done
by Al Jolson,
Eddie Cantor,
and last but not least that swingable pair
Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire
(as Jolson) You've got to S-M-l-L-E
Oh, like the birdies,
pretty birdies, up in the tree
Pretty flowers, April showers
My mammy
Life is divine at a quarter to nine
You simply gotta S-M-l-L-E
Cos potatoes are cheaper, you see
I won't spend a nickel,
I won't spend a sou
I just wanna spend one hour with you
(smacks lips)
You gotta S-M-l-L-E
Park yer carcass with Ida, Mammy
Freddie!
Well, I feel the spirit
of old Sir Walter Raleigh coming out in me.
You wait here, darling, I'll come back for you.
(laughs)
Hello, Uncle Tommy! Hello, Aunt Susan!
- I think you'd better put her down.
- There might be more water farther on.
- Richard! This is a surprise.
- Yes, it's a surprise for me too.
Uh... Tommy, Mr Randall, this is Mr Hope.
- And Miss Ching-Ching Stewart.
- Pleased to meet you.
- I never thought I'd see you here.
- Evidently not.
- Weren't you surprised to see him?
- Hardly. I sent for him.
That's marvellous. I love surprises,
and usually I never get them.
- Susan, I think your friends will excuse you.
- I'm sorry, I must be going now.
- You be awfully careful of her.
- She'll be perfectly all right.
- I'm sorry if I...
- That's all right.
- Goodbye, Ching-Ching.
- Goodbye.
- You like her, don't you?
- You could call it that.
I don't see how anybody can have fun
with that Mr Hope.
I'm afraid fun isn't everything, Ching-Ching.
Come on, we're gonna have a good time.
(speaks Chinese)
- Me likee see one nice piecee tapestry.
- This way, please.
- Something like this, sir?
- No.
Let me see that one.
(yapping)
Not bad.
You precious little puppy, you.
You're just like Waify.
- Thank you, sir.
- Come on, Ching-Ching.
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
- He went that way.
- Thank you.
(speaks Chinese)
Well, Ching-Ching,
where do we go from here?
Hey, where'd you come from?
Ching-Ching! Ching-Ching!
(speaks Chinese)
No, wait, this is all a mistake.
Listen, be reasonable. Ching-Ching!
There you are, darling.
(speaks Chinese)
- (speaks Chinese)
- Wait. Give me a chance to explain.
If wishes were keys,
there would be no prisoners.
So Sun Lo says.
Good old Sun Lo,
always brightening the corner where he isn't.
It's been fun up till now,
but it won't be so funny if we miss that boat.
- I bet the captain will be pretty mad.
- He must be, or he'd be here by now.
We've gotta get out of here.
Well, I guess we'll have to start a rebellion.
Pardon me, would any of you gentlemen
be interested in getting out of this jail?
I said...
You speak to them.
Tell them about the great outside world.
- Ask them how they'd like to see it again.
- (speaks Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
Well?
They're not interested.
They said they like it here.
That's absurd. Where's their spirit?
Ask them are they men or are they mice?
(they speak Chinese)
Mice.
Well, at last. Sorry to have caused you
so much trouble, Captain.
Now, see here, son.
I've been very lenient with you.
But there's a limit. You've overstepped it.
If it weren't for this child, I wouldn't be here.
- Any news about Ching-Ching?
- Sorry, Miss, not a word.
- Oh, I never should've left her with him.
- He should've known better.
It's an outrage taking a child of that age
out at night in a city like Hong Kong.
Anything could happen.
(both) indeed I do
With a box of popcorn,
a bag of peanuts and you
(drunkenly) Tommy, lad!
To the rescue. I need you.
(Kay) We missed you, darling.
(Dora) Did you have a good time?
We missed not having you, darling.
- Tommy, it was such a nice party.
- Glad you enjoyed yourselves.
Just the little matter of a taxi fare.
Could I impose on you?
- Don't tell me you've been robbed again.
- Clean.
Miss Parker. Miss Parker, here they come.
That's better. Nine and two are eleven.
Four and three are seven.
He thought I didn't have a card.
I trumped his ace.
You should've seen his face.
It was on a redouble.
- They play a lot of bridge in Bangkok?
- Great bridge town. We call it Bridgeport.
No, you're really very fortunate
moving in with our crowd.
Only last week, JB - JB Bradley, I mean -
said to me, "Dick." Calls me Dick for short.
"Dick," he said, "I'm sure your missis
is gonna like it here."
- You will, too.
- Oh, I know I will.
- Tell her about the house, Richard.
- Oh, yes.
But just a description of it
doesn't do it justice.
It's absolutely modern. Lots of closet space.
Fully equipped laundry. It's just as good
as any house in any American suburb.
And roomy too. I'll show you.
Kinda L-shaped. This is our room.
- This is Mother's room.
- Mother's?
Yes. Oh, you think she'd be
better off in this one?
(Richard) I don't know.
Bangkok is a very romantic city, isn't it?
There are a lot of old temples
and places like that.
But our colony doesn't bother
with the native things.
We have our own little set. Fine,
substantial people too. Bridge and tennis.
You know your opponents so well
you can tell in advance every move.
That must be interesting.
Susan! Susan!
You should be taking a nap,
you and your dolls.
My dolls are. Shut your eyes and put out
your hand. I've something for you.
All right.
- Susan, where did that come from?
- From Uncle Tommy.
- Who?
- Oh, I asked him not to buy it.
Look, he bought me a bracelet too.
- Why, that must've cost...
- $300. I saw the price tag.
$300! He wouldn't have spent that much
money if he hadn't felt you were interested.
- I don't think I need even answer that.
- You'll return it, won't you?
Certainly. I asked Mr Randall not to buy it.
- Shall I give back my bracelet too?
- No, darling.
I think you'd better go take your nap
or play or something.
Still, he might've meant it
as a wedding present.
In that case, there'd be no harm in your
keeping it. After all, it did cost quite a lot.
Will my boy be happy with a girl like that?
- Sometimes I wonder.
- Of course I will, Mother.
- Why do you say that?
- Oh, I don't know.
Susan seems to have changed
a great deal lately.
She'll be all right after we're married.
Well, it's about time we declared an armistice.
I've been feeling terrible, Susan.
Well, this is very pretty,
but of course I can't accept it.
Take back your baubles, is that it?
Listen, Susan, I think you're being very...
What, is it as bad as all that?
- Don't you like me any more?
- That has nothing to do with it.
Well, don't you?
Not particularly.
You know what you tell me:
keep your chin up and you'll be OK.
As Sun Lo says, the strongest man
in the world cannot lift a heavy heart.
Why is your heart heavy?
You know that Mr Hope?
Well, Susan's gonna marry him.
Oh!
She'll have Mrs Hope for a mother-in-law.
It'll serve her right, too.
Oh, no! Nobody should have
Mrs Hope for a mother-in-law.
Ah, there you are, young lady.
Just the one I want to see.
I've got a surprise for you.
As an unshelled nut is to a squirrel,
so is a surprise to him who receives it.
Righto, darling.
You're going to leave the ship at Singapore.
What?
Now, you run down below
and start to get ready.
Then when you come back,
I'll tell you the rest.
You oughta give Uncle Tommy a surprise too,
just to make him feel better.
- He's been in the... What was it?
- Doghouse.
With Mr Wu.
- What is all this?
- I just received this wireless from Shanghai.
- What will the consul do with her?
- There's a home for girls in Shanghai.
- He'll probably see she's placed in it.
- Home for girls?
You mean grey uniforms and pigtails?
Ching-Ching was never meant for that.
I know, old man, but I'm afraid
it's about all that can be done for her.
Captain, wait a minute.
This may sound crazy,
but why can't I adopt her?
Now, see here, son.
You're a bachelor. And quite a bachelor.
No court would turn a child over to you.
- It would be different if I were married?
- Well, naturally.
- It's a horrible step.
- I don't think you need worry, old man.
You haven't got time now.
- Excuse me. Have you seen Ching-Ching?
- Yes.
- Do you know where she is?
- Yes.
Well, would you mind telling me?
Below, getting ready
to leave the ship at the next stop.
They're putting her in a home for girls.
She'll be marching in lockstep
and eating gruel within a week.
- I hope you like it.
- Oh, Tommy.
- Tears won't help.
- But surely something can be done.
This can't happen to Ching-Ching.
I don't know.
Wait a minute.
You're gonna marry old sourpuss, aren't you?
- I beg your pardon?
- Sorry, no of fence meant.
Look, I tried to adopt Ching-Ching,
but I'm unmarried.
- You're getting married.
- Richard might...
- You don't want her to go to an institution?
- Of course not.
Then listen.
I've gone completely soft about that kid.
Incredible, I know, but true.
Adopt her. Let me pay for her upbringing
until I can take her myself.
That'll be as quick as I can get to the States
and come back with a wife.
Will you do it? It wouldn't be for long.
You may not believe it, but there are quite
a few girls back home willing to marry me.
At least there used to be.
It's not for me, it's for Ching-Ching.
- I'll do it.
- I knew you would.
May I speak to you, Susan?
- Pardon me.
- Certainly.
Susan, I'm awfully sorry if I annoyed you
in speaking of that bracelet as I did.
Imagine my becoming so upset
over a mere trinket. Absurd, isn't it?
Oh, I was a little upset myself. I'm sorry.
There, that's better. Everything's all right now.
Here we are, the three happy Hopes.
One, two, three, and away we go.
Mother was a little weepy
when you stalked out.
Somehow she got the idea
you'd prefer her not to live with us.
- Why, whatever could've given her that idea?
- I don't know.
But I told her we couldn't get along
without her. Didn't I, Mother?
- Well, I don't suppose we could.
- That's awfully sweet of you, Susan.
Heaven protect us all from interfering
mothers-in-law is what I always say.
Goodness. I was married myself once
and I know what I'm talking about.
Not that Mr Hope's mother didn't mean well,
but then, you know... young love.
We do know, don't we?
- Richard.
- Yes?
Just one thing.
Well, I want to adopt little Ching-Ching
as soon as we're married.
Whoever heard of such a thing?
If I don't, they'll put her in an institution.
- That's what institutions are for.
- Oh, Richard, please.
I'm sure Richard doesn't want to start
his married life with a ready-made family.
Especially with a child called Ching-Ching.
It won't be for long,
just until Mr Randall gets back.
- Randall? What's he got to do with it?
- Well... You see, it's a favour to him.
He wants to adopt her as soon as he can.
When he gets back to the States,
he'll arrange to take her.
- Why should I do Mr Randall a favour?
- Why indeed?
It isn't for him, it's for the little girl.
Think of her future.
Don't meddle
with other people's destinies, my dear.
Forget this child. She got along before she
met you and she will after she leaves you.
Dismiss her from your mind completely.
Please, don't you think Richard and I
should settle this by ourselves?
After all, it concerns us.
Anything that concerns Richard concerns me.
I think Mother's right, Susan.
- You do?
- Yes.
- Your mother's right and I'm wrong?
- Well, yes. That is, I think you're mistaken.
So do I. I've been mistaken about you and me.
- Now, Susan...
- Listen, marriage is for two people.
I'm breaking our engagement.
Richard, she'll come back.
Meanwhile you wait.
The man should always wait,
otherwise he's weak.
Ching-Ching! Ching-Ching!
Goodbye, Uncle Tommy.
The captain says I have to go.
No, you don't.
Didn't you say she could be adopted by
someone who's married? She's going to be.
- Here she is now.
- Oh, darling.
- Don't I have to go ashore?
- Not now. Tell her, Susan.
- Miss Parker's going to adopt Ching-Ching.
- I'm not going to be married.
- What? Oh, but you said...
- I think we'd better go now, darling.
Just a minute.
This isn't really goodbye.
I'll come back for you real soon.
And in the meantime, you won't cry, will you?
No, Uncle Tommy, but remember,
one... one minute of waiting
is a century to the hopeful.
I'll remember, Ching-Ching.
Goodbye, sweetie.
If you ever come back again, you won't
forget to come and see me, will you?
- I'll be in the orphan asylum in Shanghai.
- Oh, sure, we'll look you up.
- Won't we?
- Of course we will.
Maybe we'll have some more fun
like we had.
We might even go back to jail again.
(Tommy) Yes, we might.
Well, I think I'd better run along now.
Before I really cry. Goodbye.
We can't let this happen to her.
Look, Susan, I've got an idea.
Please don't say no till you hear me out.
I know exactly what you think of me,
but that isn't important now.
Marry me. Don't misunderstand me.
You wouldn't have to put up with me.
It'd just be a marriage in name only.
Soon as we dock in San Francisco,
go to Reno and get a divorce.
My lawyers will take care of everything.
I wish you would. For Ching-Ching.
It's the only way.
- You'd really do that for her?
- I'd do anything in the world for her.
- So would I.
- Then you will?
Yes.
Hey, bring her back.
- What's that?
- We're getting married. We want to adopt her.
Come on, Ching-Ching, darling.
We're going back aboard ship again.
For as much
as Susan Parker and Thomas Randall
have consented together in holy wedlock,
and have witnessed the same
before this company,
and have given and pledged
their troth, each to the other,
and have declared the same by giving
and receiving a ring and joining hands,
I pronounce that they are man and wife.
Amen.
- All happiness, my dear. Good luck, my boy.
- Thank you.
Twice blessed is he who loves both bride
and groom, for their happiness is his.
Congratulations, Mr Randall.
Much joy to you, Mrs Randall.
- Thank you.
- A sailor's knot is as good as City Hall's.
There'll be some formalities about the child.
I'll have my lawyer take care of that.
- Susan, why did you do this?
- Young man, you're talking to my wife.
- Richard, dear!
- And you told me to wait.
- Are you really and truly my parents now?
- We're the best you've got, darling.
Sun Lo says a child without parents
is like a ship without a rudder.
Sun Lo ever say anything
about going to sleep?
Oh, yes.
He said sleep without dreams
is given to children for their innocence
and old men for their wisdom.
Well, off you go, then.
I'm almost too excited to sleep, but I'll try.
- Good night, sweetie.
- Good night, Aunt Susan, Uncle Tommy.
Good night, darling,
but I'm not your uncle any more.
- What are you, then?
- Can't you guess?
I know. You're my father now.
- Night, Dad.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Well, here you are.
Did the stewardess move your things?
She said Mrs Hope almost bit her.
- I...
- I...
- Go ahead.
- No, you.
Well, I was just going to say
if there was anything you wanted me to do
to lend credibility to the situation,
I'll be glad to do it, you know.
- People will talk whatever we do.
- Sure, of course.
Well, I guess I'll be off.
I don't know how to thank you.
I'll try to make things
as easy for you as possible.
I'm cabling my lawyers tonight. You can go
direct to Reno as soon as the boat docks.
- Everything's arranged.
- Very thoughtful.
Not at all. You'll like Reno.
It's a fascinating place.
Lots of fresh air and horseback riding.
Full of nice, emotional people.
Oh...
- This is the address you go to.
- Thank you.
You're really wonderful.
I suppose you know that.
Well, at the moment,
I don't feel very wonderful.
Well, if you must know,
I don't feel so good myself.
- Good night, Susan.
- Good night, Tommy.
I...
Begging your pardon, sir, where shall I
lay out your pyjamas this evening?
- Where you laid them last night.
- Oh, dear. I'm so sorry, sir.
(knocking)
Come in.
Susan, why didn't you warn me
you were going to do this?
Well, I... I didn't have time,
and besides... (laughs) it's too late now.
- Well, it's hardly funny, is it?
- Not to me.
Well, tell me one thing.
You don't love him, do you?
Do you?
No, I don't, but even if I did
it wouldn't make any difference.
Yes, it would. Listen, darling,
I've been a worm, I know that now.
But I've had an understanding with Mother.
You can have your way from now on, always,
if you'll tell me there's a chance.
Oh, no, Richard.
It wouldn't work. You know it wouldn't.
You can be nice. You're nice now, but...
- Please, Susan.
- No, really, I'm too confused to talk about it.
I'm even too upset to think about it.
I'll follow you.
I'll follow you until you say yes.
No, Richard, I'd rather you didn't.
You'd better lock this.
One never knows, does one?
When love will come along
Then so suddenly life turns out to be a song
One never knows, does one?
The moment or the place
Then right before your eyes
Someone occupies your embrace
Someday, look and you'll find
two hearts were blessed
Someday, fate may be kind
Pray for the future,
hope for the best
One never knows, does one?
That's just the way it goes
All at once you hear, hold me, caress me
And then love may come
But when?
One never knows
Does one?
You stay in here
and I'll wait out in the courtroom.
- Is this Mrs Randall?
- Yes.
You mustn't be nervous
when your case is called.
I've placed you at the beginning
of today's calendar. Meanwhile, wait here.
That's awfully kind of you, Judge.
This is my first divorce,
and I'm a little jittery.
It is a little strange at first,
but they all get used to it.
- You know, like influenza.
- (knocking)
Come.
Right in here, please.
- Susan!
- Darling, I'm so glad to see you.
Oh, this is a surprise.
But I don't understand.
Well, you see, I thought
I might want another divorce sometime.
I was sort of curious
to see how they made them.
(clears throat)
- Judge Booth, this is Mr Randall.
- The husband, I presume?
Yes. This is my daughter.
- Your daughter?
- Adopted.
- How are you, young lady?
- Fine, thank you.
To greet one you love
is better for the health than medicine.
Well, I declare.
That sounds like a Chinese proverb.
Judge, you haven't heard anything yet.
Well, well, well.
Come over here and talk to me.
I... I tried to stay away, but I found I couldn't.
I had to see you again.
Suppose you and I have our talk
in the other room.
Uh...
- Will you excuse us for a few moments?
- Oh, but would it be proper?
- I mean, our being left alone together now.
- Oh, it's quite customary.
- You're looking very well.
- I haven't had a drink in six weeks.
- That's wonderful.
- No, it isn't, it's terrible.
Still, I'll get along, and it does show
what the influence of a good woman can do.
- Oh, really? Who is she?
- Ching-Ching.
I told you I'd do anything in the world for her.
You've proven that.
Honestly, you wouldn't know me.
I'm a changed man.
I may not be any better,
but at least I'm different.
I'm so glad.
You know, you were right about Reno.
It's a fascinating place.
- So charming and...
- Susan. Darling.
- Oh, Tommy, please.
- Do we have to go through with this?
Richard is waiting in the courtroom to marry
me. He's gonna take me back to the Orient.
Oh...
I see.
Well, I guess that's that, isn't it?
I'm sorry.
Sorrier than I can say.
Everyone rise.
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
The District Court of Washoe,
State of Nevada, is now in session.
The Honourable JG Booth, judge presiding.
Be seated, please.
Case of Randall versus Randall.
- Any witnesses for plaintiff?
- The case is uncontested.
In that case, the court would like
to call a witness of its own.
But the case is uncontested.
I said the court will call a witness of its own.
Miss Barbara Randall.
We don't want her mixed up in this.
The witness will take the stand.
The defendant will please be seated.
- Raise your right hand, please.
- I think we can dispense with the oath.
- Yes, Your Honour.
- Now, Miss Randall.
- You can call me Ching-Ching, Judge.
- Thank you.
Now, Ching-Ching, the plaintiff
alleges general incompatibility.
Have you ever noticed
evidence of such a condition
existing between the parties to this action?
To my knowledge,
the contestants in this action
have manifested
nothing but the most harmonious,
cordial and friendly feelings
towards each other.
- But, Your Honour, I object.
- Who are you, young man?
- Why, I'm engaged to the plaintiff.
- Engaged?
To a married woman?
- This court recognises no such engagement.
- (laughter)
Now, Ching-Ching, have either of the parties
in this action ever evidenced by their conduct
any proper legal ground for divorce?
There's utterly no ground for disturbing
the marital status of the contestants.
Most irregular, Your Honour.
The child doesn't know what she is saying.
Oh, yes, she does.
Tell the court.
Isn't this action the result of two
grown-up people behaving like children,
refusing to admit
that they're in love with each other?
The allegations of the complaint
insofar as it refers to...
Uh...
Matrimony.
Huh?
- Matrimony.
- Oh, yes.
- Insofar as it refers to macaroni...
- (lawyer) Macaroni?
There! See, Your Honour?
The child has obviously been coached.
I was not. I just forgot
what the judge told me to say.
- (laughter)
- (gavel)
- ls counsel intimating that she is lying?
- Counsel charges just that.
Have you any witnesses
to disprove her testimony?
Do you wish to testify
that this child was lying?
Why...
- No, of course not.
- Then you admit that you love Mrs Randall?
She knows I do.
You, Mrs Randall.
Do you wish to attack this child's veracity?
- Why, no, certainly not.
- You admit that you love your husband?
- Well, yes, I do.
- Then what's all this nonsense about?
Divorce denied. Take your child
and go home, both of you, where you belong.
Your Honour, what about me?
My advice, young man, is to stop tampering
with the affections of married women.
- Well, we did it, didn't we?
- You bet we did.
Judge, you're simply stravagant.
( "That's What I Want For Christmas")