[Bouncy instrumental music]
[Lively music]
[Horn honks]
Just leave the keys
in it, Stan!
Right!
[Tires screeching]
You mssed him, Vonnie.
Ah, well.
Not to worry, Ralph.
I'll get him.
Morning, Ralph.
You should learn
to relax, Fred.
I just thought
I'd better make sure
these silly buggers
didn't kill themselves.
Don't pull on it!
Let go of it, then.
(Ralph)
You're doing
a great job, mate.
(man)
Let me do it.
(man)
Do it yourself, then.
[Sighs]
Bloody women.
(man)
Hey, Vincie.
Yeah.
Bitch!
You look happy, Vince.
Did you win the lottery?
Cow.
Vincent.
Hey, Father.
Ooh, Vincent, looks like
being a beautiful day.
Yeah.
Ralph?
(Ralph)
G'day, Vincie.
Well, mate, she's really
shafted me this time.
Ah, the wife again, eh?
Ex-wife, as she's only
too quick to point out.
Look what I found
in my post office box
this morning.
Just tell me, mate.
I promsed Dan the Man
I'd have this fixed
by lunchtime.
It's a letter
from that shonky
city accountant of hers.
I knew they had
some scheme going,
some ncome average
and off-bloody-shore thing.
I don't know;
I just went along with it.
Now the chickens
are comng home to roost,
and they owe years
in back taxes.
Fantastic, mate.
She had it comng to her.
She has nothing
comng to her.
I do.
How come?
I don't know how they did it.
I just signed whatever
they put in front of me.
I mean, she was me wife;
I trusted her.
Pity she didn't feel
the same way about you.
Well, I thought she did
when they insisted that all
the companies be in my name
so on paper,
it looks like I've earned
all this bloody money.
Well, obviously,
you didn't.
No, mate.
She got the money;
I get the tax.
Now the bloody tax department's
comng after me.
Gee, Vincie.
I mean, it wasn't like
she didn't do well
out of the divorce.
I mean, she took
virtually everything
with her when she left.
Yeah, but then
it was all hers
in the first place,
wasn't it?
Well, yeah, but it was
a partnership.
She had the capital;
I provided
the professional expertise.
Yeah, well, at least
she left you
the picture theater.
Yeah, lucky me.
More trouble
than it's worth.
Why not sell it, then?
Sell me theater?
It's the only bloody thing
I've got left in the world.
Won't even have that
if I get socked
with this tax bill.
I'm not kidding, mate.
Things keep going like this,
I won't see the year out.
Join the club.
You're doing okay.
Oh, I got plenty
to work on.
But, you know.
Mate, you got to start
charging the going rate.
Stop letting people
put it on the slate.
We're not the only ones
doing it tough, you know.
How's it going?
Oh, she's done, mate.
The carbie was running
a bit lean.
What do I owe you?
Oh, don't worry about it;
it only took five mnutes.
Get off me!
Get off me!
Can't you two keep
your hands off each other?
Pair of pansies.
I'll drop you around
some tomatoes later.
Yeah, mate.
T omatoes.
[Tapping]
Can I have
your attention, please?
Mr. Coulston.
Mr. Quirk.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen,
distinguished guests,
Father Delaney,
Counselor Rogers.
Feel free to get
on with it, love.
As you are all well-aware,
the Firemen's Ball
and the St. Patrick's
Women's Auxiliary Ball
are usually held
at different times.
[Muttering]
There's a reason for that.
(woman)
But this year,
we've decided
to combine the two.
(Ralph)
They felt the firies
were having too much fun.
(woman)
So...
Father Delaney
and his Ladies' Commttee
will be in charge
of organizing the catering.
Does it involve loaves
and fishes, Father?
Mr. Williams.
In the unlikely event
that you actually have
something worthwhile to add,
would you please
raise your hand
and not just interject?
Mr. Coulston.
Yourself and the fire brigade
will be responsible
for ticket production
and sales.
Sorry, Faith.
I think Ralph has
something to add.
(Quirk)
Loser.
(Coulston)
Idiot.
You weren't up
to your usual form, mate.
(Faith)
Now, is everyone clear
as to who's doing what?
Well, we certainly know
who's doing all the talking.
Mr. Hopgood,
you and Mr. Williams
just make sure
you've got the old fire truck
right for the night.
No worries,
Faith.
You boys
are wicked.
I'd better go
and milk the moo cows.
Those bawdy calves
you gave me
are going well, Stan.
(Stan)
Good, good.
You got a show tonight?
Well, have a good one.
Yeah.
Maybe things will look better
in the morning.
Yeah, let's hope so.
[Sighs]
[Characters talking faintly]
Morning, Shirley.
Hello, Emily.
See you on Sunday.
(woman)
It's Nubler.
He just throws the mailbag
onto the veranda
with no respect at all
for the contents.
Here we are, Jack.
That's $6.75,
thank you.
Here you go.
I'll keep an eye out.
I might catch him speeding.
Thanks, love.
Do you want
to post that, Father?
I certainly do, my dear.
By the way, Yvonne,
Gloria Murphy
dropped me a line
from Paris
about her trip.
And she's sending me
some holy water from Lourdes,
God bless her soul,
for my arthritis.
Do you think you could keep
an eye out for it?
(Yvonne)
Of course, Father.
I'll be with you
in a mnute, Vince.
Oh, no hurry,
Vonnie.
Hi, Jack.
Hey, Vince.
Father.
Vincent.
(Jack)
I suppose you'll be
putting us to shame
at the ball as usual, Father.
(Delaney)
Oh, get out, Jack.
It's the only dancing
I get these days.
(Jack)
I noticed the banner
went up yesterday.
Should bring
a few people in.
Hey, Vincie?
Yeah.
Money's on the counter,
Vonnie.
I've got it, Ralph.
I have got it.
(Ralph)
Got what?
The answer.
What's the question?
You know, me tax problem.
Look at this.
The government's
just passed this bill.
(Ralph)
Politics.
You know I don't vote.
Yeah, but you do know
there's an election
this year, right?
Yeah, I know.
I just don't care.
Yeah, well, it says here
this one's going to be
a real neck-and-neck race.
Yeah, why would you vote?
A politician
might get in.
Can you just listen?
They reckon it'll be so close,
it'll come down
to who can win
a majority of the gay vote.
Gay?
Yeah, shirt lifters,
them that bat
for the other team,
poofters.
Geez, eh?
I wouldn't have thought
there were that many of them.
Apparently enough
to swing the vote.
That's why both sides
are sucking up to them.
It's all about giving them
the same rights
as regular married couples.
So what's that got
to do with us?
Well, the opposition...
[horn honks]
Hey, Billy!
Well, the opposition
has promsed
to change the tax laws
if they get elected, right?
So the government's just
beat 'em to the punch.
Not only did they pass
the law;
they've made it
retrospective.
Oh.
Will you run that
by me again in English?
Well, it just means
that gay couples
can get all the rebates
of regular couples,
and they can claim them
for up to five years back.
If I can go back
to an earlier question,
what's it got to do
with us?
Mate, if I can get
those same tax breaks
for the last five years,
I could write off so much tax,
I'd be laughing.
Hey, you could even
claim me as a dependent.
We'd both come out in front.
But how can we do that?
Well, it's simple.
We just become gay.
No!
No, no, no, no.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
We just say we are.
There's no physical.
(Ralph)
Hey, Harry.
No.
What's wrong
with you, Ralph?
I mean, this is
our big chance
to really turn things
around for us.
We could split our incomes,
claim spouse benefits.
Hey, we could probably even
set up a family trust.
You're not listening
to me, Vince.
I don't want anyone
thinking I'm a poof.
You're on the house here, boys!
Right ho, mate!
No, not poofs, mate...
same-sex couple.
That's what they call it
these days.
Same-sex couples.
I don't care
what they call it.
I don't want to be one!
(Vince)
We'd just be pretending,
for goodness sake.
What's your problem?
(Ralph)
I just wouldn't feel
comfortable with it.
I mean, I've got nothing
against them personally.
Good luck to them.
But I wouldn't
want them near me,
much less going around
saying I was one.
There's a word for you,
Ralph: Homophobic.
(Ralph)
Yeah?
Well, there's a word
for you too, mate:
Out of your bloody mnd.
Have you any idea
what the reaction would be
around here
if people thought
we were a pair of pansies?
"Same-sex couple," Ralph.
Take Big Red,
for instance.
He'd laugh us out of town.
Not everyone in town
is as close-mnded
as you and Big Red.
Oh, no?
Why don't you ask
the boys later
what they think?
(man)
Don't know any,
and I don't care to.
(man)
There is Eric, of course.
Yeah, but he's
the local hairdresser.
It'd be a worry
if he was the barber.
I'd cut me own hair.
You mean you pay
to get that done?
Get stuffed.
They reckon
Tom Farquar's eldest
is that way inclined.
(man)
Yeah?
Ran off and joined
the Australian ballet.
Next thing I hear,
he's up in Canberra
doing the
Nutcracker Suite.
Sounds painful.
[Laughter]
(Vince)
How long have we
known each other, mate?
(Ralph)
Most of our lives.
And in all that time,
have I even been wrong?
Yeah.
When?
Karen Stevens.
Karen Stevens?
That was 300 years ago;
get over it.
You said she was
a walk-up start.
Her father set
the bloody greyhounds onto me.
And I still convulse
every time I hear a dog bark.
Come on, mate.
I'd do it for you.
Yeah, let everyone think
I'm a fairy.
No.
We fill out the forms.
We send them in
to Canberra.
They register us
as a same-sex couple.
So then we're eligible
for the tax cuts.
They think they've got
a couple of sure-fire votes.
Everybody's happy.
Yeah, they're happy.
We're gay.
Well, just officially.
You know,
some public service dickhead
puts it in the computer,
and we're eligible
for the tax cuts.
End of story.
Mate, I really need you
to help me with this.
Please.
Just sign the paper?
Just sign the paper.
And no one will ever know.
Swear to God.
Sorry, mate.
I just can't do it.
No.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello.
(woman)
Hey, Dad, it's me.
Carla.
How are you, sweetheart?
I'm great, Dad.
How are you?
Oh, you know.
Got plenty
to keep me out of trouble.
Well, don't work too hard.
You always take on too much.
Gee, love, you're starting
to sound like your mum.
[Laughs]
Someone's got
to look after you now.
Hey, Dad, I'm thinking
of comng up on the 21st.
Oh, that'll be great.
You'll be here
for the Firemen's Ball.
Um, okay.
I'm bringing Peter to meet you.
Yeah, well, it's about time
your old man was introduced.
My thoughts exactly, Dad.
Might even have to give
the old overalls a wash, eh?
[Carla laughs]
No need to go silly.
Actually, we're thinking
of moving in together.
Oh, yeah?
Sounds serious.
Yeah, well, we'll see.
Well, I'll really
look forward to that.
Yeah, me too.
Say hello to Vince for me.
I'll see you then, then, Dad.
Love you.
Love you too, sweetheart.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
[Dog barking in the distance]
Good night.
(woman)
Good night, Vince.
(man)
See ya, mate.
Yup.
And no one will ever know.
No one will ever know.
All right, I'll do it.
Oh, mate, I could kiss you.
Just you bloody try.
Ralph, I can't tell you
how much this...
Hey.
I never did really thank you
for all you did for us.
You have now.
So I go in this box.
Then you go here.
Just a moment.
"Spouse"?
Why do I have to be
the spouse?
It's not important.
It is to me.
I don't want
to be the spouse.
Makes me sound
kind of wussy.
You're supposed
to sound wussy.
That's the whole point.
Why can't you be
the spouse?
I'm taller.
Well, if it's such
a big issue,
I'll be the spouse.
You can be
head of household.
That make you happy?
Well, happier
than being the spouse.
Help me through this.
"Period of cohabitation."
What?
How long since
we moved in together?
Well, we want the full
five years' back benefits,
so six years.
Now, hang on.
Hang on.
When did your mssus
shoot through?
About six years ago.
Perfect.
Yeah, so, what, she left
and then, straight away,
we move in together?
What's wrong with that?
Well, I don't want
to look easy.
It looks like I got you
on the rebound.
Okay.
So we saw each other
on the sly
for 12 months before,
okay?
Sounds reasonable.
It means neither of us
rushed into anything.
[Laughs]
Sometimes I seriously worry
about you, Ralphie.
"Address
of shared residence."
My place.
I don't want it going down
that I'm living
in a projection booth.
Picky.
"Orientation."
Well, the backyard
faces northeast.
Sexual orientation, mate.
Sexual.
Oh.
I'll just put down,
"Couple of old up-your..."
Bloody hell.
Oh, my old mum
would spin in her grave
if she saw that.
No.
"Private and confidential."
That means
it's privileged information.
Strictly between us
and them.
How could anyone around here
ever find out?
[Rooster crowing]
[Tires screeching]
[Upbeat fiddle music]
Oh, Father.
T op of the morning
to you, Ralph.
And the rest of the day
to you, Father.
[Whistling]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
They're sending
a tax investigator
to interview us.
They're going to check
our claim.
Oh.
"Random testing of applicants."
Ralph, it's random.
Random, my ass.
With the bloody mess you're in,
I bet you the bloody
alarm bells went off
the moment you walked in
through the door.
Oh, no, this has got nothing
to do with my tax problem.
They're just sending out
an inspector
to check up
that we're really gay.
The fact is, Vince,
that some ferret
from the tax department
is going to grill us.
We're going to be
up Shit Creek in a matchbox.
Yeah, okay,
I will admt
we've got a bit
of a problem.
Bit of a problem?
Mate, we have attempted
to defraud the authorities.
They're going to hang us up
by the balls!
Unless...
we can convince them
we're telling the truth.
Vince.
You are not gay.
I am not gay.
Mmm.
This bloke is going to be
an expert on gayness.
He's probably done
a course on it.
We're done for.
Not necessarily.
I mean, how long can
an interview like this last?
An hour?
Two, tops.
All we have to do is keep up
the act for that long.
What act?
I don't know how to look gay.
We're just going
to have to do
a crash course on it.
Plenty of time up our sleeve.
He's not due here till...
the 21 st.
That's the day of the ball.
Oh, that's just
bloody beautiful, that is.
Yeah.
Gives us plenty of time
to learn how to act
like the real thing.
From who?
They're not exactly thick
on the ground
around here, mate.
No, no, no, no, we're going
to have to go and see Jack
and fess up.
See Jack?
No way.
Listen;
I'll come up with something.
Trust me.
I always do.
But no one around here
must ever know.
(Delaney)
And cakes and biscuits.
That's our department too,
Father.
We've already started
getting organized.
Haven't we, girls?
Now, now, ladies.
Let's not get too far
ahead of ourselves.
We need it to be fresh
on the night.
(Faith)
Oh, it will be.
(Delaney)
Well, I think
that takes care
of everything
unless anyone has anything
of interest to report.
Yvonne, dear,
are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Now, you sure?
Faith, um,
can I tell you something?
Hey, Ralph.
Did you get on
to Vonnie back there?
Couldn't take her eyes
off me.
Well, Vince, you are
a good-looking man.
Who's what?
I was just telling Vince
he's a good-looking man.
Bye.
Come on.
[Whistling]
Father, excuse me.
Can I have a word?
Of course.
Hello, Faith.
How's the ball
comng along?
Everyone
behaving themselves?
Well, actually...
I can't believe
we're doing this.
I can't believe I never
thought of it sooner.
[Shutter clicking]
It's all in the mannerisms,
you know.
If we can learn
half a dozen of those,
we'll be on the nose.
There goes Vonnie.
She scrubs up nice.
She fancies me, you know.
I think I'm going to take
a little nap.
Nighty night.
Hello, Faith.
Hello, Ivy.
Everything all right?
Oh, Ivy,
you'll never guess
what's been going on
in this town.
What?
[Laughs]
Oh.
Good-bye, love.
I'll just tell the girls.
[Laughs]
Hey, Ralph?
What size bed do you have?
Just a single.
I tossed
the old double out.
It was buggered.
Well, where am I going
to sleep?
Well, certainly not at my place.
Yeah, but what if
the inspector guy
checks out your bedroom?
Well, he won't find you.
That's okay.
I got an old double bed
under the theater.
We'll drop it off at your place
just so it looks right.
Father.
Nice day for it.
(Delaney)
Just remember, boys,
God created Adam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve.
(Vince)
Oh, shit, here we go.
Follow him, Ralph.
Now, where the bloody hell
is he going out here?
What do you reckon
Father Xavier was on about?
Probably one of them beats,
you know?
It's a special sacred
meeting place
that only they know about.
(Ralph)
Maybe he's been
into the altar wine.
There's probably more of them
around here than we think.
You know, it takes
more than one to tango.
Hang on.
Where's he gone?
There he is.
Don't tell me Burt Nankuvis
has joined the team.
Burt gay?
Nah, he's a plumber.
(Jack)
So, anyway,
I bump into Faith earlier.
She reckons
something most unsavory
has been goin' on
under all our noses.
What?
Ralph Williams
and Vince Hopgood
are having
a homosexual relationship.
Come again?
Well, that's what she said.
Straight from
the horse's mouth.
Bloody hell.
I used to go camping
with those blokes.
Shared a tent.
We all did.
If they're poofers,
I'm Nicole Kidman.
[Laughs]
[Laughter]
What is it
with that silly woman?
Someone needs to have
a word with Faith
before she spreads
that nonsense around.
Well, be my guest.
[Banging and water rushing]
Oh, shit!
Well, better go
and arrest somebody.
Ooroo.
[Ralph's voice]
I was just telling Vince
he's a good-looking man.
[Upbeat instrumental music]
[Laughs]
[Effemnately]
That's hysterical.
Honestly, you're a couple
of sillies.
[Laughs]
What on Earth would I do
with a... ugh... woman?
Well, on Tuesday,
you did that.
Wednesday,
young Mrs. Yellup,
I believe.
Thursday,
the Crawford girl.
I've gone all hot.
All right, I admt it.
I'm straight.
But look, we can keep this
to ourselves, can't we?
Fellas?
I'm just curious:
Why have
everyone in town think
you're a pillow biter?
I'm a hairdresser,
for fuck's sake.
It's what they expect.
Anyway,
it makes them feel comfortable
to think I'm one of the girls.
Plus no one suspects
you're tomcatting
half the wives and daughters
around the district.
Yeah, well.
Look, any chance
I can buy these photos?
No.
However,
we would be willing
to trade them.
Trade them?
For what?
First, you have to learn
to think gay.
So from now one,
it's not "me" or "I."
No, no, no.
You refer to yourselves
as "she" and "her."
Got it?
Right.
Secondly, it's all
a matter of learning
some body language
and some gestures.
First and most importantly,
the walk.
Now, hold your hand out
as if you're being led
onto the dance floor
by Prince Charmng.
Who?
Prince Charmng.
Listen to me, please.
Head up, bum out.
Think Marilyn Monroe...
crossed with a bit of penguin.
And left shoulder,
right shoulder,
left shoulder,
right shoulder,
left shoulder, pivot.
And I hope you were watching,
because now it's your turn.
(Ralph)
Can you imagine
how people around here
would react
if they thought we were
a couple a whoopsies?
"Same-sex couple," Ralph.
We should show
a bit of respect.
I mean, if it hadn't been
for the good ol' poofters,
we wouldn't be getting
this opportunity.
That's it.
Come on, girls.
Put a bit of swish into it.
That's the way.
For goodness sake.
Tummy in.
Head up.
And turn and look.
And, Vince, show Ralphie how
to do it, please.
And watch Vince.
Vince is turning.
Turn the body.
Turn the head.
Yes, head-body's fine,
but turn your body, then head.
Thank you.
And off you go.
(Vince)
I reckon
it's only a matter of time
before same-sex marriage
is an everyday thing.
Here;
let me help you, mate.
There you go.
That'd be nice.
We could have
a little ceremony.
Nothing flashy, just us
and a couple of friends.
Yeah, maybe we could even go
on a honeymoon.
Or not.
Up she goes.
[Horn honking]
(Eric)
The hips.
There he is.
Go get him, tiger.
[Snarls]
Okay, and turning.
Pivot.
Thank you very much.
Swish, swish, swish.
Vince, for God's sake,
Ralph, come on.
[Snarling]
Ooh, there's some dog poo
on my shoe.
That's it.
Pivot and...
hello, boys.
Okay, and what do you see?
Uh, a charmng young lady.
Mm-hmm.
And what do you see?
Some ponce
playing a piano.
Mm-hmm.
Now, which one
do you find more attractive?
All right, the ponce.
Oh, no, not Rock.
Don't tell me Rock was.
Gay as a bag
of butterflies.
Where have you been hiding
for the past couple of decades?
Yeah, even I heard
about him
and Gomer Pyle.
Not Gomer Pyle.
[Laughs]
Why not?
Well, he was in the army,
for goodness sake.
Well, if it's hot,
don't touch it!
Out of the way, Fred.
What's up, Ralphie?
My back's still buggered
from your bloody bed.
I don't know what
you're complaining about;
I did all the work.
(Peter Allen)
Whoa, oh, when my baby,
when my baby smiles at me,
I feel like Tarzan...
Now, that's one
I can understand.
And in bungalow
while monkeys play above...
Well, we won't be doing that.
(Delaney)
Hi, Frances.
(Francis)
Oh, hi, Father.
So how are you boys
getting on?
Good afternoon, Father.
[Keys clicking wildly]
Pull the plug, Ralph.
Pull the plug.
Thunk
Oh!
He dropped a dollar.
Oh.
Got it?
Yeah.
Are you guys okay?
Oh, yeah.
It's just
accounting business.
Just finished.
(Eric)
Good, Vince, good.
Yes.
And ready for the pivot?
Pivot and look.
Lovely.
Very good.
And what's wrong
with Ralphie, hmm?
She's tired.
Oh, come on, mate.
You were just starting
to get really good at it.
(Eric)
She's tired, is she?
Well, do you know something?
This is just not working,
is it?
I mean, I know
the inspector isn't here
for a couple more days,
but this is hopeless.
You boys, you need
to immerse yourself
in the culture.
You need to be where gay rules,
were queens abound,
where men are men
and women
are totally superfluous.
You boys need to see
what I've seen.
You need to walk the walk
and dance the dance, hmm?
In short, gentlemen,
you need to follow
the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow.
Yellow Brick Road.
Where?
(woman)
Can't believe.
Take me.
I have no choice.
Take me.
You will understand.
Take me.
(man)
I'll do what I gotta do.
Suit up.
(woman)
Can't believe.
(man)
I can't believe
what I'm about to do.
Hey, fellows...
[unintelligible].
Yeah, right, mate.
Crikey.
(woman)
I have no choice.
(man)
I can't believe
what I'm about to do,
but I can't get caught.
See, I have no choice.
Gotta pay my dues.
All eyes on me,
but mne's on you.
Who'd have thought
that lies and truth would
team up?
Take me by surprise,
you will not.
I'll do what I gotta do.
Suit up.
Vince.
Huh?
We're supposed to be gay,
remember?
What was that?
I don't know,
but you keep your eye on him,
and I'll go grab a stick.
It's right around here
somewhere.
What about down there?
I don't know.
We'll give it a try.
Okay, this'll be
no big deal.
We'll just go in,
bite the froth
off a couple of beers,
observe a bit
of the culture.
Then we'll be done.
There.
[Engine revving]
Are you sure
this is the place?
Oh, yeah,
this is the place.
Hey, listen up, ladies,
I think your dates
have just arrived.
Hubba hubba.
So what do we think?
Well, I think good luck,
be careful,
and I'll see you
back in Yack.
Nah. Come on, mate.
It's not like
they're going to try
and jump on us or anything.
I mean, look at us.
We're not exactly
supermodels.
T o them, we're just a couple
of old rough scrubbers.
Especially you.
I'll tell you what.
I think we're going
to have to go shopping.
Shopping?
Shopping?
You look gorgeous.
[Laughs nervously]
Yeah.
Are you sure this is what
they're all wearing?
Absolutely.
Move around.
Move around.
A bit snug.
Hey, Ralph.
How do I look?
Like two pound of sausages
in a one-pound bag.
They're supposed
to be tight.
Aren't they?
Oh, yes,
that's right, doll.
You look great.
[Laughs]
Yeah, well,
all right, then.
Now let's have a look
at you,
Mrs. Fancy Pants.
You look divine.
They seem to fit very well.
Yeah, turn around.
No.
Come on, mate.
Turn around.
No.
Ralphie, come on.
Turn around.
No.
Perhaps I could find a pair
with the bum still in them.
That might help.
Yeah, yeah,
that'd be lovely.
Thank you.
[Stayin' Alive]
I'll tell you
when you can get in, okay?
If I'd known
it would come to this...
What, you got yourself
a whole new outfit,
and you're still not happy.
Imagine what the mob
back in Yackandandah would say.
Mate, don't even joke
about that.
You standing there
like fourpence worth
of God-help-us.
It's a pity that fellow
couldn't find you
the other pair of pants.
What's wrong
with these, mate?
Ralphie.
I'm all for looking up
old friends,
but that's ridiculous.
[Laughter]
Boys.
Hi.
In you go.
Nice hair, doll.
Thanks, mate.
(Blondie)
Here comes the 21st century.
Here comes the 21 st century.
It's gonna be much better
for a girl like me.
[Echoing]
For a girl like me,
for a girl like me.
It's gonna be much better
for a girl like me,
for a girl like me.
I want that man.
I want that man.
I want that man.
Yeah, I need a drink.
Are you going to leave me?
...21 st century.
It's gonna be much better
for a girl like me.
Oh, don't worry
about it, darlin'.
Little Timmy's going
to look after you.
I want that man.
I want that man.
Hey!
I wanna dance
with Harry Dean,
drive through Texas
in a black limousine.
I want a piece of heaven
'fore I die.
I want a pair
of pink high heels
that catch the lights
up on the Ferris wheel.
But what I really want,
I just can't buy.
Here comes the 21st century.
It's gonna be much better
for a girl like me.
'Cause I want everything
I can.
Most of all,
I want that man.
I want that man.
I wanna move
like what's-his-name.
I'll keep the money.
You can have the fame.
Everything that's yours
will soon be mne.
Yeah, I wanna be
the queen...
She's good.
Oh, yeah, right.
Spice of
somethin' else, huh?
Got that right.
First time here?
Yeah, I'm just up
from the country.
Um... certainly takes
all types, doesn't it?
You've got that right.
Hi, I'm Justin.
Oh, Vince.
Nice to meet ya.
You too.
Hey.
Could I have a couple
of cold ones, mate... love?
Nice to meet you, Vince.
Yeah, you too, Justin.
Have a good night.
Same to you.
Ralph.
This here is Laurie,
Neil, and Anthony.
G'day.
Everybody, Ralph.
Go on.
Sit, sit, sit.
Just trying to work out
where I know you from.
Did we meet
at the Old Glory Hole?
No, I'm pretty sure we didn't.
'99 Mardi Gras.
You were the one
in the fig leaf.
(Timmy)
No, no, I doubt it.
Ralph is just up
from the country.
Yeah? You ride?
Huh?
(Neil)
Do you have a bike?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
a Malvern Star, you know?
With the old Sturmey-Archer
three speeds?
Ooh-hoo,
how cute.
You blokes ride?
Yeah, I got
a '64 Panther.
Mine's a Ducati.
But I do like
Malvern Stars.
I've got an old Indian
in the garage at home
I've been meaning to fix
for years.
Anyone we know?
I'm a mechanic
by trade.
Really?
Well, I have
a sick Ducati.
I wonder if you could take
a look at it for me.
Oh, yeah, sure.
No worries.
You look like a man
who can dance.
Well, actually,
I had samba lessons
when I was 15.
It was a great way
to rub up
against strange women
without getting arrested.
Or strange men,
rub up against men.
So you swing both ways.
No, to the left, mostly.
Come with me.
Well, I was...
Come with me.
Ralph?
(Neil)
I really appreciate this,
you know?
No worries.
(Timmy)
So, Ralph.
T ell us where you
and your friend
have been hiding out
all this time.
(Ralph)
It's a little town
called Yackandandah.
You probably
haven't heard of it.
The Sleaze Ball.
What?
Where I saw you before.
Nah.
(Neil)
So when did you two
come out, then?
Today.
On the bus.
Yup, that's it.
Dirty fuel.
Should give it a test,
though.
Sure.
You know, I really could have
done this on my own, Neil.
And now,
for your entertainment,
give it up for the luscious,
the gorgeous,
the breath-taking Monique.
[cheers and applause]
Looking at you,
my troubles are fleeing.
I'm admring the view,
'cause it's you I'm seeing.
(Neil)
Now let me get you a drink.
What will it be?
Just a beer, thanks, Neil.
Heineken, Redback,
Steinlager, Coopers?
As long as it's cold.
Where's your man?
Oh, haven't got a clue.
Look, don't get me wrong,
but you two seem
like an odd couple.
Well, we're poofs,
aren't we?
It doesn't get
much odder than that.
[cell phone ringing]
[laughter]
Hello.
Ralph, what's going on?
You playing tonight or not?
Fred.
Uh, listen, mate.
I'm in Sydney.
Sydney?
Yeah, I'm up here...
for a visit.
Oh.
We were expecting you
for poker.
You have got
to meet Ralph.
She is so crazy.
Geez, mate, I forgot.
She's up from the country
with her boyfriend.
Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow.
What's her name, Ralph?
Sorry, Laurie, what was that?
I said, what's
your boyfriend's name?
Vince.
What was that about Vince?
Oh, Vince.
Yeah, he's here.
[applause]
He's...
Ooh, careful, love.
Give a girl
a hernia.
Who was that, Ralph?
Listen, Fred,
I'm in a bar, mate.
It's very noisy.
I've got to go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[country music playing quietly]
It seems Ralph and Vince
are in Sydney.
Really?
Why would they be
in Sydney?
Must have gone
up there for work.
Yeah, yeah,
sure, sure.
I think so.
Vince does have
a business.
Of course,
he's a businessman.
Wears a tie and all.
(man)
Probably...
gone up there for business.
Definitely.
I went to Sydney
for business once.
See? It's quite common.
Yeah, of course it is.
Vince is a businessman.
He went up there
for business.
Why do you think
Ralph went?
Because...
he's a mechanic.
Of course he is.
And a damn good one.
[cheers and applause]
Darling,
Iife seemed so gray.
I wanted to end it
till that wonderful day
you started to mend it.
And if you'll only stay,
well, then, I'll spend it
Iooking at you.
[cheers and applause]
Did you get any compliments
on your pants?
I think my undies
frightened them off.
[laughs]
[bear yells]
Oh, I didn't expect that.
Oh, neither did I.
First prize, eh?
We must have been better
than I thought we were.
(Laurie)
How you guys
enjoying the big city?
Well, to be honest, Laurie,
if I hadn't have seen it
with my own eyes,
I never would have believed
a place like this existed.
Wonderful, isn't it?
(Laurie)
Yeah.
A lot of things have changed
in the last 300 years.
Nowadays,
it's in to be out.
No one seems to notice anymore.
Oh, yeah?
You should come down
to Yackandandah.
I grew up in the country,
and I can tell you,
it was not easy.
(Neil)
You guys are heroes.
You know that?
I mean, you've lived
amongst all this prejudice,
and here you are,
years past your prime,
eyes filled with passion
that's only for each other.
Yeah, just look
at the two of you.
Beautiful.
You know...
you make me proud
to be a gay man.
T o Ralph and Vince.
(Neil)
T o Ralph and Vince.
(Tim)
T o Ralph and Vince.
Who wants
another drink?
You know,
it's funny, mate.
And don't take this
the wrong way.
But the worst thing
about all this gay business
is not that
people think I'm gay.
It's that people think
I'm going out with you.
Eh?
Well, no offense,
but if I was really gay,
I could do
a lot better than you.
Yeah?
I tell you what.
If I was really gay,
I could do a hell
of a lot better than you.
Sorry, mate.
I don't think so.
Oh, yeah,
I'd have good-looking blokes
after me, you know,
Iike movie stars
and that.
Like who?
Oh, Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds isn't gay.
No, but I could probably
get him to turn.
You certainly couldn't.
Vince.
Yeah, mate?
I think it's just as well
we're going home today.
Yeah.
[tires screeching]
[Carla on answering machine]
Hey, Dad.
You're probably out
helping get things ready
for the ball tonight.
We're at Jigalong,
and Pete's just
filling up the car.
Just rang to see
if you needed us
to bring a chicken
or anything for tea.
But you're not home,
so we'll sort it out
when we get there.
Okay, see you soon, Dad. Bye.
(Yvonne)
Vince?
There was
a gentleman here today asking
where you boys were earlier.
Really?
Yeah, he said
he was a bit early,
and I had no idea
where you were,
but he said
he'd be back.
Oh, here he comes now.
Um, Vonnie.
Mm-hmm.
Me and Ralph
are in a big hurry.
Can you do us
a really big favor?
Yeah.
Will you just tell this guy
to meet us at Ralph's place
in, say, half an hour?
Is everything all right?
Oh, yeah.
Just a business thing.
Vonnie, thanks.
Oh, Vince.
[bear yells]
I'd like to wrap it nice
for you.
[disappointed]
Oh.
He's here, Ralph.
(Ralph)
Who?
The bloody ferret
from the--
(Ralph)
Strewth.
You must be the gentleman
looking for us.
I'm Vince Hopgood.
Ah.
And this big hunk
is Ralph Williams.
And I'm Russell McKenzie.
Russell.
Sorry, sorry
to keep you waiting.
We just got off the bus
from Sydney.
Didn't know you were going
to be here early.
No worries.
Um, could--
could you be a dear
and give us 200 mnutes
to snip home
and take these rags off?
Of course.
You got
the address, then?
I do.
Splendid.
Lovely day for it.
Super.
What's my favorite color?
Purple.
It's blue.
Blue.
Little things like that
will trip us up.
Sorry, love.
So remember:
when we first got together,
I chased you,
and you played
hard to get.
If you say so.
Good.
So how'd you do it?
Do what?
How'd you win me over?
I bought you flowers,
took you out to dinner.
Yeah? Where?
I don't know, the pub.
Cheapskate.
That wouldn't win me over.
All right, I took you
to that flash restaurant
in the Beachworth Motel.
Well, at least that's got
a bit of atmosphere.
Yeah, might have even
treated you
to a naughty weekend.
I don't even want
to think about that.
Okay.
What?
Mate, I don't want
to do this
any more than you do.
But we got to look
like the real McCoy.
Agh.
Relax.
And then:
No, no, no, no.
I can't do it.
I can't believe you.
You still find all this
disgusting, don't you?
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
After all we've seen,
all the people we've met,
you still find homosexuality
disgusting.
No, I don't find homosexuality
disgusting at all.
I just think
it'd be disgusting with you.
Yeah.
All the more reason
we have to rehearse.
Come on.
Come here.
Here we go.
Not so bad.
Movin' up.
Now enjoy it.
Big Ralphie smile.
[car door slams]
Oh, shit, he's here.
You get the front door.
I'll finish getting changed.
Oh, shit.
He's comng round the back way.
Seems somehow appropriate.
[dog barking]
Hi, Dad.
Carla.
Oh.
Uh...
this is a bit awkward.
Do you think you could come back
a little later?
See, Vince--Vince and I have got
an important business meeting
with a bloke, see,
in a few mnutes.
So do you reckon
you could take Peter
for a drive around town
or a drink or something?
Okay.
Is everything all right?
Oh, fine, fine.
It's just that this bloke
is come down
from the city especially.
So if you could come back
in about an hour, okay?
[floor creaks]
(Carla)
Hey, Vince!
Why is Vince--
[knocking at door]
I can't talk, love.
I think that's the bloke
at the door now.
Look, I'll see you soon.
Bye.
Bye.
Well.
Hello.
Come in.
Come in.
Entrez-vous.
Thank you.
Hey, baby,
don't worry about that.
We'll come back in a while.
Oh, okay.
What the hell
are you doing?
I've got to get out of here.
I can't do this.
Can't do what?
(McKenzie)
I see you two are film buffs.
Oh, yes,
we just adore the cinema.
Of course, it's wonderful
owning the local theater.
You can't do what?
You can't desert me now.
No one was supposed to know.
Now Carla's seen you.
I just had to lie to her,
for God's sake,
and now I've got
some freaking tax inspector
sitting in my living room.
Look, I'm sorry about that.
Bullshit, you're sorry.
I was happy
to go along with this
to help you out,
but it's gone too far.
Come on.
We can do this.
[arguing]
(Ralph)
Shit.
Cramp, cramp.
Push, push.
Harder, harder!
You okay in there?
Uh, we're fine.
Ah!
Let me stand on it.
On we go.
We can do it; come on.
No, Vince.
You're on your own, mate.
Mate, don't do this to us.
Sorry.
Oh, sorry
to keep you waiting,
Russell.
Ralph will be joining us
in a moment.
He's trying to put
an outfit together.
Can I get you
something to drink?
Tea, coffee,
something stronger?
No, I'm fine, thanks,
Mr. Hopgood.
Oh, call me Vinnie.
That's...
a lovely tie
you're wearing, Russell.
Well, thank you.
My favorite color,
actually.
Oh, it's Ralph.
Mr. Williams.
It was worth the wait.
Come over here, dear.
Now, well, how can
this gorgeous man and I
help you, Russell?
Well, Mr. Hopgood,
I have to hand here
your application
for official recognition
of your same-sex union.
Oh, yes,
and I just can't tell you
how thrilled we are
that the government
has finally recognized
our marriage, as it were.
Well, it's the validity
of that marriage, Mr. Hopgood,
that I'm here to establish.
Unfortunately, this new law
is open to some abuse
by people with
considerable tax debts,
for instance.
Needless to say,
people caught in the act
of participating
in such fraudulent activity
will be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.
So, now,
exactly how
did you two good people
fall in love?
Yes.
Well, how does one recall
the day, the moment?
I walked into the garage,
and he was standing there
in his overalls,
screwdriver in his hand
and deep in the bowels
of a truck engine.
And he looked up,
and our eyes met,
and in think in that instant,
we both knew.
So was there a period
of courtship?
Courtship?
Oh, I'll give you
courtship, Russell.
He pursued me relentlessly.
Didn't you, Ralphie?
Well, I wouldn't say that.
(Vince)
No, no, look at him.
Buttercup.
He gets embarrassed
talking about it.
You see,
we were both locals,
and growing up, Ralph was
this peculiar young man.
Always alone, mysterious.
And you, I mean-
Let me finish, doll.
But once he decided
that I was what he wanted,
well, then he showered me
with gifts.
He sent me flowers
and roses.
I sent him a wrench.
Well, before you knew it...
It wasn't that quick.
And, of course,
there was the poetry.
Poetry?
Oh, yeah.
Beneath this shy exterior,
Iittle Ralphie here
is quite the romantic.
Aren't you, sweetie?
Yeah.
You have any copies
of these poems?
For my files, you understand.
Oh, you know,
no idea where they got to.
Hmm.
Uh, but I can still remember
the first one.
Really?
Really?
Oh, yes.
It went...
something like this.
'Vince, Vince,
"you are my prince.
"You came into my life,
"and you haven't left since.
"My love for you
"will always be true.
Vince, Vince,
my handsome prince."
Charmng.
Thank you.
You devil.
Now, be careful,
there, boys.
Oh, hello, Carla.
Hello, Faith.
You don't have your father
with you,
do you, dear?
No, I don't.
Sorry.
(Faith)
He's just late
with the fire truck;
that's all.
Oh, right.
Faith, this is Peta.
Lovely to meet you, dear.
Up for the weekend?
(Carla)
No, just the night,
unfortunately.
I had to come
and see Dad.
Oh, of course.
It must have been
a terrible shock for you, dear.
Sorry?
Well, when you heard
about your father and Vince.
Father and Vince.
Okay, what
have they done now?
Each other,
apparently.
And, yes, we just live
for the cinema.
And long drives
through the country.
And, of course,
Ralph just adores the ballet.
The ballet?
I love the ballet.
Do you have
a particular favorite?
Uh...
well, there's--
there are so many of them,
aren't there?
It's--it's really hard
to pick just one.
I think,
uh, I think
I'd have to say...
The...
Nutcracker.
Suite.
Nutcracker Suite.
I saw a production of that
recently in Canberra.
Really good.
I see from my files
that you were both previously
heterosexually married.
Have you both always known
that you were gay?
Well, Vince has.
Haven't you, darling?
Yeah, yeah,
when we were younger,
Vince was always hanging
around the football club,
offering to massage
the players.
I don't know if I should be
telling you this,
Russell, but our Vincie used
to put it about a it.
And behind the wife's back,
mnd you.
Well--
No, no, it's my turn.
It's my turn.
Yes, remember that time
with that young jackaroo,
Vincie,
in the projection box?
Yes, I walked in
unexpectedly.
And, well, I didn't know
what to think.
Yes, yes,
but he's settled down a lot
since those days.
Haven't you, possum,
hey, hey, yes?
Yes, and it's all
because of you, buttercup.
[laughing]
Ah!
Thanks, Stan!
Just leave 'em right there.
Thanks, mate.
Well.
That about does it
for me.
Oh, finished so soon?
Yes, I'll send in
my report.
You'll receive
the results by mail.
Oh, splendid.
Oh, one thing.
You must get
this sworn affidavit
signed and filled in
by a local citizen,
preferably someone
of promnence,
somebody who's known you both
for more than five years.
Oh, no problem at all,
Russell.
We'll have it filled out
and sent to you
before the week's out.
These are lovely,
aren't they?
Oh, yes,
Ralphie grew them for me.
They're
his favorite color.
Oh.
Well, one of my
favorite colors.
I love anything
in the bluey mauvey
maroonish spectrum.
Don't I, Ralph?
Apparently.
Thank you.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
G'day.
Cheerio.
Bye-bye.
All in all,
that went really well.
Oh, yeah, really well.
What about this?
Oh, well--
we're really late.
[engine sputters]
(Ralph)
And again.
[engine rumbling]
Quick, the door!
(Carla)
Dad, are you there?
Yeah, he's gone.
So this is the place
where I grew up.
All right!
You did it, Ralphie.
Right, all now we get to do
is get to the hall in one piece
and find out
if Stan saw anything
when he dropped
the tomatoes off.
And if he did,
I'll come up with an excuse.
Yeah, you'll come up
with an excuse.
Like what?
(Vince)
I'll think of something.
The hand brake.
[hoedown music]
What a day, hey, Ralphie?
At least now we can relax
among our friends,
just be our normal
charmng selves.
Hello, everybody!
Comng through!
Something yummy!
Something fruity
and full of cream!
Oh, and a couple of cakes,
as well.
God, he's good.
He's better
than the real thing.
Oh, there's Stan.
I'm going to go
and talk to him.
I'm going to find Carla.
How was Sydney?
Sydney...
was okay.
So why did you go?
I was--
Was it business?
Business,
yeah, that's it.
Business.
Oh, Stan, when you got
a mnute, mate--
Did you get
the tomatoes?
Yeah, yeah, thanks.
Hey, Vonnie.
I really want to thank you
for helping us out today.
That's okay, Vince.
No, I really want
to thank you--
you know, like,
take you out to dinner.
Maybe the little restaurant
in the motel
up in Beachworth.
Oh, that's very sweet
of you, Vince,
but it really
isn't necessary.
Yes, it is.
What about lunch, then?
Let me buy you lunch.
[laughs]
Oh, I know: a picnic.
Nice little picnic
in the countryside,
you and me.
Oh, that's very sweet
of you, Vince,
but what about Ralph?
What about Ralph?
What's it got to do
with Ralph?
Well, he's your--
well, you two are gay.
Aren't you?
Me gay?
No, no, no,
I'm not gay.
I'm, uh...
bisexual, you see.
(Yvonne)
Oh.
Yeah, I've been
my whole life.
Oh, Russell.
Didn't realize
you were still in town.
Yes, I've got another interview
in the area Monday,
so I thought,
"What the hell?"
Stay on,
enjoy the ball.
Splendid.
Lot of weirdos in Sydney.
(Stan)
Saw you two together
this afternoon.
Didn't want to interrupt.
(man)
I know what you two
have been up to.
Vince had dragged you into one
of his business schemes.
Am I right?
Yeah, well, I really can't
talk about--
Ralph.
Hi, fellas.
What?
What?
Oh, sweetheart,
look who's here.
Oh, fabulous.
[quietly]
Oh, fuck.
What's he doing here?
How the hell
would I know?
Maybe he likes to dance.
This is not good, Vince.
I'll tell you
what I do know:
tonight, we're going
to be gay.
Bullshit.
Carla's going to be here
with her boyfriend.
I'm not going to be anything
in front of them.
Need I remnd you, Ralph,
that if Russell reports back
that we're not gay,
we go to jail, pal.
Tax evasion,
providing false information,
bad taste,
God knows what.
Vince, this is the last time
I ever let you talk me
into anything.
Mate, you were great today.
That's why I know we can
pull this off tonight.
Come on.
(man)
I fare thee well.
I fare thee well.
I fare thee we-e-e-e-ll.
I fare thee well.
I fare thee well.
I fare thee we-e-e-e-ll.
[applause]
Thank you!
What would they be
talking about?
He's probably
telling them we're gay.
Shit.
Maybe the boys
are telling him we're not.
Shit.
Do you expect
any more fires this summer?
Not two years
in a row, no.
Ralph and Vince
are in the fire brigade.
Really?
We've got
to do something gay.
(man)
Okay, boys and girls.
Here's an oldie but a goodie.
[upbeat music]
They're playing our song.
Dance--you know,
like at the club.
Come on.
No bloody way.
My oh me oh.
I go wild,
and then I have to do
the samba
and La Bamba.
Now, I'm not
the kind of person
with a passionate persuasion
for dancin'
or romancin'.
But I give in to the rhythm,
and my feet follow
the beatin' of my heart.
Whoa, oh.
When my baby,
when my baby smiles at me,
I go to Rio...
de Janeiro.
I'm a salsa fellow.
When my baby smiles at me,
the sun
lightens up my life.
And am I free at last.
What a blast.
Yee-ha-hoo!
Whoa, oh.
When my baby,
when my baby smiles at me,
I feel like Tarzan
of the jungle
there on the hot sand
and in a bungalow
while monkeys play above-a.
We make love-a.
Now, I'm not the type
to let vibrations
trigger my imagination easily.
You know that's just not me.
I turn into a tiger
every time I get beside the
one I love.
Your dad's a circus.
Rio, Rio, Rio, hey!
[silence]
How about that,
ladies and gentlemen?
Can I swing a shoe or what?
Carla.
(man)
"Rye whiskey, rye whiskey,
rye whiskey," I cry.
If I don't get
rye whiskey...
So, Vince.
What the hell was that?
Well, if whiskey
was a river...
Well, uh, Eric
and Ralph and I thought
it would be a good idea
if we did a dance routine.
"Rye whiskey, rye whiskey,
rye whiskey," I cry.
Why?
If I don't get
rye whiskey...
Entertainment?
Oh,
there's Vonnie.
Vincent.
Faith.
You know, Mr. Hopwood,
with moves like those,
one could be forgiven
for believing...
that you and Mr. Williams
really were gay.
[laughs]
Vincent, I know everything.
(Ralph)
Carla.
Carla.
Where are you off to,
sweetheart?
Dad, what on Earth
is going on?
I come home.
You won't even
let me in the house.
I go off around town,
and people are saying
that you and Vince...
are gay.
And then I go home,
and the house
is completely weird.
Then I come here,
and you and Vince
are making fools of yourself,
and everybody's
laughing at you.
Oh, God.
Where do I begin?
Being gay?
Well, uh...
Dad, are you gay?
(Ralph)
Shh!
Now is not a good time.
Carla.
Dad, I don't want this,
you know.
You're my father,
for God's sake.
I don't want people
Iaughing at you.
Sweetie, it's fine.
You don't know what it's like.
Yes, I do.
Your friends making comments
behind your back.
And you don't know the crap
that gay people go through.
Carla, I do.
Look, sweetheart.
I can't explain
what's happening here--
not right now, anyway.
But I know what
you're talking about.
I was--I was as guilty
of all that business
as anybody.
And I know how we all feel
about people like that.
People like what?
Well...
Hello.
Hi.
Dad, I want you
to meet Peta.
It's nice
to meet you.
Yeah.
Ralph, we got to talk.
What?
Hi, Carla.
(Ralph)
Wait; I'll be back.
So where's the boyfriend?
This better be important.
Oh, it is.
It's important.
Faith knows.
The whole bloody town knows.
No, no, no,
she knows everything.
I don't know how she does,
but she does.
I've got to talk to Carla.
No, mate,
we can get through this.
Vince, we're fucked.
Now, look, I'll keep Faith
away from Russell.
You come up with an excuse
for the dancing.
The ball will be finished,
and then we're done.
[motorcycle engines roaring]
We're fucked.
Well, that's the tightest box
I've been jammed into for years.
Gentlemen,
Iet's go find ourselves
some farm boys.
You two gorgeous men
couldn't tell me
where I could find
Ralph and Vince, could you?
(man)
I think they're in there.
Dad?
Just give me
five mnutes, okay?
Five mnutes.
There's Vince!
Vincent,
pretty little man.
Look who's here.
(Ralph)
Excuse me.
Excuse me, everyone.
Can I have your attention
for a mnute?
Uh...
now, I know some of you
are wondering what's going on.
And others have
probably made up their mnds
already.
But for starters,
I'd like you to welcome
some friends ofVince and mne
from Sydney.
G'day.
(Ralph)
They're all wonderful people
who I know
you're going to love
when you get to know 'em.
Okay.
Now, I understand there's been
a bit of speculation around town
about Vince Hopgood and myself.
Well, it's nobody's business
but ours,
what goes on
between Vince and I.
We've been mates
since we were kids.
Most of you have known us
all your lives.
Crikey, we've lived and worked
amongst you for years.
That's what you should be
judging us by,
not about what may or may not
happen between us in private.
Vince has been part
of every important event
in my life.
He was my best man.
He was there
when my daughter was born...
and when my wife, Helen,
passed away.
He was a tower of strength
to me.
See, it doesn't matter
who you are;
if you have one real friend
in this life,
one person you can truly trust,
then you're very lucky indeed.
Vince Hopgood has been
the best mate a man could have.
And, yes, for anyone
out there who's interested,
I love him.
I'm not ashamed
to admt it.
Did you just grab my ass?
Yeah, well,
I'm only human.
I never thought for one moment
they were gay.
Nah, not a chance.
Mateship's
a wonderful thing.
Ladies and gentlemen,
take your partners
for the ladies' choice.
[upbeat music]
Oh, gee.
My oh gee.
Well, yeah, oh, gee.
Why I love that girl.
Father, could I have
the pleasure of this dance?
Just kidding.
[laughs]
Oh, hold me,
baby, squeeze me.
Never let me go.
Oh, I'm not taking chances.
I don't know what's going on
with you and Vince,
Dad, but you're amazing.
Hey.
I love you, sweetheart.
I love you, Dad.
Oh.
Do you mnd
if I dance with this girl?
Be my guest.
But save a dance for me.
Both of you.
So where's the boyfriend?
Mm-hmm.
Ah.
Oh.
Ah! Ha ha!
Gentlemen.
Oh, Russell.
Russell.
Now, I'm going to be
brutally honest with you guys.
After our meeting today,
I have to say
I was convinced
that you two were nothing more
than a pair of crimnal jokers.
Really?
Who deserve the full weight
of the law thrown at them.
But tonight, I witnessed
something quite special:
what appeared to be an honesty
and a tolerance
that, sadly, is very rarely
displayed these days.
And then Faith came
and talked with me.
And, well, after what she said,
I don't believe
I'm likely to encounter
a tighter bond
or a stronger love
between two men
for many a day to come.
So listen.
Just stop
the silly charades, eh?
Care for each other.
If more people
in the world did that,
well, the world would be
a far sweeter place,
don't you think?
Thank you, Russell.
And, Mr. Hopwood,
in future, get yourself
a bloody good accountant.
And good luck
to the both of yous.
Thanks, mate.
Hello, boys.
Having a fun evening?
(Vince)
Faith?
Why?
Well, no one likes
the tax department.
Oh!
Mr. Williams,
one thing.
My car needs a couple of things
doing to it.
Would that be possible?
Oh, of course, Faith.
Just drop it in.
Be my pleasure.
And, Mr. Hopgood.
I've heard a whisper
that some of the city cinemas
have got a thing
called a gold pass.
Do you have
those sort of things?
I'll make you one, Faith.
Oh, Mr. Hopgood,
you spoil me.
She is a piece of work.
Women, mate--they're
a different breed of cattle.
In a totally different
paddock.
Yeah, well,
we got through this.
We'll get through that.
Fabulous!
I'm not taking chances,
because I love her.
Hey, Ralph.
Half the people in town
still think I'm gay, right?
What do you reckon--
Vinnie's Massage Parlor?
Strictly for women only.
Eric will be furious.
Hey, Vince.
Huh?
You know, you do have
a nice ass.
What, this old thing?
Why I love that girl.
Love that girl.
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