Hobby of yours?
Let me guess, you're the author?
No. I just... I felt compelled, really.
I mean, you have to admit it's a little unfair.
You know, you have
all the copies of that one book
and not a single copy
of the critically-acclaimed,
New York Times noteworthy
Silent Day, edited by yours truly.
So you're an editor at Gitlin & Stern?
Associate, actually. But yes.
Hopefully, if this book hits,
I will be promoted to full editor.
Then I'll get invited to
fabulous, upscale cocktail parties.
And guess who's gonna be my plus one?
(SCOFFS)
You should take this up with Archie Knox,
the editor-in-chief of Stratharen Publishing.
- I know who Archie Knox is.
- Well, if you did,
you know Mr. Knox personally inspects
every single window display in Manhattan.
And if he sees your insignificant book
occupying his author's significant space,
I guarantee you'll spend
the rest of your pitiful career
editing Teletubby books.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Put those books back!
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
CABBIE: Why not use a pen?
Maybe then you wouldn't change
your mind so much.
You know what? Hell with it. Taxi!
Chloe! I'm here!
- You are totally late.
- I know.
- I'm sorry, I was totally stuck in traffic.
- Uh-huh.
Do you have any idea what standing in front
of a library could do to my reputation?
You used to love libraries.
Remember in school?
I think you had sex in one.
CHLOE: Why are we here?
Because I'll never make full editor
until we start mixing with the oligarchs.
Okay.
And he is one of them.
- That's Archie Knox.
- He's cute.
He's a legend in my business.
My Aunt Hilda used to hang out with him
in the '70s.
She said that he was so charming,
dogs used to follow him around.
Makes sense. Dogs follow dogs.
MAN ON MICROPHONE: Okay, everybody.
Tonight's my great pleasure to introduce
Mr. Archie Knox.
Mr. Knox has been
Mickey Lamm's editor for 25 years.
Without further ado,
I'm going to let him introduce his author.
Everybody, Mr. Archie Knox.
Make sure that you read this with food.
- Not on an empty stomach, okay?
- Thank you.
Is there anyone special I can make it out to?
Oh, that's okay, you don't have to sign it.
I'm not gonna read it anyway.
(LAUGHS)
Well, I think that qualifies you
as the brightest person here.
Here you go.
- How about you?
- You could...
ARCHIE: Stop flirting, Mickey.
She's much too pretty for you.
There he goes again.
He's stealing my groupies.
You can make it out to Brett.
Let me guess.
Your novelist father named you after
Brett Ashley in The Sun Also Rises.
My father's a doctor.
But yes, I was named after that character.
My brother's named Ethan.
After Ethan Frome.
Well, as I always say, better to be named
after a sensuous 1920s flapper than...
A tragic, desperate man with an ugly scar
across his forehead.
Exactly.
ARCHIE: Now, Brett, what are you doing here
among the literati?
BRETT: I work at Gitlin & Stern.
Really? You know, I knew Jake Gitlin
and Bob Stern years ago
before they killed each other in a duel.
- That's just industry lore.
- Not at all.
If memory serves, they were both on horses
and charged right at each other.
Used copies of Les Misrables as weapons
to bludgeon one another to death.
- I heard it was Brothers Karamazov.
- Impossible.
Gitlin and Stern were both Francophiles.
They would never use a Russian novel
as a murder weapon, it's too literal.
- Are you...
- Starving.
I will have the crpes suzette. Thank you.
She's too young to be having dessert first,
so would you bring her the nioise salad
and I'll have the steak frites.
Very good, Mr. Knox.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
I apologize, that's so rude.
- Is that one of those...
- My BlackBerry.
It's reminding me that I should be reading
a manuscript right now.
- You don't have one?
- No.
It can fix your whole life.
Two ex-wives and a spiteful daughter
cannot be "fixed" by a
BoysenBerry.
MARGARET: Archie, darling!
Margaret. Margaret,
I want you to meet my friend Brett,
a rising star at Gitlin & Stern.
Archie.
I'm planning on throwing a party for Mickey
when he wins the Pulitzer Prize for fiction.
Isn't that a bit premature?
Margaret has predicted
Thirty-six.
Maggie the Greek.
By day, a critic extraordinaire.
By night, a Park Avenue bookie.
I'll be calling you next month
to tell you all the details.
In the meantime, try to be a good boy
and don't keep the little gazelle up
past her bedtime.
Come on, darling.
Leon.
Wait, was that really Margaret Paddleford?
No, it was Norman Mailer in a dress.
Have a Twizzler?
Anyway, the author's complaints are making
the process unbearable.
I mean, he's whining about the cover art,
he's complaining
about our choice of release date.
He even hates his publicity photo,
which, incidentally, was retouched
to make him look like Dorian Gray.
Ask to be taken off the project.
I'm the one who brought the manuscript in.
I can't bail now.
Malt ball?
I'm a diabetic.
Sorry.
Just standing in this place is making
my feet tingle.
You were about to offer some advice?
Well, when it comes to writers,
there's only one rule. Patience.
Of course, if that fails,
I know a very discreet hit-man
who would spread the body parts
all over Jersey.
(CHUCKLING)
Serves me right.
My Great Aunt Hilda once told me
never take a job whose sole purpose
is to make people feel imperfect.
Sage advice.
Hilda?
What did you say your last name was?
Eisenberg.
Dear God! You're not related to...
- I'm her grand-niece.
- Hilda Eisenberg?
- Yes.
- I adored Hilda!
You know, the first time I met her
was at Botn's in Madrid.
It was Hemingway's favorite restaurant,
famous for its suckling pig,
and Hilda got incredibly drunk
and she bet me that she could punt
the pig carcass
across the entire length of the dining room,
which she did.
Won a hell of a lot of pesetas.
I used that in my book.
- You wrote a book?
- One.
Years ago.
It's on Amazon's endangered species list.
Dear Hilda. She was
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
Let me see your face.
I can see her in your eyes.
(ARCHIE CHATTERING)
BRETT: This is me.
You live in Hilda's old apartment?
- You've been here?
- Many, many nights, yeah.
Her parties were legendary.
Well, she left it in the family
and I have temporary custody.
I have a boyfriend.
I have a goldfish.
Well, then...
Is he in there? The boyfriend.
No. Actually, he's...
He's over there.
- Papaya King?
- Europe.
He's finding himself.
Why did he have to travel 3,000 miles
to find himself without you?
What do I know?
Good night, Pumpkin.
Good night.
- BRETT: Hey.
- Good morning, Brett.
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PHONE)
JASON: Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, so what's the cost difference between
a partial ocean view and a full ocean view?
Excuse me?
Let me speak to my boss
and get back to you. Damn!
Why are you in my office?
I knew no one was gonna tell you,
but I'm not gonna get stuck with it.
- Am I fired?
- Just go up to your boss's office
and speak to Faye. She'll explain everything.
- Who's Faye?
- Reservations, please.
Oh, it feels good. The burn.
The burn feels good.
Can you give me a hand here?
- You must be Katie.
- I'm Brett.
Oh, right. The one with the office.
Well, Brett, it's nice to meet you.
I'm your new boss, Faye Faulkner.
Yes. That Faulkner.
- What happened to Dorrie?
- Dorrie's dead.
(LAUGHS)
Metaphorically speaking, of course.
You see, Dorrie was
the victim of her own futile search
for something that no longer exists.
A great novelist.
Sorry about your office, by the way.
My assistant Jason needed some privacy
to make sure the transition went smoothly,
but I'll be sure you get it back
in a week or so.
Sure. It's no problem.
In the meantime, just go about your work
until the evaluation process ends, hmm?
Okay.
Oh, wait. One more thing.
(PHONE RINGING)
Faye Faulkner.
Jean-Claude.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
It's a private invitation
to a Bergdorf sale tonight.
Forty off. Enjoy.
- What happened?
- Dorrie got fired.
Damn it. After I spent a year
kissing her cellulite-riddled ass.
Oh, the news gets even worse.
She's been replaced by Faye Faulkner.
Oh, God, no. My friend worked for Faye
over at Viking. She quit after a week.
Told me she'd rather work for Al Qaeda.
She's not wearing any underwear.
She probably slept her way over here.
Seaver, not every successful woman
uses sex to get ahead.
The pretty ones do. The ugly ones can't.
BRETT: You should see the idiot they put
in my office.
I'm stuck in this cubicle.
Well, it's just Dorrie was the one
who hired me in the first place.
She even thought I could make editor
by the end of the year.
Now that she's gone every one
of my projects could be in jeopardy.
ROBERT: Well, let's see what develops
in the next few weeks.
No reason to panic yet. Okay?
- Okay. I love you, Daddy.
- Love you too, honey.
Some dude called for you.
What?
One of your calls got misdirected.
Some dude named Jughead,
or Archie. He left a voice mail.
I might have saved it. I don't...
VOICE MAIL: Mail box 107.
One new message.
ARCHIE: It's Archie.
You sound hungry
on your outgoing message,
so I decided to cook you dinner tonight.
8:30. 159 East 61st Street.
See you then. Oh, don't forget a chaperone.
(CHUCKLES)
Holy shit.
How do I look?
No chaperone?
I switched cars. I think I lost him.
How about a tour?
This is my daughter's room.
- She likes Coltrane?
- Only since she was three.
Who's that?
That's Milan Kundera.
I knew that.
- Master bedroom.
- No, thanks.
I'll be up soon, darling.
(LAUGHS)
Don't be silly,
I'm just feeding a hungry child.
BRETT: And the next day she was gone.
Dorrie was the closest thing
I ever had to a mentor.
So now you have to take your marching
orders from the likes of Faye Faulkner?
Well, she's a Brit, but claims to be related
to the quintessential American author.
Maybe I should change
my name to Brett Bront.
(ARCHIE LAUGHING)
Thank you.
You're not drinking?
I'm an alcoholic.
(CHUCKLING)
- You're not joking.
- No.
I'm sorry.
I did it again.
I'll have three years sober this May.
I'll be three years legal this May.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So...
Who's this On the Road fella of yours?
- Jed.
- Jed?
That's his name? Jed?
Does he make you happy?
Sure.
You know Dante's definition of hell?
Give me a minute.
"Proximity without intimacy."
Dante never said that.
(LAUGHING)
Of course he did.
Didn't he?
Well, I'll be damned.
You're right.
Don't forget this.
What is it?
To answer that question would make this
beautiful wrapping job I did superfluous.
No, no, wait until you're alone.
It'll be more dramatic that way.
Is this all some sort of experiment?
To see how long it takes
to seduce a young girl?
Seduce? Why would I want to do that?
Think about it.
What would the point of that be?
What would be the point of seducing you?
Stop by if you change your mind.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Any time of the night or day.
Surprise!
Ted!
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
God! When did you get back?
Just a couple of hours ago.
Well, why didn't you tell me?
I could have met you at the airport.
Well, I wanted to surprise you.
You did.
I had to make sure
you were being a virtuous,
God-fearing,
woman
while I was on the front.
(LAUGHING)
Know what I really missed?
Your grilled cheese.
ARCHIE ON VOICE MAIL:
It's Archie.
I left a little present for you
at your favorite book store.
Hope you don't mind.
(SIGHS)
Jed, I...
- I think there's someone else.
- Huh?
There's someone else!
Jesus, B, there's no one else.
Okay, look, I might have hooked up
with a chick in Sweden,
but I swear it was temporary insanity.
I was reading too much Strindberg...
Jed, for once in your life, listen to me.
Okay? I'm telling you
that I met someone else.
Quit fooling around. I really missed you...
No, you didn't.
In six months I got one postcard.
From Sweden.
Now I know why.
Come on, Brett,
you can't just dump me like this.
Look how romantic I'm being?
- Come on, give me a chance.
- I gave you a chance!
And you know what you did?
You went to Europe without me.
Will you at least put me up for a few weeks?
Till I find a place?
On the couch.
For me or you?
You ready?
Did Van Gogh have one ear?
I just need to get my bag. I'll be a second.
(LAUGHING)
You're pretty chipper for a girl in mourning.
Mourning? Over Jed?
Give me a little more credit than that.
Oh, really? I thought for sure
you'd be upset.
Is that the only decent excuse for a visit?
Relationship trauma?
Well, you guys have been together
for over a year.
Six months of which he spent in Europe
suffering from a peculiar form
of Stockholm syndrome.
Yeah.
Why? Don't you think
we should've stayed together?
Well, how I felt about Jed
is totally irrelevant.
Even more so now that you two are
no longer an item.
You know, I think I've met
someone else. He's a little bit older.
That fast, huh?
- He's an editor.
- Hey! Here they are.
He used to be friendly with Aunt Hilda.
He is really more of a friend, though.
Have I ever told you that you've perfected
the art of parental non-interference?
Well, the Hippocratic oath is very clear.
"First, do no harm."
Especially to daughters.
So, what else do we absolutely,
positively have to have?
- Oh! A pair of Gucci shoes.
- Oh! How about a shower curtain?
Even better.
Now, you promise me that you're gonna
have your building super put those up.
With or without batteries?
- I love you.
- I love you too, honey.
What is it, honey?
I just miss you, Daddy. That's all.
I know.
Shut up.
Well, what have we here?
Looky what I got.
A final copy of the Jane Shanning book
you edited.
No way! I've been reading so much lately,
I almost forgot I was an associate.
Hey, guys.
What's the matter?
No acknowledgment.
Six months editing a book on penguins
and I get nothing.
Don't feel bad.
An author I once worked with
passed me over for his dental hygienist.
Maybe I can cheer you up. I got tickets
to a movie premiere tonight. Any interest?
Thanks, but Archie and I are going
to the Berkshires for the weekend.
What, is he too cheap to pony up
for the Hamptons?
Archie detests the Hamptons.
He says sitting on the LIE is
suburban chemotherapy.
This is top priority.
Faye wants a reader's report by Monday.
Have a terrific weekend.
Especially you. I haven't met you.
What is your name?
It doesn't matter. I like the whole denim,
plain-Jane thing. You into pornography?
Oh! I need coffee. Stat.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
ARCHIE: How's the book?
BRETT: Almost as bad as your music.
Faye's giving me everything
she doesn't want to read.
Mafia wars, Victorian epics,
Bridget Jones knock-offs.
If I get a celebrity bio,
I'm gonna drink bleach.
Want me to make some calls?
I'm kidding.
- I'm kidding.
- You're not funny.
ARCHIE: I think you're just jealous of my hat.
(BRETT LAUGHS)
- Hey, Arch?
- Yes, doll?
- Who were you on the phone with?
- Elizabeth.
You told me that your daughter
refuses to speak to you.
I left her a message.
That's not what I mean.
Why today, while peeing in the bathroom
at Rooster's Burgers,
did you suddenly have the urge to call her?
Because it's her birthday.
Maybe you should think
about getting her a gift.
- Already did.
- What'd you get her?
A BoysenBerry.
You know, you never told me, not exactly,
why she won't talk to you.
Bless that girl, I think she would have
forgiven me anything.
The cheating, the drinking,
even the divorce.
But there's one thing
she would never forgive me for.
And that's that I didn't fight for her love.
I ran.
I think if I had just tried to get custody,
no matter how fruitless it might have been,
everything would be different now.
Thanks for telling me, Archie.
MAN ON PA: Number 51, your order's ready.
I'll get the food.
What's the matter, kiddo?
I think I'm having
a work-related panic attack.
You want my help?
No.
- Okay.
- Please?
ARCHIE: These are all for Faye?
BRETT: Mostly.
I've actually read a lot of them.
I just couldn't make a decision
if they were good or bad.
So I re-read them
and then I got more confused.
Now I can't reject anything at all.
Well, it's perfectly natural to doubt your
judgment about doubting your judgment.
Let's see what you're reading.
"They did good rowing, Dave and Michelle.
"When she was pregnant with Carl,
he'd hit her once.
"Her body always assailed him
with ambivalence,
"wanting to possess it and yet repelled.
"Her marbled belly,
her engorged breasts had shamed him
"the way they tipped him into revulsion."
(LAUGHING)
You read this whole thing?
Twice?
Including the 50-page description of
the blizzard that covered all of Dublin.
It's shit.
It's by a writer who wants to be
the next James Joyce.
- What if he is the next Joyce?
- He ain't.
I can't just say that. I mean, Faye wants me
to write reader's reports.
You're an associate.
Why are you writing reports?
Okay. I want you to grab a pad, Eisenberg.
I want you to take a memo
and I want you to write this verbatim.
This writer wants to be
the next James Joyce, comma,
maybe he is, comma,
but I can't get past the first chapter.
Period.
That's it?
And then what do I do
when Faye complains?
Tell her that writing reports is not
an efficient use of your time.
(WHISPERING) It's not an efficient use
of your time.
Next batter.
Secrets Will Rise by Steven Freeberg.
I'll be up all night.
Now, that is sexy.
- Come on!
- No!
ARCHIE: There's nothing wrong
with your judgment.
CHLOE: Alcoholic. Diabetic.
More than twice your age.
And you still are really considering
moving in with this guy?
I know, it's nuts,
but when I'm with him I feel like...
Like a better version of myself, you know?
Funnier, smarter, sexier.
So you gonna bring him home
to meet your dad?
Why not? They can talk
about retirement plans and golf.
(LAUGHS)
What if he just starts making out
with your mother?
Or has a stroke.
Just keels over in
the middle of Thanksgiving dinner?
Don't let her scare you off.
Older men are a great bet.
Assuming, of course, you can ignore
the ex-wives and bratty kids.
Did anyone ask for your opinion?
- No.
- Down.
Anyway, I have a hunch there's nothing
I can say to stop this madness.
Well, you know what they say.
"Tell a girl she can't have something..."
- "She wants it even more."
- "She wants it even more."
(ARCHIE CLEARS THROAT)
Snooping already?
Who are they?
Every woman I've seriously dated
for the last 25 years.
Collecting them all in one book?
It's a little self-congratulatory,
don't you think?
Lauren, an ex-girlfriend of mine,
put this together for me.
I can't ever imagine being secure enough
to do that.
There's a strange phenomenon here.
As you get older,
the women keep getting younger.
Oh.
That's Lauren. Right there.
- That's Lauren Hutton.
- Most certainly is.
Here's Elizabeth's mother. Here.
- Your first wife?
- Yeah. We met at Princeton.
I was a professor, faking my way
through a class on Borges.
And she came into my office one day
and said she knew that I was a fake,
but was in love with me nonetheless,
and I married her three months later.
What makes you think I want to hear
about your flock of women?
First of all, it's not a flock, it's a gaggle.
And second of all, this is my life
we're talking about here.
I see.
I got you something.
Oh, I hope it's what I want.
(BRETT CHUCKLES)
You might need these.
Oh, you're so mean.
"Thanks for letting me share your home,
XO, Brett."
XO.
The two-letter cop-out for those who are
too afraid to use the four-letter alternative.
Just open it.
Great Scott!
I've entered the 21st century!
(BLACKBERRY BUZZING)
I think it needs a Valium.
I sent you a text message.
- Click the wheel on the right twice.
- Here?
Yes.
What do I do now?
Read it.
Really?
On the stairs?
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
- These notes are great.
- Thank you.
But the reader's reports you wrote before
were a lot more thorough.
Reports don't seem
like an efficient use of my time.
I guess notes are fine.
Now, I've just completed
my overview of Dorrie's acquisitions.
And it seems there's a book
she bought for you called Peanut Butter...
Peanut Butter Blues, by Leonard Putterman.
That's a pet project of mine.
That's quite an advance for a story
about people with arachnophobia.
Arachibutyrophobia.
- I beg your pardon?
- Arachibutyrophobia.
Arachnophobia is the fear of spiders.
Arachibutyrophobia is
the fear of peanut butter sticking
to the roof of your mouth.
(GIGGLES)
The book could strike a nerve.
Yeah.
Do yourself a favor.
Finish it up quickly and move on.
- Understood?
- Yes.
Did Archie tell you to say that?
That's what he used to tell me to say.
"Reports don't seem
like an efficient use of my time."
You going my way?
Hey, guess who called me today?
- I don't know. Who?
- Elizabeth.
The first time in two years.
Man, she must have really loved that gift.
- I guess so.
- You know what I was thinking?
I would get us all tickets to go
to the Jackson Browne concert.
- What do you think?
- Who?
(LAUGHING) Funny,
that's exactly what she said.
You know, Archie, if you want
to take your daughter to a concert,
maybe you should ask her
who she wants to see.
Look, I know this is awkward.
You being the same age and all.
But I thought if you would come with us,
maybe I wouldn't bungle the whole evening.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't think that's such a good idea.
Hey.
- I don't get it.
- Go on. Try it on.
What's wrong with what I'm wearing?
It's... It's perfectly fine.
"Perfectly fine?"
My friend just won the Pulitzer Prize.
Would you indulge me?
I like what I'm wearing.
My father bought me this dress.
I spent three pay checks on my shoes.
He's infantilizing you a bit, just a little bit.
I mean, it's a little...
...asexual.
You'd prefer a crotchless teddy?
Look, that dress says, and very lucidly,
I might add,
that you're an associate editor
from a small imprint
who just got off the bus
from Cherry Hill, New Jersey.
Don't make fun of my family.
How could I make fun of people
I've never met?
Archie, why are you picking on me?
- Look at this dress!
- I see it!
Where is Brett?
Where did she go?
What did you do with her?
I want my Brett back.
(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)
Archie, darling, come in, come in!
You remember Brett.
Well, yes, of course. Hello, dear.
Good evening, Miss Paddleford.
Stunning dress!
Perhaps next time
you'd like to wear open-toes.
It's so much more appropriate
with dcollet. Don't you think?
Archie, you have to come
with me immediately.
One of your secret admirers is here
and she insists that she meet you,
or her life will be empty.
I think she likes you.
WOMAN: Sid, there's someone
I want you to meet. Sidney!
- BARTENDER: Hey, there.
- Hi.
BARTENDER: Can I get you something?
Yeah. I'm looking for a drink that
I can completely make a fool of myself with.
Coming right up.
- MICKEY: I'm scared.
- But just think, Mickey.
Now you are among
the likes of men like Steinbeck
and Updike and Bellow.
Did you guys know that Pulitzer winners'
life expectancy is extremely high?
Did you know that Mickey used to send
a hooker to the home of all the critics
on the eve of the publication of his books?
Did you guys know
that Archie fucked my boss?
- What?
- Uh-oh.
Yeah! No, that's right.
Archie Knox
and the fabulous Faye Faulkner.
You know, really, though,
I mean, they must have made
a smashing couple. Sound and Fury.
But what I don't understand is why
he didn't feel the need to tell me.
Do you think you're channeling the
spirit of Zelda Fitzgerald tonight, my dear?
Better than the spirit of Miss Havisham.
Wasn't it William Blake who said that
a proper woman should never be seen
eating or drinking?
It was Byron.
Now if you'll all excuse me,
the jailbait needs to school her boyfriend.
How could you not tell me?
Because I knew how much
you enjoyed your work
and I didn't want to ruin it for you.
Oh! All this time...
All this time she knew and I didn't.
Do you have any idea
how humiliating that is?
- Why are you so...
- Upset?
Okay. What if your CEO got fired
and then you find out
that he was replaced by someone
smarter than you, someone
better looking than you, someone
younger than you,
who's got a bigger dick than you?
And then you find out
he slept with me.
Wouldn't you feel the least bit threatened?
Oh, sorry, that's right. You're Archie Knox.
Editor-in-chief of Stratharen Publishing!
This man who needs to just be
this enigma, who...
No, no. To be just.
What does justice have to do with it?
No, no, no, no. You said "to just be."
That's wrong. That's splitting the infinitive.
Good editors don't split the infinitive.
It's "to be just."
(LAUGHS)
Are you correcting my grammar right now?
I'm trying to make you better.
Oh!
What if I don't want to be better?
(LAUGHS) Well, then you'll be
an associate editor forever.
Where are you going?
To the bathroom.
No, don't worry.
No, no, seriously. I'm potty trained.
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)
Don't be a fool, Archie.
Marry that little hussy.
I feel like a bimbo.
Bimbo is masculine.
Bimba would be more accurate.
Can't we just speak like
regular people for once?
What kinds of things do regular people say?
They say things like,
"I'm sorry, babe.
I should have told you about Faye."
I'm sorry, babe.
I should have told you about Faye.
Damn right, you should have.
From now on, full disclosure.
I promise.
No more veiled, ironic insults
masquerading as conversation.
That's history. From now on,
I'll be as humorless as a Hollywood sitcom.
(LAUGHS)
- Don't stop being you.
- Never.
(GIGGLES)
BRETT: So, how'd my performance go over
with the Bloomsbury group?
ARCHIE: Oh, you were the talk of the party.
Margaret said nobody's made a splash there
like that since your Aunt Hilda.
She'd be proud, wouldn't she?
Not as proud as me.
Can't we listen to anything
other than Badly Drawn Boy?
(SHUSHING)
No talking in the library.
Come on.
I'll even listen to jazz or Bob Dylan.
For the last time,
I'm preparing for the concert,
and I want Elizabeth to think
that she's got a, you know, hip dad. So...
I can't take it anymore.
Be honest.
You're hyper-editing.
I know.
You're treating it like
it's some kind of a test.
- It is a test.
- You're thinking about Faye.
You ought to be thinking about the author.
- Mr. Putterman?
- Yeah.
Arch, I need to know if you think
I'll ever be good at this.
You have no idea how smart you really are.
Now I can afford to make some promises.
Let's leave here, go home
and make love all night.
You can't walk out on Citizen Kane.
That's cinematic blasphemy.
Oh. Well,
take me home, get me naked
and I'll show you blasphemy, Sire.
- What is with you?
- I don't know.
It just must be something you do to me.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Sorry.
Hello? Hi, Daddy.
No, I'm at the movies right now.
Can I call you tomorrow?
Okay. Love you, too. Bye.
You haven't told him about us, have you?
Of course I have.
Brett?
Jed! Hi!
What's the matter?
You didn't take your Ritalin this morning?
- Jed, this is Archie.
- Oh, no need for an introduction.
- It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
- You, too.
I'd like you to meet my new lady, Petal.
It's great to meet you, Petal.
She's much prettier than you said.
You're much prettier than he said.
He's never mentioned you.
That's a great ensemble you got there.
Did you convert to existentialism?
Oh, Petal hooked me up with her stylist
on her TV show.
TV show?
I'm on hiatus right now doing a play in
the Village about the life of Eva Braun.
You were born to play that role.
She's taking me to the Emmys next week.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
- Well, it was good to see you. We should go.
- Yeah. Nice meeting you.
By the way, promise to tell your
mom and dad qu pasa for me, okay?
Aren't her parents the greatest?
Yeah. Yeah, they are. Take care.
Daddy, I'm not sure
if I belong in this job anymore.
I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better.
ROBERT: You keep talking about
whether you're good at this or not.
The real question is, do you enjoy it?
I might hate it.
ROBERT: Well, what about your dream of
becoming an editor?
Conquering the publishing world?
I can barely conquer my laundry.
Oh, my God.
I didn't even look at the time.
Daddy, I gotta go.
ROBERT: Is everything okay, honey?
- It's totally fine. I love you. Bye.
- ROBERT: Love you too.
Hey.
I'm so sorry!
I was working on the Putterman book
and I completely lost track of time. Let's go.
Hey. Oh, Archie, come on,
don't be angry with me. I'm sorry.
- Where's Elizabeth?
- She's not here.
Oh. She's late.
You wanna just wait out here for her?
Come on, Brett. Wake up.
She's not coming. She blew me off!
Can't you wrap your little brain
around that idea?
But Archie, did you check your phone?
- She probably left you a message.
- Stop coddling me.
We know there's no message.
There was no message from her,
there was no message from you either.
The difference is that she has me
for an excuse. What's your excuse?
- I told you, I was working on my book.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You've got to stop and think
that when you are late
that tells people that you don't care,
that they can't count on you.
You have to stop and think about
the people you're affecting.
When you should be thinking about
Putterman, you think about Faye.
When you should be thinking about me,
you think about Putterman...
Damn it, Archie, I'm not your daughter!
Yeah, you know what?
I screwed up, I was late.
But you can't blame me
for being a shitty father!
You're right, I am a shitty father.
What was I thinking?
BRETT: It was so awful.
He wouldn't speak to me all last night
or this morning.
So, Archie is acting like the
self-absorbed jerk that I warned you he was.
I'm ashamed to admit it,
but I think Archie's starting to make me feel
older than I am.
Do you know that I can't even remember
the last time I went to a club?
Or that I watched a movie on Lifetime
instead of a Hitler documentary?
- I don't even get proofed anymore.
- What's next, a senior-citizen discount?
Thank you.
Is it possible that I've been wrong
about Archie all this time?
That his attraction to me isn't about
sleeping with a younger woman,
but it's really about safety?
He's already lived my life.
There's nothing unexpected about me.
There's no problem that I can bring home
that he doesn't have the right answer to.
He thinks he has the right answer to.
But it works both ways
because I want those answers.
I need those answers.
So he's like this cheat sheet for your life?
Is that a good thing?
You really shouldn't pose
philosophical questions to graduates of FIT.
Oh, my God. Honey.
Someone is reading your book.
I don't believe it.
Key, please.
Thank you.
Arch! Arch!
Do you know that as we speak,
a woman's eyes are moving over
my precarious, profound punctuation
and my sensible, subtle sentences?
Don't you just love alliteration?
Arch? Do you hear me?
I made a mark on the world.
And I plan to celebrate by poisoning
you with my shrimp scampi!
So come on down
and let the rapprochement begin.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You must be Archie's daughter.
Elizabeth, right?
You have his smile.
His teeth are veneered.
Oh, well...
Maybe I'll see you around sometime.
Arch.
Who is she?
Who is she?
My way out.
So, you dating anyone?
No one special.
Whatever happened to that older guy
you told me about? The big shot editor?
- I had to get rid of him.
- Ah.
Probably for the best.
Your brother's down. Alone this time.
I guess he broke up with the cosmetologist.
Why is it "probably for the best?"
What?
When I said I got rid of him,
you said it was "probably for the best."
Why?
I just want to know if there's something
from my childhood.
Something I'm unaware of
that's the key to my life with men.
You know, like a relationship Rosebud.
You finally saw Citizen Kane?
Yeah, Arch...
Stop changing the subject.
Answer my question.
Well, yeah... Listen, if it's all the same, I...
I'd just soon buy you a sled.
- BRETT: Hi, Mom.
- Hello, honey.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing's the matter.
What do you think? We had it repainted.
- What color is it?
- Alabaster.
No one can even tell the difference.
It looks much better.
ETHAN: Hey.
Hey, Ethan.
Dad's got cancer.
Well, it was really very easy to hide.
Up until this past month,
I didn't even feel sick.
Plus I didn't really want it to interfere
with your lives.
You mean, my life.
Because, evidently,
I wasn't grown up enough to handle it.
I can't believe you told him first!
What does it matter who found out first?
Because it's not right to keep secrets
from family.
You're one to talk.
What's that supposed to mean?
(LAUGHS)
ETHAN: I talked to Jed.
He told me all about this Eddie Albert guy
you've been shacked up with.
All right. Let's knock it off, kids, huh?
Dad, how much longer?
We can take it.
I made your favorite, honey.
Soft-shell crabs.
Dad is dying and the only thing
you can think to talk about
is alabaster paint and soft-shell crab?
What is wrong with this family?
ETHAN: We gotta eat.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
I brought sushi and you're gonna eat it.
So, what can I do to cheer you up, my love?
You could leave.
My newest, brilliant work of creation.
- It's cute.
- It's yours.
- Try it on.
- Maybe another time.
- I would love to see it on a regular body.
- Regular body?
- Is this your idea of cheering me up?
- What? I bought you sushi.
- I hate sushi!
- Honey, I...
I saw Archie last night.
You did?
I'll tell you all about it
as soon as you try this slip on.
- How are we friends?
- 'Cause you pay me so well?
He was having dinner at Balthazar.
- Was he with someone?
- Couldn't tell.
The point is, Brett, he's obviously
well enough to be seen in public
and, you know,
maybe it's time for you, too, babe.
Honey. Your break-up diet
is working wonders.
(SNEEZES)
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- FAYE: Is that you, Brett?
- Faye?
- Listen, I don't have time to talk.
Binky Urban's having a cocktail party
I have to go to.
So I need you to deal with Cas Coyote.
He'll be waiting for you
at Michael's at 10:00.
Yes, he and his best friend, Jack Daniels,
are touring the East Coast.
They managed to slip in a few meetings
before heading off to Europe.
It's your job to guarantee Gitlin & Stern
the exclusive first look
to his rock 'n' roll memoir.
- Understand?
- Faye, I'm really not feeling well.
- I don't think I'm the person...
- Bloody hell!
Then stick a few Vicodin up your ass.
Look, darling.
You're not shagging our favorite ex
anymore. So no more special treatment.
Oh, and I won't reimburse you
more than $300,
so no beluga and no Cristal.
That's champagne and caviar,
in case you were wondering.
Thank you.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Cas Coyote.
Mr. Coyote?
Sure, sweetheart.
Who shall I make it out to?
Oh! No, I'm... I'm Brett Eisenberg.
From Gitlin & Stern.
- Where's Faye?
- She's...
She's having a little problem with...
With what?
Herpes.
(LAUGHS)
CAS: Let's eat.
Two orders of beluga caviar.
Two bottles of Cristal.
WAITER: And for the young lady?
I'll... I'll have a crme brle.
So, Mr. Coyote.
Why don't you tell me about the memoir?
What it's about, how you see it?
Basically, I am seeking
an initial print run of half a million
copies at an SRP of $24.95.
Obviously, I'd want no books
on consignment,
plus a guarantee for a firm sale.
Absolutely. I mean,
it's even more reasons to go with us.
Our subsidiary rights department is
considered the best in the business.
And our relationship
with Hollywood is also incredible.
We have a direct department that...
CAS: Not a film sale!
A firm sale, firm!
You do know what that is, don't you?
Of course.
That's what our legal department does.
She's a flunky, Cas.
A little paper-pusher they sent over here
to buy us dinner and jerk you off.
Look, it's not my job to negotiate deals.
I help authors find their voice.
- Let's split, honey.
- Please, no, wait.
I'm sorry if I upset you.
I'm just a little under the weather.
I'm sorry I was late, honey.
Traffic was a terror.
Hey, Cas Coyote.
(LAUGHS)
Archie Knox!
ARCHIE: I'm flattered you remember me.
CAS: Remember you?
Honey, this is the guy who introduced
me to Charles Bukowski.
Your chiropractor?
- Anyway, you mind if I join you?
- Sit.
Congratulations are in order
if you're breaking bread with Brett.
Looks like you're planning to sign
with Gitlin & Stern?
Well, we haven't actually settled on
anything yet.
Well, you better hurry. You have before you
the savviest editrix in this town.
I've tried to hire her myself for the last
couple of years and she turned me down.
You know why? She says I'm a letch.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Archie, you are a letch!
Something to eat, Mr. Knox?
Well, why don't you just ask Jacques to
whip up whatever he's in the mood for.
Make sure you put this
on my personal account.
And cancel
whatever the young lady ordered
and bring her a bowl of chicken soup.
Why do you think your Dad didn't tell you
he was sick?
He didn't think I could handle it.
(SNIFFS)
You were right.
No matter how hard he tries, he just...
He can't stop treating me like a little girl.
Oh, no. He was trying to be noble.
He didn't want to put you through that.
How are you doing on the drinking?
I'm doing pretty good, actually.
I'm taking that pill that makes
you puke when you drink and
went back to AA for a little refresher course.
You know what they give you
when you mark your sobriety, don't you?
A plastic poker chip.
I wonder what they give you
at Gamblers Anonymous.
You screwed it all up, Arch.
That's my raison d'tre, baby.
But if it makes you feel better,
I was miserable without you.
And you should see Mickey.
Like his parents got divorced.
Well, the important thing is
that he doesn't blame himself.
Hey.
You want to
sleep over my place?
In the guest room?
I didn't catch that.
Yes.
Go away.
Go away?
Methinks me lady has flipped her lid.
You used to always want my input.
Well, I realized I was relying
way too much on your judgment.
I rely on your judgment.
I ask you to look over my work
from time to time.
You don't need my help, though.
If I wasn't here, you'd be just fine.
Oh, really?
You planning on going somewhere?
Move the dialog to the bottom of the page.
It will create more suspense
for the chapter break.
Psst!
You love me. Don't even try to deny it.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, baby.
- Well, nice to meet you, Archie.
- ARCHIE: Nice to meet you, Robert. Bob.
- Was the crab a little off?
- Oh, no, no.
- What vintage were they?
- I thought they tasted fine.
Me, too. It was very crabby. Arch?
Well, I do appreciate the attempt
you've all made at avoiding the obvious.
It was a worthy effort. But let's
cut to the chase, shall we?
Robert, how old are you?
(LAUGHS)
Fifty-seven.
And I'm 50.
So, that makes me younger than Robert.
So, everybody feeling good about that
right now?
I am very relieved.
Grow up, Ethan.
How old were you
when Brett was in third grade?
Brett skipped the third grade.
(IMITATES BUZZER)
Well played.
Honey? Why don't you come
and help me with the coffee?
- Yeah.
- I made sponge cake. Sugar free.
He's very charming.
Very handsome.
Clearly, very successful.
I don't need a recap of his resume.
I want to know if you like him.
What's not to like? He's very charming.
We need more cream.
Can't you find kids your own age
to play with?
(SNORING)
- ARCHIE: Take as much time as you need.
- I will.
But don't forget that I need you, too.
More than I've ever needed anybody before.
Because you may not think so,
but you're different.
From all the rest?
Brett? Honey. Wake up.
What is it? What's wrong?
Why are you out of bed?
Honey...
Archie's in the hospital.
His friend Mickey called a little while ago.
They brought him in late last night.
Severe front-to-back abdominal pain,
high fever, rapid pulse.
If I had to guess,
I'd say it was an acute pancreatitis.
He's a diabetic.
Brett...
Is Archie alcoholic?
Yeah.
Look, you know I don't like
to get involved in your life.
But this is the reason I don't...
That I'm worried about
this relationship with this man.
If Archie isn't going to take care of himself,
someone else will.
I don't want
you to have to spend your life that way.
Where is he?
Manhattan Hospital. Come on, get dressed.
- I'll drive you back to the city.
- No, Dad. Are you crazy?
Well, Mickey didn't exactly sound
like a crisis manager.
He's a Pulitzer Prize-winning author.
Yeah.
And you're Brett Eisenberg, MD.
MD?
My Daughter.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Archie Knox's room.
The Knox suite is right behind you.
Thank you.
Just a minute, miss. Sorry to bug you.
But your father hasn't filled out
his dinner menu yet. Would you mind?
- He's not my father.
- Excuse me?
I said he's not my father!
He's my boyfriend. I have sex with him!
Either way, he eats, right?
Right. Sorry.
BOTH: (MIMICKING)
He's my boyfriend. I have sex with him!
Great. It's the cast of Cocoon.
- Hi, Mickey.
- Hey.
- Oh, Mickey, your hugging hasn't improved.
- Lack of practice.
- I think I'll go steal some drugs.
- Get me something good.
(CURTAIN BEING DRAWN)
What are they feeding you?
I had asked for the antidote to you,
but it was back-ordered.
Here.
Am I ordering for two?
I have to get back home.
If you leave, I'm gonna put that in my book.
Oh, no. You are not writing a book about us.
Most women would be flattered.
Being a muse is demeaning.
Did you know that Renoir only used
to paint women he thought were dumb?
I told you that.
How's your old man?
Which one?
Were you drinking, Archie?
Is that why you're here?
Actually, I've been drinking all along.
ARCHIE: I wish you would have let me come
to your father's funeral.
I could have wiped your tears.
I'm really very good at that.
I'll be okay. I promise.
ARCHIE: I love you, babe.
I'm here if you need me.
I know. Thanks.
ETHAN: Need a push?
No, thanks.
I know I'm not Dad,
but if you ever need to talk to anyone
about anything,
I could try and manufacture something
that sounds lucid.
The only thing that I can't bear...
It's killing me.
Is the thought that he was worried about me
when he died.
He wasn't worried.
How do you know?
I was here the morning
that Dad got the phone call from Mickey.
I don't understand.
Well, after he hung up the phone, I...
You know, I told him
I would gladly assassinate Archie,
if that's what he wanted.
Like a dying wish
kind of vendetta-like thing.
- That's very comforting.
- Yeah.
Anyway, he said, "Thanks,
"but I think Brett can take care of herself."
He really said that?
Oh, yeah. That's straight from the mouth
of Robert Eisenberg,
MD.
MD.
My Dad.
Thanks for offering
to kill someone for me, Ethan.
ETHAN: Anytime.
(LAUGHS)
I don't think you wanna go.
Why do I feel like I'm about to enter
an lbsen play?
You're too skinny to play Hedda Gabler.
You look beautiful.
So, how's your mom doing?
She's okay.
Honestly, I think she's relieved.
It was hard for her. Watching him suffer.
Is that for me?
It's the rest of your things.
I had a Chinese laundry wash it all for you.
I hope that means they folded my socks
into those neat, little cubes.
Definitely.
Do you have
your BlackBerry with you?
Of course.
Would you take it out?
I don't think you did it right.
I'm not getting anything.
Let me try this again.
(BLACKBERRY BUZZING)
Read it.
I'm sorry, Archie.
You shouldn't be drinking soda.
- Why not?
- Because of your blood sugar.
No, not why shouldn't I be drinking a soda.
Why won't you marry me?
- Are you asking me to explain?
- Yes. I am.
Because when I look at you,
I see a teacher.
But when you look at me,
you see a student.
Because you like to run away.
It's part of who you are.
Because, in the end,
a girl can't grow up until she loses a father
and leaves an Archie.
You'll always have your pick of women.
You know that.
Can't you at least pretend that the idea of
me with somebody else is hard for you?
Is this a consolation prize?
No.
Should I open it now?
Maybe you should wait.
You know, it's more dramatic that way.
Does it have a happy ending?
We deserved one.
Goodbye, Archie.
Goodbye, Pumpkin.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)