1
I think it's cool
that I got the salad
but the point was
to eat a salad to be healthier
and there's bread
underneath it...
Well, they said
it was a crostini,
which is usually smaller.
What is it called?
- I should pay more attention.
- A crostini. It's Italian.
It's good, I mean, I guess.
It's the whole bread thing.
I don't want to complain.
I complain too much as it is.
You do complain but...
It's good.
Did you like yours?
Oh, that's cool.
What is that?
Open it.
Really?
Yeah.
This is really nice.
Oh, this is really pretty.
It goes on your other hand.
The left.
- The left hand?
- Yeah.
What is that? Is that Arabic?
What does that mean?
No, the guy at the store
said it was Tibetan.
It means to overcome obstacles.
- Oh, that's really nice.
- I thought it was perfect for you.
This is really pretty.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
What's the occasion?
I mean, It's just... nice.
I mean... thank you.
Erik. I want to...
I'm...
I'm asking you if
you want to marry me?
This is an engagement ring?
Yeah. Yeah and I...
Um...
Here at the restaurant?
I mean...
Not here.
We can't do this here.
Why not here?
Why?
It's such a clich.
You're into that kind of thing.
It's nice. It's pretty.
I mean, I can wear it...
I can wear it like...
So you're saying no?
Yes.
I'm saying "No." I mean, I'm saying,
"No!"But "No" doesn't always mean "Yes',
but in this case it does.
So, you know...
Wow. Okay.
Look, you're not
thinking this through.
- That's just what I'm saying.
- Yes, I have.
I thought... what?
It's just, I know this is your attempt at being post-feminist
and post-modern, after reading that Sheryl Sandberg book.
You want to say,
"Let's reverse it
so the girl now
proposes to the guy"
because that's what
you're supposed...
Erik, I don't really care what
you're about to say right now.
But I want to get married
and I want to have babies. So...
But you're also doing really
well at your job right now.
You're excelling so much.
You're rising up
in the law firm.
You're doing really well.
And like Sheryl Sandberg said,
"We need more women
in positions of power."
Most women in powerful
positions are married.
Sheryl Sandberg is married.
There's an entire chapter
about that,
about how amazing
her partner is
and how she couldn't
do it without him,
especially when
she was pregnant.
Okay, but at the same time,
you have an obligation
to be a housewife.
If you're...
I have an obligation
to be a housewife?
I'm just saying
that if you're working,
you can't do both.
I mean, I didn't read the book
so I don't know
but you can't,
you can't do both.
How can you not do both?
Because someone
has to cook and clean.
Well, you can cook and clean.
I'm Turkish.
Turkish men don't do that kind of thing.
Are you playing the Turkish card again?
I'm also a dirty person.
Dirty people don't have the
disposition for being clean.
And because I'm dirty
I shouldn't cook either
because that's unhygienic
in a lot of ways.
I mean, this is like...
My mother says that
I should break up with you.
See, imagine how she'd
feel if we got married.
No, this is precisely why she
wants me to break up with you.
Because you won't marry me.
Well, I hate your mom anyway.
I mean...
I don't hate her like that.
I'm just kidding.
In a playful way I hate her.
But if she died tomorrow,
I wouldn't be that upset or sad.
I mean, I'd be sad
because you'd be sad probably.
I'd lament for a...
I'd pretend to lament for
maybe like a week or two
or something like that.
It's just... you know?
Hey. Look, you're not
going to storm off
and make a scene are you?
Why would I do that?
Because you're upset.
To be dramatic,
you know, to make a scene.
Oh right, because I'm a woman, I'm going
to be dramatic? I'm going to the bathroom.
Okay, good.
Because I just want to
drink my beer and...
My joints hurt.
I just want to relax.
I don't want to
do this anymore.
Come on, Jody.
I don't.
You always do this every time
we get into an argument, you do this.
You get fatalistic about the relationship,
and then you want to break up.
And then we go back home
and then we start kissing
and everything works out.
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to get married.
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to have babies.
Jody, babies are worthless.
I don't want to be with someone
who thinks babies are worthless.
Come on.
This is ridiculous.
You're being silly.
You know?
Jody?
- Jason?
- Hey.
- How are you?
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Are you still here in New York?
Do you live here?
Yeah.
Do you?
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
- I just got a job on Park Avenue at a law firm.
- Oh my God.
- That's incredible.
- Wow!
- This is incredible to see you.
- I know.
It's incredible to see you too.
Hey there.
- Hey.
- Erik.
Erik.
- Yes, I'm uh... I am. I'm, uh...
- Hey.
Yeah... it's nice to meet you.
Yeah.
I'm Jason.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
I'm Erik.
- How are you?
- Cool.
- This is so crazy.
- This is crazy.
I feel like I haven't
seen you...
- I don't even know when.
- I don't know.
Look, it's great that you guys
are catching up and everything
but it's probably not the
best time to be talking
because we're in the middle
of a conversation. So...
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, no, no, no.
It was good to see you.
We'll catch up sometime later.
No, no.
I was just saying good-bye to
him but he kept following me.
- It's totally fine.
- That's funny.
No, she's my girlfriend.
We're boyfriend and girlfriend.
We're just having a argument
right now and...
Okay.
You know, stupid arguments that people have. But
it's going to be cool when the lights go down
and our bodies start grooving,
you know what I'm saying.
So you best be moving on,
till the break of dawn, buddy.
I don't want to make trouble,
I just want to make love.
So hit the road Jack,
and don't you come back,
o more, no more,
no more, no more.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
No, no,
you weren't interrupting.
Nice to meet you.
What are you doing?
Do you want to go get a drink?
Are you free?
I'm sorry.
Actually, I'm going to meet
Gregory Kohn and Jane... Kohn.
- Oh my God. They got married?
- Yes.
- Wait. What? That's amazing.
- I know.
- And she changed her name?
- It's Kohn.
That's so great.
- She's trying to make me jealous, Jason.
- I can't believe that. - They would love to see you.
- You should totally come.
- I would love to see them.
- It's about four blocks down.
- Great.
Jason, she's trying
to make me jealous.
- Oh, just pay no attention to him.
- It's true.
You guys obviously
used to know each other.
We're having an argument
and you walk up and...
- Listen.
- He's pathological.
- Maybe you two used to have a relationship.
- Erik, just stop.
I understand what you're
trying to do, okay.
Maybe you had a
relationship before.
- Maybe you think you're going to heavy pet.
- Erik, stop. - Is everything okay here? - Stop.
Everything's really fine.
Of course.
- I'm just holding my woman.
- Let go of me.
She just asked you to let go of her,
so now you let go of her.
- But she's my girlfriend.
- I'm not your girlfriend.
And that's what you're
allowed to do
- when you're dating someone.
- I'm not your girlfriend.
I'll help.
- Do you want to go get a drink?
- Yeah. I would love to.
All right.
- Good-night, Erik.
- Hey... uh...
Have a good night, man.
You should shave,
button up that shirt.
Maybe get a fucking job.
All right?
Hey.
Jesus Christ.
I thought I was
having a bad night.
You're in bad shape.
Do you need some help?
Can you tell me
what you need?
What can I do for you?
I think your vocal chords
have been ripped out
and you can't speak.
Can you do sign language?
Can you sign what you need?
Can you use sign language?
You do know sign language.
Wow.
I don't know sign language
so I can't help you.
But I dated a deaf girl
in college actually.
She broke up with me
because I was always
farting in front of her.
I didn't think she would mind
so much.
God, we have to stymie
that blood flow.
Holy shit.
I wish I could call 911
but I don't have a cell phone.
I don't have a handkerchief.
But my girlfriend makes me
carry a spare tampon
because she forgets
them sometimes.
Let me just try this.
Let me just pull this out here.
No, no.
Don't do that.
Just hold still.
Oh Jesus!
Oh, are you HIV negative,
I hope?
Oh man.
Oh my God. Look...
Hey.
Are you still there?
Are you gone?
Look, you're still
breathing a little bit
so maybe there's still
time possibly.
I'll try to go call for help,
okay?
Maybe keep the wound
elevated if you can?
If you can find the energy to
get to your feet or something,
maybe there's still a chance.
I'll try to go find someone.
Okay?
Hey, hey.
Excuse me.
Sorry to bother you.
Do you have a cell phone
I could use really quickly,
if you don't mind?
No. What?
It's not for me. I don't carry a cell phone.
There's a guy down the alleyway who needs it.
- He's dead.
- What?
What happened?
You should go down there
and look for yourself.
It looks like someone
ripped his throat open.
- What?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Did you go to
Westbrook High School?
I'm sorry, you look
very very familiar to me.
No, where's Westbrook?
It's in Connecticut.
- Oh really.
- Yeah.
No, I didn't go there. Yeah, do I remind you... People
tell me that I remind them of someone all the time.
You totally remind me
of a guy.
I get Jerry Garcia constantly.
- Jerry Garcia?
- Yeah, I totally get that.
Oh my God, my mom was like,
the biggest deadhead.
Was she a deadhead?
She took me to a dead show
right before Jerry died.
- Oh really?
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
You do kind of look like Jerry.
Look,
I need to tell you something
but I don't want you
to freak out.
What?
- They're seriously considering getting rid of you.
- Why? - Why?
Because you are by far
the worst sales person
in this office, that's why.
Someone has to be the worst.
And when you consider how good everyone
is here, being the worst isn't bad.
You complain constantly.
Everyone is sick of it,
especially upper management.
Being unsatisfied is
a sign of ambition.
Every day you come in late
and you leave early.
I'm trying to stand out.
- You have no discipline.
- That's not true. I once went three weeks without watching internet porn.
You don't own a cell phone.
I think I have
testicular cancer.
I don't need a brain tumor too.
Do you realize that you are
fundamentally incapable
of taking anything seriously?
Yeah, because there's already
enough drama in the world
as it is. I mean...
Here's the bottom line.
Unless you start pulling your weight around
here, they're going to get rid of you.
It's hard pulling
my weight, Jamie.
- Have you seen my stomach?
- I'm serious.
But you've always taken
things too seriously.
Get your shit together.
Jody and I broke up last night.
Hmm?
I broke up with Jody last night.
Who's Jody?
My ex-girlfriend.
Three years,
we've been dating.
Three years.
I thought you were asexual.
Me?
Asexual? Me?
Yeah.
I've had like, three STDs.
That's how asexual I am.
Hello.
- Oh hi, Mr. Waters.
- I was kidding about those STDs.
- What?
- I was kidding about the STDs.
I was joking...
So, I was reviewing
your order and...
I really wish you wouldn't
show up like this unannounced.
I don't have a cell phone.
You know I don't.
- What do you want?
- I just want to talk.
Go ahead.
Jody, forgive me.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Hey.
Oh great.
It's you.
Yeah, it's me.
Hey.
Are you going here to see Jody?
Are you seeing Jody? No. No. No.
I'm going to vacuum
the carpets.
I do that for the building.
Really?
Is that why... really?
No.
I'll be honest with you.
There's an old man on the third floor.
He's got boils all over his back.
I'm here to lance them.
Oh, you're a lancer? I thought you
were a lawyer. No, no, no, no.
I'm a freelance lancer.
A freelancer, if you will.
That's funny
because I have a cyst
you can lance,
right here on the tip
of my finger.
You couldn't afford me.
You're wasting your time, bucko.
She still loves me.
And you don't have
a chance in hell.
Ask me how big my dick is.
Excuse me?
Ask me how big my dick is.
No.
How big is it?
How big?
Ask Jody's vagina.
You're mean.
Hey Penelope.
Penelope.
Do you want to
have dinner tonight?
No.
I was just kidding.
It was a joke.
I wasn't really asking you out.
That was a joke.
But if I had been serious,
the place I would have taken you
is really really nice.
The cheapest thing on the menu
is like, eight dollars.
Okay.
I'm just curious though.
It's because I'm Turkish, right?
I'm Turkish, you're Jewish.
- That's the reason why
- No.
If I were serious,
you wouldn't go out with me.
What's the reason, then?
Why?
What's the reason?
Um...
Spit it out.
You're just not my type.
Be more specific.
You're old.
So, have you ever
been here before?
- This restaurant?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah, I use to come here a lot actually.
- Is your food good? - Yes, it's excellent.
You can try my
salmon if you want.
- I love salmon.
- The salmon's great.
Yeah.
I don't know if its
farm-raised or not,
which is kind of fucked up,
but you know,
you should try it.
But before you do that,
I want to show you my hand,
to show you why
farm-raised salmon can be...
You see how my hand
shakes like that.
That's due to permanent
nerve damage.
I'm not saying salmon had
something to do with it
but it probably did,
but it's not going to
keep me from enjoying it.
You know what I'm saying?
It's dangerous lead,
but fuck it.
Also, I want to point out
this guy over here.
This Middle Eastern
dude over there.
He has the
backpack at his table.
Don't look...
Yeah.
What's in the backpack?
You know what I'm saying?
- You understand the point I'm trying to make?
- What do you mean?
I'm just saying that there's
nothing safe anymore.
Safe is dead.
You know,
lead in the salmon.
Middle Eastern guys
with backpacks. I mean...
Do you think that's a
very healthy attitude?
I think it's liberating,
in a lot of ways.
How so?
Well if everything is a danger,
then there's nothing to fear
for the most part.
For example,
do you have kids?
- No.
- Okay, good.
That's a relief actually.
But if and when you do, they're fucked. I mean,
they're not safe anywhere, on the playground,
in the schools,
in the restaurants,
in their own bedrooms.
Someone can break in
and take them.
And knowing that they're
perpetually in danger
means that,
you can be liberated.
You shouldn't fear anything.
I think that's actually
a very healthy attitude.
That's interesting.
That's interesting.
Look, I need to
tell you something.
Are you on your period?
No, that's not it.
I think a lot of what you said
at dinner was way off base.
Really.
Mm-hmm.
I'm a optimist.
Well, I've never dated
an eye doctor. So...
Not an ophthalmologist,
an optimist.
I think things
are getting better.
I don't think liberty stems
from being scared of everything.
I think liberty results from
empowerment and progress.
I agree.
Maybe we should liberate ourselves from our
clothes and progress to the penetration ceremony.
For everything bad that happens,
100 good things happen.
Consciousness is on the rise.
People are less tolerant of war
and human rights violations.
They're standing up
to injustices.
They're speaking out
against bullies.
There are people inventing
things in their garages
that are going to
change the world.
I think it's an exciting
time to be alive.
Wow, you're really
something else.
I admire your passion so much.
It's incredible.
But you sound like
a dumbass.
- Like one of those sniveling liberals.
- You're a dick!
You know, it's true.
Come on, don't go.
Wait a second.
Look, look, look, look, look.
I'm just being honest, okay.
You can appreciate that.
If this is honesty, then I don't
anything else to do with you.
No, no, hold on a second.
You can't take anything I'm saying
seriously. I'm exhausted and confused.
What do you have to be
exhausted and confused about?
Oh man,
I'm 40 years old.
You online profile
said you were 35.
See how confused I am.
I mean...
Okay, but when I dye
my hair I look 30.
Look, I think New York
is a magical city,
and I feel very close
to the humanity here.
In fact, I've never been
more optimistic about
the human race in my life.
A lot of people say
that when you get older,
you get more cynical
but every day, in every way,
I feel like Mary Poppins
on nitrous oxide.
Yes, yes, it's true.
You know, one of the things I like to do
when I want to feel
elbow to elbow
with my brothers
and sisters in the city?
I'll ride the subway,
I'm not kidding,
and I'll look for two people,
like, the most downtrodden,
depressed people I can find,
I will just sandwich myself.
I'll will sit right
between them.
It doesn't matter
who they are.
They could be white hipsters, or Chinese bankers
or black bankers, or Puerto Ricans hipsters...
...or Jews.
I'll sit beside them and
I'll put one hand on one thigh
and one hand on the other thigh,
just to let them know that we're
all in this thing together.
Shut up.
You are ridiculous!
Don't patronize me.
I believe this shit.
I feel strongly about this.
Bullshit.
Seriously, fuck you.
Are you telling me you
actually put your hands
on two peoples' thighs
to show them solidarity?
Because if you're serious,
I will marry you right now.
Let's not get carried away,
okay.
I don't know if I'm
marriage material.
But I like your
enthusiasm quite a bit.
I mean,
all things considered,
to be clear, I don't know
how I feel about marriage.
No, I know how I feel.
I've been married.
I'm not doing it again.
It's not for everyone.
You were married but
you're against
marriage completely?
You're totally against it, now?
I mean, it's not for everyone.
It's not for me.
Cheers.
I think that's really
a healthy attitude.
I think that's a terrifically
healthy attitude.
I'll drink to that.
You like it, huh?
Try deeper, deeper.
I can't go any deeper.
Harder. Harder.
I can't go any harder.
Faster.
Try faster.
I can't go any faster.
Jesus, try anything.
Just fuck me!
I'm doing the best I can,
okay.
It's good, huh?
You like it?
I'm close.
I'm close.
Okay.
You know I should
probably head home.
Just stay for
a little bit longer.
Um...
Please, just little bit longer.
Okay, I can stay for
maybe ten more minutes.
Our bodies fit
together so well.
Maybe five.
I'm short and chubby so it's
hard for me to find a body type
that meshes with mine.
I really need to go.
You don't like me,
do you?
I thought things were
going so well between us.
You know, the problem is
I only do great sex.
Like, I need great sex.
Good sex
isn't good enough.
We, we had great sex, right?
It felt pretty great.
Mm.
Look I'm out of practice, okay?
Didn't you say that you just got
out of a three year relationship?
Yeah, so.
So you should be like,
practiced up.
You should be,
you should be...
I don't understand.
Look, fucking is difficult.
It's hard, okay.
- Fucking is really hard.
- Fucking is hard?
Yeah, it's like exercise.
I don't know why they're
trying to outlaw gay marriage.
They should be
outlawing sit-ups.
Oh my God,
that is your problem.
Fucking should be
effortless and awesome!
I can be effortless
and awesome.
No, you can't.
You're robotic and rigid.
I can fuck, okay.
No.
No, you can't.
You know what I hate,
more than anything else,
in the whole entire world? What?
When you're watching a movie
about a bunch of spoiled,
neurotic white people
and then at some point,
a black character shows up
and then the filmmakers
draw attention to the fact
that the character is black.
Yeah.
You're like black, right?
Yeah.
I guess so.
I always thought
I wanted to make
a feature film at some point.
You know, I always
thought I had it in me,
to do that.
I mean, I'm in sales, but I think if I ever
did it I would probably do the auteur thing.
I would write,
direct and star in it,
is what I probably
would end up doing.
Wow, you have a lot of
confidence in yourself.
How hard could it be
at the end of the day?
I mean,
Tyler Perry does that.
He writes and directs and stars in his own
movies. Yeah, but Tyler Perry is really smart.
He's not that smart though.
Come on.
Really?
Come on,
his movies are horrible.
- You know, they're terrible.
- Are they?
You've seen his movies.
You know how bad they are.
I've never seen a
Tyler Perry movie. No.
- You've seen a Tyler Perry movie before.
- No, I haven't. Have you? I would never watch a Tyler Perry movie.
Why not?
His movies are terrible, that's why.
How can you say they are terrible
if you've never seen one?
The feeling that you get.
They just look bad.
They just feel bad.
I see a trailer for a
Tyler Perry movie and I think,
"It made that much money?
It's making that
kind of money?
That's what people
are seeing that?"
It just makes me mad.
That is really presumptuous of you
to criticize a filmmaker's movies
and you've never
seen their movies.
Tyler Perry is
incredibly successful.
He's got to be doing
some right.
Right?
You should probably
stop eating so much bread,
to be honest.
So, um... have you ever
dated a black guy?
What do you want, Erik?
I want to get back together.
No.
What do you mean?
Does that mean like, "No. Forever no", or just "no temporarily but maybe
later we'll get back together." Erik, you're abusive and dangerous
and if you don't
stop calling me,
I'm going to take out a
restraining order against you.
Look, you're the
unstable one, okay.
The only reason I want
to get back together is
because I'm worried about you.
I just want to make sure
that you're fine,
that you're not going to
do something psychotic,
- or suicidal or something.
- Get over yourself.
You're like a forty-year-old
man who's a child,
who's going to die
afraid and alone.
Look, for your information I've
been on three dates this month.
Fantastic, you're a stud.
- Well, I am one for three.
- Goodbye, Erik.
Look, hold on.
Don't hang up the phone.
I want to ask you
one more question
and then I'll leave you
alone, okay.
- Jody?
- What?
- Are you there?
- What?
Was the sex bad?
What do you mean?
I mean, did we have... during the
three years we were together,
was the sex bad,
between us?
Erik, it was way worse
than that.
I don't believe you.
Do you know how I keep dry
when it's hot and humid outside?
- How?
- I think of you!
You're just...
I would rather mount a chainsaw,
than be with you again.
Okay, that's not nice.
My sixty-five-year-old neighbor
has more stamina than you do
and he has MS.
Oh, you're having sex
with old Mr. Phillips now?
Well, that would at least
be an improvement.
Well, it wouldn't surprise me.
I know you're having sex with
that frat boy motherfucker.
Jody?
Hey, I didn't mean that.
It's good you're
having sex with him.
Are you there?
Penelope.
What's up, girl?
Yes.
You look very pretty today.
I think you shouldn't say
that to your co-worker.
Why not?
It's kind of creepy.
I'm not groping you, okay.
I'm just paying you
a complement.
Yeah, but you know how
serious they are here
about sexual harassment.
If you said I was handsome,
I wouldn't freaked out
about that.
Look, I have to go
finish my work.
Why?
You're always working so hard.
Why are you constantly working?
We have a huge
meeting tomorrow,
and I have to finish
my spreadsheets.
Don't you hate this job?
- No.
- Really?
It seems like there's
more to life
than being some cog in
a money-making machine.
I like making money.
Yeah, but don't you just feel
like we're all just characters
in a Dilbert cartoon?
I don't know that cartoon.
Wouldn't you rather be
a character in a movie,
like "Deep Throat"
or something like that?
Did you not hear
everything I just said
about sexual harassment?
Okay, I'm not meaning
it as sexual harassment.
It's just a word, Penelope.
Yeah, but it's a dirty word.
Do you like dirty words?
Not at work.
You better finish
your spreadsheets.
Oh yeah, I like it.
No, I'm in here.
Yeah, I'll be out
in a second, okay?
Hey, what's up?
Hi.
May I join you?
Sure.
You're not going to mug me
or anything like that, are you?
No.
Have you ever been mugged?
Well, I have this defense
mechanism that I use
when I think there's a
dangerous situation.
If I'm walking by two people
or one person who might look
shady or dangerous,
I'll start tweaking out
and saying gibberish,
like I've got brain damage,
so they think I'm fucked up.
So I'll say stuff like,
"I'll blow shit up,
tomatoes, tomatoes,
momma didn't love me,
give me my
prosthetic leg,
Charlie, bang-bang,
Charlie, bang-bang."
It's... to freak them out,
you know what I mean,
so they won't fuck with me.
Oh yeah, that's funny.
- It's pretty stupid.
- Does it work?
I mean, it works.
It's dumb I know,
but I do it
when I was scared
and we do dumb things
when we're scared.
We do dumb things
when we're scared.
Every dumb political decision
we ever made
was when we were scared.
- Every dumb political
decision we ever made - Yeah.
Was kinda... stupid so...
Are you afraid of
anything right now?
I am actually, yeah.
God, you've got beautiful eyes.
Thank you.
I'm not trying to come on to
you or give you a hand job
or anything like that.
I'm just saying, "Wow wee."
Tell me about your fears.
I think I'm losing my mind.
Why?
Because this city's insane.
I'm insane.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know where I'm going.
I can't commit to
anyone or anything.
I'm afraid someone's
going to blow up this city.
I'm afraid of middle eastern
men wearing backpacks,
even though I'm sometimes
a middle eastern man
- who wears a backpack.
- Uh-huh.
I'm afraid I'm unraveling.
I'm afraid that my HPV is
going to lead to throat cancer.
I'm afraid of Michael Douglas.
Have you seen him lately?
I'm afraid of everything!
Are you afraid to die?
I'm terrified.
Do you want to die?
That's the thing, I don't
really care if I die or not.
I think it would alleviate
a lot of responsibilities.
What kind of responsibilities?
You know, career,
making something of myself,
starting a family.
If I died I wouldn't
have to grow old,
I wouldn't have to grow-up.
Do you want to die?
That's the thing,
I don't know...
- Do you want to die?
- I don't care, I think..
- Do you want to die?
- Yeah, I do want to die.
You do want to die.
I do.
How long has he
been like this?
All day!
Erik.
Erik!
Do I help you?
Can I know you?
You missed the meeting.
What meeting?
There was a meeting
this morning.
You missed it.
I don't know about
any meeting.
Carl is fucking pissed.
Well, Carl can kiss
my big red weenie
until his lips are coated
with the sweat of my...
Carl, what's up buddy?
We were just talking about you.
The nicest,
sweetest things
about how exponentially great
you are for this company.
You missed the meeting today.
I know I missed the meeting.
I missed meeting.
I don't know what to tell you
but this should say it all.
I'm just kidding around.
Look, here's the thing, I wasn't there
because I was trimming my pubic hair.
The thing is I wasn't there
because I had this thing
lodged in my asshole...
What the fuck
is wrong with him?
I have no idea.
Would you get over to my
office for a minute, please?
It sounds like
you're in big trouble.
I'm in big trouble,
big trouble.
Yeah, well, I've been to the
principal's office before. I can take it.
Well, Erik it's going
to be sad to see you go.
f this is the last time
I see you,
I want to wish you
the best of luck.
And if you decide to come
back here in a few hours
with a loaded shotgun,
just remember,
I was always here to help.
Okay?
Have a great day!
Penelope,
can I ask you a question?
Hmm?
Has Carl ever touched you
- physically or inappropriately?
- No!
- Are you sure?
- Yeah!
Okay, if I accused him of
sexually assaulting you,
would you back me
up on that?
No!
There'd be a big payday,
a big payout for you.
- It would be good money.
- No.
- Are you sure?
- No.
Okay, if I accused him
of sexually assaulting me,
would you back me
up on that?
No!
Alright.
Well, if I get terminated,
will you miss me?
Maybe a little.
Thank you.
Have you looked at yourself
in the mirror today?
I'm not a vain person Carl,
so I don't do that
kind of thing.
So, no.
Well you look like Godzilla
used your shirt as a maxi pad.
Okay, that's all well and good
but I'm pretty sure saying the word "maxi pad"
in front of an employee is sexual harassment.
So you're fucked.
Just do me a favor.
Pack your shit and go.
You firing me right now
is the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
Profits, money, spreadsheets.
I've got your fucking
spreadsheet right here.
You want to see a spreadsheet?
Let me show you a
fucking spreadsheet.
Here's your fucking
spreadsheet, right here.
Chew on that.
Hey, excuse me.
Hey, excuse me.
Can I buy a cigarette
from you for a dollar?
I have a dollar in my pocket.
You can just have it.
Oh, you're very nice.
All right?
Oh, god.
This is terrible.
Why do you smoke
these things?
Oh.
Oh my God!
I've got to go, man.
Hold on a second,
wait a minute. Do you have a Tums?
Man, my stomach is killing me. Do you have a...
No, I don't, man. Sorry, my family is waiting.
- You've got a family?
- Yeah.
Is it a nice, good family?
Goodbye!
Like the Manson family,
good family?
Oh God...
Ow.
Oh God.
Are you all right?
Oh no, I'm not.
My stomach is
fucking killing me.
Oh.
You should go get it
checked out or something.
No shit. Yeah, I should go
to a doctor probably.
Yeah, it could be like,
stomach cancer.
You've got a lot of nerve
talking about cancer,
while you're
smoking a cigarette.
It's not a cigarette.
Weed,
the shit they give you
if you have cancer
to ease all the pain.
You want some?
- No.
- No?
But your neck...
I wouldn't mind
having a bite out of that.
Have you been doing some
bath salts or something, buddy?
No, I just want a
little bit of that.
Wait a second.
Can I ask you question?
Can I ask you a question?
Hey, don't...
Come back here.
Oh God that's...
That's delicious.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that.
I'm sorry but it's so good.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
I'm sorry.
You look like
such a nice boy too.
Were you a student?
Yeah, what did you study?
I didn't stay in school.
You didn't stay in school?
- I didn't finish.
- You didn't finish?
No!
That's what you get for
not getting your education.
Thanks for agreeing
to come back
and have dinner with me again.
I appreciate that, thanks.
Yeah, I believe
in second changes.
Yeah, there's so much
bleakness in the world,
so much tragedy.
No, I totally understand.
There's a lot to be
depressed about.
It was getting to me
but I think I'm over it now.
You know, I wanted to show
you that I'm a decent person,
I think, in a lot of ways.
- This is who you really are.
- This is who I am.
Yeah, so...
You seem like a good guy.
I knew you were a good guy.
I'm all right.
You know, I feel
pretty strong these days.
Yeah, absolutely.
Hey, you sure you don't
want anything to eat?
No, I'll have something later.
Oh God.
Yeah.
Oh, Oh.
What did you do to me?
That felt so good.
Yeah, it did. Oh man.
You want to do it again?
- Yes!
- Yeah.
Listen to me for a second.
I can fuck.
I really can.
I... like, I can fuck.
Sure you can.
Listen, I was having a bad
night last time.
I strained my back
and I just had some personal
issues to deal with.
But now,
I'm like Zeus, Adonis,
God, Greek gods, you know
whatever the God of Sex is,
God of Sex.
God of Sex.
You are exactly the same.
I mean, exactly.
You brought me to
the same restaurant.
How lame is that?
And it's completely dead.
And you're not even drinking.
I'm drinking alone.
I'll have a drink later
after I show you a thing or two.
Uh... that was incredible.
Yeah, it's amazing
what you can do with
a five and half inch dick.
It, it's... uh-huh.
I told you it would get better.
I...did not expect that.
Yeah, right.
You want to go again?
Can you?
Yes, sure, of course.
Absolutely!
Hey, you want to try
something a little crazy?
Sure, what is it?
What do you want to do?
Have you ever choked anyone?
No.
Like, during sex?
- Yeah.
- Really?
No, I've never done that before.
I like feeling pressure
on my neck while we fuck.
Really?
Do you actually want to try
something crazier than that?
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
You're not eating?
No.
Are you on a diet
or something?
No.
- Do you think I should be on a diet or something like that?
- I don't know. - Is that what you're saying? - I don't know.
I like that.
I like that you're like, "I don't know."
Most people are like,
"No, you're fine.
Your body's fine,"
but like, "I don't know."
Well, you called me fat,
last time!
- Did I?
- More or less.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.
I apologize.
I was rude.
Yeah, well, you're
doing better tonight.
Yeah, that's cool.
Ooh, baby.
Oh my God.
Oh my God,
that was great.
Oh shit!
It's a beautiful day.
What are you doing?
Stop it!
What are you doing?
Put it back up!
What are you doing?
- Put the curtain back up!
- All right, all right.
Put them up!
- Put it up!
- Okay.
- Put it back up!
- Okay. I'm trying.
Put it up!
- Put it up!
- I am.
Put it up!
I'm burning!
I feel like my skin is
melting off my dick!
- I'm getting out of here.
- What are you doing?
- Put it up!
- You're scaring me!
- What are you doing?
- I've got to go to work!
No, look!
No, wait! Hold on.
Wait a second.
Stop, just don't go.
I've got to go to work.
Don't you have to go to work?
Look, I'm sorry.
Look, okay, don't go.
Look, I'm sorry.
Stay please.
Cuddle with me, please.
I hope you didn't
give me anything,
because we didn't use
a condom last night.
Okay, there is one thing maybe,
one little tiny thing.
You may feel the urge
to bite someone later,
and draw blood, maybe.
But if you do,
just kind of go with it, okay.
You are really weird.
I don't know where you work.
I work at Chase Manhattan bank.
Where's my purse?
Okay, well you might want to see
if they'll let you work nights.
Yeah, right.
I'm not kidding.
I'm dead serious here.
- I've got to go.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
Bye-bye
Thank you.
Mr. Sparrow, it's Leiberman.
Who?
Leiberman, your landlord.
Mr. Leiberman?
Mr. Leiberman, yes.
Mr. Leiberman,
can you come back tonight?
No, I need to talk to you now,
please, Mr. Sparrow.
Come back tonight,
Mr. Leiberman!
Mr. Sparrow, need to talk
to you now, please.
Can you come back tonight?
Please come to the door,
Mr. Sparrow.
Please come back tonight!
I need to collect the rent,
Mr. Sparrow.
Goddamnit!
Oh fuck!
What is it?
I need to collect the rent,
Mr. Sparrow.
What rent?
What are you talking about?
The rent, Mr. Sparrow. Your rent,
it's very late. It's the first time.
We haven't had this problem before,
but I need to collect the rent.
Okay, give me a second, okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, just hold on!
Goddamnit!
Fuck!
Oh God, its hot as shit!
It burns!
Global warming fucking sucks!
Come back tomorrow,
Mr. Leiberman!!!
Mr. Sparrow, I need to
talk to you right now!
I know, the rent, it can
wait one more 24-hour period!
I'll put five percent
on it extra, fuck!
Mr. Sparrow,
please open the door!
We need to talk now,
Mr. Sparrow!
Okay, I'm coming!
God, rent, money!
It's all about money!
Fuck!
This door knob needs to be
fixed, Mr. Leiberman.
I haven't said
anything about it
because I didn't want
to trouble you.
Come here, come here.
I want you to look at me for second
so we can talk about
the rent,
because that's why you're here,
to talk about the rent.
- Ok, I understand.
- Yes.
I need to collect the rent,
Mr. Sparrow. Yes, yes.
Oh that.
Yeah, don't worry about that.
I have really bad back acne,
so when I lie down
to go to sleep,
it's like bubble wrap.
It's like, "Pop, pop!"
Instead of the bubbles being filled with
air, they're filled with blood and pus.
But that's not what
you want to talk about.
- You want to talk about the rent and I'm okay with that.
- It's the rent.
- I'm very concerned, Mr. Sparrow.
- I know you're concerned,
but look at me very carefully
right now as I tell you this.
Right now, because...
No, no, look at me.
There is no rent, right.
There's not going
to be any rent.
The rent does not exist.
I don't understand.
Okay,
look at me for a second.
We live in a venal world,
I understand that.
It's a world were people
like me judge people like you,
for being the way that you are
and looking the way that you do
and believing the things
that you believe.
- It's okay.
- I don't understand.
I'm talking about
judgment here, okay.
I judge you,
you judge me.
I will never judge you,
Mr. Sparrow,
as long as you pay the rent.
Yeah, I know because
you've got to pay your bills.
I'm sure you do.
But you could take care of
your family without my rent.
Don't you think
you could do that?
How many children do you have?
Twelve!
- Twelve children, wow. You have some virile sperm.
- Yes. - I've got chunky semen.
You know,
with a family that big,
you could probably
start an army.
You could probably take over North
Korea or something like that.
You could probably take over all
the real estate in North Korea.
I am not interested
in North Korea.
I am only interested
in my properties
here in Bushwick, Mr. Sparrow.
I need to collect the rent!
Okay, I understand,
now you understand me, okay.
There is no rent.
You're not charging me
anymore rent,
and I'm not paying
anymore rent.
You understand what I'm
telling you, Mr. Leiberman?
I do, Mr. Sparrow.
Very good, very good.
And you're okay with what
I'm saying, Mr. Leiberman?
I can't believe
I'm saying this but yes,
I am, Mr. Sparrow.
Terrific, that's great!
That's awesome.
What a great understanding.
That's terrific.
Okay, now that we have
all that figured out,
let me escort you out
of the building.
How do you say
"Good day" in Yiddish?
"Good Day."
Well, if I could
pronounce that, I would,
but I can't, but have
a nice day regardless.
And say hello
to your twelve children
and your wife who I'm sure
is very, very tired.
So have a good day.
Thank you very much!
You know, my ex-girlfriend Jody
and I use to argue about this.
I use to have this fantasy,
this exact thing,
where I would be in bed
with three beautiful women,
and she thought it was
really misogynistic.
So we use to argue about it,
but this isn't misogynistic.
Misogyny means to hate women.
I'm loving on three women.
So I never understood
that argument.
Anyway, let's get it on again.
I think that would be
a good idea.
Sure.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Let's try something different.
I got a couple of ideas in mind.
Like what?
I was thinking you, Blake, could lie on your
back and Denise, you could sit on Blake's face.
Samantha you could
go down on Blake
and I would take you
from behind.
That does sound
a bit misogynistic.
You think so?
Yeah, it just feels like
you're using us as sex objects.
No, no, no.
We'd all be connected, that's the point.
Right, but you're giving everyone orders.
No.
I'm offering suggestions,
I'm not...
You're exploiting us.
I'm not exploiting you all.
What was your
ex-girlfriend like?
What's that?
Your ex-girlfriend.
Jody?
Yeah.
She was... she was great.
She was really smart
and independent,
and really creative sexually
and she was amazing actually.
So why'd you break-up?
Yeah, let's change
the subject, okay.
No, maybe you should call her.
No, let's not talk
about this anymore.
Let's try this instead.
I'll lie on my back.
Denise you sit on my face.
I figure Blake, I could prop
my legs up like this
and you could fist me,
and then that way
I'll be the object.
And then Samantha,
you could get a copy of um...
I've got a copy of
Ginsberg's Howl
on the bookshelf.
Maybe you could just read
that while we're doing that.
Okay.
...He's a strange guy
but nice, right?
No, he's totally cool...
Erik.
Hey, baby.
Don't call me that.
I mean, hey, honey love.
What are you doing here?
I just came by here to get some more of
my stuff. You don't have anything here.
I'm pretty sure I left my
Culture Club record up there.
How you doing?
- Great, man. Good to see you. - Good to see you too.
- It's been too long. You look handsome. Did you get a facelift?
You look even more
handsome than before.
You look even
fatter than before.
Well, the only reason I look
fatter is because your mom
had a liposuction and I ate
all the fat off her fat ass.
My mom's dead.
Hey listen,
that shirt looks really great.
Did you get that at Abercrombie and Fitch
because fat people aren't allow to wear them,
that's why I'm going to
burn them to the ground.
Okay. Erik, this is
totally inappropriate.
You need to leave now.
I think the appropriate
usage of that word is
"unappropriate", okay.
- Can I just talk to her alone, why you go molest a child?
- Actually no.
That's so funny,
such a comedian.
I see what you saw in him.
I saw a poster of your
face and a girl's vagina.
- Oh, really, I saw a poster...
- No, I didn't mean that.
It wasn't a girl's vagina,
it was a monkey's vagina.
Jerry Garcia, is that your
fucking name, reincarnated?
Jerry Garcia was a god
and you are an oddball,
okay and I will use a pool stick
and jam it right up your...
Okay, okay,
what do you want?
I just want to go
to the bathroom, actually.
Can I pee?
I just have to pee.
There's a corner right there.
Can I use the bathroom?
I just have to pee, okay?
Then you'll never see me again,
I promise.
- You promise?
- No, no.
Yes!
- You promise you'll never, ever contact me, ever again?
- You'll never see me again.
Only in your dreams
and your nightmares
will you guys ever
see me again, okay.
This is so... okay fine.
Just go.
- Thank you.
- No. After you.
Don't touch me.
All right.
We're cool.
What should we do?
Let's just wait.
What if he doesn't leave?
He'll leave.
He's harmless.
Do you want me
to kick his ass?
I am harmless.
I was against the war in Iraq,
Afghanistan.
I believe in love,
just like that Beatles song.
You know who the Beatles
were don't you... butthole?
Yes, I know who the Beatles are.
Yeah, I bet you do.
I bet your musical tastes are really great.
You're probably the fan club president
of the Nickleback squad.
You've probably got a poster
of Justin Bieber
on your ceiling.
You've probably got a
Taylor Swift tattoo
on your testicles, don't you?
Look, I'm not judging you, man.
To each his own.
Where's my Culture Club record?
Erik, you used the bathroom.
You should leave now.
Did you know that
she proposed to me?
No.
Yep, she asked me to marry her.
That's who I am.
You need to leave,
like the lady said.
Well, you need to stop referring
to that lady as a lady.
That lady has a name.
Erik, just go.
Let me ask you a question,
Jay-Jay.
Dude, get out of my face.
Look at me.
Look at me for a second.
Jody, I'm going
to punch this guy.
Just look at me
in the eyes, okay.
You got thirty seconds to
get the fuck out of here!
Or what?
You're going to open
a can of whoop-ass? No, no.
I'm going to open a whole six pack of whoop-ass.
I'll drink a six pack of whoop-ass for breakfast.
In fact, I'll drink a keg.
In fact,
I was thinking of opening up a brewery of
whoop-ass. Erik, what's going on? Are you okay?
Listen to me, Jason.
Look me in the eyes
and do as I command.
Oh!
Fuck!
Jason.
Oh my God.
What the fuck was
I suppose to do?
You didn't have to hit him.
Oh God.
Come here. Let me see.
It hurts.
I think he
"septumated my devium."
Oh God, you're bleeding.
Yeah.
Erik.
What's happened to your eyes?
I'm blinded by your love.
Stop.
Why are you so ridiculous?
- Because I love you.
- Don't say that.
I do.
I'm sorry.
I need you.
Okay, okay.
I'm going to go get a washcloth.
I'm calling the cops.
You don't need to call the cops. I told you he's
harmless. Harmless? Yeah, jealous ex-boyfriend.
Have you seen Star Eighty?
Ow, Ow.
Get off of me.
- Erik!
- Fuck.
- Ow, ow.
- What the fuck just happened?
I'm sorry.
Did he bite you?
God, he fucking bit me.
Good-bye, Jody.
What? Jesus.
Okay, just stop it.
Stay still.
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Just stop.
Oh God, fuck.
- Do something, make it better.
- Okay, okay. Just stay still.
Make it better, make it better,
make it better,
make it better, make it better.
- Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck...
- Shh.
Hey, Hey.
- What's going on?
- Oh, hey.
- Is that...
- How are you doing?
- It's you!
- Yeah!
- It's you!
- Hey, what are you doing?
Come on, get over here,
get in this.
What?
Try some of this right here, man.
Oh, I would love some, yeah.
Yeah, come on.
Get on in there.
- Oh, thank you.
- There you go.
It's so humid tonight.
Mm-hmm.
Global warming is
serious business.
People really need to take care
of the environment, I think.
Yeah,
I don't really think about the
environment so much, anymore.
I did a lot when I was younger,
but so much now, you know.
You want some more of this?
- Yeah, I'll take a little sip.
- Yeah, have some more.
It is hot though... hot as fuck!
Mm-hmm.
- Insane...
- Yeah.
Oh man.
I think I'm done with him.
Yeah me too, I think.
Yeah.
Do you want a bev nap?
- Oh, you've got a bev nap?
- Yeah.
Oh perfect.
I just keep them around,
in case. Oh, great.
Oh yeah.
- It's good.
- Mm-hmm.
- I ate earlier.
- Mm-hmm.
That was a nice little snack.
Very good.
Yeah, hmm.
Mm-hmm. Wow.
I got everything?
You got a little bit,
right there. So...
So, you think he's got a family?
I don't think about that
kind of stuff anymore, do you?
- I do actually... lately too, more than ever.
- Really?
So you still care a little bit?
Sure, yeah.
Maybe we should go have
a little walk and talk.
Yeah, that would be great.
- Yep, John Lennon.
- Wow.
Ken Lay, yeah.
Amelia Earhart.
- Amelia Earhart? Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
What about Slobodan Milosevic?
Yep, he's not dead.
He's one of us.
I knew that fucker wasn't dead!
That sucks!
How about Pol Pot?
No, I think he's dead.
He's really dead.
That's a relief.
That's good.
How's John Lennon?
- Awesome.
- Is he awesome?
He's an awesome guy.
But Ken Lay is obviously,
a real dick.
- Oh I'm sure.
- He's a piece of shit.
Even though he comes to this...
We all get together at this...
Every five years there's
this big get together,
- it's beautiful,
- Uh-huh.
A big celebration,
everybody hangs out.
Ken Lay's there,
he's a dick,
but Lennon is there
so it's cool.
Oh, yeah that would
be cool to meet him.
So you've got to come.
It's fun, you have to
come to this next one. I don't think so.
I think I'm kind of done
with all of this stuff.
What do you mean?
I'm just fed-up with it, fed up
with the whole thing.
You don't think it's better
now than it was before?
Look, I was selfish before,
but now it's out of control.
I think I want to start thinking
about other people, you know.
Maybe start a family?
It's hard to explain.
Yeah, it's hard to explain.
You know,
you talk too much.
You've got to stop talking.
You know?
It's nice to be quiet sometimes.
Okay.
This is me here,
my apartment.
Oh, you still live
in an apartment?
Yeah, what?
You have a house?
- Do you live in a house?
- No, no.
Where do you live?
Hotels mostly.
- Hotels?
- Yeah.
Do you want to come in?
- Oh yeah, I would like to take a shower if you don't mind.
- Oh sure, not a problem. - Oh great.
Hey, do you really thing
I talk too much?
What?
Do you really think
I have a big mouth?
Yes, you do.
- Hey, will you do me a favor?
- Sure.
- Just wash my back.
- Wash your back?
Just wash my back.
There's a... just wash my back.
Come on.
There's a back washing
stick back there.
I know,
but it's my shoulder.
I have a bad shoulder.
I can't get my arm around.
Just get in,
just stand right there.
Okay, okay.
Well, what am I
suppose to do?
You've never washed
somebody's back?
Wash my back.
I'm not going to bite you.
That's funny, okay.
Go ahead.
There you go, yep.
So, you really want
to have a normal life,
just an average...
No, not an average life.
Wife, kids, picket fence,
two car garage, all that stuff?
Yeah, that sounds nice
but I don't want to be a bunch of
suburban zombies who watch TV all day.
I want to take the wife
and kids to Europe
and have adventures,
that kind of thing.
You think you're going to
be able to afford that?
You can afford that?
Not now, but I figure I can
do that eye hypnotism thing.
There's a lot of
potential with that.
You know, I'll walk
into a travel agency,
hypnotize a travel agent
and get free tickets.
That would work.
Yeah it works, I haven't paid
for a hotel in a long time.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Oh, thank you.
No, I mean like the lifestyle.
I don't want to do
the lifestyle anymore.
I want to be normal again.
God, okay.
- Erik, do you really want to go back to normal?
- Yes.
- You really want to change back?
- Yes, I do.
It's not that hard.
It's actually pretty easy.
There's a simple way.
- There's a way to go back
- Yeah.
To the way we were before?
Really?
How?
- Listen, just get down on your hands and knees, okay.
- Okay, okay. - No, not here.
No, get down on your hands
and knees and pray to God.
- Pray to God?
- Yes.
What do I pray for?
It's sort of like, It's a Wonderful Life. You're praying
for things to go back to normal. Have you seen that?
- Really? That's all I have to do?
- Yeah. - Pray to God and ask?
Pray as much as
you've ever prayed before.
Pray for forgiveness,
for absolution.
Ask God to take things
back to normal.
That's all I have to do?
I can just pray to God?
Yeah, totally.
Oh, Jesus Christ,
that's so incredible.
No, come on.
There's no God.
I was just kidding.
You can't go back.
I would love to see
that image...
You on your hands and
knees praying to God,
right after you sucked someone's
blood out of their body.
That's hilarious.
You're an asshole.
I'd love to see that.
I'm getting out.
God, it was great to see you.
- It was really great running into you.
- Yeah.
It's crazy how you run into
people in New York all the time.
In a city this big?
Nuts, right.
Yeah.
- Thanks for the shower. It was great.
- My pleasure. - And the shirt.
- Anytime.
- Awesome.
- Just keep it.
- Thank you, thanks.
- See you around.
- See you around.
- Oh, hey. I wanted to ask you one thing though.
- Okay.
Up in the shower,
you were talking about God,
- and you said there is no God.
- Yeah.
So, there is no God?
Who knows?
Good. Okay. Yeah.
Okay. Bye Erik.
See you later.
See you.
Hi.
Hi.
Do you want something to drink?
Yeah, sure.
Um,
I don't really have anything.
You want some water?
- Oh no, it's fine.
- Okay.
I'm really surprised
to see you, actually.
Yeah, I'm surprised too.
I missed you.
Yeah, I missed you too.
What happened to
"what's his face?"
Oh, Jason?
It didn't work out.
Really?
Why not?
He started sleeping
around a lot.
Like, a lot.
Like, with women
and men, maybe a sheep.
- Did he bite you?
- What?
He didn't bite you.
No.
Erik, I'm worried about you.
Are you okay?
Listen, I don't really
want to talk, okay.
Okay.
Will you... will you
just sit with me?
Yeah.
Can we just sit here
and not talk?
Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
- Great view, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- It reminds me of you.
- Why?
It's pretty.
That's so cheesy.
- You want some wine?
- Yeah, I do.
The wedding was beautiful,
wasn't it?
Yeah, it was.
Your mother was
surprisingly warm to me.
She's very happy now.
Yeah, I think I like
your mom now.
She likes you too.
Yeah, but your Grandfather
was kind of cold,
actually, a little.
Oh, he hates you.
He does?
Well yeah,
because you're Turkish.
- Seriously?
- Uh-huh.
No.
No, no.
Don't take it personally.
He hates everybody,
like, Turkish people,
Africans, French,
Mexicans, Canadians,
Irish, Germans.
- That's the whole population.
- Yeah.
What is he?
What is his nationality?
- He's a real jerk.
- He's a real jerk.
You know there was
a girl at work
- who wouldn't go out with me because I was...
- What?
Never mind.
Nothing, nothing.
Take your pants off.
Okay, yeah, sure thing.
You don't want to do
that romantic thing
where I undress you
and you undress me?
No, I don't want to.
I just want to have sex.
Okay, I hear you.
- Hurry up.
- Yeah.
- Oh fuck.
- Oh God, not now.
- No, I'm okay, I'm okay.
- Are you sure?
Yes, I'm okay.
Oh fuck. Oh my God.
I've got to go.
No!
I have to go.
Erik, just bite me.
What?
- Just do it.
- No, no.
I want you to.
Just bite me.
I can't.
No, I've thought about this. I want you to do it. Look,
I'm just going to go out and get a puppy to bite
or something like that.
I can't bite you.
No, I want you to.
Just bite me, its fine.
I don't want you to
be like me, okay.
This is not a superhero.
This isn't a superpower.
This is a curse.
Oh, fuck me.
I know why
you won't bite me.
I told you, I don't want you
to be like me, okay.
No, no, it's not that.
It's your commitment issues,
okay.
What?
I committed to you.
I got married, okay.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Yes, but if you bite me,
that means you'll have to live with me
forever. What? What are you talking about?
You get to go on and then I die
and you get to be single again.
If you bite me,
it means you're really committed to me.
Oh, God damn. Oh, motherfucker.
Listen,
I want to be with you, okay,
but asking me to commit
to you for eternity... that's,
that's asking for a lot.
Erik, no.
True love is eternal. So...
Ha, ha, ha.
Are you laughing at me?
No, I'm just in
such fucking pain.
I'm doing that thing
where people laugh
when they're in pain.
This shit isn't funny though.
Oh God, listen.
Can't we just be married
for forty or fifty years
and squeeze out
a bunch of babies
and have a normal life?
Can't we just do that?
I've got to go.
No, I'm not pregnant.
Yeah, but there's nothing
wrong with my sperm sample.
We went to the doctor,
they said that my
chunky semen was fine.
Everything's going to be okay.
You know, I don't even
know if I want your children.
What if they're
little monsters
and they end up biting my tit off when
I'm trying to breast feed them.
That's the sprit, okay.
I like it when you're being funny,
even though we're having an argument.
- That's terrific.
- I don't want to argue. I don't want to argue either, okay?
But I've got to go.
Come on,
don't you want a little nibble?
Doesn't that look nice?
Nono, no, no.
I can't.
Look,
I'll happily drink your blood
during that time
of the month, okay.
Ew, Erik that's so gross.
I know it is, I'm sorry.
I've got to go.
You know,
you haven't changed at all.
You're still the same person.
I haven't changed?
Of course I've changed.
I've embraced all the fears
that I've ever had in my life,
marriage and babies,
I've embraced all of it.
I'm the same person.
I'm a changed person,
I'm a changed person, okay.
I just feel like I'm going to
fuckin'...my stomach feels like
somebody is eating me
from the inside, goddamn.
Listen, I love you, okay.
You're my little baby doll,
okay.
We got married,
I will give you my everything,
my cock,
I will give you my testicles,
they all belong to you.
My hands, my palms,
my fingerprints,
my feet, they're all yours.
You can keep your feet.
Yeah, my little sphincter
belongs to you.
No, I don't...
You can keep that.
- My heart belongs to you.
- That's nice.
Okay, okay, okay, go, go.
Please, okay.
I love you.
Can I get you anything while I'm out?
No, just don't forget to bring your phone.
Huh, what?
Your phone, don't forget
to bring your phone.
That's right.
See, I'm a changed person.
Be careful.
I got a Motorola Tracfone
for you.
I got it here.
I'll text you pictures,
my honey.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I love you, bye...
Who's your friend?
Why don't you introduce us?
Hey, Penelope,
it's you, oh my God.
Hi.
How are you?
I've been running into
everyone in New York lately.
Yeah, me too.
Wow.
You clean up nicely.
Thank you.
You look very
handsome in a tuxedo.
You look good.
Thank you.
Really good.
Well, what's the occasion?
Oh, it's just a wedding.
Oh, who's getting married?
Just a friend.
I'm back.
Did you eat?
Yeah.
What did you have?
Um, you don't want to know.
You don't want to know that.
Yeah I do.
Did you eat a rat?
Yeah, right. That's exactly
what I had, a rat.
Aren't you glad
I didn't bite you now?
This is what you would
have to look forward to.
Yeah, I mean,
on second thought.
Yeah, I going to
go to the bathroom.
Okay!
Erik, did you order
room service?
Huh.
There's someone at the door.
Yeah, get it.
Can I help you?
Yes.
Can I come in?
Um, I think you
have the wrong...
Erik!
Yeah.
I followed you.
Oh, do you two know
one another?
Yes, he just bit me!
I need to go wipe!
I'm so sorry to bother you but,
I just feel kind of confused.
Like, my legs feel weird.
It kind of feels like shrooming,
but way better.
Erik, get out here now.
Wow, you are bossy.
Do you always talk
to him like this?
I'm here.
I'm here.
Erik, did you bite her?
I've never seen
this woman in my life.
Oh my God,
that is such bologna.
We work together
and he used to masturbate to
pictures of me in the bathroom.
- That's not true.
- Yes it is.
Jamie installed a spy camera
in the ceiling of the bathroom,
and he made a video of you.
He has like, ten videos.
What?
He did what?
Your husband's a pervert.
I'm not the pervert.
Jamie's the pervert.
Did he really do that?
And you all watched me?
- He installed a video camera?
- I didn't. Everybody else did.
Everybody at work
saw me jerking off?
I didn't.
I don't like porn.
I watch the History channel.
- Erik, did you bite her?
- No, I did not bite her.
- Yes.
- No, I didn't.
Yes.
Maybe a little bit.
See, and I really wish
you would do it again,
because it felt good.
She's a crazy woman.
She's out of her mind.
She's a lunatic.
Look at her.
Look at her.
She's a... she's a...
- What are you doing?
- I'm leaving.
You can't go,
not on our wedding night,
- Listen...
- I'm such an idiot.
I'm the idiot, okay.
Listen...
I am not an idiot.
I have an IQ of 150.
Will you please...
- Bullshit, no you don't.
- I do.
I was a child prodigy,
and I got a perfect score
on my SAT's.
Don't do this, listen.
Erik, I don't care what you have to say.
"Jody, I'm sorry. Jody, I love you.
Jody, I made a mistake."
It's not cute any more.
Ooh, I want some.
Hey, that's enough.
Hey, come on,
you're going to hurt her.
You're going to kill her.
Stop it.
Okay.
Be gentle with her.
She's my wife.
Some husband you are,
going around biting other woman
on your wedding night.
You're right.
Jesus, I really
screwed everything up.
Do you believe in Jesus?
No, why would you ask me that?
Well, you just said
"Jesus Christ I really
screwed everything up."
It's just an expression,
it's like,
"Jiminy Crickets,
I screwed everything up,
gosh darn it."
Yeah, but Jiminy Cricket
wasn't a prophet. He was kind of a prophet,
I mean, like,
to Pinocchio, sort of.
He was Pinocchio's conscience.
Yeah, but he said wise
things to Pinocchio,
like a prophet does.
But he wasn't a prophet.
He was a cricket.
God, Penelope, who cares?
See, there you go again
with the God thing.
So what.
I really think
you believe in God.
Do you believe in God?
Sure.
But you have an IQ of 150.
Yeah, well, science hasn't
scientifically proven
that God doesn't exist,
not definitively.
- Do you believe in prayer?
- What do you mean?
Do you believe that God
answers prayers?
I think it depends on
what the person prays for.
Would you pray with me now?
Okay.
Okay.
Dear Mr. God,
Mrs. God, whatever.
I don't normally pray but
because of all the crazy shit,
stuff that's been
happening recently,
I figured your existence
might not be so far-fetched,
after all.
It's funny that
I've never prayed,
because I'm a very
selfish person
and I consider daily prayer
a pretty selfish act.
I mean, "ask and
you shall receive?"
That sounds pretty selfish.
It's kind of like sitting on
Santa Claus' lap
every night before
you go to bed and saying
"Hey Santa, I want this
and Santa I want that."
And well, I thought
I'd take you up on that.
I mean, you can pray
for others too.
I pray for the sick
and the unfortunate.
I pray for other
people's happiness.
I pray for world peace.
There's no such thing.
World peace is impossible,
okay.
Well, it's like the general idea
that you don't just
pray for yourself.
You pray for others.
Okay, this isn't
that kind of prayer.
This is a selfish prayer, okay.
Let me have my selfish prayer.
Okay, okay, be selfish.
God, please make me
normal again.
Please make Penelope normal
again if that's possible.
At least take away her desire
to drink blood and fuck shit up.
Please forgive us
for biting Jody.
That was a mistake
and I love her so much.
If it's possible too, God,
could you forgive me for all
horrible things that I've done?
I've done terrible things.
Someone once told me that
all you have to do is
ask for forgiveness
and you'll forgive them,
o matter what.
I find it very comforting
that you're such a pushover.
Anyway, if you could just
take away our affliction,
our disease,
I promise to believe in you for perpetuity, or
for the end of time, or you know, whatever.
Penelope, do you
want to add anything?
Don't forget world peace.
Oh yeah, God, please do
what you can for world peace
and maybe grant everybody
happiness if you can,
except for all those
corporate shithead,
super rich motherfuckers
who are are making
the world a worse place
than it probably
would be otherwise.
Anyway, yeah, that's about all.
Dominus forbiscum,
et Tu spirit Tu Tu oh.
Allah Hallah.
Jesus Christ.
In the name of the holy father,
and the holy ghost and
the holy manger, Amen.
Amen.
She's awake.
Oh praise... something.
Are you okay,
my sweet angel?
Say something,
my sweet angel.
Are we going to fuck or what?