- Good morning, Dad.
- Morning, Jennifer.
When you were in school,
did you ever cut class?
Yeah. Most kids cut classes.
- Good. Sign this.
- Get your mother to sign it. I'm late.
But Mom doesn't understand.
She never cut classes.
- Mommy never cut classes.
- Will you stop copying me?
- Jack, breakfast!
- I haven't time.
Make time. You can't start your day
without a good breakfast.
Yeah, I made it for you, Dad!
Breakfast is my class project.
- What did you make?
- Spaghetti and one hard-boiled egg.
Tell you what, hold the spaghetti, throw
in another egg and I'll eat it in the car.
Jack!
Jack!
You stop, or I'll shoot! Jack!
- Go away, I'm late.
- What's in the cup?
- Herbal tea.
- Liar. Give it to me.
I like coffee! It picks me up.
It gives you heartburn
and flattens your adrenals.
- How does it feel to always be right?
- I revel in it.
Watch your toes, Mother Teresa.
- I love you!
- Bring it up now when I'm going to work.
Great!
Don't they teach those kids anything?
You're supposed to put it in cold water
after you boil them.
Wonderful.
Not bad.
If you did contribute, the Lord
will guarantee you a place in heaven.
Will there be weeping
and gnashing of teeth, or...?
Jesus said, "Don't talk to me
when I'm talking to you..."
- Jeez!
...an enemy of the Lord?
Wouldn't you like the Reverend Archie's
personally edited Bible in your home?
Jeez!
My fault, it was my fault! My fault!
I should've told him
to boil the other egg.
Son of a bitch, why don't you come
back and try that again? Moron!
- Hey, excuse me! Hello?
- Sorry, pal, I'm late.
What am I supposed to do?
Wait here all day?
This is great. Nice way to start the day.
Oh, God! I'm not built for this.
Damn! I'm going to get that guy.
I'm late now.
What are these things for?
I've been here ten years.
They know who I am by now.
Stupid thing!
I'm late again. This is going to look good.
You descend and maintain 12,000.
Pan Am three, descend to 15,000.
- Then turn right to 2-5-0 degrees.
- This is Pan Am three, say again.
I say again, descend to 15,000
and turn right to 2-5-0.
A Lufthansa jumbo is in that space.
What are you trying to do? Mate us?
Pan Am three, disregard.
Maintain at 17,000
and present heading 2-2-0.
United three-two, turn right,
heading 1-7-0.
American four-one, reduce ten knots.
And you,
November-three-four-seven-Golf...
Where are you?
Where the hell are you?
Come in! Where are you? I should...
Acknowledge, please!
Acknowledge! Where are you?
- It's OK.
- No!
- I got a small plane here I can't find.
- Jack...
...a fly landed on your screen.
I hate flies! I hate them. Filthy things!
They do that, that's what they do.
Jack, let's take your break.
- Hal, can't you pull some strings for me?
- The Agency gave you a mandatory five.
You've been landing planes for 13 years.
Face it, you're burned out.
It's not a dirty word in this business.
As your friend, you need this rest.
I can't believe they're doing this!
Just because of a fly!
- Rats! That hurt!
- What's he kicking, Mom?
- I don't know.
- Oh, boy!
He's just a little over...
- Daddy, can I drive?
- Yeah, sure. Why not?
- You can have the second 100 miles.
- Are you going to keep doing that?
- Bobby, knock it off.
- OK.
I've forgotten something. What is it?
Only the wallpaper,
but we can get some on the road.
Don't mock me, Sandy. It's the first time
I've gone on one of these.
- I'm a little nervous, all right?
- I know. Sorry.
- All got your seat belts on?
- Dad!
All right, here we go.
- All right!
- Yeah!
- All right!
- Can't wait to swim in the ocean.
OK, OK! Next stop, Citrus Cove, Florida.
- Daddy, I have to pee.
- Now I know what I forgot.
- He didn't say how many rooms?
- It's three bedrooms and on a beach.
- It was real nice of Hal to find it for us.
- And to point out I'm cracking up.
You are not cracking up.
You just need a rest.
Didn't we just get back from Hawaii?
Jack, that was our honeymoon.
Yeah. Hey, this might be fun.
Rise and shine, everybody! We're here!
- Hey, look! Water!
- Dad, can we go swimming?
- Look at the water! It's beautiful!
- I told you I'd find Florida.
Now all you have to do
is find Citrus Cove.
Found it.
- Beach Lane. Good navigating, honey.
- Thank you.
- What are we looking for?
- 411, 411...
413...
415! This is it.
Oh, my! Hal is a friend.
It's two storeys, it's redwood...
It's got balconies!
Can I have a balcony room, please?
- This is great!
- Goodness!
- Watch me! OK, Dad, here I go.
- This is gorgeous.
It really is very lovely.
I hope the keys are in the mailbox.
There they are, just like the old man said.
All right, let's go! Come on!
All right, contestants, let's see
what's behind door number one.
- Oh, Jack!
- It's beautiful!
- Look at these glass pieces.
- Mom, this is huge.
Look, they got a piano.
Honey, look at the view!
We're right on the water! Wow!
- It's a brochure.
- It's a postcard.
Don't run up those stairs.
- Bobby, move!
- I'm trying! These are heavy.
- This is heavy, too.
- Hi.
Archie! It's OK,
he's just barking, that's all.
Just barking. Don't be afraid.
Come on, Arch!
He always barks at people he likes.
Come on, Arch!
He must really like you a lot.
Archie, get your ass up here!
- Where do they go?
- Let me help.
No, don't throw off my balance.
Why not empty the U-Haul tomorrow?
No, I'm putting all my suffering into
one day. I don't mind unloading bags.
- I just don't want to do it for a living.
- It's still early.
I'll go to the grocery store. When you've
finished, take the kids swimming.
Swimming?
Gee, I forgot my bathing suit!
Guess I can't go in the water all summer.
Jack, nobody cares what you look like
in a bathing suit.
That's just it.
- I'll pick one up.
- I won't wear it.
- Not until I lose three or four pounds.
- I love the way you look in a bathing suit.
My mother was right. You're twisted.
- What are you looking at?
- Nothing, Dad.
Me neither.
- We want to go in.
- Good idea.
- You guys go for a swim.
- Aren't you coming?
No, I'll watch.
I don't want to get too wet my first day.
- All right. Can you hold these for me?
- Yeah, sure.
There you go.
This thing must be pretty good for $80.
How do you shut it off? Equaliser...
Loud, eh?
Hi. Jack Chester, I'm your neighbour.
And you're?
Having lunch.
Looks good.
Just enjoy. I don't want to bother you.
I'll join you later for Martinis.
Kidding.
Just watching my kids.
I'll be here.
Enjoy.
- Don't worry, it's dead.
- Bobby, I told you not to do that.
Dad, she told me to do it!
- Enough! Just get it out of here.
- Dad, you're kind of red.
Good.
I wanted to get a little colour, you know.
That's a good base.
That's a good base.
You got to do these things in stages.
- Let me put this on.
- Does it look that bad?
Your nose would show up on satellite.
Want me to drive?
I'm OK, as long as
I don't have to make many turns.
Where are we going? I'm starving.
- A place called the Yachthouse.
- It has fresh seafood.
- Let's talk lobster.
- Lobster!
- Would that be a three pounder?
- Three pounds, one quarter.
- Perfect.
- Yours is the next table.
Sorry. Excuse me. You're next.
I'm not next. I was just...
I'm next way down the line. I was just
checking out my dinner... Sorry.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Pardon. Pardon. Sorry.
- Excuse me.
- How does it look?
- A while yet. I got mints and toothpicks.
- Can I take some home for Archie?
The same guy's in all the pictures.
Captain Al Pellet.
- He's won seven years straight.
- Guess he's good.
- Wow, they're big!
- Excuse me, sir, how much longer?
Yours should be the very next table.
- Great.
- I'm starving.
- So am I.
- It's been hours since we ate.
Excuse me, little lady.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Mr Pellet! How were your winds today?
- Blowing.
- Did you have a nice sail?
- Fine.
There'll be five of us tonight.
Would you part the waves
and let my party through, please?
It's OK, it's OK!
Excuse me, weren't we next?
You are. Your table should be ready
very shortly, sir.
- What about the group that just went in?
- Mr Pellet had a reservation, so...
- I thought you don't take reservations.
- We don't, except for Mr Pellet.
I'm sure we'll have a table for you
any moment.
I see several of them are drinking
their coffee. Why not look at the menu?
I know what we're having. Lobster!
- Bravo.
- Bravo.
- I took care of everything. We're next.
- Thanks, sweetie.
Nobody tells me I can't sit.
Sit when I want to.
We're next. Sit next.
No need for those. What do you say,
let's all have the lobster.
Show us what you got.
And Stan, no arguments.
This dinner...
...is on you.
He thought
I was going to say on me! Huh?
Wait a minute...
Maybe they're just
taking them for a walk.
- Look at these beauties!
- Don't serve those.
- What?
- These are mine.
- Yours?
- You got my table, but not my lobsters.
This is your table?
My table!
I see.
This is your table.
- These are your lobsters.
- You got it.
I suppose this is your wife?
- Is this your tie?
- No.
Is this your shirt? Is this your belt?
Are these your shorts?
I've driven all day. We just get into town,
wait in line for two hours...
You just got into town?
Well, I've been in town for 30 years.
30 years! Every summer, you renters
think you can take over the town.
You can't!
- Boil them!
- Wait a minute, pal...
Now, we will have a table
for you in 20 minutes.
Forget it!
- We're going.
- Good idea.
- I'm hungry.
- I know, sweetheart.
You don't want to eat here.
I just found rats in the back.
- How disgusting!
- A whole nest of rats right in the back!
I apologise. The man was a slob.
- This is it?
- There's the Barnacle.
There's the boat. The guy at
the gas station said the food's great.
- It's the only place open.
- Well, it's got character.
And live entertainment.
I don't want any complaints.
Let's just sit down and enjoy ourselves.
- This place sucks!
- Where did you learn that?
- I told her never to say things "suck".
- Look!
- An ugly old pirate!
- Oh, really?
Where? Hello, me buccaneers.
Me name's Scully.
And what might your name be, me lass?
My name's Laurie,
and where's your hand?
You don't want to know.
- So, what's it going to be?
- Can you recommend something?
Scully's Catch-of-the-Day!
It's fresh grouper, slightly breaded,
sauteed to a golden brown,
and lemon butter, shallots...
...with a teasing hint of Dijon.
- We'll take five.
- Cortez!
- Si, senor?
- Cinco Scully's Catch-of-the-Day.
Cinco Scully's Catches-of-the-Day.
- Bon appetit.
- Thank you very much.
Isn't this nice? Listen to gas station
attendants. They know where to eat.
- What are you doing?
- Honey, it's OK.
It's just Noxzema. You were moaning
in your sleep about your sunburn.
- Why did you remind me? It hurts!
- Poor baby!
I'm not a baby.
Mummy, make it go away. It hurts.
- I hate the sun!
- I know.
- But I love this house.
- I know.
I love you.
- We should rent it every summer.
- OK, I'll talk to the guy in the morning.
- You smell so good.
- It's the Noxzema.
More on here.
- That's not burnt.
- I know!
Sandy, did you hear that?
Get up!
Archie, if that's you, I'll kill you.
Archie, what did you do?
What's going on?
Archie!
Somebody's at the door. See who it is.
Cover me.
- Freeze!
- No! Take what you want.
- Just don't harm the children.
- I won't.
Jack!
What is it?
- I'll handle this.
- Who are you?
The Three Bears! Who are you?
- Dan Gardner, the owner of this house.
- Well, look, Dan.
I don't know how many owners there are,
but I rented it from Elwin Haskell.
You rented... May I see your receipt?
You want to see my receipt?
- OK. Where's my receipt?
- On the table.
All right. What is this,
one of those time-sharing places?
Here it is, month of July,
Jack Chester, that's moi.
415 Beach Road, $2,000!
- 415 Beach Road.
- That's right.
This house is 415 Beach...
...Lane.
This must be yours.
Come in.
- You have wonderful closet space.
- It makes life so much easier.
When it comes to closet space...
- Come on, Arch.
- Come on, Arch.
Archie, come on!
OK, kids, upstairs. Let's go.
This should do it.
It's just kibble.
Do you have a vacuum cleaner?
That's enough!
Do you have a dustpan, maybe?
Leave that.
Good idea. You might have a visitor
this summer and they have a dog.
This is excellent. It's a nice little...
Come on, Archie, let's go. Come on.
Last time you ate a whole bag
you got sick. Come on, Arch.
Goodbye.
Have a nice summer.
I forgot my Noxzema.
Have a little patience, dear.
He does have a bad burn.
And my daughter.
- I wet my bed, Daddy.
- Sweetheart, you didn't wet your bed.
You wet their bed.
Flies! We got flies. They followed me
all the way from Atlanta.
Got you!
- Bananas?
- A little.
I called a plumber.
He might be here this afternoon.
The landlord should pay.
I can't reach him.
They say he's in intensive care.
Get out of here!
Pass the milk, please?
- Here.
- Thank you.
- What's that? What is it?
- Here we go.
Great!
What is this? What is this?
- You're in pyjamas.
- I know.
Excuse me, why are you people
going through here?
Oh, perfect!
Come on through.
I'm Joe Public, welcome to my beach.
I'm taking Laurie to nursery school.
I'll be at the beach later.
Daddy, wait.
I've got to get my stuff from the car.
Where do you think you're going?
This isn't a nude beach.
Who do you think you are? Lolita?
Hi!
Just move in? I'm Russ.
- Hi. Jennifer.
- This is Annie.
- That's one of those CPR dolls.
- I teach CPR.
- I'm known as Mr Mouth-to-Mouth.
- Jennifer, I got a great idea!
- We both take Laurie to nursery school?
- Not today, Dad.
- No?
- I thought you'd left.
Laurie, you forgot your lunch.
I have those muffins you like.
- Should she be talking to him?
- Why not?
Are you crazy? He's a lifeguard!
They're all sex maniacs.
Each of his gonads is screaming,
"Me first!"
Ain't nothing to worry about.
I'm going to be around her.
- See you later, honey.
- OK, ladies, let's go! It's late!
- Take a bow!
- Jack off!
Great. We live next door to lifeguards.
A whole gaggle of them.
Well, I guess I won't drown.
Mom, they whistled at us. Don't look!
See that one on the left? He was cute!
- We should have brought shoes.
- I can't walk any more.
- My feet are burnt.
- Just hop, honey, just hop.
Come on up on Daddy's shoulders.
There you go! There's my girl.
Hold on.
Boy! Here we go.
Just got to find Mommy now.
Excuse me.
- Jeez, I'm sorry. Really.
- That was my hand, mister!
Sorry about that.
It's just sand, it's fine.
It's this darn cooler.
The thing broke off again.
- I'm waiting for a part from Minneapolis.
- My camera! Lift up your foot! My lens!
The sand!
If there's any damage,
send the bill to 415 Beach Lane, OK?
Damn right!
- You big bozo!
- That's my lunch!
- Watch it, that's my hat!
- Hey, honky!
Sorry! Just iced water. Just iced water.
- What are you doing?
- You should've covered it.
No! Watch it!
You shouldn't cook on the beach.
It's illegal. I think. Sandy?
Didn't you hear me calling?
I've been all over.
OK, sweetheart, get down.
Am I glad to be here!
I'm glad, too. Bobby wanted this
blowing up. Can you finish it?
Yeah, I'm breathing out anyway.
What the heck.
Thank you.
- How was nursery school?
- It was great. She graduated.
- What?
- Yeah, Mother Goose retired.
What a shame! We'll find other things
to do. Want to build a sandcastle?
Hey, Sandy.
- Yeah?
- What's Jennifer doing up there?
- She's talking with a new friend.
- Is that something we want?
They're just talking.
That's how she got here, remember?
Dad!
Here, ace, here's your raft.
I don't want it now.
I want to play Frisbee. Here, catch!
Oh, say, can you see...
- Bobby, throw long.
- Go!
Nice one!
Albert, you octopus!
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Your wife's on my Whammo.
- Get out of here!
- Sure. You can have that if you want.
When you're done with it, I'm at 415
Beach Lane. Beach Road! Carry on!
- 14-13.
- We're next, Dad.
Relax. Control's the thing.
- I know.
- If you get in trouble, pass it to me.
Your hands and my height,
we'll destroy them!
- Are you ready, mister?
- Yeah, we're ready. Let's go!
- Let's go! Let's eat them up!
- Go, team!
Best 2 out of 3?
You're being too hard on yourself.
You haven't played volleyball for years.
Yeah? Why don't you tell that to Bobby?
I embarrassed him for life. Right now,
he's wishing you were a widow.
Have a grape.
I think your blood sugar's low.
That's it! How could I be so stupid?
Of course!
I'm a sailor.
I'm a great sailor!
I'll take my son sailing!
- Excuse me, you rent sailboats here?
- We sure do.
All right!
We want to take a look at them.
They're all rented for the next two weeks.
Everyone's practising for the regatta.
I want to teach my son to sail.
Is there another place we can rent one?
There's one.
Maties, which boat will it be?
Tough choice, isn't it?
What about a big one like this?
- Without the crud on it.
- Young 'un, it's crustaceous morticus.
Pejoratively referred to as barnacle.
She was a fast lady in her day.
I'm sure. We'll take the 12-footer here.
That's a fine choice.
You're your own ballast in that vessel.
That's good. Puts a little sport into it.
Come on. Here we go.
- Ready to cast off?
- You bet!
You get a free lesson with each rental.
Yorku, I'll take them out.
- Watch the bar.
- It's OK. I already know how to sail.
Ready, son? Here we go! All right!
Hey, I got it going!
- All right!
- Here we go!
Bye!
Pull this rope, the sail comes
towards you, and you're sailing.
- Dad, there's a boat in front of us!
- I see it! It's OK. Let's make a turn.
- Sharp turn we're making!
- Yeah!
- Hey, we made it. Were you scared?
- Not me!
You should have been. I was.
I was a little scared there.
- Where did you learn how to sail?
- Camp Weehorn. They had a big lake.
- Hey, Dad, there's the Incisor.
- Yeah. Isn't she a beauty?
- Let's go closer!
- OK, Captain.
- Here we go!
- All right!
That sure is a gorgeous boat, isn't it?
Too bad a big fart like that owns it.
Yeah, the big fart!
Watch your language.
Where do you learn that?
Veer off to starboard, Al.
That skiff looks close.
No, we got the right of way.
Let him move.
Watch out, Dad!
We're heading straight toward him!
The smaller craft has the right of way.
- I don't think he has those rules! Turn!
- What are you doing?
My knee!
- Is it your bad one, Dad?
- Yes, yes!
Idiot! You put a hole in my boat!
It's you, again! You hit my boat!
You put a hole in my boat!
- Why didn't you give way?
- Are you telling me how to sail?
I was on a starboard tack.
I had the right of way! You city rat!
I got a kid in the boat!
You should've moved!
Big fart!
I'm going to get you for this, renter!
I'm going to get you!
- You're finished!
- He's not! Tell him, Dad!
No point. Shit for brains!
He put a hole in my boat! Look at it!
Give me a hand with the hole here!
- You're not hungry?
- I'm not anything.
The doctor said you'd only be
off your feet two days.
- There are things we can do.
- Like what?
- Well... Free tonight, sailor?
- I don't want your pity.
Take what you can get.
Going once... twice...
I'll take it.
Now, Monty Ewing, the rookie with
a chance to make his name on the tour.
- He has a 32-foot putt for the birdie.
- This green has taxed the pros today.
There's the touch!
There's the roll! And oh, my!
Look at that! He's got that birdie.
Unbelievable, Dick.
Take a look at it again in slow motion.
Look at this, Bill.
Ever so gentle.
Hurry up, come on!
We are always late. Let's go!
Let's get in. Go on, Ma.
Mom, it's about to start!
OK! Sit here for a second, sweetie.
Oh, no! I can't believe it.
I forgot my wallet. I can't believe it.
We'll miss the beginning!
Shit! Shoot, I mean!
- Shoot!
- Excuse me.
- Take their tickets out of this.
- No, I can't let you do that.
- Please, it'll be my pleasure.
- Mom, let him!
- OK, if you'll let us pay you back.
- OK. Four adults and two kids.
- I'm Don Moore. This is my son, Gregg.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm Sandy Chester.
This is Laurie, Jennifer and Bobby.
Hi. Let's go.
- Yeah!
- Popcorn, popcorn!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you listening to?
- WHAM 104.
Hey!
- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks.
Don Gufferson now,
his first shot at 17.
Looks like it could be
the longest of the foursome.
All right!
Come in, Arch.
Oh! Couldn't you do that outside?
What do you want?
Your bone. You get it.
Well, go get it!
OK, I will!
Jeez, God! I thought the dog
was the one supposed to go fetch.
Archie! Archie!
Open it! Open this damn door!
Get out of my chair! Go on, get out!
Out of my popcorn, you dirty...
Sure! For you, the TV clears up!
He missed that!
Jeez! Archie! Archie!
If I get in there, you're a rug!
Breakfast with the family.
Dad, get dressed.
We're going out in a speedboat today!
- Yeah?
- Don just called.
The guy who lent us money. He invited
us out on his cabin cruiser. Feel like it?
- No, not today.
- We can find something else to do.
- No, you should go.
- Sure?
I'm sure. Of course, I'm sure.
I got lots to do today.
- I'm changing the air in my splint.
- OK.
- We're going out with Don and Gregg!
- We're going out with Don and Gregg!
- Is his wife nice?
- She's in Ohio with a guy.
Don got a divorce last year.
Have a lovely day, darling! I love you!
Love you, too!
So, how is everybody? Good.
You look good. You do.
Want an orange? A juice or something?
At 105 degrees, climbing to 110,
it's a record for this date.
Bobby, you're doing great!
You're so good at this! All right, Bobby!
Way to go, Bob!
Hi!
- Oh, what a shame!
- Leave it.
- Sorry.
- You did nothing.
- I've been waiting to meet you.
- Really?
- I'm your neighbour, Vicki Sanders.
- Jack Chester.
I just made some fresh lemonade.
Why not come over and have some?
Oh, no.
- Oh, come on!
- I wouldn't want to impose.
Impose! What are neighbours for?
Come on!
- Really?
- What happened to your leg?
Boating accident.
- Does it hurt?
- I suppose it would if I let it.
I wanted to be a pilot,
but with a family and responsibilities,
I became a controller instead.
You know,
you and I have so much in common.
I wanted to be a stewardess, but Ed
didn't want me away. So I do electrolysis.
Hello?
Anybody home?
- It looks like nobody's here.
- Mom, I have to go real bad!
Go on, but hurry up.
- And don't sit on the seat!
- Excuse me.
I hate to bother you, I'm dying of thirst.
Could I get a glass of water?
- Help yourself.
- Thanks a million.
Hello.
You have good vision?
You have to in your business, right?
- It helps.
- And you're very observant, I can tell.
Can I have an honest opinion?
What do you think of these?
Well, what do you think?
About what?
- These!
- Oh, those!
Yeah. How do they look?
Similar?
No, I mean, do they look good?
I just got them.
Who had them before you?
Nobody, silly!
I just recently had them enlarged.
Oh, I see.
They cost $2,000!
- It was these or a chain-saw for Ed.
- Good choice.
Think so?
I'd take those over a power tool any day.
Do they look like real breasts to you?
You fooled me!
- You don't think they're too big?
- No! No, no.
- Is that Ed?
- Yeah, he's waking up.
Ah! You'll excuse me, I'm a dead man!
Oh, great!
The husband's coming and I blow a leg!
Again?
Put your top on!
- I'm sorry! I didn't see anything, I swear!
- He's our neighbour!
- I'm just renting.
- Sorry, mister.
- She's boring the whole world with them.
- Be quiet, Ed. I just want his opinion.
She's insecure. Last night,
she showed them to a clerk at 7-Eleven.
Relax! They're beautiful.
They look right and feel right.
- Yeah.
- Try them and tell her they feel right?
As a favour to me?
Oh, yeah! Boy, those are so lifelike,
it's ridiculous!
Honey, everybody likes them. Thanks.
- I owe you one.
- What are neighbours for? I've got to go.
- I gave up a power tool for those.
- Christmas is right around the corner.
- $2,000 a set?
- For both.
That's a deal! They're fun for
the whole family. I've got to tell my wife.
We'll give you the doctor's number.
Take care.
Bye!
Cut that out! Get out of here!
That's our bike! Get off my bike!
- Who's got the cheese omelette?
- Right here!
- You got it. How do you like it?
- Fluffy.
Watch it, Fats!
- Are you going to be long?
- Wait, this is important...
...I have to have those pants.
I only have two pairs here,
but 50 per cent of the pant...
Get out!
Party's over! Get out of my house!
Get out of my house!
Get out, get out!
Get off the phone!
- I'll call you back!
- Get off the phone! Out!
Jesus!
You, out!
Bug off, buddy. I was here first.
- Get the hell out of here now.
- You go. I'm trying to watch The Smurfs.
Trying to watch The Smurfs?
See the one where Papa Smurf smashed
the shit out of a guy with a red hat?
You want to see that one?
Archie, you stink!
Traitor!
Morning, Colonel.
Good to see you. What can I get you?
How about drunk?
We can handle that.
Thank you.
You have an ice cube for this?
You're wrong! You're wrong!
I've tried to tell you that,
as a fighter, pound for pound,
my boy, Jimmy Cagney,
will disintegrate your Sylvester Stallone!
- He'll knock his block off!
- In a street fight, maybe.
I give you that. But not in a movie!
Especially with today's cinemanatic
progress. It's technologically impossible!
- Do you have any more oyster crackers?
- You ate them all!
They were so good. I'll have another
beer. They're filling, aren't they?
Mas cerveza!
Yeah, it's probably better for me.
Good shot.
OK, count them up.
- Who threw this one?
- Blue, that's you.
- All right, I win.
- Big winner there, Scull-man!
I love you, Scully. I mean that.
It's not the booze talking, either.
Sorry I wrecked your boat.
Let me pay for it.
She's fine. It'll give her more character.
I'm at fault for not giving you that lesson.
You're not at fault. I am! I'm the one
who said I could sail. I can't sail.
I don't know... I used to sail
when I was a kid, but I can't sail.
Do you know what it's like to peak
when you're 18 years old?
Yes, I do.
Would you like to learn to sail?
Really to sail?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I call this craft Shotzie.
It's nicknamed for my sweetheart.
We name vessels after women to remind
us to treat them gently, like ladies.
Otherwise,
they won't respond like ladies.
Remember, always gentle on the tiller.
You understand that?
Yeah, I...
Oyster crackers.
Good, that should be the last of it.
- Can we go home now?
- You said you wanted to be a sailor.
So, we're going to stay out here
until you become one.
This is the life.
There's nothing like the sea to lift your
spirits and put a song in your heart.
I know.
You must know a lot of ocean songs.
I do.
Here's a sea ditty me mother taught me.
Love
Exciting and new
Come aboard
We're expecting you
And love
Life's sweetest reward
Let it flow
lt'll float back to you
The Love Boat
Soon will be making another run
The Love Boat...
Jack?
Jack!
That's cute.
Are you going to sleep all day?
I guess you are.
We'll be home early!
I'm up.
I'm up. I'm up.
It's still dark.
Oh, I'll feel that in the morning!
- Hi.
- Buenos dias.
Where's Scully?
- Thanks. Scully!
- Over here!
- He's over there.
- That's what I says.
- You know what to do.
- When I'm ready, I say, "Jibe ho."
- That's right. Prepare to jibe. Jibe ho.
- Jibe ho!
- What happened? I yelled jibe ho.
- You say jibe ho, then you jibe!
- I don't know what to say. Sorry.
- Why not say you'll pick me up?
I'm... Yeah, right... Let me tack...
Hey, why don't you swim to me?
Can you tread water with that hook?
- Does your head hurt?
- Yes, it does.
- It was my fault, wasn't it?
- Oh, yes.
- I guess I'm not much of a sailor, am I?
- No, you're not.
But you will be.
When I get through with you,
you'll be as good a sailor as I ever was.
Maybe better.
Do you want more ice?
I got the lotion and your towel.
Please, let's hurry.
- OK.
- Bye, Dad.
Bye. What, no kiss?
Look, I'll make you a deal.
If your leg starts to hurt, I'll carry you.
- Bye!
- Bye! I don't want to push it, you know.
Besides, I just wanted to sit around
and kill some flies.
- Honey, do you want to have a talk?
- No.
- This was for you. You're not having fun.
- Are you having fun?
- I'm having lots of fun.
- If you're having fun, I'm having fun.
And, in a couple of days,
we'll all be having fun together.
- I'm off to have today's fun.
- Great!
Got him!
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Perfect day for sailing.
- We're not sailing today.
We're going dancing.
- Know what your trouble is?
- I have to lose a few pounds.
You're an air controller. If you think you'll
control the sea like a 747, I fear for you.
The sea is a wondrous,
mysterious, dangerous lady.
She'll make you rich
or feed you to the fishes.
You can't control her.
You've got to give yourself to her.
She wants you to dance, sonny boy.
You got to follow her lead.
- Didn't I see that on your restroom wall?
- Yes!
As true today as when I hung it there.
Hoist the mainsail.
Roger!
The apparent wind and the true wind
are different. Watch the telltales!
That's right, bring her about.
Take your time, boy! She's a lady.
Give me a chance to get the jib
through the foresail.
No, don't pinch.
The beam reach is your fastest line.
- So keep your sails full.
- Hard to lee!
- How's that?
- Fine.
You can release your sheet
a little faster, you know.
- All right.
- How's this?
Ah, that's fine. Ah, nice!
All secure.
Here, a graduation pin. A hook
of your own from Scully's sailing school.
- You're a sailor now.
- Thank you very much. I appreciate this.
You didn't have to do this.
- It's real.
- Aye.
This is great. I'm bleeding.
Is that how you lost your hand?
- Aye, sure.
- Thanks a lot.
Gregg told me about this island
with excellent shells. Can we go?
- Sounds good to me. Jack?
- No.
- Why not?
- Why not what?
Weren't you listening?
It's like you don't even hear us now.
- Don't say that. I hear you.
- What did I just say?
- You said I don't hear or listen to you.
- Dad, it's for you.
See? I heard that!
Don't tell me I don't listen to you!
- You and Scully, what do you do all day?
- Dance.
Hello.
Yes, it is.
Oh, right, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.
Sure. Where?
OK.
All right, I'll be right there.
OK, fine. Bye.
- What's up?
- Our landlord just got out of hospital.
- Oh, good.
- I'm going in to straighten out our rent.
Jack, glad you could make it.
I hate to do business here.
The new owner knew the principals
would be here to wrap it up.
No problem.
Sorry, I thought I was going to your
office. I didn't know. I feel like an idiot.
Your brother was a great man, Floyd.
A beacon to us all.
He'll be sorely, sorely missed.
And now, I'll sign the papers.
Could I have a little room here, please?
Mr Pellet, this is Jack Chester,
the tenant.
Well, well, well, renter.
It looks like you're my renter now.
Well, I guess... this goes to you, then.
That's for the last two weeks' rent.
Thank you.
I'd just like to say, it's a terrific place.
My family's having a great time.
It's the best money I ever spent.
- Really?
- Yeah!
Why are you doing that?
I wouldn't take this cheque from you
if my children were starving.
I want you and your family
out by Saturday midnight,
or I'm going to toss you out personally.
I told you I'd get you.
I'd have given you any amount
you wanted for that house!
And that's the best money I ever spent.
So that's it?
We have to go home in four days?
We can't! I have a date with Gregg
to go to the regatta!
I have got a date for the regatta, too.
Shut up! Stop saying everything I say!
- I'm not leaving! I don't care!
- I'm not leaving! I don't care!
There he is, Captain Al Pellet.
You shouldn't have rammed him,
but sunk the bastard!
He tried to buy me out once.
When it didn't work, he got tough.
Tried to deport Cortez.
- Canalla!
- Called the Barnacle a garbage scow!
All right, all right, hard to lee!
He's a squid stick!
A squeeze dick! You say!
...he was about a half a length ahead.
He looks over, he sees me.
He gets so frustrated, he misses...
Pellet!
Hey, landlord!
Amazing! I thought they were extinct.
I could swear that's the call
of the red-beaked,
seersuckered, summer renter.
And it is.
Why aren't you packing?
You took away my family's vacation.
I'm going to take something from you.
- What can you take from me?
- That!
- What? My cup?
- Yeah!
- You think you can out-sail me?
- Yes!
You couldn't beat my dinghy.
- Really?
- Really.
- You want to bet?
- What are you going to bet? What?
Popcorn?
Lobsters?
$1,000! The last two weeks' rent.
You win, keep the cheque, we go home.
I win, I keep the cheque,
we stay here two weeks rent-free.
Do we have a bet?
Know something, Dumbo?
You're even stupider than you look.
So, if I win, we get to stay here two
more weeks for free! What do you think?
I'll start packing.
Jack, just suppose there was
the slightest possibility you could win.
There's a pivotal point that escapes me.
You don't have a boat.
- A-ha! Yes, I do!
- You do?
Yes, the Barnacle.
- The Barnacle?
- Yes!
Dad...
...you're going to sail a fish restaurant?
Well, what do you make of my girl?
That's easy for you to say.
But what do we do about it, Angus?
In layman's terms, how bad is she?
- She's a total pig!
- Thank you!
- You're telling me my girl won't sail?
- Now, hold your wind!
I've not said that!
She'll sail, but it'll take work.
And a good bit of luck, too,
to find the right sail to fit her mast.
What?
He's saying that we'll make our own luck,
you dumb Swede.
Where's Angus with that sail?
There's only two shopping days left.
He's combing the entire coast for it.
He'll find it.
- How can you be so sure?
- If he don't, I'll kill him!
This is too slow. What I need for this
is a power-saw attachment.
Yeah, right.
How many more?
- Keep cutting.
- What are they for?
I really don't know,
but we need a lot of them!
So, you were a sailor, Mr Scully!
Yeah, that's right.
- You must have good vision.
- Aye.
They're perfect! Tell her they're perfect!
They're perfect!
- What are you doing?
- Taking a dirty picture.
It's the filthiest version of you
I've ever seen.
- What's with Frances Farmer?
- There's an outbreak of depression here.
- How about you?
- I'm hiding it.
- I've kept your dinner waiting.
- I'll be back in a couple of minutes.
And he's so nice.
And Gregg's so funny.
His teacher asked what happens
after the sperm meets the egg.
And Gregg goes,
"You smoke a cigarette."
You're still a non-smoker, aren't you?
- Daddy!
- Just being a dad, that's all.
- How's the boat coming?
- It's coming. A little slow.
- Not good, huh?
- Could be better.
- Can't win them all.
- But you'd like to win one, wouldn't you?
One would be nice.
- Here it is. Dry rot.
- I got a thing for that here.
Let's go and check the port.
- I'll be right with you.
- Right, coming.
- Hey, Dad!
- Hi. What's the matter?
We've made a decision.
About what?
We want to help you fix the Barnacle.
We thought we'd give you a hand.
Is it all right?
Yeah. Come aboard.
All right!
- Hey, Dad.
- What?
This could be the one.
Thanks.
My kids. You knew that already though.
Of course you would.
God's blood!
Don't tell me that you can't find a sail!
So, go to Tampa, then!
- You dumb Swede!
- Nae dumb Swede, a dumb Scot!
Same thing.
Honey!
Can you come up here a minute?
Yeah?
Painted yourself in a corner?
- How do I get out?
- I don't know. I did it, too. Damn!
I'd like to propose a toast.
To my new friends.
And to my best friends, the Chesters.
And to the Barnacle, for all this fun.
We've already won.
- Cheers!
- All right!
Would the crew of the Barnacle
please raise your drinks?
Is something wrong with your arms?
Raise your drinks!
You mean, we're crew?
We can race with you?
- What did I say?
- Excellent!
And we'll win! Right, Admiral?
Aye! It's going to be a hell of a victory.
We'll have won it without a sail!
Why? Where's Angus?
Last I heard, Savannah.
Hi, man, I need a grand sally,
50-foot high she be!
- No.
- I'll never find her by tomorrow!
- That better be the new jenny you have!
- Yes, it is.
Tuck your shirt in, Floyd!
- Be of good cheer, Angus is here!
- Angus!
Welcome to the Twelfth Annual
Citrus Cove Regatta.
Again, we have some
of the best skippers in Florida.
The boat to beat, as ever, is the Incisor,
skippered by Citrus Cove's Al Pellet,
winner of this event
for the last seven consecutive years.
As they ready for the start,
we wish them all luck.
So, he didn't show up. He's still going
to cough up that dough.
- Well, we've got a late arrival.
- They just made it.
- It hasn't started yet!
- We made it.
- We haven't made nothing yet.
- I know.
Number two-eight-two-seven.
The Barnacle?
Ain't that a restaurant?
Look!
Look there! It's Captain Blackhawk
and the SS Moveable Feast!
Don't worry, we'll have the last laugh.
There's Gregg and Don! Gregg!
- I think we have a start.
- Give them the gun!
- The boat feels different.
- What's different?
- Twice as big as I'm used to.
- She don't know that.
- Just follow her lead.
- It's their lead I'm worried about.
You're worried, are you?
Good, that's the proper attitude.
- It's a long race. We'll catch them.
- I hope so.
Ease off on the jib a bit.
- Aye, I heard him.
- Sorry.
- Can I play in the basement with Yorku?
- If it's OK with Yorku.
- It's OK. I play.
- I'll be right here if you need me.
I'm going to head up a little higher.
- Head her up a bit higher.
- Heading up a bit higher.
All right!
- Look sharp.
- Coming about.
Hard to lee. We don't want to blow it
at the first marker.
All right, cleat it! Cleat it!
Do up the jib halyard!
- Prepare to come about.
- Prepare to come about!
Look smart on the forward deck.
Hard to lee. Coming about!
- Turn her back wind.
- Jennifer, walk that jib across.
Aye, aye, Dad!
- Trim the other jib.
- Not the jib!
- Mainsail's too tight.
- Ease off on the main.
- Yorku, you're so pretty.
- Your baby's a beauty.
- We be set, Captain.
- That's good.
- Jack!
- Yeah.
Take off your hat and wave.
- Steady on the helm!
- Keep your hand on the wheel!
- Sorry. I got it, though.
- Thanks.
- Have we fetched the second marker?
- Not yet. Damn! They're losing us!
Prepare to jibe!
Check that turtle! Jibe ho! All right,
let's get it down, Floyd, let's get it down!
Prepare for the downwind run!
Cortez, drop the jib!
Hoist the spinnaker after the marker.
Hoist, damn it! Move, move!
Get up there!
Trim the backsail! Come on, hustle!
Ease the after guy a little!
All right, everybody, this is it,
the run for the money! Prepare to jibe!
Jibe ho!
Ease the pole forward 3 inches.
Take the bearing on that last craft.
- How are we doing, Dad?
- We're OK!
We're not closing.
Jack, you've done beautifully, but this
old girl ain't got nothing else to give us.
- You think we're going to win?
- Yeah.
- What you got there?
- It's good. Scully's Catches-of-the-Day.
- You want some?
- No.
- Where did you get it?
- From the freezer.
Didn't I tell you, "Removar
all the food and the freezer?"
I think you says to me,
"Don't move the food and the freezer!"
Thank God for my bad Spanish!
- Everything out!
- We got hundreds of pounds of ballast!
- We're still in this!
- Kids, help with the garbage!
Let's go!
This old girl's got
the straight-away power.
- Run the bastards down!
- We get the squeeze dick!
- You're doing great, Dad!
- Now she's on her line!
I can feel her! Right, Pellet,
I'm coming to get you! Out of my way!
- Eat our waves!
- We're catching up on the big fart!
- Watch your language!
- The kid's right. He is a fart.
- They look very natural.
- Vicki!
He's a judge! I value his opinion.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Come on!
- We'll show people in the stands!
- Word from the Committee Boat.
The Barnacle's gaining.
Slug up the foreguy.
- Damn!
- What's going on? What's happening?
- The bastard stole our wind!
- They can't do that, can they?
- They've done it!
- Can we use the engine to catch him?
- No.
- I know.
Falling off. Stand by to trim.
Aye.
- What the hell are you doing, Jack?
- See that plane? It's in a microburst.
A low-altitude funnel gunnel. I've seen it
at the airport a hundred times.
All right, go for it, boy!
Here it comes.
Here we go!
Trim her in!
- Can't you see we're in a funnel gunnel?
- Ah, you lovely sally!
- We're going so fast!
- We're gaining.
- Where are they getting that wind from?
- Dad, we're closing in!
- You're doing great, Dad!
- I want a picture of Pellet as you pass.
Make two copies for me.
We're closing on the scurvy bastard!
Hold her steady!
Trim the main! They're gaining!
Trim it when I tell you, trim it!
- Come on, Dad, we're going to beat him!
- Attaway, Dad!
Faster, Dad!
We're gaining on him!
- How do we get more speed?
- We can't. We need more sail.
Aye. Damn! With two more yards of sail
we could have made it!
Scully, take the wheel!
At this moment, the Barnacle appears
to be a real threat to the Incisor!
Are we in a wind pocket?
Is it the funnel? Come on!
I told you this boat could fly!
We can beat them!
Here's the finish line!
- Floor it!
- Go, Dad, go!
What is it? What, are we dragging
something? What is it?
Come on, Dad!
We're so close! Keep it up, Dad!
Pants! Al!
He's flying his pants, Al!
Barnacle, captained by Jack Chester,
is the winner!
We did it!
Pants? I got beat
by a restaurant wearing pants!
- Trousers? Is that legal?
- I don't know if it's legal, but I like it!
We did it!
I did not hear that horn!
- Daddy, did you win?
- We won, baby! Your daddy won!
- Yorku, Daddy won!
- Wonderful!