1
I'll save you.
- Did I get anything yesterday?
- Oh...
Let me guess,
Al-Qaeda oven mitts.
Rudy Giuliani placemats.
"Tuesday, September 11th, 2001,
dawned temp...
temper... temperate,
and nearly cloudless..."
On September 11th, 2001,
it was dawned...
temperate and nearly cloudless
in the eastern United States.
Honey, you didn't see Bob at
the casino last night, did you?
Temperate and nearly cloudless.
- Okay.
- And nearly cloudless.
Don't forget we're going
to the Golden Corral tonight
to celebrate, okay?
Let's see if we can make it this year.
I put cookies in your bag
in case you get hungry on the bus.
Look good?
Looks good.
On September 11th, 2001,
it was dawned temperate
and nearly cloudless
in the eastern United States.
September 11th, 2001.
The names of the dead
were read at ground zero this morning
on the third anniversary
of the attack on our nation...
Well, hello, Mr. Chipley.
Ned Chipley to see
Master Sergeant Foutz, ma'am.
Oh, Master Sergeant Foutz
is no longer with this office.
He was reassigned.
Do you wanna talk
to Staff Sergeant Kendrick?
Thank you, ma'am.
Sir?
Yes, can you come back
to the front office, please?
Thank you.
He'll be right with you.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- You are welcome.
Ned Chipley reporting for duty, sir.
Easy there, soldier.
What can we do you for?
Sir, I'm tired of these terrorists.
And I'm ready to be a member...
Member of the most elite fighting force
in the world...
sir!
All right, let's talk in Jenkins's office,
shall we?
Yes, thank you, sir.
May I keep this, sir?
If you stop saying "sir,"
you can take whatever you like.
Just relax.
I'm just gonna ask you
some routine questions.
You can take a seat.
Okay.
Did you get my letters, sir?
Your letters?
My training progress,
I sent them to Master Sergeant Foutz.
Well, Master Sergeant Jenkins
just replaced Foutz...
so I don't know anything
about any training letters.
Hm.
We have to get Bin Laden, sir.
We're working on that, son.
Seriously, you don't need
to keep saying "sir."
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not claustrophobic and I know
how to build a fire and find water.
I've studied survival techniques.
I've been sleeping on the floor
so I can have field readiness.
I've also read the 9/11 commission report.
Is there any medical conditions
we should know about, Chipley?
But I felt like I needed
to improve my physical fitness.
And as you can see, I have done that
by doing the Marine workout,
and through mixed martial arts training
and Jeet Kune Do.
Bruce Lee did Jeet Kune Do.
Master Sergeant Foutz
knows all about this.
Do you know where he is, sir?
I do not.
Can we call him?
Look, it seems like you've put
a lot of time and effort
- into your preparation, so...
- Yes, sir.
If you could just fill this out for me...
- and I will be right back.
- Thank you, sir.
Temperate and nearly cloudless, sir.
What's in the case, soldier?
Chips Ahoy, sir.
Chips Ahoy cookies.
Full body improvement, check.
Jeet Kune Do, check.
Afghanistan, check.
Bin Laden, check.
- This is Master Sergeant Jenkins.
- Ned Chipley reporting for duty, sir.
At ease, son.
Sir, I'm ready.
Ready to be a member of the most
elite fighting force in the world.
And I hate terrorists.
You the young man writing
all those letters to Foutz, son?
Yes, sir. Master Sergeant Foutz.
Hm.
Okay, good.
We got your name and social.
Yes, sir.
This is my fourth attempt to enlist.
Excellent.
I'll tell you what, partner.
We'll run these through
the appropriate channels,
something comes up,
we'll call you first thing.
No, I mean...
I wanna join up right now.
I wanna prove my heroism.
I don't think we can help right now.
Sir, I've made improvements.
Now, hold on a minute.
Just... Wait, hold on a second.
See?
- Ned...
- I put on 15 pounds of muscle mass.
- Son...
- I can do 60 push-ups without stopping
and 100 if you give me
a 30-second break.
I can run six miles in 42 minutes.
- Ned...
- I watch all of Randy Couture's fights.
- I can mix martial arts.
- Now, son...
- That's not how it works.
- Please, sir.
I will go to the caves.
- Okay.
- I will leave no man behind.
Son, please put your shirt back on.
I can do 100 push-ups.
- Forget the break.
- Now, hold on now.
- And, one, two...
- Ned.
- ...three, four...
- Ned.
- ...five...
- Hold on, son.
...six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
11, 12, 13, 14,
15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20...
Now, son, get up
and put your shirt back on.
...21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26,
27, 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, 33, 34, 35...
Ned, come on, honey!
Golden Coral, it's your night.
We're gonna have fun.
Let's go!
I don't suppose you've seen him.
No.
He's probably down there
sulking in the cougar suit.
- Same as when they canned him from the hospital.
- There were a lot of cutbacks that year.
Same as when they found
that girl in the lake.
The Andersons were very
grateful for his help.
Same as when he was
the mascot in the first place.
Ned! Oh, my God. - He was gonna score.
- Please, wait.
That's my son. He's not dangerous.
Please let him go.
- Sorry, Mom, he was gonna score.
- Sweetheart, are you all right?
Mom, I got him.
- He just wants to help.
- That's not the point.
I don't know why you let him
chase these pipe dreams, Rose.
The Marine Corps?
He's been going down there
every year since 9/11,
and every year
the same thing happens,
and you're always surprised
when we have to cancel
the kid's birthday dinner.
I mean, they kicked him out
of a volunteer fire department,
for God's sake.
When is enough, enough?
Well, it's not like
you're any help either,
watching those movies
with him every single night.
No one in their right mind
would watch The Deer Hunter
and want to enlist!
Really?
You know what I mean.
Don't worry about it.
The kid's a rubber ball.
Is there a possibility we could watch
something else, just for a change?
- How about Platoon?
- Yeah, well, that's...
Okay, forget it.
I can give you a lift to work,
if you want?
Thought I'd run and see Jojo,
you know, see how he's doing.
I might have to borrow
some gas money though.
Don't tell your mother.
Time to roll, Bobby De Niro.
What did I tell you, Ned?
Don't talk to the customers.
I've been getting a couple complaints.
I was close.
Security, your little friend is back.
All right, I'm leaving, Sameer. I'm leaving.
Back off! I said I'm leaving.
Back off! I said I'm leaving.
Excuse me!
Hey!
Hey, looks like my ride split.
Any chance I can get a lift with you?
You gotta get some new material, honey.
You told me that last week.
Well, what can I say? People leave.
- Come on, the night is young.
- And so are you.
I'll give you this though,
you are a good-looking
little son of a bitch.
But I can't.
I gotta get home to my old lady.
Well, I don't see no ring.
We're old school.
We don't need rings.
Shit, everybody needs a ring.
Have a good one.
Hey, Tally.
Hey, Lyle.
So, um... your boy, Ray, he split.
He said he was hitting up Big Bear
or something.
He's gone?
Yeah.
Whatever.
I wasn't with him anyway.
You was already behind,
so I had to padlock you.
I'm sorry. It's just that I got people
I gotta answer to is all.
'Course, we might could
work something out.
I don't know.
Didn't go to the casino last night?
I told you, I'm done with that place.
Little early for a beer then.
I have been working all night.
It's not the same thing.
- Does it relax you?
- Yes.
Then it's the same thing.
Why don't you give this section a whirl?
Jesus Christ, Rose,
how many times have we been...
Do you think I like
sitting around here all day?
They told me I can't work
or we're gonna lose that settlement.
Somebody takes a picture of me
doing something physical,
we lose the lawsuit.
Well, you at least ought to try
and sell the truck then.
It's been almost a year already.
- Speaking of settlements...
- Nope. Forget it.
That is his.
He's the one that suffered, not you.
- Short-term loan.
- No.
Jerry says they're gonna settle any day.
We'd give him the money right back.
No.
You never should've taught him
how to use eBay.
Ned, I'm in the truck
if you want a ride to work.
...was the greatest failure
by the United States
in the war against Al-Qaeda.
The latest video of Osama Bin Laden
surfaced today
with the Al-Qaeda leader claiming
his organization is alive and well,
and will continue to target Americans
both abroad and on their own soil.
Quote, "We must eliminate the cross.
The bearer of the cross is America.
We will blow you up
and finish you off," end quote.
According to the Washington Post,
the US...
I miss it more than I can say, brother.
I'm dying a slow death out here.
Hey, man, I hear you,
but it's worth it.
We're gonna win this thing.
Listen, I gotta split.
I'll keep you posted on the lawsuit.
Say hi to Brains for me, okay?
- Ten-four.
- Roger that.
Hey, welcome back, Ned.
America is the bearer of the cross.
I know it.
Al-Qaeda is alive and well, Bob.
They have to let me help.
You ought to take Paul Delgado's place.
His mom's always going on about
how he wants to come home
from Afghanistan.
Who wants to come home
from Afghanistan?
Paul Delgado.
Two houses down.
You walk his dog, Ned.
Waffles.
A little fluffy white dog
about this big.
Waffles.
Spell Delgado for me.
We'll see, yeah. Delgado.
Here you go.
- Thank you, Bob.
- No problem.
That might not have been a good idea.
Hi, Ned.
I'd like to talk about your son,
Paul Delgado?
I'd also like a picture of him, please.
Hello, Waffles.
You know, all these years,
we've never really been anywhere.
- Lake Hav...
- Don't say Lake Havasu.
Well, when you spend your life
on the road,
you know, the last thing
you wanna do with your downtime is travel.
I have lived here my entire life.
I never thought that would happen.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I mean, travel's overrated.
One place,
pretty much the same as another.
Yeah. That doesn't sound right.
Where's my shake?
Al-Qaeda.
Thank you, Bob.
I'll get it for you, honey.
You got a good sweat going there.
It's hot.
Ned Chipley to see
Master Sergeant Foutz, ma'am.
I... I told you, Master Sergeant Foutz
was reassigned to a different office.
- Staff Sergeant Kendrick?
- He's not here today.
- Master Sergeant Jenkins?
- He's unavailable right now.
I am not sure when his schedule
is gonna open up.
That's okay. I'm off work today.
Oh. Okay.
Why don't you take a seat, Ned?
Thank you, ma'am.
Do you need some food
or water or something?
I need very little food or water.
I have field readiness.
That's good.
Do you know Paul Delgado, ma'am?
No, I don't think so.
This is Paul Delgado.
He's a Marine and he would like
to come home right now.
I'm gonna take his place.
Right now, I just walk his dog.
Waffles.
I don't have a picture of the dog,
but it's white and fluffy
and about this big.
Or... well, actually it's about...
Sir?
No, I know what you said.
I'm sorry, sir. Yes, I'm just...
I just thought you should know
that Ned Chipley is here again.
What?
He's saying that he'd like to...
Is that Master Sergeant Jenkins?
That he'd like to take the place of...
Paul Delgado.
Paul Delgado.
Tell him about the dog.
And he has a dog.
- Named...
- Named Waffles.
Thank you.
Master Sergeant Jenkins
will see you now.
Thank you, ma'am.
What's this all about, son?
Al-Qaeda is alive and well, sir.
Okay. What's this about, specifically?
Paul Delgado would like to come home.
And I'll take his place.
That's...
That's not how it works, Ned.
You just can't take someone's place.
A military outfit is about cohesion.
It's about uniformity, it's...
Stop writing and listen to me.
- Ned...
- What is that?
Can I have this, sir?
Ned... why do you wanna
join the Marines?
And don't quote the brochure,
just tell me in your own words.
I hate terrorists, sir.
And I want to save lives.
- Save lives?
- Yes, sir.
Shut the door.
Let me tell you something.
Have a seat.
I'll give you the poster already.
There's an old saying.
Here, give me one of those cards,
I'll write it down for you.
It says...
"An immature man
wants to die nobly for a cause,
but a mature man
wants to live humbly for one."
What that means, Ned,
is we're in danger at home.
We need good people
looking after things here.
I mean, sure,
everybody wants to put on
a uniform and be a hero,
but... the real heroes
are the ones looking after
their fellow citizens
here on the home front.
The home front.
Didn't you say Al-Qaeda
was alive and well?
Yes, sir.
Then there's bound to be sleeper cells
everywhere.
Right under our noses, even.
Chances are, they're gonna keep
attacking us where we live,
at the malls, at the supermarkets.
We need good people
looking after things here.
Special Operatives, if you will.
You want me to be a Special Operative?
Absolutely.
- So I'll be a Marine? - Uh... - A Special Operative.
- Marine Special Operative.
No. Don't tell people
you're a Marine, Ned.
You don't wanna compromise
yourself or this office.
Can I have a gun, sir?
Weapons draw
the wrong kind of attention.
What can I have then,
besides that poster?
Okay.
Be very careful with these, Ned.
On them are the 52 biggest
terrorist threats in the world.
Saddam is the Ace of spades?
Those are the men you're looking for
and anyone associated with them.
And what I need you to do, Ned,
is be vigilant.
Can you do that for me?
Be vigilant?
Vigilant? Absolutely, sir.
What is my unit's nickname?
- Am I Devil Dog?
- No.
You're a...
You know what a Sun Dog is, Ned?
Wait, hold on, look. Let me show you.
You see the sun in the middle here?
Mm-hm.
Picture that as, say, the...
the Marines in Iraq and Afghanistan.
And these...
those are Sun Dogs.
They're just as important,
but they shine their light
off to the side of the sun,
which is kinda like
what you'll be doing here,
at home, as a Special Operative.
So, I'm a Sun Dog, not a Devil Dog?
Right. But there are two of them.
Well, Sun Dogs often come in pairs,
but let's not get too caught up
in the details, Ned.
Sir, how do I contact you?
Here. Here's my card.
Thank you, sir.
Welcome to the fight.
Can I get that poster, sir?
The rumors of gold
long before...
The Spanish Explorer,
Juan Bautista de Anza,
- for whom the California town is named...
- Hey, that's us.
I can't do this.
I wrote the directions down.
Just go step-by-step.
- I... I don't think I can.
- Hold your horses.
They're talking about buried gold
right around the corner.
And turn that printer off.
Take that stuff to Kinkos.
- They can do this at Kinkos?
- That's what they do at Kinkos.
But you don't know what I'm doing.
And I don't wanna know what you're doing.
But I know whatever it is,
Kinkos is gonna do it better.
I gotta order the show now,
I missed half the damn thing
dealing with you.
I'll get it for you on eBay,
they have everything.
You don't say.
Nice.
And, there you go. There's 2,000
of those puppies right there.
Whoa, these are awesome.
Yeah, no, thanks.
I thought they turned out good.
Al-Qaeda's alive and well
here in the United States.
There are sleeper cells everywhere,
right under our noses.
Chances are they're gonna keep attacking us where
we live. At malls, in supermarkets, Kinkos.
- What, are you being serious?
- Oh, yes.
We have to be vigilant.
Here.
My email is on the bottom,
but you already know that.
Okay. Who are you?
The name is Chipley.
I'm with Master Sergeant Jenkins' unit,
out of San Diego.
They call us Sun Dogs.
Okay, and if I wanted to be a Sun Dog,
- is there more information?
- Don't say anything.
Don't say anything about what?
America's the bearer of the cross.
- Dude.
- Hello, sir.
- Are you serious?
- Name is Chipley.
My email's on the bottom.
Be vigilant.
Hello, ma'am.
Ned Chipley.
My email's on the bottom.
Ma'am, my name is Ned Chipley.
My email is on the bottom.
Welcome back,
it's time to meet our next contestant
from Anza, California.
We have nursing student,
Rose Chipley.
It says here you'd like to live
in New York City one day, Rose.
My girlfriends and I tried
to get on The Price is Right
to try and win a trip there.
Oh, my God, can I say that?
Can I say another show?
Well, we'll leave that up
to the editing crew, Rose.
In the meantime, maybe you can win
some cold hard cash
to help you to get to New York City.
Did I ever tell you
I wanted to live in New York
when I was younger?
Be an EMT?
Thought that'd be exciting.
Go to New York, be an EMT.
But you can't just go to New York
and be an EMT at my age.
Have to get the credentials
for one thing.
Get the credentials.
I'll save you.
It's very difficult to learn
a new vocation as an adult.
Of course, my nursing background
puts me nearly all the way there, but I...
I don't know.
You're right, I'm making excuses.
Yes! Oh, my God!
Sir, are you okay? Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Call an ambulance.
- Call an ambulance right away.
- Can you breathe?
- Are you all right, sir?
- Get out of the way.
- He's not breathing.
- Security, if you could...
- Get out of here.
- Somebody needs to help him!
- Call an ambulance!
- An ambulance is on the way, sir.
Just take a deep breath.
Relax.
Excuse me, ma'am?
- Ma'am?
- I'm already leaving.
- Wait.
- What? What do you want?
Shouldn't you be cleaning the toilet
or something?
- Julio and Mark do the toilets.
- Congratulations.
Wait. Do you know that guy
who grabbed you inside?
Who, Osama Bin Laden?
That's not Osama Bin Laden.
No shit, it's not Osama Bin Laden,
are you serious?
Can you keep a secret?
- No way.
- Mm-hm.
I'm with the Sun Dogs.
Master Sergeant Jenkins unit
out of San Diego.
Al-Qaeda is alive and well.
Why are you wearing that outfit?
Oh, oh, I get it.
You're undercover.
This is crazy.
There are sleeper cells everywhere.
And I hate terrorists.
Oh, my God, if there is anything
more depressing
than dying in a shitty casino,
I don't know what it is.
Any man ever grabs you
like that again,
- just go like this.
- Oh.
Martial arts.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
Leave no man behind.
Excuse me, sir?
My name is Ned Chipley.
I'm with the Sun Dogs.
Master Sergeant Jenkins unit.
Be vigilant.
So, let me get this straight.
You want to be a nurse?
- I am a nurse.
- But on wheels.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Why do you take the bus?
- I can't drive.
- Why?
Did you get hurt or something?
Is that scar from the war?
Sorry.
You don't have to answer that.
I didn't mean to pry.
- Stay here.
- Well, can't I come in?
Fine.
But you could...
Could you tell them that...
I could drive you, 'cause, like,
you're gonna need a driver
to follow them around.
- Hm.
- So...
Don't forget to tell them.
Thank you, sir.
- See you later.
- Okay.
All right.
Is that the case you forgot?
Are there important documents in there?
Welcome to the fight.
Four soldiers were killed
in Afghanistan yesterday
when a car bomb...
Here's your credit card and here
is Ms. Petersen's license, Mr. Chipley.
We should have more about
this attack later on in the day.
Be vigilant.
Okay.
We have Uday's address
and we're about to get on his tail.
Do you have anything to say?
Four soldiers were killed
in Afghanistan yesterday
when a car bomb exploded.
Did you know them?
Those are nice.
Are those special-issued shades?
You been to a lot of places, Ned?
A lot of places.
Yeah, I've been to a lot of places too,
but...
they've all been shitholes
just like this one.
- Shitholes?
- Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
You come here
after you got injured?
Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to.
You don't have to tell me.
Maybe you'll tell me
when you get to know me better.
And I'll tell you a few things
when I get to know you better too,
so it'll be a fair deal. Fair deal.
Do you...
Do you live with people?
Like other Marines? I don't...
I don't know how this
counter-terrorism stuff works.
I'll just shut up now.
Most guys just want you to shut up.
Unless they want to get in your pants.
I live with my mother.
And Bob.
Okay. Oh.
You know what? That is...
That's actually pretty smart
from an undercover standpoint.
You work as a janitor,
you live with your mother.
That's...
No one would ever expect that.
That's kind of genius.
Holy shit, look.
Holy shit.
A white van? Very fishy.
Al-Qaeda is alive and well
here in America.
Man, you got that right.
- This is so awesome.
- You like it?
- Yes.
- Look, I can add graphics.
My mom lived with a million losers,
but this one guy, Ben, was all right.
He cut music videos
and he taught me all this stuff.
You're really good at this.
Well, I'm good at a lot of things.
We need to get this to Jenkins.
Dear Master Sergeant Jenkins,
the nine of spades
are on field, three friends.
They do not look like any
of the other cards in the deck.
But they are driving a white van.
And that's very fishy.
That's not what I said.
What I said was
I didn't get the point.
- Ned!
- Ned.
Nice.
Part of me wants to know
what's going on,
part of me doesn't.
I think it's sweet, whatever it is.
I'm supposed to have three of these,
did you take one?
- More supplies.
- Mmm.
I'm going in there.
He'll see you.
Well, one of us has to,
and you work with him so you're out.
- Mm.
- I'll just keep my distance.
Now, hold the camera still like I...
You crack me up.
You can assemble a rifle in 15 seconds,
but you can't use a camera.
It's like you're ill equipped
to be a civilian.
Oh. Hold on.
What's that?
Here.
Sun Dogs often come in pairs.
These are for me?
Yeah.
I'm a Sun Dog now?
Mm-hm.
Be right back.
Okay.
How cool do we look
in our matching shades?
- What did he buy?
- More fishy stuff.
Some epoxy glue,
some other kind of glues,
some paint.
I got the receipt.
How?
I flirted with the check-out guy.
Dear Master Sergeant Jenkins,
more fishy stuff.
They bought epoxy glue,
some other kind of glue,
some fuel, and some paint.
We got the receipt. This is it.
You got it, right?
Ned?
- Tally?
- You got the plan, right?
Yes. You're really good
at making plans.
All right. So, when you see me,
you distract the guards,
so Uday'll have to drag me out himself,
I'll pick his pocket,
it'll be a piece of cake, trust me.
Once I pick his pocket,
we'll have his phone,
and then we'll have all his contacts.
- That'll be good, right?
- Right.
Okay, okay.
Glad to see you. Yes. I'll be...
Okay. Don't run. I'm leaving.
Get your hands off!
Don't touch me!
No! I'm not doing this! I'm not.
I didn't do anything wrong!
Okay. We're doing it this way.
All right. I'm not getting down!
Oh, my God. Stop resisting.
Ned! Ned!
Ned, Ned, what are you doing?
Ned, what are you doing?
...please report
to the front lobby immediately.
I'm not gonna ask you
what you were thinking,
but it's interesting,
the minute you start dating girls,
you wind up in the can.
I think there's a lesson there.
I'm just playing with you, Ned.
Don't go all UFC on me.
And I'm not gonna tell your mother,
'cause God knows you kept your mouth shut
about me enough times.
Good news is,
they're not gonna press charges.
Bad news is,
you're out of a job again.
But what the hell would you wanna work
for anyone with the cash you have?
Listen. I wanna talk to you
about something.
Why don't you and I go in
some kinda little business, kid, huh?
What do you think?
Well, think about it.
We'll talk about it.
Come up with a couple of things.
Well, now it all makes sense.
Hey! I'm Tally.
Uh...
- How's Ned?
- He's fine.
They're not gonna press charges.
Yeah. I figured Master Sergeant
Jenkins would get involved.
- Who?
- Ned's Commander.
Look, I don't know what you're pulling,
but...
why don't you hustle somebody else, okay?
Did you get it?
I... I... I got all his texts
and contacts going back six months,
and I printed it out at Kinkos.
Kinkos is awesome.
Bye, Bob. Have a nice day.
Nice to meet you.
Ned, you are my hero.
Okay. Yassir.
Y-A-S-S-I-R.
I still cannot get over
how you put that guy to sleep.
That was badass.
And you didn't have
to blow your cover for me.
I could've kicked their asses
if I wanted to.
But thank you.
I'm never gonna forget that.
Never forget, right?
Never forget.
Is this the only place you got hurt?
Or did you get hurt another place?
You can tell me, you know,
I read The Sun Also Rises
before I dropped out.
Dear Master Sergeant Jenkins,
please run a check
on the following names.
Jamal Abur, Jaheim Dean...
Eric Ramirez...
Joseph Gilvenstein...
Yassir Bah.
Did Bob say anything to you
by any chance?
My mom said to ask you
for Thanksgiving.
- Really?
- Yeah.
What did Bob say?
Bob...
was buying lottery tickets.
And my mom yelled at him.
Well...
I have plans on Thanksgiving.
Okay.
What does that mean?
Hm?
How did you get through school
and not read this?
You'll read the 9/11
Commission Report and not this.
The title's from the book.
Holden's sister, Phoebe, asks him
what he wants to do with his life,
what job or whatever,
and he says he wants to be
a catcher in the rye.
If, like, a group of kids
are playing in a field, a field of rye,
and one of them runs over
and falls off a cliff,
he'd swoop in and catch them.
I could do that.
Well, it's not a real job, though.
It's just something he imagined.
That's the problem, it's a fantasy.
There's no real job like that.
That's kinda the whole point.
He's not living in reality.
Come on, Ned.
There's not been anything for hours.
He's probably asleep.
There's a bottle of peach schnapps
at my place with our names on it.
Okay...
Yep. Here it is. You want a sip?
Let's make another movie.
You're really good at those.
Well, I appreciate that,
but we're missing a little thing
called electricity right now.
Here.
I thought our names were on it.
Ha-ha.
That burns my throat.
You've never had peach schnapps before?
- No.
- Oh.
Can we play the car game?
- I've been doing it all day.
- Do the car game.
All right,
but only because you like it.
- Come back here.
- What?
Come on, come back here,
lay down for a sec.
- Who are they?
- Oh.
Oh, man. That's...
Ann Marie Silvano and her four kids.
They're moving to Reno.
Ann Marie's husband, Phil,
lost his job as a pharmaceutical salesman
and learned to deal blackjack
so he's been there a month,
and now they're following.
But Ann Marie doesn't know
that Phil's been banging
a cocktail waitress at Harrah's
for the past three weeks.
- No.
- Yep.
- Phil?
- Yep.
- Jerk.
- I know.
All five of them are about to go up
to Wyoming to live with her parents,
- but guess what?
- What?
Her parents aren't gonna be there,
'cause they're gonna die in a fire
of unknown origins in the next week.
We have to save them.
You're too cute, you know that?
It's just a game.
- It's a good game.
- Yeah, I know.
My mom and I used to play it
when we lived in a trailer in Arkansas.
After we'd get home from the drive-in
we'd go to all the time,
we'd lay in our bed
and we'd just make believe
like we were rolling along
with every car that passed by.
And before I fell asleep,
I'd ask her where we'd be in the morning
and she always said,
"San Francisco, baby girl."
Because she'd never been there
and she'd heard it was
the prettiest city in the world.
It was fun.
It also sucked
because when you woke up,
you were still in Arkansas.
Hm.
Hey, you wanna see something?
Yeah.
That's us.
I think we were in Biloxi.
My mom was a hottie.
Her self-esteem was for shit though,
that's why she 86'd herself.
She what?
She killed herself.
How?
Threw herself off a bridge.
I could show you something else.
Here, take another sip. Go on.
This is my mom's note.
You wanna see it?
Yes.
Can you read it?
"I'm walking to the train station.
If one person says hello
or asks me how I am today,
I will not kill myself."
Obviously, no one said hello
or asked her how she was.
Everyone thinks it was an accident.
When the cops came by,
I didn't show them the note.
- Why?
- Because fuck them, that's why.
I don't even know why I keep this,
I should throw it out.
Can I have it?
You want it?
Yes.
Sure, why not?
My mom would have really liked you.
You're crazy serious,
but you care about people.
You would have said hello to her
if you saw her, I bet.
You're just that kind of guy,
you know?
Ned, are you gonna move on
to another case after this?
'Cause I wouldn't mind
helping if you do.
And, you know,
maybe I will come for Thanksgiving too,
I could change my plans
if you want me to.
Ned.
Ned?
- So, what is it you do, Tally?
- Yeah, what is it you do?
Makes movies.
Pass the turkey, please.
Movies, wow.
Are you interested
in film school, honey?
- Um... I don't know, maybe.
- Pass the gravy, please.
Well, you should go
to film school then.
It took me almost 30 years to go back to school
and it's been the best thing I've ever done.
I don't know.
There's this program out in San Francisco
I might check out.
It's like this apprenticeship thing,
the Star Wars guy created it.
Luke, I am your father.
It's Darth Vader. He's your father.
You should look into that,
it sounds like great idea,
and Tally's very talented,
isn't she, Ned?
Very talented.
- Pass the corn, please.
- See?
Well, maybe I will. I don't know.
- What do you do, Bob?
- Yeah, what do you do, Bob?
Bob drives trucks.
Pass the potatoes, please.
I used to drive a truck
before I got in an accident,
hurt my back.
Long Haul Trucking.
Just me, my thoughts and the road.
- It was glorious.
- It really was.
Deer Hunter.
Let's do it.
So, what's up with you and Bob?
Been together a long time?
Oh, yes. Yes, very long time.
He's not Ned's dad though, right?
No, no, no.
That one didn't stick around.
You love Bob, or... or just live with him?
I love Bob.
For years,
when he was on the road,
my stomach would do flips
when I heard his truck
coming up the street.
Every single time.
All I can say is that if...
men were only around
one week of the month,
there'd probably be a lot more
happy women out there.
It's just... It's hard when
you get used to it one way and then...
you know,
you have to see someone every day.
I see Ned every day.
- I know, you two are very secretive.
- Oh, it's just that I drove his work.
You must be glad
he's not overseas anymore.
I'm sorry, what?
I said it must be nice
to have him home.
Oh, it is.
He's such a joy to have around.
He's the most helpful person I know.
Right? He's such a do-gooder.
I'm...
I'm so glad you don't have a problem
with his condition.
Oh, it's... it's not a big deal.
It's just...
bad luck, is all.
Bob fell asleep.
Let's go walk Waffles and find Uday.
Go, that sounds like fun.
Bye, sweetie.
This doesn't make any sense.
You can't afford
to be out of work six months.
I told you,
it's an exchange program.
I'll be working at a hospital in Harlem.
The housing is included.
This is insane.
Right? It's exciting.
The opportunity just presented itself,
sweetheart.
I would never forgive myself
if I didn't at least try.
But this is in New York City,
that's halfway across the world.
Okay, now you're just being silly.
It's not that far on a plane.
You know I don't fly,
and obviously, I can't drive.
What are we gonna do for Christmas?
What do you care about Christmas?
Every year, we go to the casino.
What about Ned?
Ned can take care of himself.
The truth is, he's always been able
to take care of himself.
I have just been using him as an excuse.
I mean, this whole thing
was his idea, really.
That explains everything now.
Listen to me.
Why don't you wait just a little bit
'til the settlement comes in?
Jerry promised me it's gonna be soon.
And I'll take you on a nice cruise.
No?
So, that's it.
- This is goodbye?
- What? It's not goodbye.
Just think of it
as a new chapter in our lives.
- I'm going.
- See you.
Hello, Bob.
- How are you today?
- I think I lost your mother.
Did you look upstairs?
- Always great talking to you, Ned.
- Hey, you know that article I was telling you about?
It said that someone jumps
off the Golden Gate Bridge
once every two weeks.
That's 26 people a year,
double or triple
around the holidays.
Do you know how many people
you can save during the holidays alone?
How many?
Well, let's be conservative
and say it's 30 people a year total
who throw themselves
off the bridge.
Let's say that
each one of those 30 people
would've had two kids
if they didn't off themselves.
In 50 years, you'd save...
You'd save 3,000 people.
That basically evens out 9/11 in...
in, like, a big picture way.
Big picture way?
Can I have that?
What's this?
I got it in the mail.
Can I have that?
I was kidding. You don't have to...
Ned, no... You don't have to.
- He's getting his pilot license.
- What? This is it.
This is it. This is...
This is exactly what they did on 9/11.
Exactly what they did on 9/11.
What is he doing now?
Is he smiling?
- No.
- What is he doing now?
He's walking into the building.
What is that? Is that like a...
Where they give out
pilot's licenses.
What?
Confirmed.
We fly on the 15th.
Praise Allah.
Have you seen Ned?
He went to help the Delgados.
He'll be back in a couple of minutes.
Are you sad 'cause your old lady left?
Told you everybody needs a ring.
Right. Like you always need a ride home.
But Ned can't give you a ride home.
But there's other things
you can get from him, right?
- It's not his fault he can't drive.
- No, it's not his fault.
But it's your fault
for taking advantage of that.
Nobody's taking advantage.
What are you talking about?
Working a parking lot is classy
compared to scamming a guy
with half a brain.
Screw you, Bob.
He doesn't have half a brain.
He got injured in the war.
Did you fight in any wars?
I don't see no scar on your head.
I fought in Vietnam, smart-ass. And he
got that scar from a paint can falling
and hitting him on the head
in the garage.
What?
- Tell me you're not serious?
- Ned's a Marine.
He's a Special Operative.
A Sun Dog.
Yeah, he's special, all right.
What about this?
What about it?
He knows Marines. He's...
He's got credit cards.
I don't know anything
about him knowing Marines.
But people feel sorry for him
all the time,
that doesn't surprise me.
The hospital fucked him up
when he was born.
That's how he got like that.
You're full of shit.
Go look in his room.
Tell me if a Marine lives there.
Why are you wearing that outfit?
Oh, I get it, you're undercover.
- Why do you take a bus?
- I can't drive.
Is that scar from the war?
I live with my mother.
Pretty smart
from an undercover standpoint.
Are there important documents
in there?
I'm a Sun Dog now?
Hey, Tally.
They fly today.
We should go.
I haven't heard from Jenkins.
We should call the police.
Here we go.
Here.
Hello, there are terrorists
at the airfield,
with bomb-making equipment.
They're Al-Qaeda
and they plan to strike today.
Congratulations,
you just saved the world.
What are they doing?
They're flying model planes, Ned.
You wanna know
why you don't drive, Ned?
You don't drive because you rode
the short bus your entire life.
Where'd this come from?
eBay.
eBay?
It's just a deck of cards.
You wanna chase some pretend terrorists?
Go! Go chase some pretend terrorists.
- Why are you doing this?
- 'Cause you're a retard, and...
You're a virgin,
and I hate your stupid guts.
Don't move. Don't move.
Hands up.
Watch his hands.
Look out for him move his hands.
I bet this Bautista de Anza's gold
is still out there.
So why don't you go get it?
What?
Why don't you go get it?
Ned, take the head off, will you, please?
It's depressing enough around here.
I said, why don't you go get it?
'Cause I don't exactly know where it is.
I'd need a hell of a metal detector.
What?
I said I'd need a metal detector.
Dear Master Sergeant Jenkins,
I resign.
Sincerely, Ned Chipley.
I'm worried about you, man.
You've been down here a week.
The holidays are brutal enough
without you going Howard Hughes on me.
What do you think about
taking that thing off your head
so we can have a little man to man?
Okay, listen.
I came to apologize.
I didn't consider the ramifications
of any of this.
I was flippant.
A man should never be flippant.
You'll never be a Marine, Ned.
I shoulda told you that.
You have a condition that renders you
unable to meet our standards.
Those are the facts
whether we like it or not.
I should've bucked up and told you
just like I tell anybody else
who doesn't meet the requirements.
You need a cause, son, a purpose.
Every man does.
But this... this is not it.
Can you stand and give me a salute?
Merry Christmas.
Ned, something came
in the mail for you.
It's from your mom
and your ex-girlfriend.
Ned, I suck!
Those things I said to you
are unforgivable.
I don't know what else to say
except I'll try to make it up to you.
I promise.
Well, I finally did it.
I finally came to San Francisco
because of you.
It's just as pretty
as my mom always said it was.
If you ever come out here,
you should come visit.
It's just a crappy dorm room,
but I got into that film camp.
I sent them the videos from the stakeout
and they gave me a scholarship.
Those stakeouts were
the best time I ever had.
I hope you can forgive me, Ned.
I don't know what
I would've done without you.
Love, Tally.
P.S. The bridge is amazing!
Ned!
eBay!
Come on, let's try this sucker out!
Well, I hear you, Ned,
but that's not what happened, is it?
- No.
- That's right.
Let me tell you
what my father used to say.
My father used to say,
"If ifs and buts were candies and nuts,
we'd all have a hell of a Christmas.
But we're not having
a hell of a Christmas."
And what that means is,
things are what things are,
no matter how you think
they could have been.
Ned, work a little bit over here.
You're going in a goddamn circle.
It would be easier during the day.
Yes, it would be easier
during the day, but...
Jerry told me he thinks
the company hired some guy
to watch during the day.
Try to get a picture of me
doing something physical,
then they'll never settle the case.
'Course they'll probably never
settle it anyway,
on account of it's not their fault.
But what the hell.
We'll get rich the old-fashioned way.
Oh.
- Oh.
- You got something?
Here, let's switch.
Good. Good.
I gotta hand it to you, Ned,
you're a hard worker.
And you know enough
to keep your mouth shut.
People like to have
a guy like that around.
And you're an optimistic
son of a bitch.
I've seen you fail at more things
most people wouldn't even begin
to wanna try.
I don't wanna fail.
Well, then you gotta stop doing things
that you're not qualified for.
Shit! When I was a kid,
I wanted to play for the Tigers...
but I didn't have the ability
to play in the Major League.
See, for me,
that was an unrealistic goal.
So I had to drive a truck for a living.
I was a damn good truck driver.
And... that's the best you can do.
- My mom says that if I...
- Ned, if you don't mind, please.
I don't wanna talk about
your mom right now.
Okay.
Listen to me.
Don't stop digging.
"Listen to me" doesn't mean stop digging.
The bottom line, things aren't so bad.
You got your health.
People seem to like you,
and what else?
You got money.
Two big things,
your health and money.
You could practically do
anything that you want,
so long as you don't keep
setting these unrealistic goals.
Listen, if I were you, right off the bat,
I would rule out anything
that required you to take a test.
- Is that a car?
- Car.
Shit! Get down!
You see it?
- Yeah.
- Is it gone?
They're gone.
Good.
Hey, what did that Jenkins fella say?
A man needs a purpose.
He's absolutely right, hundred percent.
What do you wanna do with your life, Ned?
What is your purpose?
- I want to save lives.
- Save lives, all right.
Well, for starters,
you're not gonna be a doctor, right?
Rule out anything
in the medical profession.
I mean, you got fired
from one hospital already.
What else...
Sherpa maybe? Maybe a Sherpa.
I read a book about climbing Everest, and... sometimes
someone keels over and the Sherpas save their lives.
'Course you might have to be an Indian
or a mountain-person
or whatever the hell they are.
All right, jot that down.
Here, I'll hold that for you.
Maybe a Sherpa is not a good idea.
I just can't figure out
what else fits in that category.
- I could be a catcher in the rye.
- I don't what that is.
I mean, I know it's a book,
but I don't know what the hell
that has to do with
what we're talking about here.
It's someone who catches kids
after they fall off cliffs.
Okay, no!
See, Ned, this is an example
of where you go a little askew.
You can't catch somebody
after they fall off a cliff.
I mean, you can,
but that's comic book stuff,
that's super hero stuff.
I mean, you can prevent somebody
before they fall off a cliff,
that's another thing,
but once they go over,
they go over.
And catching somebody
falling off a cliff is not a job.
See, that's off point.
That's not something
you should even be talking about.
Now you got me talking about it.
Here.
Where the hell is this
catcher in the rye coming from?
Tally.
Tally.
You know what, Ned?
There's no easy answers to life.
Most of the time, we're all just
stumbling around, you know.
If you're lucky,
things just come to you.
Now, in my case,
I should have realized
what was going on with your mom.
But I didn't.
It didn't come to me.
But this information
about Bautista de Anza's gold,
that did come to me, so...
you know,
we work with what we got.
A man needs a purpose.
Keep digging, Ned.
I'll save you.