1
I talked to Amanda on five
different social platforms.
I messaged WhatsApp, Facebook, Snapchat,
GChat, not to mention
that one time on LinkedIn
when I endorsed her bartending skills...
which was, in reality, a complete lie,
because she's a terrible mixologist.
We text late into the night
about music, art, culture, cuisine...
my emotions on a roller coaster ride
with every buzz of my phone.
Three months of this,
and for the life of me,
I can't get her to commit to a date.
What's that?
Seriously? Was anyone listening?
Just do us all a favor,
and kill yourself.
That line should be "murder yourself."
Just do ourselves a
favor, and murder yourself.
Sorry, Jack, I'm doing like
ten other things around here.
Andrea, your mother on my call.
She says she's concerned about
the rash on Robbie's inner thigh.
- Your mother's gonna get me fired.
- Oh, Lord.
To be fair, it's a pretty legit rash.
Hey, guys, can we top messing
around here? This is pretty serious.
[Laughing]
Really good, Veronica.
See, it's all about being truthful.
- Okay, awesome.
- Oh, my God.
- This chick is terrible.
- You guys hear that?
- Soy milk.
- Sorry. So anyway.
Back to Amanda.
You may want to ease up
on those texts, Jack.
She's already been written up twice.
Jack, you need to turn
this online exchange of ones and zeros
into an off-line
exchange of bodily fluids.
Ew.
Okay, the thing is,
Every time I bring up
actually doing something
in real life, she's always like,
"Sure, sounds good.
"Text me when you're there.
Uh-oh, something came up."
She's just super flaky.
It's easy to be flaky
when you can hide behind a screen.
For example, my old college roommate
has been messaging me
on Facebook all day.
Rather than telling her I'm busy
like a decent human being,
I just ignore her.
That's life.
I need some of Andrea's
avocado body butter.
Wait, hold up.
Have you actually straight up
asked this girl out on a date?
Like, with a specific location and time?
Um, isn't that kind of forward?
Ask her to go glow in the dark bowling.
It's a very popular
first date destination.
Just text her "Glow
in the dark bowling,"
period, "Tomorrow. Period," period.
"Period," as in "That's
it," not double period.
Don't you dare put a double period.
I don't know.
- I need a second to think.
- Come on, Jack.
You got to put yourself out there.
We're all here for you.
- Andrea, line two.
- Got to go.
This is Andrea.
Andrea. Oh, thank God.
I don't think my messages
have been going through.
It... it's me, Talia.
Talia?
I don't understand why everything
has to be so difficult.
I... I don't think I'm asking for much.
Guess what?
I'm in L.A.
Where... where in L.A.?
I just want to have a
face-to-face conversation
with a female girl of the opposite sex
for once in my life.
I need some fresh air.
[door slams]
[whispering] There's a girl outside.
- Sorry, I wasn't expecting...
- Both: Oh.
- Guests today.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, get it.
- Yeah, just let me...
- Thank you.
- There you go.
- Appreciate it.
- Hey.
Yours or Andrea's?
What do you think?
- Andrea.
- Hey.
Talia.
[laughs] It's been so long.
So long.
Have you met everyone?
Yeah. Well, kind of.
Guys, this is Talia,
my former roommate from NYU.
Hi.
So...
what are you doing in L.A.?
I kind of walked out of my
major thesis presentation.
You did what?
Oh, my PhD at Harvard.
I was standing in front
of all my colleagues
and the dean of my college,
the entire mathematics department...
Lecturing on model theory, obviously.
Obviously.
And all of a sudden, I started thinking
- about Mr. Peplinski.
- Mr. Peplinski?
You know, Mr. Peplinski,
that professor we had at NYU.
Remember that class we took together?
"Feminism in Modern Theatre and
Post-Industrial Globalization."
For some reason,
all I could think
about was Mr. Peplinski
and that all-female production
we did of "Glengarry Glen Ross."
You guys Ghostbuster'd
"Glengarry Glen Ross"?
I was ten minutes away from
accomplishing everything
I've worked for in the last ten years,
and it hit me.
My whole life, I've been
living the safe plan,
the backup plan, plan B.
So I walked out.
And you came here?
Yeah, I mean, where else would I go?
I want to be an actress.
Amazing.
I mean, it's you guys who
inspired me to move to L.A.
We did?
Yeah, I've sort of been
following you all on Facebook.
Mel, you're a stand-up comedian, right?
And, Dougie, you're some...
- YouTube star.
- Star, yes.
And, Anj, you have this great job
- at a movie studio.
- Mm.
And your husband, Robbie,
works at that sick bar in Malibu
where all the celebrities go.
And you...
I'm sorry; I don't know you.
What do you do?
I'm a business analyst.
Yeah. See, that's what I mean.
You guys are all going for it.
You're not living your plan Bs.
You're living your plan As.
So I was thinking, can
I crash with you, Anj?
I mean, that's what people do
when they move to L.A., right?
They couch surf?
This isn't fair.
You're asking me to give up the raft
for a random stranger?
It's mine, Robbie.
I'm not sleeping on the
floor like an animal.
Lower your voice.
She's not a random stranger, you idiot.
She's Andrea's friend,
and the raft is mine.
My parents had it imported for me
when we were in sixth grade.
I still don't understand
why a 12-year-old
would ask for an imported Italian sofa.
I've always been interested
in interior design,
and you know that.
I was thinking we could see
the Hollywood sign tomorrow?
Maybe Venice Beach?
Is Harry Potter World close?
Actually, I... I have
a pretty full schedule
at work this week, Talia,
- but maybe Mel...
- [phone chiming]
Oh, snap, that's my stepdad
coming to take me to my show.
Dougie.
No.
It's my home, Robbie.
It's my only sense of security
since the actions of
she-who-must-not-be-named
left me cold and alone
in this crazy, messed-up world.
I'm not giving it up, damn it.
Thanks so much for letting me stay, Anj.
I know you have a
super busy day tomorrow,
but do you think we
could at least grab lunch?
I'll try and squeeze it in, Talia.
We'll talk tomorrow?
- Okay.
- Good night.
Night.
[door closes]
This isn't fair.
Oh, my God. You scared me.
I tried to be nice in front
of Anj and Robbie, but, no.
You want equal rights for women?
Then say good-bye to gentlemen like me.
You can take the floor.
The raft is mine.
Okay. We can share.
Just stay on your side
and don't make it awkward.
And why do you keep calling
the couch "the raft"?
I'm sorry, Talia.
I don't think we know
each other well enough yet
for me to answer that question.
Can you believe her?
Are you okay?
I mean, what the hell
happened between you two?
After we graduated, we made plans
to get an apartment together.
Talia was dead set on being an actress.
She even had her ears
surgically pinned back
because Mr. Peplinski
said that they were too big
for her to be a leading lady.
Surgically pinned back.
- Anyways, on the day...
- [phone chimes]
we were supposed to move in,
she bails.
So I'm stuck paying for rent
on a two-bedroom
apartment in Williamsburg.
Well, maybe you should tell her.
Tell her what?
That she pissed you
off. You'll feel better.
It's important to tell your friends
when they're being idiots.
I tell Jack he's an idiot
as often as humanly possible.
[laughs]
[phone chimes]
Who are you texting?
Oh, just my mom.
Saying "Good night," and "I love you."
What?
What? I do it every night.
You text your mother every night?
Yeah.
How did I not know this? How...
I do not know.
I mean, I guess you're
usually brushing your teeth
or something...
or sometimes it's a quick snap
or a Skype sesh if you're, you know,
taking too long.
[phone chiming]
[sighs]
[phone chiming]
Sorry, James is trying to convince me
to go back to Boston.
He's making such a big deal out of this.
Who's James?
My fianc.
[scoffs]
You have a fianc?
Well, we're pre-engaged.
It's like a commitment
to make a commitment.
Well, actually, the
marriage is the commitment.
The engagement is committing to commit,
so a pre-engagement is committing
to commit to commit.
So, yeah.
Right, well,
I'm here, and he's there,
so our plans are just on hold...
- for now.
- For now?
You can't even commit to
breaking the commitment.
Because I'm not breaking the commitment.
We're still pre-engaged.
Moving to L.A. doesn't change that.
Okay, I've come to the
simple conclusion...
All females are flakes.
Excuse me?
This girl I've been texting... Amanda...
she can't commit to meeting in person
at a designated place and time.
Meanwhile, you can't
even honor a commitment
that you are three times removed
from actually committing to.
I just had a change
of plans, that's all.
I... for once, I wanted
to live my plan A.
Oh, sure, yeah. Tell me something.
How does James feel
about being your plan B?
- Well...
- Exactly.
No one wants to commit to anything.
I have an idea that
involves some committing.
Why don't you quit texting that girl
and pick up the phone and call her?
Are you serious?
No, no.
I'm in too deep to make a phone call.
I... I send one wrong
text; I make one wrong move,
it'll be radio silence.
Do yourself a favor.
Stick to math and stuff.
Fine.
Fine.
You really have no clue
how to communicate with women, do you?
Have you ever moved past texting?
I have, actually. I dated
a girl for seven years.
And what happened?
She put our plans on hold.
Kind of like you and James.
Good night.
Whoa.
- Ugh.
- My rash, remember?
Hey, guys.
- You just waking up?
- Hey.
I had the best morning.
I was up at 6:00 and watched
the sunrise at Runyon Canyon.
Then I ran five miles
and updated my rsum.
Oh, God. Are you [bleep] serious?
I know, right? Oh, and guess what?
I have a meeting with a casting
director I found on Craigslist.
Congratulations on
organizing your own murder.
Very funny.
So, Mel, how was your
comedy skit last night?
It's a comedy show,
and it was okay.
The joke about me making out
with my stepdad didn't hit
like I thought it would.
I guess it was just too
much truth, you know?
So you and your stepdad are...
Yeah.
[phone chimes]
It's Amanda.
She says, "Bowling... "
"Okay?" Ghost Emoji.
This is in response to
"Glow in the dark bowling,"
period, "Tomorrow," period?
"Bowling...
Okay?"
Ghost Emoji?
Why did she use the
ghost? The ghost is scary.
Is she dying?
This girl is truly an enigma.
You know, 55% of
communication is body language,
38% is tone of voice,
and only 7% are the actual words spoken.
What are you saying?
Ooh, she's saying we
need to get a visual
on how Amanda reacts to your texts
in order to Gauge the
subtext behind her responses.
- No.
- New plan.
We go down to the comedy
club. You hide somewhere.
Send her texts while I spy on her
and give you updates on
her body language and tone.
Why didn't we think of this sooner?
Duh.
Isn't this all a little adolescent?
No.
I'm calling in sick.
- [groans]
- Oh, no.
- Come on, now.
- No, no, no, no.
Hey, say hi to the
Craigslist Casting Killer
for me, will ya?
That's not a thing.
Is that a thing?
You're gonna die.
[phone chimes]
[laughs]
[text message zooms]
I worked here for five years,
and I never even knew
this patio existed.
[phone chiming]
Sorry, it's Amanda.
She's telling me how much she loves
Nutella in her pancakes.
Why does she have to be so adorable?
Barf.
[phone chiming]
Oh, all right. It's Dougie.
He's got a visual on Amanda.
He says, "Amanda's mood
seems jovial and upbeat."
Hmm, she always struck
me as such a bitch.
Sorry.
[upbeat music]
[sighs] Sorry I'm late, Talia.
I had to get my boss' laundry.
Okay.
I got ten minutes.
I just had the worst experience
at this casting meeting, Anj.
The casting director
took one look at me.
He said my ears are too
flat against my head.
I mean, they're not too flat, right?
Is there, like, a casting HR department
where I could file a complaint?
Yeah, I don't think so, Talia.
So are you just gonna pack it in soon
and head back east?
Well, no. I... I mean, I can't.
I have to give this at least
six months to a year, right?
Six months to a year? You serious?
Yeah. I figured you'd be okay with it.
I mean, we're best friends.
[scoffs] We were best
friends in college.
I know, but I feel like
we totally kept up with each other.
How's that?
Well, for one,
we wish each other happy
birthday every year,
and you've liked a few of my statuses,
and I've loved all of yours.
You can't love a status.
Listen, Talia,
I think you spend a little too much time
believing what you read on social media.
James just changed his status to single.
Who's James?
My pre-fianc.
Pre... pre what?
He... he's not supposed to be single.
- [phone buzzing]
- Oh, crap.
I got to get my boss'
laundry back to him, Talia.
[grunts]
He's single.
So you shared the raft
with that Talia girl?
Yep.
Hmm. Why didn't you at
least try to hit that?
What makes you think I didn't?
Because she's a
flesh-and-blood human being
and not a thumbnail on your home screen.
Okay, that's offensive,
and regardless...
she's prissy and annoying
and so un-adolescent,
and even if she was interested,
- which she's not...
- Mm-hmm.
She doesn't fit into my five-year plan.
You live on a couch.
Hey, cutie, can I help you?
[phone ringing]
So this is your cubicle?
Yep.
You made your job sound so much more...
exotic on Facebook.
Did I?
It's like you know
exactly what you want, Anj.
You're cool with doing
your boss's laundry
and having this cute little cubicle,
and if that's your plan A,
that's great...
but...
But what?
I... I don't know if I can do this.
I'm gonna call my professor
and see if he'll let me
re-present my thesis.
Hi, is James available?
Sure, I'll hold.
Isn't James your pre-fianc?
Yes, he's...
also my professor.
[laughs]
Wow.
- This is so you, Talia.
- What?
I can't tell if you're more worried
about losing your fianc
or your backup plan.
What's that supposed to mean?
Let's be real, Talia.
Every decision you've ever
made has been based on safety,
including abandoning me in Brooklyn,
and now you're criticizing
my life choices,
as... as if I'm okay with my crappy job
and my cute little cubicle?
Andrea.
Huh?
[chuckles]
You... you... you guys
are getting half the story.
I love my job.
It's fantastic. You guys know.
It's not fantastic. It sucks.
This is me working
toward something, Tals,
taking a risk,
a chance on something I really want.
Aw...
you called me Tals.
You used to always call me that.
Oh, my God, I did, didn't I?
[laughs]
What I'm saying is,
stop clinging to your
parents and your professors.
Stop being an idiot.
[sighs]
Robbie was right.
I do feel better.
- Hello?
- Yeah.
James, hi, it's me. I...
- [indistinct phone chatter]
- Uh, no...
A... a... a break? What do you mean?
[phone chatter continues]
No, that was a joke.
You just got punk'd.
I hate acting. Let's get married.
- James?
- [dial tone drones]
James?
[both laughing]
So how many subscribers
did you say you have?
Oh, just under 5 million.
I try to be accessible
- to them, you know?
- Uh-huh.
But they're always trying to hang out
and meet in person.
And how do you handle
all that attention?
Oh, I just make excuses,
like I'm busy doing volunteer work,
or I just got on a plane,
and I have to turn off my phone.
[laughs]
- That's genius.
- Genius.
[both laughing]
Anyway, enough about
me. Let's talk about you.
- Mm.
- Any plans for tonight?
Something super cute.
I might go glow in the dark...
"Mini-golf"?
"Glow in the dark mini-golf"?
Give me my phone.
Oh.
All right, now it makes sense
why she's not giving you
a straight answer, okay?
Her plan A for tonight is to
go glow in the dark mini-golfing
with some jackass.
She's keeping you
and glow in the dark
bowling around just in case
her plan A doesn't follow through.
You're her plan B.
He's not answering my calls.
Tals, everything's gonna be okay.
If your definition of okay
is throwing away six years of school
and a four-year relationship on a whim,
then, yes, everything's okay.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Okay.
- Yes.
- Yeah!
All right, I'm done.
Talia, it's not a big deal, okay?
People come out here and
fail and leave all the time.
You had a good run,
a solid 24 hours.
You leaving already?
- I'm sorry.
- I... I had a plan.
Oh, a plan?
And let me guess... we are your plan B.
Well, what if my plan A
isn't to be your plan B?
What are you talking about?
Don't worry; I get it.
A better opportunity presented itself.
Why don't you just
hurry up on out of here
like every other flake-fest of a girl,
specifically Amanda.
I'm sorry, Anj, I...
I can't live like this.
Like what?
This lifestyle.
You know, I thought
people moved to Hollywood
because they had a dream
to pursue their plan As.
Don't tell me this is your plan A?
All of you?
Sleeping till 11:00
and then binge-watching TV all day?
Telling jokes about your bizarre,
totally inappropriate
relationship with your stepdad,
all in the name of truth and art?
Living on your friend's couch,
spending all of your time
concocting elaborate schemes
just to get girls to date you?
And live-streaming the results?
I mean, I don't... I don't know
how you guys live like this.
Listen, lady.
I am an accomplished
viral video sensation,
a leading member of
the new media landscape,
and according to a frequent
BuzzFeed commentator,
a modern-day Marcello Mastroianni.
So I would say I am living my plan A.
Do you even know who
Marcello Mastroianni is?
No, but my fans do,
and they have defined tastes, Mel.
This isn't the scum that
frequent your comedy club
looking for cheap laughs and sex.
Whoa, hold up.
The sex may be cheap, but
the laughs are very real.
Hey, and FYI, Talia,
I'm on a personal quest to find comedy
and search for why one finds
the need to find comedy.
It's meta, and it's my plan A.
Oh, let's be honest.
You're just dealing with
your parents' divorce, Mel.
I'd rather be a product of a broken home
than a product of your mother.
Hey, come on.
Yeah, man, your mom texted me today.
She called me three
times, and the last time,
she conferenced me in
with your pediatrician.
I was actually on that call as well.
Yeah, I have a very healthy
relationship with my mother,
and she's very concerned
about the heat rash
I have on my inner thigh.
And where do you think I got
that heat rash, by the way?
Sure, I spend my days
binge-watching television,
but I spend my nights
bartending in Malibu,
where I literally sweat my junk off
so I can afford to be a
stay-at-home dad one day.
Aw, baby.
And that's my plan A, Talia.
See? We are living our plan As.
Oh, yeah? What's your plan A, Jack?
Spending the rest of your life
living on your friend's couch,
because your girlfriend of seven years
left you at the altar?
Hey, whoa. Who told you that?
My good friend, Facebook.
Well, you know what, at
least I didn't have my ears
stapled to my head.
- Andrea!
- Robbie.
Babe, are you serious?
- I can't believe you would...
- I'm sorry.
[all shouting at once]
[phone chiming]
Oh, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
[all speaking at once]
Guys, I just got a text from Amanda.
What... oh, my Amanda?
She says, "Glow in the
dark bowling," period.
"Tonight," period.
She's texting you now?
Are you kidding me?
We can still fix this. New plan.
I take Amanda glow in the dark bowling.
You and Robbie bowl two lanes over,
wearing mostly glow in the dark apparel
and try to get our attention.
What are the odds that you
can bowl a perfect game?
- Impossible.
- I can do it.
Wait, stop, okay? Just stop.
You know what would
make a lot more sense?
Call her.
I thought we already went over this.
Do you want this, Jack?
Because if you really want
this, you need to risk something.
You need to stop messing around
and take a chance on
something you want...
and...
call her.
Tell you what.
I'll take a chance on what I want
if you take a chance
on what you want, and...
stay.
What?
- See what I mean?
- Once a flake, always a...
Fine.
Fine what?
If you call Amanda, I'll stay.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
So it's settled. You're both fine.
Oh, this is happening now?
- Oh, okay.
- All: Oh.
[phone clicks]
[line trilling]
Hello?
Hey, Amanda?
It's Jack.
Oh, hi.
I'm just calling you, because...
I feel like we really
connect on a lot of levels,
and I have a hard time
putting myself out there,
because...
well, it's scary.
[laughs]
So this is me taking a chance
and calling you.
Sorry, um...
I just got on a plane,
and I have to turn off
my phone... 'kay, bye.
- Ooh, it's time to go to bed.
- Ooh, that's over.
[all speaking at once]
I think I got that thing to do.
[phone chimes]
Hey, guys, it's the casting director.
I've got an audition.
- Hey.
- Bravo.
- I knew it.
- Hey.
I'm so proud of you, baby.
[all speaking at once]
[upbeat music]