I've had two perfect moments in my life.
The first was when I married Sarah.
The other,
I was downtown...
He went in there,
Officer!
Thanks, pal.
Two perfect moments...
which offset a life of pain.
Would God hide pictures of Heather Locklear
in His closet, Frank?
A life of humiliation.
And rejection.
Oh, yeah.
What are those?
I'll wake up and see these
first thing every morning.
My perfect moments.
They can inform my day,
set me in the right direction.
The hands are a little big,
don't you think, sweetheart?
Frank.
I don't want to snuggle.
I knew I was losing her.
Honey...
Close the fucking door.
Doof.
I should have done something
about it then,
saved Sarah from what was about to come.
Crunch!
But I was weak.
Hey.
Sarah live here?
Uh, she's not home right now.
Hey, what are you cooking there, pal, eggs?
Sounds pretty good right about now.
Do you think maybe I could have
a couple of those babies?
Are these some special kind of eggs?
Are these those...
those brown kind?
I don't know what those are.
No.
Well, they're fucking fantastic.
I mean, my God.
You, my friend,
you have an egg-cooking gift.
God has graced you with
a goddamn egg-cooking gift.
Whoa.
Horse is at the gate.
Got to run.
Do me a favor, buddy.
Will you tell Sarah that Jacques stopped by?
Okay.
Amazing eggs.
Really.
She was gone five days later.
People look stupid when they cry.
- All right, girls, break's up.
Back to work.
Jock?
Excuse me.
Jock.
Yeah?
- I'm sorry to bother you.
Have you seen my wife?
They say she doesn't work here anymore.
Oh, depends on who your wife is.
Sarah!
Sarah.
Oh, yeah, you're the guy
that cooks eggs, right?
The brown kind?
Yeah, yeah.
They weren't brown.
Oh, that's right.
They weren't brown.
That's right.
- Have you seen my wife?
Shit. Yes.
Yeah, I've seen her.
And I know this is hard, man,
but I don't think... oh...
I don't think she wants to see you anymore.
What?
Oh, buddy.
I'm sorry.
Yo, Frank,
you're burning 'em.
Come on, man.
That's how people get cancer,
from eating burnt burgers, man.
Frank, man, you got to forget
about that bitch.
That's a fucking whore.
She sucked more dick than my brother Victor,
and you saw that faggot come in here once
with a cum worm on his beard.
Didn't even know it was there.
How you don't know somebody jizzed on your face?
Don't talk about her that way.
Okay?
You're lazy.
I'm the one who does all
the cooking around here anyway.
So?
- I know.
That dog who was banging her,
that Jacques,
Quintell say he's bad fucking news.
You wanna fuck around
with a guy like that, you?
Come on, man.
Just get that bitch out your mind, okay?
What's this?
Jock.
- The guy I was telling you about.
He stole my wife.
- Mm-hmm.
Can you arrest him?
What kind of proof do you have
that he kidnapped her?
I asked him where she was,
and he was evasive.
He wouldn't answer any questions.
Doesn't sound like proof, Mr. Darbo.
How long has she been missing?
Three days.
How did you discover she was gone?
Her closet was empty.
So this guy Jock kidnapped her
and took all of her clothes
out of her closet?
And drugs.
She's a recovering alcoholic
and drug addict.
She was really turning her life around,
and then this jerk gave her drugs.
So she kidnapped herself
and took her own clothes out of the closet.
What, is this guy, like,
one of these Vegas hypnotists?
No, no.
That's not what I'm saying.
Look, Mr. Darbo,
what you're telling us is that
your wife left you for this guy Jock.
And now you want us to arrest him.
Yes.
We can't do that, Mr. Darbo.
Listen, pal,
sometimes it's better
just to accept these things.
Sometimes the best way to forget
about someone you care about
is to fill the void with someone
you don't quite so much.
Yeah, all kinds of rabbits.
Angora, lop-eared...
One missing a leg.
That one's free.
'Cause I heard that they make good...
companion animals.
Absolutely, they do.
I mean, not a lot of people know this,
but you can train a rabbit
to use a little litter box,
which makes them better than cats.
Their faces aren't as flat
and freakish-looking.
Now, she's a real cutie.
Here you go.
What do you think?
Is she the right pet for you?
I better not.
'Cause if I screw it up...
Thanks.
We shouldn't have given
Grandpa that Red Bull.
Return to The Holy Avenger
on The All Jesus Network.
Demonswill, are you the one responsible
for the laziness of the boys
and girls here at Valley High?
That's right, Holy Avenger.
I've been bathing their
apple crisp and Tater Tots
in the Beam of Sloth.
But I don't like apple crisp
or Tater Tots, Holy Avenger.
And I pack a lunch.
That's why the two of us
haven't been affected
and have continued to do
our schoolwork and chores.
More importantly,
you're the only ones who have remembered
that it's more important
to fight evil in all its forms,
rather than just give in to Satan
because it's easier that way.
You'll never stop me!
That's right.
I won't.
But the power of Jesus Christ,
our Savior, will.
Get him, Jesus!
Yeah!
Thanks, Jesus!
Oh, greet the morning.
Shotgun.
Here we go, baby.
Obviously you have no regard
for the U.S. Constitution, Abe.
What?
- Shotgun is in there.
Sarah!
Oh, no.
Again with this guy?
Sarah, come with me.
- Frank?
What?
- Let's go.
Come on, Sarah.
Come home with me.
Where are we going?
- They've turned you against me.
Boss?
- Get in the car.
Let's go!
- No!
Sarah, please!
- Hold on.
Let go!
Oh, Sarah, look at your pupils.
They're dilated.
- Frank...
What have they done to you, Sarah?
Frank, Frank, let go.
Come on, buddy.
This isn't right.
You're hurting me!
Come on!
- Back off.
Hey, buddy, back off.
Sarah, no!
What are you doing?
No!
Come on!
You okay?
- Yeah.
Don't listen to him!
Do not listen to him!
Don't listen to him!
Hey, hey, hey.
Why are you hitting my car?
That's seriously
fucked up.
Give her back to me!
- What?
Baby, Jacques, it's okay.
It's Frank.
It's okay. He's fine...
Oh, Sarah, shut up.
No, you shut up!
All right, pal,
haven't I been nice to you?
I mean, I've been nice,
right?
I complimented
your cooking.
You don't know who I am,
so I'm gonna give you
one last warning,
out of the fucking kindness
of my fucking heart.
Don't fucking
touch my car again.
That is the last time.
Frank!
I'm going.
That's not
the kind of touching I meant.
No! No!
Sarah!
Sarah!
Come here!
- No!
Some kind of stalker or something, buddy?
Get off the car!
Come here.
God, please guide me.
Tell me what to do.
I hate you, God.
I'm sorry I said that.
It just seems so unfair, God.
Other people have goodness.
They have good things.
They have love
and tenderness,
people who care
about their lives.
They're not humiliated
at every turn.
Other people have things, God.
Even the starving children
in Africa,
even their parents love them.
Why was I so unlucky
to have my soul born
into this disgusting me?
This ugly face,
this hair,
this hair that doesn't comb,
and this dumb,
idiotic personality?
Other people
stare at me, God.
I can tell.
They are amazed at how
something so stupid and idiotic
can even exist.
Why am I that?
Please, God.
I just want this one thing.
I'll ask for one thing.
I'll never ask
for anything ever again.
Please.
Let Sarah
be my Sarah again.
Amen.
I have been plagued by visions
throughout my life.
At the age of eight,
I saw Jesus
sitting on my wall.
- Don't worry about it.
It's not a big deal.
Why does everybody
take everything so seriously
all the time?
At 12, I discovered
my friend Johnny Stockwell
wasn't all he appeared to be.
And when I first met Sarah,
I heard the words of God.
Marry her.
I have never known if these visions
were divinely implanted
or something else.
But I never experienced
anything...
like this.
The finger of God.
What?
Touching your brain.
The tiniest tip of the tiniest tip
of the finger of God.
Even that is too much
for a human being's peanut mind
to comprehend.
There's a plan for you, Frank.
Some of His children are chosen.
Okay?
Okay.
Can I help you with something in particular?
Holy Avenger.
The Avengers?
No.
Holy Avenger.
Oh, Holy Avenger.
Jeez, do you always mumble
like that?
Back issues under H.
Right there.
Holy Avenger.
What a cunt.
Hold this, asshole.
Oh, the cook.
Yeah, you're the cook
at the diner.
I eat lunch there
all the time.
Tuna avocado salad?
Do you remember me?
No.
Really?
Are you really into
this Christ-y shit?
I've never read it before.
Well, dude...
God, I got to warn you
that this
is pretty fucking stupid.
Well, I mean,
unless you're laughing
at how gay it is,
'cause then it's awesome.
Okay.
I mean, just look at this artwork.
They look like
a bunch of mongoloids.
You know what I mean?
How mongoloids' eyes
are like that?
Speaking of mongoloids,
just how fucking crazy
would it be to be a midget?
Just fucking crazy.
I don't understand
how you'd operate at all.
Can I just buy it?
Listen, "I'm no different
from you or anyone else, Holly.
"All it takes
to be a superhero
is the choice
to fight evil. "
Actually, the guy's
kind of got a point.
I mean,
I wonder all the time
why no one's everjust stood up
and become a real superhero.
"All it takes to be a superhero
is the choice
to fight evil. "
It was all so clear.
Maybe I couldn't shoot beams
out of my eyes or fly,
but the finger of God
had touched me.
And who's to say
what kind of powers
that gives a person?
Jock had stolen Sarah,
propelling me into
the depths of hell itself.
But in those depths,
I became myself
for the first time ever.
I found my skin.
Everybody give up.
It's me,
The Crimson Bolt.
You just made the biggest
mistake of your life.
Shut up, crime.
Here's The Crimson Bolt,
crime.
Crimson Bolt's journal.
Night one.
Waiting to protect innocents
from the dark forces
of evil.
Crimson Bolt's journal.
Night two.
There was no crime
last night.
I did, however,
see a few suspicious characters
who might have been planning
something for to-
Hold on!
It was just a box.
The wind was pushing it
down the street.
I'm not gonna
just leave it there.
I'll pick it up later.
I just don't want
to expose my position
at this time.
Hello.
I'm a college student,
and I'm doing a report
on where to buy drugs...
the streets where
all the drug dealers are.
You're writing a report on that?
Yes.
Why are you wearing a fake beard?
It's real.
Just my hair...
growing out of my face.
Oh, well, I guess we can just start
by checking the internet
for old news stories.
A lot of people think
it's fake, but it's not.
It's real.
They wanted me
to be a real-beard Santa
'cause of how real
my beard was.
But I was like, "No,
I have to write this report. "
Yo, brothers.
What I do you for?
Some smoke?
You got any weed?
Fuck yeah, dog.
Got the motherfucking Thai stick.
This is what you good-looking brothers
need for a party.
Pussy comes from miles away
when they smell this Thai stick,
you know?
Bet the two of y'all get
a lot of pussy, don't you, huh?
Yeah.
- Our share.
I knew it.
I can tell.
What do you say, man?
Hmm?
Thai stick, dude.
We got to.
Dude.
What the hell?
Dope-pushing scum!
Get out of here, man!
Dude, I think this is just sunflower seeds
glued to popsicle sticks.
Go!
Go, go-go-go-go!
Why are you doing this to me?
No fair!
No!
No fair!
Thud!
Clang!
Hey, motherfucker!
Yo-yo-yo!
Yo, you better get off our boy, man.
Yo, Nathaniel,
what the hell?
You better run, superbug!
Hey.
Yeah, I'm looking for comic books
with superheroes without powers.
Superheroes without powers?
Yeah, they have to use,
you know, weapons to defend themselves.
All right.
Yeah. Okay.
Batman.
Batarang, pipe bombs,
utility belt.
Utility belt?
Green Arrow has a bow and arrow.
Okay.
Captain America has a shield.
Shield...
- No, wait-wait-wait!
No, he has powers.
He has powers.
God.
Sorry, you know,
he's a supersoldier, so...
Okay.
Don't take that one.
Okay.
Catwoman has a whip.
There's Iron Man.
Now, Iron Man doesn't really
have superpowers, per se,
but he's in a superpowered suit.
Does that count?
I think I have enough.
I almost didn't say it,
but then I did.
I'm such an idiot.
Why do you need all those?
Research.
I'm making up my own superhero.
He needs a weapon.
Cool.
That'll do.
Oh, no.
Thwack!
Yo, man!
Oh, my neck!
Clang!
Oh!
Gracias, Mister.
Don't steal.
Don't molest kids.
Don't deal drugs.
Shut up, crime!
What?
Yes!
Hey, Frank.
Um, do you think
you could do me a favor
and give me a ride
to my meeting?
My PO's gonna kill me
if I miss again.
That's when I need to give
myself a little KISS, you know?
"Keep It Simple, Stupid. "
My sponsor has been great
about helping me
to stay grounded.
Well, then after spending that week in jail,
I just... I mean...
man, I don't ever
want to go back
to any place like that
ever again.
It's been two months now.
I'm gonna stay sober this time.
I really am.
Happy, joyous,
and free all the way.
You know what I mean?
I've never really been happy,
not even when I was a little girl.
It's funny.
I kind of think happiness is... overrated.
People spend their whole lives
chasing it,
like it's the most important
thing in the world.
Happy people
are kind of...
arrogant.
What?
Do people tell you you're weird, Frank?
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you kind of are.
Also, you're different
to other guys I've known.
You're... good.
Come here.
What?
I want to try something.
What?
Come here.
You can't be happy for me?
I am happy for you, Sarah.
I just know that...
Fuck, you've always been like this.
Even when we were kids,
you were like this.
No, Sarah.
- Yes.
It's just fast.
Fast?
You just got sober after how long?
I mean, what is it that they say
about not making
any major decisions for a year?
Nothing against Frank.
Nothing against you, Frank.
Okay.
Why can't you just be happy for me?
For us?
That is something they say on TV.
See?
That is what I mean.
You just cull together
all these things
you hear other people say
and put them together
into something
you think is a personality.
You are a real bitch.
Sarah!
What if I know, Jennifer?
What if I know?
You want me
to get my life together?
You want me to change?
Sarah...
What if Frank is the only thing
that will save me?
What then?
The brutal assaults by the costumed man
calling himself The Crimson Bolt
continued last night
when he sent 42-year-old
Gerard Mavin to the hospital
with a fractured collarbone.
Fuck.
Check this shit out.
Witnesses say this unusual criminal
who wears a superhero costume
attacked Mavin without provocation.
A lot of people in this city
are finding this situation amusing.
But it's not a big leap
for a psychopath to go
from serial beatings
to serial murders.
The DPD has asked for your help
in finding The Crimson Bolt.
He's described as a muscular Caucasian,
about 6'5" with dark eyes.
Anyone with information please call...
Fuck.
Must be some sort of sex thing
with this motherfucker, huh?
What?
No.
I mean, I don't know.
Doesn't even interest me.
First I've heard of it.
What?
Yeah, news to me.
Huh...
How could you not hear it, Frank?
That's all
they been talking about.
This crazy motherfucker
dressed like Superman
is whacking people
with a pipe wrench
all over the city.
Just boom!
You're down.
Maybe they deserve to get whacked.
Deserve it?
Yeah, I heard that the people he's hitting,
they're the real criminals.
You just said
you never heard of him, Frank.
I didn't.
I haven't.
He just said it.
No, he didn't.
I just watched the whole thing with you.
I thought
I heard him say that.
You're like a monkey.
I'm not like a monkey.
Hey, me and Tish
going to the movies tomorrow.
You wanna meet us there?
No, I got stuff to do.
What, Frank?
What?
What do you gotta do?
Nothing.
Good, then you can get there early,
hold a place for us in line, okay?
Come on. Come on.
Okay.
I'll take you to the movies,
all right?
My treat.
Shake it off, all right?
Got to get out more, baby.
Always kissing me.
Weird.
Order up.
Three, please.
I beg...
If I could just...
Oh, come on!
Oh, no, he didn't.
Why do people have to do that?
We've been waiting here forever.
I mean, it's important
that you realize that
there's, like,
a sailor's hat involved.
Like an actual-
Sailor's hat?
Hey, excuse me.
Hey!
No butts.
What difference does it make to you?
Yeah, man.
No butting in line.
Go to the back of the line now.
Yeah.
Go fuck yourself.
Fuck yourself.
Yeah.
Like, you know,
this big handsome guy back here,
he looks like fucking shit.
Literally, what's wrong
with his face?
I don't know
if it's flat or wide or-
Anyway...
Mommy.
Annie, come on.
Don't butt!
Who do you think you're fooling?
I just saw you...
crunch!
Oh, my God!
- Oh, God!
Oh, no!
- Wait...
Oh, God!
Get off him!
What the hell
are you doing, you...
You butted too!
Oh, God, Stop him!
Someone stop him!
Hey.
Have you seen this?
It's weird.
What?
It's just what we talked about last week.
I mean, you have to admit,
remember?
No.
A guy who...
can I just...
Can I come back there?
What?
Can I just come back there with you?
We're friends, so...
No.
I'll wear those plastic gloves.
Kitchen door's right there,
sweetheart.
Maybe she's fixing
to ask you to prom, Frank.
I don't know her.
I mean, come on.
Remember?
No.
His name is The Crimson Bolt.
And he just...
like, he just uses a wrench
as a weapon.
I mean, somebody did it.
Somebody became a real one.
That sounds like a crazy man.
I'm Libby, by the way.
Hello.
Don't go making some joke
about "Libby's on your label,"
'cause it just...
it pisses me off.
What's your name?
Frank.
Oh, man.
I hope you'll be frank with me.
I hope you'll continue to be frank
in all of our future discussions.
Wait.
You just asked me
to not make fun of your name,
and then you just
made fun of my name.
I got something for you.
What is it?
You should come.
It's gonna be rad.
Lots of really awesome people.
Are you him?
What?
Are you the guy?
Are you this guy?
No.
It's okay if you are.
No, I'm not him.
No.
It's cool.
I hate when people butt.
I got a lot of work to do.
We're really busy right now.
Put your hands
behind your head, you freak!
Frank Darbo.
Detective John Felkner.
Hello.
You filed a report with me a couple weeks ago.
You mind if I come inside for a sec?
Inside the house?
It's just a bit chilly.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, thanks.
So you filed that report.
Now, you and I came together
to the conclusion
that your wife wasn't kidnapped,
and she left you.
Is there something in there?
What?
Is that a basement?
That's a closet.
You just keep looking over there.
No, I...
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
No.
There's nothing in there.
All right.
There's a dog in there.
A dog?
Yeah.
You keep him in the closet?
I'm afraid he'll bite someone.
Oh, no, you don't have
to worry about that with me.
I'm a dog person.
That's who he likes to bite the most.
Dog people.
Thank you for coming.
You're quite an intense fellow, there, Frank.
If you wouldn't mind
signing this...
It basically just cancels out the charges.
I forgot to do it last time.
Captain is going through
the change of life.
She had a conniption fit.
Just sign right here.
There we go.
All right.
Thank you, Frank.
I'll let you get back to...
whatever it was you were doing.
God...
Did you really call me
to be The Crimson Bolt,
or was that just in my head?
I don't want to go to prison
and be butt-raped
and work in the library,
rolling those carts around
and handing out magazines
for the rest of my life.
Isn't violence
against the Bible?
God, please...
Give me a sign that I should
continue being The Crimson Bolt.
Or if I should
just throw everything away
before it's too late.
I'll even turn myself in,
if that's what
you want me to do.
But please,
don't want me to do that.
Okay, did you just say
throw it all away,
or was that just me thinking
throw it all away?
Okay, I'm gonna
throw it all away.
If you don't want me to,
please, give me a sign.
Maybe you could
make something float.
Okay.
Easy turns with minimal effort...
That's right, Holly.
This is the gun that Demonswill used
to spread his lust dust
over the school,
the very same lust dust
that caused you and Jimmy
to dress in these provocative outfits
and download those pornographic
images on your computer.
I'm so stupid.
Sex is a sacred act
that should only take place
within a loving marriage.
No doubt.
My virginity is something
to be proud of.
I'm gonna have
these nipple rings
taken out tomorrow.
And to think I missed
the field hockey game
all because Jim and I
were heavy-petting.
Thank goodness we didn't do more.
If only the two of you
would have had
premarital sexual intercourse,
then I would have won,
and you would be
damned to hell forever.
But they didn't have
intercourse, Demonswill.
You see, no matter
how much peer pressure
Holly and Jimmy were under
to do what society
said was right,
they knew in their hearts,
they couldn't throw away
what Jesus
had called on them to do.
Fudge.
Toby, Toby, be careful, man.
And I don't want nothing missing.
So you want something missing?
What?
You just said a double negative, Abe.
You don't want nothing missing.
That means you want something missing.
Hey, these people,
this Range guy ain't gonna fuck around.
You know how hard it was
to get this shit
into this country?
I know.
- Well, good!
That hurt, Abe.
Okay, baby.
Thanks, brother.
Well, it all looks good.
I can tell you that.
Definitely.
You ready for this?
Okay, so this is kind of like
hitting the champagne bottle
off the side of the boat, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Yeah, baby.
How do you feel?
Good?
Is that good?
That's good.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you.
Oh, my beautiful angel.
You are so delicious.
What the fuck is that?
Face the wrath of The Crimson Bolt!
That's Sarah's husband, man.
That's him.
Fuck, he saw everything.
Go get him.
Go get him!
Go on!
Go, go, go, go!
Come back here,
motherfucker!
There.
You can't hide, Frank!
You're dead!
Go!
I got him!
I got him!
This place is pretty cool.
You know what I'm saying?
Libby, somebody's here!
Libby!
She's such a whore.
I swear.
Hang on just a second.
Libby, some guy who looks
like a bum is at the front door.
His name's Frank.
- Frank.
Frank?
Frank!
Why are you wearing
garbage bags?
I need to talk to you.
Oh, okay.
Hey, everybody,
this is Frank.
No. No. Please.
Frank, Molly.
Okay.
- Christian.
Hey, what's up?
And Melissa.
Will, Grant.
Hello.
- Brian and Steve.
Pleasure to meet you, sir.
That is Mr. Jake hiding over there.
Okay, okay.
Listen.
I need to talk to you.
It's important.
Please.
Well, let's go back
to my bedroom.
No, Christian.
What?
They're after me.
And I was shot.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Lib, babe,
you okay?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
You're him.
I knew it.
This is so cool.
This is so fucking-
Are you gonna die?
I don't think so.
We got to clean this up.
I mean, we can't take you to the hospital
because this is a gunshot wound.
They'd have to call the police.
I mean, it's the law.
It's the law.
I know.
Take off your pants.
No.
Then I'd be in my underwear.
Look, just do it.
It's inappropriate.
I'll get them out of here.
I won't say a thing.
My God.
My hand is trembling.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
See you.
Bye.
Libby, are you sure
you want to be here alone
with this guy?
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's good.
It's... something really important
came up.
So I'm just gonna
deal with it.
Yeah. You go.
Yeah.
All right, good night.
Okay, Christian,
you gotta go.
Okay, who is that guy?
Is that your sugar daddy?
I don't have to tell you anything.
You don't have to tell me anything?
No.
- Okay, fine.
Well, you enjoy that candy
that your sugar daddy buys you.
Oh, I will.
Wait.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna get the bullet out.
No.
It's clean.
It passed clean through.
No-no-no,
but there's particles-
Just...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
I should have
used ibuprofens.
I was gonna use ibuprofens.
How were you gonna use ibuprofens?
What were you gonna do with them?
I'll wrap it.
I'm gonna wrap it.
Here.
No, I'll do it.
I can...
Let me do it.
So am I the only one
that knows you're him?
Yeah.
No, the guys who shot me,
they know.
They know your secret identity?
Fuck!
Yeah.
And where I live.
You can stay here.
Thank you.
No, I was there.
You told me you weren't there
when Robbie was shot.
I was there maybe for a minute, not much.
A minute?
- Yeah.
It doesn't take a minute to get shot.
I know, I know, but it was like,
the guy was running out...
Holy crap.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Hello?
Welcome home, Frank.
Thud!
That's not him, you guys.
Then why did you shoot, man?
You shot!
I saw you move your finger.
You're gonna try
to blame this on me.
That's fucking evil, man!
Would you shut up?
He's a cop?
I just did what he did, Abe.
If the cops are after Darbo,
and he saw the dope in...
Yeah, I know.
So can we get the body
out of here, huh?
Move it.
Thanks, Hamilton.
I will.
Okay.
Good-bye.
Hey, Frank?
I told the diner that I had pneumonia.
You sure it's okay
if I stay here?
Yeah, yeah.
I want to show you something.
What?
So what do you think?
Cartwheels.
Well, you see...
you see what
I'm getting at here.
No.
Batman had Robin.
The original Human Torch
had Toro.
The Flash had Kid Flash.
I could be
your kid sidekick.
How old are you?
Well, I'm 22, you know.
But compared to you, I'm a one.
I'm a kid, right?
I guess.
Right, now, look.
The most important thing,
obviously, is the name.
All right.
And you got to think of it
like how it sounds
with The Crimson Bolt.
All right?
So, um...
Okay.
The Crimson Bolt and Bolt Girl.
The Crimson Bolt and Kid Crimson.
The Crimson Bolt and The Creeping Bam.
What's a creeping bam?
What's a toro?
What the fuck is a robin?
A robin is bird.
Why is he named after a bird?
Because he...
he's loyal.
Frank, The Creeping Bam
is just this, like,
fantastic phrase,
you know?
And I wasn't gonna tell you before,
but it's my favorite.
Oh, it's very good.
You're lying.
I don't need a kid sidekick.
Are you kidding me?
No.
Look what happens to you
when you don't have a kid sidekick.
You get shot by people.
Frank, you team up with me,
and I swear to fucking God
that we will take those cocksuckers down
that stole your wife.
Frank?
Yeah?
Are you ready?
Yeah.
May I present to you...
Boltie!
That's inappropriate.
How do I look?
It's good.
All right, Frank.
Let's do this.
Let's go get
this Jock fucker.
No.
They have guns.
We're not ready yet.
Well, we can fight some other crime.
You know, you can show me how to do it.
You can give me the one-two.
No, my leg isn't healed yet.
Frank, don't be a pussy!
Come on!
I should do something about this.
You know what?
I'm gonna get some snacks.
So this is what you do?
Yeah.
You just sit here
and wait for crime to happen?
That's right.
This is so boring.
We gotta find a criminal,
you know?
We gotta go out there,
and we gotta find a criminal.
We gotta teach them a lesson
that they'll never forget.
Like who?
Well, like this guy Jerry.
He keyed my friend's car.
I mean, he completely just...
he just fucked the side of it right up.
That's not cool.
No, it is not.
And it is illegal.
And he never paid the price.
Are you Jerry?
Halloween was,
like, a month ago, bro.
That's him.
Yeah, Frank!
Yeah, get him, Frank!
Fucking cocksucker!
Ow, my arm!
Frank, it's just like
when you got shot!
Oh, my God,
my face!
No, no, stop!
No! Stop! No, please!
Boltie, no!
- Stop, stop, stop.
We did it!
We did it!
We totally
fucking beat evil!
You're not supposed to kill him!
Oh, and then he'd never
key a car again, would he?
A brand-new fucking Jetta,
Frank.
Melissa loved that car.
Don't say that.
What, Frank?
- Don't!
Stop saying...
He really keyed your friend's car?
Yeah.
Yeah, pretty sure it was him.
Frank!
What?
I didn't know
I wasn't supposed to kill him.
I mean, I'm just learning.
You have to teach me these things.
How am I supposed to tell crime to shut up
if I have to shut up?
Look, I know!
But I'm just trying to help!
That's what it's all about for me,
being a kid sidekick,
helping people.
That's helping people?
And he was evil!
He was so fucking evil!
And you won't believe me,
Frank!
Frank, what does this mean?
Does this mean that I'm fired?
Yes.
Who are you gonna get to be Boltie?
I don't need a Boltie.
God, you're so shallow,
Frank.
I need gas.
This is lame.
Frank, I'm in my underwear.
Frank, this isn't cool.
My grandmother or a corpse?
Right, who would you rather fuck?
Like, if somebody
pointed a gun to your head
and you had to choose?
Who would do that?
That's not the point.
See, like,
I'd do my grandma
'cause at least she got a working pussy.
You want smokes?
That's the guy.
Frank?
Come on, man!
What you doing?
Yeah, 911?
Get off!
Fuck you, Frank.
What is going on?
Run!
He's got a gun!
That's what you get
for fucking with
The Crimson Bolt and Boltie,
you stupid cocksucker!
And now your legs are gone.
Watch out.
Come on.
Oh, you too.
It's called internal bleeding,
fucker!
And then you die!
Get in!
You tell everyone you know
that any time some stupid fucking bastard
wants to commit some gay-ass crime,
that Crimson Bolt and Boltie
are gonna be there
to crush their little fucking evil heads in!
The Boltmobile
is kind of fucked up.
I hope they didn't see the license plate.
Hey, Frank.
What?
I saved your life.
I could have handled it.
Yeah, of course.
You're fucking awesome, Frank.
Hey, you want to be my sidekick,
no cussing.
Right.
No, I agree.
Does that mean I'm not fired anymore?
We need to get Jock,
but we need better weapons.
I could get claws like Wolverine.
Yeah.
And then I could cut open people's faces.
Yeah, but only people
that had actually broken the law.
Oh, come on, that Jerry thing
was a one-time thing.
I mean,
I wasn't thinking.
It was a complete mistake.
My head just ran away
with my mind,
and I lost control,
and there I was
with that rodeo statue,
and it wasn't my fault.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
I just got so bored behind that dumpster.
Maybe you just need to be bored sometimes.
Yeah, but you don't see them
getting bored in comic books.
That's what happens in between the panels.
In between the panels.
Is that where we are right now?
We could do anything here.
Frank?
What?
Do you want to make out?
What?
With me.
Libby...
I am married.
That is a sacred bond.
And you,
you are my kid sidekick.
Yeah...
Yeah, I know.
I just thought we could celebrate.
So bake a cake.
Public opinion has turned of late
in regard to the costumed man
known as The Crimson Bolt.
At least five of
The Crimson Bolt's assault victims
had felony arrest records,
ranging from soliciting drugs
to child molestation to homicide.
Was the law enforcement
community rash
in naming The Crimson Bolt
a menace?
The guy in the mask
was definitely defending himself.
Thank God The Crimson Bolt showed up.
God, the man just attacked me.
He was gonna rape me.
We're talking about
a severely disturbed individual
running around the city wearing a mask
and assaulting people.
Bad people.
Helping The Crimson Bolt is his new partner,
a young woman
known only as Boltie.
Police are still offering
a reward for the capture...
Oh, my God, it's me!
It's me!
Of the two would-be crime fighters.
I always knew that I would be
on TV some day, Frank.
I just had a feeling.
Watch this.
Where did you learn
to make a projectile thingy?
Jesus, what are these things?
I don't know if I'm doing it right,
but if I am... bombs.
Hey, Frank.
Frank, are you awake?
Why are you wearing your costume?
Can we go fight some crime?
I'm sleeping.
Please?
No.
Hey, Frank.
Do I look good in my costume?
Yeah.
I need to sleep, Libby.
Come on.
What is going on?
What are you...
what is that supposed to be?
That's weird.
Frank.
Look, I know
you can't make out with me.
But can The Crimson Bolt
make out with Boltie?
What?
The Crimson Bolt's not
married to Sarah; Frank is.
Right?
No, Libby.
Oh, come on.
Stop it, Libby.
Oh, Frank, ever since you've been here,
I can't do it
with any other guys.
No.
And when was the last time
you did anything?
Come on, just this once, Frank.
No.
I know you like how I look in my costume.
I can tell.
Don't be a fucking liar, Frank.
Oh, my God, Frank.
Just look,
just for a second.
No.
Frank, come on.
It's all gushy.
Libby, what are you...
You're...
- What are you doing?
No, put this on.
Stop it.
Get off of me!
Put this on forjust a second.
No.
Just for a second, Frank.
No!
- Just for a second.
No!
What are you doing?
No.
Inside!
Oh, no.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Let me see your mask.
I love the way you look
in your mask.
I'm gonna come!
We need to go get Sarah.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was sleepwalking.
I had no idea.
And-
It doesn't matter.
We need to go.
You said we weren't ready.
We'll never be ready.
That's the whole point.
Nobody's ever ready
for anything.
You eitherjust do it,
or you don't.
And up until now,
I've only been not doing it.
But what if they kill you?
That's their business.
Who are those guys?
Maybe we picked
the wrong night to do this.
Do you think?
- Mr. Range.
So good to see you, sir.
I'd like to place
a couple of my men out here.
Oh, we've got plenty of guys
posted out here.
A few more.
Oh, oh, this vest thing is heavy.
Let me rest.
No, come on.
Right this way, sir.
This is, you know,
the living room.
Hey, can I get you
anything at all,
anything to drink
or something to eat, a smoke?
No, thank you.
Show him.
Oh, yeah, that's money.
And who are these young ladies, Jac-quez?
Oh, well, you know me,
Mr. Range, always one
for facilitating friendships.
I just thought
you might like some company
while your boys
did their work.
And what is your name, sweetheart?
Oh, that's just Sarah.
She's, you know...
Sarah.
Very pretty girl.
Maybe you want to go upstairs
and have a little party
with Mr. Range.
No.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Jacques, baby, this guy
is really bothering me.
Oh, no, Sarah, honey,
it's okay.
Mr. Range is a-
he's a nice guy.
He just wants to, you know,
show you something.
What do you mean?
It's okay.
I have the finest brown.
I mean, if the guys start thinking
your girlfriend's a whore,
it's time to move on,
right?
Yeah, right.
You're a jerk.
What the fuck!
Dude, don't fucking touch me.
No!
Get the fuck off!
No! No!
No!
- Yeah!
Hey, over here.
I'm a little bird.
No, no!
No!
No!
Please!
No! Please!
You're that dipshit from the news.
What's in your hand,
you fucking retard?
Boom!
Oh, man!
What the fuck was that?
Frank, the bombs worked!
The bombs,
they really worked!
Frank!
Libby?
Did you get him?
Yeah, I got him.
Hey, he's up!
Fuck.
What the fuck?
It's him.
He's back.
Who's him?
Who's him?
It's Darbo!
What?
We'll get him.
Wait! Whoa, whoa!
Oh, hey, hey, Mr. Range,
how you doing, man?
Everything's fine.
Totally under control.
What is it?
It's just, this joker's running around,
calling himself The Crimson Bolt.
You called the goddamn Crimson Bolt on me?
No-no-no-no...
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Pack up, Tim.
- Yes, sir.
No, no, no, no.
Hey, come on. Come on.
It's just this crazy guy.
I mean, it's funny.
Right, Abe?
Yeah.
I don't want to die.
No, he's just some guy whose wife I boned.
Come on.
You can't do this to me.
I spent a lot of fucking time
setting this up, all right?
Mr. Range.
Mr. Range, sir.
Please, will you listen to me,
you fucking asshole?
Move!
Give me this fucking thing.
- Whoa!
Nobody can blame me for this.
All right?
I mean,
we had a fucking deal.
I'm just doing what's fair.
He's up there now.
God, dude,
this shit is messed up.
Oh, shut up, man.
If that motherfucker gets in here, Abe,
I swear to God, you're fired.
Sarah!
Here, you want her?
Here, take her.
There you go, fuckhead.
She's yours.
You win.
Hey, I didn't do that
to her face, by the way.
That was that fat nigger
down there,
but I took care of him,
all right.
Guess that kind of like, what,
makes me, like, your assistant
or something now, right?
Anyway, take her.
Sarah.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, pumpkin.
I mean, what are you thinking?
You think you're some kind of fucking hero?
Hey, who the fuck
do you think you're kidding?
You fucking stupid son of a bitch.
This is not about good and evil.
This is about,
I had her, and you didn't.
This is about,
she loved me more
because I am fucking interesting.
Shut up, crime.
What are you gonna do?
You gonna execute me for my sins?
Don't think you're better than me,
you fucking psycho.
You fucking almost kill people
for butting into line.
You don't butt in line!
You don't sell drugs!
You don't molest
little children!
You don't profit on the misery of others!
The rules were set a long time ago.
They don't change!
All right,
just take her, then!
Take her!
You really think that killing me,
stabbing me to death,
is gonna change the world?
I can't know that for sure...
unless I try.
No.
No!
No, Frank!
Frank!
So maybe you think
something's wrong with me.
Maybe you thought I was gonna learn
what Jacques said was true,
that I was deluded...
That I was as evil
as the rest of them.
But maybe you're the one
who needs to learn something.
I know how it looks.
But sometimes how it looks
and how it is
are two different things.
The truth was in my heart.
I followed it...
You okay?
And I saved Sarah.
She stayed with me
a couple months.
They were not bad times.
Though, they were most likely
out of Sarah's sense of obligation.
But one morning,
she moved on.
I thought it was me at the time,
that I was the chosen one,
but it was Sarah all along.
And that's why I needed to save her.
She needed to finish school,
to study anthropology,
because Sarah knows something about people.
We're not able to even feel
the love that...
She needed to go back to her meetings,
where she had insights
that struck others uniquely.
"FINE" means,
"Fucked up, Insecure,
Neurotic, and Emotional. "
And sometimes she needed to have nightmares
of those ugly times at Jacques' ranch.
Because a kind man,
a man who was good
and didn't know it,
needed to learn how to comfort someone.
And maybe most of all,
Sarah needed to have
Patrick and Trevor and Laura and Joy,
four children who probably
wouldn't be at all
if Libby and I hadn't gone
to Jacques' ranch that night.
Maybe,
if all of us are lucky,
they're the ones
who are gonna change the world.
And me?
Well, I got that rabbit after all.
That,
and something much more.
Sweet Jesus.
Bathe my hand in the power of God.