That may just be baby talk,
but, Stan...
...look at them and tell me
they're not communicating.
Honey, this is a big day.
When you're in business with Biscane
Broadcasting, you've hit the big time.
- Hello?
- Honey, did you hear anything I said?
- Yes, of course I heard you.
- What did I say?
What'd you say?
I said, don't you think
the babies are communicating?
Honey, where's my jacket?
Hello. Yeah.
Hi, is this Biscane Broadcasting?
Hi, this is Stan Bobbins.
No, not Dan. Stan.
Oh, and those World War II
rescue missions?
What kind of milk you drinking?
- What?
- A baby...
...who can perform
superhuman feats...
...communicate to both
babies and adults...
...and defend the children
of the world.
That creates a paradox
which defies rational elucidation.
In English, Finkleman.
I think he's saying
you're full of...
- Sorry.
- What kind of milk you drinking, Alex?
And you're trying to tell us...
...that this Kahuna is related to both
you and your cousins Sly and Whit?
Oh, whoa. Wait a minute.
What don't you understand?
Look, sit back and let me
tell you another story...
...about the legendary Kahuna
and his archenemy, Captain Kane.
This one happened
a long, long time ago...
...in East Berlin in 1962.
You know, the Berlin Wall
and all that stuff?
Now, we've heard
about all kinds of superheroes.
Superman, Superwoman,
Superthis, Superthat.
And they always do super things
and save everybody.
But this is the story
of a real superhero...
...a little boy who looks
after the children of the world.
All the children.
Showtime.
Locking in four-wheel drive.
Kahuna's archenemy, Captain Kane,
had dreams of controlling the world.
And he did all kinds
of bad things.
- My dear Petrov.
- Captain Kane.
Always a pleasure to see you.
- To our work.
- To our work.
It's wonderful what you do here,
saving orphaned children.
I have a soft spot
for the gentle laughter of babies.
Kane knew if he could control
children, he could control the world.
He captured children trying
to escape through the Berlin Wall...
...and sent them to his secret
camps all over East Germany.
Capturing orphaned children?
If you think the Kahuna was
about to let Kane get away with that...
...think again.
If there were ever children who
needed his help, these were them.
I'm scared, Peter.
It's okay, Greta.
We'll find a way out of this.
That could've hurt someone.
- It's a boy.
- It's a boy?
- It's what?
- Who're you?
Name's Kahuna,
and I'm busting you kids out of here.
He's saving us. He's saving us.
All right, let's go.
This tunnel leads to the courtyard
of the U.S. Embassy.
Go straight to Ambassador Clark.
Tell him Kahuna sent you.
- Thank you, Mr. Kahuna.
- Just doing my job, miss.
- Greta, hurry.
- You did good, kid.
Good luck.
Mobilize every soldier
in the compound...
...and secure the perimeter.
Kahuna must not escape.
Search this building.
All sectors.
Sergeant, send four units
ahead to the Wall.
Seal off the compound.
Find those brats. I want Kahuna.
Hey, prissy pants, don't wet
yourself. I'm right here.
So we meet again...
...my little archenemy.
- You better watch it, Kane.
- Those things'll kill you.
- And those things...
...will give you cavities.
That's okay,
I've still got my baby teeth.
It's the end of the road for you.
- Don't I get one last word?
- That's a little clich, don't you think?
But I'm intrigued.
What is your last word?
Duck.
"Duck" is your last word?
"Duck. "
Duck!
My leg. His machine
has damaged my leg.
Get him!
- What are you waiting for?
- Bottle!
Get him before he...
No! Too late.
You see? You see?
I told you. It's too late.
Now it's over. No.
Look at that. I warned you.
It's playtime.
One potato, two potato,
three potato, four.
Five potato, six potato,
seven potato, more.
Didn't your mothers tell you
not to play with guns?
I'll do it.
I'll finish you off.
One day I will be... I will destroy
you if it takes me forever.
And then Kahuna utilized
his turbojet propulsion...
...and jumped that Mustang
right over the Berlin Wall.
A Mustang G T at the Berlin Wall...
- ... back in the '60s?
- Man, you tripping, Archie.
That's how the Kahuna saved
the orphans of East Berlin.
Any questions? Rosita?
Still not convinced, Finkleman?
Cool it, Archie. It's your mom
and dad. Act like babies.
- Somebody pick up the phone.
- Are you having a good day?
- Is that Daniel and Jasmine?
- Jean, I...
- Hi, guys.
- I don't know why you're opposed.
This will put Bobbins' World
on the map.
Allowing a huge satellite
network access to this facility...
...and using kids
as marketing subjects...
...it's everything we stand against.
- It's about marketing.
Bobbins' World will be
the McDonald's of daycare.
Great. We'll be known as McBaby.
Honey, this is new territory for you...
...maybe you should talk
to Dan first.
He's out of the country working
for UNICEF.
Besides, I'm running
Bobbins' World now. Okay?
I don't need to run to big brother Dan,
the baby guru, for help.
Archie's father could give him
a bit more attention sometimes.
Who needs that junk? Better he learn
up-front that it's a cold, cruel world...
...and you gotta tough it out on your
own. Heck, I don't need nobody.
Ever consider sensitivity training?
I am gonna... Okay, I am
gonna turn Bobbins' World...
...into the biggest chain
of daycare centers in the world.
Man, I'm hungry. Yo, Mrs. B,
girl needs a snack!
For the last time, Rosita, the adults
don't understand our language.
To attract their attention,
one must speak...
...in the only baby language
they seem to comprehend.
Which is?
Oh, yeah. Crying.
Here we go.
I need to ask you a question
about the big-screen monitor.
Honey the kids are hungry.
Michelle, bring some bottles.
Sharon, can you get some bottles
here? Thank goodness.
Works every time.
My leg. This leg
is always killing me.
- Tell them to get away.
- Not now.
Mr. Biscane, Mr. Bobbins.
- Pleasure.
- Dan?
It's Stan.
He likes you.
I like him.
Okay, sweeties,
today is Wednesday...
...which means we have
a very special guest for storytime.
That's right, kiddies.
My name's Kylie, sweetheart. Hey.
I don't like to brag about her, even
though she is an honor student...
...the most beautiful girl in school and
the president of the literature club.
Oh, Archie. Come on.
Come on, Finkie. Come and sit down.
We are gonna read
about Cinderella.
Once upon a time, a lovely
young girl named Cinderella...
...lived in a grand mansion with
her stepmother and two stepsisters.
Kylie reads with passion. The words
literally dance right off the page.
- Looks like someone's in love.
- Peasant.
Finkleman and Kylie
Sitting in a tree
K- I-S-S-I-N-G
Knock it off, you mugs.
The lady's trying to work.
What are you guys
blabbering about?
Oh, they're not babbling.
They're talking.
I just wish we could understand
what they're talking about.
Mr. Bill Biscane.
The chairman of Biscane
Satellite Systems.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
We are here to celebrate the future.
Not a future of flying cars
and spaceships.
The real future is in the hands
of one group. Our children.
I have a soft spot for
the gentle laughter of babies.
- What did he say?
- And so it is my greatest pleasure...
...to announce the launch
of the largest children's network...
...in television history.
It will be delivered...
...via the new Biscane Telespace
And we call this network
Kidz Everywhere.
We will take input from the children
themselves, making this the first...
...true interactive network
by kids for kids.
- It's him. It's Biscane.
- Sadly...
...Dan Bobbins
cannot be here with us.
We have, on behalf
of Bobbins' World...
...Dan Bobbins' half brother,
Stanley.
Mr. Bobbins?
- I'm his real brother.
- Doesn't matter.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
This has been a dream of mine
for quite a while now and...
It's coming together now. I can finally
see your plan in all its magnificence...
As I've told you
many times before...
...I will win,
even if it takes forever.
That's Captain Kane,
from Berlin.
Sweetie, what're you doing in here?
Looking out at all the exciting things?
You should get
with the other kids. Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if I may have your attention...
Oh, my gosh, guys.
Biscane. I think he's Kane!
Sometimes, Archie, I think all you
do is blurt out the first thing...
...that pops into your mind.
- I'm not a brain baby.
I'm a baby of action.
All right, maybe it's not him.
Anyway, Biscane, I don't like him.
What are we gonna do
about this Biscane?
- No fear, Finkie's here.
- Quentin Finkleman...
...you're just the guy I'm looking for.
- Okay then, what's our plan this time?
We're not supposed to be here.
I'm getting sick to my stomach.
Okay, Finkleman, you're
the computer geek. Now what?
- I prefer the term "computer artisan. "
- Whatever.
All right, all right.
Type in "Bill Biscane. "
Ignore the official sites
for Biscane Broadcasting...
...or anything like that.
There's usually some rogue ones.
You know, anti-corporate sites.
- What's wrong with you, Finkleman?
- I feel faint.
- You're always scared.
- Look!
See what it says up there?
Criminal!
Biscane. It says he's
a corporate criminal.
Are you crazy?
That's just website spam.
Red alert!
It's Biscane's flunkies!
- What do we do?
- Run!
- Come on, Fink.
- Wait, don't leave me!
Oh, no!
Come on.
This building wasn't up to code.
- Meaning?
- I couldn't possibly do it...
You have until tomorrow
to do what's necessary.
- That's impossible.
- People.
We won't have a problem
with building inspectors.
Mr. Biscane has paid
off thousands of petty bureaucrats...
...from here to New York.
What have I done?
- What was that?
- It's a baby.
And he overheard
everything we said.
What's he gonna do,
call the FBI?
Get him. He knows something.
- Tell us what you know.
- Oh, no.
Hey, pock face.
It's him! It's the Kahuna!
I knew he'd come!
- Pick on somebody half your size.
- I knew it.
Who the heck are you?
Your worst nightmare.
A small fry with a big attitude.
Have a seat.
You a gambling man?
Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.
Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.
That was fun. But we gotta run.
See you.
- Find that brat.
- That was Kahuna.
I knew he'd come.
That was Kahuna.
- I'm sorry that we panicked.
- I thought for sure you'd be a goner.
Yeah, I was until
the Kahuna saved me.
Archie, this is getting serious.
You believe me,
don't you, Rosita?
I believe Kahuna
was with you, in spirit.
You'd best have a talk
with your inner adult.
Inner adult.
- What about my computer?
- A new one will be here.
- We'll take care of everything.
- A wig.
That's gotta be Kahuna's disguise.
The kids will be out of the way when
your men are working tomorrow.
- Don't worry about that.
- Poor Archie.
Yeah. He's got serious
abandonment issues.
- We all have issues.
- Speak for yourself, brain boy.
I just mean that you quite
possibly have aggression issues...
...which may be tied
to a theme of mistrust...
...and, ultimately, fear of love.
- I don't have aggression issues.
Don't make me pound
on you to prove it.
Okay, Mrs. Tyson,
don't bite my ear off.
Brandon.
Brandon, thanks so much for
coming by. This is so cool of you.
I was pretty sure
I know why you called.
- So I got here right away.
- Okay, here it goes.
I know the guy usually asks...
It's cool. I was gonna
ask you anyway.
I mean, everyone knows
what a brainiac you are.
- Even the coach said so.
- Brainiac?
You know, I've gotta, like, make
a C-average to play football.
And I felt kind of weird asking
you to tutor me so...
...I'm glad you're asking me first.
- Tutor you. Right.
- You don't have any plans, right?
- No. No plans.
Cool.
Jerk. I hate jocks.
Three thousand dollars for books.
Uncle Stan, can I walk the kids
over to the children's museum?
No. Go ahead, Kylie.
They'll probably love it.
Kylie?
- Hey, you okay?
- I just need to get out for a while.
- Nothing short of a miracle.
- That's what Biscane's paying for.
Quit the jabbering,
give me the blooming disk.
- Thirty million dollars' worth.
- Try 60.
Look out.
You got them?
God, that was close.
Stupid girl!
Hope it's all right.
- What?
- Nothing. Nothing.
Oh, my God, it's gone.
Without that disk, we're sunk.
I could feel Kylie's heart shatter
into a million pieces.
- Poor Kylie.
- Man, if that were me...
...I would've popped him
in the kisser.
We have a problem.
Oh, no, I'm getting nauseous again.
- Go on, mister.
- Go on.
Go on. What do you want?
I don't know what's going on. We
gotta get out of here. Hold on, kids.
Fasten your seatbelts.
This might be a bumpy ride.
What do you want?
Leave us alone!
- What...
- The...
Heck?
It's the Kahuna.
Let's even the odds,
shall we, boys? Bottle up.
It's the Kahuna!
I told you he's real.
Oh, my God.
I love him!
It truly is the Kahuna.
- Who are you? What are you?
- No time for small talk.
- We gotta boogie, little lady.
- Boogie? Okay, but this is nuts.
Scan engine specs.
Mold ignition key.
- Okay, what is going on?
- Key ready.
All right. Let's go.
Warning: Objects in mirror
are stupider than they appear.
Metal to the pedal.
Oops, forgot something.
No, I didn't.
See you.
Wouldn't wanna be you.
I will control the minds
of the children...
...through their own television sets.
A mind-control pulse will come
through Muggles the Frog.
Muggles doesn't look like a frog.
He looks like a zucchini.
This is irritating.
As irritating as a...
What is it, Crowe?
Good news, I hope?
The attempt to recover the disk...
It was unsuccessful.
This is not good news.
Where is the girl now?
- She escaped.
- Escaped?
- You're not going to believe this.
- Try me.
My men report that
she was spirited away...
...by some sort of mini...
- Kahuna.
Kahuna is here.
- Suddenly I'm feeling weak.
- Let's sit down.
- Sir.
- Get me something.
- What can I get you, sir?
- Soda pop.
- Diet or regular?
- What's the difference?
Feel my head. Is it hot?
Is it cold? Tell me the truth.
- You're perfectly normal.
- Normal?
You're not a real doctor.
Where's my soda pop?
Get me my globe.
I don't want this umbrella.
I'm a sick man.
Then you did a bunch of back flips,
then you waded in garbage cans...
...and you kicked them. Then you put
that garbage can on the guy's head.
And then you did karate moves.
And then you got them all tied up...
...and then you spun them
around a bunch.
Then that guy tried to hit you, and
he hit the other goon by accident.
Then you knocked them down
and ran up that wall like Spider-Man.
That was cool. You saved us.
And they were afraid of you.
Those goons were afraid of you.
You saved us.
We're related, you know. Part of the
Bobbins' World, along with my dad...
...and my cousins Sly and Whit. I bet
I know why you're here. It's Biscane.
- He's Kane.
- This has to be a dream.
Your archenemy, right? I knew it.
What's it like to have super
strengths and super gadgets...?
Easy on the gummy bears.
The sugar's getting to you.
It was Biscane's men
who tried to nab you.
My guess is, he's up to something
with Bobbins' World.
All right, everybody, you can
relax now. You're safe here.
Wow, this is totally off the hook.
All aboard.
- This is your ride?
- Welcome to my playground.
Wow.
Amazing.
- My God.
- This is one bad Batcave.
- Magnificent. A baby utopia.
- This place is the bomb.
It's my world of holograms. We can
create any dream you can dream.
Send in the clowns.
- Wow.
- What is this place?
- Wanna see my pets?
- Yeah. Cool.
- Oh, my God.
- Holograms make great watchdogs...
...and you don't have to feed them.
- Oh no, a bear. A bear.
- It's a bear.
A bear!
And now the king.
Now, is he on a chain?
Tell me he's on a chain.
Come on, Fink, sing with me.
- We're here.
- Wow.
We're here. I have
to see this. Okay, Finkie.
All ashore who's going ashore.
Watch your step, Alex.
- Off we go, Rosita.
- Kylie, me too.
- Come on, Arch.
- Hey, Archie, come over here.
- Wait for me.
- This is cool.
Go take a look around.
You won't believe what you see.
How come you still understand
baby talk?
I never forgot it.
You guys go have fun.
I have work to do.
I imagine you do.
Hello, miss. Care to give the old
Imagination Station a go?
Inside of every child is the ability
to be anything you want.
Believe in yourself,
and the Imagination Station...
...will take care of the rest.
Maybe another time.
But nice accent, Ringo.
- We wanna try it.
- Yeah, can we do it? Can we go?
- We all wanna go, furry-hat man.
- This is a motley little group, isn't it?
Hey, he's cool.
He talks baby.
The four of you, eh? Right.
Hop on in then.
And let your inner dreams soar.
Find the circles.
Stand on the circles.
In you go.
- Let's get this party going.
- Let's go, Ringo.
- Let's do it!
- Okay, boss.
Where's my car seat?
Wait a minute, we ain't strapped in.
We're gonna be launched into space!
Kahuna, are you sure this is safe?
Archie, your hidden strength
is the power of your mind.
You are Brain Boy.
Quentin Finkleman, you have
more strength than you realize.
You are Baby Courageous.
Rosita, as tough as you are,
you have a vast depth of love.
You are Cupid Girl.
Alex, you are brimming
with energy and joy.
You are Bouncing Boy.
Yo, Kahuna, this thing's busted.
What are you talking about?
What do you mean, it's busted?
I'm not smart enough
to be Brain Boy.
And Finkleman sure isn't tough
enough to be Baby Courageous.
And hello, me, Cupid Girl?
That's okay.
I like bouncing.
The only thing I love better than being
left alone is a good right hook.
Maybe it is busted then. Or maybe
the machine's just seeing the real you.
Think about it.
- All right, I'll change it back. Hang on.
- Okay.
Strawberries and cream, madam?
- Coffee and pie?
- Oh, my God.
This place definitely rates a 10
on the weirdness scale.
Milk shake? Banana split?
Anything to suit your fancy, ma'am.
- Beat it!
- I say, tea and biscuits, madam?
Shut up.
Don't open your mouth.
I don't wanna hear one word
out of that plastic face.
I was wrong. This makes 1000
on the weirdness scale.
- It does seem like that sometimes.
- Great, another ghost boy.
I told you guys to beat it.
- Oops, you're real.
- Yeah.
I'm Zack.
I'm confused.
Maybe I can help you here.
You mean he designed
all this himself?
You bet. And he's got places like this
in Switzerland, China and Argentina.
- He really is a superbaby.
- Super Kahuna.
Have a little respect.
The man is over 7 years old.
And this is what we like to call
the Com Center.
It's our global
communications system.
We can talk to anyone
in the world at any time.
Kylie, I see you've met Zack.
- What's that?
- 5:00. Time to check in. Watch this.
- Hey, Whoops, it's me.
- Mr. K.
- Oh, finally.
- Sorry to be so long getting back...
- Is that...?
- Yeah.
I went to the graduation. Remember
the kids we got from Thailand?
- Yeah.
- My goodness.
If you had seen their faces.
They're at Yale. They asked for you.
They love you.
So we'll talk again soon.
You'll call me this time?
- I promise.
- Thank you.
- No problem. Hey, guys, what's up?
- Hey, guys, I got him. K.
- K!
- What's up, buddy?
We wanna let you know,
we checked out that situation for you.
Yes, everything you said was right.
But the kids are 110 percent safe.
- Great, guys.
- Scratches on the tricycle are minor.
We'll fix those.
Tell him about the superhero theme
song we've been writing for you.
- Yeah!
- It's really good!
Cool.
- That was great.
- Mr. K, that's all we have right now.
Next time you call it'll be done,
I promise you.
- But for now, you're the greatest...
- We have the president on line.
- Later, K.
- Bye!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Can you hold for a moment?
- What is it?
- The time.
- My Uncle Stan's gonna freak out.
- Don't worry.
I'm sure he's handling it just fine.
- I'm freaking out.
- Honey, I'm sure they'll be okay.
What is Kylie thinking
taking the children out for so long?
Kylie's very responsible.
Honey, hold this.
Yes?
- Are you Stan Bobbins?
- Yes.
I'm Capt. Baker
of the San Diego Police Department.
We have your niece, your son,
and three other babies here.
Oh, my gosh.
Are they okay?
They're fine. Everything's great.
- Well, what happened?
- Well, apparently they walked too far.
Your niece attempted to get a bus,
but it was a one-way Greyhound...
...and it couldn't stop
until they got to San Diego.
- Hi, Uncle Stan, Aunt Jean.
- Hi, sweetie.
I'll pick them up.
Negative, sir.
You'll never make it in time.
There's a two-tanker pileup
on the 405 Freeway.
We'll put them up
in a hotel tonight.
Under police protection, of course.
And we'll get nannies
to look after the kids.
- Well, I don't know.
- No, no, no.
We'll watch them like a hawk.
I'll drive up in the morning.
It'll be great. It'll be fun,
like a slumber party.
What do you think?
At least we know they're safe.
With traffic shut down,
we won't get there...
...till the middle of the night.
- See you tomorrow.
Good luck on the big premiere,
Uncle Stan.
Thanks, Kylie. Hey, and Kylie...
...I'm glad you're okay.
Bye, Archie. Bye, kids.
- Big kisses.
- Bye, bye.
Good night.
Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy.
Night-night.
Okay, we bought some time.
Now what?
I have to find out what Biscane
is up to with Bobbins' World.
And stop him before it's too late.
I spent 30 million dollars
and 10 years of my life.
So why is my most elaborate
and important operation...
...in danger of being brought down?
Because your men couldn't catch
a teenage girl?
- Yes.
- No!
- No.
- I know who is lurking behind this.
- Who?
- Kahuna.
That makes sense.
I hate this bit.
It's unbelievable.
Here I am on the threshold
of my ultimate dream...
...and as always,
Kahuna seeks to destroy it.
What shall we do?
Hey, Archie. Up here.
- Whoa, what are you doing up there?
- Relaxation, Arch.
It's all about synchronizing the mind
and the body.
Kahuna, where did you get
your powers?
Sorry, kid, it's just a story
I don't like to tell.
Listen, I like you, Archie.
You got guts.
In fact, you remind me of me
when I was a baby.
- Really?
- Really.
Well, I'm gonna prove myself to you.
I'm gonna join your team.
And we can be real superheroes.
Before you take that path,
look at what you'd be leaving behind.
- What, diaper rash?
- The love of your parents.
I didn't have a choice, Arch.
You do.
Come on, now. Time for you and your
baby buddies to get some shuteye.
Good night, Kahuna.
- Good night, Archie.
- Sweet dreams.
- We shall go forward as planned.
- As planned.
But, sir...
...what about Kahuna and the disk?
What about Kahuna and the disk?
We get it back.
I have in my mind...
...developing a little surprise
for Mr. Kahuna.
How do we find him?
We don't know his location.
We don't need to.
- I make it so that he finds me.
- Bravo!
So do you know baby language too?
I can't speak it well,
but I can understand a little bit.
How did you meet Kahuna?
He found me in a Russian orphanage.
I was alone and scared.
My father died, and no one knew
where my mom was.
Why was he there?
He was helping match up parents
with their lost kids.
He tried but could never find
my mom.
That's when he took me in.
Hey, Zack.
How does Kahuna...?
You know.
Help save the world, disarm bad guys,
drive turbo-powered baby buggies?
- Yeah.
- It's quite a story.
Parts I learned from Kahuna.
Some I found out on my own.
Where the facts end
and the legend begins...
...no one really knows for sure.
You see, Kahuna's father
was a scientist.
One of the best. He lived and worked
in a secret American Army base...
...in Germany
after the First World War.
After he saw the horrible conditions
the soldiers suffered during the war...
...he dedicated his time to developing
a kind of super vitamin formula.
A formula to unlock the area
in the brain...
...that gives children
their amazing energy.
The soldiers who lived in harsh
environments, with low food rations...
...would have a better chance
of survival.
But he created something
even more powerful.
A sort of fountain of youth formula...
...which actually stopped
the aging process.
Because Kahuna's father
was widowed...
...he took his sons everywhere.
The babies competed for attention.
Shut up.
Stop crying, you little brat.
Kenny...
...would you be nice
to your little brother?
I've told you this before.
Kahuna's father worried
that the enemy would realize...
...the potential of his formula
and use it for evil purposes.
And he was right.
Ten years later,
Kahuna was stronger...
...smarter and faster
than anyone else.
But he was stuck in the same
little body.
He was like the Peter Pan of babies.
Hey, man, your brother gives
everybody the creeps. He's a freak.
Your brother is a regular
teenage boy. Just like you.
- You always stick up for him.
- His life is hard.
What happened wasn't
your brother's fault, it was mine.
You think he's so smart.
Well, face it.
He's a freak! I can't even relate
to this family.
I feel more German
than I am American.
I should be with people
who appreciate a normal kid!
His father worked so hard to develop
an antidote for Kahuna's condition.
But unfortunately,
he couldn't complete his work.
Take what you were given,
and make something good out of it.
All right?
You may forever have the body
of a child, you know.
But you'll always have the heart
of a hero.
I love you, Daddy.
Although he was now 18 years old...
...nobody believed it.
After six months in the orphanage,
Kahuna realized his true destiny.
He would find a way to help all
the orphans and children of the world.
So in the dark of the night,
Kahuna slipped away.
And a legend was born.
- Wow.
- I'll say.
What about the serum
he drinks from his bottle?
The stuff that turns him
into a superbaby?
It's a natural formula which interacts
with Kahuna's unique physiology.
- Kahuna invented it himself.
- Why?
He realized, long ago, that if
a 2 foot tall superhero...
...were to become the defender of the
weak, he was gonna need an edge.
Now, the whole trick here
is just focus and visualize.
The only thing I can visualize
is me falling on my butt.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- What's this?
- Don't know. Does it have a label?
I'm not sure.
It's got a microdot.
Where'd you get this?
Wait a second. When I bumped into
that Crowe guy, Biscane's flunky...
...maybe it fell into the stroller.
- Maybe.
It could be something.
I'm gonna show it to Kahuna.
Good idea.
Oh, by the way,
what are you doing later?
I'm going home.
Well, I just thought maybe, since
you're leaving after lunch...
...that you and me, we could,
you know...
...go have lunch up outside.
- Like a picnic.
Totally. Yes, like a picnic.
So 11:30 behind the H?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Cool.
I've got a date!
Great. Got a date.
My hair.
At least I got a cool pair of shoes.
I may not be much at this girlie stuff,
but I think I can help her out.
I can help too. I'm very connected
to my feminine side.
- Hi.
- Hey.
What?
- What do you guys want?
- Come, Kylie.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm coming.
Well, you wouldn't believe
the help I had.
Total wow.
- You come up here a lot?
- Yeah, I do.
Try to imagine what's going on
in each of the homes.
Do they have kids, are they being
tucked into bed for the night?
You miss her?
Your mom, I mean.
Well, don't get me wrong,
living with Kahuna's been great.
I wouldn't give it up for anything
in the world.
But, you know, I just wonder,
you know.
What's that?
If you don't know what a kiss is,
I must be doing this wrong.
- No, that.
- Oh, Kahuna.
Zack, the disk you and Kylie found?
- The disk?
- Yeah.
- Get down here right away.
- The disk. Let's go.
- See anything strange?
- Besides a frog in a top hat?
I was talking about this.
Looks like scrambled data.
- What is that?
- I think it's part of the puzzle.
Technically, this activates
a descrambler program.
Similar to the ones used
on TV cable boxes...
...to receive premium channels.
- He is up to something.
Whatever he's planning,
it's going down at Bobbins' World...
...in 30 minutes. I wanna be there.
- What about us?
Oh, no. I'm feeling
nauseous again.
One day, Finkleman...
...you'll find courage
where you least expect it.
Yeah. I was kind of hoping
I'd finally get to smack somebody.
Suit up, Zack. We're going in.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey, Finkie.
- Hey, Maria. How you doing?
- You okay?
- You all right?
- Miss me?
- Auntie Jean.
- Hi.
Hey, Kahuna, you forgot this.
I didn't forget.
I want you to hold on to it.
You'll understand why later.
- Take care, Arch.
- Wow.
- I missed you.
- Hey, Archie.
- Uncle Stan.
- Yeah.
Come on. The show's gonna start.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the time has arrived.
The master is here, the champion
of children everywhere.
You know him, you love him.
Mr. Bill Biscane.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The spectacle is at hand.
I'll let you all know when there is
just 60 seconds left.
Kahuna is here.
And I guarantee, this will change
the way you think...
...about television, that is.
Zack, direct your helmet camera
towards the satellite dish.
Towards the dish.
Hold it there, Zack.
That box is giving enough
power to light up Times Square.
Find anything?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Okay, cool.
Are we ready?
Let's count it down.
Fifty-six now.
Fifty-five. Fifty-four.
If this man wants to conquer the world,
what better way than television?
That's it.
Zack, I think I figured it out.
There's code hidden
in his transmissions.
I think it'll be used to broadcast
the mind-altering signal to the kids.
If anything happens, look inside.
- Forty-one.
- Okay, kid.
Thirty-four. Thirty-three.
Thirty-two. Thirty-one.
Engage. Lift off.
Twenty-six. Twenty-five.
Twenty-four. Twenty-three.
Eighteen. Seventeen.
Sixteen. Fifteen.
Three. Two. One.
Look! There's Muggles!
Hello, Kahuna.
I'm so happy to see you again.
I can't see. I can't see.
- Where's Kahuna?
- He's vanished.
It's all right, ladies and gentlemen.
After the spots clear...
...you'll realize it's just a special effect.
A hologram.
There was no real child.
There was no helicopter.
It was all just for your entertainment.
You having fun?
Get out of the way, kids!
I'm all right.
Vandals! Security!
Vandals! Security!
Just in time. Arrest that man.
Whoa, hey.
What are you doing?
Arresting you, officer. We'll start with
destruction of private property.
- We can explain.
- I hope so.
- What's going on?
- It's Biscane.
There's some mind-control thing
on the show.
Next thing you know, she'll be saying
that babies have a secret language.
But they do speak
a secret language.
Get my coat.
The babies stumbled on to something.
So Kane destroyed Kahuna.
We will clean all this up and resume
the premiere at 6:00 sharp.
In the meantime,
enjoy the refreshments.
- Wanna press charges?
- No need to press charges.
You see, I am a generous
and loving person.
You're a real bad, bad, bad, bad man.
I may not understand your language,
but I know what you're thinking.
Stay out of my way runt,
or else.
Will someone retrieve
this unfortunate child?
Coat.
He wouldn't just leave us.
He's out there somewhere.
He'll come back
when we need him.
What are we going to do without him?
Don't worry. He'll be back.
I'll worry if I wanna worry.
There's never gonna be anyone
like him. So brave, so powerful.
- So tough.
- Oh, man.
He was indeed one in a million.
- To the 14th power.
- I miss Kahuna.
And who's gonna save the children
from Biscane now?
- Yeah.
- Well, it's your world now, Archie.
You know what?
I'm just a baby.
A whiny, drooling diaper jockey.
I don't have the brains to come up
with some super plan...
...like Kahuna.
I can kick some diaper,
but I'm no Kahuna.
Kahuna.
Hey, kids, if you're watching
this right now, things can't be good.
It means something has happened
to me...
...and the children of the world
are quite possibly in grave danger.
I can't tell you what to do next,
but I can say this:
Archie, you believed there was
a Kahuna when nobody else would.
Now I'm asking all of you
to take a leap of faith...
...and believe in something even
more powerful than a superbaby.
- What's more powerful than that?
- Yourselves.
Every child has power.
All you have to do is believe.
All right, guys, I guess
that's all there is to say.
Whatever you decide...
...good luck.
Playtime is over.
Kahuna's right.
We've gotta start believing
in ourselves.
We're not just babies anymore.
We can be heroes.
- I'm down.
- Come on, Rosita.
You have more power than 10 boys
put together.
You got that right. I'm in.
Finkleman, we can't do it without you.
Put your hand on the rattle
or deal with Rosita.
We've gotta work together
as a team.
What do you say?
K for Kahuna!
Kahuna, Kahuna, Kahuna.
So how does it feel to be in chains?
I designed them myself, by the way.
From a titanium alloy.
You've got way too much time
on your hands, Kane.
I bet you don't know how
we did our disappearing act.
You altered the decoder box...
...to reflect my laser beam
right back at me.
You snatched me while everybody
was seeing stars.
And you played right into it.
Anyway, I foiled your plot
to brainwash those babies.
You think that was my plot?
That's always been your problem.
You are small, so you think small.
Why should I waste my time
with bedwetting babies...
...when I can control the minds
of the entire world?
In just a few hours...
...all worldwide TV networks...
...will be switching from their satellites
to my state-of-the-art...
...Telespace 3000.
- So it's a mind-control pulse.
Millions of couch potatoes
will fill their minds...
...with nothing but the needs
of Bill Biscane.
Buying Biscane products, watching
the Biscane satellite network.
Investing their life savings
in Biscane stocks.
All Biscane, all the time.
So it's true what they say.
There is nothing but junk
on television.
You're just jealous because
I'm winning this time. Me, me, me.
- He's always pulling me down!
- I know. He's a bully, sir.
This isn't over.
It will be at 6:00.
Enjoy your stay
at my little child-care center.
I created it especially for you.
Take him away.
Is he gone?
Who's your decorator, Spider-Man?
Search him.
What can I tell you?
Little boys like their toys.
I'll take a 10 a. m. wake-up call.
Good night, sweet prince.
Is that your secret with children, Dan?
Did you actually communicate
with the babies just like you said?
The babies are missing again.
- What is going on around here?
- I don't know.
- Did you see that?
- See what?
You're not gonna believe this.
- Hey, Archie, I got the keys.
- Nice work, Alex.
Okay, team, here we go.
- Archie!
- What on earth...
...do you kids think you're doing?
I have the Finklemans and Haley's
mom ready to sue me...
...over your first disappearing act.
Now it's Grand Theft Auto?
It's not that simple.
Before you say anything, just listen.
I tried to tell you before,
but you didn't believe me.
Bill Biscane is not the man
you think he is.
He does have a mind-control pulse
that he tried to use on the babies.
Sometimes you need to trust
your heart instead of your head.
- Kylie's cool.
- I really need your help.
The babies need your help.
Kahuna needs your help.
- We can't do it without you.
- What's a Kahuna?
Hey, Garbot, over here.
Over here. Over here.
Activate laser scan.
I am active.
Lots of people talked
about world domination.
Caesar. Napoleon.
Darth Vader.
Darth Vader. But nobody's
really pulled it off.
Until now.
You truly are a great visionary.
Sir, we're ready to initiate
the universal uplink switch.
I'll take that off your hands.
Don't bother.
I'll show myself out.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Get him!
Get him!
- Where?
- There.
All right, wise guy, how you
gonna get off this roof now?
Keep your eye on the radar.
How many people are in this car?
We couldn't get another vehicle?
Zack? Zack?
- Holy...
- My thoughts exactly.
Zack.
- Hey, what are you doing here?
- The question is, what are you doing?
- What's wrong?
- The satellite receiver...
...is detecting a vehicle
moving this way.
That's me, Zack. I'm coming in.
We got visitors.
This Kahuna guy must be super.
Would you look at this place?
You guys spent the night here?
Mr. And Mrs. Bobbins?
Hi. You guys might wanna get ready.
We're about to have company.
Followed by a small army
of Biscane's men...
I think I've got a way
to even the odds.
Come on, guys. Come with me.
Let's get into the Imagination Station.
We can become our superselves
and help Kahuna.
- Hello? We're outnumbered.
- And we're outsized.
Remember, you have to believe.
Believe you can do anything you set
your minds and hearts out to do.
Oh, no. I'm getting nauseous again.
Right this way.
Right this way.
Is anyone listening to me?
He's here.
He's right here.
Right in this doorway.
He's here. He's here. We found it.
Prepare all units for a beach landing.
- Prepare units for a landing.
- Single file.
Single file.
So, Kahuna...
This is dj vu all over again.
- I can't let you win.
- You have no choice. You see?
I have my crack troops with me.
Look. And reinforcements.
You haven't got a snowball's chance.
This is it for you. It's over.
Nice spot.
A little candy cane for my taste,
but then, I am an adult.
I... I am even a little sad
that this must end.
You have been a formidable opponent.
Congratulations.
But this time, I am too many
and too powerful.
And as always...
...you are all alone.
- Kahuna is not alone.
- Kahuna is not alone.
- One of your little tricks?
- Not alone.
- Not alone.
- Not alone.
- Not alone.
- Who is this...
...that stands with Kahuna
against Bill Biscane?
- It's me.
- And me.
And me.
A History of the Diaper Wars.
Hey.
Me too.
- And me.
- And me.
And us.
All right, team!
Well, as Genghis Khan once said:
"The more the merrier. "
I want the disk!
You want it? Come and get it.
- I got it!
- Charge! Take no prisoners!
Now I'm excited.
All right, superbabies,
let's see what you can do.
It's my turn!
Why not freshen up a little?
All right, Fink!
Major power move!
Come on, get them!
You are big soldiers. Do something!
There it is. Get the disk!
- Open your eyes.
- It's mine!
It's mine!
There it is! That's it! Get it, get it!
Boost me up! Boost me up!
You know, the old me would have
knocked you boys senseless...
...with a right hook. But Cupid Girl
would rather spread the love.
Got you.
You can run, but you can't
hide from Cupid Girl.
I love you, man.
- Give me a hug, you big lug.
- Oh, no.
This is the worst news yet. Come on.
- Okay, Rosita!
- Come on, they are babies!
Get them, get them!
Come on, they're babies.
Get them, get them!
You don't have
to say everything I say.
You don't have
to say everything I say.
Yes!
- I got it!
- I got it! I got it!
Nobody messes with my son.
- That's it! This is the idea!
- Hey!
- That's my husband.
- So?
- Right in the forbidden zone.
- Oh, honey.
- Honey, are you okay?
- That hurt a lot.
- That disk belongs to me, girlie.
- Who you calling girlie, sister?
- Alex!
- What's happening?
Get that one. And that one.
And that one. And that one.
- Do it!
- You bet.
- Can a brother get some water?
- Alex, you're sweating.
Here.
Must find the communication center.
We're losing time, precious time.
That looks like
the communication center.
Thanks, Kahuna.
Get back to work.
That should keep them
sleeping for a while.
Got you.
All right, Brain Boy.
You figured it out, huh, Brain Boy?
- Yeah.
- Give me five, Arch.
You stay here. No one must pass.
- Right.
- No one.
Alex, you were great.
All right, honey.
Archie, come over here!
We did it!
Tascha. Tascha.
Wake up. Wake up.
It's me. Up here.
Billy. Bill Biscane.
The disk. Throw it up here.
Come to papa. Come.
The disk!
I did it! I did it! I did it!
It's too late. It's too late.
Thanks to the power
of your own uplink...
...I can bounce
the mind-control pulse...
...off the satellite right from here.
It's so convenient.
If I didn't hate you so much,
I would thank you.
What happened back then
wasn't my fault.
- You don't have to keep hating me.
- Don't flatter yourself.
You think I went to all this trouble
because Dad liked you best?
- "Dad"?
- What are you talking about?
Gee whiz, your little band of merry
diaper men haven't figured it out yet?
Biscane here is Ken, my brother.
I should have been the one
to get the superhero powers.
I should have stayed young forever.
You took all that from me.
- It's over.
- You're wrong.
There's no fail-safe.
And this program will transmit
a mind-control pulse no matter what.
The satellite can't be shut down,
blown up or knocked off course.
Ken, one. Kahuna, zip.
How does it feel, after all these years,
to be the one that is defeated?
- How does it feel? Tell me.
- It feels bad.
Yeah, it feels bad. Feels really lousy,
doesn't it? Good.
There. Now, was that so hard?
There's still one trick
you haven't learned yet.
Really?
I'm about to become the most
powerful man in the world.
Enlighten me.
What is it I have to learn?
How to make friends.
- Kids, now!
- Go, go!
- Okay, kids.
- Come on, kids!
Go, go! Come on, let's go get him.
No bodily harm.
Move, move! Move, move!
- That's it! No bodily...
- One, two, three, four, five.
Bye-bye, Biscane. You're walking.
- Good Biscane ball bashing, Alex.
- Options. I need them quick.
We can't abort the satellite feed.
- There's no way to stop him?
- Hey, Kahuna.
- I've got the answer.
- Well?
- Every day we get storytime.
- Now's not a good time for baby talk.
I think I know what he's getting at.
Go on, Archie.
Every day we have storytime.
It can be either a bad book
or a good book.
And we can't stop storytime.
But we can change the story
from a bad one to a good one.
I can alter the mind-control message.
Instead of being robbed of their
free will, we just turn it around.
And crank up the free will.
No. No, no!
No, you'll ruin everything.
Switch the mind-control message
to freedom control.
They don't have to sit
and watch TV all day.
- Will it work?
- There's one way to find out.
All right, Archie, hit the switch.
Now.
What're we watching
this lame frog for?
He's boring.
- Let's go outside and play.
- Okay. Let's play tag. You're it.
We got it!
Way to go, kids!
I may have lost the battle,
but I will win the war.
I'll get this one!
Not so fast, Billy.
- That was pretty good.
- Thank you.
That's my bad leg.
Oh, my God.
"To realize the power
of your true self, press this button. "
This is how they became
their superselves. It's time...
...for the real me to emerge.
Here I come!
Oh, no.
I hate babies.
- I hated being a baby.
- Don't you worry, little Billy.
I'll feed you.
I'll take care of you.
I'll even change your diaper.
I'm warning you, Crowe.
I'm Bill Biscane. If you touch
my diapers, you're fired.
- Oh, you dear boy.
- Put me down. I can drool by myself.
Put me down.
This has gotta be the most
amazing day in history.
And you have a lot
of explaining to do.
- Well, where do I start?
- From the beginning.
You wanna hear the story?
Okay, guys. It's time for me
to pack up and move on.
Maybe someday we could beat
some bad guys up together...
...and then we'd get
a chocolate shake after.
Deep down we both know, kids,
if that stroller leaves from here...
...and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
Maybe not today...
...maybe not tomorrow, but soon,
and for the rest of your lives.
You don't have to leave.
You don't have to go away.
You can come live with us.
You know I can't do that.
- Why not?
- Kid...
I wanna work side by side
with my best friend, Kahuna.
We'll always be friends.
Wait a second.
None of this is making sense.
- Go back...
- Wait a minute.
Is Kahuna leaving?
I'll tell you something, Arch,
something I think you already know.
- What's that?
- You got a couple of real heroes...
...at home.
Yeah.
Yeah, I really do.
- Who's the big hero?
- Daddy! I love you.
Who's Daddy's little hero?
Take care, my friends.
- Say, "Bye, Kahuna. "
- Bye.
- Bye, Kahuna.
- Bye, Kahuna.
I'm gonna miss you.
Bye, Kahuna.
The consumer report
also stated that sales...
...of children's books, music and toys
have tripled since last month.
And the phenomenon continues.
For the second straight month,
television ratings have plummeted.
Children are spending more time
outdoors, in sports, and reading.
Elsewhere in the news, a busload
of children in Mexico were saved...
...when their runaway school bus
nearly plunged over a cliff.
While the trauma of the incident
caused young witnesses...
...to claim some sort of superbaby
saved the bus, experts believe...
- ... that atmospheric conditions...
- Hey, buddy.
You miss him, don't you?
I'm the bogeyman. I'm the bogeyman.
Bogeyman. Bogeyman.
You're the booger-man, you are.
Oh, that's not cool, Rosita.
Zack?
There's somebody here to see you.
Are you my... My mother?
- Mom, this is my friend, Kylie.
- Hi.
Kylie, this is my...
My mother.
Yay, Zack!
Kahuna.
Hey, Archie.
You're a full-fledged
Junior Kahuna now.
That's official.
- See you.
- Look after everybody.
I'll be seeing you.
I got an emergency
over in Europe.
But I'll be back!