1
ROBERT: Hi-yo, you
NerdGasmics, nerd-a-maniacs,
tuning into our podcast...
ROBERT AND SEAN TOGETHER:
(SING-SONG) For the win!
ROBERT: As always, this is your
boy Hot Rob and the Seanster.
We're coming to you live
from our fucking bat cave, yo.
SEAN: Ground zero.
ROBERT: It's our Area 51, yo.
SEAN: You can't even see this,
it's so secret.
ROBERT: It's so super secret.
Supercon's this weekend.
It's gonna be in
Westwego, Louisiana.
SEAN: It's gonna be
really magical.
We're gonna have
great guests on the show.
ROBERT: All of your favorite
stars from TV, film, comics.
SEAN: Live from Supercon
with our very own Supercon
special edition podcast.
ROBERT: We're gonna be
coming to you live
from the cockpit
of the shuttle craft,
so come and see us
at Supercon at Westwego.
You'll get to see us,
your boy Hot Rob
and the Seanster.
ROBERT AND SEAN TOGETHER:
For the win!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
ANSWERING MACHINE: (OVER
PHONE) You have new messages.
MAN: This call
is for Mr. Mahar.
This is Lavar Apartments.
This is Rodney.
You're behind
on your rent, sir.
Please give me
a call back immediately
to avoid getting evicted.
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Next message.
WOMAN: Hi, Mr. Mahar.
This is Cindy.
I work for Supercon owner
and promoter Mr. Gil Bartell.
He wanted me and remind you how
important it is that you wear...
Oh, it says here a turban
from your show Tex Johnson.
Mr. Bartell says
you have to wear it
or no one at the Con
will recognize you
from when you were a kid.
Thanks so much
and have a great Con. Bye.
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Third message.
MAN: Mr. Mahar, this is your
soon-to-be ex-wife's attorney.
I've made many attempts to get a
hold of you in regard to Bob.
Please call me back immediately
to resolve this matter.
Better yet,
have your attorney call me
because if you haven't obtained an
attorney, you're gonna need a good one.
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Fourth message.
MAN: Princess, it's Wheeler.
Where you at?
I'm at weapons check,
waiting for your fat ass.
Oh, Rob and Sean want us to do their
podcast in their shuttle craft
I know that gives you a boner.
Hit me up, buddy boy.
Oh, God.
WOMAN: I think
you've lost weight.
Last time I saw you, I don't
know if you were this size,
which is not to say that you
didn't look good back then.
You look good now.
You look good all the time.
You need anything at all,
you just find
one of us red shirts.
Take care now.
Don't hurt nobody.
Okay, all right, bye.
Sir, this is
only for VIP guests.
I am a VIP guest.
Tex Johnson, US marshal.
Can you be a doll, Tammy, and
help out Mr. Larry Long-face?
OMG. You're Matt Wheeler.
You can call me Wheels.
Oh, my roommate's
gonna freak out.
- Let her freak.
- Mmm!
I love Hiccup and Stringy.
It's my total fave.
I'll do it for you, but only
if you do the Stringy voice.
Hey, gorgeous!
Are you a parking ticket?
'Cause you got "fine"
written all over you.
Oh, Stringy!
(LAUGHING)
Deal's a deal.
- Now, what's your name?
- Steven Spielberg.
Maybe I should try looking
under "Douchebag."
I think Gil would probably
want you to move Keith
next to my table right here.
Can we do a little something
about that?
Yeah.
- Great.
- (DISTANT ENGINE REVVING)
KEITH:
What the fuck was that?
That's the sound
a little dick makes.
I have a little dick,
and it doesn't make any noise.
I have a big dick,
and it makes lots of noise.
- Mm-hmm!
- (ENGINE REVVING)
Did you hear that?
You heard that.
(ROCK SONG PLAYING)
(ENGINE REVS)
(CROW CHEERING)
Hey, I recognize you,
handsome devil, huh?
Ah, get your pictures now.
There ya go.
(LAUGHING)
Sure, sure, just a couple
of free ones here.
75 bucks at my table.
Ah, this pen doesn't work.
Sorry.
Hey, come on.
Easy, no touching.
- Hide me, hide me.
- What?
Fucking cocksucker's here.
You are the fucking
smallest guy here,
and I have to use you
to cover me.
Is that Keith Mahar?
- Right there.
- Hey.
Hey, everybody, look.
It's Hadji,
my costar from Tex Johnson.
- (APPLAUSE)
- Keith. My name is Keith.
Sure it is.
Just busting balls.
Hey, speaking of balls,
how they hanging?
(GROANS)
- (LAUGHTER)
- Fucking prick.
Can I get a photo
with you guys?
Sure, sure, anything
for the fans, right, Keith?
- Yeah.
- Sure, sure, come on.
Oh, okay, okay.
Here, get my good side.
Go, good.
All right, smile.
And...
Fucking dick pic.
ADAM: Ah, that's not bad.
You missed your calling.
You should've been
a photographer, Hadji.
- KEITH: Hey, well, you know.
- All right.
- Catch ya later, Hadj.
- Yeah, great.
Hope you catch something
later, you fuck.
- Move, move, move, move.
- I bet you him and her
stand beside each other
at the urinal.
Where the fucking hat
I bought you? Where's the hat?
Nobody knows who the fuck you are
without the hat on your head.
I believe the appropriate
term is "turban."
Okay, turban, the jihabi,
the Pamper you was wearing
on your fucking head.
A jibjab rag, a diaper,
where's the fucking hat?
- Um...
- You know this guy?
Harold? Kumar?
I'm not fucking either
of those people.
Callahan. This is
my head of security,
and this is my brother-in-law,
and I'm gonna let him
loose on your ass
if you rearrange
my seating again.
I don't play that shit.
Get Jay on the phone.
Motherfucker!
Can't even move fast enough
to fucking scare me.
Osama bin fucking eating.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, dude.
She left me for her fucking
personal trainer.
I should've known
something was up.
She would go to the gym
in high heels.
Who works out in high heels?
Staying fat wasn't a clue?
She filed for divorce,
emptied the bank account,
kicked me out
of the apartment.
Can't you get spousal support
or something?
Yeah, I would need
a lawyer for that,
and I'm already paying for
the fucking lawyer she hired
to divorce me.
She's what they call
"a cunt burger."
Ooh, I've had
one of those before.
(YELLING)
MATT: Yep, I told you
that wench was bad news.
You're an asshole. You fucking
introduced me to her.
In Vegas, baby.
- Didn't you shit your pants?
- It was a shart.
Motherf...
(YELLS)
Good.
- Controller's busted.
- Round two.
Go home, old man, you suck!
(MUSIC STING)
Really?
I've seen a naked woman.
(MUSIC STING)
In real life.
(MUSIC STING)
Oh, mike drop.
I didn't tell you
the worst part.
What's that?
She took Bob.
She fucking took Bob?
She stole my dog.
What kind of a person
steals a man's dog?
An animal.
Yeah. She didn't even
like the fucking dog.
And she ties him up
in the apartment all day.
Now I'm in a custody battle over
some shit I can't even afford.
And what was your name again?
You know, I can't believe
your Con agent let you go out
looking like a special-needs
M. Night Shyamalan.
Look at this.
Yo, check it out.
Ms. Lily's here.
Mmm.
You know sometimes when
I'm drunk, I do two things...
Watch Ms. Lily's Classroom,
and then I jerk off while
watching Ms. Lily's Classroom.
Not to the classroom part.
Just Ms. Lily.
I'm not a fucking creep. Kinda
wanna jerk off right now.
Why don't you take
that glorious headshot over?
Oh, yeah,
this is what she wants.
An unemployed
former child actor
whose life resembles
a pile of dog shit.
Hey, Wheeler, where's Hiccup
this weekend, man?
Rehab.
- Hey, who are you?
- Keith Mahar.
I was on Tex Johnson.
Was that Keith Mahar?
Testicular cancer ring a bell?
- Oh, my God.
- You're the ball cancer kid!
Hey, everybody,
it's the ball cancer kid! Hey!
Mommy, I got ball cancer!
(MOCK CRYING)
Oh, geez.
Fuck me.
I thought you were dead.
Nope, didn't actually
have testicular cancer,
therefore didn't die.
Just your career.
(KISSING)
Fuckwad.
- (KEITH SIGHS)
- Hey, Bobble D.
A lemmy for me
and an Irish Car Bomb
for my terrorist friend here.
I'm Indian,
you fucking dummy.
WOMAN: I didn't know
this was a gay bar.
Hello, lesbo face.
We were just about
to start scissoring.
McNealy,
that filthy mouth of yours
is not gonna get me
back to your room tonight.
Chardonnay for me, thanks.
- Can I get that In a to-go cup?
- Jack and Coke, please.
And can he get a thong
and a scrunchie
and maybe a Tampax
with that too?
This is Rocky.
We went to Michigan together.
Now we're just fucking.
You're not a personal trainer,
are you?
He's a DJ. He's spinning
the rave tonight.
KEITH: When he comes,
does soy sauce come out?
Green or red? The low sodium
or the regular sodium?
Keith.
They call me Pharaoh.
What do they call you?
- Pharaoh.
- Oh.
I thought you were
saying, "Herro."
I should take off, Al,
get my shit together.
Yeah, they're animals.
(KISS)
MATT: I'm a DJ too.
- He works out.
- I work out.
Yeah, but he's supposed
to be working out math.
He's dehydrated.
He's lost a lot of fluids.
He is pretty big though.
Yeah. He's huge in Japan.
Hey, three inches is big
in Japan.
Yeah, so you're like
average there.
Does he go down on you
with chopsticks?
You ever go down on him and
you're hungry half an hour later?
He was big though.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
What time is
your Classic TV panel?
Um, at...
Oh, fuck-me-o'clock.
I'll drink it.
(SLURPING)
- You got this.
- Now you're ready.
- (GLASSES CLING)
- Bye.
Tell King he sucks.
(BURPS)
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
(SQUEALS)
(LAUGHTER)
ANNOUNCER: Downtown Crime.
Starring Brock Hutchinson
as Detective Mitch Sipes.
(LAUGHTER)
I look like
one of the Village People.
I'm gonna tell you
the true story here right now.
Brock, being the guy
that he is,
he gave a bit of encouragement
to a young Tom Selleck.
He said, "Now this is
between you and me."
You're out of breath?
The bar is next door.
- Don't judge me.
- Mm-hmm.
What did I miss?
Just your dignity,
sweetheart.
"Tom, why don't you go on home,
grow yourself a mustache,
and then try it again."
Let's bring out the star
of Downtown Crime,
ladies and gentlemen,
Brock Hutchinson!
Come on out, Brock.
Come on out!
I came out years ago!
(CHEERING)
Hello, Westwego.
(LAUGHTER)
When you get the clap
from you guys,
- I think you really mean it.
- (LAUGHTER)
I don't wanna leave you out here
all by yourself there, Brock.
Our next guest, everyone's
favorite ball cancer kid.
(LAUGHTER)
Fuck me.
- (SMACK)
- Ooh!
You've been a bad Hadji.
That's gonna leave a mark.
(LAUGHS)
You see here, little fella,
down here in Texas,
we take care of our own.
Speaking of which,
you feeling okay?
Go ahead, Hadji.
We're all friends here.
It's okay to talk about,
Judge Glover.
Tex told me I have
testicular cancer.
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, Hadji!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
All right,
from Tex Johnson, US Marshal,
it's that crazy
go-kart-driving Hadji,
Keith Mahar!
(LIGHT APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
Get the fuck outta here.
Prick.
ANNOUNCER: (OVER SPEAKERS)
Attention, Supercon.
Remember, personal hygiene
affects everyone.
Hey.
If you smell someone,
tell someone.
Keep it in the pants, man.
Skip.
Hey, you see that guy?
Is he your type?
Over you?
A thousand times, yes.
How about Adam King of
the Cocks over there?
He's a prick.
Hides it well
from the fans though.
Well, you and Mr. Sulu,
that really happening?
Listen, you need
to let this go.
You're too pretty
to give good head.
Never had to work for it.
I'm just not that into you.
When you're banging
Chairman Mao,
do you think of me
the whole time
or just during climax?
Which I can only
assume happens
while he's neatly folding
clothes in the other room.
Is neatness even
a racial stereotype?
If it's not,
it should be, right?
I don't fuck racists.
Bye, Felicia.
Cold, cold.
MAN: (ON PA) Football is in
my possession, RTV, over.
Copy that. Callahan's on his
way to your office, sir.
He's got money from
the first round of photo ops.
Is it true he's a Navy Seal?
What?
I'm surrounded by idiots.
We're still having
that little issue.
- Copy that.
- Back over there.
Okay. Seth Green, sir,
he needs a new chair.
He's too short, evidently.
Saw the legs off the table.
Shit.
That's a good idea, sir.
Um, one more thing.
Adam King is flirting
with our interns,
and she's only 15, Gil.
First off,
my name is Mr. Bartell.
Oh.
Yeah. Second of all,
my man Adam King is signing
for four hours each day.
We move 10 mouth-breathers
through the line a minute.
He gets $75
per signature or a photo.
That's roughly about
$180,000 per day.
120 grand to me.
And 420 grand to him.
Green is for the money
and what?
Gold is for the honey.
(LAUGHS)
Every time he's not signing
autographs and taking photos,
you're literally taking
money out of my pocket.
No, sir, I wouldn't...
Wait. How much does
Adam King charge?
Go pick it up.
- Now?
- Let's go, let's go!
Yes, sir!
- How'd the panel go?
- Could've gone better.
You know, these fucking things
are making way more money
than we are this weekend.
My show ran for four seasons,
and those four wheels
of shiny wax shit
broke down every episode.
One of 'em blew up once.
For no reason at all.
Just kaboom!
Hey, this is weed.
Are you a cop?
Where the hell is Wheeler?
He forgot something
in his room.
BOTH:
He's taking a shit.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, my God.
(RINGING CONTINUES)
I gotta call you back, Dad.
(CAR APPROACHING)
I know.
You're speechless.
Thought we were getting
an Uber.
Everyone, meet
Mr. Sean and Mr. Robert.
- Hey, guys.
- Together, they are NerdGasm.
To call these gentlemen "fans"
would be an insult.
I like to think of them
as men among boys.
Can I ask you guys,
the experts, a Con question?
Adam King, awesome or asshole?
Wait, you mean
Captain James W. Slade?
Right. Asshole, right?
ROBERT: AKA Future
Force's Golden Guardian?
Or Tex Johnson...
(SPITS)
US Marshal?
Uh, he's awesome.
(MIMICKING GUNSHOT)
Tell me, do you guys
pick up girls in this thing?
It's like Spanish Fly.
It's a panty-dropper.
(COUGHS)
Dorks.
By the way,
where are we going?
You guys like barbecue,
crawfish?
I like Applebee's.
Yeah, it's just like that.
You gotta
take a left right here.
Since we're all here, you know,
Sean and I, we do a podcast.
It's called NerdGasm,
F-T-Dub.
- Never miss it.
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.
- I thought of the name.
We wanted all you guys
to be on it.
Love to.
Allison's gonna
need a small mike.
She likes small mikes.
There's a smaller red one,
or we got a big black one
up here.
MATT: Kid-size?
- We can see what we got.
- Baby mikes?
ALLISON: Party size.
Party. There you go.
ALLISON: Better for anal.
ROBERT: So is that a yes,
or is that a...
Well, you know
Matt did say we'd do it, so...
Great! Three, two, one.
(EXCITED GIBBERISH)
Oh, check the levels.
Oh, you mean now.
Levels, Sean!
ROBERT: Hi-yo, you
NerdGasmics, nerd-a-maniacs,
- tuning into our podcast...
- BOTH: For the win!
As always, it's your boy
Hot Rob and the Seanster.
- 'Sup.
- Coming to you live
from the cockpit
of the shuttle craft.
- You say cock?
- I didn't say cock.
Cock-a-doodle-do,
we are right here, gentlemen.
(FUTURISTIC ENGINE WHIRRING)
What the fuck?
- (LAUGHS)
- Look at this piece of shit.
This doesn't look
like Applebee's.
Hey, nice ride,
Captain Kirk.
Set your phasers to fag.
- (LAUGHS)
- Whoo!
Hey, man, sorry!
We gotta go! Bye-bye!
Yeah!
I think you dropped this.
(LAUGHS)
Queers.
Fuck you.
Dude, what the fuck
was that, man?
That guy looked like my dad.
I don't need that shit, man.
- Fuck you, man.
- That was ball cancer kid?
Aw, fuck.
Called respect.
Respect.
Ball cancer got balls.
Respect!
Fuck! That was my last beer.
ALLISON: There's been
a rumor going around
that Dragon-Con
was robbed of 100 grand
by some guys dressed up
like stormtroopers.
KEITH: New Hope
or Force Awakens?
- ALLISON: Does it matter?
- KEITH: It matters.
New Hope, okay?
Stay with me.
It's an urban legend.
Bullshit. I heard it
from a very reliable source.
Her pot dealer.
Medical marijuana provider.
What's the story?
Evidently the guy,
or guys, walked in
and held up the con office,
like Pulp Fiction.
They grabbed the cash,
and then they escaped
by slipping into
the big cosplay parade
that takes over
downtown Atlanta every year.
They timed it so perfectly...
They blended in seamlessly
with the 501st Legion.
Clean getaway.
(TIRES SCREECH)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, fuck.
Not this fucking guy.
Here?
I gotta throw a piss.
- GIL: Look who that is.
- KEITH: How do you throw a piss?
- ADAM: Oh!
- BROCK: You leave a piss.
- ALLISON: Maybe he doesn't hold it.
- KEITH: You throw a party.
Oh, my God.
Maybe it's a piss party.
- (KICKS CHAIR)
- Hadji!
What kinda trouble
you getting into now, son?
Oh, you're not eating pork,
are you, Mahar?
Aren't all the other cabbies
gonna get pissed
that you're chowing down
on the sacred cow?
Cow, pork, same thing, right?
Fucking idiot.
Oh, Allison,
looking stunning as usual.
Brock Hutchinson,
you old queen.
What are you doing hanging out
with the supporting cast, huh?
(LAUGHING)
I haven't seen
an asshole this big
since Andy Dick's
Christmas party.
- Good call.
- Yeah.
Hey, listen, Adam,
we're about to leave.
Excuse me,
are you Adam King?
- Hold on, hold on.
- Adam Future Force King?
Not right now, player.
Not right now.
Good eye, kid.
Can I shake...
- Gil, it's okay.
- I can't...
It's okay, Gil, it's okay.
I just wanna...
Oh, my God.
- Sir, I'm an actor too.
- Where did he come from?
I've learned so much
from watching your shows.
Do you teach an acting class
or something?
- We'd love to take it.
- Fuck me.
ADAM: I'll give you one
for free.
From one great actor
to another actor,
those that can't, teach.
I learned everything I needed
from the streets, kid.
Is it true that you
turned down
the role of John McClane
in Die Hard?
Let me tell you something.
The King can't be upstaged
by a skyscraper.
Ah! Nakatomi ain't got nothing
on the King.
Well, you just keep doing
that awesome thing you do.
Got no other choice, kid.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, dude!
Come on, man!
All right, come on. Let's
get something to eat, huh?
You'll never make it, Wheeler.
- Never in life.
- Let's get some chow, huh?
I suggest we get outta here.
- Let's go see DJ Chardonnay.
- Copy that.
What a fucking racist,
homophobic prick.
He used to do the same shit to me
on set when I was 10 years old.
He'll get his.
Might be sooner
rather than later.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: (ON RADIO) And she's
gonna tell us all about
her favorite hat pattern.
- WOMAN 2: Oh, thank you!
- WOMAN: Good to have you on the show.
WOMAN 2: It's nice to
meet you, finally.
I've been working on this
for a while.
It's a basket-weave hat,
like you make the basket-weave
for the baby blankets.
Well, I have always
loved that pattern.
All right,
I got something
that's gonna turn
this night around.
All I'm offering
is the truth.
Nothing more.
How can we refuse?
Brock?
Mmm. I'm in.
What are they?
Does it matter?
Swear to God,
if this is Viagra,
we're gonna find out if Brock's
a power bottom or not.
(CHUCKLES)
(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)
(SLOW MOTION ROARING)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, Supercon,
the Klingon linguistics panel
has been changed to...
(SPEAKING KLINGON)
You look like hammered shit.
I think I might've fucked
a chicken last night.
Been there.
It's all a blur. The last
thing I remember is...
The Dixie Pig.
From last night.
Motherfucker!
You know, you're a real
fucking asshole.
Guess that barbecue sauce is
going to leave a mark, Hadji.
Don't fuck with the King.
Yeah.
(CHANTING) Ball cancer kid.
Ball cancer kid.
Ball cancer kid.
Ball cancer kid.
Ball cancer kid.
Ball cancer kid.
Ball cancer kid.
Ball cancer kid.
Ball cancer kid.
Ball cancer kid.
I'm telling you, man,
he fucked a chicken.
Wasn't pretty.
What you do, I guess.
Mm. Ned Stark, right?
And that 'fro is on fire,
my man.
Keep it hard, Mr. Cronin.
Keep it hard.
How you feeling?
Day two, guys.
How are you doing?
Oh, hey, it's big day.
You know,
lots of people to meet,
lots to get signed.
I missed you guys last night.
- We could've used you.
- Really?
ANNOUNCER: Attention, security,
please report to section three.
Oh, no, whoa.
That's King's section.
- How the fuck do you know that?
- (ROBERT SCOFFS)
I mean, come on, if there's
anything I know this weekend,
it's who's at what table.
(SCOFFS)
This guy.
ANNOUNCER: Security,
report to section three.
Oh, shit.
Ball cancer kid!
Ball cancer kid!
Ball cancer kid!
Ball cancer kid!
- Fuck you!
- Hey, what the fuck is wrong...
That's the last time, Hadji.
You piece of shit!
Not the face!
Not the... You...
You fucking...
Stop it, stop it!
- Break it up.
- (GRUNTING)
GIL: Stop it!
Come on, man. Break it up!
Stop! Stop it!
Eww.
Oh, no.
That's barbecue sauce?
Keith and King got in a fight.
More of a mud wrestle.
Gil got involved.
It got ugly.
And he fired the three of us.
All three of you?
Where's Gil?
GIL: Is it really that bad?
He's upset with me?
What kinda shit is that?
He's really upset that he...
Do you really wanna
be with him?
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- I mean, be honest.
You are living proof that
evolution works in reverse.
How you gonna
fix this, Gil, huh?
Come on. Shock me with
an intelligent answer.
- Blow my mind.
- I fired everybody's ass.
Ehh! Wrong.
That is YP, not MP.
- Your problem, not my problem.
- I got it.
See? Even she knows
what I'm talking about.
- Picture this.
- Aw, man!
Hundreds of sweaty,
obese single parents,
the walking fucking dead
with their fat little fingers
holding illiterate
crayon signs saying,
"Supercon sucks."
No! Why? What?
Leave.
(SIGHS)
Can I have a hug?
(SCREAMS)
I just want a...
You usually hug me.
(SIGHS)
Oh, what fools
these mortals be...
Or not to be.
That is the question.
Shakespeare, baby.
I might have to ask you
for something very special.
Lucky me.
Yes.
- Uh, Gil.
- What do you want today?
It was all my fault, okay?
Fuck. Listen,
you can't fire my friends.
You gotta un-fire 'em.
I ain't got time
for your shit today, Wheeler.
Well, I'm telling you, man,
this shit's gonna come out
no matter
how you wanna play it.
Gil, listen, man, you can't
fire Allison, Brock, and Keith
for something I fucking did.
Watch your tone.
It's my convention.
I'll do what the fuck
I want with it.
But you got it all wrong, man.
Talking about
my friends, Gil.
- Yeah, yeah, your friends?
- My friends.
Really, yeah, whatever,
your friends.
Where... All the fucking XLs
are gone? Shit.
Hello. How are you?
I'm Matt Wheeler.
It's lovely to meet you
and all your cash.
Wow!
Wow. Is this all the Con cash?
Stop touching shit,
all right?
- This is crazy.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Your eyes, your eyes,
avert 'em, right here.
This cash that you see?
This is mine.
Your fucking buddy last night
went and drew a big-ass cock
on Adam's car.
He assaulted him.
Keith couldn't assault
a freaking turtle, man.
- Yeah, yeah, right.
- If he did, it's 'cause King
was slapping his balls
time and time again.
I could've had your ass
arrested.
That's right,
but I didn't send you to jail.
- You could've got... What?
- Ten years.
But I did something
a little lighter for you.
You're fired.
(LAUGHING)
You're fucking fired.
And you and your little
loser-ass friends
don't ever, ever come back
to Supercon again.
You're a fucking idiot.
You're banned.
And you'll never work the
Southern cities like, uh...
- Dallas.
- Dallas.
- Houston.
- Houston. You love Houston.
- Dustin.
- Dustin.
- Fucking New Orleans.
- Baton Rouge.
Best seafood in the world.
Baton Rouge.
MATT: You're just
throwing out cities.
The boot, bitch.
You're an idiot.
You're banned.
For life.
You know, one of these days,
- all this shit, all of it...
- Yeah?
It's gonna catch up
with you.
Yeah?
And I'm gonna be right there
to see it.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
(SCREAMS)
- (ZAPPING)
- (THUD)
KEITH: Do you piss or shit
yourself when you get tased?
'Cause you fucking
smell like both.
Speaking of which, I gotta
take the bus back home.
You ever been on
a fucking Greyhound?
Mm-hmm.
Another round, Aaron.
The bartender. That's classy.
Even he has a better shot
than you.
Well, at least we all
got fired together.
What fucking kills me
is that Gil's making
so much money off of everyone,
that he needs the cash machines
from Scarface to count it all.
- It's insane.
- Shit ain't right.
KEITH: You can't win
if the game's rigged.
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC)
I got an idea.
(SQUEALS)
Oh, I hope that's not what
he sounds like when he comes.
Why are we meeting in here?
Because it's a gym
during a comic convention.
This room is safer
than the White House.
Yeah, but what are we
doing in here, Matt?
Hey, I'm not just gonna
blurt it out.
I'm gonna seduce you.
Things are gonna get moist
in here, my friends.
Very moist.
All right, well, spit on it
and put it in already,
for fuck's sakes.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CHUCKLES)
Let's rob Supercon.
- The fuck did he just say?
- Excuse me?
I'm in.
What'd you give him
last night?
Oh, she gave me hope, baby.
We all know
Gil is the motherfucking
Tony Montana of Supercon.
Do you remember
what she said
about the stormtroopers
robbing Dragoncon?
- Yeah.
- We dress up,
we steal the stash,
and we walk out like
nothing every happened.
You wanna steal
everyone's payout money?
- You dick.
- No. That's the sexy part.
Allison, Gil pays out everyone
working the Con Sunday morning,
right before we all start
catching flights or buses home.
He pays out everyone,
except Adam King,
'cause his humongous panel is
Sunday 2 p.m., the last day.
So the only cash left
in the office will be...
- Gil's money.
- And King's money.
Bringo.
I'm in.
Yeah, but the cops will
catch us in a heartbeat.
You bet your flabby ass
they would,
but who's calling
the cops, man?
IRS will be all over him,
plus an audit would show that
he's been skimming off the top
all these years.
I'm in.
You're nuts.
(SLAMS BAG)
Talk to me.
I'm outta here.
Enjoy your heist there,
Danny Ocean.
- Where you going, little lady?
- I got a bus to catch.
Your idea fucking sucks,
and my ass isn't that flabby.
You didn't even hear the plan,
Casey Affleck.
I heard enough,
and Casey Affleck
is easily the better Affleck.
Later, fuckface.
Go get him. Go get him.
Don't move.
Keith, wait up, you big puss.
At least hear
the plan first, Keith.
You did enough, man,
all right?
You just got me fired from my
only fucking source of income,
and now you want me to go to prison,
for five to ten years? Fuck that.
I needed the fucking money
from this weekend.
Look, your share of the money
from this plan,
you're gonna be a very wealthy
terrorist, my friend.
I don't know if you know this,
but you're a white guy.
You have all the opportunities
in the world in Hollywood.
I don't have shit.
You could be a leading man.
You could be a fucking
supporting role.
You can be a Japanese woman
if you needed to be.
I was a series regular
for five years
on fucking Tex Johnson,
and my parents took
every dime I made.
These conventions are the only
thing that give me any money,
and thanks to you, I don't
even have that anymore.
I haven't worked
in over a fucking year,
and I just lost my agent.
Why?
'Cause she's
a fucking asshole.
She keeps wanting me
to go out for these auditions
for Terrorist Number One
and fucking Cab Driver
and 7-Eleven
and Call Center.
Well, with your share
of the money,
you can buy a 7-Eleven.
I don't need
a fucking 7-Eleven!
I'm not going to jail 'cause
I'll be a fucking candy bar.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I'm sorry that every
acting job you go out for
is for some racist shit.
But you can't just walk away.
Who wrote Harry Potter?
Some fucking bitch in England.
WOMAN: You mean J.K. Rowling?
- Yeah, you fucking dork.
- Yeah, thanks!
- J.K. Fucking Rowling.
- Dumbledore!
She wrote that book after her
husband left her stone cold.
J.K. had no money.
J.K. had a baby to feed.
J.K. had to go on welfare.
J.K. didn't rob anybody.
She wrote a children's
fucking book.
J.K. grew some balls.
And that's
what I'm talking about.
'Cause if you walk, the Gils,
the Adam Kings of the world,
they beat you.
It's time for you
to grow some big, hairy...
Harry Potter balls.
Can you do that?
With or without cancer?
(SIGHS)
You guys know
this is a dumb idea, right?
Oh, yeah, we do.
I'm in.
(GRUNTING)
(BEEPS)
You forgot one thing, ugly.
Never underestimate
Future Force.
- All right, Guardians...
- (KNOCKING)
- The bridge is secure.
- Get the door.
- (KNOCKING)
- Babe, door.
Attack formation
to the hangar.
- Sector seven, go.
- (KNOCKING)
(CLICK)
Hookers can't open doors?
- Hey!
- Oh, it's you.
(GIL LAUGHING)
Hail to the King!
(LAUGHS)
I was looking for you
in your hotel room.
After the party last night,
it was barely habitable.
You're gonna get the bill.
Don't get cheap on me, man.
All right, yeah.
So what's up, Gil?
I thought you said you were
gonna fix things around here.
You know what, Mr. King?
I'll assure you that I'ma
get to the bottom of this.
(KARATE YELL)
See, I could've killed you
right there.
You either had your hand
in her ass
or your ass won.
(LAUGHING)
Get your shit together, Gil.
- Yeah, I gotta get it together.
- All right.
So what's the drop, fat man?
Okay, last night,
we made about 45 grand.
That was before the incident.
So we cool, we good.
- No, no.
- We made a little money.
- We looking pretty cool.
- No, not good enough, chief.
Sorry. Jack it up.
We should've made 75 grand
this morning.
Okay, okay, okay,
I understand.
- But you know the fans...
- Fuck the fans.
Those underweight
knuckle-draggers
will pay what I tell them to.
You just...
Gil, you gotta smile at 'em.
All right.
Smile right in their faces,
and you reach around and
grab their wallets, you see?
I like that, I like that.
Now, you know the cons,
we never charge you...
Stop! Shh.
Shh, don't, don't talk,
don't speak.
Say my name.
BOTH: Adam King.
Tex Johnson, US Marshal.
The Golden Guardian, huh?
- (KNOCKING)
- MAN: Who ordered steak and lobster?
GIL: Get your ass in here.
- Come on, motherfucker.
- Food's here.
I have a lobster thermidor
and a porterhouse steak
extra well-done.
- Oh, yeah, all right.
- For your food.
Cristal and beluga. Yeah,
there it is, there it is.
Oh, where's my kiwi?
Babe, what color is kiwi?
Green, like money.
- That green?
- No.
Is that green? No.
- All right, it's green.
- Okay.
Looks like
a big mast of testicle.
- Okay, I'll...
- Kiwi.
- See any kiwi?
- Okay.
- Gil will take care of it.
- Yeah, come on, man.
- Here's the bill.
- Fuck the bill.
Get your ass out.
Come on, Jonathan Winters.
Get your ass outta here.
Fuck you. Get outta here,
Get your ass outta here.
- Yeah, big fan, Mr. King.
- Hey, fuck you.
Your movies got me through
a tough time in my childhood.
Get your ass outta here.
Eat a dick.
Woo, woo!
Yeah, take a number.
Woo, woo.
Pop a bottle
Pop a bottle on a bitch
- Pop a bottle on a bitch
- Woo, woo.
Pop a bottle on a bi...
No, I wasn't calling
your girl a bitch.
It's a new song out called
"Pop a Bottle."
- 2 Chainz or one of them.
- Open that.
Okay.
I know you all must have
a ton of questions.
You know, um...
Brock, can you please not...
Brock, just... Not now.
I gotta concentrate.
Time and a place.
I got all the ins and outs
covered, you know that.
Ugh. I hope this plan is
better than your pickup lines.
Don't hold your breath.
Look, we all know that when
King leaves the stage,
he gets the fuck out of Dodge.
But not before he hands Gil
the autograph and photo money.
- Exactly.
- (FARTS)
So we have to get that money
before it gets backstage
and into King's hands.
Did you just...
How do we do it?
MATT: We start with Brock
breaking into Gil's office
through the air vents.
When he gets to Gil's office,
he rappels down...
Think first
Mission: Impossible...
- And takes out Callahan...
- VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER: Fatality.
MATT: Sub-Zero style
from Mortal Kombat.
Allison, you're gonna be
looking like Emilia Clarke
riding in on a fucking dragon.
You lure Gil all the way
to the loading dock.
And just when Gil thinks
he's gonna get lucky,
you drop a lighter
into a puddle of gasoline
that Gil just happens
to be standing in,
turning him into
the Human Torch.
(SCREAMS)
MATT: Now, me and Keith
are gonna meet up with Brock.
We crack the safe,
we load up the bags,
and we get the fuck
out of there.
We all meet up out front
of the Con.
We're scot-free.
We celebrate.
Me and Allison make out,
just like she always planned.
That's the plan?
So much wrong with that plan.
You think I'm gonna just
light a man on fire?
KEITH:
What about Adam King?
What about security cameras?
What about Callahan?
What about people seeing
our fucking faces?
Why don't we just do
the stormtropper thing?
Because we're doing an original.
This is not a sequel.
But I'm wearing
a Targaryen princess outfit
for absolutely no reason?
Well, one reason.
I think I could still
catch that bus.
- Well, I'm in.
- MATT: Thank you, Brock.
You can still grow some balls
in plan B.
Right before Adam King's
panel starts,
Keith and I will be
on the floor in costumes,
so we won't get caught.
Yeah, bitch.
Callahan will be on guard
outside Gil's office.
Allison,
it's gonna be your job
to seduce Callahan
away from the office.
You do this by having sex
with Callahan.
And in the middle of
that disgusting act,
you knock out Callahan
with a tire iron.
Now, after breaking in
through the air vents,
Brock, you're gonna radio me
and Keith, so we can come in,
grab the cash,
and skedaddlee-do outta there.
Allison, you're gonna
infiltrate, that's right,
infiltrate
the security office
and wipe all
the security footage clean,
wearing a different
sexy cosplay outfit.
Dealer's choice.
We meet up in the parking lot.
We drive off into the sunset
in Bigfoot Number One.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Allison, you and me
make out hard.
Go big, finish big.
Why am I the whore?
Why can't Keith be the whore?
- Well...
- I'll be the whore.
Bigfoot?
What, do you live in the '80s?
Oh, yeah, and on that note, I
cannot drive a monster truck.
You did in Downtown Crime.
That was Gary Jensen,
stuntman.
Not a problem, 'cause I got it
all worked out in plan C.
- Plan C?
- Plan C?
Same thing out front.
Me and Keith are gonna
be on the floor.
Brock, you're in
your favorite place.
Allison, you're still
distracting Callahan,
but you're not
having sex with him.
You just need to get him away
from that door.
You're gonna be hauling ass
over to the security office,
and you're gonna be wiping all
the security footage clean,
wearing a sexy,
tiny Japanese anime number.
Brock rappels down
the air vent.
He unlocks the door
for me and Keith.
We crack the safe,
we load up all the bags
and get the heck outta there.
We meet at the getaway car,
Lee Harvey Oswald's
favorite target practice,
a cherry Lincoln Continental.
- Hold up.
- (GUNSHOTS)
I'm not happy about being
on security detail,
but I'll do it.
But you're in
for the outfits, right?
Problem is,
if we wipe the security cams,
we can't keep track of Adam
King and Gil on the floor.
Not a problem.
We got Brock in the air vents.
Cover all our asses.
Where are these cars
coming from?
It's my plan, man.
I get to pick the cars.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we
just take a shuttle bus?
This plan you speak of
is full of holes.
- Shut up, Matt.
- (MUMBLES)
However, I think
we can really do this.
Guys, we gonna do this?
I'm in.
I'm in.
It's like the tip of my cock
in your ass, Matt.
I'm in.
Yes!
We still need one more person
just to keep their
eyes on Gil.
And King.
I have an idea.
- I really should've been Obama.
- Why?
I don't know, it looks like
they outsourced Trump's hands.
Where the hell is Brock?
Right here.
What, this old thing?
(LAUGHS)
Watch it.
SID: Kirby taught me...
There's our guy.
How to be more dramatic,
how to make things
bigger than life,
and he was absolutely right.
Kirby was a wonderful man.
I mean, he taught me so much.
Um, Sid, hi.
- Allie bear.
- Rrr.
Hi. Love this disguise.
It's a Louise Brooks
sort of goth nerd?
It's Louise Brooks-ish, yeah.
Everybody, this is my favorite
artist working today,
Allison McNealy,
and she is great.
Oh, by the way, great work
on your book Battle Worlds.
It's fantastic. Great, kiddo.
Thanks.
Thank you, Sid.
Willie Nelson
is playing a concert.
Sorry, hon.
I'm a little deaf.
Willie Nelson
is playing a concert.
This is... That's Vietnam,
so you have to speak loud.
We've got great weed.
Guys, back in 20!
How much of this shit
have you kids been smoking?
KEITH: Not enough.
Whoa!
Hey, you're in Silicon Valley.
- Parks and Rec.
- Oh, that's not as funny.
I mean, it's still good.
I guess it's good.
Sid, come on,
what do you think?
- You in?
- I don't know, folks.
I'm still trying to wrap
my head around this thing.
Which does not make it
not the right thing to do.
I have a longer, darker
history with Adam King
than you kids know about.
Back in '79,
my lovely ex-wife,
God rest her soul,
warned me
that he was gonna screw me
on the Future Force TV deal,
which he did.
Had to fight for years
to get the rights back,
spent a small fortune
doing it.
Now I just wanna
share stories with fans,
and not with the inmates
of cell block D.
I grew up reading your comics,
Mr. Newberry.
What made your comics great
wasn't the superheroes.
Your books were about
human morality
wrapped in a superhero cape.
When those pages
were open, man,
I didn't think about
being the weird kid,
I didn't think about Tito Lopez
kicking my ass in the fourth grade.
When I was reading your books,
I wasn't alone.
That's it. The people
who come to these cons,
and I'm talking about
all of us,
this is where
we don't feel alone.
The Adam Kings of the world?
The Gils?
They're robbing that from us.
They overcharge,
and they treat the fans
like shit.
Sid...
We wanna take it back
for the fans.
You know, either this grass
is really, really good,
or this kid just
monologued me.
Sid.
Listen, that was very good.
I wish I had a pen.
Sid, is that a yes?
Is that a yes?
You're great kids,
and Adam King is
an incredible asshole,
but unfortunately,
he makes up a major part
of my retirement income,
so you see,
he's my necessary evil.
Let's do another book soon.
Good luck, guys.
Sid...
Can you at least
think about it?
Not if I smoke
any more of that weed.
I'm gonna go play
some Allman Brothers.
- (GLASS BREAKS)
- Oops, sorry.
Thought this was
the hentai room.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
Dare I ask about a plan D?
Who has a plan D?
Obviously not you.
Oh, oh, Mr. King!
Mr. King!
Mr. King, can I please
have your autograph?
Sure, big guy, anything
for a Future Force fan.
- You're my hero.
- (KING LAUGHS)
- Oh, I love your work, man.
- I bet you do.
It's pretty good,
isn't it? Yeah.
All right, there ya go.
75 bucks, bro.
Oh, my sister's
at the restaurant.
I don't have any money.
I just thought you could
give it for me for free.
Oh, I don't...
I just thought...
Golden Guardian doesn't
work for free, kid.
You can have this when you go
into your sister's purse,
steal 75 bucks.
Got it right here for ya,
all right?
Yeah. Let's go, babe.
Bye-bye now.
Oh.
Think fast.
I can't believe who they
let in these things anymore.
You dick!
(SOBS)
Motherfucker!
ADAM: Hey, Sid Newberry,
you're still alive, huh?
Good for you, good for you.
You know,
that's not his real name.
Yeah, I can't ride a bike, and
I can't roller-skate either.
(DOOR OPENS)
Sid! I knew you'd come back.
How'd you find us?
I just came in
for some more of that weed.
(LAUGHING)
Thanks.
You know you don't have to keep
on working when you get fired.
Mm. This one's for me.
Really? You made me Adam King?
You're not Adam King.
Golden Guardian,
our fearless leader.
Fearless leader.
That's one thing
I've never been accused of.
Uh-oh.
There it is.
Hey, I feel like you're about
to bestow us some wisdom.
Here's some wisdom.
I just wish you guys
would just fuck already.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Don't do it for me.
Do it for you.
(RAGTIME PLAYING)
KEITH:
I just want you guys to fuck.
Just get it out of the way,
and then we can be
all normal again.
Can you believe this is possibly
our last night of freedom?
This is the best night
of my life.
I believe you.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
The night was mighty dark,
so you could hardly see.
And the moon
refused to shine.
There was this couple sitting
underneath the willow tree.
For love...
For love, they pined.
The little maid was
kinda 'fraid of darkness,
so she said,
"I guess I'll go."
The boy began to sigh.
He looked up in the sky,
and he told the moon
his little tale of woe.
He said...
Shine on
Shine on, harvest moon
Up in the sky
I ain't had no loving since
January, February,
June or July
Snow time
Ain't no time to stay
Outdoors and spoon
So shine on
Shine on, harvest moon
For me and my gal, yeah
So shine on
Shine on, harvest moon
Where?
Up in the sky
That's right!
I ain't had no lovin' since
January, February, June
It's so sad!
Snow time
Ain't no time
to stay outdoors and spoon
It leads to forking!
Shine on
Shine on, harvest moon
For me and my gal
MATT:
You know if we get nailed,
I just ruined the lives of four
people I really care about.
True.
Do you think you
and this crew
can handle 10 years
in a maximum security prison?
You heard Keith. He's happy for
the first time since he was 12.
Brock is clearly loving it.
Sid's finally
part of a superhero team.
So?
In or out, Wheeler?
If that's not Adam King, and
I'm now the Golden Guardian,
you gotta make my package
way bigger.
Just sayin'.
MATT: Okay, guys,
we all know the plan.
Until we actually
touch the money,
we haven't done
anything illegal.
We're just LARPing.
That's the story.
Yeah
Galaxy Enterprise
You know what it is
One, I'ma get it
They say the sky the limit
But I'm shooting
for the stars
'Cause the sky,
I'm living in it
Last night I had a vision
that I was gonna be rich
- Today I woke up rich
- Yeah.
- Ain't that a bitch
- There you are.
I just get this Guwop
and stack it
I just get this Guwop
and stack it
Ain't no leasing
on that phantom, nigga
(GROWLING)
I just get this Guwop
and stack it
Still got any body oil?
Body oil. Babe!
It's all about actin'
To be all G, these niggas PC
'Cause they definitely
ain't Mac'n
Talk bricks
all in that stash box
But he certainly
ain't trapping
They think the lane theirs
They ain't playing fair
To I catch 'em off
up in traffic
Run on 'em off the road
The king overthrown
Before ya realize
what happen, whoa
One, I'ma get it
They say the sky the limit
But I'm shooting
for the stars
'Cause the sky,
I'm living in it
Last night I had a vision
that I was gonna be rich
Today I woke up rich
Ain't that a bitch
I just get this Guwop
and stack it
I just get
this Guwop and stack it
I just get this Guwop
and stack it
Ain't no leasing
on that phantom, nigga
I just get this Guwop
and stack it
Ain't no leasing
on that phantom, nigga
I just get this Guwop
and stack it
Good luck.
I feel like that was a reference
to something I should know.
- This is it.
- See ya in a few.
All right.
Yo, Wheeler.
- Yeah.
- Don't fuck this up,
there might be something waiting
for you at the end of it.
Motherfucker.
(DRILL WHIRRING)
Boom!
- All right.
- We have a hole.
That's quite a hole.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Not bad.
- Speaking of.
- Wait.
You couldn't just be
a cat burglar.
You had to be
a sexy cat burglar?
This was the only outfit
I could find on the floor
that fit the job.
Are you wearing heels?
Yes, I am.
Well, more of a go-go boot,
but yes.
Where the fuck
is your harness?
It's underneath.
Want me to ruin this line?
Well, you working it, pussycat.
Come over here.
Thank you, Matt.
(MEOWS)
Let's give you some light.
Must be so tight on my junk
'cause it feels very good.
- It's a natural tea bag.
- Thank you.
Oh, God, wait!
Those are my balls! Please!
You're touching my taint!
Get outta my taint!
- That's my face.
- Oh, sorry. Can you smell that?
Go, Brock, go!
It's like being a suppository
in the anus of hell.
I can't believe
that you got...
- Oh, shit!
- (THUD)
(GLASS BREAKS)
- BROCK: I'm fine.
- Brock!
It's good? Huh?
BROCK: Help.
I mean,
just stay where you are.
Okay.
Jesus!
Can you feel
your legs?
BROCK:
I've got legs?
Let's just get
him the bags.
BROCK: Just stay where you...
Throw me the bags!
- (THUD)
- Oh!
Thanks.
Okay.
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
MATT: Let us know when
the eagle has left the nest.
KEITH: I'm fogging up
faster than a teenager
in the back seat
of a Honda Civic.
MATT: Be thankful
you're not wearing a turban.
You know, 40 years...
Ooh!
(EXHALES)
38 movies,
2 television shows,
and you are by far the worst
sound guy I've ever worked with.
I mean, seriously,
look at this.
Looks like I have a hernia.
You giving me a hand job now?
Hi, gents.
Do you guys mind
if I hang back here,
see the big panel?
I just love to see
the fans' faces
when they talk about
Future Force.
Yeah, well,
that makes one of us.
GIL: You want me
to get this guy, King?
- Who the fuck...
- Ah, that's okay.
It's all right.
He's harmless.
Aren't you, Sid?
Glad you're still my fan
after all those lawyers
got through with ya.
Boy, he's asking for it.
Oh, now it looks like I have
R2D2 hanging from my balls.
- Seriously?
- Sorry, sir.
Come on, beat it, Pepe.
Get outta here.
Yep, you know, I haven't
killed a man since Vietnam,
but that may change today.
Here you go, honey.
You're welcome.
(SIGHS)
I can give you this handheld
mic, if you'd rather.
You mean this was an option
the entire time?
I'm sorry.
I just thought that...
(MIC FEEDBACK)
Oh, my God.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
- (MUSIC STARTS)
- (CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: You know him
as Tex Johnson,
you know him as
the Golden Guardian,
it's the one, the only,
Adam King!
(CHEERING)
Yes!
Yes!
(LAUGHS)
Look at us.
What a great crowd.
I think this is the biggest
crowd so far at the Con.
Isn't it? Right?
(CHEERING)
I know it is.
They sold too many tickets,
you know,
but there's a line
all the way around
this huge, uh...
This huge convention center.
It goes all the way around.
You people are the lucky ones.
The eagle is in flight.
King's onstage.
I got eyeballs on Gil.
We're good to go.
MATT: Allison, you're up.
Get Callahan off that door.
What are you doing here
all by yourself?
Nothing's working.
KEITH: (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE)
He's gotta be a terminator.
MATT: No red-blooded male
can resist that.
BROCK: (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE)
He's gay.
That UFC macho shithead
bullshit isn't fooling anybody.
He's gay as a goose.
Puts the dump in cumdump.
He's so gay,
he puts an S in turtle.
Damn light's not working.
Damn this piece of shit.
I'm above the office.
Get in here.
KEITH: We should've got Brock
for this.
I see, I see
a bunch of Xenas here.
Look, yeah,
there's one up there.
Ooh, very nice.
You should move down in front.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Very good.
Ah, Lucy. Do we love Lucy?
Do we all love Lucy Lawless?
I met Lucy
many, many years ago.
Of course, she wasn't
Lucy Lawless then.
She was Lucy Kiwi...
I don't know.
This statuesque,
remarkably clear-skinned girl
comes up and gets her diploma,
and I said, "Who is that?"
She was, boy, barely 18,
I think, and she was...
- Guys, Gil's starting to move.
- MATT: Stall him, Sid.
- How?
- The Elvis story.
Gil, I just wanted
to thank you
for letting me hang back here
and watch King in action.
I really appreciate it.
No problem, Sid, no problem.
Which, by the way,
speaking of King,
did I ever tell you
about the time
that Elvis and I nearly died
in a private plane crash?
No.
When the scene was over,
which got a little steamy,
the director yelled cut,
she looked down at me,
and she said...
CROWD: Whoa!
"Yes! You are the King!"
(LAUGHS)
Don't stop me
if you've heard this story.
July 4th of 1971, yeah,
'cause it was right after
Elvis did his big
comeback special,
the one with
the black leathers.
- Uh-huh
- Anyway, we're on the plane,
Sonny and Red and me and E,
and all of a sudden,
on the way back to Memphis,
the Colonel just brings out
this huge bag of mushrooms.
- What?
- I mean, just incredible.
Don't you think people are
too hard on the new DC movies?
You know what I really love
about the new Supes?
What's that?
Red undies on the inside
because, you know...
Hey, Sid, I gotta go.
Have a good one.
Sick bastard.
Douche nozzle.
Okay, you guys, we lost him.
I can't hold him.
The walrus
is back in the water.
KEITH: (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE)
Allison, do whatever you gotta do,
but do it right now.
Copy.
Did you just call me ma'am?
Do I look like a ma'am
to you, dickhead?
No, I wasn't trying...
Does this ass look
like a ma'am to you?
- Ma'am, you have to leave.
- Oh, you just said it again.
I don't have to do anything.
What is this, Nazi Germany,
you goose-stepping, leg-day
skipping Hitler wannabe?
- What?
- You heard me, Ferrigno.
- MATT: Oh, yeah.
- What?
You get to tell me what to do
just 'cause I'm a woman?
You got a dick?
No, no, no, no,
you jackboot-wearing
Game of Thrones
Mountain wannabe!
First of all,
it's Mr. Ferrigno.
And I ain't no Nazi.
And I have never missed
a leg day in my life.
Put me down!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Chicken leg!
Are you kidding me?
Put me down!
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, Supercon.
If anyone found
a red nylon wallet
during this afternoon's
furry pile,
please return it
to the Con op's office.
Getting screwed today is me.
Open, you faggot!
KEITH: Imagine that. The door
was open the entire time.
MATT: Let's go, ladies.
Get him up.
How do you even pick me up
with those chicken legs?
What, do you just skip
leg day every time?
Shut up.
(CLUCKING)
Actually, you know what,
I think we're good.
You can just put me down here.
Sounds like a misunderstanding.
- See, I thought...
- She is outta here!
Escort this to its car.
I'm sorry. I thought those were
white supremacist tattoos.
I haven't been to prison.
I watch too much Lockup.
What do you want from me?
I have a badge.
It's inside.
I have to pee.
Can I go pee?
I'm on my period.
Can I... No?
You guys wanna wrestle
for this?
You wanna tussle?
Who wants to get their ass
kicked by a girl? Come on.
Escort this!
I hope you guys are having
better luck than me.
- Why? What happened?
- I had to improvise.
Just hurry the fuck up.
(PANTING)
(COUGHING)
What superhero
could wear fucking heels?
That's a big door.
Guys, we got a problem.
There's a heavy-duty,
fire-rated big-ass locked door.
Where the fuck is the money?
- What's wrong?
- I don't think I can...
MATT: You in?
Come on, we're working here!
Are you in?
Convenient.
I'm in.
Bringo. Found it. Bag!
Bag, bag, bag, bag.
Come on, come on.
Bag, bag, bag.
Take it, take it, take it.
(LAUGHS)
Shit, tell me there's more.
What the fuck?
Yeah, fucker, yeah!
Yeah, you motherfuckers thought
y'all was gonna come in here
and get my money, didn't you?
- Put it down.
- I will fucking shoot.
- Take the fucking mask off.
- What the...
Aw, hell no.
(THUD)
MATT: Damn!
Bitch better have my money.
Yeah, I told you
I'd be there.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Whoopsies.
(CHUCKLES)
No, you didn't.
That's not gonna stop ringing
anytime soon, right?
No, and I made sure it was
fully charged for today.
Fuck.
Give me a boost.
If I turn something down,
the next guy they go to
is Bruce Willis,
and Bruce would say,
"Oh, yeah, I'll do it.
"Did King turn it down?
I'll do it, I'll do it."
Right, well,
it worked out for him.
It worked out for him fine,
you know,
because lightning strikes
every now and then.
All right, enough of this.
Let's bring the girls out.
It's photo time, huh?
Yeah, good.
- (CHEERING)
- Yeah!
There we are.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah.
All right, everyone,
that's my time.
Guys, we got a problem.
The King's wrapping up
his panel.
Guys, this is gonna
take a few minutes.
MATT: Do not let him leave.
You gotta stall him, man.
(CHEERING)
- The future...
- Is yours.
(CHEERING)
Sid Newberry, everybody.
- What are you doing, old man?
- Don't worry, Junior.
Just approximating
how a real man does it.
This reminds me of a story
in, around, I suppose,
the early 1980s.
I was ghostwriting
a little television film
in the beautiful city
of Detroit, Michigan.
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, Supercon,
now signing
in Autograph Alley,
William Shatner's brother,
George Takei's aunt,
Leonard Nimoy's sister,
and the great Wil Wheaton.
Ooh.
Shit.
Ugh.
Fake ass
piece of fucking gun.
My money.
Ah, my fucking money!
Son of a bitch!
Oh! Fuck!
Where the fuck was you at?
I had to throw somebody out.
Damn! What happened
to your face?
Don't worry about that.
Go radio everybody
and lock the doors.
No purple Guardian,
no yellow, gold Guardian,
no none of that shit!
You said this would be open!
Why isn't it open?
I'm not going to fucking jail.
And I'm not getting arrested
in baby blue Spandex, man.
Hey, hey, hey, let's just
go out the front doors.
Are you fucking nuts?
Yeah.
Fucking white people.
(STOMACH CHURNING)
(DEFECATING)
(SPLASH)
Jesus, what the hell
is that smell?
I'm too old for this shit.
- I'm some fucking TV star.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
I'm in a fucking pipe
over a Comicon convention.
Gotta stop doing
so many drugs.
That's what you get for dropping
acid at a Bananarama concert.
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Oh, wrong ear.
Hi, Dad.
No, I don't know what...
No, soda.
Soda. That's why it's called
a scotch and soda.
I gotta call you back.
I'm busy.
I'm in a tube.
I think they
come out at night.
I think they
come out at night.
ALLISON: Brock, where are you?
BROCK: Guys, I'm stuck.
I'm lost.
ALLISON: You can't go back
to Gil's office.
Callahan just got back.
Just stay where you are.
We'll come get you.
BROCK: Oh, that smell.
Would you please shut up?
Man's trying to
take a shit here!
BROCK: Those tits are huge!
I have no idea where I am.
I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna head up.
This cannot be
this fucking hard.
- No.
- (STOMACH GURGLING)
Jesus Chri...
(FARTING)
BROCK: It's like
beef and broccoli.
It's like...
Oh, my God.
All right,
I'll give you that one.
That one was bad.
(GAGS)
Listen, stop it!
Just get me out.
(BANGING ON SCREEN)
Mister, get me out!
(RETCHING)
Shouldn't have
had that hot dog.
It's like making out
with David Lee Roth.
I will come up there,
so help me to God!
- I'm gonna come up there!
- (RETCHING)
What the fuck is wrong
with people?
BROCK: Get me out of here.
Somebody get me out of here.
(POOPING)
Ahh!
Oh, my God,
kung pao chicken.
Fine!
You win, asshole!
You win.
Oh, my God, it's so gross.
Oh, my God, it's so gross.
I'ma leave you a little gift.
I'm not wiping, so fuck you.
He's not even wiping!
Guys, you gotta
get me out of here.
Asshole.
- (BANGING ON METAL)
- What the hell was that?
Allison?
Allison, get me out of here.
What the hell?
Oh, my God.
Gotta get me outta here.
Get me outta here!
(SPLASH)
(RETCHING)
Brock, whatever's going on with
you, you gotta suck it up...
MATT: Please tell me you
killed those hard drives.
You know what?
You think it's so fucking...
Bringo.
- The drives are dead.
- KEITH: We're stuck.
Get out. We got a fire alarm
that could go off any minute.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight's
screening of Chum 3-D
- is brought to you by Flotex.
- Sid!
If you're bleeding,
you're leaving.
You're gonna be
at the nursing home
giving out $20 ass-licks
up there with them old ladies.
Yeah! All because you didn't
wanna do your fucking job.
Fuckin'...
Ah! Shit!
Come on, let's go.
Let's get the fuck outta here.
(CROWD CHEERING)
You hijacked my panel,
Grandpa.
I've killed men for less.
Don't you ever get tired
of the hacky macho act?
Don't you turn your back
on me, you old hack.
You know, you come
to these conventions
what, just about every week,
tell the same old
tired stories,
fleece these kids
for all their worth.
On a certain level,
I think that's totally fine.
You get what you want,
and that's great,
and I guess they get
what you think they want.
And I understand you are at the
top of Convention Mountain,
But I gotta tell you, it's not
always gonna be that way.
What you thought the fans
wanted wasn't what they wanted.
What they wanted
was a connection.
And you never had
a connection
with any of the people that
you've spent all this time with.
You can't even open your eyes
to the enjoyment
that your talent gave
to your fans.
So my prediction for you
is unpleasantness
in the days to come.
My prediction for you is not
much force in your future.
Now, do you think I am
fucking lying to you?
Do you think I am
fucking with you?
'Cause I'll tell you,
I am not fucking with you.
Adam, we need to talk, man.
No, listen, it's all right.
I was just busting his balls.
Oh, God!
Damn! What was that all about?
It's okay. What...
What's the issue?
- (GLASS BREAKS)
- Son of a bitch!
- What'd they look like?
- Fuckin' Future Gold.
One of 'em's gold,
one of 'em's purple.
I know what
the Future Fucks look like.
- Grab the intern, get my money.
- Copy that.
I didn't spend a whole weekend
shaking hands
and signing shit
for these assholes for free.
- I'll take it out of your hide.
- Out of my...
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
We regret to inform you
that Supercon
is officially over.
We are closing the doors.
Who the fuck gave them
authority to do that?
Shut up, shut up.
Somebody on your team has
their head out of their ass.
That means there's only one
way out for these pricks now.
Close all the doors.
No exceptions! None!
- Come on.
- No exceptions.
Get outta my way!
- VIP coming through!
- GIRL: Hey!
(CHIME)
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
We regret to inform you
that Supercon
is officially over.
We are closing the doors.
Please make your way
to the main exit
at the front
of the convention center.
My turn, asshole!
Nut check.
(GROANS)
Go, go, go! I got this.
Fuck that.
I'm not leaving without you.
I will find you. Go, go.
No. I'll never be the same
without you.
(WATER DRIPPING)
My God.
Who's there?
Help me! Somebody there?
Somebody give me a towel.
A wet wipe?
Maybe a napkin?
(SCREAMS)
Somebody? Who's there?
Oh, my God.
It's in my mouth.
Oh, my God, who's there?
Help me!
Help me!
When I say "scat,"
I mean get away.
Who's there? Who's there?
Oh, my God.
I want my mother.
(SCREAMS)
SID: Allison, don't worry
about Brock. I got him.
Gather our stuff and let's
get the hell outta Dodge.
Thanks, Sid, you're the best.
- (MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
- Hey, you...
(METAL SCRAPING)
(GROWLING)
Okay.
Hey, I got a question.
Where'd you get that suit?
My son loves this show.
He thinks it's awesome.
You see Adam King?
That guy was dynamite.
LARPing, right? We were
just talking about this.
It's incredible. Just smile.
Last picture this guy will ever
have with a full set of teeth.
All right, hold on, tough guy.
We'll get to you in a minute.
(CLICK)
All right, okay, all right.
Uh, you know
where the hentai room is?
The wife, she's into all that.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, sorry for interrupting.
I'm sorry.
Get back to your stupid...
Let's go.
- (GROWLS)
- You are not gonna believe
how shitty the camera
on my phone is,
'cause this was totally
so blurry.
One more, one more.
All right, get in there.
Hentai!
- (CLICK)
- Fantastic.
Hey, what do you got
that big sword for, big guy?
Pick on this little guy?
You're gonna kick his ass
anyway. Who cares?
Just drop the sword.
Come on!
- (CLATTERS)
- Nice. Thank you.
He is gonna kill you.
Let's go.
Thank you very much,
gentlemen.
(GROWLING)
(ELECTRIC WHIRRING)
Come with me
if you want to live.
Nice.
Go, go, go!
I got a bad feeling
about this.
Yeah!
King! Love the weave!
(LAUGHS)
(SCREAMS)
Like this?
Oh, shit!
Keith! Keith!
I'm okay.
You're an idiot.
Hey! Watch where you're going,
assholes!
Yeah, he can't drive, man.
Boys, don't forget
your backpacks.
Thanks, Ms. Lily.
Holy shit, you're Adam King.
Can I get your autograph?
Where are those
sons of bitches?
There. There they are.
Come on.
GIL: They're getting away!
Not before I kill 'em.
Bitches, move.
- Get in there.
- I can't drive no car.
- Shut up! Get in there!
- The fuck is this, man?
- I can't even drive a stick.
- (ENGINE REVVING)
Go!
- Come on!
- Hey, what the fuck you doin'?
- Hey!
- Come on, Gil.
- You gonna kill us.
- Drive, you son of a...
You see what he
did to my hair?
Your hair was
already fucked up.
They put their hands on me.
Go! What's the matter with you?
You crazy?
- (MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
- There they are.
I got 'em.
I got their ass.
Come on, man, accelerate!
What the... Hey!
Yeah, right here.
- Help!
- Yeah!
Help!
Okay, okay, okay, slow down.
It not working.
It not working!
(SCREAMING)
What the fuck?
Oh! Get me outta this shit!
You call the police.
No! I'm getting the fuck
outta here!
Smartphone?
TMZ would pay a fortune, no?
ADAM: I'm gonna kill
these guys!
Gimme that shit.
Where's the fucking
money at, man?
- GIL: Where's the shit?
- ADAM: Where's my money?
- Where the fuck is the money?
- I don't know.
Just play it cool, Keith.
- Hey, hey, shit!
- Where's my money?
What money?
My money, you...
Went all weekend
collecting this stuff, man.
Why were you guys
running then, huh?
'Cause you two fucks
fired us.
- Adam.
- Just shut the fuck up, Gil.
Look, I know you two
stole my money.
You think I'd come here
on the weekends
and sign stuff for these sweaty
bastards because I want to?
Because I crave their attention?
Because I want their approval?
No. I'm Adam Fucking King.
That shit is Sid's job with
his little fucking bow tie
and his suspenders
and his shitty toupee.
I'm Adam King!
Where's my fucking money?
You think there's room
in these outfits
for your greedy money,
you shithead?
- Well, let's find out.
- Hey, whoa!
Here, Mr. King, here.
That should cover them.
What is this?
It's for a photo op with you.
I'm sure these guys
meant to pay you,
but that's all I have left.
Your prices were a little
outrageous this year,
- if I do say so myself.
- Are you kidding me?
I'm talking hundreds of thousands
of dollars they stole.
Hundreds of thousands.
I don't have it, man.
Make sure you all
get my good side.
God knows you morons
don't have one.
- Let's get the fuck outta here.
- Look at yourselves!
Painted faces,
rhinestones everywhere.
Stupid costumes! God!
I got it all, and that's
the way it's gonna stay.
I see any of this on the
Internet, I'll sue you all!
I'm Adam Fucking King!
Future Force!
Shazam.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
Oh, wow,
a Future Force helmet.
This is for me?
The future is yours.
Cool.
Hey, aren't you
the ball cancer kid?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Nice.
Oh, so sweaty inside.
(SNIFFS)
Ugh! And it stinks!
Ugh! Like ball cancer.
Don't even ask.
The money's gone.
Oh, my God, Brock.
Not another word, Matt.
Not another word.
You guys didn't think you'd
get away that easy, did you?
MATT: No way.
Ms. Lily?
(CHUCKLES)
I gotta hand it to you guys.
You sure made
this Fourth of July fun,
even if I did have to dig
Brock out of the bathroom.
That was you?
Don't worry.
That's all yours.
- I already took my share.
- What?
Well, I put a little extra
in there for Keith.
If I hadn't drawn
that big cock on King's car,
Gil probably wouldn't
have fired you.
I felt just a tad bit
responsible.
Yeah, but how did you...
Duh.
You mean J.K. Rowling?
Thanks, Dumbledore.
We regret to inform you that
Supercon is officially over.
(BANGING ON METAL)
- Help me!
- Thank you, Ms. Lily.
I did that Dragoncon job
because who's gonna
put Ms. Lily,
loved, adored, respected,
children's show host
behind bars?
Besides, it's a hell of a rush
being more bad than good.
Right now
we gotta get outta here.
And, sweetie...
My couch pulls out,
but you don't have to.
MATT: Oh, snap.
(LAUGHING)
Well done, lady.
You guys did amazing.
Yeah, her too.
Oh, oh, my God.
Not one word.
I was number four!
Number four sexiest man
in the world, 1982.
You know what?
Fuck the fans.
I'm done with all you fucking
hairless fanboys.
I think you got it backwards.
We're done with you!
Oh, the mouth-breather speaks.
What'd you say?
Yeah, fuck you, Adam King!
Yeah, you supposed to be
treating the fans
with love and loyalty,
and you treat the fans
like that?
Fuck you! Supercon
don't want your ass either!
Supercon's done with
your old KFC-looking ass.
You would never
try to screw anyone
out of their
hard-earned money,
would you, Gil?
Douche nozzle!
Little motherfucker.
Are you all getting
good shots for free?
This should cost you.
Geez, you all are pathetic.
Look at you.
(LAUGHING)
What are you laughing about?
What, you think this is funny?
What is the matter
with you people?
Liberace, you know him?
He hit on me four times.
What has happened
to this country?
You wanna be me.
All you women
wanna be with me.
You see, I have something
you all don't have.
You know what it is?
Power!
I'm the power of a celebrity,
and you...
(LAUGHING)
Rule number one...
Don't fuck with the fans.
Told you that car
was a piece of shit.
- (CROWD LAUGHING)
- Don't mess with me!
Don't mess with the King.
- (BELL DINGS)
- Hey, NerdGasm! Rob, Sean.
We just got back from
Supercon, and holy shit,
Adam King lost his mind!
Social retards.
You're 180 degrees
of pathetic copycats.
While you all are beating off
in your grandparents' garage,
I'm gonna be banging
a supermodel.
What do you
think of that, huh?
Sean can't even get
his fucking helmet off.
My whole world is blowing.
It's going like this.
What do you know?
J.J. Abrams?
He sent me the script
for Lost, right?
What a stupid name.
Then I fired his ass.
We don't know what's happening.
Like shit is crazy.
We got fucking kids
stealing shit.
Everybody, steal some shit.
He doesn't have cameras here.
Come down to Lickety Split
and steal some shit.
You know Joss Whedon?
- Joss?
- SEAN: Yeah, we know Joss.
I'm the guy that told him
to drop the H,
so he would stand out.
Joss Whedon owes me
his entire career.
ROBERT: That was actually
a pretty good suggestion.
Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
What are you, the sweatiest
man in the world?
What's up, YouTube?
Adam King
at the end of Supercon.
He makes Mel Gibson look like
a freaking pre-school teacher.
Carrie Fisher and I
got to second base.
I was drunk. You know
who she is, don't you?
Duh!
Adam King is fucked.
He just stepped into
a big vat of shit.
Supercon is done.
The future is fucked. Forced.
You think that David O.
Russell shit was something?
Wait till you see this.
We are going to sell
this shit to TMZ,
and we're going to be rich!
I cannot wait for it.
(GIBBERISH)
Warren Beatty is my wingman.
Hasselhoff's a pussy.
I got it all, and that's
the way it's gonna stay.
Fuck the fans.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Passion hides
In painted smiles
Tropical liaisons
Wet and wild
Mingle and chime
The latter climb
For glamour and for glow
(LAUGHING)
The jet set meets
the maritime
Hey, watch it!
You're Lizzie Fisher?
I love your movies so much.
Can I have your autograph?
Princesses don't
work for free, kid.
Let's go.
And your will is dying
Let's go get you drunk.
I knew there was a reason
I liked you.
(LAUGHING)
Twat.
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
MS. LILY:
Supercon is officially over.