"My life"
"Is ever so perfect"
"My life"
"Has been a bed of roses"
"And you might think I'm crazy"
"So what, if I am"
"My head is full of good things"
"Enough for everyone"
"Beautiful"
"ls all I see when I look at me"
"Beautiful"
"Everymother's dream"
"Day by day"
" Things just keep getting prettier"
"Beautiful"
" What a wondeful life"
"My life"
"is really quite simple"
"My life"
"is just what I make it"
"I think you think I'm seeing"
"Only things I wanna see"
"The truth is that I'm being"
"Who I wanna be"
"Beautiful"
"What a wondeful life"
"Beautiful"
"Things keep getting prettier"
"Beautiful"
-"Thinks keep getting prettier"
-"So pretty"
"Beautiful"
"My life, beautiful"
There are 2 different ways
of getting into a swimming pool.
The first way, you take your toe...
and you carefully test
the water's temperature.
And if that feels okay,
slowly get into the water,
letting your body
adjust to the cold.
Then there's the second way
of getting into a pool.
- Aah !
- You jump.
That's me, Mary Katherine Gallagher.
It's nice to meet you.
Okay. Now, they say that God
works in mysterious ways.
And in my case, very mysterious.
Anyway, this is my story,
and you should pay attention
'cause it's starting right now.
[ Coughing ]
- Are you all right ?
- Yeah, I'm fine. [ Coughing ]
Your birthmark looks like shit.
- So, you're okay?
- Yeah.
Lifeguard!
Aah !
I grew up in a little town
called Besamee Heights.
It's this really friendly place
where everyone likes to say "hi."
[Man]
Hi there.
[Mary] I grew up in what people
called the ugliest house...
with the ugliest lawn
and the ugliest dog.
[ Growls ]
[ Squealing ]
My mom and dad died in this horrible
accident when I was a baby,
so my grandmother took care of me.
And my grandmother
was in an accident too.
Actually, most of my family
had gotten hurt at some point.
- We're sort of accident-prone.
- [ Groans ]
I'm off.
Now, my grandmother used to
always say that when I grow up,
I should become a business woman.
But I didn't really
think about business,
mostly because I couldn't stop
thinking about the one thing...
that I wanted more
than anything in the world.
A kiss. A big Hollywood
fireworks type of kiss.
So each night before I went to bed,
I would pray for God to help me.
And please, God,
send me someone to make out with...
and tongue kiss like this.
[ Slurping ]
Then one day
while me and my grandmother...
were watching some old movie,
it hit me.
There was only one way
I'd ever get what I wanted.
I would have to become
exactly like those people l saw...
getting kissed in the movies.
- I would have to become--
- A superstar.
Ooh, ah.
[ "Ave Maria" ]
This is St. Monica's.
It was the first place
I really thought l had a chance...
of making my dream come true.
[Reciting
The Lord's Prayer]
[ Whispering ]
Superstar !
- Amen.
- Shh.
-[Singing Continues]
- Sorry.
So I tried out for every star-making
activity that St. Monica's offered.
- Higher. Higher.
- Like ballet.
Ooh !
And my gymnastics tryout
didn 't go very well either.
- [Whistle Blows]
- [ Grunts ]
Whoa !
[Girls Laughing]
Evian Graham,
the most beautiful, most popular,
most bulimic girl
at St. Monica's.
Summer, Autumn,
I need your help.
- Yes, Evian ?
- Yes, Evian ?
We could either organize a walkathon
to fight multiple sclerosis...
or a bike-a-thon
to fight polio.
- What'll it be ? Hmm ?
- Hmm.
All the boys liked her.
I think because she had a nice body.
What are you looking at,
boobsweat ?
- Nothing.
- It's called a bra, Mary.
But don't worry.
You'll never need one.
Ow ! You hurt my titty.
I'm sorry. You had a little spot
there on your brassiere,
and I was just trying
to... wipe it off.
I'm sorry.
I got this after-schooljob
at Kip 's Video Warehouse...
as the rewind girl...
so that I could study
as many superstars as possible.
I thought
the more movies I watched,
the more they'd rub off on me,
and people said that they did.
Especially movies like Carrie,
starring Academy Award-winner
Sissy Spacek.
What are you doing ?
I'm using my telekinesis
to kill the girl...
who threw pig's blood on me
at the prom.
Okay.
Kip also had those made-for-
television movies which I love.
Father, forgive me
for I have sinned.
It has been two days
since my last confession.
Go ahead.
Tell me your sins, my child.
Father, my sins
would best be expressed...
in a monologue from
the made-for-TV movie Sybil,
starring Sally Field as a woman
with multiple personality disorder.
- Go ahead.
- Ah, look at you.
My pretty little girl,
sitting there with her face all
painted up and a little halter top.
You're nothing
but a little slut.
Don't call me that.
I'm a Puerto Rican lady, senor.
We all know you're a slut,
Sybil Anne Dorsett.
We know you're a little slut.
No, I'm not ! I'm not a slut !
I'm not a slut!
I'm not a slut!
I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut!
I ain 't no slut!
[ Crying ]
[ Congregation Murmuring ]
Sorry. Sorry.
[ Speaking, lndistinct ]
No big deal.
The more I kept trying
to become a superstar,
the less they thought I was one.
In fact, they had
all these other names for me.
Hey, lesbo.
- Dogface.
- Panty stain.
-And they also called me--
- Skid mark.
- Nipple hair.
- Lame.
- Loser.
- Did I say lesbo ?
Are you aware that I am rubber
and you are glue...
and everything that you say to me
bounces off of me and sticks to you?
So put that in your
back pocket. Okay.
And then l saw the one
who I wanted to kiss.
[Boy]
Sam, what's up? Hey, Greg.
- Dig the sneaks.
- Thanks.
Debbie, shaved your legs.
- Hey, Tom, sorry your dad's dead.
- [Mary] It was him.
Sky Corrigan.
The best guy dancer
in the school.
"Don't
Don't stop it"
- I call this one The Pepper Mill.
-"Don't stop, don't stop it"
Enjoy.
"Don't, don't, don't
Don't stop it"
Uh-oh. Is that the prettiest girl
in all of St. Monica's ?
All signs point to "yes."
[Sky] I bet you put that
cherry lip gloss on just for me.
- Shut up.
- You shut up.
- No, you shut up.
- Make me shut up.
Okay.
[Sky]
I like sugar.
Sugar is sweet.
I had a really good time
on our date last night. Did you ?
I wore this kiwi lime lip gloss
just for you.
You like it ? Huh ?
You like kiwi ?
Shut up.
You shut up.
'Cause you're sexy.
Shh. Shh.
I'm gonna spank you.
You wanna be spanked ?
Huh? You want me
to spank your booty ?
I'll spank it. I'll spank it.
I'll spank you.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh, God.
Oh, my body.
[ Clears Throat ]
Sorry. Sorry.
I was--
I was just-- I was just doing
my part to save the rain forest.
Sorry.
Mary, you're a special girl,
so special that we're going
to put you in special ed.
What are you doing
with your hands ?
Sometimes when I get nervous,
I stick my fingers under my arms...
and I smell them like that.
[ Inhaling ]
The universe.
How does it work ?
The Earth circles
around the sun.
Mary, welcome to special ed.
- My name is...
- Helen Lewengrub.
Is that all you got ?
She was center for
the girl's basketball team.
She was a lean,
mean fighting machine.
Do you have a best friend ?
You wanna be my best friend ?
Maybe. I have to be
really honest with you.
Your intense energy is making me
feel a little bit bombarded.
Sorry. Totally.
When I call your name,
just say "here, "hmm?Hmm?Hmm?
- Howard Feinstein? Hmm?
- Yo! Present.
Howard thinks all the girls
in school wanna sleep with him.
And the boys too.
You wanna quit
looking at me, fruity.
I don't play butt darts, okay ?
I love the ladies.
- Owen Flanagan ?
- Here. Here. Here. Here. Here.
Owen has
obsessive-compulsive disorder.
He says everything,
like,five times.
- Maria Ganitisis?
- Here.
But, uh, the devil
speaks for me, obviously.
[Father]
Ah.
- Thomas Smith?
- Here.
But I don't know where here is, man,
'cause I'm so wasted, man.
Thomas, stop pretending
that you're high on drugs.
It is a sin to even pretend
that you're-- you're-- you're baked.
He's too scared
to actually take drugs.
- Drugs are bad.
- Eric Slater ? Hmm ?
[ Both ] Retards !
[ Laughing ]
Would you please go back
to your own class? Please. Go !
Mr. Slater, I presume. Hmm ?
How come he's not answering?
Slater just transferred here
from public school.
He's crazy.
They say he chopped up his parents.
And now he never talks.
[Clears Throat] Let's try it again.
Eric Slater? Hmm ?
Yes, well, moving on.
[ Clears Throat ]
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, new friend.
Did you see that sign
they're putting up?
"Catholic Teenager Magazine
presents...
"the Let's Fight Venereal Disease
Talent Contest.
"Winner gets a free trip
to Hollywood--
[ Both ]
And a chance to be an extra...
in a movie
with positive moral values."
Oh, God.
[Man]
Miss Gallagher!
Miss Gallagher, so how
does it feel to be an extra...
in a movie
with positive moral values ?
- It feels okay.
- [Man] Miss Gallagher.
How does it feel to have
everyone wanna kiss you...
that particular way
you wanna be kissed ?
Miss Gallagher,
howdoes it feel to be a superstar?
[Mary]
This was my chance.
If I could win the talent contest,
Sky's lips would definitely be mine.
Hey, everybody. I dreamt of
this new dance move last night.
I call this The Fax Machine.
- [ Buzzing ]
- Oh !
I wish I could dance
with Sky Corrigan.
Sky's definitely the Swayziest,
but he's gonna dance with Evian.
- Exactly! You did it perfectly.
- [ Laughing ]
You're so good.
[ Engine Rewing ]
What do you think Slater
would do in the talent show ?
Maybe he'll murder some people...
and make a flesh coat
by sewing their skin hides together.
[ Groans ]
I'm sorry.
I was rewinding Silence of the Lambs
at the video store yesterday.
lsn't it romantic
"Merely to be young"
On such a night
As this
lsn't it romantic
Merely to be young
On such a night as this
Sweet
Singing in the moonlight
[ Man Speaking ]
lntroductions are important.
When introducing oneself,
first make eye contact.
With a confident smile,
say, "Hi. I'm--"
- Mary Katherine Gallagher.
- Not bad. Try again.
Hi. I'm Mary Katherine Gallagher.
- And where is your hand ?
- Right here.
In a new friend's hand,
that's where.
[TV]
[ Slurping ]
So, I was--
[ Clears Throat ]
I was saying that I was thinking
of entering the talent contest.
The talent contest ?
No, no ! You have
to study business.
- But--
- No buts !
[Mary] And forgive those
who trespass against us.
Please, God, convince my grandmother
to let me be in the talent show...
so that I can get kissed,
maybe by Sky Corrigan.
[ Whistling ]
Superstar !
The Body of Christ.
- The Body of Christ.
- Amen.
- The Body of Christ.
- Are these nonfat ?
"[ChoirSinging "A ve Maria "]
[ Chuckling ]
Hey, Mary.
Why so glum ?
My grandmother won't let me
audition for the talent show.
The only boy willing
to go near me is Howard.
Mmm.
Just, like, audition anyway
and don't tell her.
Really ?
You think so ?
That's it.
You're feeling sad.
- So you know what it's time for ?
- What ?
Supermodel
documentary hour.
Shall I look straight here ?
I was just walking
down the street one day,
and a man come up to me
and he said,
"Would you like
to be a supermodel ?"
I said, "Oui, " and the next day
I'm on the cover of Vogue.
Christy Turlington
and Naomi Campbell...
are two of my very best friends.
When we get together, it is, like,
total, total and utter insanity.
Insanity! lt's like three of the
most gorgeous girls raising hell.
Problem, ladies ?
Sorry, Father Ritley.
Sorry.
Sorry, everybody.
Sorry.
[Tape Rewinding]
- Excuse me.
- Whoa. Sorry.
- You're cool ?
- You scared me.
Yeah, I'm okay.
Your boss sent me back here
to find a movie.
Hey, don't you
go to my school ?
Yes, I do.
Listen, I'm looking for
a made-for-TV movie from the '70s...
starring John Travolta,
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble ?
That's my 19th favorite
made-for-TV movie of all time.
- That's my 19th also.
- Wow.
Yeah.
"All around me.
Plastic."
- "A bubble for me--"
- "To be--"
"Germ free. You--"
- "And me."
- "And me."
Sky, forget that stupid old movie.
I'm getting Flubber again.
Okay, Evian.
Hey, nice meeting you.
Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mary Katherine Gallagher.
- Sky.
- Sky.
- Be kind. Rewind.
- Okay.
[ Laughing ]
That's funny.
Evian ?
- Mary, rewind this.
- Oh, sure.
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
I used to watch that movie
all the time. See ya.
Bye.
Listen, I'll be back later
to help you get inside, okay ?
[ Quoting Dialogue ]
ls he the one you're going with ?
Who says I'm going with anybody ?
Todd, put your face
up against the plastic.
- What for ?
- I did what you wanted me to do.
Now do it.
Do it. Do it.
[ Sighs ]
[ Humming ]
Hey, Mare.
What you doing ?
Well, I was just
doing the robot.
It's something that I was thinking
about doing for the talent show.
Hi, Mary. I like to do all I can
to help the challenged.
So a word ofadvice.
I wouldn't say "Superstar"
anymore...
because some people might say
that you super-suck.
Go suck your
boyfriend's ding-a-ling.
- Go shave your mustache, Helen.
- Or should we say Geraldo ?
Gotta go jog for glaucoma.
Bye.
Evian, you're a superass !
Evian does have a super ass.
[ Helen ]
Oh, I know.
That's okay.
[ Sniffs ]
Hey, Mare.
- You want half of my Sloppy Joseph?
- No, thanks.
It's time to feed the retards !
- Hey, cut it out !
- Wanna make something out of this ?
Maybe you want some of my salad
all over your face!
Aah !
Helen, have you ever
kissed a boy before ?
Owen kissed me five times
on the cheek once.
- Really ?
- Hey, Owen.
Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
- I don't mean on the cheek.
- Okay, who do you wanna kiss ?
Todd, peanut butter and jelly.
Classic.
- Vivica, low-fat salad.
- Sky Corrigan.
But, Mare, Sky's taken.
- You should kiss Howard.
- Ugh.
He likes you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Mr. Feinstein, Pope-a-licious.
I love it.
Hey, Mary.
I saw you outside
doing that robot thing.
You have some nice moves.
- Thank you.
- You have some nice moves.
You have some nice moves.
Nice moves.
Mooooves.
May I have... this dance ?
"Everybody dance now"
"Everybody dance now"
"[Hip Hop]
- Whoo !
-"Everybody dance now"
"Left to right"
" Work me all night"
" Come on, let's sweat"
"Baby"
"Let the music take control"
"Let the rhythm move you"
"Sweat"
"Sweat"
[ All ]
Father, Son and Holy Ghost !
"Let the rhythm move you"
"[Scatting]
Yeah !
[Scatting Continues]
[ All ]
Fame !
"Everybody dance now"
-"[Ends]
- [Sky] Mary.
What are you doing ?
Sometimes l--
I get low blood sugar and it--
it makes me a little bit shaky.
Sorry. Sorry.
[ Crunching ]
[ Coughing ]
[Coughing Continues]
How is the, um, talent
competition coming ?
Quite well.
I don't want to point
the finger of blame, but...
who broke the good toaster ?
[ To Herself]
These are my breasts.
Oh, God.
They're so big.
I just need a big bra to
strap 'em back and support them...
because they're so huge.
They need to be hooked
and strapped in for support.
They're my big boobs.
This one is bigger
than this one,
'cause this is a mommy
and that's a baby.
And this one is
very nice to this one,
and they hold hands
'cause they're friends.
[Mary] And forgive those
who trespass against us.
Amen.
Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, candle.
Good night, God.
Good night, Mary.
- [ Gasps ] Oh, my God !
- Oh, my me !
- How are you ?
- It's going okay.
- Are you the Lord ?
- Well, to you I am.
See, technically,
you're like in this REM sleep state,
and I'm a mixture
of your mind's images of God,
some past authority figures,
Sky, and your dad.
Basically, your subconscious came up
with me to help you deal, dig ?
Yeah.
Uh, you want a glass of water ?
No, I'm good.
I'm God.
Oh, right.
- Is this your stereo ?
- Yep.
- CD player, huh ?
- Yep.
We don't have these.
"[Rock]
[ Humming Along ]
Spirit in the sky, in the--
That song's about me.
"[Ends]
Mary, I know
your soul is troubled.
And I'm here to guide you.
Okay.
My child, during this time
of great adversity,
I want you to do one thing:
Get jiggy with it.
- What ?
- You know. Get jiggy with it.
Na, na, na, na, na, na
Na-na, na-na, na na, na, na
Ow !
I'm-- I'm very sorry,
but l-- I don't know exactly
what the word "jiggy" means.
The point is,
I work in mysterious ways.
I mean, out there.
Listen to your heart.
Do whatever it tells you...
and go with the godly flow.
Okay.
- Oh, and most important,
- Yeah ?
when you wake up
in the morning, audition.
"Na, na, na-na, na, na"
Na-na, na-na, na
na, na, na, na
"[Alarm Ringing]
[ Hits Switch ]
Good afternoon, ladies. You're all
looking quite lovely this afternoon.
What do you want ?
She probably wants
to try out for the squad.
I was actually wondering if
any of you would be kind enough...
to show me the sign-up sheet
for the auditions.
Oh, right.
She's a superstar.
As president ofthe Catholic
Cheerleaders Against VD Foundation,
I can't let you sign up
for the audition.
But I wanna sign up
for the auditions.
Mary, fighting VD isn't a joke.
It's a very serious disease.
Besides, Sky andme
are gonna win anyway.
Hey, guys, I got a new cheer.
- Evian ?
- John the Baptist lost his head
- Evian !
- [ Gasping ]
I'm really sorry that I pushed you.
It was an accident.
I just really wanna
sign up for the auditions.
Well, I'm really sorry
that I pushed you.
But I just can't let
a hymenally-challenged dog...
sign up for the audition.
- [ Both ] Ooh !
- Well, you know what ?
You're a very mean girl, and you're
gonna go to hell for saying that.
You're a really pushy girl, and
I might just wanna kickyour ass.
Yeah ? Well, I just might
wanna kickyour ass !
Well, come on, Super Sucks.
If I was Sissy Spacek
in the movie Carrie,
I would use my telekinesis
to kill you.
You know what, Mary ?
- Not yet.
- Sorry.
Mary, you know why
your parents died?
Because you're
such an embarrassment,
they couldn't bear to live anymore.
You know what, Evian ?
You should be really embarrassed...
because your parents named you
after bottled water.
[ Both Screaming ]
Hey, is there a problem here ?
My titties !
- Yaah !
- Hey !
- Yaah !
- Aah.
[ Screaming ]
Karate kick.
-I rewound those Jackie Chan movies.
-Nevertheless.
Evian, I'm disappointed in you.
At this school,
any student, including Mary,
is allowed to make a fool of herself
at the auditions.
I'm suspending you
for the rest of the day.
- But, Father Ritley--
- Evian.
Father Ritley, the person
you wanted to see is on her way.
Ah, well, send her in
when she gets here.
- You are so dead.
- Go drink a bottle of yourself.
Mmmmmm ! Aah !
Evian, Mary, stop that.
Mary!
Stop it !
Ah !
Evian, you're dismissed.
[ Mumbling ]
I hate you.
"Go drink a bottle of yourself" ?
Miss Gallagher--
Miss Gallagher, what's that horrible
thing you said to Sister Eileen ?
I told her to move
her big, white butt...
or I would coldcock her honky ass.
To Sister Eileen ?
Why would you say such a thing ?
The video store where I work
got Spike Lee movies.
Ah, yes. You're the-- You're
the rewind girl at Kip's Video.
Yes, I am.
Well, let's pretend
that your life's a movie.
We rewind it.
It ends.
You're dead.
How was it ?
My feelings would best
be expressed in a monologue...
from the made-for-TV movie
Portrait of a Teenage Centerold,
starring Miss Lori Singer
from Footloose.
Ifyou must.
It excites me, Daddy.
Don't you see ?
I like it
when the men look at me.
You try to keep me trapped here
in this small town...
like a little animal.
But I am bustin' out, Daddy.
I'm gonna see the world,
and the world is gonna see me.
They're gonna see
all of me, Daddy.
-All of me!
- Mary--
- Mary, stop that ! Stop that now !
- Look ! Look !
What are you doing
with my grandchild ?
Nothing !
We were--
[ Clears Throat ]
Mrs. Gallagher,
I called you here today to discuss
your granddaughter's problem.
Now, upon reflection, I think a
combination of prayer and Ritalin...
could eliminate her excess energy.
How dare you.
My Mary has no problem.
My granddaughter is a star.
- What ?
- Look at that face.
She looks like a young
Elizabeth Taylor.
You may call her hyperactive.
But if the Good Lord
gave her excess energy,
then, by God, no one's
taking it from her.
If you don't appreciate that,
maybe the problem
is not my granddaughter.
Maybe the problem is this school.
- I'm taking her home.
- Mrs. Gallagher !
Good day to you, sir.
Mary !
Mrs. Gallagher,
listen to reason. Ay !
I couldn 't believe my grandmother
told Father Ritley I was a star.
She'd never said that before.
She'd also never
run over a priest before.
Sorry.
I can't believe he suspended you.
It so wasn't your fault.
- Thank you. I know.
- Mary started the whole thing.
Thank you.
I know.
Hold on a second. I've been through
a trauma and I need a moment.
[ Vomiting, Toilet Flushing]
And now Father Ritley
is letting her audition.
That is the last time
I try to help someone.
She is so going to regret this.
- [ Phone Beeps ]
- I gotta go. That's probably Sky.
- Bye, Evian.
- Hi, Sky.
Do you miss me as much
as I miss you so much ?
Evian, I saw what
you did to Mary today.
Not too ladylike.
I think we need to talk.
- Is something wrong ?
- Look, I can't talk right now.
- But you just called me.
- Look, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Meet me at the gym.
Bye.
[ Line Clicks, Dial Tone ]
Hmm.
[Man]
...throughout the New England area.
They've been hit hard this winter,
but the South remains warm.
Grandma, why did you tell
Father Ritley that I was a star ?
I was just talking.
Because that's--
that's what I wanna be.
- I really want to audition.
- You want to be a businesswoman.
That's what you want.
Don't you understand ?
This is everything
I've ever wanted.
This is everything
I've ever hoped for.
I just want my life to begin.
Dreams can come true, you know.
And when Johnny comes back from
the war, we can start a family...
and begin our life
together on the farm.
Mary !
Could I please, please,
please, please audition ?
- No.
- Please ?
No.
You're horrible !
You're horrible !
You're horrible !
- You're horrible !
- [DoorSlams]
You're horrible !
Horrible !
- Mary.
- Leave me alone !
I didn't want to do this.
But it's time I told you
how your parents died.
What does that have to do
with the talent contest ?
Everything.
I thought you said that Mom and
Dad were savagely ripped apart...
and eaten by a school
of hammerhead sharks.
I just told you that
to make you feel better.
What I'm about to tell you now
is the truth, so help me God.
- [ThunderCrashes]
- Seventeen years ago,
your parents entered...
the Besamee Heights
annual stepdancing competition.
You mean, stepdancing
like in Riverdance ?
That's nothing to what
your parents could do.
My mother taught it to me.
I taught it to your mom.
But so help me, Mary,
you will never stepdance...
as long as I walk this--
wheel around the earth.
The year you were born,
the stepdancing competition
was fierce.
A couple named O'Shea...
looked like they'd be the first
to beat your mom and dad.
But your mother was determined
to keep her title,
no matter what it took.
It began well enough.
Your parents ate up that stage.
Just when it looked as though your
parents would be triumphant again,
the unthinkable happened.
Fat Teddy McGinty's belly
struck the record player,
accidentally
turning up the speed.
The dancers began stepping quicker
and quicker, trying to keep up.
And that's when your mother fell.
And she took your dad
down with her.
And before the dancers
could stop themselves,
they stomped your parents to death.
Oh, Mary, I know
you want to perorm,
but when you're a businesswoman,
you'll be sitting
behind a desk all day, safe.
- [ Whistle Blows ]
- Rotate!
Oh, is that all you got ?
Come on !
- Sky and Evian are breaking up.
- Oh, my God !
Sky and Evian are gonna break up.
Sky's gonna break up with Evian.
Come on !
[Evian Chattering]
Here he comes.
Hi, Sky. What did you
wanna talk to me about ?
I think it would work
for me if we broke up.
I-I-I don't understand.
This is such a shock. What's wrong ?
Now you're giving me attitude.
Just tell me
what I did wrong.
Listen, we talked
about this last night...
till I was blue in the face.
We're just growing
in different directions.
I mean, you're this way
and I'm-- I'm that way.
You're here.
I'm there.
And there's no one right in here.
So it's over.
Just like that. It's over.
- You're telling me that it's over.
- I guess so.
- Hey, Bartholomew, nice name.
- [ Screaming ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
- [ Gasping ]
-Just breathe.
- [Mary] Poor Evian.
- [Helen] Lucky you.
Sky's a single slice
of beefcake now.
And he's on the rebound.
It's, like, so obvious that you two
are gonna hook up.
You really think so ?
Remember,
he said you have nice moves.
That means he was
looking at your body,
which means
he thinks you're doable.
So basically,
he asked you to sleep with him.
My goodness. This relationship
is moving too fast.
Go talk to him before
somebody else dates him.
- Go. Go. Go.
- I don't know.
Go !
Excuse me.
- Hey, Mary.
- Hey, what's up ? What's up ?
Um, Sky, I know...
that you haven't been s-single
for a long time...
or anything like that,
but I was wondering...
if-- if--
- [ Growling ]
- Oh, God, you smell so good.
Oh, no !
- Sorry.
- It's gonna be okay.
Now you have
to audition for the show.
'Cause that way Sky
could see how talented you are,
and he will definitely kiss you.
Really ?
You think so ?
- Totally.
- Wow.
[Mary]
Sky, promise me,
after you destroy the meteor
that's headed towards Earth,
you'll come back and kiss me.
I promise, babe.
All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
"l'm standing here"
Outside your door
I hate to wake you up
to say good-bye
-"[Humming]
- I don't know how to tell you this.
-But I just want you to know that...
- [ Humming Continues ]
I'm really going--
Can you shut the hell up !
I'm trying to talk !
- You gotta go.
- No.
- You have to get off me.
- No !
- Mary, please get off.
- No !
- Get the hell off me !
- No ! I wanna stay !
Get off !
There's a meteor coming !
No !
Mary, did you rewind the tape ?
The customer's waiting.
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- Come on. It's two-dollar Tuesday.
"[Piano]
- [ Clears Throat ]
- Evian.
Good to see you.
Out walking for scoliosis again ?
Oh, no, Mrs. Corrigan.
I just came by to give Sky this.
- Is he home ?
- Yes, he's just--
Actually, can you wait a moment ?
No, definitely not.
No way.
I'm sorry.
Sky's not home.
Oh. Okay.
Then could you tell him if he
wants to talk to give me a call ?
Don't wanna talk.
Go away.
Okay, I'll tell him if I see him.
Nice knowing you.
Oh, but wait. I'm still gonna
see you around, aren't I ?
Oh. Now you're
giving me attitude ?
I'm not giving you attitude.
Just tell me what I did wrong.
What are you going to do,
hit me too ?
Hey, Evian,
I made up a new dance move.
It's called The Move On
With Your Life. Ha !
I did The Fax Machine for you !
[ Screams ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher...
must die.
No, I do like you.
But it's too soon.
You just broke up with her.
We can't.
Stop making me laugh.
[ Moaning ]
[ Engine Rewing ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, dear God,
please make this crazy kid go away.
Go away.
Go away. Go away.
Dear God, please make
this crazy kid go away.
[ Engine Rewing ]
What do you want from me ?
My journal.
Thanks.
A flower.
Thanks.
[Whooshing]
Thank you, Thomas,
for that tribute to Star Wars.
- [Scattered Applause]
- Very, uh, astounding.
Like I was there.
Well, we seem to have a lot of--
I feel really good about
our chances, don't you, Sky ?
Do you hear something, Dylan ?
'Cause it sounds like someone
I used to go out with...
acting like we're still going out,
even though we're definitely not.
- [Dylan] Definitely not.
- No.
Game over.
The devil went down
to Georgia
He was looking
for a soul to steal
He was in a bind
'cause he was way behind
And he was willing
to make a deal
When he came across
this young man
Sawing on a fiddle
and playing it hot
"Andthe devil jumped up
on a hickory stump and said"
" "Boy, let me tell you what"
And the devil's in you
and the devil's in me
- The devil's got a big hard--
- Uh, Maria !
Thank you, Maria.
Thank you.
Next up we have, um,
Mary Katherine--
Gallagher !
Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Okay, just stand there.
Here. Stand here.
Come. Stand there.
Stand there. That's good.
So, what are you going
to do for us, Mary ?
I just wanna say...
that I'm multitalented,
but today I've chosen
to express myself through song.
Okay.
- You
-"[Piano]
You ask me
if I love you
And I choke on my reply
"l'd rather tell you honestly"
Than mislead you with a lie
And sometimes
when we touch
The honesty's too much
"I have to close my eyes"
And hide
I wanna hold you
till I die
Till we both break down
And cry
I wanna hold you
" Till the fear in me"
Subsides
- Mary, that was-- that was good.
- [Applause Continues]
- Good.
- Superstar !
[Boy Laughing]
- [ Laughing Hysterically ]
- Shut up !
You said you liked the movie Carrie.
How do you like it now, Mary ?
- Retard !
- Shut up !
- Boobsweat!
- Shut up !
Retard!
- This is not funny. Shut up, man !
- Mary !
Mary ?
[Motorcycle Engine Revving]
-" You're motorin '"
- Mary Katherine, please !
-" What's your price for flight"
- Mary !
"ln finding Mr. Right"
" You'll be allright tonight"
"Motorin '"
" What's your price for flight"
" You've got him in your sights"
" You're driving through the night"
"Sister Christian
Oh, the time has come"
"And you know that you're
the only one to say"
Slater, would you talk to me ?
Can you please just say
something to me, please ?
Your birthmark looks like shit.
You're the little boy
that I saved at the pool ?
Yeah.
"But you're motorin "
So why does everyone
think you're crazy ?
Because I n-n-n-n-n-never talk.
So people make up stories.
And I'd rather that
they're scared of me than...
make fun of my st-st-stutter.
So what really happened
to your parents ?
They were savagely ripped apart...
and eaten by a school
of hammerhead sharks.
- That happens a lot.
- Yeah.
Hey, Slater,
I know I haven't known you
that long or anything, but...
can I ask you a question ?
Yeah.
Do you think I'm pretty ?
Sometimes I just--
I just hate the way I am.
I just hate the way I am.
I'm sorry I almost drowned you.
That's all right. I was probably
drowning before you got there.
- I'm a horrible swimmer.
- Really ?
That's funny.
Mary ?
I think you look... great.
I think you look beautiful.
Well, I'm gonna go wash off.
Do you wanna come with me ?
- What are you doing ?
- Uh, t-t-t-testing the water.
There's two ways
that you can get into the water.
That way or... this way !
Whoa,
[ Chuckles ]
I slid.
This is my house.
So, thanks.
Hey, Slater.
Did you really mean it when you said
that you thought I looked beautiful?
Yeah.
Do you think that even
without the talent show,
Sky would still wanna kiss me ?
I think Sky would have to be
cr-cr-crazy not to wanna kiss you.
Really ?
Oh ! Thanks.
I'll, uh, see you later, Mary.
[Engine Revving]
Oh, God.
Thank you so much
for making Slater my friend.
And please, God, forgive me...
for not telling Slater that I went
to the bathroom in the pool tonight.
I had a dream
"A dream about you, baby"
- Hi, Grandma.
-"lt's gonna come true, baby"
Sorry I'm late.
I stayed at school
to study business,
and I lost track of time.
Father Ritley called.
He told me you tried out
for the talent show.
I'm sorry. I never
should have done that.
I promise I'll never
lie toyou again, okay ?
- You made it.
- Made what ?
You passed the audition.
I did ? I did ?
Oh, my goodness !
[ Laughing ]
Really ? I did ?
But they want you to lose
the end with the paint.
Really ? Please let me do it.
Please let me do it.
I can't let you be
in any talent show, Mary.
But I can help you to star in one.
You see that there ?
I danced in that show on Broadway.
And these dead stems...
used to step-ball-change...
two shows a day,
six days a week.
If you're going
on the stage, Mary,
I don't want you
stinking up the place...
with some paint dance.
Grandma, you don't know
how much this means to me.
There's this boy at school--
No boys.
If you're going to do this,
you're going to do it for yourself,
like I did.
- Higher ! Kick higher !
- I can't. It's hard.
- Razzle, dazzle !
- I don't know what that means.
- Windmill, windmill !
- Windmill, windmill.
Oh, Frances !
Sweet Frances, please don't die.
Frances, Frances, please don't die.
Frances, go back.
She needs you.
Go back.
You wanna go fetch ?
Go fetch.
Go fetch. That way,
my dog friend. Go on.
- Frances.
- [ Growls ]
[Frances Yipping]
She's alive !
You're all right.
Super. Now,
if we really want to knock them
on their keisters,
we're going to need
a chorus line.
One, two--
- What's his problem ?
- I got the D.T.'s, Mrs. Gallagher.
D.T.'s are from being drunk,
not high, you fruit.
He's got his fake addictions
confused, Mrs. Gallagher.
No, l-- I'm just so high...
I think I'm drunk.
We've got two days
to the big show.
So when I say kick,
you want to kick.
When I say dip, you dip.
When I say tap, you tap.
- When I say--
- They get it, Grandma.
I've got two more. When I say
booga-booga, you booga-booga.
- What's "booga-booga" mean ?
- I don't know.
But if I say it,
you better fuckin' figure it out.
"My life"
"Is ever so perfect"
"My life"
"Has been a bed of roses"
"And you might think I'm crazy"
"So what, if I am"
"My head is full of good things"
-"Enough for everyone"
- Whoa !
-"Beautiful"
- I slipped. Everything's fine.
-"All I see when I look at me"
- Slip-a-roo.
"Beautiful"
"Every mother's dream"
"Day by day"
" What"
"A wonderful life"
Yeah !
[ Whistling ]
Superstar.
- [Man] Hi there !
- [Woman] Howdy, neighbor.
[Man] Undeviled eggs !
Lady crucifingers !
- There's my grandmother.
- Oh, my God.
[Man]
It's all MaryMag-delicious !
There's Maria's parents.
"[Piano]
- [Applause]
-"[Ends]
Good evening, everyone !
Welcome to St. Monica's
Catholic High School.
So, are we all ready to fight VD ?
I hope that you're as excited
as I am...
to see who will win
this free trip to Hollywood...
with a chance to appear
as an extra...
in a movie
with positive moral values.
But first, let's not forget...
we would not be here tonight
if it wasn't for VD.
VD rules !
A pus-filled,
b-b-blistering,
sinful malady...
that a few of you may already
have come in contact with.
You must resist, children.
Resist the urge
that lingers in your loins.
But as the saying goes--
"Girls have a button
and boys have a pole,
and wicked touching
takes its toll."
So you must be strong and resist.
For those who are weak
will no doubt one day...
burn and fester in the swollen...
VD-infested, fiery pits of hell !
But let's have some fun
and meet our judges. Over here--
- [Continues lndistinct]
- Hey, are you guys ready ?
- Mare, we're, like, really nervous.
- Yeah.
What if they make fun of us ?
Okay. I just wanna say
one thing to all of you.
Don't listen to the names
that people call you.
If you believe in yourself,
then nobody can hurt you.
- You are your own rainbow.
- Wow.
That's really insightful.
That's from The Initiation of Sarah
starring Miss Shelley Winters.
- Yeah ?
- Cool.
Okay, from
Catholic Teen magazine,
we have teen gossip columnists
George and Moira McDaniels.
- [Applause]
- Welcome and thanks for joining us.
[ Laughs ] Well, it's show time
here at St. Monica's.
So let's get things started
with our first contestant,
- Howard Feinstein !
- [Applause]
Ladies and gentlemen !
Tonight, I'm going
for the full monty.
"Lookin' for some hot stuff
baby, this evenin"
"I need some hot stuff
baby, tonight"
- "l want some hot stuff"
- Enough ! Come on !
"Baby, this evening"
Perhaps this would be an opportune
time to thank Howard's father.
[ Clears Throat ]
Hi, Mary.
The school therapist says
I have to apologize, so I'm sorry.
And, Helen, I'm sorry I made fun
of your very hairy lip.
I was going through a really
difficult time, but it's fine now...
because Sky and I are together
again, dancing in the show.
And, um, what I'm
really trying to say is...
good luck.
Mary, I'm, like,
really sorry...
'cause I know how hard you worked
to impress Sky tonight.
It's okay.
Tonight is for me, not for Sky.
"Entering"?
[God] You're not gonna
miss theshow, are you ?
- Roadside thing's freaking you out?
- Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher's
subconscious idea of God.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now, just my take on this,
but you might want
to reconsider this bike ride.
Why ?
Because I'm working
in a mysterious way here.
Man !
Notice how you tried to leave town,
but it didn't work out,
- but you just kept on trying ?
- Right.
What say you take that positive
attitude and apply it to--
I don't know.
Maybe you could help me.
Any thoughts ?
Mary !
You think... Mary likes me ?
Why'd I make everyone so insecure ?
Here's a clue:
The Lord God...
is materializing on a highway...
to guide you to her.
Now, look, that's the real road
out of Besamee Heights.
The decision is up to you.
[ Grunting ]
Thank you, Helen.
Quite a feat of strength.
Thanks.
The amazing Sean !
My brother.
[ Laughing ]
Next up, uh, we have
Sky Corrigan and Evian Graham.
[Applause, Cheering]
I just want everyone to know...
that even though Evian and I
are dancing together,
- we're still broken up.
- [Boy] Yeah !
Repeat: broken up.
- Thank you.
- [Applause]
"[Man Singing ln Spanish]
- Huh !
- [ Screaming ]
[Boy]
PepperMill!
You know you want me back.
We're dancing together,
but we've grown apart.
Five, six, seven, eight.
[ Whispering ] Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned.
It has been two days
since my last confession.
Mary Katherine, aren't you supposed
to be in the show tonight ?
-You're not supposed to say my name.
-Oh. Okay.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
I feel really bad because...
I've committed
a sin of selfishness.
All my life I've asked God
to make me a star, every day.
I'm always thinking of myself.
And tonight, I just
want Him to know that...
it's okay if He never
does that for me.
It's all right.
I'll never ask for anything again
if he does one thing for me tonight.
And what is that, my child ?
Please just get me through tonight
safely for my grandmother.
Watch over me so that
I can watch over her.
Mary, it's time
to go on stage. Go.
Use the gifts God gave you.
"[Singing Continues]
-"[Ends]
- [Applause]
-"[Ends]
- [Applause]
[FatherRitley]
Allright. Um--
Our last contestant tonight,
Mary Katherine Gallagher.
[ Singing A Cappella ]
Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in
You suck !
[ Snickering ]
Make-believing
Is hard alone
Out here
On my own
"[Piano]
We're always provin'
Who we are
"Always reachin '"
For that rising star
To guide me far
And shine me home
" Out here"
" On my own"
When I'm down
and feelin' blue
"I close my eyes
so I can be with you"
"Baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me"
- Help me through
- Help her through
Help me through
Pop !
Bam ! Pow !
[ Needle Skids On Record,
Tempo lncreases ]
- Mary, it's too fast.
-Just keep going.
[God]
Mary!
Get up, Mary !
Get up !
You can do it !
- We don't know what to do.
- It's okay.
- [Boy] What do we do ?
-Just follow me.
-" [Disco]
- Follow Mary, you guys.
[Applause]
"[Ends]
Yeah !
Are you ready ? Good.
Well, I'm pleased to announce
that the winner...
of the Catholic Teen magazine's
free trip to Hollywood...
with a chance to appear
as an extra...
in a movie
with positive moral values...
is Mary Katherine Gallagher.
What ?
Evian. Hey.
I just wanted to say
that I think...
you did a really good job
up there tonight.
You showed a lot of energy
and enthusiasm, and I...
really like
your choice of costume.
But I just feel really bad for you,
'cause I guess...
you didn't know that you
were competing against a...
superstar !
Hey, Mary.
-Hey.
-You really do have some nice moves.
Thanks.
So what did you think of that ?
It was okay.
[ Whispering ]
It was bad. Blech !
[MaryNarrating]
So I let Sky go,
and I figured it was time
to let my dream go too.
'Cause maybe that's all
it would ever be--
a dream.
Or maybe not.
You said to jump in.
"And sometimes when we touch"
-" The honesty's too much"
- I'm outta here.
"And I have to close my eyes"
-What are you ? Gay ?
-Five times more gay than you think.
Four more to go, peaches.
"l wanna hold ya till I die"
" Till we both
breakdown and cry"
"l wanna hold ya
till the fear in me"
"Subsides"
[ Mary ]
And that's my story.
[ Mary ]
And that's my story.
That's my entire story.
I wanted you to know
so you would understand...
why I can't see you anymore.
So... I guess this is good-bye.
What are you saying ?
You want a good-bye what ?
No, I can't.
I can't.
I'm seeing Slater now.
Oh, you're so bad.
Okay, just one for the road.
[ Moaning ]
-" Get up, get up, get up"
-" Ooh, yeah"
" Get up, get up, get up"
" You wanna be a star
Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest
at who you are"
" Gotta reach for the stars"
"Baby, 'cause you're the one"
" Oh, you can sit in the room"
"Staring at the paper
on the wall"
"Don't be such a loser"
" Going out to the call"
" Oh-oh"
"Life is short but it's wide"
"So you gotta have
a solid plan"
"Everybody's waiting"
"Now it's time you began
You can"
" You wanna be a star
Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest
at who you are"
" Gotta reach for the stars"
"Baby, 'cause you're the one"
"Show them who you are
Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest
at who you are"
" You got something to say"
" Get up and seize the day"
-" Get up, get up, get up"
-" Ooh, yeah"
" Get up, get up, get up"
-" Get up, get up, get up"
-" Get up"
-" Get up, get up, get up"
-" Oh"
" Getting up can be tough
Even tougher than the going down"
"Brush it off like nothing"
" Then you take it to town"
" Oh-oh"
" Ooh, when your life is a film"
" Then you've gotta
play the leading role"
" Take it to the limit"
"But hold on to your soul
'cause you're"
" You wanna be a star
Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest
at who you are"
"Something to say
Get up andseize the day"
"Life is gloomy without you"
"So wake up
What you gonna do, yeah"
"Hurry up before it's through"
"lt's your life, you know"
"So let go"
" Yeah"
" Oh-oh, oh-oh"
" You wanna be a star
Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest
at who you are"
" Gotta reach for the stars"
"Baby, 'cause you're the one"
"Show 'em who you are
Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest
at who you are"
" You wanna be a star"
" You wanna be a star
Be a superstar"