Oh, Charlie, I'm on time, right?
Wrong. You know what I did today?
I looked at furniture.
At couches that turn into beds and chairs that
turn into beds and lamps that turn into beds.
And then, you know, I went to look at wedding
rings. And then... look. For my trousseau.
And you know, Charlie,
that's not all I did today.
I went to the bank, you know?
And I took every last cent I own...
All $427.
So now we can put
a down payment on something.
Oh, Charlie, it's such
a great world, isn't it?
Today I feel New York is
really my personal property
Right down Broadway
to City Hall
Every supermarket
every five and ten
All of Lincoln Center
and the great U.N.
They're all my personal property
The zoo in Central Park is
merely my private menagerie
I've carved my name on every tree
From Yonkers Raceway
to Bowling Green
I own everything around
and in between
It's all my personal property
The planetarium is mine alone
The old aquarium I also own
And since I feel today New York
is really my personal property
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
Since I like you very much
So very, very much
I'm gonna split it with you
With you
With you
With you
With you
Hey, Charlie, you know, this is my
own personal, private wishing well.
Hey! Let's make a wish...
and then throw somethin' in
after for luck.
Since I like you very much
So very, very much
I'm gonna give it
To...
I wish...
Oh! Help!
Help! I can't...
I can't swim!
Help! I can't...
Help! I can't...
I can't swim! Help me!
Look, Walter. There's a girl in
there drowning. Don't look, dear.
But, Walter!
Don't look, I tell you.
Don't get involved.
It's none of our business.
Oh!
Oh, God.
Here, help! Somebody help!
Somebody grab her ankles.
She looks dead.
Doesn't she look dead to you?
I don't know.
I've never seen her before.
Shake her well 'til the
water is out. She's coming to.
Oh, my God! I'm in Australia!
Put me down!
Put me down!
What do you think you're doing?
Go away! Don't look at me!
Don't look at me! Take it
easy, honey. You almost drowned.
- Charlie. Where's Charlie?
- I bet she tried to knock herself off.
Apparently over
a fellow named Charlie.
Who took my shoe?
Where's my shoe?
Well, don't stare at me. Don't
stare at me. Please leave me alone.
Please leave me alone!
Come on, everybody! Let's all go
home! Break it up! Move it back.
Charlie! Why did you
do it, Charlie?
The aquacade is all over. Hey,
be careful. She's a crazy lady.
Let's go now. Come on.
Hey, you all right, miss?
I'm fine.
I'm just fine.
Just put it down in your book.
The crazy, drowned lady feels fine.
All right, miss. Would you care to
tell us what happened?
I lost my shoe.
That's what happened.
Hey, Monte, look for
her other shoe, will you?
Yeah, Monte, look for
her other shoe.
What's it look like?
It looks like that one.
What does it look like. All
right, miss. What's your name?
Charity.
Charity Hope Valentine.
Charity Hope Valentine?
Just write it. Just...
Here it is. I found it.
Address?
Occupation?
Social consultant.
Where?
The Fandango Ballroom.
Dance hall hostess.
Oh, you mean you work in
one of those tango palaces.
It's temporary.
Length of employment?
Eight years. Suppose you tell me
what you were doin' in the water.
Oh, well, my fianc, Charlie... Well,
he's not exactly my fianc exactly,
but we are engaged to be wed the
minute his own marriage breaks up.
Anyway, we had this rendezvous
to meet in the park,
and, uh, I was just about to make
a wish by throwin' in this penny...
when... I don't know... I guess
I must have slipped or somethin'...
'cause I lost my balance, and anyway,
naturally he made a grab for me,
and all he caught
was my handbag, and I fell in.
That's what happened.
Yeah, sure. Right.
Where's my hair spray? Well, see,
he couldn't jump in after me...
'cause of his
bad back, you know.
Anyway, so he ran off
to get help.
Where'd he go? The coast guard
station in Norfolk, Virginia?
Come on, honey. Didn't you leave one
tiny little detail out of that story?
- Like what?
- Like there ain't one word of truth in it?
Hello, men.
Hey, Nickie, did you hear about
Charity and her boyfriend?
You're gonna get married.
Oh, all the luck in the world, baby.
He stole her money
and pushed her in the lake.
He wasn't for you.
Excuse me, ladies.
Prince Phillip
just walked in,
so park the gum behind your ears
and drag it out on the floor.
Doesn't he ever knock? It's
a good thing we're decent.
He's gonna call.
Who?
Charlie. He's gonna call.
Any minute, he's gonna call,
and he's gonna have a very perfectly
logical explanation for this whole thing.
What did I tell ya?
Charlie!
It's for you.
Yeah?
You know what your big problem is?
You run your heart like a hotel.
You got guys checkin' in
and out all the time.
And you always
get stuck with the bill.
This time it's different.
He loves me.
I mean, when somebody has their name tattooed
on your arm so it'll be there forever,
does that sound like the sort of fella who's
gonna push you in the lake for 427 measly bucks?
Yeah. Uh-huh. Right.
- Where's my hair spray?
- Forget him, baby. We got a livin' to make.
If you call this
a living.
He's gonna call.
You'll see.
Sure.
Since I like you
very much
So very, very much
I'm...
Oh, Charlie.
Hey, mister, can I talk to you for a
minute? Got a cigarette for me, mister?
Hey, mister, you speak Spanish?
Hey, tiger, you wanna dance?
A little dance won't hurt you. Come
here, cowboy. Wanna tell you somethin'.
Moshi, moshi, e'kaga desu-ka,
baby? Ooh, you're so tall.
Let's have some fun.
Pssss.
The minute you walked
in the joint
I could see you were
a man of distinction
A real big spender
Good lookin'
So refined
Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's goin' on in my mind
So let me get right
To the point
I don't pop my cork
For every guy I see
Hey, big spender
Spend
A little time with
Me
Me
Do you wanna have fun
Psssss.
How's about a few
Laughs
I can show you a
Good time
Do you wanna have fun
Fun, fun
How's about a few
Fun
Laughs, laughs, laughs
Fun, fun, fun
- I can show you a -
Laughs, laughs - Good time
- Fun - Laughs
- Good time
- Fun - Laughs
- Good time
Fun, laughs, good time
Pssss.
What do you say to a...
How's about a...
Laugh
I could give you some...
Are you ready for some... Fun
How would you like a...
Let me show you a...
Good time
Hey, big spender
Hey, big spender
The minute you walked
in the joint
I could see you were
a man of distinction
A real big spender
Good lookin'
So refined
Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's goin' on in my mind
So let me get right
To the point
I don't pop my cork
For every guy I see
Hey, big spender
Hey, big spender
Hey, big spender
Spend
A little time with
Me
Fun, laughs, good time
Fun, laughs, good time
Fun, laughs, good time
How's about it, palsie?
Yeah!
Hey, Herman.
Huh?
Anybody been askin' for me? Uh-uh.
Face it, honey. Charlie the pusher
ain't comin' anymore.
Gee, what's the matter
with me? What am I?
Ooh, boy, am I stupid.
Boy, am I a pushover.
No, not a pushover exactly.
It's just that you're too...
Well, I don't know.
You just keep on...
Yeah, you're a pushover. If he stole
your purse, why don't you call the cops?
They can always pick him up. Girl, do you know
how many guys are runnin' around this city...
carryin' pocketbooks?
Why'd he do it? Everything
he ever wanted, I bought him:
$11 shirts,
$79 Italian silk suits.
What'd I do wrong?
I'd even get up in the middle of the
night and buy him his meatball sandwiches.
Boy, did he love
those meatball sandwiches.
Well, I have had it
up to here with that creep.
Go, baby, go.
Now you're talkin'.
He can go slip and slide his greasy head
on somebody else's shoulder.
I'm finished!
I'm through, do you hear me?
I'm tired of buyin' him
pointed shoes...
and his trips to Florida
and his three-horse parlays.
Think he is,
shovin' girls into lakes?
Oh, boy, am I through givin'.
Ooh, I hope your tight Italian
pants choke you to death.
Get me a taxi!
Ursula, stop acting
like a child.
Vittorio Vitale!
Hey! That's Vittorio Vitale,
the Italian movie star!
Ursula, I can
explain everything.
Don't touch me.
We're through.
I hate you. Do you hear me?
I hate you.
- She really knows him!
- Ursula, I merely said hello to that girl. Hello!
That's all! I do not want to discuss it.
Now you can't walk out
on me like this.
I can't?
Well, just watch me.
Just watch me. Watch!
Watch! You're not watching.
Where's my taxi?
Taxi!
Taxi!
You are coming back inside. I am not!
Oh, yes, you are.
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are.
Ow!
Ursula! Ursula!
Ursula!
Oh, scusi, signorina.
Scusi.
My pleasure.
Are you busy tonight?
Hey, he wants to know
if you're busy tonight.
No, you.
- Yes, you.
- Me?
- Are you busy tonight?
- What time?
Right now. Right now
is very good for me.
Get in.
I'm with him.
Oh, that girl.
She's driving me crazy.
These wild fits of jealousy. I can't
stand it any longer. She's impossible.
That was my first impression.
Childish, neurotic, selfish.
That was my
second impression.
Well, it's finished.
She's just not worth it.
Well, on the other hand, you know,
she's not so bad in the looks department.
Ah, yes.
Yes, you're right.
She is very beautiful. Well, I mean,
if you go for that sort of thing.
No, you are right.
You are absolutely right.
She is... gorgeous.
I think I just
screwed myself up.
Um, uh, I'm with him.
- Who's that with Vittorio?
- She doesn't look familiar.
- Who can she be?
- What happened to Ursula?
- Who is it? - Who
is it? - Who is it?
- Who is it? - Who
is it? - Who is it?
- Who is it?
- Who is it?
It's me.
Wow! This place sure is
crawlin' with celebrities.
I'm the only person here
I never heard of.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ooh
Yeah, yeah
Ooh
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah
- Oh
- Oh
- Yeah
- Yeah
- Oh, oh
- Yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
Oh
Oh
Give me yeah
Yeah
Oh yeah Oh yeah
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
Excuse me, Signor Vitale.
There is a phone call.
It's Ursula.
Look how she knows me.
No matter where I go,
she knows how to find me.
Well, I know her too. She'll cry and
plead with me to come to her apartment.
What should I do? Be
magnanimous and forgive her...
or be aloof?
Aloof sounds good.
You think so?
The aloofer the better.
I am not here.
Now I really feel great.
I could eat a horse.
I was only kidding.
Now we dance. Yeah, I
wasn't hungry anyway.
Oh!
Oh, damn it.
I'm so sorry. Really
I am. It's all right.
It's all right.
Where are we? My place. Come on.
Your place?
Hey, wait. Just a second.
Get in the car, get out of
the car, go here, go there.
You think you can just your place and,
uh, any time you feel like it, huh?
- Coming?
- Yeah.
Good evening, sir.
I'm with him.
Oh.
Thank you.
Were there any calls,
Manfred? None, sir.
No calls? Are you sure? None, sir.
Positive, sir. Well, if
there are any, I am not in.
Yes, sir. And bring us a cold supper.
Very good, sir.
What did you say
your name was?
Charity.
Charity Hope Valentine.
Do you like Brahms?
Huh?
The music.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
It's got a...
It's got a great beat.
Leave it.
Well, it'll get all...
Leave it!
Uh, sit down.
Uh, talk to me.
Tell me what you do.
Oh, that'd just be
a waste of time.
Why?
'Cause I'd lie.
Why should you lie?
Because I really want to make an impression
on you, and if I told you the truth,
what I really did,
you wouldn't be impressed.
Let me be the judge of that.
What do you do?
Um...
I'm a dance hall hostess.
You what?
- I'm a dance hall hostess.
- Oh.
There, you see?
You should've let me lie.
I was gonna be an
assistant dental technician.
Well, that doesn't sound
very impressive.
It does to
a dance hall hostess.
Champagne?
Well, I don't mind
if I do.
Why did you ever
take a job like that?
I don't know. Fickle
finger of fate, I guess.
What?
Fickle finger of fate.
Don't you know what that
means? Yes, I think so.
Well, I don't.
Not really.
But see, these things always seem to
happen to me, and I never know why or how.
And people are always comin' up to me
askin', "Why did you take up with that guy?"
Or "How come you
wound up in that joint?"
And I always felt so dumb
sayin', "I don't know. "
But it was the truth.
I don't.
I guess you're supposed to know why you
do things or how come you wind up places.
Anyway, now whenever anybody
says, "why?" or "how?" to me,
I just say, "Fickle finger of
fate," and then I don't feel so dumb.
I think you just
like saying it.
I think you're right.
Fickle finger of fate.
There, you see?
Fickle finger of fate.
Fickle finger of fate. Fickle finger
of fate. Fickle finger of fate.
Fickle finger of fate.
You wanna try?
Mm-mmm. Oh, it feels
good. Really it does.
It cools the mouth. Oh, try it
just once. Fickle finger of fate.
Say it. Just once. No, no.
All right.
Fickle finger of fate.
That's very nice. You like it?
It does cool the mouth. Oh, I
got lots of phrases I like to say.
Like if some wisenheimer down at the Fandango
says somethin' dirty to me sometime...
or somethin' fresh and I can't
think fast enough to answer,
I like to say, "Up yours. "
You do?
Oh, yeah, that really works.
It fits just about any situation.
But I wouldn't say it
to anyone as refined as yourself.
But I can say
"fickle finger of fate," can't I?
You certainly can.
You have a nice laugh.
Ahem. You have
a nice everything.
What shall we drink to?
Huh?
Oh, I know, I know.
To the fickle finger...
Finger of fate.
Bottoms up.
Up yours.
Oh! Pow!
It just slipped out.
You're marvelous.
Really marvelous.
I am?
Mmm.
Wow. That is really somethin'
comin' from the Vittorio Vitale.
What makes you think the Vittorio
Vitale is anything special?
Are you kidding? Haven't you
ever seen you in the movies?
I like to think I have
better taste than that.
You don't know
what you're missin'.
Remember the one you did with that
Italian actress Monica Monicalli?
Monica Monicelli.
Yeah.
Uh, Passion in Palermo,
I think it was called.
And there was this scene.
She was crying.
And you bent down, and you kissed
every single one of her fingers...
from her pinky
to her thumb.
You remember that?
Fortunately, no.
Oh, I remember.
I'll never forget it.
And then you said,
"Without love,
life has no purpose. "
Oh, the things
I say for money.
Did that ever hit home.
Did you
get me where I live.
I sat through the whole film and six marshmallow
bars just to hear that one line again.
"Without love,
life has no purpose. "
Is that
what you believe?
Sure. Doesn't everybody?
No, not everybody.
Tell me, why do you
believe in love?
Everybody's gotta have some religion,
don't they? So your religion is love?
Well, I'll tell you one thing:
I sure go to church a lot.
You know, I see you sitting
here with my own eyes,
but I find it hard to believe
that you really exist.
Yes? Uh, no,
no, thank you, Manfred.
I'll take care of it
myself. Good night.
Our supper.
Caviar.
Cold lobster.
Brochette.
And melon.
May I fix you a plate?
What's the matter?
They'll never believe it.
Believe what? That I'm here,
in Vittorio Vitale's bedroom...
drinkin' champagne and
he's servin' me dinner.
Who won't believe it?
My girlfriends.
What can we do
about it?
Do you think...
What?
That...
Yes?
Could I have a personally
autographed picture?
You can have me
in profile or full face,
with moustache, clean-shaven,
smiling or sexy.
Oh, I will take that clean-shaven,
full-faced and sexy one.
For...
Charity.
For Charity.
Um...
Who was
with me tonight...
in my apartment.
Alone.
Alone.
I swear it.
Vittorio Vit... Yes,
yes, I know the rest.
Eccola.
Wow. You even
write great.
Oh, what a night for me.
Tomorrow, you're movin'
right into my locker,
and every time
I open the door, pow!
Oh, they're... They're
not gonna believe this.
They're gonna think
this is a forgery.
Where you goin'?
You wait for me.
I'll be right back.
Now don't go away.
Hurricane Hazel could strike.
I'm not movin'.
If they
Could see me now
That little gang of mine
I'm eatin' fancy chow
and drinkin' fancy wine
I'd like those stumble bums
to see for a fact
The kind of top drawer
first-rate chums I attract
All I can say is wowee
look at where I am
Tonight I landed... pow
right in a pot of jam
What a setup, holy cow
They'd never believe it
if my friends could see me
Now
They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it
Ooh.
Do you think this will do?
I used it in my first film.
Oh! Ohh!
What a beautiful...
black thing.
It's a hat.
Eccola.
You see?
My initials.
It is yours.
Now wait.
There is more.
If they could
See me now
my little dusty group
Traipsin' round this
million-dollar chicken coop
I'd hear those thrift shop
cats say Brother, get her
Draped on a bedspread made
from three kinds of fur
All I can say is wow
Wait 'til the riff and raff
See just exactly how
he signed his autograph
What a buildup, holy cow
They'd never believe it
If my friends could see me
Now
Hi.
Ciao. Boy, this is
some terrific mattress.
My initials.
This, also, is for you.
Oh, I couldn't.
You must.
Oh, really, I can't.
I insist.
I'll take it. I'll go see
if there is anything else.
Chow, Vittorio, baby.
If they could see me now
alone with Mr. V
Who's waitin' on me
like he was a maitre d'
I hear my buddies sayin'
Crazy, what gives
Tonight she's livin' like
the other half lives
To think the highest brow
which I must say is he
Should pick the lowest brow
which there's no doubt is me
What a step up, holy cow
They'd never believe it
If my friends
Could
See me
Now
They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it
If my friends
Could see me
Hey, girls. Look! It's me!
Charity!
Oh. Oh, boy, you know this...
This is some terrific floor.
Miss Charity Hope Valentine.
Since I could find nothing
else in all of my possessions...
that could truly express
my warm feelings for you,
for what you
have done tonight,
for what you
have given me,
I ask you please
to accept this.
Oh, wow. I accept.
And may I just say that
I never received such a gift...
in such a gorgeous package.
Mr. Vitale, you've been
so terrific to me.
I think that this is...
This is the best time...
I ever spent
in my whole life.
No, no, no, please.
Suppose you eat
your supper, huh?
Pronto.
Well, tell her I'm asleep.
No, tell her I'm dead.
Well, tell her th...
What?
Lock the door.
Lock the door.
It's Ursula. She's here.
What should I do?
What should I do?
If you want my opinion,
we don't really need her.
And in my opinion, we
don't really need her.
Vittorio! Vittorio, I know
you're in there. Let me in.
Oh, Ursula, go away.
- Vittorio, please.
- No.
- Please?
- No!
- Please!
- Oh, I can't stand it. Let her in.
Yes, you're right.
In here.
I'll get rid of her as
soon as I can. Oh, but...
In a second.
Vittorio, let me in.
Don't treat me this way.
I almost forgot.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Here.
Oh. If you get a chance,
I'd love a cold beer.
Yeah.
Vittorio, I'm not leaving
until you open this door.
Oh, Vittorio, what took you so
long? What's going on in here?
Oh! Is that why you came back?
To accuse me again, huh?
You have someone else
in here. Oh, very well.
I picked up a girl off the street,
and, uh, she's hiding in the closet.
- I don't believe you.
- Well, look for yourself.
All right, I will.
Oh, what's
the matter with me?
You wouldn't stoop so low as to
hide another woman in the closet.
Oh, I don't know
what comes over me.
The thought of you with another
woman just drives me insane.
Why do I torture myself
this way?
Why? Why?
Why?
If I knew you really cared,
I'd give you anything.
I care, cara mia.
Of course I care.
But why can't we discuss
this in the morning?
Do you care, Vittorio?
Do you really care?
Of course I care.
Of course I care.
Really?
Really.
You know, Ursula,
I don't understand...
why we torture
each other this way.
Oh, because I'm a fool,
jealous fool.
Oh, how could I have been so foolish
as to believe you'd bring home...
some cheap little nothing?
Now, Ursula, I really
do think you should go.
It's so late, and
I'm really very tired.
We can talk again
tomorrow, all right?
Oh. Just a moment.
Without you,
there is no love.
And without love,
Life has no purpose.
Oh, Ursula, Ursula.
Mmm, Vittorio,
Vittorio.
Wow.
Oh, talk about
your foreign movie.
If my friends
Could
See me
Now
Shh-shh.
It's morning.
Oh.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Are you all right? Well,
it's too soon to tell.
Uh.
Okay.
Wow.
Silk sheets!
Must have cost a fortune.
Thank you very much for everything.
I am sorry the way things turned out.
No, it sorta figured, you
know? Why do you say that?
Because you're you,
and I'm me.
For the taxi. No, you've given
me enough already, really.
Well.
- Chow.
- Ciao.
Well, first we go to this ritzy place,
where we end up dancin' together.
Oh, he is some
terrific dancer.
Then, we go back to his
fashionable east-side apartment,
except it was
a whole, entire house...
with so many rooms you needed a
compass to find your way around.
Then we just sort of
sat around sippin' champagne...
and talkin' about life
and things, you know.
Oh, boy. It was
some terrific night.
So, come 6:00 in the morning,
guess what he wants to do then?
Send me home in his own
personal, private limousine.
I say to him, "Vittorio, honey, forget it.
I enjoy walkin' when the sun's comin' up. "
But to tell you the truth, I didn't actually
walk. I mean I flew all the way home.
My feet never once
touched the ground.
Well, you keep on smokin'
them funny little cigarettes,
you're bound to do
a little flyin'.
I knew you wouldn't believe I spent
the entire evening with Vittorio Vitale.
You swear?
I swear.
On your mother's life?
On my mother's life.
Hey, Wanda, call up and see how
her mother is. All right, look.
Look... what he gave me.
And look what else.
His cane.
And his hat.
Mementos of our
evening together.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
His hat!
Is that all
he gave you?
What do you mean
is that all?
Hi, team. Hey, Nickie, did
you hear about Charity...
spendin' the night
with Vittorio Vitale?
I don't believe it!
And all she got for it was an
old hat and a cane. I believe it.
Oh, honey, if I was you,
I'd pass this hat...
and beat myself to death with
the cane, 'cause you are dumb.
You don't even know what
happened. Forget it, baby.
What you do in bed is your business.
You see? I wasn't even in bed.
I was in the closet.
To each his own.
The least you could have got
was a mink coat!
Oh, what's he gonna give me
a mink coat for?
If you gonna mess with the details,
you ain't gonna get no results.
A hat and a cane? If it was me, I'd have
walked out of there with my own beauty parlor.
Now you'll never
get outta here.
It was your big chance,
baby, and you blew it.
Now you're stuck...
stuck like the rest of us.
And it ain't no use flappin' your wings,
'cause we are caught in the flypaper of life.
Not me.
What'd you say?
I said not me.
What chance have we got
in a miserable joint like this?
I mean, just look at us.
Don't look at me.
I was always like this.
What's the matter with her? Nothin'.
If you happen to like a lot of
beat-up broads nobody cares about.
Well, not me.
I'm not gonna spend the next 40 years
of my life in the Fandango Ballroom.
I am not gonna become the world's first
little old gray-haired taxi dancer.
I am getting out.
Out!
What a nice word.
There's gotta be something
better than this
There's gotta be something
better to do
And when I find me
something better to do
I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out
I'm gonna get up, get out
and do it
There's gotta be some
respectable trade
There's gotta be something
easy to learn
And when I find me something
a half-wit can learn
I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out
I'm gonna get up, get out
and learn it
All these jokers
how I hate them
With their groping
Grabbing
Clutching
Clinching
Strangling
Handling
Fumbling, pinching
Pinching
Phooey!
There's gotta be some life
cleaner than this
There's gotta be
some good reason to live
And when I find me
some kind of life I can live
I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out
I'm gonna get up, get out
and live it
I got it. I have got it! What?
I'm gonna be
a receptionist.
In one of those glass
skyscrapers, 9:00 to 5:00.
My own typewriter.
And water coolers. And office parties.
Ooh-ooh-ooh
and coffee breaks.
Wow!
When I sit at my desk
on the 41st floor
In my copy of a copy of
a copy of Dior
I'll receive big tycoons
and I'll point to a chair
I'll say
Honey, while you're waiting
How would ya like
to put it down over there
There's gotta be something
better than this
There's gotta be something
better to do
And when I find me
something better to do
I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out
I'm gonna get up, get out
and do it
Hey, hey, me too, me too.
I'm gonna get out of here, and
I'm gonna go right to the top.
Yea!
I am gonna be...
a hat check girl...
at one of them east-side
high-class restaurants.
You know, a tray full of cigarettes
costin' 60c a pack and keep the change?
And all those hats
comin' in:
Derbies, homburgs.
Ooh, and that cute
little checkered number...
with the skinny brim
and the feather!
Check your hat, sir
Check your coat, sir
Check your vest, sir
Check your pants
Check your socks, sir
Check your shoes, sir
I can hold them
while you dance
Check your eyes, sir
Check your ears, sir
Check and see if
you are free
How about it
after hours
I'll check you
And you check me
Me too, me too.
I'm gonna get out too.
But, baby, what can
you do? I don't know.
Just get me out of here,
and I'll figure it out later.
There's gotta be some life
cleaner than this
There's gotta be some good
reason to live
And when I find it
Some kind of life
I can live
I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out
I'm gonna get up, get out
and live it
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha!
Phooey.
Phooey.
Yip.
La-la la-la
la-la la-la
La-la la
La
La-la la-la
la-la la-la
La-la la la-la-la
la-la-la la-la-la
And when I find me
some kind of life I can live
I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out
I'm gonna get up, get out
And live
Live it
Excuse me, ladies.
They have just announced the winners
of the Irish Sweepstakes,
and since none of you lovely creatures is among
the winners, get your keesters back inside.
Hey, Herman, in the first
place, watch your language.
There's ladies present. And in the second
place, we're not so sure we're comin' back.
I can always find somebody
else. That's the third place.
I'm comin', Herman. But, Nickie, what
about all those plans we just made?
Yeah.
What about 'em?
Oh, I've got it, Mr. Carmichael.
Uh, stenotypist...
with a guarantee
of nine paid holidays,
cost of living escalation...
and free maternity care.
Okay, Mr. Carmichael, first stenotypist
that walks in, you've got her.
Good-bye, Mr. Carmichael.
- Ahem.
- Come in. Sit down.
Card.
Well, now, Miss, uh, Valentine,
what can we do for you?
I want a job...
a nice job.
Of course you do.
What nice job would you like?
And don't say mine,
'cause it's already taken.
Well, something in an office. Good.
You, uh, type, of course? No.
Take shorthand?
No.
Operate calculators?
Nope.
Keep books?
No.
File?
No.
Run a switchboard?
No.
You speak a foreign language? No.
Um...
No.
Ask me some more
questions.
Well, look,
Miss, uh, Valentine...
How about, uh,
stenotypist?
Oh. Are you
a stenotypist?
Well, not at the moment.
But you do stenotype?
- Maybe.
- Uh-huh. What do you mean?
What is it?
Um, where did you
go to school?
Uh, public
elementary school #84.
I mean after that.
After what?
This isn't goin'
too good, is it?
Have you ever had
any formal training...
in any field whatsoever?
Well, nothing
that comes to mind.
Well, then, what do you
expect me to do?
I told you,
find me a nice job.
But you can't do anything.
B- But I must be able
to do somethin'.
Well, I mean, everybody
knows how to do somethin'.
Don't they?
I used to think so.
Look, miss, uh...
Valentine. Oh, please, Mr. Nicholsby,
you gotta find me somethin'.
I don't wanna go back to that
place where I'm workin', you know?
I mean, I want a nice job where
I can meet some nice people.
I w... I want very much
to change my life.
I'll work hard. I'll work awful
hard. And I'll learn quick.
Find me somethin',
Mr. Nicholsby, please.
Ohh, is this a gag?
- Huh?
- I'm right, aren't I?
It is a gag. Those guys down
the hall put you up to it.
Like the time they sent over a guy that
stuttered for a radio announcer's job.
They should know by now
I can spot 'em.
You can tell them
you really had me going.
But it took you a while,
didn't it?
Well, you're a very good
sp-sport, Mr. Nicholsby.
Listen, you're
pretty good yourself.
Well, I gotta be goin' now.
I have a job, you know.
I got a swell job.
I was just
helpin' 'em out.
That stuff about "public elementary
school #84"... That was perfect.
Yeah, it was good.
Miss? Are you
going down, miss?
Miss, I'm afraid I'm
going to be awfully late.
I didn't mean to rush
you. I hope I wasn't rude,
but I have an appointment, and
if I'm late, they'll blow a fuse.
- What was that?
- We stopped.
Why did I have to say that?
About blowing out a fuse.
What a dumb thing to say.
Press the button over there.
We'll get started again.
We're stuck.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Kind of st...
Kind of stuffy in here.
Isn't it
kind of stuffy?
Maximum weight in pounds:
Yeah, we're all right.
Course we're all right.
Yeah, we're fine. We're fine.
Yeah.
We're just stuck in the...
the little old elevator.
Hey, are you okay really? Who, me?
Yeah.
Oh, yes, I'm fine.
I'm fine. L-I have to get used to it,
that's all, 'cause this is the first time...
I've ever been trapped
in an elevator.
Trapped, trapped, trapped.
Hey.
Hey, do you have that thing, you know,
where you're scared of small, tight places?
Claustrophobia? No, no, no. Yeah.
Nothing like that.
Claustrophobia?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I-I just,
uh, can't stand...
small, tight places.
But I can handle this all right, because I know
we'll get out of here in a couple of minutes.
- Well, sure, we will.
- You really think so?
- Of course I think so.
- If you thought we're really trapped, what would you say?
But we're not
really trapped.
Yeah, I know, but if you thought
we were, what would you say?
Then I'd say,
"We're really trapped. "
My God! I knew it!
I knew it!
Dear, you shouldn't
get so excited.
Yeah. Look.
Isn't this awful?
'Cause I never act this way, really.
I'm a very calm, organized person.
I want you to know that if-if-if-if
it really comes down to it,
you can depend on me.
You understand that?
Yeah, I understand.
Yeah. I just hope
it doesn't come down to it.
Maybe I should yell for help. Why not?
Help.
Help.
Help!
Oh! Here. My name is
Charity Hope Valentine, and...
Hey, you're shaking!
All over.
Let me rub your wrist.
You know what I feel like doing now?
I mean, you know what my impulse is?
To take off
all my clothes.
I don't think that
would do very much good.
You'd think they'd have a telephone
in here, wouldn't you? Never again.
Never go in an elevator again without
checking for a phone! Always check for a phone!
Hey.
Listen, I have an idea.
What do you think of this?
Climbing out the top of the elevator,
shimmying up the cable and then forcing
the door open on the floor above.
Well, it might work, but I do
think it sounds a little dangerous.
Then don't try it.
Stay here with me.
Hey, come on down there! We
don't think it's funny anymore!
If I could just get out
for a few minutes.
Just a few minutes outside,
and then I'd be all right.
Then I'd come back inside. Listen.
I really think the best thing to do
is keep talking about something else.
Then you won't think about it, okay? What's
your name? Your name. What's your name?
Don't ya have a name?
I don't think so.
Well, sure you have a name. Everybody's
got a name. Bruce, Howard, Richard...
Oscar. My name
is Oscar Lindquist.
Oscar Lindquist?
It's stuffy in here.
No, no, no, let's keep our clothes
on, Oscar. Now, where do you live?
Who? Oscar Lindquist. Where
do you live, Oscar Lindquist?
Keep talking. Where do
you live? In an elevator!
You don't live in an elevator.
You live in a house. Now concentrate!
breathing so much. I'm gonna use up all the air.
Keep talking, Oscar.
Keep talking.
That's not fair. You should
breathe some of the air.
I can breathe. Now
listen. Where do you work?
The Excelsior Life Insurance company. "Your
life is our business. " I'm an actuary.
What's an actuary? I figure out
premiums based on the probabilities.
Good, Oscar. Now what's
a probability? The odds.
The odds on what? Keep talking.
Suppose you wanted a policy.
Yes, I want a policy. Go on. It's my
job to study your particular situation...
Yes. And then figure out the odds...
on your meeting with
an unfortunate accident...
like... like suffo...
suff...
suffocating in an elevator.
Oscar! Mr. Lindquist!
Are you all right?
Boy, this is really
my lucky day.
Of all the millions of guys in town, I
wind up with a candidate for the funny farm.
Not too bad-lookin' though.
For a fruitcake.
It's a nice face
As faces go
It's a very nice face
With a place
for every feature
Every feature in its place
Not a commonplace face
His eyes
Blue
His chin's stubborn and strong
His ears
They're ordinary ears
His nose
A little long
Still
It's a gentle face
A little square
A little corny
It's a sentimental face
If he'd smile
He'd look like so
When he's mad
He'd look like so
So
Don't make this
a federal case
It's just another pretty face
But you know:
It's a very, very
Very nice
Face
Where am I? Do you remember
where you were before?
No. Well, you're still there.
Oh, my God! Don't leave me!
I won't leave you, Oscar.
I promise. I'll stay right here
in this elevator with you,
and everything's
gonna be just fine.
What happened? I think
the lights went out.
Oh, boy!
Help.
Help.
Help.
Help.
Help.
Help! Help!
Help.
Help.
Help.
Oscar, Oscar!
The lights are on.
Push the button. Push the button! Yes.
Oh! It's moving. It's moving!
Oh, it's moving!
Well, of course,
your big problem is panic.
Seventy-eight percent of your
common household accidents...
could be avoided
by calm, clearheaded thinking.
Well.
See ya around.
Around.
Ah, miss?
Miss, what, uh...
Do... Do you
suppose we could...
Well, you know, uh, uh... Do
you think that maybe that...
That I don't suppose
that we could...
I know you're tryin' to ask me for
somethin', but ya gotta give me a bigger hint.
Well, can I see ya
this Sunday?
Aren't ya late
for work or somethin'?
Well, I was supposed to go to, to
group analysis, but I guess I missed it.
You gonna be all right? Oh, yes. It
was my last session this week anyway.
I'm finished.
Good.
What was your problem? Well,
one of my problems was that...
I was painfully shy.
Oh. And now
you're cured?
No, I... I never had the nerve
to bring it up, so I quit.
I guess you're
busy Sunday.
Look, can I ask you
a personal question?
You're not otherwise
affiliated, are ya?
Like a wife? Oh, no! No,
no, nothing like that.
Are you busy Sunday?
No.
Oh, well, uh,
where do you live?
Maybe you prefer
to meet me somewhere.
Are you familiar with that
little bridge in Central Park?
Yeah, well, maybe we better
forget the whole thing.
Please, 2:00, Sunday?
L- If you're not there,
I'll understand.
I'll be there anyway.
I've got nothing else to do.
I must be out of my head.
What am I doin' here?
Mmm-uh.
Charity!
I'm glad you
could make it.
I thought after what happened in
the elevator you might think I was...
Well, you know,
some kind of a nut.
Oh!
I almost forgot.
Here. I grow them myself
in my apartment.
Do you mind if we get off
this bridge? Oh, sure, sure.
Listen, I've made all kinds of
plans for today. I thought maybe...
Mmm-hmm. Here it comes:
The "I must have left my wallet
in my other pants" routine.
Well, forget it, Charlie.
You ain't gettin' a nickel outta me.
Do you like modern art?
I have several really fine
reproductions at home.
Do you know where
I'd like to take you now?
Yeah, to your place,
to look at your reproductions.
Boy, if Nickie and Helene
could see me now.
Who are Nickie and Helene?
Two of the girls I work with.
I've been so busy talking I haven't
given you a chance to say anything.
Where do you work?
Well...
Nope, wait, let me guess,
because usually I can just look...
at a person and tell you
right off what they do.
I'd say you definitely
work... in a bank.
Am I right?
Did I get it?
You got it.
Well, you see, it's, it's kind
of a sixth sense. Which bank?
You familiar with Brooklyn? No.
It's in Brooklyn.
You want a stick of gum?
No, thank you.
See, I, I...
Working in a bank can be
very dangerous, you know?
In the greater New York area the odds
are 1 in 75 that you will be held up...
at least once
in any 12-month period.
Listen, just livin'
is dangerous, right?
May I see you home?
Where do you live in Brooklyn?
Oh, it's...
it's way far out.
And it's late.
You got to get up early.
I'll be okay.
Honest.
Uh, listen. May I see you tomorrow?
Maybe we could go to a movie.
Okay, but one with a happy ending.
I'm nuts about happy endings.
Good! I'll pick ya up at 5:00
in front of the bank, okay?
Suppose we, uh, meet...
At the bridge.
Night.
Good night.
Oh, look, I want you to know
I had a very nice time.
Being with you, I mean. So did I, Oscar.
A very nice time.
I had a very nice time too.
Well.
Well.
You're a lovely girl,
Charity.
Sweet Charity.
Gee, for a weirdo,
he's very nice.
Oh! I just live
around the corner.
"Sweet Charity. "
Sweet Charity?
Hmm, Sweet Charity.
Hey, Nickie, Helene,
guess what happened?
Something every girl
in the ballroom dreams about!
You've been drafted!
No, I met a man,
a nice man.
Here it is, folks, the 11:00
news. We listen to it every night.
Can you imagine, I spent
the whole afternoon with him...
and he never once tried
any funny business, not once.
All he did was kiss my hand.
Hey, that's not makin' a pass, is it?
Naw. Is it, Helene?
What?
If a guy kisses your hand, would
you classify that as a pass?
Depends.
On what?
On where your hand is
when he kisses it.
Ha, ha! Hey,
where was your hand?
On the end of my arm!
Okay, so besides slobbering all over
your knuckles, what else does he do?
He's a reactionary.
A what?
He figures out odds.
A horse player.
No! For an insurance company.
And he also grows flowers.
Sounds like a goofball.
He is not a goofball.
What does the goofball
think of your profession?
Have you told him you're in
the rent-a-body business?
Well, it just so happens
he doesn't think anything of it.
She ain't told him.
He is very highly educated. A little
thing like that wouldn't bother him.
He already knows
because I already told him.
You told him?
Yep.
- You mean you really told him?
- I told him! I told him!
- When?
- Tomorrow, that's when I told him.
Do you like peanuts?
Yep.
For our anniversary.
Huh?
It's exactly two weeks since we were trapped
together between the ninth and tenth floor.
Boy, what a two weeks
this has been too.
We've been to six movies, four museums,
a lecture on air pollution and a pet show.
I'd like to do something
different tonight.
You want to rob
a supermarket?
Would you like to go
to church? To church?
It's the Rhythm of Life Tabernacle.
It started out as a jazz group in San
Francisco and turned into a religion.
Hey, baby, like,
let there be light.
Lights! Lights!
Lights!
Oh, yeah!
Lights!
Get it! Get it!
Ow!
Ow!
Let there be light!
Ow!
And the title of the sermon
tonight will be...
"We Have Beat Our Swords Into
Plowshares" and the beat goes on.
Swing it, Daddy!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Daddy started out
in San Francisco
Tootin' on his trumpet
loud and mean
Suddenly a voice said
Go forth, Daddy
Spread the picture
on a wider screen
And the voice said Daddy,
there's a million pigeons
Waitin' to be hooked
on new religions
Hit the road, Daddy
leave your common-law wife
Spread the religion
of the rhythm of life
And the rhythm of life
is a powerful beat
Puts a tingle in your fingers
and a tingle in your feet
Rhythm in your bedroom
rhythm in the street
Yes, the rhythm of life
is a powerful beat
To feel
the rhythm of life
To feel
the powerful beat
To feel the tingle
in your fingers
To feel the tingle
in your feet
Daddy, go
Go, go, go
Tell them everything
you know
Daddy spread the gospel
in Milwaukee
Took his walkie-talkie
to Rocky Ridge
Blew his way to Canton
then to Scranton
'Til he landed
under the Manhattan Bridge
Daddy was a new sensation
got himself a congregation
Built up quite
an operation down below
With the pie-eyed piper blowing
while the muscatel was flowing
All the cats were
go-go-going Down below
Daddy was
a new sensation
Got himself
a congregation
Built up quite
an operation down below
With the pie-eyed piper blowing
while the muscatel was flowing
All the cats
were go-go-going down below
Flip your wings
and fly to Daddy
Flip your wings and
fly to Daddy
Flip your wings
and fly to Daddy
Fly, fly
fly to Daddy
Take a dive
and swim to Daddy
Take a dive and
swim to Daddy
Take a dive
and swim to Daddy
Swim, swim
swim to Daddy
Hit the floor
and crawl to Daddy
Hit the floor and
crawl to Daddy
Hit the floor
and crawl to Daddy
Crawl, crawl
crawl to Daddy
Flip your wings
Fly
Flip your wings
Fly
Flip your wings
Fly
Flip, fly
Flip, fly
Flip, fly
flip, fly
Flip, fly, flip, fly
flip, fly, flip, fly
Take a dive
Take a dive, swim
Take a dive, swim
Swim, yeah, swim
Swim, swim
Swim, swim, swim
swim, swim
To Daddy
Daddy?
Yeah?
Ah, Daddy?
Uh-huh.
Oooh, Daddy!
Hit the floor!
Crawl to Daddy!
Hit the floor!
Crawl to Daddy!
Hit the floor!
Crawl to Daddy! Hit the
floor and crawl to Daddy!
Aaah!
Crawl to Daddy!
Crawl to Daddy! Crawl!
Crawl! Crawl to Daddy!
Do, we, do, we
do, we
Do, we, do, we
do, we
Do, we, do, we, do
Do, we, do, we, do Split
it, split it, split it.
Do, we, do, we, do
Do, we, do, we, do
And the rhythm of life
is a powerful beat
Puts a tingle in your fingers
and a tingle in your feet
Rhythm in your bedroom
rhythm in the street
Yes, the rhythm of life
is a powerful beat
To feel
the rhythm of life
To feel
the powerful beat
To feel the tingle
in your fingers
To feel the tingle
in your feet
Daddy, go
Go, go, go
Tell them everything
you know
To feel
the rhythm of life
To feel
the powerful beat
To feel the tingle
in your fingers
To feel the tingle
in your...
Flip your wings
and fly to your daddy
Take a dive
and swim to your daddy
Hit the floor
and crawl to your daddy
Daddy, we've got
the rhythm of life
- Of life, of life of life
- Yeah!
- Let me hear it!
- Yeah!
- Sock it to me!
- Yeah!
- Let it all hang out!
- Yeah!
Gather round.
Yeah, this is where
it's all happenin', babies.
"The Rhythm of Life," number
seven in the top ten religions.
We're gonna climb
to number one, Big Daddy.
I'm hip, baby.
But dig.
Time is runnin' out
on that big L.P. Called life.
And the greatest disc jockey of them all
is gonna come and take us by the hand...
and lead us to the flip side
of life called eternity.
Eternity!
That big coffee break
in the sky.
Yeah, but before we groove
that final date...
before we head for that last...
Eight bars,
we gotta make our peace!
Make it, Daddy. Make it,
Daddy. Make it, Daddy.
You know I'm gonna make it!
I want you cats to listen to everything
I'm gonna lay on ya as of this point.
Number one!
Thou shalt dig thy neighbor as
thou wouldst have him dig thee.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Number two!
Thou shall not put down
thy mamas and thy papas!
No, no, no, no.
Number three! Thou shall not
swing with another cat's chick.
No, no, no, no.
Number four!
Thou shall not blow thy minds on
school nights and national holidays.
They're a very devout group.
Where did you ever find them?
I'm on a mailing list.
It's a Church of the Month club.
And last!
Come here.
But not least.
Thou shall not indulge thyselves
in the evil marijuana weed...
commonly known as pot,
grass, Mary Jane...
Acapulco Gold,
as it is sinful.
It is harmful!
It's also very expensive!
So I suggest, if anybody's holdin',
drop it before the fuzz arrives.
Love, babies.
Love, Daddy.
Yeah.
Are they gone?
Hey, you're shaking.
I'm scared to death.
Don't... Don't... Don't worry.
I'm right here beside you.
So just relax
and be scared all you want.
Thank you. I will.
Hey, you know something?
I don't mind
being scared with you.
I mean, when you've got
somebody you can depend on,
that you know will be there all
the time to take care of you,
then you can afford
to be scared.
I never had a somebody
like that before.
I've never had anybody
depend on me before.
I think they're gone.
You know what I wish? I wish
we could stay like this forever.
Oh, do you, Oscar?
Y
- You're the first girl I ever met that I ever trusted...
and believed in.
And my whole right side
is going to sleep.
Wait. I'll scrunch down.
How's that?
Oh, Oscar,
I'm gonna tell you something
about me I don't think you'll like.
Couldn't be anything
about you I wouldn't like.
Remember I told you
I worked in a bank?
A bank in Brooklyn.
What about that bank
in Brooklyn?
We just raised
our interest rates. Mmm.
Hey!
What's the matter?
Did you hear what I said? I said I
wish we could stay in here forever.
D- Did you hear me say that?
Well, look where we are!
In a small, tight place of the type I'm
usually scared to death to be in, but I'm not.
I like it! I don't have
claustrophobia anymore.
I'm cured! You cured me.
I did? How?
I don't know,
but it's gone!
Ha, ha!
For the first time in my life.
It's gone! It's gone!
Gone, gone, gone!
Here was a man with
no dream and no plan
Then one lonely night
I found Sweet Charity
You make life fun for me
Oh, what it's done for me
Having you around
Sweet Charity
Warm words
I've never said
Lately pop off
the top of my head
It's incredible
Suddenly I'm the guy
I never dared to be
Watch me touch the sky
quite easily
So if you are free
Sweet Charity
Please belong to me
sweet, Sweet Charity
Please belong to me
Sweet Charity
Sweet Charity
please belong to me
Sweet Charity
please belong to me
Sweet Charity
please belong to me
Sweet Charity
please belong to me, please
Please
Please?
Charity, I'd just about given
up ever finding anybody like you.
I mean, the world's gone crazy.
Everything's all mixed up.
The old standards
of decency and morality,
they don't seem
to mean anything anymore.
When I see the way the girls at
the office are passed around...
and the jokes
they tell about them,
I get sick, Charity.
Most people would laugh
if I told them that.
I'm not laughing, Oscar.
From the moment we first met,
I knew you were different.
Like the way I knew
you worked in a bank.
Oscar, listen,
there's something...
I knew you believed in the
same things I did. Things like,
Oh, innocence and...
Try purity.
Does that sound corny? No.
Well, yeah,
maybe it is.
B- But that's the way
I always pictured it would be.
The way it had to be.
No one else seems to think those
things are important anymore, but...
that's why you're a very
special person, Charity.
Charity?
Charity?
Do you wanna have fun
Cowboy, I wanna tell ya
something. Fun, fun, fun
A little secret between you
and me. How's about a few
How about it, palsie?
Laughs, laughs
Mister, do you speak
Spanish? I can show you a
Good time
Hey, what's the big idea?
Excuse me,
Miss Valentine!
Your escort shelled out 6.50 to dance
with you, and I do not see you dancin'.
Who dances?
You defend yourself to music!
Now, Miss Valentine... You
want to know somethin', Herman?
I don't like it here
anymore.
So I'm givin' you my two weeks
notice as of two weeks ago.
This is not
a nice place!
Charity?
Hey, Charity, listen...
Hey, baby?
Charity?
Hey!
I'm up here.
Boy, oh, boy, am I tired of that
musical snake pit down there.
What's so bad about it?
You dance a little,
talk a little, roll your eyes a
little, swivel your hips a little.
Just like that
you can kill a lifetime.
How are things going
with the goofball?
Who? You know, the hand kisser.
Him? Who needs him? I don't
need him. I don't need anybody.
If I needed anybody, it sure
wouldn't be him. She's nuts about him.
It's no good.
He thinks I work in a bank.
So? Let him!
He trusts me;
he believes in me.
I gotta tell him the truth.
Who I am, what I do, all of it.
That much truth
ain't good for nobody.
I should have told him
before, but...
Oh, he's just the nicest thing
that ever happened to me.
I wanted it to last
as long as it could.
Let me get this straight. You're
gonna tell him you lied to him?
You're gonna tell him you've been
working in this dump for eight years?
Yep.
You're gonna tell about Frank
and Charlie and... Yep, yep.
Oh, Charity,
I gotta hand it to you.
You are an extremely honest,
open and stupid broad.
Yep.
Charity, what...
Sit down, Oscar.
Aren't you going
to sit with me?
I have some very important
things to say to you and...
if I have to look in your eyes,
I'll never be able to say them.
You alone, miss?
She's with me.
Charity, I was asleep when you
called. I'm still in my pajamas. Look.
Don't look at me!
Oscar...
I don't now, I never have...
and I probably
never, ever will...
work in a bank.
Oh.
I don't even have
a bank account anymore.
Whatever money I do have, I keep in
an empty jar of instant coffee. Oh.
You know how I earn that money,
Oscar? You're a dance hall hostess.
I'm a dance hall hostess.
I work in a cheap dance hall.
And I dance
with strange men...
and I drink with them
and sometimes...
sometimes...
Hey, how did you know?
When you left me in the phone
booth, I ran outside looking for you.
I saw someone. I thought it
was you and I followed her.
She went into
that... that place.
Then I knew it wasn't you.
Except I saw the photographs
outside, and it was you.
I didn't go in.
I couldn't.
I went home.
I tried to hate you,
Charity.
I tried very hard.
But I couldn't.
I just couldn't hate you.
Maybe you'll have better luck tonight
when I get finished telling you the rest.
It's not important.
"Not important"?
What do you mean, not important?
What about all those things you said?
Look, Charity...
Don't look at me!
Charity, I know what I said.
But I just can't let you get
away. You have to marry me.
Oscar, I've gotta
tell you everything!
I don't care what you are or what
you've done. If you only knew.
If you only knew,
all those guys.
All those guys that...
Charity, don't cry. Please,
don't cry. I believe you.
I know you believe me! I'm
crying about that other part!
What other part? That marrying part!
I didn't hear it the first time!
Excuse me, sport.
Marry me?
Oscar!
You're not just makin' fun
of me, are ya?
Because askin' a girl to marry her
is one of her most sensitive areas.
You really shouldn't say it
if you don't mean it.
I mean, you can seriously hurt a
person kiddin' around like that.
To tell you the truth,
Oscar,
I don't think I could stand
another injury of that nature.
You know, for the first time,
I'm happy.
I mean, really happy inside!
And it's all because of you!
Oh!
Don't look at me!
I can get pretty
emotional too, you know.
Give me your hand.
Charity, you know what we're gonna
do? We're gonna get out of this city.
Oh, I'd like that.
We'll move to the country.
I'd like that.
New Jersey maybe!
We'll open a nursery and greenhouse,
grow flowers. You'd like that.
The important thing is to forget
about the past. I've forgot it.
It's not important. It's
not important. It isn't.
We won't discuss it anymore. We won't even
think about it, especially not think about it.
We won't think about it. A lot of
men couldn't do that, but not me.
Not you. I'll never mention
it again as long as I live.
I'd like that.
Because I need you,
Charity.
I need you...
and I love you.
Besides, it's about time
I got married anyway.
I'm 34 years old.
He loves... me. Did you
know that the odds are 785...
Someone loves me.
Someone loves me!
Some... one... loves... me!
Some... one... loves... me!
Some... one... loves... me!
Somebody loves me
My heart
is beating so fast
All kinds of music
is pouring out of me
Somebody loves me
At last
Now
I'm a brass band
I'm a harpsichord
I'm a clarinet
I'm the Philadelphia
orchestra
I'm the modern
jazz quartet
I'm the band
from Macy's big parade
A wild Count Basie blast
I'm the bells of
St. Peter's in Rome
I'm tissue paper
on a comb
And all kinds of music
Is pouring out of me
'Cause somebody
loves me at last
Somebody loves me
She's a brass band
She's a harpsichord
She's a clarinet
She's the Philadelphia
orchestra
The modern jazz quartet
She's a brass band
She's a harpsichord
She's a clarinet
That's me!
She's the Philadelphia
orchestra
She's the modern
jazz quartet
She's the band
from Macy's big parade
A wild Count Basie blast
She's the bells
of St. Peter's in Rome
She's tissue paper
on a comb
Somebody loves me
At last!
Oh, look, you don't
have to come in.
No, it's all right.
It's all right.
I'll just be a few minutes.
I'm fine, just fine.
Hmm. Hey,
anybody in there?
Oh, it's you.
Herman, what's goin' on?
How come you're closed?
Business stinks.
I sent everybody home.
Aw, but I called Nickie and Helene
and I told 'em I was comin' by...
Hey, you heard the news.
I'm tyin' the knot.
I'm gettin' spliced!
I'm gettin' hitched!
Oh, yeah, I heard.
Look.
This is him.
This is the one.
Oscar Lindquist, this is Herman,
affectionately known as der Fuhrer.
How do you do? Right.
Well, I got work to do.
Wait, wait. I got to get
some things out of my locker.
Okay, but don't take
none of the hangers.
Every time a girl leaves here,
she always takes all the hangers.
He's kind of gruff on the outside, but
inside he's really a very rotten person.
Herman, would ya turn on a light?
You should know the way by now.
Eight years of your life
you spend in a place...
and nobody even cares enough
to turn on a light.
Surprise!
We really fooled ya,
huh?
You didn't think we'd let ya get
away without givin' ya a party?
You shouldn't have! I
told ya we shouldn't have!
Everybody, everybody,
that's him! That's the one!
This is
Mr. Oscar Lindquist!
This here, Oscar, is Nickie and Helene.
Remember I told you so much about 'em?
How do you...
All right, folks!
And now through the courtesy of the
hostesses here at the Fandango Ballroom,
in cooperation
with the waiters,
Chet, the bouncer,
Irving, the cop,
And our three regular
customers since 1949,
We present...
A $17 cake!
"Happy Birthday, Angelo"?
You couldn't get a new cake,
ya cheapskate?
That's all they had on
such short notice. Oh!
No, no, no!
It's the sentiment that counts.
I thank you and Oscar thanks
you and Angelo thanks you.
You know something, pal?
For a broad she's got a lot of class.
Somebody get
Mr. Whatsit a beer.
The present,
the present!
Charity Hope Valentine, we who have
lived with you, undressed with you,
suffered the indignities of
this crummy joint with you. Aw!
We who have come to
know you and to love you,
on this,
your nuptial eve...
Shut up!
We just want to wish you...
I think I'm gonna cry.
Will ya quit slobberin'
all over the cake?
Get down! Let me do it!
Hold it down.
Charity, honey,
we just wanted to...
God, we're gonna
miss you, girl!
I'll give it to her. I'm the
one that picked it out anyway.
Charity, please accept this gift
as a token of our estimation.
I hope it's a nice gift.
I wonder what...
What the hell kind of
a wedding present is that?
I thought she was pregnant. Isn't
that why she's getting married?
It's the nicest, nicest
wedding present I ever got.
That a girl!
All right, folks. You know it ain't
often that one of our group goes off...
to marry a nice,
respectable guy.
As a matter of fact, this is the
first time it's ever happened.
So in honor of
our own blushing bride-to-be,
Miss Charity Valentine,
I would like to say...
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Gee!
It's tough for a
loudmouthed mug like me
Who all the time
bellows like a bull
To make with the words
about the missus-to-be
When what you think is
an empty heart is full
Tomorrow when you say
I do
I'll die
I'm almost too ashamed
To tell you why
I
Love to cry at weddings
How I love to cry
at weddings
I walk into a chapel
and get happily hysterical
The ushers and attendants
The family dependents
I see them
and I start to sniff
Have you an
extra handkerchief
And all through the service
while the bride and groom look nervous
Tears of joy are streaming
down my face Down his face
I love to cry at weddings
anybody's wedding
Anytime, anywhere, anyplace
I always weep at weddings
I'm a soggy creep at weddings
Oh, what's so sweet and sloppy as,
oh, promise me and all that jazz
The man you rest your head with,
the man you share your bed with
Is married to you so you know
He won't jump up
and dress and blow
- I could marry Herman
- And be permanently sorry
We would make
a really lousy pair
But, gee I want a wedding
any kind of wedding
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere
And all through the service while
the bride and groom look nervous
Tears of joy
are streaming down my face
I love to cry at weddings
anybody's wedding
Anytime, anywhere
Anyplace
doodle-le-do
I love to cry at weddings
How I love to cry at weddings
I walk into a chapel
and get happily hysterical
The ushers
and attendants
The family dependents
I see them
and I start to sniff
Have you an
extra handkerchief
And all through the service
While the bride and groom
look nervous
I drink champagne
And sing Sweet Adeline
I love to cry
At weddings
Anybody's wedding
Just as long as it's not mine
Okay, everybody,
the food is on me!
Hey, Johnnie. Uh,
Lindquist. Oscar Lindquist.
Yeah, you just make sure you
treat her right. You get me?
Yes, of course.
'Cause she's entitled,
I mean, really entitled.
If I was to list all the rotten deals that
sweet, stupid, hard-luck dame's been dealt...
If I was to tell you...
There's no need, really.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
You know all about it.
Frankly, I was dead set
against her telling ya anything.
But it seems
you're a saint.
She tells you everything and
you say it doesn't matter, right?
That's right.
Say it again.
Ha, ha, she hasn't been makin'
a pitch for herself, has she?
Well, he's taken.
Hold this for me, would ya?
I'll be right back.
Well.
Well.
Well.
It can happen, though,
you see?
You just gotta keep hopin'.
That's the important thing.
I mean, miracles do happen.
Everybody, so long.
Bye!
I love to cry
at weddings
Anybody's wedding
Anytime, anyplace
Anywhere
I love to cry at weddings
How I love to cry
at weddings
I walk into a chapel
and get happily hysterical
The ushers
and attendants
The family dependents
I see them
and I start to sniff
Have you an extra
handkerchief
And all through the service while
the bride and groom look nervous
Tears of joy are streamin'
down my face Down his face
I love
To cry at weddings
anybody's wedding
Anytime
Anytime
Anywhere
Anywhere
Anyplace
Anyplace
D- Didn't you see
the sign?
"Please do not throw any rice
in the halls or on the stairs. "
That's because one out of every 42
accidents occurs in a public building.
Oh. I'll be careful.
Look.
You like it?
Yeah, it's, uh...
It's, uh...
It caught my eye, you know.
You and your flowers and everything. Oh.
You don't like it?
No, I do, I do.
It's very flowery.
Boy, there sure are
a lot of questions here.
Okay, name:
Charity Hope Valentine.
Soon to become
Mrs. Oscar Lindquist.
Age...
Yeah, what the hell?
Heck.
Place of birth:
New York, New York.
New York.
Identifying marks?
What are they?
You know,
scars, birthmarks,
tattoos.
Oh. Tattoo.
I'm gonna have it taken off,
Oscar, you know.
Occupation:
Unemployed.
It hurts like crazy, they say,
but you can have 'em taken off.
Charity.
Yeah?
Okay, finished.
Your turn.
Boy, I'll tell ya, I didn't care too
much for the first half of my life,
but the second half
sure is gettin' good.
Charity, I can't
go through with it.
Did you hear what I said,
Charity? I can't marry you.
You're nervous,
aren't ya, Oscar?
It's perfectly natural
for the groom to be nervous...
I can't do it.
Is this a joke?
Is this a joke, Oscar?
'Cause if this is a joke,
it's a very rotten joke.
Oh, this isn't a joke. Nobody
would joke about a thing like this.
Is it a joke?
I know what it is!
It's this stupid dress!
Oh, me and
my rotten, crummy taste.
Why don't we get me another dress
and this time you pick it out?
It's not the dress.
It's not the dress.
It's the way I talk,
isn't it?
I know, sometimes
I say those dumb things.
But if I went to night school,
in no time at all...
Charity, it's not you.
It's me.
What are you trying to tell me?
I don't know how to explain it.
Well, try, Oscar.
Holy mackerel, please try.
Charity, I have this thing,
this mental block.
What? So? There's a lot
of that goin' around.
A stupid, childish, insane
fixation. I know it's wrong.
I know it's not what a person's done, i
- it's what's inside.
But I can't help it.
Did you hear that? I know it's
wrong, and I can't help it.
I got an idea.
Let's you and me go ahead and
get married, and then afterward...
we'll talk about
your fixation, okay?
You're better off without me,
Charity. I'm doing you a favor.
Oscar. Oscar!
Oscar! We could be
so happy together.
Growing flowers
in New Jersey.
On days when your mental block was
botherin' you, you could stay in bed.
And I'd grow
the flowers.
Oscar. Oscar, listen.
I could change
the way I talk.
I could change
the way I dress, you know.
But there's certain things a person
can't change because they're history.
And you can't change history, Oscar,
no matter how much you want to.
Oh, Charity.
Oscar, I got so much to give.
Please, let me give it to you.
Charity, I'm saving you...
I'm saving you from me.
Don't save me.
Marry me.
Don't beg, Charity. You're
too good to beg to anyone.
Oscar, hey, you know, we don't have
to get married if you don't want to.
I mean, we could just, uh,
you know, be together.
Don't you understand?
I would destroy you.
But that's okay.
I'm not doing much now
anyway.
Oh, God.
Forgive me.
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
I forgive...
Where am I going
and what will I find
What's in this grab bag
that I call my mind
What am I doing
alone on the shelf
Ain't it a shame
No one's to blame
but myself
Which way is clear
When you've lost your way
Year after year
Do I keep falling in love
For just the kick of it
Staggering through
the thin and thick of it
Hating each old
and tired trick of it
You know what I am
I'm good and sick of it
Where am I going
Why do I care
Run to the Bronx
or Washington Square
No matter where I run
I meet myself there
Looking inside me
What do I see
Anger and hope and doubt
What am I all about
and where am I going
Yeah? Hey, it's
the old married lady!
Hi, baby, it's me. How'd it go? Nickie.
What are you doin' callin' here?
You must have better things to do.
Nickie, I wanna talk to ya.
You ought to hear her.
She's all choked up.
Charity, I can't tell ya
how happy all of us are for ya.
We've been doin' nothin' else
but talkin' about it all day.
Tell us about the ceremony.
It must have been beautiful.
And talk loud 'cause
we're all listenin'. Shh.
Uh... uh...
Yeah.
Yeah, i-it was beautiful.
It was beautiful
just like in the movies.
Did he give you a nice ring? Did
he carry you over the threshold?
Did he hang out a "do
not disturb" sign? Shh!
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
he did all those things.
Just like in the movies,
you know?
Well, put the groom on.
We wanna hear his side.
Oh, well, I can't.
He can't, you know.
We promise we won't
say nothin' dirty.
We just want to say good
luck. Put him on! Shh!
Okay, just a second.
Honey, uh, the girls wanna
say good luck, you know?
He says... He says he can't.
He's shaving, you know.
Are you happy, baby?
Are you finally happy?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm finally happy.
I hope so. Listen,
don't talk to us no more.
Any man who's shaving
means business.
So long, baby,
and thanks for callin'.
It meant a lot you thinkin'
about us at a time like this.
Hey, listen, if the first one's
a girl, you can call it Nickie.
If it's a boy, you can call
it Nickie. So long, baby!
Bye! Bye!
Bye.
Looking inside me
What do I see
Anger and hope and doubt
What am I all about
And where am I going
You tell me.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Morning.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Good morning.
Good morning.