He did the monster mash
- It was a graveyard smash
- He did the mash
Jimmy Hill is dressing up
as a box drink...
with a straw and everything.
Kenny goes down the straw,
and there's a compartment.
That is kind of dumb.
Can I have a beer, Mom?
May I have a beer, please?
May I have a beer, please?
Absolutely not.
- When are we going to go?
- As soon as your papa gets here.
Where would he go?
Come on, you tickle bunnies.
It's time to go.
Come on. Let's go.
Kyle's not going with us.
Oh, yeah? Why, you don't
want to be with the family?
No, he wants to be
with his friends.
- What for?
- To have fun.
Oh. Well, okay.
Have fun.
Hey.
Be cool.
You people look so great.
Here, my little bee.
Did You get the film?
No. How is my little bumblebee?
- Fine.
- You had the car.
You couldn't get film
in the truck?
Nope.
Come on. Let's go trick-or-treat.
Did I scare you?
I scared you.
Yes, I did.
I scared you. I got you good.
You liked my mask.
- No.
- Okay, trick-or-treat.
Here we come.
Trick-or-treat.
Hello. Well, it's a little rat.
- I'm a mouse.
- Oh, all right.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Hello, Mr. Manners.
- Hi.
- Hello, Mr. Manners.
- Hello.
It's Lois Clarent.
Hi. How are you?
I didn't recognize you.
Because I put on weight,
you mean.
No, because you had
the mask on.
How's her dad?
He's in Rittsburgh
for two more weeks...
in case you want to know.
Trick-or-treat.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, Sam.
Here you go.
Yes, there you go.
Don't eat it now.
Rut it back in the bag.
- Who's the pig?
- Oh, Lois Clarent.
Oh? Is that on again?
Sam, she's married.
Wait till you see how beautiful
the brochure for the Caribbean trip is.
Thank you, Wiley.
Look. Holiday Isle.
Oh, isn't that won...
You know, I remember
when Sam's father left the Horses.
They gave us a free week in Boston.
But this... Sam, have you seen this?
Yes. Everybody looks
happy and thin.
There's probably no such place.
Yes, too bad you won't be able
to come and find out.
Should have gotten married.
Lived happily ever after.
- He was too smart.
- Come on, Daddy.
Too bad you going to take
someone you're related to.
Oh, Sam, you could take
your mother.
Hey, Rearne.
You want to go to the Caribbean?
Oh, sure.
Oh, wait.
I got a better idea.
Sam, get this.
Maybe old Lois Clarent's husband
will be out of town.
You could marry her,
go on the trip.
Come back, divorce her.
He'll never know the difference.
What do you think?
- Hi. How you doing?
- Trick-or-treat.
- Hi. How you doing?
- Trick-or-treat.
Come on, Bernie.
Fill them up there.
Okay. Here you go.
Last year we had to go out and buy them
candy after they came to your house.
Trick-or-treat.
Hey!
Hey, come back here!
- Wiley, what are you doing?
- Shit.
- Cut through Grady's.
- Can't see a shitting thing.
Wiley, do you realize
you're trying to run down a Fiat?
Yes, let's go.
- Slowing down, aren't you?
- Cramps.
Sam, what are we going to do
if we catch them?
Well, we could have heart attacks
and die. Then they'd feel bad.
Hot wire.
Hey, stop right there!
You boys...
you know that there's
kids out here in the street.
Little kids. My kids!
What are you trying to do,
hurt them, huh?
- Give me the eggs.
- They're for school.
Yes, for what, home ec?
You guys, if I even hear...
- Sam.
- Wiley, let me handle this.
- If I even hear about you guys...
- Sam.
Thanks.
If I hear about you guys misbehaving,
you're going to have me to answer to.
Do I make myself clear?
- Get outta here.
- Sorry, Wiley.
- Kids, huh?
- Yes, well, what are you going to do?
This is a dumb idea, Wiley.
Oh, don't be such a dong.
You ready?
Car's coming.
Ready, set, now!
Oh, shit.
Wiley, is that you?
No.
There's been an accident
out at Cavender Bog.
Kyle was driving.
Is he all right?
He's okay, isn't he?
He's all right, goddamn it.
That's what I tried to tell you.
He's fine.
What the hell were those dumb-ass kids
doing down at Cavender Bog?
Joyride, I guess.
Hot-wired the car.
Kyle hot-wired a car?
Where did he learn how to do that?
Oh, great.
You taught him.
I didn't think he'd go
and damn and do it.
Jesus. I'm going to kill him.
Don't overreact, Wiley.
It's just a material possession.
The hell you say.
That's my car.
No, actually, it's Sam's car.
What? It's my...
Wayne, it's my car?
Uh-huh.
The important thing
is that you're all right.
The important thing
is that you're all right.
I don't want you getting sick.
- Wiley, wait.
- Get outta the way.
- Look.
- Kyle.
- He had an excuse.
- Oh, he had an excuse.
Oh, good, I'll hear it. Then, when it
isn't any good, then I'll kill him.
I am going to trick-or-treat
every bone in your body.
- He was just doing what we did.
- Jesus. What did we do?
- We... With Sam's car.
- What?
You stole it,
and then you drowned it.
You've been telling him how you put
the car on the raft since he was two.
Jesus, I didn't mean
that he should do it.
- You did it.
- Sank it, just like your kid!
Do you remember the look on his face
when the back end hit the water?
- Come on, Sam.
- I remember the look on your face.
Yes, sure. Go ahead. Laugh.
Very adult.
He wouldn't talk to me
for two months.
And I was grounded.
Oh, yeah. And I got hurt when I got
in your bedroom window that night.
- Remember that?
- Stop.
Let's get a picture of this.
This is fun.
Oh, damn it.
We don't have any film.
Oh, God, the goddamn film, man.
All I said was that there's...
I heard what you said.
Jesus, you never let up, do you?
You always want to make
a big fucking deal out of everything.
Maybe that's the only way
you'll ever pay attention.
- You want pictures?
- Yes, I want some pictures.
- You want to take some pictures?
- I'd like to take some pictures.
Here, take some pictures of this,
why don't you, huh?
Maybe that'll make you happy.
Jesus!
Okay, here we are
home furnishings...
linens, ladies' undergarments.
Watch your step there, Eunice.
That a girl.
How soon is all this
scaffolding mess coming down?
Oh, it won't be too long.
Any second now, hopefully.
Listen. Feel free
to look around there.
And if you need anything,
just give a holler.
Watch your step, though.
It's a big day, isn't it?
- What are you doing?
- Marching in the parade.
- Okay?
- Yes, sure.
- Name's Adie Nims.
- Yes, I know. I remember.
So, how are things going
over at the elementary school?
Why? Feeling guilty about not letting
me teach at the big kids' school?
No, I think I'm just curious
as to how things are going.
Oh.
Well, just great.
You could come visit sometime.
Then you would know.
Yes, well, guess I could.
Shit.
I told those guys to make
one nice, big pile over here...
so we could haul
all this stuff away.
This is what I get.
The school board wants
the rest of the construction tour...
and they would like
to check the cost report.
How the hell am I supposed to get
this goddamn gym built...
before Valentine's Day if I going to
parade those old farts around?
Well, it's their gym.
They're paying for it.
What do they think,
I can't do the job?
No, Wiley.
Yes, I still got it.
I'm going to miss
this old firetrap, you know.
Scored 33 points
against Manchester in here.
That was an all-girl team.
Yes, but they were tall.
Yes, I'm going to miss it too.
I think Kyle was conceived
right up there.
Yes, Sandy and I couldn't keep
our hands off each other back then.
Wasn't your hands
that were the problem.
Who is this?
Oh, that's the high school
principal in training.
- No.
- It is.
Where am I supposed
to put the urinals?
- Same shirt, I think.
- I can't believe this is you.
Your ears are so big.
Oh, my God.
It's the haircut. Everybody's ears
were big in those pictures.
- No, it's not the hair.
- It's not true, Sam.
Sam, see, look at this.
You're crazy, man.
The girls' locker room is right there.
If we put the boys' room right there...
I loved this dress.
My mom made this prom dress.
Took her a month.
She did it all by hand.
I was so afraid that Wiley
wasn't going to like it.
- Did he?
- Right there in the drawing.
I don't know. Wiley, do you remember
that dress that my mom made?
The white one with the pink sash
for the prom?
- Did you like that?
- Oh, yeah, I loved it.
All 43 buttons of it.
Look. You and Wiley
look perfect together.
They were always right
for each other.
Sam...
your date here for the prom...
she had rather large ears also.
I remember her.
As I recall, we used to have to
tie her down in heavy winds.
My mother arranged it
because nobody else would take her.
That doesn't explain why he went out
with her for another month afterward.
- She was very nice, really.
- She was nice, actually.
- Let's go.
- Now you're leaving?
Well, maybe you should also know
that before the prom...
he gave her a feather
instead of a corsage.
Good night, Sam.
My God, look at this.
I must have driven 100 miles
looking for that corsage.
Did you really?
Yes. I damn near drove the wheels
off my dad's truck.
I didn't know that.
I really loved it.
I slept with it on my pillow
for about three weeks.
Gosh, look at these faces.
Well, better clean up
the dishes.
Yes, I going to get to bed.
That's all right.
I'm awake.
It was nice of you to take Kyle.
I promised I'd take him this year.
What?
Nothing.
We don't kiss very much anymore.
I know.
Cold out there?
I'll just never father children,
now that my dong's disappeared.
Gets colder every year.
You notice that?
It's just 'cause
we get older every year.
Our blood keeps getting thinner.
Well, then maybe
we'd better thicken it up.
Dad.
- Yes?
- Can we come in?
Nope.
Be warmer if we let them in.
Okay.
No farting.
Oh, now that's really cute.
Who did that?
Oh, God.
I wish they all
could be California
- I wish they all could be...
- What the hell is that?
- Beach Boys.
- I wish they all could be California
- No, it's David Lee Roth.
- They all could be California girls
No, that's The Beatles, isn't it?
The West Coast has the sunshine
And the girls all get so tanned
I dig a French bikini
on Hawaii island dolls
By a palm tree
in the sand
I been all around
this great big world
And I seen all kinds of girls
I win last year?
Well, I won the year before.
Well, I know I won
the year before that.
Yes, yeah, my skate broke.
Good luck, guys.
Dad, nice knowing you.
Kyle, stay close
to the islands there.
So...
what's the score lifetime?
Boon 10, Manners 10.
- On your mark.
- Well...
this is kind of
an important one then, isn't it?
Get set.
Winner gets Miss Nims.
Go!
Let's hear it for the tortoises!
Go on by, suckers.
This is my strategy.
Whoa!
Oh, no, Dad.
Sam! Mr. Manners!
Kyle, wait.
This ice is a little thin over here?
Go back!
You old dong, Wiley.
I know.
Get a blanket.
Hi, Dad.
Here.
You boys, take your shoes off
and go get the truck.
- You trust me to drive?
- Go.
And you meet us at Nelson Bridge.
You know where I mean?
Yes, I trust...
Go on. Just go on. Hurry up.
Be careful!
You cheated, Wiley. All my life,
never known you to cheat.
What's the matter?
I don't think I'm...
happy.
Well, you don't seem real happy.
Are you worried about the gym?
No, I'm not worried
about the goddamn gym.
I suppose you think I'm stupid.
No, I don't.
I want to break up with Sandy.
What?
I don't want to be married
and have three kids and everything.
A little late to be thinking
about this, isn't it?
Everybody sit down
and think of something nice to say.
Now I'll go first
since it's my house...
and I am the oldest
and the wisest.
I am thankful
we're all here together.
Used to mean so much to my mother
to have her whole brood...
around her at Thanksgiving...
even though we didn't
particularly like each other.
And I would like to welcome
Sam's new friend Abby.
- Adie.
- Oh, yes, of course.
I'm so sorry.
- Now who's next?
- Now, Mother.
I'm thankful that we all haven't died
in a nuclear bomb yet.
- Amen.
- Me too.
- Next?
- Miss Nims.
You don't have to
if you don't want to.
It's just a tradition
we can't seem to get rid of.
- No, I don't mind.
- Well.
I guess I'm thankful that...
Sam was too stupid to hire me
to teach in the high school...
because then it would have been
illegal or something for us to go out...
and I wouldn't get to be here
and have this nice meal...
with all you nice people.
Well, that's not why
I didn't hire you.
But you're right,
that was pretty smart.
Why didn't you hire me?
Because I didn't think
you'd had enough experience.
Oh. So, now you're helping me
get experience. Is that it?
I think we're having
our first fight.
It wasn't just me, anyway.
I have the school board to answer to.
We're waiting to see
what you're thankful for, Sam.
Right, okay.
I'm thankful for everything
that's happened in the last...
four billion years that's made it
possible for me to meet you.
I'm thankful I'm so close
to the bathroom. I'm going to throw up.
I'm thankful
that we have each other.
- I think we're very lucky.
- Speak for yourself.
What is wrong with you?
Nothing.
Everybody else has screwed up.
Well, if it's so diff! Cult for you,
why don't you leave?
Wiley, what are you doing?
Are you just going to ruin everything?
Is that the idea?
I don't know. Maybe.
Well, you're sure working
hard enough at it.
No, I'm not.
It comes naturally to me.
Nothing to it.
Where do you think
you're going, anyway?
Maybe I'll stay at the gym.
It's my goddamn gym.
Is that what you want me to do?
Yes, that's what
I want you to do, Wiley.
Oh, I made this.
I mean, when I was little.
- Hello.
- Hi.
What are you doing?
Is that for you?
- Yes.
- What are you doing?
Admiring the Christmas tree.
Sam's done a beautiful job
with the tree.
Yes, I particularly
like the chicken.
Sam loves Christmas.
He always has.
Yes, well, I find it romantic,
if you know what I mean.
Yes.
Oh, yes, well,
it's too romantic for me.
Too bad you won't be
with us for Christmas.
You made it this far.
You could stay, you know.
It'd be a lot more fun
than going all the way to Florida.
I mean, Florida. God, what a drag.
It's going to be warm there.
I have to visit
my own mommy and daddy.
Yes, but I'm going to miss you.
Good. It'll give you something
to do till New Year's Eve.
What are you looking for?
I hope you find it.
This is like going
to the ophthalmologist.
I've never told
anybody this before.
But you are really
changing my life.
You're improving
the quality of my life.
Then I'm glad
I didn't know you before this.
You don't believe me,
do you?
I can make myself
a little more clear.
Just shut up and give me
my Christmas present.
Get up there and seal
all those vents and hatches.
Make sure you get them
sealed good.
Finish rolling out that last section
of roof before we lose the whole thing.
Well, if it isn't the lovebirds.
What the hell are you doing here?
School's closed.
We're going shopping.
Who is?
We are. You and I.
For Christmas, remember?
When people buy presents
and are nice to each other?
We're not going shopping
at 7:00 in the morning.
No, I'm going into my off! Ce
to do some work. Adie's going away...
and she just stopped by to drop me off
because I don't have a car.
Is that okay? We brought you something.
Christmas muffins.
Christmas muffins.
Yes. Adie made them.
No kidding.
You made them, huh?
Talented.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Well, I'll see you.
I forgot to tell you something.
I'm going to miss you.
Oh, well, okay.
I'm going to miss you too.
Okay, great. It's a deal.
She loves me.
What can I tell you?
Jesus.
Oh, you got yourself
all set up here, don't you?
Oh, yeah.
It's really great, Sam.
So, pretty happy that things
have worked out the way they have?
- Yes.
- Really?
- You're really happy, huh?
- Yes, I'm really goddamn happy.
Couldn't help being curious
as to why you seem so miserable.
- What, is that the way I seem?
- Yes.
Well, that's a misperception then,
'cause I am very happy.
I'm close to my work.
Nobody gives me any crap about it.
I got all the comforts of home.
I don't even have to put
the toilet seat down after I go pee-pee.
Combine lines 20 to 40.
Yes, thanks.
And my kids come to see me.
Which they damn well better do
any minute now.
And people bring me
Christmas muffins.
So, what's the problem?
What about Sandy?
Exactly. I haven't had a fight
with anybody in over a month.
You don't miss her?
I mean, you know.
You know.
Oh, the other kind
of muffins.
Muff muffins.
No.
I didn't miss them the whole last year
when we weren't making muffins.
So I don't miss them
any more now.
Doesn't look like you're going
to the Caribbean, does it?
No, I guess not, Sam.
Goddamn it, Canecki.
Don't just use the plastic around there.
- You going to put tar around those vents.
- Okay.
I going to go to work.
Harry, don't spare
any of those nails...
- Daddy!
- Or that paper will blow off.
Come here, you little rugrat.
It's about time.
Daddy, I want to go up
in that orange thing.
Hi, Debs.
Okay, sweetheart.
- Hi. How you doing?
- Great. How you doing?
Good. Hi, Kyle.
Will you tell this guy
to go talk to his father?
He's a jerk.
No, he's just, you know,
acting like a jerk.
Yes, well, I don't talk to jerks
or people who act like jerks.
He really loves you, Sandy.
- Who's that?
- Wiley. He really does.
He really misses you,
and he's very upset.
- And I think it's a matter of time...
- Sam, this isn't high school...
so let's not pretend
that we're still 17, okay?
Okay. Well, I going to go...
into the high school.
You got a hold?
Hold real tight.
Look. You can almost
see the house from here.
Isn't this neat?
What's wrong, Debs?
You're not going to be here
to put it together.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, Merry Christmas.
Your dad here?
Hey, you came home, huh?
No, Sam, just visiting.
Oh. No muffins, huh?
No. No muffins.
- Where's Adie?
- Florida.
Yes. No muffins, huh?
No.
It's a very disappointing
Christmas, muffin- wise.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Merry Christmas.
Wiley, you've got to find something
for this kid to do before he blows up.
You want to come and work with me
at the gym, son?
I'd rather get gangrene
all over my body.
Great.
You got yourself a job.
I guess you guys know what happens
a week from now.
No, what's that?
It's the Horses'
New Year's Eve party.
- I'm going.
- You taking Adie?
Oh, you bet. She can't wait.
She's flying in special for it.
I remember what a rollicking
good time it was...
when the Horses
all get together and feud.
Yes, well, it's our last chance
before we get kicked out to pasture.
We're getting old.
You guys coming?
Oh, yeah, you going to come.
You're the president.
President has to be there.
It's in the charter.
Sandy, what do you say?
I'll wait and see how
the rest of the year pans out.
Okay. It's settled.
You can double up with me and Adie.
Be just like old times.
See? Merry Christmas.
Nothing to it.
Everything's the same color.
I don't think I understand.
Does the sun come through
your bathing suit or something?
And what's your mother
say about this?
She tells me
to wear sunscreen.
Oh, well, so you had sunscreen on.
That's different.
I thought for a minute there
you were totally naked.
Was this in a part of Florida
where there were no other people?
You're not feeling possessive
or anything, are you?
Not at all.
Is that the way it seems?
No, I love having my sweetheart
walking around exposing herself.
We're here.
Yes, so?
So?
You invited her.
Why don't you go get her?
You get out, you walk up the sidewalk,
you knock on the door.
You could've just honked.
Isn't this great?
Am I the only one here
who's freezing?
She doesn't even feel the cold.
She doesn't even wear a bathing suit.
I'm insensitive.
What happened to my tie?
Kyle wanted me
to wear this one.
- What was wrong with my tie?
- It was ugly.
Old Horses never die.
They stick around forever.
Old Horses never die.
They stick around forever.
Yes, you get it?
"Stick around."
It's off to the glue factory...
for all you suckers that had
the poor sense to turn 35 this year.
If they raid this place...
we could get arrested
for encouraging stupidity.
Let's not feel
too sorry for them.
They're going to the Caribbean!
Let me present, for the last time,
the Horses...
Do you ever wonder why women
don't have groups like this?
We're too smart.
And anyway we don't have time.
I think it's because
we don't need them.
You know, to make friends
and everything.
Of course, I don't have
any friends, so...
- You?
- Oh, I've got tons of friends.
Maybe we should just grow peckers
and join up.
Sam Manners, what is it?
Oh, yeah, big shot.
High school principal.
Yes, Sam!
And our dishonorable president...
Wiley Boon, contractor.
Yea, Wiley, you big shit.
Here come a couple of peckers now.
Come on. Let's dance
before you guys get any older.
So, we going to dance?
I don't know.
That lucky bastard.
Thanks. A lot.
No, I meant 'cause Sam's
having so much fun.
Sandy, I wouldn't mind dancing.
Why don't you cut in?
I'm sure Adie could use a break.
- I get it. That's a joke, right?
- Yep.
You mean dance with Sam. Yes,
that's so funny, I'm pissing my pants.
I'm getting another beer.
Don't be cruel
To a heart that's true
Thank you.
Oh, here she is.
Honey, you remember Darielle McDonald?
Sandy Smith.
Boy, have you changed.
I certainly hope so.
Wiley, I'm leaving.
- Why?
- I'm not feeling too great.
- I'll get Adie's Jeep.
- No.
The Robinsons
said they'd take me.
- All right. I'll go with you.
- No, I want you to stay.
It's your party.
I want you to have fun.
Well, baby,
if I made you mad
About something
I might have said
Oh, well,
please let's forget the past
Darielle, could I have
ten more beers, please?
Don't be cruel
To a heart that's true
I don't want no other...
I'll get him.
Cold out here.
- I'm cool, you're cool.
- I know. Come on. Let's go.
I got a ride.
- No, I'm okay.
- We're right over here.
No, wild horses could not
drag me into that Jeep.
Adie baby,
with the tan "kadoodies."
Oops.
What do you call that?
The joke.
When it's not funny,
what do you call that?
Wiley Boon.
That's even funnier
than the other funny thing.
Yes, come on. Let's go.
No, go away.
Go away.
Clear the area!
Here's my ride.
Good night, now.
Y'all drive carefully.
Okay, I'm all right now.
Why are you so upset?
I don't know.
Dad?
Hi.
- Some party last night.
- Yes, sir, I do believe.
How you feeling?
Let me get back to you
on that one.
What you doing here?
I don't know. I thought
you might be working.
So I thought
maybe we could do some work.
Yes, that's a good idea.
You want to open up?
Whose car is that?
I don't know. Wait here.
I'll get the gym keys.
Yo, Manners!
Your friend is here.
Tell him I'm busy.
So what do you gain
by not telling her?
Probably my life.
Yes, well, your life's
not worth much now, anyway.
Why is it you always
have to talk to me like a principal?
Because I'm a principal.
How do you want me to talk to you?
Like a contractor?
Move that goddamn ladder!
Get those cars outta there!
Get to work!
- Lean to the right!
- Hammer those nails!
Lean to the right, damn it!
Lean, god damn it I lean!
I can understand why the whole
god damn world is mad at me...
but why are you mad at me?
We're talking about Sandy.
Do you remember Sandy?
Are you trying to hurt her?
Jesus.
What should I do?
Talk to her, man to man. Tell her
you screwed up and you're sorry.
- That's what I should tell her?
- Yes.
- That I screwed up and I'm sorry?
- Yes!
I can't tell her that.
Then tell her good-bye.
Or tell her something.
Just tell her something.
Want to come with me?
Hi.
You want to go to lunch?
What?
Lunch.
You know, food.
Eat. Lunch.
It's 9:30, Wiley.
Well, forget it.
It was a stupid idea anyway.
- Kyle tell you?
- Tell me what?
Nothing. Never mind.
That you crawled off with Darielle?
He didn't have to tell me.
So, how's it going?
How do you mean?
I mean, how's it going?
How's the car running?
Car running okay?
- Car's running great.
- That's good.
How's the gym?
The gym?
Oh, it's great.
We ought to be able
to have that Valentine's dance by...
Memorial Day easy.
You want to come
and see it sometime?
I don't think so.
The kids are all right.
I mean...
They don't seem too messed up
by us being apart.
Everything's working out okay.
Yes, great.
What do you want?
How do you mean?
You didn't come to talk about the car
and the kids. What do you want?
Nothing.
Good. You've got it.
What are you doing here?
It's parent visitation night.
I'm a parent.
Where's your mother?
She's at the elementary school.
So I'm the first one here, huh?
You do this?
Yes, sir.
This your girlfriend?
- I'm his dad.
- Hi.
So are you going to
come back to work sometime...
or did you get
a better job?
You wouldn't be the only one
working for me that doesn't like me.
I screwed up.
And I'm sorry.
So fuck you.
Dad, wait.
Dad.
Fuck you too.
- How you doing?
- Why, am I terminal?
- How you doing?
- Why, am I terminal?
No, I was just concerned.
I'm doing fine.
How are you doing?
More to the point,
how's BJ doing?
BJ's doing okay,
for an orphan.
What's that supposed to mean?
I have all these brave little kids
I'm trying to teach long division...
and what they really want to know...
is why Mommy and Daddy
are so mean to each other.
I know you're very well-intentioned,
but you're way out of line here.
If there's one thing in my life I know
I've done right, it's my kids...
and despite everything,
Wiley is a good father.
We love our kids,
and they know it.
My kids are going to be just fine.
What about you?
I'm sorry you're going
through such a hard time.
Yes, well, I'm sorry too.
My next stop
is the high school, and...
I'm always afraid
I'm going to run into him...
or afraid I'm not
going to run into him.
I just don't know
what to say anymore.
Why don't you say
whatever you want?
Yes, I could do that.
What do I want?
That's good.
Where'd you learn to drive?
Cavender Bog.
What do you think, Mom?
It looks like a gym.
It's great.
Thanks.
Wiley, could you
come down here a minute, please?
Sure.
Kyle, move this thing.
Listen.
I want to go
to the Caribbean.
Is that a fact?
Can you get away from the gym?
Can I get away from the gym?
Of course I can
get away from the gym.
So, you want to go to
the Caribbean, huh?
That could be fun.
I didn't say I wanted any part
of your body touching any part of mine.
I just said I wanted to go.
It's paid for,
and I think I deserve it...
after putting up with
15 years of Horses shit.
Well...
all right.
All right.
Come on, kids. Let's go.
I'll ask my mom to baby-sit.
Is there anything special
you want me to pack for you?
No, just whatever's
in the closet.
What was all that about?
Why does she want to go
to the Caribbean all of a sudden?
I don't know.
Maybe she's cold.
Caribbean. Yes.
You will be finished
with the gym, won't you?
You give me three more days
to finish this wiring...
do a little more painting...
You can start hanging
your crepe paper and your valentines.
That's nice.
Who are you?
Oh, I thought it was you.
You want some tea?
I want to ask you something.
I've never told anybody
this before.
Honey?
Sandy and Wiley are going
to the Caribbean after all.
That's nice.
Yes, it is.
You want to get married?
I'm just kidding.
But I wanted to ask you...
what do you think
about the idea of marriage, anyway?
I mean, as a concept.
I think it's okay.
Yes?
Yes, I think it's probably okay too,
on a theoretical level.
You want to get married?
Do you?
No.
No?
Why not?
I believe that life...
is an endless highway.
I mean, up until you die.
And what I am is a bus...
and I'm chugging down the highway...
and boys and men...
climb on me
and they get off...
and I keep going.
And?
And l...
I keep thinking someday
I'm going to have to let someone...
sit up front with me and...
Look through my window
and share my ride.
That make any sense?
This how you talk to your second
graders? I'm not in the second grade.
- Are you mad?
- No. I hope you have a bus wreck.
Thanks for asking.
Shit.
I used to like being married,
till it got screwed up.
About the second week.
Nah.
It took longer than that.
But before I screwed it up, man...
it was really something.
I felt like there was
two of me or something.
When I was happy, I was...
twice as happy.
And when I was sad,
I was only half as sad.
Does that sound stupid?
It doesn't matter.
Now I feel like I shrank
or something.
Well...
thanks for cheering me up, Wiley.
I can't believe it.
Oh, no!
Look who Sam brought.
Nice date there, Sam.
That's so nice. You brought your mom
along to read you bedtime stories.
- I got her her own room.
- You are such a good son.
All right, I want you kids
to watch it now.
- All right? You're in charge.
- All right. Don't worry.
Bye, baby.
We'll see you.
Oh, BJ, bundle up.
Here, sweetheart.
I'll miss you, darling.
Bye-bye.
Good-bye, sweetheart.
I'll see you, George.
Bye-bye.
- Be nice to each other.
- You guys be nice to each other too.
Have a good week.
There's only one bed.
What are we going to do?
We slept in the same bed for months
without bumping into each other.
I'm sure we'll be fine.
Or we can sleep in shifts.
Oh, my God,
it looks just like the brochure.
Except Sam wasn't in
the brochure. Hi, Sam.
Hi, Sandy.
- Hi, Claire. Hi, Dan.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi, Jim.
- Hi, Jim. Hi, Olivia.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi, Wiley.
- Hi, Jim. Hi, Olivia.
- Hi, Wiley.
- Hi, Claire. Hi, Dan.
- Hey, Wiley.
- Hi, Wiley.
- Hi, Wayne. Hi, Judy.
- Hi, Rearne.
- Hi, everybody.
Rearne!
Sam, how many beds
you got in your room?
One. Why?
Place costs a lot of money
to only get one bed, huh?
Are those girls naked?
Is that what I'm seeing here?
Yes, I believe so.
Well, for Christ's sake.
You don't see that in Vermont.
Bet you're glad
you didn't get married now, huh?
Look at the hooters on that...
That is the most incredible body
I've ever seen in my whole life.
Want to go sailing?
We don't know how to sail.
So?
So...
this is sailing.
All right, Sam!
We're sailing!
Can't you get it going any faster?
Yes, just pull this.
I'm there, Sam.
Whoa! Where's all that water
coming from?
Here we are! We're out here!
I'm riding this thing I let's go!
Get up there!
Let's go! Yes!
- How do you make it go back?
- I don't know.
Back, boat, back!
Heya, matey!
- Help!
- Help!
Help!
Land ho!
If we live through this,
I'm going to kill you.
I don't suppose you're in the mood
for a little motherly advice.
Very wise.
Then I won't tell you to go ahead
and call Adie and stop being ridiculous.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thursday night,
it says "Horse Casino Night."
- That ought to be fun.
- Good. That's what we'll do.
Thursday night
is the Horses banquet.
Oh, right.
That is going to be lots of fun.
Did you get
your speech ready, Wiley?
- Where's Sam?
- I don't know, dear.
I suppose he's off somewhere
eating his heart out.
And Saturday night is
the moonlight cruise for lovers only.
- I guess that leaves us out.
- Yes, it sure as hell does.
It sure as hell does.
- Glad they have each other.
- 'Cause nobody else would want them?
No, it's the two puppy theory.
They can play together.
Wish my Roger had had a pal.
He might have lived longer.
And I might have thought
not quite so often about killing him.
Rearne, I know that you had
a wonderful marriage...
and they're probably going
to make you a saint someday...
but it's not making me feel
any better now.
I'm sorry.
You remember my husband, Sandra?
No, not really. I'm sorry.
I'm sure he was a nice guy.
You certainly don't remember him.
He was a very diff! Cult,
disagreeable man.
But I happened to love him...
which, as we both know, is not
worth much on the common market.
But I thought my marriage
was worth fighting for...
so I fought for it
to the bloody end.
Okay. Fine, Rearne.
I've got it. Thank you.
It's only life, dear.
Hi.
I want to sleep with you.
What?
- I want to sleep with you.
- Wait a minute. No.
I can't.
I'm sorry. I can't.
But you said
you had a crush on me.
Yes, I did,
in the ninth grade.
That was 22 years ago.
You don't find me
attractive anymore?
No, I find you attractive...
but you're my best friend's wife.
It's that kind of attractive.
Oh, God,
this is so depressing.
Come on.
Oh, Sam,
what am I going to do?
About what?
About my life,
about my marriage.
I'm not really a good person
to ask about marriage.
I'm so jealous of you.
Why?
Because I just don't have
any fun anymore...
and even when you guys are fighting,
you seem to be having a good time.
Yes, well,
it's a little different.
You know, we don't fight naked.
Sam, I can't seem to find Sandy.
Have you see...
I found her.
There she is.
Hi, Sandy.
Hi, Sam.
Excuse me.
Wiley, it's not
what it looks like.
What is it, then?
We didn't have sex or anything.
Then what's my wife
doing in your bed?
I wanted to have sex with him,
but he didn't want to.
Why not?
What's wrong with her?
Why do you want
to have sex with Sam?
Why would you want to have sex
with Darielle scuzz-face slut-bag!
God, l...
God!
I don't think who did what to whom
is really the issue here.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what is the goddamn issue?
I don't know.
We all love each other, right?
Well, I love you guys...
and your behavior
is just not acceptable.
Now, we are going to go to bed
and forget about this...
and we're all going to
feel better tomorrow.
Sandy, you sleep here
since you're already in bed.
Wiley, sleep in your room. There's still
plenty of furniture for you to beat up.
And I will be very happy
to sleep on my couch...
which is on the beach.
Phone call for Mr. Manners.
Here's the phone.
- Hello?
- Hi.
I tried calling you all night.
I spent the night with Kyle.
Who's that?
Wiley's kid?
Well, that's nice.
Thank you for asking me
to marry you.
Well, it's...
It was just my way
of telling you that...
that I like you.
I like you too.
Bye.
Yes. I love these pants.
So this guy
comes up there and says...
Wiley! Wiley! Wiley!
I tried to get Sam to do this...
but he wouldn't.
Here we are,
at the end of the trail.
Our manes are getting thin,
our tails are hanging low.
Some people say that Horses
is a stupid organization.
We've done
some pretty stupid things.
Just ask my wife.
I'm sure
she'll go along with that.
We've done
some pretty good stuff too...
in our community.
Some of the best times of my life
have been with you guys.
Everything changes.
I don't know what the hell
we think we're doing.
We're okay.
We're just fine.
I just want us to do better.
Wiley, do you want to see me naked?
What do you think?
I think you're beautiful.
The most incredible body
you've ever seen, right?
Liar.
I liked your speech.
Thanks.
No, really, it reminded me
of when we were kids.
I mean, you were so sweet.
No, that was just so
I could get in your pants.
Oh, really?
That's all you wanted?
Yup.
Why didn't you get yourself
a cheerleader, then?
'Cause I wanted
a girl with glasses.
I guess you got more than
you bargained for, didn't you?
Well, so did I.
Well, I'm sorry.
Well, so am I.
Just run away,
you chickenshit!
You want to fight?
You want to fight with me?
Is that it?
Oh, you want to hide?
I get it!
Oh, that's typical.
You hide, I run away!
What a perfect couple we are.
Huh? No wonder
we're so fucking hopeless.
What do you want, Sandy?
What do you goddamn want?
I want us to love each other!
Well, isn't that something.
Because that's what I want too.
Here we are.
- Where's Daddy?
- He's there.
Hi, Dad.
Did you have a good time?
Sure did.
You look tanned.
Well, I've been out in the sun.
Need a lift, Wiley?
Yes. Go on to the gym, I guess.
Jess? Stop the bus.
I want to walk.
Dad. What are you
doing in that tree?
Kyle, go back to bed.
Wiley, what are you doing?
You scared me to death.
God, how did we get
to be such a mess?
Time.
Kyle, go back to bed, damn it.
Bed, Kyle.
Wiley, maybe if...
I think if we just
worked on it a little bit...
Sandy, don't you wish
it could just be?
Yes, but you...
Is that the way you built the gym?
I mean, you just wish for it,
and suddenly it was standing there?
Would you tear it down
if there were a few...
bricks missing
or the windows were broken?
No. I mean, sometimes, Wiley,
you have to...
work on it.
I love you.
And I miss you.
And I miss our family.
I'll always love you,
Wiley Boon.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
You want to go for a ride?
I know where
we could get a sports car.
A red one.
Oh, you.
As the clock struck 12,
she rolled over in the large bed...
only to see what she'd been
listening to for the past two hours.
Her husband.
His exhale had a slight whistle.
But then the dreaded inhale
that would shake the room...
as if a train were passing through.
- She couldn't take it any longer.
- Is that your car?
She reached over and shook her oblivious
mate until he rolled onto his side.
Sam, someone is stealing your car.
And then the train.
Again she woke.
Sandy, hang on!
- Yes!
- Yea, team!
Fall from up above
Why do fools fall in love
- Why do they...
- Okay.
Let's see if we can
get Sam's car to fly.
You really going to do this?
Hang on.
- My God, we did it, Wiley!
- Come on I let's go!
Maybe the damn thing
won't sink this time.
We did it!
I can't believe it!
We did it!
- Untie those lines.
- What?
Untie that line.
But don't let go of it.
Sam is going to be so pissed off...
when he sees his car floating out
in the middle of Cavender Bog.
You want to go to the dance?
I'll have to ask my mom.
She said it's okay.
Oh, shit.
I don't believe this!
Hi, Sam.
Hi, Sam.
You get that thing
off of there!
That's going to be
a little hard to do right now, Sam.
Don't talk back to me.
You're in big trouble here, pal.
This is grand larceny.
What are you going to do?
You going to send me to detention?
No, I'm going to send you to jail,
that's what I'm going to do.
- You won't send me to jail.
- Both of you.
- You were in this thing together.
- That's right!
- Come on, Sam.
- Oh, for crying...
You wouldn't be laughing
if this was your truck.
- Do you think this is funny?
- Yes, it's pretty funny.
This isn't funny.
Well, it's not unfunny.
This is not funny!
No, this is funny.
- Hey!
- What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Come on, now.
- Come on. Sandy.
- What are you...
- Come on.
- You see what you did?
- It's your girlfriend that untied it.
- My girlfriend...
wouldn't have had the opportunity
to do this if you hadn't stolen my car!
Sandy, throw me
the rope here, honey. Come on.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- We're sinking.
Okay? We're sinking now.
They're sinking now.
They're sinking.
- Oh, my God.
- I'll just pull it ahead.
Stereo, seat covers...
Smile.
Sandy, you're standing there, honey.
You're not moving.
We need help.
Go get help!
God!
- I like that.
- Nice picture.
Wiley, you want me to go back
and get your bathing suit, sweetheart?