1
[" Blue Dress " playing]
Wearing a blue dress
I don't care
Who's president
I'd rather look
Into the blue sky
Than hear
A pack of white lies
[applause]
Wow, wow, wow,
American Bloomers, folks.
An Ears Wide Shut exclusive.
Talking about our
g-g-generation.
And, next on the show
is Morning Breezwith
Sheila Browning,
on 87.9, Seattle's
public broadcast.
I've gotta go
like five minutes ago.
-Oh...
-Jeez...
Say hi
to the Brown Shirts for us.
-Hi, Sheila.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-I have three passes
to the Arctic yoga center.
-Interested?
-I think I'll take a pass.
Oh, yay, because ice yoga
is so trans-formative.
Well, no, I mean I'll pass
on the pass.
-Okay, Ethan.
-Understand?
-Listen, a sub zero
body stretch in a cryo tank.
-Okay, mmm-hmm.
-How can you say no?
-Read my lips, no ice yoga.
Thank you, though. Have fun.
[TV playing]
Sorry, we had
a live musical guest.
You're the producer
of this show.
You wanna be an exclusive
employee of the Tree Humpers
down the hall,
go ahead be my guest.
-It won't happen again.
-You're damn right
it won't happen again.
I'm trusting you with this
show while I'm gone.
Do try to be on time.
It's a matter
of self respect, ultimately.
[Voice on Radio] Get ready
for two hours with the
mic from the right,
the sage from Seattle,
Mr. Tom Fleischman.
All right, folks.
Well, the demon libs are
up to their old tricks again.
Their latest ploy
in dealing with the deficit,
is to raise the sales tax
on a cup of Joe?
And their other brilliant idea,
and I'm afraid
this one may pass,
is to ban all smoking
around the vicinity
of the Space Needle?
I mean why don't they just
ban the internal combustion
engine while they are at it?
Hello!
All right.
We have Cynthia from
Mount Rainier on the line.
First time calling,
long time admirer.
Well, thank you Cynthia.
And what's on your mind?
Oh, you're
on my mind, Tommy.
Ever since I first laid ears
on you,
I used to be an extremely
fertile liberal, liberal.
Well, am glad to know we've
opened your eyes.
Oh, you've opened up
a lot of things in me, Tommy.
Before I was selling crack
to support a crank habit.
Mixing Miley with Molly.
-Even hooking
kept the cable on.
-Heavens!
I know I've had nine abortions
in a six month span.
But, thanks to you, Tommy,
those dark and lustful,
orgasmic nights are gone.
-You showed me the light
and you turned me on. Oh!
-You!
I caught you red handed.
My hands are not red.
I was in the middle
of a tender, gender neutral
moment with my girlfriend.
And you interrupted it.
You one of those
anti-American punks?
Well, I'm more anti-stupidity
but, you guys have monopolized
that lately.
Just...
You're a card carrying
pussy, Ethan.
[sighs]
[drums playing]
Listen, Adrienne, look I saw
a movie once about a real
live talking Jedi.
I'm telling you what, it freaked
me out, I almost switched teams.
[laughs]
-Adrienne...
-It's so ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous, Adrienne.
Um, could we talk about
the duplex and your
down payment, please?
Hey, Adrienne, do you remember
I can't pay for anything.
I'm cash poor, you know that.
I know because you sunk your
freaking money into a
donut holes scheme.
Which deep fried
your credit score.
Listen, Doughglobes
has franchise potential
A franchise
is like Starbucks, okay?
Colonel Sanders was holed up
in a gunny shack in the middle
of Monroe, Kentucky,
now look where he is.
Here's your food.
Thank you. Awesome.
That looks... That's amazing.
Thank you so much.
That's really nice.
-What is this stuff?
-It's vegan.
Listen let's just switch
subjects, I've got
really good news.
-You do?
-I do.
Great.
What are we talking about?
A voice over part.
Honey! Honey!
-Thank you. Great.
-1500 dollars.
That's even
better. Nice.
-Okay.
-Yup. We have
to use your studio.
-Is that cool?
-Yeah.
No, seriously. That's great.
Definitely. Yeah, sure.
[soft piano music playing]
Governor Sollow promises
a cleaner environment
and yet,
his administration has
side stepped the natural
wildlife act at every turn.
Gutting some 50,000--
More forceful at the end.
Baby, if you didn't stare me
down the whole time too
that might be helpful too.
-Cause you're just kind of...
-What?
...his administration has
side stepped the natural
wildlife act at every turn.
Gutting some 50,000 acres
of our state's most pristine
forestry.
The Sierra club recently called
Governor Sollow a great
environmental disappointment.
Governor Sollow,
how low will he go?
Oh, great right hook.
Right on the kisser.
-I think you did it.
-Great.
Great job.
-Excellent job. Hi.
-Oh, thank you. Hi.
-Susan.
-I'm Ethan. Nice to meet you.
Oh, yes, so I finally
get to meet Adrienne's
mystery boyfriend.
Yeah.
I'd love for you to meet
my daughter, Julia.
Hi, so nice to meet you.
So great to have another
soldier on the ground.
Yeah, it's great to be here.
We just got her back
after a year in the Sudan.
That's cool, I'm, uh, I'm Ethan.
Hi.
So, listen I'm willing to pull
out all the stops for you.
'Cause I think you're
amazing and I'm here.
So, if you need me...
Thank you, Adrienne. I love
your energy. And you're
already proving invaluable.
Everything is just great.
You know what we really
should get going,
you've got that, uh...
That interview with
The Post.
You've got that fund-raiser
with the preschool.
And a brunch with Aaron Ivenson
Oh, well, what I need
is a strong cup of coffee.
Oh, Doughglobes has coffee.
-I don't know
what Doughglobes is.
-It's a donut.
I don't, I don't really
understand you.
Anyway, thank you so much.
I can't wait. This is great.
Nice meeting you guys.
-Nice to meet you, bye.
-Bye, nice to meet you.
Thanks for the gig,
I really appreciate it.
It's helping out a lot.
You're not getting
paid for this.
What are you talking about?
I mean that goes against
the 8000 dollars
that you owe me.
If you want to put a down
payment on a duplex,
that's your decision, not mine.
First of all,
we had a verbal agreement.
Adrienne, you're ridiculous.
Okay, you know what,
that hey...
-You know what, that's fine.
-See you, Adrienne.
[man on TV] Gold, the universal
symbol of wealth.
Ancient man forged coins
inventing money.
Today money
is not always gold, but
thankfully gold is always...
[cellphone ringing]
[gasps]
Fuck!
[cellphone ringing]
-Wow!
-Take it easy, Luke.
-For fuck's sake.
-It's the station man, sorry.
Yeah, hello?
Hey, Rouge, sorry to bother
you, uh, I don't know where
Tom is.
-What do you mean?
-I don't know where he is.
-Uh, he's not here.
-Your kidding me.
He's never been
late in eight years.
Um...
Okay, well you're gonna
have to run an old show.
The tape is in the vault,
Rouge and it's locked.
Shit.
Yeah, I got the keys. Um...
You...
You're gonna have
to cover the show.
-What?
-Yeah...
[sighs]
Look, we can't go to dead air,
we'll both lose our jobs.
It will just be for a couple
of minutes until Tom gets back.
Okay?
I'm not trained for this.
I don't care if you're
a fucking communist.
On the Tom Fleischman show
you are a conservative
republican. All right?
Just take a few calls,
let them talk.
Okay.
Hey.
Ethan. Ethan.
I have a problem.
What, what is the problem?
Tom didn't show, Rouge
wants me to cover the shift.
What's the problem?
You know I get tongue...
[stammering]
Tongue tied.
Neil, were your parents mimes?
All right, problem solved.
I'll do it.
I could use the paycheck anyway.
-No, I could use the paycheck.
-Rouge would fire me.
What about Sheila?
Well, Sheila was in a very bad
ice yoga accident.
She shattered her femur.
How can her karma fuck
my karma? That's not fair.
I'm rooting for you, buddy.
Feel good about you.
-Fuck! All right, you do it.
-That's what I thought.
Okay, but you have
to be a republican.
-Piece of cake.
-Totally gonna fuck this up,
aren't you?
-What are you talking about?
-Yeah, you're gonna
get me fired.
-No, am not.
-And arrested probably.
Your gonna say something and
it will offend a whole bunch
of people like Donald Trump.
You're out of control.
Let's do this.
[recorded voice] Get ready for
two hours with the mic
from the right,
the sage from Seattle,
Mr. Tom Fleischman.
Top of the morning, folks.
I'm Charles Fern.
Visiting from out of town,
missing my home where
my heart is.
And in the world,
there is a lot of things
in the world.
A lot of things
in the world are happening.
And lots going on right now.
Uh, and, and...
Actually right now, number
one album in America
today, guys,
is none other than gangster
rapper, Ridicule.
And I tell you what,
this album is an outrage.
It is an outrage, all right.
This thing is vulgar,
it is virulent
and at times it is vexing.
Let me read you
some of his "poetry."
"N-word what, N-word what,
N-word, please,
I got your p-word in my face
and my d-word up your sleeve."
I tell you what, this is enough.
I'm calling for a boycott.
Enough is enough
over here, folks.
Let's tell these people
what they really need to hear.
Let's send a message over
to Periscope records.
We're not gonna take it,
no, we're not gonna take it.
No, we're not gonna
take it anymore.
My producer Rasputin over
here is telling me that we have
some callers calling in.
Uh, Tiffany from Mount Rainer,
state your case please.
Hi. I totally agree with
everything that you are
saying, Charles.
My four year old boy called
his sister a "hoe" yesterday.
Whoa, a hoe. Wash that potty
mouth out with Pine Sol.
Yes, well we found out his
friends at school, they are
playing that rapper music.
Ah, Tiffany, well it's all part
of the coarsening of the society
by if it feels good,
let's mash it up and stuff
it into a syringe and just
stick it right up my urethra
liberal mentality.
I love your boycott idea.
Wow. You know what you are
a wonderful, wonderful
Republican MILF.
Mothers of Inspirational
Liberty and Freedom.
You're a fine MILF indeed.
Thank you, Tiffany.
Have a wonderful day.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
our country has been hijacked.
It has been overtaken
and overrun,
but, we will not let them
pull the wool over
our eyes anymore, will we?
No, we will not
get fooled again.
But, now a word
from our sponsor.
Glorious way to start your day,
a delectable assortment
of Doughglobe donut holes.
Tasty, tasty to stuff
your face-y, face-y.
Take the MO King exit off
the five and it's right there
on Hudson.
Tell him Fern sent ya.
[guitar music playing]
Think with the check and that,
you could definitely pitch in.
What?
Are you suggesting that we sell
my grandfather's Martin guitar?
Yeah.
I don't...
Do you know what this is?
I sure do. It's your only asset.
Honey, I am stepping up,
you just gotta give me some
more time.
How are you stepping up?
And how much more time?
All right, well I guess we
should be filming right now.
What? You're filming?
Yeah, I'm filming us.
Why are you filming us?
I was filming us
if we're breaking up.
Because it should be on tape.
We're not breaking up?
That's great. Oh, we're gonna
film our breakup now.
That's great.
Hey, everybody, hey, Adrienne
wants to film our breakup.
So, we're just gonna... you
wanna just send this to me?
Then we'll just post it?
No, we don't have
to call anybody.
We'll just send this and we'll
just post it to everybody.
Then that's how
they'll find out.
They'll find out and send it
to the whole world.
You see that face?
You see that face
of an asshole?
Oh, I am the asshole.
I am the asshole.
-Can't bug the system.
-Yeah.
Get a ticket.
Pay the ticket same day.
Save yourself a major headache.
Thanks, man.
You got a week before
it goes to auction.
Then your car becomes my car.
[sighs] Stupid boot.
Now let's head on over
to the vacuum concession stand.
Where for premium members
we're offering a thousand
signed copies
of my first ever children's
book, Who's got your back?
It's available now at
BobBernard.com.
And of course the usual
merchandise, The Vaccum
is sealed, t-shirts,
sweatpants and blazers
are only a mouse click away.
All righty folks, that's it
from me, I'm Bob Bernard
and until I see you again,
The Vacuum is Sealed.
Hey. Thanks for letting
me stay here, man.
Yeah, of course.
I'm sorry about that.
Yeah, well lock of shame.
It's a viscous cycle you know.
You get the lock of shame
because of unpaid parking
tickets, but then it just
creates more unpaid
parking tickets.
Well, everybody knows
the dice are loaded so...
Yeah.
So, what do you wanna do
for your birthday?
I don't know,
probably go cliff diving.
I know a place where
they drain the water.
You know what I mean?
Oh, check this out.
I found this hardcore
track by Ridicule.
He taught me to survive
The Harlem
Sometimes it's harder
Disguised in the dark
Look in the eyes of the
Snake singing
Inside the monster
To rise be divided
Conquer
If it's all about money
I don't respect your power
That's weak
They could prowl and devour
They cowards you ask me
Powers that be mistreat us
Mislead us
Thinking eventually
We gon' bite the hand
That feed us
Some of them
they tried to keep
all up and from them...
Hey, Julia.
Oh, hi.
Need a lift?
[laughs]
That's a joke.
Skateboard, joke, yeah.
Right, got it.
Where you headed?
Harborview hospital.
I'm a nurse, you know.
Cause the outfit
didn't give me away.
I gave blood once.
Which is...
I'm not saying that that's...
-Right.
-Comparing to what that is.
Sure, um, so I'm sorry,
what do you do anyway?
You're like a voice over person?
No, well, I run a radio show.
Called Ears Wide Shut.
-Wait, are you serious?
-Yeah.
I love that show. Yes,
I've been trying to figure out
where I knew your voice from.
That's crazy, yeah.
Feels terrific to see all
of you out here.
Standing up
to liberal hypocrisy.
Standing up to the bleeding
hearts, I am proud of each
and every one of you.
God, that guy is such a dick.
You know, he actually had
the audacity to call my Mom
roadkill that just won't die.
Really?
The nastier he gets,
the higher his ratings go.
Why don't you get a few more?
Give them to your kids,
get them involved.
That sucks.
Yeah.
I haven't been
in a hospital since birth.
[laughs]
That's...
[laughs] Um, I don't
know do you wanna come
in for a coffee, maybe?
-Sure, yeah.
-I can give you a tour.
It's pretty remarkable how
there are certain films
that actually connect
patients to their past.
That's pretty amazing,
how do you pick the films?
Well, we have thousands
of movies from Westerns
to Kabuki theater.
But, the ones that really hold
the audience's interest
are the love stories.
Okay.
Keep them shut.
-Okay.
-Okay, open.
No way, a parking permit.
This is amazing,
how did you get this?
I swapped a night shift with
Doctor Carl Murray.
What's the point of having
your BMW if you can't drive it.
This is really thoughtful,
Jefferson.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah this is my friend...
Ah, Jules, I am late for
a corroded artery.
-Nice guy.
-Yeah, he's great.
-Brilliant surgeon.
-Oh...
[piano music playing]
Yeah, so this is where
I get to go to work everyday.
This is really cool.
Yeah, it's part of this new
program where we're studying
the effects of old films
on Alzheimer's patients.
Amazing. What a novel idea.
[engine revs]
Doesn't matter
How hard yo try
Oh, how about
"Love is Like Oxygen"
by Sweet.
-Yeah, sure, why not.
-Great.
What about, um...
What about...
"Swept away" from The Very
Best of Yanni.
Sure, yeah, add it on there.
Okay, man, what's going on?
I've tried to get that song
past you before.
Did you get back together
with Adrienne again?
No, no, no.
I did meet a pretty cool
girl yesterday, though.
Susan Davis daughter.
-That's interesting.
-Yeah.
Her name is Julia.
She's a nurse at
Harborview hospital.
-Admirable.
-Yeah.
[cellphone ringing]
Gnarly Neil's hotline.
Hello, Neil?
No, guess again.
-You shitting dog,
you can put Neil on.
-Oh.
He's pissy, man.
It's Rouge.
-Hey, Rouge.
-Hey, Neil.
So, Tom had a massive stroke.
He can't even move his lips.
-No way.
-Way.
Poor guy. So, uh...
All channel is coming down
tomorrow and I'm not gonna
make it back till nightfall.
All channel is coming to the
station tomorrow?
Peter Dennon and company.
Big decisions have to be made.
And, um...
Really good job covering.
We got some really
good feedback.
Yeah, it wasn't me.
It was a guest from
next door.
-What?
-Some conservative guy
visiting.
Oh...
Okay, he can cover tomorrow,
right, we're paying.
I don't think so.
I think he went back
to his home.
No, dude, come on,
I could use the money.
Do it. What are you doing?
Okay, I think I can get him
for tomorrow but after
that he leaves forever.
Good, good,
and remember we got
the Ann Alcott interview.
Shit.
[playing "Happy Birthday"]
Wow, wow, that was...
[claps]
Jeez, that was fantastic, wow.
Thank you so much.
Happy birthday to us, right?
Happy birthday, Seattle.
That's Ears Wide Shut, 87.9.
We gotta go.
You got everything?
What is this? This is great.
We're gonna do this.
-They're Dockers?
-They don't wrinkle.
They don't zip?
Proper. I pop. I pop.
Well, you look like one of them.
I know.
What are you talking about?
Hey, Mary Sue. Hi, how are you?
What have we got going on here?
It's performance art.
Yeah, this is a character
for our show.
This is your Lois Lane moment
where you get to be sworn
together in secrecy.
Well, I love the fact
that there are true
performers in this building.
I won't your be
your Kryptonite.
-Okay.
-Oh, oh, happy birthday.
It's Scott Brooke's greatest
hits on vinyl.
I gotta get the tapes,
I'll meet you in there.
He's gotta get the tapes,
so, we'll meet you.
So, tell me Charles,
where you from?
Great question, actually it's
upstate Maine, in the,
the Maine region,
it's a part
of the Maine area.
I didn't realize Maine was big
enough to have an upstate.
[laughing]
Well, it's upstate enough
to know we're not
Canadians, Peter.
You know what I'm saying?
[laughing]
He got it, he got it,
he figured it out.
Oh, look it's our tardy
producer, Rasputin.
Rasputin say hello to Peter
and Ryan from All channel.
-Nice to meet you.
-Ryan.
I'm sorry, we gotta start.
I'm sorry.
Well, good luck to you,
young man.
-Sure.
-Show me your magic.
I'll be up here listening.
-Great, thanks Peter.
-You got it.
All right.
[recorded voice] Get ready for
two hours with the mic
on the right,
the sage from Seattle,
Mr. Tom Fleischman.
Hello, and welcome fellow
Seattlites, I'm Charles Fern,
your humble guest host,
and I'll tell you what, wow,
we have a great show today.
And I am amped after my third
cup of Doughglobes coffee
that blends symphonically
with this buttermilk
Doughglobe that you can
get down off the five
on Hudson.
It's called Doughglobes, folks,
tell them Fern sent ya.
Magnifico, anyway with us
in the second segment is
renowned commentator Ann Alcott.
But first, some election news.
Wow, and I tell you what
the papers are hot today.
Today's Seattle Post has
governor Sollow up
by six points.
But, this is not good
news for the governor.
This left leading Kool Aid
drinking whore-mongers,
marshaled their forces
again and what say
you Seattle?
Let's take a call here
and discuss.
We have a caller here.
Rasputin, is there
someone on the line?
Do you wanna speak
into the microphone?
The folks at home think
you are some kind of a ghost.
The phone lines
are all blinking, Sir Charles.
Caller state your case
and make it snappy,
krackerjackie.
Yeah, I'm Ron and I just,
I really wanna say that I
really like Susan Davis.
Oh, yeah, isn't she wonderful?
Wow. Yeah, she is kind
of likable.
If you're smoking a three
foot bronze bong,
you mangy hippie.
I resent that.
Well, you resemble it, Ron.
You're just another yellow
belly, taxes spending,
cut and run
toking, smoking,
midnight coking,
porn making liberal
is what you are.
I don't make porn.
I watch it.
Well, schlemiel schlimazel,
Ron, you can't hate the sin
and love the sinner,
can we baby,
that's masturabitorial,
self-aggrandizement that
you lefties
love to wax on about.
Let's have a moment
of honesty here, Ron.
All your huffing and puffing
has caught up with you,
you are in a perpetual
John Holm sized hangover,
you've got your gerbaise
of the dark side of your
Luna, comprehende?
That's not fair.
Oh, it's not fair, Ron?
Is it not fair?
Well, listen you are
a trembling,
simpering puss puss.
Well, woof-woof, prune juice.
It's time to take a cold
dark look at the mouse
in the mirror, baby.
[crying]
Is that a cry?
Are you crying?
Is he crying?
Are you a baby
man crying, Ronnie?
Are you crying, Ronnie?
Do we have any Kleenex for
Ron, guys?
Can we get a runner out?
Rasputin, do you wanna send
a runner out to
get some Kleenex?
[laughing]
You want a little pillow?
You want a little blanket, Ron?
[laughing]
Yeah, you're right.
My life is a fucking mess.
I split with my wife.
The bank will
foreclose my house.
[sniffing]
Well, Ron, I'll tell you what.
You have just been fernatized.
You have been fernatized, Ron.
Yes, Ron, take a deep breath
and smell the fresh chlorine
scented Republican air.
We're talking about Ann Alcott's
new book
A Brief History of Liars
From Hitler to Hilary.
I mean in a word,
amazing balls.
I'm glad you liked it.
Eleventh week as New York
Times bestseller list.
Your such a wunderbar writer.
I mean your pros so turgid,
your arguments so cleft.
And with a francophile
sense of language,
coupled with a healthy disdain
for French culture and their
people in general.
I mean this is just,
this is wonderful.
I should have had you write
my back cover, Charles.
Well, I'll be your back door
man anytime, Ann.
Such a lovely American.
You're great.
And, to my listeners,
listen I am so touched
by your support.
Grateful for your perspicacity.
I'm Charles Fern, ferning off.
You have something
really special here, Peter.
I think you are right, Ann.
You did a pretty good job,
today, Charles.
Oh, well, don't josher
josher, Peter Piper.
I have never known Peter
to josh, Fern.
You are a real talent.
Gosh, well, thank you,
that's very touching.
-That's lovely.
-Tell us, Mr. Fern.
-What are your future plans?
-My plans are plains.
I unfortunately have to swish
on back to Maine tomorrow.
Hmm...
Well, I have a better idea.
Why don't we all go to dinner?
Yes, we can't let Charles swish
back to Maine without dinner.
Well...
-I do like to nibble.
-All right, it's settled.
And, I know just the spot.
[phone line ringing]
-Hello?
-Hey, Neil, what's up?
How are you?
Oh, hey Adrienne, uh...
Hey, can you
put Ethan on, please?
Yeah, Ethan is not here.
Don't be a spineless, cowardly
liar like your roommate,
put him on, please?
-Hi, Adrienne.
-I just wanted to see what you
were doing for your birthday.
Oh, well I'm actually
gonna be playing
my air guitar now cause
my real guitar was stolen.
I have your guitar because it
was collateral for promises
that you made to me.
Why don't you come by tomorrow
and give me my guitar back
as my birthday present?
How about that?
Yeah, well, happy
birthday to you.
You can turn your phone
back on.
So, we've been talking.
And we've decided that we're
gonna make the Tom Fleischman
show, your show.
Now, think about this.
The Charles Fern show.
To be heard all over
the state of Washington.
Wow, well, what an honor,
Mr. Peter, thank you.
And yes, it is an honor
because if you do well here,
we're gonna take you national.
Wow, that's really tempting.
But, I've gotta, like I said,
I've gotta head home,
my pine tree farm
is ripe for syruping.
-But, I am really
excited about...
-Charlie, Charlie...
You're gonna be able to buy
all the Aunt Jemima you want.
Yes, and that's just
pancake batter.
If we take you national,
you're gonna get a starting
bonus of six figures.
And get to re-negotiate
your salary.
How does that sound, huh?
Well?
Well, I guess, that's,
that's, that is...
That is an offer that
Charles Fern cannot refuse.
Okay, that sounds...
Looks like everyone is here
and table is ready guys.
-Okay.
-Charles...
Welcome to the All
channel family.
Okay.
Ann tells me your quite
the talent, Charles, so where
are you from in Maine?
Oh, well, about a 100 miles
north of the Canadian border.
-North?
-South of our side.
Little bit of heaven from
your home state, huh?
Well, I have been craving a nice
piece of tail, Peter.
Well, I'm an Iowian and like
a Mainer, we know what a hard
day's work consists of.
Unlike Susan Davis, who wants
to give needles to the junkies.
And subsidize
drug rehabilitation.
Well, I think they should
buy their own drugs.
Could I have a Shirley temple
with some Jack Daniels in there?
Coming right up.
I'm getting us some olive oil.
Olive oil, are you serious,
madam?
It's my wife's first time.
She's a stylist.
We'll let it pass.
We'll let it pass.
I'm the reason why Ryan
looks so well put together.
So, Charles, can you show
me how a native would
eat this bird.
Right, well that's...
We have our customs
and where I come from,
it's very customary to use
your hand, so you just,
you pick her up.
[all exclaiming]
[stammering]
I guess this is how
we get to know each other.
-Indeed.
-Young man.
We have a little surprise
for you.
You get to interview
the great governor.
That's splendid.
Splendid indeed.
Indeed.
Ooh...
[humming]
[slow rock music playing]
[all] Surprise!
-Hey, guys.
-Hi!
Happy birthday!
I didn't have anything
to do with that.
All right, see you guys.
Woo.
Hey, guys.
Oh, my gosh. Look at how
pregnant you are.
I know, I'm huge.
Trevor was telling me about
the misadventures
of lamaze class.
So, Trevor and I are the only
ones in the group that can't
breathe in unison.
Well, I mean here is your free
education right here.
Julia is a nurse
and Jefferson is a doctor.
Cardiothoracic surgeon.
Nice to meet you both.
And I deal with heavy
breathing all the time.
You do?
Cool. How do you guys all
know each other?
Well, Ethan was actually
hired by my mother to do
a voice over.
Oh, who is your mother?
She is, um, Susan Davies.
-Our next governor.
-I am totally voting
for your mom.
You know if you need
any volunteers? Let me know.
I was also actually thinking
about volunteering.
That would be great.
We can use all the help
we can get.
So, thank you Ethan.
I was actually born
on the Gram Parsons tour bus.
Wow, your mom must
have been a big Gram Parsons
fan.
Yeah, you could say so.
Your show is it on AM or FM?
Uh, FM. 87.9 Seattle's finest.
Yeah.
Way down on the left
side of the dial.
-Yeah.
-It's hard to get in.
It's hard to get in
when you have a small
tiny receiver.
[laughing]
In my next life when I am
not saving lives, I am gonna
be a rock and roll DJ.
[laughs]
-Cool.
-Great.
[doorbell rings]
Good luck.
Talk to you in a second.
Neil.
-Its Jack with honor.
-Rouge?
Hey, what, are you
having a party?
Yeah.
-Birthday?
-Yeah.
Did you bring me some antlers
fresh from the kill?
Them antlers is mine.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
Well, hey, now you
got something to mount.
Neil, we need to talk.
What do you need to talk
to Neil about?
Holy shit. What is this?
A Turkish drug den?
Who put a stick up his ass?
Cindy, Steve,
let's take this outside.
-You all right, buddy?
-Yeah.
This is exactly how an innocent
marine fails a piss test.
Neil...
I got another call
from All channel.
About this Charles Fern.
Really?
Yeah, they said he's the new
voice of conservative talk
radio.
Who is this guy?
Yeah, Neil where did you
find the Michael Jordan
of chitchat?
He was a guest next door,
I don't know his life story.
Really? What's his number?
Well, you know, unfortunately
Rouge, he's gone.
He went back to Maine.
Ryan Pollard said that
they just hired him.
Really?
Mr. Holmes. Charles Fern
at your service.
Pleasure to make
your acquaintance.
[laughing]
-Howdy-doody.
-How do I look?
Wait a minute.
Tuna jerky here
is not Charles Fern.
You've just been fernatized.
[laughing]
Is this some kind of hoax?
You're not gonna keep
doing Tom's show.
What do you mean?
It's not a show anymore,
it's my show now.
You're not even from Maine.
Well, I attended a pottery
camp there one summer.
No, I'm not gonna just stand
here, while you fool everybody,
while Tom lays
paralyzed in a hospital bed.
Suit yourself, Crisco,
but Charles Fern
is a tribute to Tom, you know?
I'm elevating his message
to a higher level.
But, your not a conservative
on any level.
The new voice
of the right, right?
So, if you want to keep your
job, you better get
with the program.
If you try to get me fired,
we all get fired.
No, this can't be happening.
This is a bad dream.
Oh, man, that would be
weird, if we were all
having the same dream.
-Who goes there?
-Hey, it's Julia.
I'm looking for Ethan.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-What's going on?
-Nice jacket.
[laughs] Oh...
Sorry, we were just...
We were just catching up.
Jefferson got a page and had
to go back to the hospital,
so...
Yeah, I might take off
in a minute.
Can you just stay for a little
bit? Just stay for a little bit,
come on?
I'll get you home by
midnight, I promise.
Yeah, I guess I could stay
a little longer.
Okay, I'll be right out.
-Okay.
-Promise. I'll see you soon.
The nut is in your sack.
Got my daughter's student
loans to pay back.
The house is upside down.
What do you say, Rouge?
I guess the show must go on.
There you go. Right on, Reagan.
Come on, baby.
Let's get you a drink
and celebrate, huh?
Hey, I could use another drink.
Let's get him a drink.
It's really good to be home.
Yeah, sometimes I forget
how good we have it here.
Yeah, sometimes I think
we have it too good.
What does that mean?
You know all the sacrifices
we make to...
Get the things we think
we deserve,
you know, it's kind of
like that old commercial,
what would you do for
a Klondike bar?
[laughs] Yeah.
A Klondike bar.
Yeah, I kind of got some
bad news today though.
Really? What happened?
The hospital decided
to cut the funding
for the Alzheimer's theater.
Really? Why?
They decided to build a hair
restoration clinic.
Mmm...
Thick hair for thick people.
Pretty much.
I'm gonna ask my mom
for some help but,
they're gonna transfer
me to the pediatric ward.
That's really a shame.
It is.
Don't you have a girlfriend?
No. That's all over now.
I'm still not gonna
kiss you tonight.
Well, it's my birthday.
I mean...
But, that would mean
everything we just talked
about was small talk.
And, I don't really like the
way that makes me feel.
Well, we can kiss and talk
at the same time.
Stop your slobbering.
I'm just trying to kill
two birds with one stone.
Not tonight.
-But, happy birthday.
-Thanks.
My car is just
right there, so...
-I'm gonna take off.
-Okay.
Be safe.
-Goodnight, Ethan.
-Goodnight.
We'll haul a Tribune.
There you are.
We'll get you right in.
That takes care of both of
us, right?
See what did I tell you?
Okay, I just...
I always look out for you.
-Because remember in January...
-That was one time.
Yeah, but I got left outside.
I'm just trying to make
it really nice.
That's just not gonna work
for us today, okay.
We're gonna have to push.
Tell him I'll call him back.
Ready? We got a tight
day ahead of us.
Oh, yeah, absolutely ready.
The Charles Fern show.
All channel. ALL.
Yup, I got you right here.
-Okay, that should be that.
-You ever been fernatized?
If you don't mind I wanted
to show you some images
and get some impressions.
So, basically right here
we have Michael Ray Vallus.
It's a seven year old boy
who found his dad's gun
in the spring after you vetoed
the mandatory child locks.
That is indeed a tragedy.
Well, of course it is.
I don't suppose this
is a sneak attack.
And you probably don't
write for the Trib.
That's it, interview
is over, come on.
No, wait, you have nothing
to say about that.
Sure, I do, if you wanna have
an intelligent conversation
about gun laws, yeah.
Okay.
I did want to give you
this, this is from
his mother.
This is the hat that he
wore when he shot himself.
And she actually wanted
you to have it.
-Here you go.
-Okay.
That's enough. Enough, enough.
Come on.
You too, let's go.
Come on.
We'll just come back.
Have a nice day.
I'm sure, we'll be welcome.
Sorry about that.
Next interview is here.
It's a talk show host.
Charles Fern.
All right we're live in five,
four, three, two, one.
[recorded voice] Get ready
for two hours with the
mic from the right,
the messenger from Maine,
Mr. Charles Fern.
And this is the
Charles Fern show.
We're here live at the
governor's mansion
with governor Sollow himself,
governor what a blast.
So, good to have you here
Charles, I'm a huge fan.
How do we get our country
back to those foundation
republican principles?
I'm talking pre-maternity
leave, pre-bra burning.
You know the people
know what they know,
Charles, and once you get
outside of those
coffee houses of Seattle
I think you'll find most
of the people share our view
for a compassionate,
conservative,Washington state.
A lot of whore houses
are going on inside
of coffee shops these days.
-It's gotten out of hand.
-Another question?
The next question also Governor
now I'm gonna go right into
a hard question here.
Are there any republican bands
that do not suck?
What do you mean?
The left has Radiohead,
it's got Elton John,
you got Neil Young.
And in the right,
we're talking what,
Toby Keith and Ted Nugent.
We're really getting
crushed here
in the creative trenches.
-I see.. I get your point.
-Yeah.
I don't know, we don't
have an answer for that.
But, we do need a theme song.
You know Susan Davis already
has one.
"Looks like we made it",
Barry Manilow.
That's a Manilow hanging fruit.
Well, you got any suggestions?
Yeah, have you heard
of an old goth rock band
called Cat Rapes Dog?
Well, a bit too obscure.
What about Pink Houses
by John Mellencamp?
That's a good song.
That's subtle.
Isn't Mellencamp a democrat?
No, Mellencamp is more
of a independent.
When is the tour?
Are we gonna have a tour?
An official...
well?
I'll tell you what,
we'll do better than that.
We'll take you hunting.
All right, it's a beautiful
day, we got 500 acres
to roll, and...
You boys are gonna catch lunch.
-You bag her in Africa?
-Oh, no.
That was in Vegas.
Vegas?
-During one of the shows?
-Oh, please. After.
[GUN SHOT]
[groaning]
First shot of the season.
-It's a custom in Maine.
-Yeah, reload.
-I wanna see that again.
-Thank you.
Charles is more
of a semi-automatic kind
of guy. Precision tactical.
They never look like James Bond
They always look like this guy.
-Don't they?
-Exactly.
You know I grew up in Maine.
-Did you?
-Yeah.
Out there we hunt
moose with a machine gun.
Well, that doesn't sound
very sporting. Does it,
Charles?
Well, in Maine, you know
it's...
It's overrun right now
with moose.
But, you just get out
there and you go...
They got a whole flock.
-Good times?
-It's good times, yeah.
It sure is,
you know governor...
I'm getting over this,
it's a bout of this bird flu,
actually which has been
it is just plaguing
the land in Maine right now.
It's really wild, but I would,
I don't know if hunting
pheasant is really
in the doctor's orders.
Mmm-hmm. You rest your voice.
I'm gonna need you,
top shape for this election.
-Thank you governor.
-Thank you governor.
For your time.
And now a word from
our sponsor, glorious way
to start your day,
delectable and delightful
Doughglobe donut holes.
You can get it down
off the five in Hudson.
It's called Doughglobes,
folks, tell them Fern sent you.
Bought a house
And a second car
As my knuckles worked
The recess of the jar
Almonds in her eyes
I bet she's wandering around
That's my old love
Yeah I'm hip to the scene
and the score
It all went down before
360 degrees
Okay, we have our
winners in the studio.
Now what do you say
to three tickets to country
town radio's hometown hoedown.
We love the hoedown.
The hoedown is awesome.
So, who's he?
That guy?
He invented the donut hole.
What do you say we throw in
two dozen of these Doughglobes
with your tickets?
-Yummy.
-Thank you.
-Your welcome.
-Make sure you share
with Daddy.
I will.
I tell ya it's not the right
to bare feet, or, to bare naked
ladies,
it's the right to bear arms.
Our founding fathers
were packing heat.
It should be illegal not
to own a gun, don't you think?
You gotta dig
the founding wigs.
I'm curious to know what
do you think about building a
fence along our border, Charles?
Terrific idea. I'm also
proposing a reptilian moat
with steeples and turrets.
There is nothing like
staring down the barrel
of a canon to keep
the huddled masses huddled,
are you with me Jennifer?
You are using your air time
to whip up xenophobia.
Well, most of our listeners
are two syllable crowd,
okay, calm it down.
Most of your listeners
are small minded bigots.
And, you are their leader.
It's shameful.
I can't defend everyone
who listens to the show,
that would require
me to be omnipotent.
Which you a likely atheist
would not understand.
And yes, probably the AM crowd
has a couple of borderline
personality types
sitting alone in a dark house
eating TV dinners for breakfast
every morning.
And that would make anyone
a little paranoid,
don't you think?
I tell you what,
if they are a gun owner,
all bets are off.
But, if you think I'm gonna
let you sit here and attack
my maladjusted listeners
you are sorely mistaken.
[laughing]
Thank you for the call.
And now a little
sponsorship talk.
I'm talking about a little
place called Doughglobes.
Charles, I just got off
the phone with Peter Dennon
and All channel loves you.
All you need is love, Ryan.
-Charles Fern.
-Whose asking?
We're his official MILF
fan club.
We've been fernitized.
I need a selfie.
Well, okay, yeah,
get in there, okay.
Thank you for listening.
It's lovely to see such
lovely fans.
Thank you, thank you.
-Oh, that's good.
-Bye bye now.
All right, thank you.
-That was cool.
-Yeah, right?
[chattering]
Hi, I'd like to urge you
to vote for Susan Davis
on November 2nd.
[overlapping chatter]
Amazing, I really appreciate
your time and support.
Thank you.
Hold this photo
for the bio
in the front page.
Un-fucking-believable.
I mean, honey, I'm willing
to match funding, but,
quarter of a million dollars
that's a lot of money for me
right now with the campaign.
Well, I mean we're already
off to a big start.
But, I honestly think it is
gonna help your campaign.
I mean just imagine,
Susan Davis asks
all of Seattle to match
her gift
to the Alzheimer's wing.
That's very generous of you.
Lucky for me the stock
market in this country
mostly goes up.
Is that how you got
successful, from the
stock market?
When I was young,
I saved my money.
I bought this commercial
real estate property and
renovated it, sold it.
And I took the profits
and put it in the market.
So, my first deal was
a winning deal and that
set me in motion.
I've done that about
a 100 times over now.
I think that's how you
get wealthy in America.
It's just this sort
of specialized duplication.
Yes, and of course you
have to have the education
and resources.
I mean my mother here,
she's an attorney and
an MBA.
Wow, swish, that's cool.
So, fucking All channel has
syndicated this hawk Charles
Fern throughout the whole state.
-I mean where did this guy
come from?
-Who is this guy?
He's a replacement for
Tom Fleischman.
You heard about that show?
No.
Oh, it's a horrible show.
I don't think anyone
listens to that quack.
Oh, yeah they do
and the kid is a star.
His listeners hold on
to his every word like
it's Gospel.
He called you a lesbian
sympathizer.
Wait, what does that even mean?
It means your mom
isn't against gay marriage.
Well, yeah I mean your not.
Isn't that law.
Right. But, we don't want
to get dragged into those
trenches.
I've been listening to that
scumbag all morning.
-Ethan?
-What?
Why are you here?
Oh, I'm just volunteering.
Helping out with the phones.
Well, no one gives better
phone than you do.
Look, Adrienne I want you
to find every weed out
of this fucking Fern.
-Done.
-Look, all I am saying is
that it is no coincidence
this guy is out here now.
I mean all those guys are
Bible thumpers at All Channel.
They imported this nutter
butter from Maine.
I need you to get him out.
-You'll see. Bye guys.
-Great.
Prelim figures from indicate
ratings for the fall book
are gonna be very strong.
I've never seen so many e-mails.
Mmm-hmm. And guess what?
I got the go ahead from Peter.
We're sending the Charles Fern
show on the road
following Sollow for the last
stretch of the election.
-On the road?
-Uh-huh.
Your boy is a phenom.
Well, this is my special place
for special people.
You are hereby sworn to secrecy.
I will take an oath of silence.
This is so beautiful.
[sighs] I don't know Julia,
I am just not who I appear
to be.
Are you in the closet?
Yeah. Are you in the closet?
No, but, I don't know...
I'm working for this other
radio station,
to make money on the side.
Okay so what?
You're playing music you don't
believe in, or, something?
Yeah, I'm playing music
I don't believe in.
I don't even know...
What I believe in right now.
You know I'm just...
I think you know
who to believe in.
That's why you feel
the way you do.
It's a conundrum.
Whatever problems you think
you have, Ethan, they
are manageable.
You are right,
you are absolutely right, Julia.
Last week Seattle's radio
personality Charles Fern
began a simple boycott
of Ridicule's music.
Tonight we join that boycott.
Here at the Vacuum
with our millions of cleaners
around the world,
we want to send a clear message
to those at Periscope records.
While we will never legislate
corporate ethics,
we will only support products
that reflect our values.
Thanks very much everybody.
I'm Bob Bernard, that's it
from me for today.
We'll see you tomorrow
and until the the vacuum
is sealed.
Wow.
The Charles Fern show is having
a cultural effect.
Guys, listen I am done
with Charles Fern.
What are you talking about?
I just can't do this anymore.
This is ridiculous.
Hey, don't start with
the sorry Charlie bullshit.
We're on a roll.
You can't quit now.
Look I'm seeing Ann Alcott
tonight and I' gonna get
liquored up
and I'll just tell her
that I am a fraud.
No, no, this is fucking insane.
You, hey, Ethan.
You have a gift.
You are gifted.
-And this is your destiny.
-My destiny?
Hi. Hello, Ethan.
-Hi, Adrienne.
-So I head you started seeing
Julia Davis.
Okay.
I thought I'd be the first
to tell you that I am seeing
Woodrow.
-Your cameraman?
-No, cinematographer.
Well, I'm very happy
for you guys.
He's very, very, very caring.
And he's got something
you don't.
Integrity.
So, Neil do you know that
you work for a fascista?
-What?
-Charles Fern, that's what.
And I am here to get
the straight poop,
because there is no one
in Maine with that name.
Well, maybe it's a stage name.
Like Liberace, or, Mitt Romney.
Exactly.
And I think I found the
real Mccoy.
Charles Fernando.
Does that look like him?
You know the more I gaze,
yeah.
-Mexican dude.
-Fernando, yeah.
So, your boss is into
some really serious shit.
-Cocaine, hookers.
-Charles Fern is doing
cocaine?
No, Charles Fern is doing
hookers and selling cocaine.
So where do I find this Fern?
-I don't know, he's reclusive.
-Oh, is he? Well, I'll find him.
I'll find him faster than you
can say Osama Bin Laden.
Bye guys. Thank you.
Now, I outlined in
my new number one
New York times bestseller,
A brief history of liars
from Hitler to Hillary,
the methodology
in which
the liberal establishment
has invaded academia.
The truth is liberals
hate science.
They believe that humans
are equivalent to rodents.
Well, I am here to tell you
that American students
deserve more than
evolutionary dogma.
[applause]
But, Washington,
there is good news.
We have a new voice in town.
A fresh voice.
A voice that many of us believe
is going to lead our
party into greatness.
So, please with a very warm
welcome,
welcome Charles Fern.
[applause]
Gosh, you look gorgeous.
Isn't she gorgeous?
[students whistling]
Wow, what a good book, huh?
What a good read.
Pick it up.
Pick it up.
-And what a gorgeous
group of humans.
-Yes.
Gorgeous humans.
Well, listen, I've prepared
a little something.
They'll spit and spat.
They'll tell their tale.
Call Daddy chimp
and mommy whale.
They'll chirp and chime
and make their claim.
Mold of man is whence we came.
But, evolutionists be damned.
We're more than beasts,
by god, we're man.
And Darwin is a proven fool.
His theory merely cock
and bull.
[laughter]
So, free your body,
free your mind.
Embrace intelligent design.
[applause]
[cheering]
You know Ann there is
something very serious
I want to talk to you about.
Anything for you, Charles.
Essential oils,
I couldn't believe it.
Why don't we sit down first?
Can we sit over there,
actually?
Ricardo. Thank you.
Thank you.
I love this place.
Oh, yes, it's such a wonderful
place, I'm really
glad you picked it.
This has honestly been such
a lovely evening. Thank you for
an amazing dinner, Jefferson.
I'm so happy to have you back.
I missed you like crazy.
I missed you too.
Buonasera.
Hello, your Merlot,
Miss Alcott?
Yes, thank you, Phillipe.
And for the gentleman
in the fabulous jacket?
[laughs] Thank you.
You're so kind.
I'll have a Shirley Temple
with Jack Daniels please.
An excellent choice.
So, Charles, do you live
in a house or an
apartment in Maine.
Well, that's funny you ask...
It's actually a log cabin that
my grandfather built
with a pick ax and a hammer.
He built it all himself?
Well, he had the help of
a couple of small Chinese
railroad workers as well.
It's on the lake.
It's quite lovely.
Sounds stunning.
Like a Thomas Kinkade painting.
[both laughing]
Well, it is very Kinkadian.
Come on, Jules, I wanna
see the sights.
I suppose you've earned
a trip to my special place
but, you promise to behave
yourself.
Of course, no one denies
the man with the magic hands.
[laughing] Okay, come on,
let's go.
And for the beautiful lady,
the merlow.
And for the gentleman.
Your Shirley temple.
With Jack Daniels, like it?
-I'll give you a few minutes
with the menu.
-Thank you.
Well, to you Ann, a rare woman
of beauty, grace and integrity.
Thank you, Charles.
I want you to know Charles
that whatever it is,
you have it and it needs
to be shared with the world.
I think you are one
of the coolest people
I have ever met.
You are just the woman of
your word and that is rare.
I feel the same about you.
No, I am a student
and you are a professor.
Well, I am older.
But, you are very beautiful.
[chuckles]
I had a wonderful time
tonight, Charles.
Thank you.
Susan Davis lives in a glass
house enclosed in an
ivory tower
in the center
of emerald city.
All right, I have had enough
of that one, can you imagine
what kind of
girlfriend you would
make if you were raised
by that woman?
Tell you what, huh?
Well, anyway listen,
we're all very excited
on the fernization tour.
I'm Charles Fern.
Stay wealthy Washington.
Hey, Ethan, your ex
is at the door, she's got
a cameraman with her.
-Adrienne and Woody?
-Yeah, yeah.
Put on some of the meditation
music or something? You have
any of that?
Put on some... Do some
instruction video or something
like that.
-What?
-Stretch.
Deeper down, going
south, going south.
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Rouge, I really actually...
I'm sick of that... I like the
choice of the Jeans, because,
It probably keeps your
inner thighs pretty warm.
What are you guys doing here?
This is the Charles Fern show.
Oh, no, not anymore
actually, that's over.
We use this space
for post show yoga.
You guys are really welcome
to join us in some yoga motion.
Actually we're good.
Cause Woody stretched
me out this morning.
Show him.
Wow, that's some details.
Actually I have something
for you. This is a check.
You can just call that
a peace offering.
Where did you get this money?
Doughglobes is picking up.
Fried food for fat people.
When this check clears
I'll give you back your
precious guitar.
Okay.
All right guys, going back
to going farther south
down.
Neil, you gotta watch
Ears wide shut while
we're gone.
Me, I'm going on the road
with you guys.
No, you're not.
Ears wide shut cannot
fall apart. Do you understand
what this is?
Dude, there's no way.
I'm not a public speaker.
There's no public.
What if I get sick
and I lose my voice?
-And, I just can't...
-Neil...
Buck the fuck up.
Just buck up.
-Buck up.
-I don't even know what
that is.
What is buck?
All we are saying
Is give guns a chance
[cheering and applause]
It is my honor to introduce
to you the governor
Richard Dick Sollow.
[cheering and applause]
[chanting] We want Dick!
We want Dick!
We want Dick!
We want Dick!
We want Dick!
We want Dick!
[cheering and applause]
[marching band playing]
Thank you.
I love you more.
[cheering and applause]
Charles, we can't argue with
a rally like that.
That crowd was speaking.
And his message
is really resonating.
Resonating indeed.
Yeah, that's true.
I just gotta thank the team.
For the hard work
they are doing. And,
in particular, you have
really electrified this race
Charles, thank you.
Exactly, we're a great team,
Charles.
This week with the governor,
Charles has exceeded all
expectations.
We just analyzed a cross
section of polling data,
we are trending up, up, up.
Well, he's the man.
[laughter]
Charles Fern I'd like
to talk to you about
your past record.
What are you talking about?
What am I talking about?
Charles Fern aka Charles
Fernando,
was convicted of selling
a controlled substance in
1990...
Ethan?
Whoa, hey, hey.
No, Senora, no, s enora.
-Shit.
-Oh, god, sorry.
Charles, see I've been
trying to quit smoking
and I am having hell of a time.
And I have a date tonight.
-Care for a patch, Charles?
-No, I'm fine.
How about some vertigo lift?
I'm right as rain,
good as wood so...
Listen let's keep this
between ourselves okay.
Listen, your secret
is safe with me.
You're a terrific kid.
Close the door.
It's the longest road
I've ever been on.
It's a Long drive.
[sighs]
Just call her.
-I'm gonna call her.
-Mmm hmm.
[cellphone ringing]
-Hey.
-Hey, Julia.
Ethan, where have you been?
I've been worried sick.
I left you like
a dozen messages.
I got the message so to speak.
Look, why didn't you tell
me you were dating
Jefferson?
What are you talking about?
I went to the brewery
on Tuesday night.
I know what's going on.
Brewery? Oh, god no.
Jefferson is just my friend.
Oh, just a friend huh?
Well, did your friend's magic
hands get down your
magic pants?
Hey, he's a cardiothoracic
surgeon, that's a joke.
Just come clean.
I know you took him
to your special place.
Your magical make out
mountain.
Okay, you have your facts
way wrong.
What are my facts then
Jackie O nasty?
I know you are not speaking
to me like that.
And just so you know,
my special place,
is the name of the pediatric
ward in the hospital.
If you don't believe me,
give him a call.
I'm such an idiot.
Look, I know that Jefferson
likes me but he hasn't
crossed any boundaries.
And, I would never mess with
your mind like that.
I'm sorry, that was just...
I gotta get back to work
but call me later?
Okay.
Bye.
Uh-oh.
America, America
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good
With brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
Ah...
It is getting late,
I'll walk you to your room.
This could ruin my career.
So...
[clears throat]
Here's my room.
Would you like to come
in for a drink?
Uh, well...
I don't think...
I'm tired.
Charles Fern?
Or should I say Ethan Smith?
Your just a lefty nutbag.
Oh, your just a right wing
cock puppet.
Isn't there a terrorist
you should be mating with?
Isn't there an abortion
clinic you should
bomb, bitch?
Charles, let's go.
Not till I am done.
Adrian!
Adrian!
Pay no attention to her,
Charles.
Thank you, I'm sorry you
had to deal with that.
Wow. You have your own doll.
You sell a lot of these?
Yes, some for novelty,
some for craftsmanship.
-They are really lovely.
-Thank you.
Your like the republican
Madonna.
Only I am not like a virgin,
I...
I am a virgin.
What?
I've been waiting to meet
a man who I could give
my body to.
Someone who I could
share my views and
my values with.
Take me, Charles.
[moaning]
Oh, my gosh, Ann.
Ann. Listen, there is something
I need to apologize for.
Listen, there is something
I need to tell you.
I have to apologize
for something.
That night I kissed you
at your car, it was a mistake.
I guess I am too old for you.
No, it's not that,
I love old women,
it's just that there is someone
else I am betraying.
Don't tell me you are married
to somebody else in Maine.
Yes.
[laughs]
That's exactly it.
I am married to
someone in Maine.
[grunting]
You are destroying her life.
She made a commitment
to you,
God and man, and Marriage...
And you...
were playing with my heart.
It's not like that.
It's not like that.
Ann, I'm married to a man.
What?
Yes, it's a little bit weird
to talk about.
But, I met this
fly and tackle hand
who helped me haul some wood
to my cabin in Maine, and...
Well, we were in close quarters
during a very violent tornado.
And after the sun rose...
We drove all the way to Rowan
County and that's where
we tied the knot.
So are you for gay marriage?
Yes.
Yeah, that's a deal breaker.
Traitor. He's going down.
You know...
I always thought there
was something off
about that guy.
Look...
-I'm going
to the weekly with this.
-No, no, no.
This is a national story.
We are the next Woodward
and fucking Bernstein.
My old college roommate,
I gave him a ring
he's now a producer
on the vacuum.
And he said that Bob Bernard
is dying to see our footage.
-Send it.
-Okay.
-What? Now.
-Okay, done.
Done.
Live music with no auto tune
and no quick track.
Maybe I should've tried
More than I figured all
Maybe I should've left
Before we ever met
It don't matter now
The end of the World is
The beginning of everything
Neil Hornback
for Ears Wide Shut signing off.
Nice work, man. You did it.
Was it as good as you?
All right.
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
There he is.
Your show is a monster.
You are a hit throughout
Washington and we are gonna
take you nationwide.
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Excuse me, I need a moment
alone with Charles.
Thank you. Now, thank you.
Thank you.
I'll step over here.
Wow.
We have already signed this.
And as soon as you do,
you will get your
300,000 dollar advance.
And we're gonna take you coast
to coast.
Congratulations, my boy.
-Hey, bud, how you doing?
-I'm good.
This is going
national tomorrow.
Yeah, you know what you did.
-What is this?
-Ethan.
Come on, if you have anything
to say for yourself, now
is your opportunity. Go.
Okay, listen I will talk
to you off camera, but you
will have to get rid
off the paparazzi.
Listen, I am not paparazzi.
I am a cinematographer,
you fascista.
-That's right.
Ethan you are going to be
exposed, okay.
I mean, I don't even know
who you are anymore.
I don't think you ever
knew who I was.
Really? Well, guess what
I am not interested anymore.
-Oh, you are not?
-But Bob Bernard is.
Can I have my
guitar back, please?
And when Julia finds out,
her little heart
is gonna be crushed.
Where you going?
-I'm leaving.
-Oh, yeah.
-Get out of here.
-Leaving?
Whoo! Well, shit that was
the best sound it ever made.
Bye.
Hey, I gotta talk to you
about something.
Okay, you are gonna come
to election night, right?
I mean, win or lose
I'd really like it
if you could be there.
-Yes, I definitely wanna go.
-Okay.
[grunts]
Liar.
Oh, my God.
That's Mr. Fleischman's
first word since the stroke.
Tom, I'm so sorry Buddy.
Are you okay?
Do you know him?
Well, I think he's gone
back to sleep.
You are working
with Tom Fleischman?
Well, yeah, what do you mean?
Okay, come on I work
in a hospital, I give
everyone equal care.
There's something I really
got to talk to you about,
okay?
Do you remember the radio
station I was helping out with?
The other radio station?
Yeah.
It was Tom Fleischman's
show. And,
When he couldn't fill in,
I stepped in and I
covered for him.
So what?
-I'm Charles Fern.
-Okay, that's not funny.
No, I'm Charles Fern, listen.
Good morning, Washingtonians,
I'm your humble guest host,
Charles Fern.
It's me, Julia.
Okay, wait, so your telling
me that your the person
who has been attacking
my mother?
Sort of...
I just...
-It was all a joke.
-It was not funny.
All channel offered me
all this money.
I honestly don't know
what I am supposed
to say to you right now.
I can't forgive you for this.
Okay, look it's fine if you
don't want my
mother to be governor,
but, to malign her in such
a way in a ridiculous
costume...
Listen I didn't mean
to hurt anyone.
Okay you know what, that is just
what every hypocrite says,
and you did hurt somebody.
I completely misjudged you.
I thought you were someone
who had, I don't know...
-Integrity?
-Yes. It's time
for you to leave.
-Can you just give me
another chance?
-It's too late.
Please.
-What are you doing?
-Can I get security to
604 please?
Get off of me,
I have feet you know.
Tell me what I can
do and I'll do it all right?
Don't make this worse, man,
come on, have some dignity.
Can you please move along?
Julia, I love you okay,
there I said it.
Now you might not see me
for the rest of my life.
But, I still love you and I'll
always love you. That might be
a cliche but, it's true.
Oh, man, I think you
just shoot me.
Put the camera over there
and you just shoot me.
Like where? Like in the head?
Well, I don't know.
I think maybe in this area.
We can't shoot it in here
because like...
-You'll know that I shot you.
-You'll be out of the frame.
Then we shoot Charles Fern.
Why don't we go somewhere
and shoot?
Yes, you would do that.
Hey, hey, don't fuck around.
What the hell?
Rouge, we're not fucking
around, all right?
Charles Fern must die.
You ain't gonna
kill him with a BB gun.
Well, we tried to think of
things man, but Adrienne...
She's onto me man.
She's got the photo composites.
We deny it.
And then we deny it again,
and then we deny it again.
Yeah but she's got me on tape
and then Ann Alcott thinks
I'm gay.
-She does?
-Yeah.
Gay is okay,
we can work with gay.
[doorbell ringing]
-Dude, did you invite someone
over?
-No.
It's your crazy ex girlfriend
again.
Go hide in the bathroom.
Oh, oh, oh...
Thank you.
Wow.
This is really...
Boy, oh, boy, I always knew
that there was something
different about you.
That's probably
the Maine thing.
The Maine thing.
And the main thing
is honesty.
Really, thank you,
that's wonderful.
Oh, Ryan that's really...
Ann told me everything.
She told you everything...
You're...
-Oh yeah, right well you are
a married man.
-So are you.
Well, I'm married to a man so...
Hey, Lucy is my best friend...
But, that's it.
I have never...
Oh, gosh.
Well, things are a little more
complicated than...
...than you think actually
Ryan, so...
Wait, wait, you and Rouge?
Yeah, I know.
Right well, the cat's out
of the bag now.
Wow.
Does Neil know?
Oh, of course, cause
he was our best man.
And the maid of honor.
Rouge, please accept my
sincerest apology.
I wouldn't have tried anything
if I knew you and Charles...
No, no Rouge and I yes,
if we weren't happily
married...
You'd be a perfect really
good catch. You'd be a catch.
You know Ryan,
thank you so much
for coming by.
It's really been delightful.
Yup this way is the door.
That way is the door.
Just get a good cab home.
Take off your glasses.
Here comes the cool part.
[grunting]
Ah!
Oh!
Ow!
Oh! Ow!
[grunts]
You okay?
Rouge, you all right?
I'm all right.
Give me my fucking phone.
You got a little
blood on your hand.
Get outta here.
Sure buddy.
Rouge, thanks.
Yeah, hey we have an
emergency.
I was hunting and we
got attacked by
a grizzly bear.
[indistinct chatter]
Hello?
Holy shit!
Okay...
Charles...
Saw a little bear cub.
A baby bear cub.
Stuck under
a small boulder and...
Well, he went to help
the little fella and...
Out of nowhere this...
The bear came...
Must have been the mama.
Grizzly bear.
Jeez, Rouge you know better
than to hunt cascades
this time of the year?
I know, but, Charles he twisted
my arm, he was an avid hunter,
it was so dumb.
And the grizzly had him
by the neck you say?
Yes.
I fear the worst.
[phone ringing]
Teared him off like
a cat crazy kitten.
I fear the worst.
Oh, really?
All right, well
keep searching through
the night.
Well, they found some glasses
on the ground.
Polka dotted bow tie.
I'm sorry.
[snorts]
Okay, okay, it's fine.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's okay.
And the most ludicrous
item of the week comes
to us from the
leftist documentarian,
Adrienne Lockhart.
Last week she claimed that
the recently deceased
radio commentator
Charles Fern who died
nobly trying to save a bear cub
was actually her ex-boyfriend.
This after claims that
Charles Fern was famed
Mexican drug runner,
Charles Fernando.
So what is she basing her
most recent claim on?
A grainy photo she matched
using computer enhancements.
This one wouldn't pass
the Dan Rather smell test.
-Come on.
-Libelous, perhaps.
Ludicrous...
Without question.
Thanks very much everyone.
I am Bob Bernard.
That's all from me for today.
That's it?
That's it?
That's all for you today.
Jesus.
Well, it's virtual time.
95 percent of the precincts
are in and yet no one can get
a straight count.
It's gonna be a long night.
Julia are you all right?
You just don't seem
like yourself?
Yeah, no, I am just
ready for the campaign
to be over.
Me too. Oh, I did get some
good news today that will
make you happy.
Harborview called me and they
got a match for my donation.
What?
Yeah, the Alzheimer wing
is saved.
-Serious?
-It was so strange.
Okay, the guy that donated
was that right winger who
died, Charles Fern.
You don't say.
Yeah. And then I guess he
donated it right before
the grizzly incident.
The guy had it coming.
Car police should step right in.
Well, I didn't like what
he was saying about me
but, he obviously
had a different side.
The bear thought so too.
Poor thing. Did you read
what they wrote.
How they found him?
Apparently the bear
stuffed him in a tree.
Like ate him just
a little bit at a time.
Like the Revenant.
I haven't seen that movie.
[pop song playing]
CHARLES FERN
ALZHEIMER'S WING
Say it again.
I promise for the rest
of my life
I will never wear
another bow tie.