1
- [Chris] Have you ever seen Brown Bunny?
- [Chester] No.
What's that?
[Chris] It's a movie with Chlo Sevigny
and Vincent Gallo.
And in it, Chlo Sevigny goes down
on Vincent Gallo for like five minutes.
- And they use his real penis.
[Chester] That's just pornography.
No, it's not. It's called acting.
If you wrote in a script
that I suck your dick for five minutes,
I would do it.
Why? Because you're paying me.
I wouldn't suck your dick for six minutes,
I wouldn't do it for four.
I would fucking full method it,
and just Daniel Day-Lewis your penis
in my mouth for five minutes.
Does that make me gay? No.
Just makes me, like, a really good actor.
Okay, in this situation, why am I
the one paying you to suck my dick?
- Would you rather suck my dick?
- I don't wanna suck anyone's dick.
You shouldn't have written it
in the script.
[cell phone ringing]
Danny, I know what you'll say. It's okay.
I'll get you your money. Don't worry.
What? Why 800?
[cell phone ringing and buzzing]
I don't know what
you're talking about, man.
Fuck it, call the cops.
I don't give a shit anymore.
It's all you. Goodbye.
- What happened?
- I am so screwed.
"I'm so screwed. Feel bad for me."
You're such a drama queen sometimes.
Oh, shit!
- Brake, brake, brake!
- Brake! [Screaming]
[Chester] Uh-huh. It's about 70,000 miles,
but it's... It's in great shape.
Mm-hm. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.
The trunk has an automatic latch,
in the front.
Yeah, and the trunk is super spacious.
It's really big, like a living room.
Could fit a love seat.
No.
No, no, not really, no.
I'll see you there, Carlo. Thank you.
Okay.
Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, bye.
Yes.
[woman over recording]
Welcome to The Travel Linguist.
This is Portuguese 101.
In this lesson,
you will learn common greetings.
The word for "hello" is oi.
The word for "please" is por favor.
[car horn honks]
[car horn honking]
[woman over recording
speaking in Portuguese]
[speaks in Portuguese]
[in English] That's right.
Don't forget to roll the R's.
[continues speaking in Portuguese]
- The word for "thank you" is obrigado.
- Let's go!
Start the car! Let's go!
[engine starts]
Cool. Hey, don't slam the door.
Don't slam the...
[Chris]
What the fuck are you listening to?
- [Chester] I'm learning Portuguese.
- I gotta change this.
- What's wrong with this?
- No.
Why isn't this working?
Can we not with the merchandise?
This is a vintage automobile.
It needs to be treated with kid gloves.
All right? And when did you start smoking?
What? I needed to change things up, okay?
It was either this or Scientology.
And I can't wear maritime-style uniforms.
It makes my face look fat.
Well, I just sold this car,
so, let's take care of it, and no smoking.
Can you cover my register for 30 minutes?
I need to meet this guy at 10:30.
What guy?
Carlo. The guy from Craigslist.
He called me this morning.
He wants to buy the car.
This guy has an amazing story.
He just moved to this country...
- You sold your car without consulting me?
- Are you even listening to me?
- That's pretty selfish.
- Can you cover my register?
If you sell your car,
how do we get to Rock the Bells?
I can't go to a concert.
I just told you I'm gonna meet Carlo.
Then I'll work a double. Go home.
- Pack. That's my night. I'm booked up.
- You know what I did to get these tickets?
I'm not going to a concert
with your brother's fake tickets.
Sell 'em
and get your car out of the impound, man.
- Grow up. Get a life.
- Okay.
And what are you packing for, huh?
Brazil. I'm going to Brazil.
You remember Brazil, right?
Doing that this early in the morning?
The Brazil conversation?
- Not...
- All right. All right. I'll do it.
Well, did you get your ticket yet?
I mean, not yet, but I will.
No. I didn't think so.
We're going to the concert.
No, no, no.
We're not going to the concert.
Because as soon as I sell this car
I'm using that money to buy a ticket.
I'm serious this time.
You're not gonna talk me out of it, okay?
You're...?
You're still coming with me, right?
Yeah, I'm coming with you, okay?
For the millionth time.
Good.
So,
then stop being such a downer about it.
- All right?
- I'm not a downer.
It's just that you've talked about Brazil
every week for the last 4 years,
so, it's like the boy who cried wolf,
then got gang-banged by the wolf
- and all his friends.
- I don't wanna hear another word from you.
Real quick, can we go over this
whole moving-to-another-continent idea?
I mean, I'm down, I just wanna make sure
that we're not gonna regret it forever.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, okay.
This is how I plan
to retire when we move to Brazil.
- Shit, you trying to smoke that?
- What? No.
- You wanna snort it?
- How would...?
- You're fucking crazy. I'm in, though.
- No, no, no. This is guayusa.
- I don't get it.
- It's an Amazonian super leaf,
packed with caffeine
and natural antioxidants.
I've been researching this stuff
for months.
You wanna know how much it costs
- to ship and produce this one bottle?
- Four seventy-nine?
Seventy-five cents.
And they sell it here for $4.79,
for people...
For people like that.
That's a $3 profit margin
that these companies are making.
That's what you're doing
in your spare time, Chester?
Researching bottled drinks?
- That's weird.
- Oh, shut up. That's not weird.
Guayusa's the future.
- Will you stop pronouncing it like that?
- Like what?
- Guayusa.
- Guayusa.
- Guayusa.
- Guayusa.
- Guayusa.
- I'm saying guayusa.
Okay. So, when we get to Brazil,
your plan is to start some natural
energy drink using guayusa,
and then sell it
to high-end markets in the U.S.?
I mean, genius, right?
I don't know how to explain this,
but your plan is fucking dumb as shit.
Does that make sense?
Is that registering or...?
Forget it. You're out.
Have fun making minimum wage.
Let me explain why it won't work.
When we get to Brazil,
we don't have any job prospects,
so we can't make money.
We don't know anyone,
so we won't have a social life.
We have to wear a condom when we have sex.
That means no pulling out on girls.
Excuse me.
- I'm so sorry. Please.
- No problem.
Is the morning-after pill
legal down there?
All right,
let's take it down a couple of notches.
- There's a...
- It's a Catholic country. Picture this.
I'm dicking some beautiful Brazilian,
getting confident,
I start long-stroking her, boom,
the condom breaks.
- There's a baby.
- Can I just go to the pharmacy and get it
or do I have to drop her off
at some unlicensed doctor
- to handle it holistically?
- I gotta go. I don't know you. Bye.
- I know you.
- No.
I ask the tough questions,
Chester, and so should you.
I don't know you.
You have a very bright future
ahead of you, Chris.
Thank you. I know I do.
Ah. Chris. Dude.
I heard, man.
Let me tell you something.
This shoulder has your name
written all over it.
If you need a good cry, man,
let the tears flow...
What are you talking about?
Word got out. Everyone's talking about
how Brooke broke up with you.
Let me tell you something.
I have no problem taking
your sloppy seconds.
As a matter of fact,
I prefer your sloppy seconds.
It's like your stamp of approval
on the pussy.
This is how you come at me
this early in the morning, Greg?
Why don't you ask about
my grandma's dementia?
[speaking in Portuguese]
[Chris]
Fucking Greg and his ginger shots.
[speaks in Portuguese]
I'm going with or without you.
I freaking hate this place.
Rich people judging me all the time.
Greg and his stupid Cool Runnings hat.
There won't be concerts like this
in Brazil.
- There'll be concerts like this in Brazil.
- Rock the Bells?
No, but clearly you haven't
heard the funky sounds
of Jorge Ben Jor.
- [music playing over cell phone]
- Huh?
I don't mean for this to sound racist,
but that music is killing me.
Why? It's great. This is fantastic music.
Have you seen Brazilian women dance?
Yeah. "Brazilian"
is my favorite porn search word
before "drunk" and "amateur."
I don't know what it is about amateur.
I like it. It's more authentic.
- Sell me something with integrity.
- Hundred percent.
We'll have all the time in the world
to talk about porn preference
and samba to salsa music.
It's in the IE, man.
That's like three hours away.
Please. I need this.
I will pack after the concert,
and we will take the first flight
in the morning.
- Come on. I'll even get us real tickets.
- You pack before the concert,
and we leave first thing tomorrow morning.
You got it?
- My word is my bond.
- All right.
- You. Danny wants to see you.
- Why?
He's nervous about
that divisional manager guy stopping by.
- Damn it. Thanks.
- [Chris] Yo, check this out.
Look, look. "Wuz really hood? Two VIP tix",
three hundo, far form the crowd."
I think he meant "from."
Would you pay me $300
if I performed sexual favors on your body?
No one would.
[knocking on door]
Come in. Come in.
Brooke said you wanted to see me?
Come in, come in.
Stop standing in the door
like a fucking weirdo.
Get in here. Shut the door.
I got something I wanna talk to you about.
Hey, you remember
that incident a couple of months ago
involving a stolen shipment
from one of our trucks?
Trucks? I don't...
I don't know what you're talking about.
You didn't think I was gonna find out,
did you?
You're carrying a lot of dead weight.
That fucking friend of yours, Chris?
He's a bum. Which makes you an idiot,
for being friends with him.
Know what he did? He took all that stuff,
he sold it to Organix for...
How much did he tell you he sold it for,
$3,000? What a great deal.
Wrong.
He sold it to Organix for 5 grand.
He kept an extra two grand for himself,
man.
Stings, right?
Your bestie. He fucking stole from you.
You don't even fucking know it.
What do you want?
You owe $5,000 to the store
for food you stole.
- I don't have that kind of money.
- Then you and Chris are fired.
And believe me, I will press charges.
You ever do any time in general pop?
They eat kids like you for breakfast.
So, add that, add your bail,
your lawyer fees,
you getting sodomized in prison every day.
I can call the prosecutor's office.
- I know someone...
- No, no, no. Please.
I'm selling my car in half an hour.
That's $2,500.
It's yours. That's all I've got.
All right, that'll do in the meantime.
- Can I go now?
- You may go now.
I'm fucking crazy, bro.
Man, I don't play like that, Johnny.
Know what I'm saying? I go fucking crazy.
You know, sidekick, bit...
What's good, man? Did you get in trouble?
- We gotta go. Meet me at LAX at 3 p.m.
- What about the concert?
Fuck it. Danny knows about Organix.
He's gonna go to the police.
- What are you talking about?
- Go home, pack, and get your passport.
We'll fly standby if we have to,
but we leave today.
- But I don't have a ride. Shit.
- Cover my register!
[cell phone ringing]
Maloney's my name. Talk to me.
# Dirty ghetto kids #
# Look at what we did #
# Hustled from the crib
We can... a bigger place to live #
# Newest to the shit
Always been the truest to the shit #
# We said we weren't in
Now turn around and look at what we did #
# Look at what we did #
# Yeah, look at what we did
Look at what we did #
# Look at what we did
Look at what we did #
# Look at what we did
Look at what we did #
# I thought my life was bad
No... #
# Appreciate what you have #
Shit.
- Chester, my friend.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- I'm Carlo.
Oh, hey, Carlo. How's it going?
I'm always, uh, so nervous
to sell stuff on Craigslist,
'cause there's a bunch of weirdos,
but you look totally normal.
Right, there's a lot of weirdos online
trying to take advantage of you.
- Yes.
- You gotta be careful.
- Right.
- Well...
- So, this is it, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I like the way she looks.
- [chuckles]
Like a 45-year-old mom,
- waiting to get fucked.
- I have no idea what that means.
I got a flight to catch
in a couple hours.
- Do you mind if we speed this up?
- It's okay to test drive?
Just to see everything's okay?
Yeah, of course, please. Of course.
You gotta check out the merchandise.
Sorry if that's racist.
- Don't know why I said it.
- I was thinking that you could drive,
and I could ride shotgun. Do you mind?
- No.
- My cousin Rico to ride with us?
[Carlo yells in Spanish]
Your cousin?
- [Carlo speaks in Spanish]
- Very big cousin.
Hi. I'm Chester. Very nice to meet you.
You're almost as big as that truck.
Are those 22's?
It's okay. He's embarrassed.
His English is not very good.
[Chester] Sorry.
I meant the 22's on the truck, not you.
Why would you have rims, right?
[chuckles] That would be crazy.
Hey, Carlo.
[Rico speaks in Spanish]
Hmm?
- Whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
- You think I'm stupid?
- No, no.
- Is this a stolen car?
- What?
- You tried to sell me a hot car, fucker!
No, not a hot car.
That's not what it is.
Then why is there a suitcase
and bags of shit in it?!
I'm going on vacation.
I told you, I have a flight.
I don't steal vintage cars
and sell them on Craigslist.
I don't do that.
That's not my thing. Please.
[laughing]
[whoops, then speaks in Spanish]
[whoops, then speaks in English]
That was fun, man.
Whoo, jeez, you're so nervous.
I'm just messing with you.
- You need to loosen up. You're so tense.
- [chuckles] Yeah. I'm tense.
"Vintage car!
You said it was a vintage car!"
Oh, that's funny.
You have to tell the jokes onstage.
Like the black guy
who tells jokes onstage.
The black guy, um... What's his name?
Aah! [Speaks in Spanish]
- [in English] He did Delirious.
- Huh?
48 Hrs.
- Mercy.
- Effie... Effie Murky.
- Eddie. Comedian.
- Mer... Merdy.
- No, no.
- Pretty sure it's Eddie Murphy.
No, no, no. Eddie...
- Murphy.
- Merly.
- Murphy.
- Mercy.
- It's Murphy.
- Something like that!
Okay.
Let's just finish the test drive,
then we finalize the sale.
I drive you to the airport, no problem.
- Rico, let's go.
- Great.
Why...? Why is he...?
What is he doing?
- Hey... No...
- [Carlo speaks in Spanish]
- [in English] We're going now. Come on.
- What?
- Why is he in the trunk?
- He likes to be alone.
That's weird.
Is your cousin gonna be fine in the trunk?
[speaking in Spanish,
then man speaking in Spanish over phone]
I couldn't help but notice
your rich Central American accent.
It's just so beautiful,
the way it flows off your tongue.
I mean, what is that?
Belize? Nicaraguan? Salvadorean?
Let's go a little further down.
We are almost there.
[man whistles, then yells indistinctly]
[indistinct chattering]
Shit.
- [cell phone ringing]
- Oh, my boss.
- See? He's such a worrywart.
- Turn it off.
He'll probably send out an amber alert
if I don't check in.
I never know how
to mute these things, actually.
[chuckling]
Okay, yeah.
- Okay, very funny.
- [whistling]
Can we not do this while I drive? Please?
I have a phobia about things
going near my eye. It's... [gasps]
Please, don't do this, okay?
You want the car, it's your car.
I won't tell the cops. Just let me go.
[American accent]
I don't want the car.
See that pink house?
Wait, what happened to your accent?
Why would you fake an accent?
Because it made you feel more comfortable.
That's really a social commentary
on why you're more empathetic
to people who speak with accents.
Now I'm gonna ask you one more time.
You're gonna slowly pull up
to that pink house,
and on my cue, you'll drive away fast.
Can you do that?
You mean the purple one?
- It's pink.
- No, that's more of a mauve if anything.
- It's fucking pink.
- To be honest,
I'm not the best for this job.
I'm a great team leader.
My rsum speaks to that.
But being a getaway driver is not one
of my strong points... Strong suits.
Is that a yes?
Yes. I'm feeling very spontaneous today.
Let's do it. Yeah.
[man 1] Can't wait for you to see what
I got my mom for Mother's Day, man.
[man 2] I forgot that was coming, blood.
- Damn.
- [man 1] What?
- You ain't got Mama something?
- [man 2] No.
Out of all my favorite beaches,
I'm fucking with Hermosa the most, man.
[man 2] Hell, no, nigga. That Caesar.
[man 1] Not pizzas.
- I said, out of all the beaches and shit.
- [man 2] Oh, you said beaches.
[man 1] Yeah. [Laughs]
- [man 2] What the hell?
- Blood, my...
Oh. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
[man 1] What's cracking, coz?
- What you looking at?
- I ain't never seen that car
on the street before.
[Carlo] Now, on my cue,
you pop the trunk.
- Got it?
- Got it.
One.
Two.
Three. Now!
Guatemalan boys say hello!
[Carlo laughing]
[laughing]
Pull off! Pull off!
[tires squealing]
Take that!
[Chester] Oh, God! Oh, God!
Motherfucker!
- Can't this piece of shit go faster?!
- I fucking hate Craigslist!
Go!
[Chester screaming]
Don't slow down.
What the fuck are you doing?
Sorry, Carlo. Just give me one second.
I'm sorry about that.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
From now on, when I say "don't pull over,"
and you pull over,
I am going to consider that disobedience.
And what do you do
when a dog disobeys you?
You put that bitch down.
Now...
you're gonna drop us off at our car.
[Rico and Carlo speaking in Spanish]
- [in English] Okay.
- Let's go.
[Carlo speaking in Spanish]
[Rico laughing, then Carlo laughing]
[Carlo speaking in Spanish]
[in English]
Whoa. Where are you going?
[Chester] A shortcut.
The streets in L.A. are a death trap,
so, I'm taking the highway.
Trust me, this is the fastest route.
[Carlo] You better be right.
[car horns honking]
[Carlo sighs] Faster, huh?
How was I supposed
to know there's construction?
You know, they should invent an app
that tells you if a highway's
backed up due to construction,
and how to take detours.
- That's a smart idea. That's...
- That's Waze.
You just described
the most popular map app
that was bought by Google
for 1.2 billion dollars.
[both speaking in Spanish]
[in English]
One-point-three. Gracias, Rico.
You guys are pretty current
with the, uh, Silicon Valley news.
That's... That's impressive.
We love reading about app mergers.
Get off this exit.
Okay.
Oh, hey, come on, dude.
See this? Typical L.A. driver, man.
- Probably late to his audition.
- [car horn honks]
- Hey, man, easy on the horn.
- [Chester] You're not gonna get the part.
- [car horn honking]
- Come on.
[horn continues honking]
Easy on the horn!
There's a million other actors like you.
- It's not going for you.
- It's not going for me?
You know,
I'm driving a V-8 drop-top Bentley.
So, yeah, it's going for me pretty well.
What's up with your car?
Is that real leather? Doubt it.
What, is that plastic? [Chuckling]
This is a 1997 vintage car.
He thinks he's better than me
'cause he drives imported shit?
When you talk shit about people,
you should roll up your window.
Might have to do it manually.
You know, manually?
You know that word?
When you talk shit to someone
on the freeway, - Stop.
Make sure you're
not driving a $100,000 car!
- I dare you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [banging and glass breaking]
- Fuck!
- You kidding me?
- See what you made me do?
- Shit!
- I made you do?
- I'm crazy when I drive.
- Didn't see a car?
- Don't talk shit to someone.
- Out of the car.
- I take melatonin every night.
- Hey, hey, hey! Get in the car!
- [Carlo yelling in Spanish]
- Hey!
What's happening?
[continues yelling in Spanish]
[in English] It doesn't matter.
[horns honking]
Fuck. Fuck.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Come on.
[door bells ringing]
[music playing over speaker]
Stapler? No...
The truck.
[dispatcher] 911, what's your emergency?
I was robbed at gunpoint
by two Guatemalans in a pickup truck.
They stole my car
and are trying to kill me.
- Hold, sir. I'll transfer your call.
- No. Don't put me on hold.
- Sir, it'll just be a second.
- No. Don't put me... [grunts]
Fine. I'm dead.
[hissing]
[Johnny] Hey, Chris.
Rise and shine, man.
It's a beautiful morning.
[Johnny laughing]
- Ow!
- [Johnny chuckles]
- You should see...
- What the fuck?
- Piece of shit.
- [laughing]
- You trying to get up?
- Get off!
- You trying to get up? [Whoops]
- Get out of my room!
- Your face looks like my asshole!
- Fuck you!
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
You're the best. I never feel it.
Hey, I just posted that video.
It's already got like 15,000 loops.
Check it out, Patti.
[Chris over cell phone] Ow!
- What the fuck?
- [laughing] Look at his face.
- You look like a paraplegic. Doesn't he?
- Yeah, he does.
You mean quadriplegic?
Paraplegic has nothing to do
with the face.
Oh. "You mean quadriplegic?"
Paraplegic has nothing
to do with the face."
[blowing raspberry]
[Johnny] Holy shit.
Are you seeing this spot-on impression
Patti's doing of you?
I'm seeing double over here.
Nicely done, Patti. Keep it coming.
[chuckles] So...
another glorious day at work
coming for you, huh?
You psyched
to break down cardboard boxes,
and stock the shelves with cans all day?
Get a high-protein breakfast in.
Don't run out of steam,
all that hard labor.
You learned sarcasm at the ripe age of 35.
Good for you, Johnny.
Just move out and get a real job.
No one wants you here.
Why don't you get a real job?
I'll get one when you get one.
I'm a diabetic, asshole.
- I have to live with Mom and Dad.
- How's the tallboy treating your diabetes?
[beeper beeping]
Hold that thought.
[sniffles] Whoops.
I just made 300 bucks.
What are you scalping?
- Strokes tickets at the Greek.
- Are they even real?
Yeah, they're totally real.
They're Ticketmaster approved.
[mimics crying, then explosion]
- All over your face.
- Is that what
- you sound like when you're coming?
- Yeah.
[beeper beeping] Excuse me.
You wanna go to that Rock the Bells show?
I got two tickets I gotta unload.
But it was sold out four months ago.
How much?
For you?
Brotherly price.
[clicking tongue]
Three hundred bucks.
Come on. I can't afford that.
Just give 'em to me for free.
Check Craigslist.
These are going for 800 minimum.
- But your tickets are fake.
- The concert's gonna be so huge,
you just show up,
they'll glance at your ticket,
and let you go in.
This is my area of expertise now.
If I wanted to know the price
on some shitty meat
in the meat market,
I'd probably ask you.
[sniffles, then clears throat]
- 'Cause that's your profession, dipshit.
- I'll give you 100 for two.
Blow my dick with your mouth.
You hear that, Patti?
- Johnny wants me to suck his dick.
- Chris. Language.
Watch what you say in front of Patti,
you disrespectful cunt.
- [music playing over speaker]
- [Johnny] Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. We're nailing this.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
We're in the pocket.
So snug.
[safe beeping]
[music continues playing]
- Perfect. Perfect so far.
- [car horn honking]
What is that?
Shut up!
Wait. Okay. All right.
Pause it, pause it, pause it.
Come on. What was that?
We were having a perfect game.
Oh, the idiot.
Your drumming was incredible, by the way.
Keep up that intensity when we unpause.
Hey, Chris!
Chris!
Your dyke friend's here
to pick you up in his dogshit car.
Tell him to stop honking his whack horn.
He's ruining our game. Wait.
Were you in my room?
No, you paranoid fuck.
- Stay out of my shit.
- Nobody's in your shit, Johnny.
You're poking around in my shit.
[whispering]
And I don't like it.
You're sniffing around...
[sniffing] sniffing my shit.
- Why are you whispering?
- Why are you?
- You are.
- You sniffing around my shit
- makes me so mad.
- Don't worry.
- Out of my shit.
- Stop.
- Stay out of my shit.
- Stop whispering.
- I'm not whispering. You are.
- I'm not whispering.
You stay out of my shit.
- Stop it.
- Stay out of my shit.
Bye, Patti.
Fuck you.
Come on.
All right, Patti.
Sack up, we're going back in.
- Feels like the game's cheating, right?
- Yeah, it is.
I'm gonna sue Xbox.
[Chester speaking in Portuguese]
Let's go, let's go!
Cool. Hey, don't slam the door.
- Don't slam the...
- What the fuck are you listening to?
I'm not going to a concert
with his fake tickets.
Sell 'em
and get your car out of the impound.
- Grow up.
- [woman] You have a very bright future
ahead of you, Chris.
This is how you come at me
this early in the morning, Greg?
Why don't you ask about
my grandma's dementia?
Dude, that was rude of me.
Too early for that, you're right. My B.
You wanna hear something messed up?
I got two tickets
to Rock the Bells going to waste.
That's 500 bucks down the drain.
Two? I've been looking all over for those.
- I checked StubHub and everything. 500?
- Here.
That's way too much. I won't touch 'em
- until you give me a better price.
- I mean, I can do it for you for 300.
- Three hundred?
- Yeah.
Oh, shit.
- Yo, what...? Yo, what the fuck?
- What?
Why you trying to sell me fake tickets?
- What?
- I thought we were cool.
I just took you to Jamba Juice
and bought you a ginger shot.
Ginger shots aren't cheap.
You think I'm the ginger fairy?
Like ginger grows on trees?
Out of all people,
I know how much ginger shots cost.
It's an expensive addition to a smoothie.
I get that.
I'm just trying to sell you great tickets
to an amazing event.
I feel like Jesus over here.
I'm trying to give you something
and I'm being persecuted.
Really? Jesus was scalping tickets
for the Last Supper?
If you don't want 'em, good.
Deal's off. Forget it.
Those are fake. I know they are.
The real ones have a security foil on 'em.
Those aren't real.
Real or fake, no one's gonna give a shit.
There'll be so many people there,
security's just gonna let you in.
Do I look like a sucker-ass nigga?
Don't answer that.
Two friends got caught
with fake tickets last year.
Security did them in.
My first friend, broken leg.
He can't even walk right now.
Second friend, dead.
I don't know your friends.
They might have weak immune systems.
I gotta go.
- [Chester] Why?
- I think he's nervous
about that divisional manager guy
stopping by.
Check this out. Look. "Wuz really hood?
Two VIP tix, 3 hundo, far form the crowd."
- I think he meant "from."
- [Chester] Go pack, get your passport.
We'll fly standby if we have to,
but we leave today.
- But I don't have a ride. Shit.
- Cover my register!
[cell phone ringing]
Maloney's my name. Talk to me.
- [man] Yo, you called me about tickets?
- Yeah, yeah. You still got 'em?
Yeah, I got 'em.
Don't call me on that sexy voice shit.
Three hundred for both of 'em
and don't come here on some bullshit.
Where do you live?
Valley. 450 Vesper off Ventura.
Don't be late.
- I'll see you in an hour.
- Yeah. Hurry up.
I'm so sorry.
Our card machine's actually not working.
Do you have cash?
[groans] Sorry.
Those eyes got me. [Chuckles]
Thank you so much.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Yo, if Danny asks for me,
I'm going to get lunch.
It's not even 9:30.
[Chris] Five,
six,
seven...
Eight hundred.
[sighs] What's up, baby?
What's up, baby? It's all good, brother.
It's all good, baby.
He's not Maloney. You're Maloney.
Be fucking Maloney.
Is that your black Range Rover outside?
That's Jay's.
Cool.
I'm just wondering, 'cause,
like, I'm in the market for one, so...
Like, that or a Lambo.
Just something to fit my character.
Just... Just stop talking.
- [moaning on computer]
- [Jay] One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
[grunting]
- [woman] Jay!
- Fuck you. [Grunts]
- Jay, get the fuck out here!
- Goddamn it.
- [door slams]
- Hey, yo, what the fuck did I say?
When that door's closed,
don't bother me, don't text me.
- Nothing.
- [scoffs]
Hey, yo, hand me that robe real quick.
Oh, yeah.
- Put that on, ma'am.
- Do I look fucking cold to you?
[scoffs]
Whatever.
What the fuck you looking at?
Nothing.
- I'm just here for the tickets.
- Oh, you that silly motherfucker
that called me with the sexy-ass voice.
Yo, last two I got, man.
Don't fucking put
your sausage fingerprints all over them.
All right? It depreciates the value.
Are these really VIP?
I mean, I know it says it on the tickets,
but there's a lot of,
like, fake VIPs going around...
Oh, okay.
I bet you think all Asian people bootleg
DVDs, Louis bags, concert tickets?
Racist motherfucker.
Get out of here. Give my tickets back.
I've never bought a fake Louis bag,
so, I wouldn't know what the ethnicity
of that person would be, really.
I don't... You know?
I've heard it's a specific type.
No, no. No, no.
I just, you know...
- No.
- [chuckles]
What the fuck are you laughing at?
Yo, what's your problem?
You really want me to say it?
Every time we say we're gonna...
you have something going on.
- What's the Wi-Fi here?
- I don't take care of that pussy?
It's okay. I have LTE.
[scoffs]
Okay. Yeah, you start some shit,
but you can't finish it
when shit gets real, right? You scared.
You scared, right?
Jay, I'm not the one that's scared.
Now get the fuck out of my way.
You touch me again, we have a problem.
- Hey, hey, take it easy.
- Get the fuck off of me.
- Asshole.
- Let's try Ujjayi breathing.
Inhale through the nose,
exhale through the mouth,
- like to fog up a window.
- [cell phone rings]
- Can I use your bathroom?
- Yo, down the hall, man.
What the fuck do you want?
[lock clicks]
What's up, baby? What's up?
- Ain't shit. Fuck him. Fuck him.
- [banging on door]
- Yo, what's up, man?
- [Jay] Yo, what you doing in there?
- I'm just finishing up.
- I gotta bounce, so, hurry the fuck up.
Make sure he pays for the tickets.
I gotta drop this off real quick.
Hey, yo.
Make sure he pays for the tickets.
I'm talking to you.
I heard you the first time. Jesus.
- What did I just say to do?
- I'll get him to pay for the tickets.
Great.
Thank you for treating me
like a fucking adult. [Grunts]
[groans]
[water runs, then stops]
Oh, what the fuck?
Oh, shit.
What the fuck?
Where's Jay?
He had to step out.
You want these tickets?
Uh... Yeah,
I just actually got a call from work,
- and I gotta work the double.
- That sucks.
I was just kidding what I said before
about the Lambo thing.
What?
Remember when I was like,
"Oh, I wanna get a Range Rover or a Lambo
or something that'd fit my character."
I was just kidding.
I would never buy any of those cars.
Not 'cause I think they're douchey,
just 'cause, like, I can't afford 'em.
Kind of a douche already.
Did you laugh?
Pretty sure that was a laugh.
[chuckles]
See, I'm not that bad
when you give me a chance, right?
Um...
So, are you gonna go
to the concert later or...?
Uh... I don't know.
I might go with one of my girls.
You should give me a call if you do.
Um...
I saw this in a movie once.
- What happened after?
- He gets killed by her boyfriend.
Fingers crossed
it works out better for you.
[Danny] Could've used a little more luck
last night.
- I'll say that much for sure.
- [man] No fucking kidding.
Dodgers had to break their winning streak
the night I bet on them.
Fucking bullshit, but whatever.
Win some, lose some.
Yeah, you're shit out of luck.
I'll be there in an hour.
Oh, word, you're coming over, bro?
- Can you bring me, like, a baggie?
- Baggie?
You got my three racks, fool?
I got so many racks,
I ought to open a Home Depot.
- Feel me?
- Yeah, we'll see about that.
Shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shit.
[Danny] Come on, man. Don't... Shit.
Jay, don't...
Come on, don't do this, bro.
Fucking economy's bullshit.
Jay, hey.
I didn't know you were coming so soon.
That's, uh...
Anybody ever tell you
you're really prompt?
It's a great quality. It's a great, good.
Means you're considerate and, like,
that means that you must come from,
like, you know...
You must've been raised
in a really nice family.
You know? You gotta come from good stock.
Let's do business now.
So, that's all you. That's...
That's you right there.
What the fuck is that?
I know, I know.
It's... That's... It's for the coke.
And I was gonna pay you the $3,000 later.
So, let me get this straight,
'cause maybe I'm a little slow today.
You expect me to drive all the way
back from the valley
to get the rest of my money,
you delinquent fuck?
You know what?
You're taking the 405, that's the problem.
If you take Coldwater...
You're telling me my problem
is I'm using my Waze app wrong?
You know what happens
when you don't have my money?
Yes, I remember very clearly.
Looks like I have a C-section scar.
Thanks for that.
So, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Do you have all my motherfucking money?
Yes, I do. Not now.
But I will have it later.
I have a lot of things moving around now,
and I will have it by 1:00 at the latest.
Swear to God.
Latest.
One o'clock.
Did I say 1? I meant 12.
At the latest, 11...
thirty.
Or now.
Let me get...
I'm gonna get you some money right now.
Yeah?
Want a Kombucha, or something?
Hook you up? You good?
[Greg] Next customer in line, please.
- All right, you got your...
- This register is closed. Take this stuff.
- Go, go. Go away.
- Hey, Danny. What's up?
Aisle Three needs some extra fifties
and singles and shit.
- Okay. Let me tally up this register.
- No, just give me whatever's there.
Doesn't matter. I'll count in the office.
- Want the change?
- No, I don't need change.
The only change I'd like is
in your damn attitude.
- Okay.
- [mouths] What?
[Danny] Brooke, tally up the receipts,
except Greg's, I just took money out.
- Okay, calm down.
- You calm down. I'm calm.
I'm calm as a motherfucking cucumber.
Eight hundred.
Nine hundred.
Thousand. I got a thousand dollars.
That's a thousand dollars for you
right here.
Stand up.
- Why? Come on.
- Stand the fuck up.
- I got $1000 for you. Don't do this.
- Stand the fuck up. Get the fuck up.
I took the old-school SATs.
You know the 1600 one?
That's really good, man.
I didn't even take the SATs.
I bet your ass thinks I got
a perfect 800 score in math, right?
No, I don't... I didn't think anything.
Man, I'm colorblind
when it comes to stereotypes.
I thought you were Lithuanian.
Here's our options.
A, maybe I'm not good at math,
and this is my fault.
Or, B, - Ow.
You're really good at math,
and you'll teach me something new today
and give me a reason why I shouldn't
shoot one of your fucking nuts off.
- Now, how much did I say you owe me?
- Three thousand.
And how much do you have on you right now?
Well, a thousand.
No. Don't do that, man. Give me an hour.
You know I'm good for it.
You know I'm good for it, bro.
An hour.
[Danny] Just give me three grand.
What's the big deal?
I know you need it. I need it more.
I'm not...
No, I'm not gambling again, you idiot.
I'll pay you back.
All right, forget it. Fuck you, Ma.
Hope you like retirement homes.
That's where I'll send you.
What's up, Jay? You got a problem?
You got a problem with me?
I don't got your cash.
So, what you gonna do? Yeah.
That's what I thought, man.
[grunting]
[grunting]
[man speaking indistinctly over TV]
[continues grunting]
Fuck.
- Oh! God. Are you serious?
- What's up, girl?
Just getting a late morning workout in.
Sit down, make yourself comfortable.
I'm good. You told me to remind you that
Carey Winters is stopping by tomorrow.
So, I'm reminding you.
Fuck Carey Winters!
Cat thinks he can come around
whenever he wants
to check up on me like I'm a little boy.
This boy's all grown up!
- That's great. I'll see you later.
- Oh, Brooke.
Do you have $3,000 I can borrow?
I'm 19 and I work here.
Do you know anybody who has it?
- A bank.
- Fucking funny. Get the fuck out.
- My pleasure.
- Hey, Brooke.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
[inhales deeply, then exhales]
I'm under a lot of pressure.
[woman] I have a big family that loves
to eat. That's why we shop at Organix.
They've got low prices
and weekly specials.
All of their food is sourced
from local farmers.
Brooke, could you be a princess
and go tell Chester to come in here
and see me, please?
Organix.
They're not just a name, they stand by it.
- Danny wants to see you.
- Why?
I don't have that money.
- Then you and Chris are fired.
- No.
No, no, no.
I'm selling my car in half an hour.
It's yours. That's all I've got.
All right. That'll do in the meantime.
- Where you been?
- Chris.
- I've been texting you for an hour.
- We need a... Okay.
I just had my car stolen, man.
- What? Who'd wanna steal that bucket?
- I don't know. He didn't give a reason
before he forced me
to be an accessory in a drive-by.
We gotta get out before Danny sees me,
so, let's go.
Before we do that,
I got something
I know is gonna cheer you up.
Con...?
I can't go to a concert right now, man.
I just lost my car,
all my... All my stuff.
- All my stuff.
- No, no. Listen. I bought us real tickets.
And we're just...
We're not gonna go to Brazil right now.
How did you get money for the tickets?
Don't worry about that.
These are paid for.
Yeah. Fine. Fuck it, let's go.
- I love you.
- Whoa, okay.
Wow.
Okay, we get the joke.
Don't be homophobic.
Huh.
[knocking on door]
I'm working. Go away.
[knocking on door]
Fuck.
Danny.
Long time. How are you?
Ah. Mr. Winters.
What, are you a germophobe?
- A little. Little bit, yeah.
- [laughs] I like it, I like it.
You never know who's
carrying around hepatitis, right?
Yeah. Listen,
I'm sorry to drop in on you like this,
but they changed my itinerary last-minute.
I just got off a plane an hour ago,
- came straight here.
- I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow.
It's a bad time?
Yes.
[both laughing]
[Chris] Buy a shirt for the concert.
- You look like shit.
- [Chester] I don't understand
why we can't just go back
to your brother's place.
'Cause Johnny's gonna murder me
when he sees me.
Luckily I've had this shirt
in my trunk for the last two years.
- [Chester] Mm.
- Ooh, ooh.
Oh, try this.
Thrift stores smell like giving up.
I imagine this is
how the set of Girls smells.
- Smells like Johnny Depp.
- These kids will wear a T-shirt
about not doing drugs,
then do drugs while wearing that shirt.
That shirt makes you look
like Jared Fogle.
Thanks. I'm nowhere near
as good-looking as that guy.
- Take that off.
- Yeah.
[Carey] Listen, I'm gonna be here
for the next two weeks.
Make sure things run smooth
at our new Silver Lake store.
But I'm thinking maybe I can steal
some secrets from you,
teach them how to run a good business.
What do you say?
- Oh, by all means. Be my guest.
- [knocking on door]
- Hey... Uh...
- That would be...
- Oh. Come in.
- I didn't mean to interrupt.
I have those tallies for you, Danny,
- but I can come back later if you're...
- No, no, no. Brooke. Oh, no. Stay. Stay.
I'm sure Carey wants
to see how we do business.
You are damn right I do.
By the way, uh,
Brooke just broke up with her boyfriend,
so, now she's single, cha-ching.
Lay it on us, Brooke.
Registers One and Two are even.
Register Three is 50 cents over.
Register Four is
820 dollars and seven cents under.
- Register Five is even.
- What was that?
Register Five is even?
No.
Register Four.
Chester's register is missing
820 dollars and seven cents.
- I don't have a ride. Shit.
- [Chester] Cover my register!
Hey, I'm so sorry.
Our card machine's actually not working.
Eight hundred.
I'll take those tallies.
Thank you, Brooke.
- It was nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you, dear.
[Danny] Uh...
You want a Kombucha or something?
[Chester] This is Chester.
Leave me a message.
When I said you owe me $5,000,
I didn't mean steal it
from our store, you lazy fuck.
We're a high-end grocery store.
I have cameras all over the place
to watch people like you.
Oh, shit.
Come on!
Come on.
Erase, erase, erase.
Erase.
Where's the "erase" button on this thing?
[sighs]
Fucking cunt.
[Greg] Danny. Pick up, pronto.
We need you at the front of the store.
Just give them a refund.
I don't have time for some geriatric
trying to return day-old bread.
Fucking losers!
Man, uh... I should've probably told you.
You're on speakerphone.
Also... these guys aren't old.
Hey, who...? Who are you guys?
We're cops.
[Greg] Wait, hold on. I had my hand
on the button the whole time.
Did you get that, Danny?
These guys are cops.
[woman] What's your relationship
to Jay Morrison?
[Danny] Speak up. It's loud in here.
What's your relationship to Jay Morrison?
I don't know who that is.
You know, a lot of people come in
and out of here all day.
If I started keeping track of him,
that would be considered racial profiling.
We didn't say what race he was.
Anybody can be racially profiled,
all right?
I'm starting
to feel a little victimized myself.
I might call Al Sharpton if this keeps up.
- Million Man March your asses.
- So, you have no idea who this is?
- I don't know who it is.
- We know Jay's your coke dealer.
And I'm confident if we looked
at the surveillance drives
we could verify he was here this morning.
We don't care about you.
We need you to help turn Jay in.
I don't think I can do that.
All right. Would you rather we lock you up
for possession of narcotics
with intent to distribute?
Because I don't have a problem with that.
- Do you?
- Oh, not at all.
Also add on organized criminal gambling,
and you're looking
at 5 to 10 years in prison.
You have by 6:00 to decide.
You either help us lock up Jay
or two L.A.P.D. officers will pick you up
in a squad car.
Better lawyer up.
I always wanted to say that.
[door opens, then closes]
- Yo what's up?
- Hey.
Where's the money for the tickets?
- He didn't want 'em.
- He drove all the way here
- and didn't want them?
- He said he had to work or something.
I mean, I can't force him
to buy the tickets, babe.
Okay, why you getting so defensive for?
You really wanted me
to make sure that he paid for the tickets,
and he didn't buy the tickets
because he didn't want them.
Okay, damn. Just asked you a question.
- You mad at me?
- No, I'm not mad at you.
- You mad at me.
- I'm not mad at you, babe.
Let me make it up to you. Come on.
- Wanna get chair massages or something?
- Yeah.
- Then get something to eat?
- Oh, my God. I'm so hungry.
All right. Pick a place. My treat.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
What's this?
What?
These ain't my tickets.
You playing stupid right now?
Huh?
These ain't my fucking tickets.
Yeah, I'm gonna see you at the concert.
Calm down, baby. It's gonna be fine.
- Don't lose your temper.
- Get the fuck...
Serious? You got his number
and let him steal my tickets?
You're a fucking thot.
[groans] Ow!
- I'm tired of you disrespecting me.
- That hurt.
[sighs] [groans]
- Come here.
- [groans]
Look, we've been together six years.
I'm just trying to get you
to be honest with yourself.
I'm honest with you every single day.
- What are you talking about?
- No, not with me. With you.
Why do you watch porn all the time
when I'm right here?
Jay, what kind of porn are you watching?
Why the fuck would you ask me
that question?
- What kind of porn are you watching?
- You know what?
I'm just gonna come out and say it. Um...
Do you wanna fuck other girls,
or do you wanna sleep with men?
Either one is okay, Jay.
I just need to know,
so I can stop lying to myself.
Please, just tell me.
When I get back,
I want all your shit out of here.
[door opens, then closes]
Oh, hey, Brooke. Hey, Brooke.
- Yep.
- Hey, Brooke. Would you do me a favor?
Would you go down to my office
and just ask Mr. Winters
if he knows where I am?
- Do I tell him you're in here?
- Just ask if he knows where I am.
- But you're in here.
- Just do it! I am sorry, okay?
I'm sorry I yelled at you again.
Would you do me that favor, please?
- Yeah.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
Please, don't call me sweetheart.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm...
- What are you doing?
I was just gonna...
You have a little... That's...
Hey, thanks a lot.
I appreciate. Do me that favor.
You're the best.
[inaudible dialogue]
[cell phone ringing]
[cell phone ringing]
Danny, I know what you'll say. It's okay.
I'll get your money. Don't worry.
Good, because the price just went up.
Now you owe me an additional $800.
- What? Why 800?
- Your register was short this morning.
You didn't think I was gonna find out,
you piece of shit?
Fuck it, call the cops.
I don't give a shit anymore.
- Fuck you.
- It's all you. Goodbye.
Hello?!
Son of a bitch!
[Jay] "Maybe you wanna sleep with men."
Maybe that's your thing."
Man, fuck these labels.
No one puts me in a box,
I put you in a box.
Doing good. Money and pussy.
Come on, keep it together.
Keep it together,
keep it together, keep it together.
What the fuck?
Are you serious?
[cell phone ringing and buzzing]
[Jay] I see you, motherfucker.
[Chester] I don't know
what you're talking about, man.
You know what? Fuck it.
Gonna send me to voice-mail,
you silly sexy motherfucker?
Okay. Here we go.
It's showtime, motherfucker.
- Oh, shit.
- It's Jay time, motherfucker.
Oh! Fuck that!
How you like them apples?
Good Will Hunting.
- Brake, brake, brake!
- [Chris] Brake!
[Chester and Chris screaming]
- Get the fuck off! I know how to drive!
- Oh, my God!
Jay in this bitch!
Jay in this bitch!
Rest in peace, motherfuckers!
What the fuck happened, man?
You cut off that Range Rover?
No. No, you saw me driving.
[panting]
- Was it a black Range Rover?
- Yeah. Why?
- What the fuck did you do?
- Nothing.
Nothing, okay? I stole two tickets
and some moonrocks
from some guy on Craigslist.
It's fine. He's trying to scare us.
- I could've been killed.
- What about me?
- I could've been killed, too.
- You'd be Suge, I'd be Pac.
- You'd be Puff, I'd be Big.
- Why are you always the best rappers
in these hypotheticals?
No one forced you to come here.
You could've said no.
I would've been in Brazil
right now probably
- if I wasn't carrying your dead weight.
- All right.
- Wanna know why I always work the double?
- I don't know.
Because I'm making back the money
that you stole from me.
That I stole from you?
What did I steal from you, huh?
Organix?
Remember?
You talked me into stealing it with you,
and then you sold that shit for $5,000
and told me you sold it for 3,000.
Whoever told you that's a liar,
knew your gullible ass believed 'em.
I didn't believe it until now,
but you have a tell when you lie.
You squint your fucking eyes
every time you're lying, man.
- That's how I know you're lying.
- No, that's my go-to look.
Where are you going?
[Chester] We've been walking
for two hours. We haven't seen a car yet.
Sure this is the right way?
[Chris] How many times
will you ask me that?
But why are we walking
in the same direction
as the guy who tried to kill us
drove off in?
Look, the concert's the safest place.
All right, 15,000 people, metal detectors.
I got the tickets he was trying to sell.
All right? He can't get in.
What if he's thinking that
that's the one place we'll for sure be?
Right?
I thought you were gonna hitchhike home.
Why are you following me, huh?
There's a lot of desert here.
Fucking go another way.
What is that?
Seriously?
I'm not gonna follow you this time, Chris.
I'm done.
Wait up.
Chris, what are you doing?
What are you...?
Dude, Brazil is nothing like this.
There are beaches everywhere.
You're gonna love it.
[Chris] Yeah, it sounds great, dude.
I can't wait to go.
I don't think I can... I can't make it.
I'm so thirsty.
That's all right, man.
Come on.
- [pants]
- It's not far.
Okay, okay.
[motor roaring]
Oh, yes, yes, yes...
- [Chester] Oh. Okay. Come on. Hey.
- [Chris] Yo, yo, yo! Yo! Please!
- [Chester] I can help.
- [Chris] I got it.
Please! Please! Please!
Hi. Hi.
[woman] Look who it is.
Aren't you the douche
who stole my ex-boyfriend's tickets?
I feel sad.
And I feel angry.
Sure.
- I feel happy.
- Yeah.
And, like, I don't even know
what I'm doing here,
[chuckles] but lucky Carmen
had those two tickets.
She knows Jay's crazy.
He would never, ever give them to me.
Love is crazy.
- You know?
- I guess.
I mean, I'm old-school.
You know, I wanna meet someone.
I'm not into dating apps.
If we're meant to be,
you know, only God knows.
So, how do you know Sahara?
Oh. We used to work together back at TIYF
in high school.
Oh, TGIF? Um, Magic Johnson's place
on La Tijera, right?
No. TIYF. The strip club.
I'm gonna be honest,
and I'm sure it's the same for you.
The physical side's easy for me.
I can get that whenever I want.
But I wanna come here. You know?
I wanna come here.
And I wanna make you come there.
I wanna make you come in the heart.
Has that lame-ass line ever worked
on a girl?
Just trying to be a nice guy.
What are you talking about?
Do you still strip?
No. [Scoffs]
- Yeah.
- I'm a paralegalist now.
- Oh, that's good. Yeah. Yeah.
- Please.
[Sahara] Here we go.
- We'll just park the car.
- We'll meet you in line.
[Carmen] Okay. Save us a spot.
[Chester] Here. Oh, no, here. I got it.
Watch your head.
- Thank you.
- Of course.
- All right. Bye, guys.
- [Chester and Chris] Bye.
- Nice touch.
- Thank you.
- You know she's a stripper?
- Really?
Topless or all-nude?
- Uh... Full frontal, I think.
- Oh, great.
- Yeah.
- Where does she work?
Uh...
- Titties in Your... Titties in Your Face?
- Vermont and Washington?
- Yeah. You been?
- Yeah. It's a new location.
[indistinct chattering]
[Chester] So,
how do you know Sahara again?
I met her this morning.
When I got the tickets.
At the...?
You hit on the drug dealer's girlfriend,
stole his tickets,
- and his moonrocks?
- No.
Okay, good.
I stole the moonrocks and tickets,
and then I hit on her.
Oh, I forgot to tell you,
I sort of stole 800 bucks
- from your register.
- What?
How else could I get my car out
of the garage?
- Don't worry, I'll make your money back.
- You're always saying "don't worry."
I got moonrocks.
Uncut moonrocks. Want moonrocks?
- [man] Designer. FDA-approved.
- You a cop? Just kidding. Want drugs?
Actually, it's 175 for two.
You wanna do two?
Hundred for a gram. Moonrocks. Moonrocks.
We're at capacity.
They'll refund your tickets at the window.
Go home.
- It's over.
- [man 1] You kidding me?
- I've been waiting for hours, man.
- [man 2] Come on!
- You don't even know.
- [man 3] Hey, back up.
- Back away from the gate.
- [Chester] What's going on?
They're shutting it down.
Gotta find another way in.
- [man 4] I need backup!
- [man 5] Come on.
- [man 6] Let us in!
- [man 4] We're at capacity.
- [Chester] What?
- Come on.
[man 4] All tickets will be refunded
at the front desk.
Let's go.
[man 4] Back up. Back away, and stop...
[Chester] I got something I wanna tell
you. It's super important. Stay there.
[Chris] Yeah, what's up?
[both groaning]
- Ow.
- What the fuck?
You stole $800 from my register
and didn't tell me?
I did it for us, so we could come here.
I'm the one who gets in trouble for it.
You ever think of that?
What else haven't you told me, huh?
- Come clean now.
- What do you want me to say?
The truth.
- For once. Come on.
- What do you want me to do?
Recap every lie I've ever told
- in our relationship?
- Please.
Do you want me
to give a fucking Venn diagram
of all the mini-truths
and half-truths and somewhat-truths?
- Yeah.
- I don't know. I don't remember them all.
All right, let's start with Brazil.
- What about Brazil?
- Come on.
- Stop.
- Tell me.
- If you don't stop touching me...
- Fucking tell me.
- Don't fucking touch me.
- Tell me about Brazil.
What do you wanna know?
Are you going or not?
I was never going.
I was never going, Chester. I'm sorry.
I just wanted to hear you say it.
[crowd cheering]
Can we just go?
Can we just go to the concert?
["100 Roses" playing]
Yeah, all right.
Fuck it.
# 100 roses #
# For the dead #
# Heard they talking #
# Where they at? #
# 100 shots #
# For they head #
# They don't know me #
# They don't want it #
# I'm the man #
# Now you know it #
# I'm the man #
# I'm the coldest #
# Told my mama if I die
Then put them roses on my casket #
# If I burn in hell I hope
She smoking all my ashes #
# My city's in the race
Of whoever make it the fastest #
# I'm fucking past it
Knocking niggas like I'm Cassius #
# I ain't around, I ain't around #
# Where you at? #
# I heard they talking down
They talking down #
# No they ain't #
# You know Jacuzzi got the heat
I'm always up to something #
# But they only talking down
'Cause they ain't up and coming #
# Niggas talk about they money
Boy, I never see it #
# Boy, I'm everywhere you're not
I swear I'm never see you #
# Said you popping in your city
Man, I don't believe it #
# But when I come and shut it down
I swear you gonna feel it #
# 100 roses #
# For the dead #
# Heard they talking #
# Where they at? #
# I'm the coldest #
# Mystery me, mystery me #
# Dreamed about this shit
And then I got it, mission complete #
# Everybody wanna be the hottest
Tryna be me #
# Laughing when they think
They really balling I'm taking the lead #
[Chris] This is the best concert ever.
I could just pitch a tent
and, like, set up camp here.
Live off the land.
This is my Burning Man.
I mean, did you see yourself out there?
Everybody was like,
"Who's that cool guy dancing the samba
to rap music,
and, like, being really honest?"
- Seriously?
- Yes.
You should do more drugs.
- Oh, my God. Give me more. Come on.
- No. Chill.
- Not now. I gotta sell the rest.
- Come on. I want some.
- I'll give you more in a half-hour.
- I want it now.
- I'll piss on you.
- I'll tickle you
- if you don't give it to me.
- Oh, shit.
How fucking dumb are you, coming here?
I thought your ass was dead.
Who's that? Who's that?
You said you only had two tickets left.
- I assumed you told the truth.
- I'm a businessman. That's what I do.
Makes sense to me.
Basic supply-and-demand economics.
- Well, I trusted you.
- You stole my tickets.
Yeah. But as far as you knew, you know,
you lied before you knew
I stole your tickets.
So, technically, you know, you lied first.
You lied first.
- Try to mindfuck me?
- Try to mindfuck him?
No one mindfucks me. I mindfuck you.
I'll take your mind, stick my dick in it,
have my boys stick their dicks in it,
run a train on your mind.
- You have dicks on your mind.
- He doesn't know what he's saying.
- He's fucking drunk.
- I'm not drunk. I'm high.
- Shut up.
- From the moonrocks, but not high.
I'm not drunk, I mean. [Laughs]
I am fucked up.
[Chester chuckling]
You take my moonrocks?
I take your moonrocks? Yes.
Absolutely I did.
- And it was great.
- Jesus.
- Why'd you give him the backpack?
- Shut the fuck up.
Okay.
[gasps] Oh.
Where's the rest?
In the car.
- No, it's not. We wrecked the car.
- Yes, it is. Yes, they're in the car.
I swear. He doesn't know what he's saying.
Now, why? Why you gotta do that, man?
Shut up, Chester.
You are a beautiful,
glorious, majestic Asian dolphin,
and this society,
that's your Sea World, man.
I wanna set you free.
Come on, let's be friends.
Get the fuck off me
with that gay shit, coz.
Just, please, let us go
and I swear you'll never see us again.
- Don't worry. He's not gonna shoot us.
- That's your word?
I know the statistics.
Only 2 percent of people who get stuck up
in robberies actually get shot.
[gasping and screaming]
I don't get my stash
in the next 30 seconds,
the next one is going
through your friend's shoulder.
One last thing.
I just wanna know one last thing.
Does Medicare cover hip replacement?
- What?
- 'Cause when I'm 50 like you,
and I assume
that you can only do missionary,
I'm an ass guy.
I wanna get behind that shit.
But that's gonna require
a hip replacement,
or a nurse,
gently rocking you back and forth,
back and forth,
and I'm not into having a nurse watch me
get my fuck on all the time.
Hey, what the fuck you talking about?
Your jokes don't even make sense.
You don't get Medicare 'til you're 65,
coz.
- He would know. [Laughing]
- His jokes are stupid.
- His sense of humor is just mean.
- We're the same age. It is mean.
- He's fucking mean.
- Ageist motherfucker.
- We're both millennials.
- [gunshot, then screaming]
# I should be dead
I should be dead #
# I should be dead
I should be dead #
# I should be dead
I should be dead #
[Jay screams] Get the fuck off me!
[Chris] Let's go!
- Where's your car?
- [women] Hi.
Come on.
[screaming]
[Chris] Just come to work today.
It doesn't matter.
Yo, Danny's not gonna do shit.
If he was, there'd be,
like, cops around your place right now.
Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right.
[Chris] Hey, I almost forgot.
Hey. Here.
Man, this is like...
It's like a thousand bucks.
I'm repaying an old debt.
[chuckles]
What about the new debt?
Okay, baby steps.
Baby steps?
- Wanna come up front?
- [Sahara] Yeah. Let me out.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, of course.
- [Chester] Bye.
- [Sahara] Bye.
[Chris] Love you.
Yo.
There's a Nas concert in San Diego
this weekend.
Will you actually pay
for the tickets this time?
How else am I gonna get 'em, nerd?
- Bye.
- [Carmen] Don't forget to call me.
[woman moaning]
[woman] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do it, do it, do it. [Grunts]
Yeah.
[man on radio] You can reject God,
but he will not reject you.
I said, he will not...
He won't leave you
on the side of a road...
- He created every part of you.
- [grunts, then groans]
He knitted you together
in your mother's womb.
Do you not think of yourself
more highly than you are?
Well, do you?
I know the answer. I know the answer.
- God knows the answer.
- [cell phone ringing]
You ask and you do...
- Who's this?
- [Danny] The hell you been?
- I been waiting all night.
- You got my money?
Hey, bring four baggies for me, okay?
Don't ever tell me to bring you something.
Right? You ask for it.
I got it. But if you're not here in 20...
[man on radio]
a greater grace, and therefore it says.
God is opposed to the proud,
but gives grace to the humble.
You look like shit, man. You okay?
Fuck you. Where's my money?
- Don't have to count it. It's there.
- You ruined my count. Shut up.
What, are you depressed or something?
Are you all right?
You know,
every time we get together
it's all strictly business.
I never get to hear how you're doing.
You know, I don't hear about Jay.
You know? How are you doing?
Sahara and I broke up.
That's fucked up, man. Bring it in.
Bring it in. Come on, brother.
- That's fucking...
- [sobs] We broke up, man.
Let it out, bro.
[sobbing]
Um...
What does she know, all right?
She doesn't know what she's missing.
You're talented, you're thoughtful.
And look, you're like a drug-dealing,
Asian Brad Pitt.
I'm not the man I once was,
and people won't let me be, man.
They won't let me be, man.
I just wanna be. Just let me be.
You can be. You can be with me.
I don't give a shit.
You can be whatever you want around me.
What the fuck are you doing, bro?
You just said I could be
whoever I wanna be.
I just said that so you'd
stop making me feel uncomfortable.
- I mean, you gay?
- Oh, man. No!
- You straight?
- Yeah.
- Sometimes.
- Sometimes?
Sometimes I like men.
Sometimes I like women.
Sometimes I feel like a woman
who likes women, coz.
Just give me the fucking baggies,
get the fuck out of here.
I'm fucking tired of these labels.
I'm just trying to be honest with you,
man.
[siren wailing]
What are you doing? What are you doing?
What are you doing, man?
- Don't do it.
- Oh, motherfucker.
Don't pull... Don't do that.
No, no. Don't do it.
Hands up. Hands up. Drop the bag.
[sirens wailing]
[officer] Freeze! Hands in the air!
What took you guys so long?
What the hell?
The guy kissed me on the mouth.
You couldn't show up two seconds earlier?
- We all really enjoyed that, Danny.
- Just because I'm running a business here
you think I got some kind
of white-collar crime going on here.
It's fucking racist, man.
- Good day, Mr. Bryant.
- [Danny] Good day to you.
[Greg] Y'all see Mia Lee
from KCAL News outside?
She was eyeing your boy mad hard.
Yo, it was like she was jerking me off
with her eyes.
The craziest part about it? I came, nigga.
Okay. Back to work, everybody.
Break's up.
Greg, your break was up five minutes ago.
Back on the floor.
I thought we were cool.
I just took you to Jamba Juice.
Got you one with wheatgrass.
What the fuck?
[knocking on door]
Come on in.
- Danny.
- What's up, girl?
[clears throat] So...
there's some people here to see you.
It's 8:00 in the morning.
I don't know, but they asked for you.
They asked for me? Who did? Who is?
Who are they, asking for me?
I guess I'm pretty popular these days.
[chuckles]
Hey, guys.
Did you forget something?
Kind of.
- We have a situation here.
- Well, I'm sorry
I don't have any more bookies
to turn over to you.
I'm clean as a virgin's pussy.
That is wildly inappropriate.
We have a warrant for your arrest.
There was $1,800
unaccounted for yesterday,
and Mr. Winters claims that you stole it.
Know what? I'm glad you guys are here.
Because one of my employees,
Chester Tamborghini,
has a lot of explaining to do.
He's the one who's responsible
for that missing money.
He'll be here any minute.
Get those cuffs ready.
Well, if that's the case,
how do you explain the security footage
of you taking money
from the registers yesterday morning?
That's considered felony theft.
I don't know
what footage you're referring to.
Would you do me a favor?
Go down to my office,
and ask Mr. Winters
if he knows where I am.
Danny's hiding from you in the back room.
I don't have time for this shit.
You tell him if that money doesn't show up
by tomorrow morning,
the police will. Okay?
- Yep.
- Bitch!
[woman] Mr. Winters didn't say
who specifically turned over the footage,
but needless to say,
it'll hold up in court.
That girl's a criminal.
She probably took that footage
to George Lucas
and had my face CGI'd onto Chester's body.
Come on.
Pound it out, bro. You're under arrest.
I didn't take the money.
I didn't... I'm not... I swear to God.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can be used against you
in a court of law.
You don't have to do this.
I got cash with your name on it.
No one has to know, not even your partner.
Hey, Danny. Meet your new cell mate.
Oh, fuck. Get the fuck out of here.
I can't get in... I can't do this.
I'm not built for this.
- I'll give the money back.
- Come on.
- I'll give it back. Please.
- There you go. Make friends.
Be nice.
What's good, Danny?
[Greg] Hey, Chris.
Is Chester coming in to work today?
You know, I worked the morning shift,
but I can't do a double tonight,
because I got a date.
Got a date? With who?
Nope.
I'm not even falling for this one again.
No. I know how this goes.
Remember what happened with my last girl?
Stacey?
- The girl I met in church?
- Church is ringing a bell, yeah.
You fucked her.
I was gonna marry that chick
and you stole her from me,
you son of a bitch.
I bought her tickets
to Harry Potter World.
We were going all the way.
I was gonna get her a quidditch set,
buy her Butterbeer,
I was gonna get her a wand
- from Ollivanders...
- Just shut up for a second.
[Chester speaking in Portuguese]
English? Can you just speak English?
It's gonna be quicker that way.
Your Portuguese is kind of bad.
No offense.
One ticket to Sao Paulo, please.
- Brazil.
- Yes.
Wow. You must be really excited.
- I am. [Chuckles]
- Okay. When are you returning?
Not really sure, actually.
Okay, the only flight
I have available today
is in coach, and it's $697.
Wow, that's a lot of cash.
It was a gift from a friend.
[cell phone ringing]
Okay. Aisle seat okay?
- Sorry?
- Aisle seat?
Aisle seat's great.
Is that Chester?
Tell him I said "what's up?"
[Chester] Hey, it's Chester. I'm out
of the country. Service might be spotty,
but I'll get back to you
when I get a chance, ciao.
Gregory, you and I have the potential
to become very good friends,
but I need to know something important.
Yo, what's up, man?
Do you have a car? Or plan on buying one?
Because in my experience,
carpooling is essential
in building a very real friendship.
You know what's crazy?
I actually don't own a car.
- I like riding my bike to work.
- Shit.
It's better for the environment
and cheaper.
- Right.
- Know what we could do, though?
Tandem bikes. Tandem bikes, bro.
We can ride 'em around ironically,
like those hipsters in Highland Park.
What do you say? Hey.
You gonna leave me hanging like that?
For real, fam?
I'm not putting my hand down
until you come back.
Put your hands on your head! Now!
[man] What's the problem, officer?
The car you're in
has been reported stolen.
- Get out of the car nice and slow.
- Oh, shit.
[in Spanish]
I fucking hate Craigslist.
# Shit on my chest
Shoot colors like a care bear #
# All year see me tan
Hopping out the van #
# You wasn't there
Now you tryna show face #
# Fuck around, be a cold case #
# Chrome skates on an old day #
# Remote control chains
Promote dough for the veins #
# Poke chicks, hoes with vogue legs #
# Eat steaks off a cold plate
Stoned listening to Coldplay #
# Shit, you need to slow down, baby #
# My whole team
Cash and load out, baby #
# I'm a hero in my hometown, baby #
# Stop talking, just go down, baby #
# Long knife
By the spinal built like a rhino #
# Push the 635 to the finals #
# Pearl white like what you sniffin'
In your sinus #
# The finest vaginas
Demolished by my dick #
# One year from Queens to the top #
# Cream of the crop
Serve a fiend out my sock #
# Five minutes
Till they lean like the drop #
# Now they spinning through the furnace
Like the scene from The Rock #
# Hide spinach
Like a doomsday prepper #
# Every Sunday in my Tuesday leather #
# Now my beard look
Like Uday and Qusay #
# Play the pool on a cool day #
# Shit, you need to slow down, baby #
# My whole team
Cash and load out, baby #
# I'm a hero in my hometown, baby #
# Stop talking, just go down, baby #
# A lot of people
With their hands out now #
# Got these motherfuckers mad
'Cause I'm a stand out now #
# You never let the hammer off
You got the soft hands #
# I hear you singing for the boss man #
# I'm from a lost land
Spill coke on the heater #
# Drop a little sauce on the beater #
# Zero to 60 in a Porsche
Like a cheetah #
# New York I'm like Jeter, light Caesar #
# No hypebeaster, rock a nice sneaker #
# You get drugs for a good price #
# My price cheaper, guaranteed #
# My trunk snapping like a tambourine #
# Bodying these pussies
With a camera team #
# Uh! You better slow down, baby #
# Uh! You better slow down, baby #
# You better slow down, baby #
# I'm a hero in my hometown, baby #
# Oh, man
Look who just fucking pulled up #
# It's me #
Oh, really, fam? It's like that?
Really, nig? A'ight.
It's still up there.
I might have carpal tunnel from the time
- you didn't give me a high-five.
- What'd you say?
Ooh. Big C-Dawg.
I knew you wouldn't leave me hanging, bro.
Where'd we land with those
tandem bikes, huh? We rock it out?