There's a tornado watch|for a portion of West Texas.
Brian Chadwick is with the county|sheriff's office in Sweetwater.
We're trying to get the word out to|the community to brace themselves.
We hope this thing's not gonna|develop into a real funnel...
but after Saragosa, we're|not taking any chances.
The National Weather Service says|the storm is moving northeast...
and with the exception of some rain, it|shouldn't affect the Dallas-Fort Worth area.
That's news, sports and weather. I'm|Frank Castle for KGAB talk radio news.
From the heart of|the Lone Star state,
it's time for Dallas'|most popular talk show,
Night Talk|with Barry Champlaign.
# Bad to the bone #
The KGAB phone lines are open|and ready for your call...
at 555-TALK.
And now your host for Night|Talk, Barry Champlaign.
- The worst news|of the night is that...
three of four people say they'd rather|watch TV than have sex with their spouse.
The second worst news is that some|kids needed money for crack last night,
so they stuck a knife in the throat|of an 80-year-old grandmother...
down on Euclid Avenue|right here in Dallas.
One night|in one American city.
Multiply that by hundreds of|cities and what have you got?
A country where culture means|pornography and slasher films,;
where ethics means payoffs,|graft, insider trading,;
where integrity means Iying,|whoring and intoxication.
This country is|in deep trouble, people.
This country is rotten to the core and|somebody better do something about it.
Take your hand out of that bowl of|Fritos, throw away your National Enquirer,
and pick up the phone,|hold it up to your face...
and dial 555-TALK.
Open your mouth and tell me what we're|gonna do about the mess this country's in.
Talk radio- it's the last|neighborhood in town.
People don't talk|to each other anymore.
Let's go to|the first caller.
A lot of problems with the|country today have a lot do...
- with the continued exploitation|of the third world countries.
Wait. Third world countries? Where'd|you learn that phrase, in college?
Do you know what it means?|You're getting off the track.
We're not getting off the track,|we're getting on.
Josh, go back to college. When|you graduate, give me a call.
A prime example of that|uniquely American institution;
the concerned|bleeding-heart liberal...
looking for people with|problems he can call his own.
Francine in Oakline.|I'm a transvestite.
I'm trying to save money|for an operation...
What interest do you think your adventures|in surgery hold for my listeners?
It's something I have to talk|about. I don't. Night Talk.
Let me put you on hold. You slip|some testosterone into Barry's coffee?
The guy's possessed tonight.|He's a little tense.
Get outta here!
Sometimes I come home from work and|we have dinner together, you know?
No, I don't know. You have|dinner at the table with your cat?
With a tablecloth and|candles? No, Barry.
Just her own plate on the floor. Good.
But we eat the same things. Like if I|have a pork chop, she has a pork chop.
If I have a veal,|she has a veal.
Glenn, take my advice.
Stop hangin' around with|the pussy. Go find some.
I'm listening, Michael.|What's up?
Yeah, I heard your little|advertisement there for the pizza place.
Yeah, Jericho's Pizza. I love|that pizza. Don't you like it?
You sound like you'd love|it. I enjoy Jericho's Pizza.
What I wanted to say to you|tonight, Mr. Champlaign, was...
I have an interest in this place,|or at least, some friends of mine...
Just use one-syllables, Billy,|if it's difficult. Oh, Michael.
Hey, smart guy.|Just use one-syllable...
Smart guy?|We're being- Smart guy.
We got somebody with|a little lip on us tonight.
Hey.|Don't call me "Hey."
This is not a conversation. This|is a monologue. I talk, you listen.
Understand me?|Oh, yeah, we're listening.
Yes? Go ahead.
I don't want you makin' any more|comments about the pizza joint.
Do you have relatives that run the|place? People gotta make money on this.
Uncle Vinnie or someone?|There are people...
You know what, Michael?|You're a meatball.
- Debbie in Highland Park.|- My name is Debbie.
Hello, Debbie.|How old are you?
I'm 23.|Uh-huh.
What do you do?|I don't do anything.
When was the last time|you did something?
I don't know.|About a month ago.
What'd you do a month ago?|I went swimmin'!
Mm-hmm.|What do you do for money?
I got my brother.|I haven't made any.
Debbie, you're a leech.
Don't you think it's time you got|off your duff, started making money?
Well, not really.|I got everything I want.
But, Debbie, what do you need? Well...
What are you missing that|you need? A guy. A boyfriend.
A guy? What do you have|to offer a guy?
Well...
I have nice,|shiny long hair...
A guy could buy|himself a wig.
You can tell I don't have a wig.|It never falls off.
You're terrific, darling.|But seriously, Debbie.
Aren't you shooting for anything more|in life than looking for a free meal?
Not really.
You wanna lie around till you|find somebody to take care of you.
Yeah.|You're dynamic, darling.
Rhonda from Garland on the line.|Rhonda, you're on Night Talk.
Barry, I want to|express my views...
What are you doing, Steve?|Looking at this Dietz guy.
...up in New York City, givin'|out needles to drug addicts.
They have to do it to stop|AIDS. Clean needles help.
It's immoral for the|government of this country...
tax dollars to be|goin' to addicts.
But it's all right for our tax|dollars, four billion of them,
to go into a system|that's a complete joke.
More drugs than ever|are coming into this country.
Our courts, our jails|are clogged with cases.
The other night up in New York City,|crack dealers killed another cop.
Any kid who wants a hit|can get one. That's right.
When are we gonna|wake up, Rhonda?
When are we going to admit that drug|prohibition is not working in this country?
I think-|Know what I think?
I think we should legalize all|drugs, as sinister as that sounds.
That's the dumbest thing|I ever heard. Is it?
A junkie could go to a|drugstore, More stuff, Laura.
sign his name,|get the stuff for a buck...
then he doesn't have to rob or|kill for his habit. Thanks, Ellen.
You cannot let children|have drugs.
Why not? They're gonna|get it anyway. Why not?
In America today we're talking about|shooting up in the eighth grade.
We have a moral obligation|to the children.
Know what the most|dangerous drug is?
It's heroin.|No, it's legal.
It's tobacco.|It kills 350, 000 people a year.
You know how much coke, crack,|heroin, pot kill every year?
Four thousand people. Will you|listen to sense? Hello? Let me check.
Will you listen to logic,|please?
The only people who benefit|from prohibition...
are the gangsters|makin' the money on it,
the politicians condemning|it and gettin' your vote.
And who foots the bill?|You, Rhonda Q Sucker!
I beg your pardon!|It would end tomorrow.
The $200 billion drug problem in this|country could disappear overnight.
Legalize the damn stuff. Do it|today, right after this message.
I'm Barry Champlaign.|This is Night Talk.
We're gonna go to a message. I'll|be right back after I shoot up.
Who's the schlub?
Barry, Dan and I wanted to tell you|before the show we have some good news.
Barry? Dan, I can't talk|right now. I gotta take a leak.
I'll catch you later,|okay?
Stu, cool it with the baseball calls|and the transvestites. How's the lines?
I got five hanging on|already. Give me 45.
You got it. Barry, I'd like|you to meet Chuck Dietz,
V.P. in charge of advertising,|Metro Wave, Chicago.
Really? Very nice to meet|you. It's my pleasure.
I've been reading all|your press clippings...
and listening to tapes|of your shows for weeks.
And?|And you're really something.
You're very funny.|I try to amuse.
I'm in the middle of a show. I've|gotta move it along. Genius at work.
Metro Wave's picking up the show starting|Monday, linking it to a national feed.
Some people at Humphrey's Coffee|want to sponsor the show nationally.
We're at cold; 30, Bar.
Wait a minute. The show's going|national starting Monday night?
When did this happen?
- Don't I get a say in this? You know about this?|- Yeah.
Dan|- We didn't know anything about it until tonight.
No sense getting you all|excited until it panned out.
Chuck is here to be the eyes and|ears of Metro Wave, so to speak.
So to speak.|Fifteen, Bar.
Why don't you go ahead.|We can talk later.
We got a hot show. We're talking Larry King here|- coast to coast.
It's always a hot show,|Dan. Stu, find me a catheter.
Extra hot. We'll get a|contract for six months. Jawohl.
You're listening|to the best talk in Texas.
Barry Champlaign on KGAB.|You know about this?
Yeah. Chill, will you, Barry?|The bucks don't suck. Stand by.
555-TALK.|Yo.
Metro Wave Broadcasting|is a giant media corporation...
specializing|in broadcast radio.
It has 357|affiliate stations...
in the United States|and Canada.
Two minutes ago|I received a phone call...
from the man who controls|those 357 stations...
the president of|Metro Wave Broadcasting.
He asked me if Metro Wave|could pick up this show,
pick up Barry Champlaign for national|syndication, beginning Monday night.
I've had|these offers before,
and I've been asked in the past|if I could ever soften my touch,
go a little easier, and my|answer has always been the same;
Take it or leave it.
He took it.
And so,|beginning Monday night,
this show, Night Talk,|begins national broadcasting.
That means the nation|is listening.
You better have something|to say. I know I do.
And we have Chet from Mesquite|on the line.
Hello, Chet.|Hello?
You think you're so smart.|Hello?
Why are you always talkin'|about the drugs and niggers...
and homos and Jews?
Isn't there anything else to|talk about? You know what I hate?
I hate people who tell me what|they don't wanna talk about.
You don't wanna talk about blacks|and gays, why'd you bring them up?
Sounds like you like|talking about them.
Tell me what you wanna talk|about, or get off the phone.
Why don't you start telling|the truth? About what?
You know. People behind your|show, people who pay the bills.
Talking about the sponsors|now. Don't you act dumb with me.
What kind of a name|is Champlaign?
I want you to cancel my plane|reservations for tonight. You changed it?
I'm gonna come in tomorrow. Maybe|because it sounded too Jewish.
Call Freddie. Tell him to call me|tomorrow. Change the name, get a nose job,
same old story.|Chet, come on!
He started out a bit shaky. Your|attitude reminds me of a story.
Last summer|I visited Germany.
Wanted to take a look|at Hitler's homeland.
Are you familiar|with Adolf Hitler, Chet?
I'm familiar|with Adolf Hitler.
I bet you are.
I decided to visit the remains of a|concentration camp on the outskirts of Munich:
Dachau.
You join a tour group, go out by bus,|get out at the gate. It's chilling.
A sign over the gate says,|"Arbeit Macht Frei. "
It means, "Work will make you free"|- something the Nazis told their prisoners.
You still listening to me,|Chet? I'm counting your lies.
Good. I wanna make sure|you're hearing them.
I'm walking around this concentration|camp, and I see something on the ground.
I picked it up.|Guess what I found, Chet?
A tiny Star of David.|Very old.
Who knows? It might've belonged to|one of the prisoners at the camp.
Maybe a small boy|torn from his parents...
as they were dragged off|to the slaughterhouse.
I kept that Star of David.
I know I shouldn't have, but I did.|I keep it right here on my console.
I like to hold it|sometimes.
In fact, well...|I'm holding it right now.
I like to hold it in my hand|to give me courage.
Maybe some of the courage that small|boy had as he faced unspeakable evil...
can enter me as I face|the trials in my own life...
as I face the cowardly|and the narrow-minded.
The bitter, bigoted people who|hide behind anonymous phone calls...
full of hatred|and poisonous bile.
The gutless,|spineless people...
like you, Chet,|who make me puke!
Keep talkin', Jewboy.|Life is short.
Stu, let's send|a microwave oven out to Chet.
And we have Kent on the line.|Yeah, Kent?
I need help.|Shoot.
I like to party|with my girlfriend.
How old are you?|Nineteen.
How old's your girlfriend?|Seventeen.
Okay, go ahead. So we|like to party, you know?
When you're partying, where|are your parents? On a vacation.
He's so excited about it.|Look at him.
I think it's Fiji.|Is that right?
Is there a place called Fiji? Excuse|me. I'm gonna take care of some stuff.
Your parents are on vacation in a|place called Fiji, and you're partying.
Yeah, that's what I wanted|to ask you about, Bar.
See, we've been partying|for a couple of days. Uh-huh.
Smokin' coke, crack.
Free-base.
Sounds pretty sordid, Kent. You've|been smoking crack with your girlfriend.
What else you been up to?|Drinkin'.
Mm-hmm.|I don't know.
I drank a bottle of 100-proof whiskey|yesterday 'cause I was gettin' paranoid.
Jill was doin' some acid|with some Valium.
It was...
Kent, you need to call a|doctor, have your stomach pumped.
Let me give you a number to|call. That's why I'm callin' you.
Why?|It's Jill.
She's been sleepin' a long time|- No, no, no.
She's been sleepin'|and she won't wake up.
Don't waste my time with this baloney.|When you get outta detox, give me a call.
She's turnin' blue.|She's turning blue?
Great. Just give Stu your address|and we'll send an ambulance there now.
Give Stu your address, we'll|send an ambulance in two minutes.
I can't! I can't! I'm gonna|get your address. Kent, hello?
Hello?
I'm really glad people like Kent|are out there and I'm inside here.
We're gonna go to|a little commercial break now.
Whoo-whee! Jericho's Pizza, down|Route 111 at the Jericho Turnpike.
They got pizza you'll never forget. One|slice, you don't have to eat for a week.
I saw a guy in there combing his hair with|his stuff off the plate. Jericho's Pizza.
We have the news and weather coming up,|then we'll be back with more Night Talk.
Here's your mail.|You read it.
What's the problem tonight?|Fight with the old lady?
No, there's no problems.|Throwing me some real curve balls.
What's wrong with curve|balls, Bar? Some call.
It's a hoax.|How can you be sure?
A hoax. Stu, who's this|Henry? You didn't give me this.
Who's Denise from Fort|Worth? I didn't get that.
- Maybe Laura should take the calls.|- These people were stiffs.
You want stiffs, I'll|give you stiffs. No, Stu.
I don't want stiffs. Am I|speaking English? Read my lips.
Keep the show moving,|give me stuff I can work with.
You having trouble understanding|me? No, I'm not having trouble.
As a matter of fact,|I read you loud and clear.
Good!
Barry?
Barry.
Honey, just relax.|Everything's under control.
It's my ass on the line,|not yours.
All you have to do|is just be nice.
Okay?|Just for tonight.
You be nice, Laura.|It's what you're good at.
You're not gonna lose|even with a 15...
Jerry, I'm gonna put you on|hold. Something wrong, Barry?
I can't work with him breathing|down my neck. I want him out now!
I have your contract right here. Why|don't you take it and look it over.
You dump it on me the Friday|before it's gonna happen.
You stick some putz|in the middle of my studio.
I feel like I'm auditioning|for my own job!
Barry, calm down.|You don't care.
Just stick me out there,|see how it goes.
Doesn't work out, flush Barry|down the toilet, right?
You're not gonna get me to apologize|for getting you a slot on national radio.
I worked very hard on this deal,|and I'm happy with it.
If you're not,|we tear up the contract,
we don't do|the Metro Wave hookup.
Big mistake, guy. I think it's worth the|gamble because I think the show is good.
Barry, you are good. And it will|blow them away everywhere it's heard.
Dietz goes with the deal.|Grin and bear it.
You do your job,|I'll do mine.
Did you run Sani Clean|before the news?
Yes, I did.|You up with your log?
There's a Harry's, a Firestone,|a logo. They're all on track.
Good. Don't let it get to|you. It's been a strange night.
There's nothing strange about it.|How long you been working here?
Four months. How long you|been sleeping with him?
Listen, Ellen.|I was gonna cheer you up.
Metro Wave, the network, is picking|up the show. We're going national.
Oh, my God. In Chicago|too? Yeah, in Chicago too.
It's not that simple-|You must be so excited!
Yeah, of course|I'm excited.
We got this character here from|the company keeping an eye on me.
I'll be right off the phone. Ellen,|will you tell him you're talking to me?
I like this stuff. Nights like|tonight are what it's all about.
You either get used to it|or you get lost.
That's what his wife did|- left him. So did the two producers who were here before you.
But big Stu stayed,|didn't he?
I don't have to take his shit. I'm|not his wife. You're not, but I am.
This is not the best time|forme to talk.
Yeah, yeah.|I'm sorry I'm calling so late.
It's just that This is|important. Barry, 20!
I need your help with something.|I never ask you for anything and...
Barry...
Can you come to Dallas|over the weekend, till Tuesday?
What? I need someone|here I can trust. It's...
- It's important.|- Damn it! Come on!
I don't think he's|gonna let me. Forget it.
Forget it.|Don't come.
He answered,|"The night he didn't come home. "
No, that happened all the time.|Ellen?
I'm thinking, okay?
Five, Bar.
Allright. Sunday? You pick me|up at the airport. Strap in, Bar.
Yeah, I'll be there.|Here we go.
- Look, I gotta go. Bye.|- You're listening to the best talk in Texas.
The phone lines are open, and|your calls are invited now...
at 555-TALK.
Bob, what a relief.|How you doing tonight?
Terrific.|Very well, thank you.
I hope you're not gonna get|too busy to take my calls.
No show is complete without|your call. How are the legs?
They're fine|- an ache or two. But you know what I say?
When they give you lemons,|make lemonade.
You can't cry over spilled|milk. Cry, and you cry alone.
You can't lose|what you never had.
Because you don't know|what you got until you lost it.
So don't lose hope.|This too shall pass.
Because today is the first day|of the rest of your life.
Yeah, and it's always darkest|before dawn. Bob, could I just...
People think that life in a wheelchair|must be the worst thing in the world.
That's not the way|I look at it.
I imagine the worst thing|in the world would be...
bein' unthankful for all the good|things that come our way everyday.
The smiles on little children,|flowers bloomin',
little birds chirpin', sittin' on the|buddin' branches on a bright spring day.
Why, hell, just the sun comin'|up every day is a miracle.
I couldn't agree with you more,|especially that part about the sun.
We get bogged down in our daily troubles|and we forget about the simple things.
Oh, I forgot one more thing|to be thankful for.
What's that?|The Barry Champlaign show.
Thank you, Bob.|Listen, we gotta run.
Know you can't, but we can. So God bless you|- One more thing.
Don't put all your eggs in one|basket. A bird in the hand...
- Good night. And we have-|- Debbie, you still there?
- Turn your radio down. Stop crying.|- Well, I'm black.
Good for you.|What do you want? A medal?
Well, no, I don't. Don't play|with me like them other people.
I want you to know...
that I enjoy listening to your show,|and I want to say, I like you Jews.
Well, I like you blacks.|I think everyone should own one.
What I mean to say is,
Uh-huh. I have many|friends who are Jewish.
Really? How many?|Well, three or four.
I wouldn't call that "many."|They're very nice people.
They're educated|and they're good in business.
John, I don't know how to break this to you,|but you'll never get in the B'nai B'rith.
You're black. Don't you know|how Jews feel about blacks?
They hate you! They see you schwartzes on|the street, they cross to the other side.
You know those slums in south Dallas|where the rats eat babies for breakfast?
Jews own those slums! What do you mean, I|love Jews? Are you some kind of Uncle Tom?
What the hell you know about|Uncle Tom? I think brotherhood...
I don't care what you think!|No one does!
You wanna know why? Because you're|trying to kiss the master's butt.
What? You call me up, try to get|deep on how much you love Jews.
You're Iying. You hate them.|You hate me!
I don't kiss nobody's butt!|Sure you do! You kiss my butt.
You're kissing my butt right now.|If you weren't, you'd hang up on me.
I don't wanna hang up on you!|Then I'll do you the favor.
- Night Talk.|Debbie, you're on.
Barry?|Mm-hmm.
This is Debbie again.
Oh, Debbie. Right.
She of the long hair,|my zombie queen, my fantasy.
How are you, my belle?|Bad.
I've been thinkin' about|what you said.
I wanna ask you somethin'.|Yeah?
What's wrong with me?|What?
Chet's back. You've had Debbie on twice.|I don't think you should take the call.
Barry? I can handle|it. Just shoot it to me.
This is too important. I'm not gonna jump|through hoops tonight just because of this...
Please,|tell him to put it on.
Yeah, Debbie, look,|you should see the shape I'm in.
I mean, nothing a good plastic surgeon|or a glass of cyanide wouldn't fix.
I mean, you're young. You got|your whole life ahead of you.
Why don't I go anywhere?
Well, you gotta|stand up first.
I mean, every journey|begins with a single step.
You gotta go for it,|pumpkin.
Me and Linda used to go out,|but she moved to Houston.
Yeah- Heh!|Listen, Debbie, Debbie.
You got two arms and two legs? Yeah.
Are you blind?|No.
You got a belly button?|Yeah.
Two belly buttons?|No, I got one.
Are you sure?|Have you looked lately?
Yeah. I got one.|You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be just fine.
And we have... Chet from|Mesquite on the line. Chet?
So now everyone in the country|can hear your big mouth flap.
Chet, so nice|to hear from you again.
Shouldn't you be out burning|crosses or molesting children?
I'd rather be talking to you.|How about training pit bulls?
Think you're so smart.
You get the package|I sent down to the station?
Package?
You got it, I know you did.|You sent me a present?
I couldn't decide whether|to use a timer or not.
You'll have to find that out|when you open it.
You're telling me|you sent me a bomb in the mail?
Wrapped in brown paper. I know|you're lookin' at it right now.
You just take some C-4,
roll it in a pile of nuts and bolts|and pebbles, and it does the job.
Sounds interesting, Chet.|I didn't receive your package.
Sure you sent it to the|right address? You got it.
If I were you, I'd have my pretty|assistant give the police a call.
Take the bomb squad|ten minutes to get there.
Why should I call|the bomb squad, Chet?
Because some pinheaded redneck moron|tells me there's a bomb in my mail?
He who laughs last...
Shut up!
Night Talk.|Denise, you're on.
I'm scared, Barry. What|are you scared of, babe?
Nothin' specifically,|but on the other hand...
it's like everywhere I go...
Mm-hmm. Yeah?
Barry, you know,|we've got...
a garbage disposal in our|kitchen sink. Yeah, it's fine.
Tell Dan my mail|is my business.
This is not funny. You tell|Dan my mail is my business.
You know how that feels when you have|to reach down there into that gook...
and put your hand around?
Who knows what|could be down there?
Dan, I hope you're not calling the cops.|If you are, I'm gonna get really pissed off.
Get off the phone|or I walk.
There's germs you can't even|see. Don't waste my time, man.
Hang it or I walk!|They grow there.
Hang it up! They come back up the pipes.
- Salmonella, yeast, cancer, even|the common cold. Who knows?
But, Barry, even without|all of that, what if...
and I'm just sayin'|what if...
what if that disposal came on|while your hand was down there?
And it goes around and around|- Denise, tell me something.
You're telling me that you're afraid of the|garbage disposal in your mother's kitchen?
Well, it's not just|the garbage disposal.
I like things|to be clean, Barry.
How often does|this happen?
Couple times since|I've been here.
Like the houses on our street. Used|to be we knew who lived on our street.
But that was years ago. Now all|different kinds of people live here...
foreigners,|people with accents.
Are they sanitary? Why|don't you ask one of them?
That would be a nice idea to|just go to somebody's house...
and knock on their door,
but what if a serial murderer|lived there?
What if Ted Bundy|lived there?
What if he was sittin' inside watchin'|television, and I came to the door?
"Why, you just come right on|in here, Denise, " he'd say.
That's why I don't go to|strange people's houses anymore.
I keep the doors locked at all times,|but that's not gonna solve anything.
You're not gonna stop a plane from|crashin' onto your house, are you?
No. The mailman brings|me unsolicited mail.
The postage stamp could've been|licked by somebody with AIDS.
My mother's a threat to my life|just by persistin' to go out there.
- Out where? Where does your mother go?|- Barry...
Barry, did you know there's this|terrible dust storm in California?
It has these fungus spores|in it, and these spores...
get into people's lungs|and their bloodstream...
and it grows,|and then it kills them.
Strange air.|Strange air, Barry.
Oh, I hear my mother's key|in the door.
Strange air.|Well, uh...
That about wraps up another thrilling|episode with the man you love to love.
Gotta go home now,|take care of the goldfish.
Stay tuned, 'cause Monday's when|Night Talk begins national syndication,
allowing the good folks of Dallas|to have verbal intercourse...
with the rest of the U.S.A.
But don't go away yet.
If you've got any psychological|problems or you're just plain suicidal,
Dr. Sheila Fleming is here, and she'll|be glad to give you some dubious advice.
Or if you're just a level headed, happy,|normal person, you can turn the radio off.
Until Monday, this is Barry|Champlaign reminding you that...
sticks and stones can break your|bones, but words cause permanent damage.
# Bad to the bone|B- B-B-B-Bad #
It's time to strap him up and wheel|him away for his weekend therapy.
But Barry Champlaign will be back|with more Night Talk Monday...
on KGAB, Dallas.
Barry, my man.|What's happenin'?
The coach is here. You're gonna say|a few words and then give him the cup,
and then he's gonna talk. Yeah.
Now, you're gonna be|introduced by Mel in the booth.
Got it.|You hear the show last night?
A great show.|Great show.
Listen, I never got that autographed|picture that you promised...
so I can hang it|in my restaurant.
You were supposed to send it over|three weeks ago. It slipped my mind.
Slipped your mind? What mind? What|could be more important than that Dino?
I'll send it over first thing|tomorrow. Don't go to any trouble.
No trouble.|Where is he?
There he is.
Stick around. You are the|greatest, Barry! All right.
See you.|See you later.
He's a great guy, huh? Of course he is.
He thinks you're God.|What bit you in the ass?
You're pissed' cause I tell you to get|a picture for the guy, which is your job.
I'm pissed because you haven't said two|words to me all week except to boss me around.
We work together. That's the deal.|I'm the boss. I boss you around.
It's more than that. It's like you're|always angry with me. Excuse me.
You're Barry Champlaign,|aren't you? Yeah.
Can I have an autograph?|Thanks. Sure thing.
Hi.|Hi.
Here you go.|Thanks a lot.
I love your show.
Okay, see you later.
Back in the cage.
I used to listen to your show|when I was in high school.
I'm supposed to be doing my homework, and|- Barry?
You wanna make it out|to Joe Bob, please? Sure.
You should have called. I would|have come and tucked you in.
Thanks, Barry.|God bless.
God bless you,|Joe Bob.
The show going national is|important. Let's work together.
Just be a little more careful|around this guy Dietz.
This is a big thing,|Barry.
Right. I'm not greasing|my way up a pole.
I resent it that when I talk to|you like your producer... All right.
you treat me|like a girlfriend,
and when I talk to you like your|girlfriend, you treat me like your wife.
I'm not following the drift|of this conversation.
We work together, we|sleep together. That's it.
I didn't know when we started seeing each|other I was enrolling in a self-help course.
If I'm angry,|that's who I am.
For better or for worse, that's|what got me where I am today.
If you think it's tough on the outside,|just be thankful you weren't born me.
I've gotta be out of my mind|picking a fight with you.
You a little moody today?|Is that the problem?
Excuse me. Are you|Mr. Barry Champlaign?
Uh, maybe.
Could I have your autograph? Sure, sure.
You do a great job|on the show.
I couldn't do it without you. Thank you.
I listen to your show|all the time.
I think you're a sick,|foul-mouthed, disgusting man,
and you make people really|nauseous 365 days a year.
It just goes to show what masochists|people are, they listen 365 days a year.
I don't know why they leave your|show on the air. Let's get outta here.
Everybody I know hates it. It|makes me wanna throw my radio out.
Let's go. If you don't like|the show, why do you listen?
'Cause I'm waitin' for a better|program that's on later.
Waiting for another program? There|are 30 other shows on in Dallas.
You listen to my show|every night. Makes sense.
I feel real sorry for you, and I think|you should be ashamed of yourself.
- You're such a pathetic nerd.|- I should be ashamed?
At least I don't show up in public, half in|the bag, making an utter jerk out of myself.
You have no credibility. You|like what I do. You need me.
But you have no sense of humor, which|is why you can never enjoy the show,
which is why you're a loser, like|all people who have no sense of humor.
And you are categorically|one of them. Good-bye.
- Furthermore- - Lady, what|the hell is the matter with you?
What'd you do? What|happened to your suit? Jesus.
All right,|you're gonna be fine.
Come on. Let's go.
All of us are here for something very|important and exciting at S.M. U.,
and I think you know|what I'm talking about.
Who's ready for a new beginning?|How about Mustang football this fall?
That's what I thought.
Now|- Now, to introduce the new man in charge of football here at S.M.U.,
our own KGAB radio personality-|the man you love to love...
ladies and gentlemen,|Mr. Barry Champlaign!
Thank you. On my way|over here tonight, I...
I was finding out that...
They love me.|They really love me.
Ladies and gentlemen,|let's calm down.
A different kind of welcome|than I've ever experienced.
Barry?
Barry!
Barry.
Hello? Laura, it's Dan. Is Barry there?
Hang on a second.
It's Dan.|Hmm?
Did I wake you up?|I'm sorry.
No, I always get up ten hours|before I have to go to work.
It's Sunday, your day off|from self-loathing.
You said you didn't want Dietz breathing|down your neck, so we had a drink.
He's a sharp guy. Loves you, loves the show.|You should sit down with him, have a chat.
Is he gonna give|you orders now?
I figured you'd look at it that way,|so I set up a meeting for Sunday brunch.
What? He's got some great ideas, Bar.
The guy wouldn't know an idea|if it crawled on his kneecap.
Just hold your horses|for one minute.
Chuck and I decided before we hit national|air we should establish a few ground rules.
Ground rules? What is this, Dan?|A radio station or an airport?
Will you shut the fuck up and|listen? No, I won't listen to you.
I knew that when that corporate cannibal|came into my studio I was in trouble.
What difference does it make|to you? It's just a show, right?
Are you saying I don't care? Nobody cares|more than I do. I don't wanna hear it.
I'm gonna come in tomorrow night, I'm|gonna do the same show I do every night.
And blow the deal.|If it means that, yes.
I do my show, or I don't|do a show. Good-bye.
You f...
I gotta take a piss.
Hello?|Is Barry there?
Who's calling, please? Look, I'm|in a rush. Could you just get Barry?
Barry, phone again!|It's a woman!
Get her number. I'll call|her back. He'll call you back.
It's a pay phone. I can't|call you back. Who is this?
Look, just tell Barry|it's his ex-wife. Huh!
It's a pay phone. She can't you|call back. It's your ex-wife.
Shit.
Give me that. Ellen, hi. I'm|down at the airport. Remember?
What airport? Dallas. What|do you think? It's Sunday.
You told me to be here.|Uh, well, great.
Are you too busy,|or are you coming to get me?
Yeah. No, I'm not busy.|I'm just doing some work here.
Who answered the phone? I|thought you said you were alone.
It's just my secretary. Look,|Ellen, what airline are you on?
American Airlines.|Maybe I should just leave.
No, you stay there. I'll|see you in 20 minutes, okay?
You better be here. Yeah,|I'll see you in 20 minutes.
Are you allright? I'm fine.|I'll see you in 20 minutes.
Okay. See ya. Bye.
I gotta get her now.
Where are my shoes?
What?|Don't give me that look.
Hey.
Hey, come here. She wants to|be here for the national show.
What am I supposed to do?|Say no? Huh?
What did Dan want?
Wants me to come in|and kiss Dietz's ass.
I told him|to kiss my microphone.
Look, uh...
Can you clean up around here|a bit before you go? Huh?
Where's my shoes?
I'll call you later,|okay?
You look nice.|Thanks.
You look great.|You look good too.
Except for my wrinkled clothes. Except for|- I miss you, so what?
So what have you been doing? I hate when|you call me in the middle of the night.
Lou is so pissed off at me,|I had a fight.
I had a fight at the end of this|with Lou. You're too good for Lou.
Don't start, Barry.|Barry, don't start.
You been going to a health|club? You're such a jerk.
Excuse me? You been going to|a health club or something?
Why?|You look dynamite.
I left you. I look|dynamite 'cause I left you.
Jesus. I spend time,|a little, on my own self.
I'm working too. I'm not|at someone's beck and call.
Ellen this, Ellen that.|I want this, I want that.
I may not have worked for you|- You just have to bring him food. Is that basically it?
Don't start. "Bring me|another plate of spaghetti. "
You're such|a troublemaker.
Why doesn't he go to the health|club? Probably can't fit in the door.
He does. Barry!
Hey, I have no bad feelings|about Lou.
I'm glad he's so lucky.
You know, I'm glad that somebody's|treating you nice for a change.
I have some time for myself.|It's kinda, you know, it's...
When I was with you, I spent|so much time taking care of you,
and Lou sometimes|even takes care of me.
Um...
I don't know.|It's a different lifestyle.
You're like a carnival,
and he's more like|homogenized milk.
Why are you staring at me?
I miss you.
I miss you too.
What's this hold|you have on me?
Love.
I'm sorry. I'm not supposed to|say stuff like that. I forgot.
Barry, what do you want me to|do? Fall in love with you again?
Is that what this is about? I|don't want you doing anything.
I mean, you're here. That's all I|- I'm happy that you're here.
I- I don't know- I have to|go at the end of the day...
or tomorrow...
and I can't keep coming|back and forth.
I- You know,|you've got success.
You know, the most important thing is,|you've got to start loving yourself.
You got that. You are good.|You are wonderful.
Now, feel it and know|you have to have a life.
Find someone with a soul. Mm-hmm.
Don't just fall in love|with some girl's body.
I mean, you do like a|girl's body, didn't you?
The only problem was I got|caught. Yeah, what can you do?
Maybe you should've stayed|at your mom's that day.
Tony, keep the taper nice|and tight around the waist.
Judge wants to look hot|for his old lady.
Don't you think these lapels are|too much for an awards ceremony?
Judge, everyone's gonna be wearing|these lapels by this time next year.
Wait and see. You need|a shirt to go with that.
What do you think about|that referendum coming up?
I was gonna ask you the|same question. Perfect.
Throwin' this in free of charge. Gift|from me and Teddy. Very kind of you.
Judge, you bring out the|woman in me. You're gorgeous.
Hey, good-looking.
Tony, why don't you show the|judge back to the dressing rooms.
I'll just take this|up for you. Thank you.
Been out shopping? Buy any|see-through undies? Uh-huh.
I thought we'd have|lunch together.
Love to, babe.|Having lunch with the judge.
He's gonna help me out with that|zoning variance for the nightclub.
Okay, work's important.|What about dinner?
I can't.|Moe Thompson's stag party.
City Council president.|Come on.
Make sure there are no women. Hey.
Tomorrow night, you and me, dinner,|just the two of us. The Caprice?
Promise? Flowers? Mariachi|bands? I promise. Tablecloths.
Barry.|Music. What, Vince?
Someone you gotta meet. Guess who|this is. Go ahead, guess. What, Vince?
I have no idea.|Your Cousin Al.
No. What a joker.|Jeff, say something.
What is this, performing seal|time? Cut another caller off.
You're history. Ptt!|You're on Talk of the Town.
You're Jeff Fisher.
In my store. I can't believe it.|I listen to your show all the time.
You're great, man. You look|different than I thought.
You thought I'd be 6'2", in spurs? Yeah.
This is my wife, Ellen.|Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, the craziest people|call in that show.
I think of calling|myself sometimes.
You're too shy, right?|I can tell.
Don't I listen all the|time? He thinks you're God.
Thank you, sir. Wish we had|your picture. We could put it up.
I'll send you one.|You've got quite a voice.
Voice?|You ever do radio?
I've thought of doing some|radio. Only came in for a second.
I gotta run. Listen, Vince,|send the jacket to my home.
- Uh- Uh- What's your name?|- Barry. Barry Golden. Yeah.
Anytime you're in the|neighborhood, stop by the station.
Love to show you around, let you|say a couple of words, Yeah, sure.
sell some suits,|plug the store.
My secretary'll send the picture. Don't|forget the sleeves. Nice meeting you.
Bye-bye!|Bye!
The topic is|fantasy love affairs.
Who would you like to have|a love affair with?
We're here with our good friend,|Barry. What's your name this week?
Barry Champlaign, man. Barry|Champlaign, man, is here,
and he has said "his wife." Mm-hmm.
These are supposed to be|famous people,
unless your wife's gotten around|a lot more than I think she has.
Come on. Your wife's|not listening, okay?
Who would you really like to|get up close and personal with?
Marie Osmond, I think, is very|sexy. That's one for Marie Osmond.
In black leather, yeah.|The studio fish is blushing.
She is sex incarnate, man.|She's a Mormon, isn't she?
Mormons believe in bigamy. Marie,|I want to marry you right now.
Come down to the station.|I want you, Marie.
Okay! We'll take another caller.|Yeah, you're on Talk of the Town.
Yeah, you know what I think? You|two are a couple of liberal pinkos.
That's what I think. Are you|two homos? Is that what you are?
You know what you are,|my friend, you are history.
Wait.|The caller has a point.
It's true, sir, indeed,|Jeff Fisher and I are lovers.
Have been for the last 15 years. In|fact, we're holding hands right now.
Probably nigger lovers too.|Yeah, what race are you, sir?
I'm white,|and I'm proud of it.
As one white man to another,|let me ask you a question.
Do you know how much white Americans|spend every year on suntan lotion?
$165 million!
That's a lot of money to spend|just to turn brown.
You know why they wanna turn|brown? Jeff, do you know why?
Let's take another caller.|This is an interesting question.
They wanna turn brown because|they secretly want to be black.
You know why they wanna be black?|These and other questions...
Because they feel|sexually inferior.
You're a smart-mouth homo.|That's what you are.
Okay, okay.|You're an inbred throwback...
Ha-hoo! It's a Texas rodeo, yes|indeed. We'll hose 'em down...
and be right back|after this commercial break.
When I say "cut, "|you stop talking.
We've been through this before.|You're fun and the audience likes you,
but I'm not gonna lose|my license over this shit.
Why would you lose|your license?
It's called Standards and Prac|- Jeff, pick up seven.
Thank you. Standards and Practices.|You ever heard of it? Yeah?
Oh, he's funny, yeah.
Yeah, right, yeah, sure.
Sells suits.
Tomorrow at 10:00?
I'll ask him.|Hold on.
Can you come in tomorrow|morning, meet the boss at 10:00?
- What for?|What I would do is...
have a swimming pool|and a sauna...
Boring. Come on,|you could do better than that.
Line four. Nancy, what would|you do with a million bucks?
Barry,|I just love your show.
Send me your measurements and a nude|photograph, and I'll get back to you.
Line one, Frank in Grapevine.|Yeah, Frank?
I'm a Chicano-|Good for you. I'm a Jew.
Now, this is serious, dude.|Wrong show.
Look, Stu, I don't think we've had a decent|answer to this question all night long.
Now, come on, people,|you gotta give me a good answer,
Yeah, hold on.|or I'm gonna punish ya.
Okay, let's go to...
Let's go to|- Here, talk to Barry. Come on. Talk to Barry.
Line one, you're on. Say something,|anything. Ready? Say something.
Say something. Uh,|yeah, this is Cheryl Ann.
What are you gonna do with|a million bucks, Cheryl Ann?
If I had a million bucks, I would|buy my own radio transmitter...
and start my own|talk show,
so I wouldn't have to listen|to your voice.
If you hate my voice so much,|why don't you change the station?
I can't.|Why not.
I'm in prison, and the warden|picks the shows we listen to.
Good. You're Iying. You love my voice.
I hate your voice.|You love my voice.
It's a love-hate situation. You|can't get enough of my voice.
Come on. Admit it.|You're full of it!
If you don't love my voice,|then hang up. Come on. Hang up.
You love me. Come on.|Hang up. Hang up!
I hate you,|Barry Champlaign!
Beautiful. I love it.
Not good enough. Folks,|you let me down once again.
For that,|you must be punished.
This is the Bee Gees, and this|one's going out to you, Cheryl Ann,
singing "Saturday Night Fever"|ten times in a row.
- Best call we've had in|a couple of weeks, I swear.
That was great, honey. We gotta|get Cheryl Ann calling more often.
They're eating this stuff up, Barry.|See that piece in the paper today?
The thing about me looking for|a bodyguard? Great publicity.
You want this ten times|in a row, seriously?
No, make it three times.|I'll be back in a minute.
Three it is.|Beautiful show. I love it.
# Burn, baby, burn #
# Burn, baby, burn #|In here?
Ooh.
That was great.|The kiss or the call?
Dan just gave me|some good news.
I'm getting|the 10:00 a.m. slot.
He's hiring a producer|just for my own show.
Oh, Barry, that's wonderful.|Yeah. You wanna do it?
Huh? You'd be the best person to do it.
You're smart, you're hardworking,|you do everything I tell you to do.
Um, Barry, I think you|better get someone else.
I don't think it's a good|idea. It's a great idea.
Come on.|You gotta do it.
No, I don't think so. Do|it. Come on. I need you.
Barry, if I work for you, the|fun would go out it, you know?
There'd be a lot of tension. It|might even screw up our marriage.
Fuck our marriage. Come on.|This is important. I need you.
Don't you want the show to be as good|as it can be? Aren't you behind me?
You gotta be joking.|Of course I'm not joking.
You just said,|"Fuck our marriage."
I'm joking.
This is getting really boring.|I'm gonna switch it, all right?
I just thought that...
Forget it.
I'm very proud of you.
It's wonderful for you.
Come on. Okay?
Hmm?|Come on. Okay?
Barry?
Baby, I don't wanna go|in the sink.
Yeah! In the sink!
I don't wanna go|in the sink.
Oh-ho!|Hi, Ellen!
Hi, Stu.
Are you having a party?|Yeah, a sink party.
Oh, uh, hi, hon. My mother wasn't|feeling well, so I decided to come home.
Ellen, I thought you|and your mother were...
uh-|Eh...
Um, what...
what are you two up to?
Look, I better go out and|come back in. Barry, come back.
You cut me off!
Hey, Theresa, come here.|Come with Stuey,
and have a Stuey sandwich|with Mimi and Stuey.
You want one?
No.
He became a millionaire.|How about that?
Brings back memories.
A lot of changes. I'm|nicer, I make more money...
and I only hang up|on one out of seven.
...with Dallas' own Mr.|Popularity, Barry Champlaign.
I'm Sidney Greenberg, reminding|you that it's not how much you take,
it's how much|you take home.
Hey!
How's Chicago? You look great.|Great. You look great too.
Ellen, what are you|doing here?
I couldn't miss|Barry's premiere.
Yeah, we only have a couple of|minutes. You mind if I steal Barry?
You know where the green room is.|Have a cup of coffee. We'll catch up.
Sure. Bye.
Evening, Barry. I have|two minutes. What is it?
I'll make it brief. I know|you've got your show to do.
Barry, we've run into some|slight scheduling problems...
concerning|the national feed.
We're gonna have to delay it|for at least a couple of weeks.
Hi, Stuey.
Ellen! Holy cow!|I knew you'd show up.
Jesus, let me look at you here. Are|you taking young pills or something?
Wanna step into my crib|with me? You must be excited.
Oh, yeah, I'm jumping out|of my skin. You kidding me?
I called my mother and told her we're|gonna broadcast all over the country.
She says, "Stuart, that's|beautiful. What country?"
Good to see you.|It's good to see you.
Hi, I'm Laura Nicholson. I|spoke to you on the phone. Hi.
Oh, it's nice to meet you.|You must be Barry's secretary.
No, actually, I'm his producer. We're|going in a few seconds. Excuse me.
Let's go. From the heart|of the Lone Star state,
it's time for Dallas' most|popular talk show, Night Talk...
- with Barry Champlaign.|- # Bad to bone #
The KGAB phone lines are open|and ready for your call...
at 555-TALK.
Nice to meet you. Nice to|meet you. Isn't this exciting?
I've just received|some terrible news.
Night Talk will not be broadcast|nationally tonight...
due to the usual corporate,|big business, inefficiency,
sloppiness and bureaucracy.
I've just been informed|of a scheduling problem.
Nothing personal, nothing|logical, just business as usual.
Maybe the show will go national|next week, maybe next month.
No one seems to know.|I'm sorry.
I feel I've let you,|the listeners, down.
But I've been in this business long|enough to know you can lose the battle...
and still win the war.
Night Talk still has a purpose,|a standard to which it must rise,
and I will not let you down|on that score.
This show is about saying|what's got to be said.
That's what|we're gonna do here tonight.
Tonight, anything goes.
I wanna hear you. I want you to|tell me what you really think.
No holds barred. Call|555-TALK. I'm sorry.
The door is open.|Hit me with your best shot.
Night Talk.|Jerry from Rockwell.
You're on.|Barry.
Have you ever entertained|one single doubt...
about the truth|of the Holocaust?
I think we've had|this conversation before, sir.
When you make these accusations against Jews,|when you start questioning the Holocaust,
I think you should have some facts|available, and the facts are available.
Well, of course. We'd love to|sit down and debate them with you.
Uh-huh. Well, who's "we"? Am|I talking to a "we" or a "you"?
Well, Barry, we're|organized in our belief...
the same way the Zionists|are organized in their belief.
We could debate it. It would|be very easy and simple.
It would be far more simple and|valuable for you to get in touch with,
let's say, the Holocaust|Museum down in Washington.
Uh-huh. They'll send you|the names of all the Jews...
who died during World War ll.
They have all this information. I mean, the|first one to say if somebody made a mistake...
They say six million died? It could've|been five million or seven million.
It could be two also.
Is that the issue? That two|million innocent people died?
Why should one single innocent|person die, Jew or non-Jew? I agree.
But the Zionists are using this issue|and the guilt on the American public...
to extort from us|our tax dollars.
The figures we have say|every family in Israel...
gets over$10, 000|of our taxes.
Well, you'll never see more|collective poverty than in Israel.
I urge you to take a trip there. All you|got to do, Barry, is go to West Virginia.
What does West Virginia have to|do with it? Or Nebraska or Idaho,
where you'll see farmer after|farmer biting the dust, Mm-hmm.
losing their farms, can't|get decent loans. Yeah.
If we had the loans and grants|that are sent to Israel,
we wouldn't be losing our farms,|which is the backbone of this country.
And what if a woman competes with you|in the marketplace and takes your job?
What if black men start dating|and marrying white women? Oh!
And what if homosexuals|are teaching your children?
And what if you're afraid|to walk the streets at night?
What if you see yuppies getting rich while|you're standing in the unemployment line?
And what if your government|sends you to Vietnam...
to fight a war they have|no chance of winning?
And what if your country|is slipping away, lost?
I know the argument, friend.
It's the great theory of|history. I've heard it before.
It says,|"When things ain't good,
"instead of getting down|and doing something about it,
instead of changing your life, it's a hell|of a lot easier to blame somebody else."
And it just don't wash|in my book.
Well, that's a very nice|speech, Barry, Mm-hmm.
but it seems to me you're making|pretty good money on that station.
And since you're an outsider|to these parts and all,
it seems difficult, I guess, to relate|to the common-folk problems out here.
There is no room for self-pity,|sir, in my life or yours.
Now, you ought to read the Turner Diaries,|Barry, by William Pierce. It's all there.
Mm-hmm.|It says...
Yes, I'm familiar with that novel|- a product of the enlightened man.
Now, let me finish!|Barry, I got Beauty on five.
What it does is lays out the plan|for the coming revolution. Mm-hmm.
See, the word "America, "Barry, means|"heavenly kingdom" in the gothic language.
Yeah. It's the real new|Jerusalem of Scripture.
It shows you how the Jews|are impostors who took...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. For those|of you who don't know it,
it starts idiotically enough in|the year 1991. That's correct.
It's written as a diary by a young,|white, racist, electrical engineer...
who joins an underground|paramilitary organization...
known as "The Order."|That's right.
Oh, am I doing all right?|Oh, great.
They institute a revolution|against ZOG,
the Zionist Occupied Government|of America.
And along the way, they kill|all the mongrel races...
Jews, blacks,|homosexuals, feminists...
and other mud people.
It's an idiotic book written for|people with bubble gum brains...
who never got out of the fourth|grade, watching reruns of The Blob.
Easy, Barry.|You're part of the problem.
You're another Jew,|another weed-eating Jew,
in control of the media|of this country.
And from there, you pass judgement|on that which you don't know.
And there will come a day for you,|Barry, and thousands of others like you...
who have slept with black women,|who have lied to us...
when you will hang from your neck|with a placard around it saying,
"I betrayed my race. "
Well, what can you say to|a paranoid schizophrenic...
who's a coward for hanging up, except|that I guess the day that I hang,
I'll probably defend the asshole|who hung me.
Talk radio. Free speech|isn't really free at all.
It's actually a little bit like Russian|roulette. A very expensive commodity.
You never know what's gonna come up|the next time you push the button.
Yeah, you're on Night Talk.|I changed my name...
and didn't have any trouble|getting Social Security.
My birth certificate has|my name spelled differently.
And I-|Hello?
Yeah, it's very interesting.|What's your view on lesbian priests?
My view on what?|How about masturbation?
You got any view on that?|No, I don't.
How about that law in Arizona|where it's a felony...
to go around with|an erection in your pants?
What do you think about that? Well,|I-I'm not really calling about that.
Mm-hmm. If they wanna|do it, let 'em do it.
Yeah, what?
Kent's on three. I don't|think you should take the call.
Lose him, Barry.|Barry? Hello?
Yeah, yeah. Well, that's just fine|for you. Tell him to shoot it to me.
Hello, Barry? Hello?|Well, good, good.
That's good for you.
Gee, tonight's just|a walk down memory lane.
And we have Kent with us|once again.
Yeah, Kent. I didn't|mean to hang up on you.
Yeah, but you did. Listen, Kent,|you're a fake. You're a hoax.
You call up with some fake-o story|about how you and your girlfriend...
are taking drugs|and she's O.D.'d...
and your parents are in Acapulco. Fiji.
Oh, Fiji, right.|An important detail.
You're just this poor, mixed-up|kid. You don't know what to do.
I think she's dead!|What are you trying to tell me?
That your girlfriend O.D.'d? Now|she's dead? I don't know, okay?
I just can't get her to wake|up! Yeah, we heard that already.
There's foam coming|out of her mouth. What?
Foam coming out of her mouth.
Let's dump this guy, now.|It's Barry's show, boss.
That's it. That's it.|Listen!
My parents are in Fiji,|okay?
And the stuff about my girlfriend|- Yeah, what?
She|- Come on, Kent. Spit it out.
No, you'll cut me off!|I won't cut you off, Kent.
You promise?
I promise I won't|cut you off, Kent.
I made the whole thing up!
Kent? I lied. I'm cutting you off. What?
Get the hell out of here. No,|please! Look, I'm not Iying!
I gotta talk to you.|You gotta talk to me?
What are you gonna talk about?|Your mother just slit her wrists?
She's bleeding to death?
How about your father? Got a shotgun|in his mouth? Gonna blow his brains out?
Tell me, who else is dead?|Come on. Who's dead, Kent?
Who's dead? Who's dead?|Tell me, who's dead?
No one's dead!|No one's dead, Barry.
Come on. Look.
I just wanted to talk. We're|talking. You got two seconds. Talk.
Okay, I listen to you all|the time, you know. Mm-hmm.
I think about what you say, Bar. Yeah.
You say such cool stuff.|Mm-hmm.
Well, I just didn't know|what to say, you know.
Look, I wanted to meet you.
Now you're goofing on me.|You wanted to meet me?
You can meet me anytime you want.|I'm right here in the station.
You're at the station? I'm not|the president, for God's sakes.
I'm right here, downtown,|in the studio.
So I could just come down?|You could just come down.
Now? Right now?|Now.
What do you mean, right now? Right now.
I'll just come down.|I'm on the air, Kent.
Please?
Sure, Kent. Why not?|Come on down. Really?
I'd love to meet you.|Just hurry up. Allright!
I'm halfway through the show. We're|at the end of the first hour...
of exciting and intellectual|conversation here on Night Talk.
Don't go away. We have the|news and the weather coming up.
And then we'll be back|with more Night Talk.
Barry.|Dan.
Laura, call down and tell|Security there's a kid coming.
Dan, you want anything?|Coffee? Tea? Insulin?
Crack?|We have it all right here.
Barry, you should ask me if you|wanna have a guest on the show.
Why? 'Cause I'm the|boss, Barry. That's why.
Dan, I'll do my job,|you do yours, okay?
He is not coming on the show.|That's it. We have too much riding...
on what's going on here tonight.|What's going on here tonight?
If they think for one minute that|you're undependable, it's over.
Dan, Metro Wave bought my show.|All right?
This is my show.|I put who I want on my show.
If I wanna have Charlie Manson on|my show, I'll put him on the show.
Or Ted Bundy|- Or how about this. I have David Berkowitz,
Bernard Goetz,|John Hinckley on.
We do a special on gun|control. How would that be?
Or how about that postman from|Oklahoma who killed 14 people, Dan?
He killed his boss. We|bring him on the show. Cut.
We bring you on as a|special guest. Out. Out.
We're gonna bring these guys on the|show. We'll have a terrific show.
Oh, boy, this'll be great.
That's funny stuff, Barry,|the mailman who killed his boss.
Did you see what the mailman|brought me today?
Huh?
We got half the wackos|within 20 miles of this place...
saying how much they wanna|"burn your Jew ass."
Think about that, Barry. The time it|takes to sit down and write that on paper,
put it in an envelope, lick|it, send it to the station.
And I've got boxes|of this shit in my office.
These people|are dead serious.
All I'm suggesting is that you simply|pull it back, just for a little bit.
I think you're a little|out of your depth, Dan.
I think it's time|- Just stop talking and listen to me for two minutes!
You don't have an audience|in here now to cheer you on.
You do whatever you want to tonight,|Barry. Have fun. Blow the deal.
I'm not gonna say I don't care,|because I worked very hard on this.
- I worked my ass off on this.|- This is my life you're talking about.
No, what you are, Barry, is a fucking|suit salesman with a big mouth.
Let's call a spade a spade.
It's a job.|That's all it is.
You can come in here and start predicting|Armageddon if you want to, Barry.
But it's still a job.
A job you did not even know|how to do...
until I taught it to you!
What do you think you're doing|in here, changing the world?
This is a talk show, Barry,|and you are a talk show host.
Alan does the drive time, Jerry|does the home handyman stuff,
Sheila does the shrink stuff, Sid does the|financial stuff, and you hang up on people.
That's your job.
Now, you're very good at it.|You're the joker in my deck,
and I'm very happy|for your success.
But you work for me!
I'm your boss.
You wanna have the kid|on the show? Have him on!
But you get one thing straight.|You fuck up my deal,
and you go back to selling|double-knit suits.
I'm glad you take it|all so seriously, Barry,
but you gotta learn when to stop|or it's gonna kill you.
Go get the kid. The kid|is not a good idea, Barry.
You're on his side, aren't you? No,|I want you to think about the show.
You could lose everything that you've|worked for and everything I've worked for.
Get the kid.
It's very important to Barry.
It's a very important moment|in his life.
Yes, he is important to me.|He is important.
Look, Lou,|he's a fuckin' basket case.
Lou- Allright, allright.|Forget it. Forget it.
I'll just stay to see the show tonight,|and then I'll be home tomorrow, okay?
Love you.
Yeah. Hey.
Just pretend I'm visiting|a sick relative.
All right?
Bye.
Yeah.
Night Talk. We're back. This is|the spirit of Barry Champlaign.
Joe, hit me with your|best shot. Yeah, Barry.
I've been driving a cab now|for about 11 years.
I've met all kinds. I|know people. I wish I did.
Let me tell you|something, friend.
That kid who just called, what he|needs is a good bust in the chops.
Think that would do it, Joe? Kid|like that needs some discipline.
Discipline?|I got two kids, Barry.
They give me any trouble,|I just take off my belt.
They see the belt,|that's it.
How old are your children, Joe? Little|girl's five, boy's three and a half.
You hit them with a belt?|Brush, belt, newspaper. Whatever.
Hey, they're either gonna get it from|me or they're gonna get it out there.
Joe, I think you need|professional help. What's that?
You need to get together with|Jerry. He can hold them down...
while you hit them with a belt.|What the hell are you talking about?
You're hitting your kids with|brushes and belts. You're psychotic.
You're a psycho. Yeah? And|what are you, friend, a faggot?
Coming from a pinhead like you,|that's a complement.
How about I come on down there to|that station of yours right now...
and bust your little|faggot face right in?
Who's gonna help, your brother? You|don't say nothin' about my brother.
Your brother hangs around Harry|Heinz Blvd., doesn't he? He's a pimp.
And your wife, she's a|hooker, isn't she? My wife?
What do you beat her with,|a baseball bat?
Hmm?
Well, I know where|you live, partner.
Allright?|I know what you look like.
Mm-hmm.|Sweet dreams, sweetheart.
I can't wait.
Vincent, you're on Night Talk.|Say something interesting.
Yeah. Uh-|Yeah.
I've been listening to|you for five years. Uh-huh.
Yup, and the guys down here at|the store put you on every night.
Yup. And we sit around|and laugh at you...
Yup. because you're|such a jerk-off and...
Yeah, all right.|Night Talk. Agnes, yeah.
Barry, can I ask you a question? Hit me.
I wouldn't hit you|for the world, sweetheart.
I Love Lucy. Now, why don't|they make more of them? What?
What do you want to talk|to Barry about?
You wanna rape somebody?
Why don't you go home and take|a cold shower. That'd be better.
Those shows are ancient, Agnes. Lucille|Ball must be at least 105 years old.
The rest of the cast is dead.|No. Now, she's not that old.
I saw her on the show the other|night, and she looked to be around 35.
And that Ricky Ricardo,|boy, can he play the bongos.
Nobody can be this stupid. Are you|serious, Agnes? You know what year this is?
Yeah, John,|you're on Night Talk.
Remember me, Barry?
I called and said|I was in Turtle Creek.
Well, I...
I raped three women since then.
Do you remember me? I'm|not sure. Refresh me, John.
I'm thinking about raping another|one, Barry. I saw her this morning.
What are you doing to me, Stu? You're|killing me right here on the air.
- Oh, could we relax, please?|- These women I raped aren't turning me in.
How come? Well, tell|me where you are, John,
and I'll make sure|you get some help.
You have my word on that. I'm|just so tired of raping women. I...
I'm so tired|of raping women!
I|- I got rage for them! I got rage for them! John.
When was the last time|you raped a woman?
In Greenville|a couple weeks ago.
She was-|She was struttin' around...
like she was something else.
Yeah, I-I understand, John.|I sympathize.
We all get angry.
Where did the rape|actually occur?
It was in the backseat|of her car.
She pulled into|the Jack in the Box parking lot.
I jumped in and said,|"Okay, I'm-"
It was nighttime, sometime.|I don't know.
How old are you, John?|I'm 40.
I was in the pen 12 years.|Are you taping this for me?
I didn't get no therapy. They didn't|do nothin' for me! Let me hook this up.
They didn't- They didn't-|They didn't bother to help me!
Barry, I'm gonna rape somebody.|I'm gonna do it. But why?
I gotta!|It's an irresistible compulsion.
It's like- It's like|tryin' to quit smoking.
Barry, I can't help myself.
I can't...
Yeah, all right. You have|this irresistible compulsion.
John, the last time we spoke,
you said that|jogging helped you.
Up and down Turtle Creek.
Jogging up and down the|Turtle Creek. Turtle Creek!
I could name you every duck|in Turtle Creek!
John, have you decided|who you're gonna rape next?
I got her picked out,|staked out and ready.
I always wanted her.
What is it about her|that you like?
What is it about a piece of strawberry|pie or a piece of pumpkin pie?
I mean, I don't know.|She could be black or white,
Hispano, Japanese,|pretty, fat, ugly.
I wanna rape them all!
All right, John, calm down. I|wanna help you. I'm your friend.
Are you my buddy, Barry?
I'm your buddy, John.
I can't help myself.|I gotta go do it.
You can help yourself. You're not|gonna do it, John. No, I gotta do it.
No, you're not|gonna do it, John.
Now, listen to me.|I'm gonna go do it.
No, no, no. Think about|what you're saying, John.
John?
He's gone.
Another lost soul|goes into the Dallas night.
We-We have a police trace|on this.
If anybody knows|anything about this man...
or is in Turtle Creek or|sees someone in a phone booth,
please call us here|at KGAB.
The number to call is,|is 555-TALK.
Uh, let's hear|from our sponsors...
Pasty Mate Roach|and Termite Cleaners.
Listen closely.
The sound|of cockroaches mating...
enhanced 500 times.|They couldn't trace it.
Right, I should've kept him on|for another three hours.
You know, I once had|a cup of Humphrey's coffee.
I was spitting blood|for three weeks.
You should try|the decaffeinated, Barry.
This is great.|Oh, wait. Don't tell me.
He seems|pretty harmless.
Come on, kid, sit down.|This is your chair.
This is your microphone.|Speak directly into it.
Keep your mouth about|six inches away from it.
These are your headphones so you can|hear the show. These are the ground rules.
What?|The ground rules.
No last names, no brand names,|no phone numbers over the air.
Other than that, act and speak|normally. This is Mr. Barry Champlaign.
You're Barry.
You got him.|All right.
What's wrong with him?|He's star struck.
Hey, kid, say something. I need|a level. Check, check. Check one.
Here we go on five,
four, three, two, one.|Stu.
Strap in, bitch.|Here we go.
We're back. I'm Barry Champlaign.|You're listening to Night Talk.
We have a very special guest|with us tonight.
Kent. Say hello|to everybody, Kent.
All right.
My sentiments exactly.
We've brought Kent on board to get an|inside look at the future of America.
Kent is the classic|American youth...
energetic and resourceful,|spoiled, perverse and disturbed.
Would you say that's an accurate|description, Kent? Yep, sure.
What do you call that haircut?|I don't know. Rock and roll!
Are you high right now,|Kent?
Am I high?|Are you on drugs,
or is this your naturally|moronic self?
Watch the drool. You're|getting it all over the console.
I can't believe|I'm here, man.
Hey. Wow. Does this thing really work?
You're sitting in|a radio station, Kent.
You're sitting in front|of a live mike.
When you speak, thousands|of people hear your voice.
It penetrates their minds.
Okay, okay.|No, listen.
I wanna send that one out to Diamond|Dave and Billy the bass player...
and all the babes|at the Valley View Mall.
We're discussing|America here tonight, Kent.
Do you have any thoughts|on that subject?
Yeah.|Oh, I'm sorry.
I broke your train of thought. Please,|keep going. This is exhilarating.
No, I know.
It's not like I'm not political|or nothin'. You know, I mean...
I like Bruce.|He's political.
Bruce Springsteen, yes.|A very deep, political thinker.
He's a communist, isn't he?
No, he's from New Jersey.
His ex is pretty nice.|Mm-hmm. Whose ex?
Bruce's. Bruce Springsteen's|wife. Yes, what about her?
Julienne.|Hi, Julienne.
She was a model.|You know that, Bar?
All those guys|got models, Bar.
I mean, Mick and Jerry,|Keith and Patty,
Prince and...
Prince.
You know, Bar,|Bingo.
models only hang around with|guys they think are coolest.
Look at you, man. You're a|big guy, famous star and all.
I mean, you got that fine babe|right over there...
who works for you, man.
So hey, if you got some|cash and you're cool,
you get to have a model.
So you wouldn't call yourself a|women's libber then, Kent, huh?
Yeah, I would, Bar. I mean,|everybody being liberated, you know.
Women, South Africans, all|those kind of people, you know.
I saw a show|about all that stuff...
about how revolution's|a pretty important thing.
We're gonna have a lot more|revolutions where people get together,
solidarity and that|and...
You know,|like that song by Megadeath.
# Peace sells|but who's buying #
# Peace sells but who's|buying # Ah, come on!
Hey, plus-|Oh, I saw this other show...
about how in the future they're|gonna have these two-way TV sets.
People will be able to see|each other and everything.
And then there's, like, no way they're|gonna be able to stop the revolution.
Who won't be able|to stop it, Kent?
Big Brother, the government,|corporations.
They're a bunch of fascists. They|wanna control everybody's mind.
But, hey, freedom's|an important thing,
just like you|always say, Bar.
You say|the best things, Bar.
I listen to you|all the time.
You're great.|Kent, you're an idiot.
I sincerely hope you do not|represent the future of this country,
because if you do|we are in sad shape.
Bar, man,|you're so funny, man.
That's why I love to listen to your show.|That's why all the kids listen to you, man.
Plus, these goons|push you around, you know.
All the kids|listen to you, Bar.
You are the best thing|on the radio!
Kent, we discuss a lot of|serious subjects on this show...
sad things, frightening|things, tragic things.
Doesn't any of that|bother you?
Nope.
Why not?
It's just a show. It's one|big rock video, huh, Kent?
Yeah!
No.|Come on, Bar.
It's your show.
Yeah, that it is, that it is.|It's my show.
Let's go back to the callers|on my show.
Uh, Julia,|you're on Night Talk.
Barry, hello.|Now, you know, darlin',
I think these people who've|been callin' you tonight...
are a bunch of|I don't know what's.
It's crazy. And that crazy kid you|got on there, now, that's terrible.
I've been listenin' to your show|for five years straight, Barry,
and I love you and your show.
I think it's terrific that more|folks are gonna be listenin'.
I just hope you have time for|your longtime friends there, Bar.
I always have time|for my friends, Julia.
Aw, you're terrific.
Your show's terrific.|I don't know what else to say.
Well, tell me something, Julia,|since you listen all the time.
What is it|you like about the show?
Well, I don't know.
A lot of things.
Well, what, for instance?|Well, I love you, Bar.
Uh-huh, that's a given. Okay,|what about me do you love?
Well, you're very funny.|Uh-huh.
And I love to hear you talk about|all the things you have to say.
Yeah, yeah, okay.|Let's get back to the show.
The show must serve|some kind of purpose for you.
Well, now, I wouldn't say that.|What would you say?
Well, I don't know. What|do you mean, you don't know?
You said that at least five times|already. What don't you know?
You've been listening to this show for five|years. You don't know why you listen to it?
Well, I just said-|I heard what you just said.
You said you don't know why you listen|to this show. Why don't I tell you why.
You listen so that you can feel|superior to the other losers who call in!
Barry!|Don't "Barry" me!
You've got sawdust between your ears|instead of brains. Just listen to you!
If I sounded as stupid as you, I'd|be too embarrassed to open my mouth!
I'm hanging up!|Good, and don't call back.
Nothing more boring|than people who love you.
Yeah, you're on Night Talk.
I just have one thing|to ask you, Barry.
Hit me.
Are you as ugly-looking|as you sound? Uglier.
Yeah, I thought|you'd say something like that.
But as usual,|you avoid the question.
What's the question?|I think you know the question.
Is an animal a vegetable or a|mineral? The question is obvious.
Why does an intelligent fellow|like yourself...
spend so much energy|hurting other people?
Hmm?|Do you not love yourself?
I think you're very|lonely, Barry.
I'm sorry for you, because|you don't know how to love.
Night Talk. Ralph.
They always say that,|don't they?
"Why are you so angry"?
Well, they don't understand|me and you, Barry.
We're the kind of people,|we feel too much.
Are we, Ralph?
Yeah, my name is Cheryl Ann.|I'll hold.
Who knows? I mean,|take, for instance, cancer.
What is cancer?|What are you doing, Ellen?
He's all alone out there.|So what?
He's going down in flames,|Dan.
It's Barry's show,|Ellen.
Let Barry|do Barry's show.
Well, what are they gonna do|with my TV set?
We watch it. That's what|people do with TV sets.
What do they see? They see people|killing people, babies starving, floods.
And for what?|For nothing!
For beer commercials|and Tampax ads,
MTV, a yacht, the ocean,
a diamond earring,|a racehorse.
Well, I guess so.
I guess so. All I know is|what I read in the papers.
And that's a lot of talk. Barry,|it's talk. Talk, talk, talk.
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk,|talk, talk! Ralph, Ralph, Ralph!
Tell me something.|I'm curious.
How do you dial a phone|with a straightjacket on?
Barry.
I don't know much about God|and I never was very religious,
but you can't help feeling|like something is wrong,
like nobody's|driving the train,
the system,
'cause too many people|are gettin' sick.
And the traffic,|it's just jamming up.
And even the weather,|not so good lately.
Barry, I just don't|- I don't get it, Barry. I just don't get it.
You don't get it, wimp? Here's|what you get! You get $1.59,
That's it. go down to the drugstore,|buy a pack of razor blades,
and slash your|fuckin' wrists, pinhead!
That's it, kid.|Come on.
What?|Get him out of here, now!
Hey, Barry!
Get the fuck off me,|you fuckin' son of a bitch!
Thank you, Dallas!|Good night!
You allright, Barry?|Standby.
I'm confused, Barry.
What did you say|your name was?
Cheryl Ann.
It's about my ex-husband.
He's back in town and, well,|I haven't seen him for a while.
What are you confused about,|Cheryl Ann?
Well, let me first say...
that I left my ex-husband|for very good reasons.
Did it- Let's not|get into them, okay?
And he's anything but perfect.
He smokes, he drinks,|he loves to argue.
Sounds like my kind of guy.|Yeah.
He is a little bit like you.
Yeah, well, we gotta move|it along here, Cheryl Ann.
You wanna get to the point?
I have, um,|feelings for him.
What kind of feelings?
Nice feelings.
Um...
This is hard to say.
Sexual feelings?
It's not just that.|I mean, yes, of course, but...
I still love him.
It's not the same|with my husband.
We had something,
and... I want him.
I want him inside of me.
I want to take care of him.
I want to be with him.
You wanna be close to him.
Yes.
You wanna hold him.
Oh, yes.
You wanna relive|the feelings you two had.
Yes, Barry.
You don't love|your husband?
No. Well, I...
You tell him|that you love him.
You lie to him and|you tell him that you love him.
I do love him.
I love him as a friend.
Friend.
Everyone's your friend.
Not like my ex-husband.
There's a passion there|for his soul and...
I- I thought I wanted a|simple life, but I-I was wrong.
I want my old life back.
Sounds like|you made a mistake.
Should've stuck with|the first guy.
Yeah, well, what was I|supposed to do?
I love you, Barry.
Ever hear the story of the little|dog who had a bone in his mouth?
And he's trotting over this|bridge and he looks over...
and sees his reflection|in the water.
Thinks it's another dog.
That dog has a bone|in his mouth too.
The dog wants both bones, so he|barks at the little dog in the water,
trying to scare him.
Bone drops out of his mouth.
Loses both bones.
What has that got to do|with what I just said?
Babe, I don't know|what to tell you.
You blew it!
You know, women like you|are never happy.
What do you want me to say? Leave|your husband? Go back to your ex?
Your ex doesn't want you.
He's got women all over the|place. He doesn't need you.
He's not some suburban zombie like|your husband. He's out there having fun.
Did you ever think of that? Maybe|your ex-husband doesn't want you?
Hmm? He came on to me.|He said he wanted me.
You're Iying again.|He said he still loved me.
You're Iying! You're a sexually|unsatisfied woman living in a dream world!
I feel sorry for you!
So why don't you stick|with Mr. America there,
go out and buy yourself a heavy-duty|vibrator, and knock yourself out.
We reap what we sow.
Follow me, Cheryl Ann?
Probably frigid.|And we have Theresa on the line.
The day will come|for you, Barry.
And there will be|a reckoning,
an adding up|and a totaling.
Those who turned away|will be turned upon.
And I don't care|what your story is, Barry.
You are responsible, and there|will be no confusion at your trial.
It will be short,|and necks will crack.
The whips will strip your back|bare to the bone,
and your children|will cry for you...
as they are slaughtered|before your eyes.
You...
The Jews will hang high|over the streets.
You will be buried in piles.
You dig your own holes.
I am here merely to tell you|that the day will come.
It will.
Believe it or not,|you make perfect sense to me.
I should hang.
I'm a hypocrite.
I ask for sincerity,|and I lie.
I denounce the system|as I embrace it.
I want money and power|and prestige.
I want ratings and success.
I don't give a damn about you|or the world. That's the truth.
For this, I could say I'm|sorry, but I won't. Why should I?
I mean, who the hell are|you anyways, you audience?
You're on me every night|like a pack of wolves,
'cause you can't stand facing|what you are and what you've made.
Yes, the world|is a terrible place.
Yes, cancer and garbage|disposals will get you.
Yes, a war is coming.
Yes, the world is shot to hell,|and you're all goners.
Everything's screwed up, and|you like it that way, don't you?
You're fascinated|by the gory details.
You're mesmerized|by your own fear.
You revel in floods,|car accidents.
Unstoppable diseases.
You're happiest|when others are in pain.
That's where I come in,|isn't it?
I'm here to lead you by the|hands through the dark forest...
of your own hatred|and anger and humiliation.
I'm providing a public service.
You're so scared.
You're like a little child|under the covers.
You're afraid of the bogeyman,|but you can't live without him.
Your fear, your own lives,|have become your entertainment.
Next month, millions of people are|gonna be listening to this show,
and you'll have|nothing to talk about!
Marvelous technology|is at our disposal.
Instead of reaching up to new heights,|we're gonna see how far down we can go.
How deep into the muck|we can immerse ourselves.
What do you wanna|talk about, hmm?
Baseball scores?
Your pet?
Orgasms?
You're pathetic.
I despise each|and every one of you.
You got nothing,
absolutely nothing.
No brains, no power, no future.
No hope.
No God.
The only thing|you believe in is me.
What are you|if you don't have me?
I'm not afraid, see?
I come in every night, make my case,|make my point, say what I believe in!
I tell you what you are.|I have to. I have no choice.
You frighten me.
I come here every night, tear into|you, I abuse you, I insult you,
and you just keep|coming back for more.
What's wrong with you?|Why do you keep calling?
I don't wanna hear it anymore.|Stop talking!
Go away!
You're a bunch of yellow-bellied,|spineless, bigoted,
quivering, drunken,|insomniatic,
paranoid, disgusting, perverted,|voyeuristic, little obscene phone callers.
That's what you are.
Well, to hell with you.
I don't need your fear and your|stupidity. You don't get it.
It's wasted on you.
Burros before swine.
If one person out there|had any idea...
of what I'm talking about...
Fred, you're on Night Talk.
Yes. You see, Barry,
I know it's depressing that so many|people don't understand you're just joking.
Jackie, you're on Night Talk.
Hello. I've been listening for years,|and I find you a warm and intelligent...
Arnold.
What you were saying before about|loneliness, I'm an electrical engineer...
Lucy. My mother is from Waco and wants|to know if you went to high school...
Larry. Why do people insist|on calling homosexuals normal?
Ralph!|I'm in my house.
I'm at home,
which is where|you should be, Barry.
Hey, I'm not far away.|You could come over if you want.
We're the same kind of people.
I have beer, soup.
I'm here.
Come over later.
I'll wait.
Barry, there's 60 seconds|left in the show.
This is dead air, Barry.
Dead air.
I guess we're stuck|with each other.
This is Barry Champlaign.
Barry.
That was great.|I feel very good about this.
I'm gonna talk to the lawyers, and we'll|get started on this deal right away.
We're gonna be seeing|a lot more of each other.
I'll be in touch.
Barry.
That was great.
You pulled it off, champ.|Congratulations.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Dan.
What if I don't come in|tomorrow night?
You'll come in tomorrow,|Barry.
You always do.
She left, huh?|Yep. I don't blame her.
Her best line was, "Barry|Champlaign's a nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't want|to live there."
The show's a washout, Stu.
Give me a break, will you?|We're going national, man.
Besides, it's not that|important. It's just one show.
If it's not that important, why|am I doing it? I don't know, Barry.
You don't like the heights,|don't climb the mountains.
You know what I mean? It's|like that kid just said:
"Man, this is your show."
Where you headed?
I don't know. Go to|Ellen's hotel, try to talk.
That's good.|Tomorrow, Barry.
Before I take|the first caller this evening,
Tomorrow, Stu. I'd like to|comment on something I saw...
in the parking lot|on the way into the station.
There was a man standing there,|Walk you to your car?
obviously mentally disturbed.
It made me think about something|we don't often talk about.
Wanna grab a burger,|just talk?
I'm too old for you,|Laura.
Ow.
I mean, you don't|know about Vietnam,
Easy Rider, Beatles.
Start over, Grandpa.
I can't.
I'm inside this thing.
You're not.
You know what|my greatest fear is?
Being boring.
You're not boring.
I'm afraid that the whole|audience is gonna get up and leave.
I get confused sometimes|about this love stuff.
I don't know what people mean|when they say that they're in love,
but...
but I do know that I don't think|you're the bad guy you think you are.
Yes, I am.
I'll take a rain check|on that burger.
Excuse me, Barry.|Barry. Mr. Champlaign.
I hate to bother you. Do you think|you could give me an autograph, please?
Some show tonight.|Sure.
What'd you say your name was?|You're dead, fucker.
You come on down|to these parts,
you start telling people their|business and insulting their race,
you end up like Champlaign,|I'll tell you that right now.
I listened to his show the|night that he was killed.
There was this drug-crazed|kid bothering him.
When people smoke that crack|stuff, they go berserk, you know?
I hope they catch|that kid.
But they ought to listen to|that show. He was on the air.
I didn't think he was gonna|get shot or anything,
but that show was strange.
I mean, I got to be on his show the|last day. That was his last show.
I feel kinda like my whole|life is different, you know?
Like I'm kinda blessed.
But like I told Barry,|you know, I mean, hey,
life is kinda just like|a big party thrown by God,
and I'm the new|toastmaster, Bar.
Like Barry always said,
if you didn't like him,|turn him off.
But they didn't have|to kill him.
I think that young boy that had come|in on the show, I think he did it.
I'll tell you|how I feel about it.
I think if you steal something,|they oughta cut your hands off.
If you rape somebody, they ought|a cut your you-know-what off.
I never called him.
And now I'm sorry.
He never even hung up on me.
I miss him. You know how when|you have a cast on your arm...
and they cut it off,|you miss having it?
He was like a cast|on my arm. I miss him.
He was like a hot-fudge sundae|with fresh pecans.
Now, I knew I shouldn't listen|to him 'cause he always got me...
so dog-dang riled up till I|was like to smash my radio.
He did a whole show once on which|way to roll your toilet paper.
Over or under?|People responded for hours.
Some got so angry,|they hung up.
I called almost every night.|I loved Barry.
Didn't care much for the fellow|who answered the phone, though.
You know, he always forgot|I was waiting on the line.
Didn't I read he was having some|kind of problem with his wife?
Yes, he was|insensitive and nasty,
but he was a strong, masculine|presence on the radio.
Why would anyone|do such a thing?
Oh, well, there's another|bright star in God's heaven.
My view is that you don't give|a group like the neo-Nazis...
access to the airways|like he did.
Basically, I couldn't stand|Barry Champlaign.
I was in love with his voice.|I was in love with his voice.
He was in love|with his own voice.
My first thought was that I couldn't|believe anyone could hate him that much.
Disagree or dislike, but|not hate him. Not kill him.
My second thought was...
that he always wondered|if there was a God.
Barry said he had to wait|until the evidence was in.
Now you know, Barry.
Now you know.
Now, we know that whatever the law|says, it speaks to those under the law...
so that every mouth|maybe stopped...
and the whole world|may be held accountable to God.
The world is crazy, crazy!
Barry was rude, but|he was a funny guy too.
He insulted my mother|when I called,
but this is why we have|freedom of speech.
I hope that when|they remember Barry,
they remember|what he said...
and not the style|in which he said it.
It was karmic.
You just can't put out|that much bad karma...
without it coming|back at you.
Barry and I worked together|for over seven years.
Whenever you threatened him over the air,|man, he'd stick it right back in your face.
It was like his dick|was flapping in the wing...
and he liked to see|if he could get an erection.
The guy had a little dick, but|he liked to flap it out there.
Then they cut if off.|Now he's dead.
I don't know if you|understand that analogy,
but it's the clearest one|I can make.