Moop, moop, moop.
Moop, moop, moop.
Moop, moop, moop.
Moop, moop, moop.
The skinniest schmoop in
the chicken coop goes...
...Scoop, scoop, scoop.
Scoop, scoop, scoop.
'Cause he's getting...
...all that food, right?
Scooping it all up.
a charter school in southwestern.
Los Angeles, California.
Mitch Carter is head of
Truman's English department,
and was recently named
California Teacher...
...of the Year.
He is now a nominee
for the national award.
Love my job. Not every day of course.
But, uh, it's a good life.
Ronald Douche is the school's principal.
Start now? Okay.
Um, welcome.
Truman is, uh, a newer
high school, opened in 2007.
Our first senior class just
graduated this last spring.
We serve, uh,
over 1,000 students,
most of them from right here in good old...
...southwestern Los Angeles.
Some kids back there.
Hey, guys.
Terrific.
We are fortunate
enough to have some of the...
...latest technology available.
Beautiful chemistry labs.
They did such a nice
job on the installation.
Two well-stocked computer labs
training on many programs.
Great start, great foundation, great base.
We'll have a giant hammer
come up here with a claw.
And of course,
our nationally ranked...
...robotics team.
Gonna shoot something out.
Oh, this is a great start.
In 1999, I was writing
for Mattel toys for their.
Barbie doll website.
'Barbie for president.'
I was, uh... I was supposed
to be writing Barbie's...
...election platform.
Um, you know,
more swimming pools.
No brown shoes with black pants.
Six months later,
I was a teacher.
This is a tough part of town.
The kids know it's not gonna be easy.
We're giving them hope.
Throwing them a rope.
The kids are appreciative of that.
You know, of what we do here for them.
For the community.
It's, uh... Wow, I'm getting
a little filled up here.
But, uh,
I take a lot of pride in that.
You know what?
It's pronounced...
'Dow-shay,' not Douche.
Dow-shay.
It is the same spelling
but the Dutch pronunciation.
That is it, young man.
That is it. I see you.
That is detention.
Detention for...
...the entire year.
Put the cameras away.
Put them away. Put them away.
Turn off those...
Okay, you know what?
As soon as I'm done here,
that is it for you.
Confiscated. Both of you.
Phones are going to be gone.
It's pronounced 'Dow-shay.'
Okay,
let's get settled in.
This is not a bad dream. It is Monday.
You are back in class.
I want you to take out your
journals and take a look...
...at the topic on the board.
I want you guys to write about...
...something that you like.
But you hide it from your friends...
...because you are afraid
of what they will think.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'll go first. Um...
... When I was in high school,
I really loved the ballet.
My mother used to take
me to see The Nutcracker...
...every Christmas.
But I was afraid that my friends would...
...make fun of me,
so I told them that she was
taking me to a Laker game.
All right, you guys are
up now, you got 15 minutes.
I like to start class with a writing exercise.
It gets their brains in the right place.
Especially on a Monday.
Okay, let's share our responses.
Oh, come on, I told
you about the ballet.
It's all downhill from there.
Zola.
Sometimes when I'm
depressed, the only thing...
...that makes me feel better...
...is listening to Dora the
Explorer song on my iPod.
Marcus.
Uh, um, one time when I was
visiting my grandparents,
I woke up in the middle of the night...
...to take some Advil,
but it was my grandpa's Viagra.
You were supposed
to write about something...
...that you liked.
Did you like that?
Are you going to be talking
to the other teachers, too?
Um...
... I just...
I think it's important.
And this is why.
I mean, yeah, I'm, uh,
'Teacher of the Year.'
That's... And which is
great, and I love it.
I love that you guys are
here doing this movie.
I think it's important.
I hope we can show something...
... about public schools
and what's happening here.
But, uh, the award itself,
is really the byproduct
of all of our work together...
...here at this school.
Yes, I won it,
but, um, you know...
I don't do this by myself,
I guess is all I'm saying.
Right.
These kids don't get better just because.
I show up and do my thing.
I'm not laughing.
I'm being serious here.
You come on.
We are the Hammers. Uh,
though we're not married.
No, we are not.
My name is Clive Hammer.
I am Lowell Hammer.
And we are guidance counselors.
Well, we're college counselors.
But we guide you to college.
So we're kind of like...
...Religious leaders.
Shamans.
I think it's shayman.
Well, shayman suggests...
...that we shame them.
Which we're not afraid to do.
Which we will use shame.
So...
... We will answer questions.
We've got experience.
We speak from the hip.
We throw it from the kneecap.
We toss it.
Which is even...
...lower than the hip.
Yeah, well, some guys,
some guys will...
...talk from the hip.
We take it from the kneecap.
We like to throw it...
...from below the hip.
We just toss it out to you.
Which is even a...
...straighter shot.
Yeah, it's a straight shot,
straight into your mouth.
Think about it like this.
If college were hell...
... And it is, guys.
For a while, it's hell.
Best time of your life,
best years of your life,
but it's hell.
But it's hellish.
It's like a burning inferno of hell and hatred.
It's terrible.
Think of us as like a two-headed dog.
Mmm-hmm.
And we're sitting on that
River Styx in a boat...
...Right, and we gotta take you across.
You can't swim to the River Styx.
No, you can't.
You can't do that.
I'd like to...
...see you try it.
I wish you could try.
I dare you.
You're going to burn your legs off.
But you get with us...
You're in the boat.
We take you across.
We guide you to...
...where you need to go.
We get you to hell.
Yeah.
I think the secret is,
we know everything,
assume that they know nothing.
You have to start from that point and then...
...work your way backwards.
Or forward.
Forward.
Or laterally.
Yeah.
You asked when the applications are...
...due for UCLA.
Those were due yesterday.
Yesterday.
Yesterday.
So, that is, uh...
Ouch.
A no-can...
That's a no-fly zone.
That's not good.
Yeah, so, uh, forget about
that one. USC tomorrow.
Exactly, so, six essays,
you knock 'em out tonight.
You're good to go.
5-Hour Energy.
Pop one of those in your mouth, boom,
boom, boom. You're gold.
Get a get a couple of Coke Zeros and...
None of those calories.
But you are still learning and you...
...are still staying awake.
Can she...
... Can she do that?
You just hop out...
...of here right now...
...and just start on that process?
She can't?
She can't.
Okay.
Look, you...
...cram it tonight.
Tonight. You'll get in there tonight.
The problem is that teaching...
...is tougher today.
Because they put hormones in the milk,
so the girls start to menstruate...
...at a younger age.
It's awful.
How do you know that?
Morning, guys.
Hey, morning, Wendy.
Morning, Wendy.
That's a lot of wrong answers there, Eric.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, check it out,
Wendy's not wearing...
...any underpants today.
Jesus, do your kids know anything?
That grading machine
sounds like gunfire.
I am aware of the results, Brian.
You guys are worried
about tests? She's going...
...commando. You kidding me?
Did you see these scores?
Dude, I know you're
married, but just look for...
...my sake, would you please?
The average is 14.
I can't even talk to you.
Do you have a penis?
Hey, Wendy. I brought
that vanilla creamer...
...that we both enjoy.
Bam.
Belly button showing.
Bam.
Cell phone and belly
button showing, that's two.
Enjoy your Saturday, with me.
Uh, hey there, Marv Collins,
assistant principal and dean...
...of students at Truman High.
Actually,
Mr. Collins, you can...
...just look at me.
So uh, you help Principal
Douche run the school.
Principal Douche does not need my help...
...running this school.
I think you can tell he's doing a pretty...
...good job all by himself.
You're not hiding the cell phones from me.
You know you're getting detention.
And you still have the cell phones out.
No, yeah, I'm just the garbage man,
you know.
Someone sees a future
ahead of them, but you...
...still have yours out.
Put the cell phones away.
Put the cell phones away.
As you probably saw,
we had a little kerfuffle...
...this morning...
... between a couple of our young men.
Uh, not their first go-round.
But let me tell you,
it better be their last.
Because one more infraction, and...
...they're out of here.
You get in a fight this
morning, you're back...
...in class this afternoon.
How's that work?
I don't know.
Wanna tell me what it was about?
Boy, I hope that's not
true, I mean if you're...
...gonna hit somebody,
you better have a reason.
I got a reason.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it's excellent.
Aren't we gonna be late?
Yeah, hurry up.
Late for what?
Uh, soccer practice.
This is the first year Truman's fielded...
...a varsity soccer team.
Although I'm not sure
you can call this soccer.
I'd like to see us win a game.
Or maybe just score
a goal. That'd be nice.
Most days I'd settle for
a practice field with grass.
Okay, shake it off, Derek.
Hey, you're California
Teacher of the Year. These...
...guys know who you are.
What? You're telling me that you didn't...
...recommend me?
Absolutely I did,
but they'd already seen
the article in The Times,
picture of your family.
They asked me about you.
The National Independent
School Association sent...
...you to come get me.
This is what I'm telling you, yeah.
To lobby for them.
What the hell do.
I know about lobbying?
Well, it's not like you'll be the...
...only one. It's a team.
A veteran teacher who's
had success in both public...
...and private classrooms.
To do what?
To go on TV, uh,
make speeches, appear...
...at schools, symposiums.
They want you to be the new face...
...of independent schools.
And 120,000 to start.
Are you... Are you serious?
To start.
Plus an expense account,
moving expenses,
unbelievable health benefits.
Uh, moving expenses.
Well, uh, we're in D.C.
about two weeks each month.
Some people decide to just move out...
...there, some don't.
Ah, D.C., I don't know if I can do that.
Like I said, some don't. I didn't.
And you don't have to decide right away.
So this is a job offer?
It's not a job interview?
Well, you're gonna
have to meet with the NISA...
...director, Ellen Behr,
but, honestly, the way she talks about you,
I think she just wants your autograph.
Are you interested in that job?
I don't know.
I mean, a lot of changes to consider.
Um, the travel, for one.
How much does Truman pay you?
If you don't mind me asking.
A little under 70.
Is that why you're smiling?
Not just that, it's just, you know, I'm...
...When you teach, you kind
of forget what it's like to...
...have a real job, and um,
I guess I thought maybe
I'd never have another one.
You don't consider teaching
to be a real job?
Well, you just spent
the day with me. Do you?
Oh, I'm so hungry.
I'm so hungry,
I want some belly.
I want some belly.
Mmm.
Oh, the belly so good. So good.
I couldn't possibly eat any more belly.
I'm so full.
Oh, wait. Yes, I can.
So, uh, what's this?
Uh, the National Independent School.
Association website.
Who they are,
what they do.
How's it look?
Oh, you know.
Um, tax exemptions,
uh, school vouchers, looking
out for the interests of rich...
...kids and their rich parents.
It's basically everything
I've ever fought against...
...for my whole career.
Nobody proofreads.
This guy says his paper
is about Mark Train.
Unbelievable.
They're not all like that.
Hmm.
Look, Daddy, I drew a princess and she's...
...saying, 'I love you.'
Aw, that's beautiful, angel.
You spell better than Daddy's students.
Stop it.
Mmm-hmm.
Listen to this.
'The boy said, 'I was
hungry, hungry, hungry.'
This shows he was hungry.'
Teacher of the Year, huh?
You know,
I'm real happy...
...that you guys are giving Mitch Carter...
...all this attention...
...and you're here to see him,
but it's Ron Douche...
...who's the motor behind this house.
He's the kid in the hamster
wheel, so to speak.
This guy's gonna be superintendent...
...of LA Unified.
I'm hitching my wagon to that star.
Best believe that.
I mean, he says put
this campus on lockdown,
it's locked down.
Miss Curtis, Nia cannot come to school...
...dressed like this.
Why not? She looks good.
Nia, you can't...
Look at your skirt.
Leave something to the imagination.
Why should I make them imagine it when.
I can just show it to them?
You know, but,
I've had enough...
...of this, all right?
She is beautiful.
I am beautiful.
I was a JV cheerleader
when I had her. All right?
That out of here.
Uh, uh... Uh, yes.
Okay, let's get started.
I have your Huck Finn papers for you,
and, uh, I see that a lot of you are still...
...making the same mistakes...
... because you refuse to proofread.
Uh, look, if it's a problem with spelling...
...or vocabulary,
I can help you with that,
but when the name of the...
...book is Huckleberry Finn...
...and you spell Huckleberry wrong...
... I can't do anything for
you there. Or you spell...
...your own name wrong?
Come on, Mr. Carter,
nobody did that.
Oh, no, yeah, somebody
did, Marcus, or should.
I call you 'Macrus.'
Ladies and gentlemen,
in the eyes of the law,
you are still children...
... but here, in this
classroom, you are adults.
So as much as I may
disagree with you,
I have to respect your decision not...
...to get smarter.
This is America, where
the Constitution protects...
...your right to stay dumb.
'Brendan had a bellyache
and had to get more sleep.
'Please execute him.'
I wish I could, Novak.
Wait, so you guys are
here because Mitch Carter...
...won Teacher of the Year?
Wow, I, I didn't even know
a decision had been made.
I guess I was busy then. And that's...
...for the whole city?
Whole state.
Whole state. Okay, that's...
He's a good guy.
Really nice cat.
Can I speak frankly for a
second, because I'm sorry,
Okay, that's a dead language.
The kids already speak it...
...when they come to school.
I'm dealing with the future. It's robotics.
I mean, in my class
on Monday, it's Wednesday.
All right, let's assimilate.
All right, now you guys
have won the last four...
...city championships...
... and today we're going
to make it number five.
But more importantly,
when the robots take over,
and that day's coming
sooner than people think,
you guys are going to be ready.
And you're going to be waiting for them,
just like me. Okay?
Let's fuse.
Four years in a row we've lost the National.
Robot Championships,
otherwise referred to as
the Super-Robot Bowl.
Today's the cities,
city robots, we...
...always rule that.
And state robots,
we fly through.
We've had problems with
the national robots.
Not this year.
Not this year.
I guess, I mean,
I'm just a little disappointed...
...in your behavior.
I mean, aren't you?
And if I suspend you, you're just...
...going to feel like...
... you're getting an extra
week of spring break.
So instead, you're gonna have a week...
...of in-house suspension.
Are you...
Uh-uh-uh...
... Now, Mr. Carter believes
that soccer's been...
...a good outlet for you.
Yeah. Yes.
He also feels that, uh,
you should be allowed to...
...continue playing and I agree.
Thank you, Mr. Douche,
thank you.
But he has also promised me...
... he'd have you run sprints for...
...an extra 20 minutes...
... after practice every day next week.
Are you...
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Now take a pretzel.
Not in here.
Alex, crumbs.
Jeez.
There's not a lot of time during the day...
...to teach a young man or
woman a lesson like that.
So, hopefully I got through to him, made...
...a difference in his life.
That guy's a dick.
Seriously, like,
these are not lockers.
This is for mail,
and news, and bug spray...
I'm just...
...Oh, hey, Steven,
just got The Titan...
...hot off the presses.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, you guys are doing some great...
...work down there.
Yeah, you gotta check out
the piece we did on the...
...water fountain in the gym.
Yeah, we tested it for bacteria.
Covered in microorganisms.
That's fantastic. How long have you been...
...teaching here?
Uh, this is my first year.
My first full year.
Almost a full year.
Started as a sub...
...last year, yeah.
This is great.
I'm really making...
...the paper my thing.
I'm really proud of what
the students are doing.
Yeah. Super.
And I'd like to think...
That article about.
Kathy Bannen's puppy?
Yeah, yeah, that's gonna be great.
It'll teach a lot of kids responsibility...
... about taking care of puppies and stuff,
and that's, uh,
something the kids
need to learn about...
... before they go on to college.
Fantastic stuff.
Good job, Ian.
Thanks, um...
What's happening, kids?
Hey, man.
Looking at our conference
schedules. Who...
...do you have this year?
'Why is my kid an idiot?'
'Cause you're an idiot.'
In and out.
You're serious?
Am I the only one who does that?
That's genius.
That's just wrong,
not genius.
That's a good idea.
That's a brilliant idea, is what that is.
Yeah, Teacher of the Year, right there.
There you go.
Where's my vest? Oh.
Where's my vest?
I'm the vest guy.
It's fun to joke around in the lounge.
But I love this job.
I love the kids,
I love math.
Um, most days I cannot
wait to get to work.
The magic math hat
goes to Lamont.
Yay, yes, thank you,
thank you.
please, please.
Thank you, Lamont, thank you so much...
...for being so smart.
But I have to ask,
what is the mnemonic
device, sohcahtoa?
I'm fired up about teaching.
I do it with passion.
I don't apologize for it.
And I expect my students to match my...
...passion with their own.
I think they appreciate the effort.
At the very least they're entertained.
Emmie?
Cosine.
Cosine, cosine.
Are you rolling now?
- Yeah.
That is so cool.
I mean...
... It's like...
It's like we're...
...It's like Spinal Tap or something.
It's like we're just teaching and you...
...guys are filming.
It's a little creepy, but...
I take my teaching, and I
turn it up to 11. To 11.
I was never really good at accents, but...
Eleven... No?
You don't know Spinal Tap? Wow.
I say turn down the job.
- Are you nuts?
Teaching's his calling.
Take the money.
Teaching's obviously not about cash, it...
...elevates the spirit.
Oh, my God, do not listen
to him, Mitch, this is just.
Berkeley jibber-jabber.
Because I can be,
and I'm older...
...than you, all right?
Look, 10 years from now
you'll be making almost...
...the same as you do now.
And you'll be killing yourself for...
...not taking this job.
Why is this the only way for me to make...
...this kind of money?
I love teaching, you know,
apparently other people think.
I'm pretty good at it, too.
Why can't I make
100 grand doing this?
Because you can't.
Take the money.
If I'm coming on strong,
that's not my intention.
I just feel really confident
that advertising with us is...
...gonna help your business.
I'm the sales director at a local...
...mixed media company.
They let me work from
home three days a week,
which is really helpful.
If we are right for you, then we are...
...perfect for you.
You know, we just
want to meet your needs.
That's all. If you're not happy, if it's not...
...working for you,
then I'm not doing my job.
Yeah, I'm not interested
in just making this sale...
...and leaving you hanging.
No, I'm gonna use my
customized software...
...to monitor your account...
... and make sure that your ad
is generating sales.
Yeah. Oh, gosh,
it's unbelievable.
It tells us who's noticing
your ad, where they're...
...shopping, what they're buying.
I can do that.
Yes, I can do that.
I can do that, too,
that sounds very fair.
It is a lot to promise but
I hope that shows you how...
...much I want your business.
Okay.
All right, I'll send the contracts over first...
...thing in the morning.
Okay. Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Yay.
Mitch, I admire your
success in both the public...
...and private sectors.
And I think your career
highlights the best qualities...
...of independent schools.
Well, come on,
you can't really compare.
Harry Truman Charter...
...to Episcopal Academy.
Charter schools walk the line.
They're public schools that
take advantage of many...
...of private schools' benefits.
Private and charter are practically...
...the same thing.
That's a very difficult
argument to make, Miss Behr.
I couldn't agree with you more.
How would you make it?
Well, um, let's see.
They both have entry
requirements greater...
...than residency.
Uh, they both ask for a
personal commitment of...
...time or money or both...
...from the student,
and frequently from the...
...student's family.
As a society, we choose
to spend tax dollars...
...on enrollment and fees...
...at charter schools like Truman High.
There is no reason why
a few of those tax dollars...
...couldn't go to private
school tuitions as well.
Even if it's not as much.
A fraction.
So, you can make that argument.
Yes, ma'am.
Yeah, would appear so.
So,
does that mean you...
...want the job now?
No, no, it just means I know I can do it. I...
... What the hell?
Brian, what's going on, man?
I got a problem.
What, what's happening?
Ron suspended me today.
What? Why?
Faith Gregory accused
me of attacking her...
...in tutorial today,
and you know I did not do that.
No, no, of course,
I know, I know, I know.
Guys, please, just give me a second,
all right, please?
Just back off, please.
She's an angry child,
there has to be something...
...going on at home,
and it's important...
...All right, have you heard from her...
...parents at all?
No.
Have you talked, spoken...
...to her mother or father?
No, the mother,
I know has been...
...in contact with Ron...
...Oh, this is bad,
this is so bad.
Brian's in a tough spot.
I'm the union rep at our school, so he's...
...supposed to come to me.
Plus, we're friends.
Good friends.
We'll talk tomorrow, all right?
Who is this girl?
This is unbelievable.
Her name is Faith Gregory, and, uh, he...
...failed her last semester.
He was trying to help her.
I mean, that's why she was...
...in his room to begin with.
Well, can't Ron at least wait
until he hears the story...
...from everybody else first?
No, he can't afford to, Kate. I mean,
what if Brian did it?
You think he did it?
No, of course not,
but, you know,
Ron's just got to cover his ass.
Mitch, language, please.
Oh, sorry, hey, sweetie, can
you go to your room and...
...play for a little bit, please?
Okay, Daddy.
Thank you.
I'll be in to read you
a book in a little bit.
Okay.
Okay.
Can I say 'ass' now?
Oh, my gosh,
Jackie is pregnant.
How is she handling this?
I don't know, he's gonna give me a call...
...after he told her.
He hasn't told her yet?
Well, it's not like I'd
be rushing home to share...
...the news with you either.
Huh.
Oh, my gosh,
that is beautiful.
Man.
Oh, it's got a pool.
A pool, we can go swim.
3,200 square feet, four
bedrooms, four baths,
and it is $414,000.
No.
That could get us a garage here...
That's quite...
... ...in Los Angeles.
That's unbelievable.
A big difference
from what we pay here.
I don't know, it sounds
like the interview went well,
but, also, like, there's gonna be way more...
...travel than we expected.
And, uh, even if we do move
to Washington, D.C.,
he's gonna be gone a lot.
He and Sierra have never
even been apart for one day,
so I'm not exactly sure
how she's gonna take that,
but I don't even think
we really have a choice.
You know, my job sucks, and, uh,
I can barely handle that
with one baby, much less two.
I mean, when are we gonna
get another opportunity...
...like this, you know?
Is it a boy?
Don't start that.
Oh, come on,
I'm just asking.
Does it feel boyish?
I'm at six weeks, it doesn't...
...feel like anything yet.
Um, okay, guys, let's
just wrap for the night.
Okay, thank you.
Morning, guys, let's have a great day...
...of instruction, huh?
How you doing? Pull up
those pants, young man.
I can see your underwear.
That's ridiculous.
Why do you even have
a belt? Hey, high five,
up top. Nope?
We'll do that later.
We will do that...
...later, young man.
All right.
Go back to your...
...office, Douche.
Who said that?
You there, I see you.
Yeah, Mitch found out
that Truman was looking...
...for new department chairs,
and we applied at the same time.
Why leave a private school like.
Episcopal to come here?
I think Mitch was looking
for the challenge of starting...
...a school from day one.
Me, I just came 'cause
the pay was better.
Any regrets?
The kids at Episcopal were more gifted.
I miss that.
I mean, you saw my class today.
Okay, yesterday, we talked
about motors and motion.
Can anyone name something that...
...has a motor?
Motorboat?
Yes, a motorboat
does have a motor.
Anybody else?
Fandra?
A vibrator?
Yeah, that's great.
Look, my best students are fantastic.
They'll go on to UCLA, Stanford,
and they'll be great.
But some of these other kids, I, uh...
... I am just at a loss to
explain their behavior.
We're gonna watch a short film.
Is this a physics movie,
or a good movie?
Yes, Lamont, today we're
going to watch Scarface.
It can be tough sometimes.
Very tough.
I'm not saying you're
an idiot. I'm saying what...
...you're saying is idiotic.
Well,
I don't see what's...
...they're born in the light of Uranus...
...and they think it means...
Oh, come on.
That is way too easy.
You know what? I get that joke
too much. Don't even go there.
Okay, I get that too much,
look, don't even go there.
How does that hurt
anyone's feelings?
Have you seen
Ursula Featherstone's class?
It's unusual.
Okay, our quarterly test is tomorrow,
and I think the best way for
us to review our two books,
The Miracle Worker, about
Helen Keller, and The Diary of.
Anne Frank, is through song.
So here we go.
And you're her supervisor?
Yeah.
Yeah, um, so yeah,
I've sat through her...
...class many times...
... and, I gotta tell you,
even though it is unusual,
her kids retain a lot
of what she teaches them.
And her tests scores, they
always show improvement.
This is what I'm trying
to tell you, you know,
each teacher reaches
the kids in their own way.
Um, there's no one
way to do this job.
You're always looking for
the new, better, shinier way...
... to deliver basically
the same old message.
You know, the thing is,
if the message is solid,
it's always worth learning.
Okay, guys,
how are you?
How's everybody doing?
We are the Hammer brothers.
My name is Clive Hammer.
I am Lowell Hammer.
We like to bring...
...the hammer.
Stop.
Hammer time.
Which is what we said.
That's how long...
...we've been doing it.
We've been doing it for years, guys.
So, you probably don't
remember MC Hammer,
but we've been doing it back since his day.
Yeah, when he had a day.
And, uh...
... Think of us as liaisons
between you and college,
and some of you might not know...
...what liaison means.
Think of us as the people who define the...
...word 'liaison' for you.
I asked for help with
my financial aid application,
and they told me to mark
my ethnicity as caramel.
Caramel.
Why wouldn't...
...we do our job?
Who doesn't like caramel?
You see caramel on an
application, you're like,
'I want a piece of that.'
You hear that word...
I want a piece of that...
... ...you start to salivate.
Right? Pavlovian,
you salivate, kid's in.
They said that if I want to go to Stanford.
I have to wear more hats.
They said Stanford likes 'hat people.'
Palo Alto's a hat town.
Stanford is like a huge hat school.
Yeah.
I mean, you're not wearing a hat,
you're not fitting in.
And if you don't know that,
then you're not doing your job as...
...a college counselor.
They said colleges would like me better...
...if I lost 60 pounds.
So, I'm bulimic now.
But it's for my education,
so it's okay.
That was unfortunate.
That was not our plan.
That was not a great...
...I mean, she just kept...
... But if you look at her
now, look at her now,
she looks pretty good.
If she just keeps it...
... If she doesn't go any further...
... She's good.
You don't need any of these...
...states right here.
Yeah, forget these states, these are just...
...full of fat, mad people.
That's right.
You see these states?
Fat, angry people.
As you can see right in here,
this is the Big Ten.
Lot of football.
Lot of drinking.
Lot of keg stands.
This is where you want to be.
So, I mean, that is college right there.
Yeah, if you think about college,
think about a guy
passed out in a bush...
...Urinating on himself.
All over his own pants.
Like a homeless person would.
That's University of Illinois right there.
That is literally...
In a nutshell.
On the crest,
that is what it is.
Mmm-hmm.
And then also,
we're out here, guys.
We're in California.
You can stay here at home.
If you don't want to go
all the way out over...
...here, stay here at home.
Why?
Three words.
Weed is legal.
Nailed it.
Yeah.
I don't know how we do it.
It's magic.
There are times when I wake up...
...and I wish I knew.
And then there are times when.
I wish I didn't know.
And right now is one of those times.
Where I wish I didn't know...
...that I do know.
And you...
...still don't know.
I'll take it from here.
I know what you...
...guys are thinking.
'I gotta get to New York City.'
Right, bicoastal.
'Get me to the Big Apple.'
Hightail it up there. No.
No.
That is a bad idea.
You are gonna get cut.
Horrible.
Each and every one of you.
You're gonna get cut a lot.
We got cut. Went to New York City.
Yeah, we did.
We got cut twice.
Same guy.
And that, more than anything, tells you,
don't go see a matinee of
Spider-Man the Musical...
...on a Wednesday.
Not during the middle
of the week, you don't.
Why you gonna go up here?
Hightail it down here.
Amish country.
Pennsylvania, Franklin...
...and Marshall University,
great school,
go out there, you...
...roll an Amish guy.
It's fun, right? Get a couple
cocktails in you, get out...
...there with some friends.
They're not gonna fight back.
Maybe they'll throw a butter churn at you.
Maybe.
Second place,
city finals.
I mean, forget nationals, we don't...
...even qualify for states.
Should've seen the first place trophy, too.
It was a silver cup.
Just like, I could've drank my coffee out...
...of it in the morning,
but now it's just me
and the little guy, so...
... There will be no Super-Robot Bowl 5,
that's for sure.
The Scarlet Letter gives Hester the power...
...to see the sin in others.
So she knows that nearly
everyone in the Boston area...
... believes that they're sinners.
But when they learn of Hester's public...
...sin of adultery,
they jump at the
chance to punish her...
... because they want to prove their purity...
...to everyone else.
Now, Hawthorne
tells us that everyone sins.
Going back to Adam and
Eve failing God in...
...the Garden of Eden.
And we feel so guilty.
'Oh, no, God is disappointed in me.'
We feel bad and it sucks.
If we would just let
each other's mistakes go,
we'd be so much happier, but we don't.
No, we're constantly trying to make each...
...other feel bad,
hoping that it will make us feel better.
And that is where evil comes from.
Not from the devil,
not from hell.
Evil is simply a byproduct of human...
...fear and weakness.
All right,
how 'bout Claudius?
He dies like a bitch.
All right.
Uh...
Yeah, that's a start.
Do you have a citation from the...
...play to back that up?
Yeah, I wrote it down here.
'O, yet defend me,
friends, I am but hurt.'
It's good. Good,
you got one for Ophelia?
I use Act IV, where she goes crazy, just...
...before she kills herself.
Wrote it here.
'Young men will do't, if
they come to't, by cock,
they are to blame.'
Um, why'd you choose that quote?
I don't know.
She said 'cock'?
Yeah, you went deep
there, didn't you?
Young men will do it, if they come to it,
by cock, they are to blame.
It's better than that crap you pulled in...
...my class on Monday.
Aw, Coach, why you
gotta play me like that?
Did you have any lunch?
Nah, I didn't have any lunch.
Take half my sandwich.
Thanks.
Next up.
Thanks for coming, Mitch.
Uh, well, yeah, no, we
gotta get right on this.
Well, um, I'm all over it. I spoke...
...to the mother.
We're gonna meet
with them and Mr. Campbell...
...tomorrow afternoon.
Good. Good. Okay,
I'm glad we're dealing...
...with it right away.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, God, if the media gets ahold of it, then.
Brian's career is over.
Yeah. You're kidding, right?
What?
Mitch, Brian's finished.
At this point I'm just trying...
...to protect the school.
But he didn't do anything.
Why? Because a girl who's
failing his class...
...says so?
Look, Mitch,
I'm not insensitive...
...to Brian's situation.
It's just that the school cannot afford...
...He's got a family, Ron.
Have you ever heard
of one of these problems...
...resolving itself peacefully?
The teacher always takes the fall.
Right, because bureaucrats like you are...
...pushing him off the cliff.
I spoke to the girl.
I spoke to her mother.
Did you speak to Brian?
I mean, five years he...
...has bled for this place.
Did you talk to Brian,
or did you just fire him...
...and send him on his way?
I don't have time for this.
I'd like an answer to my question.
Mitch, be here tomorrow at 5:00 p.m.
This meeting is over.
Thing about Ron is,
he has his own...
...managerial style.
There's worse. There's
worse principals than Ron.
No, okay, guys,
what are you doing?
We shouldn't be talking
about our boss on camera.
He's an idiot.
Okay.
I could've... That's...
... Ron Douche couldn't lead three people...
...out of an elevator...
... with a map and a flashlight.
Eric.
Come on, that's a little harsh.
Whatever.
I don't care.
I got tenure.
It's not that I don't like Ron Douche.
I don't like the way he does his job.
I don't think he's here for the kids.
Are you here for the kids?
Or are you here for...
...your next promotion?
I don't really know her very well, I just...
Just by reputation.
What I do know is that
Brian has such a good heart.
I just don't believe it's true.
Yeah, Brian's in serious trouble.
But he knows better.
You never let yourself be alone in...
...a room with a student,
girl or boy, or even two.
They work in teams sometimes.
And they see me,
I'm down in the gym,
I'm on the treadmill,
shorts, tank top,
a lot of times I get sweaty at lunch.
You don't know what these
kids are gonna think.
And at that age,
they can't resist.
So, I need to be the one
who steps up and says,
'Not today,
mister, or missus.
'Or both of you.'
Yeah, yeah, we know
the Campbells very well.
The guys met in college,
and then...
...Jackie and I are really close.
I mean, she's one of my best friends.
I don't know, I'm just...
...I'm dying inside for this
woman, but I swear to God,
I have no idea what to say to her.
What's going on at that
school, what's been...
...going on at that school,
is disgusting.
And people need to hear about it.
We've just been bystanders
this entire time...
...and I had no idea how that would...
...end up hurting our family.
And people need to know.
If it wouldn't have been us, it would've...
...been somebody else.
I don't understand how
someone so young...
...could be so full of hate.
So full of...
...just vile and viscous anger
to lash out like this.
And I hate to say it,
but the person that I look to is the mother.
And I don't understand how
she could've let this happen.
And you know,
I'm about to become...
...a mother and I...
...Uh, I hate to be so judgmental,
but if in 18 years I've
become like that woman,
I don't know how I could live with myself.
This is the crib from
Kate and Mitch, you know.
They gave it to us right
after we told them that...
...we were having Jackson.
Yes.
And then now, of course,
they need it,
but they're letting us keep
it 'cause they're...
...They're just wonderful, and...
Yeah.
And they've been there
for us, through this, too.
They were the first
ones that we told, and...
... I met with a lawyer, which is...
...bizarre, and I never expected...
... to actually be in the situation of having...
...to defend myself.
And I waited for a phone call...
... from, uh, my principal,
Mr. Douche.
And, uh, that didn't come.
So I'm expecting to
have to defend myself,
tomorrow, and uh...
... And hopefully be able
to take care of my family.
To say that parent-teacher conferences...
... tend to cause some anxiety
amongst the faculty...
... would be a gross understatement.
We've got a diverse bunch
of personalities...
...and we all deal with the night
in our own way.
Personally, I can't say
I dislike them because...
...sometimes they're great.
We know he's not studying enough.
We took away his computers,
telephone, his TV.
That's good,
that's all good.
It's an important part of our job,
and when a conference goes well,
it can really make a difference.
Well, let's talk about some strategies you...
...can employ, okay?
If you would just turn the television...
...off for five minutes...
...and let him do his homework...
... Oh, how's the view from
the grandstand, Phil?
I'm the one raising him
while you're out vacationing...
...with your whore.
In reality, though,
it's usually a long night.
And normally, I like the
kids to believe that there...
...are no stupid questions,
but sometimes I think
Marcus asks questions...
...just to disrupt my class.
Really?
Can you give me an example?
Well, last week,
in the middle of a quiz,
he raised his hand to ask me
if I had ever considered...
... how weird the Teletubbies are.
I love that moment when
I tell the mother what...
...her kid's been up to...
... and she makes that face.
What?
I call it the 'I'm gonna smack his ass...
... 'with a hairbrush in the
parking lot' face.
The 'I'm gonna smack
his ass with a hairbrush...
...in the parking lot' face...
... may not be my favorite thing
about teaching,
but it's definitely in the top five.
Ooh, angry parents.
Rough night,
rough night.
I don't like getting yelled at, I'll...
...tell you that much.
What is wrong with them. Whew.
you might be the worst guidance...
...counselors of all time.
I take that as a compliment.
I like that.
I'll tell you why, because...
...what would be worse
is if you said nothing.
We provoked a reaction.
Yeah, it's what we do.
You told students in my class...
...that they probably
wouldn't survive the day.
Some of them won't or didn't.
I don't know about that.
Got a rise out of you.
Mrs. Rose, simply put,
your son is too stupid to
be on the robotics team.
How dare you say anything
like that about my son.
No, it's not me,
it's nothing personal.
I'm just wondering, uh,
did you drop him as a child?
Was he deprived oxygen
for over three minutes?
How dare you say anything like that...
...about my son.
All I'm saying is, if he
doesn't get his act together,
then I'm gonna design a robot specifically...
...to choke him out.
Um, Eric and I do a cover band.
This is one of the things...
Talk about.
Teacher of the Year,
and I think a lot of times,
guys who go out...
...and do all kinds of extracurricular activity,
um...
... They have to make it happen.
Yeah, and you know,
we show the kids...
Not just in the classroom.
Right, we show the kids that there's a...
...world outside of school.
Mmm-hmm.
And so we have...
...a cover band.
It is of a band I was a big, uh, fan of,
it's called the Indigo Girls.
Hmm.
Yes, it's one of your favorites, isn't it?
It is true,
and so it's a duet.
Uh, duo.
And so, one problem is...
... I don't... I don't play the guitar.
Not a note.
And, uh...
And I don't sing.
No. But the... Unfortunately
it was a duo, so I...
...needed someone else...
... and you had weekends free,
and so we'll do a gig down
at like Ruby Tuesday's.
You have no control over these kids.
I see.
You haven't taught my son one thing.
He has not learned one thing in your class.
Mrs. White, may I
ask you a question?
Oh, you have a question for me?
Yes, if you don't mind...
Oh, really, what...
What is it?
Why did you come here tonight?
Excuse me?
If you came here to find
out how your son can do...
... better in my class
and get a higher grade,
we can keep on talking.
But if you've come
here to yell at me,
then this conference is over.
Boom, baby.
I love it.
Don't you wish...
Nice.
All I wanted to say.
Oh, I love that.
Thank goodness somebody said it.
I swear to God,
I would give back half my salary...
...if they would let me...
...punch a parent once a year.
- Yes.
Just once.
So, we play Closer to Fine,
and we'll do it at local establishments.
And, uh, it's the only song I know.
And I don't know it at all.
No, uh, that's a problem,
'cause he doesn't, uh...
... But I look good, so...
...And it's a duo, so we
have to do it together...
... I add color.
You add maybe too
much color sometimes.
Anyway...
In some of the places we play it,
you know, it's...
No, it...
...It's not a colorful bar.
Sometimes...
... So, Alex has been improving lately,
but he does very little homework.
She says she doesn't
know what to do because...
...I lie and tell her that I did my homework,
but she can't check because
she doesn't speak any English.
Si.
Si.
Hey there.
People will say we're in love.
Parent-teacher conference, huh?
I don't miss those.
I didn't know you taught.
Oh, three years.
Wasn't for me.
Look, John, um,
I'm interested,
uh, I really am,
but I just...
I'm gonna need...
...a couple of days.
Well, my advice was to leave you alone,
let you make up your own mind,
but I got overruled.
In favor of what?
They told me to come right over here and...
...raise the offer to 150.
$150,000?
To start.
You're their number one draft pick, Mitch.
Look, you call me tomorrow.
Let me know what you wanna do.
Can I ask what you're thinking?
Uh, I'm thinking it's
an amazing opportunity.
I'm thinking it could change my life.
So what's the problem?
I'm trying to decide whether or not my...
...life needs changing.
You have to hear him out.
- Please.
I've heard this before.
This idea...
It's a great idea.
- Thank you, thank you.
Let's just stop right there, okay.
I'll tell you why it's a great idea,
because we have...
... the oldest, wealthiest,
healthiest generation...
...retiring now,
that are still useful.
That's right.
They can contribute.
My father,
my father is 70 years old,
he's a surgeon, they're
about to force him out of...
...the operating room.
What the hell's he gonna do?
He's gonna live another
40 years with today's...
...technology...
...They will not let that...
He's gonna go crazy.
He should be here,
teaching AP biology,
coaching the golf team
and making a contribution,
like he wants to.
Here's what's gonna happen with that idea.
Once you leave this building with an idea,
it's gonna go to the
bureaucracy, and once...
...they get ahold of it,
they're gonna shut it down.
Not when they realize it's feasible.
So, it's impossible to change.
It's impossible to change.
No, you need to start,
you need to change from within.
Thank you.
You need to... Hey, who's...
...the union rep? That's you.
Yeah.
So, we need to go...
...in through you...
... to get them to change the rules.
Exactly why I...
...No, I wouldn't say
I'm worried about Mitch.
I just wish he'd find more
ways to have fun with his job.
And how does the man begin
the act of intercourse?
Anybody? Lamont?
He puts his penis in her thing?
In her thing.
No, no.
It's called a vagina.
It's a lovely word.
Vagina. Vagina.
It's lovely.
How many jobs do you
know that you get paid to...
... make teenagers feel nauseous?
Kian, homework.
Oh, I... I couldn't do it, Mr. Carter.
It was raining.
What does that even mean?
Okay, guys, we have our
test on Wednesday,
so that means I need all your journal work.
Can I have some quiet, please?
Everybody, get quiet.
Quiet, please.
Marcus, if you don't
shut up, I'm gonna throw...
...you out that window.
Whatever, it's only two stories.
You guys are killing me.
You're killing me.
When his face turns all red like that,
he just cracks me up.
On Thursdays,
I have lunch duty...
...in the courtyard.
Uh, kids like to tell me what's going...
...on in their lives.
Really wish they'd stop doing that.
I cheated on my chemistry test.
He didn't even see.
Jenna and all her skanky friends still...
...talk crap about me.
I just think it's funny.
Can't get this itch on my left nut.
Ah, thanks for the update, Novak.
I appreciate that.
Audrey, do you need something?
I'm his girlfriend.
You're his girlfriend?
How is that possible?
Wow,
your students...
...are so into your class.
Well, don't sound so surprised.
No, no. It's just... It's
not... It's just, I've seen...
...the school's test scores.
And the history department's
are the lowest.
By quite a bit,
unfortunately.
Why do you think that is?
Our department lacks...
... depth.
So you can see here,
very clearly, where the...
...country was divided...
...during the Civil War.
Uh, fun fact,
Kentucky was sort of the Switzerland of,
uh, the Civil War...
... because they were neutral.
Uh, another fun fact,
uh, North Carolina is...
...where my parents live,
so... And, um,
the Mason-Dixon Line is...
...what actually divided the North and the...
...Guys, can you just please listen to me?
I'm really... Look, no...
...No one cares about this stuff, all right?
I'm not gonna pretend
that they do. You'll never...
...need to know this again.
But for today, I need you
to know this, all right?
I just... Can you just take
one standardized test...
...that says...
...you've learned anything
that I've taught you.
Just even like a 25%
would be enough for me...
...to keep my job and my
crappy little apartment...
...and I can drive my used Honda Civic...
...back to the house that
I cry myself to sleep in.
You know what, fine,
I will go to the...
...principal's office.
I will... Does that not
mean anything to you?
What do I say to this kid?
What do I say to her mother?
Try to pin them down
on something factual.
The only way this is all
gonna turn out well is if...
...you get the facts out.
And choose your words carefully.
As soon as you make a judgment on the...
...girl or her mother,
But I'm not just gonna
sit there and let Brian...
...get buried for something...
...I'm not telling you to.
Just remember that the parent...
... sees their child as an
extension of themselves.
There's nothing more
personal to them.
Right, right.
Oh, Brian Campbell, that
guy's going down hard.
It's gonna be ugly.
So glad I don't have to go to that meeting.
I have a colonoscopy this afternoon,
not really looking forward to that either.
It goes to show you
how much I do not want to go...
...to this meeting.
As he...
He didn't do it.
He's a predator.
He is not a predator.
You ever been to the teachers' lounge?
Yeah.
And you reach for the French vanilla...
...coffee creamer?
One time, he took it
from you as you guys were...
... both reaching at the same time.
And used it up.
That's not predatory.
And used it up.
That is not predatory.
I... I was fearing for my sexual well-being.
Oh, come on.
I'm praying for him.
Last night, I prayed for him.
Jackie.
She's being as
supportive as she can be.
'Cause I didn't do it.
Yeah, of course.
Still killing her on the inside.
And when they fire me...
Come on, man, you...
...don't know that.
Ron has to fire me.
It's what I would do.
Just try and keep it
together, please, all right?
My career.
It's over.
Hey.
What am I gonna do for a job?
Will you stop whining about the future...
...and focus on right now, okay?
Protect your family,
protect yourself.
It's not done.
Ah.
Ah.
I'm just gonna...
Can I...
Yeah, go, go,
we got time.
I'm just gonna...
... Go, go.
I'll be right back.
Shit.
I was doing a problem on the board...
...and he came up behind
me and he started...
...massaging my shoulders
and then he slid...
...his hands down the
front of me and started...
...rubbing my breasts.
It's okay, Faith, you don't
have to go into details.
She will have to discuss them with...
...the police, however.
Well, it was my understanding, from our...
...phone conversations,
Mrs. Gregory, that you wanted to keep the...
...police out of this.
I swear, I didn't do anything.
Yes, you did.
For God's sake,
Faith, please...
Mr. Campbell, please control yourself.
You're disgusting.
If he says one more word to her,
we're leaving.
So, it's Brian, Mitch,
the girl and her mother.
No lawyers?
Apparently, Ron is
working as hard as he can...
... to keep the whole
thing off the record.
Well, why am I not surprised by that?
I don't know, but if I was going in to...
...a meeting like that,
I wouldn't want Mitch representing me.
Really? Who else would you pick?
I don't know, but...
I don't know, Mitch...
...would be my first choice.
He's a really good man to have your back.
Yeah.
That's the problem.
He's too good. He's too nice.
Wrong.
Okay.
Mitch is good.
He's not nice.
What's the difference?
He's a good man, but
you get on his bad side,
teacher, student,
anybody, good luck.
Faith...
- I did nothing wrong.
You're going to jail, you bastard.
Okay, all right, let me just interject here...
...for a second, okay?
Um, Faith, I understand
that you're upset, and, uh,
none of us are suggesting...
You think you can just...
...grab any girl you want...
...because you're the big boss?
I did nothing wrong.
You call grabbing my boobs nothing?
No, no,
that is awful, Faith.
He shouldn't work here.
And he...
...doesn't anymore.
Hold on, hold on,
Faith,
right now you just went like this...
... when you talked about what
Mr. Campbell did to you.
But earlier, you said
that he was behind you.
Oh, right, that's...
That's what I meant.
What difference does it make where they...
...were standing?
I don't think we have
to rehash all the details...
... Just a second, Ron.
Faith, I understand that you don't like.
Mr. Campbell's class.
And clearly you don't like Mr. Campbell.
I hate him.
- And that's okay.
That's enough,
Mr. Carter.
You're about to ruin a man's life.
And his career.
Maybe send him to jail.
So what we need
from you, right now,
is to tell the truth.
How dare you.
My daughter is not on trial.
Did Mr. Campbell...
...touch you?
He was looking at me like he wanted to.
But he didn't, did he?
No.
- Faith.
Thank God.
You shouldn't have failed me, you asshole.
What is going on here?
I assure you that we'll
do whatever it takes...
...to resolve this issue.
That was pretty rough.
- How're you feeling?
Like I've been doing this
job for a hundred years,
with a hundred more to go.
John, hey, it's Mitch.
Hi, how you doing?
Yeah, um...
... I'll take it. I'll do it.
Yeah.
Listen, let me talk to you about the...
...details later, okay?
I just... Okay, great.
Great. Thank you. Bye.
Daddy.
Hey, hi.
Hello.
So, what happened?
You're not going to believe it.
She made it up.
What? How do you know?
She admitted it.
Oh, my God.
I know, right.
Oh, my God.
Yay, family hug.
Oh.
It's over.
How did it happen?
I squeezed it out of her.
What, are you on
Law & Order or something?
I could be.
I'm gonna go call Jackie.
Um, hang on,
hang on. I, um...
... I, um...
... I took the job.
You did?
Yeah.
Well, it's good.
It's good,
it's gonna be good.
I know.
It'll be all right.
Yeah.
I'm making my peace with it.
The money is unbelievable.
And when the baby comes,
Kate will be able to...
... take as much time off
work as she needs.
Maybe she won't have to work at all.
It was the right decision.
You wanna put him
in the car? Let him go to the...
...movies or something?
Just coffee for breakfast?
Yeah, I gotta get to school early.
Well, let me at least
finish making your lunch here.
No time, gotta go.
What's the rush?
Well, I have to finish grading all my...
...papers this morning,
so that I can have a meeting with.
Ron this afternoon.
Oh, you're gonna tell him.
How's he gonna take it?
The way I'm gonna tell him?
Not well.
Oh, my God, I should sell
tickets to this meeting.
Daddy? Daddy?
Sweetheart,
what's wrong?
I thought you left
without saying goodbye.
Oh, well, you were sleeping, honey.
I didn't want to wake you up.
You always have to
say goodbye, Daddy.
And give me my milk and watch cartoons.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'll do it tomorrow,
okay? I promise.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, what, and what?
Yup.
Okay, and how 'bout the headphones for...
...good measure, okay?
Your lucky day.
I'm giving you a break.
But you got two. Okay?
Thanks.
For the smart-ass look
you just gave me.
Yeah. Enjoy it. Okay?
I don't... I don't need it.
Listen, the whole Brian
Campbell situation...
...is unfortunate.
But, uh, I have nothing to say about it.
Well, you just said it was unfortunate.
Then I have nothing else to say about it,
okay, Mr. Grammar?
We were hoping to talk
to Principal Douche about it.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
It's a brand new day.
They offered me my job back.
I did not take it.
I've been offered jobs at other schools...
...over the years...
... and I stayed there...
...because I thought
things were gonna change.
I thought Douche...
...Look, the douche will be the douche...
...for the rest of his life.
He's gonna have to wake up,
look in the mirror,
and see himself, and that's
enough punishment for me.
I kind of hope he wakes up with VD.
Ah. That's a little bad karma.
Not... Just the kind
that hurts when he pees.
Burning.
Yes.
'Who is the third president of...
...the United States?'
Answer,
'Mr. Donovan's a homo.'
It's not true, it's mean, it's politically...
...incorrect, and I just...
... These kids, I don't know what to do...
...with them, I mean,
I come in every day and
I do my best and they just...
...yell and they don't listen
and I don't know how...
...to control them.
No, that's your first mistake.
You're not gonna be
able to control them.
They're very energetic,
they're gonna be...
...all over the place.
What you have to do is learn to...
...conserve that energy...
...and try and redirect them
in the direction you...
...want them to go in.
What are you guys talking about?
Ian's just having a little trouble in his...
...history class.
A lot of trouble.
- History?
Mmm-hmm.
Who cares about that?
I'm in the robot business,
and business is booming.
What's the width of a child's neck?
Actually, business is not booming.
Season's off to a terrible start and.
I'm not handling it well.
You call this efficient torque?
Yeah.
Is that a joke?
I have a joke for you.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Second place.
Are you insane?
Terrible. Start over.
What do you have?
It's hyperbolic.
Get under the table.
Get under the table.
Slide over, slide over.
What do you have here? What is...
...Actually, that's pretty good. All right.
You keep up the good work.
Oh, don't be such a crybaby.
Yeah, Mitch won Teacher of the Year.
I've accepted that.
But I will tell you, it's not just...
...about teaching.
Huh? He has a vest on all the time.
Who's the teacher in the vest?
Teacher in the vest, vest, vest.
Kardashian. Jesse James.
Jesus. Publicity
figures. Boom. Huh?
Not me anymore.
Next year,
whole new attitude.
Oh, who's the guy
in the new glasses?
Teacher of the Year.
Honestly, she's got nothing going on.
'Cause she's brain-dead.
Hey.
- Hey.
Brought your lunch.
Oh, how sweet, Mitchie.
Mommy brought you lunchie.
Can I...
Can we go to your room...
...for just a sec?
Yeah.
- Ooh.
Shut up.
Don't take it.
If you think it's the
wrong move, don't take it.
No, no, no, I have to.
I have to.
Yeah, I know I said that, but...
... I was wrong.
I... I don't want to see you working so hard.
You're killing yourself.
But I don't mind it.
But I do.
I do.
I just want us to be together.
We will be.
We are.
Always.
Okay.
Okay.
So, when will you tell your students?
That I'm leaving?
Um, I don't know.
I might not tell them at all.
Isn't that the coward's way out?
Absolutely.
Yeah, but I'm just not sure that I could...
...handle the goodbye.
You're quitting? Why?
Well actually, Ron, I'm
quitting because of you.
Me? Why? Have you
told other people?
No, of course not.
Come on, relax, I'm not...
...quitting because of you.
Oh, my God. God.
Why would you say that?
Because I'm trying to help you out.
I'm trying to help you
understand why the teachers...
...don't respect you...
... and the kids don't like you.
I don't know either of
those things to be true.
Sure you are.
And I know it's killing
you because you're trying...
...so hard to be liked.
Yes, I try very hard.
Yeah, I know, and...
...that's the problem.
It's not your job to be liked, it's...
...your job to lead.
Well, you know what,
I just think that maybe...
... you and I have very
different ideas about...
...how to do this job.
You remember when you
invited the entire faculty...
...to your birthday party...
...except for three teachers?
I realized my mistake,
and I invited them the next day.
Do you remember the meeting you called...
...to draft a new mission
statement for the school,
and you invited the teachers, the parents,
and the kids all into the same room?
That wasn't my meeting.
It was a zoo, Ron.
I mean, the teachers were
fighting with each other,
calling each other names in front of the...
...parents and the kids.
That was Rita's meeting.
They are all your meetings.
God. Can't you just own it?
Can't you just say,
'Yeah, I am responsible'?
Aren't you tired of being such a pussy?
You know what,
you win one award...
... and you think you know everything,
huh? Is that it?
I know what the students
of Truman think of me.
Ron, the kids think you're a dick.
Okay.
We're finished here.
Yeah, it's okay.
I was already done.
Jesus Christ.
That might be a little bit more than...
...he's used to, huh?
You think?
All right, guys,
you had a great week...
...of practice.
Just remember, we play
together, we win together.
Count off.
- One.
Right, that's right,
you play as one,
and we will win.
Hands up.
One, two, three.
- Titans.
Let's go, boys. Get out there.
They'll win a game at some point.
Eh, probably not today,
though. Um, this team...
...is pretty tough,
but my guys are making
a lot of good decisions,
and they'll be rewarded
for that eventually.
Yeah, all right, Chris.
Nice stop,
buddy, nice stop.
Teaching sometimes feels
like you're leading the...
...kids through a dense fog.
Uh, the worst part of this job is the fear...
... that you might not be taking them in...
...the right direction.
Come on, push it up,
push it up.
And then, suddenly, it's
nothing but clear skies.
So, when will you tell your students?
That I'm leaving?
Um, I don't know.
I might not tell them at all.
Isn't that the coward's way out?
Absolutely.
Yeah, but... I'm just not sure that I could...
...handle the goodbye.
You know,
uh, we've been talking...
...to them all week.
The students?
What'd they say?
He works harder than any
teacher I've ever seen.
He's kept me after class and said,
you know, like,
'Don't act like I'm forcing...
...this knowledge on you.'
You know, 'I got something
that belongs to you,
so you gotta take it.'
When he talks to you like that,
let me tell you,
that'll make your ass
pick up a book and study.
He had a real cool swag about him.
Man, thank you for your swag, Mr. Carter.
I told him I wasn't a good writer.
He says we're all writers.
He doesn't just make you a better writer.
For the longest time,
I didn't know what I wanted...
...to do with my life, you know?
But now, I do.
I want to be a teacher.
He's the best.
The best.
The best.
He's the best teacher I ever had.
Well, that means a lot. Thank you.
My daddy helps kids learn and get smarter.
He helps them read and write
and have a better life.
My daddy is a teacher.
We did the VFW.
Yes, we did the VFW.
Definitely won't be...
...going to that one again.
We did, and we did a preschool.
We did the preschool.
Those kids loved it.
Yeah, they were into it.
They were into it.
They. They were
clapping and singing and...
Singin' right along.
They didn't even know the words either.
No.
And I think, sometimes
when you don't know...
...the words, it...
... It's better.
It frees you.
Why do you need to...
...know words to songs?
A lot of times,
words hold you back.
Okay, let's lose the smirk.
Oh, and you're still gonna... You're...
...still gonna laugh.
Okay, that's fine.
I will be treated fairly and...
...taken seriously.
Okay?
So enjoy it.
I'm not gonna write all that out...
...again, you know.
Maintaining a strong relationship...
...with the parents,
well, that,
that's another key.
Nia, uh, would you excuse us, please?
Nia, please.
Okay.
He's gonna use his
imagination on Mommy.
I couldn't help notice you're not...
...wearing a wedding ring.
That is true.
Um, neither am I.
Look what we have in common.
Oh, my God. Um...
...You gotta have a lot of
contacts, all over the place.
We got them everywhere.
And you don't just have the contact,
I mean, you have to hang
with these people.
You gotta get intimate with these people.
You literally have to...
... Hang on a second. Hello?
Okay. All right.
Who's that?
Didn't get in.
Great.
See, but that opens up a slot...
...for another kid.
So that's how we look at it.
You gotta have a positive attitude.
And then you gotta have contacts.
I don't know, but it seems to me...
...that the trophy for Teacher of the Year...
...ought to go...
...to the teacher with the most trophies.
That's just math.
But I don't teach math.
I just teach robotics.
That's not gonna be important
in the future whatsoever.
Whatever, just let the baby have his bottle.
You plagiarized this whole paper.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did, you cut
and pasted the entire...
...thing from the Internet.
No.
See here, you...
...accidentally...
So, you've been teaching for 25 years.
25 years.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
I don't know if that's in your frame. Is that...
...what it's called, frame?
I don't know if it's in
your frame but there's...
...some kids back there.
Ready and willing and able to learn.
So...
...Let's have a great day of
instruction, you guys, huh?
Is that a knife, young man?
What is that,
is that a pen? Okay.
Truman's test scores are
the highest in the area,
and I... I take a lot of pride in that.
But besides myself, um,
you know, the teachers...
...are also a big part
of the success here at Truman.
Okay, you know what, I will
give you each $5...
...if you'll just be quiet for five minutes.
That's a dollar a minute,
that's basically all.
I'm making today.
I will give you today's
salary if you will, please,
just listen to me.
Uh, it's two white women, so...
Oh, it is?
Yeah.
Oh, you didn't...
...tell me that.
Well, it's okay,
it doesn't...
Superfluous, really.
And so, let's just...
You know,
instead of introducing it,
let's just play the song.
Sure. Here we go.
So this is Closer to Fine,
and we are the Indigo Boys.
Indigo Dudes.
Dudes, I like that...
...one better.
Actually,
we should make a banner.
As you know, I started
the FIGHT program...
...on campus this year.
Friendship.
Intelligence.
Gratitude.
Humility.
And trust.
These posters were meant
to encourage the students.
Whoever vandalized these posters...
...didn't think about that for one second.
Some of you guys might be virgins.
It might be a little...
It's okay, guys, it's okay.
Sexuality.
That's where you...
...come into your own.
I'll tell you where you're not gonna find...
...your sexuality out.
North Dakota.
No.
That's a black hole of sexuality.
I mean, nobody finds anything up there.
I'm Asian, but I wear colored contacts...
...to make my eyes blue.
They say that's exactly what they're...
...looking for at USC.
We were teaching that girl a lesson. Okay?
You sometimes have to be
fake to make it in LA.
USC, it's full of phonies.
Period. We said it.
Right?
You want to fit in,
you be a phony.
And by the way, I would
say that to USC's face.
You're a phony, USC.
If they had a face.
If USC had a face...
I'll say it to.
George Lucas.
You're a phony.
Yeah, no. I know Mitch
won Teacher of the Year...
...and I'm okay with it now,
I've accepted it.
He's plays the rube in from the farm, right?
I'm the guy in the vest.
Oh. Scarecrow.
Not buying it.
You know what it is?
It's branding.
That's what he's done.
It's like a sex tape.
In the guise of a vest.
No. No.
I want you to know that you may...
...think this is funny,
but this is not some kind of joke, okay?
And if I ever find out where this...
...fight and drug club is meeting,
I will ruin you.
Soft sticks,
lightly on the slap.
Right in front of...
You guys have the...
...clickers and everything.
Hold up, man.
That's terrific.
We're gonna brighten this up here.
There we go.
It's brightening it up.
Brightening it up.
Interesting.
I didn't know that you could do that. Wow.
Do you call this efficient torque?
Yeah.
Okay, I have a joke for you then.
Uh, knock knock.
Knock knock?
Knock knock.
Knock knock?
Go back to the top.
I was gonna play it out,
'cause it's almost even funnier.
You all right?
- Sorry. Almond.
Nevada.
Nevada. Stay away...
...from Nevada.
You can go.
But you're gonna kill a hooker.
Pause, pause, pause.
Ooh.
Okay, we rolling?
Yeah, you learned a chord.
I'm gonna...
...just play this chord.
Yeah.
Over and over.
Trust me, that's how Poison got a career,
so don't sweat it.
My balls are itchy.
Slow down so I can hear the word 'balls.'
My balls are itchy.
My balls are itchy.
Think about it.
Look, you wanna act?
Mmm-hmm.
Act itchy balls.
Act like you...
...got itchy balls.
Make 'em itch.
My balls are itchy.
If I was telling you my balls itch.
I would tell you...
... This is how I would say
it, 'My balls are itchy.'
My balls are itchy.
All right, Arno,
here we go, buddy.
You got this.
- Rolling.
Scene 100, take 4, marker.
Boom.