english by sub-stance
Submitted here is the story of a little boy,
and a magical christmas wish,
that changed his life...forever
it began in 1985,
in a town just outside Boston
it was christmas eve,
and all the children were in high spirits
that special time of year,
when Boston children gather together
and beat up the jewish kids.
-hey greenbob,uh oh...get him
but there was one child who
wasn't in such good spirits
little John Bennett
that one boy in every neighbourhood,
who just has a tough time making friends
hey guys, can i play?
get out of here bennet,
-get lost bennet
get out of here bennet,
yeah bennet, get lost
John longed with all his heart,for that
one true friend that he could call his own
and he knew that if he ever found
that friend, he would ever let him go
well, as it does every year,
christams morning finally came
all of the children were opening
their gifts with holiday glee
and for little John bennet, christams day
brought a very special new arrival.
Wow.i guess santa payed attention
to how good you were this year huh...
aww, merry christams John
"I love you"
he talks.
im gonna name you teddy
John became instantly attached to teddy,
there was something about that bear
that made him feel as if he finally had a friend.
with whom he could share his deepest secrets
"i love you"
i love you too teddy
you know, i wish you could really talk to me
because then we could be best
friends forever and ever
now if theres one thing
you can be sure of,
its that nothing is more powerful
than a young boys wish
except an apache helicopter...
an apache helicopter
has machine guns and missiles
it is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry.
An absolute death machine
well as it turned out, John had picked
a perfect night to make a wish
teddy...
teddy?
teddy
hug me
your my best friend John
did you... did you just talk...
dont look so surprised, your the one
who wished for it arent you?
yeah...
i did wish for it
well, here i am...
you mean...we get to
be best friends for real?
for...real.
forever and ever?
sounds good to me
John was just about the happiest boy
in the world. And he couldn't wait
to tell everyone the good news
mom...dad...guess what,
my teddy bears alive
really...oh isnt that exciting...
no mom, hes really alive, look...
merry christmas everybody
Jesus H Fuck...
-lets all be best friends.
oh my god. -get away from that thing,
get over here right now.
but dad...
-GET OVER HERE!
LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER,COME HERE,
-Helen, get my gun.
dad...no...
is it a hugging gun?
Helen, get my gun and call the police
im sorry mr bennet, i didnt
mean to scare anybody
i just wanted john and i to be friends
yeah dad, i made a wish last night that
teddy was alive, and my wish came true
oh god
its a miracle
its a christmas miracle
your just like the baby Jesus
well it wasnt long before the news of
Johns little miracle was sweeping the nation
out of a Boston suburb comes, what is
without doubt the most incredible story
a young boys stuffed animal,
has magically come to life
for unknown reasons
LOOK WHAT JESUS DID!
LOOK WHAT JESUS DID!
before long, teddy had become a
huge celebrity in his own right
hello teddy
you surprise me, for some reason i
thought you were going to be taller
i thought you were
going to be funnier...
but for all the fame, teddy never
forgot his very best friend, John
the thunder cant get us, right?
nope. were thunder buddys.
and the thunder knows it
were totally safe
teddy...
-yeah John?
do you promise that
we'll always be together?
i promise.
thunder buddys for life
-thunder buddys for life.
and that was a promise that
niether one of them forgot
so...where are John and teddy today?
well, let me put it this way
no matter how big a splash you make
in this world, weather your a
Corey Feldman,Frankie Muniz,
Justin Bieber...
or a talking teddy bear...
eventually nobody gives a shit
-
TED
-
-
look, all im saying is that Boston women
are, on the whole, a paler uglier sort
than women from the elsewheres of life
thats bullshit...what about Lori?
shes hot...
no Lori's from Pennsylvania
thats not a Boston girl
there not that bad...
see, the fact that you have to say there
not that bad, means that they are that bad
you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?
oh yah, oh yah, hardar hardar
oh god...that was so good.
now im gonna stuff my fucking face
with pepper flan
jesus this is weak,
not even getting me high
im gonna have a talk
with my weed guy
working for me...
i think it sucks, im gonna have
a talk with him
i dont know you want to go to
a drug dealer with complaints
ive known this guy a long time,
ive known him since 9-11
you remember?, i was like,
aww shit 9-11, i gotta get high
is it 9.30?
-yeah...
shit, i gotta get to work
i dont know if i can drive
its ok ill drive you,
i feel fine
fuck...
-aww shit.
aww Johnny im sorry man,
that car just came out of nowhere
aww god is it bad?
John...may i speak with you please?
-shit
its alright, go go go.
ill pull out of here
hi Thomas, how are yah
asshole!
-thats my bad,
i was sending a tweet
John, its almost 10 o'clock
i know sir, im sorry
it wasnt my fault
what do you mean?
well i..i guess i wasnt prepared
for a follow up question
John, all you got to
do is not fuck up
and you get my job when
i go to corporate next month
your the new branch manager
all you gotta do, is not fuck up...
i realise now
-good, glad to hear it.
cos in a month...my life,
could be your life
a cushy 38 thousand dollar a year
branch manager, whos personal
friends with Tom Scarritt
not a bad life is it?
no.
let me show you something i dont
like showing people, cos i dont want
them treating me differently
boom! thats me and scarritt
wow...
god damn right wow
im gonna dock you for dinging the car
and for showing up late today alright
try and be a little more
responsable tomorrow
i will sir, i promise.
"not gonna let you down goose"
what?
Top Gun...
so...
Tom Scarritt...
i know that
get out of here ok
thank you sir
and heres your keys,rental agreement,
complimentary map of Boston
than you for choosing liberty,
drive safely
thanks
-thanks so much.
heard you got busted...
jesus Guy, you look like shit man
what happened?
i dont know, i got fucking wasted last night
and my phone says i texted someone at
and then at 4.30 i texted the
same person saying thanks
and you dont remember it?
-no,same as last time
it just seems kind of gay doesnt it?
i dont know, maybe yeah
do you think your part of some gay
beat up underworld? like one of
those gay beat up clubs or something?
i dont now, i dig chicks man,
i dont remember any of it
i was so fucked up. i might be gay
i dont know. do you mind covering
for me for a bit?
i might go lay down in the John
hey buddys, wheres it hanging?
-hey Alex
whats up?
you get in the club last night?
ahh, i didnt get in because
the bouncer was douche face
but i make friends in the line
well thats good i guess.
hey guys, anybody know a nice restaurant?
like something where they give out
free bubblegum in the bathrooms
for what?
Lori and i have been dating 4 years tomorrow.
i wanna take her some place really nice
aw, congratulations John
you guys have been going out for 4 years?
my last relationship lasted 6 months.
then she farted in her sleep.
im like, im out of here man.
and i was gone before she woke up
wow your not very tolerant huh...
Lori ever fart in front of you?
yeah
really?
-a million times
you italian?
no
why?
nevermind, take her to biniarta
John look, dont you think after
something more than dinner?
like what?
i dont know. but if it were me,
id be expecting a proposal
oh come on, no ones expecting
anybody to propose...
i mean marriage isnt...i mean...
isnt love enough? i submit love is enough
you can put the ring in her ass...
and let her fart it out?
so bad, but so good...
hey by the way, dont let me forget
you and i got to nail down a plan
for the ruins game tomorrow night
oh no i cant,
im taking Lori to dinner
for what?
well, weve been dating
ohh...fuck me, nice
let me ask you something, you dont
think shes going to be expecting
something big do you?
what...like anal?
-no...
like a circular gold
thing on the finger
oh fuck that. its been 4 years Johnny
you and me have been together for 27 years
wheres my ring?
huh...
wheres my ring asshole...
wheres my ring motherfucker?
put it on my
fuzzy finger you fuck.
alright knock it off
im just sayin...
do you think she might be expecting
me to make that kind of a move?
no no no, i dont think
and not only that,
its the wrong time
its a terrible idea, you got the economy,
you got the credit bubble, the supreme court
look at Haiti
i guess i didnt think about that
well you know, its a factor
who are you? -Flash Gordon,
quarterback, New York Jets
this is the american
fantasy right here
a professional NFL player is called
upon to save the world. -yeah.
Tom Brady could do that...
-Tom Brady could do that.
hey...
-hey sweetie
hey Lori
hi
what you got there?
-turkey burgers
oh turkey burgers, are we having
homosexuals over for dinner?
tonight...
-ha, no just you homos...wooo
...you kinda just re-worded my joke,
but haaaa
how was work?
-oh it was fine
hows your dickhead boss?
Rex, is fine.
he only hit on me once today so,
its a good thing
hey Johnny how bout a beer huh?
oh couple of chowbukowskis...
couple of brewstoievskis...
maybe a mibrewstowsky?
perhaps a teddybrewski...
thats a good one
-i think i too want a
martina navratilovaski
oh...no no no
that doesnt work
Bullshit...
that totally worked...
no, no
yeah it does,
-it doesnt work
the name has to have a ski at the
end of it, and you just put brewski
at the end of martina navratilova
i just thought we
were saying funny names
no. it has to have ski at the end of it,
else wheres the challange?
if theres no ski at the end of the root word,
then wed just be idiots saying nonsense
hey
-they found the missing hikers
they did?
-yeah...-what happened?
they said
they got seperated, and one of them had
there foot stuck under a rock for like 5 days
you know, if your leg got trapped under
a rock, id chew it off to get you free
you would?
- i sure would
is that cannibalism?
no, i think its only cannibalism
if you swallow
oh yeah, dont worry about that,
cos i dont swallow
really...cos thats
not what i heard
well its not true ok,
im a classy broad
yeah
i can see that
umm, listen, speaking of classy
chow bellas a really expensive restaurant
so we can go anywhere else tomorrow.
i really dont care as long as were together
are you kidding me?
no, 4 years we've been going out...
im taking you to the best place in town
i love you
i love you too.
-and your nasty
you wanna get nasty?
nasty girl
i dont understand...35 years old and
your still scared of a little thunder
i am not
thunder buddys for life right Johnny
-fucking right.
alright
come on lets sing
the thunder song
when you hear the sound of thunder
dont you get too scared.
just grab your thunder buddy,
and say these magic words
fuck you thunder...
you can suck my dick,
you cant get me thunder,
cos your just gods fart
hey Lori...can you set the alarm for 11 A.M?
i got alot of stuff to do tomorrow
hi Lori
morning
ok
you ok there sweetheart?
you look a little flustered
im fine, i just didnt have time for breakfast
and the garage was full
ohh and thats right, my boyfriend
cant sleep through a thunder storm
without his teddybear
i dont understand why you
keep putting up with him...
yeah, the guys 35 and hes working
for a rental car service...
you guys, its not about that.
i dont care about that
id love him if he was a janitor
he has a huge heart
and we laugh alot
its just a bonus that hes like
the hottest guy in Boston
i dont know, i just wish hed
get his life together
our life...and he cant. and i swear
to god it is because of that bear
you should give him an ultimatum,
its you or the bear
no, i cant do that.
that would devistate him
besides,what...
what if he chose ted?
well hello there, sorry if im
interupting any girl talk about
Channing Tatum's index finger
but Lori, i need to
see you in my office
the thing is Rex, i have alot
of work i need to get through
oh this is work i swear
ugh great.
good luck,
-thank you
hes such an asshole
-out of control...
hes such a sleaze. 100 bucks says
hes showing her the diving photo
check this out
its me on the
high school diving team
we dove the shit out
of the pool that year
you promised me
this was about work
Lori...why dont you like me?
im rich,im good looking,
my dad owns the company...
i have a boyfriend...
i have told you this
yeah, the guy with the bear
but im talking about a
mature relationship Lori
if we were together, our
babies would be spectacular
i mean, my top of the
pyramid caucasian genes
and your splash of...dark...beautiful...
smokey...baltic...
Czech?
-goodbye Rex
ok, that was perfect
would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?
no, im good thank you
actually, could you wrap just this
up for me please? i wanna scare
the shit out of somebody
sure
what are you, like 5 years old?
-yeah
but i read at a 6
year old level,so...
sir...and madam
here is your desert,
and champagne
ohh...cristal
its a special night,
we've been dating for 4 years
and hey...all those rich black people
cant be wrong right?
doesnt feel like 4 years does it?
no it doesnt
you know, you had no business being
out on that dance floor.But im
really happy that you were
-
this song is so great
oh yeah, Chris Brown
can do no wrong
wow you can really move
you like that huh?
check this shit out
oh my god
are you ok?
oh god, i am so sorry
im fine,im fine
jesus im so sorry, i didnt see
you it was an accident
did you hurt your head?
-yeah
my head hurts alot
oh man, here,
let me get you some ice
sorry...sorry,
does it hurt?
no
it...its fine
ok, heres a test to see how much
you actually care about me
you remember the night after the club,
we went and had late night eggs and waffles
till about 5 A.M, we watched a movie
on the little tv in the diner
name that movie...
"octopussy"
baby...gold star
and by the way, my dancing
was not that bad
it was pretty bad...
-i have cool moves
yeah, and so do people
with parkinson's
thats not how i remember it
ok how do you remember it?
alright...whatever you say
hey, heres to 4 more years huh
cheers,
-you make me happy
i know we said no gifts,but...
-we said no such thing...
but i got you something anyway,
in clear violation of the no gift rule
we had no such rule...
Lori, i wanted to give this
to you for a long time
John...
those are the ones you like right?
from the kiosk at the mall
yeah...
you know Lori, some day theres
gonna be a ring in there
but i want to wait till i get
you something really special
i just do have the money right now
look, im only saying
this because i love you
your not going to have any sort of
career if you wasting time with ted
oh geez here we go...
baby, please ask ted to move out
so we can move on with our lives
Lori, look hes been my
best friend since i was 8
i was not a popular child,
you have to understand
i had no friends before he came along
hes the only reason i ever
gained any fucking confidence
but your no longer 8,
your 35 years old
and unless your too blind to notice,
hes not your only friend anymore
can we talk about this another time and
just enjoy our anniversary dinner?
oh shit, hang on a second
my phone fell under
the seat somewhere
can you call it?
yeah
is that a new ringtone?
oh, yeah
what is it, cos it sounds negative
no,no, its from the notebook
this is gonna take some doing i think
-ill just meet you upsatirs then...
yeah, ill be right there
ugh,
Lori...your home early
what the hell is this?
the ladys and i were just
watching Jack and Jill
Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister
its...its just aweful
its unwatchable, but they're
hookers so its fine
this place is a wreck,
who are these girls?
oh where are my manners, Lori
this is Angelic,
heavenly,sharinne and
sovereign blanc
i love you girls. You know somewhere
out there, are four terrible fathers i
wish i could thank for this great night
what is that?
what is what?
theres a...a shit on my floor
in the corner, there is a shit
oh, yeah, we were playing truth or dare...
ad sharinne's pretty ballsy
theres a shit on my floor!
well, or... or is the
floor on the shit...
who lives here? im coming to get
whoever lives here
you owe me lobster money
haha, thats my buddy Johnny,
not the lobster, the guy running it
i found my phone,
whats going on?
is that a shit?
god there are some fucked
up fish out there
oh look at that one.
waspy white guy fish
i married the wrong woman, and
now i lead a life of regret
oh look at this guy, i went
to new york once, in 1981
and i just did not feel safe
ted, you gotta move out
you...what
its gotta happen
what did i do?
my relationship is at a very
delicate stage, you know
Lori and i just need a
little space right now
plus, a hooker took a shit
in out apartment
oh god
-what?
oh this is so gross
dont tell me, i dont want
to hear about it. you get it?
oh my god
no i didnt get it!
oh my god
i got some on my thumb
no!
-yes i did
you can never cook with
that hand again
oh my god this is the most disgusting
thing ever. -get away from me
look, that was tough
night for all of us
ted, you mean everything to me,
and so does Lori
i mean im just trying to find a way
to keep both of you in my life
shes making you do it isnt she?
yes, but that doesnt mean we cant hang out.
well hang out all the time
yeah but
what bout thunder buddys
for life Johnny
i know. i just dont know what to do here
i know it sucks
but otherwise im gonna lose her
and i do lover her ted
i know you do Johnny
ill help you get on your
feet out there, i promise
i know, and we'll hang out all
the time right?
-all the time
all right fuck it, bring it in
come here, bring it in you bastard
"i love you"
-fuck..shit..sorry
thats the...the thing
im not gay
-i know
and your not gay so were fine
we got to get you a job
i look stupid...
no you dont you look dapper
i dont. i look like snuggles accountant
come on, its not that bad
John, i look like something you give
a kid when you tell them grandma died
look, i know it sucks ok
but you gotta make some money so
you can pay for an apartment
i dont want to work at a grocery store
yeah but you have no skills
i told you, i can
totally be a lawyer
you get the job,
were celebrating after ok
ahaa, and if i dont get the job...
are we still going to smoke that pot?
probably yes
ahaa yeah, good talk coach
alright buddy
go get em
and dont worry, ill do my very best
to get this job that i so crave
so you think you got what it takes?
i tell you what i got...
you wifes pussy on my breath
nobodys ever talked to
me like that before
thats because eveyones mouth
is usually full of your wife's box
your hired
shit.
well, i am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job
this is how the cast of different strokes
feels all day, every day.Aweful, they must
feel aweful..the live ones must feel aweful.
come on, its not that bad ok
i got a shitty job and i assure you
i am quite content
excuse me
im sorry to bother you but,
my son and i couldnt help
but admire your teddy bear
oh thank you
-thanks
im Donny this is Robert
i have to say, ive been following you
ever since i was a young boy
and eh, i remember seeing
you on the carson show
you were just wondeful
oh yeah, that was a weird interview
Ed thought i was Alf. and he kept
muttering anti semitic comments.
thought Alf was Jewish for some reason
have you ever considered selling the bear?
-what? - excuse me
i want it
hey...im not an I pal im a HE, alright
im sorry little guy, but my bear isnt for sale,
see ive had him since i was about your age
hes very very special to me
-stand up straight when
your talking to me
why the fuck would he say that?
sorry, you know you really shouldnt
swear infront of children
uh look, were very interested in the bear.
if you want to make some sort of arrangement,
heres my address and phone number
you can call me anytime ok?
-will do
look,here it goes, in the really important
pocket for really important stuff
ok?
-ok
see you later
ok come on Robert
-take it easy
what the fuck...
can you imagine what that
little shit would do to me?
i can totally see him taking you down to
the basement and slowly delimbing while
singing some creepy victorian nursery rhyme
"oh my little sixpence
my pretty little sixpence"
-stop it
" i love my sixpence"
-knock it off
stop it, fuck. why you got to take it to
that place..you took it to a...that was real
now its a real thing
-aww come on,take it easy
lets just find a better
place to get stoned
well i guess this is it huh?
yeah, i guess so
first night on your own
yeah, first night in my
beatiful new apartment
well itll be great
when its furnished
yeah. and the guy said it aint hardly
had no murders in it, so thats good
ok, so...
if you need anything
-yeah
i know. dont worry Johnny, ill be fine
i know you will
alright
hey there
hey
listen, umm
i just want to say thank you
i know what you did wasnt easy
and i just want you to know
that i love you for it
and... i think its a new
beginning for our relationship
anything for you
this is all part of the new
grown up John Bennett,so
you better get used to him
really...
well...now i dont have to be at
work for another 20 minutes
well thats perfect,
cos im only going to need 1
you know what my favourite
thing about you is?
even after 4 years,
you can still surprise me
and to step up and change such
a huge part of your life just
to make your girlfriend happier
i dont know, i guess most
guys wouldnt do that
well most guys dont have
you to motivate them
i know im not a talking
teddybear, but...
at least you dont have to make
a magical wish to get me
how do you know?
ohh...is that a Flash Gordon ray gun,
or are you just ahppy to see me?
there you go.thank you very much,please
come again we have alot more grocerys
hey uhh, hey Ellen
-yeah?
whos that over there?
oh thats the new check out girl
i dont know her name. seems cute
yeah. very cute
you know what id like to do to her?
something i call a dirty fozzy
ok...alright...so thats
where well draw the line
hey...how you holding up?
oh im alright, im just getting
used to things thats all
its going to be alright
i actually went through something
like this with my last boyfriend
really?
-yeah
we were together for 8 months
and i really loved him
and then he got deported back to Iran,
so i know what your going through
oh yeah. so i guess we both
lost our furry little guy
we sure did
hey ted. hey Johnny what are you doing?
wanna come over and catch a buzz?
well i could probably
stop by after work
fuck that, i traded off yesterday
so i got the other shift
come on, im bored as crap over here.
just swing by for a bit...
i cant just ditch work man
im trying to get my shit together and be
an adult here you know, for Lori's sake
Johnny, 5 minuites and
ill kick you out, i promise
just come over.
i got the cheers dvd boxset
and the guy down at the store told
me everybody talks shit about each
other in the inteviews
youll kick me out in 5?
i will kick you out in 5
John, ill have to kick you out.
i have so much teddybear paperwork
to get through it is sick
what do i tell Thomas?
just tell him you dont feel well
i got to cut out for a bit,
Lori tried to break up a dog fight
and guess she got hurt pretty bad
oh my god
yeah thats the way she is. she sees
trouble and she tries to help out
and i guess one of these dogs clamped
its jaws on her forearm, and wouldnt
let go untill a fireman showed up
and had to stick a finger in its ass
oh jesus
-yeah shes pretty shook up
up the dogs ass right...
yeah the dogs not the firemans ass
i thought the fireman stuck
his finger up his own ass
i dont think a firefighter
would do that, i mean...
well go go, take care of it, let me
know how she is. thank you. -Go
woody harrelson...smallest dick
ive ever seen on a man
see, thats why i watch these things.
its like a cool behind the scenes
thing that you wouldnt know
oh hey, listen, try this.
i told my weed guy to step it up,
and he gave me that
what is it?
its called mind rape,
its actually pretty mellow
it doesnt sound very mellow
well he only had 3 other batches
uh, gorilla panic...uh,
there coming there coming
and something called
this is permanent
come on , spark it up
there you go, you got it
ahahaha, nice
good huh? good job
-yeah
take pride in that
-you know, this place looks great
aww thanks man, its all Ikea,
did the whole place for $47
nice...
-yeah
how are the neighbours?
ah, you know, theres an asian family
living next door, but they dont have
a gong or nothing so its not too bad
thats lucky
-yeah it is
hows work?
-sucks
you?
-you know,not bad actually
i met a girl, shes a cashier
no way, thats awesome
-yeah
we should fucking double date, you me
and Lori and...whats her name?
white trash name, guess...
mandy?
-no...
marilyn?
-no...
brittany?
-no...
tiffany?
-no...
candice?
-no...
dont fuck me on this,
i know this shit
do you see me fucking with you?
alright speed round.im gonna rattle
off some names, and when i hit it,
fucking buzz it ok?- i will tell you
you got me?
alright
brandy, heather, shanine,briana,
amber,sabrina,melody,dekota
ciara,bamby,crystal,samantha,autumn
ruby,taylor,tara,tammy,lauren,
shelly,shantelle,courtney,misty,jenny,
krista,mindy,nowel,shelby,trina,
casandra,nicky,kelsey,shauna,joleen
ilene,claudine,savanha,casey,dolly
kendra,kyley,chloe,demelu
fucking becky?
-no
was it any one of those names
with a lynn after it?
...yes...
ohh i got you motherfuker,
i got you
ok...brandy-lynn,heather-lynn,
tammy-lynn
FUCK!
what the hell
hey man, you think you can open
more than 1 register?
theres like a 1,000 people here
theres supposed to be 3 open
for gods sakes
stick your finger in
the loop of my tag
you had sexual intercourse ontop of
the produce that we sell to the public
-i fucked her with a
parsnip last week...
and i sold the parsnip to a
family with 4 small children
that took guts
we need guts.
im promoting you
-you got alot of
problems dont you?
alright karim
you suck karim
hello...
hey ted
oh, hey there fella
how are you?
are you out here all alone?
uhh,no, no im not
you know, your never alone when
your with christ, so...
no im not alone
yeah
yeah me too
you know Robert and i could
give you a very good home
you know, im pretty happy where i am
i just got a shitty new apartment
i could offer you $6,000
in railroad bonds
well you know, since i just returned
from active duty in the civil war
that actually sounds very appealing
oh wait, sorry that was 150 years ago
and i dont give a shit...
ok
teddy come on, were going to be late
for dinner with your friends
ok, ill be there in a second baby
as you can see,
my dance card is quite full
im going to have to decline
can i just get a hug?
oh, no...
-yeah
and it kills me to have to tell you no.
because im a people pleaser
but,thank you for creeping up my night
and jesus be with you...-ok
in christ
who was that guy?
oh, that was sinead o'connor,
she dont look so good no more
how great is this huh?
the 4 of us out to dinner
how long have we been saying
we were gonna do ...
Lori, how you doing?
i havent talked to you in forever
im good
the companys having there 20th
anniversary party next week, so...
thats something
Lori's a senior vp at a
pretty huge P.R firm
its not that big of a deal
companys turning 20...so you can
bang it,but you cant get it drunk
right...
yeah she gets it
she enjoys my humour
yeah, i mean Rex is having a house party,
im surprised John didnt tell you
considering you two have seen each other
every single day since you moved out
well you know, its funny cos
whenever Johnny and i hang out
the first item on our agenda is...
whats going on with Lori?
so you know its funny that didnt come up.
it musta have slipped through the cracks
we do, we talk about you all the time
you remember the other day? i was saying
how great Lori's hair always looks
oh my god it always looks so fucking great
i just want to brush it, you know
right Johnny... i say that
so, tammy-lynn. why dont you tell
us a little bit about yourself
like where you from? im always
fascinated to meet teds girlfriends
what do you mean girlfriends? was
there like alot of them or something?
no...thats not what she meant at all
right Lori?, Lori you didnt mean that
no, no, what i meant to say was that teds
very handsome, so im always interested in
meeting the lady that can snatch him up
did you just call me a whore?
-what?
you just worry about your own snatch
how bout that honey...
wow, hey...what the hell happened?
we were having a friendly meal
-this was a nice evening
dont talk shit to me
i just asked you a question
you know, your a frickin snob
you think your all cool cos you
work at some fancy shit place
whatever.-ok take it easy.
nice Lori, real nice
me...its not my fault she
cant speak english
oh fuck you. just cos your in the business
world and shit, you think everyone should
suck your asshole or something?
ok,alright. tammy, come on honey, lets
get out of here. well go back to my place
for a couple of vodka and strawberry quicks
you know what bitch, i gave birth
once, i can kick your fucking ass
and you better not show your face
around quincy, you hear me? ever
i didnt know you had a baby,
is it alive?
what a cunt...
i hate that word
-what?
that word, its like an electric saw
slashing everything in its path
why would you say that?
you dint exactly stand up for me...
im trying to walk a line here.i want
to be fair to you and to him, you know
well i think your being a
little more fair to him
oh, come on...
you know your boss called this
morning asking how my arm was
huh...-yeah because of the dog fight
that i tried to break up
if i had to guess, id say you made up
some bullshit excuse to get out of work
to go to teds.
now...
am i right?
...i made you out to be a hero
you know what John, we asked ted to move
out, to give ourselves a chance without it
your not giving anything a chance
if your blowing off work to get
high with your teddybear
your right. ive been getting
stoned too much i know that
ive been bumming around with ted
too much, i know that too
you give me one more chance,
i promise i can fix it
John, i need a man.
not a little boy with a teddybear
i know, done, man
right here infront of you, look at
these pecks...these are man pecks
look at the hair on my upper lip...
thats man hair
i just farted,
that was a man fart
fine...
fine John, but this is,
i swear to god your last chance
trust me, i love you
alright, i love you
i love you so much.
you wont be sorry i swear
did you really just fart?
yeah...but i pushed it
that way with my hand
i wonder who its going to hit first
"so if i told them once, i told them a
million times,these numbers do not add up"
who did this to us?
god damn it, im here on business
alright, here we go
im really glad that you came
-me too
yeah?
is it ok if i kick your boss's ass?
i mean that wont effect your
workplace chemistry will it?
please play nice
for you i will
thank you
-anything
there she is... i was worried
you weren't coming
hey there squirt, how you doing?
wheres your bunny rabbit?
hes a bear
-got it
oh my god, this
house is fucking huge...
i know, try not to get lost.
come on in
wow, here are the ladies.
look at you guys
you guys look amazing
little heavy on the eye make up,
but pretty good
you guys know Lori and Jim right?
...John
hi
listen, why dont John and i
go get a drink at the bar
uh...sure
-great, well be right back
come on buddy
thats an old sweater huh
this is Wade Boggs
autographed bat
i just barely outbid phil donoghue
for that at auction
wow cool
yeah...cool
these boxing gloves worn by
Joe Lewis in his first fight
this is art, get it?
these were John Lennon's glasses
there worth like a million dollars
thats me and Tom Scarritt
ohh...check this out
thats Lance Armstrong's nut
i had it freeze dried and bronzed
every now and then, when my lifes
getting me down and things are tough.
i just come up here, and i look at it
and it reminds me that...
things arent so bad
sometimes you feel like a nut
sometimes you dont
so, talk to me Johnny quest,
how are things with you and Lori
you know, things are great actually
oh thats great
that ...is...great
Lori would hate me for saying this, but
she told me how you are at the office
and as one gentleman to another,
i justwant to say, i really fucking
hope you get lou gehrig's disease
wow...i think we need to clear
the air here a little
i mean yeah, im kind of a fun time
boss and what not
but look man, i do that with
everybody at the office
im a cook
i have no designs on your girlfriend
we work together and thats it
i think your a great guy.
and shes a very lucky girl
well thats good to hear
yeah
excuse me
hey ted
Johnny, were are you
you gotta get over here man.
why whats going on?
ok, so
im having a little impromptu thing
with some people at my apartment
and John...Sam Jones is here
what!
sam jones...Flash fucking Gordon
...is here
holy shit, what
you remember i said my buddys cousin
is friends with sam jones?
well my buddys cousin is in town,
and who do you think is with him...
sam jones...sam jones is here and John
...his hair is parted down the middle
-just like in the movie...
yes!, get over here right now
fuck i cant,im with Lori
and im already on probation
i just...i cant
John, Flash Gordon was the most important
influence of our informative years.he
taught us right from wrong, good from evil
and the word acting apparently
has an extremly broad definition
Flash Gordon is the symbol of our
friendship John. come share this with me
im coming
Rex, i gotta go. ill be back
in like 30 minutes tops ok
Lori can not find out. she absolutely
can not know i was gone
if you can cover for me, im cool
with all that other shit
i got your back on this
she wont know ive been there
alright, this is one man to another
i dont really know you, but im trusting
you as a man.
this is serious
dude...one man to another,
i got you on this
thank you, ill be back
im going to have sex
with your girlfriend
oh Johnny thank christ, you made it
dude, i got 10 minutes.
where's Flash Gordon?
ok get ready
hey sam, this is the guy
i was telling you about
how you doing?
good to meet you
i thank you for saving
everyone of us
your welcome
ahh,he acknowledged it
lets do some shits
-with you?
oh my god...oh my god yes
-yes totally
lets go
thanks
there you go my friend
-thank you
"death to Ming"
you know, you guys seem pretty cool
you like to party?
uhh...cocaine right?
come on dudes, dont tell me
you never done it before
well uh, not recently no.-i thought
that was just for people in florida
you better follow me,
come on
Johnny im frightened
we are gonna party like the 80's
show us how Flash
its easy, we just gotta nail alot
of girls named stephanie
oh my god Johnny i got so much energy
we better start doing stupid shit
look Johnny, if were ever going to get
serious about opening a restaurant,
we gotta start planning it now
Italian...
-Italian yes
whats the specials on tuesdays?
eggplant parm
chopped salad, half price
-and its a non restrictive place
wait, what do you mean?
-anybody can come
ofcourse...
-Jews are welcome
yeah, why wouldnt they be?
-exactly, thats what im saying
why would you even bring that up?
-you dont bring that up, you let them in
so why mention it?
-no one will
why are we talking about it?
-your talking about it,
im just saying let them in
yeah exactly, right, good, ok
no mexicans though...
this is how everyone sang in the 90's
trust me, i can do this
-shut up
let him try man
-alright, ok
son of a bitch
...well you never should have
trusted me, im on drugs
hey Johnny. i just had a great idea
lets go get drunk at cars on the overpass
oh come on, i do not sound that
much like peter griffin
you can do any 90's song
with just vowels
see, there, proof.Garfields eyes
look like a pair of tits
you were right
if you can punch through this wall
you really are Flash gordon
you gonna do it?
-im gonna punch through it
go on sam, do it
-do it
oh my god...oh my god
yes, he did it
what they hell your problem, you
breaker my wall, i breaker your wall
break his arm off
-were gonna die
you breaker my wall,
dis my home long time
you breaker my wall you bastard men
were sorry
it was an accident ok..
i try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere
chill out ok, look. can we just
talk about this? whats your name?
im John.
my name a Wan Ming
Ming...
you blame each other for war,
this bullshit, this all bullshit
"Deah to Ming"
let him go
you crazy, you crazy man
come on james franco
you pay for wall,
move sucker
hey...
-hey guy
whats going on?
this is Gerrard, hes the
guy who beat me up
and ahh...were in love.
-huh?
turns out im gay,
or whatever i dont know
i had no idea
hey Gerrard, lets go grab
another one of these
how we doing ace?
you coming down?
yeah, i dont feel so good
oh give it a couple of hours,
youll be golden pony boy
you want a xanax?
oh shit, oh my god
-what?
i gotta go
...Lori...i...
Lori
Lori, wait please
im sorry, i messed up. - i need you
out of the apartment tonight
can i just...
-give me the car keys
can i please just explain...
-no
i was...-i have givin up a huge
chunk of my life for you
i was gonna stop in for like 5 minutes,
then Flash Gordon...
just give me the car keys
Lori
Lori please, i love you, come on
hey johnny, there you are
i had to get some air
that dude from your office is on the couch,
making out with that Van Wilder looking guy
you know what, fuck you,
i dont even want to talk to you
what...
-do you know what just happened?
do you have any clue?
my fucking life just ended
oh come on, shell go home, shell watch
Bridget Jones some asshole, shell have
a good cry.she'll be fine.
youll talk to her tomorrow
come on upstairs
are you even listening to me?
do you even give any thread of a shit?
ofcourse i do...Johnny,
thunder buddys for life, remember
jesus, Lori was right.i shoulda stopped
hanging out with you along time ago
im never going to have a life with you around.
im 35 years old and im going nowhere
all i do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy fucking bear
because of that, i just
lost the love of my life
Johnny...i...im sorry
i gotta be on my own ted.
i cant see you anymore
John, wait, listen
"i love you"
so, word through the grapevine
is that your newly solo
Rex, i have alot of work
i need to get to
i have tickets to norah jones
at the hatshell tonight, and i
would love it if you'd go with me
your asking me out?
a week after i broke up with somebody...
look, im going to cut the shit here
please
this is the first time you've been
single in all the years you've worked here
just...go out with me one time?
and if your miserable, and you
hate it.then i promise, i will
never hint at the subject again
please
Rex, i dont think its smart
im an asshole, i know that.
it worked for me in highschool.
and its been a reflex ever since
Lori, the worst that can happen is you
go on a fun casual date, with a guy
who just wants to prove that he
can be something more than a jerk
plus you are a huge catch, and its
about time someone treated you that way
fuck it, fine
sure beats crying myself to
sleep every night
and if that means getting you
off my back,well thats just a bonus
ill pick you up at 8
hey Johnny, its me
go away
Johnny open the door please,
i want to talk
jesus christ, what the fuck man
sorry, look Johnny,
i know your pissed alright
but just listen to me for 5 seconds
i saw Lori leaving the
apartment with Rex
what?
im serious John. i went over to talk to her,
maybe take some of the heat off you
and there he was, picking her up
they were going to the hatshell
your fucking unbelievable
you know that
i mean how stupid do
you think i am?
if you think that by making shit up like
that your going to make me choose some
kind of loyalty to you over her
your out your fucking mind.
John its the truth im telling you
you know what, get out of here
you know what, your acting like a cock
you know that?
what?
im acting like a cock?
yes, you are. so shut your meat hole
for a second and listen to me
huh?...meat hole ,
thats not right is it...no
pudding hole...is that what they say, no
cant be that either right.cos how can you
have any pudding, if you dont eat your meat
pink floyd thing...the point is,
your blaming me, for something
that you did to yourself
Lori was right about you. you cannot
take any responsibility for anything
that goes on in your life
oh and you can?
i dont have to,
im a fucking teddybear
you know something... i didnt tie
you up and drag you to that party
alright, i wanted you to come because
your supposedly my best friend
you cant stand there and tell
me you havent always seen Lori
as a threat to our friendship
i mean it works out so much better
for you when were getting fucked
up on the couch at 9A.M doesnt it?
listen to yourself, what am i, emperor
ming here controlling your mind
thats your choice John. and you know
by blaming me, you just make
yourself look like a pussy
you know, sometimes i think back to that
christmas morning, when i was 8 years old
i wish id just gotten
a teddy ruxpin
say that 1 more time...
teddy...rux...fucking...pin
shit, ou
fuck man
fucking stop
why you crying?
my dick is squished by the t.v
im so sorry Johnny
so am i man
i love you
i love you too
listen
you gotta let me help you make
things right with you and Lori
theres no putting things right,
she fucking hates me
look , john, we can get her back
you remember when you were 10?
and you hit that squirrel with your bb gun
and then when we seen it fall from the
tree we both started crying, you remember?
and we ran upto it, and
we tried to give it CPR
and it came back to life
John, we could do that again
ted, we blew out its rib cage and crushed
its lungs trying to give it CPR
it died
come on, were going to the hatshell
thanks. were gonna take a short break,
but well be back in a few
hey, play chopsticks you jazzy slut
teddy...
how are you?
how you doing you fuzzy
little asshole?
oh you know, im not a hot half muslim
chick whos sold 37 million records,
but im hanging in there
half indian, but thanks
yeah whatever, thanks for 9-11.
hey listen, i want you to meet
a good pal of mine alright
John Bennett...norah jones
hi
-hey there...sweaty
you ready to bring down the house?
yes ma'am. thank you for the
opportunity miss... ma'am...jones
thank you
jesus, you look fantastic
well, your probably not used
to seeing me fully clothed
i know right. me and norah met in 2002
at a party at belinda carlisle's house
and we had awkward fuzzy
sex in the cloak room
actually you wernt so bad
for a guy with no penis
yeah. you know, ive written so
many angry letters to hasbro about that
thank you
so im going to give my chops a rest,
and bring a friend upto the stage
hes going to sing a song to a special
lady in the audience who he loves very much
please give a big hand,
to John Bennett
oh...my god
holy shit
i gotta fuck her again
umm high, my names John bennett
and this is for Lori Collins,
cos i love you
and this song always reminds me
of the most important night of my life.
the night we met
umm, this is the theme song
from the movie octopussy
still better than Katy Perry
you suck, get off the stage
aww come on, give him a chance
your an asshole
oh jesus
someone call an ambulance
that was insane
did you see the way the guys body hit
the ground?. it was like a rag doll
id rather just not talk about it
you want to go get a drink after this?
i feel like i could use one
after seeing a guy almost die
uh nope, i think id rather
just have you take me home
one drink
come on
no, not really feeling upto it
alright, i get it
and you know, i dont blame you
i mean thing about it, it was actually
unfair of him to embarrass you like that
just to be clear,
im not embarrassed
so John and i have our problems,
but at least he tried
you know what, i dont feel
like talking to you about this
where you going?
taking a cab, im going home
finally
down here, not looking up your
towell, swear to god
not looking up your towell,
not looking at your funny business
ted, what are you doing here?
i need to talk to you
listen if your here to fight
Johns battles for him its not...
just let me talk first alright,
and then you can say whatever you want
look, John loves you very much
more than anything in the world
and hes falling to fucking
pieces without you
he knows he screwed up huge. but you
gotta believe me,
it wasnt all his fault alright. i told
him to bail on you that night at Rex's
and he said no, he was going
to stay there with you
and i twisted his arm Lori
so if you just give
him one more chance
i promise i will leave,
and ill never come back
alright...hell be all yours
ted, thats a really nice offer.
but i dont want you to do that
this is between John and me,
and i dont think it can be fixed
yeah because of me
look look Lori,
you want him to be a man
but as long as hes got his teddybear,
hes always going to be a boy
hes waiting down at Charlies right now,
so if you go down there and just talk to him
ill be gone when you get back
forever
and youll see. hell never be
scared of thunder again
michelob ultra tuscan
orange grapefruit
my god, americas imploding
high ted
fuck!
Lori...what...
hey
what are you doing here?
you can thank ted
should i...should i sit?
yeah...if you want
-ok
so works good?
everythings good there?
yeah, works good
well i guess we cant make
small talk all day huh?
if its ok with you, i just want
to say what i want to say
look i could sit here and tell you
im sorry, and it was a huge
misunderstanding, im ready to change
but i dont think you want to
hear any of that crap
im not going to try and get you
to take me back. i mean, why would you
ive been a really shitty boyfriend for
the last 4 years, i dont deserve you
look, i know i didnt take our
relationship seriously, but Lori
i do love you more than life itself
and i want is...
i just want to end on good terms
i owe that to you
alright, i want you to be happy,
you deserve that
and i just hope, you know,
that we can still be friends
thank you for being so honest
that was pretty much it
thanks for coming by
yeah
as you can see, youve been a part
of our family for quite some time
welcome home
yeah its kinda funny, i got alot
of pictures of you guys at my house
is he all mine daddy?
yes he is my little winner,
yes he is
ted you've arrived at a lucky time,
its almost Robert's play hour
im guessing you guys dont have a ps3
im guessing your more of a wooden
horse with a wig kinda family
yeah
eh yeah, no
yeah
yeah see theres a cart
ted, you belong to Robert now.
you do as he says
you think your just gonna get away
with a kidnapping?. its a nice fucking
example your setting
LANGUAGE!...sorry sorry
you know ted,
when i was a little boy
i saw you on television, and i thought
you were the most amazing most
wonderful thing id ever seen,ever.
and i asked my dad if i could have
a magical teddybear too
and he said no
can you just email me
the rest of this story...
and i was so heartbroken
and i promised myself that if i
ever had a son,i would never, ever,
ever, say no to him
ever
maybe no to a snickers bar every
once and a while wouldn't hurt
me and ted are going to
be best friends daddy
yes you are my little chipmunk
happy playtime
jesus fucking christ
i said that word one time
daddy punished me for it
thats a great story,
i felt like i was there
daddy gave me an ouch
now...i have to give you an ouch
alright kid you win, what you
want to do? you want to play a game?
its playtime right, well play a game
yeah, ill play a game
-good
uh, alright lets see, how about
we play a little game of hide and seek?
i love hide and seek,
ill hide
now hang on there, your daddy likes
you to show good manners,
right Tubby McFatfuck
ok, you hide first
great,fantastic. now,you count to 100
and then you try to find me, ok?
do i need to wash my hands
before i play this game?
no...thats a weird fucking question,
no just start counting
ok,no peeking now,
or youll get kid cancer
hey. - hey.
-walking home alone huh?
yeah
do you need a lift?
oh im ok, i mean if i get raped, then
it would be my fault for what im wearing
listen, John
theres something that i
need to say to you too
hey, -hey
-John, i hope that...
listen i dont want
you to think that...
sorry
i want us to keep talking...
because i think that maybe...
look,whoever this is,
its not a good time
John, its me, can you hear me?
ted?...listen i gotta call you back
nono no, John dont hang up
im in trouble
what do you mean?
what kind of trouble?
they got me, that freaky guy from
the park and that kid
who i think is his son, but may
also be his lover, i dont know
wow wow wow, slow down.
where are you?
uh..im not sure.its uh...
hello...
hello John...
hello...
your not a very
polite guest are you?
shit!
-ted, hello...
ted
whats the matter?
is he ok?
i dont know
-well where is he?
i dont know, he just
said he was in trouble
can you call him back?
no its blocked
wait a second
go, take colombus to hylton,
get on the express way
hello, 911.
i need the police right away
this guy took my teddybear
hello...
let me out of here,
you crazy bastards
oh...oh...i hear the fat kid running,
i hear the fat kid running.
...that is hilarious
come on, let me out of here
i am a citizen of the United
Stated of America, and i have rights
Robert, seatbelt
should be right here somewhere
Johnny
wow wow wow, stop stop stop
thats them,turn around
stay with them
hang on
back off Susan Boyle
oh my god, hes gonna jump
get closer
alright, easy...
-come on ted
shit
-yes
hey Johnny,
total T.J Hooker right?
yes!, fucking A right!
go go go
daddy
lets see how well you
know these streets
where is he?
jesus
there he is, pullover
no...you cant have my teddybear...
holy shit
sorry, somebody had to go
joan crawford on that kid
come on
ted...
oh my god
ahh shit
jesus, stay here
-no no no John
wait John
-stay here
your mine ted
screw you pal,
i belong to John Bennett
but i can give you love
and rocking horses,
and dancing
i think we're very
far apart on this
ted...
-Johnny
oh my god
ted
John
Lori, get the stuffing.
get it all
Johnny...
your gonna be ok buddy, can you
understand? your gonna be fine
jesus, i look like the
robot from Aliens
look at me buddy. i promise,
your going to be ok
i dont think so
im a...im...im in trouble
i need...i need to
tell you something
what is it?
dont...dont ever
lose her again
shes the most important...
most important
part of your life
even...even more than me
shes your thunder buddy now
shes...
i got it
baby, i dont know if
this is going to work
please, just try
come on buddy
im so sorry
you did everything you could
im so sorry
ted
im alive Johnny,
-oh my god
im alive
your magic always worked
your back, i cant...
yeah, i mean when you sawed me up,
you put some of the stuffing in
the wrong places John
ima little fucked up, but will you
take care of me forever and ever?
nah...im just kidding with you,
i thought it would be funny if you
thought i was fucking retarded
you asshole...
-come here you bastard
welcome back ted
it was you...
you did it...
son of a bitch.
you wished for my life back
no...no no
i wished for my life back
i love you
i love you too
and i want you to know that
after last night, i dont want to
lose anyone that matters to me ever again
im not gonna wait any
longer for my life to start
...Lori
will you marry me?
all i ever wanted
was you John Bennett
and so, John and Lori and ted,
lived happily ever after
having discovered at last, that all
they really needed was each other
John and Lori were married in Cambridge,
by a very special justice of the peace
by the power vested in me
by the New York Jets
and by the united peoples
of the planet Mongo
i now pronounce you,
man and wife
you may kiss the bride Johnny
thanks so much for coming
my daughter better be alive
you sick son of a bitch
i am so... fake happy for her
ahh, you know sam, theres only
one way to end a perfect day
whats that?
Flash jump
right...
-yeah
and thats the story of how 1
magical wish,forever changed
the lives of 3 very special friends
ted and Tammy-Lynn continued there
torrid love affair for quite some time
one afternoon, ted was caught behind
the deli counter,eating potato salad
off of Tammy-Lynn's bare bottom
he was instantly promoted
to store manager
Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood,
with the goal of restarting his film career
he currently resides in burbank
where he shares a studio apartment
with his room mate brandon routh
remember brandon routh, from
that god aweful superman movie?
jesus christ... thanks for getting our
hopes up and taking a giant shit on us
Rex was forced to give
up his pursuit of Lori
not long after, he fell into a deep
depression and died of lou gehrig's disease
Donny was arrested by Boston police and
charged with kidnapping a plush toy
the charge was dropped when everyone
realised how completely stupid that sounded
Robert got a trainer, lost a
substantial amount of weight, and went
on to become taylor lautner
english by sub-stance