- Good morning, beautiful.
-What time is it?
Eh, 9:00ish.
-Oh.
-Thanks for sleeping over.
-Mm-hmm.
-Feels weird sleeping alone.
Like I'm... Sleeping alone.
You want to move in?
-Ugh, no!
You have got a bad case
of the bed sprawl.
Plus, things are getting
pretty serious with Jason.
-Jason with the hair?
-No, Jared with the hair.
This is Jason with the glasses.
- Didn't you just go out
with him, like, on a first date?
-Uh-huh.
And it was a great first date.
And we've been texting...
All the time!
Anything?
- Just the same three jobs
I'm not qualified for.
This sucks.
-You hated that job.
- Yeah,
but at least I could pay rent.
-Just get a temp job.
Jason!
- Who would ever want to
work a temp job?
-Wakey, Wakey, eggs and bakey.
-Actually, no bakey.
But there's a goat cheese
and squash frittata
in the fridge.
You can heat it
in the toaster oven at 350
or totally ruin it in the micro.
Amaretto mimosa?
- Oh, no, thanks.
I gotta four-day gig
at mbst&t starting today.
- No way!
They just moved me to mbst&t.
I was totally planning
on having a lame day,
and they've gone
and messed that up.
Did you already
put in your money?
- I put it in the ledger,
but I didn't red-light it.
- What have we got,
like, 75 days left?
- 84 if we want to make it there
by Thanksgiving.
- It's a small price to pay
for another
epic Jefferson and Carter
ski adventure!
Whoosh! Whoosh!
We feeling the pink today?
-Yeah, let's give it a try.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think that works.
- Oh, yeah.
Shake that moneymaker.
All right, guys,
I need you to go through
these boxes here,
make sure we shred anything
older than seven years.
Dates are on the top
of these folders.
Any questions?
-That suit, Ann Taylor?
-Um... It is.
-You really wear it.
-Thank you, Jefferson.
-Mrs. HWANG?
- Yes.
- Stephanie.
Cal staff sent me over.
- Okay,
why don't you come with me.
-Ann Taylor?
-I'm telling you, man,
these things are a gold mine.
-Ann Taylor?
-Ross.
-You really wear it.
-We have 2,500 of these
that need to be stuffed
and metered by lunch.
As soon as the other temps
are finished shredding,
they can jump in
and help you out.
-Okay.
- I know, not much time.
- I'll do my best.
- I'd prefer
you just get it done.
-Okay, I'll do that.
-Are you talking back to me?
-No?
- There's a reason
you're a temp worker,
you know that, right?
-Because I got laid off?
- I'm gonna let you in on
a little secret.
They don't lay off
the good workers.
- All right,
I'm gonna go stuff these.
- Please do that.
- I'm going.
- Go.
- Okay.
- Hurry!
- I am.
-Let's go.
Temps.
- Don't take it personally.
HWANG hates girls.
All right, are we doing this?
- And go!
- No, no, no.
- Corner back, corner back!
Oh! Damn it.
-Winner!
-I demand a re-do.
- Is this what you guys
normally do around here?
-Uh...
Sometimes we raid
the office supply closet
and see if we can make a fort
out of anything.
That gets real challenging.
-You enjoy being a temp?
- Temping is just a means
to an end, really.
We're actually skiers.
-Like professional skiers?
- Yeah, kind of.
- Except we don't get paid.
We're going to mount hood
this year.
It's a Straga volcano
or strata volcano.
- Strata volcano.
- Yeah.
-Strata volcano.
- So skiing and temping.
Any other life plans?
- I take it you're one
of those live to work people.
- I appreciate the value
of a life's work, yes.
-What's yours, then?
- Oh, well, I...
Went to school for accounting.
-That sounds thrilling.
- Well, what's your life's work,
skiing?
- It's actually not
just about skiing,
it's about, uh, seeing as many
incredible places
and meeting
as many incredible people
and gathering
as many meaningful experiences
before shuffling off
this mortal coil.
You know,
things you can't really do
from a cubicle
or a corner office.
Ever been skiing?
- I was more
of a field hockey girl.
-Me, too.
- I have a boyfriend.
- Was that for me or for her?
- You.
- Oh.
Okay.
Congrats?
- Sorry, I was just
trying to shut this down.
-Shut what down?
- This little banter
we have going on.
-Why?
- Banter usually
implies ulterior motives.
- I'm not hitting on you.
-Good.
-Would you like me to?
-No.
- Seems like maybe you would like
him to hit on you.
Call 'em like I see 'em.
-I'm Jefferson.
-Stephanie.
-So what's your man list?
- My man, oh,
what are you talking about?
-You know, list of qualities
a guy has to posses
in order for you
to open up
your secret sexual side.
-I don't think I have one.
But if I'm trying to waste time
and not do work,
I'd say um... He's gotta be nice,
but not too nice.
-Okay.
- Uh, and he's gotta
like kittens, puppies, and kids.
- This is not quite as secret
or sexual as I was hoping for.
-We're at work.
- Hey, I'm sorry,
can I talk to Stephanie?
She's the cute girl
I was just making out with
in the broom closet.
- Shh!
- Shh!
- Shh!
- Shh, shh!
- Shh!
- I have to say
as a casual observer
of the female species,
you're all highly contradictory.
Because as far as I can tell,
most girls not only have
but, in fact, enjoy many forms
of loud, raunchy, kinky sex.
-Gross.
- See and yet none of you
will ever admit
that you like, want, or have
these various kinds of sex.
What is that?
Is that some kind of agreement
that you all have
where if you don't
talk about it,
it doesn't actually happen?
Like, if a random girl
and a random guy
have sex in a random forest,
yet no one is there
to randomly see it,
can you still call her a slut?
Not that I would ever
call anyone a slut.
Unless you want
to be called a slut.
Even then, I think I would have
my hang-ups with it.
Hello?
You want to get some lunch?
-What are we gonna talk about?
-The weather.
-I like to be tied up.
-Or we can talk about that.
- But we can't.
I'm a girl.
So you ready for lunch?
-Yes.
-Oh, my gosh!
Josh and I would never
come into a store like this.
- Well, maybe that is
why you broke up with him.
- I like it.
- Mm-hmm.
-Um...
I don't really do that.
- The...
- Yeah.
-Oh. Oh, sure.
Good.
- It's just I...
I have lockjaw.
- Ooh!
- Yeah.
- That doesn't sound fun.
- Not at all.
- Well, I should have asked.
That was... sorry about that.
- Okay.
- Um...
-Oh! That is really gross.
People poop in there.
I poop in there.
Oh!
Ah!
You know we have friends
waiting, right?
- No, I'm sure they're fine.
- Oh!
- Jefferson and I hit
the mountains every single year.
We're going to mount hood
next year... near Portland.
You know
that's a strata volcano.
-Oh?
-Okay, stop, stop.
You're starting to act like
that vibrator we got.
- Exactly what does that mean?
- It means you know
how it only has the one speed?
Mee! Mee! Mee!
You know?
- Mee!
- Is that Annie Taylor
that you got on?
- Would you like me to be
a little bit more variable?
Maybe... A little bit
more, "rah!"
Or, "errr!" Or,
"dugga-dugga-dugga-dugga."
-Yeah.
-Hey, got you a drink.
Hope you don't mind germs,
'cause I took
a little sip there.
- Oh!
- Shh!
-Ugh! That is really gross.
People work here.
I work here.
-Can I ask your honest opinion.
What do you think
of this jacket?
-No, you may not, and I love it!
-Did we miss anything?
- No, I was just telling Curtis
how awesome his jacket is.
- It's kind
of getting warm in here.
- I'm so confused.
Are you in a relationship?
- We're just trying to keep it
in the moment.
- I don't know what that means.
- I don't, either.
Jefferson says it a lot,
seemed kind of romantic
as I was getting
out of that Josh situation.
- You were getting
out of a something
that started
in junior high situation.
So a toe fungus
would have seemed romantic.
- Oh, well...
I like being in something
that's maybe not so defined.
-Okay, but if a...
Relationship isn't defined
as a relationship,
then is it really
a relationship,
because it seems like half
of what makes a relationship
a relationship
is being able
to call it a relationship.
Am I right?
- Whatever.
You know, whatever.
I'm happy.
And the sex
is fucking animal style.
-I don't know.
You always struck me
as the person
who needed an update
on her Facebook status
in order to go
fucking animal style.
-That was the old Steph.
-I want ice cream.
Do you want ice cream?
I want ice cream.
- Yeah.
- Guess who sent me
a relationship request.
-Oh, things are getting serious.
What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
I'm gonna...
Ignore her for now
and then just hope
that she forgets she sent it.
-Yeah, that's cool.
I have an uncle who sends me
candy crush requests,
and I just ignore them.
I'm never gonna play
that game, okay?
- Oops.
Dropped some shit there.
-Thanks.
Don't worry about it.
-Oh! Mmm!
- In order, nape of the neck,
eyes, and teeth.
- Nape of the neck?
Dude, you're a liar.
-I am not a liar.
- That's the kind of list
a guy makes
when he's embarrassed
to say the first thing
he looks for are tits.
-Tits?
-Yes, every guy looks for tits.
- No, you...
You can't help seeing them,
they're right in front of you.
What I look for
is a nice nape of the neck.
-I guess you have a point.
- Well, what's the first thing
that you look for?
-Tits.
-Hey, guys.
-Oh!
-Nice nape.
- Who do you think was the genius
who first took a Popsicle stick,
jammed it in a hot dog,
and then dipped it in a fryer?
- I notice you haven't accepted
my relationship status change.
-What?
- Yeah, I sent it to you,
like, two or three weeks ago.
It's not that big a deal,
I just figured
maybe it's time our status
reflected our relationship.
I did notice that you had time
to post those hilarious
workplace memes.
Classic.
-Well...
Remember how, um...
Refreshing we thought
this thing is that we have?
- What is this thing
that we have?
- This?
- This.
Us, you and me... this.
What is it?
-Complicated.
- Then how about it's complicated
as a status?
Just some indication
that we're together.
- Steph, it's only been,
like, a month.
-It's been almost three.
-Really?
- Do you really think
I'd be doing the things
we've been doing
with some random guy?
- We haven't even
been on a real date yet.
-Date?!
You don't even buy me drinks.
- Yeah, 'cause
that would make it a real date.
-Oh. Wow.
I...
Are you embarrassed
by me or something?
-No!
No, Steph, you are...
Way one of the coolest, sexiest,
funniest chicks
in the world, probably.
-Then what the fuck?!
-The fuck is...
I don't know, why can't people
just be happy
with the way things are?
You know, why can't people
just live in the now?
Why does everybody have to label
and compartmentalize
everything in their lives?
- Because, Jefferson,
that's how we make
an informed decision
on what we keep
and what we throw out.
-Like Josh?
-Yes. Exactly like Josh.
And whoever first decided
to jam a Popsicle stick
into a hot dog was an asshole!
This is disgusting!
-Stephanie!
Steph!
Estephania!
Hey, that's my corn dog!
That's my corn dog!
You know what,
I don't want to be tagged
in anyone's photos, either.
It's a creepy invasion
of privacy.
- I agree.
- This sucks, man.
It's like I get punished
for knowing what I want.
-What do you want?
Holy crap!
That's Allison Segal
from high school.
- Look at that,
it's Allison Segal.
- I want out with her once...
Junior year.
- You did not go out
with Allison Segal.
You never went out with anybody.
And Todd Parker went out
with Allison Segal.
-No, that was me.
- Well, Todd Parker
went out with her, too.
Then again, he crushed,
like, every girl in high school.
I wonder what he's up to?
-He's probably in jail.
- Or witness protection.
We should call him.
Will and Nicholas, too.
Those were good guys.
-She didn't recognize us.
-Or she did.
- She looks exactly the same,
only more professional,
like a businesswoman,
not a prostitute.
I wonder if she's single.
- No matter what I do,
I'm gonna befoul this thing
with Stephanie.
-Yeah.
-What?
-She's probably single.
-Oh.
Yeah.
Where you at today?
-Hell.
-Me, too.
I'm back working
with the HWANG again.
-Oh. My favorite.
Say hi for me.
-I thought about it,
and maybe we can go out
on a real date,
just so you can see
how much I suck at dating
and why I shouldn't do it.
- Are you asking me out
on a date?
- For strictly scienti...
Scientific purposes only.
-I'd love to be experimented on.
-Are you bored?
-What? No, no.
- Oh, great. I'm boring you.
I'm boring.
- Stop it, you're not boring.
- I actually know that I am.
It's okay, just go ahead
and say it,
come out and tell me.
- What you're sensing right now
is not boredom,
it's just
like when I get hungry,
I just get, you know,
one-track minded
and, you know,
I just get tunnel vision.
It's like boom... food.
Just...
-Boom, food.
-Tunnel vision.
-Right.
-Your hair looks really nice.
Did you do something different?
-Kind of.
Thanks for noticing.
-It looks really nice.
-I'm glad you like it.
- Oh.
Dave Matthews?
-No, way worse than that.
- Jack Johnson,
'cause he's about as bad
as anybody I can think of.
- Why do you want to know?
- Because I think you can tell
a lot about somebody
from their most embarrassing
music purchase.
Dashboard confessional.
-I like dashboard confessional.
- Oh, god!
- I like them!
-I like dashboard.
-Oh, man, that...
You really do have
questionable taste in music.
Really questionable.
Jason Mraz.
- Not gonna tell you.
- Come on, I told you mine.
- Oh, you told me you downloaded
a bright eyes album one time.
How embarrassing is that?
- Super embarrassing.
- I own all of his albums
plus an EP.
-How can you say he won?!
Look, he's... he's sulking back
into the ocean,
a defeated beast.
-She's returning home.
-Godzilla's not a woman!
- Um, she had a kid
in "Godzilla's revenge," hello!
- We're gonna have to have
a serious talk,
because that doesn't
qualify as a movie.
- Okay, regardless of
how you feel about it,
she would still be the winner.
-Okay.
Seriously, I just want you
to think about this, okay?
Who would win in a fight...
A giant, pre-historic dinosaur
with clear back problems
or Kong,
the eighth wonder of the world?
- Radioactive mutant lizard,
no question.
- Ugh, you!
You're a lost cause.
You're beautiful,
but god damn it,
you're a lost cause.
I had
a really good time tonight.
- Yeah, me, too.
I better go, though.
-That would probably be best.
-Yeah. Yeah.
Otherwise, it's like there's
this giant elephant in the room
that I want to...
fuck.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Go turn off the TV.
That was like...
Some of the most normal sex
we've ever had.
-Is that a bad thing?
-No.
Creed.
-You brought creed.
Wow. That is...
So much worse
than I could have thought.
-I know! I know.
You crack me up.
- So this is how
it's gonna be, huh?
Every morning when I wake up,
you're gonna be here
taking away my opportunities
to walk around naked.
It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
- I'm a night owl.
Hoot! Hoot!
- Well, if you want to walk
around naked, be my guest.
- I'm gonna hold you to that.
Where's Jefferson?
-Out getting wine and cheese.
We're going to see
a movie tonight
at the Hollywood cemetery.
- Ah, you're running
the bases backwards.
-Running the bases backwards?
-Means you start with sex
and then you do
all that couply stuff.
-Yeah, I guess.
- Now, the pancakes
with orange zest.
-Curtis?
-Dude!
- Oh, my god,
is that a real newspaper?
-She's dead.
-Allison Segal? How?
-Her heart exploded.
-Gross!
Should we say a prayer or...
Something?
- I'm gonna be honest,
I feel little weird
saying a prayer
over a pair of used panties.
-What?
I have a pair from every girl
I've been with.
- Yeah, that's a little...
That's just creepy.
Okay, Steph, back me up on this.
This is a little...
- oh, actually,
I can't say anything. I...
I do have a pair from
all the girls I've been with.
- If only we had stopped her
to say hi.
She could have been the one
to find a cure to cancer.
-Was she that smart?
-Or... Stumbled upon it.
-I never knew Allison very well,
but in high school,
I was always a big fan
of her perky boobs...
- don't say that,
you piece of shit!
-Oh, Curtis, cool out!
Cool out, man.
-Jesus, Curtis, calm down.
Not a...
I'm sorry, I never knew you felt
that strongly about her.
-She was my first.
- I thought Janet Moler
was your first.
Orally.
- Sometimes I don't get Curtis
at all.
- Haven't you ever been
madly in love?
- Please,
he was not madly in love.
I didn't even
know they were going out.
-And what about you?
- I thought I was, once.
Turned out to be the flu.
- I'm serious.
- I'm serious, too.
Just once,
then I lost all self-respect.
-What happened?
- Ugh, I don't know.
It was like a year ago.
We were going out for a while,
and then suddenly she decided
she needed to find herself.
Apparently, she'd been hiding
inside another man's penis.
-That's a good place to hide.
Bet you didn't think
to look there.
-Are you folks ready to order?
- Sure.
Go ahead.
- Uh...
The, um, the chicken special.
How does that come?
- Baked, broiled, barbecue,
stuffed, flame-broiled,
peppered, on in a nice pot pie.
-Um...
The... the broi...
Broiled chicken special.
- Me, too.
- How would you like the potato?
- Baked.
- What are the other options?
- Baked, whipped,
scalloped, Au gratin,
country-fried, French fries.
- Can we possibly substitute that
with like a fruit compote?
- Just get whipped.
Everyone likes whipped.
- I do like whipped.
I'll get whipped.
- Soup or salad?
- Salad.
- Sure.
- Two salads.
- Ranch, Russian,
thousand island, blue cheese,
ranch peppercorn, ranch
vinaigrette, house Italian?
- Do you have Roquefort, or is
that the same as blue cheese?
- If they had Roquefort,
she'd say Roquefort.
- Unless they were
the same thing.
- We have blue cheese.
- House Italian for me, please.
- Can I switch that to the soup?
- Veggie, beef barley,
chicken noodle, cream of celery,
or matzo ball.
- Just go with the salad,
house dressing.
- Sure, yeah. Does the special
come with bread?
- Yes, white, wheat,
rye, marble rye, pumpernickel,
sour dough, kaiser roll,
or bread stick.
- Can we just get a variety
in a basket?
-Two specials, broiled,
potatoes...
One baked, one whipped...
Two salads, house dressing,
basket of bread.
Anything to drink?
- Two cokes.
- I'll be up all night.
- Coke, diet coke,
sprite, root beer, iced tea,
lemonade, O.J., coffee,
tea, or milk?
- One coke, one...
- Sprite?
You're very decisive.
- Maybe that's your problem,
you need to be more decisive.
- Well, I have way
more problems than that.
I think.
-I'm sorry, you guys.
We're all out of chicken.
- Hey.
- Hey, how's it going?
Am I interrupting?
-Not at all.
I was just warming up,
loosen out all those bugs.
- Mm-hmm.
What for?
- Well, after seeing
Allison right before she died,
I realized she saw me
for who I was.
She saw that I had the soul
of an artist.
- Wait, what?
What does that mean?
- I'm gonna be a dancer.
- Like as a job,
you're gonna do it as a job?
- It's not commerce
of the wallet,
it's commerce of the spirit.
We only live once.
I need to find a way
to express myself.
-Through dance?
-Yes.
How do you express yourself?
-Um, ah, I'm not sure I do.
-That's your problem.
- Why does everybody think
I have a problem lately?
I'm actually very happy
with my life.
-That's your problem, too.
Plans and projects
- no fucking way!
Todd Parker!
- Jeffy! Wow!
Hey, how are you, man?
-Oh, where have you been, man?
Curtis and I were just taking
bets on whether you were
in prison or witness protection.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Still cruising the bitches
and slapping the hos?
-Eh, not so much.
- They must have named an std
after you now.
I swear, you had 30
different strands of chlamydia
that one summer.
Speaking of bitches you crushed,
did you hear
about Allison Segal?
- Yeah, it's sad.
- Fucking terrible.
-By the way, this is my wife.
-Oh.
-And my little girl, Claudia.
-Your...
Your little...
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Hi.
- This is Jeffy.
We were... Pals.
- Yeah.
- At school.
-Yeah, yeah.
Wow! Look at...
Todd Parker and Fam.
This is just...
You know what?
Can I get a picture of you guys?
This...
Curtis is gonna
laugh his ass off.
Oh, wow!
Uh, a little closer.
A little closer.
Yeah. That's all right.
I'll widen out. Nice.
Oh, you would not believe
the trouble we used to get into.
This guy.
- Yeah, she's heard the stories.
- Uh, Claudia's getting
a little grumpy here.
I'm gonna take her to the car.
It was nice to meet you, Jeffy.
- Nice to meet you.
- See you in a bit.
I'll be right out.
-Bye, Claudia.
- Shit, man,
how many fucking times
did I tell you to wrap it up?
You're lucky it was a baby
and not aids.
Yeah, well, I...
I kind of wanted this one.
But, anyway, what's going on
with you, man?
You working, what are you doing?
- Oh, yeah, yeah! You know,
working... oops, shit!
Working on not working.
Working on getting
to a mountain each season.
Hey, so, you know,
I was gonna go get a drink.
You should come out with.
-Oh... No, I can't.
I, uh, I gotta get Claudia down.
It's past her bedtime.
-Bedtime? It's like...
-naptime, you know.
- Not really.
- Babies take naps.
- Yeah.
Well, maybe another time then.
We'll go out for a...
You know,
Curtis would love to see you.
Speaking of, do you ever
see will or Nicholas or...
- oh, yeah, yeah.
They're... they're both married.
Will's working on kid
number two.
- What?!
- Yeah, I know.
- What?! Married?!
- Yeah.
- Kids? What...
What happened to you guys?
You all get, like, abducted
by aliens or something?
- Oh, no, we just kind
of grew up, you know.
You know what?
Let me get a picture
of you, too.
The guys are not gonna believe
how much you have not changed.
-Yeah. How about this?
Sun's out, guns out.
Do this.
- Oh, yeah, yeah!
Classic Chucky.
Oh, so stupid.
- It's like old times.
You get it?!
- That's awesome!
Oh, man.
Well, I gotta get out of here,
but good to see you.
- Yeah, totally.
- Say hi to Curtis.
Tell him I remember
he owes me 40 bucks.
- Dude, he's gonna flip.
- Yeah.
All right, see ya.
- Oh, hey, um...
Speaking of, do you think
I could borrow, like, 20 bucks?
- 30 different strands
of chlamydia?
-He was exaggerating.
It was one summer, I got it,
like, twice.
It's not a big deal.
It was like 10 years ago.
- I don't want you hanging out
with him.
- Okay, well, you don't have
to worry about it.
- Hello.
- Hey.
-Unironic knuckle bump.
- What are we moronically
knuckle-bumping to?
- Unironically knuckle-bumping
to the somebody here
who got a real job today.
- What?!
- Yeah.
It's only
an entry-level position,
but it's full-time
with benefits and a key fob!
- I didn't even know
that you were looking or...
Full-time, huh?
- Yeah!
Yeah, I just put it out
into the universe,
then I ran into
this old friend of mine.
Her company was looking,
and the next thing you know...
Key fob!
- Sweet.
Soon you'll be able
to afford some ATV's
and jet skis you'll never use.
-What are you talking about?
-I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
This is exciting.
Come here. Come here.
Mmm!
-Mwah!
Oh.
You don't want to be a temp
for the rest of your life,
do you?
-What?
-Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, what's her name?
- Dad.
- Oh, sounds hot.
- I need to go
get something from him.
- Does this mean
I get to meet your dad?
-No.
- There's my boy!
How are the slopes?!
-Gonna find out.
-Come aboard, come aboard.
- Oh.
- Tricky.
- Oh.
- Mind if I vape?
I got a sweet little
personal-use grow-op topside.
For my migraines
and anxieties... totally legal.
But...
I lace it with a hint of opium.
Not as legal.
Dad, it's 10:30 in the morning.
- Well, what is you kids say,
it's 4:20 somewhere.
-Oh, no. Thank you.
-Anyway.
-Oh.
Uh, it's from you grandma.
And then...
I had to borrow,
like, 40 bucks out of there
to cover my health insurance.
-It's... it's fine.
Dad?
Dad?
- Oh, my god, man.
Where's my manners.
Let me give you the grand tour.
Um...
Uh, there's the kitchenette,
um... The microwave oven,
toaster oven, range top.
And here's my bedroom.
Motion of the ocean,
it's like sleeping in the womb.
And then through the kitchenette
is the freedom room.
That's for... Open debate
and discourse
and just vegging out.
Plus, I got directv,
so I watch "whale wars."
- Well, it is
a very lovely home... Boat.
- When Jeffy's mom left,
my whole perspective changed.
And I just looked around,
and I thought,
"do these advanced degrees
hanging on the wall
mean anything?
Does Volvo's safety record
mean anything?"
I'm 15 years into
a 30-year mortgage
and who cares?!
It's prison.
And little Jeffy sprouted
his little wings,
flew the Coop, and that was it.
I just...
Didn't need to own anything,
didn't need to be anywhere,
so I had a friend,
he had a boat,
and I'm living the dream
for $375 a month,
plus I gotta scrape
the barnacles off.
- Okay, we gotta go, dad.
- Yeah, me, too.
Don't be a stranger, okay,
unless that's your thing.
All right, how about a hug.
- Oh.
- Mm!
-So nice to meet you.
-Oh, my god. That feels good!
Dang. Seriously.
What do you gotta do
to score a fox like you?
-Easy.
- By left,
he meant left this earth.
My mother's dead.
-I'm sorry.
-It was a long time ago.
Should have just told you
earlier.
I don't know why I didn't.
-It's okay.
- Yeah, thank god I only have
to see him once a month.
You know...
- Yes.
-No. Mnh-mnh.
- Are you sure he can't hear us?
- Oh, no,
he can definitely hear us,
I just told him not to listen.
- Oh, no, I... no, no.
I can't do this.
- What do you mean you can't
do this? Yes, you can.
- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can totally do this.
You can absolutely...
- no.
- Oh, come on. You can do it
in the bathroom of a bar
or in the broom closet
of an office or in the car,
but you can't do it
with little Curtis around.
-No, no, listen... listen.
- Mm-hmm.
- They were strangers.
I know Curtis,
I have to see him again.
-Want to go to your place?
- I would,
but it's after midnight
and I have to work tomorrow.
-Yeah, so?
-Hey, hey, listen.
How about I just a rain check
for when Curtis is out of town
or something.
-Fine, blue-ball me.
- Ew.
Never, ever say that again.
-Oh, don't ever do it again.
- Oh, by the way,
what are you doing on Saturday?
- Nothing, I don't think.
- Good.
'Cause I plus-oned you to
this girl, Miranda's, wedding.
I just started working with her,
so it's kind of weird
that I even got an invite,
but not surprising seeing
as though
I get invited to everybody's
wedding,
this being the sixth
of the year.
- You plus-oned me to a...
To a wedding?
- Yeah, free food, an open bar,
I figured you wouldn't mind.
- You can't just plus-one
somebody to a wedding
without asking
if they're available first.
- I'm sorry, I didn't think
it would be a thing.
- To... to a wedding?
To a work person's wedding,
and you think
I want to go hang out
with a bunch of stiffs
I have nothing in common with?
- Okay, first of all, they're not
stiffs, they're my friends.
- Oh, and what do you do,
friend of Stephanie's?
Oh, I fill in for you assholes
for about 1/10 of your salary
whenever one of you has
a stress-related heart attack
on your way to an early grave.
- Wow, sometimes you can be
such a sad, judgy dick.
- I'm a dick?
- Uh-huh!
- You're the one
who plus-oned me to a wedding
without even asking
if I was available first.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I should have asked.
- Shocking people
even go to those things anymore.
I mean, how can you sit there
celebrating two morons
who are just gonna be divorced
in five years.
And you don't
just invite yourself
to meet somebody's dad,
by the way.
If I wanted you
to meet that asshole,
I would have invited you.
I would have... I would have
invited you to meet him.
That's personal, okay?
- I'm sorry.
I didn't even realize
that you felt that way.
- And what the fuck
are you sending me
a relationship request for?
Guess what, Steph,
the world of social media
does not give two shits
if we are in a relationship
or complicated
or... or whatever.
And I'm sorry if I refuse
to take what we have
and shout it to cyberspace
so people can like it
or comment on it
whenever we put up
a photo of ourselves!
And then when we
inevitably break up,
have those exact same people
like that status.
You just over-step...
A lot, and I think
you should work on that.
-Excuse me?!
-I'm saying this because I care.
- What do we have, Jefferson?
What do we have?
- W... we have this.
We have us.
Christ, what do you want, Steph?
I feel like I've been expressly
clear about what I want,
and you're the one
who's gone changing the deal.
-That's life!
Things grow and change
and evolve!
Relationships grow
and change and evolve.
I can't do this anymore.
I don't want
to be just a fuck buddy.
- Fuck buddy?
We're not even fucking.
You're leaving, remember?
-Oh, I am so done with this.
And you know what?
It might shock you,
but I'm actually looking for
something way more than a label.
I'm looking for
a fucking partner in crime.
- That you can just
get tired of and dump?
-I am not your ex-girlfriend!
I'm not gonna go hide
in some other man's penis!
-Tell that to Josh.
- You are
a self-fulfilling prophesy.
-Another label, thank you.
-Go after here.
Okay, don't, that's cool.
-Mmm!
This was heavenly!
-What I tell you?
Cupcakes are the panacea
for all ailments.
- Yeah, but now instead
of feeling sad, I feel guilty.
Fat.
- You'll get over it.
- What the hell's
a panacea anyway?
-It's Greek for cure-all.
-How do you know that?
- I'm Greek.
- No, you're not.
Are you?
- Half.
-Maybe he's right.
Maybe we are too young
to be thinking about the future.
We should just
live in the moment.
-No.
Spending your twenties,
like, sowing your wild oats
or finding yourself or whatever
is a bunch of malarkey.
All that leaves you is
a biological clock
ticking in tall boots,
going on eharmony dates
with men in their 40s who still
collect action figures.
- Did you just say "malarkey"?
- I'm bringing it back.
You know what we should do?
We should get dressed
and call some boys and go out.
- After this.
- Attagirl.
-5, 6, 7, 8.
One, three...
5, 6, 7, 8.
And good.
Lift up.
Stop, stop, stop.
Please, stop.
Everyone, come here a second.
- That's great, but maybe
we should save the accounting
for the apartment.
Why don't we just go
to mount hood next year?
- Please, if there's one thing
we are definitely doing
this year,
it is going to mount hood.
- Are we maybe running away
from something?
- Sometimes you have to
have something and lose it
to know why you wanted it
or needed it.
-Are you talking about beer?
'Cause I could really use
a beer.
- Well, if you consider
my movie collection a shrine...
Uh-oh.
-Uh-oh, what?
-Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
Who's the guy she's with?
- A guy.
- That asshole!
I bet he sells things.
-We're all selling something.
-Yep.
- That was kind of funny?
- Yeah.
-A lot of disinfectant.
-Hey, hey, hey.
Amy, good to see you.
-No.
-Oh, you must be Matt.
No, no, Jason.
Ryan?
- Okay.
- So many, I get 'em confused.
What are you doing here?
- Same thing everyone else
is doing here, I guess.
- Pretending to have a good time
in your desperate attempt
to convince ourselves we belong?
-We're having a few drinks.
What are you doing here?
- Pretending to have a good time
in a desperate attempt
to convince myself I bel...
- Have you met Blake?
- Hey, what's up, guy?
How's sales?
- Oh, pretty good.
- Oh, really,
'cause I don't see any coffee.
And we all know
that coffee is for closers.
Stupid "Glengarry Glen Ross"...
Great movie,
one of her favorites if you're
trying to get in her pants.
Hey, can I...
Can we talk privately?
- Do you mind?
- No, he's good. Come on.
- I have no idea who Matt is.
- Who's the guy?
- Just a guy.
- Just a guy, huh?
- Just a guy.
Sensitive, intelligent,
sense of humor, cute smile.
- Cute butt?
- Oh, you noticed, too?
- Oh, that thing
is impossible to miss.
That's a Pilates ass,
by the way.
I can't believe you brought
a date here to our bar.
- I just met him,
he's not a date.
And I didn't realize
this was our bar.
- You know, I remember
when I was just the guy.
-Yeah.
Sad, 'cause
now you're just an asshole.
- You know, from the start...
From the start,
I said that if this happened
between us,
that... This would happen.
-I'm glad he's here,
'cause now I won't make
some stupid mistake with you.
- That's good.
- It's good.
- Good.
- It's good.
- What kind of stupid mistake
are you talking about?
Probably shouldn't have had
that extra beer.
- Maybe me focus on that
instead of mount hood this year.
- What? What are you
talking about right now?
-Don't be mad.
I just...
Want to spend more time
trying to find myself.
- That's what we do
on the mountain.
-Right, no, we do.
But I think I'm growing
beyond the mountain.
- Beyond the mountain?
- Plus, my parents
are hassling me
about not paying rent,
especially for
the three or four months
that I'm not even home.
-So get a sublet.
That's what people do,
they get sublets.
I'll help you, okay?
- Right.
No, I know.
Also... I want to take
some more dance classes,
and that's pretty spendy.
-Dance classes?
This ski trip
is all I've wanted all year.
It is all I've been working
these mind-numbing,
soul-sucking jobs for.
And you're just gonna take it
away from me so you can dance?!
-You can have the money.
- It's not about the money,
asshole!
It's about the fucking plan!
You had a plan,
and you're not sticking to it!
- How am I an asshole
for just not doing
what you want me to do?!
- Fuck you!
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, yeah. Oh! Oh!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah!
I want it!
- Sorry, is it too loud?
Need me to headphone it?
I'll headphone it.
-Oh, hey, man.
-Dropped your shit.
-Wow. Cleaning.
-I'm having a friend come visit.
- We're having a friend come?
- Uh, from Canada.
I told her she could stay here,
so...
You know, she's going to come
in just a little while.
- From Canada.
- Yep.
- You need me to leave
for a while or...
-Yeah, or...
Yeah.
-You need me to move out?
-I think.
Maybe.
Yeah.
-Oh, that's cool.
That's cool, I get it.
All right, yeah.
You've been...
Very generous...
Letting me stay here this long.
Uh...
Thank your parents for me.
I'm gonna go... Get packing.
- You're still welcome to
swing by and hang if you want.
- Well, I have no one else,
so...
- Do you want me to make
some home-made ice cream?
-Sea lion war!
Sometimes they go at it
all night.
I just lay here listening.
Arf, arf! Arf, arf!
I love it! This is my PBS!
Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf!
I love it!
- So I've never really
worked with butt plugs before.
Is there anything I should know?
- We pride ourselves
on being a safe zone
for people to explore
and express their sexuality.
What we don't want
is those dirty raincoat-ers
coming in, looking at our boxes
for an hour,
and then going to jerk it
in the alleyway.
- So my job is to keep browsing
and masturbating to a minimum.
-Shit, those have been recalled.
- So how long
you been working here?
- About a year. But it's not
like I'm gonna move up.
I've already hit the glass
ceiling.
-You mean the mirrored ceiling.
-Oh, you got it.
- You are bad!
I gotta watch out for you.
So bad.
- Bet you get hit on relentlessly
at a place like this.
- Yeah, but no one
ever takes me seriously.
But it's not like I'm looking
for anything serious, so...
- Thank you! That's the kind
of girl I'd love to go out with.
- You would love to go out
with me?
-I was just saying.
- Oh, my gosh,
are you serious right now?
You...
You better not be kidding!
You're not kidding, right?
You're serious, right?
You're serious?!
-I mean...
Would you want to go out
with me?
-Yes! Yeah, I would!
I do! Yes, I do.
Yes.
You're not kidding, right?
-I mean, it's probably not wise,
seeing as, like, you're my boss.
-Oh.
Oh. Yeah.
Yeah, that, yeah.
-But, like, if you want to.
- Yes! Oh, my gosh, please!
Yes, yes, are you serious?
I want to go out and drink.
Oh, I might have to fire you
first, though.
- Huh?
- I'm kidding, I won't.
I'm kidding.
But anyway, I don't know.
So.
Wow. Okay.
Yes.
-Yo, Curtis?
Knock, knock.
You would not believe the job
I just got.
Curtis?
Curtis?
-Natalie Simmons is dead.
-Wait.
Wait, high school
Natalie Simmons?
The cheerleader with the wonky
Isabella Rossellini teeth?
-She was eaten by a bear.
- Natalie Simmons
was eaten by a bear?
-In Shoshone national park.
It's a statistical
improbability,
yet Natalie Simmons
was eaten by a bear.
-Wow.
Shit, I really liked her.
I liked her teeth.
- She was right next
to Allison in the yearbook.
-That's a strange coincidence.
- Death is working its way
outward from the "S'S,"
and eventually,
it's going to get us all.
You just never know when a bear
is gonna pop out and eat you.
- You could avoid going to places
where bears are.
-The proverbial bear.
Eaten by the proverbial bear!
I missed you, too.
I wonder what Stephanie's up to
right now.
- When's the last time
you talked to her?
-When we saw her at the bar.
I befouled it, man.
I totally befouled it.
- She's probably at home,
wondering about you.
- See these new
Rossignol super 7s?
Supposed to cut powder
like butter.
- You're still planning
on mount hood?
It's the only thing
I have left to look forward to.
So... Uh...
-Unh-unh. No.
I'll miss you, Natalie Simmons.
- Yes.
- Come on.
- Ooh. God.
- See?
-Jesus.
- We're gonna have so much fun.
- So much. All the fun.
- Can dress each other up.
- Dress up each other?
We should probably get some help
though, because...
-Hey, dude.
- Yes. Hello, I can help you.
Can I help you?
- Um, we were looking
to upgrade her vibrator.
-She currently owns a vibrator.
Um, do you know, like, what size
or do you know what kind?
-It's a little one.
It makes like a noise like...
Mee! Mee!
- Right, and it's just not quite
getting the job done, right?
Meee! Meee!
Isn't quite doing it.
And you need this device?
You can't bring her
to completion on your own?
- Oh, no,
it's like a new addition.
Like, we're...
When she likes to go down.
Down... Down there.
-She... she goes down for you?
-Right, like a... like a blowie.
-Oh.
- So you got...
So you got one that goes "meee!"
And you want to go, like
"rah!" Or "errr!"
While she's... Performing.
- Yes.
- Let me ask you something.
How long
have you two been together?
- Not important.
- Eight years.
-Eight years.
Wow!
- We recently just took a break,
and i-i think
it really strengthened us.
- Yeah, made me realize
what's important.
Which is why we are here
trying out some fun new toys.
Anyways, when you have someone
like her, you gotta...
You gotta fight for it.
- Absolutely.
But now you're having trouble
sexually satisfying each other,
so you're here
buying a little help.
Okay, let's see what we can do.
Follow me.
Okay, so I'm guessing
from your description
that this is the bad boy
she had before.
-Wow, yeah, man, that's it.
- Okay, so let me direct
your attention to this bad boy.
It has all the latest
in dildonic technology.
Variable speeds,
you can go from meee!,
to rah!,
to dugga-dugga-dugga-dugga,
depending on your... excuse me,
her desire for stimulation.
-Uh... I don't know.
Babe, I don't know.
What do you think?
It's your orgasm.
What do you think?
- I think while you and the guy
from "police academy" decide
which sound effect
works best on my clitoris,
I'm gonna go across the street
to Chipotle,
hope that they have alcohol,
and go get drunk in my car.
- "Police academy"?
- Why don't I show you a couple
other things
I think she might like.
Pretty sure I know her type.
Let's start with some handcuffs.
-All right, all right.
- You give him blow jobs?
- Hello!
- Ha! You give him blowies?
I thought you don't do that.
- I don't. It was something
special that I did with him.
-Do you even have lockjaw?
-That's what made it special.
I suffered for his pleasure.
- Oh, god!
- It was personal!
I don't know
what you want me to say.
- I miss you.
- It's hard to miss someone
when you're busy
living in the moment.
Sorry.
I was trying to be somebody
I'm not.
I like being in a relationship.
I like being in something
that's defined.
-I'm... I'm ready for that now.
Let's do it.
Let's do it, I'm ready. Okay?
- It's so funny how you feel
this way after I leave.
- Sometimes you have to have
something and lose it
in order to understand
why you want or need it.
- And that's how I feel
about Josh.
- Please, just give this
another chance.
I know we have something, okay,
and you know we have something.
Please,
just give this another chance.
I-i-i this is gonna be
a clean start, okay?
Let's just... let's just do...
I'll change the...
I'll change the relationship
status. I'll accept it.
We'll... let's do it.
Let's do it your way.
-Jefferson...
It's over.
-Stop it!
Don't say it's over.
I am here, and I'm asking you
for another chance.
This does not have to be over.
- Jefferson!
- This can be a clean start.
No, this can...
- It's over.
- No, let's...
I love you.
-Okay.
-Bye.
Buddy, hello?
- These Tibetan monks
spend 12 painstaking months
creating these mandalas
with colored sand,
and I mean one grain at time.
The lama comes,
and he inspects each mandala,
and he gives his holy nod
of approval.
And then
he whisks the sand away,
just brushes it with a graceful
of his hand,
leaving behind just a smudge
of nothingness.
- Somebody I know
was eaten by a bear.
I'm working at a whack shack,
and I irrevocably fucked up
the one relationship
I had in my life
that actually mattered,
and you're talking to me
about the impermanence
of sand mandalas?
- Hey, it's not
about the mandalas themselves,
it's about...
- i know what it's about.
You're ridiculous.
You're 50 years old, you live
on a boat that you don't own.
- I know it's
an unbelievable life.
-Unbelievably sad!
You just gave up, dad.
-Oh, wow.
Okay, Jeffy, I get it.
You know,
you have your perspective,
but I'm over here with mine,
and it's cool.
No one's right, no one's wrong.
-No, dad, you... Have to...
Always wrap everything up
in some new-age psycho-babble
self-help doublespeak
that no one understands,
including yourself.
- I am that.
- See?!
You always say that!
"I am that." What is that?
I-i-it's like y-you think
you're empathizing,
but really what you're doing
is invalidating
anybody's sense of self.
It's maddening. I'm mad.
You're fucking high, as usual.
- I am that.
- Strange
that I feel completely adrift
in every aspect of my life.
- Man, you set me up
for that one.
Jeffy, where you going?
-To not be you.
-Good night, pappy.
-Oh, my goodness.
- I can't believe
you're missing my debut.
- Sorry, man, I just can't go
if Stephanie's gonna be there.
Why would you invite her?
- I just sent out a mass invite
to everyone I know.
Plus, I thought you guys
might get back together,
so I might have sent her
a special e-mail
asking her to come.
- Curtis, do me a favor and just
don't ever try and help, okay?
- Don't you think
that she's going in hopes
that you might be there?
-No, I think she's coming
because she's
a completely decent person
who wants to support you.
That's fine,
I'll just come to the next one.
-Mmm.
One and done, my friend.
My parents are cutting me off.
I have to get a real job.
They were pretty pissed
when they found out
that I was spending my money
on dance classes.
- What about having the soul
of an artist and all that?
-It's cool.
It's time to grow up.
Besides, dance classes are kind
of silly anyway.
-Schmancy!
How can you afford this
on what we're paying you?
- Well, I was actually kind
of hoping we'd go Dutch.
-You're funny.
That was the first thing
I noticed about you.
You're really... Funny.
- Ha. I... Was actually
only half-joking...
Dutch joking, if you will.
Well, what was the first thing
you noticed about me?
- Your tits.
Are you okay?
-I'm... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Just guys never take me out
on, like, a real date, you know,
and, I mean, I'm just...
I...
Thank you.
Thank you.
-Yeah, yeah, no problem.
-Shit, fuck, motherfucker!
- All right!
All right, yeah, man.
Dig it.
Let's keep it going
for x Javier, huh?
You guys are in
for a real treat tonight.
We've got a first-timer
here on our open-Mike stage...
Curtis Ashante!
-Thank you.
Hi, everybody.
This is my movement poem called
"eaten by the proverbial bear."
- So do you want to make out
or something?
-Mmm.
I kind of do
and I kind of don't.
-No pressure.
Just so you know, I'm...
I'm open to it.
- My best friend's
having a show right now
and I'm missing it because
there's this girl, and...
We were friends,
and we were more than friends,
and anyway,
she's going, so I'm not.
- You're missing your best
friend's show because of a girl?
-Yeah.
-That's so shitty.
-I know.
- But, I mean,
if we're not gonna make out,
I mean, what do you want to do,
because I made up this new rule,
no sex before kissing first.
- Fuck, what am I doing?
- That's what I was saying!
That's why I made up
this new rule.
- You wouldn't want to go see my
friend's solo dance performance
that he choreographed himself
at a local dive bar, would you?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. And, I mean, if you
want to make out after, I can.
I pretty much
make out with anybody.
- I'm gonna go to
the bathroom real quick, okay?
- Your local ski report
is brought to you
by big sky tires.
- On mount hood, no new snow
in the last 24 hours.
Timberline
is operating seven chairs
with a 36-inch base.
Meadows is reporting
a 32-inch base
with 9 of the 14 lifts running.
And with a 28-inch base,
Skibowl has seven
of their chairs making the trip
for the first time this season.
The weather will be clear
and warm with snow-free roads
all the way up to the lodges.
So grab a friend
and head up to the mountain
for a great day of skiing.
- And, of course, as always,
when you make that trip,
make sure you make it
on big sky tires,
the all-weather tire
that gives you peace of mind
every time you drive.
- Yeah, I mean,
I do like the beach a lot.
I like living near the water's
always one of those things
that is like a must.
You know, that's why,
you know, I couldn't, like...
Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing back?
- I came here to give you this.
- What is this?
- It's dance classes.
Don't say anything,
just take it.
-You are my friend.
-Oh! Okay.
I...I am that.
-Oh, where are my manners?
This is my friend,
Chloe, from Canada.
-Chloe from Canada.
-And this is my friend, Gloria.
- Hi. Sorry, I was trying
to get a drink.
That bartender hates me.
- Did you ask him.
- Ask me what?
- Okay, you have to
settle this for us.
They're trying to say
that Godzilla is a female,
but there's no way.
- There's totally a way.
- Okay, it has a kid
in "Godzilla's revenge," but...
- that hardly
qualifies as a movie.
-Exactly. Thank you.
-Ha.
Let me, uh, buy you a drink.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Um, okay, question,
Godzilla versus king Kong?
-King Kong.
-Yes!