SUBBED
BY
PASH
No, man...don't come in the morning,
I won't be here until two...
...'cause that's when the morning's swell
finally flattens out, you dig?
All right...just bring it on the back then.
Cool. Peace.
I'm not normal.
Clearly!
I need a job.
It's yours.
Hang on, Trucker. You said hiring
was a democratic process around here.
Yeah, that's the way I heard it.
Okay...all those in favor of hiring...
Piper.
...Piper, put your hands up.
Thank you, Jen.
Hey, what about an interview?
Oh, that's fine.
Okay, I...lemme think...
Elvis. Dead or alive?
Dead.
Andy Kauffman?
Dead.
Jerry Garcia?
Grateful. And dead.
Mariah Carey?
Are we talkin' about her acting career, or...?
No.
Okay. Then...alive..
Why did you come to Santa Cruz?
I...have family here.
Are you a virgin?
Mr. Julius!
No. But I used to be.
You're not a witch, by any chance?
Is that a job requirement?
Trucker's blazin' for the woman who runs the
crystal store across the street.
He thinks she's wiccan.
Yeah, they're soulmates, except she's
not exactly aware of that yet.
Okay everybody, time to vote.
Okay, time for a lil' homework.
Then can we go to the art store?
Everybody relax!
I'm here.
Oh, and so close to almost on time.
C'mon, if I was to start always on time,
you'd expect it everyday.
He works here?
Well...he's employed here.
What's up?
Don't pay attention to him.
Okay, today's topic of conversation: clueless men
and the women who use them for gratification.
Who are you?
Piper.
Piper...what are you doing here, Piper?
I...work here.
Why wasn't I notified?
I wasn't notified!
Hey, Priestly! We hired someone.
Thank you.
I swear, we need like a bulletin board or staff e-mail or somethin'...
You know, Priestly? Piper
thinks Elvis is dead.
Really?
And now you hire people who failed the interview?
C'mon, man!
I don't know. I mean, you're cute and everything, but...
But what? C'mon, Tish.
- It's just...
- There it comes!
- I don't really like sex.
- What?!
- How can you not like-
- I've never had a...
...you know?
Woo! Never?
Huh...well, obviously you haven't been with the right guy.
...my God...does that really work?
Every time.
Are you kiddin' me? It's man's greatest challenge.
Tish is the scorpion queen.
See ya tonite!
Well...'nother comrade used and discarded...huh, Tish?
You know, I gotta be honest with you, Tish,
I've never been really comfortable watching you doing that to men...
...when there it should be some sort of a warning sign posted...
If men are that easy to manipulate,
they deserve to be taken advantage of.
I'm easy to manipulate.
Why don't women take advantage of me?
I think we can all guess the answer to that.
Is that the crystal lady?
Oh yeah, that's Zo.
Zo...
Yeah, it's short for Zoheret.
It means "she shines" in hebrew.
You see? She knows things.
She seems nice, Trucker.
So, I'll...give you a call later?
Yeah, huh...sure.
Oh, look! She can still walk.
All right, let's hear it, what were his grades?
"A" for effort, "C" for execution.
Natural gift?
Didn't even register.
That bad, huh?
That bad, and...he knows it.
You know...did you at least tell him that size doesn't matter?
Yeah, sure, I told him.
You don't actually think guys believe that, do you?
Hey Piper, what's in that case?
Oh...that's just my art stuff.
Are you an artist?
Oh, that's cool! Do you paint, like, controversial shit?
Like, people pissin' on the Pope or somethin'?
- No!
- That's not even controversial anymore.
Then what the hell is it?
Well, that's like that, you know..."politically correct controversialism".
It've been done so often that they expect it, now...
Paint someone pissin' on Martin Luther King and see what happens..
Or...Martin Luther King pissin' on the Pope!
That's controversial.
Yeah...or, the Pope pissin' on Martin Luther King?
Or Martin Lawrence? That would really be-
Okay, guys...guys! I don't paint anyone pissin' on anyone. Sorry.
Yeah, no...it was just an idea, you know. I'm just sayin',
if I was an artist I would definetely be pissin' on somebody.
Hey,Trucker!
Right! Piper, why don't you decorate our wall for us?
- Really?
- Sure.
What...what should I paint?
It's yours. Go for it!
You don't have to paint anyone pissin' on anyone.
- I...I mean, unless you want to.
- Good morning.
This was in my mail by mistake.
Hi, Piper...nice to meet you.
Hi.
Wait wait wait wait...how...how did you know her name?
She just feels like "Piper".
Zo, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich?
The roast turkey is very good.
Thank you, but I don't eat anyhting that had a mother.
Oh! Okay, huh....
Eggs salad then?
Well...eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they?
I mean, I support the woman's right to choose,
...but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.
Right on!
Well, actually...since farmers don't keep roosters
the eggs aren't fertilized, so...
technically we're just eating a by-product of the hen's menstrual cycle.
Well, that's certainly appetizing!
A hen period salad, that's...lovely.
I think I'll just stick to the 6" tofurkey.
- 6" tofurkey.
- Comin' up!
Hmm...what's this?
Oh, I made a website for Trucker.
And there's our online order forms
so that people just e-mail me their orders
and then we have them ready at their backup time.
That's cool!
Yeah, and this way Jen's online in case Fuzzy checks in, right?
Who's Fuzzy?
He's just an online friend.
A guy.
Oh, I...hope he's a guy.
We agreed not to exchange any identifying information.
So basically he could be Charles Manson with a laptop?
Bingo!
No, Fuzzy is good.
His presence feels peaceful, don't you sense it?
Yeah, I sense something.
What? Maybe I do.
Just follow where your soul leads, Jen.
Thank you.
Bye, Trucker.
Bye.
Did I say anything stupid?
Doesn't it worry you?
I mean, you don't know anything about him
...or her...or even it!
You know, he's just somebody I can talk to.
And I know it's crazy, but...I feel really close to him.
Do you think he's your soulmate?
Would that be so bad?
No, but...
...what happens when "he" wants to meet?
Well, we've been e-knowing him for almost a year, and it hasn't come up.
A year?!
Jen, what do you guys talk about if you don't talk about each other?
Everything else?
I mean, we talk about music, and books, the war in Irak...
...his dog, my cat...
You know, I just told him that I started working with a future famous artist.
Well, let's not get carried away...
It must be such a trick to look at the ocean and know you can draw it.
Are your parents artistic?
Yeah, my mom's really good.
So maybe you'll have a super-talented kid one day.
I already do.
I was 15.
I had....four younger brothers.
Got one of 'em who was still in diapers...
There was no way my mom was gonna let me keep her.
I never met the couple, but...
I spoke to the wife on the phone once.
She said their names were Lisa and Noah, and...
that they wanted to name her Julia.
She asked if that was okay with me.
I thought that was really considerate, you know?
She promised to stay in touch,
to send pictures...
That's nice.
And she did, for about two years.
Then it just stopped.
The last pictures I saw were of Julia's second birthday.
Just like that?
Nothing for...six years...
Then I saw this!
I was reading this article about gifted kids.
In the back they have some pictures of the art students of Santa Cruz, look!
There she is.
Okay, I mean...she kinda looks like you and...
she's the right age, but-
Jen, I'm not whacked.
Okay, look, they list her name.
- Julia! Julia Miller! And, she's artistic.
- Yeah, but-
So I got on the Net and I looked up Millers in Santa Cruz.
There was a million of them, but there was only one under the name "Noah".
That was the husband's name.
So, I waited until the middle of the day, and I called the number.
And I got the voice mail, and...they were on it!
"This is Noah...and Julia."
Like that.
Jen, it's them!
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Some days it's enough to know that she's happy and healthy and...
...other days...
So...what kind of tricks do you have in mind?
Well, you'll see tonight.
I guarantee you won't be disappointed.
Woodstock, you know, it was just beautiful.
It was perfect, you know?
It was all about peace, and free love, and music-
And draft orgy. Drugs. Irresponsibility. Freak!
Oh, mister J...don't be a buzzkiller!
Just focus on the love, huh?
Hi.
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
You hungry?
- Yeah.
Oh...no. Thank you for the rock.
Oh, no...don't even think about it.
My karma needs all the help it can get.
Thank you, Trucker.
Okay, so anyway, they move you wrong about the drugs.
And I wish I was alive back then!
I mean, it's just my luck to hit my sexual peak
during a time when...
...when celibacy is cool, and...the only safe sex is watching porn.
I should've peaked 40 years ago!
What it'd be so better with?
I mean, you still wouldn't get laid,
and you'd still be watching porn.
The only difference would be, you'd be wearing more polyester.
She does have a point, Priestly.
But, at least here you have company.
No one's got much, except for...Tish.
- I'm excited about tonite. Oh, what time?
- Eight thirty.
- Bye.
- Bye!
Oh, don't even start with me!
If men are that easy to have fun of, they deserve what they get.
Hey, I'm easy! Don't I deserve it?
Well, Priestly, see, your problem is you always go after the hot chicks.
You know, you gotta raise your expectations, man!
Excuse me?
Well, really good looking women, they're high maintainance.
And without exception...
..completely worthless between the sheets.
Seriously?
God's truth.
Certainly been my experience.
Oh, pff...you guys are pathetic!
All right. Take Tish, for example.
- Right?
Men are so pumped to be with a body like hers,
that all she's gotta do is just lay back and enjoy the ride, you see?
That way she's never gonna develop any skills in bed.
I second that!
Hey, I work hard!
Hey, don't get me wrong!
Attractive women are great to look at, just...
...don't go home with the prom queen.
- Give her the crown, she'll never go down.
- I was the prom queen!
Well, I rest my case.
All, right, that's it!
You. And me. In the office!
I'll show you how I've had my crown!
Women!
They are so easy to have fun of,
They deserve what they get!
Dicks!
Nice! Nice!
Shit!
Thank you.
Wow, that was a near death experience!
Thanks.
No problem.
Wow! You draw really good rocks!
They're better than mine.
Wanna know why?
Sure.
I can show you.
You just gotta deepen your shadows, see?
- Don't be afraid to be bold.
- Wow!
Thanks!
That's a...nice subject.
Oh...well, I hope you don't mind,
I'm not a perv or anyhting...
I just tried to practice drawing children.
Doesn't look like you need much practice.
You want it?
No.
Not really.
I'm kiddin'!
I'm kiddin', I'd love it, if you don't mind parting with it, of course...
- What's her name?
- Julia.
She is another artist.
You know, sometimes I feel like
...the only person left in the universe who still paints by numbers.
Oh, she must get all her artistic talents from her mother, then.
Yeah, who knows?
Thank you very much. It's beautiful.
She's beautiful.
Yeah, I'm...sorta partial to it, a lil' bit.
My name is Noah, by the way.
I'm...Anna.
Anna, pleasured to meet you.
Specially since we've established that you are not a perv...
Take care!
Bye.
Hey, what's wrong with the cosmobile?
Ah, won't start...
Can you hop in and see if we can get it degulfed?
Ok, try!
Ain't got nothing.
Okay, once more.
Cut up, cut!
All right, go again.
- That was weird, right?
- That was weird.
- Weird.
Apron!
Oh, look! Fuzzy22, right on time.
Shut up!
A-ha! Can't believe it, Jen, you've fallen for a cop.
Why do you think he's a cop?
Huh, "fuzz"...what else could it be?
I'm thinkin' "peach fuzz"...
...since he's probably, like, 12 or something..
Or maybe he's got a really hairy back.
Maybe he's a peach farmer in Georgia.
Oh, Jen! You don't wanna move to Georgia!
I'm not moving anywhere.
I bet the "22" means he's a gun freak.
Could...just be his age, you know.
Or...could be the number of years left until his parole hearing.
Yeah, or maybe the last 22 years have been doing him into a fuzzy form...
I like that one...
What can I do for you two?
We phoned it in. Two "spicy italian" subs.
How big?
Ten inches...
Total?
Each, of course.
I'm Tish.
Oh my God!
Did that work for anybody else?
Excuse me?
No, not you! Just...
Hello, excuse me!
Hello!
Oh, I'm sorry, I...
"Oh, I'm sorry!"...yeah...
I ordered a twelve inches veggie sub.
Does this look like a 12" for you?
No, I...
You know how girls are not good with measurements.
My last boyfriend told me that this WAS 12".
So, go figure!
Well...
Thanks.
Thank you very much. Thanks.
Thank you!
Thank you. ...I'm such an idiot!
All right, Jen, What's up?
You never struck an order.
Yeah, what happened?
Fuzzy's mother's finally taken his computer away?
No, actually...he wants to meet.
Don't do it, Jen. You don't know anything about him.
What it is that freaks you out so bad with it?
You go home with anybody who gives you lip service!
I talk to them first, dork!
Besides, I can take care of mysef.
This is Jen we talk about.
Ok, reality check, guys!
I mean, this guy could live in Madagascar!
Yeah! Or...Schenectady.
He lives down near L.A.
He told me.
Did you tell him you're here in Santa Cruz?
Jesus, Jen!
Tell me you didn't tell him your real name!
No, he only knows me as "Ladybugger".
So what now, Ladybugger?
I'm gonna think about it.
Tish, righ?
Mistery man, right?
Tadd.
Tadd.
'nother "spicy italian" sub, Tadd?
Just one?
One for Brad too.
Nice hair.
Thanks, "Taddly".
Well, see you around, Tish.
Tadd & Brad ...
Well, isn't that...gay?
Guess it!
Oh...I don't know!
Remember me?
Of course I remember you!
Daddy, look who I found!
Hey there! It's Anna, who draws rocks and little girls.
What are you doing here?
Homework.
Me too.
I've to do math and science
...before I'm allowed to do any art.
Yeah, some mean ogre made up that rule.
Okay, Julia, I'm gonna look up those articles.
Okay.
I'll be fine with Anna.
I'll be right back.
I'll show you somethin'.
See the ears?
Just put a lil' shadow in there.
Cool!
That doesn't look like math to me.
Done.
- Spelling?
- Done.
Well, I have to check it.
Done.
Dad, did you know Anna has four little brothers?
She knews all about kids.
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
And she works in a sandwich shop, but not full time.
Oh yeah?
Dad!
Am I missing something?
Julia has been asking me about private art lessons...
...and I believe she thinks she's found her tutor.
Well...
And you could pick me up at school, so I won't have to walk home with Bradley...
Who?
Okay, two times a week I teach an adult education class...
...and poor Julia has to walk home with Bradley.
And then she's forced to stay with him for 45 whole minutes until I get there.
You are a terrible father.
Huh, I gotta give her something to tell her therapist in 10 years.
Bradley picks his nose in class...
...and, makes these fart noises in his armpits.
Testosterone poisoning, actually, you can't help it
Anna, please, save me!
Please!
Okay.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Tadd.
Tish.
So, what can I get for you tonight?
An order to go.
What do you want?
You.
Sorry, I just leave in ...?...
Well, look...
With men...I've never had a...
...you know...a full on...
Does that work on stupid guys?
Yeah, usually.
You're ready to go then?
Huh! It's nice how he held the door for her...
What a gentleman...
He's a giver, I can tell.
...and I'm the only keeper...
Car's really nice.
Yeah, I love this car.
I love the way you look in this car.
Where is Brad tonight?
Sitting in the apartment, wishin' he would stay where you are instead.
So how do you afford such a nice car...and expensive tips?
Sucked out of my loaded father.
What?
Nothin', it's really good.
Nah, that sucky thing is not right.
That sucky thing?
That's what my dad calls it.
What's your dad calls what?
This.
What? The...sucky thing?
Otherways knows as a turkey baste.
Well...yeah, if you wanna use its nickname...
but everybody knows the real name is of course the...
The sucky thing.
Speaking of sucky things, I have a meeting at six o'clock on thursday.
Do you think you'd be able to stay late with Julia, maybe...get her some dinner?
Would I get to cook with the sucky thing?
Absolutely!
Then it's a deal.
So, where's the mother?
- I don't know.
- You didn't ask?
No!
I mean, as far as they're concerned I'm just some college student.
It would be...weird, if I asked.
What if she calls or...comes over when you're there?
Then you don't slap the bitch for dissing you for five years.
Oh, look! It lives.
Barely.
All right, start with this. I'll get the IV ...?....
I'm in love.
No, you're in heat...
Oh, look! A man pretending to knowledge the difference.
Finally found an 11, huh?
Huh...12!
I did things with Tadd, I've never done before.
Oh, really? Like what? Wait for the second date?
Well, the surf sucked.
What did I miss at our staff meeting?
Well, Tish in love.
Or in lust...
...depending on who you're talking to.
Really? I'm proud of you, angel.
Piper is digging herself deeper and deeper into the pit of deceit with the Millers...
Good...nice to see that our old company tradition for making the worst possible decision
in any situation, has been passed on to the next generation employee.
Priestly has gotten in touch with his feminine side.
I love my kilt!
And, I have reached a decision...on meeting Fuzzy.
And?
Well, hmm...
We have all the same interests,
he makes me laugh all the time, and...
Man, I tell him everything!
It's a no-brainer.
We have to meet!
Right on!
And...what if "he" is a woman?
We'll find a way to make it work.
Oooh, if that happens, can I watch?
What if he's 14?
Oooh, if that happens, can I...videotape?
He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right?
And that's not...that much younger.
Convicted felon?
Hmmm, he's out now, so it couldn't have been that bad.
Paralized?
If he can go with that, I sure can.
Ugly as a rhino's ass?
Looks are really the least of my worries.
I mean, he's a great guy.
But what if he's got, like, crazy ass hair and...
and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?
Oh, I could never be that lucky.
Okay, so...when and where?
Halfway, next saturday, at a club in Morro Bay.
He'll be the one with a white rose on his table.
Oh, that's so romantic!
Trucker...
I was wondering if there was any way I could borrow the cosmobile...
I think that way I could just camp out.
- Of course. Anything for true love!
- Thank you.
Well, I'm going with.
Really?
Me too.
You guys are the best.
Yeah! Count me in!
FORGET IT!
Can we get to work now?
I...I'll drive.
No!
I'll buy the beer.
Never get to do anything fun...
Priestly, you wanna go out on a fly errand?
Affirmative.
But what's that we need, captain?
Oh, we're out of tampons in the ladies' bathroom.
Oh, look at that face!
Don't worry about it, we'll get 'em tomorrow.
What, do you think I'm afraid of a box of plungers?
No worries, mate.
Come on, look at me!
I'm a poster boy for maturity!
All right, maybe not, but close enough.
I can do this.
All right? I'm comfortable enough with myself to do this for you ladies.
Hey, Renaissance man!
If you need help, just call me.
Code blue. Hostile territory. Aborting mission.
Who is this?
Renaissance Man. I'm at the store.
There's too many enemy tampons. I'm bailing.
Alright, stay focused. Describe the situation.
Initial recon appears to be bag or box?
- Box.
- Box. Roger that.
- Alright, look around chest height. Do you see anything marked "regular"?
- Okay, regular.
Uh, here's one but it says "slender regular".
How can something be both slender and regular? Isn't that mutually exclusive?
Priestly...
Unless, of course they're implying that in the mysterious underworld of femboxes slender is regular.
Priestly. Are you done?
- Well, what about the Super Pluses?
- No!
- Why not? They sound, like, better.
- Don't. They're huge.
I thought you liked huge.
This is one area where bigger is not better.
Yeah, well shouldn't you buy all the protection you can get? I mean...
...it says here it can handle any amount of...oh my God!
Priestly, listen. If a woman needs an emergency...dipstick
...in the ladies' room of a sandwich stop...
- That's nasty.
- She just wants something
that's going to hold her over until she can get home and use one of her own,
based on her own style preferences and...flow requirements.
- Tish!
- Yeah?
That word..."flow".
That's nasty. It's gross.
Just...buy the slender regulars.
Over and out. Back to base camp.
Roger that. Over and out.
Huh...Hi!
Who was that?
Uh...Priestly.
Jason?
No, huh...he works here.
You've seen him.
Oh, yeah...the freak!
- Check out this dude's dress!
- Nice!
What?
Nice breadsticks, dude!
What, these?
Dude, are you having a not so fresh day?
Think it's funny that I'm buying tampons?
Do you gentlemen...and I use that term loosely...
understand what this means?
Obviously not.
This mean that...
...that there's a woman with whom I'm so intimate
that we're both comfortable with me buying her most personal possessions.
This means that our relationship is so solid, so trusting,
that I'm not embarassed doing this at all.
It means, my friends,
that instead of hanging out at a grocery store havins a sausage fest with another guy
playing the skin flute, or just goin' a lil'...all day long...
I'm getting laid by a beautiful lady
everyday, and she takes it downtown.
And...everyone here knows it.
- No high fives dude. Just gimme some love.
- All right!
Excellent!
Peace!
That's how she knows that I'm home
...and that she's been kissed.
Oh, I hate comin' home this late...
Yes, she tried to wait up for you, but...
- ...eyelids went out.
- Yeah.
So there's a ton of lasagna in the oven.
I only know how to cook for a football team, and...
Julia have only eaten a small piece, so...the rest is up to you.
You didn't eat?
No.
Was your cooking that bad?
Should I...order out?
My cooking is just fine, thank you very much.
I just...feel a little awkward.
Well, I think you should join me.
I don't...want you to feel awkward, but...I haven't eaten.
Okay.
Honestly, this is the best homecooked meal I've had
since we moved here.
- So where are you from?
- Pennsylvania.
Really?
I'm from Maryland.
Really?
We used to go to Maryland all the time, we lived just across the border.
We'd go down to this great lil' crab shop.
"We"?
So there's a Mrs. Miller?
There used to be...
..there's not anymore.
And you ended up with Julia?
That's...unusual, isn't it?
Look...I'm not really comfortable talking about this, Anna.
I'm sorry.
You know, I think I'm gonna go.
- Anna, look, don't go...I...
- No.
I intruded.
Anna, please!
I really need to go.
Thank you.
Come on, Priestly, it can't be that bad.
- Yes, it can.
- I can't believe you won't tell us.
Leave it, baby.
Morning!
Hey, Truck, you'll know.
What's Priestly's first name?
Beats me.
Hey, but it's...gotta be on his application, right?
Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he even filled one out.
Beach City Grill, subs by the inch.
Hi, is Anna there?
Anna?
Anna! Yeah! Yeah, Anna is here.
Hallo?
Hey, it's me.
Hi.
Listen, I was just calling to make sure you're still babysitting tomorrow.
Sure I am.
Good, I...I was afraid you wouldn't come because of last night.
It's just...
- ...everything with Julia's mother...
- Hey, you know what?
I shouldn't have pried.
You know, until Julia was 2 I just, you know...
Well, I should say it wasn't a really good time.
I understand.
Okay, great. So that's all behind us...okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, I'll...
- ...see you tomorrow then.
- Yeah.
Bless you!
Thank you.
Bye.
Okay, I've got it all worked up.
We drive up saturday, check-in at the camp ground...
...and Trucker said that if we full the seat down,
there's enough room for all the three of us to sleep.
Yeah, right...
Like you're gonna be spending the night with us...
What?
Nothing.
- No way!
- What?!
You're still a virgin...
So? It's not anything to be ashamed of...is it?
No, it's not.
If I had mantained that, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.
Yeah...listen, it's, huh, it's not really different from when you do it yourself.
It just...takes a lot longer.
Never?
Guys, I'm a computer nerd, daughter of a southern baptist minister from Wichita.
I'm the worst kind of late bloomer.
You've never plugged your own banjo...
Come on! It's not like you guys do it all the time, right?
Yesterday morning.
Two days ago.
Last night.
Don't worry! I made Bam-Bam go in the other room.
Oh...and I'm the one worried about carpal tunnel?
- Yeah.
- It's not carpal. It's one or two fingers.
Nothing's happening!
Keep going!
I don't know you guys, maybe mine's a dud!
KEEP GOING!
- Ow!
- What ?
Very intense...
- Well, just slow it down a little bit!
- Or move it to the left!
This is one of those times I wish I smoked...
...or did origami, or something...
Come on!
Tadd's waiting for me!
Tell him to come up here and help, if he's so impatient..-
So, is Brad going rollerblading with your guys too?
Tadd says he's not one of those guys who gives up his friends when he gets a girlfriend.
It's cool...I guess.
I guess...but they're roommates.
I mean, they see each other all the time anyway.
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh...oh, my God...
Ladies and gentleman, we have leafed off!
Elvis has left the building!
Doesn't she look different to you?
Our little girl's growing up.
Roll off!
Baby, you are something!
Something good, I hope.
Yeah...somethin' good.
Hey, I got these tickets for "The Catalyst" on saturday.
Oh...bummer! I'm going out of town.
Where are you going?
Morro Bay, but just for saturday night.
Can't you get out of it?
- Hm-Hm, I'm going with Jen and Piper.
- Who?
My friends from the shop...Jen's mystery man, remember?
Yeah, right...look, can't you just tell 'em you got a better offer?
But I didn't.
Huh...well, fuck you very much!
I'm sorry, but there's no way I'm standing Jen up.
Next time just ask first.
Whatever...
So we have to find someone else to use the third ticket.
"We"'?
As in "Brad"?
Yeah, as in "Brad".
Right, good. Is Brad coming on all of our dates?
What is the fucking big deal?
You have your friends, I have mine.
True, but I don't bring mine everywhere I go.
You're not one of those possessive chicks, are you?
The kind that doesn't want me to have a life away from her?
- No.
- Good!
Because I'm not gonna put up with that shit.
Just...forget I said anything, okay?
I don't know why, I'm being weird.
Hey, call in sick...
Spend the day with me.
Girl's gotta work. Besides, I don't have a rich daddy.
Know, we could have a little fun...
Why not? Tonight.
Daddy!
Hey, kiddo!
- Well, you'll never guess what happened.
- What?
All the power went out at the school, so they sent everybody home.
Now, ain't that a shame?
- I'd tell you're really broken up about it.
- Yeah.
So I figured, if you feel like, we'd go down to the boardwalk one last time
before they close the rides down for the winter...
Awesome!
And you know what?
If we're lucky, we might just be able to get Anna to come with us.
Anna, please!
Daddy won't take me on any spinning rides!
That's because daddy doesn't do spinning rides,
because spinning rides remind daddy
of how he used to feel after frat parties.
Just...dizzy and sick.
Daddy doesn't do 'em, you cant' make me do 'em, it's not gonna happen.
Woo! Look, daddy! I fly!
We did the right thing, Noah?
Not really, no!
- Daddy, can I go playing the dart game?
- Yes, you can!
- Here's the tickets.
- Thanks!
Watch me!
Okay, so look...I don't...
...wanna be a walking clich and hit on the babysitter, but...
...I want you to know that I like coming home and finding you there.
I do.
So...bear with me on this, because I haven't....done this in a long time, but...
...would you be interested at all in...spending more time with the entire Miller family?
Not just Julia, but...
...with me?
The deep sigh...
Okay...
No. Nope...
The answer is "yes". A big yes.
Yeah?
There's a few things I think we need to be honest about first.
You're really a man?
Only from the waist down.
That doesn't bother you, does it?
No, not at all! I like a girl with balls .
- Daddy!
- Hey!
Guess what I won!
I...gee, I give up. What?
Well, I'll give you a hint! I won a snake!
Fireworks!
Pretty cool, huh?
I know what you mean about honesty, though.
- You do?
- Yeah.
We'll talk later.
All right, so we have chocolate, sleeping bags, food,
personal items, chocolate, money, chocolate, and beer.
Do you think we have enough chocolate?
I'll add it.
Oh, was that Tadd all pissed off?
Yeah, he's turded about something as usual. ...?...
Good. I was worried you was mad at me for a second. Imagine...
Ah, no. You're okay.
Hey, Jen, did you do something different with your hair?
No, why?
I don't know, you just look different.
- You told him?
- No.
All right angels, cosmobile is ready to roll!
THANKS, CHARLIE!
- Greetings, everyone!
- Hey, Zo!
Take care of the Temple, Truck.
I made this for your trip.
Does that have chocolate in it?
Sadly, no.
This is a mixture of ground herbs, petals and pots.
It will bring wholesomeness and protection to you on your journey.
Thank you, Zo.
It's not a sin, Jen, it's a celebration.
Enjoy it freely.
Now, for this to work, you have to hold each other
and release it into the wind blowing off the ocean.
Okay!
I have to run.
I'm making lentle and tofu soup.
Stop by if you want some.
Hey, Zo!
Are you vegetarian because you love animals, or because you hate plants?
Oh...I do love you, Priestly.
Hey, I'm...babysitting here by myself all weekend, I'd...
...love it if you took a shift.
If this turns out to be the ashes of Zo's first husband, I'm gonna freak.
I really don't think this is necessary.
It looks better down.
- What are you doing?
- No...it needs more lift.
It's not gonna get more lift.
You guys, just...I just want him to see the real me.
Oh no no! No. You never show the real you on a first date.
- I think you look beautiful.
- Thank you.
Different, somehow.
- So, do you know what he drives?
- No.
No, of course not, that would be too easy.
What difference would it make?
Lots!
Suppose he drives some beat-up piece of shit hold together by duct tape and dental floss...
All you need is love.
And what if he has, like, NRA and skinheads' stickers all over it?
Then we can work it out.
It's Beatles's ...?...night at the Morro Bay,
en el Morro Bar.
we're accepting Fab Four requests all night long.
What if he's "The fool on the hill"...or "The nowhere man"?
Tish..."Let it Be".
Besides, everybody's got something to hide.
- EXCEPT ME AND MY MONKEY!
- Stop it!
All right, so this is all we have to do:
we have to find a table in the back or in the corner
so that we can scope him or her out in advance.
And, if he's an extra ...?..., we bolt.
Maybe we should send Tish past him and see if he check her out.
If he doesn't check Tish out, he's either gay or dead.
It's true. Nevermind.
Okay...remember you guys: white rose.
C'mon Alice, move that ass!
Maybe that's him.
So-so.
I told you, I don't care about looks.
Do you think that's him?
You want me to walk up by the table and check?
Wait.
I'm gonna guess that's not.
Unless he were on a date.
Oh my God!
That settles it! I have got to get my ADSL hooked up!
Oh...is that a face made for sitting on or what?
Come on, Jen...
Please talk to us.
Look, do you want me to...to go back down and tell Fuzzy22 that you had cold feet or...?
No.
Come on, why not, Jen?
I mean, he came a long ay to meet you...
I don't know what you saw that we missed.
What I saw was...just a guy looking for the girl of his dreams.
A guy like that doesn't dream about a girl like me.
Is this about how cute he was?
And I thought you'd be happy!
...not to mention, you know, pretty damn relieved.
Besides, you said that looks don't matter.
Yeah, that was before I knew he was Brad-fucking-Pitt!
There's no way a guy who looks like that is gonna want me.
That's crazy.
Is it?
I mean, look at Tadd.
When he came into the shop he didn't exactly beelined me, did he?
Okay, but Tadd is a superficial dickhead, everybody knows that.
Everyone except Tish, sorry.
I mean, girls who look like you don't understand...
You know, I always think like...
...if I lost ten pounds, or...wear different clothes, or...
...got new boobs, that would make a difference, but...
I know the truth.
I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.
You're the smartest person that I know.
When I see you helping those homeless guys that no one can even look at...
You make everyone around you happy.
You have so much to offer.
I mean, to say you don't just because of how you look it's just...it's just a whole bullshit.
I didn't say I don't have a lot to offer.
I said that people will never know because they don't see me.
How many proms did you miss because no one asked you?
How many times have your friends left you sitting alone at the club
where they went to dance with guys?
Or how many times has a customer completely ignored you to get a better look at me?
So until that happens...
Until you're told time ans time again that your place in life is in the background...
...don't tell me that's bullshit.
Because you don't know.
All I saw tonight was a man with eyes full of hope.
Hope...
That would've turned into disappointment, the second he saw me.
A forced smile...
Polite conversation...
How I couldn't stand that!
Not after all this.
All right!
I've been sitting by the phone, waiting, wondering...
I demand a full report, I want all details!
What happened?
Okay, look...huh...there's a particular reason we didn't call you...
Are you okay?
You shitting me?
Jen!
Please tell me you din't leave Fuzzy just sitting down there wondering!
God damn it, Jen!
I don't expect you to understand.
No, I understand.
I understand you wouldn't talk to him because you were terrified he was gonna judge you on the bases of your looks.
Yet you're completely comfortable doing the exact same thing to him!
That's unbelievable! God!
What?
Why are you pissed at me?
I'm not pissed at you.
I mean, not you specifically, more's like a representative member of your gender!
Oh, come on...look, that was really hard on Jen.
Oh, really? Really, Tish? 'cause I'm sure it wasn't a picnic for Fuzzy too.
Why are you suddenly Fuzzy's best friend?
Why?
Because it's pathetic, Tish, okay?
It's pathetic that you can't rise above all the superficial horseshit that's whirling around you.
I mean, why is it, why is it that some people can't see a good thing when it's standing right in front of them, huh?
What is it that screws all that up?
Can you tell me?
I swear, you're like 2 years old...
more interest in the wrapping paper than in what's inside.
Wait.
Are you talking about Jen, or me?
If there's a difference, let me know.
Hey Jen.
Just leave it. You've had a long day, I'll close it up.
You sure?
Yeah...yeah, go home and get drunk.
Thank you.
- I'll, hmm...I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yep.
On your back!
Let's take these off.
- Oh my God!
- Oh, yeah!
- No! No! NO!
What are you doing, asshole?
Come on, Tish, it's just Brad!
- Yeah, relax Tish, it's cool.
- Get out!
Tish, I live here.
You know what I mean!
Come one...what's the big deal?
Haven't you ever had a threesome before?
It's fun, we'll show you.
We do it all the time.
Oh, no! Forget it!
Where are you going?
I can't believe you're getting so fucked up about it!
It's not like you're the most moral chick on the planet!
What?!
Look, one of the reasons I dug you so much is because you're obviously...
- Experimental.
- Yeah! Experimental.
God...well, science class is over, children!
- Oh, come on, Tish!
- You know you want me.
What's the big deal?
Let go of me!
- Get on the bed...
- Get out of my way! Let go!
Oh my God!
Now look what you did...
What I did?!
Get the fuck away from me!!!
Bye, Tish!
I'll be here waiting.
People is stupid, they just don't think like that.
Okay Priestly, this time you're ...?....
I'm just saying Cobain wasn't trying to leave this world,
All right? He was just tryin' to leave Courtney.
I'll buy it.
Oh, shit...what happened?
Oh...yeah, isn't it beautiful? I mean, when I ...?..., I really ...?....
What did you do?
I was...rollerblading out on West Cliff and I wasn't paying attention...
And I hit some ...?... plant and...went down. It's just...not a big deal.
You guys, I'm fine!
So, huh...who do we trash today?
Courtney Love.
Good, I hate her.
Yeah, I wish she'd hit some ...?... plant!
You know, the parenting books all say it's supposed to be easier to put kids to sleep
in the winter, because it gets dark earlier.
I think they're lying.
Maybe she's just an exceptional kid.
Yeah...that must be it.
Couldn't possibly mean that I'm a lame father.
Okay, Noah, here it goes.
I got somethin' to tell you.
Something major.
I have something to tell you too.
Something no one knows about Julia, I've...
...never told anyone.
I think you should go first then.
I think your thing relates to my thing.
Okay.
Well, my thing is this:
Julia's mother lives on the East Coast...
...and is...legally barred from seeing Julia until her 18th birthday.
What?
Why?
When Julia was 5 months old, her mother tried to kill them both.
She sat in the car holding Julia
with the exhaust pipe in.
Fortunately, a neighbour who was letting his dog shit in our frontyard heard the engine, broke a window and saved 'em.
What happened then?
Hospital, medicines, therapy, everything.
Very slowly
I just started leaving her and Julia alone again.
Then, right after her third birthday,
I got a call at work.
We were toilet-training Julia
...and I guess...
...she had an accident in her pants.
Her mother held her hand on the toilet bowl and...
...slammed the lid down.
Broke two of her fingers and three bones.
And, so, I...
...filed for divorce and custody.
Obviously, got both.
Then we packed the car and moved down here to start a new life.
Does Julia remember any of this?
No, no...I dont think so.
Anyway, she used to say:
"Mummy hurt me, so she doesn't live her anymore" over and over, but...
...it soon stopped.
Must have been so hard...
Well, my responsibility as a parent is to protect my child.
I can accept the suicide attempt, that's post-partum depression, but...
...everything else was a clear patten of abuse.
What?
- Post-partum depression?
- Yeah.
But you...have to give birth for that to happen.
Ah...yeah..
But Julia is adopted!
What?! No she's not, why...why would you think that?
Yes she is!
No she's not, Anna...I...I was in the delivery room at the hospital.
She's not adopted!
Jesus Christ, you look like you're gonna be sick!
Christ, Anna! What's wrong?
She's not my baby?
What?!
No! Anna...
I'm not Anna!
I'm not anyone!
Anna!
You're ready to go, babe?
Hey Trucker, can I leave ten minutes early?
Sure, angel.
Just be careful if you go rollerblading.
I don't like the way that old hippie calls you "angel".
Look, I didn't want to make a scene in there, but there's no way I'm ever going out with you again!
Why, because you got a little bruise?
You can't blame me if you're...clumsy.
Clumsy?!
This would have never happened if you and Brad hadn't tried to force me to do something I didn't want to do!
Forced you? Gimme a break, come on, get...
Get in the car!
Look, why don't you and Brad just admit that the girl's unnecessary
and get on with it?
What are you talking about?
Are you so far in the closet you can't see the light?
You and Brad are hot for each other.
You just use the girl to pretend you're straight.
Listen to me!
I'm no fag.
I was captain of the football team in high school.
Let me guess...
You were a Tight End, always to afraid of becoming a Wide Receiver?
Why don't you just be a man and admit what you are?
No one cares that you're gay.
If you ever call me queer again, I-
You do not hit her!
You piece of shit!
What is it with you guys?
Fine, she's a waste of time anyway.
You okay?
Hey! Shithead!
Why don't you try the old hippie?
Trucker, don't!
What is it with you people?
She's a cheap piece of ass! Who cares about her?
That's it, pretty boy...
Keep talkin'.
You listen to me, you dickless yuppie!
Tish is a lady and she's my friend!
All right? I ever see you around her, there'll be one of your pictures
on "Unsolved Mysteries". You got it?
Does anyone else think that Trucker might have...some explaining do to?
Let's go to my pad.
Are you okay?
I don't believe it...
Gordon Hancock?!
Senior class prez...
Captain of the football team...
No Woodstock?
No free love, no peace rallies?
Yeah, I took the free love when I could get it, I mean...
- No bongs?
- Well...
- No Grateful Dead concerts?
- That came later.
What happened?
Oh, pff...I got drafted.
I found out I was a sneaky son of a bitch...
...good at...killing people before they even knew that I was there.
It's funny what you can learn about yourself.
Geez...
Did three tours...lost count of the bodies somewhere in the second...
So, God knows how many souls I gotta face somday...
So, when was Trucker born?
Well...when I got home, I started taking long walks at night on the beach, and...
...met some crazy ass surfers...
They made me smile, you know? For the first time since I had gotten back.
I bought a board...
...and changed my name.
But I swore that I would never...hurt another human as long as I'd lived.
I'm sorry I made you break your promise.
Oh, no
I said that I would never hurt another "human"..
So I'm cool with that, angel.
But, promise me somethin'?
Anything.
No more shitheads.
You know, like, date a...a nice guy.
The problem is...
...guys like that don't ask me out.
Well, maybe they could ask the wizard for some courage.
That's it, isn't it?
Courage.
That's why you won't ask Zo out?
You're afraid she won't like your past.
She's just all about love and...and peace, and...
I don't think she'd accept it.
I wouldn't know hot to tell her.
I don't think you have to.
Zo is in your yearbook.
Look...it's her.
Oh my God...it's really Zo!
Get out of here...
- She's cute!
- Come on, pass it back!
Ah....Trucker!
- How in the hell I missed that?
- I like!
Hey!
You can't hide forever, Anna ...
...or whatever your name is.
What do you want?
I want the truth.
You owe me that much.
So you came out here because you saw a picture of a girl you thought might be your daughter?
No!
The pieces fit!
Age, looks...
...artistic ability!
The mother told me that she was gonna name her Julia and that her husband's name was Noah.
Still, I don't see why you just didn't ask!
When you were vague about her past I assumed that was because you didn't want me to know that she was adopted
That sounds like wishful thinking.
Why would you lie about your name?
There aren't that many Pipers hanging around.
I was afraid you'd remember my name from the adoption papers.
Anna is my middle name.
Look, I never intended on becoming part of your lives.
I just wanted to know that she was okay.
But you did, Anna. You became part of our lives, and now it just...
...it just seems like a lie.
You know, I didn't want to give up my baby!
I was forced to!
I mean, what would you do if Julia was taken from you?
Wouldn't you think about her every day for the rest of your life?
- Yeah, of course...
- Then why is it any different for me?
I mean, why is my love for my child just a whim while yours is real?
Of course, you have your child, so you can afford to be judgemental.
All I have is the ghosts of two Julias.
I loved them both, and I lost them both.
So you always knew about...me being in the war?
You were 3 years behind me?
Of course I was...crazy for you.
All the girls were.
You never paid much attention to the freshmen girls.
Especially not nerdy, flat-chested ones.
You know, Trucker, no matter how much you grow up...
...sometimes high school is right there, bleeding dwon your neck.
That just blows my mind that...I was your high school fantasy.
It's true.
So, what did you fantasized about us?
Watching the sunset at the beach?
Sometimes.
Yeah...what else?
Stuff.
Tell me.
Trucker, my high school fantasy was...
...that we were in love.
That...by a mere look at each other's eyes
time would stand still
...and our hearts would forever beat as one.
I'm sorry it took so long.
That's okay...
Are you guys...?
Oh, ladies first.
Thank you.
- Good evening. Did you find everything all right?
- Yep.
- Your total's $9.75.
- Thanks.
Thank you. Have a good night.
- This sucks, dude!
- Seriously!
Here, I'll put the stuff back.
Wait, wait, wait...keep the lube.
You people are too naive!
So you're saying that Chapman did pull the trigger?
Affirmative!
Order up!
Wasn't it just a CIA puppet?
No, he was programmed, right down the line!
- No, no! The threat was over, man! By then he was just imaking love songs for Yoko, and...
- What?!
No, no...Lennon was coming alive again.
Reagan had just taken off, so he had to be taken out.
Exactly! Thank you!.
See? Genious!
- Can you hold this?
- Sure.
- Stay close, Julia!
- I will!
Okay, so here's the deal:
Julia and I took a vote, and there's a definite vacant seat in the family.
Job is yours, if you want it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Only one ground rule:
nothing but honesty from now on.
I swear.
- Noah?
- Hm?
- That shirt's of a really nasty color.
- Okay, not that honest!
Hey, I'm just trying to get started somewhere!
- Hey man.
- Hi.
- Are you hungry?
- No.
Okay, huh...how can I help?
You're pretty.
No, I don't...I don't know about that.
I do.
Well, thank you.
You're very pretty.
And you're exactly how I'd hoped you'd be...
...Ladybugger.
I punched you, baby!
Gotta remember to lock off your computer, Jen...
Can we...
...can we go somewhere to talk?
Face to face, for a change?
I'd like that.
Huh...I'm Jeff Kenline, by the way.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Jeff Kenline.
- Hey, dude!
- Yeah?
Huh...where did you get "Fuzzy22" from?
Huh...I got that account when I was working on my senior thesis.
It was on fuzzy logic and I was 22.
Why? Did you think I was a cop or somethin'?
No, of course not!
That would be stupid...a cop!
Who says "a cop"...I mean, honestly, "fuzzy"...
Did you do that?!
Awesome!
So, one tuna sub...and a veggie sub.
- Huh, about...ten minutes.
- All right.
All right, what can I get for you?
Holy shit!
Miss Matheson, it would be my pleasure if you would agree to...
...accompany me to dinner tonight.
Depends.
On what?
I wanna know your first name.
Yeah!
Come one, gimme a break!
I went to Banana Republic, for Christ's sake!
Dammit!
Boaz
Can't hear you.
Boaz, all right?
My first name is Boaz.
- Boaz?!
- Shut up!
Can I tell you something, Boaz?
Okay.
This is something...I've never told to anyone else.
Yeah, of course.
Tish...
...is short for "Platisha".
Platisha?
Platisha.
It's good!
Oh, there's something I should mention, huh...Platisha.
And what's that, Boaz?
Well...you see, with women...there's never...I mean, I've never...
Don't try.
Is that a "yes"?
Yes, Boaz!
Dad!
- We asked you here today...
- It's all right.
- ...in this most sacred and beautiful of all places...
...to witness our dedication to each other.
We start our new lives as we started the last.
Naked and needing...
...dependant on those we love to care for us.
- Hell, yeah!
- Congratulations!
- Rock on, man!