1
First take out the straws.
The Germans can't stand the hoe,
- the general said.
Only at dawn did Mitic
find the piano buried in the hay.
All night long we could hear the cracking
sounds of lice roasting in the fire.
In the morning we were ready
to welcome our guests.
It was during the last months
of the war.
We were caught in a trap, somewhere
in the Ukrainian steppe.
We were waiting
for the final catastrophe.
At 10.00 sharp, just as announced,
the car of our German allies
drew up in front of our barracks.
Our hope was born again,
our dislike of them, put on hold.
What were they coming for?
What were they up to?
Was it that in the end these arrogant
jerks were the ones to save us?
We might yet see, why not, a miracle!
What's with this hoopla?
Is it your national holiday?
Do we have to shout from the rooftops
that I've come to Ukraine?
To our surprise and humiliation,
we immediately understood it was
no military project to save the day,
but a mere stopover {or a snack.
Eine Vorspeise (an appetizer in German)...
Just a bite at an Ukrainian inn
on the way oi this hungry
redneck oi a samurai,
accompanied by a young major,
elegant and slender as a movie star.
Come... Come on, please!
Sit down, please!
This hare... It's for you alone.
We're having beans...
beans... beans...
- Would you like some hare?
- No, I love beans.
I just need to open my can.
This hare...
We've got... Neither wine...
Nor beer... Or uica (Romanian plum brandy)...
We've got... water only.
Hans! Bring the box.
This hare...
That's exactly what the General
wanted to warn you about.
This hare is trimmed with bullets.
There's a crazy Russian here,
every evening he hunts down hares
with a Kalashnikov.
When there are no hares,
he'll settle for people.
Gentlemen, a present from the General.
But on one condition, ok?
We have to drink this here.
- Who among you has been to Paris?
- Captain Mitic!
Gentlemen, I confess I have French blood
running through my veins.
I studied in Paris.
In the Sorbonne during the day,
and at nighttime at the One Two Two.
- Do you know what the One Two Two is '?
- I know what One Two Two is!
Then you tell them
what One Two Two is.
Do y'all know what One Two Two is?
It's a whore-house,
like our Stone Cross, only classier.
Do you know why it's called
One Two Two'?
Cause it's on One Two Two Rue de Provence!
Tell them who used to go there:
Charlie Chaplin, Jean Gabin, Leopold...
the king of Belgium.
Humphrey Bogart, Greta Garbo...
Greta Garbo...
How's that? That angel '?
Why, don't the angel have a dick?
They don't. man...
Marlene Dietrich, Marlene Dietrich
was into agelation. Edith Piaf...
- But why women... what was they after?
- Women, of course.
The General's health!
Do you know when I last had
Veuve Clicquot in Paris?
It was in '38, at the One Two Two.
Charles Trenet had just
premiered La Polka du Roi...
I also have some Romanian blood.
How's that?
On the female side, my family comes
from a Moldavian princess... Klarenfeld.
Von Klarenfeld is my name.
We are an aristocratic family.
So at the beginning there was
this Moldavian princess,
who married a Lithuanian prince
in the 17th century.
You have Lithuanian blood, too?
Yes... yes... Lithuanian blood.
I also have Ethiopian blood.
One of my ancestors was fascinated
with the Orient and with Ethiopia...
You're familiar
with Pushkin's case, right?
Check my profile.
In time we've all germanized.
But originally we're Romanians.
Look, I have proof...
If you press this like dough,
you see the aurochs head in relief.
- Which of you is a stamp collector?
- Captain Mitic!
Do you know anything
about the aurochs-head stamps?
Too little. I've never had a chance
to take the aurochs by the horns.
All I know is out of catalogs
and conversations.
Too bad. Still, have you heard
this stamp mentioned,
the rarest and most expensive stamp
in the world?
After all, it's an honor
for your country...
The first token of your liberation
from the Ottoman rule.
I've heard that an American billionaire has
a unique aurochs head worth 27 big ones.
I think it's just a legend...
That's no legend.
It's perfectly true.
And it seems that it's the only one
in the world...
It's peach-colored, not yellow-orange,
like the other ones in the series.
If that's so,
there have to be others, too.
I think they haven't searched
deep enough
into the archives
of the old Romanian families.
I mean, they had no system,
they were chaotic...
You're right.
It was quite chaotic.
This stamp
is an old obsession of mine,
but I've only started researching it
in Bucharest.
I got there a few months after
the synagogue had been burned down
and after the horrors
at the slaughterhouse.
The Jews were lost, the billionaires
wanted to emigrate, but where to?
Siberia, where Stalin had settled them?
Their chance was in Romania, though.
I tracked down a stamp in Iai.
I settled there
and started investigating.
All the information led to Brlad,
apparently to the Costcheti,
an old boyar family.
I was too late. They had sold it
to a rich Jew in Chernovtsy.
I ran to Chernovtsy.
But the aurochs head had emigrated abroad,
to Lwow (town in Poland).
I ew over to Lwow,
the aurochs head eludes me,
disappears into Moldova,
I track it down in Iai,
during the night it disappears
right out of Iai.
It was lost for good,
but then it surfaces,
where do you think,
in Chernovtsy of course.
It had been chased back
to its place of origin.
Then the final ordeal started,
I chased it in knee-high mud,
starved, in the cold,
to Tighina, Rbnia, Moghilev.
I met it face to face,
nowhere left to run,
it was terminus... Vapniarka (town in Ukraine).
Here it is!
But I had to pay 50,000 marks,
travel expenses not included.
Look.
The aurochs head is no longer unique.
Now there are two identical stamps
in the world, but two only.
Tenium non datur (meaning "there is no third possibility").
How much do you think it's worth?
I couldn't say, at least
twice or three times as much!
The hell it is!
You're far off the mark.
It's at least a million,
a million and a half German marks.
Look at the left ear, it's got two
discontinuities in its lower side.
Look, the shades on the inside
of the ear differ in shape.
And his eyes... extraordinary,
perfectly round,
the left one is bigger, asymmetric
and the iris is doubled by a spot.
Look, General, this small arc,
this small triumphal arch.
It's written in Romanian.
For the first time.
Porto scrisori (letters).
Excuse my interruption. I assume
the stamp was not traveling by itself,
it had company,
like the rich Jew, for instance.
Naturally...
I said the stamp"... as a...
Ellipsis...
That's a classical trope
used in order to avoid
something potentially embarrassing.
Very useful to express ambiguity.
Short cut", you know?
Pardon?
The stamp is here,
but the Jew is short of a head.
What happened to the Jew
who was accompanying the stamp?
The Jew was paid 50,000 Marks cash.
Where was I?
The eyes are round...
Yes, the eyes are round...
The right eye is round
with a stellar pupil...
Forgive me. Vapniarka...
Vapniarka is a camp, right?
Yes... yes, a camp.
It's not Ritz...
Sometimes they don't get
hot chocolate for breakfast.
May I go on?
The right eye is round
with a stellar pupil
and a trace of an eyebrow...
Honestly, I don't get you,
you Romanians are very bizarre.
You can still get out of Vapniarka...
still get out...
But try this in Poland...
Here you can still negotiate.
You grease somebody and you're out.
With a bit of luck you get aboard a ship at Constana
(town in Romania on the Black See).
And farewell
to the promised land.
It's very expensive because
it's a country of thieves and bandits.
- Thieving gypsies.
. Yes, yes, thieving gypsies.
Present company excluded, of course.
Gentlemen...
I am not an anti-Semite...
The Von Klarenfelds are aristocrats.
All raised in a humanist,
liberal tradition.
If you want to know, I've carefully
researched the family archives.
I found out
we have some Jewish blood.
Not much, but still,
there's some Jewish blood.
And German blood,
don't you have any at all?
Excellent, excellent.
You're quick-witted, you Romanians.
Forgive me, my dear, for all
the horrors you had to hear.
Go back home... to your fortress,
my heart.
I'd like my stamp back, please.
It's not here.
Clear the table.
Move the tables away.
Move over there.
Undress.
Undress, y'all!
Come on, faster.
Faster.
Turn around!
Who's giggling?
Who's giggling?
Gentlemen, it's unacceptable
that we don't find the stamp.
Our honor is at stake.
I prefer only one of us loses it.
That is why, despite my shame,
I ask you,
I command you to submit yourselves
to a severe body search
which I will conduct on all of you,
starting with myself.
Officers, get behind me, please.
Come on, Tommy.
Undress!
- General...
- Quiet!
Undress.
- Full monty or underwear?
- Full monty.
Hold it!
Hands up I
who's giggling?
Captain Tomu, I command you
to join your comrades.
Captain Tomu, do you hear me?
General, if you touch me,
I'll blow my brains out.
Captain Tomu, this is an order!
I won't allow anyone to! Ever!
No way...
I give you my word of honor,
I did not take the stamp.
I request that my word be enough.
Get his hands...
Immobilize him!
Give me the key, please.
Get him!
Hold his arms.
Traitor!
General...
General!
Get down you scoundrel,
I'll teach you a lesson.
I'll show you scoundrel!
Just wait and I'll show you!
That yes!
I accept,
but shoot me straight in the heart.
Go away or I'll shoot you all.
Did you hear me? Get lost!
Shoot... shoot!
- I'll shoot...
- Shoot!
- I'll shoot!
- Shoot!
- I'll shoot you!
- It's been found...
It's been found...
A soldier put a bowl
on top of the stamp...
the stamp got stuck to the bowl...
it almost got scalded in the leach pot
where they wash the dishes...
A soldier put a bowl
on top of the stamp...
the stamp got stuck to the bowl...
it almost got scalded in the leach pot
where they wash the dishes...
A soldier put a bowl
on top of the stamp...
the stamp got stuck to the bowl...
it almost got scalded in the leach pot
where they wash the dishes...
General...
General!
General!
General...
Forgive me.
Forgive me...
Please forgive me...
Forgive me...
Please forgive me...
Forgive me...
Let's toast some champagne.
Come, everybody.
Come on, set the tables.
The chairs. Get the chairs.
Open the champagne. The glasses.
Get glasses to the table.
Get chairs. Come here. Good.
Give him the chair.
Sit down, please!
Sit down! Sit down, please!
Officers...
Let's drink captain Tomu's health.
Captain Tomu, thank you!
You taught us a lesson
none of us will ever forget.
Captain Tomu.
- Bravo Tomu!
- Bravo!
- General, I do not deserve the honor.
- Don't be so modest, boy.
What I have insulted for a stupid
piece of paper, an officer's honor,
you have lifted up
again at the risk of your life.
General, that is not true, and I
will not deceive you a moment longer.
I had another reason
to resist the search.
Do not deceive yourself.
You keep, and let us keep
the unspoiled memory of your deed,
maybe the only dignified one
of all we do here.
General, I cannot.
My honor compels me to tell you...
Before giving you
the real explanation,
I waited for the foreign guests
to leave.
It's good for them to pass on a nice
image of their Romanian allies,
an unspoiled image of our pride
which in truth is no longer there.
Why lie now?
The truth is I, too, would have
allowed myself to be searched,
like all my other comrades,
which I won't humiliate any longer,
but for one terrible obstacle.
What?
- You had an identical stamp on you?
- As you can see!
I got it from my mother,
an old Moldavian boyar.
She gave it to me
for good luck on the battlefield!
To save me from death...
What can I say?
Imagine, had I allowed even
a summary search to be conducted...
Why didn't you say you had a similar
stamp when I ordered the search?
Too late.
And what if the lost stamp
had not been found?
So why didn't you show it to us when
the major pulled out the aurochs head '?
It would have been childish.
For me, mine was not a paper stamp
to brag about and compete with.
Mine was - and no longer is -
a talisman of a whole different value.
If I could have, I'd have kept it
hidden in my heart.
Exhibiting it pained me
as a deowering would.
This amazing meeting of two
aurochs heads in the middle of nowhere,
I wanted to shun it as a fatality.
I hid mine away from the beginning,
as a holy memory.
The other one was bloody goods.
The confrontation was ignoble.
I was unable to avoid it.
Fate made it happen!
Why show it to us now?
So you won't believe I think myself
to be better than you all,
my brothers in arms.
We are a band of cowards, gentlemen,
and we should all blow our brains out
in this classroom
where children learn how to read.
And now, forgive me, General,
for disappointing you,
and allow me to withdraw.
I need to make contact
with the wilderness
- as Alceste said in The Misanthrope.
Tenium non datur (meaning "there is no third possibility").
Bravo, Nastasia Filipovna.
I want Romania to have the population
of China and the destiny of France!
Bravo!
No... No, please...
It's ok... You shouldn't...
Do you want a hare?
Come on, I'll get you a hare.
SubRip & Adaptare: HighCode