- How much is a hamburger and a coffee?
- 45 pence.
45 pence...
- 45?
- 45, yes.
See you the morra.
Say you and your Spanish eyes
will wait for me...
Oh, you and your Spanish eyes
Will wait for me
Yes, you and your Spanish eyes
Will wait for me...
You've got to make the most
of what life offers you.
Life isn't meant to be easy.
Not for anybody.
OK, some of us may start out
with more than others.
More... advantages, you might say.
That's not the main item.
It's basically every man for himself.
Take the two of us, for instance.
What did we start with?
What did we do with ourselves?
For a start, there's my 'O' levels.
Two!
Ah! Now, there's a fair advantage
you might say, eh?
But I worked for them.
You see,
that's what you and I have in common.
Not the 'O' levels, no.
The advantages, eh?
You know, the little supports
that help us along life's weary way.
Let's face facts, Earl.
We've had our fair share of advantages.
Like, for instance,
you had a nice, warm country,
money, a big house,
girls, a big horse.
Aye. And I bet you ate
a lot of nice curries up at that...
Kandahar, eh?
Nicely done, Earl.
Oh, wait a minute here.
I don't see too many 'O' levels there,
Earl old son.
How did you do it?
And why the bloody hell
don't I have a job?
Oi!
Go on your bike! I'm trying
to sleep here. Come on, clear off!
Go on!
...PX-135 conversion
for the quadraphonic speakers.
You've got the wattage meters
built in at the start.
- How much is that?
- Including the pre-amp, that'd be 740.
- What about the FM tuner with...
- Automatic phase tracker?
- Aye, automatic phase tracker.
- Another 460.
You've got the basics
for a first-rate system.
- Eh?
- The basics.
Oh, the basics.
If you took the Elite speakers, I could
give you the lot for, say, 1,080?
- Have you got a cigarette?
- Aye, certainly.
You're tempting me,
but I want tae think about it.
- About that automatic...
- Phase tracker?
Aye, phase tracker.
I'll pop in on Friday and let you know.
Thanks a lot. That piss-taker,
I mean phase tracker is magic.
Aye, my dad only needs it on Saturday,
so it's mine all week.
- I've got to buy my own petrol.
- Really?
Aye, it's 20 miles
to the gallon in town.
- That's tough.
- Are you working yet...?
- That's tough, too.
- Well, things are tough all over.
Aye. I have to scoot now. See you!
Oh, come on!
- Where are you going?
- I'm going for a walk. See you later.
- I'll get it fixed in a minute.
- It's no' that...
- I'll no' be a minute.
- See you later, Ronnie.
The rain's definitely goin' off, eh?
It sure is.
A good shower
really cleans the place up.
It makes the world sparkle.
It sure does.
Did you have a good day?
- Very enjoyable.
- Same here. Very, very enjoyable.
Me, too. In the park mostly.
It's miserable, isn't it?
Yeah.
I tried to kill myself today.
Just after you left, Wal.
I took a mouthful of Corn Flakes
and milk and held my nose shut.
I tried to drown myself
in Corn Flakes and milk!
No, if you want to kill yourself,
what you dae is,
you stand somewhere wet,
get yourself a good earth,
then plug yourself into the mains.
That's what I was gonnae dae.
Woof!
No, I think the best way
is out a window.
Really high up.
Hit the ground at 120 mile an hour.
I was gonnae try that up
at the high flats, but the lifts were stuck.
Couldnae be bothered climbing
400 stairs.
Christ, you'd be fit for nothing
by the time you got to the top!
There's got to be more to life
than committing suicide.
There's got to be something.
There's got to be some way out.
I think the rain's gone off, eh?
Oh, beat it, eh?
Are youse comin' down the road then?
- Are youse goin'?
- Aye, come on.
Hey! Do you no' think it's time you traded
that in for something wi' wheels?
I'm sorry I had to drag youse all out on
such a cold night, but now we're all here,
well, Ronnie wants to say something.
I've got a lot to say, boys, but I've just
got one key word to say first of all.
Sink.
No, no.
Get up. Let me put it another way, eh?
We are sittin' on a gold mine.
Or should I say a steel mine?
A stainless steel mine!
Look, what's this area famous for?
What's it well known for?
Drunks.
Muggers.
- Multiple social deprivation!
- Sinks!
Stainless steel sinks.
Hundreds of them
up at Martin's warehouse.
- Sinks worth a fortune.
- You mean where I used tae work?
Aye, we mean where you used tae work.
The sinks come at 60 quid apiece.
An hour in there and we could shift 80,
maybe 90 into a van.
60 times 90? Hey, that's over 100 quid!
- Where will we get a van?
- Vic's mate's a van boy.
He's gonnae get it fixed up wi' him.
Any Corn Flakes?
No. Sugar Puffs...?
Hey, we need a modus exper...
Eh, a modul oper...
Och, you mean a modus operandi?
No, we need a way tae get in!
- Wal, put your shoes on.
- Aye.
Decoys. Two guys dressed up as cleaning
ladies to take care of the night-watchman.
You know, we can get wigs
and make-up, a dress.
I'll be one of them.
Good idea, Vic.
We need some inside information.
Alec, where did you say you worked
before you got the sack?
The accounts department.
It was unfair dismissal! It's no' my fault
I'm no' a walking computer.
OK, men, back to work. Keep thinking.
This job's gonnae be perfect.
It's gonnae be a work of art.
We're gonnae be rich.
But we still need some more guys, though.
Vic, get the van fixed up, right?
- Are you sure you've nae Corn Flakes?
- No.
Alec, remember anything you can
about the layout.
Doors, windows, anything. Draw a plan.
Wal, check the night-watchman.
See where he spends the night.
Check out his routine.
What else do we need?
Four or five more people
with skill, courage and determination.
- Morning rolls?
- Ten dozen.
- Jam sponges?
- No.
- Bridies?
- No.
- Pancakes?
- No.
- Coffee buns?
- A dozen.
- Paris buns?
- No.
- Small Alberts?
- No.
- Chocolate doughnuts?
- A dozen.
- Iced doughnuts?
- No.
- Sugar doughnuts?
- No.
- Apple turnovers?
- A dozen.
- Madeira cake?
- No.
Angel cake...?
- Ginger slabs?
- No.
- Albert slabs?
- Dozen.
- What's wrang?
- I've got something to tell you, Bobby.
We cannae talk here.
We'll go somewhere quiet.
- I cannae leave the shop.
- Just a couple of minutes. That's all.
- Sultana cake?
- No.
- Cream cookies?
- No.
- Apple slab?
- Two.
You've got a van.
Well, what do you think?
Well?
Sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Oh, fuck.
- Small trifles?
- No.
- Large trifles?
- No.
It's a big job.
Local...
High-class goods.
Fool-proof entry.
We want a look-out.
Plus someone that can handle alarms.
Oh, for God's sake,
it's like a public park here!
Come on, let's get somewhere quieter.
Shoo!
It's magic, this place, in the summer.
So, a good alarm man is what we need.
One circuit does the whole place,
as far as we know,
then one, maybe two good look-outs,
you know?
One on the inside
and one outside on the road.
We want people
with skill, courage and determination.
What's up?
It's quite choppy today, isn't it?
I'm sorry to be a bother, Ronnie,
but I'm just not a very good sailor.
I'm very keen on the job, though.
It sounds fine.
I'd be fine if I was sick.
Come in, number seven, your time's up!
Keep away fae thae swans. They're evil.
They can break your arms
with their muzzles.
- Beaks.
- Aye, beaks. Ducks aren't so vicious.
- Hey, where's New York?
- 3,000 miles that way.
- Where's Australia?
- 12,000 miles that way.
- Where's China?
- 5,000 miles that way.
Ask me the capital of Ethiopia.
OK, what's the capital of Ethiopia?
Addis Ababa.
- What's six and eight?
- 14.
Rubbish! Naewhere near it.
- Aye, it is.
- You're miles off it.
- No, I'm not.
- It's naewhere near 14.
Hey!
One of us should talk tae Simmy
and gie him the details.
Tell him about the key
for the warehouse door.
- And the signal to get the gate open.
- Tell him to get the door down quick.
Right. Where will he be?
Up at the Arts Centre.
He looks after the bees.
That's ideal for secret discussions.
It's up on the roof.
It's a good, quiet place to talk.
- Right.
- Right.
All things bright and beautiful...
- Who was that masked man?
- Search me.
Come on. Yeah, come on.
Come on. Sit doon.
Coochie, coochie, coochie...
Coochie, coochie, coochie coo.
Coochie, coochie, coochie coo.
I've got the plan.
If I go get the key for the watchman,
we'll pass it on to the guy
on the inside, the little guy.
He'll go to the back gate
and tap out the signal. Three taps.
The van goes in, the gate
comes down again. Really quick.
Ronnie'll show you the stuff to take.
Just the sinks, nothing else.
What are you daein' here?
What are you daein' here, you mug?
I came to tell Simmy
what you've been sayin'.
I forgot about the two taps.
It's a good job you remembered.
Aye.
It's good to have you with us.
It's a big job, but it's simple
and that's the beauty of it.
We're all going to be rich.
Have you finished with this roll here?
Big, big money.
Capital for anything you want.
I'm going to make you rich. Come on.
Two coffees and a roll and sausage,
wasn't it?
- Yeah.
- 57 pence, please.
I wonder if you could take care
of the coffees?
Look, I've left my wallet
in my other jacket pocket.
I'll square you up later. I'm sorry.
You're a screwball!
Big money, eh?
Lots of capital, do what you want!
- You cannae even buy me a coffee?
- I'm sorry.
How do you expect to do a robbery and
you can't even buy me a cup of coffee?
That's what we're daein' it for.
We've nae money just noo!
Can't do a robbery without money!
I'm in the gang two minutes,
two minutes and I'm losing already!
OK, lads,
can I have your attention, please?
Come on, a wee bit of hush, attention!
Will you shut up
and give me your attention?
Down...
Will you shut up!
Right, lads,
the boss wants a word with you.
Thanks.
I'd just like to say you're doing
a great job. Keep up the good work.
Thanks.
What does it do?
It puts the alarm system
out of action completely.
How does it work?
You find the main fuse box
inside the warehouse.
- Yeah.
- Locate the fuse for the alarm circuit.
- Yeah.
- Then you throw this box at it.
- It should knock it tae fuck!
- Yeah.
Hey, what does that dae?
It puts the alarm system
out of action completely.
Head up. Swing your arm.
- Wal, stop muckin' about.
- I'm no' muckin' about!
- Aye, you are.
- I'm no'!
We've got dresses to try on and make-up.
I'm tryin' my best!
- What else have we got to do?
- Have you got the clothes?
- Aye. You?
- Aye.
- Everything ready?
- Aye.
But... how do you become a girl?
Convince yourself first
before anything else.
- Tell yourself you're a girl.
- How?
- 'I'm a girl.' Say it.
- I'm a girl.
- That's it. Try, Wal. It helps.
- I'm a girl.
I'm a girl. I'm a girl.
- Wal, try it.
- No, I'm no' sayin' that.
- Wal!
- No!
- I'm a girl.
- You're an eejit!
I'm a girl. I'm a girl.
- You like this, don't you?
- No... Aye, I'm a girl. I'm a girl.
- Try it.
- No!
I'm a girl. I'm a girl.
- Wal, try it.
- No!
Oh, no.
It's a three-week high-protein diet.
It was in last week's Vanity Fair.
Is anything worrying you just now?
Are you quite happy?
Well, there was one or two things
I wanted to talk to you about.
Would you wear a brown skirt
with a red top,
say, a really deep red, kind of maroon
with maybe grey tights?
Vic, what's wrong with you?
Aye, right, brown tights.
It needs to be brown tights. Brown tights.
What's up?
Look, Mary, it's good.
It'll bring us closer together.
We'll be able to share things,
talk about the same things,
make-up and frocks.
- We can be real buddies.
- I've got girlfriends for that!
It's meant to be different with you.
Look, I know what I'm doing.
It's gonnae work out fine.
Tell me. Talk to me about it.
I'm just interested in girls.
I mean, I like them.
You don't have to BE one!
Of course not. I'm a boy.
I'm a boy. I'm a boy!
- I want my lipstick back.
- Eh?
The one you took from my bag last night
when we were saying 'good night'.
I'm still a good kisser, eh?
- What's goin' on, Vic? Eh?
- I'll tell you soon.
- Tell me now!
- Soon!
What do you fancy?
I've set my heart on ten days
in Barbados.
Very nice.
It's a four-star hotel,
full board, return flight for, eh...
...just over four sinks. It's no' bad.
Ah, but look,
if you put in an extra sink,
you can get the African safari
with five nights in Nairobi.
I don't know.
It's awful difficult to choose.
Here, what are you gonnae dae
wi' your sinks?
I've got my eye on a lovely, wee CSL.
- Oh.
- A guitar, you know?
- An amplifier box.
- Mm-hm.
A wah-wah pedal, you know? Wah-wah!
I've even got the plectrum.
Show me.
Aye, very good.
Huh! Give us a tune.
Da-na-na, dan-dan-dan
I don't want a holiday in the sun
I wanna go to the new Belsen...
I'm a boy. I'm a boy.
I'm a boy!
Does it involve other boys?
No, of course not.
It's just me.
How's Vicky?
I've got my sister's shoes.
She won't miss them at the weekend.
Not now, Alec. Later.
But it's about the brassiere.
I could only get a 36B.
There's hunners o' room in the straps.
It'll fit you OK.
Have you got the lipstick for Wal?
You said you'd get it for him.
He cannae get lipstick.
You said you'd get it.
You away, Mary?
What about thae tights?
Did you get the red ones?
- What about the van?
- Bobby's fine.
Two days' notice is all he needs.
Everything's worked out.
15th floor. Be here in a minute.
What's he gonnae do?
His driver always has tea from a flask.
He'll put something in it, knock him out.
- The van's his.
- What's he gonnae knock...
How are you, boys?
What's he gonnae knock him out with?
Chemicals. A special mixture.
Bobby knows what he's doing.
Don't worry. It's guaranteed.
Is the van driver guaranteed
to wake up again?
Aye, Bobby knows the score.
Two days' notice he wants?
That makes it Wednesday night.
OK, tell the boys
we hit Martin's on Wednesday night.
All right then?
Wednesday.
Tuesday.
- Wednesday.
- Are you sure?
Wednesday, Wednesday!
- Buy me a coffee, Simmy?
- Wed... en... sday!
It's Wednesday.
Pay attention, lads. We've got to know
all these signals for the big night.
Number one,
two arms waved across the chest
is the signal for 'start loading'.
Start loading!
Start loading.
I'll dae it again. Start loading.
Start loading.
So it's start loading?
We'll dae it again.
Start loading!
We're makin' good time today, Bob.
Only two drops to do.
Should be finished pretty sharp.
I'll sleep like a log tonight.
- What are you up to yourself?
- Wednesday?
- I've got my night school tonight.
- What are you learning?
- Chemistry.
- Oh, just the man.
Can you do love potions?
Maybe.
Could you do one for my wife?
Maybe.
Could you make her run away
wi' somebody else?
Hey!
Ronnie!
Ronnie!
Ronnie! Ronnie! Ronnie!
Ronnie! Ronnie!
Ronnie! Ronnie! It's me!
Don't jump! It's only me!
Davy, ya bastard, ye!
Are you tryin' tae kill me?
Come on.
Aye, come on.
I'm sorry if I gave you
a fright there, Ronnie.
It's an automatic reaction.
It comes with the training.
That's OK.
I can appreciate that.
Oh!
You've obviously got
the reactions of a tiger.
Oh, gee...
How are you? I havenae seen you
since we left school.
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
You've grown a bit.
You used to be about...
I just sprouted in the past year.
Are you still playin' the violin?
No.
Are you workin' yourself?
No!
How's the gang?
What gang? I don't know any gangs.
If you're looking for a gang guy,
you've got the wrang guy.
I don't know any gangs, honest!
The boys!
- The boys?
- Aye, Simmy.
- Simmy?
- And Vic.
- Vic?
- And Wal.
Is he still up to his daft, old tricks?
Remember the time he wanted us
to break into Aldo's cafe
and steal all
his cheese and onion crisps?
That Wal's a bad yin
and he always has been.
No, we were just boys. Daft boys.
Do you want to see my whistle?
Aye.
Name, laddie.
This is my notebook.
Name!
Ronnie Munro.
No... fixed... abode.
That's Glasgow G40, isn't it?
Glasgow G40.
I know you're not a bad lad.
Yeah...
Just mixin' with the wrong crowd.
That's all.
Do yourself a favour.
Come on, take them off.
Christ, Ronnie,
I seem to have lost the key!
Eh, look, you'd better come down
to the station to get a spare.
Tango 81 to base. Tango 81...
Please repeat.
That's two pound of sugar
and one pint of milk.
Right, over and out.
Look, relax.
See when they snapped shut?
I could see my whole life flash
before my eyes. It was horrible, Wal.
Och, you're safe now.
I mean, look.
The rain's goin' aff as well.
We might get a good night for it.
Are you no' excited?
I mean, it's been hard work.
Yeah, everybody's been great.
I'm sorry
it's all going to be over so soon.
If it works, you can do it again.
- Another job?
- Why not? You might have a flair for it.
Naw.
I think I'll just retire
on my ill-gotten drains.
Hey, cheers anyway. Eh?
I have to go.
Still got my hair to do.
Hey, stay cool, eh? I'll see you later.
Give us a cup of tea, will you, Bob?
Don't you want to stop
and have it properly?
Nah, keep going and get finished early.
Have it your way.
Thanks.
- Everything OK?
- Fine.
What's that?
It's the driver.
I couldn't just dump him.
Do we have to take him all over with us?
- How long's he gonnae be out for?
- I don't know.
It's the first time I've tried it
on a human.
What did you try it on before?
A mouse.
How long was it out for?
Four month...
but it woke up in perfect health.
- Jesus! Four months?!
- Get the boys in or we're gonnae be late.
- Ronnie, who's the stiff?
- Get in!
Aw, look at your hair. What a mess!
- It was the rain!
- Shove on a scarf!
- Where's the wee man?
- Here.
Come on.
You really are a sight.
Let me do the talkin'.
Don't throw yourself at him.
We'll play hard to get for the first
half hour, then we'll play it by ear.
Where did you get that awful brooch?
Good evening, ladies.
You probably think
we're a pair of silly girls,
but is this Abernathy's factory?
We're supposed to clean the offices,
but we can't seem to find the place.
- Silly girls that we are.
- Nah, you're a long way frae Abernathy's.
- A fair bit aff your track.
- It's our first night, too.
What will we do?
Well, you just sit down here
and have a nice cup of tea.
You can phone the man
and don't you worry
your pretty little head about it, OK?
What do you think, Marion, dear?
Will we stay here with the nice... man?
Excuse me. Is there a wee girls' room
where I could fix my make-up?
Aye, it's right across the corridor.
And... take your time.
'Mmm, I love you, I love you.'
A sweet thing like you
won't need any sugar, eh?
Do you want to go to the wee boys' room?
Don't you catch cold, mind. The key's...
The key's in the lavatory pan upstairs.
Key's in the pan. Key's in the pan...
Key's in the pan. Key's in the pan.
Key's in the pan. Key's in the pan.
The key's in the... pan.
What the hell's going on in there?
We're 10 minutes behind already.
- Relax.
- Relax?!
Maybe you'd give me a wee something
to put me oot for a couple of centuries.
Eh, Doctor?!
Sorry, wee hold up.
There's loads of pans.
Hey, Andy, your sister will kill you
if you get a hole in they tights.
- You did say it was a robbery.
- Watch you don't go too fast.
They're run-resistant.
You'll break a leg.
Let's get back to work, eh? Steel sinks,
kitchen-size. That's all we want.
- Alec, what floor are the sinks on?
- Eh, the second floor.
Aw! THIRD floor! Come on.
This is the place, lads.
Let's get tae work.
Aww, she's a shy one, eh?
I like the shy ones.
I wonder where that wee rascal's got to.
I better go and find him.
He sometimes has trouble with his zip.
Takes after his father. Byesie-bye!
What are you doing?
I'm having trouble with this bastard,
missus.
Now you're wet in front of your ears
as well, ya choob!
- How much is one of these?
- Forty quid.
For that price,
you'd think you'd get a new one.
Put it back.
Gie's a break, Ronnie.
It's my mother's birthday.
You know the rules... these things
are too easily traced. Now put it back.
Do you know where there's a toilet?
Alang the corridor, turn to your right,
it's third on the left.
...and a-prancing
Commence the dancing and the prancing
Dub-eddy-dum
Commence a-prancing
And a-dancing...
Oo-do-be-do-be-do
Bom bom, dub-eddy-dum
Commence a-prancing and a-dancing
Oo-doodly-do
A-dancing and a-prancing
Doo-doo, de-do, doo-doo
De-doooo, de-doodly-do...
De-doodly-do, de-doodly-do
De-doodly-doooo, de-doodly-do
A-dancing and a-prancing
De-do-do-do
De-dooo-de-doodly-do...
- How's the watchman?
- OK. Wal's taking care of him.
Want a wee somethin' tae put in his tea?
Naw, no thanks, Bob. We can handle it.
Here, puss... Here, puss, puss, puss.
Puss...
What are you doin' after the robbery?
Haud on! I'm a boy. You know, I'm a boy!
No, I know that. Em, it's just...
You doin' any jobs? Any more robberies?
Anything like that?
Not really thought about it, you know.
You know, we'd make a good team.
You've got style.
Oh, do you think so? Not too showy?
No, no, not at all. Not at all.
There ye are. Have a read.
Go up and tell them that's enough.
We're pulling out in four minutes.
Check the street. Give us the all-clear
in three and a half minutes.
- Sure.
- Vic...
Vic! Get yourself and Wal outside.
We'll pick you up on the corner
in seven minutes.
I'm just getting rid of footprints.
'C'mon, Alec. Time to go home.
Coo-ee! Can a girl come in?
Now, now, Marion, dear. It's time we let
this nice man get back to his work.
Thanks for all your help, sir.
Aw, it's been a great pleasure, ladies.
You two mind and take care
of yourselves.
There's a lot of hoodlums oot there
that just don't have any respect
for a lady.
- So take care.
- Thank you.
Well done, wee man.
Ho ho! Barbados, here I come!
Ha-hey!
First floor.
Sinks and ladies' underwear.
Thank you.
I don't know what the place
is coming to.
They actually got a helicopter on
Martin's roof and lifted the sinks away.
The mind boggles!
Know what I'm gonnae dae?
Go hame and tell Bobby
to get a padlock on the bathroom door.
Well, not a bad night's
work, eh, fellas?
93 stainless steel sinks.
And our very own snoring zombie.
Don't scoff, smart arse!
He's worth a lot more than your sinks.
That's a scientific curiosity. I could get
200 for him up at the university.
Oh, aye? What do you propose?
Wheel him to the front door
and ask for the cashier?
You're a maniac.
- You're a psychopath.
- I'm no'! I'm a scientist!
That's suspended animation.
Folk have been trying for ages to do that.
You could send him through space,
to Saturn, Mars, even Jupiter.
Short of van drivers on Jupiter,
are they, eh?
You see problems everywhere.
A scientific breakthrough's staring you
in the face!
What about the sinks, Ronnie?
When do we get the money?
They're too hot
to put on the market just now.
We're just as well keeping them here.
- But if anybody has any bright ideas...
- What bright ideas have you got?
What's the big plan now?
Hey...
- Going back to what you said about...
- What about it?
How much would we get for his kidneys?
Shut up!
- He stays in one piece.
- That was a fair question.
The kidney market's in a very healthy
state. Kidneys flying all over the world.
But for once I agree with you, Ronnie.
We'll keep him in one piece.
He's easier to carry that way as well.
What aboot the money?
That's what we did it for.
- I want tae book my holiday.
- Where are you goin'?
A wee place on the east coast.
I saw it on the map. Grangemouth.
- Fancy coming?
- Er, no, thanks. Maybe next year, eh?
There's a simple way...
There's a simple way to do it, Ronnie.
Offload the sinks and split the money
or split the sinks, right now,
and it's every man for himself. Lads?
Stop asking people tae make decisions!
Troublemaker!
Ronnie, I'll take my sinks and call it
a day. How many does it work out at?
OK, but they don't leave here
until after the weekend.
Give things a chance to cool down.
It works out at eight sinks each.
That'll leave some for...
Most disappointing show,
would you not say? Very boring, really.
But this... this interests me.
I'm here to see a man.
He's interested in buying them.
Really? He must know a thing or two
about the most recent developments
in the New York School.
- This is a very, very good piece.
- He'll be along just now.
You're not the artist? You are?
You're responsible for this?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Did you bring it here to install it?
I just brought it to install it. A fella
was interested, but he hasn't turned up.
- It's not yet part of the show?
- No, it isn't. It's mine.
- Nothing to do with the gallery?
- No, no, no. It's mine.
This is perfect for the exhibition
I'm planning about metal sculpture.
I'm buying all the work for the show
and I'd love to buy this. How much is it?
- You're interested in buying it?
- I am. How much?
Well, the sinks come about
60 quid apiece.
I could let you have the four
for... 200.
That's ridiculously cheap!
I could fling in some taps,
you could make it 250.
No, I accept it as a work of art.
I know exactly what you're getting at.
It's extraordinary.
What do you call it? What's the name?
- Well, just... Sink.
- Sink?
Well, I'm happy to buy Sink for...200?
- Yes.
- Do you mind actually? It's my lucky day.
It's absolutely as it should be.
- Tell me... Sorry, what's your name?
- Cash.
- Sorry?
- M Cash.
M Cash. How appropriate.
Well, Mr Cash, here you are.
M Cash, Esquire.
200.
- There we are. Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
'Tango Control to all mobiles.
We have another missing bread van.
'Colour: white. Contents: four dozen pies,
eight dozen morning rolls,
'two dozen small trifles, three dozen
large trifles, one dozen apple turnovers,
'three dozen iced doughnuts,
no chocolate doughnuts.
'Repeat: no chocolate doughnuts.'
Come on, ya stubborn bastard!
I'll break it
and re-set it up your back!
- Now, now, Doctor.
- How's the other one?
It's still the same.
We've got the computer read-out
on his biorhythmic electro-magnetic
brainwave sleep pattern, Doctor.
- Quite interesting reading.
- What's the score?
According to the analysis
of the normal sleep pattern,
he's scheduled to wake up
in the year... 2068.
- Without ageing a single day.
- He'll wake up and want his breakfast.
Carrying the hopes,
the dreams, the fears of all of us
into the next century!
The sink, Doctor. Don't forget,
he'll be carrying that, too.
There's so much more
we could be telling them! Giving them!
All they're going to get
is a bloody sink!
When he wakes up,
he'll be a billionaire.
- He's due 80 years of Sick Benefit.
- With compound interest!
Plus 40 years of Old Age Pension.
He'll be worth a fortune.
Just think... waking up to start
a new life in the Glasgow of 2068.
The ring road will be finished!
Partick Thistle in the European Cup!
The SDA will have started a facelift
in Bearsden... trees everywhere!
And medicine...
just think of the progress.
Everybody in Paisley will be able
to have a brain transplant.
Yeah...
He's going to wake up
to one hell of a city!
Hey!
Wait a minute! He can piss off!
Get a rocket to Australia.
Be there in an hour!
He'll no' have to stay here!
- When's he going to shut up?
- Don't worry. It'll be over in 80 years.
A bloody miracle, eh?
I know. I've heard of water intae wine,
but sinks intae doughnuts?!
Fantastic!
Well, wait a minute.
If sinks turn into doughnuts,
what happened tae the driver?
It's no' him. It's no' snoring!
Listen, lads,
I've got something important to say.
I've been thinking. You know that Irn-Bru
factory up the road up at the cross?
It's a natural for a hit.
- Naw...
- Look, the summer's coming in.
Hundreds of thirsty people.
We can make a fortune!
We can get rid of the guard dogs with
Bobby's chemicals in the kennel meat.
It's only a 20-foot fence. All we need is
a couple of ropes. No, rope ladders.
That's the thing. Rope ladders.
All we dae is connect one end
of the hose
into the main pump inside the factory.
That's all inside. And the other end
tae oor tanker ootside. That's all.
20,000 gallons of Irn-Bru?
Hey, that's no' to be sniffed at.
We could take the stuff down the coast,
sell it on the beaches.
- Magic!
- We could drive it to Spain!