1
(ROCK OF AGES PLAYING)
All right
l got something to say
Yeah
It's better to burn out
Yeah
Than fade away
All right
Ow
Terrific.
Gonna start a fire
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Come on
What's up, numb-nuts?
Read 'em and weep.
Van Halen at the Centrum.
Third row!
You should take
Jolene, man.
I heard
she got big nipples.
This is
Van freakin' Halen, man.
Get serious.
Besides, I'm just not
into girls anymore.
Dude, I'm into guys, too!
No, no, no, no, no.
That's not what I meant.
I'm into women.
(I WAS MADE FOR
LOVING YOU PLAYING)
Yeah
Hey, Mary.
I got two tickets to
Van Halen this weekend.
What time should I
pick you up?
It is Miss McGarricle, Donny.
And that's cute,
but I am your teacher,
not your girlfriend.
Whoa, Miss McGarricle,
who said anything
about girlfriends?
Let's just start
with a summer fling,
couple of hand jobs,
no expectations.
Don't get all psycho
on me right away.
That is a month's
detention.
What's a hand job?
I don't know,
but I think I want one.
Can I go to
the bathroom?
No. No talking in
detention, Mr. Berger.
All right,
I'm sorry for what I did.
I promise
I won't do it again.
You're in a lot
of trouble, Donny.
Wait, you're not gonna
tell my dad, are you?
He'll kick my ass.
He. . . He's crazy.
What were you
trying to do, anyway?
Impress your friends?
Well, you know,
you're, um. . .
You have
a little crush on me?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No.
"No." So, you. . .
You don't want me.
No. Yeah.
I. . . I don't know
what I'm supposed to
say right now.
Is that gum
in your mouth, Donny?
Mmm.
You know,
I've been watching you
all year, Donny.
When you hit that shot
to beat Fairfield
and you were
jumping up and down
in your little Larry Bird
short-shorts
and sweating
like a jar of pickles
in the hot sun. . .
(SIGHS) Oh, God.
That was so hot.
Is this really happening?
This is happening.
It's happening
right now.
In my office.
Okay. Awesome.
So, I. . .
I'm totally in.
How do you
want to do it?
'Cause I made sex before,
lots of ways.
So you want to go
straight to hand jobs
or eating me out
or taking me from behind?
I'll teach you.
DONNY: (VOICE CRACKS)
I'm a virgin.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God !
(AND THE CRADLE
WILL ROCK PLAYING)
Ow
Oh, yeah
You know
Oh
(READING IN HEBREW)
Well, they say
it's kind of frightening
How this younger
generation swings
You know it's more
than just...
Who? Me?
Well, the kid
is into losing sleep
And he don't come home
for half the week
You know it's more than
just an aggravation
And the cradle will rock
Hey, Donny,
what'd you get?
Cradle will rock
And l say rock on
And if I'm elected
eighth grade
class president,
I promise to. . .
MARY: (GASPING)
You're getting
so good at this!
I promise to do my best
to lower prices at the
school stores and, um. . .
MARY: All of our practice
is really paying off!
(MARY MOANING)
I like the sound of that.
(MARY MOANING)
(RHYTHMIC BANGING)
Timmy, stop.
Hold on a second.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
My dad's gonna
kick my ass.
(CHEERING)
Calm down !
(WILD CHEERING)
AUDIENCE: (CHANTING)
Donny! Donny!
Donny! Donny!
Who's the man?
Donny! Donny!
Donny! Donny!
Yeah ! You want some of me?
Who's the man?
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
JUDGE:
All right, everybody!
(GAVEL BANGING)
Enough !
I am aware that
a lot of people think
that this young man
is not really a victim,
but someone that's living
the ultimate
teenage boy's fantasy.
Absolutely.
(GALLERY MURMURS)
JUDGE: But. . .
(GAVEL BANGING)
. . .this is
a serious crime.
Mary Beth McGarricle,
rise for sentencing.
(GALLERY GASPS)
(MURMURS)
JUDGE: The fact that
this relationship
has resulted in
a pregnancy and you show
absolutely no remorse,
saying, and I quote,
"I would fuck that kid
again and again.
"He makes me feel like
there's a rainbow
"coming out
of my beaver. . ."
(GALLERY MURMURS)
. . .leaves me
absolutely no choice
but to levy
the maximum penalty.
Thirty years
in the Massachusetts
Women's Penitentiary.
And furthermore,
the court grants custody
of the unborn child to
Donald Berger's father. . .
Dumb-ass.
. . .until Donald turns 1 8,
at which time
he will assume
full custody.
(GALLERY MURMURS)
Take care of
our baby, Donny!
Miss McGarricle!
I'll never stop
loving you !
That is just
fucking mental.
(LlMELlGHT PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Living on a lighted stage
Approaches the unreal
For those who think
and feel
ln touch with some reality
(BABY COOS)
Beyond the gilded cage
The kid is young,
he's attractive,
he can probably keep
a hard-on longer than
this fucking guy.
Cast in
this unlikely role
lll-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers
Made you flinch,
pansy.
Go ahead!
l don't need you!
l'm Donny freakin' Berger!
l'm wicked famous
and l got a wicked
big schlong!
RADIO DJ 1 :
Hey, here's something.
Donny Berger's
back in the news.
RADIO DJ 2: That kid who
got his teacher pregnant?
Exactly.
Oh, I Iove that guy.
Seems Iike he bought
a round last night.
Okay.
For everybody
in Boston Garden.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God,
he's my hero.
That kid is burning
through that money,
but he's having
a good time doing it.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(OVER CAR STEREO)
The underlying theme
(MUSIC STOPS)
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
DONNY:
So, guy, how'd we do?
What them fuckers
at the IRS say?
Well, they said
a lot of stuff.
The thing that
really jumped out
was "three years in prison."
Three years?
Yeah, you haven't paid taxes
since '94, Donny.
What. . . I thought they were
taking it out automatically!
I told them
that's what you thought,
and they said
it's the stupidest thing
they ever heard.
But there is
some good news.
If you can pay
the balance off by
the end of the weekend,
they'll suspend
the sentence.
Oh, okay, there you go.
What are we talking about?
Hit me.
43,000.
43 grand?
No!
Come on, Donny!
Don't screw up
my Tom Brady poster.
It's my favorite one.
Look at that jawline.
Just the right amount
of scruff.
I'm sorry!
I'm just freaking out here!
I don't got 43 grand !
Well, look,
hey, good news.
Monday's Memorial Day,
so you don't need
to get the money
till Tuesday.
All right. That'll
give me time to sell
my diamond Lamborghini !
Hey, hey, hey!
You're killing me, man !
Don't mess
with the genius.
Jimmy, I got $28 to my name.
28, huh? Okay.
I got a hot tip
on a long shot that
just might come in.
What is it, a horse?
No.
This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy.
Fat guy?
Gonna run the marathon.
Odds on him winning
are 8,000-to-1 .
But this cat's
got wheels on him.
I think he's gonna win,
I really do.
All right, I'll put 20
on the fat fuck,
but I can't
count on that.
It's a long shot,
you said it yourself.
But what about your kid?
Maybe he can come up
with the dough.
We don't talk no more.
He kind of moved out
when he turned 1 8,
and, uh, that's
the last I seen of him.
What happened?
I don't know.
I loved that
little Han Solo
more than anything
in the world, too.
You named your kid
Han Solo?
Yes, sir.
Han Solo Berger?
Coolest name
in the world, right?
Why don't you
just Facebook him?
I can't afford that shit.
What am I, a billionaire?
I don't think he wants
to be found, anyways.
Especially by me.
Hey, look! It's us!
(SHRIEKING)
On the cover!
Don't we look great?
Yeah, well,
you look good.
I kind of look like
a ventriloquist.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know, it's still
kind of weird, right?
I mean, it's got our
faces and our names.
It just seems like
anyone could find us.
"Find us?" Honey,
did you take
your Xanax today?
Yeah, two.
I always double down
when your parents
are in town.
Do you have
your security undies?
Yep, right here.
Good.
I know that makes
you feel better.
There's stranger things
than walking around
with an extra
pair of underwear
for emergencies.
Look, just this once,
don't be so weird.
We're gonna have
the best wedding ever.
Okay.
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
DONNY: HoIy shit.
What the hell happened
to my Iife, ChampaIe?
Don, honey, no way to come
up with that money, huh?
No. The only thing
I'm good at is
being Donny Berger,
and no one wants to
pay for that anymore.
Aw, Donny.
Wow!
My face is your toilet!
Show some fucking respect
over there, Kenny.
Hey, whoa.
Hey, Mom, did you want
some breakfast after
you finish your dance?
Give it to me now, honey.
Donny doesn't mind,
do you, Donny?
Holy cow,
that's my son !
Who, Han Solo?
I thought you said
he was a fatty.
No, no, no.
He must have lost
the weight or something,
'cause I swear to God,
that's my boy.
It says,
"Todd Peterson to wed
Jamie Martin this Sunday
"at All Saints Church
on Cape Cod."
Todd Peterson?
He changed his name!
Why?
What was wrong
with Han Solo Berger?
It's the coolest fucking
name of all time.
"Peterson is
one of the youngest
"large-cap hedge fund
managers in
the financial industry."
Oh, he got rich
on us, huh?
"All the more impressive
considering he was orphaned
"at age nine
when both his parents
"died in
a horrific explosion."
He fucking blew me up
and his mother?
Donny, maybe your son could
help you, financially.
I don't know.
This kid changed his name.
He doesn't even want
to be a Berger anymore.
He's not gonna
want to talk to me.
That was the incomparable
ChampaIe.
(APPLAUSE)
And now, looking hot
and ignoring
doctor's orders,
let's welcome Amber.
(WOLF WHISTLES)
What the fuck
happened to her?
Fuck you, Kenny!
Hey, what's up,
RoboCop?
GERALD: This is
where your boss lives?
TODD: Oh, uh, it's actually
just his summer home.
GERALD: Summer home.
What a dick.
JAMIE: Dad !
Oh, my goodness.
Todd, it's just
breathtaking !
(LAUGHS) Hey!
There he is.
Hey, Mr. Spirou.
There's my golden boy.
(LAUGHS)
Come over here, champ.
Come on,
get over here.
Oh, oh.
Hi. Yeah.
Oh, look at you.
Look at you,
the lovely bride.
What a couple!
Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing
that you're letting us
all stay here.
Seriously,
thank you so much.
Steve, these are
my parents,
Gerald and Helen.
Oh, it's a pleasure.
Hi.
Your daughter's
a sweetheart.
You can tell
she likes Todd for Todd,
not because
he's gonna be rich.
I wouldn't want
my boy to end up
with some gold digger
like the last three whores
I married, huh?
(LAUGHTER)
True story.
All three? Whores.
(CHUCKLES)
Huh.
Well, guys, this weekend,
mi casa es su casa.
You know, every member
of my staff are lucky
to be in this country,
so feel free to abuse
the shit out of 'em.
(LAUGHS)
Go get the fucking bags!
Well, Mrs. Spirou,
I've always said that
if the finance game
was an amusement park,
your son would be
a roller coaster,
and I would just
ride him all day long.
(CHUCKLES)
That came out weird.
Yeah, well,
Stevie likes to think
that he's the star
of the family.
But before he was born,
I modeled a bathing suit
for a Woolworth
advertisement.
Well, you still have
quite a figure on you
there, Delores.
Yeah, I can see
where Steve got
his rocking bod.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, why, thank you.
JAMIE: Oh !
Chad's here!
Oh, my God.
Oh, hooray.
TODD: Fantastic.
(JAMIE CHUCKLES)
I. . . I guess they
didn't want to see it.
Yay, Chad !
(LAUGHS)
Come here.
Mom.
Oh, sweetheart.
I'm home.
Dad, how are you, sir?
You look great.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, Chad, I'm Todd.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God,
I missed you, sis.
That's a good hug.
(CHUCKLES)
Chad, this is
my fiance, Todd.
Pleasure to meet you,
Chadwick.
Are you a soldier?
Uh, no.
Sailor?
No.
Airman?
No.
Girl Scout?
No.
Well, then I'd prefer
if you take your fingers
away from your forehead
and you shake my hand
like the civilian
you are.
Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid.
I don't know why I did that.
Honest mistake. Come here,
I want to show you this.
(CHUCKLING) Look,
if you ever do anything
to hurt my sister, I will
take my government-issued
service revolver,
stick it straight up
your fuppin' poop chute,
and empty the clip.
Do you feel me?
Yes, I totally feel you. . .
Dawg.
(CHUCKLES)
Randy Jackson, right?
I've got 1 0 ways
to kill you with my
bare hands right now.
(CHUCKLES) Don't.
(CHUCKLES)
Don't.
Hi, sweetheart,
how are you?
Can I see Randall Morgan
possibly?
Yeah, you're gonna
need an appointment.
I knew you were
gonna say that.
Uh, but you know what?
Tell him Donny Berger's
out here.
He'll be pretty psyched
to see an old friend.
You know what? Mr. Morgan's
on vacation right now.
I'm sorry.
He's on vacation?
That son of a. . .
Oh, hey!
Vanilla Ice.
Randall's just
getting makeup.
Go ahead to the green room.
Vanilla, what's up, guy?
It's been a long time.
Uh, how you been?
Are you seriously giving me
the silent treatment still?
You know
that hurts me.
Yeah? Well, that's why
I'm giving it to you.
How's it feel, chump?
It's breaking my heart.
We were friends
for 20 years, guy.
We were friends
until you banged
my mother!
I didn't know it was her,
I swear to God !
It's not like her
last name is Ice.
You should've known
by the haircut!
Aw, come on,
Vanilla Bean Latte.
Will you just. . .
What?
I'm just saying,
I'm in big trouble, guy.
This, like,
monetary thing.
I, uh. . . I'm going to
prison if I don't
get 43 large, so. . .
What, do you think
I got that kind of money?
Of course you got
that kind of money.
Royalties from Ice Ice Baby,
you must be fucking loaded !
Man, listen,
Queen took 50%.
Suge took the other 60%.
I fucking owe money when
that shit gets played, man !
Dude, come on,
will you please stop,
collaborate and listen?
Oh, here. . .
What? No, I love that song.
You know that shit.
I was on top of that,
fucking day one.
Listen, man.
I work at a ice rink now.
I deep-fry
chicken nuggets, man.
I'll get you a deal on
a barbecue sauce packet.
Fucking A, buddy.
Both of us.
This sucks.
Broke. Who'd have thought
this would happen to us?
Maybe I should
call your mother.
She'll give me the money,
I know that.
What?
What? What?
What?
(PEOPLE GASP)
(GROANING)
Hey, dude.
Didn't spill my beer,
fucker.
(LAUGHS)
Fuck you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
Nobody comes in here
and starts busting up
my joint
unless I got
cameras rolling.
Look, Donny,
nobody remembers
what Tiger Woods did,
let alone something
that happened 25 years ago.
Oh, I'm telling you,
when I walk down
the street,
people are like,
"There's that guy!"
I'm still
fucking big, dude.
All right,
how about this?
I'm doing a show
on '80s train wrecks.
Maybe I slip you in
after that Milli Vanilli
guy, all right?
Who, Fab? He's a fucking
buddy of mine.
Yeah.
That would be huge, dude.
How much money?
Um. . . Maybe 400 bucks.
400 bucks?
Dude, I need 43 G-birds.
What are we talking
about right now?
RANDALL: (LAUGHING)
You need $43,000?
Are you back on drugs?
Yeah.
It's never. . .
This is never going
to happen. Never.
Little bit more blush
if you can.
Just like you did that, uh,
John Wayne Bobbitt in
his penis reunion show.
That's actually
a good idea, a reunion.
Me and Miss McGarricle,
together again,
live from
a women's prison.
A women's prison.
Very sexy.
Mmm-hmm.
We could shoot it
this weekend.
You could give me
the money.
Very sexy.
You know,
you could eat that ass
after I leave the room,
but I need
an answer right now.
What do you think?
What about your kid?
My kid?
What about my kid?
He. . . He's got to be
a walking Gong Show.
No. What are you
talking about?
He's doing great.
He's, like, a hot shit now.
He's getting married
down at the Cape
this weekend.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
"Horny teacher baby
makes good."
(SNIFFS)
Smell that?
Smell it, Donny?
What? That's not me.
She probably
cut the cheese.
No, no, no.
No, ratings.
(SNIFFS)
I smell ratings.
My kid is very
publicity-shy, so I. . .
You know, to be honest,
I don't think he'd do
a piece of shit show
like this.
All right,
here's the deal.
You get yourself
and your actual kid
up to the women's
prison this weekend,
I will shoot it,
I will give you
50 grand in cash.
'Cause I'm going to
guess, Donny,
you want to be
visiting a prison,
not living in one.
So, Todd, how
does one get into
the hedgehog
business anyway?
Oh, it's actually
hedge funds.
You think you're
better than me?
No.
JAMIE: Chad,
did you know
that Todd is really
great with numbers?
You got to see this.
Oh, Jamie, no.
Don't make. . .
What's 452 times 77?
Beep boop beep.
84,304.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Oh, he could just be
making that up.
No, he's not!
Ooh. There's a calculator
on my cell phone.
Okay.
What is 94. . .
times 31 2, Todd?
Beep boop boop boop beep.
29,328, Helen.
Freaky.
I don't know.
It's just something
I can do.
Are you sure you're
not a Chinaman?
TODD: Oh,
that's inappropriate.
White whore.
(CHUCKLES)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
JAMIE: Oh, I'll get it.
Oh, my God.
You must be Jamie.
You're, like, even hotter
than you looked in the paper.
(LAUGHS)
Look at your hair
blowing in the wind
like Tawny Kitaen
when she was fucking
dry-humping that car.
Okay.
And you must be. . .
Donny.
What's the matter?
Chubby never even
mentioned me?
Chubby?
Oh, I mean. . .
(MOCKING)
Todd Peterson.
Why do you
say it like that?
It just comes out
that way.
Where are
my manners, right?
Could you hold that?
Take a chug if you'd like.
I got you a fucking
great gift.
Here it is.
I'll take the brew back.
Just, you got to read it,
though. It's fucking. . .
Yeah !
(LAUGHS)
I don't know where they
come up with this shit,
but it's pretty
fucking funny.
Spencer's Gifts
never fucking fails me.
I want to meet Mr. Spencer
one day and say,
"Thanks, motherfucker,
for all the laughs."
Hey, I also made you
a mix tape.
Who the fuck is rich
in this house?
Jeezum, it's huge.
Uh, Todd,
your old man is here?
Wassup!
Oh !
(GASPS)
Helen, oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's. . .
Uh, let me just
get that for you.
Uh, uh,
that's, uh. . .
What? No.
Oh, sorry,
those are yours. I. . .
Donny, what. . .
what the fuck, man?
Sorry.
Uh, what. . .
what are you
doing here?
What do you mean?
I thought you said
your parents were dead.
Um, no, they are. . .
super dead.
He's hilarious.
(LAUGHS)
My old man.
My old man. . . friend.
From. . .
Wassup!
Right?
Well, aren't you
going to introduce us?
No.
Yes.
Yes. Here we go.
Uh, this is, uh,
my future father-in-law,
Gerald,
and his
lovely wife, Helen.
And Jamie's brother, Chad.
Hey-o!
Do not. . . That's. . .
(LAUGHTER)
What?
I like the look of this.
Who's this?
Okay. This is my boss
Steve's mother, Delores,
who's awake now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's where you
get all the looks from,
huh, sweetie?
Yeah, no,
we're not related.
Oh, yeah?
Well, she wishes,
'cause you got
the fucking. . .
you're stacked
pretty good.
Mmm.
Anyhow, Jame,
this is my old friend,
Donny.
Your best friend.
I'm his best friend.
Mmm.
Your best friend.
Uh, yeah, no.
Remember I told you
we met, uh. . .
Where'd we meet?
Um, we met. . .
Where?
Come on.
Uh, it's coming to me.
I saved his life.
Oh.
Well, more metaphorically.
No, no, no, no, no.
Here's what happened.
It was, like,
one of them, uh,
train track kind of deals.
My man over here,
I see him,
he drops his burrito
on the tracks.
I'm like, "All right,
that happens."
Next thing you know,
homeboy leaps down there,
and he tries
to retrieve the burrito.
Okay? I see a train
whizzing at him.
I'm like,
"This guy's about to die,
and he don't know it."
I fucking leap
down there myself,
right,
and I give him
a little shove
on the heinie.
"Get out of the way, buddy!"
Next thing you know,
I realize
this thing's
going to hit me.
I fucking remember,
though,
I had a kung fu instructor
who taught me
how to tighten
the diaphragm,
and I bring it in there.
And I feel the train go by.
My eyes are closed.
Rips my shirt
off my body, okay?
I open my eyes.
I see all these chicks
just kind of looking at me,
going, "What is that?
"That's the fucking
most chiseled guy
I've ever seen."
I worked out at the time.
Anyways, the place
goes bananas for me,
I sign a couple of titties,
and I started hanging out
with this guy ever since.
Best friends, right?
Here you go, my boy.
I just can't believe
I've never heard
that story before.
Why wouldn't you just get
another burrito, Todd?
Uh, wouldn't it
be dirty?
Great questions.
Uh, it's one of
the many things
about this story
that's pretty hard
to believe.
So, uh, where are you
staying, Donny?
Oh, he's not staying.
No.
I can't stay.
Yeah, no, he's right.
Oh, pshaw.
I mean, invite him
to stay here.
You have to stay.
He's your best friend.
You're his best friend.
Sheesh, I'm not
messing with her.
I mean, you are my
best friend, guy.
And, Jamie, you can be
my breast friend.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh.
Breast, with an "R."
With an "R."
Oh ! Ooh !
By the way, dude,
you look fantastic.
You lost all the weight,
homeboy.
I miss the titties.
You saved my life?
Seriously?
What?
They ate that up.
You came up
with a whole lot
of nothing.
That's a nice suitcase,
by the way.
What is that,
Louis Vuitton?
This is a Hefty bag.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
What do you want, Donny?
Money?
You heard I was doing well,
so you came looking
for a handout?
I don't want
none of your money.
How is that? Okay?
I get it.
You don't like me.
I exploded.
I wish you had exploded.
That way,
I wouldn't have to see
your stupid face anymore!
Did you happen to notice
I created a whole fake life
just so I could get away
from you?
Your mother's sick,
by the way.
(SIGHS)
I don't believe you.
They don't know
how long she's got.
What is that, nunchuks?
I told her you would
visit her up at the prison.
I'm kind of thinking
you're the kind of guy
who would pull through
for Mumsie.
Know what I'm saying?
She'd do the same for you.
Really?
Yeah.
Saturday's the last
visiting day
before the big surgery,
so. . .
So let me
get this straight.
You want me to go
visit my "sick mom"
that I haven't talked to
in years, in prison,
the day before my wedding.
Correct.
Not happening, asshole.
What the fuck
did I do to you
to make you
hate me so much?
I am fucking baffled
right now.
Well, maybe you
don't remember,
but you were basically
the worst parent ever.
Me? I did everything
for you, buddy,
and I never gave you
an ounce of shit
about nothing.
You never
gave me nothing.
I gave you a snake.
Yeah, and then it died
after it ate
all your Quaaludes.
That was the only time
anybody's ever seen
a king cobra laugh.
And I take pride in that,
so fuck you.
Yeah, great.
You know what?
I basically had
to raise myself, Donny.
I never learned
how to swim.
I don't even know
how to ride a bike.
You know how fucking
humiliating that is?
What about Mr. Mitty?
Remember him?
What? No. What's that?
Mr. Mitty. I used to put
an oven mitt on my hand.
He would cheer you up
all the time
when you were sad.
"Don't be upset,
young man.
"I'm your best friend.
"Even though
I'm an oven mitt."
No, I don't
remember that,
okay?
You know what
I do remember?
You making me
drive you home
from the beach
'cause you got
too drunk.
It makes sense to me.
When somebody's hammered,
they have another guy
drive home.
I was eight!
Well, you looked 1 4
'cause you were such
a huge fat fuck.
I'm sorry.
Oh, you are
such an asshole.
Dude, you're
a millionaire now,
and you're marrying
that hot chick.
I must have done
a pretty decent job
as a dad, don't you think?
Oh, yeah?
You want to check in on
your pretty decent job?
DONNY:
Oh, my God.
You're a junkie?
Who's your supplier?
'Cause I'll smack
that motherfucker around.
It's insulin, you dick.
I'm a diabetic
'cause you let me eat
cake and lollipops
for breakfast every day.
But that's what
you fucking asked for.
Yeah, you're
supposed to say no.
You know,
I weighed 400 pounds
by the time I was 1 2.
You know how hard it was
to take that weight off?
All right, all right.
I. . . I didn't know
what I was doing.
I had no one helping me.
Grandpa was a psycho.
You know that.
Han Solo,
don't be like this.
I'm a good person.
Okay, don't call me
that, all right?
My name's Todd now.
Call yourself Han Solo.
You're dressed like him.
Good one.
I'm just saying, buddy,
give me a chance.
Do you have
any Axe body spray?
No, Donny, I don't have
any Axe body spray.
Because I'm not
a fucking douche bag.
That's a douche bag thing?
When did that become
a douche bag thing?
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
JAMIE: Todd,
the guests are arriving.
Let's go!
All right, can you
lighten up a little bit?
We got a party to attend.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Good person, how about
you put on a tie, okay?
It's a cocktail party,
not a Quiznos opening.
What?
I haven't worn a tie
since my mother's funeral
when I was three.
I'm not going to
start that up again.
That's great.
Put on a tie.
No.
Put on a tie!
I'll never sell out.
I'll give you 1 00 bucks.
Where's the tie?
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Look at this.
Jamie is going to
have it all.
(SIGHS)
TODD: Oh, by the way,
Mr. Spirou,
I read the OPEC report,
and I was thinking,
if we hedge
our position on oil,
we could really, um. . .
(TODD SIGHS)
Uh, if we were to short
the euro, we could. . .
Oh, come on, Todd.
This is your
wedding weekend.
You are marrying
a real workaholic.
You do know that.
Yeah, but isn't
that what you want
in a partner?
Oh, she's good, this one.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, she's good.
All right, all right.
Uh, I haven't made
that decision yet,
but I love this kid.
You lost your dad
in that explosion,
and. . .
and I lost my son.
I thought your son
was a ski instructor
in Vail.
He's a pot-smoking bum !
Not like you, Todd.
Oh, no.
You're the type of boy
a father can be proud of.
Yeah, we'll never know,
will we?
Who's that?
Oh, I'm not here.
That's, uh, Donny.
Donny, come on.
Say hi to everyone.
Oh, God, hang on.
Let me swing these free.
Glad all the children
saw that.
JAMIE:
Uh, Donny,
this is Steve Spirou,
Todd's boss.
Wassup!
Is that back?
Because I've been dying
for that to come back.
Wassup!
Yeah !
That's my boy!
Look at him !
He ain't a tight-ass.
Wassup!
(LAUGHING)
Wassup!
Wassup!
Wassup!
(LAUGHING)
What's up?
Boo!
That was terrible, Todd.
So, I see the. . .
the train coming,
and something
kind of like takes
over me, you know?
Here you go, Abigail.
Thank you.
And so, I decide to jump
off the platform, right?
Snaps my legs in two.
(LADIES GASPING)
What did I expect?
It was a 25-foot drop,
you know?
25 feet?
So I grab Burrito Bandito
over here,
and I just roll him
out of the way.
The train missed
our skulls by inches.
Why would you do
something like
that, Todd?
You know, I really
don't know, Steve.
I mean, why wouldn't you
just buy another burrito?
Yeah, no, I know.
I, uh. . .
I don't know what I
could have been thinking.
Maybe he was high
on the hashish.
(LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS)
Hey, how about I
get you another beer,
huh, Donny Boy?
20's my limit.
No! No, no.
But, uh, Donny Boy
has got to go to
bed, though, right?
ALL: Aw.
Yeah, oh, fiddlesnatch.
It's the afternoon.
Remember you told me
you wanted to
get to bed early?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, no, no.
Todd's right.
MAN: Oh, my God.
You're right, it is him.
You're Donny Berger.
It's him.
Do you remember
that kid who got
his teacher pregnant
in Somerville?
Wait a minute,
that is you.
Donny Berger.
Didn't you and
your teacher have a kid?
Wait a minute.
What was his name?
Indiana Jones, huh?
It was something
fantastic like that.
Yeah, Han Solo Berger.
Yeah, Han Solo,
Han Solo. What ever
happened to him?
Uh, what happened to him?
He, uh, actually
became a dick.
A private eye, I mean.
Ah.
One of the biggest
and hairiest dicks
in the world.
Okay.
Hey, look,
this might seem weird,
but do you think
you would ever. . .
Bone your wife?
Yeah, I mean,
I'd love to.
She's a hot little number.
Well, you know,
I was just
going to ask you
for an autograph,
but. . .
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
On her tits or. . .
Or a piece of paper
would be fine.
Yeah, or a photo.
Okay, well,
this has been fun.
But, Donny. . .
Uh, not to toot
my own horn,
but I got
kind of close once.
Uh, Mrs. Weiss,
freshman geometry.
And I think she
would have done it, too.
I just. . .
I just didn't know
how to make the move.
You know what?
I would have killed
to bang my eighth grade
biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn.
I used to dream of. . .
of dissecting her
with my penis.
(LAUGHING)
It's so weird
what goes on upstairs
when you hit puberty.
I actually stole
my middle school
librarian's glasses
to wear while
I masturbated.
(ALL GASPING)
What is that about?
In my day,
when I got into trouble,
the headmaster would
slap your hand
with his dick.
She wins.
You know,
Todd was working
at the cubicle
next to mine one year,
1 2 weeks and one day ago
when he met a pretty girl
at the gym named Jamie.
How many days
is that, Todd?
Computing, Steve.
Beep boop beep boop beep.
451 .
Ooh.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
It's actually 450.
Oh, battle of the brainiacs!
Yeah, this guy forgot
about leap year, I guess.
(LAUGHTER)
WOMAN:
He's smarter than Todd !
Okay, we're talking
a lot about numbers,
but let's get back to love.
What's the matter,
hot stuff?
Where do you think
you get it from?
Your mother was
a math teacher,
and I was pretty much
a whiz kid myself.
The ability to make a bong
out of a Taco Bell cup
doesn't make you
a whiz kid, Donny.
Leap year, motherfucker.
I think it's kind of
a magical moment.
You know,
Todd's oldest friend, Donny,
miraculously appearing
like this.
What?
So I am graciously
going to step aside
and allow Donny
to take over
as the best man.
Give it up for Donny!
Oh, no, no, no.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
Phil, you don't
have to do that.
No music.
No, no, no, no.
Kill the music.
Phil, Phil, you. . .
that's so nice of you,
but you don't have to
do that.
Oh, I don't mind.
You two are very close.
We are.
We are very close,
but you and I
are close, too.
Well, we work together,
but I wouldn't call us close.
I mean, I was actually
kind of surprised
when you asked me
to be your best man.
Made me feel
a little sorry for you.
(LAUGHTER)
That's true.
He had no idea
who he was.
Ah, no. . .
I accept. I do.
I love it.
It's an honor.
MAN: Way to go, Donny!
DONNY: Are you kidding me?
You got Fenway Park
in your backyard?
Oh, I had that built
when my son started
Little League.
He never used it.
The little douche bag
just sat in his room
listening to reggae.
Well, let's lose these ties
and hit some dingers.
What do you say?
Come on !
(EXCITED CHATTER)
No, no, no.
Please, don't let
this be happening.
Don't let this
be happening, please.
(PANTING)
No sports.
All right, guys,
let's see what
we got out there.
Please don't hit it to me.
Please don't hit it to me.
Please don't hit it to me.
(CHEERING)
DONNY: Get under it, kid.
WOMAN: Yeah !
Oh.
Moron.
Here we go!
Taking down two there!
All right, Gerald, kid !
Here we go, guy!
Stay on it!
Oh, my God !
Grandma, what's up, honey?
Are you awake, sweetheart?
Here we go.
Get under it!
Get dirty!
What the fuck?
Got it.
Nice catch, Mama!
Let's let Todd-o
get this one, huh?
Oh, no, that's okay.
Todd, come on !
No, no. Uh, hit one
to that two-year-old.
He hasn't gotten one yet.
Here you go, big man.
What?
Quit showing off
for the girls, buddy.
They're mine.
(DONNY LAUGHING)
Come on, now.
You got it.
You got it.
ALL: Oh !
(LAUGHING)
Okay, Todd,
you all set, buddy?
Don't hit it to me.
Coming to you, homie.
(GROANS)
ALL: Oh !
(THUDDING)
Holy shit.
(WHEEZING)
Oh, my God.
Are you all right, guy?
(GROANING)
Come on.
You're fine.
Throw it in there, guy.
I think the ball's broken.
Throw it in, Todd.
Todd,
throw the ball.
Come on, Todd !
Throw it,
you big vagina.
Do it.
DONNY: Todd, we want
to keep playing, buddy.
We need a ball, kid.
PHIL: Just throw it.
JAMIE: Such a pussy.
WOMAN: Oh !
DONNY:
Oh ! On a rope!
Holy fuck!
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
We now return to
The Donny Berger Story,
starring lan Ziering.
DONNY: (ON PHONE) Yo!
Donny.
I'm in a Jacuzzi.
Hang on one sec.
GIRLS: Yeah.
Fucking. . . Here.
Who'll take the cigar?
Oh, no.
Donny.
Keep that lit for me.
Take my fucking shades.
Wear them if you want.
Yeah !
All right.
So, hang on.
GIRL 1 :
I want to wear them.
I'll be back.
GIRL 2: Oh.
(GIRLS GASPING)
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
DONNY: All right.
My goodness!
Yeah, what's going on?
Guess what's on TV?
Hey, there, little buddy.
l'm Mr. Mitty.
l will always love you.
What is that,
The Donny Berger Story?
CHAMPALE: HeII, yeah.
Don't you get money
every time
that shit is shown?
This could be your
"get out of jail free" card.
Last check I got for that
was 85 cents.
Is Han Solo gonna do
the show at the women's
prison with you?
You know, I haven't
discussed any particulars
with him yet.
I am actually just trying
to be a dad right now.
You're gonna go
to prison on Tuesday.
You have got to get
that money somehow.
Kenny, what the fuck?
I thought this was
a bathroom !
Fuck you !
Honk!
Oh, nobody squeezes
my titty
for free, honey!
Okay, good luck
with that.
JAMIE: God,
you're such an idiot!
Todd, you already
messed up my flowers!
TODD: I'm sorry.
Just get the cake!
No walnuts!
No fucking excuses!
I love you !
Do you love me?
(JAMIE GROANS)
What?
(SHOWER RUNNING)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
"You screwed up my cake!
"You screwed up my cake!"
(CHUCKLES)
TODD: What?
It's me, it's me.
Can I come in?
Yeah, sure.
What's up, buddy?
What was she yelling at?
What'd you do wrong?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, she's just stressed out
'cause of the wedding.
Oh, really?
You sure she's
not stressed out
about maybe
sex or something?
Have you,
have you been
going down on her?
What?
No, I'm just saying,
a lot of times
girls I've met
over the years,
when they've been
ragging on me and
yelling at me and shit,
if I kiss their pussies
they kind of go,
"Ah, you're right,
you're a good guy."
Yeah, that's personal, Donny.
Yeah, no, no.
You know her better
than me, fine.
Mmm. So, uh. . .
You wear a bathing suit
in the shower?
You know that's
fucking nuts, right?
Are you serious?
I can't even
take my shirt off
in front of other people
because of you.
Because of me.
What did I do this time?
Oh, let me jog your memory.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
The New Kids
on the Block!
Holy shit!
Their heads are
all warped now!
Oh, my God !
Yeah, it's 'cause I got it
when I was in third grade.
My body grew.
I'm sorry.
It's fine, it's fine.
Let me see it again.
(LAUGHS)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
You got a back tattoo
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
Their heads are
fucking warped
You suck.
Come on, dude.
Why you getting
so serious?
I still got the tattoo
I got when I was,
when I was a teenager,
and I'm fine with it,
you know.
"De plane!
"De plane!
De plane!"
Yeah, I remember it.
I still don't know
who that is.
It's fucking. . .
"De plane, de plane" guy
from Fantasy lsland.
Tattoo.
I got a tattoo of Tattoo.
I thought that was funny.
Well, it's not.
Lighten up, dude.
Come on.
"De plane!"
Don't. Donny, don't.
I'm serious.
"De plane!"
No.
You're still ticklish.
No, I'm not ticklish !
(LAUGHS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Come on, now!
Oh, the tickle monster.
Oh, I tickle you like that.
No.
Stop! No, stop it!
Watch yourself.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Stop it! Stop it, no!
Give me that, Hansie.
Why is your dick
in my face?
And why is it
kind of hard?
What are you
two homos doing?
Just rasslin'.
All right.
'Cause you're looking
at an all-state
fucking wrestling champion,
and I got the winner.
Okay. Well, he won.
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
You won.
What? No, I didn't.
You're gonna
love it, buddy.
Wrestle him.
Yeah, Chad.
No, no.
It's actually
a funny story.
We were having
a tickle fight.
We weren't
wrestling at all.
I was losing,
admittedly.
DONNY:
Aw, God, I got to
start doing some
crunches or something.
Look at this.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Oh, you don't like him?
Oh, we don't like you.
(CHUCKLES)
He's talking to
his dick, buddy.
(GRUNTS)
Now he's hitting it.
(GRUNTS)
No! Why?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh ! You got to
puff that fucker up!
Oh, what? No.
You don't have to
puff that fucker up.
Let's do this.
Chad, I'm sure
you're very athletic. . .
Okay!
Okay!
I tap out.
You win, you win.
I tap out.
Do you like
fucking my sister, Todd?
I mean, do you like
sticking your dirty
booger fingers in her?
(BACK CRACKS)
Whoa, what was that?
Let's all just
keep our heads, okay?
We've all been drinking
a lot tonight.
I'm gonna
skull-fuck you. . .
(BOTTLE CLANKS)
And that is
the end of that.
(CHUCKLES)
(CLEARS THROAT)
What, you're mad at me?
How am I the fucking
bad guy right now?
Oh, you're gonna
fucking give me shit
with that tattoo
on your back?
(LAUGHS)
Look at that stupid
fucking thing.
Good buddy,
he'll be fine.
Yeah, so we got Chad
all tucked in,
safe and sound.
JAMIE: I never
heard of him
passing out drunk before.
Yeah, it was crazy.
It was like,
one second,
he was with us,
totally awake.
Next thing you know,
he's face down,
birds a-chirpin'.
What do you think?
(CHUCKLES)
You look amazing.
Oh, wait!
Isn't it bad luck for me
to see the dress
before the wedding,
though?
This is a $1 2,000
Vera Wang dress.
I'm gonna wear it
whenever I want.
You'd look hot
in a $1 2 Wang Chung dress.
That sounds like
a line Donny would say.
Yeah, except he'd say,
"You'd look friggin' hot
in a Wang Dang
Sweet Poontang dress."
Just think he's, like,
trailer park-y or something,
you know?
Yeah.
That's probably why
his son ran off.
His what? What? Who?
His son about. . .
What'd he say?
What did you hear?
Did he say something?
Just look at the first page
of that book he's been
handing out to everyone.
He has? What? No.
Head in the Class?
He said, it's like
Head of the Class,
only with blow jobs.
It's gross.
Yeah, it's gross.
Blow jobs are gross.
We don't do those.
"Dear Jamie,
I know you'll make
Todd very happy
"if you bleach
your little brown eye."
Oh, no, not this part.
Wow, that's sad.
(SIGHS)
That weirdly got me.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know why it got me,
but it just got me.
(SIGHS)
Can I get a hug
right now, or. . .
No, no, no, no!
We can't
wrinkle the dress.
Hey, if you don't want
to wrinkle the dress,
may I suggest
we just remove it?
Did you take two Xanax?
I actually took
three Xanax.
And you know
that the Xanax makes me
"H" to the "O" to the "R"
To the "N" to the "Y"
So horny for my fiancee
No!
Down.
I don't want to have sex
with my family in the house.
No, I know.
I don't want to have sex
with your family, either.
In the house.
Came out weird.
Possibly my last night of
spanking the hell out of it
without having a roommate
watching me, so. . .
What do we got
to work with here?
Rich people magazines.
Eh, let's see what we got.
If I hadn't partied
with her husband
so many times,
I would.
But it's disrespectful
to him.
I don't know.
Hello.
Jeezum crow,
you really were a model,
weren't you, Grandma?
Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth
really, really knew
how to pick them,
didn't he?
I love that
old-time bathing suit.
I could take you
to the speakeasy,
and we could,
we could do
the naked Charleston.
I have to ship out in the
morning to fight the Nazis,
so you better give me
something to remember.
(CHUCKLES)
What's that?
Oh, my God.
Old lady Grandma wants to
get in on the action, too.
Should we let her?
I think we should.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, my God.
(MOANS)
Why do I like her better
right now?
Oh, you bad. . .
(GROANS)
What have you done to me?
What have you done to me?
(LAUGHS)
We got to go for round two,
but give me
a little bit of time.
Give me
a little bit of time.
Oh, lovely.
Just lovely.
Oh, goodness.
Oh, my word.
TODD: Best man,
wedding rehearsal
in an hour.
There's
so many tissues.
Oh. . .
Oh, oh !
Oh, God. You know, don't
touch those, okay?
Let's. . .
(GROANS) Okay.
I'm gonna just
clean that up.
Yeah, Donny's sick.
You don't want to
touch these
'cause you'll get sick.
He's got post-nasal drip,
so. . .
(GRUNTING)
(SOBBING)
(RETCHES)
The tissue's
stuck to my picture.
Here, let me.
Yuck! (GROANS)
I'll grab that from you.
I got it.
Oh, look at that!
There's a little
tissue beard there.
No, don't touch it, please.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, that poor dear.
I'll just get him
some nice, fresh juice.
Mmm-hmm. Juice.
That's a great idea.
Thank you, Grandma D.
Thanks.
You know,
hon, if he's really
under the weather,
maybe it's best
if he doesn't
masturbate so much.
That's good advice.
I'll tell him that,
thank you.
Okay, you can stop
pretending to sleep,
Sir Jizz-a-lot.
The old broad knew
I was whacking to her
the whole time, didn't she?
(LAUGHS)
That's so funny.
But your improvs were awesome.
"Post-nasal dick,"
or whatever you said.
You know,
I can't believe your balls
produce that much stuff.
Dude, at least I got balls.
What's that
supposed to mean?
(LAUGHS)
Let me just crack open
some happiness first, yeah.
All I'm saying is
the Chad thing,
when that dude came
at you last night,
you kind of, like,
looked like
a deer in headlights.
(WATER RUNNING)
Your whole aura
is actually that
of a pussy.
Or a kiss-ass.
It is not.
It is, too.
What the fuck am I doing?
No, I'm just saying you got
to stand up for yourself
I'll have you know,
she bangs me all the time.
All right? She bangs.
Does she live
the la vida loca,
too, or. . .
Very funny.
(WOMEN SQUEALING)
Well, good day, everyone.
GERALD: Father.
Father McNally,
thank you so much for
coming out to the Cape.
My honor.
Very cool.
Oh, yes.
Chad.
You'll excuse me,
won't you?
While you're in
this church, you'll show
the proper respect.
No e-mailing,
no texting,
no Facebooking,
no Skyping and
no Angry Birds.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, that one hurts.
(LAUGHTER)
No, no.
I get it.
It's the 201 0s.
Everyone's having sex
and drinking lattes.
No, Father.
(CHUCKLES)
But, you see,
this is my world.
We'll abide by my rules
while we're here.
Maybe we should start
with the, uh,
the father of the groom.
Oh, uh, uh. . .
his father passed away.
He died in
an explosion.
Sounds fishy, but. . .
it really happened.
Yep.
I'm. . . I'm truly sorry
to hear that, son.
Oh, thank you,
but, uh, it's fine.
He deserved it.
So. . .
What is that
supposed to mean?
Oh, I didn't mean
anything by it.
He just, you know,
wasn't a great dad.
So your father, he. . .
he abused you, did he?
Oh, no, nothing
like that.
Was he a murderer?
Rapist?
No. Father,
I'm sorry, I. . .
My father beat me
every day with a rake.
But you don't hear me
smack-talking him like
some baby little princess.
Not here in the house
of the Lord.
You know, I can't hear
a word you're saying.
All I can focus on
is your shit breath.
I'd, um, I'd like to show you
the garden for a minute.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh. . .
Now, then.
Okay, you know what?
Let's just. . .
(PEOPLE GASP)
(LAUGHS)
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Fucking old guy's got
a cannon on him.
What happened?
DONNY: What happened
is I think he's having
a mini-meltdown.
Yeah, he's taking
his shirt off now.
Oh, my God.
And, he's pretty ripped
for an old fuck,
so we're in trouble
right now.
What is going on here?
All right, all right.
Go time, go time.
PHIL: Oh, no, think
about what you're doing !
Be careful.
(SCREAMS)
He bit me!
Did you see that?
That was amazing !
This could get ugly.
The Father actually
killed a guy in the ring.
That's why
he became a priest.
Oh.
Just keep your
hands up, kid !
Get 'em down !
Hang in there, guy!
(GRUNTING)
He keeps punching him !
Aw, come on, guy. Oh.
That's my boy!
Why, you came right back
with your own shit.
Nice, kid.
(SPEAKING IN TONGUES)
What the fuck is that?
Okay, he's going to
a whole other place
right now.
(SHOUTING IN TONGUES)
You know what?
Maybe just run.
Get the fuck out of here.
Go, go, go, go, go.
No.
I'm not gonna run.
Finish him, Father McNally!
Finish him !
(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)
Here we go...
(BOTTLE CLANKS)
(PEOPLE GASP)
Geez. He went down like
a sack of potatoes, huh?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY)
What is the matter
with you?
You know, we've known
Father McNally for 30 years.
30 years! 30 years.
30 years.
I ought to
rip off your head !
(CLAMORING)
(BARKING)
DONNY: Gerald !
I'm sorry.
Sorry's not gonna keep you
from burning in hell, Todd.
Hey, this is
all my fault.
I shouldn't have hit
the guy with the bottle.
I'm, like,
a moron over here.
No, now, Donny,
I will not let you take
the blame for this.
You had to do it.
You saved his life again.
And you looked
very sexy doing it.
Why was the sound
of that bottle so familiar?
Todd is such a loser.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Here comes your girl.
Here we go.
Jame, I'm sorry,
but, look,
you got to admit,
I stood up for myself
back there.
Do you have fucking rocks
in your head, Todd?
No.
Well, where are we
gonna get married now?
We got kicked out
of the church !
Jame. . .
What is
everybody's problem?
You were awesome
out there.
You kicked ass.
You should be
proud of yourself.
Proud of myself?
For what?
I got my ass kicked,
and everyone's
pissed off at me.
And, by the way,
thanks for
the fatherly advice, guy.
That's the last time
I listen to you.
Aw...
(PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY)
CHAD: I'm gonna choke him out!
He's an asshole!
I'm gonna choke him out.
I'm just gonna
choke him out.
Hey, guys, guys?
Can I just say
something before
we all turn on Todd?
Churches freak the kid out,
After the explosion,
all that was
left of his dad
was, like, a kneecap and
a little bit of nut sack.
(WOMEN COO SYMPATHETICALLY)
It was supposed to be
a closed casket,
but there was a foul-up
at the mortuary,
and he actually saw
a squirrel
run into the coffin
and, uh, kind of. . .
squeak out of there with his
dad's ball bag in his mouth.
You know, that's gonna
fuck any of us up, so. . .
(GROANS)
Aw...
So you actually knew
Todd's father?
Of course I knew the guy.
He was,
uh, he was handsome,
he had fucking great hair,
uh, a Jedi with
the chicks.
Went down on girls
for a wicked long time
'cause he was a giver
and he wanted to see
others be happy.
Oh, I wish I could
have met him.
Sounds like a gentleman.
Was he there enough
for the kid?
No, maybe not.
But, uh,
y-you know, he probably
felt bad about it.
You know,
and there's nothing he can
do about it now, so, uh. . .
Toddsy.
Oh, Todd.
I had no idea.
(SIGHS)
Poor thing.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
It's fine, but
sometimes I do
still have nightmares.
Oh, boy.
That squirrel and
its demonic eyes.
Tiny piece of skin
flapping in its mouth.
One lone scraggly hair.
A pubic hair.
I mean, maybe this is
a blessing, though, guys.
Do we really want
Father McNutty
to be the one
who brings these
two guys together?
I mean, I don't
think so.
I'm pretty tied into
the church crowd,
Rageaholics Anonymous
and whatnot.
I could find
a priest for you.
I mean, what type
are we looking for?
Maybe a younger guy.
Younger guy.
How about a black guy?
Oh. Now, I like that.
It's very urban,
very street.
GERALD: Okay.
But that still
doesn't get us a church.
Well, I'll tell you where
I would tie the knot
if I was these
two sexy kids.
(NOTHlNG BUT THE BEST PLAYING)
l like to eat lobster
Directly from Maine
Oh, Donny, this is
just such a great idea.
Thanks.
Don't you love
the pergola?
They're gorgeous!
You know what,
maybe a little more
girly shit up on the arch.
Oh, you know,
you're right.
Excuse me,
sir, put some more
girly shit up there.
Calling all ladies!
The bus for
the bachelorette party
is here! Come on !
Honey, you guys have fun
at the bachelor party!
Okay.
Don't get too crazy.
Know your limits.
Okay.
We're having
a bachelor party?
That's, like,
my thing, man.
Hookers, blow,
balloons filled with piss.
I mean, the sky's
the limit, kid.
No, no, no. Donny,
uh, w-we're all set.
I have arranged
a very special evening
for us tonight.
(LAUGHS)
This is gonna
be awesome!
(YELLS)
PHIL:
I read about this place
in Oprah's magazine.
I don't know if she writes
the articles herself,
but there's some real
good stuff in it.
Uh, hi, we're for
the Todd Peterson party,
please.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Ah, Mrs. Ravensdale.
RAVENSDALE:
Phil, what a blessing.
Welcome to your
bachelor party package
here at
He Time Spa For Men.
Woo-hoo, motherfucker!
Okay. All right.
(LAUGHS)
We're gonna set you up
with some nice plush robes,
and then we have
a wonderful
full evening planned
with massage,
facial and
nail treatments,
and then we're going
to send you home
with a special gift
of our house-made
lavender scrub.
Uh, Confucius say,
"What the fuck are
you talking about?"
No, Donny,
uh, Phil thought
it would be nice
before the wedding
for us to
all take a little time to
just chill and mellow.
My wife and I
have been burning it
on both ends all week
with the preschool
applications,
and I am ready
to be pampered !
(MEN CHUCKLE)
All right, all right.
Now we're talking.
Hey, thanks, honey.
What the fuck's your name?
Jessica. All right.
Yeah.
Hey, come on.
Here's to the kid.
He's fucking getting all
fucked up, ah, tonight!
Last night!
Fucking last night of
poontang for this kid.
What the fuck is this?
It's water infused
with cucumber,
rose petal
and harvest sandalwood.
It tastes like fucking
dick infused with balls.
And a side of fucking
Rod Stewart's jizz.
Wait a minute.
What are we drinking
water at a fucking
bachelor party for,
Phil?
You got to show my son
your tits later.
Promise me.
Promise me.
That's. . . that's nice.
Yeah, good.
This is great,
sweetheart.
Really good.
Nice work.
You're going deep
on us, huh?
That's it.
What's this, sir?
Oh, that's just
a little, uh. . .
(CHUCKLES)
tip, you know,
if you give me
a full package.
Oh, okay.
That's a $1 50
additional charge.
You're talking
to the wrong guy.
That's a little out
of my price range.
It includes scalp treatment,
reflexology.
How much is it
to tickle my pickle?
To yank my crank?
To give me a ho-jo to go?
Sweetheart, I'm not asking
for a finger up the ass.
I just want you to just
jerk it a little bit.
Donny, this isn't
a brothel.
Then I'm completely
confused
what the fuck we're
doing here right now!
So, what, you're just
going to get a hand job
in front of all of us?
I don't know. Am I?
I guess not!
You know, I have worked
very hard on this night, Don,
and you're being
just plain rude.
Phil, no! Phil !
No, no. Don't do this.
(MEN SIGHING)
Nice. That's nice.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
(CHUCKLES)
It tickles.
Just fight through it, man.
It's worth it.
If you stop, I swear
I will kill you.
You know what,
if I don't see a tit
in five minutes,
I'm going to strangle
this motherfucker.
You should be
ashamed of yourself
for fucking arranging
this bullshit!
Well, I feel very relaxed,
and I think this was
a good use of a Groupon.
You fucked us, buddy!
Five more minutes
till you get to
choose amongst four
artisanal house-blended
chocolates, gentlemen.
PHIL: Oh. . .
(LAUGHTER)
We can't let tonight
end like this, boys.
We got to go out.
I'm telling you,
I can't let my son
have a. . .
my son of a gun best friend
have his bachelor party
be this.
You fucking. . .
you guys got your face
covered in leprechaun shit.
We should be getting
whacked off. . .
all of us. . .
as a fucking team !
Donny, I think
we've had enough
excitement for one night.
Besides, it's not like
you can throw together
a whole other party this late.
I could have
six chicks making out
with each other
on our laps
in ten minutes.
I could stay out
a little later.
Bam !
(IN SING-SONG TONE)
We gonna get
our dicks sucked.
There it is.
(LAUGHTER)
Unless, uh, Mrs. Ravensdale,
you want to whip
them knockers out?
We'd love to see them.
All right,
you know what?
You are an imbecilic,
immature, asinine,
childish,
caveman-like,
hairy-knuckled,
single-chromosomal,
obnoxious, uneducated,
ignorant asshole
who I would like to
fuck hard and long !
So, I'm going to go
put a dent in that.
You guys get that
green jizz off your face.
I'll be back in 20.
We're going out, boys!
Hey, this is the shit,
this place. . .
I'm telling you.
The hottest chicks,
the best Denver omelets.
You have to eat one.
All right.
Donny!
Yeah, this is who I was
telling you about!
What's up? Give me that.
I'm so happy to see you.
You look
so fucking cute!
I know, right?
Oh, and you brought
a military man.
What's your name, soldier?
Chad Martin,
private first class,
United States Marine Corps.
You think you can
keep that dick
at attention for
a couple hours?
(LAUGHS)
That's an order!
Already on it.
(LAUGHS)
Look at my man !
PHIL: You guys,
let me get in here
and introduce myself.
Hello. I'm Phil.
I'm married
with four children,
and I have actually
only seen three vaginas
in my entire life:
my wife's, my baby's
and my aunt's once
by accident on
the back of a tandem bike.
Well, here's
number four, baby!
Oh !
I'm going to count that
as numbers four and five.
(LAUGHTER)
(GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR
PLAYING)
l see you chillin'
by the bar
DJ: ChampaIe wouId
like to dedicate this
to Mr. Todd Peterson.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Yeah, baby. Yeah.
Here you go.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Do you want any eggs?
Oh, no.
I really have to
watch what I eat.
No fatty foods.
But thank you.
I'm Brie.
I'm Todd.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, I know who
you are, Han Solo.
Oh. Uh, no, you can't. . .
Don't worry,
your secret's safe.
(ANXIOUS LAUGH)
Hey, girl, what you know
about these stereotypes?
Yeah, yeah
l-l take a shot
of Patrn
Two shots, then it's on
Three shot, four shot,
five shot
Oh, shit, I think I'm gone
lf you're looking for me,
l'm with the
Girls on the dance floor
How easy to see
l'm with the
Girls on the dance floor
You know l love it
when the
Girls on the dance floor
That's why this one
is for the
Girls on the dance floor
Who did that?
And l'm good to go
Got the hood feeIing
so remarkable
When the clock hits 4:00,
l'm out the door
So get your ass
on the floor
Get your ass on the fIoor
Oh, you don't
hear me though?
Get your ass
on the floor, yeah
lf you're looking for me
l'm with the
Girls on the dance floor
How easy to see
l'm with the
Girls on the dance floor
You know l love it
when the...
(CROWD CHEERING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
Gerald, get in the car.
I love you, Donny!
Yeah, I love you.
Get in there.
Man, you got to give me
the recipe, man.
Can't buy everything,
Spirou !
Bro, but they use
olive oil, not butter.
That's the big secret.
Okay, Chris,
get him in there.
Be gentle, he. . .he's
protecting our country.
All right,
good night, guys!
(LAUGHS)
Gerald, you're
a sick man, buddy!
Whoa.
(GERALD LAUGHING)
Hey, what. . .
Where's everybody going?
I sent them home, guy.
I thought, uh, we could
have a little, uh,
best man/groom alone time.
Oh. But shouldn't
I go with them?
'Cause Jamie's gonna
get mad at me.
Wha. . . Easy, guy.
You're gonna have
plenty of time
for her to be mad at you
when you're married.
(LAUGHS)
I got you a wedding gift,
and I want to
give it to you alone,
all right?
You got me a gift?
Of course I got you.
And I think, uh,
think you might dig it.
An earring.
Yeah, I know,
but, uh, that's an earring
that your mom gave me,
and I thought maybe
we could
keep it in the family,
you know?
Just kind of keep it going,
generation to generation,
actually.
Oh.
Yeah, but I don't have
a pierced ear, Donny.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
All right,
fuck it, fuck it.
Do it, just do it.
It's not gonna hurt, buddy.
Y-You got a nice
buzz going.
Yeah, I got it, I got it.
Hang on.
(SIGHS)
Oh, yeah.
L-Liquor it up.
Oh, fuck! (SQUEALS)
Come here. Come here.
(SCREAMING)
Hang in there!
Go ahead, just
sit still, homie.
(SCREAMING)
Yeah !
(GROANS)
How we doing?
(GROANING)
Oh, God.
That's it.
That's the way to man up.
That wasn't so bad.
Let me see it.
Am I bleeding?
I don't think so.
No?
Does it look good?
You look like
you could be playing drums
for Foreigner or some shit.
You look like a bad-ass.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, 'cause it makes me
feel kind of. . .
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
. . .dangerous.
(LAUGHS)
There he is, man !
That's your personality. . .
like when you were
seven years old,
me and Uncle Vanny used to
laugh our asses off from you.
Uncle Vanny,
that's right.
What happened to that guy?
Dude, you know
what it's time for?
To get you
back together
with the old gang.
Come on.
I just hope the guy
will talk to me.
Phil !
Come on, you're gonna
get arrested, buddy.
(SOBBING)
I shouldn't be
doing this.
No, don't stop,
don't stop.
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right, look.
I came here to tell you
I'm sorry
about what happened
with me and your mother.
It was an accident,
and it will never
happen again.
That's all I've been
waiting for
all these years, man,
a simple apology.
It's water
under the bridge.
Don't sweat it.
Holla.
Wait, are you Vanilla Ice?
Was Uncle Vanny
Vanilla Ice
this whole time?
Who did you
think I was?
I don't know,
a friend of my dad's
that wore a lot
of parachute pants?
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, man.
I want to be honest
with you, too.
I never did knock boots
with your mother.
No?
No.
I think she whacked me
off outside the pants.
(SIGHS)
No.
But I didn't finish.
Vanny, I didn't finish.
I couldn't.
Yeah?
Oh, Mom.
Yeah.
You know,
she did like to fuck.
(LAUGHTER)
That's fucking. . .
Look at him.
Back to it.
Fuck, yeah.
Hey, Han Solo,
you're looking great, man.
Oh, thank you.
You lost some weight.
Is this kid all right?
You're not a little
fat kid no more.
No, no, no.
Remember this one?
No, no.
Oh, yeah, we used to do
this to you all the time.
Remember, back in the day?
Hey, nugget pocket.
Nugget pockets.
No, I'm not
a nugget pocket.
What's up, nugget pocket?
No.
(LAUGHS)
No, but seriously, Iceberg,
me and my boy
got a little head start
on you,
but, uh, you got any desire
to get wasted with us?
Ah, more than life itself.
In fact, I might
have a little head start
on you guys.
(LAUGHS)
What?
Ah !
(INHALES)
Yeah.
It's so illegal.
I don't want to do that
in front of my kid.
Turn around for a minute.
Just turn around.
(LAUGHS)
Give me that fucking shit.
(INHALES)
What?
Hey, let's get
out of here.
I did not do that.
Let's go have some fun.
Hey!
Hey, where you think
you're going,
Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream?
I'm going out
for the night, man.
Aw, hell no, man !
You know I don't know
how to fry
no damn chicken nuggets!
It's Todd Bridges.
Yeah, yeah,
w-watch this.
What you talking
'bout, Willis?
You come back
and say that to my face,
you fake white
rapping motherfucker!
Todd, seriously, though,
you look great.
How's Mr. Drummond
doing, huh?
(LAUGHTER)
Mister. . .
Fuck you !
"Mr. Drummond.
Mister. . ."
Man, I. . .
What you want?
Bowl of chili nuggets.
A what?
You know, that shit
ain't on the menu, man !
Shit, it is. Damn it.
DONNY: Fucking skate!
Just fucking skate!
TODD: The Berger boys
are here!
DONNY: Come on, look out!
Look out, now!
What the fuck?
(DANCE THE NlGHT AWAY PLAYING)
Have you seen her?
So fine and pretty
Hey! Give me my hat back!
(LAUGHING)
Do it, do it!
Give it back!
Yes, it's love
in the third degree
DONNY: Hey, it's a fucking
lovely night, ain't it?
Oh, my God !
(LAUGHING)
You fucking assholes!
(GRUNTING)
(CLAMORING)
Ooh, baby, baby
Go, go!
(GROANS)
What the. . . Go!
Go, go, go!
What the fuck?
Get out of here!
(GUNSHOT)
Holy shit!
You know, they seem
like fun guys.
We're all gonna dive!
Let's go!
(LAUGHING)
MAN: What are you doing?
She's on fire
'Cause dancing
gets her higher
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God !
I didn't, I didn't
spill my beer!
I fucking love it.
(CLAMORING)
Fuck!
You fucking hard-ons!
(TIRES SCREECH)
(HORN HONKS)
(GUNFIRE)
(CLAMORING)
(MEN SIGHING)
'Cause you're
old enough to dance
Dance the night away
"You fucking hard-ons."
Whoo!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, come on, baby
Dance the night away
(MEN LAUGHING)
Fucking. . .
What are you doing?
No, no, no, no!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
You don't fucking do that,
you fucking idiot!
Yeah !
Look at this, fuck face.
Look at this.
What the fuck?
Come on.
(LAUGHS)
You fucking guy.
I say, take it.
I can't.
Just go, go, go, go, go.
No, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop.
I changed my mind.
I'm scared.
I don't want to do it.
Oh, man.
I can't do it.
You're rubbing
your underwear.
What is that?
Why are you doing that?
I suppose
I'm the reason.
Yeah. Yeah.
Remember in first grade
when you were supposed
to pick me up after school,
you left me waiting
for five hours?
I had detention myself, guy.
What the fuck
was I supposed to do?
Yeah, well,
I shit in my pants.
All right.
Then I had to walk
all the way home alone.
All right.
With shit in my pants.
Dude, I promise you,
I'll never forget you again.
I swear to God.
Throw the fucking
things away.
Don't fuck with me.
Throw them away.
(CHANTING) Throw them away.
Throw them away.
Get rid
of the fucking underwear,
you don't need that.
You're better than that, guy.
Okay, fuck it.
Okay, fuck it.
Squeeze it out
and fucking. . . Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
You're a good kid.
Come on, fucking hit
this thing and
let's get it rocking.
All right. All right?
Here we go.
Come on.
Push, push. I got you.
Okay.
I'm not good at it.
All right.
It's balance,
it's just balance.
You got this, kid.
You're an athlete.
You got it.
No, it's in you, buddy.
Straight.
I don't know how.
I got you.
I ain't gonna let you fall.
Don't let me go.
I won't let you fall.
Don't let go.
All right,
I'm still with you.
Okay.
I'm still with you.
Let's pick up
some speed, though.
I'm with you, guy.
I'm with you.
I'm with you.
I'm not letting go.
Don't let me go.
I'm not letting go.
I'm with you, my boy.
Wait. . .
I'm with you, my boy!
Yeah, that's all you !
I'm doing it!
Yeah ! Yeah, yeah, baby!
I'm doing it!
Oh ! Oh, my God !
Oh ! Oh !
Are you. . .
(COUGHS)
Kid, are you. . .
Are you all right, buddy?
Sorry.
Dude, I'm trying to make
love to my wife!
Oh ! What the fuck?
TODD: No!
Fucking naked people.
I'm gonna
fucking kill you !
TODD: Oh, my God,
they're chasing me!
What the fuck?
Get off him !
Go!
Oh, my God ! Look out!
Go!
(SCREAMING)
DONNY: Keep going, guy!
Donny!
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
Yeah !
You're the best.
You are, Jay.
TODD: Good luck!
I like your
fucking hairdo!
Good luck with
the taxi business!
Love that guy.
Classic. Classic.
(LAUGHS)
Classic.
It's a classic night.
No way!
Party's not over!
Come on !
(BOTH LAUGH)
Dude, Uncle Vanny's fucked up.
I love you, Son.
I do.
I've always
loved you, all right?
Sorry to spring that
on you like that.
It's all right.
It's cool, Donny.
That's nice, thank you.
Hansie, Hansie.
Why don't you not call me
Donny when no one's around.
You can call me Dad.
Uh, yeah, I know, I know.
It's. . .
I don't know if I'm ready
for that, Donny.
You know?
Yeah, yeah.
No prob.
Sorry.
Sorry if you fucking
don't like me.
I probably would've
fucked my teacher, too.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Yeah.
But, uh. . .
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHS)
Eh, so, what time
are we gonna go
to the prison tomorrow?
Wait, you'll go
to the prison?
Yeah, I'll go.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
That. . . That's. . .
They canceled that.
That's. . . I talked to
the warden, and he says
that your mother
was just pulling our leg.
She's only got
the chicken pox.
What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
She said she was
dying because
they give you better food
if you're wicked sick
like that,
like Beefaroni
or microwave pizza
or some shit, so. . .
That just made me hungry.
Well, check your pockets.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh !
(LAUGHS)
A treasure!
Come on, eat it.
Oh, no, it's nasty.
Come on, I'm telling you.
Fucking Todd Bridges
worked hard on that thing.
Yeah. You like that.
Pretty good.
Woo-hoo!
Look at me,
I'm a fountain ! (LAUGHS)
Throw a penny in here!
Make a wish, motherfucker!
(SIGHS)
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, what the fu. . .
Grandma D,
what's going on?
What are you doing here?
Well, you've had the fantasy,
so now it's time
that you try the real thing.
(CHUCKLES) Oh !
No, no, no,
I can't do that.
I'm sorry.
I appreciate the offer.
Oh, no, no, no, don't.
I can't. Don't you. . .
I-I shouldn't.
(BETTE DA VIS EYES PLAYING)
Oh, God.
You got the old-timey
bathing suit on.
Okay, I'm in.
I'm going to ride you
like a Model T.
(WHISPERING) Yeah.
Shh !
(SIGHS)
Jamie.
You're wearing
your dress again.
You look beautiful.
I want you so bad.
Be nice to me.
Make me feel good.
(GRUNTING)
All right, all right.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
(GASPING)
Oh, oh, oh.
(SNORING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
JAMIE: Oh, my God !
Help me!
(SCREAMS)
What happened?
Are you okay?
Do I sound okay?
You puked all over
my wedding dress!
Prepare to get fucked up,
motherfuckers!
(GROANS)
Sorry, I, uh,
I heard you scream.
I thought Jamie
was getting murdered,
so I was gonna fucking
smack someone around.
What happened?
Oh, I don't know!
I just found
my wedding dress
covered in barf!
And something else,
something sticky.
(SNIFFING)
It's jizz.
You puked on my dress
and then fucked it!
(LAUGHS)
You're a madman.
Uh. . .
No, no, no, no. No.
Sweetheart, it wasn't
my boy.
You shut up.
Donny, just shut up!
Who wants a piece
of this, huh?
(SCREAMING)
Who wants a piece?
Whoa, no, no, no!
It's okay, buddy.
Todd just
fucked the dress.
It's under control.
Oh.
What is Vanilla Ice
doing in our room?
He's, um. . .
My other best friend.
Yeah. And a wicked
good rapper.
Give it up for him.
Come on, now.
Let's give it up.
DONNY: My boy.
I don't know
what's going on here,
but I don't have time
to deal with this, so. . .
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, this
is what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
I'm gonna go to Pilates.
You're gonna take that
dress to the dry cleaners!
And then we're gonna have
rehearsal dinner tonight,
and you're gonna be
the normal Todd from
three days ago, right?
Mmm-hmm.
And you can start
by taking out
that stupid
Duran Duran earring !
I was thinking
it's more Foreigner.
No? No, no, Duran Duran's
a good call, though.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Uh, guess
I'm gonna go finish up
with Grandma Delores.
Yeah.
Is that all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have fun, buddy. Have fun.
Not too much, though.
Don't hurt her.
No, no. I get it right
and keep it tight.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
(SIGHS) Look, I-I need
a couple hours to fix this.
Oh, hey, we've all been
in that situation,
and you'll be fine, kid.
I'll whip up some pancakes
for everyone else,
all right?
All right.
I love it.
You jizzed on a mannequin.
Respect it.
But you were only 1 3.
She took advantage of you.
No, all right. That's what
the law says, Su-Jin,
but I don't know. . .
We were kind of like
soul mates.
You know, there was. . .
There was a connection there.
I never had it
with anyone else.
(PASSIONATE MOANING
RING TONE PLAYING)
I'm getting a call.
I'm sorry, guys.
Do not touch these plates.
I'm cleaning them.
Okay, Su-Jin?
Go for Donny B.
TODD: Wassup!
Oh, hey, big man.
What's going on?
How'd it go with the lady?
You patch things up?
Yeah, pretty much.
It was amazing.
The dry cleaner said
they've, uh,
definitely seen that combo
of fluid before.
You see? Yeah,
those things go together
like gin and tonic.
Hey, uh, listen,
while l got you,
I left you a little
best man gift
on your dresser.
I think you'll get
a kick out of it.
You did not. Oh, my God.
My whole body, like,
got a shocked feeling
over that.
Buddy, no one gets me a gift.
Where are you, anyways?
Oh, I'm in the car.
I decided to go
see Mom after all.
You did what?
Oh, my God.
Dukes of Hazzard!
(GRUNTS)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Hansie.
Donny, what are
you doing here?
We got to get
out of here now.
What? What are
you talking about?
It's your
wedding weekend, dude.
You come here
after the wedding.
You show your mother
your new ring.
That would make her happy.
Wait, are you nervous
to see her?
Hansie, can we just
blow this place off
and have a beer, please?
I'm begging you.
Look. Is that her?
(I WAS MADE FOR
LOVING YOU PLAYING)
Mmm, yeah
Ha
Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh,
ooh, ooh-ooh...
Oh, my God.
There you are.
My little Hansie,
you're all grown up.
Hi, Mom.
I didn't know
if I'd ever see you again.
I know. I'm sorry
I stopped visiting.
It just got too hard.
Oh, no,
I totally understand.
Wow.
You still have my eyes.
(CHUCKLES)
Is that the earring
that I gave you
after the Loverboy concert?
Yes, it is, Miss McGarricle.
You know, I think
about you every day.
Fuck, I love you so much,
Miss McGarricle.
I never stopped.
Oh. . . Oh,
I love you, too.
Do you remember. . .
Oh, God, here we go.
. . .all the nasty things
that I taught you, Donny?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course I do,
Miss McGarricle.
Are you still my dirty boy?
Yeah, I'm the dirtiest boy
you'll ever know,
Miss McGarricle.
Donny.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
Mmm. Oh.
Uh-huh.
I'm hard right now.
I'm hard.
Okay. Yeah,
I'm hating that, so. . .
But it is really good
to see you, Mom. I. . .
It's good
to see you, too, baby.
Can you describe
what you're feeling
right now, Han?
TV's Randall Morgan?
What are you doing here?
Must be quite emotional
for you to be face-to-face
with the woman who molested
your father, isn't it?
What is going on right now?
Who is this dude?
Listen, before you
get mad at me. . .
This is why
you came to see me?
For some reality TV ambush?
No.
How much
they paying you, Donny?
Nothing, I swear to God.
I'm not getting. . .
$50,000 to deliver you
to this prison.
All right, it was 50 grand,
but I'm not. . . I'm not. . .
I'm not going to do it.
I swear to God.
I'm not. . . I would
never take his money.
Donny Berger,
what have you done?
Hansie, dude, it's me.
It's the guy from last night.
We had fun.
Don't. . . Don't fuck it.
I'm telling you, this is. . .
This is something
that can be fixed.
You're unreal.
Hansie.
What. . .
You go after him, Donny,
and you take care of our son.
Hansie.
(RANDALL LAUGHING)
Come on,
he is pissed. Fuck!
Take care
of our baby, Donny!
DONNY: Hansie!
Hansie, please,
let me explain to you. . .
I can't believe I let you
back into my life again.
Guy, guy, just come on.
Listen to me.
I owe the IRS
a lot of money.
Of course you do.
I know, I know.
I'm a fuck-up.
But if I don't give them
43 G's by Tuesday,
I'm going to prison.
Wait, so you're telling me,
if I give you 43 grand,
you don't have to go to jail?
I will pay you back,
I swear to God.
Would you. . .
Would you loan me the money?
No! Fuck you !
Get your shit
out of my boss's house!
Okay!
(TASER ZAPPING)
No! Don't do that.
That's my boy there.
(FARTING)
Oh. . . Oh, no.
I think he just
shit his pants.
Tell me you
got that on camera.
You made me throw out
my extra underwear!
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were going to
shit yourself again.
That was awesome.
(LAUGHING)
That was awesome.
Donny, couldn't have gone
any better. Loved it.
You know what I need
from you, Todd, is I need you
to sign
the release form right. . .
Fuck you !
Get away from me!
Get those cameras off me!
I hate you. . . Dad.
DONNY: Hansie!
I can't pay you a dime
unless I got a release form.
Fuck.
Did I get any shit on me?
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
(UNSATlSFlED PLAYING)
Let me off here.
Let me off.
Let me get off.
I'll fucking run up.
Keep it running.
I got to pick my shit up.
Look me in the eye
Then tell me
that l'm satisfied
Was you satisfied?
Look me in the eye...
(LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)
JAMIE: Oh,
you're so adorable.
No, I know,
but I told you
not to call me
on this line.
What if Todd picks up?
No, no, no, I. . .
I want to.
No, Steve.
Todd doesn't
know anything.
I don't care
if he finds out
after the wedding.
There's nothing he can do
about it then anyway.
Oh, you're so sweet.
Steve, huh?
Well, Steve Spirou,
I'm going to fuck you up.
I'm going to fuck you up!
STEVE: Well, I got
some great news.
I've made my decision
on who my new partner is.
Phil !
(GASPS)
Phil, I knew
you could do it.
STEVE: (LAUGHING)
Look at Phil's face.
I'm just busting
your balls, Phil.
No, I'd never pick you.
Oh, no.
It's you, Todd. Partners.
(GASPING)
Oh.
Partner.
Oh, my gosh.
It's going to be
a lot more hours
and a lot more
responsibility.
You know that, right?
And. . . a lot more money!
(LAUGHING)
STEVE: Oh !
Somebody's going shopping !
Yeah !
(STEVE SIGHS)
I thought he left.
Yeah, that's what
you wish, Steve.
I need to talk
to you, homeboy. Yeah.
Hey, Jamie.
Listen. Listen.
Dude, this is not
about you and me,
all right?
You're not marrying
the right girl.
She is cheating on you.
You are unbelievable.
Can't you just let it go?
This is my last chance
to be normal.
Are you determined
to ruin my life?
Honey, what's going on?
Nothing.
Don't "honey" him,
you little snake
in the grass.
I heard your phone call.
"Oh, Steve, why'd you
call on this line?
"Todd could have picked up."
That's right, sonny boy.
Your wife-to-be's
fucking your boss.
Right there.
Fuck you, buddy.
You are an idiot!
Is that right, sweetheart?
Yes, it is.
Yeah, yeah. Why?
I was on the phone
with Steve.
Aha!
Steve Goldstein,
the Boston HeraId
wedding reporter.
Yeah, he's doing
a piece on the most
beautiful places
to get married,
and I didn't
want Todd to know
because he doesn't like
being in the paper.
So, I am sorry that I wanted
everyone in the world
to know I married
the perfect guy.
Honey, do you think
you can forgive me
for keeping
such a big secret from you?
Okay, uh, due to this
newfound evidence,
the conclusion might be
that I'm an asshole.
Bye.
Fine.
Have a good wedding.
I'll leave with pride.
I'm a good person.
Bye! I'll see you tomorrow!
(HOLLERING)
(JAMIE SIGHS)
TODD: Wow, what
a stressful day, huh?
Can't wait to get back
to the beach house.
Oh, thank you.
Bye.
Just the two
of us, you know?
Oh, no, honey.
I'm staying in the city
tonight, remember?
What? No.
Yeah, the bride and groom,
they're supposed
to sleep separate
night before the wedding.
So see you
tomorrow, big guy.
I'm going to drop Jamie
at the Fairmont Copley.
Mom and Dad, you guys
got the hedgehog. Okay!
Love you.
CHAD: Watch the door.
Love you. Ow. Okay.
Sleep well.
Wait, but don't they
not have a car?
(EXHALING SHARPLY)
All right, Donny, go.
There's your chance. Go.
I ain't got
no more chances, buddy.
The kid hates my guts.
Right? 'Cause you guys
don't have a car.
I'm not talking
about him, Donny.
Wake up, man.
What?
Jamie's the gatekeeper
for your son.
Yeah?
Win her over,
then she'll convince Han
to give you another chance.
Boom !
How am I ever going
to get her trust?
She freaking hates me.
Donny, you want to know
what all women love?
Ice cream.
(lCE CREAM MAN PLAYING)
Dedicate one to the ladies
Now, summertime's
here, babe
Need something
to keep you cool...
Hi. I'm Todd Peterson.
No, you're not.
You're Donny Berger.
You fucked your teacher
in the seventh grade.
Better look out
now, though
Dave's got something
for you...
Hi. I'm Todd Peterson.
Hi, Mr. Peterson.
What can I do for you?
What room was
my fiancee in again?
Let me check. 641 .
You're a fucking stud.
Stop me when
l'm passing by...
Hey, when the legendary
Donny Berger comes in here
using a fake name,
you go with it!
All right, I will.
Hold on a second, baby
l got good lemonade,
ah, Dixie cups
641 . 641 .
All right,
come on, sweetheart.
(THUD)
JAMIE: Oh, yeah !
Oh ! Oh !
What, did Todd
come out here?
You're half
the size of Todd,
but you use it
so much better!
I guess not.
Oh ! Oh, my God !
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God !
Oh, my God.
Oh, fucking shit!
Fucking shit.
Fucking shit!
Fucking shit.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(HORNS HONKING)
(CAP CLINKING)
(GRUNTS) Okay.
(JAMIE SQUEALING)
Yeah ! (LAUGHS)
You do not deserve
these treats.
(MOANING)
Are you finished,
sweetheart?
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God.
(CHUCKLES)
Your fiance's at home,
you know.
This really gets me upset.
You know why?
'Cause he's too good for you.
He is.
And you're sitting here
gallivanting with. . .
I think I know who.
Don't I,
Mr. Steve Goldstein?
Wait. Are you. . .
What am I seeing?
No. . . It, uh. . .
Uh. . .
With each other?
Am I. . . This is. . .
(GRUNTS)
Is he your
stepbrother at least
or, uh, adopted
or something?
No reply.
So it's real.
Oh, my God. (GAGS)
Uh, Donny, Donny,
you don't. . .
You don't understand
what's going on here.
I don't think Charlie Sheen
would understand
what's going on here.
Look, I love Todd,
and we're going
to get married,
and we're going to have
a great life together.
And yes, I've had sex
with Chad from time to time.
(GAGGING)
It's what
good-looking people do.
They have sex with
other good-looking people.
You know? Just so happens
that this one particular
good-looking person
is my little brother.
Oh, okay.
It's all making sense
to me now.
(RETCHES)
I know that sounded bad,
but, Donny, this was
going to be the last time.
I would never carry on
with a married woman.
I've got better morals
than that, Donny.
Chad, adultery is bad. . .
Mmm-hmm.
. . .but incest is fucked up!
Oh. . . Oh, please
don't let him tell Mommy
about our secret
tickle time.
Secret tickle time?
You got a name for it?
(GAGS)
And with a United States
military man, no less.
You are a disgrace
to that uniform !
No, he's not a Marine.
He buys those
uniforms on eBay
so Dad doesn't find out
he's a modern jazz dancer.
What?
That's possibly worse
than the incest thing.
This is an abomination.
I'm telling Todd.
No, he won't believe you.
Yeah, he will.
No, he bought
that Steve Goldstein story.
Come on, you think he got
that partnership on his own?
With that
"beep boop beep" shit?
No, I gave him a boost.
How many people
have you fucked?
Well, maybe. . .
he'll believe this.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Nice. Save.
(GASPS)
You two have fun together.
Sickies.
JAMIE: All right, how much?
I'm going to be
a very rich woman.
I can write you
a big fat check.
What's it going to take
for this to go away?
Todd has to pop a Xanax
when he loses a contact lens.
What do you think
he's going to do when
he finds out about this?
Todd's happy.
You really want
to take that away?
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(LAUGHTER)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey, buddy.
I got something
to tell you, and. . .
I'm not expecting you
to believe this, but. . .
I got the money.
JIM OVER PHONE:
That's great, Donny.
Your son came through
for you, didn't he?
Yeah. His fiancee
gave me $50,000
to keep quiet
about her having sex
with her brother.
Yeah, I've been there.
We've all been there.
She said it was
her last time, so. . .
Oh. Maybe things
will work out.
Then how come I feel
like shit right now?
Yeah, it's kind of
a moral thicket.
But the good news is,
you stay out of the slammer,
right, Donny?
Donny?
"Go do something."
I don't know, Mr. Mitty.
I don't know
if I can fucking handle it.
"Be a good person."
JIM OVER PHONE: Donny?
Oh, no, no, don't hit me.
No, no.
Just give me a moment,
please, Todd.
Just a moment. Relax.
You know, after praying
with the monsignor,
I realize that
I committed the sin
of prideful anger
in the church,
and I hope that you'll
accept my apology
and allow me the honor
of being a part
of this joyous day.
Oh, well,
what about Father Shakalu?
Oh, stupid bird.
Come on, fly!
Oh, well, uh, he's cool.
Great. Sounds good.
Oh, oh. . .
By the way, Todd, uh,
was it you that hit me
in the head with the bottle?
Oh. No.
Well, then, um, who, then?
It was Chad.
Interesting.
Two, three, four.
Fosse, and Fosse,
and Fosse.
Interesting.
Yo! Donny Berger!
All right!
I'd sign something
for you, buddy,
but I got no time right now.
Ice!
Ice, you in there, buddy?
I need you !
You still got the 5.0?
What does that mean?
Is that a yes or no?
I don't understand the pose.
Yeah?
Let's go, let's go!
(ENGINE REVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(EVERYTHING LOUDER THAN
EVERYTHlNG ELSE PLAYING)
(HORN BLARING)
Go, baby, go!
l know that l will never
be politically correct
And l don't give a damn
about my lack of etiquette
As far as I'm concerned,
the world could still be flat
And if the thrill is gone
Then it's time
to take it back
lf the thrill is gone
Then it's time
to take it back
Who am l? Why am l here?
Oh, no!
(TRUCK HORN BLARING)
(BOTH SHOUTING)
(DONNY LAUGHS)
What's the meaning of life?
What's the meaning
of it all?
You got to learn to dance
before you learn to crawl
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Look at this fucking guy!
(HORN BLARING)
Oh, man !
Don't worry
about the future
Sooner or later,
it's the past
lf they say
the thrill is gone
Then it's time
to take it back
lf the thrill is gone
Then it's time
to take it back
Oh, no, no,
no, no, no!
We're stuck!
We're stuck!
To hell with the 5.0.
Let's run for it, man.
But we need
great tunes!
Come on, let's get them !
(MUSIC STOPS)
VANILLA ICE: Right here,
I got a Walkman.
DONNY: The Walkman !
Yeah, baby.
(ICE ICE BABY PLAYING)
Let's kick it
Let's go!
lce, lce, baby
Damn it, man !
Come on ! Let's go!
Oh, my God !
All right, stop
Collaborate and listen
Hey!
Whoa!
Something grabs
a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon
daily and nightly
Will it ever stop?
Yo, I don't know
Turn off the lights,
and l'll glow
To the extreme,
l rock a mic...
GIRLS:
You forgot to pay!
So, Jamie, do you promise
to provide Todd here
with unending empathy,
encouragement and honesty,
till death do you part?
I do.
(SIGH)
lf there was a problem
Yo, I'll solve it
Hey, Donny.
Come on !
lce, lce, baby
Whoa!
(GRUNTS)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(PANTING)
What are you doing, guy?
You jumped?
There was a door right here!
Come on,
we got to get there!
(GROANING)
And you, Todd,
do you promise to love,
honor and protect
this special lady
for the rest of your life?
DONNY: Don't answer
that question !
(CROWD MURMURING)
(PANTING)
Oh, shit.
(WHEEZING)
We ran well over. . .
a mile.
(WHEEZING)
I object to these two
getting married.
(CROWD GASPS)
No, uh, we are,
we're past that
part already.
What are my options, then?
How about leaving?
You shut the hell up,
you satanic hose-bag !
Hey!
Gerald ! I'm sorry
it sounded so harsh,
but you'll understand
why I said that
in a few minutes.
There ain't gonna be
a few minutes,
you goddamn
son of a bitch !
Calm down !
Calm down !
(CROWD GASPS)
Let the boy talk.
DONNY: I can't let you
marry this chick.
I can't believe
you're doing this.
Listen to me, buddy.
You don't love this girl.
I'm telling you.
I had love,
it's different.
It's a different feeling.
Love is like. . .
It just leads you
to a special connection.
It's full of, like,
feelings of awesomeness.
And the feelings
you. . .
That wrap around you.
It's deep
in your stomach.
It's in your head.
It's in your fucking
nut sack.
It's in your dick
when it gets hard.
There's still love
at the tip.
And it fucking
sprinkles out
like morning dew
shooting all over the grass.
Okay, I've had just about
enough of this.
Phil, sit down
before I tell your wife
what you did
at the strip club.
Okay.
(CROWD GASPS)
Son, I'm sorry,
I just, I can't let you
marry this skank.
"Son?"
Your son?
Son?
What is he talking about?
Honey?
You can tell me.
I'll forgive you.
That's what
love's about, right?
Forgiveness.
All right, fine.
Donny's not my best friend.
He's my father.
(CROWD GASPS)
Oh, my. . .
My parents didn't die
in an explosion.
I lied because
I'm the product of
an inappropriate
teacher-student relationship.
Teacher-student
relationship?
Do you know how
gross that sounds?
You're disgusting !
Are you fucking
kidding me right now?
She can still
cancel that check, Donny!
Chad.
Cancel what check?
I don't. . .
She gave me 50 grand
to keep my mouth shut.
(CROWD GASPS)
50 grand? Jamie.
Yeah, it was, uh. . .
I was gonna hold on to it,
you know, to get me
out of jail, but. . .
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I think of that.
That's how much I hate
this fucking whore.
Wait. Keep your mouth
shut about what?
JAMIE: Todd, don't
listen to him.
He's a liar and he's crazy!
Father McNally,
please continue.
I promise to do
all that shit you mentioned
and so does Todd, right?
Wait, what is going on?
Tell him.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't tell him,
don't tell him.
You tell him
or I'll tell everybody here.
It's up to you.
(STUTTERS SOFTLY)
Come on.
(WHISPERS)
Oh. Okay.
Well, that's not that bad.
What? You didn't tell him,
you fucking lying
piece of shit!
Get on it now
or I'll fucking
crush you !
No.
Jame, you can tell me.
I mean, how bad could it be?
What?
Okay, she told him.
What?
(GROANS LOUDLY)
You fuck your brother?
(CROWD GASPS LOUDLY)
Oh, my God !
Fucking white people.
(LAUGHS)
I'm not looking
so bad now, am I, Dad?
(LAUGHS)
I'm. . .
I'm out of here.
Mom, she started all this.
I didn't want to.
I'm still your
little soldier, I. . .
Fuck!
Take that uniform off.
You're insulting us all.
No, no, no.
Don't you see?
It's gonna be
even better now.
You're a mess, I'm a mess.
Come on. Doc Shakalu,
get your ass up here!
I got to be
part of this shit?
Todd?
Please.
Come on, baby.
Come on, Todd,
let's do this.
Yeah, yeah.
No!
Let's not do this.
Okay?
And for the record,
my name's not Todd Peterson.
It's Han Solo.
Named after the man who made
the Kessel Run
in less than 1 2 parsecs.
And I am a Berger,
like my father before me.
Also, I want to tell
everyone here that I've got
a pretty huge New Kids on
the Block tattoo on my back.
The heads are warped,
but fuck you, guys,
it's funny.
(CHUCKLES)
It is fucking hilarious.
Oh, and Steve?
Uh, nothing personal, man,
but I quit!
Aw, no, no. Come on, Todd,
don't be like that, huh?
Ah ! We quit, too.
Fuck you !
VANILLA ICE:
Good call, Han Solo,
'cause your fiancee
banged him, too.
(CROWD GASPS)
What?
I didn't know about
the brother thing, though.
I am as sickened as you,
believe me.
You know what?
It's all right, Steve.
'Cause guess what?
Donny and Vanilla Ice
fucked your mom !
(CROWD GASPS)
Vanilla Ice
banged Grandma?
That's fucking awesome!
(LAUGHS)
Donny, look out!
(SCREAMING)
(BOTTLE CLANKS)
Word to your mother,
brotherfucker!
I'm sorry. I know I'm not
supposed to hit a chick,
but I-I got to tell you,
it felt good.
(CHUCKLES)
I mean, I wouldn't
do it again,
but with this psycho,
you know, it was warranted.
Donny!
I'm gonna kill you !
(CROWD GASPS)
(BOTTLE CLANKS)
At ease, bitch.
Dude! That's it!
Nice!
Hang on, though.
Hang on.
Oh, no, don't hurt me.
Even Steven.
DONNY: Father,
take off the collar.
That's right.
You're not meant for this.
Well. . .
Yeah.
Nicely done.
All right, come on.
Let's get out of here, Dad.
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?
My son called me Dad !
He called me Dad !
That's right!
The Berger boys
are back, bitches!
BOTH: Wassup?
Wassup?
Wassup. . .
(HOLD YOUR HEAD UP PLAYING)
Hold your head up
Oh, hoId your head up
(LAUGHTER)
Shut up.
His boss and her brother?
It sounds like
a Rodney Dangerfield joke,
but it actually happened
to my boy here!
(LAUGHTER)
N-Now we got to find Han Solo
one of them new girls.
One that don't care about
all that money he make.
(CHUCKLES)
No, no.
Yeah, like a girl version
of Todd Bridges would be
perfect.
BRIDGES: That's right!
Female version of me.
That's right.
Well, you know,
I actually might be
doing okay in that
department, so. . .
DONNY:
What's that?
What the fuck. . .
What the heck?
Oh !
Todd and Brie,
sitting in a tree.
(LAUGHS)
I have balls
down to my knee!
(LAUGHTER)
What?
DONNY: Ah,
he said it! Yeah !
KENNY: Donny!
Yeah, buddy?
You're my best friend.
I'm gonna miss you.
I know, I know.
But there's good news.
You know what,
Miss McGarricle gets
out in three years,
so the timing's
kind of perfect
for us to start
our lives together.
Dad, let me just
give you the money.
No. No.
I'm not gonna do that.
It's time
for Donny Berger
to take responsibility
for his screw-ups.
I made my bed,
now I got to lie in it.
Donny! Donny!
Are you watching?
Turn on the TV!
Turn it on !
ANNOUNCER: There he is,
the fat guy we've been
talking about all day,
Tubby Tuke,
actually gaining
on the Ethiopians
here in the final stretch.
Is-is this the fat guy
I put the money on?
20 bucks at 8,000-to-1 .
Beep boop beep
boop beep.
1 60 grand?
1 60 grand?
DONNY: Come on,
you fat shit, move it!
ALL: Go, Tubby! Go, Tubby!
(CLAMORING)
Keep running !
Keep running !
Pass those Ethiopians!
Pass them skinny
fucking Ethiopians!
(CLAMORING)
Oh, this defies every law of
science, but it's happening !
Oh !
Get the fuck up!
Get the fuck up!
(CHEERING)
Oh, he's up!
He's up! He's up!
That'll replenish him !
That'll replenish him !
No!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, Iisten
to the roar of that crowd.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Fat guy! Fat guy!
Fat guy! Fat guy!
ANNOUNCER:
Can he possibIy win it?
He's gonna do it!
Tubby Tuke has won!
(CHEERING)
(LOVE SONG PLAYING)
Love will find a way
Tubby Tuke wins!
Tubby Tuke wins!
Love is gonna find a way
(DANCE THE NlGHT AWAY PLAYING)
Have you seen her?
So fine and pretty
Fooled me with
her style and ease
And l feel her
from across the room
Yes, it's love
in the third degree
Ooh, baby, baby
Won't you turn
your head my way?
Ooh, baby, baby
Ah, come on
Take a chance
You're old enough to
Dance the night away
Whoa-oh
Come on, girI
Dance the night away
A live wire,
barely a beginner
But just watch that lady go
She's on fire,
'cause dancin'
gets her higher than
Anything else she knows
Ooh, baby, baby
Won't you turn
your head my way?
Ooh, baby, baby
Well, don't skip
romance 'cause
You're old enough to
Dance the night away
Oh-oh-oh
Come on, girI
Dance the night away
Dance, dance,
dance the night away
Ah, come on
Dance the night away
Dance, dance,
dance the night away
Ah, come on, baby, baby
Dance the night away
Dance, dance,
dance the night away
(LAWD HA VE MERCY PLAYING)