1
(GROWLING)
(SPOOKY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING)
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: (SINGING)
There's no bell
When you call for me
You'll be falling for miles
(SPOOKY LAUGHTER ON ALARM)
I'm bewitched by your misery
But I love it when you smile
Let me know
what you want from me
Whisper "love" in my ears
Before you try
to get your hooks in me
I should warn you, my dear
My heart is a haunted house
Once you're in,
you ain't getting out
It's the trap
you've been waiting for
Ain't no windows,
ain't no doors
No escaping the way you feel
It's like a dream,
but you hope it's real
My, my, my heart
- M-m-m-my heart is a haunted
- CHOIR: Haunted house
(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
CHRISTINA AGUILERA:
M-m-m-my heart is a haunted
- CHOIR: Haunted house
- (VILLAGERS GASPING)
(VILLAGERS GRUMBLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PLAYING WEDDING MARCH)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
My love.
Cara mia.
(GASPS) The ring! The ring!
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Oh, Thing!
Best hand always has the ring!
PRIEST: Dearly be-loathed,
it is indeed a rare privilege
to see our family
gathered together
for this Addams tradition.
To commence this ceremony
and deliver these two
into the yawning void
of matrimony,
we put the lime in the coconut
and drink them both up.
(SLURPING)
(GUESTS GULPING)
(SOBBING)
(SUCKING)
I now pronounce you...
VILLAGER 1: Monsters!
VILLAGER 2: Freaks!
VILLAGER 3: Get out, Addams!
VILLAGER 4: You've been here
long enough!
VILLAGER 5: We've had
enough of your kind!
Addams aren't wanted here!
VILLAGER 6: Leave already!
(QUICKLY) I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
Quick, put the lime
in the coconut
and drink 'em both up!
(VILLAGERS CLAMORING)
Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
VILLAGER 7: This is our home!
VILLAGER 8: You're not wanted!
VILLAGER 9:
We don't want you here!
Everyone, to the bridge!
(ALL GASP)
Fire!
VILLAGER: Fire!
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
(FESTER YELLING)
(ALL YELLING)
(VILLAGERS GASPING)
You two love bats
better fly out of here!
I'll hold them off!
Mazurka! (SCREAMS)
(VILLAGERS WHIMPERING)
(GRANDMA ULULATING)
Grab onto my hairy hump!
(FESTER GRUNTING)
I think I can see
my house from here. (ECHOING)
Oh, no.
That's a women's prison.
Oh, Gomez, why do hordes
of angry villagers
follow us everywhere we go?
We are safe, my love,
that is all that matters.
I want to find a new home
that is shrouded
from the world.
Someplace that is truly us.
Yes! Somewhere horrible!
Somewhere corrupt!
Somewhere that no one
in their right mind
would be caught dead in!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
GOMEZ: Unhappy, darling?
MORTICIA: Yes, completely.
Oh, Gomez,
you have torn down my walls
and stabbed your name
onto my heart.
(GOMEZ KISSING AND MOANING)
GOMEZ: My wan temptress,
your hand is as cold
as a dead fish.
My love, that is a dead fish.
Mmm, mmm...
So it is.
(GOMEZ CONTINUES KISSING)
Darling,
is that a wrinkle
I see on your pallid brow?
What's wrong?
We can't run forever, my love.
I want a home again.
I want our children
to grow up in peace.
I want to pick out
cemetery plots.
Morticia, I swear on my life
I will find us a new home.
And your every wish
shall be granted.
Mon amour.
(GASPS) French. You know
what that does to me. (GROWLS)
(MORTICIA SPEAKING FRENCH)
MALE SINGER ON RADIO:
(SINGING) Wild thing
You make my heart...
(TIRES SCREECHING)
- (MORTICIA GASPS)
- BOTH: We hit something!
- Is he all right?
- (MAN MOANS)
No, he seems
perfectly demented.
"State Hospital for
the Criminally Insane."
Gomez.
GOMEZ: That must be
the asylum.
MORTICIA: Oh, thank goodness.
A decent place
to sleep for the night.
(MOANING AND ROARING)
Hmm?
Thank you, old boy.
Lead the way.
(GROANS)
GOMEZ: It's quiet. Too quiet.
MORTICIA:
Must be the off-season.
(DOOR CREAKS, SLAMS)
GOMEZ: Hello?
(RATS SQUEAKING)
There's no one here.
Could it be abandoned?
GOMEZ: It's creepy. Kooky.
MORTICIA: Mysterious. Spooky.
(ORGAN PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC)
- (STOPS PLAYING)
- Huh?
(PLAYS BEETHOVEN'S
5th SYMPHONY)
(PLAYS BACH'S
TOCCATA AND FUGUE)
(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)
(PLAYS HALLELUJAH CHORUS)
(PLAYS CLASSICAL TUNE)
(PLAYS CLASSICAL TUNE)
(PLAYS FANFARE)
(PLAYING ASCENDING SCALE)
(CONTINUES PLAYING)
- (PLAYING ADDAMS FAMILY THEME)
- (SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(RUMBLING)
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
It's hideous.
It's horrible.
BOTH: It's home.
(RESUMES PLAYING
ADDAMS FAMILY THEME)
(RHYTHMIC THUNDERCLAP)
(ROMANTIC FLAMENCO
MUSIC PLAYING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(KITTY ROARS)
(THUNDERCLAP)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(BABY COOING)
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
(THUNDERCLAP)
(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGERS EXCLAIMING)
(WOMAN SHRIEKS)
(WIND HOWLING)
(BAT SQUEAKS)
What a lovely morning!
(SLAMS)
Nice try.
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
Oh, you're always so grumpy
before your morning coffee.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Better?
(SLURPING)
(SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE EXHALES)
(ALARM BLARING)
(MOANS FRUSTRATEDLY)
MORTICIA: (ON SPEAKERS)
Lurch,
it's time for breakfast.
(MOANING)
MORTICIA: Thing.
Have Ichabod
wake the children.
Lurch, would you mind
dusting the house?
LURCH: Mmm.
Slowly, Cleopatra.
I wouldn't want my favorite
African Strangler to choke.
(LURCH MOANS)
(VACUUM WHIRRING)
(SNORING)
(GASPS, SCREAMS)
WEDNESDAY: (SIGHS)
All right, Ichabod. I'm awake.
Not for long. (GRUNTS)
Real mature, Pugsley.
Oh, please.
You never threw an axe
when you were my age?
Of course I did.
I never missed.
How I wish something
would liven up
this already tedious day.
(YELPS)
(GRUNTS)
Thanks for trying, Ichabod.
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
(RINGING)
Hmm.
(GATE THUDDING)
- (GATE CREAKING)
- (GASPS)
(RAVENS CAWING)
GOMEZ: Pugsley?
Pugsley! It's time
for sword practice.
Pugsley!
PUGSLEY: Let the games begin.
(CHUCKLES WICKEDLY)
(EXPLOSION)
(RUMBLING)
(BEEPS)
Here's Pugsley!
(DETONATOR BEEPS)
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
GOMEZ: All right, son.
That's enough.
(SIGHS) They blow up
so fast these days.
(WIND WHISTLING)
(RAPID BEEPING)
Don't make me come up there!
(RAPID BEEPING)
This is your last warning!
(PARACHUTE TEARS)
(CRASHES)
(GROANING)
My head. Ow, ow, ow.
Pugsley, we're supposed to be
working on your swordplay.
Your Sabre Mazurka
is two weeks away,
and you've barely
practiced at all.
So I missed one practice.
What's the big deal?
The big deal?
The Sabre Mazurka
is the most important day
in a young man's life.
It's what makes you an Addams.
It's the day your entire
family gathers around you
and passes judgment on
your worth as a human being.
I hear it's like Thanksgiving.
But swords
are so old-fashioned.
I'm more of a demolitions man.
Explosives have no place
in a Mazurka. Hand them over.
- All of them.
- (METAL CLATTERING)
And the TNT.
- And the M-80s.
- (CLATTERING CONTINUES)
Roman candles. Bang snaps.
Holy Hand Grenades.
- (SQUEAKING)
- (ROOSTER CROWS)
Son, our family hasn't been
all together in 13 years.
They are coming
from all over the world
to see you
on your special day.
I just want it
to go perfectly.
All right, Pop.
I'll practice.
That's my boy.
(METAL CLATTERS, BEEPING)
(RAPID BEEPING)
MORTICIA: (SNIFFS) Putrid.
Mmm. Horrifying.
I call spleen.
Mmm...
- Ah, ow...
- MORTICIA: Wednesday.
Please, no ink stains
on the table.
- Yes, Mother.
- (PUGSLEY MUMBLES)
(THUD)
Gomez, everyone we've invited
to the Mazurka
has threatened to come.
I know. Isn't it wonderful?
(SIGHS)
All Addamses
under one roof again.
Yes, but where will
everyone sleep?
We'll have Lurch fix up
the mausoleum.
It'll be like
sleepaway camp.
(EXPLOSIVE BEEPING)
- Very well, darling.
- (RAPID BEEPING)
- (EXPLOSION)
- (FESTER SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
BOTH: Uncle Fester!
Brother!
(GROANING)
Don't worry, I'm okay.
The plate glass window
broke my fall.
Ha! Ha!
BOTH: (SINGING) Rick'em,
rack'em, roar'em, buzz
Addams is as Addams does
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
- I am thrilled you're here!
- (GRUNTS)
(FESTER CHUCKLES)
I'm not late, am I?
Actually, we weren't expecting
you for another two weeks.
Huh. So, not late.
I apologize, darling.
You see,
I asked Fester to come early
to help Pugsley
with his Mazurka practice.
Hey! (GRUNTING)
No! No!
(MUFFLED) Bad Kitty!
That's a bad Kitty!
If I'd known you were coming,
I would have prepared
the dungeon.
Please, don't worry.
I'll sleep in the attic.
You won't even know I'm here.
I've practiced that move
in a lot of people's homes.
- (CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)
- WEDNESDAY: Uncle,
can you tell us
what's beyond the gate?
- (TRAY CLATTERS)
- (LURCH GROANS)
Why ever would you
ask that, dear?
I heard a strange noise
in the fog earlier,
and I should like
to investigate.
There's nothing out there
but boring marshland.
There must be something.
We never go anywhere.
Who knows the untold horrors
we're missing out on.
MORTICIA: Darling,
we have all the horror
we need, right here.
Uncle Fester can go
wherever he likes.
Now, now,
there are some restrictions.
You know,
I can't go to the mall,
or a zoo, or a building...
When you're older,
you can travel
to your heart's content.
But for now,
it's safer for you here.
(SIGHS)
Socrates, come.
FESTER: ...South America,
Europe, China,
Asia, most parts of Africa.
I'm allowed in Antarctica!
(TV CLICKS)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: You're watching
Home, Art
and Garden television.
The world's a big place,
full of poor souls
who don't know the difference
between shiplap and Shinola.
Well, I'm here to help.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
I take your
uninspired living space
and turn it into the perfect
palace of your dreams.
No matter how outdated your
design sense, I can help you.
My only flaw?
Sometimes I care too much.
(LAUGHS)
I'm Margaux Needler,
and I'm about to stage
a Design Intervention!
You're welcome in advance.
Today, we're putting
the finishing touches
on our biggest project yet.
Assimilation.
We didn't just
make over a house.
We made over a whole town!
And in just two weeks,
on our live season finale,
you will be able to buy
your very own
piece of Assimilation.
That's right!
In a Design Intervention
first,
we are putting a whole
neighborhood up for sale.
This will be
your chance to purchase
the house of your dreams
in the town of your dreams!
Sounds good?
I thought so.
Welcome to Assimilation,
neighbor.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: This program
brought to you
by Neighborhood Peeps.
Your neighbors are watching!
GLENN: And, we're out!
Love it. Perfect.
Let's set up
for the walk-through.
Margaux,
did that feel good to you?
No, Glenn.
We need more balloons,
more confetti.
- Roger that.
- What are we selling here?
Big dreams. You know
how you get big dreams?
- Uh...
- With big ratings.
- Got it.
- Double the balloons.
And I want
a blizzard of confetti.
I want so much confetti
that we need
snow patrols
to find lost children.
I bet my home improvement
empire on this town.
Every house must sell
or we're out of business!
- It's got to be perfect!
- PARKER: Mom!
You're never
gonna believe this.
What is it, Parker?
I found a creepy mansion
up on the hill!
I'm so glad you're exploring,
Parker,
but I don't have time
to talk right now, sweetheart.
Mama needs to help people.
I need help.
Aren't I people?
MARGAUX: (CHUCKLES)
Oh, you're cute.
Don't you have Chipper 'N'
Cheer practice this afternoon?
Run along, honey.
Now, Glenn, what are
the numbers we're expecting?
- Well, if you look here...
- Mom!
(GLENN CONTINUES
TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Ugh!
(KIDS CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)
- (PUGSLEY STRAINING)
- (WOOD CREAKING)
PUGSLEY: Left a bit. Up a bit.
Now, down a bit.
- (SNICKERS) Perfect.
- (LURCH GROANS)
And three, two, one...
- (AIR HORN BLARING)
- (GASPS)
(GROANS)
You made me miss!
Do you know how long
it took for me to set this up?
Look, Pugsley...
Your Mazurka's coming up,
and, well, you're not ready.
Even if I am the only one
who sees it.
So, pay attention,
and you might actually
get through this.
PUGSLEY: Wait.
You're going to help me?
Why?
Because you are my brother.
And... (ECHOES) I love you.
(FOREBODING MUSIC BUILDS UP)
All right.
How are you gonna help me?
You see that hole over there?
Go stand beside it.
Uh... That hole?
That hole.
PUGSLEY: Mmm...
I don't get it.
(WIND BLOWING)
PUGSLEY: Whoa.
- (SHOVEL CLANGS)
- (BODY THUDS)
Darling, not to criticize,
(GRUNTS)
but is that really
as tight as you can make it?
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, Gomez.
I'm just a bit preoccupied
with the Mazurka preparations.
- Oh, I am as well! (EXCLAIMS)
- (CLAMP CREAKING)
I fear Pugsley
is overconfident
and doesn't truly understand
the importance
of this tradition.
Good news, everybody.
Pugsley's gone.
MORTICIA: Wednesday,
I know that tone of voice.
Dig up your brother. At once.
(SIGHS) You're weakening
the gene pool.
MORTICIA: Hold on.
What do you have there?
I'm not sure.
I like it.
It's so... What's the word?
The opposite of sad?
Darling, bring that to me.
Strange, there's usually
a murderous clown
attached to the other
end of these.
(GASPS) Wednesday, don't move!
What, in the name of
all that is unholy, is that?
(SMACKS LIPS)
It tastes like cotton candy.
How do you know
what cotton candy tastes like?
Tish, it was my youth.
I made mistakes.
Wednesday, wherever did
this pink thing come from?
WEDNESDAY: Outside.
They're everywhere.
(DOOR OPENS)
FESTER: Strangest weather
system I've ever seen.
(PUGSLEY SNARLING)
What is that?
Where's it coming from?
GOMEZ: Wait, wait, wait.
The fog, it's lifting.
Well, that would
only happen if...
Someone drained the marsh.
But who?
MORTICIA: A town.
This is not good.
We must go down there
and introduce ourselves
at once.
This day is becoming
most wonderfully disruptive.
(PLAYING LIVELY TUNE)
GLENN: Let's keep going
with the run-through, okay?
MARGAUX: Welcome back.
I'm so delighted
to show you my house.
You can own one just like it,
just less large.
Blah, blah, blah.
Sconces, crown molding.
Which leads us to what I call
the Salon de Grand.
Cross here, turn,
and then say something like,
"Now, before I show you
this view,
"go to an antique store,
"buy a chair,
and reupholster it.
"'Cause you're gonna
wanna sit down for this."
What? What's the matter?
For heaven's sake,
what's going on?
Do I have something
in my teeth? What is it?
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CAR HORN HONKS)
MORTICIA:
Not a single gargoyle.
GOMEZ: Maybe this isn't
such a bad thing.
We have been
isolated here for a while.
FESTER: I could really
see myself dying here.
Play nice, Kitty.
- (KITTY ROARS)
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Well, no one is running at us
with torches and pitchforks,
so that's a plus.
You know, darling,
I don't think we'll need
to put the family
in the mausoleum.
They can stay here!
The family
would never be comfortable.
It will be years
- before rust and decay set in.
- (WOMAN GASPS)
How you doing?
It's all so... different.
Pugsley, don't drink it all.
This gentleman
wants some, too.
- (WHIMPERS SOFTLY)
- GOMEZ: Sir, it's all right.
- He's had all his shots!
- (MAN YELPS)
What a nervous man.
Come on, Tish, let's
explore the neighborhood.
I'm gonna pop in here
for two minutes
and I'll meet you in
the town square. Agreed?
Very well, darling.
- (DOOR BELL JINGLES)
- Good day, all.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
Don't let me interrupt
your cup of joe
or whoever you have in there.
So, what's dark and bitter
here other than yours truly?
(NERVOUSLY) We have the
Madagascar Emerald Peaberry,
in a summer patchouli roast.
It has notes of oak,
cherry, and yoga.
Hmm. You know, I'm looking
for something a bit stronger.
Ah! Let me try that.
(CRUNCHING)
Mmm! Morticia, you have
to try these coffee grounds.
They have a wonderful grit!
Just a moment,
what am I hearing?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) This is where
we all belong, yeah
Everybody come together
Sing our song, sing our song
Life is really perfect
We are one big family, yeah
Everything is so much better
When I'm like you
and you're like me
What's so great
about being yourself
When you can be
like everyone else?
Wow, that is
absolutely horrible!
It's easy to be happy
when you have no choice
Yes, it's easy to be happy
when you have no choice
Hold on,
unless I miss my guess here,
I believe that is
supposed to be music.
They're greeting us with
one of their
traditional songs.
Well, then,
we ought to do the same.
Wonderful idea, Fester.
Isn't it great
when we are all together?
Say it again
until you believe it
- I believe it
- (ALL GRUNTING)
We believe it
(BLOWS PIPE)
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (PEOPLE EXCLAIM)
(SINGING)
I'd tip my hat to you
I'd do just that
(SCATTING)
Take it right off for you,
But I haven't got a hat
(SCATTING)
I'm just a college boy,
even at that
(SCATTING)
I'd tip my hat to you
But I haven't got a hat
- (SCATTING)
- (BATS SCREECHING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
What? What'd I do?
How rude.
Gomez, we should return home.
Morticia,
this is not the old country.
True, these people
are a little different.
But deep down,
we're all the same.
- (MAN SCREAMING)
- (KITTY ROARS)
We have to give them a chance.
Get to know them.
We have to win them over.
- "Win them over"?
- (BRAKES SQUEAL)
Well, good morning, neighbor!
Margaux Needler.
Gomez Addams.
At your service.
My wife, Morticia.
Charmed.
GOMEZ: Our children,
Wednesday, Pugsley.
And my brother, Fester.
- Hey, neighbor!
- (MARGAUX GASPS)
You know, we can see
right into your windows?
(NERVOUSLY)
Nice to, uh, meet you.
As your neighbor,
I'd like to offer you
the opportunity of a lifetime.
How'd you like
a free home makeover
from a world-renowned
interior designer?
It will be a challenge,
but I can beautify that
old house of yours so fast,
it'll make your head spin.
I don't wanna brag,
but mine already does that.
Look.
- (NECK CRACKING)
- (CHUCKLES)
I should like to see what this
plastic woman has to offer.
Yes, well... When is
a good time to stop by?
- Actually, Ms. Needler...
- (CLEARS THROAT)
Darling...
Stop by anytime you'd like.
Oh, wonderful!
Then it's settled.
I'll see you at your house,
first thing tomorrow.
You're welcome in advance! Ta!
- (TIRES SCREECH)
- (GLENN GASPS)
That woman seems deranged.
Her face reminds me
of a death mask.
"Deranged"? "Death mask"?
You tell me
she's got halitosis,
and I'm hearing wedding bells!
(RAVEN CROWING)
(PLAYS CEREMONIAL MUSIC)
GOMEZ: Pugsley, this is
the Addams family saber.
300 years of Addams
have danced the Mazurka
with this blade.
Uh-uh.
Only when
you've shown me you're ready.
Your father was the greatest
swordsman in Addams history.
His Mazurka
was the stuff of legends.
So no pressure!
It's all right here,
in the Mazurka handbook.
Every Addams performs
this rite of passage
to show that you're prepared
to defend your family.
It sounds easy,
but believe me, it's insane!
Fester, hand him
the goo-goo-ga-ga
baby training sword.
- (SWORD SQUEAKS)
- Pop?
Has anyone
ever failed the Mazurka?
Once.
Your third cousin, Xander.
Never heard of him.
Exactly.
Music!
(GONG CRASHES)
There's someone at the door.
Hi, guys. I'm going up
to this creepy mansion.
If you don't hear from me
in 30 minutes, send backup.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(SLURRING) You rang?
Yeah, no.
Life's too short. See ya!
(GROWLING SOFTLY)
MARGAUX: Oh!
GOMEZ: (CHUCKLES)
Good morning, Kitty.
Greetings, Ms. Needler.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Wow. (CLEARS THROAT)
Good morning!
I hope this isn't a bad time.
The worst. Do come in.
Glenn?
- (ROARS)
- (GLENN SHRIEKS)
- (PANTING)
- (MARGAUX CLEARS THROAT)
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Thank you.
Oh, my! Hmm.
Are you ready
for your Margaux makeover?
Quite.
Pugsley's been climbing
the walls in anticipation.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
MARGAUX: Well, well, well!
Let's take a look around,
shall we?
And before you say anything,
you're welcome.
Now, if we're trying for
a more contemporary look,
well, these sconces
have to go.
(MITCH YELPS)
The sconces were a gift
from dead relatives.
If we get rid of them,
they'll be terribly hurt
the next time they visit.
And this is our whine cellar.
We have a lovely
collection of whines.
WHINER 1: Are we there yet?
WHINER 2: I want ice cream!
WHINER 3: What do you mean
you're out of avocado toast?
WHINER 4: This barrel
makes me look fat.
And here's our bottomless pit.
(HOLLOW RUMBLING)
DENISE: Uh...
How do we get across?
One moment.
(CHITTERING)
We call this surfing the web.
(DENISE GULPS)
MARGAUX: Well!
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
DENISE: I'm scared.
- I'm so scared.
- (GLENN WHIMPERING)
- Oh, my gosh.
- (DENISE PRAYING IN SPANISH)
DENISE: I'm scared
to close my eyes.
I'm scared to open them.
(SCREAMING)
- (WHIMPERING)
- (DENISE YELPS)
(SOBS)
(ROPE CREAKING)
(SIGHS)
(GASPS)
How do all those people fit
in that little contraption?
(PARKER YELPS)
My vanity mirror only
imprisons 14 souls at a time.
(PARKER WHIMPERS)
Uh, you don't
have a cell phone?
That's weird.
I may not have a cell phone...
Well, you don't
have a crossbow,
and I thought
everybody had one of those.
Mmm.
My name is Wednesday.
Okay.
Uh, I'm Parker.
How long have you lived here?
My whole life.
Which seems endless.
PARKER: I've never
seen you at school.
I'm cage-schooled.
- Excuse me?
- It's terribly dull,
but my mother insists.
(SKIN SQUEAKS)
I'm actually
cutting cage right now.
(PUGSLEY SNARLING)
Uh, okay.
So, what happens
at your school?
Uh, not much, just friends
turning on each other.
Girls making other girls
feel bad about themselves.
Typical junior high stuff.
WEDNESDAY: Intriguing.
Can anyone go to your school?
I guess so. But who'd want to?
FESTER: Wednesday!
Great shot!
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(GIBBERISH CHANTING)
(MARGAUX SCREAMS)
(SCREECHING)
(MARGAUX PANTING)
Mr. and Mrs. Addams,
there's really not much to do
to make this place perfect.
All we have to do
is pull down the side walls,
and then also break down
the other two walls.
(MOANS)
Open up the ceiling
by breaking it irreversibly.
Just get this nasty little
floor out of the way,
and there you go. With just
those little touches...
Stop! Right there!
Don't touch another thing!
It's perfect.
Ms. Needler, you have a gift.
The good news is I can have
a makeover crew up here
and swinging hammers
first thing in the morning.
What do you say?
We thought you were finished.
Our whole family
is coming in two weeks.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Our finale!
(NORMAL TONE)
Our finale is in two weeks.
Thank you, Glenn.
It's a gracious offer,
Ms. Needler,
but you really
have done enough.
It's our son's Mazurka.
You understand.
Thank you.
(LURCH MOANS)
Uh, we're missing Mitch.
Where's Mitch?
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
- Mitch who?
- (BOTH SCREAMING)
(GLENN WAILING)
Gomez, I'll be blunt.
I have 50 houses
to sell down there,
and their view of your
property is, well, off-brand.
- Fifty houses?
- Yes.
You know,
ever since my family
was chased out
from the old country,
my one dream has been
to find a place
we could call home.
Once they see Assimilation,
(GASPS) I think they'll
want to stay for good.
(MARGAUX EXCLAIMS)
Thank you so much
for coming by, Membrane.
It's Margaux!
Well then, run, Margaux!
- (GATE CREAKS)
- Run, run, run!
(GATE BELCHES)
That Wednesday girl
is a freak.
We're about to be invaded
by a whole army of freaks.
It's tragic when people
can't accept
the help they so badly need.
And when that happens,
well, another kind of
intervention is called for.
MORTICIA: I agree, Gomez.
The whole family moving here
would be a dream come true.
But I don't trust
that Margaux woman.
She's an eccentric, darling,
give her a chance.
"Rasp-berry preserves."
(SNIFFS) Mmm.
Must be some kind
of scented embalming fluid.
(GASPS)
Wednesday,
practice your lurking
on someone
other than your father.
He's too easy.
Much better.
Mother, Father,
I'd like to speak with you.
What's on your mind,
my little nightcrawler?
I spoke with Parker
this afternoon.
She's the daughter
of that talking mannequin
who came by.
She told me about
a communal school
all the neighborhood children
attend.
It's called "junior high."
"Junior high"...
Yes, yes,
I have read about those
in my abnormal
psychology journals.
Anyone of age can enroll.
I think it would be
good for me.
Well, I think
it's a capital idea.
What of your studies here?
Your taxidermy
is coming along so well.
Mother,
would you really deprive me
of the opportunity to torment
children my own age?
Ah, she makes a point.
What's more,
with Wednesday in school,
we'd get to know
the people here even better.
Well, Mother?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(KIDS EXCLAIMING)
Have a good day
at school, dear.
Do your worst!
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
Ah. Now I understand.
This is a children's prison.
TWINS: Who's that?
PARKER: Great.
This is Wednesday.
Hello.
- (TWINS GASP)
- BETHANY: Hey, Parker.
(PARKER GASPS)
I got something for ya.
(CHUCKLES)
A moldy sandwich?
You're slipping, Bethany.
You know what?
You're right.
- (BOY GRUNTING)
- Let's kick it up a notch.
(GIRLS GASP, GIGGLE)
(BETHANY LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
You have no sense of humor!
(GIRLS GIGGLE)
GIRL: Did you see her face?
BETHANY: I know.
Bethany, is it?
Don't cut your eyes on my crew
unless you're ready to dance.
What did you say,
little ghoul?
I don't think you understand.
I'm not locked up in here
with you, Bethany.
You're locked up in here
with me.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCOFFS)
Whatever.
LAYLA: What did you do?
You shouldn't have said that.
There's nothing you can do.
Bethany's way too popular.
Popularity is fleeting.
I prefer to set my sights
on something
a little more challenging.
ALL: Like what?
- The establishment.
- (GIRLS GASP)
(MARGAUX SCATTING)
Let's see.
Who shall I be today?
How about...
Ah, Shelly Longbottom,
on Sugar Ridge Lane.
From Shelly Longbottom
to everyone,
"Did you hear
"about those Addams people?"
Question mark.
"Someone told me
they're wanted in 30 states."
(CELL PHONES CHIMING)
You know they're raising
a garden of man-eating plants?
And feeding them our pets!
Has anyone seen
my Shih Tzu Fee-fee?
They're gonna turn us
all into zombies.
Where are they from anyways?
It doesn't matter!
It's obvious
they don't belong here.
Honey! Oh, those awful people
up on the hill.
They're not even
on Neighborhood Peeps!
Well, that's suspicious.
MAN 1: If other people
are scared, then I'm scared.
MAN 2: I believe
everything I read.
WOMAN: If someone posted it,
it must be true.
MAN 3: You invite
one family in,
then all the families come in.
WOMAN 2: Do you think
we should investigate?
I'm turning grey.
MAN 4: I'm worried
for the children!
MAN 2: We need
to talk to Margaux!
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
Open your books. Page 43.
Follow the instructions.
- (SCOFFS) Yuck.
- Oh.
I've done this
thousands of times.
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
- (METAL CLANKING)
- (DRILL WHIRRING)
GIRL: Huh?
(GASPS)
- (CRANKING, DRILLING)
- (STUDENTS GASP AND EXCLAIM)
(STUDENTS MURMURING)
Flip the switch!
(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)
(ALL GASPING)
Give my creature life!
(STUDENTS WHIMPERING)
Live!
Live, I tell you, live!
(STUDENTS SCREAMING)
(SHRIEKS)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
- (STUDENTS WHIMPERING)
- (FROG CROAKING)
It's alive! It's alive!
(ALL GASPING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROAKS)
(GASPS)
- (FROGS CROAKING)
- (STUDENTS SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Get them off me!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Zombie frogs!
Bethany's changed her look.
It suits her.
Awesome. Totally awesome.
It is an honor...
...and a privilege...
BOTH: ...to watch you work.
Hey. Do you wanna
go to the mall?
Why not? I haven't seen
a good mauling in ages.
(PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ TUNE)
It's late. I'm worried.
GOMEZ: Darling,
Wednesday will be fine.
She can take care of herself.
It's not Wednesday
I'm worried about.
It's the rest of them. We may
need to provide an alibi.
My love, it's game night.
Wednesday will be home soon,
so why don't you
come and join us?
Oh, very well. F-6.
Pugsley,
you heard your mother.
Blow F-6!
PUGSLEY: Fire in the hole!
FESTER: I'm king of the world!
(SINGING)
Near, far, wherever...
- (RUBBER DUCK SQUEAKS)
- (RAPID BEEPS)
(EXPLOSION)
(ROOF CRUMBLING)
(PANTS EXCITEDLY) Yes!
You sunk my battleship.
Ha-ha! Well done, Pugsley!
(CLINKING)
Hello, my uglies!
Mother! I thought
I felt my skin crawling!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Grandma, what a surprise.
I thought you were in Prague.
I was!
They caught me smuggling
crocodiles out of the zoo.
But I escaped
and talked my way
onto a Somali pirate ship.
We got into
a heated poker game
and I cleaned them out.
(CHUCKLES)
- Cheating or robbery?
- GRANDMA: Both!
Always remember, Pugsley,
it ain't cheating
if no one catches you.
(SNIFFS) I haven't bathed
in two weeks. Ugh.
Or is it months?
Ha! That reminds me.
Guess what I've got, Pugsley?
- Candy!
- Oh, yes!
MORTICIA: But the Mazurka
isn't for a week.
Why are you here so early?
Gomez said you needed
a little help with the party.
And I said, I got my son ready
for his Mazurka,
so of course, I'm going to do
the same for my grandson.
I love him!
It's true! I sent for her!
I can't believe you bothered
your mother with that,
darling.
Neither can I?
He said you were
in over your head.
Thank you, Mother!
Said you were more tense
than he's ever seen you.
- I didn't say that exactly.
- GRANDMA: Yes, you did.
You said that exactly.
Said he was worried
you'd have a massive facial
expression and... (GROANS)
You know, I'm starving!
Let's eat!
Not until Wednesday gets home.
Where is that
granddaughter of mine?
I got something for her!
(LOUD CLANG)
Ah, there's my
little storm cloud!
Wednesday,
where have you been?
WEDNESDAY: Elsewhere.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(MORTICIA GASPS)
(BAT SQUEAKING, SLURPING)
What are you wearing?
Parker calls it
a pop of color.
While I certainly
appreciate a horse
with a spear
through its head,
the color is...
She claims
it brings out my smile.
Wednesday,
you don't have a smile.
Turns out
I have a lot of things
you don't know about.
(LURCH MOANS)
GRANDMA: (GASPS)
I see I got here just in time.
You were right to call, Gomez.
I'll talk to her.
Hand me that bear trap.
Thank you, Grandma.
But I will handle this.
Ah, suit yourself.
When you're done with Fabio,
send him up to my room.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
- LURCH: Oh, boy!
MORTICIA: Wednesday.
How would you like
to join me tomorrow
after the school for tea
and sance in the cemetery?
Is attendance mandatory?
Come now, my little raven.
You did so love it
when you were younger.
If you like, Mother.
Sleep well, dear.
Don't forget to kick
your father good night.
- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- (SIZZLES)
PARKER: What's your
favorite filter?
I don't know. I look black
and white in all of them.
PARKER: You know,
when I met you,
I thought you were
super weird.
But now,
I think you're really cool.
I concur.
You're not completely devoid
of merit yourself.
I wanna say "thank you"...
(CREAKING)
Oh, how'd that barrette
you bought yesterday
go over at home?
Actually, my mother's reaction
was, well, unexpected.
She was accepting.
It depressed me.
One never wants to see
one's mother that way.
But I must admit,
walking around in something
so garish, so grotesque...
I was shocked
how thrilling it felt.
(SIGHS) I wish
I could do that.
But my mom makes me
wear this stuff,
and it's just so...
I believe the word you're
looking for is "unfortunate."
Ugh. I'd love to
just go crazy
and wear something
that would shock her.
Well, Parker,
you're in luck.
You happen to be talking
to the queen of shock.
(HAUNTING ARIA PLAYING)
(CAWING)
(CRYSTAL BALL RINGING)
Hello, Mother.
GRANDMA FRUMP:
Where's my little wraith?
(SIGHS) Wednesday
still hasn't arrived.
We agreed to come up here
for tea and sance,
and now it seems
she stood me up.
GRANDMA FRUMP: Morticia!
Can you hear me?
GRANDPA FRUMP:
You're not doing it right.
- Press that button there.
- GRANDMA FRUMP: I did! I did!
GRANDPA FRUMP:
Did you hear it click?
GRANDMA FRUMP: Morticia!
GRANDPA FRUMP:
It's supposed to be on
- when you hear the click.
- Wait, I see something.
GRANDPA FRUMP: You did it!
GRANDMA FRUMP: Hello, darling!
Now, where's my granddaughter?
Just what I said.
I think she's distancing
herself from me.
GRANDMA FRUMP: Oh,
she's wrapped in a black hole
of emptiness and longing,
like all of us Frump women.
- GRANDPA FRUMP: Wednesday?
- It's not Wednesday!
- GRANDPA FRUMP: Who's this?
- It's me, Father.
GRANDPA FRUMP: Morticia?
What's wrong with you now?
The world can be so cruel.
And all she wants to do
is run toward it.
GRANDMA FRUMP:
She's a lot like you that way.
You wanted to see the world.
Find yourself.
Serve time!
GRANDPA FRUMP: Listen,
Morticia, remember the time
you ran away
and joined the Girl Scouts?
We were so worried
you were on a bad path.
But when you found out
that campfires
were for roasting marshmallows
and not other Girl Scouts,
well, you got bored
and you came home.
GRANDMA FRUMP:
We were so relieved.
GRANDPA FRUMP:
Trust Wednesday.
Like you,
she'll do the right thing.
Thank you, Father.
That's most comforting.
GRANDPA FRUMP: Good.
Wait a second.
When did I die?
GRANDMA FRUMP: 20 years ago.
GRANDPA FRUMP: Oh, right.
Happy anniversary, darling.
All right, Pugsley, let's,
uh, go through it again.
You got this, Pugsley.
This Mazurka's nothing.
- (SLURPS)
- (LIQUID SLOSHES)
- You eat swords for breakfast.
- (BELCHES)
You just got a case
of pre-ball jitters.
It's way more common
than you think.
If a Mazurka lasts
for more than four hours,
contact your doctor.
From the top.
Music!
(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)
(WHIMPERS)
(CHOKES)
(HIGH-PITCHED MOAN)
Pugsley,
I can honestly say
that was most definitely
a thing you did.
(CHUCKLES) A question,
what in heaven's name was it?
The Sabre Mazurka.
(GASPS)
You know what?
You've been practicing hard.
Why don't we
call it a day? Hmm?
- Hit the showers, kid.
- (SLAPS)
So, we're finished?
Ah, yes.
Yes, son. We are
most certainly finished.
Mmm. Okay. Thanks, Pop.
Thanks, Uncle Fester.
(SIGHS)
This is a complete disaster!
How did this happen?
And he's going
to make a fool of himself
in front of everyone!
Gomez, you gotta calm down!
There's still a day
to get him ready!
Fester, a year wouldn't be
enough to get him ready.
I've failed him, Fester.
I tried to raise him to be
an Addams, but I failed.
They're going
to eat him alive.
(SINGING) I like it like that
Ooh, baby
I said I like it like that
Ooh, baby,
I like it like that
All right. Thank you.
Grandma,
we already have a band.
They came highly recommended
from the mortuary.
Oh.
(SCOFFS) I'm sure
they're good.
My sister Sloom is
going to be judging Pugsley.
And if things aren't done
the traditional way,
she won't be happy,
and the Mazurka
could be a disaster!
But what do I know?
Fine.
SHRUNKEN HEAD 1:
Yay, we got the gig!
SHRUNKEN HEAD 2: We got it!
- Ah, one more thing...
- (LOUD BANGING)
Oh, someone's at the door.
I'd better go see who it is.
(SHRUNKEN HEADS
CONTINUE EXCLAIMING)
(DOOR CLANGS)
(GASPS)
(SINGING) What's so great
about being yourself
When you can be like
everyone else?
Do not speak
to your mother that way.
How dare you
enter this house like that.
Wait, where are your tattoos?
Oh, thank the stars!
- Where were you?
- Hanging out with Parker.
Is this why you skipped
tea and sance?
Your grandparents
were trying to contact you.
Holy Hades!
Whoever did that to you,
Wednesday,
I hope the other guy
looks worse.
Nobody did this to me.
This is my new look.
Do you like it?
I do not like it.
Everyone knows pink
is a gateway color.
I warned you about sending her
to public school.
Don't worry.
Wednesday is never
going to that school again.
- What?
- MORTICIA: In fact,
she's never leaving
this house again.
Wow, that's some evil eye
she's got there.
No, that dead-eye stare
is new.
And I think I know
where she got it.
Hey, guys, this is me now.
If you like it, hit "like,"
but who cares if you like it.
- I'm living my truth.
- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
(SCREAMS) Parker?
- Who did this to you?
- I did.
This is my new look, Mother.
I decided that from now on,
I choose my clothes, not you.
Argh! This is that little
creep Wednesday Addams' work!
She's not a creep.
She's just not like you.
Why can't you ever let
people be different?
Because it's my calling
to make everyone the same.
(HISSING) Too bright!
It burns! (GROANING)
Good! Maybe it'll burn away
the weird!
I hate it here!
Everything's boring
and fake and bright,
like plastic flowers!
Like you!
Parker!
Plastic flowers live forever.
Now, you go think
about that in your room.
With no social media.
No! Please, no.
Anything but that!
Now go wipe that depressing
goop off your face.
(SCOFFS) You first!
Oh! Those Addamses
have gone too far this time.
I think they're going to need
a little more help.
Hey!
Where are you going?
A friend's.
I hold people prisoner,
not the other way around.
Good luck with your Mazurka.
Wait, you're leaving?
Who's gonna torment me
every day?
Living under this roof is
all the torment you'll need.
Besides, our parents
have made it clear
that the only way
to be accepted in this family
is to be exactly like them.
I can't play
by those rules anymore.
Farewell, brother Pugsley.
Tomorrow, you become a man.
And I become a fugitive.
Always kinda knew
it'd end up like this.
Just didn't think
it'd be so soon.
WEDNESDAY: I'll never
forget you, Pugsley!
But I'll try.
Pugsley, have you seen
your sister?
She's not in her room.
PUGSLEY: Mmm...
Pugsley. Where's Wednesday?
Um... Tsk.
Tick, tock,
tick, tock, Mother.
You're getting very sleepy.
Pugsley...
She did not go
to her friend's house.
She went to
her friend's house?
I repeat, she did not
go to her friend's...
(PUGSLEY GROANS)
(SIGHS)
(MELLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SINGING) When the day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure
- You've had enough
- (SIGHS)
Of this life
Hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
- (WINDOW CREAKS)
- (GASPS)
Sometimes
I shall be staying with you
for a while.
(SINGING) Everybody hurts
MAN: (ON PHONE)
If this doesn't work,
the next house we flip
is gonna land on you.
Marty, listen to me.
Tomorrow, our finale
will be the biggest half hour
your network has ever aired.
There's just one more thing
to take care of.
This better be good
or you won't be able
to get a job as a doormat.
Yes, yes, yes.
I intend to bring
the house down.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SNOOP DOGG: (SINGING)
When the pimp's in the crib ma
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
When the pigs try
to get at you
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot
And if a... get a attitude
Pop it like it's hot
Pop it like it's hot
Pop it like it's hot
I got the Rolly on my arm
and I'm pouring Chandon
And I roll the best...
'cause I got it going on
(GONG CRASHES)
(DRONING) You rang?
It. Cousin. You made it!
(IT GIBBERS)
Please, come in.
Make yourself at home.
(IT GIBBERING)
Where did she hide my phone?
I haven't been able
to post a photo of my lunch
in almost three days!
And what about in there?
That's my mom's crafting room.
No one is allowed in there.
Then that's where it is.
Weird.
(LEVER CLICKS)
Whoa.
Hidden depths.
PARKER: What is this?
There's Mr. Haney
making a sandwich.
And that guy trying to put
a tiny tuxedo on his cat.
- MR. FLYNN: Sit still!
- That's Mr. Flynn.
MR. FLYNN: Why are you
being so difficult?
- (CAT YOWLS)
- Trying to make you
- look handsome.
- My money's on the cat.
And there's our science
teacher, Ms. Gravely,
putting her underwear
in the freezer?
My mom must have built
hidden cameras
into all of the houses.
WEDNESDAY:
She really is psycho.
- MARGAUX: Parker!
- Whoa!
Hey, Mom.
We were just looking for you.
What have I told you
about Mommy's crafting room?
Sorry to do this,
but standards must be upheld.
Parker, someday you'll
understand, and, Wednesday...
Well, anyway, Parker.
- (GRUNTING)
- (DOOR RATTLES)
(SIGHS) My mom
has a lair and a jail?
I knew I should have picked
to live with my dad.
- We're gonna be on TV!
- (EXCITED CHATTER)
Are we gonna be famous?
DENISE: Glenn, what do you
want in the frame?
- Okay, everyone, listen up.
- (WOMAN SHUSHING)
It's the last run-through
before the finale,
so let's try this
one last time, okay?
We're gonna shoot across
the town square to the gazebo
where Margaux
will make her grand entrance.
So everyone will be
walking this direction
across the square.
Judy, you start here,
Ken, you're gonna follow Judy.
You can stand right here
and...
Uh, is there
a bathroom nearby?
(GASPS) Uh...
(HUSHED VOICE)
Margaux, they're here!
MARGAUX: (ON PHONE)
What are you talking about?
They're here!
The Addams family!
- (MAN EXCLAIMING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(MAN SCREAMING)
Pardon me.
(GLENN YELPS)
Excuse me.
What are we gonna do?
What we always do, Glenn.
Help people.
"The Addams monsters
are planning
"to attack the town tonight!"
Exclamation point.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
"Meet at Margaux's house now."
Mmm? Oh.
Salutations, Addams.
We're here!
Petunia, I love what
you've done with your hair.
Thanks, I just had it mowed.
Please, come in.
Make yourself uncomfortable.
- Uncle Onion!
- (VOCALIZES)
- It's been so long!
- Voil!
Yes, so disappointed
to see you.
Ah, you always manage
to bring a tear to my eye!
(KISSES LOUDLY)
Greetings, Dr. Flambe!
How you doing?
- I'm on fire!
- Good!
This party's gonna be lit!
Ah, Auntie Sloom.
Auntie Sloom!
You are as radiant
as a barrel of nuclear waste.
Where is the boy?
Pugsley?
- (PUGSLEY GRUNTING)
- Ah, there you are.
Come down and say hello
- to your Auntie Sloom.
- Ahh!
Gomez, this tradition is not
to be taken lightly.
I trust that the boy
has been properly trained.
Yes, once you see how we've...
It's bad enough this Mazurka
is taking place in New Jersey.
Now, where are the dregs?
I'm thirsty.
MARGAUX: (ON MEGAPHONE)
You've seen them!
You've heard the stories
on Neighborhood Peeps!
Those Addams aren't people,
they're monsters!
And now, there's
an infestation of them!
They're here to destroy
our beautiful community
and turn it into a place
that no Design Intervention
can save!
Addams aren't wanted here!
They're monsters!
They're all monsters!
We need to destroy them first!
Who's with me?
We'll be revealing
Assimilation
and all of you to our audience
in just an hour.
Our last chance to help
these people is now.
Bill, John, do you still have
that lovely catapult?
BILL AND JOHN: Yes, we do!
Are you sure about this?
MAN 1: We can't let them ruin
our neighborhood!
MAN 2: Let's do it!
WOMAN: I want them out!
No one torments
my family but me.
Hair clip, please.
Okay.
(CLICKS)
- (GASPS)
- Cage school 101.
HEAD ADDAMS:
He'd better be ready
or Auntie Sloom
will have his head!
FEMALE ADDAMS:
He looks very small.
MALE ADDAMS 1: That kid's
got some big shoes to fill.
MALE ADDAMS 2: I certainly
hope the boy's ready.
Well, I'm not going
easy on him.
(PLAYING UPBEA SPOOKY MUSIC)
FESTER: Heads up.
(SINGERS VOCALIZING)
Hey, alto, you're flat.
(IT GIBBERING)
(LAUGHTER)
Sloom.
- Sister.
- Darling, I...
I know the last time
we saw each other,
we had that horrible fight.
And I just wanted to tell you,
from the bottom of my heart,
I won that fight!
And I was glad I cheated!
You won?
Still a sore loser, as always!
I want a rematch!
Right here! Right now!
Auntie Sloom?
Can I get you anything?
When's the Mazurka?
Soon, soon.
Our daughter Wednesday
isn't here yet.
If your daughter
can't be on time,
then we will begin
without her!
Very well, Auntie Sloom.
(LAUGHING)
- Attention, please. Attention!
- (GLASS CLINKS)
(CRUNCHES, GULPS)
The hour is upon us.
Places!
(PLAYING CEREMONIAL MUSIC
ON ORGAN)
We gather today to witness
my son, Pugsley Addams,
perform his Sabre Mazurka.
(ORGAN CONTINUES PLAYING)
He will begin with a reading
from the Terror,
which commemorates
our cries in battle.
(IT GIBBERS)
(WAILING HOWL)
(IT GIBBERS)
(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)
And now,
the transition into manhood.
(IT GIBBERS)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(STRAINING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(CLEARS THROAT)
And now, the Sabre Mazurka.
(EXCITED MURMURING)
Hold still.
The Addams mustache.
Now you're ready.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SWORD THUDS)
(CLANGING)
(ALL GASPING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ALL GASP)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(GUESTS MURMURING)
GOMEZ: Pugsley?
I give up.
I can't do it, Pop.
GUESTS: Oh.
I'm sorry.
I let you down.
You haven't
let me down, Pugsley.
I let you down.
I was so focused
on doing things
the traditional way,
I forgot to let you
be who you are.
(ALL GASPING)
MARGAUX: (ON MEGAPHONE)
Hey!
Are ya ready
for your Margaux makeover now?
It's Margaux.
She must have turned
the whole town
into stark raving lunatics.
Well, I have to admit,
I admire her work.
BILL: Let's do this thing!
It's locked and loaded,
Margaux.
Let's go get 'em!
We've had enough!
Fire!
(ALL WHIMPERING)
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
(PANICKED SCREAMING)
Pugsley!
What is the true meaning
of the Mazurka?
It's about protecting
our family
from those who would
do us harm!
Go ahead.
Show 'em what you're good at.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
All we have to do
is pull down the side walls!
ROCK MAFIA: (SINGING)
You shouldn't mess with me
You don't wanna mess with me
'Cause if you mess with me
You're messing with my family
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
Everyone, follow my boy!
(PUGSLEY CHUCKLING)
Hey, guys!
(SCREAMING)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
ROCK MAFIA: You might think
that we are all loco
But this family
is about to go global
MARGAUX: Fire!
(ALL WHIMPER)
Shakalaka bang, baby!
Quick! Out this way!
(ALL MURMURING)
(ALL GASPING)
Pop, I'm out of ammo!
We're trapped!
(RUMBLING)
(ALL WHIMPERING)
(ALL YELP)
Hope I'm not crashing
the party.
PUGSLEY: Wednesday!
- Yeah!
- (ALL SIGH)
Ichabod, quick,
lower your branches!
Everyone, grab on!
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMS AND MURMUR)
Margaux Needler never stops
until the project is complete.
(MARGAUX LAUGHING)
PUGSLEY: Fire in the hole!
(MARGAUX GASPS)
Mazurka!
(GUESTS CHEERING)
MORTICIA:
Is everyone all right?
No limbs missing that weren't
missing before you arrived?
(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)
My little raven,
I'm so happy you returned.
Of course I came back.
I knew there was no way
you were going
to save yourselves.
You are like
weak baby squirrels.
(GUESTS GROANING)
(RELIEVED CHATTER)
WEDNESDAY: Socrates.
Eight legs, nine lives.
GOMEZ: You were right,
cara mia.
People can be cruel.
What have we done?
They're just a family.
MARGAUX: A family?
Oh, please!
They're a bunch of monsters!
Don't go soft on me, people.
I will relish hounding you
until that nuclear waste dump
of a house is gone
and your mutant family
along with it! Ah!
Be careful what you wish for,
Ms. Needler.
My family and I will never run
from the likes of you again.
(GASPS, STAMMERS)
Deep breath, Margaux.
Okay, I have a finale
to shoot.
Parker, let's go.
PARKER: I'm not going
anywhere with you.
I'm staying with my friend.
MARGAUX: Your friend?
Parker, these people
are freaks.
If they're freaks,
then I'm a freak.
And so are all of you.
Exhibit A.
Ms. Gravely, you put
your underwear in the freezer.
Hey, it's refreshing, okay?
Exhibit B.
Trudy Pickering.
You sit on
the toilet backwards.
Well, where else am I supposed
to put my arms?
Wait, how did you know that?
Because your houses have been
infested with Needler-Vision.
She has hidden cameras
everywhere.
- What?
- (ALL GASP)
WEDNESDAY: And watches you
all of the time.
In my private time?
MAN: That is creepy, actually.
- What else has she seen?
- That is over the line!
- MARGAUX: Shut up!
- (ALL GASP)
Listen, you lemmings!
This is my town.
You are nothing
but a bunch of extras.
We are going to march down
that hill and do a live show.
I expect you to convince
those brainless peons
out there in the audience
that this is the perfect place
to buy a house,
or none of you will be living
here much longer.
- Do you hear me?
- Actually, Mom,
everyone can hear you.
You've been live
this whole time.
Three million people
are watching you right now.
The real you, for a change.
Please, what do I care what
a bunch of bloggers think?
GLENN: Margaux?
(YELLS) What?
It's the network.
They're taking your show
off the air.
What?
No. I'll be...
I'll be bankrupt.
Who will buy all these houses?
Okay, watch this.
Now's my chance.
Excuse me, (CLEARS THROAT)
I just tooted.
Furthermore,
I think I can help you
get rid of those houses.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, my dear,
you've got a bunch of houses
you need to get rid of,
and I've got a bunch of family
I need to get rid of.
WOMAN: Hello?
Excuse me. I'm Trudy.
Trudy Pickering. We...
We never officially met...
Ah, yes. The toilet woman.
Right.
Listen, uh, please, give us
a chance to make it right.
Let us have
our own design intervention.
WEDNESDAY: Mother,
I spent time
with these people,
and it is true, they are odd.
But we shouldn't judge them
just because
they're different.
(SOFT MURMURING)
(HUMMING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)
- Have a wonderful day!
- ONION: Whoo-hoo.
MALE ADDAMS:
And there you are.
- Bye-bye.
- WOMAN: Thanks! Bye!
Well, hello there!
Howdy, neighbor.
How's the new house?
Oh, I love it. I hope
you brought your umbrellas.
Oh, you put in a typhoon.
What a great idea.
Don't forget
the gift basket, silly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got scented
embalming fluid,
toes, teeth, a fruitcake,
rat bait,
got some dried apricots...
(CHUCKLES)
He's like training a puppy,
adorable but tiresome.
She's the woman of my dreams!
Her breath is like
a baby's diaper.
(GIGGLES) Fester, stop!
Who would have thought
a guy like me, a total zero,
would have ended up with you,
an also zero?
Well, do come in!
SLOOM: Now, with
the house rebuilt, Pugsley,
we can throw you
the celebration you deserve!
You are Addams
through and through.
(ALL APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
Oh, how lovely.
The spirit's home.
Finally, back to normal.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
We did good.
I won't tell anyone
if you don't.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(ADDAMS FAMILY THEME PLAYING)
(RHYTHMIC SNAPPING)
(MAN SINGING)
They're creepy
And they're kooky
Mysterious and spooky
They're altogether ooky
The Addams family
There house is a museum
Where people come
to see 'em
They really are a scream
The Addams family
- (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
- MAN: Neat.
- (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
- Sweet.
- (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
- Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on
A broomstick
You can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Addams family
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
MIGOS: (SINGING)
Family, family
I'd go to war for my family
Ups and downs
Wrong or right, it's family
They think that we crazy
They say that we crazy,
can't handle it
My back on the wall
Who I'mma call, my family
We different, we stick out
Wig out, bug out
Pop out, hop out
Go
Ball out, hey
Show out
A'ight, this a party
Let's not make a problem
No!
Why you looking at me like
there's something, tell me
You should know it's not just
me that you'll be rubbing
ROCK MAFIA: The wrong way,
so you better think twice
You shouldn't mess with me
You don't want to mess with me
'Cause if you mess with me
You're messing with my family
You shouldn't mess with me
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
You don't want to mess with me
MIGOS: No!
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
'Cause if you mess with me
You're messing with my family
Ay, ay, ay, ay
ROCK MAFIA: You might think
that we are all loco
Ay, ay, ay
MIGOS: Don't mess
with my family
ROCK MAFIA: But this family
about to go global
MIGOS: We blowin' up!
ROCK MAFIA: Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
(KAROL G SINGING IN SPANISH)
Don't mess with my family
A'ight, this a party
Let's not make a problem
No!
Why you looking at me like
there's something, tell me
You should know it's not just
me that you'll be rubbing
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
The wrong way
So you better think twice
ROCK MAFIA:
You shouldn't mess with me
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
You don't wanna mess with me
ROCK MAFIA:
'Cause if you mess with me
You're messing with my family
You shouldn't mess with me
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
You don't wanna mess with me
'Cause if you mess with me,
you're messing with my family
ROCK MAFIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
You're messing with my family
KAROL G: Yeah
ROCK MAFIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah
MIGOS: Don't mess
with my family
No!
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
Ay, ay, ay, ay
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
You might think
That we are all loco
Ay, ay, ay
But this family
About to go global
(MUSIC TEMPO INCREASES)
MIGOS: They say that we mean
Mean
They say that we rude
Rude
They say we got problems
Problems
But we say it's cool
Family, family
I'd go to war for my family
Ups and downs
Wrong or right, it's family
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
Ay, ay, ay, ay
You might think
that we are all loco
MIGOS: Don't mess
with my family
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:
Ay, ay, ay,
But this family
is about to go global
(SONG ENDS)
(SPOOKY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: (SINGING)
There's no bell
When you call for me
You'll be falling for miles
I'm bewitched by your misery
(CHUCKLES)
But I love it when you smile
Let me know
what you want from me
Whisper "love" in my ears
Before you try
to get your hooks in me
I should warn you, my dear
My heart is a haunted house
Once you're in,
you ain't getting out
It's the trap
you've been waiting for
Ain't no windows,
ain't no doors
No escaping the way you feel
It's like a dream,
but you hope it's real
My, my, my heart
M-m-m-my heart is a haunted
CHOIR: Haunted house
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Watch
yourself when you walk to me
Careful where
your heart treads
Suddenly,
you'll be in too deep
You'll be caught up in my web
You will think
of me constantly
And it will drive you insane
Like the tattoo
you can't remove
Like the blood in your veins
My heart is a haunted house
Once you're in,
you ain't getting out
It's the trap
you've been waiting for
Ain't no windows,
ain't no doors
There's no escaping
the way you feel
It's like a dream,
but you hope it's real
My, my, my heart
- M-m-m-my heart is a haunted
- CHOIR: Haunted house
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Yeah
- It's a haunted house
- CHOIR: Haunted house