PROSECUTOR:
This is an unusual case, My Lord.
The accused was at an unmanned station under
the influence of a strong fortified wine.
Railway personnel from some 20 miles away
manning security cameras
saw him staggering
towards the station's edge.
Lovely jubbly
(CHIMING ON PA)
ANNOUNCER ON PA: Would all passengers
stand back from the edge of the platform?
You with the trainers on.
You with the blue tracksuit.
Get back. There's a train coming
through here any minute.
Stand back.
Is somebody taking the piss here?
When will you do what you're told
and stand back?
- Stand back?
- That's right, you heard me. Stand back.
If you say so, pal.
Oh, shit!
See! Look what you've done now,
you fucking imbecile!
Get off that track. There's a train
coming through here in seconds.
What the fuck was that, you arsehole?
I fucking nearly broke my bottle.
Fuck the bottle. Get off the track!
Hurry up! Get a fucking move on!
I cannot find my glasses!
This is God calling.
Get off the fucking track, will you?!
- Get a fucking move on or you're gonna die!
- Fuck me!
Move it, you fucking arsehole!
- (TRAIN APPROACHES)
- Oh, thank fuck. Oh! Shit.
(TRAIN HORN BLASTS)
(TRAIN WHOOSHES PAST)
JUDGE: It seems to me, young man,
that your profound stupidity
is matched only by your good fortune.
I sentence you to 180 hours
of Community Payback.
If you don't carry out the required work,
you will come back here before me
and receive a custodial sentence.
Is that clear?
ALBERT: No, not really.
The accused stole a yellow and blue
macaw from a pet shop
in the Gallowgate area of the city.
The bird was stuffed inside
a Marks & Spencer's carrier bag
with tail protruding.
On being asked for an explanation
by a police constable, the accused replied,
"Why don't you piss off and start hunting
rapists, mass murderers and perverts,
"YOU grumpy twat?"
MALE SOLICITOR:
The damage to the vending machine
was not as great as first feared, My Lord,
and it has been repaired
at very little cost.
It seems clear this of fence was committed,
unfortunately, through depression
and this recent violent outburst
is a desperate attempt
to get back inside the prison system.
PROSECUTOR:
This is a public order of fence, My Lord.
Climbing the statue of the Duke of
Wellington in the city centre.
The accused was under
the influence of drink and drugs.
He seems to bear a grudge
against public monuments.
On previous occasions he has put
a Scottish flag around Queen Victoria
and urinated on Donald Dewar.
The accused had a part-time cleaning job
three days a week.
But during this time she continued
to claim Social Security benefits.
Your Lordship will note there is
a considerable history
of fraudulent claims from the accused.
She seems unable to change her behaviour
of claiming benefits she's not entitled to.
As you will recall, My Lord,
this young man has pleaded guilty
to a violent and prolonged assault.
Now, it is accepted that the accused's
rivals in this case provoked the incident
but, at the same time, the severity
and viciousness of the accused's reaction
went far beyond self-defence.
Both the accused's rivals were assaulted
to their severe and permanent disfigurement.
Given his chaotic childhood, My Lord,
both Mr. Emmerson's parents
were frequently in and out of custody
during his formative years.
Um... he perhaps didn't
have the best start in life.
Your Lordship will note that,
following Mr. Emmerson's release
from Polmont Young Offenders Institution,
the last 10 months have been trouble-free,
My Lord,
albeit apart from this one
very serious incident.
He has formed
a stable relationship with his girlfriend.
She continues to be a positive and
stabilizing influence in his life.
The reason for that is clear.
Within 10 days, my client
will become a father for the first time.
My Lord, the prospects of fatherhood
have changed this young man,
and he would grasp one last opportunity
with both hands.
He has clashed with his girlfriend's father
on several occasions,
which gives rise to serious concern.
Stand up.
Your record is appalling.
For much of your short life
you have behaved like a thug
and the violent incidents in this case
have proven to me
that you are still a dangerous individual.
But you are obviously
a young man with energy and talent.
You have escaped a significant custodial
sentence by the skin of your teeth.
I sentence you to 300 hours
of Community Payback.
- (GAVEL POUNDS)
- (PEOPLE CLAMORING)
JUDGE: Silence there!
Silence.
- Silence there!
- WOMAN: Silence in court!
Silence!
- WOMAN: Quiet!
- (CLAMORING CONTINUES)
ROBBIE: Oh, fuck.
I cannot believe that, man.
- (SOBS)
- It's okay, Leonie.
God, I thought they were gonna
put you away for years.
I'm telling you, I am never
coming back here. I'm telling you now.
One more time, Robbie,
and you're on your own.
You'd have been safer inside, you wee prick.
Watch your fucking back.
- See you soon, you wee dick.
- Catch you after, hairy hole. (LAUGHS)
I cannot live with this. I'm not going to.
Good morning, sir.
I'm here to report for Community Payback.
- And your name is?
- It's Albert Ridley.
- You're not on here, son. - You sure?
Should be definitely on the list.
- Are you sure it's today?
- Aye, Wednesday.
- You're two days out, son.
- What?
- You're two days out.
- Two days out?
There must be... Should be definitely on it.
I'll tell you what. If you can tell me
what year it is, I'll let you come with us.
- What year it is?
- Yeah.
Feels as if I'm fuckin' on
Who Wants to be a Millionaire here.
Can I phone a friend?
It's your lucky day. We're two short.
We're painting the community centre.
- Are you any good with a brush?
- I'll give it a bash, aye.
- Right, get on the bus, then.
- Cheers.
- You all right?
- Aye, I'm fine. How?
- What's your second name again?
I forgot it. - It's a secret. Ha-ha!
- It's a secret?
- I'm no telling you.
- Willy, you been drinking, pal?
- I haven't touched a drink.
- Oh, Willy.
- I haven't touched a drink. Promise.
Look, smell my breath. (EXHALES)
No touched a drink!
- Robert Emmerson.
- What name is it?
- Robert Emmerson. - Rob, it's 8:00 sharp.
It's not a taxi service.
- The bus sailed right past me. - There's
a 15 minute cut-off. You're too late.
I've gotta get my hours done, man.
Please. Please.
- Albert, have you painted before?
- Just with a can.
I'll tell you what then. Get a scraper,
you and Davey get some sandpaper.
Get out in the hallway and give it
a bit of a scraping off, will you?
Get it prepared for painting afterwards,
all right?
ALBERT: Scrape the wall?
What do you mean?
Don't take the piss. Get the scrapers,
get the sandpaper, get out there.
Davey, you go with him.
Show him what to do, will you, son?
In the corridor.
Get started as soon as you can.
There you go, Davey.
There you go, the dream team.
Right, you and PC can start on this wall.
Rhino, get the orange paint. You do
the windows, and I don't mean the glass.
Oh, fuck, Harry. No, I hate this color.
- You don't like it?
- No, it's not me.
- All right, boys?
- All right.
- How's it going, Davey, okay?
- Brilliant. Albert here's a dab hand.
What are you doing there?
You're not digging a trench. Nice and easy.
- Nice and easy?
- Just take the...
Like you're taking the
skin off a rice pudding.
- A nice big sweep.
- Big sweep?
- Nice and easy.
- What do you mean? Like that?
How's that?
I'll have you off that ladder in a minute.
Behave yourself.
- That was a nice big sweep there.
- Born to scrape, that's you, Arnold.
(RINGTONE)
Yeah, we do. First time on today.
Well, I can't leave Jean on her own, can I?
Okay, if the office has cleared it.
Which hospital?
Okay. Thanks, Sheila.
- Robbie.
- Aye?
- Your partner's gone into labor.
- What?
Your partner's gone into labor.
I've got to buy some flowers.
That will be nice.
Can I ask you a big favour, Harry?
Here we go. Go on.
Could you come in with me?
What?
I'm scared they won't let me in.
They just take one look at my scar.
Fucking happens every time
I go for a job as well.
All right.
(SIGHS)That's her uncles, man.
It's Leonie's uncles.
All right? Leonie in there, aye?
Been expecting you to turn up here.
What are youse doing? Leonie wants me here!
- Fucking leave me.
- What's going on here?
- Fucking leave me! Fucking leave me!
- Shut it!
- Fucking Leonie wants me here!
- Just shut your mouth, eh!
Fucking listen to me, for Christ's sake
She just sent me a text.
Fucking hell, man.
Look, I've got a right to be here.
- I've got a right to be here.
- You've got fuck all, rights.
Get fucking up.
Now you listen here, you wee fucking maggot.
Your old man was an old prick.
Your brother's a prick. And you're a prick.
You come from a long line of fucking losers,
and it stops here.
Do you understand? Now, you go anywhere
near Leonie, or the baby,
and I'll rip your fucking balls off you,
and I'll ram them down your fucking throat!
Do you understand?
(SOBS) It's fuckin' my baby, too.
You keep your big fucking nose out of this!
You understand?
You all right, Robbie? Eh?
Bastards. Are you all right, son? Eh?
Oh, fucking hell.
Come back upstairs.
Can you get UP?
Come on.
Come on, come on. You all right? Eh?
Fucking do him. I'm gonna fucking do him!
Get to fuck!
Fuck off, I'm gonna do them! Fuck off!
That's what they want, Robbie! No!
Don't be a mug. No! That's what they want!
They wanna see you behind bars!
Ten years, eh?
Come on, don't be a mug.
You can't let them win like that!
You better fuck off, Harry! Fucking move!
- Come on!
- I'll fucking kill them.
Robbie. Look. Think of the baby! Right?
Think of Leonie! Think! Eh?
Do you want to see your boy grow up? Eh?
Come on, Robbie. Come on, son.
Eh? Come on.
- Do you need any help? - No, we're
fine thanks. It's just a nosebleed.
Here.
You all right, son?
They're thugs.
- Do you want to phone the police?
- No.
I'll help you out.
- No way, Harry.
- I'll tell them what happened.
Harry, look, we never do that, ever.
It's no happening.
Where are you living now?
Just sofa hopping
from mates to mates, Harry. It's...
Trying to get a place of my own, but...
I tell you what. Come back to mine, eh?
We'll get you cleaned up properly
and you can calm down.
Fucking smashed my phone, man.
There you go.
Text Leonie.
Thanks a lot, Harry.
What does Leonie's dad do?
Can you no guess?
Librarian?
No, him and his brothers run
a couple of clubs up the East End.
Cunt makes a fortune.
Fucking hated me from the very first day,
then he found out...
I gave him a nickname that stuck.
Didn't help when somebody fucking
sprayed it over his nice lovely new car.
And what would that be?
- "Psycho-balls".
- (CHUCKLES)
- Have you got kids, Harry?
- I've got two girls. They're down south.
- Are youse close?
- (RINGTONE)
Is that anybody you know?
- It's Leonie.
- Well, answer it, then.
Take it in there.
Go on, get in the sitting room.
Hello?
Hello?
Leonie.
I did it, Robbie. He's here.
Seven pounds, six ounces.
- A son? - He's so beautiful.
Honestly, he's just perfect
He's got these big blue eyes.
They're just like yours, Robbie,
they're lovely. He's so beautiful.
I'll give you a phone back later,
is that all right?
- I'll speak to you soon. I love you.
- Love you. I'm so proud of you.
- B ye. Bye.
- Bye.
I cannot believe it. A wee boy.
- What?
- I'm a daddy.
Oh, congratulations, Robbie.
Cheers, mate.
- Ow! My ribs, you cunt.
- This calls for something special.
Fucking hell, man.
This was a present off a grateful client.
I've had it for years and I've been waiting
for a special occasion, and this is it.
Come on, park your arse. Eh?
Springbank. Thirty-two years old. Eh?
Whisky? I've never even tasted whisky.
- We're gonna toast your first-born.
- (WHISKY POURING)
(EXHALES) Fucking hell.
HARRY: Eh?
- What's his name?
- Luke. His name's Luke.
Eh?
I'm made up for you, son.
This is for... This is for Luke.
And his old man.
Happy birthday, wee man.
Cheers, Robbie.
(COUGHS)
Fucking hell, Harry, man. Tastes like shit.
You Philippine.
- Can I add some Coke to that?
- No.
I'll give you a drop of water.
- Luke, eh?
- Aye.
That's a good name.
Is it after your old man?
No way.
No chance.
- You okay?
- Mm-hm.
Sure?
Thanks.
I'm so proud of you.
- Are you gonna pick up your son?
- Can I?
I'm shaking.
- So, what do you think?
- He's beautiful.
So perfect.
He's so perfect.
Luke. I love the sound of his name, Luke.
I know. Me, too.
So the midwife said to me
that only half his brain's developed,
and that the next half depends on us.
You only get one shot
at being a wee baby, Robbie. Just one.
You know what that means, don't you?
(LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: All right, wee man?
What does "TASC" mean?
Talk After Serious Crime.
Is that the one you went to prison for,
when you really hurt the boy?
Fuck! What do they want to see me for?
Look, maybe it'll just help the boy
and his family to deal with it.
Like cope with the past or something?
That's the idea, isn't it?
- I served my fucking time.
- What about them, Robbie?
Do they count?
Look, I think you should go.
It might help you, too.
Have a seat.
This is Anthony. Anthony's father Andrew.
Anthony's mother Alison,
and Anthony's sister Shona.
This is Robbie. And Robbie's partner Leonie.
Good morning, everyone, and thank you for
coming along to the meeting this morning.
Okay.
ANTHONY: It was a Friday night.
I was going out with my girlfriend.
I hadn't seen her for.
all week so I was quite excited
to go and see her. Erm...
We were just parking.
Guess I swerved in quite quickly.
Erm
All of a sudden this guy is kicking the car,
hitting the bonnet,
shouting and swearing at us, saying,
"Get the fuck out.
Who the fuck do you think you are? "
(ALL CLAMORING)
Next thing, he's grabbed me by the hair, he's
pulling me out the car. I can't get him off.
He punches me in the face.
He hits my head off the car bonnet.
Starts kicking into me, I'm on the ground.
Erm...
I just remember hearing Lindsay
begging for him to stop.
I just remember thinking,
"This guy is gonna kill me. "
And...
Erm...
The police said that the guy was choked up
to the eyeballs. Erm...
I had 12 stitches in the back of my head.
Broken ribs, cracked wrist.
And, er, my eye was all messed up.
The surgeon said that
I was very lucky,
but...
I had a detached retina,
and I'd lost the sight in my right eye.
He had a fractured eye socket,
which has left him with a squint.
He can't even see out that eye now.
Proud of yourself?
I thought my son was gonna die.
I thought I'd lost him
because of you,
because of what you've done to him.
When he came back out the hospital,
he didn't even want to speak to anybody.
He just wanted to go into his room,
on his own. Do nothing.
He packed in his college.
He split up with his girlfriend.
You're nothing.
You're just a wee thug that doesn't
know any better. That's all you are.
Look at me. I don't even think
you're sorry for what you've done.
Do you realise the pain
and the damage that you have caused?
What you've put our family through?
TASC MODERATOR: Is there anything
you would like to say to them?
(SNIFFLES)
Thank you.
I felt ashamed.
I did.
I wanted to tell her that if someone
had done that to my son,
to Luke, I'd want the bastard hung.
Luke...
I swear on your life, and on mine,
that I will never hurt another person
as long as I live.
That's a promise, wee man.
What if Clancy turns up?
What about your promise then?
Will you walk away?
Leonie, if I turn and walk away,
or run away,
not gonna make a difference to me.
- He's gonna stab me in the back.
- What is it between you two?
His dad fought my dad at school.
It's been like this for years,
it's just the way it is.
Just the way it is?
And will Luke fight his son, too, Robbie?
Look at me, Robbie. Will Luke fight his son?
Just stuck in the same shit.
- Scared to lose face.
- In front of who?
Look...
I want you to be a real father to my child.
And if no,
I will take care of Luke myself
and I will make sure he is different.
- Harry, where are you taking us?
- Wait and see.
Now listen, you lot. This is my day off.
And if I get caught out in the van with you lot,
I'm gonna be up shit creek without a canoe.
So I want you to all repeat after me,
I hereby do solemnly swear...
ALL: I hereby do solemnly swear...
HARRY: All of you. Nice and loud.
Anybody don't say it, I'm gonna drop you off
and you can walk back.
HARRY: I hereby do solemnly swear...
ALL: I hereby do solemnly swear...
- ... not to fight, drink or rob.
- ... not to fight, drink or rob.
- And I also do...
- And I also do...
- ... swear...
- ... swear...
...to worship the ground
on which big Harry walks.
WILLY: Get to fuck, man! I'm no saying that!
Too far, Harry. Come on.
Just tell us where we're going.
HARRY: It's a sacred place.
We're going to a distillery.
Drink? Yes!
So, the first room we're coming into
is the mash house.
This is the mash tun here and it's massive.
Come on, have a look at it.
It's really big. It takes 10 and a half tons
of malted barley,
and to that we add 40,000 liters of
hot water.
What we're doing at this stage
is mixing the barley and the hot water
for the conversion of starch to sugar.
Here we are in the fermentation room.
This is where we ferment the wort
we've just extracted from the mash tun.
It's also where we take
the third ingredient,
the third of the three simple ingredients,
which is yeast, and we add it to the mix.
And as soon as we add the yeast,
because it's been dehydrated,
as soon as we add it to the wort,
it starts to ferment.
I'll show you it.
WILLY: Fuck me, that's strong,
ain't it, man.
Actually, I need a volunteer.
- Who's got a sensitive nose?
- Aye, I'll do it.
I'll do it... I'll do it.
I'll take you.
What I want you to do is just get your head
in there and have a good sniff.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You're at it!
This is called the still house.
It really is such a beautiful room.
Be careful you don't touch anything though.
It's really hot and you could burn yourself.
Come on up.
So this is the still house, and it's such
an important room in the house.
It's kinda like the heart of the distillery.
It's where all the magic really does happen,
and it happens in these four stills here.
If I was to change one of these stills,
I'd have to make sure every single dent,
every nook and cranny was the exact same,
otherwise it could alter the flavour
of the whisky.
Come on, follow me.
(INAUDIBLE)
She's got the body of a goddess.
Come on round this one here.
Now, there's a subtle reaction
between the wood and the spirit,
because the wood actually flavours
and colours the spirit.
It's amazing. And they were crafted
so beautifully that they actually breathe.
- I'm sorry, you can't actually
smoke in here. - (MUFFLED) Sorry, man.
- Fuck's sake, you. Give us it.
- I'm sorry.
- You stupid? You no go to school, no?
- No. It's my last fag, man.
- Don't give a fuck, you'll
blow us all up, man. - 'Sake, man.
Stupid cunt.
- Sorry about that, Mairi.
- Thank you.
SUSAN: How long do you keep
the whisky in the casks for?
Ten, twenty, thirty years. It just depends.
- What's the most expensive one?
- The most expensive?
Well, we actually found a cast about...
a cask about a year ago.
And we sold one bottle
from the cask for 100,000.
100,000?
You know I could buy 30,000 bottles
of Buckie for that!
That's 30 years of bevvy.
- Unbelievable.
- It's a lot of money.
Andrew,
can you show us how to flog the bung?
Flogging the bung's not something you do
up the dancing on a Saturday night.
It's actually how we
traditionally open a cask.
(POUNDING)
Thank you.
Now every year about 2 % of the spirit
is actually lost.
It just disappears and evaporates
into thin air. Gone forever.
It's what we call the "angels' share".
- Now who fancies a wee dram?
- Aye, me, me.
I bet you would. Come on,
we'll go back to the visitor centre.
The angels' share. I like that.
(CHUCKLES)
That's good. Aye, that is good.
There we are.
Now, our noses are so sensitive
we can actually detect
scents that have been diluted
to one-millionth of a part.
It's our most primitive sense.
Right here goes back to when we used
to crawl about as reptiles on our bellies.
Well, some people will never change, eh?
(MAIRI LAUGHS)
Did youse know, and this is fact by the way,
the sexual behaviour of mice
is driven by what they sniff?
(ALL LAUGH)
ALBERT: What are youse laughing at?
MAIRI: Is that serious?
ALBERT: Yeah, serious.
RHINO: So when they smell cheese,
they get a hard-on, is that it?
Fuck off.
What I want you to do is have
a little nose of the whisky.
That's basically a wee smell.
And tell me what you
think it reminds you of.
My Da's breath when I was wee,
that's what it reminds me of.
Reminds me of an old pub what used to be
at the bottom of my street.
Anything else?
It's like Christmas cake I had once
at my nana's house.
Well done.
That's really good. The Christmas cake
that you're smelling is the fruity flavours.
Very impressed.
Right as rain. Tough 'un, me.
- How much did you have anyway?
- I had one double and that was it.
- We were watching you.
- I had one.
Put your fags out, boys. It's no smoking
in the van, you know the score.
- (GLASS CLINKING)
- All aboard!
Did you steal something, Mo?
- Nothing.
- Doesn't sound like nothing, Mo.
I couldn't resist it. It was
far too easy in there.
- Jesus Christ, Mo. You're a
fucking disgrace. - Put them back.
Harry could lose his job.
Do you want them?
I don't like whisky anyway.
No, I don't fucking want them, Mo.
We made Harry a promise.
So you read all these, then?
Cannae get the fucker
out the library these days.
- DOUGIE: (THUMPING) You bastard.
- Nose it.
Fucking watch that aerial,
it's holding the telly together.
Look at the state of the fucking thing.
What are you talking about?
Fucking 6 I paid for that bad boy!
Heavy, sweet and peaty.
- It's like a whiff of sea breeze off it.
- There's something coming off it.
It's... It's a...
Highland malt for cert.
Sea breeze?
All we need now is a fucking rainbow.
I know what you mean. I can...
The saltiness off it.
- Aye. Get that?
- It's sweet, too.
ALBERT: Bullshit. It's all the same to me.
- What are you doing...
- (SPITS)
- Albert.
- (SNIFFS)
- (HAWKS, SPITS)
- MO: Oh!
RHINO: Albert... Fuck's sake, man.
MO: Fucking hell, man.
ALBERT: Sorry.
RHINO: Fuckin' boggin'.
Jesus Christ.
Here, smell the peat.
CAZ: Pete? Who the fuck is Pete?
RHINO: They get it from the ground
then they dig it up.
What? You dig it up
and you throw it in a drink,
and youse are wondering
why it's barking of shite?
Look, give yourselves
a bit of time, guys, right?
I was like that at first, and then
big Harry started to show me how to do it,
showed me the tricks of the trade.
Right, give us it over. Let's try this one.
DOUGIE: Fucking volume. Work, work!
Volume, you bastard. Work. Fucking work.
ROBBIE: A bit... a bit spicy.
- Where does that smell come from?
- The casks.
It's like, maybe like a short fermentation.
American oak gives off like coconut, vanilla.
Maybe sometimes even like a chocolate.
- That's it. That's it. - Albert,
I'm telling you, mate. It's the truth.
- Sea breeze, nutty and now fucking coconut.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
Are youse three fucking trying to set me
up here? Do you think I'm fucking daft?
Aye. You're dumb as fuck.
Just listen to him. He'll tell you.
RHINO: I cannot believe we're having all
this drink and we're no even getting pissed.
Me either, man. I need a fucking drink.
RHINO: You're not getting a drink,
look at the state of you.
Listen to what this book's saying, right.
"Sense explodes
from the murky undergrowth of times past.
"The dank, dark aromas
of yesteryear waft around us. "
What the fuck is that?
- (FARTS)
- (ALL GROANING)
- Good arse.
- CAZ: Dougie!
- RHINO: Dirty, skunky, smelly bastard.
- I've got company.
Sorry, troops, but I need
a fucking drink, man.
ROBBIE: You're disgusting, you, man.
ROBBIE: Don't you bother!
CAZ: Dougie! What you doing?
CAZ: Oh my God!
MO: Oh, don't!
ROBBIE: Fuck's sake, man.
CAZ: Minging, mate.
CAZ: Oh, you are smelling!
RHINO: Check it out.
ROBBIE: You're a dirty, clatty bastard.
Has he finished doing that yet, Mo?
That's actually tasty, by the way.
Peaty and a wee bit lumpy.
(RETCHES)
Oh, God.
ALBERT: Sweet.
MO: Yes.
(TAKES SHOT)
Look at that.
ROBBIE: A wee shot to nothing there.
Just left that long red on.
Is it on?
Four nil.
Points. Four points to nil.
Lucky Alberto.
Albert's played a bit of snooker in his day,
I tell you that.
MO: What the hell was that?
ALBERT: How did that go in there?
RHINO: That's crap.
Oh, man.
Put my balls in that pocket.
Evening, all.
CLANCY: Youse three get to fuck.
I want a word with Robbie.
Fuck off.
You want a word with me?
What, does it fucking take three of youse?
Fuck you, you fucking cunt!
(ALL CLAMORING)
MO: Robbie, run!
Robbie, get outta here! Robbie, run! Run!
CLANCY: You wee fuck!
Oh, fuck.
Fucking caught you, daftie.
Right, no cunt touches him but me.
What are you gonna do with that?
Fucking skelped you before,
I'll skelp you again.
Aye, because you had a fuckin' lucky shot.
Put it down, we'll have a square go right now.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Get out of the way!
Clancy! Get a leash on those bastards!
(MATT YELLING)
Thanks, Matt.
Shut up!
Look at the state of these scumbags.
Some place to bring up a fucking wean.
ROBBIE:
Why can't you just give me a chance?
Just one more chance, Matt,
that's all I'm asking.
I'll look after Leonie.
I'm gonna be a good dad.
You don't get it, do you?
It's too late for you.
Even if you wanted to change,
they're not gonna let you.
You think you can reason with the likes
of Clancy and that? I don't think so.
Your only chance, son,
is getting out of Glasgow.
And I'm gonna help you.
I'll give you five grand
to head to London on your own, new start.
For fuck's sake, Robbie, look at yourself.
What can you offer my daughter, eh?
I mean, look at the state of this place.
Look at the state of your face,
all fucking chib-marked.
No job. Never have a job.
Even the Army wouldn't touch you
with a barge pole.
Can you not see Leonie and Vincent
would be far better off without you?
Vincent?
Aye, Vincent. Leonie's baby. My grandchild.
My son's name's Luke. I named him Luke.
It will always be Luke.
Have you listened to
a fucking word I've said?
You're as thick as shite. Go on, beat it!
Fucking waste of space.
You stupid prick, you!
- Consecrated ground. Show some respect.
- I'm soaking. I swear I'm wringing.
JEAN: You'll live.
What are you doing that for?
Don't listen to him. He's full of it!
He's soaking.
- You all right there, Mo?
- All right, Harry?
- You all right, Robbie?
- I'm fine.
- Everything all right with Luke and Leonie?
- Great, just fucking perfect.
(SIGHS) Fucking perfect, Harry.
Listen, I'm going to Edinburgh
at the weekend.
You fancy coming? A whisky meeting.
I'm skint.
I'll get you the ticket.
- Can I come?
- It's a whisky meeting.
- It's all right, I'm into that.
- Are you?
Aye.
Yeah, all right.
MO: Albert! Rhino!
Going to Edinburgh at the weekend.
- What's that?
- We're going to Edinburgh at the weekend.
- Who is?
- Us. Harry's taking us.
Where we going?
Me and Robbie are going to Edinburgh
for a whisky meeting.
- What, are we coming then?
- MO: Obviously it's all right.
Is that a definite? We can come?
- MO: Obviously it is.
- Yeah, yeah.
Couple of wee glasses of whisky,
that'll be nice.
Willy, you up for it?
- Edinburgh? Aye, I'll go. When is it?
- Weekend, mate.
Oh no, I cannot,
I've got a christening at the weekend.
Bastard.
She'll kill me if I go to Edinburgh, man.
Sorry, Harry, you need to send my apologies,
big man.
Never mind. Maybe next time, eh?
What is that?
- What's he talking about?
- I don't know.
That there. What is that?
RHINO: What, that big thing
on top of the hill?
ALBERT: You cannot miss that. What is that?
- That's Edinburgh Castle, Albert.
- Is it?
- Aye.
- What did they put it up there for?
- Are you taking the piss?
- No.
What did they put it up there for?
Look at it.
What did they put it up...
How the fuck do I know?
- You don't recognise Edinburgh Castle?
- No. I wouldn't have been asking you.
- You been living in a cupboard all your life?
- And what's the matter with that?
- Is there no shortbread in your house?
- You're a fool!
Next time you go home, check all the tins.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the final whisky in our initial tasting,
number five,
is, as you'll see on your chart,
a Lagavulin.
Lagavulin, 16 years old
from the Isle of Islay.
If you have a look at it,
it has a fine deep color,
and a beautiful, rich,
somewhat maritime nose.
Have a little... have a little sip.
Beautiful. It's a lovely sweet start
and then this blast of smoke
just as you swallow.
Very, very elegant.
The Prince of Islays it was once called.
- Gorgeous whisky. Like that whisky?
- Yes.
Now then, the final game.
Erm... A surprise blind tasting,
for which I need four volunteers.
Four volunteers.
- Yes, sir. Great.
- I'll do it.
First volunteer.
- What's your name?
- I'm Garrett from Oakland, California.
- California? Welcome to Edinburgh.
- The West Coast. Thank you.
- Yes, sir, well done.
- Ian McDonald, Inverness.
Inverness. Welcome to Edinburgh.
Now come on, we need another two.
I was just thinking.
One of you young guys at the back.
Let's get a younger nose.
- I'll go with you, I'll go with you.
- (ALL APPLAUDING)
- Well done. What's your name, son?
- I'm Robbie from Carntyne.
Hi. Welcome.
- Hi. Harry from Manchester.
- From Manchester?
Oh, we've got a range...
a range of locations.
Okay. One whisky.
I'll come round in front of you.
Thank you.
And I want you to try and describe it.
And possibly to guess which one it is.
Um... The color tells you
that it's probably got a bit of...
It's probably a mix of casks,
both of American oak and European oak.
A sweet nose.
Come on, describe it to me. Fruity?
- Polish I'm smelling...
- Polish? Yes.
- Wax polish.
- What, like furniture polish?
Yes. Leather and polish and...
I'd certainly agree with that.
So, in the mouth.
Big sweetness to start with.
And then tannic, drying.
Again, it's certainly got
some European oak...
Robbie? Come on, have a wee guess.
I was thinking maybe, er...
A Glenfarclas or maybe a Cragganmore.
Well, you know,
that's very interesting because
I was really swithering
between those two myself. Erm...
- Choose one.
- ROBBIE: Glenfarclas.
Okay. Well, I'll say Cragganmore.
Cragganmore.
I don't usually get it right, actually.
Well done, boys. That was very good.
You were very close, all of you.
Well done. That's great.
In your personal opinion,
not from a book or anything,
what is the finest tasting whisky
in the world that you've ever tasted?
Last night, coincidentally,
I was asked to look at a sample
of a whisky which...
I really do think would be a 10,
a 10 out of 10.
It was the most incredible whisky.
MAN 1: Can you tell us what it was?
MAN 2: Come on, please.
But it will come to auction
within the next couple of weeks,
and my goodness, it'll be all over the...
all over the press.
Erm... It was a strange story
associated with it because
the distillery itself closed
in the early 1960s
and the cask was discovered in a warehouse
a long, long way from where
the original making distillery was located.
And it's supposed that it might have been
an exchange on marriage
between the manager of the distillery
which made this whisky
and the manager of the distillery
where it was found.
GARRETT: You said it's going
to public auction.
Can you give me an idea... a rough idea
of how much a bottle would be worth?
This whisky is so rare... that, erm...
it's unknown.
And a cask of it is simply beyond price.
Never judge a book by its cover, eh?
Can I ask you something?
Try this.
What do you think?
That's easy.
Where did you pick that up?
You've got a very good nose.
Here. Take my card. You never know.
- Thaddeus Maloney?
- Whisky collector.
Know how that whisky guy?
He was standing talking to somebody
and left his papers on the table.
I nicked this from the pile.
I know where the distillery is and the cask.
It's a Malt Mill.
Are you fucking mad, Mo?
What? This could be our big chance
to make money, Robbie.
Make money? If I get caught doing anything
like that, I'll get five years at least.
Do you think they're gonna suspect
scruffs like us?
Look, Mo, I've told Leonie,
I'm done with all of that.
Just hurry up, man. Look, you get caught
every time anyway. Come on.
- Are you sure you have the right address?
- I'm positive.
Maybe I should just wait.
Don't want to fuck up, Leonie.
It's all right, she knows all about you.
Look, it's my auntie's best pal. Come on.
It's on a timer so just change it
to suit yourselves, yeah?
Show you the bathroom? Okay.
Oh, and fridge and freezer's just there.
Basic bathroom. Toilet down the back.
Sink's just there and you've got a bath.
And there's actually a shower over the bath.
And I'll show you, the bedroom's just here.
- It's lovely.
- Thank you.
What I'll do is,
I'll clear out some space in the wardrobe
so you can hang up your belongings.
Give you plenty of room.
All right, well, I'll show you
the living room.
It's so beautiful.
Robbie, what do you think?
Why are you doing this for us?
GRACE: Someone gave me a chance once
and it changed my life.
And it sure sounds like
you two could do with some luck.
Anyway, I'm only in London for six months.
Thanks, Grace.
Thank you.
Now, I can drop you off in the city centre.
Is that okay?
That'd be great.
Thanks very much, that's perfect.
- Thanks, Grace.
- No problem. It's just over here.
(BABY FUSSING)
Hey, wee man, don't start crying now.
I'll take him.
There you go. That's a good boy.
Leonie, do you want to just go
and I'll catch up with you later?
- How? What's up? - Nothing.
I just want to get a feel for the area.
- It's still a bit of a shock.
- That's fine.
Aye, okay. Just give me a call, then.
- See you later.
- See you later, right.
You fucking prick! Fucking following me!
- No, I was seeing my pal.
- Seeing a pal?
- Fucking dick.
- (KNIFE CLICKS)
Do you no fucking understand, you prick?
Eh?
I just want to have my life!
With my fucking family.
You better tell me the truth
or you're getting it. Did you follow me?
HOW?
On my motorbike across the road.
Clancy told me to.
- Have you told him yet?
- No! And I will not.
- Who were you fucking texting then?
- I was texting my fucking mate!
Give me the phone.
- Show me the fucking phone!
- Right. Here you are.
Don't fucking move.
Fuck!
- Fucking knows the address! - I'm sorry,
mate. He's lost the fuckin' plot!
You better fucking tell me.
It's so fucking perfect here.
You've fucking ruined everything for me now.
You're fucking lucky, Sniper. You're lucky
I'm not taking your fucking eye out right now.
Stay there. Don't fucking follow me. Prick!
- Give me my fucking phone back.
- Fuck off!
Fuck you.
(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
Wrong bike, you prick!
Shit! Fuck.
I'm fucking gonna explode, Harry.
I can feel it in my bones.
I'm scared. Scared the next time
I won't be able to stop.
I was this close. This fucking close
to taking someone's eye out.
I scared myself, Harry.
Leonie's dad's right. Once you're involved
in this shit you cannot get out.
Leonie's dad?
All you've gotta do is keep your head down.
Keep out of sight for awhile.
- Gonna fuck off to London, Harry.
- What?
Gonna fuck off to London.
Psycho-balls offered me five grand.
You what? Leonie's dad's gonna help you?
He's bought you off?
I don't believe this. You're gonna piss off
and leave Leonie and Luke?
Harry, what am I meant to do?
I cannot get a job.
I cannot even get an interview for a job.
I cannot drag my family
through a homeless unit.
They're better off where they are.
Listen, you can't do this.
Now, take it from me.
Time passes and things change.
You might never see them again.
You can't do this.
There's gotta be something else.
Have you ever tried a Malt Mill?
What?
A Malt Mill, have you ever tried it?
No, I haven't, no.
It's... It's the Holy Grail.
ROBBIE: This is, without doubt, a genuine
Malt Mill, the only cask left in existence,
and since there are only three known bottles,
and two of these are suspected fakes,
every serious collector
in the world would pay a fortune.
In my view, it is likely that the sale could
raise in excess of a million pounds.
What?
- No way.
- Fuck me.
A million smackeroonies.
My body is pure shaking, honestly.
- If you were a man you'd have a hard-on.
- (THUMPING)
Have a wee seat, guys. Please. Just till
we have a serious think about this.
RHINO: I mean, what is that? Like a quarter
of a million each or something?
Right, this is what's happening.
They're gonna have the auction
where the cask is,
away up North in Dornoch Firth.
Then what they'll do is invite
the richest collectors, dealers,
to come for a tasting session
with the Grand Master.
- That's followed by a cellik in a
local hotel. - MO: A ceilidh you mean?
Well, a ceilidh, smartarse. In a
local hotel, and that's the 16th of June.
What the fuck is a "Firth"? Dornoch Firth?
We'll probably need huskies,
maybe even a boat, depending where it is.
Even if we find this place,
how are we gonna get away with it?
It'll be like fucking Alcatraz or something.
And then when we get it,
who's gonna take it off of scum like us?
MO: Speak for yourself.
It's equivalent to having
the Mona Lisa in your bedroom.
Mona who?
RHINO: Mona Lisa.
You know, the Mona Lisa.
All right, I'm just asking, fuck's sake.
You know, when I was in prison,
I met this old guy.
Smart old cunt. Used to read books and that.
And he used to tell a tale about
an Arab smuggler
who used to go across the border
every day with bags of straw and his donkey.
He admitted to the guards he was a smuggler,
so every day they used to search him.
They couldn't find a thing.
Once he retired, one of the guards found him
one day and says to him,
"Right, come on, tell us. You've gotta
tell us now. What have you been smuggling?"
The old guy smiles and turns round
and says, "Donkeys.
"I was smuggling donkeys. "
How in the name of fuck
can we get a donkey away up there?
- RHINO: You're a donkey.
- I was just about to say that.
We're taking a donkey.
Thing is, look at us. Eh? We'll stick out
like a couple of sore thumbs up there.
May as well have "Criminals on community
service" tattooed on our forehead.
We're all wearing trackies.
We look like neds, right?
You put on a suit then
it just looks like we're going to court.
Especially you, Robbie.
I know what you're saying, guys.
Kilts!
We could wear kilts.
Nobody ever bothers anybody wearing a kilt.
We'd just look like friendly wee cunts
up the Highlands.
Whisky train spotters, know what I mean?
Albert Einstein.
ALBERT: Albert Einstein?
Who the fuck's that?
RHINO: He was a friend of Mona's.
Remember Mona?
For fuck's sake. We're back to Mona now.
What's next, "donkey"? Come on.
Arse!
Arse!
- Come on. Please!
- Now they've gotta let us on.
Stop the bus!
They're stopping. They're stopping.
(ALL CLAMORING)
What did I tell you?
Fuck me. Sound Of Music.
- (ALL GASPING)
- RHINO: Hey, Albert!
Sorry, Sisters, you cannot control
these Protestants, you know.
I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked
a thousand miles
To fall down at your door
When I'm working
Yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man
who's working hard for you
And when the money
comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home
When I come home
Oh, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man
who comes back home to you
And if I grow old
Well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man
who's growing old with you
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more...
ALL: Cheese!
Lovely. Thank you.
GIRL: Are you from Highlands?
RHINO: Actually, my great, great
grandfather, he was a Highland chief.
This kilt is the tartan and I wear it
with pride every time I put it on.
That's why you wear it back to front?
Oh, right.
But I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks
a thousand miles...
Albert. Come on, mate. Nearly there.
ROBBIE: Come on to fuck, mate.
It's this sporran, man,
it keeps banging off my tadger.
My fucking balls are killing. Fucking no
wonder the Highlands are deserted, man.
Fucking, my meat and two veg
are taking a hammering here.
ROBBIE: God.
Clatty tadger.
RHINO: It's no your sporran
that's hurtin' your baws.
Guys! What the fuck youse playing at?
It's Alberto!
Fucking in agony here. Fuck's sake,
and you're leaving me away behind?
And I'm starving.
Fucking palpi-fucking-tations in my heart.
Fucking chaffed bollocks.
I'm fucking raging.
(ALL LAUGH)
Shocking by the way. Youse are shocking.
All right.
- Fuck's sake, man.
- Fuck's sake, Albert. What you doing?
Fucking howling hoofs!
Give us one of those pieces over, eh?
MO: Fuck off! Go and wash your hands,
you clatty bastard. Disgustin'!
- Look, mate, that'll cheer you up
- For God's sake!
Balblair Distillery.
The promised land. Treasures in there, mate.
Fucking treasures.
Ah, but one wee problem.
It's in there, we're out here.
No fucking plan,
and I'm risking my foreskin for fuck all.
Before we left I made a phone call.
We're gonna go and meet somebody.
What the fuck have you been up to?
Just fucking trust me and you'll find out.
- How you doin?
- Pleasure to meet you.
All the way from Glasgow, eh?
That's an impressive trip.
So this is the Carntyne Malt Whisky Club?
Well, thanks for seeing us, Mr. Dobie.
We're just newly set up.
My name's Robbie. I'm the President.
This here's Albert, Financial Secretary.
Rhino looks after new membership.
And Mo, Social Secretary and general
procurement of whatever we need.
Oh, very impressive. Good.
And what can we do for you?
Well, we've read the reports and, for us,
the auction of a Malt Mill is
more important than landing on the moon.
We've come to ask for your autograph
and, if possible, for the newsletter,
could we get a photograph of you
with the cask?
(CHUCKLES)
And only if it's no bother, also,
if you could let us witness the tasting with
the Master of Quaich, Mr. Rory McAllister.
It's just so we could tell the grandchildren
that we were there.
Isn't that sweet?
It's more than sweet.
This is just so impressive.
- That ain't very good, is it?
- It's up, isn't it?
Do you know something?
I can't believe you dragged us all the way
up here to risk us to get the jail for fuck all.
Shut it. Give us your Irn-Bru bottles.
They've even got our photos as well now.
With my record,
when they know it's gone I'm fucked.
I thought you were smart.
Once they know? But they're not gonna know.
Nothing's gonna go missing.
Everything's gonna be all right.
It's all good.
Are you off your head?
And did you no see how fucking big
the lock were on the door?
And the camera and the alarms?
The camera and the alarms? There's one
camera. One alarm. There's none inside.
How do you know that?
I asked the fucking secretary. The last
reported theft was with the Vikings.
Listen, during the tasting,
everybody's eyes are gonna be glued
to the Master. Right?
So when we go in,
youse will cover me. No one will see us.
I'll simply drift in
behind the barrels. Right?
During the night, be all locked up,
I'll give youse a text.
Youse will come over with the gear,
the bottles and stuff.
(INAUDIBLE)
Hello.
I hope you're not gonna outbid me.
You never know, Mr. Maloney.
You never know.
Right, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Balblair Distillery
on what is a unique day
in the history of the distillery.
We are privileged to have with us
Master of the Quaich,
who will evaluate what's in here.
So, without further ado I shall turn you
over to Rory McAllister.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Thank you, Angus.
And may I add my welcome to his.
This is, without doubt,
a most unusual occasion.
The discovery of this
small cask of Malt Mill
is unprecedented.
Now then, the moment of truth.
Would you like to draw the bung?
Right. Gentlemen...
Choose your weapons.
Oh, that was well done.
Thank you very much.
You'll see by the color that it's got
a gorgeous deep amber color,
but not the sort of color
you'd expect from European oak.
This is... I think it's probably been
matured in an American oak butt.
Lovely bright color.
It really, I can...
I wish I could share it with you.
It is one of the most extraordinary whiskies
I've ever had the pleasure to taste.
It's got these lovely maritime notes.
The faded smokiness that you'd expect
from a whisky of this age.
Superb.
Absolutely sublime.
- Mmm!
- (ALL CHUCKLING)
- Can I have another one, please?
- (ALL CHUCKLING)
ALBERT: Robbie. That's us.
- Happy days, Albert.
- Here, here.
Right, here, Albert, take that.
Grab that through.
Now listen, Albert. Keep it as low
as you possibly can and start sucking.
- Get the bottles ready.
- MO: They're ready.
Don't spill a drop.
Right, go.
Here it comes, boys, here it comes.
- Look at that, man, that's fucking magic.
- MO: That's it, we've got it.
- And don't spill any of that, remember.
- MO: Don't worry.
Listen, I'll be two minutes.
I've gotta check this end, okay?
Albert? There's nothing spilling, mate.
We're all good here.
- MO: Brilliant. That's us on the fourth bottle.
- What, already? Fucking superb.
RHINO: Shit! Robbie,
there's a motor pulling into the car park.
Fuck! Give me it in, quick.
Give me it in. Shit.
- Give me this through. Grab the bottles.
- MO: Hurry up!
RHINO: I've got the bottles.
Just go, all right?
Fuck. Fuck. Shit.
DOBIE: Here we are.
I can't believe I left the gauze off.
That'll be the excitement of the occasion.
Glass?
MALONEY: Thank you, Angus. Thank you.
DOBIE: Right.
MALONEY: I'll die a happy man.
That's plenty.
MALONEY: Beautiful.
DOBIE: Breaks my heart to see it go.
And my little suggestion, Angus,
who would ever know?
It's a win-win situation. Nobody loses.
My client only wants three bottles,
one to keep, one to swap,
one to drink with his friends.
But I don't think he'll match the American.
DOBIE: And what about provenance?
I mean, he'll want proof.
- Not a stickler for detail.
- At that price?
Drop in the ocean.
He knows. That's enough.
Between me and you and these four walls.
Be quite a nest egg.
I don't have the nerve.
MALONEY: Pity.
AUCTIONEER: 700,000, the bid's at the back
Are you coming back, sir, at 700,000?
720.
720,000.
New bidder on my right. 740.
740,000.
It's right at the back of the room now.
780. 780,000.
Near me now at 780,000.
New bidder right in the centre now
at 800,000. The bid's at 800.
820. 820,000 seated.
840. 840,000.
We're coming on the phones now
at 840. 860,000.
With the telephone bid now at 860.
Are we done now at 860?
880,000.
On the left now at 880. 900,000.
920, I'll take. 920 from the gentleman
seated on my left. Now at 920.
960 in front. 960,000.
It's in the room against the telephones now.
980,000 bid.
Are we done in the room now at 980,000?
You're done, sir, now at 980,000?
It's right in the centre at 980...
New bidder at 1 million.
1 million.
New bidder on the left-hand side now
at 1 million.
Is there any further interest now
at 1 million? Are you done, sir?
The bid's on the left at 1 million.
Do I hear 1,020,000?
1,020,000 to bid.
1,040,000. 1,040,000.
It's still on the left at... 1,060,000.
1,060,000.
Still in front of me now at 1,060,000.
Are you done now, sir, at 1,060,000?
1,000,000. 1,000,000.
The gentleman on my left now at 1,080,000.
Do I hear 1.1 million, sir?
Any advance at one...
Are we looking for1.1 million?
1.1 million.
1.1 million.
Bid's in the centre now at 1.1 million.
Any advance now at 1.1 million pounds?
Are you done, sir, now at 1.1 million...
And 20.
It's on the left at 1,120,000...
1,150,000.
1,150,000.
It's against you, sir, now at 1,150,000.
Do I hear another bid, sir? At 1,150,000.
At 1,150,000...
The bid's still with you,
sir, at 1,150,000.
Any further interest at 1,150,000?
It's yours, sir, at 1,150,000...
Two-oh-nine.
Thanks very much. Thank you.
- Many congratulations. Well done.
- Thank you very much.
- Could I ask who was your bidder?
- I don't even know his name.
Nation?
Moscow, that's all I know.
Many congratulations, sir.
That's an auction record. Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
- Could you give us your name, please, sir?
- They call me Jim Vincent.
- Where are you from?
- Westport, Connecticut.
- And... And are you gonna have a drink?
- I hope so.
Yes, he is.
- DOBIE: Try not to spill any of this.
- Far too precious.
WOMAN: How does it compare?
It's absolutely exquisite.
It's really great.
Thank you, thank you very, very much.
Thank you.
Commiserations.
My client gets what he wants. Always.
He's not best pleased, I can tell you.
It's actually congratulations
on not throwing a million pounds
down the pan.
Oh, my God.
My God!
I don't believe it.
How much have you got?
One to keep, one to swap
and one to drink with my mates.
You didn't do a deal with Dobie?
Hasn't got the nerve.
You little bastard. I'll be damned.
- How much do you want?
- 200,000.
With no provenance? Not a chance.
"Not a stickler for detail",
that's what I heard.
And that's not all. I want a job.
I want a real job.
- Can you get it to Glasgow?
- Not a problem.
- You've still got my card?
- I have.
Text me your number,
I'll be there Wednesday.
Don't fuck up.
RHINO: Shit, it's PC Plod.
I fucking know that guy. He hates me.
MO: Fuck. Come on, we'll make a run for it.
ROBBIE: Nobody move.
- RHINO: They're not gonna catch us all.
- Nobody move.
POLICEMAN: Can I have
a quick word, please?
Good afternoon, Constable.
Hello, ladies.
A little bit of country dancing, eh?
And what the hell
have you been robbing, Miss?
Nothing, Officer.
Back up against the wall, please.
Put the bags down by your side.
- Is there any need for this?
- Come on, it's not a talking competition.
You got anything on you
I need to know about?
No, not at all, mate.
Okay, just turn around.
Okay, just empty your bag out, please.
Arms out, sir.
Anything on you I should know about?
Just my sleeping bag.
Do you want me to open it?
You not wash your socks, son?
ALBERT: There was no
washing machine where I was.
Oh, excuse me.
Okay, girls, we'll catch you later,
so to speak.
See you.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Wait.
You think I forgot, eh?
Let's have you.
- Come on. Just come over, guys.
- What?
Over here now. Not you, Miss.
- Up with the kilts.
- Are you having a laugh?
- You'll never sleep again, Officer.
- Shut up.
Up, I said.
- Jesus Christ, what happened to you?
- It's a long story, pal.
Go easy.
You better get some cream on that, man.
- Have you got any on you?
- Turn round, for goodness sake.
It's like a fire hydrant.
You want a wee sample there?
POLICEMAN:
Should have brought my welding mask.
- Is that us done?
- On you go, and behave yourselves.
- See you later, eh?
- No, hopefully not.
Albert, calm down.
Just ignore them. Calm it.
Fucking molesting
some fucking innocent civilians.
RHINO: It's cos I pissed him off last time.
ALBERT: Fucking shocking.
Fucking police, man.
We shall not be moved!
Billy Connolly. Robert the Bruce.
Braveheart, ya bastards!
Alex Ferguson!
We are the fucking champions!
- Cheers!
- (SCREAMS)
You're kidding me on. Give me that.
Don't spill any more of that.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
Did that really just happen?
You are a fucking idiot!
You see that whisky pouring away?
That's your share. Gone!
Story of my life.
- Can I just say...
- Say fuck all!
Youse are getting nothing! Not a penny.
- Just a little point. - Just a wee
fucking point? You're damn right!
Fuck up, Albert.
- It's the last thing I'll say to youse.
- You're damn right it is.
See that big fat balls,
I'll nail them to that fucking sporran!
- Listen. - Albert, I think
it's best if you just shut up.
Listen. If there was only
four bottles left in the entire world
then that makes them very,
very precious. Right?
Right, but you're just a fucking idiot!
But if there was only two bottles
left in the entire world,
then that makes them
even more fucking precious.
Common sense. Supply and demand.
Market fucking forces.
Thaddeus is gonna go mental.
I don't want youse winding him up, so
I think it's best if youse just wait here.
Wait here? We'll just come in with you,
it'll be cool.
No, no, no. You are staying with me.
- You're going nowhere.
- Aye, just wait here.
And, Albert, don't fuck it up.
Don't attract attention to yourself.
Right?
We could have gone in with him.
Stay here.
(ALL CHATTER INDISCERNIBLY)
There's nothing to see.
I can't see nothing here.
The tension's killing me.
- Bend down, let us on your shoulders.
- Oh, fuck off. No.
- Aye, go. He's right.
- Come on.
I cannot stand this tension.
Oof! Albert!
(RHINO GROANS)
RHINO: What's happening?
ALBERT: They're just sitting down.
They're just having a wee chat.
Wait for it. Two secs.
What's going on?
He doesn't look a happy chappie.
Definitely not amused.
- Who, for fuck's sake?
- Thaddeus.
By the looks of it,
he's just about to have a heart attack.
No wonder. What about Robbie?
Wait. There's been a development.
MO: What the fuck does that mean?
ALBERT: A Checkpoint Charlie moment.
What?
An exchange of packages.
What else could it mean?
Here, it's looking good.
Wait, he's handing him
something else and all.
MO: For God's sake.
Don't know what it is. I cannot really see.
- RHINO: Albert!
- Wait there! Hold it the noo.
Jesus Christ.
Fuck me, man,
chaffed balls part two.
Fuck!
I think you were easy on him.
Well?
Relax. A hundred grand.
Twenty-five grand each.
We'll divide it up later.
(ALL CHEERING)
- You're lucky.
- Give us a kiss.
- This is brilliant.
- Was he raging?
Take it or leave it. A Malt Mill.
- This is brilliant. What's that?
- Have a look.
RHINO: So who's the old geezer?
It's a friend of Thaddeus.
He runs a distillery.
- He's gonna give us a job. Teach us.
- Superb.
You'll probably be up a lonely mountain.
Probably turn into a wee sheep-shagger.
It's not far from Stirling.
We'll get a wee house there, in the city.
I can't believe he paid all that money
for just two bottles.
Two bottles? Try one bottle.
- What?
- What happened to the other one?
"Thanks for giving me a chance. Robbie. "
(CHUCKLES) You buggers.
Classic.
- Do you like it, mate?
- It's crackin', man.
MO: Grab a bag.
Cheers, Mo.
ROBBIE: What do you think?
Where did you get it?
- Goes with the job.
- A VW campervan?
RHINO: It's because he has to visit
all these distilleries,
and it's cheaper than staying in a hotel.
- Fucking cutbacks. It's a fucking disgrace.
- Aye.
- Where will I put the baby?
- In the back, come on.
Right, gulls-
We'll get youse over
once we're settled in, eh?
Give us a cuddle, big man.
- Thanks, mate, I owe you.
- I owe you, mate.
Alberto.
- Don't let that fresh air wear you down.
- Miss you, mate.
- You take care, right.
- I will, man.
- Mo, thanks for everything, pal.
- Gonna miss you, Robbie.
I'll check my pockets, you wee cunt.
Mind, guys. Don't spend it
on the slot machines. Do something.
- Be good, mate, eh?
- Take care.
Won't forget youse.
RHINO: He's turned out all right, eh?
- A wean, a bird, a motor.
- And a job.
- He's done well.
- He has.
So what now?
Lots of dosh.
Fuck it. Let's get wasted.
- Hey! All right, good call, mate.
- Sounds good.
You're a scamp, Robbie Emmerson.
From the first day I saw you.
( The Proclaimers: I'm Gonna Be)
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks
a thousand miles
To fall down at your door
And I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who'd walk
a thousand miles
To fall down at your door