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The Aristocrats (2005)
"The joke leads me down one path" | and then it switches the path on me suddenly,
and it hits me with a hammer. It's just, "Here we go, "folks. " You have outstretched yourself when you're | doing it right, on making it as horrific as you "can. " - And bam! | - Fan them with as polite a title as you "can. " - The "Aristocrats. " | - The "Aristocrats. " - The "Aristocrats. " | - What? I've heard the "joke. " | But I don't remember what was so "bad. " I remember that I... fainted. That joke's been "around. " | The Aristocrats is a "classic. " They told it on the Nina or the Pinta or Santa | Maria when Columbus was crossing the "ocean. " I think Lincoln told me, I'm not quite "sure. " I was at the theatre at the time, I was an "usher. " Of all the jokes to do a documentary about, | you chose this one? "There was the Secret Society - | Chevy Chase, Michael O'Donoghue. John Belushi and some others. They had this coven of people | who would tell this joke over and over "again. " Chevy Chase supposedly used to have "parties. " | And the criteria was, you had the mom, the dad, the son, | the daughter, and a "dog. " And you had to talk with some combination | of that without repeating "yourself. " If you repeated yourself, you were "out. " The idea was we gotta break a half an "hour. " We gotta get - we gotta make this joke | last more than half an "hour. " I don't know whether they ever "did. " | O'Donoghue came "close. " But died in the "attempt. " Not well known. I heard Michael O'Donoghue did it | for 90 minutes "once. " It's the only joke I know that people talk about. I'm always shocked when people | don't know this "joke. " It's "pervasive. " It's a burlesque kind of a "joke. " It had been kicked around a "lot. " I remember it - | the same you remember any "first. " Like the first time | you hear a cut from a Lenny Bruce "album. " Shocking! You'd never heard "that. " I heard it from a gentleman | who ran Second City in "Chicago. " ...UCLA, working on the humour magazine, | the editor told me the "joke. " - Bill Hicks - that's where I heard "it. " | - I first heard the Aristocrats while doing blow in Catch A Rising Star with Richard "Belzer. " This joke is a friend of every comedian | in the "world. " I first went to the Improv nightclub | in New York in '73. Did some stand-up comedy, | became the manager, and got to meet | the best young comedians of that time. Got a real education in the comedy world. One of the things that was consistent | wherever you went was "the... " Aristocrats "joke. " I had heard about the Aristocrats "joke. " We do comedy | and we work places that have comedy, but we're also in the magic world, | so we're kind of observers of the comedy "world. " There was always a secret handshake | "of... " of a whole culture thing, that was, to me, | symbolised by the joke, the "Aristocrats. " I don't think comics should be that proud, | quite frankly, about repeating a joke | that's been going on since Bud Friedman opened the first Improv | next to the "pyramids. " You dig? Comedians didn't tell this kind of joke on "stage. " How many people tell jokes on stage? People usually have routines | or they string together small "observations. " You don't do joke-jokes on stage "ever. " | That's a kiss of "death. " You're viewed as a "hack. " You know the way those urban legends go? People always knew somebody | who saw this guy doing "it. " But I never saw anyone performing "it. " It's a kind of joke you love telling other "comics. " We told them to each "other. " | Not to do with our "act. " It was the kind of thing that you would share | with the "musicians. " It just remained in the business, swirling "round. " - Funnier stuff happened after the audience "left. " | - We're "different. " We're in "here. " There's no "rules. " Headmaster's home, we had the | dormitory to "ourselves. " "Wait till you hear "this. " I have a recollection of the joke being told | at about five o'clock in the morning for a bunch of "comedians. " You always saved it - like a "powerhouse. " It was one of those toppers you could pull "out. " There was almost like a chorus of the punch | "line. " "And what's it called?" But the jokes that we loved telling, | and the jokes I always loved, were jokes that have this body of performance | in the "middle. " It's a show-offy, kind of an inside thing | for performing "comics. " Garry Shandling told it to me as the way I told it, | word for word, at the Emo, which is like playing | the telephone "game. " There's the basic framework, but then every | comedian puts his own imprimatur on the "joke. " And really makes it their "own. " I don't know the standard telling of this joke | any more, it's "lost. " Well, it's a vaudeville "agent. " Jay Marshall is the definitive joke-teller on that, even though he's not known as a comedian, because he is from the variety "arts. " Jay Marshall turns out to be the one who tells | the Aristocratsjoke for the Legman book. It's the last story in the "book. " He gets the whole thing across | in a few "sentences. " A vaudeville agent is interviewing acts, | and an act comes "in. " He says, "What do you do?" "Well, my wife and I come out and take | our clothes off and we shit on the stage and the kids come out and wallow in "it. " He says, "What kind of an act do you call that?" He says, "We call it the "Aristocrats. " The joke "sucks. " You suck for having the idea | of putting this on a "documentary. " I hate the "joke. " A piece of shit stolen... pretend to be "humour. " Although the premise is "funny. " | Let me "just... " Let me backtrack just a "bit. " Well, it's a perfectly crafted "joke. " A two-word punch "line. " And since the middle is open | you can do anything with "it. " It's like a jazz "theme. " There's the basic melody | but anybody can improvise on "it. " And I cannot remember for the life of me, | what the details of the act "were. " I just knew as I was hearing it | you could do what you want with "it. " As long as you got to the, | "What do you call the act?" "The "Aristocrats. " You just wanna shock the people so when you come back, the juxtaposition | of their name becomes the "laugh. " It's filled with "vulgarity. " Not kind of vulgar, "it's... " it's "revolting. " It's disgusting, and then the punch "line. " And then the punch line is sort of "uplifting. " The more vulgar it is, | the more ironic becomes the punch "line. " The more grotesqueries, the better of "it. " That's the craft, | the art is how you make that "turn. " That's the thing you can't "bottle. " | That's a performance "thing. " Guy goes into the agent's office and he says, "I've got an act for "you. " Wait till you hear "this. " | "Tell me a little about"it. "What's the act?" He says, "My wife and I come out on "stage. " I've taken a lot of medicine, prior to the "appearance. " And I've eaten a lot of cabbages and "things. " She lies down on the stage, I squat over her, I pull down my "pants. " And I shit in her mouth, it's mostly "liquid. " | It's like a diarrhoeic "thing. " I try to include corn and things that will not | break down in the digestive "system. " Peanuts, of "course. " I try to get a lot of solid objects | so that's there's a little action "too. " It's not just a stream of brown "liquid. " And it all goes "into... " | I can hit her mouth pretty "well. " I do have one polyp - | I have a large, kind of a haemorrhoidal polyp that sometimes throws my aim off | and I have "to... " It's kind of like Kentucky windage, | but I usually get "it. " I can hear whether it's hitting | the hollow area of her "throat. " So I get as much as I can in there | and then she gargles with "it. " You hear the "gargling. " She gargles and "gargles. " And then she swallows "it. And... " we're off- it's about five minutes "total. " The guy says, "Oh. " What do you call the act?" "The "Aristocrats. " I was making that up - I guess you could "tell. " The fun of it is where you improvise | on the grossness, doing the John Coltrane version of "it. " This joke was a joy for comics to tell mainly | because it was such a foul chunk of time that you could just be describing | the most foul "things. " There's nothing you could come up with | that would be "wrong. " A blank slate, and you get to "play. " You get to "play. " How many new things could you think of | to make this group of people bizarre? Whether it's a shuffleboard | up a nice animal's behind, or whether people are swimming in "manure. " A young girl comes on stage singing | Nearer My God To Thee while juggling "torches. " These are my two children - they pass gas to | the tune of What A Wonderful World, in "unison. " One of the sons is playing a xylophone | with his "cock. " A midget uncle with three dicks | coming out of his "head. " I come out, dressed as Hitler, | in crotchless "panties. " I am catching the ping pong balls | and I am catching them in my "ass. " He comes on my wife's "tits. " We wait | till it hardens and I chip it off with a "chisel. " - Six midgets come "out... " | - They have sex in a kiddie pool, full of beef entrails and aborted "foetuses. " Little midgets, they all start coming, one by "one. " And shoot thousands of jism | into hundred-dollar "seats. " You know how the fountains at the Bellagio | are coordinated? That was what these guys pulled "off. " My grandmother, on the stage, has an "abortion. " Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland "pony. " The kids are Siamese twins, | attached at the "ass. " My grandfather is the "jockey. " | Comes in third and paid "280." The Siamese twins give each other | reach-arounds and jerk each other "off. " I don't know whether the object is to be | as offensive as possible or whether use it judiciously in the right places | as a build-up to the punch "line. " I like to explain how to tell the joke - | you already heard the "joke. " So when you wanna tell the joke | you have to make sure it's really "filthy. " Guy goes into a talent agent's and says, | "I've have the greatest "act. " "What's the act?" That's all you gotta "memorise. " You can ad-lib, right up to the punch "line. " | All you gotta do is remember one "word. " I always make it up, every time I tell it, | something "different. " They would be naked, | something to do with "peeing. " We're high-flying trapeze performers, | we fly over the audience doing triple "gainers. " We piss over the first three "rows. " Include "faeces. " Takes a crap on stage, jumps in the pile of "shit. " They take a big group "shit. " The women slide on their asses | all the way up through this "shit. " We just roll around in the "shit. " And they start skating in the "shit. " | You know, people skate in "shit. " Dabbles in the "shit. " Do a little "dance. " | Dabbles in piss, do a little "dance. " Waddling in the shit and piss | and they're wiping it in each other's "faces. " - One of them takes a "shit. " | - And everybody slides through "it. " They end up in the splits in the "shit. " | They go into the splits and have a big "finish. " That's the finish? | I thought they peed on each "other. " Include "vomit. " Gets sick, "vomits. " Eats the "vomit. " Everybody starts "puking. " One of them vomited, | and it made everybody else "sick. " "Wait. Wait. That" made everybody sick? Hey, shit and pee? No "problem. " | You add vomit - forget "it. " "Scatological... " it's edge humour, | pushing the edge of what you can "take. " And once the edge is crossed, | you get "hysterical. " Me and my wife come up on "stage. " | She takes a dump in this big metal "bucket. " She's got a bucket of shit, | pours on it the guy's "head. " My son, he's three years "old. " This is the part that's "adorable. " | Takes a bucket of shit, throws it in her "face. " She takes the bucket of puke, shit and piss, puts it over her head and starts parading | on stage like a little midget "Nazi. " Such disgusting references, one after "another. " It kind of makes its own gravy, this "joke. " It's a disgusting "joke. " It's "shit. " But the only reason I could say that | is because I'm really kind of an "aristocrat. " Do they actually eat shit at any point | during the act? Absolutely. Shitting, and eating "it. " She reaches into grandpa's diapers, | pulls out a bowl of shit and eats it like an "apple. " I've heard bringing animals and bestiality into "it. " I forgot the "dog. " There's a dog "too. " And the dog! Uh-oh! Then the dog fucks the "girl. " That's called "bestiality. " It's in the "Bible. " It's in my diary. He says it's in his "diary. " And I knew his "dog. " I've heard "er... " - Maybe we could do a "version. " | - All "right. " Unbelievable - along with the dog, | the entire family is "involved. " It's a family act which adds | such a fucked-up dimension to it, "anyway. " Include children in the "act. " Unspeakable acts that the children | are performing with and on each "other. " People can get up on stage | if they wanna finger my niece, or touch my nephew's "penis. " There should be high-risk behaviour, | mixing of body fluids, blood from every "hole. " A lot of you are probably saying, | "Wait. " Backtrack a little "here. " Where did the blood come from? | You didn't say anything about "blood. " Well, if a guy is fist-fucking his daughter, | who's young and her asshole is pretty small, and this is a grown man, with a big "hand. " He could be, like, a "longshoreman. " He could have arms like "Popeye. " Where it's like, the arm is like that wide | and her asshole is that "small. " Think about that for a "second. " I'll "wait. " Well, naturally she's gonna be "bleeding. " | I'm just making a "point. " The people are abusing each "other. " | There's "incest. " And all the things that cross "lines. " So you get to play with | people's little danger "zones. " I fucked my wife, | I fucked my sister, my "son. " Everybody's fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, "fuck. " It's like a Tourette's syndrome "joke. " I'm horrified and yet drawn to it, it's "like... " a dog with three legs - | you don't wanna look but you "just... " It's a perfect "joke. " Just hearing out loud, | descriptions of "giddy shit-covered"incest"." And other poems by Maya "Angelou. " It is the one joke where you get to invent | every sick act you could imagine, load it up into this joke and never actually | be accused of gilding the "lily. " So the way I heard it was, | it was always a very sweet "beginning. " That was what killed "me. " | The sweetness of the guy who walks in, knocks on this very talented talent agency, | he says, "We have an "act. " | Can I have a moment of your time?" "You have one "minute. " Tell me about your "act. " He says, "Well, it's a very different "act. " | It's a bit of a "novelty. " Myself, my wife and "kids. " First I come "out. " | I'm in a tuxedo, my wife is in a "gown. " The music starts, we do a "dance. " My wife lifts her skirt, I start fucking "her. " She's sucking "me. " | My son comes in, drops his "draws. " Now he's fucking my "wife. " | I have a daughter, 15, she comes "in. " My wife is going down on my son, | my son has his arm up my "daughter. " It's a beautiful thing, music comes to a "finish. " We're all fucking, and everybody is "just... " My daughter is on her back, | she grabbing my son and myself in both "hands. " My wife is "singing. " And then we all drop our draws | and take a huge shit on the "stage. " Guy says, "That's a hell of an "act. " | What do you call yourselves?" He says, "The "Aristocrats. " So there is the joke, that you get to actually say | somebody had their arm up their "daughter. " Which you don't really hear "often. " Some people, when they tell it, | really focus on the faecal "matter. " Other people really focus on the "incest. " And to me, in my own personal life, | those two are rarely, if ever, "separate. " So shock is one only thing that "happens. " It comes with "it. " | The other thing is the art of the "joke. " You have to see pee first, instead of shit "first. " Then you go to fuck, or then you go to fuck | and then pee and go to "shit. " I prefer the pee "first. " To me, you've gotta save the scatological | for the "end. " If you put it in the middle, you have nothing | left to "close. " Fuck, fuck, "suck. " And then on top of that, took a big "shit. " You need that separation, I "feel. " | Otherwise, it's "chaos. " I've got it as incest next to "shit-eating. " - "Dog-fucking. " | - Dog-fucking. I'm all about dog-fucking. Shit-eating, dog-fucking, "incestuous. " Me and my wife go on "stage. " | We get undressed and I start nailing "her. " As I'm fucking my wife | she takes a dump in this "bucket. " My son comes out, | he pours kerosene in the bucket, lights it on "fire. " Our trained dog Fifi comes out, jumps through | a ring of "fire. " My son fucks the "dog. " My daughter comes out, the dog fucks "her. " We all say, "Good night, you've been "great. " | Standing ovation every "time. " It starts with a little "dick-sucking. " The gals drop to their knees, | start sucking off the "boys. " And let me tell you, | when my seven-year-old daughter is giving a blow job to my eleven-year-old son, | it's "priceless. " And then we move on to the "fucking. " "But... we" move over "one. " Now I'm fucking my daughter, | my son is fucking his grandmother and my father is fucking my "wife. " And then the denouement - the "butt-fucking. " We move over one more "time. " So I'm fucking my mother in the "ass. " | My son is fucking his mother in the "ass. " My father is fucking his granddaughter | in the "ass. " The men pull out, jerk off into a dish, and the women slurp it "down. " It's a real "crowd-pleaser. " Family "act. " I go on stage, start to jerk off in a shot "glass. " My wife comes out, takes a belt of my splooge, | takes off her skirt, shits in a "bucket. " My son pulls the shit out of the bucket, | starts juggling it while he's pissing into the mouth of his older sister, | who is being butt-fucked by the "dog. " Grandpa drops his pants, | starts fucking the dog in the "ass. " And the show ends with a big circle-jerk | around "Grandma. " Here's the "kicker. " Grandma is "dead. " I mean, it has be really filthy dirty - the "act. " It should start off, | let's say it just starts off "titillating. " And then it turns "pornographic. " Then it starts to be the kind of thing | where if your daughter was involved you'd have to go and help her, | you know, at any "cost. " The police might not even step "in. " And then the talent agent says, | "That's"awful. "What do you call the act?" Like he wants to know, | like the name's the important "thing. " I don't understand why he would say "that. " | It doesn't matter what it's "called. " Because no-one is gonna book this "show. " Where did these people find employment? How did they develop this act? What made them think this was entertaining? I mean it's surprising they "haven't... " | that they're not all in "jail. " I "mean... and waiting... " waiting for the death "penalty. " You can put people to death for what goes on | in the best versions of this "joke. " Cos you're probably saying, | if you have any sense of human decency, "Well, why didn't he stop them the minute | he saw the father unzipping his pants?" And saying, "This is totally "wrong. " Call the "cops. " | Something horrible's "happening. " This is a family | who are raping their own "children. " And performing "bestiality. " Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen?" But that's a whole other "story. " But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" | Because in a joke that's what "happens. " There's no legal system at all in play in a "joke. " And then the guy goes, "The "Aristocrats. " And I always throw in "that. " That seems to make the whole "joke. " | "The "Aristocrats. " - "The "Aristocrats. " | - Oh, "yeah. " "The "Aristocrats. " I think it's all in the "snap. " Here's for "Drew. " - How many people do that when they tell it? | - "One. " - I'm the only one? | - "Yeah. " Really? Oh, "man. " I always, "like... " | I always tell it like "that. " Do they do that "or...?" - "The "Aristocrats. " | - "The "Aristocrats. " "The "Aristocrats. " "The "Aristo... " I never make it to the "end. " I "crumble. " I say, "It's the loveliest "joke. " Whoever told it to me, | they finish and are covered in sweat, and they're covered in come, | and they're covered in "shit. And... " "What do you call yourselves?" | "The "Aristocrats. " Ah, it's so "great. " I told you, I at least went like "this. " "Aristocrats. " Oh, no, I "like... " That's really all there is to "it. " | You have to have blood, shit, piss, and then erm... this! So this "cocksucker... " What was it? This cocksucker fucks his shit "everywhere. " The cocksucker goes into a "fucking... " and something "faecal... " Faecal or foetal? And faecal "is... " And the agent is fucking a dog, | the Pope in the "corner. " The trouble is, I've never heard this "joke. " The whole shit thing, I think it's "just... " The punch line doesn't "work. " The guy says, | "I've got this act, a family "act. " The guy says, "I've got shit "everywhere. " | I don't want a family "act. " No doubt that could "work. " | He says, "What do you want?" He goes, "Am I bothering you?" You do it "good. " Have you done it? | Give it to "me. " I'll film you "now. " It takes a lot more skill than it looks like | to tell it "well. " All "right. " Here it "is. " Three people walk into | a theatrical agent's "office. " And they say, "We have an act to show you | and we're called the "Aristocrats. " Fuck! A guy goes into a talent agent's "office. " | People make it "elaborate. " Doesn't "matter. " It's a steamy, little, horrible, horrible "office. " There's barely "room... " It's so funny "whenever... " Ever been to Joe Franklin's office? I've been in this office since 2000 BC. I was in a different office | until they condemned the "building. " Frank Sinatra sat here, Bette Midler. | Billy Crystal, Michael Jackson. Julia Roberts was my secretary. Produced the world's longest-running | TV show here. I'm Joe "Franklin. " It's that "office. " Man walks into an agent's office, and it's just | like a desk and a couple of chairs, a "telephone. " Stop dancing around, motherfucker, | and tell the fucking "thing. " Phone, you know, square room like a "box. " All right, already! You are fuckin' "horrible. " Tell the joke! - Tell the thing! | - All "right. " My wife comes out in a beautiful evening gown | and plays Tea For Two on a "xylophone... " - With her cunt? | - No, no, "no. " Then my grandparents come out | and they sing God Bless "America. " - It's real "patriotic. " | - While fucking each other? Yuck! Ever see an old woman's cunt? | It looks like Silly "Putty. " So then "they... " You killed "me. " | You're killing me "here. " You're a "loser. " You can't tell a fuckin' "joke. " My son comes out, I shoot him in the head | and I fuck the bullet "hole. " Then my daughter comes on "stage. " | She's a real sexy "nine-year-old. " I hit her on the head with an axe handle, burn her cunt with a curling iron put a fish hook through my cock, | fuck her, kill her and take a shit on her dead "body. " That's the kind of delivery you "need. " Cocksucker. I actually stretched it out once | to two and a half "hours. " But I blew the punch "line. " I got all the way to the "end. " | It involved white slavery and a zeppelin "race. " And then at the end, I go, "The "Aristocats. " Crats! Argh! It's the "Aristocrats," not to be confused | with the wonderful Disney film The "Aristocats. " Often, I'd go, | "Be-pa-bada, he's sucking and "she's... " "What do you call yourself?" | "The "Aristocats. " Oh, no - the "Aristocrats!" So people would think that was part of the joke, | that the guy himself got the name wrong, and people would be saying, | "Why did he say "cats" and then "crats?" He "didn't. " I just had a "problem. " | Which was more "absurd. " They go, "Your joke takes 11 minutes to tell, | and you don't understand the punch "line. " So it was a bit of a dangerous joke for "me. " But I tell it to you to help others, so the kids who follow me | won't live the horror and the shame that I "did. " I hate "jokes. " I can't remember "them. " The only joke I could ever tell | is about a man who goes into a pub in "Glasgow. " He sees another guy and the other guy | hits him over the head with an iron "bar. " And he says, "Hey! Ow! | Are you trying to be funny?" And the guy says, "No... " | I'm "sorry. " Can we do that again? I'm no fucking good at "jokes. " I don't do jokes and I didn't even want to do this - | but when they beg, it's "ridiculous. " With my kind of thing, it's always "attitude. " I've never been one to pick up on "jokes. " | Not that there's anything wrong in "it. " When I told it to Emo, he looked like, "God, that's | the joke I should have written but I never "will. " That is an Emo "joke. " These three guys walk "in. " | They said, "We have a great, great "act. " They unzip their flies and pee on the "floor. " Then they pull down their pants | and poo on the "floor. " Then they put their fingers down their throats | and "vomit. " Then they start "slip-sliding. " The agent said, "What do you call yourselves?" | And they said, "The "Aristocrats. " Then there are people who just really love | the writing of the joke and the mood of the "joke. " And the agent says, "I love it, | but I'm not gonna book you until I see you "live. " This weekend I'll see the Butt-Fucking | Fauntleroys and the Shit-Eating "Grannies. " Presuming I like you as much as I think I will, | let me ask you "this. " Are you married to the name the Aristocrats?" There's a more writerly version of the "joke. " A manager is trying to sell performers | to a club "owner. " The club owner goes, | "OK, yeah, what's your act do?" "A girl comes out and sucks off a donkey, and a guy comes out, pisses on the girl, | he pisses on the "donkey... " He says, "Listen, we have a classy joint "here. " | I'm not sure it's our kind of "act. " "You'll enjoy the "Aristocrats. " The manager had to come up quickly with | a name to sell the group, so there's "motivation. " And it's a feelgood "ending. " | Gets you here and gets you "here. " You know? I like to think the manager's lying, | that they "don't" do all that "stuff. " They sing and they're funny but he now | has to go back and say, "I've sold "you. " This is the sort of thing | you're gonna have to "do. " You're gonna have to shag a donkey and "shit... " "What?!" The guy with the saxophone, "Fuckin' what? | What was that donkey shit?" And, of course, | everybody's style in telling the "joke. " So the William Morris office | wants to work with this act - it's a family "act. " The Smothers Brothers is a family "act. " | What do they do? - They do some "juggling. " | - It's a "jug... " - It's a juggling act? | - Juggling "thing. " The father drops one of the clubs | and asks his son to pick it up, so his "dad... " dad just knees him right in the "balls. " - You're putting me "on. " | - No, "no. " Then the mother does a topless thing | and goes down on the "father. " - No! | - The kids come out "naked. " - Naked children? | - Then they do a sex "act... " - And then they throw "up. " | - They throw up? - Where have they worked? | - All the best "places. " - All the best places? | - Do you wanna "know... " - Do you wanna know what "they're... " | - Not "necessarily. " Well, ask me! It's kind of "important. " "OK." What is their name? The "Aristocrats. " - The what? Aristocrats? | - The "Aristocrats. " - You didn't think that's funny? | - "No. " It's a "classic. " What makes that a classic? A classic withstands the test of time | and the Aristocrats is one of those classic jokes that has gone through 50, 60, 70 "years... " So, no matter how many times I hear it, | I'll still think it's funny? Whenever you say "Aristocrats" | the audience falls "down. " - I "didn't. " | - Well, you're a straight "man. " You're not supposed "to. " The Aristocrats is so much about | the kind of signature that a comedian puts on "it. " That's what we "do. " You make it your "own. " In the Amish version - the father flicks on a light, | the mother's using a radio remote, watching "television. " | He goes, "What do you call yourselves?" "Tis well we call ourselves the "Aristocrats. " That's the last "thing... " First I come out on stage - and I am pregnant - a friend of mine comes out | and he starts fucking me up the "ass. " The baby starts sucking the penis | of the guy who's fucking me up the "ass. " I start getting contractions and giving "birth. " The baby starts coming out and come | starts coming out of the baby's "mouth. " I mean, come on, | what is more beautiful than birth? This woman comes into his office | and wants "representation. " She says, "I'm the "centrepiece. " My husband comes out, he bends down, | he goes down on "me. " We used to have Grandma blowing Grandpa while she had a kazoo out of her ass | playing Begin The "Beguine. " But she claims that these days | she doesn't have the wind for it any "more. " Personally, I think she's tired | of blowing the guy after 54 "years. " Comedians have done it in the way they tell it, | but as you're listening your own personal orientations | you bring to this joke, so it's funny for different "reasons. " Sure I coulda told it some other "way. " Some scatological bullshit that these boys "love. " No, I needed the woman's point of "view. " And you notice, the first sex act | was the husband going down on the "woman. " The man would have had a blowjob in "there. " Grandma, by the way, | is a talent, a gift "beyond. " If she was born in another era, | she could have "been... " Liza "Minnelli. " That "talented. " But because she was in | the wrong time and place, she ended up playing Begin The Beguine | out of her "asshole. " There are different rules for "women. " Men, they can "get... " | Men are expected to talk "dirty. " And women are supposed to be "ladylike. " They won't take it from Phyllis | because that's not Phyllis's "demeanour. " They'll definitely take it from me | because if I don't say "cock" they're "pissed. " Males have a cruder sense of "humour. " A female wouldn't ever really create that "joke. " I'm sick of women going, "It's a guy "thing. " | It's a "joke. " If funny is a guy thing, you know what? | I'll strap it "on. " Cos I go and I do stuff and people say, | "What, you didn't curse?" I'm trying not to do that, you "know. " | I'm trying to be genteel and "shit. " But it doesn't work for "me. " So when I would tell a joke like this, it would be all about dripping penises "and... " maybe pulling foreskins back | and making helmets out of "'em. " It would be the whole "thing. " Why don't you do your version? Because you've already got versions like "that. " - I don't think we have. | - Oh, I bet you "do. " I bet you "do. " I know you "do. " Four guys walk "in. " They say, "Let's see the "act. " The four guys take their pants down, they take their giant penises | and they take the foreskin and go like "this. " They pull up the penises like this and they go, | "Wow. " They pull it down over themselves | and start to "sing... " # Hallelujah, hallelujah # I give the world "to... " That's the kind of joke I would fuckin' "tell. " How could you clean that joke up? | I guess you could say "making"love"." But they're brothers and sisters | so it's already "incest. " You're already in a big "hole. " Well, actually, when the curtain rises, there we are on stage - | me, my two daughters, my wife, and a gorilla named Daisy | from the Belgian "Congo. " My daughter pulls my index finger, | at which point I let out a thunderous "fart. " My wife does a very sexy striptease dance | on a "tom-tom. " Following that, I have a violent love affair | with the gorilla Daisy, if you know what I "mean. " But have no fear, if there are any children, | they'll be brought up as Catholics, you "see. " He was in purple, she was in "heliotrope. " They would come "in... " | They had two black "satchels. " They said, "We work in "one. " It's an "olio. " And the band will "go... " And he opens up the black case | and there's a silver hammer in "it. " His wife pulls out the chair | and he sits down upon the "chair. " His wife takes the hammer | and with a great, swift movement - bang! - Hits her husband right in the "forehead. " He goes ass over tea kettle back down, over the couch, over the agents, | back in and pulls the drapes "down. " The agent says, "My God, | I've never seen anything like that in my life!" "Thank you very "much. " | He picks up the hammer, puts it away, then he picks up that case, | picks up the other "one. " They're about to leave and he says, "Excuse me, just for curiosity, what's in the other case?" And he says, "Tylenol. " "And what's the name of your act?" "We call "ourselves... The Sophisticates. " That's how I heard "it. " They are my generation of "entertainer. " | We were all together at the same "time. " You had to work clean | because there were signs backstage, "No dirty "material. " Nothing "blue. " You got vaudeville and the chitlin' "circuit. " A black comic can always be "dirty. " Couldn't get on TV | so he weren't worried about who we "offended. " They'd be dirty on "stage. " It didn't "matter. " So, a joke where part of the fun is that you're | dirty, and they could tell it anytime they "want. " Cocks and "cunts. " That's where it's "at. " Seinfeld never "cursed. " I told you "that. " - Be like "Seinfeld. " | - All "right. " Did you ever notice when you kick your girlfriend | in the cunt she calls the cops on you? In all of art it's the singer, not the "song. " You see that when you hear jazz musicians | who play the same song over and over "again. " You hear one note of Coltrane, | you know it's "Coltrane. " But I never understood it | as so clear in "comedy. " When someone tells the Aristocrats very clearly, | it's the singer, not the "song. " Here's the "joke. " A guy goes into a talent "agent's. " He says, "I just saw the most amazing "act. " | You should hire this "act. " It's "incredible. " And the agent says, | "Well, tell me what "happens. " He says: Well, there's a family out on the "stage. " There's a husband and a wife | and three little girls, like 12, 8 and "4." They're just sitting there and they're all "reading. " There's a little ceramic ballerina | going around playing Mozart "music. " It's very calm and the lighting is "beautiful. " And then the father gets up | and he walks off stage and he comes back with flowers and he gives one to the wife | and one to each of the "daughters. " They go, "Oh, Daddy, we love "you. " | "You're my precious "angels. " And everything is so "nice. Smiling. " Then the father gets up and he leaves again and he comes back with a big bottle of whisky | and a baseball "bat. " He starts drinking the whisky and he goes to the wife and starts | smashing her round the shoulders and "legs. " He's banging her legs | and there's blood gushing everywhere and the daughters are screaming and he chases | them and smashes them on the back of the "leg. " There's screaming and blood "everywhere. " And the guy said, "That's "horrible... " The agent said, | "That's the most horrible thing I've ever "heard. " What could this thing be called? | What is this? What is it?" And the guy said, "It's called the "Aristocrats. " And then they just blankly looked | at each other for a while and "then... " the agent said, "I'd like to see that, "actually. " It's this family - the Cavanaghs - | Anne and "William. " They're eating dinner and they just "finish. " Their maid comes in and she clears the "plates. " They have two children - Betsy and "Timmy. " Anne suggests | that they all go into the drawing room, where Anne then braids | Betsy's beautiful blonde "hair. " The husband plays chess with "Timmy. " Then the maid comes in | with strawberries and whipped "cream. " They all eat a nice "dessert. " That's the "act. " - What would you call an act like that? | - The Cocksucking "Motherfuckers. " There is another which uses the same word - | aristocrats - so maybe we can go there "instead. " There were three missionaries - a Catholic, a Buddhist and a Jew - | who were out in the middle of "Africa. " They were caught by "headhunters. " The chief came up and said, | "Good afternoon, "gentlemen. " You have your options - death "or... " | you can meet the "Aristocrats. " First is the Jewish "rabbi. " "Have you made up your mind?" | He says, "Absolutely. " Perhaps there's an "afterlife. " | I'm not really sure about "that. " We certainly value the life on "Earth. " I have decided I will go with | meeting the "Aristocrats. " Out come about 14 men, | wearing just the skimpiest little "loincloths. " They ream him in every "orifice. " They throw his body "up. " | They throw his body "down. " He is completely covered | with aborigine "spermatozoa. " They leave him, basically, | as a floppy little rag doll, over in the "bushes. " He asks the Catholic priest, "How about you?" "Still the same deal?" And he says, "Yeah, | you can either die or deal with the "Aristocrats. " He says, "Horrible as that is, | I am no stranger to certain aspects of "it. " I do see that the man over there is still "breathing. " | I could stay alive and help my "parishioners. " I will take "the... I" guess, the "Aristocrats. " It's same song, second "verse. " They have him in so many ways | that he has never even dreamt "of. " He is lying, panting barely audible breaths, | lying in the "underbrush. " The Buddhist says, "I believe | that we are only here for a short time "anyway. " I will take "death. " The chief says, "OK, "fine. " Death it "is. " But, first, the "Aristocrats. " So, that'll be my Aristocrats "joke. " | You've got 75 people telling the fucking "thing. " This joke is one of those songs, I guess, | like Mr Tambourine "Man. " You could sing it like Bob Dylan | or you could sing it like The "Byrds. " You could sing it rough or make it "sweet. " There's not that many jokes like "this. " We were influenced | by one of the greatest juggling acts of all "time. " - They'd be completely "naked. " | - At this point, he would penetrate the other "guy. " The top guy would actually defecate | on the bottom "guy. " They would actually juggle six severed, flaming, | elephant "penises. " Yeah. The were called The Incredible Towering Flaming Naked | Elephant Penis Juggling "Brothers. " They changed it to the "Aristocrats. " You can make the joke funny | and still keep it in your "personality. " I saw Christopher Walken tell that "story. " I think it was James Lipton's | Cocksucking "Extravaganza. " He laid claim to the story actually "happening. " This "happened. " My uncle was a talent "agent. " | Sort of a Broadway Danny Rose sort of "guy. " A man comes in and says to my uncle, "I think I might have the act | that you're looking "for. " It involves my whole "family. " My uncle stopped him and "said... " "That's "crazy. " What do you mean, | your whole family?" The man says, "A gift my wife has | is unloaded on the audience and that is projectile "vomiting. " It's all over the front "row. " Gallagher, that putz, would wish... this sort "of... " "... this" sort of thing was possible | from a "watermelon. " Forget "it. " This is what's happening to my "uncle. " | He starts to "chuckle. " But he also is frightened for his "life. " He senses, "Ask the name first, then get him "out. " Don't give him the bum's rush | cos this fuck will kill "you. Clearly. " To me, in this joke, | you get to show off your "writing. " Sort "of. " A family walks into the agent's office | and they want to audition their new "act. " Mom does a naked cartwheel through the air | and lands flat on her "back. " She spreads her legs wide | and turns over to "reveal... " a cherry-coloured "ass. " Son comes over and begins to jack "off. " The vigour of youth allows him to do this | over and over "again. " Sis, whose tits are practically non-existent, | suddenly gets down on all "fours. " Her hairless paper cut begins twitching | with "anticipation. " Dad springs into "action. " He spins his daughter around | and gives her a little bit of "69." Just then there's a blinding spray | that covers the entire family and Grandma rides in on a red bicycle, | pisses all over everyone, and says, "Ta-da!" The agent says, "That's "amazing. " | What do you call yourselves?" Grandma "says... " "The "Aristocrats. " We saw the act and it just dumbstruck Teller, | quite "literally. " I can go into the whole "thing. " The father who played the bagpipes out his ass, the mother who did this whole weird thing | with menstrual blood, and "er... " Yeah, "beautiful. " But the part that killed us | the most was this little cute "kid. " About six? The kid had this enormous "cock. " It was the size "of... you know... " Oh, like the size of a bottle, like "that. " And he started jerking and jerking | and jerking and "jerking. " Just as he got to the final end, | he would just jerk, jerk, and the kid "had... " The whole head of his cock blew "off. " And we said, "Fabulous. Fabulous. " Teller couldn't talk any "longer. " | He was just "shocked. Dumbstruck. " Just never spoke "again. " The kid was also "dumbstruck. " | He had the head of his cock blown "off. " You're telling a joke in your own words | and creating your own "setup. " If that can be personalised, | then that's a form of "writing. " First I come in there | and I start to get loosened up a little "bit. " Then I start to stretch my "face. " Then I like to celebrate the "theatre. Comedy. " Tragedy. And then Uncle Louie comes "in. " And then cousin "Eddie. " | He just came back from Russia with the "army. " # Deutschland Deutschland, Yugoslavia I got "it. " And then, Aunt Sadie comes in | and does an acrobatic "number. " Hey-oh! A guy goes into a talent agent and he says, | "Dude, check it "out. " I've got a great "act. " He's like, "It's not a fuckin' prop act, is it?" I would tell that joke | but I only work off "prompter. " So unless I can look in the prompter and "see... " Was it, "Fingering the daughter and eating shit | out of the grandmother's ass"? I'd hate to get something like that wrong | cos it seems to be so delicately "worded. " We all have different kinds of cartoons | playing in the comic's "mind. " Murray the agent barges into | Stan the variety booker's "office. " Stan goes, "No, no, no! No, you don't! You always bring me | the worst acts in the "universe. " "This one is completely different, Stan, | it's a family "act. " First the father comes out, | naked as the day he was "born. " And he sets up a "ladder. " Then Mom comes out, | and she looks fantastic for her "age. " She climbs halfway up the ladder, | naked as the day she was "born. " Then Junior steps out, a strapping young lad, | naked as the day he was "born. " And he climbs all the way | to the top of the "ladder. " Dad lights a cigar, gets it smoking good, sticks it in Mom's ass, she blows a smoke ring | out of her twat and the son dives through "it. " Everybody loves it in circuses | where they fit a bunch of clowns in a car, and they all come out, and in the audience | you see the kids' eyes just open up with "awe. " It's just the most amazing "thing. " It's like that, | except we all fit into this woman's "cunt. " She rides around a little ring on a bicycle, and when she stops, we all pop out of her cunt and spit cunt juice at the audience, | which gets them "involved. " They get a little wet - | it's like kind of a Gallagher "thing. " Sometimes there's mucous | and little cunt "loogies. " And we can make little animals | and things like that out of "the... " the cunt "snot. " And we give those to the "kids. " Terrific. Others will have more irony | or slightly more "sarcasm. " A wry sense of looking at the "world. " The guy goes in to get an "agent. " | The agent says, "What do you guys do?" "My wife and "I... " Have you heard this one? It wouldn't be The Onion | if it didn't have Jesus in it. We have to have the grandfather | fucking Jesus in the "ass. " You know what is offensive now? Gay "bashing. " But if it's gay bashing, | we can't have any gay sex in the "act. " Throwing in gay sex has never deterred anyone | from bashing "gays. " I think they could do "both. " I think they could sodomise Jesus up the ass | and "say... " "This is because you're a "faggot. " "You probably like this, faggot!" There are guys who are made to tell this "joke. " Some people think I have a reputation of being | a dirty "comedian. " I don't want to expose "that. " I'm really a family kind of oriented "guy. " Which brings me to this "joke. " Oh, "Saget. " Now there is a man who walks | around telling the Aristocrat joke in "life. " That's my friend Paul, | and I'm looking at his "dinger. " He's got a very huge "wiener. " It's about that "big. " I believe that's Shandling's "joke. " I'm pretty "sure. " When you lift something, it better be a "cock. " Once for Hanukkah, he gave "me... " | some slim "Tampax. " He said, "Leave 'em out, | so guys will think you're really "tight. " Here we "go. " This "family... " mother, father and four "kids. " Doesn't matter if they're boys or girls, | they're going to be used anyway as just a "hole. " It's what this joke's about anyway, | using your "kid... " They have a paper route, | they go to "school... and" then you fuck "'em. " His aim is to get as many disgusting thoughts | into sentences as "possible. " The agent goes, "What do you people do?" The father's, like, "Watch "us. " He takes his wife's bra, | and he rips off her underwear, he takes some of her pubes with it - it's "horrible. " | Blood starts dripping down her "legs. " He pulls out the tampon, throws it at the window | and it "sticks. " They go down on each other | in different "configurations... " it's 69, it's 29- cos the kids are young - it's "9... " The father bends his kid over on the guy's desk | and he's taking him from behind, which isn't "right. " If any of you people are doing this | that are watching this, if you're having sex with your family, | I don't condone it, it's "wrong. " I could do a lot of PSAs to support | "Do not fuck your"family"." So they're all fucking each other, right? All of a sudden, the kid can't take it, | diarrhoea starts squirting from his "ass. " It's like a haemorrhaging shit "ass. " The kid starts spinning in a circle cos he can't | control it, it's like Curly and the "Stooges. " The projectile shit is just flying out, | it's going all over the room, like spin "art. " You don't know whether | to shit or puke in this "room. " What the fuck am I doing? "Then... " Wait, there's "more. " You get to be a comic for "comics. " This "is... " This is "fun. " They start singing Make 'Em "Laugh. " And Be A "Clown. " The father's haemorrhoid pops, so he grabs it | and puts it on the end of his nose, like Emmett Kelly - except he's covered in "shit. " Then they all start making "out. " You know, "they're... " All kidding "aside. " By the way, this would be a good time right now | to take your pants off and get some "lotion. " That's what happens next with this "family. " | They just start jacking "and... " Can I get a copy of this? I'd like to send it | to the kids on the show Full "House. " It was just an opportunity to be vile | for no reason at "all. " So I used to love "it. " Father can't help himself, smacks his wife | in the mouth, knocks all of her teeth "out. " Sticks his fist, accidentally, mind you, | down her toothless "throat. " Unbelievably, he actually fists her "neck. " I love the idea of floating right past that, as if this is the most "normal... " | and the thing you're most used to "doing. " I come inside my daughter's "asshole. " And then my wife "feltches... " | I'm not sure if you're familiar with "feltching. " Feltching is where you fuck someone in the ass | and then "you... " "... suck" the come "out. " Tasty. Jis straight is good, but if it has that little taste of "shit... " We also have the dirty "Sanchez. " That's when you fuck someone in the ass, | pull it out and give the girl a moustache, with the shit on your "dick. " Mexican "moustache. " Then there's the strawberry "shortcake. " He jerks off on her face | and punches her in the "nose. " She's bleeding and there's "white... " A rusty trombone, obviously, you "know. " Come "on. " The rusty trombone | people have heard "of. " You spread a man's asshole, and then there's the rusty "hole... " And I lick his ass | while I reach around and jerk him "off. " And that's how "you... " Space docking, where you take a shit | in a girl's "pussy. " I don't think anyone "has. " I would make sure | that I was treating those things "as... " "And then he took the carburettor, and | he began to take the carburettor "apart... " "I'm fucking my daughter, understand, | while she's knobbing my "son. " And he's not trying to be "foul. " He "believes... " "It's really quite novel | what we do and you'd be crazy not to hire "us. " Make it as matter of fact as "possible. " That's the joy for me of saying something | that violates someone's "boundaries. " The mother clips the nails off her hand, | puts it up her daughter and starts working her like a "puppet. " The father's got smelling salts | that he's been giving to his kids, who keep passing "out. " Their heads are bleeding and they've been | anally raped in front of an "agent... " The mother had a big boil on her back - | that "popped. " Always make sure you haven't left anything out, because you know | there's always the chance to be "topped. " He takes out his penis | and goes over to the agent's "desk. " He starts slamming his dick in the "drawer. " Just flattens it right out like a "bookmark. " Then starts smacking his kids with it, | like a wet towel at the "gym. " He knocks one of his kids in the eye | and it pops "out. " He looks at that as an opportunity, mind "you. " Just trying to go further | than anyone had ever gone "before. " He just puts his flat wiener | right in that eye "socket. " Gets caught - | gets caught on the back of his "retina. " He starts trying to get him off of him, and he's "cock-eyed... no. " So all this was going "on... " I gotta go "on. " I'm sorry, I got people to "entertain. " Excuse "me. " What is so unique about this joke, is that it's so absurdly front loaded | that it's almost the opposite of a "joke. " Steam is built up in the "setup. " There's something very satisfying | in that "structure. " Momentum, momentum, momentum "and... " | the punch line means "nothing. " There's something very satisfying in "that. " But it is the kind of joke that, you know, if you spent this much time on a setup | and the punch line was "Aristocrats"... " most people are gonna "go... " He says, "The "Aristocrats. " Oh, "lord. " Here, have some "money. " The punch line is almost "intentionally... " not lame, but weaker than | you might have expected it to "be. " But the journey is so much fun | that you just don't "care. " I'm not even sure what this "means. " The punch line can be the icing on the cake, | but the cake can be really "delicious. " They slice a line | that runs up the middle of a testicle, it's like a butterfly shrimp at "Benihana. " Now it looks like some strange sort of "mouth. " They have ventriloquist nut "sacks. " Then they brought some children out on "stage. " That was "sweet. " One guy lays "down... " | he's got a rod the size of my "arm... " and balanced the kid, | up his ass on the guy's "rod. " Then they jerk the kid off, get the kid hard, | they put another naked kid, his ass on "that... " - They're building like a "tower. " | - Something you gotta see to "believe. " By spinning each kid in a different direction, | you get this kind of "thing... " It was lovely and had great "lighting. " There are people who tell it | who tunnel and make it great, and make the act more interesting and "fabulous. " And then the animal part came "on. " | I'm trying to remember everything I "saw. " - Donkey, Ilama, "camel... " | - Something that looked like a bison, I "guess... " An animal that they brought out | that you were "rubbing. " - That wasn't an "animal. " | - What was it? It wasn't an "animal. " We're so conditioned now to sitcom humour, where it's setup, punch "line. " They think they're missing it, | they don't know the journey is the "fun. " What intrigues me is how in America | you can laugh at something like "Aristocrats. " You don't have "aristocrats. " | Why does that work in America? That much foul filth needs a word | like "aristocrats"." It almost sounds quaint that you can put | a cute cap on something that rancid that's just as ugly as you can be, | and is like "the"Aristocrats"." A form of society that doesn't even "exist. " I'm not gonna "lie. " The first time I heard it, | I said, "What's an aristocrat?" I had no "idea. " Just this odd "word. " But it's the only word that would satisfy | that hunk of "filth. " I have heard the twist of calling them | "the "Sophisticates. " Also "works. " Actually, maybe even a little "better. " Maybe a little "better. " | That's nice, the "Sophisticates. " I personally think it's a much better "joke. " It's the goofiness of a person | turning the joke upon "themselves. " Whereas aristocrats are seldom "self-appointed. " - Therefore the joke is "satire. " | - That's a political "statement. " You know what would be great to add to this? Just add "Republican. " And the "Democrats. " | It's not about them and "Republicans. " Because of the language and the images, that gives it a political "slant. " I don't think the original intent was | to do anything but tell a wild "joke. " There's no act in England | that an aristocrat wouldn't "do... " "... that" doesn't involve shagging animals | or fist-fucking cows, or "anything. " This was the evening of | Monty Python And The Holy "Grail. " As you can see, there's our friend Eric Idle, | George Harrison and Terry "Gilliam. " We were just telling jokes, and George said, "Instead of aristocrat | or sophisticates, we use "royalty. " Which is an even funnier "joke. " An English one is "debonairs", | but that doesn't grab "me. " When I heard it, it was the "Debonairs. " Which I think is even "funnier. " It has a certain je ne sais "quoi. " The Debonairs? I like "that. " The Aristocrats is pretty funny, | the more you think about "it. " Whatever the other guys are telling you, | I have the "original. " People signed the Declaration of Independence, | there was a big party - that's the way it was "told. " I'm from "Philadelphia. " Go to Independence Hall, | see the Liberty Bell, the "Declaration. " There is a framed sketch | of the original telling of the "Aristocrats. " And you see Ben Franklin laughing, and you see Betsy Roth taking a "dump. " Because the original joke, when they slid | through the shit and vomit, they hit the "bell. " And that's what cracked the "bell. " Look at the signers, | there's one very heavy "signer. " He's the one that fucked up the "bell. " I told the "original. " People are gonna tell the | Aristocrats a different "way. " That's "fucked. " Er... this "joke... " my grandfather told my father, | he heard it from his "grandfather... " It goes all the way back, this "joke. " Sometimes it was known as | the tale of Pushtuchkin, the gay "rabbi. " Was ist das? Die Aristocrats! There's a similar tale, it gets mixed "up. " My grandfather took this joke so far, his entire life - he lived 67 years - always in a constant state of this "joke. " Constant - eat, everything he did, "marry... " children, "everything. " It was setup, setup, setup, "setup. " And then, just the moment he died, punch "line. " "What do they call this act?" "The "Aristocrats. " | He's "dead. " And you know, we "laughed. " Grandpa's dead | and we went, "Oh, the Aristocrats!" I get it all of a sudden, his entire "life. " I get "this. " We thought, and we were right, | that he was "crazy. " What he did, no-one will top "him. " No-one will top this "guy. " Uncle "Yanush. " My "grandfather's... " See, that's bad improv right "there. " My grandfather, Uncle "Yanush. " I remember being at school | and I remember going home, and my grandmother sitting me down | and telling me the "joke. " She's from Poland, so she only spoke "Yiddish. " The only English word she knew was "cunt"." I remember "cunt"." And I remember her saying, "Eat, "eat. " And "cunt"." You know, now that I think back on it, | it's probably "wrong. " There was this story my mother used to tell me. There was a goat in Tammy that my father got very involved with while he was working - | they went on the road with this "act. " My father was blowing this goat over at MGM | and my mother walked in on "them. " And my mother just thought that was "adorable. " My mother is a golden shower "queen. " The original movie of Singin' In The Rain | was a huge golden shower "extravaganza. " But it didn't get past the censors, | which is a shame, because there were some wonderful numbers | with Mickey "Rooney... " who was huge with "fisting. " In the early days in Hollywood, | it was completely "accepted. " I always love show business "jokes. " These ones that seem a little more "inside. " And in a very sort of twisted, warped way, this disgusting, foul joke is a joke about | the sweet old days of show "business. " I'm going to sit on top of the | piano and fit the whole thing in my "vagina. " The percussionist - | I love that word, "percussionist" - is gonna take his triangle, | put it in front of my triangle, and kling-a-ling-a-ling with the trolley, | just the way mama sang "it. " And then I'm gonna take the banger | to the triangle, and kling-a-ling it, until my clitoris swells up | into a large Macy's Day Parade "balloon. " I'm gonna take it and stretch it out, and I'm gonna wrap it round the microphone | cord and fling it over my shoulder the way Mama used to "do. " As I'm singing, # What'll I have that I "don't... " | ... have Where did that note go? And then the rest of the band's | gonna jump up, and we're gonna "sing. " # Shine your shoes, shine your shoes And I'm gonna shine my shoes | with my vagina juices, put 'em back on, tap, tap, tap, do a split, | and that's the "act. " I'm gonna call "it... " ...the Aristocrats. Isn't that terrific? This is a joke exclusive to show "business. " You'd never hear a physicist going, | "It's a muon, you "cunt. " I have a joke very similar to | "That's why the group is called Aristocrats", in the show business theme with a nice "turn. " There's an audition for piano player | at a very exclusive "bar. " A guy shows up, and the owner says, | "This is a very exclusive "place. " I'd like you to play all different styles of music, | but they have to be "classy. " The guy says, "I can do "anything. " He plays the most beautiful song | the owner's ever "heard. " He says, "I've never heard that "before. " | "I wrote it "myself. " "What's it called?" "It's called 'My dog was fucking me in the ass | while my cat was licking my "balls'." "That's"awful. "Do you have any other songs?" "I have a wonderful thing I'll play for "you. " He plays this kind of jazzy tune and they say, | "Great! What was that?" He says, "I ate your sister's bloody "tampon. " "Hey, this a classy "place. " No more of "that. " He goes, "Oh, "fine. Fine. " "I really like your songs, I wanna hire "you. " Play for my customers, just don't tell them | any names of your "songs. " That night he starts playing the piano and the | crowd goes crazy, the songs were "beautiful. " After an hour he says, | "Give me a break, I've gotta go to the "can. " He goes to the "bathroom. " On his way out, | he forgets to zip up his "pants. " Somebody says, "You know, your zipper's | undone and your dick's hanging "out. " He says, "Know it? I wrote it!" That's what a group of entertainers | have in "common. " They understand they've seen shitty "acts. " The worst bar band in Shitsville, Ohio, always have a glorious name, like, The Incredible Diamond-Studded | Reefer "Tones. " It's done in every aspect of "life. " You'll see a little rundown greasy spoon diner, calling itself The Gourmet "Corner. " Besides from the humour of the joke | there's a sadness, that these people had no self-realisation that what their act was | would get them absolutely no "place. " Yet they call themselves the Aristocrats, because they're clinging to | the very last vestige of "respectability. " Absolutely no class, absolutely "horrible. " But they are in show business | and they are "aristocrats. " I don't put the Aristocrats on my rsum | any more, you "know. " It doesn't take away from, like, my "pride. " I actually was an "Aristocrat. " It's kinda weird to be a part of that "legend. " It was my mom, my dad, me, my "brother... " | and my "nana. " My father would come out on stage, the music would play | and he would start "masturbating. " My brother comes out, they do, like a mutual masturbation, | kind of like a Dueling "Banjos. " They're holding hands and they "spin. " I stay in a stationary "position. " When the assholes come by, | I lick the "assholes. " And in one motion, my "mother... " | both pinkies up their assholes, as they "come. " It's "pretty... " It's pretty "spectacular. " And it's all about "timing. " Like, on one level it's a joke about | scatological humour and show "business. " But on another level, it's about a family, it's about the hopes and dreams of that "family... " My brother has Down's "syndrome. " Did I say that? People think it's a setback, but "really... " it's a selling "point. " It's not a "handicap. " I don't wanna say it's a "gift. " I mean, we think of it as a gift | just in terms of ticket sales, but I "mean... " we think of it "as... " showing the other beauties that God creates, like the ones with the bigger foreheads, and the lower "eyelids. " Did they ever ask you | to be on The Tonight Show? Not The Tonight "Show. " But Joe Franklin loved the "Aristocrats. " He was like our rehearsal director | when Dad and my brother weren't there, and my "mother... " "... and" my nana... weren't "there. " I was on his "show. " He said it wasn't a taped "show. " But... we, like, did a "show. " Like, in his apartment? Yeah, it was his "office. " But he had "a... " a bed in "it... " like a couch that he called Uncle Joe's "bed. " For little "people. " | Cos a couch is like a bed for little "people. " You know? Joe Franklin raped "me. " Comedians often feel like, | "I am this weird, twisted, strange person, somewhere near the outer reaches | of the bell curve, trying somehow to package this in a way that confers upon me | some kind of dignity and "respect. " Maybe that's the reason | that this joke is so "appealing. " I've played by their rules for a really long "time. " | I don't want to do it any "more. " Will they prevent me | from doing a show with the Olsen twins? I think you're all skirting around "this. " You should all be "aristocrats. " | The audience, all of us should be "aristocrats. " People are contracted | into this puritanical idea that we have to get married when we're young, | we can't fuck boys and fuck "girls. " We can do it "all. " Starfish are "bi. " Have you seen a starfish eat out | another starfish? It takes for "ever. " They do "it. " Close the comedy clubs and open up brothels, | bathhouses, glory "holes. " This is what this country "needs. " | It needs a really tight "orgasm. " I'm an "actor. " I was in a lot of TV "shows. " I went to this orgy "once. " I fucked all these people | and somebody whispered in my ear, "You were great on "Friends. " But you're not going to have Mary Hart | talk about that with "me. " I want to take an approach to the joke | in my "way. " I'm the agent and I'm pitching "it. " So this very athletic blond man | walks onto the stage in a leather "Speedo. " He has this slightly sadistic nature about "him. " He has this fine, fine baby hair | all over these very steely pectoral "muscles. " He has like a treasure trail that goes "down... " to heavy, cut "man-meat. " An 11 x7 "cock. " He's horse-hung "guy. " This chick walks up with a rocket body | and artificial "rack. " She looks like Carmen Electra, only "better. " | She starts gently rubbing her "pussy. " This submissive sissy boy comes out | and points at the dick and says, "I want that cock to bust my virgin "ass. " The chick straps on this dildo, has this challenging, intense expression | on her face, and says, "Let "me. " She rubs him in a very spiritually-centred "way. " Little sissy boy is obviously a demanding | pussy "bottom. " He tilts his ass "up. " She starts eating his ass, giving him this | rim job royale, as they'd say in Pulp "Fiction. " The horse-hung dick is now going into | pussy boy's "mouth. " He's getting "face-fucked. " The girl takes his cock in her pussy, | but what "she... " and this is gonna be in the programme, that the girl has trained in that fine geisha way | where the pussy would contract, to make your vagina pull up on that "cock. " When you are shooting, it is like yanking "it. " I don't know if anyone's ever had that happen, | but it's "wild. " She is taking a huge fucking horse "flow. " It's called the "Massage-ocrats. " This joke holds a mirror up to "itself. " The people who say the joke must contain shit - | don't invite them into your "home. " The people who say it must involve bestiality - | don't let them near your "dog. " This tells you a lot about a person, this "joke. " It's where your darkest place can go, you "know. " In a way, this joke really isn't all that "relevant. " Standards of "offensive" change over "time. " It's quite a tame joke "now. " There's something quite charming about it, | which is "weird. " "I have got the perfect family "act. " | "Go "ahead. " Tell "me. " "The wife and I go out, we sing and dance, | we fuck each other, we fuck the kids, | the kids fuck each "other. " The dog shits and pisses on all of "us. " | He looks up, jumps through a "hoop. " "What do you call the act?" | "The "Aristocrats. " The agent goes, "I already have an act like "that. " That's what happened to show "business. " "Fuck the kids, fuck the dogs," doesn't "matter. " | Well, I've already seen "that. " That's not really a joke any "more. " That's actually a really great idea | to pitch to a "network. " I could walk into NBC tomorrow and say | I have a dysfunctional family "idea. " So dysfunctional it defies "description. " We have people fucking and sucking, | diddling like an 11-year-old "cheerleader. " We can bring in people from the "past. " | They get those idiotic ads - Humphrey "Bogart. " Get your major world leaders from the past, | like Hitler, Mussolini, Genghis "Khan. " I just thought of that! It's not a joke! This will go on "TV." We blow Hitler, then in the next episode | we bite his dick "off. " Ha ha! See what happens to Hitler's "dick. " | Phenomenal! It's a family act but it's a twist, | cos they're "retarded. " What they do is, they get in a pile | of dead nuns and they fuck each other, then they have a big closing | and fist-fuck an autistic "pre-teen. " The agent says, "Well, what do you call 'em?" And he says, "The "Osbournes. " A lot of what is already on TV now, they would | have the dog-fucking and the shit-eating "on... " - "Friends. " | - Not on Friends but on South "Park. " - You guys want to hear a funny joke? | - "No. " This family walks into a talent "agency. " Mother, father, son, daughter and a little "baby. " The father says, | "Sir, our family has an amazing "act. " The agent says, "Family acts are too "cutesy. " The mother goes, "Sir, just give us two "minutes. " | We know you'll like our "act. " The agent says, | "All right, you've got two "minutes. " Thrilling circus music starts | as the father spins his daughter round, - lifts her skirt and starts licking her "asshole. " | - What?! Then the son lays down, opens his mouth, and | the mother squats down and shits all over "him. " - Dude! | - Hold on, hold "on. " The father grabs the baby, | takes off his diaper and sucks his cock, while the son, with shit in his mouth, | goes over and licks the baby's "balls. " Then they take the baby | and stuff it head-first into the mother's "vagina. " - Just "stop. " | - Hold "on. " They get the baby halfway in | so just its legs are sticking "out. " The son takes the shit out of his mouth | and rubs it all over everyone, while the father sticks his cock | in the baby's asshole and fucks it, until he comes all over the baby, | the wife, son and "daughter. " - I don't want "to... " | - Will you hold on, please? Then the father says, "And now for our | impersonation of the victims of 9/11 "." The family runs around | covered with shit, piss and come, going, "Ah! The building's coming down! Help!" The family runs back to the centre of the room | and goes, "Ta-da!" The talent agent just sits "there. " | Finally, he says, "That's a hell of an"act. "What do you call it?" The father says, "The "Aristocrats. " I don't get "it. " Neither do "I." It's not transgressive any "more. " We're re-inventing the joke | by putting in stuff that's offensive "now. " The world has "changed. " Shockability had gone to a whole other "level. " People say, "Nigger, spic, dick, "cunt. " You can say all that, people "go... " When you're among comedians, | you have to push the "envelope. " A comedian telling it to comedians? He'd probably do a more disgusting version | of it for his peers than he would for his friends at the bar | from the old "neighbourhood. " It's like you're performing in front of your family, | yet there's no holds "barred. " There's a level of appreciation | that will go along with "it. " I dare you to tell that joke on stage | in front of "anyone. " If you can make an audience laugh at that, | you are "God. " I'm a writer at the New York "Observer. " | For five years, I've covered the Friar's "roast. " This year I wrote about Gilbert Gottfried's | take on the "Aristocrats. " Gilbert Gottfried did it at the Hugh Hefner "roast. " It was the funniest fucking joke "ever. " This roast was happening | not even three weeks after September 11th, so there was a big discussion | about what was right in terms of "taste. " There hadn't been any comedy in New "York. " | It was very "fresh. " We were faced with having to put up a show, | put on tuxedos, get Hugh Hefner and his pussy posse | on a "plane. " It wasn't easy but we got him to do "it. " To his credit, we raised half a million dollars | for charity, for 9/11 "charities. " People needed a laugh, to "release. " Everybody was pulling "back. " | Everybody was really being "careful. " Rob Schneider went on "first. " He was doing great, | then a couple of jokes didn't "work. " I went up to the mike and I said, "Rob, hasn't | there been enough bombing in this city?" Here comes Gilbert and he just went for "broke. " It was "unbelievable. " Gilbert Gottfried took the mike, | took the room "over. " He said he was trying to get a direct flight | to Los "Angeles. " He was nervous cos his plane had a connection | at the Empire State "Building. " That was when the crowd "turned. " They started booing him. | A guy was shouting, "Too soon, too soon. " The crowd was murmuring and he said: "OK." A "man... " A talent agent is sitting in his "office. " A family walks in: Man woman, | their two kids, and their little "dog. " The agent goes, | "What kind of an act do you do?" It was like he made a conscious decision, | "OK, I can't push the envelope of taste in terms of what happened in September, | so I'll push it in a completely different "direction. " It was arguably the dirtiest roast | the Friar's had ever "done. " The father starts fucking his wife, | the wife starts jerking off the son, the son starts going down on the sister, the sister starts fingering the dog's "asshole. " He just grabbed them by the "throat. " | He just "attacked. " Then the son starts blowing his "father. " You want me to start at the beginning? If you missed any portion, I'll repeat "it. " There was this weird buzz that came. The guys up on the dais were looking at each | other with this look of familiarity in their "eyes. " They were all saying, | "Where is he going to take this?" Then the daughter starts licking out | the father's "asshole. " Then the father shits on the floor, | the mother shits on the "floor. " The dog pisses and shits on the "floor. " They all jump down into the shit and piss | and come and they start fucking and sucking each other, and then they take a "bow. " And the talent agent "says... " I'll wait till you're "ready. " I'm sitting at a table | and the comics were on the "floor. " They might have to clean this up for "TV." I was laughing cos he was going so big with it, which I can't imagine Gilbert Gottfried "doing. " It was probably one of the best single tellings | of a joke I've ever "heard. " Now, where was I? Oh, "yes. " The son is licking out his father's "asshole. " I almost died because I couldn't | catch my breath with "laughing. " They fuck and suck each other | and they take a "bow. " And the talent "agent... " | Did you miss any portion of this? The talent agent says, | "Well, that's an interesting "act. " Which is kind of an "understatement. " The laugh was so deep and cathartic | that people were coughing up pieces of "lung. " It was "amazing. " A lot of people watching him, | or up on the dais, are all in comedy and it was as if he had united everybody | in that one moment because he told something that they all knew | and they all had some sort of handle on "it. " He focused it and clearly impressed | a lot of people in the room. Now... He pulled this thing out and did it so well, with such fearlessness. I hate to end this on a really sentimental "note. " There was a sound in the audience | that you really knew something was "happening. " It was outside my grasp, and for anyone else | who wasn't a total comedy "veteran. " Not a great "joke. " On the other hand, hear Gilbert Gottfried | tell a joke like that, it's a "Picasso. " The joke I didn't care about any "more. " I wanted to see how far he would take it, and when he would not stop saying | "fucking and"sucking"... " Watching him go through his apoplectic, rhythmic, incantation of the whole thing | sort of takes "over. " The fact that he is saying these particular words | almost doesn't "matter. " He says, "What do you call yourself?" And they go, "The Aristocrats!" It's just a "joke. " Help! Is it as shocking as the first time you heard it? Don't touch "me. " - Is that the joke as you remember it? | - I didn't hear it that "way. " This is so much "worse. " I'm already feeling like I didn't do it "justice. " I had "fucking the daughter" in there | but I didn't colour it in with colourful "adjectives. " "An arm like "Popeye. " I didn't realise the bill that I was "on. " What's the most vile, offensive thing | you could add to top all that? If a guy took some of the shit and smeared it | on his face and did a black-face "routine. " - Doing a minstrel "act. " | - That's "good. " Add "race-baiting. " Sex any more? Who gives a shit? | The racial issue has replaced the sexual "issue. " - I'm the agent and you're the "client. " | - "OK." Are you a Jew agent, | you filthy, hook-nosed, thieving fuck? Yeah. He goes, "A Black guy comes on and starts | sucking my cock like it's a chicken neck "bone. " This Indian comes on - you know, | Slurpee Indian, not casino "Indian... " ...sprinkles curry on "everybody... " "... and" starts stinking up the "place. " A spic comes on, steals everybody's wallet | and takes a shit on the "stage. " The Black guy grabs a mop, sticks it up the gay | guy's ass and mops up the fucking "floor. " The agent says, | "Holy shit, what do you guys call yourselves?" The fag goes, "The "Aristocrats. " One of the clichs people often go to "is... " Now, some people do this for shock "value. " Shock is just another uptown word for "surprise. " Granted it has a different quality to it, | but a joke is about surprising "someone. " Three women of colour go to this "agent. " He goes, "What do you do?" "My sister plays the "cello. " She plays | Chopin's Third Movement in B "Minor. " I lay on a chaise longue nude, | reading sonnets from "Shakespeare. " My third sister paints a painting | very similar to Delacroix's The "Girl. " He says, "Wow, what do you call this act?" She goes, "Oh, we're Nigger "Cunts. " You can't say "that. " The two worst words in the "world. " I'm a great believer in "context. " | You can joke about "anything. " Funny is "funny. " If told with a funny bone, | anything's "acceptable. " Let's have some "fun. " After the tragic events of January 3rd, come "on. " On January 3rd, I left my Visa | at the Four Seasons, it was "like... " I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing | some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I "did. " I like to take chances, because I just think that you "should. " That's what comedy is all "about. " I pull up Mommy's dress, | and I put my wiener in her "butt. " And I push it into her unwilling "anus. " And I move my wiener back and forth | until stuff shoots "out. " So it's finally just a whole prolapsed "rectum. " It looks like an ulcerated sea "snake. " Remember when I took you to SeaWorld? "Yeah. " And all the stuff shoots onto her "face. " I stick my cock in her ass, and it's like a shillelagh, | all knotted with boils and fibrous "tumours. " I'll show you a little bit "later. " The brother comes "out. " | He eats the stuff off her "face. " With his bleeding anus splattering on the "crowd. " We give the front row garbage "bags. " | Have you ever seen Gallagher? Yeah, I didn't like it that much "myself. " They ate the poop off the "floor. " And he says, "Ta-da!" And the man says, "The "Aristocrats. " And both of the men are probably "Jews. " There's still a joke out there | that maybe they shouldn't "tell. " Maybe they're taking a chance "telling. " Maybe they get a little bit nervous | as they start the "joke. " It means something, | even in today's day and "age. " They just get a little murmur inside, and I think that will be | what keeps a joke like this "special. " I never realised any of that stuff | was considered "dirty. " Before you guys got here, | I was eating a plate of my own "shit. " Hey, "Mel. " Do you know this joke "about... " The punch line is "The "Aristocrats. " I totally do not get "it. " - You don't get the joke? | - Someone told it to me but I don't get "it. " The whole family's having sex with each "other. " - Is that aristocratic? | - It's more than "that. " Um... Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it "down. " | Do you agree with that? No, I don't want to tell the joke. You've had way too many great people tell "it. " The Aristocrats! That's "great. " The best-looking ass in show "business. " Don't ever ask me to do another favour for "you. " I guarantee this will not wind up | on my demo "tape. " I'm not gonna work for Disney ever "again. " Thanks a lot, Paul "Provenza. " I once asked Dom Irrera, why does anal sex | play such a huge role in humour? He said, "I can't tell you but I can show "you. " Sarah Silverman is a young lady to "watch. " I'll keep an eye on "her. " - You've never met her? | - "No. " Does everyone do this or not? All "right. " Fuck, shit, "cunt. " A man goes into a pub and another guy | hits him on the head with an iron "bar. " He says, "Is that serious or a joke?" He says, "It's "serious. " | "Thank "God. " I can't stand jokes like "that. " Is any of this funny? Don't pan to "them. " Stay on "me. " Don't look at "them. " | There's gonna be "problems. OK." Brunch is gonna be up in Redford's "thing. 2020." I'll try to be alive for "it. " It's not often you talk about cunts for 10 minutes | and somebody behind a camera goes, "Perfect. " That's exactly what we "need. " A guy sees two priests having supper "together. " He says, "I didn't know whether to send them | a bottle of wine or a cub "scout. " The dog's name is Peanuts and she is "blind. " She wasn't blind when we got her, but we blinded her | just so she'd be a little bit more "fun. " - "Er... " | That's "good. " - "Er... " | - That's "good. " Is this thing on? Argh! To the other comedians: | I don't know what you're getting, but they refused to pay me | and I'm really "steamed. " Steamed! And the agent "says... " What the fuck am I doing? - Do other people get laughs out of this? | - I think "so. " And he says, "The Aristocrats!" Cos it's absolutely the wrong thing | to call an act like "that. " Is it on? You're not taping yet really, are you? Goodbye! - "The mike!" | - I forgot we had the mike "on. " Try "this. " Ball "sacks. " I said ball sacks in front of a six-year-old "girl. " | They'll take "my" six-year-old away from "me. " Bye, "Robert. " Daddy loves "you. " I often sit here in my garden, | gazing into my Victorian reflecting ball, "and... " Darling, would you get me a cup of tea? "Get it yourself. " I just want to thank "you. " It's so nice | to be part of this extraordinary "experience. " A rabbi walks into a bar with a "frog. " Bartender says, "Where did you get that?" The frog says, | "Brooklyn. " There's hundred of "'em. " Good "luck. " I feel like we're all "connecting. " And now the world's oldest living vaudevillian | with the original Aristocratsjoke. This way. This way. There are these two mountain goats and "they... " Sir? Sir? - Sir? | "- Huh? Thank "you. " The "Aristocrats. " |
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