1
Have you guys seen
the new Kate Winslet movie?
It's great.
You should check it out.
Apparently I'm told
I look just like her.
And hopefully my acting career
will take off just like hers.
That is not gonna help.
She wants your autograph signed
with her pencil skirt.
It's okay, she'll get the hint.
I'll get you guys some sugar.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
What?
The little guy?
What, the waitress?
She's only doing that
because she thinks
I'm gonna call my agent
and tell him I found
the next Jennifer Lawrence
on my flight to Cartegentina.
Oh, oh, oops, I'm so sorry, sir.
Is everything okay?
Um, no, can we get
a ginger ale, please?
No, it's fine.
I don't need one.
Oh, is the little one
creating a fuss?
How far along are you, sugar?
Way too far to put a stop to it.
I think this trend
of having a Babymoon
is just absolutely fabulous.
Well, it's the last vacation
you're going to have
for the next 20 years
of child-rearing
responsibility.
My acting coach
in fort worth, Texas,
who reads a lot
of Stella Adler...
Thank you for your advice,
but we can do without
the down-home wisdom.
I simply asked for a drink,
so if you could go get that,
- bring it unopened, please, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
And if you could please stop
touching me, that would be great.
- Thank you.
- Right away, sir.
Unopened.
You are such a dick.
Yeah, but I'm your dick, honey.
Hey, you like?
Like our country?
You like the country?
We go one way and now
we go a better way.
- Watch out there.
- The little puppies.
I know.
They're totally gonna
cross the street.
Why's it at...
Mmm, I don't think
he has any plans
is the problem here.
That was almost as long
as that flight.
- Sir.
- Si.
Here.
Buy a map, please.
- Thank you very much, seora.
- Thank you.
- Uh, Mr. and Mrs.
- Yes.
- Homer Simpson.
- In your mind, maybe,
but in my computer, no would.
Which, it does not exist.
- Just give the passports.
- It's okay. It's okay, I got it.
It's okay, it's our
celebrity cover name.
I... I just wanna
get back to the room.
Okay.
Thank you very much
Mr. William Trah-say...
- Mickey Vann? Mickey Vann?
- Yep.
- Mickey Vann?
- I get it.
- Don't get VH1.
- Um, just ensure that we're on
the first or second floor.
I just get really dizzy.
I have you
in the premier bungalow.
Is that first, third,
you know, second, maybe?
Technically speaking,
it's on the third floor,
but you feel like you're on...
The floor that you are on.
- It'll be okay, baby.
- Do you have a um...
- A Bao?
- Yes.
There is some, please.
To your left, then make a right.
And then make a right.
If you get lost,
just say Bao, por favor.
- Just say Bao.
- Bao, por... fine.
Yes, you look very nice,
so they will sense
that you mean "por favor,"
even if you don't say it.
Left, right, left.
De nada.
Hasta Lu ego.
So, I couldn't notice
that she has a...
- Baby?
- Is yours?
- Si.
- Okay, muy bien. Felicidades!
At least I'm not done yet.
Yes. No.
Best zip line for family.
- Honey.
- You should love it.
I cannot do a zip line.
- Why?
- It's not safe.
Cartegentina's
best rock climbing.
Safe.
You know what, it's okay, baby.
You know what we'll do?
We'll get dressed, we'll go in.
We'll go to the booze cruise,
we'll get our dance on.
Hmm?
Shaka, Shaka, Shaka.
Sounds like fun for you.
- Oh, right, you get motion sickness.
- Yeah.
It's okay, we'll just...
We'll get changed,
we'll go lie by the pool.
Yeah, thanks.
Ooh'. Not bad for a third
world country, huh?
This room is way
over our budget.
Oh, honey, you've gotta
see these aboriginals
with their fancy masks.
Is it Mardi Gras over here?
Uh, no, those are gas masks.
Yeah, people are preparing for
the political demonstrations
against our not-very-effective
government.
That was not
on the trip Advisor review.
Oh-oh, yeah,
fight the man, huh?
Poof. Yeah, you gotta
explode that one.
Oh, okay.
Um, check with the concierge.
He will make sure that you see
all of the beauty of the island
without any of its,
you know, ugliness.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Did I... if I did something
to displease you I didn't...
Please check out Ricco's bistro.
Chef Ricco's ceviche
was rated number four
in gourmet international magazine.
He's very good.
- Okay.
- Gracias.
What's ceviche?
It's raw fish.
I can't eat it.
Hi, yes, can you please send
someone a little more qualified
to send the rest
of our baggage? Thanks.
A little bit harsh.
She was already coming onto you.
Hanna, honey, that's
a little bit paranoid.
Do not call me that.
Seriously.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Honey, see this?
This window?
- This is a separate country.
- Yes.
They have their own
cultures and customs, hmm?
But this is our time
and we can do whatever we want.
And if you want
a little bit of this,
- you know what I'm saying, sugar?
- Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Okay.
What color do you think
for the pool, honey?
- Come here.
- It's okay.
I don't wanna make you do
something you don't wanna do.
Oh.
Oh! Okay, yeah,
this is happening.
Okay, we're goin' for it.
No, it's okay, honey, it's okay.
We're okay.
We're okay.
- It's safer that way.
- I bet.
What about your jewelry?
Not worth it.
I like your designs.
I thought I was getting away
from the jackals.
Looks like I brought you
right to the den.
Okay, hold on.
Let me just get my footing.
- Oh!
- It's okay, honey.
- I don't want you to fall back.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yup.
We're just making a scene.
No, I'm not.
Don't worry.
Whale has beached.
Do you mind?
Ceviche rude.
Okay.
Asshole.
Asshole, yes.
Do you know who that is?
Who, what?
- That's Fabrice Mancini.
- I should know him from...
Do you know friends," two and
a half men, " Seinfeld?
- Yeah, of course. Okay, he had nothing
- to do with those,
but he always had a knack
for getting his lower grade
sitcoms to air right after them.
- Made a fortune.
- That's great.
Well, maybe he'll recognize you
and you'll feel right at home.
- Uh!
- What are you doing?
- Is he looking?
- No.
I'm gonna go to the pool.
- Do you want help?
- Nope, I got it.
I'm good, thanks.
You look great, honey.
Mi Amore.
At least you'll be pretty
like your father.
- I like that.
- Do that next time.
Oh, okay.
Just make sure
that you send it out...
What the hell is going on here?
Honey,
I'm... I... I...
Hanna, honey,
it's just the receipt.
It's for a couple of drinks.
I can't drink.
No, baby, it's not for you.
It's for Fabrice.
Huh? It's a classy move, right?
Sending over drinks and he
has to at least thank me.
Gives me an opening.
There it is.
Hey, sir, this gentleman
down there sent these for you.
- Uh!
- Bastards.
Hey, kid, what's your name?
- Diago.
- Diago.
How would you like to make
this many pesos?
- I'm gonna go back to the room.
- Hey, great idea, honey.
Rest up for dinner,
we're here to relax.
I need you to go over
to those girls
and tell them that you saw
someone famous.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, um, maybe, uh,
maybe "famous"
is too pretentious.
- Really cool.
- Really cool, okay.
Wait, wait, wait, um,
"in awe-inspiring way."
What does this mean?
Like, uh, wow, wow.
- Wow.
- Wow, wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
- Wow.
- Wow, wow, wow.
Wow. Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Hola, seora.
Oh, shit.
I am so sorry.
The Jewel is fine.
More importantly, miss,
are you all right?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
That jewelry
is absolutely beautiful.
May I ask who the designer is?
Uh, it's me, actually.
- Absolute ly breathtaking.
- Thank you.
I have a small line
in a boutique in Los Angeles.
I will pay for any damage
there is to that bracelet.
Not necessary.
I'm the buyer for this store.
We have many hotel chains at all
the top resorts across the world
and I would like to talk
to you about your line.
- No.
- Yes.
Wait, really?
Unless you're not interested.
- Excuse me.
- Can I help you?
Yeah! You, you...
I saw you over there
you look like a boxer.
- I'm a golden Glover.
- No kidding.
- Yes, sir.
- Golden gloves.
Trace Mcevans!
Dio mio.
May I please have
your autograph?
Uh, yeah, certainly. You know, hey,
happens all the time, you know?
Especially in the larger
entertainment markets.
I mean, glad to see that my
1.2 million view er base
is growing internationally.
Here you go, kid.
First famous autograph, hmm?
Actually, I got Bono's
autograph last month.
He was here
for a benefit concert.
Are you as famous as bono?
That's a good question.
I, uh, I, too,
am in a famous band.
Wait, like a band like U2?
Well, no, we only had
the one album,
but our sous,
"hard rock from the heart,"
was number one for five weeks,
three of them consecutive.
Stop the show!
Yes, I know who you are.
You're famous for... what?
Uh, you know, I did
a little bit of TV hosting,
I was in a band.
He's famous for cheating.
Somebody can be famous for this?
You heard him.
Every week a million people
would tune in to watch
his shitty reality show.
Uh! You should have seen it.
They take this d-list
celebrity couple,
they stick him in the house,
fill it with morally dubious
cable TV floozies,
while his girlfriend
watches everything
happening on a monitor.
Uh! It was brutal.
Ooh! And the best part,
be modest...
Let me guess, he cheated?
With every single one of them.
Wow.
Class act.
What was your nickname?
What did they call you?
You were the prince of penis,
or, um, royal dickhead
what did they... something.
What did they call you?
Yeah, that was a... that was
a tough time in my life,
and, you know,
before I settled down
and, as you know, it's TV
and there's no actual...
I mean, it's...
It's for a show, you know.
The producers they changed
the name of the show.
It was actually supposed to be
"lifestyle of a rocker,"
and you know, they made me
do some things
that I didn't really,
you know, wanna do.
What did they call you?
- King of... - king of infidelity!
That's it.
Not even a good nickname,
really. It doesn't roll.
If it was me, my show,
"sultan of shlong."
Right? A little mysterious,
a little Turkish sounding.
Not even a good nickname.
Looks like he didn't want
your autograph after all,
king of assholes.
That's a good one, too.
That really is.
Think of the t-shirts.
Beautiful view
you guys got up here.
- Seora Mcevans!
- Uh!
Como Va shlong?
Uh...
Is everything to your liking?
Shlong... yes!
Everything's fine.
Please, allow me
to escort you to your room.
- Gracias.
- De nada.
Wish I could say
more than "gracias."
That's very good,
your pronunciation.
Constructed in the 1930s,
just above the ruins,
if you can look out there,
the ancient ruins
of the Cueva De amor,
which is in English,
"cave of love."
And is built where the
indigenous villagers would go
for romantic trysts.
I, myself, went
for a romantic tryst,
and I'm still trysting today.
- With my wife.
- Oh, okay.
And now, unfortunately,
it's just a rebel stronghold.
Rebels?
Is that dangerous?
The people, they would come
from all over to work,
but the current government
put a stop to what they call
foreign invaders, and they said,
"a la Hui, Hui, Hui," you know?
Mm-hmm, yeah, we have people
like that in America, too,
but we tricked them all
into living in Arizona.
Brilliant, seora. May your
little one share your optimism
and make the world
a better place.
And here we are, your room.
Whoo! Yes! Baby,
I'm in there!
We are back in business.
So, your pandering
went well, I suppose?
- Oh, babe, he was such a fan of my work.
- That's great.
Yes! This is such a
huge opportunity for us, huh?
- Us?
- Baby, don't do that, this is too good.
I already said "great."
Baby, I have
a meeting with Fabrice.
If I can impress this guy, huh?
He can put me on his new TV show.
A musical.
Right after the new "glee" spinoff.
It can't fail.
- Do you know what that means?
- Love scenes
with someone not as cool
as Jane lynch?
No, this means like not... not chasing
after my own celebrity hot spots
and tipping off
my own paparazzi.
I mean, a real acting job.
Baby, consistent work.
You know? Paying better
than any reality gig.
Huh? You know what I mean?
I'm meeting with Fabrice
tonight, okay?
I'm gonna... uh,
white... white tank, shorts?
Pink collar, Navy slacks.
Hey, baby, why don't you...
Why don't you like
make yourself a tea,
just relax, you know,
have a nap and then, and then
we'll go like at night
and we'll just have a nice
stroll on the beach.
You know, a nap sounds perfect.
Great.
Mm-mmm!
Fabrice!
Uh, hey! Where'd
the ladies go, huh?
They clock out on me
when the sun goes down.
But, I'm here to pick up
the night shift.
Yeah, well, I mean, they seem
to be a little distracted.
We're not all as lucky as you
are, you little cock blocker.
Cute.
I like the shirt.
Very David Cassidy.
Yeah, my... my wife
picked it out.
I got us a table.
Us?
I hope this will be
comfortable enough for you.
The hotel has the best
restaurant in the city.
All I wanna do is work hard,
make a shit ton of money,
clock out at 5:00,
go home, be with my family.
- Oh, is that all?
- That's it.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That sounds like
the position someone earns
after 20 years
at the grindstone.
Those are long hours.
That's the one thing
my stay-at-home,
bored ex-wives
never understood.
All that time at work
is required
to get where you wanna go and they
just think... they never got it.
I mean, listen, I think that if
you're both sound as a couple
and you, um, you know,
you're both successful,
that you avoid making
those kinds of mistakes.
Well, excuse me,
who are you to judge me?
You... you, no,
I'm talking to you.
You're a literal fame whore.
You were on a show
and your talent
was banging chicks
that you didn't know...
To get more famous.
And you're judging me?
You're no better than
these girls at the bar.
And you, you're actually...
You know what? You're worse.
You're the worst kind because
you expect all the attention,
yet you do nothing for it.
And you're judging me.
That's awesome.
I... I...
Uh, I can't tell if...
Are you serious?
I can't tell
if you're kidding or if...
No, this is not my kidding face.
Fabrice, I'm really...
I think you got the wrong
impression here.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Okay, well, here's
the impression that I have
and you tell me
if I'm right or wrong.
My impression is
that you crashed my dinner
so that you could tell me,
in some long-winded
self-grandizing way!, how wonderful
you would be on my new TV musical.
Am I close?
I'm not... I'm not gonna lie.
That that would be a dream.
Yeah, as in fairies and elves
and Santa having sex
with the Easter bunny.
It would be a dream.
You, in my musical.
- I mean...
- Although, you know what?
You came here like a man
to talk to me,
tell me your credits. How many
musicals have you performed in?
Go ahead, tick them off.
Um... well, I, I...
Do you have any actual
acting experience?
Something where you
haven't been on camera
just playing this shitty version
of the person that you are?
Tell me about your line
of jewelry.
Um, I do mainly rings,
um, bangles, necklaces.
I... I meant the inspiration
for your jewelry.
Boredom and desperation?
Had I such a woman
with obvious artistic talent,
I would not let her suffer one
excruciating moment of boredom.
Stop it.
I'm very serious
about carrying your line.
Well, that's why I'm here,
to see how interested
you are in my jewelry.
Vast ly.
This is why you'll never be
anything but a joke.
You have no substance.
You can't just want something
to happen and wish upon a star
and expect it to happen.
That's not how it works.
You want a career,
you want success?
- Yes.
- Well, then work for it!
You think I went
into show business
hoping to do a series
of successful second-rate
television shows
with horrible laugh tracks?
No! I would give
my left nut to do
a prestige drama
with Morgan Freeman,
but it's not knocking
on my door.
They don't just give
those shows away, do they?
- No?
- No.
So, what did I do?
I kept working.
I kept working and working
and hopefully one day,
someday it all comes together.
But I...
This is not about you.
And I don't wanna be this guy.
I don't wanna be the asshole
that has to tell you the truth,
that none of your
idiot friends in show business
- have the balls to tell you.
- Sure.
But, you know, I'm me.
You know what I'm saying?
That's just who I am.
I didn't get to where I am
by sugarcoating bowel movements,
especially with people
I'm in business with.
Now, you wanna
be realistic? Okay.
Now the next time one
of these opportunities comes up,
you think about this,
maybe you wanna do
some high profile porn?
When one of these is and pregnant
reality star girls turns is,
you give me a call.
I know a guy, and we will
make some money together.
Thank you
for your time, Fabrice.
Mm-hmm.
Hey!
Anyway, that was
basically the end of it
and we never saw each other
again and all the better for it
- because I didn't like her anyway.
- That's good, then.
Excuse me, can you
bring two desserts?
All for me, but put them
in front of her.
Thank you.
How did you know my favorite?
Well, look, you don't want
anything to happen to your thighs.
So, I'll do it with mine, yeah?
Uh...
I'm sorry if I gave you
the wrong idea.
Or maybe you gave me
the wrong idea.
This... this meal has nothing
to do with jewelry, does it?
Everything has everything
to do with jewelry.
I suppose I have not been
completely clear with you.
I noticed you were with a man
who some of the hotel staff
says is well known, and a big part
of marketing is celebrity placement.
If I could get some photos
of him with some of our pieces,
I can almost guarantee
that we can carry your line
in this location for a season,
see how it goes.
That is a lovely offer.
And this is a lovely dinner.
Waiter!
At least I don't
follow around real talent
like some sort of TV afterbirth.
- Oh, that's what I should have said.
- Waiter?
I'm just gonna have
to excuse myself.
Hanna, are you okay?
You know what? You too
can jerk each other off.
My arms are tired.
I'll just say I'm not
opposed to the idea.
Are you upsetting my wife?
That was not my intention.
- Mister...
- Homer Simpson.
Funny.
Marge never mentioned
she was married.
- Sir, will you be paying?
- Yes.
Although I'm not sure what for.
Hanna? Honey?
What's going on?
Done. Can't do this
anymore, trace.
You're clearly not ready
to have a child.
Honey, I've been doing
so well lately.
Yeah?
I'm not.
But Hanna, you kept the child. I
Thought you wanted to make this work.
I kept the baby because the
known at the doctor's office
were playing movie "Juno"
on a loop.
You know what?
I'm sitting there,
and it occurs to me
that I have options here.
I can have this baby,
but I don't have to...
I mean, I can do it...
I can do it without...
Without me?
Hanna?
I can't believe that you
would even say that,
or think that.
It's not always
about you, trace.
I haven't felt like
myself in months.
Exactly'. Don't take this
hormone imbalance out on me'.!
Do not patronize me like that.
It's not the hormones.
- Okay.
- It's you.
- Okay.
- I don't like how I feel around you.
- Okay.
- This isn't me.
This isn't me.
This isn't who I am.
I'm not this negative person.
I can't control how you feel.
You know what, you do. And I
don't need that in my life.
I never needed anyone in my
life, and I can do this alone.
Like your mother?
Do you think that she was
happy raising you on her own?
She found her happiness.
Maybe... maybe it took her
three husbands, but so what?
- So what.
- Don't talk about my mother.
Okay? My mother's
freakin' awesome.
Okay.
You want me gone?
Fine.
You don't need to get upset.
Your grandmother's
an amazing woman.
Senor.
Oh, hey, from the hotel.
Yeah, well, not anymore.
After the missus called
they thought
I did something unseemly
- and fire me.
- No.
- It's okay.
- Oh.
I... I'm... I'm sorry.
She's not herself right now.
She's, you know, she's pregnant.
She's got these hormones and...
Oh, she's not herself.
I'm sorry.
Maybe she's showing you
who she really is.
Yeah, maybe.
Let me show you
what you've been missing
cooped up in that hotel room.
Hmm?
I, Uh.
I... I... I...
I probably shouldn't.
As is I, I've never given
a big-time celebrity
our special VIP tour.
I wouldn't call it
big-time celebrity.
I think so.
Are you...
Seora Mcevans,
is everything okay?
Murder is illegal
in this country, right?
Claro Que Si.
- Yes.
- Okay, when the police ask,
you never saw me leave my room.
- I saw nothing.
- Nothing.
Nothing.
Who are we gonna kill?
Where can I buy a bat.
- You guys have baseball here, right?
- Uh, no, seora.
Uh, seora.
It is very dangerous
for you out here alone.
Then come with me.
We're gonna catch
that son of a bitch in the act
and take him for every penny
that one damn song pays him.
Okay.
I will help you.
You're cutting off
the circulation in your hands.
Do you mind?
I'm just...
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi.
Ah, whoo, can't do that.
- I can't...
- Do what?
Ah, ha-ha. I, uh, I...
I... I love my wife.
And, um,
If I don't consider her
in all parts of my life,
I'm..., I'm-, she's gone.
And, um, yeah,
and... and this is, uh...
This is all kinds
of inconsiderate to her, so...
I don't think she sees you
the way that I see you.
When I look at you,
I see an a-list celebrity.
Whoo. Yeah, well,
you know,
sadly the rest of the world
doesn't see me that way.
They all think
I'm a complete failure.
- Failure?
- Yeah.
But, you know, maybe that,
that's what good couples do.
They, uh, they, they're
honest about their failures.
You know, they're...
They don't sugarcoat
their bowel movements,
and, um, I shouldn't even,
not even, uh, be here.
- Yeah.
- You are here.
Yeah, and, I, uh,
I... I should go.
I know that it's... it's a...
It's a thrill, right,
to be around
a big-time celebrity.
But, uh, you got a lot
going for you, kid.
You're... you're... you're...
Well, you are whip-smart,
and you got, you know,
hypnotic eyes
- and...
- Yeah?
Intoxicating skin
and... and you just...
I can't, I can't, uh...
Whoo!
Can't do it.
And, and I'm, I'm really
sorry about all this.
- Me, too.
- What?
You think we should just
keep heading this way?
Yes, Si. Cueva Del
amor is this way.
Uh, many people go there to, um,
they can go there to hug.
Yep. Got it.
Oh, look.
Got you now,
you cheating son of a...
- Okay, okay.
- Ahh.
Is this like
part of the hotel or...
No, no, no, no.
Don't try to take him
to the site now.
Hey, hey, no, no, no Policia.
Listen, I'll give you
dinero, yeah?
Dinero and no Policia.
Don't go to the police.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
- Dinero, huh?
- And no police.
You think I'm afraid of the police?
No, no, no, no.
The police are afraid of me.
Huh.
Oh, okay, yeah, hey.
But we can stop at an ATM,
and I'll give you lots of money.
ATM. We gonna take you to more
than one little ATM visit.
Someone is going to pay
big money for you.
Why?
Hey, I'm a nobody.
You think...
You're, you're a no...
You act like a big
somebody at the hotel.
You talk to everybody like,
like you're a big shot.
Yeah, yeah, I'm American.
Almost, pretty boy.
Never without a clue, huh?
Trace.
What have you gotten yourself
into this time?
We must follow.
They'll keep moving him and
marching him around the jungle.
If we lose them,
we'll never be able to find him.
What do you mean,
never be able to find them?
- Follow me.
- But...
But they have jeeps, vehicles.
They have to go
around with him...
But we can go through it.
See, all we have to do
is stay close enough
- to see where they go.
- Uh, yeah,
I don't know Spanish very
well, but that says,
that... that's red,
- that's not good.
- It's fine.
- Just step very softly.
- Hah, yeah.
I haven't been able to
do that for two months.
There has to be
another way down.
So just take me to a car
and we'll...
We'll go to the police.
Look, I'll see if we can
get any signal here.
This way or we'll lose them.
Hold on.
Maybe I'm...
Oh, sh...
Dammit.
That's okay, I wasn't
getting any signal anyway.
Come on.
You can do it.
Yeah, I can't do it.
I'm... I can't do it.
I'm really sorry.
Come on. I can see
their headlights disappear.
Okay, okay, I can do this.
Can't you see?
Go faster.
Come on!
Okay, it's all you, Hanna.
It's all you.
Dammit.
Dammit, I can't do this.
This is, no, no Pellegrino.
No Pellegrino.
- Oh!
- You just need a hand.
Let's get some help.
What is this place?
Used to be a sugar mill.
It's safer if we stay here
until sunrise.
Oh. What is that?
Oh, it's okay.
It's just
a three-toed tree sloth.
It's not dangerous.
Hi.
Oh, he's just so cute.
He likes you.
He is just a drivers license
away from replacing my husband.
Please, please, please, please.
Oh.
Who would've thought
sitting on a pile of rocks
could be this comfortable?
This is much better.
Very dangerous
in the open jungle.
Drunk hombres, big cats,
little mean cats.
Okay, so where
do we go from here?
We have to find the sheriff.
Why don't we just go to the police
station or office or something?
Well, it doesn't really
work like that.
Um, he's either
one of two places:
At the bar or at home sleeping.
Well, that's inspiring.
Oh, it's sort of his way
of protesting the crap laws
they make him enforce.
Uh, he's a very smart guy.
Okay, so where is this bar?
We should get some people
to take us.
All right, let's
not waste any time.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wrong people.
It's okay, just go.
I'm giving her a tour.
- Mmm.
- All right? Let us through...
And I'll give you
two cases of beer.
That's the price for locals.
But for her...
For the gringa...
It's more for her.
Much more.
Don't make me tell
your boss, okay?
We all know what happens
when something happens
to a gringo, hmm?
Police, army, journalists.
Journalists?
Diablo.
Journalists.
You know what I think?
I think you're trying
to steal from her
and keep it to yourself.
Ooh, you sneaky shit.
You don't think
I see through you?
Hey. Look, we're just trying
to get back to the hotel.
Please.
Good day, seorita.
Trust me.
Dale, Dale, Dale!
You know what
you're doing on this?
I think so.
Oh my...
Oh!
H ey, look out.
- What are they doing?
- Okay.
Look, I'm pregnant here,
come on!
Oh, my god!
Oh. Hey!
Hey!
Seriously.
Don't touch me.
Oh.
What the hell are they doing?
God.
- We have these...
- No, no, no, no.
Okay. Pretty boy.
I don't have pretty boy
feelings right now.
Ah!
- What?
- Told ya.
Totally chickened out.
Oh, no.
I go the other way.
Hold on tight,
I'm gonna give you some room.
Ha!
You want to come and die?
Come on!
- Where are we?
- You're safe here.
That is the toughest man
I've seen in my whole life.
He's the sheriff.
And he's my dad.
Wait, what?
Okay, h ey, guys?
I'd be happy to go along with
an on-camera appearance, yeah?
I mean, just... if you can
guarantee my wife's safety.
And hey, you know,
if you guys wanna go for fierce,
right? You should
probably move that... light
and you just move it
over there and you...
You get all... couple
shadows coming through.
"Ah!
Gracias.
Ow! Watch it!
- Por favor.
- She's fine.
Can you see my eyes?
- Uh-huh.
- People tell me I have good eyes.
- God, help us.
- Huh?
- This is our leader.
- What did you say?
- Nada.
- The eyes... Okay?
It's not easy to strike fear
into the hardened western world.
For breakfast they watch
a Tsunami footage.
War coverage.
And food network, Gordon Ramsey on TV.
- Yeah, yeah. We have to,
- but they think he's funny,
- he's terrifying.
- It's a good location,
let's go, action.
- Action.
- Okay, okay.
For decades our people
have endured
the abuse of the upper class.
Okay, cut. Cut, cut.
Que Paso?
What is that sound?
Que pasa now?
Dio mio, por favor.
Why are you crying in
the middle of my valuable time?
Que?
It was an accident,
I'm so sorry.
I've been wanting to go,
I would do anything
to protect...
Okay, it's...
You're fine.
Tell him you're fine.
- Okay? Please.
- I'm fine.
Look. It's okay. Okay?
We have to move.
Time for one more and then
we have to move, okay?
- Okay.
- You go.
Do you have any emotional
issues before I start my...
I have some abandonment
issues with my father.
But I'm okay right now.
"Ah!
- Okay, it's a little too much, okay?
- Let's go. A...
Action!
Okay. For decades...
Our people have endured...
The abuse...
Of the upper class, okay?
You come to us looking
like Brad Pitt?
We send him back looking
like Oliver twist!
We are a people.
You don't tell me to...
I'm... I'm in the middle
of my live time, okay?
- Stick to the script!
- We are not network, okay?
We are human network...
Human beings!
Thank you, I don't need your
corrections right now, okay?
- I took two years of English.
- That is perf...
- Two years of English.
- No, you're doing okay.
- You're doing good.
- You're correcting me again.
- No, it looks great.
- Start again! Start again.
If you could please...
Look at the camera, okay?
Look intimidating.
Okay.
I'm so stressed.
And so then she told me
to take her to the cave of love
and then, I saw Yesenia.
Yesenia.
Sounds like we have
a kidnapping on our hands.
Yeah, well, I think you
have to not wanna be there
for it to be a kidnapping, no?
Well, Yesenia works
with the leader
of a very, very dangerous
group of rebels,
who have been taking
high-value marks
for lucrative ransom trades.
Serves him right.
All due respect, seora.
It does not sound
like you want my help.
I don't know what to no, I mean,
do they...
Do they want money?
'Cause we don't have much,
just... just enough from one
song royalty to live comfortably
and I mean all the reality money
went to keeping up appearances
and this... really
fun vacation.
Well, they...
They will demand it from
anyone they think can pay.
Well, so they're not
gonna hurt him, right?
Oh, no. No.
They're gonna hurt
him very much.
If... if he cannot
get the money,
if he slows them down too much,
they will have to...
So that the government troops
will not catch them.
So what can we do?
There's nothing we can do.
We have to wait for their offer.
No, you don't understand.
This is trace.
He doesn't even know
how to dress himself.
Look, your son said that... that
maybe if we stay on their trail
that there's a good chance
that we could find them.
Yeah, we got to get
the bad guys.
It's... it's...
It sounds like trying to,
to catch a chicken
with garden wire.
It is difficult to do.
Look,
I know that I can...
I can do this on my own, okay?
But...
I'd really rather
not have his father
cut up into a million pieces
all over the Amazon.
Fine. Okay.
Make sure that the fort
is locked down tight,
and get all calls
to me on the radio.
We've have endured
the abuse for way too long.
You take our roses,
you take our bananas...
- You have oil spills...
- Yes, the senator
will be at the
bush family art gallery,
opening on the 18th.
Okay, thank you so much,
we'll see you there.
- Shannon.
- Oh, great. Yes, thank you so much.
The senator will absolutely be at
the Koch brothers family picnic.
- Shannon.
- Yes, we are so looking forward to it, okay.
Shannon. Shannon!
We will see you there,
thank you so much.
- Shannon!
- Mm?
Why do I care about this again?
Uh, because it was on the web
and a link was also
sent directly to you
- from a server in Cartegentina.
- So what?
Yes, I'm Cartegentinean,
but that does not make
me a senator there.
No, I know.
They also have, um,
trace Mcevans as a hostage.
So that's exciting.
You could sign right here.
It's for the elephants.
Should I know who that is?
I mean, it sounds
familiar, but...
Is he important?
You would have
to define "important."
So every two seconds an
elephant is brutally murdered.
Look, Shannon.
I am an important person,
my friends are important people.
There goes one.
Maybe Bieber knows him.
I'm going to
tweet him a PM, yes.
All right, we'll just
let these elephants die.
- Como esta?
- Okay, um...
You ready, big boy?
Let's go.
Go down.
All the way down.
Vamos, vamos, vamos.
- Down here?
- Yes, down there.
Wh... what about my wife?
She should be fine.
Likely reaching out
to the embassy,
who have the video from
our U.S. government contacts.
Play your cards right,
and these could be
a real publicity boost.
Oh! Hey!
Why?
Because you can help
unload the Jeep.
And we know this jungle
like the back of our hand.
Trust me, there are
things out there
that will do ten times
worse what we can.
The rules here are easy.
We're gonna travel randomly
through the jungle to the north.
You run, you're dead.
You slow us down, you're dead.
You get us caught
by the government?
Dead for sure.
Hey, um... what is the
situation where I get to see
my future ex-wife and estranged
child during visitation hours?
You keep up, shut up
and your people pay on time,
you're gonna be okay.
It's like I said, I'm giving
you the special V.I.P. Tour,
where you are responsible
for your own life.
You break the rules,
you are responsible
for your own death.
Oh, keep up.
I... I don't know the first thing
about jungle survival...
Cartegentina jungle
survival tip number one.
Shelter. Ham mock.
While it's still light,
set it up, head heights,
with about three meters
between two trees.
Staying off the ground will
keep you from getting bitten
by most dangerous things, hmm?
Hey, you really know
what you're doing, huh?
Yo, why aren't you
running this joint?
Big guy's crying again?
- Okay?
- He's fine.
He's a trained killer.
He's gonna have a baby.
That man is gonna be a father.
Wow, we're going really slow.
Sometimes you need to go slow
to be able to see through.
To see through.
Okay.
To see through.
So, we are... we are up in this section
and I'm right about that, correct?
It's easier for me
to like, figure out,
you know, like, some sort
of plan, like, a route or...
Oh, we're,
we're picking them up?
And we're stopping.
- So?
- Donde esta tu Madre?
No um.
Oh, yeah, let's put that down.
Let's put that down.
- Okay.
- Yeah...
It's dangerous.
It's like a toy to them.
Okay...
This is a jacket.
What?
Yeah.
Is something wrong
with this hammock?
Come...
Hand loop, over under.
Siberian knot!
Let's kill him.
No, we're not gonna kill him.
He... what did
I just say?
He is worth a lot of money.
Please don't get impulsive.
Please don't get impulsive,
remember what
happened last time?
We're not gonna do that again.
"Hand loop, over under.
Siberian loop each side.
I'm the queen
of the jungle."
Please calm down,
that's not fair, you always...
That's not fair? What
are you talking about?
Always it goes back to that.
Keep your voice down.
Okay, I will handle
your boyfriend.
Would you calm down?
Get it together, seriously.
I'm sick of it.
Good Siberian knot.
Yeah, you know,
I just did the old...
Hand loop over under and...
What's next?
At your rate of exertion, you're
gonna need some water soon.
Thank god.
My tongue is like
a salty cotton ball.
Uh, do us all a favor and
don't drink the river water.
There are worms that
will grow in your body,
crawl out through your skin.
Pretty bad for your
movie star complexion, no?
What am I supposed to do?
No Patience?
This is also typical American?
No. I'm an exceptional
screw up.
Survival tip number two, water.
You got the source right, but if
there's bacteria in the water,
what must you do?
- Boil it.
- Yeah.
After you start the fire,
boil the water, let it cool,
then you can drink.
You know, this has to be
some sort of like,
Geneva violation,
just to... you know...
Welcome to life
outside the bubble.
Yeah, well, I was very happy
with life inside the bubble,
thank you very much.
Were you?
Wh...
From the recording studio
to the white house,
Justin Bieberton gets political.
Let's have a look.
Uh, whatever dude.
It's like um...
I don't know,
they're just like...
So out of touch, you know?
Maybe we just need a like,
changing of the guard or
somethin' in today's politics?
I don't know why my daughter
loves him so much.
Okay. Anyways,
so Justin shared a tweet
from senator Ray Lopez.
Hey, biebs.
You know this fool
trace Mcevans?
Kid got biebs up with some
bad guys in south America,
biebs face.
Who taught him how to text?
I mean, let's be honest.
If I was vice president,
we'd get some stuff done
around here, right?
We'd make it way better
for all the ladies out there.
You feel me, girl.
- You got senator Lopez...
- Hey, nobody calls me biebs!
- Except you, girl.
- All right guys, come on.
That's enough, that's enough.
So Justin continued to share
on his social media.
"Look, this guy
is sending me tweets
instead of doing anything
to help this old rocker dude.
What else isn't he doing?
# seriouspolitical
# youfeelmegirl."
Great question, though.
What is our senator doing?
Okay.
You wanna play like that, biebs?
All right.
You now have one less follower.
70 million minus one.
Bam.
One big one.
No one messes with Ray Lopez.
Oh, god.
What have I done?
Hey, Shannon!
Adios.
Okay. So, now we can get
back to business here.
Um...
Okay, so I'll just stay here...
While my husband's
in the jungle.
Well?
Mm...
Nothing quite quenches
your thirst like a nice
hot cup of water, you know?
Little bit of grit.
We are far from the worst
kidnappers in this country.
One group forgot
to feed their captive.
He starved to death halfway.
That's why we allow our
new guests on a special tour
to take control
over their own survival.
Yes, but the problem is,
is that you've never met somebody as
completely self-destructive as I am.
Shit, forget surviving
in the jungle,
I can barely survive
in a WestSide condo,
eating frozen
gluten-free pizza
and drinking
grass-fed milk, okay?
Which I forget
to buy most of the time.
All right? Without someone
to literally buy it for me,
I would die.
What business do I have bringing
a child into this world?
I'm not even a fully
functional human being.
Problemas de jente blanca.
You're not going to find
much sympathy here.
Problemas de gringos.
First world problems, ah?
What is gluten-free?
Huh?
Juan, that's enough.
What? It... it...
Did everyone go to
the farmer's market
- without me and my...
- It's in the trees.
Here.
Am I this unthreatening?
Am I... am I this
unthreatening to you guys
that you just... you don't
care that I have a knife?
Yesenia?
Yes, Juan.
He's quick.
Ah, Yesenia.
- Yes, Juan.
- Not so quick.
Go get my fruit.
Not so quick.
- Hola.
- Hola... again.
Okay, great. So we're
all back in the car.
All right, so I got...
I've had some time
to think about a little
plan of action here.
And I think I've come up
with something so...
If we can just calculate
the miles per hour
that they are
ostensibly traveling,
then we can come up
with a radius here.
We have a plan
and so it's just...
Traffic.
No, no, no, no!
Seriously, come on.
Look. I was under the impression
that you were trying to help me.
I will help you
on my terms, okay?
In my way.
You are not the only
person in the planet.
Okay, but it just seems like
maybe if we come up
with some sort of plan here,
like, that involved actually
looking for my husband,
rather than picking up small
children on the side of the street,
then maybe we'll
actually find him!
Have belief.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
- Comprende?
- Si.
Well, other than the kidnapping,
how do you like my country?
Are you serious?
When this is all over,
you should come back.
Yeah? Oh, we will.
I'm sure.
- We have the beautiful beaches,
- we'll book our next trip,
- we have...
- Right? Right away.
Every last rebel
that gets in the way,
- one to the head.
- Yes, sir.
We'll retrieve the hostage,
no matter what it takes, sir.
Yes, yes.
Get the guy.
But...
- On the DL.
- Sir?
Just do it, but on the...
On the down low.
That is exactly what we do, sir.
Well-documented.
Somalia...
Tunisia.
Bin laden.
Props.
Not that anyone should be proud
of taking a human life, sir.
- No.
- And those are...
Classified operations.
That's what I'm talking about.
DL... on the dirty.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay, homie.
Keep me posted on Skype.
Yo. Bring it in.
What are we doing here?
I thought if we waited too long,
and he'd get too far ahead and...
Shh...
What's wrong with him?
Um, I'm not a doctor.
They have been trying
various drugs,
but technically speaking,
they say that she has
a virus caused by the devil.
The devil?
Uh, yes. Belief is
something very powerful
in this country, seora.
No, no.
Hi.
Seora, no. No.
The devil germs.
It's okay.
Bah, bah, little sheep
have you any wool
yes, ma'am, yes ma'am
three needles full
one to mend a jumper
and one to mend a frock
and one for the little girl
with holes in her socks
Bah, bah, little sheep
are you positive
this is a virus?
Si, seora, Si, seora
Ella habla waited and
no puede comer... much
and when she eats,
she vomits it all out
and she's very weak,
and of this there is no doubt
crazy, but has anyone tried
not feeding her wheat?
I know a gluten allergy
sounds like something
you can only get
in Los Angeles
but I saw trace go through
this with celiac's disease
which prevents him
from digesting
normal nutrients and causes
a violently upset stomach
and acting out
irrationally
Bah, bah,
black sheep
have you any wool?
Si seora, Si seora
There's no way that guy
could catch me.
- Gringo!
- Ooh.
- Fruit aqui.
- Is.
Don't make me sad,
don't make me sad!
No.
You go past those rocks
and I shoot you.
- These?
- I'll shoot you!
I don't wanna make you sad.
I like you happy.
Happy man child.
- Happy!
- Si.
This guy's a bloody marksman.
Oh! Don't do this.
Hey, guy, I like
nature documentaries!
I told you, gringo!
Gringo, what did you do?
I've killed.
We're eating well tonight, boys.
I got jungle blood on my hands.
I'm one of you guys now.
You're celiac's.
What?
Some kind of poisonous alligator
species or something?
No, no.
You just alerted them
to our location.
The police?
No, I didn't use a gun,
I used a knife.
Not the police.
Worse.
Greenpeas.
Greenpeas?
Christian, no one gives a shit
about our greenpeas
to fund the fungus farm.
They don't want
the truth out there
we could feed the world.
What is that?
Are those spider monkeys
humping across species again?
No, like a whole alligator
just went off the grid.
Vitals escalated
and then bang, like, gone.
Poachers.
Poachers!
Poachers of the jungle!
The authorities
are on their way.
Oh, pinche greenpeas!
Vamos.
Papa, we got to put them in...
- gracias, Diago.
- Enough to even feed them!
- Not even cornbread.
- Yes, we... we will catch the bad guys.
Like the lowest
of the lowest bread.
- Anything?
- Uh, we shall see.
I told you that belief
is very important in my country.
You show them that you have
kindness in your heart,
and for that they would
like to help you.
See, in the jungle,
it is better to have 100 eyes,
than just four.
So that's what you were doing
with all this driving around?
Finding ways to help people
to rally them?
Yes, when I was young,
I thought that I could
do it by myself.
I was the toughest,
because I was,
and because I could.
But in the jungle, no,
no, no, no, no.
You need the people, lowest??
That is the only way
to do it here.
Unlike you Americanos, we believe
that we still need each other.
Not true.
I mean, I design jewelry,
but I don't make
each piece myself,
and I didn't create Etsy.
I don't deliver
to each person's doorstep,
but, I mean, we all
need other people
no matter how independent
we think we are.
Independent, yeah.
The independence
you speak of, yeah,
it sounds more like isolation.
We all need the people
in the village of our heart.
The people in the village
of your heart,
that's a nice way of seeing it.
Cartegentina is a tough life.
We are the best at nice.
Wait and see.
The tracker says
they're right here.
That's them!
We got these bitches.
Attention, poachers.
Authorities are en route.
Oh, that was record timing.
Poachers!
We are representatives
of greenpeas.
We mean you no harm.
Back's empty .
So is the bottom.
And I'm not seeing
any sign of the gator.
Where is the gator, sir?
I don't know, maybe the swamp,
you can find it in a swamp.
You already turn him into a handbag, huh?
Huh, you piece of shit?
There have to be more of you.
Where are they?
Where are your amigos?
I'm just here all by myself.
- Can you pop the hood?
- Pop the hood!
So help me, we will lay
in front of this car so fast.
You're gonna see
how greenpeas does it.
You're about to get swamp, son.
- I'll go.
- Okay, right here.
Wait, what if he goes
into reverse?
Do you think you were
gonna reverse, bitch? Ha!
Nice.
We think of everything!
Whew!
This was a good idea.
Who thought of this?
A good leader can recognize
a good idea.
- Yesenia?
- Yes, Juan.
This your idea.
It was a good one.
Vamos.
Let's go, guys.
We carry it around the rocks
to the other side of the river.
Was that so hard?
Fearless leader, huh?
Maybe my ideas are not so bad?
Okay, okay, you're a good
insurgent member.
Thank you.
Now, what do you think
about my plan b
for the gringo now, huh?
Uh, your call.
It just makes sense.
Poor gringo baby.
I know, baby grande.
Trace?
Yeah?
Gringo baby daddy here.
Concerned about his future.
You know, we are not here
to hurt you.
That's great news.
How do we keep it that way?
Ransoms can take months
before they get to us.
Whoa, months?
The money doesn't go to us.
Money goes to the revolution.
- La revolucion!
- Revolution?
As a compromise to get you
back to your family,
we want to take you to see
some of the evidence.
Mass graves, chemical weapons,
illegal trafficking,
real first world shit.
No kidding. Congratulations.
That's pretty good
for such a tiny country.
These are some of the atrocities
our government is guilty of.
We want you to go back to the
American people on television
and tell them about us.
Getting on TV
to say something important,
that's, like, even harder
than what I do.
If you can promise this, we will
take you north to the border
and free you to our neighboring
country's embassy in just a few days.
Easy.
I can try.
No, I need you to swear it.
Okay, I swear.
- Yesenia?
- Yes, Juan?
That sounds like a weak promise.
Cartegentina jungle
survival tip number three,
never break a promise.
I swear to show the atrocities.
- Okay, okay.
- Yesenia?
Yes, Juan?
I don't know
about this idea anymore.
Si.
Let it be, please.
Let's...
We're gonna play it out
play out.
What is play out?
- Just go...
- What is play out?
Are you with me?
- No.
- No?
- I'm not with you.
- Are you serious?
- I'm not with you.
- Surprise, surprise.
Okay, vamanos!
Back in the boat.
Number, number, back, back.
Go a little slower
then?? Faster.
Then??,
faster, slower.
So, guys, are you going to
give me a ticket or something?
A ticket? For the nefarious
murder of a caiman number?
Who's the cold-blooded one now?
Heh, heh, nice.
Get it, cold-blooded?
Stop, don't move.
Watch it man! Those are very
endangered arrow carrier trees.
If you're trying
to shoot him, here.
What? Girls can't shoot
where you're from?
- Boom! Who's the tranq queen?
- Don't move, don't.
She's a good shot
with a tranquilizer.
Yeah, well I meant to miss him so
he'd lead us back to his camp.
Looking for this gentleman,
have you seen him?
You're looking
for Ryan seacrest?
Is that a yes or a no?
We haven't really seen
humans, in a while.
You know, especially tall,
sexy, handsome ones.
So yeah, no,
we haven't seen him.
Well if you do,
there's a significant reward
for anyone helping
to obtain the subject.
As in money?
For like, whatever we want?
Typically that's how it works.
We don't give out gift cards.
What about you?
What do you give out?
Do you want your phone?
Nice to meet you.
Boop.
You should have listened to me.
You, I told you
to paddle faster.
You, I said slower.
Pero we me we.
I told you to look out
for that branch.
Hey, you okay?
Si, mama.
I'll just take a nap.
Oh, no, nope, nope.
Sit up, okay.
You could have run away.
You're a good mama.
Yeah, I don't know how to be much
more than a good looking guy,
but I did take an extensive first aid class
when I found out Hannah was pregnant
and it suggests you stay active and
alert when you get a concussion.
- There you go.
- Mama, you make the best spaghetti.
Oh, geez.
My god, you guys are making
me lose my shit.
Bueno, bueno, bueno.
Tell your Madre I I say hello.
Did they find him?
I think the jungle
may have found him.
That's him?
One gringo marching
with a group of armed rebels?
Yes, I would say that is him.
Who the heck is that?
That could be trouble.
And there's no way to get around
the mountain before they do.
Well, I mean, is there
another way down?
Come, come, come.
Follow where the yellow crested
blackbirds are flying away from.
Got it.
Come on, guys,
we've all made mistakes.
I mean, I've made mistakes.
My wife,
she wants to divorce me.
You've gotta do something
to make it better.
Like move ahead
and make amends, right?
You sound exactly like
our current government.
Saying all these things, excuses,
promises that don't mean anything
because you're not giving us the one
thing we need to make us happy.
No more political murders?
Oh please,
the country has those.
I'm talking about choice.
You know, you can't control her to
do exactly what you want her to do.
Control her? Please, it's
not like I'm holding a gun
to her head
and being a dictator.
Yeah, Presidente apendejo
definitely said that.
You know, your head,
you're so far into the future.
Worrying, worrying about
your place inside that...
You've never been present enough
for her to be heard.
- Oh, she just can't ignore...
- Let alone make a decision on her own.
- The wicked barbarity of the past.
- But that's the point.
Give her the choice
in the present.
And then, I don't know,
maybe support her?
At least she made the choice.
And usually, however... however
begrudgingly, we have to rationalize
and, you know,
even if the situation
is clearly worse.
Clearly, worse.
At least we are happier to have had
the freedom to make the choice.
Isn't that what
we're fighting for here?
Isn't it?
It's not about promises
for the future,
it's about working hard
in the present
to make the future that we want.
That's worth all this.
All this,
come se dice... shit!
Exact o .
I guess that's the first step.
Vamos.
No, just...
Even I am afraid of this one.
I don't know who
maintains it anymore.
Dammit, what kind
of Babymoon is this?
I mean, all I wanted was one
of those nice relaxing
couples' beach massages
with those cute little...
Those stones, those hot stones,
and then those
cup things that leave
those really horrible marks
on your back.
Is that too much to ask for?
Your call.
Thanks.
Like this is gonna save my life.
I can't do this.
Let's just call for back up.
Diago.
Hey papa, did we get those guys?
No, no, not yet.
Diago.
Wow, he sure loves justice.
Yes. His mother was killed
in criminal violence.
As proud as I am
of the man he's becoming,
as tough as I am,
the loss of a parent
is a sadness
that I cannot replace.
Diago?
Oy, Diago?
Diago?
We need to move to the other
side of the mountain.
Let's do this.
Oh, my god!
Mira.
They found us.
Into the jungle!
Spread out!
You, stay here.
Who is it?
This could jeopardize
the entire movement.
Seora, kill the gringo.
Stop.
- Trace.
- Han na, stay back.
- Stay back.
- I brought help.
- Baby.
- You brought the government?
Yes, you're surrounded.
Let him go.
- Don't do this.
- Hey, hey we had a promise, remember?
Rule number three,
you never break that.
They're going to take
you away, trace.
No one will know
what happened here.
Maybe like this, someone
will come and investigate.
You're right, you're right.
Okay, this can be solved
with my death,
or... or it can be solved
with your choice.
Remember your choice?
Yeah, you've got a choice
right now, you can choose.
You don't, I will.
- Whoa.
- All of you.
- Hey, hey.
- All of you.
- Juan!
- Yesenia.
- Juan
- Yesenia.
- Juan
- Yesenia.
All the guns are pointed at me!
Okay, okay.
Told you, son, we know
every leaf of this jungle.
So we got it, right?
- The reward money for finding him?
- Don't have him yet.
They don't call me
the tranq queen
because of my raging
barbiturates problem.
Hey! Hey!
Yesenia, just run.
VETE!
Help!
My wife has been shot!
Dammit!
I never miss.
I meant to shoot her
in the chest.
- Que?
- Whoa!
Have a bowl of quinoa
and chill out, dude.
It's just a tranquilizer.
It's a 100% organic
tranquilizer. You're good.
Whoa, I'm dizzy,
but I'm okay. I'm okay.
Embrace it, all right?
You'll have a really nice nap.
You'll be a awake in,
like, two days?
Two days, tops.
No, these are not for humans.
At her body weight and condition, the
lowered heart rate can kill them both.
Both?
He's okay.
They usually don't kill.
Most people.
She's pregnant.
Oh, come on!
Yes, sir, we have visual.
Extraction is imminent.
Hey! Hey!
Trace, that is a U.S.
special forces MH6.
They're not going to help. They're
orders are going to be to take you
across the border
to the consulate.
That may be
too much time for her.
Hey, listen, listen,
the best thing to do
is to get her to the village
down the road to stabilize her.
I know exactly
where the doctor is.
Okay, okay, Hanna, baby.
- Honey, did you hear that?
- Hi.
- Hey. Hey baby.
- Hi.
What do you want to do?
You've got the choice, okay?
I'll stay with them.
Stay with them?
Okay, you stay with them.
We'll stay, we'll stay.
Uh, actually there's a reward,
so we're gonna have to...
No, they're right. If you stay with
us they're going to hunt us down.
Go with them.
Go with them.
Okay, I'll go, okay?
Hanna, honey,
you're going to be okay.
- Okay.
- You're gonna be okay by yourself.
You're always okay by yourself.
But I need...
The village... people.
Okay, baby, I know
what you mean.
I'll be your macho man, okay?
All right, okay, everybody,
everybody hide. All right?
Thank you.
Hey, trace, rule number three.
Hey!
Trace?
No.
Am I dead?
No, you'll be fantastic.
Both of you.
Good.
He's not going to be some sort
of adrenaline junkie now, is he?
Good joke.
Strong.
You see, seora, never be afraid
to believe in good people.
America will be happy
to see you.
America?
President back home, I've set up a
press conference at the embassy.
Great, Shannon,
I'm going to want
you to get every media outlet
we can get to be there
at this press conference.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
You know, see, I've been
polling kind of cold, lately.
- And this is the..
- Senator Lopez. Fantastic.
You're looking good.
Thank you. Oh, thank you.
Kind of cold and this is going
to be that one moment
I need to push us toward the
vice presidency slot next year.
- Great. I'm on it. I'm on it.
- I know you are.
Maybe you can pay me one day.
Any word from trace?
Uh, he made it to the consulate.
It will take him some time
to clear it all up
with the see,
but go, get some rest.
Tomorrow I will come
and take you to the airport
back to him.
Well, this has been
quite an adventure.
Thank you.
See, seora Mcevans.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Just so you know,
I said nothing to the police.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I have a little surprise
for you, right this way.
She's not picking up.
Get through this.
Make a little speech.
I'll fly you back
in country myself.
Okay. Has someone
already styled you?
The hair, the tattered clothes,
you look fantastic.
Uh, thanks?
So, let's get to the see gritty and review
what you're going to say to the press.
Okay, well, I was supposed to tell the
world about the government atrocities,
but I never got
a chance to see them.
Well, we'll just embellish the fear
you felt during the abduction.
We want some real drama
before we get to the part
when you shake hands with the
congressman and then, boom'.!
State your confidence
in the current political regime.
I don't think that I'm in a
position to talk about these issues
much less issue a statement of
support for the current government.
Trace, the whole world
is focused on you right now.
I don't have to tell you
how rare that is
or how important
your words will be.
You're gonna be great.
Please accept a complimentary
couples' SPA treatment.
Wow, I'm not saying
that I don't need this, but why?
I believe a guest of ours requested it
as an apology for a dinner gone wrong.
Oh, yeah. That was really nice
of him, but it's just me.
Even more of a reason,
girlfriend.
- Okay.
- Enjoy.
Thank you.
Is there anyone else you want
to call while we're waiting?
No, I don't know
anyone's numbers.
The only reason I know my wife's number
is because she made me memorize it.
You know, I just got kidnapped.
Uh, yeah, actually.
I've got... thanks.
I know, people have asked me,
"am I running? Am I going?"
I can't really answer that today
because that's not why we're here.
We are not here for Ray Lopez,
possible vice presidential candidate.
That's not why we are here.
The world brings its full
attention to Cartegentina.
And as a Cartegentinan-American,
I am proud to bridge the gap
between our two administrations,
and here on U.S. embassy soil
please welcome home
my fellow countryman,
William trace Mcevans.
Where did this guy go?
Hello, everyone, hello.
I am producer Fabrice Mancini.
Perhaps some of you...
Evidently not, I'm gonna be the
spokesman for trace Mcevans today .
Trace is taking some time privately
to prepare himself to meet the public
and discuss
his incredible ordeal.
I'm also here this morning to
announce a very special new project
that we're working on together.
I have arranged a V.I.P. Tour
with the Cartegentian rebels.
They will take my documentary
film crew further into the jungle
than any crew, any crew,
has ever gone before.
And we will hear for the first
time, from the rebels themselves.
And as it turns out,
every once in a while
there are some things
that are worth fighting for.
Any questions?
Is everything okay?
It's beautiful.
It's just not perfect.
Trace?
No ma'am, I'm just taking over.
Oh!
Took you long enough.
Why am I not surprised?
I certainly wasn't going to let you
experience this all by yourself.
If you allow me
to join you, of course.
What, for the massage,
or the pushing another
human being out of my body?
Both.
Thank you for making
this perfect.
Best vacation
I've ever had, I'd say.
So much so, that we
decided to make it a tradition
and come back for number two.
Yeah, why not every year.
Very French.
My gosh, sounds like you might not have
stayed together if you hadn't gotten away.
Getting away really gave us
some perspective.
It's true.
That's how that Oscar-nominated
documentary got made, right?
Oh yeah, did for that old government
what BLACKFISH did for sea world.
And it gave Fabrice Mancini
his first film of credibility.
Oh, papa's getting a call.
- Hi.
- Come on, trace. Hook a brother up.
Get me some good press.
You're my press secretary.
On vacation.
I got you out of the goddamn jungle.
Remember that, okay?
- All right.
- Trace, I was just kidding.
Okay? Kidding, kidding.
Come on, man.
Okay, I'll do my best.
I have to go now
and spend time with my family.
Oh, that boy!
Okay. Bye.
What does he want?
To be Mardi Gras grand Marshall?
Pretty close, actually.
These old folks make up
the craziest stories.
Madame senator.
For your visit.
Madame senator.
Enough with the senator stuff,
I'm just ahead in the polls
in what looks to be a fair
election, so a good first start.
Hi, papa.
One bit of business beforehand,
congressman Lopez, he wants to stand
next to you at the swearing in ceremony.
The guy, he's a bit of a ham,
but he likes the publicity,
what do you think?
Only on the grounds
that he support my initiatives
and I get a kiss
from that baby inside.
Deal.
- Baby grande, you look good.
- Thank you.
- Madame senator?
- Yes, deputy Juan?
This is the cutest baby
I have ever seen.
- Madame senator?
- Yes, Juan?
This is still the cutest baby
I have ever seen.
Si, yo se.
Hey, have fun
with your adventures, guys.
Dude.
We are the army of lovers
we pledge allegiance
to Venus
chia seed smoothies, I make a
good one if you want to come back
after you're done
with all this gun stuff.
Long trip, sailor.
So is that a no or a...?
King of the holes.
Good one, baby.
You know what, I'm going to make
you my head of development,
because I've got something
developing right now.
Sometimes you lose
the battle
I mean what kind of
Babymoon is this?
This is not what they have
in those "sunset" magazines
with the big island men
that rub coconut oil
all over your back
and is that too much to ask for?
Is it?
Yes.
Forget surviving in the jungle. I can
barely survive in a WestSide condo
eating... eating
like that.
You bring us Brad Pitt?
We send you back Harry Potter.
We want retribution.
We want fair wages.
We want equality.
We want Hillary Clinton.
Why did I say that?
No, but you don't want to be
on the first floor
because the children make noise and
they throw stones at the windows.
If you're on the third floor you will
not hear the stones on the windows
because they can't
throw that high.
Massage chair or mass...
Because I think in the...
- There's a SPA package.
- Yes.
- Masseuse coming to the room.
- There was an asterisk.
And if you go the bottom of the page it
says "please sit in the massage chair
before you come to a masseuse
because you will receive more
benefit if you are pre-massaged."
Let it out
let the night