These are not the best of times.
And nothing comes easy anymore.
In fact, ever since the fall of man,
things have been tough everywhere,
especially in the San Joaquin valley.
In 1910, in the southwest corner
of Kern County,
god spoke in a gusher of black gold.
We had a chance for greatness,
And in 1911,
we changed our name.
That was also the first year
Taft Midway Union High School
played Bakersfield High in football.
We lost...
56 to 0.
We also lost 25,000 barrels
of oil a day
because nobody could figure out
how to cap the well.
But we got on the map.
You got to make trade-offs.
For instance...
We've got the worst god damn
weather in the world,
but it builds character.
That's a trade-off.
And in 1913, we had a chance
to test that character.
Taft's own Kid Lester,
the toughest bastard ever
to come out of the oil fields,
got to fight Sam Langford,
the number one heavyweight
contender in the world.
Rumor had it that
Langford was out of shape
and didn't take the fight seriously.
They say he didn't have
a right hand anymore.
Kid Lester predicted a
knockout in the fifth round,
and, unfortunately,
he got it.
The Kid slipped quietly out of town
and was never seen again,
though he vowed he would
someday return to redeem himself.
Bakersfield beat us
by four touchdowns that year.
And then plague was thrown
upon the people of Taft...
that even Jobe didn't
have to deal with... mice.
100 million mice came up out of
a dry lake and marched on Taft.
0nly when thousands of sea gulls
flew over from Ventura County
were they beaten back.
Well, eaten back, actually.
It rained all the next winter.
Bakersfield 82,
Taft 6.
It seems like every year
they beat us 82 to 6,
but in 1972, something happened.
A great athlete rose
up out of the Taft desert
to cast a shadow beyond
the boundaries of Kern County.
A greek god, a leader of men,
a quarterback.
A great quarterback.
We had Reno Hightower.
At last, a chance to beat Bakersfield.
November 15, 1972,
our moment in history,
only seconds left
in a scoreless game.
Reno goes back to pass.
A golden arm...
He lets it fly...
and as he does...
he's hit by half of the Bakersfield team.
His knee is smashed.
His career is over.
But what a pass.
Sixty-five yards in the air.
At least we still had a chance
to beat Bakersfield.
And somebody's open!
Some third-string wide receiver.
The ball's laid right in his hands,
but that son-of-a-bitch dropped it!
I was that son-of-a-bitch.
And as you can see,
my mistake was so horrible,
not only has it haunted me
ever since,
but it's forced the entire town to
slip quietly into oblivion forever.
Sort of like Kid Lester.
I'm sorry, sir.
Your wife is here.
Thank you, Marcy.
Go file something.
I should've caught the damn thing.
What can I do for you?
I'm sorry to disturb you at work.
I know you're a busy man.
Could the bank make a
$100 donation
to the Women's Club production
of "Fiddler on the Roof"?
- We're doing a modern version.
- "If I were that rich dude."
How about $200?
Jack, you're a doll.
Jaki's class is having a party.
Could you drop off
some potato chips?
Honey, I'm the Vice President
of a bank.
- I'm very busy...
- Ruffles.
You have it.
Hon?
Are you happy?
I'm happy.
Don't just say that to make me happy.
- Are you happy?
- I'm happy!
Me, too.
0h, my god.
Daddy's here.
Mayday!
Look busy.
- Does this look busy?
- Looks busy to me.
Surprise!
Hello.
Bring it in, boys.
0n the wall behind the desk.
What's that?
Me. I had ten painted.
0ne for each bank.
All in the tradition of Velazquez.
So, what do you think?
I like Velazquez.
He's damn good for a Mexican, huh?
What are you doing?
Trying to look busy?
Look busy, sir?
I am busy.
Don't get hurt.
Thank you very much for calling.
So, Jack...
What do you think?
Think it's a bit too much?
Tell me the truth.
Well, it's slightly ostentatious.
Damn right!
Grand statement on a grand theme!
No brush strokes.
Paid extra for that.
Well, butterfingers...
Daddy, I'm sorry
you can't stay longer.
Sorry I can't stay
longer, honey.
Got nine more of these to go.
- Is that all?
- Come on, boys.
I hope everything's 0K
in Bakersfield.
0K? Bakersfield High's got
one hell of a team this year!
Should beat Taft 84 to 0 again!
(chuckles)
Bye!
(mocking)
"0K...
Bakersfield High has a great
football team this year!
Should beat Taft..."
[knocking]
0hh.
God damn it!
Why did Reno Hightower
throw that ball to me?
0h, Jack.
You've only seen him once a week
for the last thirteen years.
You've had a thousand chances.
Why don't you ask him?
- What's the problem?
- What's the problem?
The problem is EI,
it's that time of year again
when the first leaf...
"of autumn falls forlornly
on the barren ground below."
EI...
- I'm happy, 0K?
- 0K.
Thanks for the donation.
Don't forget the chips.
Bye-bye.
Aw, Carlos, more sharks.
My client wants lots of sharks.
Lady Di's got to be in deep shit.
It's more emotional.
I thought that was Pia Zadora.
- Is this dry yet?
- Yeah, man. It's ready.
0K, take it down.
Easy, now.
Careful.
What do you think?
- It's your best work, Reno.
- Thanks, man.
(sputtering and backfiring)
A little more shading on the bicep.
God needs more definition.
Hey, Jack. What's your problem?
It sounds like crap.
That's what the problem is.
See, it's clicking.
No, it's pinging.
That's just technical talk.
You need a valve job.
Reno, I need to talk to you.
Not now, honey.
I got a noisy Continental
and a wet Lady Di.
You always got a noisy
Continental and a wet Lady Di.
- Hi, Gigi.
- Hi, Jack.
I want to talk alone.
Come on.
I don't like being embarrassed
like that in front of the guys.
- It's not good for business.
- Sorry.
What do you want, sweetheart?
I want a divorce.
0K. I know your v-dub
needs a new muffler...
Yeah, and ti-rod bushing
and an exhaust manifold...
That's not why I'm here.
I'll get Eddie on it.
My life's out of tune,
not my v-dub.
Well, this is sudden.
No, it's not.
Come on, Reno, face it...
things haven't been
the way they were between us.
They haven't been
that way for a long time.
I made some notes
so I wouldn't mess up.
"I've gotto get out of Taft."
This is no place for
a singer to get launched.
"My mind's made up."
It has been for a long time.
I was waiting for the right time,
but there is no right time.
"L..." I was crying
and the words smudged.
- I can't read this.
- I can read your writing.
"As soon as I get the courage,
I'll talk to Teddy.
I'm sorry, I don't want to
be married to you anymore."
- Right?
- Right.
I... I got to go.
0h, come on, honey.
I'm moving out.
Now, wait a minute, honey.
Bye.
Aw, come on, Gigi.
Aw, shoot.
Ah, a family spat.
Dinner and a movie,
she'll be fine.
Can I offer you some marital advice?
No.
There's only one way a
man can come back to his woman
after she's dumped him
and still maintain one's pride...
There's only one way.
Crawl, with dignity, of course,
and women will forgive anything.
- Shut up, Jack.
- You got it.
Gigi got as far as county line
before she always comes back.
She can't get L.A. Out of her head.
First time she's ever said divorce.
What?
Yeah.
That's a terrible word, Reno,
"Divorce", terrible.
She'll leave me
as soon as I fix her car.
- You gonna fix it?
- Hell, no! I love her!
I don't know what to say.
Neither do I.
You got a burned out
intake valve on number five.
It's going to cost you 400 bucks.
$400?!
How the hell can I argue with you
when your wife just left you.
My great sorrow
at your domestic problems
prevents me from
calling you a crook.
Get out of here.
What about my car?
God damnit!
You've got a choice.
For $400, I'll fix it right,
or for $1.50,
I'll throw in some STP, again.
It'll still run shitty,
but for a week sound great.
- So, what do you want?
- Here's $1.50.
In a week,
I might be dead.
Can I at least have a loaner
so I can get back to the bank?
It'll take 15 minutes.
I've got a board meeting.
That's all I got.
Perfect.
Hey, Jack...
Some of us think you
take a loaner every week
because you're going
to the massage parlor
and need a car you won't
be recognized in.
I won't even dignify that
with a reply.
I've never paid for it
in my life.
Adios, muchacho.
- Visa or Mastercard?
- Visa.
Thanks.
0kay, you can start.
Meter's running.
There are times when a man must look
deep into the bowels of his soul,
into the darkest
chambers where demons lurk.
What's wrong?
- My wife's unhappy.
- How do you know?
Men know.
- Am I a good lover, Darla?
- The best.
Thank you. How do you know?
We never do it.
Women know. Is that what
we're going to talk about?
No. I'm going into
the bowels of hell.
Which bowels of hell?
Taft versus Bakersfield, 1972.
Football.
That's a bowel of hell, all right.
If I'd caught that ball,
my whole life would be different.
This is Ace Jointers and Extruders.
Number 441-06-9542.
$60.
What the hell are you doing?
It's a new rule. We have to
call in anything over $50.
This is outrageous!
I'm emotionally naked!
Get a gold card.
I don't have to call those in.
I've applied.
I want to discuss
my darkest sides!
As soon as I get approval.
I hate this, too.
It hit me right in the hands!
Thank you.
Sorry, Jack. It's no good.
You're right. It's no good.
I can't live like this.
The card!
I'll sue!
Calm down, Jack.
Maybe we can work
something out for under $50.
Can we discuss the game for $50?
- Aw, Jack!
- Please.
I know every county
line in San Jaquine valley.
I came here for a little variety.
All I hear about is some tie game played
13 years ago I can barely remember.
0h, come on, Darla.
You were gridiron princess.
Remember the homecoming queen?
Come on. You remember.
Reno remembers.
The whole town remembers.
- 0K, I remember!
- And?
You should have caught
the damn ball.
0h, I knew it!
0hhh! Aggghhh!
[Sobbing]
Can't you make a comeback?
From what?
I'm not a has-been.
I'm a never-was.
I aspire to be a has-been.
I'm not listening to this crapola,
and it is crapola, every week.
You got unfinished business,
finish it.
How?
Play the game again.
Just play the game again.
You can't play the game again.
- Why not?
- You can't rewrite history.
- Why not?
- It's an unnatural act.
There's no such
thing as an unnatural act.
I should know.
Tell me one good reason
you can't play
that game again?
All right, I'll tell you!
You can't because...
Because...
0ne reason, Jack.
Just one.
- Hey, Teddy.
- Hey, dad.
How was school today?
PE was okay.
Shop teacher started
acting weird again.
He told us Taft, California
was the safest place America
in case of a nuclear war.
- He said it's the winds.
- That's weird enough.
Teddy, are you out there, honey?
I guess mom told you
she's moving?
Yeah, she said something.
It's just to the motel.
She'll be back.
Hell, I know. A women needs
breathing room occasionally.
Hell, I know.
Teddy, give me a hand.
0h, hurry!
Thanks, honey.
I'm bogged down in Taft.
So's your father.
0nly he doesn't know it.
Your father's lost his drive.
0h! Careful!
I'm going to give singing a shot.
I just don't want
to settle for second-best.
Second-best?
Second-best?
I'll tell you why
I don't want to leave Taft.
I'll tell you.
It's a fair question.
You say why...
Why I don't want to leave Taft?
- I'm comfortable here.
- This place is a hellhole.
If you knew anything
you'd know...
Taft has been judged America's
safest city in case of a nuclear war.
It's because of the winds.
Ha! The winds?
0h, man, you're unbelievable!
You think the Russians
won't go for the oil fields?
They'll wipe out our energy.
Taft will be the first to go.
You think they won't hit L. A?
0f course they would, but at least
till then I'd be in the big leagues!
Here's another reason I won't leave.
I have a successful business here.
You owe six months' mortgage.
Five months!
Besides, you can't leave me yet.
Why not?
Your v-dub doesn't work.
I'm taking it to another shop.
0h, wow.
I have never been unfaithful to you.
Never.
0h, you know...
I'm just tired of all the junk.
The junk in my life...
The junk in this yard.
0K, now we're getting somewhere.
Name one piece of junk,
and I'll get rid of it.
You don't even understand.
- I do.
- No, you don't.
Just name one piece of junk...
junk... and it's gone.
What's this?
That's... a '53 Studebaker brake drum.
It's a classic.
Interchangeable with later
model Volvos, small Chevys,
some imported pickups,
'74s to '78s.
Some '79s.
Right.
I'll be at the Top Hat Motel.
[Honking]
Reno, I've got to talk to you.
Reno, I have just
come up with a big idea.
It's a one-in-a-lifetime,
monster concept.
It's a killer.
You want to hear it?
Can't wait.
We play the game again.
What game?
What do you mean,
What game?
The game!
How many were there,
for Christ's sakes?
Your greatest pass,
my greatest drop.
0h, that game.
You and me are going
to breathe new life
into the bowels of our souls.
We'll charge into chambers
where demons lurk
kick the shit out of
the little bastards...
- and change the miserable past.
- I like the miserable past.
0K! All right!
All right! 0K!
If not for me and not for you,
why don't we replay
the game for the whole town.
We can raise Taft out of lethargy.
0kay, you listen to me
for a change.
You dropped the ball.
The whole town didn't.
You want to breathe new life into
the bowels where chambers lurk,
you do it.
Colonel, sir.
I propose we replay
the historic game of 1972.
"Jack, Jack, Jack.
Life is short.
I don't have time for
this descent into this..."
...personal madness of yours.
In layman's terms,
Jack, you make me sick.
Is that a yes?
I'm a busy man.
I got the booster club,
the sports federation...
I've got the Black
0range Roundtable.
As you know, I'm the CE0
of the new Potato Bowl.
You think I'm here on my own?
Who could you represent?
Taft. The entire god damn town.
I am throwing down the gauntlet!
Gauntlet, my ass!
- I don't believe this!
- Are you afraid, Colonel?
Poor Elly, ten years
ago I gave you a job
so she wouldn't be
married to a bum.
The day I hear she's
thrown you out,
is the day you resign
from the bank
and slip quietly
out of town forever,
- sort of like Kid Lester.
- That was a lucky punch.
Victories for the underdog are
aberrations of the universal order.
That's why I've had few losses.
The biggest was
you marrying my daughter.
She could have had Johnny "0".
You must admit she'd have been better
off married to this great halfback.
I wouldn't say that.
Bakersfield high
school football is my life.
And your tax write-off.
Tax loopholes are a god-given right!
Probably even constitutional.
These young men
are like sons to me.
Look at this.
Great men, great poses.
There's more to life than this.
0h, Jack, you can't even pose.
In your entire life, you've
done one significantly correct thing.
What was that, sir?
You dropped the ball.
You verified the order of things.
We accept the challenge.
Well, thank you, sir.
With all due respect,
we'll kick your ass.
You're replaying what game?
I'm sick of games and hearing
about some ball you dropped.
I'm sick of anything
with a ball in it.
Let me rephrase my intentions.
What I propose to do,
stated rather simply,
is to remake history.
Pass the lima beans, please.
We'll blitz like Dick Butkus
into the future and
throw a vicious forearm shiver on
the demon ball carriers of the past.
I don't want to talk about
Dick Butkus at the dinner table.
I told you that.
Who's Dick Butkus?
All American Linebacker for
the University of Illinois.
11 years all-pro with the Bears.
Now he's doing beer commercials.
And I still don't want
to talk about him.
That's fine, Elly.
But this town is headed
into the bowels of hell.
0nly a great victory can act
as an enema for its soul.
That is gross, dad.
Can I be excused?
Can't we stay at the table and
talk like other families?
[Doorbell play Taft's Alma mater]
Entre.
I'm sick of our doorbell
playing Taft's Alma mater.
- It's a great tune!
- Can I be excused?
I don't like your fights.
It's not a fight.
It's a disagreement.
I forgot.
Did you finish your
thank-you notes?
0ui.
[Crash]
You don't need those
sunglasses inside.
She thinks I'm a fool.
No, she doesn't.
I do.
I've lived with that
dropped ball for 13 years!
I knew you weren't happy.
0nly when you talk
about happiness.
The rest of the time
I never think about it.
That's why we'll kill Bakersfield.
If you play that game again,
you'll humiliate me,
you'll humiliate the town and
yourself worse than you can imagine.
You don't think I'll catch it?
I don't care if you catch it,
drop it or sit on it!
How can I live with someone
who doesn't care?
Jack, you're torturing me!
You call the meaning of life torture?
I hate it when we shout.
Me, too.
Jaki's out of the house.
Mr. Weasel's here.
Bon appetit.
0h, Jack.
Elly, I've got a
new move for you.
Show me.
It's part Smokey Robinson,
part Gladys Knight,
but it's all me.
Jack Aquarius.
Gotta, gotta, gotta,
gotta satisfy.
Sort of a white pip.
I love it.
I love that we can
have sex after fighting.
We do fight about stupid things.
Stupid?
The game. Give me a kiss.
Honey, let me clarify something.
Just because we're making
up after our disagreement
doesn't necessarily mean that
the terms of that disagreement
are necessarily resolved.
Am I right?
I've given you every Monday night for
13 years so you could watch football.
I've given you most bowl games,
excluding, of course,
the hula and blue-gray, which
coincide with our theater production
at the petroleum club.
You've been more than fair.
But for the last few
years and the last few months,
your demons have
become my demons,
and quite frankly, baby...
I can't take it anymore.
0hh. Who can?
And not to mention,
If you play that game again,
I'll have to put up with a whole
new batch of crap from my father.
0h.
I am playing that game again, EI.
Jack, if you play
that game again,
you're not
sleeping in this bed.
Honey, now who's torturing who?
It's a tough choice?
0f course.
I love you, but...
Take your pick, Jack.
Me...
0r the game.
Huh? Baby.
Which is it?
[Sounds of lovemaking]
[Bed squeaking]
[Moaning]
Get out of here or
I'll kick your ass.
That was a cat.
You've got an hour to clear out.
Don't be here when I get back.
Right.
0h, that's a nice sky.
Looks like Taft.
This time I think she's
going to leave me
even if I don't fix her car.
I know how you can
get her back.
No, you don't, Jack.
Yes, I do, Reno.
I really do.
Come on.
I want to show you something.
Pose for me.
What?
- Nobody could pose like you.
- 0h, my god.
Give me that one where you're
stiff arming the tackler
and your right arm's cocked
for quick release.
You can't replay that game!
You know what Schutte'd say to that.
"The words of Lucifer.
Are you horny to win,
you commie pissant?
Let's play some football!" Remember?
Gigi loved you
in the home whites.
And you had on those white shoes.
You were the only quarterback
in the history of Kern County
to have white shoes!
We'd run down that tunnel,
and photographers...
"Mr. Hightower."
Boom! Boom! Boom!
And the crowd going,
"Reno! Reno! Reno!"
They're calling your number now.
"Number 12, Reno Hightower!"
Pose... yes!
Don't forget the teeth!
0h, this means you'll play!
We'd get killed, Jack.
You can't remake history
without an offensive line.
We'll get an offensive line.
I don't want to throw
the football anymore.
I can't believe that.
I don't even want to
throw a beer can into the trash
'cause if I miss,
some jerk will say,
"Hey, Ren, what's the matter?
Losing the old touch?"
I'm not a quarterback anymore.
I'm a van specialist.
And I like it.
I don't want to play.
Get off your knees.
I'll buy you a beer.
You've put me in a
difficult position,
but you do owe me something.
You're not going to pull that on me?
Reno, you're behind
on your mortgage payments.
If you were our quarterback,
we might be able to arrange
financing for your shop.
You got no shame at all.
I'd like to tell the caribou tomorrow
I have the greatest quarterback
in the history of south Kern County.
Do I hear the variable mortgage
interest rates coming down?
17%. 16%.
0h. Coming back up again.
Tell the Caribou
whatever you want.
But I'm going to
tell you something.
You're a lowlife, blackmailing,
chickenshit squid.
"Lowlife, blackmailing,
chickenshit squid."
Welcome aboard, Reno!
Hey, Reno!
Are you still the caribou president?
Aaaoooo!
There's your answer.
Give me a beer.
Charlie, I got to ask you a question.
Do you think Taft's lethargic?
Damn right. Proud of it.
You don't think we ought to
rise up out of lethargy
and breathe new life
into the bowels of our soul?
Hell no. We got it made.
No one bothers us.
500,000 people move into L.A.
Annually and make it miserable.
You know how many people
moved into Taft last year?
- Just Arthur and Earl.
- That's right.
And if you ask me Arthur won't last.
Come here, Charlie.
Jack Dundee's going
to be coming in here.
He's got a crazy idea
and needs the men of Taft...
he's going to tell you
I'm part of it, but I'm not.
Whatever he asks,
you just tell him no.
Anything for a brother Caribou.
In short, gentlemen,
we really need the men of Taft
to forge from the foundry of
history a new past and a new future
with, hopefully, a new
present caught in the middle.
In closing, I have to say,
Bakersfield must be destroyed!
Motion's on the floor.
Anyone second it?
Second.
Any motion not on the
agenda requires a second second
before discussion.
Second second?
Second second.
- Discussion?
- Discussion.
Second.
Chair thanks Mac Lynch
for seconding these motions
and opens the floor
to discussing the motion
that Taft challenge Bakersfield
to settle the question of who
or is it "whom?"
- Who.
- Second.
Who was the best...
Bestest. Best. Bestest. Best. Better.
Second.
Better team in 1972.
Discussion.
I'd like to go on
record and say
I despise Bakersfield
as much as any man in this room.
However, we don't need
to get our butts whipped again
by some giant metropolitan city
that has an unfair advantage anyway.
- Exactly.
- Sounds like you're scared.
Yeah! That you'll drop
the damn ball!
0rder!
0rder unto the Caribou!
I'm 0K.
Brother Caribou,
let's not rush to judgment.
Jack may have stumbled
across an idea here.
If Jack, who screwed up so badly,
is willing to replay the game,
then we ought to throw some antlers
in the ring and kick some ass.
Yeah!
Kick some ass.
No one hates the scum of
Bakersfield worse than I do.
Half the old team lives out of town.
And the half that don't
is in miserable shape.
Felipe Rivera's in Fresno,
Luther Jackson lives in San Jose.
0ur whole offensive line
moved away.
Where's Mando, Bam Bam,
and Dickie Larue?
We'll get them back
and we will get in shape.
- We're not organized.
- We'll get organized.
It's against the bylaws.
- What? Getting in shape?
- Shit no. Getting organized.
Have we no dignity or pride?
I object to your insinuations!
Sit down, Jack!
0rder to the Caribou!
Lodge bellow!
Aaaoooo!
I say in summation,
Jack's idea, no offense,
is sprinkled with horseshit.
Discussion over!
All those who think Jack's proposition
is horseshit signify by saying aye.
Aye!
0pposed.
No.
Ayes are above nos.
- I propose we head to for bar.
- Second.
Meeting adjourned!
[Telephone rings]
Marcy, I told you never
to disturb me here.
Excuse me for interrupting you,
but the Colonel's on the phone.
Marcy, I can't talk...
- Jack!
- Hello, Herbert.
What's happening?
I've got a problem.
Nobody here wants to play the game.
Having any luck over there?
There's a lot of excitement here.
I got no players, no coaches, nothing.
0h, my god.
Is there any way
I could get out of this?
You've put me in a difficult position
because everyone here's
giddy with expectation.
I suppose I could let you
off the hook, but you'll owe me one.
Jack-o, just kidding!
You went for the fake as usual.
Pardon me?
Jack, say hello to Tony Tiger!
Grrr!
Jack, we'll eat you alive.
All right,
here are the rules.
0nly men from
the '72 team can play.
We'll go fifteen minute
quarters, NFL style.
0ne point conversions.
We're pros, right?
0ne more thing, Iron Hands.
When you put on your uniform,
the jockstrap goes on the inside.
Buy me a drink?
Whatever she wants, Chico.
Reno, it's me.
Darla.
Darla Robinson!
I didn't recognize you!
It's been what, 12 years?
Have you seen Jack?
He drives around the house
every night, circles the block,
and heads to the motel.
- Seen Reno?
- No.
I think he's been sneaking out to
Darla's the past couple of months.
Darla? Please.
Do you think Jack
ever went out there?
0f course not. I'd know.
I remember it
like it was yesterday.
I was standing on the fifty
yard line at half time.
I was the damn homecoming queen,
surrounded by rocket princesses.
And pregnant.
We both screwed up.
What do they want?
It's simple what men want.
What men want is more eye make-up.
Lots and lots of eye make-up.
Heavy liner on the bottom lid.
Thank you, Linda.
Hey, Darla,
I got to ask you something.
How many touchdown passes did
I throw against Porterville in '72?
Six. You were terrific.
You were a terrific bastard, too.
But we were undefeated, so it was 0K.
You seem nicer now.
- Nicer?
- Yeah.
Hit it.
I always dreamed the
boy I loved would come along.
He'd be tall, handsome,
rich, and strong.
Now that boy I love has come to me.
But it sure ain't the
way I thought it would be.
# Sha-la-la-la
Hey, hey, hey #
# Sha-la-la-la
Hey, hey, hey #
# Sha-la-la-la
Hey, hey, hey #
# 'cause you're the boy I love #
# He don't look like a movie star #
# He don't drive a cadillac car #
# Sure ain't the boy I been dreamin' of #
# but sure is the boy I love #
#... when he holds me tight #
# Everything's right crazy
as it seems #
# I'm his wherever he is
and I forget all of my dreams #
# Everybody knows #
# He doesn't hang diamonds
'round my neck #
# And all he's got's an
unemployment check #
# He sure ain't the boy
I been dreamin' of #
# but he's sure the boy I love #
# I'm his wherever he is #
# But don't forget all
of your dreams #
# But I love him so #
# He doesn't hang
diamonds 'round your neck #
# And all he's got's an
unemployment check #
# Sure ain't the boy
I been dreamin' of #
# But sure the boy I love #
# Whoa-ho-ho. #
Bakersfield kicks ass!
Who was that?
Who the hell did that?
Damn tiger!
I'm going to kick his ass!
I'll kill that bastard.
0f all the dirty tricks!
There's a lunatic out there.
Lunatic, my ass.
It's Bakersfield.
What's is going on here?
Chickenshit son of a bitches.
It's terrorism.
Simple god damn terrorism.
We've been violated.
I don't understand this.
That's how they work.
They confuse you,
then divide and conquer.
That's how terrorism works.
Damn right.
1971 wasn't 42 to 0.
That was 35 to 0.
This graffiti's all wrong.
0h, my god!
Charlie.
They broke my gavel.
Attacking symbols
of office and authority.
It's nihilism, I tell you.
They defaced our women.
We must redeem our dignity and pride.
We'll redeem your
dignity and pride.
My dignity and pride
are just fine, thanks.
I know you're upset.
No shit!
We'll kill Bakersfield for you, ma'am!
Well, I don't care.
You understand that?
She cares.
I propose a vote without
a quorum...
that Reno Hightower was the greatest
quarterback in the history of America!
Yeah!
Right!
Reno, you're going
to play ball again.
Who said anybody
was replaying anything?
Rosie, tell them
this is all unnecessary.
Actually, I'd like
to have my honor defended.
Yeah!
Jack, is it too late
to get the game on?
Geez, I don't know.
Ask Mr. Hightower.
God damn it.
Let's kill Bakersfield!
If I ever find who
did this, I'll kill him!
Land of hope and glory
'neath the azure skies
where our friendships are welded
ever bonded our ties.
Getting in shape isn't enough.
To remake history,
we need an edge.
We don't need an edge,
we need an offensive line.
We need Felipe, Mando,
Bam Bam, Dickie Larue!
Felipe!
Bam Bam!
Mando. Mando.
Bam Bam. Bam Bam!
Dickie Larue!
Return to the scene
of their greatest triumphs.
Ready!
Set!
Hut!
Hut! Hut!
0ur offensive line sounds
like a tuberculosis ward.
We got to get scientific.
- What do you mean?
- Aerobics.
What?
1... 2... 3... 4...
And 1... 2... 3... 4...
and 1...
Get those legs up there, girls.
Yes!
Now dessert!
Well, what do you think?
I think it's pathetic.
Makes a grown man want to cry.
We gotta get back to fundamentals.
- No shit.
- How do we do that?
Men, this is the play book.
There's more than 200 plays in here.
Learn every damn one.
What kind of offense
will Taft run?
0ffense? They're probably
drawing plays in the dirt.
Eddie, this pebble is you.
Chico, you're the bottle cap.
Run a post to this piece of glass.
I thought I was the glass.
You're the twig, damn it!
Twig.
Just go long.
0K. On 4.
Ready? Break!
# Land of hope and glory #
# 'neath the azure skies #
# where our friendships
are welded #
# ever bonded our ties #
# where the derricks run skyward #
# and our spirits run free #
# in the valley so fertile #
# always hail to thee #
# Land of our Alma mater
always hail to thee #
# Land of our Alma mater
always hail to thee #
BIG RE0PENING S00N
Gigi, they've all gone crazy.
Sometimes I think Reno never
knew how to get through to me.
Gigi, I know you're inside.
I want to talk.
Honey?
0K, honey, just listen
to me and... remember.
God.
# Why do birds suddenly appear... #
This is low.
What a cheap shot.
#... every time you are near #
# Just like me they like to be... #
Gigi, we got to get you out of here.
# Why do stars fall down
from the sky #
# every time you walk by #
This way.
0ut the window.
Come on. Shh.
# Close to you #
# on the day that you were
born the angels got together #
# and decided to create
a dream come true #
Careful.
Let's get out of here.
#... hair of gold and
starlight in your eyes of blue #
tiddle-um, tiddle-um.
Look at all that phony,
virile, pseudo-macho posing.
Yeah.
They look great.
Yeah.
Maybe we've been too rough on them.
I know you don't want to se Reno.
Maybe I could ask Jack to dinner.
Just to talk, of course.
You caving in?
No! There'd be very
strict ground rules.
What kind of ground rules?
We shouldn't have trouble
with the ground rules.
What ground rules?
There's two things
we can't talk about.
What?
Football and sex.
0h...
Jesus, what will we talk about?
What are we going to talk about?
Steer clear of anything personal.
Don't make it too hard on them.
What if they pass
the Monday-night test?
Then we can get personal.
I'm not getting personal.
I don't care how good they look.
How do I look?
You look hot.
I look like a dork.
You look hot.
What are we going to talk about?
What are we going to talk about?
Go with the flow.
If things go well,
the old magical glow
could kick in...
we might even score.
We got to be careful.
Right, careful.
With a hint of reckless.
They like that.
Women and the game.
We could have it all.
I want my wife back.
Don't screw this up.
Hey, me?
I'm in control.
Hey, dad.
Teddy.
- Hi, Mr. Dundee.
- Hi, boys.
We didn't think
you'd show up tonight.
Why not?
It's Monday night.
Atlanta-Minnesota.
My god!
Monday Night Football.
They scheduled it
on Monday night on purpose.
Atlanta and Minnesota have
lost 17 straight games between them.
Even we don't want to watch them.
- Hi, dad.
- Hey, Jaki.
She's glad you came.
Tell her I love her.
D00RBELL 0UT 0F 0RDER
[plays Alma mater]
What are we going
to talk about again?
It doesn't matter.
Do not take sides at all costs.
No arguments.
Be bland and be strong.
Bland and strong.
- Hello.
- Hi.
It smells super.
The food.
Better than super.
It's really, really super.
That's sweet of you.
Yeah. Thanks.
We've got a lot to talk about.
Where do we start?
We thought maybe we could
talk about, for example, the world.
Just for starters.
I just can't get a
handle on the middle east.
It's a swamp.
A real mess.
Don't you think so?
Yeah, it's a swamp.
You think, honey?
Th... that it's a swamp?
Hey, absolutely.
I thought so.
It's probably too complex
to talk about over dinner.
You know, there's
always the nuclear question.
Since Taft's the
safest city in America...
I think that whole
area is another swamp, too.
But a very complex one,
a swamp with many levels
of political overtones
that can't be fathomed
at the present time,
but needs the distance of the future
to give it a perspective
so you can truly
have a point of view
and realize viscosity
of that quagmire.
And the only way to understand this
is to realize it's incomprehensible.
It's like at the shop.
We're chopping up a caprice,
taking the dings out of a nova.
I've had too much wine.
Excuse me.
Doing good.
Just tie it together.
[Urinating]
How about acid rain, huh?
So what have you guys been up to?
Busy, you know.
Busy.
Just really busy, I bet.
- Really.
- Yeah.
[Clearing throat]
No score.
What?
My throat's sore.
I'm going to have to
use the little boy's room, too.
Acid rain.
You got it.
That's a swamp, too.
With that acidity, normal
swamp creatures can't flourish.
They need salinity to survive.
Now what is the swamp?
What Jack was talking about.
[Bell rings]
That's dessert.
- I'll get it.
- Let's go together.
Reno hasn't looked
this good in years.
Have I been drinking too
much or does Jack look sexy?
No! They're both hot.
They're so
god damn well-behaved.
They're afraid to
open their mouths.
They don't even know
it's Monday night.
See? I told you.
We can have it all.
The women and the game.
Turn it off.
Fumble!
- Vikes' ball.
- It's Atlanta's ball.
- Vikes' ball.
- Look, it's Atlanta's ball.
Where are you studs?
Get in the bathroom.
I'll cover for you.
- Women and the game.
- Turn it off, Jack.
Guess who's in the bathroom again?
Is something wrong with the wine?
No. It's super.
It's running right through us.
It's good.
Hey, how about Beirut, huh?
What do you know about Beirut?
He da bes' damn baseball
player ebber live!
That's so funny!
Isn't that great?
0h... let's face it.
We don't have to talk
about important issues tonight.
We can talk about life.
Yeah, what the hell.
- You look great.
- So do you.
Jack and I used to refer
to the magical glow of things.
Let's try to get that back.
Things are going so well tonight.
Maybe we could talk about marriage.
Where were we?
International trade
imbalance, the pope?
I'm having a ball.
The thought has occurred to me that
we could go around this table,
each one of us individually
listing our cases,
stating our gripes and grievances
about our marital prob...
Honey, what's the matter?
There's something wrong
with the wine.
No, it's a...
A muscle cramp.
We'll come and rub your backs.
No!
No, we want to sit here
and look at you.
And we want to sit here
and look at...
Looking good!
We're just a couple of
party cossacks.
Party!
0h! I do love you, Jack.
0h, I'm having a wonderful time.
- Good hands.
- What?
0h, your little cold hands.
They're not that cold.
Easy. Four seconds.
Did you say that we're
0K for sex?
It's about time, Reno.
You're looking so good tonight.
I was wondering if you
thought...
God, what a catch!
0h, my god, Jack!
- Who put that there?
- Atlanta-Minnesota!
- It's entrapment!
- Entrapment?
They're 0 and 17! My god!
Jack, get out!
Mister we-can-have-it-all,
what do we do now?
Ask him to turn the sound up.
There's still the postgame highlights.
You are full of shit.
In every way possible
to be full of it, you are!
Even your bullshit is bullshit.
You once said you liked the way I could
command respect without saying much.
I was always amazed at the way
you could make so much noise
without doing anything.
There's a style there, a confidence.
Really, Jack, you're
a decent human being basically.
- You're just full of shit.
- What are you implying?
I'm not implying!
I'm saying!
You know something, Reno?
In kindergarten, I had it all.
I was the first to memorize
the itsy-bitsy spider.
In 6th grade, I was
voted most likely to succeed.
In 12th grade,
I won the Caribou Lodge Purple
Mountains' Majesty Youth essay contest.
Remember? It was called,
"God, my friend."
Hell of an essay, too.
Thanks.
I had a future,
until I went out for football.
Because from 9:22 on the night
of November 15, 1972,
until now, I've simply been known
as the man who dropped the ball.
0h, god.
I want Elly back.
Why can't it be as easy as
it is on the football field?
They put their panties
on one leg at a time.
They might hop in both legs at once.
Have you told Elly
you think you're a bad lover?
0f course not. She knows.
If she doesn't, I don't want
to give her any clues.
My bazooka's dead.
Don't tell me this.
My arm.
I can't throw anymore.
- You're great.
- I was never great.
I was great for around here.
Every year I got better.
The kids always ask me about
the six touchdown passes
I threw against Porterville.
- Hell, I only threw three tds.
- It was seven.
I'm not going to argue.
I like seven better.
Couple more years it'll be eight.
I get better with age.
My knees are killing me.
I'm slow.
That's why you didn't want to play?
No.
I just...
I didn't want to destroy
the only thing I got left...
those stories about
how great I was.
You want to know something else?
Bakersfield is loaded.
1, 2, 3, 4...
It's the worst idea
I've ever had.
We're not going to revive the town.
We're going to destroy it.
Is it too late
to call off the game?
It's even too late
to get out of the dance.
# Don't say nothin'
bad about my baby #
# Don't say nothin'
bad about my baby #
# I love him so #
# Don't say nothin'
bad about my baby #
# 0h, don't you know
Don't say nothin' bad about my baby #
# He's good
He's good #
# He's good to me
Good to me #
# And that's all I care about #
Elly's not coming.
She'll be here, Jack.
She wants to see her old friends.
Better?
That is disgusting.
Mom, what is this game all about?
I want to understand.
In your life, isn't there something
you wish you'd done differently?
If you could do it over,
you'd change things?
No.
Maybe you have to
be a grown-up to understand.
T-a-f-t.
Taft!
That was Gigi and the Blenders!
Let's give a good hand!
Direct your attention
to the rocket ship.
Welcome back Luther Jackson,
the greatest running back
in the history of Kern County!
It's great to return to one's roots!
How you doing, man?
Lighten up!
Reno, look.
What do I do now?
- Be cool.
- Be what?
She's going straight to Gigi...
Yeah, and...
Right to the ladies' room.
This whole thing is a joke, Gigi.
He has revived Taft.
Jack's doing everything he said.
I know.
It's amazing, ain't it?
Yes.
Come on.
Dance with the son of a bitch.
Why should I?
Because you want to.
That's not a good reason.
Then do it because this is his
moment in the sun.
Tomorrow is Jack's
moment in the sun... the game.
No, it's tonight
while there's hope,
because tomorrow Bakersfield's
going to slaughter us.
They've been in there forever.
What the hell are
they talking about?
Jack-o!
Reno!
I can't believe
you guys pulled this off.
After tomorrow,
Taft won't forget your name.
We were just talking about
the eight touchdown passes
you threw against Porterville.
You don't throw eight tds
without great protection.
Tomorrow, I'll need it.
We're a lean,
mean fighting machine!
I'm dancing.
Elly, is that you?
If it isn't, disregard
everything you're about to hear.
You once told me to choose
between you and the game.
Well...
I got it wrong.
Tomorrow we'll get our ass kicked.
I have no right to ask
you anything at a time like this.
It would be nice
if you could dance with me.
Those are your feet,
aren't they?
Jack Aquarius.
What do you want?
I want you...
...to kill Bakersfield.
0kay.
Do you do that left to right
or right to left?
Both ways.
Just in case.
Yeah.
- You catholic?
- At the moment.
Excuse me.
Thank you, Jack.
Jack, here we are.
You finally got what you wanted.
Wretched luck.
Relax. You're going to be a hero.
What if I'm not?
It's just a game.
Just a game.
Kickoff time, sports fans.
0utlined against the November sky,
the four horsemen ride again.
They were once known as disease,
famine, pestilence, and death.
We'll need luck.
No such thing.
End-over-end kick,
coming down to number 34.
He's at the 5, the 10, the 15.
The quick reverse to Johnny "0"!
Touchdown!
Johnny "0", Bakersfield.
Had to be Johnny "0".
You lucky son of a bitch!
Swing it, swing it, swing it, yeah!
What did that take?
Four seconds?
Nail them!
The kick is good.
Bakersfield 7, Taft 0.
- You a Rocket or a pissant?
- I'm a Rocket
God damn it!
Come back here!
I don't want to
sound biased, Arturo,
but that's a lean, green war machine
down there on the field.
Let's see what kind
of shape you're in.
Quick pitch to Luther on 1.
Ready?
You a Rocket or a pissant?
- I'm a Rocket!
- Show me!
Set! Hut!
Pitch to Luther Jackson.
He's down at the 5.
Same play, other side.
0n 1, Ready. Break!
Set! Hut!
Luther Jackson down at the 2.
It's like playing my sister.
3rd and 18.
I love this game.
Luther, split right,
run a straight fly.
Jack, post pattern on 4.
Be careful,
Dr. Death is covering you.
- No sweat.
- I thought he was in jail.
No, he's on parole.
0n 4. Ready? Break!
I'm going to take your teeth out.
Yeah!
0n 4.
0pen your eyes, punk!
Set!
0n 4.
Come on back here.
Wait for the ball.
I'm open!
Come on!
Illegal procedure on number 99,
Jack Dundee.
Great move, Jack.
You're wide open.
6 points.
Great start, huh, Jack?
In the first quarter,
Taft 0, Bakersfield 13.
Johnny "0".
Key on "0"!
Look at this, guys!
Here it is!
The score is Bakersfield 20,
Taft nothing.
Kill somebody!
Incomplete pass from Hightower.
Hightower thrown for
a loss of 12 yards.
Ready?
Set!
[Thunder]
A long pass to Johnny "0"
at the 30, 25, 20...
Touchdown!
Johnny "o" of Bakersfield.
I love it!
Give me a high five!
God, Morgan, my knee!
God damn it!
Jeez!
Is there a doctor in the house?
We're coming.
0h, shit!
Call my mom.
Watch my knee.
Taft 0, Bakersfield 26.
[Thunder]
Something's happening to
the blue-grey November sky.
There seems to be some turbulence.
20 seconds left
in the first half.
It's half time now.
It's starting to get
a bit of a Taft sprinkle.
Let's get out of here.
Half time statistics, rushing yardage...
Bakersfield 314 yards,
Taft minus 12.
The weather sucks.
We have a great half-time show.
Listen to that great
Rocket band.
Sorry. Some great passes.
Should have had them.
Forget it.
Matthew 14, verse 11.
"Ye shall know the truth,
and it shall make you free."
Amen, coach!
0n Monday morning,
they'll still be them,
and we'll still be us,
but for the next 30 minutes,
we can rule Kern County!
Yay!
Gentlemen, now!
Now! Now!
Now we play some football!
Yay!
That ought to keep them
going through the kickoff.
They say a little of this stuff
warms the body and clouds the mind.
That stuff runs right through you.
Better go drain the weasel.
Come on, Ren, have a drink.
We're on a sinking ship.
The only way to do that
with dignity is to be drunk.
It's easy for you, isn't it?
You stunk 13 years ago,
and you stink tonight.
You haven't lost
a god damn thing.
This frigging nightmare
is all mine now.
It's all my fault.
Have a drink.
It's not your fault.
0h, yes, it is.
Have a god damn drink and relax!
You.
0h, my god!
That was you.
I forgot...
who put that there?
- You don't think l...
- I ought to kill you!
Reno, I was framed.
Framed, my ass!
God damn it!
You started this disaster,
and you're going to finish it.
You quarterback next half,
and they'll kill you.
You know what will be
on your tombstone?
Jack Dundee tried to remake history
and got beat 100 to nothing.
They won't score
that many points.
They might score 200,
but who cares?
There you go.
What do you got to say now?
You're right.
You're not a
quarterback anymore, Reno.
You're just a van specialist.
I shouldn't have expected you
to lift a town out of lethargy.
I was wrong to think
you were still a leader
because you've lost it,
not just in football, in life.
There, I've said it.
I'm sorry.
Now I'm ready to die.
Two minutes left to kickoff.
Time for my last smoke.
You lazy jive ass!
You're soft, you're slow,
and your hands are for shit.
Who woke you up?
Get on the field and shut up.
You're a prick.
You always were a prick.
Great, great.
Get your ass on the field.
Now.
When he was a prick,
Reno hightower was
the greatest quarterback
in the history of south
Kern County.
0ne more thing, Jack.
You ain't playing in the second half.
You're through.
Damn you. Reno!
H0ME
GUESTS
Whoa, nellie!
He's wearing his white shoes.
My god!
[Crowd chants Reno!]
Unbelievable!
The crowd's going wild.
[Whistle blows]
Let's go!
0n the sidelines,
the late arrival is Jack Dundee.
Right there.
1st down.
I'll kick your butt.
Complete to Luther Jackson
at the Bakersfield 34.
What the hell's happening?
Let's get something moving.
Great catch!
That's what you're supposed to do
when the ball hits you in the hands.
I want some protection
from you lazy bastards.
I'm tired of picking myself
up off the ground.
Play-action pass to Luther.
Bring it on, chum.
Let's go!
Your mama.
Wipe that stupid grin
off your face.
Third quarter Taft 14,
Bakersfield 26.
I've got hot nuts.
You ain't had hot nuts
in fifty years.
What's happening?
7:36 left to play.
Great second half, Ren.
Good thing I'm not in there, huh?
Did you think I'd never
find out who trashed Gigi?
0nly a fool would bring that
tiger's head in the locker room.
I'm a genius at making
a fool of myself.
Always finding new ways to do it.
I got one more for you, Jack.
We get the ball back,
you're in there.
Why me?
Let's go, Bummer!
1st and 10 at the Taft 42.
1:00 left in the game.
Just hold on to the ball.
The ball comes loose!
It's a fumble!
Who's got the ball?
Who's recovered the fumble?
Back off! It's our ball.
Taft recovered the ball
at their own 5 yard line.
Lucky bastard!
Let's go, Jack!
Where?
All right!
Go get them, baby.
0h, shit.
Number 99, Jack Dundee,
is going in for Taft.
Boo!
Get out of bounds.
Anybody screws up, I'll kill you.
Relax.
Reno up to the line.
Dundee flanked to the left.
They let you back in the game?
They've got to be kidding.
Where are your glasses,
Casper the friendly ghost?
You see that?
0h, yeah.
Watch out.
I'm pretty damn fast
for a Caucasian.
Hut!
And he's out of bounds at the 30.
49 seconds left.
I thought I broke your back.
Want some more medicine?
Hut!
Now on the 45.
Carlos down at the 50.
The clock's running.
Taft has one time-out.
Hurry-up offense.
Let's go.
Reno Hightower sacked
for a big loss.
Time-out! Time!
Time-out, Taft.
We got time for one more.
I can get open.
He can't get open.
I can get open.
Come here, Jack.
Half these people came
to watch you catch the ball.
The other half came
to see you drop it.
I was going to throw it to you,
but I want to win.
- I'm calling someone else.
- I can get open.
You drop that again,
your life is over.
Just throw me the ball.
Can you get open?
We are Taft!
We are Taft!
We are Taft!
0lin, this stick is you.
Eddie, you're the bottle cap.
Take care of that maniac
coming from the right side.
Chico, block and flare.
Head for the water bucket
and cut toward the gym.
Jack, give them your best move.
My best move.
You ready?
Ready.
0n 2. Ready? Break!
You're not giving it
to Jack are you?
You think I'm crazy?
At their own 45.
No time-outs left.
Five seconds left on the clock.
This is it, Jack.
Throw it to Jack!
Last play.
Ready!
Death, humiliation, and pain.
You ready for this, Dundee?
Come and get me, sucker.
Set!
[Crowd quiets]
Touchdown!
How are your legs?
My knees are killing me.
They feel great.
God, I love to watch you play.
I did it.
Nice catch.
I was so lucky.
No. No, you were due.
Hey, Jack!
I challenge you
to a rematch next year.
0n astroturf.
Look out!
Damn it.
Let's go home.
How did that clown
ever catch the ball?
Clown?
Did you see that great move?
That's my son-in-law.
Hey, 99!
Nice catch.