1
I still don't see why we
just don't eat the Cheetos?
Because this is like an annual
thing that we do every week
once we get our
allowance. -But I'm hungry.
You ate breakfast.
OK, but I'm still hungry.
We'll get you something later.
Hit the dirt.
Do the honors.
All right, guys. Be still. And no
Cheeto fights this week, all right?
Come on, just dump the bag!
-Just dump the bag, dodo brain.
Beautiful! -Save
some for yourself.
OK, that's it.
Why are you guys
always picking on me?
Everybody get Evan!
All right. They're coming now.
-They won't come if you're not still.
Who farted?
Here they come!
Oh, one of 'em
just pooped on me.
Oh, man!
Oh! Oh, man!
I mean, this could be bad for our
health. I think I'm getting a fever.
Oh, my God!
Aah!
Get 'em off!
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you were in trouble.
So you hosed us? -No,
actually, I was trying to help.
Well, thanks.
I'm so sorry. What on
earth were you doing?
Feeding the birds.
There's not much
to do in Elma. -Oh.
Who are you anyway?
-I'm the new teacher.
No way!
I'm here from England for a
semester on a teaching exchange.
I guess they didn't tell you.
-Nobody tells us anything.
There's two classes. Little
kids... -And big kids.
Oh, I'm teaching the
big kids. -No way!
My name is Anna
Montgomery. I'm from England
and I will be your teacher for
the first half of the school year.
Uh, before you get all sweaty, don't
waste your time with us. We're losers.
You're not losers.
Yeah, we are. You just
don't know us very good.
Didn't anybody tell you?
We had the worst test
scores in the state.
So you all had a bad test day.
Four years in a row
we had bad test days?
Let's all get to know
each other, shall we?
Someone tell me something
that makes you feel special.
Why?
Right. I, uh...
I believe that you're all special
because you live here in America.
And America is a place where you
can be anything you want to be.
I think that was before
Reaganomics, ma'am.
I look out here today and
I see ten special faces.
That'll change once
you get used to us.
Let's think of this a
different way, shall we?
What makes you different from
the kid sitting next to you?
We have asthma!
-That's different.
All right. All
right, guys, um...
What about the rest of you,
huh? What makes you different?
Yes. Tak.
Well, I can burp the whole ABCs.
-Well, that's a skill, isn't it?
OK, all right. -Larry,
your burps stink.
Larry, what makes you special?
My dad has a job. -Yeah, that's
very special for this town.
Yes, I suppose so.
Kate... What about you?
My parents are divorced.
Thanks for bringing it up.
Shut up!
What's that? -First recess!
We've only just got here.
We have another hour.
Hello! Come back!
How many times do I have to tell
you to keep away from my car!
How many times have you
told us today, Deputy Dawg!
Go on, go on. Move it, move
it, move it! Move it, baby!
Come on, come on, off the car.
Out of my way, I got things to do.
Hey, you may think you know
everything, but here's a news flash.
Something radical finally
happened in this town.
Nothing radical ever
happens in this town.
Wrong! -Yeah. We
met our new teacher.
You get a new teacher every year.
-But this one's different, Deputy Dawg.
Really different!
Oh, guys, let's go.
-Bye, Deputy Dawg!
? Well. L"m hopin" and l"m prayin"
and l"m searchin" and l"m lookin"
? A nd I'm deatln'
and I'm thlnmkln'
? That it"s just a matter
of time before you"re a pearl
? And l"m gonna getcha.
My little old girl
Bingo! That's a code red.
Excuse me, ma'am. Deputy
Sheriff Tom Palmer, Lane County.
We got an APB outta Austin.
Bank robbers headed this way.
Driving a Chevy. You seen 'em?
Only car I've seen is
yours, Sheriff Tom Palmer.
You can call me Tom.
You can call me Anna
Montgomery, Sheriff Tom.
Oh, no, you can drop that sheriff
part. -Right. Sorry, can't help you.
Where are you from?
-Surrey, England.
Oh, I'm planning a trip
to England real soon.
Been very interested
in English things.
And I've always been very
interested in America.
Not a whole lot worth
seeing around here.
Of course, there are a few
local points of interest.
Elma Armadillos was at one
time a football powerhouse,
back in the days when I
played. -Like she cares!
Oh, the children are
so cute, aren't they?
See ya, Deputy Dawg!
-Anyways, as I was saying...
This town at one time
was a football dynasty.
There's a billboard off of Main Street,
documents some of the achievements.
You might want to take a look at
it. That's me on the left side.
Of course, big twister last
year took off the top of my head,
but you can still see the resemblance
if you're coming in on Route 49.
Kind of like... But
with... you know. -Uh-huh.
Aren't you worried about those
bank robbers, Sheriff Tom?
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I gotta get on that.
Welcome to America.
"Welcome to America"?
The car kinda acts
funny sometimes. Bye.
Well, I think she likes me.
OK.
Stop it. You're
supposed to read it.
Kate, tell her to
turn this thing on.
My dad wants
gas. -Sorry, Kate.
Brenda, get this
thing going! -Yeah.
What is your problem?
My problem is you owe me too much money
for any more gas to go in this truck.
I'll pay. I don't
have the money now.
What? -I said, I just
don't have it right now!
You won't have it
tomorrow or the next day.
I gotta draw the line, Ed.
-So I'm a little short on cash.
I mean, big deal. Maybe you haven't
heard, but the factory closed.
Yeah, and Darius hasn't
worked a day since.
How dare you act like I don't know
what the plant's closing means.
And how come you're willing to
turn against your own kind, huh?
I mean, people who
are hurting. -Look...
I got my own bills to pay, Ed.
I got my own mouths to feed.
Oh! All my beautiful
stuff. Days of collecting!
Aw, little kids' class
has show-and-tell again?
Right. Kate, would you like
to come and show the class
where Columbus first
landed in the New World?
You mean get up? -Yes.
I don't get up for anybody.
Right.
Excuse me. May I come
in? -Of course. Please.
Miss Montgomery, class.
Class!
I said, class!
Thank you. -You're welcome.
Um, this young man
is Ju-an Morales.
And he's new in our town and
will be joining your class.
Howdy, Ju-an.
Welcome to Elma, Ju-an.
Hello, Ju-an. Gica
Montgomery. -It's Juan.
Juan. You may take a seat.
Don't trip.
-Hey, Ju-an.
Class, let's all make our new
student feel at home, shall we?
Pull up a cot and get a pillow.
We're in the middle of geology.
That's geography, Larry.
-Whatever. Same thing.
Right. Can we all please
focus our attention up here.
Juan, we're learning
world geography.
Can someone please tell me
what's wrong with this globe?
You just broke it.
-Yes, that's true, but
since you all have
absolutely no interest
in learning anything
about anything
I'm talking about,
such as this globe...
Well, why don't we just
try something else with it?
Man, where'd you learn
to do that? -Prison!
Ow! -What?
Well, that's a joke, isn't it?
Um, I learned it in
school in England,
which is another
country far from Texas.
I have another idea. Do
you want to follow me?
Oops!
Whatever.
Here we have it. A
football. -I don't think so.
I think it's Mrs. Curdley's
old kickball, ma'am.
No, no, it's a ball. And if we use it
as a football, it becomes a football.
No, ma'am. Footballs aren't round.
They're more shaped like a lemon.
Oh. Well, that's right. What I call
football, you call soccer, so...
This is a soccer ball.
We don't play soccer.
-Yeah, it's for foreigners.
I'm a foreigner.
-Well, we're American.
And we don't like
soccer. -Let's go outside.
Isn't it time to
go home? -Whatever.
Right, that's the bell. What do you
say we all stay and have a practice?
Let's just stay. -Juan,
where are you going?
We need you. Don't
you want to try?
We don't need him. Let him go.
So let's have a
practice, shall we?
Give it a kick.
Hold up there, youngsters!
Good thing I happen to
be in the area, ma'am.
Cars come whizzing down this
street like there's no tomorrow.
I haven't seen a car pass all
day, Sheriff Tom, except for yours.
Five times! -Just
doing my job, ma'am.
Deputy Dawg's in love!
-Deputy Dawg's in love!
All right. All right.
All right. All right.
All right. Zip it, midgets!
I'm just fooling with you. I'm just
fooling, I never talk like that to you.
Anyway, what you doing?
-We're playing football.
Football? -Yeah.
This ain't football. I know football.
-This is what the world calls football.
All right, guys, let's
all get in a circle.
Let's kick the ball
backwards and forwards.
This is called passing.
Nuh, uh-uh. You should pass
them in the air for the pigskin.
You know, like, "First
and ten, do it again."
It's Troy Aikman right
to Emmitt Smith. Boom!
If you give me a hand,
we'll discuss it. Very good!
I got it! I got it!
Great! You guys are
great. This is so exciting.
Oh, you're showing
such potential.
They are awful.
OK, you guys, I want to talk to
you. That's the end of the day.
Whoa! -Two points, Larry.
All right. You
all tired? Good.
So listen, while you
were all practicing,
I called the school board and
I got us in a league in Austin.
Unfortunately, their
season started last week,
so our first game's
gonna have to be tomorrow.
Tomorrow? As in the day after
today? -That's what we call tomorrow.
In Austin? -That's, like,
a million miles away.
Look, all you have to do
is believe in yourselves.
Why? -Well...
Because we believe in
you. Don't we, Sheriff Tom?
Don't we believe in them? -Yeah,
yeah, of course. Of course we do.
Even if we did decide to go,
how we gonna get there? Walk?
That's a good question. Um...
Sheriff Tom, can you
do me a personal favor?
Name it. -Can you help me
drive the kids to Austin?
Oh... Well...
Yeah, I'd love to.
Can you also do me another
small, personal favor?
Anything, pretty much. -All
right, we're short a player.
Uh... What do you think? -I'd
never pass for a 12-year-old.
I mean, what do you think
about getting us a kid to play?
Well, you know, I... I'm... I got
a lot of things to do, and I...
Well, what do you say, Deputy
Dawg? You gonna help us?
Yes? -Miss Morales?
What do you want? My
kid didn't do anything.
No, course not, course
not. I'm here as a coach.
You see, gice
Montgomery's trying to put
together a soccer team
over at the school.
Juan doesn't play soccer.
-Well, none of the kids do.
But he doesn't like sports.
Well, maybe he'll learn.
It's an after-school thing.
I want him to come
right home after school.
If you'd like to
think about it.
I don't need to think
about it. Thank you.
Ma'am?
I don't think she likes me.
Why? -I explained why.
But if I don't play soccer,
I'll never make friends.
I am your friend.
-You're my mother!
There's no reason to make friends.
We'll only be here a short time.
You'd just be sadder when
we left. Come on, let's eat.
I'm not hungry.
Hey, Newt, what's
up? -Not much.
I found a part of a
tailpipe and an old shoe.
You seen anything good?
Nah. Look, I come here to ask you
to play soccer with the big kids.
See, they're fixing to start a
team, and we're down a player.
Wow! Nobody ever asks me to do
anything. Of course I'll play!
Good. Thing is, we got a game
right now. -Wow! A soccer game?
What's soccer anyway? -Well,
it's kinda like kickball
mixed with that there hockey.
Well, I don't know nothing about
kickball or hockey, but I'm your man.
Oh, Sheriff Tom! -Don't
touch my hat, boy.
This is ground control. Would
you do me a personal favor?
Zip it! And I'm getting upset now! I'll
cut a switch and I'll tan your hides!
What did I do? Why are you
hitting me? -He's hitting me!
And you boys just relax now.
Come on, boys. Settle down!
I swear, I'll deny
it. I'll deny it all.
Are we here to play
soccer? -No, sir!
Why are we here?
-To win soccer, sir!
I can't hear you, let's do it a little
louder. Are we here to play soccer?
No, sir!
Why are we here?
-To win soccer, sir!
All right, you're
killing grass. Let's move!
Let's go, let's
go. Here we go, now!
Pick it up, guys.
Come on! Come on!
We're playing these guys?
-At least we practiced.
All right, bring it over
here. Let's go! Right here.
Hey, is that the
team we're playing?
They don't even look like a team. Hey,
what do you turkeys call yourselves?
Hey, you guys,
what's our name?
We don't have a name.
We'll tell you later!
-They brought a goat!
Look, he just happened
to be in the car, OK?
We didn't bring
him on purpose.
Yeah, right. -I
wanna smell sweat.
Wait a minute. I know him.
K-N-l-G...
Hm. Looks rather tough.
-He was a real blockhead.
Tom, long time no see. -It's
been a few years there, Jay.
Well, va-va-voom! I'm Jay Huffer.
Tom and I grew up together.
That was back when we were
both young and innocent.
Must 've been when he was
a blockhead. -Excuse me?
She's from England, Jay.
There's a language situation.
This is Anna Montgomery. She's
an exchange teacher in Elma.
I got out as soon as I graduated.
Only losers stick around.
Hey, my kid's the leading
scorer. How's your kid doing?
Don't have a kid.
Really? And you're
coaching? Why bother?
Love of the game.
Hey, come on. I thought
we were gonna play now.
Just a second, Newt. Go on back
and we'll be with you in a minute.
The little kid's playing?
That's right, we're mixing up the
sixth, seventh and eighth graders.
Yeah, enrollment's down
since we been there, Jay.
Whoa, wait a minute. You
got girls on the team?
In our league, girls
have their own teams.
Well, we don't have
enough kids for that.
So... you got little
kids and you got girls?
Yes, that's right.
I guess they didn't tell you. We won
the league championships last year.
We, uh... We were undefeated.
It might be different
this year, Jay-Jay.
Come on, Anna.
Well, good luck.
They got little kids
and girls on the team.
This is not soccer.
Gentlemen, this is not soccer.
I hate that creep, and
I can't stand his kids,
even more than I
can't stand our kids.
All right, you midgets. You
better win or you're walking home!
Hi. I'm Larry.
Go on, get it! -Concentrate!
Get it! -Watch
where you're going!
Oh, no!
That's my boy.
That's a Knight!
Flank to the right.
Just suck it in. Suck it in.
-Stay with it. Stay with it.
The Knights! The Knights!
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Pass it!
Don't lay on back, just go in
there and get aggressive with 'em!
Yes! Score!
Whoa!
They're horrible. -That's
the spirit. Keep 'em down!
Knights, that's 8-0!
Men, we're up 10-nothing.
It's moments like these
that build character.
What do we do when we're
clearly superior to the enemy?
Go for the throat? -Exactly.
We show no mercy.
We do not let up.
We go for the kill.
Now, let's take into consideration
that this is a learning experience.
Let's all get back out
there and concentrate,
and let's try and
have a good time.
Hey, we may not be the
sharpest tools in the shed,
but we know the difference
between a good time and a bad time.
And this is not a good time.
That's the right place!
Oh, come on, Larry!
And score!
16-nil! Let's keep it moving.
Come on! Come on! -Get
in there! Tackle 'em!
Darlin', tackle 'em?
This ain't football!
Tackle means get the ball off of him.
-Well, excuse me. Does she know that?
Penalty kick!
Oh, man! Like a straight-arm!
Like old Bubba Smith!
Call me a stud, Jay, but I'll
tell you something, she got him.
Little ol' girl got your
boy. Sorry there, Jay! Whoo!
Maybe I can get into
this. -Way to go, Kate.
Game! That's game!
Let's go, Knights.
Get off me! You'll
never take me alive! Aah!
Everybody in! Hands in. Let's sound
off. Let's tell them who we are.
Two, four, six, eight!
Who did we decimate?
What were their names again?
They're not good enough to
have a name or even uniforms.
They're nothings from
nowhere. -Knights.
Two, four, six, eight. Who did we
decimate? The Nothings! The Nothings!
The Nothings! Yeah!
We're not the Nothings from
Nowhere. We're the Elma Nothings.
Is it over yet?
Do us a favor and
learn the rules!
Well, Tom, we're a
high-scoring team, but 18-nil?
That's good, even for us.
Tommy, a suggestion: Lose
the girls. Even better...
Lose 'em all. Find
yourself some talent.
Of course, I don't know how
you're gonna do that in Elma!
All right, victory
lap! Let's go, Knights!
Good game! That's a Knight.
There we go! There we go!
All right! All right!
All right! Good game!
Come on, what are
you waiting for?
Come on, let's go! Round the field!
Round the field! Round the field!
What a jerk! -Catch
you later, loser!
Come on, Kate. You tried.
-We're all proud of you.
Why? We tanked.
Well, technically
speaking, yeah.
Yeah, but you all played,
and that's what's important.
What's important is
that we never play again.
Can we get out of here?
This is embarrassing.
Yeah, come on, ya'II.
Let's go. -This stinks.
Do you know what I think? I
think after a good night's sleep,
they're all gonna feel
very differently about this.
I wouldn't count on it.
Give me a few minutes
before you start.
I speak their
language. -You got it.
OK, children.
Now you all have experienced
the agony of defeat. Big time.
Whoo! Now, I first started
playing organized sports... Hello.
...when I was about your age
right there at the Big Green.
Now, you see, we weren't very
good, but we never gave up.
There was a day...
-I have a question.
Good, good! Exactly!
Participation, you see, it's a key.
Fire away, big guy.
While you're
here... -Uh-huh.
Who's giving
speeding tickets and
picking up dead animals
off the highways?
I love the children.
First rule: No questions
about anything. Go ahead, Anna.
Come on, you don't fool us. You
don't know jack about soccer.
Now, I may not know
all the rules, but I
do know a thing or two
about kicking a ball.
Check this out,
gice Attitude.
Whoa! -What a kick!
Good show! -Ow. Right.
Wow! Now I see why put
you on the billboard.
Well, thank you kindly.
Listen, if you guys
practice, you know,
maybe the town will give
you a billboard of your own.
Before we could ever be on a
billboard, we'd have to get a name.
Even bad teams have names.
How about the Big Green? You know,
the old sign. That's our field.
That's pretty good.
-That's a good idea.
Hey, good idea, Newt.
So I guess we're the Big Green.
-Yeah, now if only we could play.
Look, nobody plays
well without practice.
Now we've got to
start with the basics.
Now in soccer training, there
are four different areas:
Right. -Fitness, technique,
tactics...
-Uh-huh.
...and game psychology.
-I knew that.
All right, let's all line up.
Boys and girls, right down here.
Everybody, come on. Come
on, Katie, Lou and Sue.
Pardon me, Lou. Sue and Lou. Come
on, go in there, Larry. Excellent.
Ah... Sheriff Tom? You might
want to join them in line.
It looks to me like you've
had one nacho plate too many.
OK, if you wanna
play soccer properly,
you've got to be able to
run for at least an hour.
If I ran for an hour
it'd kill me. -Ditto.
That's right. But we're
gonna work up to that hour.
Now today we're gonna
run for 12 minutes.
You ready? Let's go.
Come on, midgets, get
your butts in gear!
Come on, gice Montgomery's
talking to you.
Deputy Dawg, you owe us.
Come on, Katie,
get up. Come on,
Evan, come on. Tak, get
on. Lou and Sue, everybody.
I wore boots today.
Sheriff Tom's gonna pay for this
one! -Come on! Get going! Keep it up!
Faster! Faster! Faster!
Come on! Come on!
Come on, come on, come on! Faster!
Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!
My feet hurt. -My shins hurt.
So, what do you think?
-We'll never last.
I'll see you guys later.
Hey, you want to
come over my house?
OK. One lesson apiece.
No telling anyone. Ever!
Hold on, everybody!
? On the road again
? Just can"t wait to
get on the road again
? The life I love is
making music with my friends
? And I can"t wait to
get on the road again
? On the road again. Going
places that l"ve never been
? Seeing things that
I may never see again
? And I can"t wait to
get on the road again
? On the road again
? Like a band of gypsies
we go down the highway
We love you, Deputy Dawg!
Kate, I know you can do this.
Come on, I'll probably just end up
being a checker at the Piggly Wiggly.
So what difference
does it make?
You don't fool me, Kate.
I know how smart you are.
And even checkers at Piggly
Wiggly will need math too.
No, they don't. They have those
little black stripes on all the things.
It adds it all automatic.
Look, giving up before
you've ever really
started is a sad way
to live your life.
You keep your
talents hidden and
undiscovered, you'll
only cheat yourself.
Why don't you all worry
about your own work?
Kate's right. Everyone
get back to work.
Whatever.
Hey, two points.
Maybe Juan's got some hidden
talents. -No way. Juan doesn't play.
Yeah, he doesn't look
very athletic anyway.
Like you do?
You gonna play goalie?
-I always play goalie.
Mind if I take a few
shots against you?
Oh, you're gonna play? -Don't
worry, I'm not very athletic.
Get in the goal,
Larry. -What did I do?
As if he could get
it past King Larry!
Yeah! Come on, big boy! Yeah!
Gosh, I'm not feeling
so good about this.
Whoa, we don't look like
that when we get the ball.
Yeah, that's for sure.
You think he's done this before? -I
think he's done this a lot before.
He's awesome! -Too bad
he doesn't have a twin.
He couldn't have a
twin. He isn't human.
He's definitely the answer, you
guys. -What was the question?
How are we gonna win? -Juan!
Hey, he's getting
away. -Wait up!
We need to talk
to you. -Oh, yeah?
Where did you learn to play like that?
-In El Paso. Everybody plays there.
Well, you gotta play
with us here. -No.
Come on, we need
you. You're so good.
Hey, I'm sorry.
-It's all right, man.
So you were holding out on us.
It's just a game. -Not
the way you play it.
Wait till we go to Austin, we're gonna
kick butt all the way to Pizza Hut.
Man, I wish we lived in
a town with a Pizza Hut!
Um, look, I can play at recess,
but I can't play on the team.
What do you mean?
I'm sorry, I can't.
-I don't get it.
It's a family thing.
All right, excitement's over.
Everyone take their seats.
Please!
I don't want Juan going
into the city by himself.
He doesn't go by
himself. We all go.
Yeah. -Yeah.
He'd probably do better without us,
Mrs. Morales, but it's a team sport.
Austin's really not that far.
You could come. My
mom's gonna go this time.
Oh, I can't. I
work during the day.
We can take care of
him, ma'am. We promise.
Yeah! Please! Please!
Control the ball now! Control!
You think they look athletic?
No, I think you look
athletic, Larry. -Really? Cool.
My Aunt Burr used to say,
"Anything you need in life
can probably be made with
masking tape and spit."
What are we making?
-Shin guards.
Oh!
Let's go, Terminators! -OK,
here we go, Terminators!
Ready, dude.
Come on, shoot it,
Tak! -You're wide open!
Shoot it now!
God! What's wrong with
you? You were wide open!
Come on, now, let's
hustle! Come on!
All right, we'll be back. Come
on. -Let's stay with it, guys!
Get the big one!
Get on the big one!
Terminators!
Here we come!
Hey, Larry! Larry, Larry.
Are you OK? -Can I
tell you a secret?
Well, sure.
When I get afraid...
I mean really afraid,
the players on the other team,
they change into these bad guys.
I mean, they really
change into these bad guys.
You're a pretty complicated guy,
Larry. Um... catch you later, big guy.
Come on in! All right. Polly, you
did great. Good going, Polly. Come on.
No one's passing to me.
-You'd just lose the ball.
Too many are passing it to me.
All right, now quiet down.
Quiet down. Quiet
down and listen to me!
Why should we listen to you?
- 'Cause I'm your coach.
No, you're just here 'cause
you're after our coach.
Yeah!
I'm here, midgets, and
that should be enough.
Well, it's not enough.
-Well, it is enough.
I'll tell you what, 'cause
I'm an adult, all right!
All right, guys! Hey,
this is wrong, all right.
We're not to fight each other,
whether it's on the field or off.
All right? This is not what we talked
about when we spoke of teamwork.
Stop calling them
midgets. -Yeah!
Now, listen to me. Juan
can't do everything.
You gotta pass to each other.
Right?
He's the only one
who's any good.
But playing like a team right now
is more important than winning.
And once we have more skills, that's
the only way you guys could ever win.
Exactly, right? So you
gotta support each other. OK?
Now look, look. Come
over here. Come here.
Let's say... gather around...
this is the field, right?
And Juan is right here. Now, if
they've got three defenders on Juan,
that means... -Two of
you guys are wide open.
Right. Take advantage of this, all
right? They're not expecting it.
Let's make a go of it, a game
of it. You see what I'm saying?
All right? -Yeah.
Kate! Kate!
Shoot it!
You scored! -I did it?
You scored! -I did
it! I did it! I did it!
I scored a goal! Yay!
I knew you could
do it! Whoo! -Whoo!
That's one. -Ah,
that was brilliant!
You're late.
We stopped at a Pizza
Hut after the game.
I scored a goal.
-Did you win?
No.
Next time we'll win.
Good. You guys are doing
good! -Looking good! Pass it!
Hey, you know, they're
getting better. -Yeah.
Hey, it's starting to rain.
Hey, Larry, come on in!
Hey, come on,
kids. Come on in!
Come on! It's raining! -Raining!
That's it for today! Time-out.
It's not over for us!
Come on! Come on in! -Come
on, Larry. Give us the ball!
No! You want it? Come
and get it! -Yeah!
Larry, give us the ball!
-Larry, gimme the ball, boy.
Let's make them
work to get the ball!
We better help 'em out. Those kids
are never gonna give up the ball.
I'm playing soccer!
-Let's play soccer!
? When the rain comes pouring
down and it just don"t seem to stop
? Remember good things fall from
heaven. It ain"t no time for giving up
Polly, come on,
you crazy girl!
Come on!
Yeah!
Lord have mercy! -We're
playing mud soccer!
Stop! I need help!
Thank you, God.
It's the same thing, isn't
it? Here and here and here.
It sure
is. -Uh-huh.
You see how that
works? -Yeah.
You look nice. Your
hair looks nice.
Thank you. -You're welcome.
All right, you guys. We
gotta mow the Big Green.
This is degrading.
Come on, guys. Am I the only
one doing anything here? Wimps.
It's heavy!
Count of three.
-One, two, three!
It won't slow down! It
won't slow down at all!
Oh, no!
Oh, no! Runaway cows!
The low-tech solution. -Cool.
We don't have to do anything.
It worked! This is awesome!
The cows actually worked.
Hey, look. Here comes Larry.
-This is rad! You are awesome!
Aah!
Gosh.
You're dead! -Oh, no!
That's great. Is that for
Sue or Lou? -I don't know.
Thank you!
Keep your eyes open and
keep your mouth closed.
Come on there, Polly!
That's it, good, Katie.
Nice! Very nice. Go on, Juan.
Good. Good pace. Keep it up.
Gently, gently.
Ninjas!
Corner kick, Big Green.
Score!
Juan!
Juan!
Good! Good! Good!
That's a hustle!
The walking dead.
Buccaneers!
Take it, Sue!
Vikings.
We're gonna come and
get you, little porker!
Goal! -Congratulations,
Coach. That's one.
Here she comes!
Surprise!
Hey, we figured out
what makes us special.
Well, I can see that. -It's not
all the stuff we put up, ma'am.
It's you. -Yeah.
Thank you.
What's this? St. Patrick's
Day? -Nah. It's Big Green Day.
Every day is Big Green Day
lately. -You got that right.
The championship game
is Saturday. -Oh, God.
Well, if it isn't Jay
Huffer! -In from the big city.
A mini-mall's a big city compared to
this place. Double scotch, straight up.
Things are that good,
huh? -One of those days.
Eh... What are you doing
for a living nowadays, Jay?
Auditor. IRS.
Ugh! -I love my work.
Ugh!
So I see you somehow managed to get
yourselves a good soccer team, huh?
They're just a bunch of
kids. -Hey, they're winners.
We kinda got out of the habit
of winning, but it feels good.
It's hard to believe
that Mexican kid's a star.
Who, Juan? He's incredible.
Kate's damn good too.
You oughta come out and watch
her. -I got better things to do.
Just my luck somebody'd move
here who knew how to play, huh?
Well, things would be a lot better
if people would just stay put.
Probably not even legal.
I doubt it. Most foreigners
aren't. -I hear you.
Say, Ed...
Let me buy you that
next drink, huh?
Judy said you wanted to
see me, sir? -Yeah, Tom.
I hope I'm not taking you
away from your soccer duties.
I have some real sheriff work for you
to do. Got a call on some illegals.
Morales? This kid's on my team.
-Good. Then you know where to find him.
Mom, just tell him.
I've been in the United
States for 14 years.
Juan was born in El
Paso. He's a citizen.
They had amnesty about eight
years ago, but I did not apply.
I'd gone back to El
Salvador to see my parents.
You were supposed to have stayed
in this country the whole time.
Do the people you work
for know you're illegal?
I bought a fake Social Security
card in San Antonio five years ago.
I pay taxes and Social
Security under that name.
I have an American
son, but I can be
deported, sent back,
just like that, OK?
What's he doing here?
Hey, what's up?
Oh!
But are you sure?
Yes, she was very upset.
Let's go over there.
No, no. Look, school starts
in five minutes, all right?
When Juan gets here, we'll
make sure everything's OK.
Everything's not OK. That's
what I'm trying to tell you!
Kate, you're overreacting.
Now, go and sit down.
You're wrong. You'll see.
I'm going to
Juan's house. -Wait!
We're not supposed
to leave school.
Hey, wait up! I'm
going too! -Me too!
Come on, guys, we're
late for his house!
Wait for us! -Come on, you
guys, do we have to run?
They're gone! -Darn! We just
lost our center halfback!
Come on, Nick. He was our
friend. -Great. We're busted.
We shouldn't have left school.
Why did you leave school?
What are you guys doing here?
They're gone! We can see
inside. All their stuff is gone!
She panicked. -I told
you! It's all your fault.
I saw you here.
You did it! -Kate!
Kate! -Kate!
Kate, it'll be OK!
Kate!
Kate, come on! We need you!
What are you doing
home? -They're gone.
She left three years
ago. Or didn't you notice?
Not Mom. Juan.
What? That Mexi kid?
Don't call him that! Don't
you ever call him that!
Honey, I didn't mean anything
by that. -Yeah, you do.
What the hell's
gotten into you?
Soon as I'm old
enough, I'm out of here.
Nobody in their right
mind would stay here!
Now you hold on
just a damn minute.
Don't worry. You
won't know I'm gone.
You don't even know
I'm here right now!
Honey, come back!
Come back here!
I've been looking for you. -Small
town. Not a lot of places to look.
Well, I've found quite a few.
You know, Tom had no idea
they were gonna leave.
Actually, he was
trying to help.
I think a lot of people would've
tried to help, but they got scared.
They didn't even say goodbye.
I know. I'm sorry.
That's how you know
they're not coming back.
People only say goodbye when
they plan on saying hello again.
It's a rule.
The other kids don't know if
they want to play tomorrow.
They're thinking maybe
we should forfeit.
What do you think?
-What do I think?
I think that Juan would want you
to do well in school and in soccer.
He wouldn't want me to do
well. He'd want me to win.
One, two. One, two. One, two.
Victory. Yes.
Join, my fellow rabbit
skins. I need a victory.
H-E-L-L-O. That's the
way we say hello. Hello.
Go, Big Green!
What could it
be? -New uniforms!
We all pitched in.
These are good. There we go.
It's got your name and
everything. Kate, look at that.
Here, put it on.
What are you all staring
at? Come on, let's get going.
We gotta have time to warm up.
I think I'll stay here a while. -It's
the same ball we use at home, son.
I don't think so. Here they kick
a cannonball straight at my head.
Get out!
Whoo!
We look like a bunch of hicks.
Well, I hate to break it to you,
babe. We are a bunch of hicks.
Come on, guys, keep
it up. Let's go!
Mr. Huffer.
-Where's the coach?
I'm the coach. -I
mean, uh, Palmer.
Oh, him. He'll be
here in a minute.
And where is your star player?
Oh, now, now. They're all star
players. -We'll see about that.
Say, you know we have a
little tradition down here
among the coaches.
Before the final game,
we always make a little wager.
-Really? What are we betting?
Well, now I couldn't take
your money from you, but...
You know I'm divorced.
I wouldn't say no to a kiss.
Deal. But if you lose, you
have to kiss our mascot, Ernie.
He's that lovely little
green goat over there. Mm-hm.
He's divorced too. -Deal.
We better not lose.
You call this ready to play? I
don't call this ready to play!
Where is he? -I don't know.
He should be here any minute.
-Coach, we need to begin.
Can you give us another five minutes?
We're just sort of waiting for...
Now, Coach. Or we
have to call the game.
Well, I guess we have no
other choice. All right.
OK, guys. Come in! -Come
on, let's go! Come on, Larry!
All right, listen, guys. They
won't let us wait any longer.
So if you guys play together,
and you all play as a real team,
we can beat them, all right?
OK. Come on, you guys, let's go.
-One, two, three! Go, Big Green!
Get on out there and
kick some... butt!
Good afternoon, everyone. Welcome
to the Junior Soccer Championships.
Today"s match-up features the Knights
of Austin against Elma Big Green.
The Knights are coached by Jay
Huffer and the Elma Big Green
are co-coached by Anna
Montgomery and Tom Ralmer.
The Austin Knights
are undefeated.
And The Big Green have
a season record of...
We can hear something
after them now!
Let's see you on your
feet for the Knights!
And here we go for the
start of the championship.
The Big Green will
take the kick - off.
Nick Anderssen kicks
off to Rolly Nelson.
Go, go! Take it all the way!
Let's go. Show them!
Oh, bad luck! That's
OK, that's all right.
Ball collected by Knights"
goalie Chris Stoia.
All right, come on! Let's go!
-Get in there and top them!
Yeah! Yeah!
Excellent save by Elma
goalie Larry Musgrove.
That's a goal! Score! Goal!
It"s 2-0 in Austin. Another
put-in by number 2. Shannon Rinn.
It"s 2-0 in favor
of the Knights.
All right, good. Pass it!
Hey. -Hey, look
who showed up.
Yeah, yeah! Go!
Go! -All right!
How are we doing?
-Down by two.
It's good to see you, Ed.
I'm glad you
made it. -Thanks.
Come on, Kate!
Let's go, Kate! Come
on, let's go, Big Green!
And as we head to half, the score
is 2-0, in favor of the Knights.
OK, gentlemen, half time.
We're halfway through the
game we've been building for.
We're halfway there. We're
not all the way there.
The time to gloat is
soon upon the horizon.
I look at the scoreboard and I see
a score that tells me 2-nothing.
We're not there yet. This may be the
most important game you'll ever play.
It certainly is the most
important moment of your lives,
and I want you all to
remember one important thing.
Don't mess it up.
What've you got? -Goat!
What've you got? -Goat!
What are we? -Goats!
So what do you say to a goat?
Barbecue! Barbecue!
Everyone OK? -Yeah.
All right. Tom's gonna
be here any minute.
If he's not here in
a minute, why bother?
You guys are doing
great. Trust me.
2-0? -Better
than 17-0.
Hey, I'm having fun.
-That's all that matters.
All right, guys, half
time's over. Let's go.
Come on, let's go, Big Green!
-One, two, three, go Big Green!
And here we go with the
start of the second half.
The Knights" Shannon Rinn
will take the kick - off.
Goal kick, Big Green.
Watch out, Larry! Watch
him over there! Come on!
Control that ball!
There we are! There we are!
Come on, y'all.
Let's do it again!
Call a foul!
Number 14. Tak Yamato. Collides
with number 8. Buddy Abbey.
This could be a foul.
Ten minutes till curtains.
Maybe, but you're a whole
lifetime away from having a brain.
It looks like we
have an injury.
All right, come
on, clear, clear.
Hey, give me some room here, come
on, come on. The boy needs to breathe.
Which leg is it, huh?
Broken? Broken? -No,
I don't think so.
No? No. All right.
I hope he's all right.
I'm sure he's all right.
Cookie! -Hey, hey.
Look who's here!
He found him!
Oh, my gosh! Brenda,
he's here! -He's here!
Juan! Juan!
And it seems we
have a late arrival.
Number 10. listed on the
roster as Juan Morales.
Kate, I came back to beat these
guys! -You didn't say goodbye.
Don't be mad. I wanted to. -Well,
next time you go, say goodbye.
Next time I go, I'll
just take you with me.
Juan!
Hey, found 'em
outside Garretville.
It looked like a
good place to hide,
but he's already got a better
plan... -Already got them a lawyer.
Tom's gonna be my sponsor.
Well, I figure if I'm gonna be
living in a little town like Elma,
I gotta get good
people there with me.
What's that, huh? What's that?
Come on, come on, delay of game!
Come on, call it!
-Take it easy, Coach.
Hey, listen, what am
I? Card 'em! Card 'em!
They shouldn't be on
the field like that!
Coach, are those your
assistants back there?
Yeah.
You might wanna tell one
of them to start warming up.
Am I the luckiest man
in the world, or what?
Just when I need a decent
ref, I get a comedian.
A comedian! Well, thank you.
Whoever did that
for me, thank you.
Oh, man, what a
day. What a day.
Oh, so you made it, Coach.
Yeah, I had to pick up the
last member of my team, Jay.
I thought everybody qualified
to be here was already here.
Everyone qualifies. And
so do their families.
Hey... Now we got
ourselves a real game.
Ugh. Has anyone
seen my mother?
The Knights" number 8. Buddy
Abbey. Is OK. Rlay will resume.
And it looks like we have a
substitution for the Big Green.
Replacing number 11. Jeffrey Luttrell.
Will be number 10. Juan Morales.
Ball knocked out by the Big
Green. Knights" throw in.
Kicked out by goalie Stoia. And a
magnificent header by Juan Morales.
Control it!
Rossession changes. Superb play
by Big Green number 85. Newt Shaw.
Pick your man!
Morales to Kate Douglas. She passes
back. They"re going in to the net.
Nick Anderssen now has the
ball. He takes a shot. Goal!
It"s now Knights 2. Big Green 1.
With only minutes left in the game.
Come on, where are my
Knights? Where's the defense?
Knights take the kick - off.
We"re in the final minute of play.
Big tackle from Juan Morales.
Big Green now has the ball.
We have just ten seconds
left in this game!
Juan Morales is going
for the goal with
only five seconds
remaining in the game!
He shoots. Goal! Goal!
With three seconds left on the clock.
Juan Morales scored the tying shot!
You guessed it! We have a tie!
The Big Green battles back!
Ladies and gentlemen. Don"t go
anywhere. This game is not over!
The Big Green is going nuts!
The Knights are stunned!
It is a tie! Big
Green 2. Knights 2.
You all rock! What a game!
Regulation game has ended in a tie.
There's not gonna be any overtime.
We're gonna go straight
to penalty kicks.
OK, what we got here is
called a shoot-out, all right?
Five members from each team
are gonna run on to the field,
each one's gonna take a
shot against the goalie.
So Juan'll kick five times? -No,
each player can only kick once.
Right. But Juan,
you're going first.
Mm-hm. -Go
get 'em.
Then Kate. -OK.
Then, uh... Nick. -All right.
Then Sophia.
-Mm-hm.
Uh-huh.
OK, I need a volunteer
for the last position.
I'll do it.
I don't think so, Newt.
-Why? I got a great kick.
And I'm not afraid.
What do you
think? -I'm little.
I'm low to the ground. I
got power. I got the moves.
I'm your man.
You got the job, big guy. -All
right, you guys are the greatest!
Time-out.
Time-out.
Now that we know who's kicking,
who's gonna play goalie? I'm not!
You guys know about my problem.
They turn into monsters.
Larry, listen...
If you see them and
they become monsters,
just become part of the
nightmare and join in.
Turn yourself into a
monster and fight back.
I'll try. -All right.
You can do it, son!
Now you all played a great
game. If you do miss your shots,
you run back to that center circle
with your heads held high, got it?
Got it! Let's go!
Are you all proud
of yourselves? -Yeah!
Good! We're proud
of you. -All right!
Come on! -Let's go.
One, two, three!
Go, Big Green!
Larry, want my goggles?
They get rid of fear.
I'll try anything.
Knights, OK.
And the Knights win the
toss and elect to go first.
First up for the Knights,
number 7, Robert Bishop.
Come on, Larry, come on. Buddy,
hang in there! Hang in there!
And it"s good. The score is
1-0 in favor of the Knights!
What a shoot-out.
-It's all right, Larry.
Up next, number
10, Juan Morales.
He scored the equalizer.
Can he do it again?
He does! The score is tied.
One round. 1-1!
The second kicker for the
Knights is number 2. Shannon Rinn.
It"s in. It"s in there!
The Knights now lead 2-1.
Darn!
Up for the Big Green.
Number 13. Kate Douglas.
Come on, let's
go, Kate! Let's go!
It"s good! It"s in! The score is
now tied. Knights 2. Big Green 2.
Up next for the Knights.
Anthony Atkinson.
That's it, it's in!
3-2 for the Knights!
Up next for the Big Green.
Number 9. Sophia Convertino.
Come on, Sophie.
It"s good! What a crazy game!
We"re still tied here in Austin!
There are only two
kickers left for each side.
She did it! That's
it! She scored!
The fourth kicker is up for the
Knights. Number 8. Buddy Abbey.
Come on, Larry. Come on.
He blocked it! No goal!
Goalkeeper Larry Musgrove sets
up a huge opportunity for victory.
You did it! You did it! Yeah!
Yes! Yeah!
Come on, Nick!
Here comes number
8. Nick Anderssen.
It"s over the top! No good! Again.
This keeps the score tied at 3 apiece.
Oh!
I blew it!
I'm sorry.
-It's OK. You tried.
I'm sorry, guys.
It's OK, Nick. -All right.
That's Jay Jr. He's our favorite
player in the world. He's my son.
So it all comes down to this. '
Each team has only one kicker left.
Ror the Knights. This
will be Jay Huffer. Jr.
The Big Green will follow
with little Newt Shaw.
Team captain. Number
10. Jay Huffer.
The leading scorer
this year in the league.
Has the final opportunity
to score for the Knights.
Become part of the nightmare. Turn
yourself into a monster and fight back.
Come on, Larry.
What's the matter? Come
on, focus! You're a Knight!
Come and get me!
There seems to
be some confusion.
There"s hesitation on
Jay Huffer Jr."s part.
Come on, big guy. Come on.
But he finally
signals he"s ready.
It"s a save! It"s a save!
What a huge opportunity for the
Big Green! Yes. It"s still tied up.
3-3 and the Big Green
has one kicker left!
All right!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
All right, guys! -No
monsters, Larry! Yeah!
Here we have the fifth and
final kicker for the Big Green.
Number 85. little Newt Shaw.
This is for the championship!
If he makes the kick.
The Big Green wins.
Come on, Newt!
It"s in! He did it! He
scored! That"s the game!
The Big Green have won the
championship! I don"t believe it!
The Big Green have won! The
Knights don"t believe it!
The Big Green have won!
Yes! Yeah!
I scored!
I love you, Kate.
-I love you too.
Go, Big Green! Go, Big
Green! Go, Big Green!
Go, Big Green! Go, Big
Green! Go, Big Green!
Go, Big Green! Go, Big Green!
Go, Big Green! Go, Big
Green! Go, Big Green!
You were great!
I believe we had a deal, Jay.
Kiss the goat.
Kiss the goat! Kiss the goat!
Thank you.