- Got a present for you.|- Who is it?
- Sammy.|- Sammy the Bull?
Sammy the Knife. I diced him up.
Did you clean him? Ah, man!
You're coming back for this weekend?|All right. Good luck.
Damn, Vince. Cheap, leaky bags! Shit!
Shit!
You've looked better, Sammy.
Hey, baby, how you doing?
- Can I ask an important question?|- Sure.
Where directly the fuck|have you been all week?
Working.
Looks like your ass is still working.
I'm doing a favor for Vince.|He got that thing this weekend.
Melvin, you're doing|this shit for free!
You have a mortgage to pay|and my car note!
Did you see these notices?|Will you look at this shit?
Take care of your responsibilities|instead of doing favors for coworkers!
You're down at least 25 grand.
- Twenty-five grand?|- Yeah, baby!
- How did that happen?|- That's considering the mortgage.
The note on my Jag.
And all the other expenses.
He's kinda cute. Who is that?
That's Sammy the Knife,|one of Costanzo's crew.
That shit turns me off.
Vince is gonna be here on Saturday|to pick him up so I'm leaving him here.
- Are you going out this weekend?|- Maybe.
- Where's your fiancee?|- All right. Shit!
- You trying to clown me?|- I'm serious, dog. I've seen the light.
Check out the six-pack!|Looking kinda diesel, kid.
I get my workout swerve|on six days a week.
You telling me you never jerked|your dick in your life until last week?
That's bullshit, man.
I never needed to.
I've been fucking since I was ten.
I can relate to that.
- Cisco!|- Cisco, yo.
I can't wear green. Clashes with|my eyes. Look good on you, though.
Bust a move, man.|We're gonna be late.
- Shit. Yo, Vinnie, you hear the news?|- What's that?
This fool claim he don't bone females|since he discovered wringing his rag.
- Is that true?|- No doubt. It's lower maintenance.
Mel is /ike me. He loves to bump bag.
He's got fwo of fhe sweefest-
If anybody needs to make a switch|to straight jacking, it's Mel.
Both of them chickenheads|is takin' my man to the cleaners.
Especially Chantel.
The way I see it, with the loot I saved|and the money I'll clock this weekend...
I should be able to put the final|payment down on that Grande Pinoche.
Sail that baby around the world!|Can you imagine that?
Damn Caribbean. Mediterranean.
South Seas.
Sounds great.
You need to get in on that weekend job|with me, Crunch and Gump.
- We could use a fourth.|- I got that thing this weekend.
Oh, well.|All right, gentlemen, synchronize.
- You know the drill, baby.|- Word is bond.
As agreed.|Three blondes under 20.
Midwestern. No tattoos.
- How much?|- Fifty thousand apiece.
Fifty thousand?
Fuck them.
Get ready in five, four...
three, two, one.
Shit!
All right, all right.
In five, four...
three-
Ah, go, go!
- It's getting thick here! I need backup!|- We gof incoming.
We'll hold 'em back for you, man!
They're backing off.
With the bonus from today's hit, and|the chips from this weekend's caper...
I should be able to take|about a year off.
This is a bonus hit?
Without a doubt. Twenty-five large|to whoever clip the big man.
- Nondairy creamer?|- Yeah.
- What happened?|- Get off!
Go, go!
Are you ladies okay?
I'm really sorry about the mess.
- Time to get paid.|- Yes, sir.
- Take a piece of this!|- That's what we talkin' about!
Yeah, man!
We fucked 'em up!
You're so fine.
I wanna pour milk on you and make you|part of my complete breakfast!
- Baby, you got a number for me?|- 911!
Come on, fellas, we gotta go!|Quit wasting your time.
We better find Mel|before he gets my bonus.
- Damn lesbians.|- Come on.
Cisco, where the fuck you at?|I need backup!
We'll hold 'em back for you, baby.
- I'm outta here!|- Protect me, I'm paying you double!
I can't spend it if I'm dead!
Bastard.
Shit! Cisco, Vince, Crunch,|we gotta get outta here now!
Good work, good work, good work.
Okay, Mel!
Looks like you owe me $25,000|in cash advances.
Your commission|should take care of that.
But the good news is,|here's your bonus.
Thank you, sir.
- Mel got the bonus?|- What?
Yo, yo, yo. Vince,|that guy was still alive, huh?
Extremely alive.
Shit!
- I'm the one who clipped him.|- I don't think so. He was dead.
Okay. Sure, whatever you say.
I'm wrong and you're right.|I'm lying.
I'm just trying to beat you|out of your hard-earned bonus, pal.
My kill, my bonus.
If you say you're the one|who clipped him...
who am I to say you didn't...
old friend?
You're an honest man, Mel.
Don't think I don't appreciate|that shit, baby.
I'll tell you what. To show you|how much love I gots for you...
if anything were to...
you know, happen to me...
you could take my boat.
- How'd that be? Is that love or what?|- I guess.
You getting lonely, baby?
Ah, yes, Daddy loves both of you.
That motherfucker.|Shit!
What?
Mel, you sure you don't wanna get in on|this caper we got planned for tomorrow?
That's like moonlighting.|Paris will kill us for that shit.
You're too honest|for your own good, baby.
Wrong house again, asshole!
Sorry.
Hello?
- Melvin Smiley, please.|- This is he.
Mr. Smiley, Big Top Video.
You've had our copy of "King Kong Lives"|for over two weeks.
Return it immediately|or we will have you killed!
Yeah.
Hon, how you doin'?
- Fine. Seen my "King Kong Lives" tape?|- No, haven't seen it.
Mel, do you think my ass|is still perky?
- As a matter of fact-|- Go ahead, just give it a squeeze.
Let me know what you think.
Is it still perky?
- Is it firm, yet pliable?|- Like a teenager.
- Is this turning you on?|- Like a light switch.
- You know what I think we should do?|- What do you think we should do?
Invite Mom and Dad down|for the holiday weekend.
Actually, they're already coming down.|They're gonna be here tomorrow.
I figured we'd all|have dinner together.
I think this is gonna be|a great opportunity...
for you and my parents to bond.
I also think that this will be the|right time to tell them we're engaged.
- You haven't told them yet?|- I've been waiting for the right time.
You've got to break things gently|to my parents.
What do you mean? It was almost a year|before you told them I wasn't Jewish.
Technically, they don't know|you're not Jewish.
Honey, it's gonna be fine.
I fixed things between us|just yesterday.
They are gonna love you...
just as soon as they get over|the whole goyim factor.
What makes you think|they're gonna love me?
Remember when I told you Dad's business|was in trouble with the I.R.S.?
Yeah, so?
He was unable to get a loan|because of Mom's gambling...
and her plastic surgery|and everything, right?
Are you still having problems|with your stomach?
I told you about that spicy food.
Anyway, I took the $50,000 we had in|our savings account and lent it to Dad.
With as much money as we make, we'll|be fine until they get on their feet.
I can't believe that this guy...
will give you 25 grand more.
We've already got 50,000|out of this clown.
He thinks I'm paying my bills off.
What? You're not paying your bills?
Hell no! Why should I?
Let his fucking fiancee pay 'em off.
Honey?
- Are you awake?|- Yeah.
Melvin, I'm really starting|to dislike you.
I didn't find my money!
You all right, babe?
Yeah.
Hello? Cisco, what's up, man?
Mel, what's up, kid?
That thing you got goin' for tomorrow?|Can I still get in?
Yo, Gump...
I don't want no fuckups|on this kidnapping.
Come on. I ain't like that no more!|You know I gots my shit-
Together. You gots your shit together.
You non-word-remembering|motherfucker.
Cisco, I don't know about|no kidnapping shit.
- A hundred large apiece.|- A hundred?
Word up.|Here's the deal.
There's this rich Japanese industrialist|named Jiro Nishi.
- Nishi Electric?|- The one and only, baby.
- Richest motherfucker on the seaboard.|- How do you know he's gonna pay?
You're starting to sound like a bitch.|"How do you know he's gonna pay?"
I gots this shit covered.
That motherfucker Nishi's got millions|in cash laying around his crib.
This motherfucker's loaded!
It was a legitimate question.
Thaf's it, Mr. Nishi.|You are officia/ly broke.
Everything. How could this|have happened?
You knew the market was bearish.|It was risky making that movie.
All my life, I wanted to make|a big Hollywood movie!
I understand. "Taste The Golden Spray"|was a big movie, a huge movie.
Actually, it was|the biggest movie ever made.
Maybe you shouldn't have directed|and starred in it.
I'm not the first person|to make big movie.
I know. But gold leaf posters|for everybody? That was excessive.
I need to pick up my daughter|at college.
And?
I can't afford to pay the driver.
For crying out loud!|How much is it gonna cost?
It's a stretch limo.
Stretch this.
Fuck ass no!|Hell no!
No advances. I've got my chips|wrapped up in the Grande Pinoche.
Ask Crunch. He's got spare loot.
He don't spend it on shit|except maybe some smut.
Can you hook me with 25 g's|until we do this?
You need it for that|sell-out bitch again, don't you?
- Who's a bitch?|- Get the fuck outta here.
Get with the program.
Straight jackin' saves you|that mad cream.
Oh, well.
Give me a call at the crib later.|I'll hook you up.
Good looking out, man.
I don't know why I'm encouraging you.|Fuck both them bitches.
If they're running you through|that much shit, dump both their asses.
- Where the hell is that limo?|- I can't, man.
- What do you mean, you can't?|- I just can't. Okay?
How the fuck come|you can't dump these two...
whack-ass, money-grubbing,|no-respect-giving bitches?
- The truth?|- Yeah, I want the truth.
You can't handle truth!
Shut the fuck up!
The truth is I can't stand the idea|of them not liking me anymore.
The idea of those two women|not liking me is more than I can stand.
I can't stand the idea|of anybody not liking me. Okay?
There, I said it.|The truth. That's the truth.
- Yo, Mel?|- What?
The hundred or so people you murdered|in the past five years...
more than likely have relatives|who don't think too highly of you.
- Hello?|- Hey, baby.
- What's up, girl?|- You know why I called, don'f you?
I don't know.|Why did you call me?
Because, Melvin,|I'm getfing sick of your ass!
- Why do you always procrasfinate?|- Stand up to her, Mel.
Melvin, why are you|always lying to me-
Car trouble?
Puf thaf damn phone fo your ear.
Mel, show her you're the man.
Whaf are you doing?|Playing wifh your friends?
You are pafhefic.
Bye!
Yeah, of course,|you know I love you.
All right. We'll hook up later.|Anything you want, sweetie.
Here you go.
- This is the girl?|- No, it's your mammy.
Maria's having a party tonight.
Bye, guys.
Are you gonna go?|I'll meet you there. See you tonight.
Bye.
Lance! You're so nasty.
A much deserved and hard-won reputation.|Am I still riding with you?
- Don't push my hand away.|- Stop!
What's your problem?|You're an ice queen today.
- Stop!|- Good afternoon, Miss Nishi.
Hi. Who are you?|Where's Aaron?
He couldn't make it today. He's sick.|Is this yours?
Yeah.
See ya.
Sir, I think it would better if you|could get a ride from somebody else.
Bro, don't worry about me.
Drive the car.|That's what you're paid to do.
And don't forget my suitcase.
Careful with that case, bro!|There's fragile crystal in there.
You break it,|you'll be back driving cabs.
Sorry about that, sir.
- Bro?|- Yes, sir?
- A little privacy!|- Yes, sir. Sorry about that.
Domestics!
Lance!
Lance, no. No. Come on.
Yeah, right!|No means yes.
- Come on, baby, you know you want it.|- Stop!
Get off me!
Fucky-sucky. Me love you long time!
Get off me!
Stop it!
What's up with that, bro?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
He's gonna take his hand off your mouth.|Don't scream or he's gonna shoot you.
I'll blow your...
motherfucking-
I think she gets the point.
Professor.
I'm really sorry about your boyfriend.|He was being kinda rude.
Do you mind?
This is a kidnapping, right?
- Right.|- So what's up with you guys?
You supposed to be the Spice Boys?
You need to chill|with that being witty shit.
Professor, put the cuffs on her.
Skipper, Professor, take care|of that mess in the backseat.
You must be the millionaire.
Pretty soon.
- Read this.|- "Father-"
"Father, I have been abduct.|I am fine. "
Abducted.
- It says "abduct. "|- Just say abducted.
"I have been abducted. I am fine now,|but I may not be for loring.
If you do not pay the sun|of one million doolers-"
- "Loring"? "Sun of one million doolers"?|- That's what it says.
That's "long" and the "sum"|of one million "dollars. "
- You know what it means.|- You told me to read this.
- That's what I'm doing.|- Say what it means.
Be careful with that one.|That's Lance's crystal. It's fragile.
"I may not be for long. If you do not|pay the sum of one million dollars...
you will never see me alive again|as these men mean businesses. "
Who wrote this?
- Crunch!|- What?
I think he's pissed about the note.
It says "businesses. "
You told me to read the note.|You never said to improv it.
Improv! Are you Meryl-fucking-Streep?|Okay, improv the note.
These sexually frustrated|degenerate losers mean business.
Don't, don't improv.|Don't improv the note.
Gump, give me a fucking pen!
Read.
"Dad, been kidnapped.|Send one million or I'm dead. "
Perfect.
Yo, Mel, my player,|here go the scenario.
Since Chantel is cool, take homegirl|and store her at your place.
- Why my place?|- 'Cause.
- 'Cause why?|- 'Cause!
'Cause that's the best plan right now.|Just do what I say.
- What about the limo?|- You want me to drive that, too?
I got the limo, the girl,|all kind of shit.
What's your name, kid?
Shut up. Don't fuck this up.|I got to get home and jerk off.
- Can you-|- Drive! Yes, I can fucking drive.
- Hi, honey!|- Hiya, Mom!
Look at you!
Hiya, Dad. How are ya?
How was your train ride?
The train ride was fine. It's the|cab ride over I could've lived without.
This Turkish idiot who barely spoke|one word of English...
drops us off at that schmuck|next door's house.
And the bastard, could you believe this,|he starts cursing at us!
- I need a drink.|- No!
- Ma?|- Yeah?
I'm not criticizing you|or anything like that, okay?
It's just that I think...
maybe you should dress your age.
I mean, look at Dad. He's dressed|like a villain from "Miami Vice. "
Dress my age? I'll have you know|Morton and I dress the way we feel.
Look at your father.
He's a regular sex machine.
Yeah, a regular Brad Pitt.
So, where is our benefactor?
Are you okay?
All right. I'll be right back.
I went to the bank today,|and do you know what I found?
Or should I say, do you know|what I didn't find?
- I wasn't able to-|- I am really starting to dislike you.
- I didn't find my money!|- It's at Crunch's.
I'll call and get it tonight.
Now!
- Yo, money! You ready to-|- Do it. Yeah.
That's my word!
Make sure we get this right.
Crunch fucked me up|with that whack-ass note.
All right.|My phone is plugged into here.
This motherfucking Tracebuster|will keep that motherfucker from-
- Trace?|- Tracing our shit. Know what I say?
This Tracebuster keeps a buster|from tracing your call.
- It can also-|- Trace?
Trace the motherfucker|that's tracing your shit!
What if they got a Tracebuster, too?
That's why I've got|this Tracebuster Buster.
When a motherfucker try to bust|your trace with a Tracebuster...
this will bust the motherfucking|Tracebuster that's busting your-
- Trace!|- That's my word, player!
- Use my cell phone.|- Patch that into here, all right?
- Plug and play, motherfucker!|- Yo!
Hello.
Mr. Nishi, you don't know me, but|I have something you may want to hear.
If says "businesses. "|That's whaf if-
Hold on. That's not it.
These sexually frustrated-
Hold on. Just, you know, relax.
- Listen to this.|- Tooth polish, hemorrhoid cream-
Hello? Hello?
That motherfucker had the nerve|to hop smart on my ass!
What?
Dad, I've been kidnapped.|Send one million or I'm dead.
Who is this?
Don't worry about who this is!|We have your daughter.
We want $1 million or she dies.
- Plain and simple.|- Is she okay?
She's fine, but if we don't get|that money she won't be.
I don't have money.|I go bankrupt.
Bullshit! Don't fuck with us or we'll|send her back in little fucking pieces!
Get us the million by noon tomorrow|or she's a slab of meat!
- Undersfand me?|- I understand.
I'll calI you at 10:00 a. m. and tell you|where the drop goes down. No cops.
Or I starf cutfing.|I smell a cop, I'I/ cuf off her hand!
Don't try to trace this call.|It won't do you no good.
That's how you do shit!
I gots this shit well in control!|We're about to get paid.
I not call police.|Fuck all the police!
Was I a bad motherfucker?
- You was a bad-|- Motherfucker!
- Bad!|- Bad motherfucker!
Mean! Nasty!
I trace you, buster!
Up you go. Go, go.
Hello.
That's it, baby.
10:00 a. m. tomorrow we set up the drop|and by noon we get paid.
Yo, my nigger!
We gonna get paid!
In the house!
Get your ass to my office|in 20 minutes.
Fuck! Motherfucker!
Paris called me for some emergency shit.|Don't do jack till I get back.
Yo, yo, if you want me to,|I could set up the-
Drop it, motherfucker!|Don't do shit till I get back!
I'm really sorry.|I mean, it's nice to finally meet ya.
You seem like a nice enough|German-Irish fella.
And I hope you won't take any offense|when I say...
what are you both, out of your minds?
- Ma, we know what we're doing.|- Oh, yeah?
You're gonna kill your father.|That's what you're doing.
Marriage? You two?|A Catholic and a Jew? God forbid.
You're gonna put your father|in an early grave!
- What is this doing to your parents?|- Actually they're both dead.
You see? Do you see?
Ma, they were dead before we met.
I know. This isn't about Daddy|or Mel's parents. It's about you.
You're prejudiced.
- Prejudiced? I'm prejudiced?|- Yeah.
I'll have you know there is not one|prejudiced bone in my body.
Not prejudiced? If I wanna marry goyim,|I'll marry goyim!
- Over my dead body you will!|- If I want, I'll marry a black man.
- Shut your mouth!|- A six-foot-nine-
Excuse me, sir.|I just wanted to apologize.
I didn't mean to cause|such a schlimazel.
I'll take them to temple tomorrow.
Do you think that might work?
- Mr. Shulman?|- Mort.
Sorry. Mort. Sir, I know how|your wife feels about me and Pam.
I just wanted you to know that I would|never marry her without your blessing.
Yes, sir?
Could you get me a shot of that rum|I saw in there?
Yeah, sure.
- Never give Daddy something to drink.|- Why? What's the matter?
- It's horrible.|- It's not so bad.
It's not so bad?|He's a meshuggenah, that's what he is.
- Yo, boss, what's going on?|- Sit down and shut up.
Even for those who live|outside the law...
it is commonly understood that there are|certain rules which must be observed.
Otherwise what you have is anarchy.
I hear you, boss.
We run a serious business here.|The business of making money.
This business is based on trust|and loyalty and honor.
In the house of Paris,|that's alll we've got.
That's it, baby.|It's all about love.
When the rules are broken in the house|of Paris, the machine breaks down.
Discipline must be enforced.
Order must be restored.
In my house,|there has been a transgression.
An unauthorized kidnapping in my house.
- Who could be that stupid?|- It gets worse.
In this particular case...
the transgression is personal.
In this case...
the kidnappee happens to be|my goddaughter.
- Fuck no!|- Some rock.
Some dolt.
Some less than senseless thing|has decided to come...
to my house and kidnap my goddaughter.
And I am looking...
I am searching for a motherfucker...
stupid enough to fuck with me.
Yo, boss, what's this got|to do with me?
I want to know what you would do|to that son of a jackal.
Me?
I would, you know, I would-
What would you do to someone...
who decided to fuck with you|in your own house?
I'd bust some caps!
Bust some caps!|Give this man a gold star.
It is you who-
Give me that!
It is you that I'm putting in charge|of this whole operation.
It is you who must go forth...
and bring these motherfuckers to me.
Let's just take the money...
and go to L.A. where people|like us belong.
I love this movie.
Get that, Mel, will you?|I'm not dressed.
What are you doing here?
I just came to drop your shit off|before I said good-bye.
Good-bye, you punk-ass bitch.|I'm leaving this town.
What are you doing? Chantel?
Shit!
I'm getting a glass of prune juice.
Hurry up.|We've got a long way to go.
Don't worry. I know a shortcut.
No, sweetie.|You don't want to do that.
- What's in there? It's heavy.|- It's deer meat, actually.
- What?|- Cisco went hunting and bagged a deer.
He gave the meat to me|because he's a vegetarian.
- There's a dead deer in there?|- Yeah.
That's gross. Take it out|to the garbage, please.
Sorry about that.
Ma, pour me some coffee.
- You don't want to go in there.|- I need to get something.
It smells really bad. Stinky poo-poo.
That's disgusting.
Morton, look at that dog.
Hey, get away!
Go away, you giant rat!
There's something so peculiar|about that boy.
Let go!
- Hello? Hold on.|- Big Top Video.
Now I'm hearing things.
- I am not going to temple.|- Hello?
Hello!
Understandable you're avoiding us.
- You know why we're calling.|- Sorry. I apologize.
- She has become godless.|- Whaf's fhe mafter, litf/e girl?
Why are you crying?|Because I wanna rent "King Kong Lives. "
- Who are you talking to?|- I'm sorry.
But you can't rent that.|Melvin Smiley has that out right now.
- And he's foo busy to bring it back.|- I promise I'll bring it back.
Aren't you going to temple?
- What do you mean, no?|- You're going to ruin my surprise.
I don't like surprises.|What surprise?
I was planning on cooking a nice|kosher meal for you and your folks.
- This I gotta see.|- Excuse me one second.
Let go of that!
Let go!
Get outta here.
You are a pathetic little man.
Shit!
You're back.
Daddy had to make a pit stop,|and I forgot my purse.
You don't have to make a pit stop,|Mrs. Shulman?
No, I'm fine.|I'm fine right here.
- It's a long drive.|- I'm fine.
- You sure?|- I'm sure.
I forgot a thing in the trunk there.
Look, if you've got a thing|in the trunk, you'd better get it out.
I will.
- What's that?|- It's his thing. Get in. We're late.
If there's a dead deer in there,|get it out of there.
- et's go!|- I swear.
I can do this.
Cisco, where the fuck are you?
Don't call. Don't you call.
Don't you fuckin' call,|you stupid fuck.
They got Tracebuster Buster.
I got Tracebuster Buster Buster|for their ass.
All right, think, think.|Crunch!
Be cool, playboy.|I got you covered.
I tell you what.
I'll pick the chick up and keep her|here in my crib. You feel better?
- Much. What time?|- I've gotta stop by fhe office.
- Give me an hour and a half. Cool?|- Yeah, cool. Thanks, bro.
You ready again? You ready again?|Come on.
Are you okay?
I'm gonna take your gag off,|but you gotta promise not to scream.
I don't suppose you could take|these cuffs off, too?
- Sorry.|- I didn't think so.
- I have to pee.|- Yeah.
I need help.
Oh, sorry.
No, I need help with my underwear,|unless you wanna take my cuffs off.
Sorry.
I'm done.
- You don't seem like a kidnapper.|- I'm usually not.
- Aren't you gonna flush?|- Yeah.
Technically you could call me a hit man.
Really? A hit man?|Does that pay well?
Of course.|I make a killing.
- Thank you.|- You're welcome.
I'm hungry. You must be starved.
- I'm so hungry, I could eat a-|- Horse?
I could never eat a horse.
Let me know what you want. I can go|in the kitchen and cook it for us.
Will you put a hit on it for me?
Yeah.
How about a pterodactyl?
You're in luck.|I just whacked...
a rare, extra cheese and pepperoni|pterodactyl.
- Cold or nuked?|- Nuke it.
That girl from the other house,|she your girlfriend?
Yeah, I guess so, kind of,|but I'm engaged to Pam.
Chantel is kind of your girlfriend, but|you're engaged to another girl, Pam?
Sounds complicated.|Tell me more.
Cisco, I can do this.|I ain't no fuckup. I can do this.
I'm gonna prove it. I'm gonna prove|my ass to all you motherfuckers...
that I can handle my...
business.
Yeah. I can handle my business!
Hello?
Mr. Nishi, noon foday,|$1 million cash.
In a plastic garbage bag.|Place it in the green garbage can...
near fhe Abbey She/fer|on McBryde Trail...
righf off of Old School Road.
Do you understand?
I don't understand "McBlyde. "
What?
No, no. Hang up.
What is "McBlyde"?
McBryde Trail...
is a goddamn-
- What is "McBlyde"?|- If's a mofherfucking-
A goddamn thing.
I understand.
McBryde Trail.
I will drop money there.
Good.
Get him. Get him!
Let's go, let's go!|Bust a move!
It's your life.|You have to take some responsibility.
It seems like no matter what I do,|it's never really good enough.
You know?|It's starting to make me miserable.
You can't blame Chantel and Pam|for taking advantage of you.
You make it too easy for them.
I'm not blaming them.|at least I'm not trying to.
At the end of the day,|all I want them to do is be happy.
I don't know.
I just can't stand the idea|of them not liking me anymore.
To be perfectly honest, I can't stand|the idea of anybody not liking me.
That sounds pretty dysfunctional.
Why do you say that?|What do you mean?
I mean, you might suffer from|a borderline personality disorder.
- And you have codependency issues, too.|- What?
You're whipped.
You seem nice. You're not like|the others. Do what's right for you.
You're really smart.|You know that?
What the fuck is that?
All right, you filthy|kidnapping scum person, you!
- Where's the girl?|- She's at-
Don't get cute with us, scumbag.
I've been sent here by my boss,|Paris...
whose goddaughter you all happen|to be kidnapping...
to find her.
If you wanna stay breathing,|you better tell me, Melvin...
where the fuck she is and who the fuck,|Melvin...
is the insidious mastermind|behind this plot.
Melvin.
Melvin?
Melvin? Melvin Smiley?
Melvin Smiley is the mastermind|behind this kidnapping?
Oh, my God!
What a world.
I mean, the humanity.
The betrayal.
He was like a brother to me, man.
Oh, well.
Somebody's gotta die.
Look at it as a privilege, you know?
You're always dying to do something|for me. Now's your chance.
All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Now we're gonna find Melvin Smiley...
and we're gonna kill him.
Melvin. Son of a bitch.
I knew the boy had financial problems,|but I didn't dream he'd go this far.
Find the girl first,|then deal him.
Pack up.|We are going for a ride.
Who knows what unspeakable things|they do to my little girl?
It says you're supposed to soak|the matzo for five minutes.
It says you're supposed to soak|the matzo for five minutes.
- Okay.|- Is this traditional Jewish cooking?
I hope so. It's the only|Jewish cookbook in the house.
You need margarine|to saute the mushrooms.
Shit! Is that kosher?
Like I would know. You need to stir it|so it doesn't stick.
I could help you better|if I didn't have these cuffs on.
All right.
You're pretty good at this.
You ever cook for your dad?
My father doesn't even know I'm alive.
Not until I have to impress|some of his associates.
- Do you have brown sugar?|- Yeah.
Do you know what it's like living|your life to please other people?
I guess you do, huh?
It's a drag. Sometimes I wish|I could just get away. Know what I mean?
I do, as a matter of fact.|I've always dreamt of getting away.
Come here. What are you doing?|You're missing the point.
The whole joy of cooking. You have|to use your hands, get in and get messy.
Get in there.
Kind of like it.
Now we have to glaze|our M-4 white leghorn.
- Our LM what?|- Common broiler chicken.
I'm studying them|in advanced biotechnology.
Damn!
I'm sorry.|I'Il clean it up for you, okay?
Did you know the white leghorn|was bred with the Ross sire line...
to create the hybrid|known as the Roslin QTL Cross?
Of course.|Doesn't everybody?
Gave rise to over|33 different phenotypes...
all distinct for reaching their|sexual maturity within two months.
Then we eat them.
Yep.
You know, it's kind of sad.|In order to feed us...
something so young and|in the prime of its life...
has to die.
- Help! Help!|- Keiko!
I'm sorry.
Oh, shit!
Fuck!
- Here you go, Ma.|- You feel better, Bunza Bun?
Getting your hair done always helps|to mend a broken heart.
You're doing the right thing, baby.
We have to preserve our heritage.
You'll tell him after eating.
Better he should have a broken heart|on a full stomach.
Think he's gonna take the money back?
- What're you doing?|- Nothing. How was your outing?
Smells good. Something's cooking.
We're ready to eat when you are.
- Hello?|- This is Crunch.
What's up?|Hold on one second.
- Can you excuse me one second?|- Sure.
- et's go.|- Hello?
Yo, Crunch. What the fuck is goin' on?
Left.
Right here.
This is the place.
I'm gettin' the fuck out of the country,|and you need to do the same. Now!
I went by the office today.
Paris is planning a big hit.
Yo, nigger! I said it should have|some lanolin in it.
Not some goddamn aloe vera bullshit.|Motherfucker!
Get it straight.
Seems like some motherfuckers done gone|and kidnapped Paris' goddaughter.
Some Japanese bitch. Our Japanese bitch.|See what I'm saying?
Look, you've got to let him have it|point blank.
It's over. Kaput. That's it!
But, Ma, that seems very harsh.
Cisco's trying to save himself.
He's after all of us.
He got Gump.
My advice.
Gef the fuck ouf of Dodge now,|nigger.
There's a hif squad coming|for your ass righf now.
Peace. Out.
Shit.
Here's your prune juice, darling.
Leave the bottle.
Who's that?
Hello. Is Melvin Smiley here?
We're Melvin's coworkers.|We work in the same office.
Really?
- Is that chicken I smell?|- Have you eaten? - Lunch?
I haven't eaten all day.|Could you eat something?
- Come on.|- You're so gracious. Thank you.
He's a devoted colleague. A man who|works for the betterment of society.
So why does Melvin work on weekends?
He works with the homeless a lot.
He sells computers to the homeless?
You'd be surprised how many|homeless people buy computers.
Oh, really?
- Hello, Melvin.|- Hi, Melvin.
You wanna talk about this outside?
Sit down, Melvin.|I'd like to propose a toast.
To my wife. A lovely woman,|who for the past eight years...
has cost me over $200,000...
in plastic surgery bills.
And what was the end result|of all that surgery?
A 57-year-old woman|with the face...
of a beautiful|25-year-old ape.
- Oh, Morton!|- Shut your pisk!
I'll have you know|that many men...
have found me to be|a ravishing creature.
Don't you think I'm attractive still?
- A ravishing creature?|- Yes. Certainly.
Yeah, sure.
I agree. You're a creature.
Sit down! You're drunk.
To my darling daughter Pamela.
A princess.|My only child.
And the source of constant pride...
to degenerate, manipulative...
gold-digging leeches the world over.
Which leads me|to my would-be son-in-law Melvin...
who's very charming|in a "Rain Man" kind of way.
But obviously not good enough|for some parties.
- I think you better-|- Sit down and shut your pisk.
- Morton, please. Sit down!|- Where was I?
The first thing we do when we meet|this young man is have a big fight.
Then the young man comes to me|like Sidney Poitier...
in "Guess Who's Coming to dinner. "
A fine film, I might add.|And he proclaims...
"I will not marry your daughter|unless I have your blessing. "
To which I say...
"She doesn't deserve you.
You deserve to be in an environment|of tolerance and brotherhood. "
When I see four men|of different races...
colors and creeds, sitting together|at the dinner table...
it fills me with hope.
You four are what this country|is all about.
Oh, gross!|You nasty mother-
It's bonus time,|and guess who's the bonus.
Yo, Mel. You pissed at me, baby?
Backstabbing motherfucker.|We're supposed to be friends.
We're still friends. I just need space.|I still love you, baby.
Yeah, just like you loved Gump, huh?
It's every man for himself, Mel.
Move it out.|Freddy, you're with me.
- Pam?|- Yeah?
- Were you gonna break up with me?|- Yeah.
- I guess this is good-bye.|- Yes. Yes.
I'm sorry about the meal.
Things could be worse.
He's getting away!
Come on, move!
"Don'f worry, baby.
This'll shave four hours|off our drive. "
We're right back where we started,|you fucking idiot!
He's an animal.|I should've found the money.
Don't worry. He won't hurt her now.|She's the only insurance he's got.
That was intense!
I'll be right back.
Oh, God!
- I think I broke my leg!|- Shit.
Nice fuckin' driving, Mario.|Now get us out of here!
You have Triple-A card?
Mine expired.
He's got a gun.
- You were gonna keep this, weren't you?|- He wanted it.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Melvin, I'm sorry.|Can we just talk about this?
I love you!
Shit!
I wanted it?
If you would've stayed your narrow ass|on the freeway like I told you to...
this wouldn't have happened.
You wouldn't happen to know|where Melvin is headed, would you?
You wouldn't happen to know|where Melvin might be headed, would you?
Would you?
- Whaf happens now?|- I drop you off and you go home.
No, I mean,|what happens with us?
If you're gonna be with me, there are|certain things you need to understand.
I'm a contract killer.
I murder people for money.|So far they've all been bad people.
Give or take a few obnoxious ones.|That's what I do.
- It's the only thing that I'm good at.|- I'm cool with that.
If you stay with me,|your life's gonna be in danger.
A constant adrenaline rush?|Are you kidding?
- I like it.|- Understand this, okay?
I positively cannot be the only one|falling in love in this relationship.
- It's got to be mutual.|- I'm feeling you, Skipper.
I'm gonna return this tape.
When I come back, if you really want to,|we'll disappear together.
Stay still. Please.
Oh, God. I'm gonna get us out of here.|Just calm down. Please.
You don't seem that calm!
Aw, shit.
You okay?
All right. We can get out the back.
Come on. It's safe.|Just don't look down.
Skipper, look.
Oh, shit.|You gotta get out of here.
Meet me by the video store.|I gotta deal with this guy. Go!
The most expensive stand-up in the|history of motion picture marketing.
Awesome.
Smiley.
Here's your fuckin' tape back.
Let's see here.
Ooh, late charges.
What's this?
Tape's not rewound?|That's gonna cost you!
I've taken a lot of shit from you.
I put up with your high prices,|your lousy selection.
- Your rude phone calls.|- Sorry about that.
- I want to tell you one thing.|- What?
I will never rent tapes|from this store again, you snotty-
I'm gonna finish what I started,|motherfucker.
No, please.
Knuckle up, bitch.
Let's go, motherfucker.|Let's work.
- Where's the girl?|- I let her go.
You let that bitch go? I can't believe|how fucking stupid you are, man.
- She ain't no bitch.|- Oh, she's not a bitch.
I see. You like this girl.|Come on! She tricked you, fool.
Just another ho manipulating|your sorry ass to get what she wants.
You don't know what you're|talking about. That's not true.
Haven't I taught you nothin'?|She don't like you.
Hell, I don't fucking like you.
You was nothin'. I got you a job,|taught you everything you know.
Remember that promise I made about|my boat? I lied. You ain't getting shit.
I don't give a fuck!
Son of a bitch!
Ain't that a bitch!
All I wanted to do|was to sail my boat, man.
You know?
Navigate by the stars.
See dolphins racing alongside,|you know?
Maybe even kill a few of 'em.
Yo, Mel...
I can almost see it.
It's fucking beautiful.
I'm here, buddy.
I can't see it no more.
I can see it.|You're there, man.
You're there now.|Right there on the deck.
It's just you and the sea.|One on one.
You're free now.
Why?
That is so cool. I can't believe they're|making a movie about your kidnapping.
My dad's in L.A. finalizing the deal.
This is such a story.|Your dad was totally broke.
Then you get kidnapped and now they're|gonna make a big Hollywood movie?
Your dad must be so happy.
Yeah, everything's back to normal.|My ride's here. I gotta go.
Straight home, ma'am?
Or would you like to just get away|from it all?
- I don't understand.|- Thanks, Vince. Let's go.
You got it, kid.
You know your dad's movie display?|It was really well made.
- So?|- Yeah?
Are we gonna disappear or what?
You're the man.