1
Well, every so often
we come across
one of these kinds of stories.
This peach of a piece comes
to us from down south
where a Georgia man
claims to have seen
Bigfoot.
Yes, that's right, Bigfoot.
Michael Joneses
of Calamityville,
says that the legendary creature
walked right by him
while at a local creek.
Joneses tells WRXH
that he and a friend
were walking through the woods
when it happened.
I was there.
I was right there, you know?
And he was right there.
And he looked me
right in the eye.
I look at my friend, and he just
shrugged like nothing happened.
You said it was dark, correct?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Maybe too dark to really
make out what you were seeing?
Oh, no, no matter.
Day, night, light, or dark,
big is always gonna be big.
That's right, "big is always
going to be big."
Apparently they tried to
interview the other eyewitness,
but he declined to comment.
Well, there you have it, folks,
even Bigfoot
likes Southern hospitality.
No, we talked about this.
It's "project Bigfoot."
Oh, my gosh, that sounds lame.
It should be
you know, make it sound
scary, dude.
Moose, we said "project
Bigfoot" in the movie.
And you saw it.
It's not scary.
We're going with
Okay, you tell me
what sounds better,
or
Moose, you're just doing
a better voice
- for the one that you want.
- No, I wasn't.
When's the last time
you heard the title
being said as it came up
on the screen?
Never, why are you doing this?
Okay, I'm telling you, Steve,
it's the way the business
Stop! It's...
And that's the end
of the conversation, okay?
Fine, you're the boss,
you get what you want.
- Thank you.
- Yep.
- I respect you.
- I appreciate that.
- Are we rolling?
- Yeah, man, go.
The yeti.
Sasquatch.
Skunk ape.
The Yowie.
"Harry and the Hendersons."
This supposed beast
dons many names
from different regions
all around the globe,
but we have all come
to know him as Bigfoot.
The million dollar question is,
does he exist?
Stay tuned as we interview
several people
who claim, yes, he does!
Is that going to be
the beginning?
Yeah! Yeah, I mean, might jazz
it up a little, I don't know,
what do you think?
Yeah, it's good.
Yeah, it's good.
- No, that was kinda weak, dude.
- What, really?
I mean, maybe it needs
more of a hook.
You know, like a twist?
I can't put a twist in it.
It's a documentary.
It's not made up, only the...
Oh, this is it.
Okay, guys, this is a very good
friend of mine,
who has a lot of experience
with a camera.
A true professional.
So I'm begging the both of you,
especially you,
- Unwarranted.
- Be on your best behavior, okay?
Always on
my best behavior, Steve.
- Always?
- Always.
Especially this time.
This yeti guy better not
be a douchebag
- because I think I can only take...
- What?
- Five days of douche.
- Moose.
That's exactly
what I'm talking about.
- Holy hotcakes!
- Don't say hotcakes.
Best behavior. Best.
Oh, my! Is that?
- Dude, do you know who
that is, man? -No.
That's Jamie Kerrigan.
Oh, man, she was on
my flag football team.
She is so hot and fast.
Yeah, she's hot, but she
better not get in my way.
What do you mean,
"get in your way"?
You know what I'm talking about.
Oh, yeah.
Wait, no, I don't.
Do you even know
how to use that thing?
Oh, yeah, kinda.
Hi.
I'm Jamie.
Okay.
Gummy bear?
Oh, no, thanks.
And we are off!
- Have you been rolling
this whole time? -Yeah.
I told you you, don't need...
Fancy schmancy hotel
accommodations.
There's Jamie,
with her awesome diary.
Moose, big old pocket knife.
- Mickey.
- Your fly's open.
- Yeah, I do that for fun
sometimes. It's funny.
Okay, guys, this is
gonna be super fun.
We're gonna do
a quick little intro.
Okay, so just tell us
who you are, how you got here.
What you hope to gain
from this experience,
you blah, blah, blah.
You got it?
- Yup.
- Sounds gay.
Well, that doesn't even make sense,
but whatever, you're doing it.
I zipped it up, just in case
you're wondering.
Oh, good, yeah,
I'm proud of you.
Okay, great, let's get started.
Yeah, that bed is big enough
for the three of us, yeah?
- Oh, the more the merrier.
- No, no.
And action.
Hi, I am Mickey.
I am 26 years old.
I am from west palm beach,
Florida.
Hi. I am Jamie.
I'm a researcher
and a fellow camera operator
on project Bigfoot.
Yeah, moose.
Real name's Franklin Simmons.
So you can understand
why I go by moose.
I like football.
I like to play racquetball.
I don't if there is
a Bigfoot, but...
Who knows, you know?
That's why I'm here, I guess.
Bigfoot is bullshit.
I am 5' 4 1/2",
140 pounds.
- And I work at the...
- What are you doing?
You said to introduce myself.
Yeah, but this isn't...
This isn't eharmony, okay?
Just tell us about the
project and why you're here.
- I'm sorry, man, that's... all right.
- It's easy.
All right, um, hi!
I am Mickey.
I am here for audio.
I work at the olive garden.
I'm pretty stoked, I think.
So Steve asked me
to come up here.
So whatev's, I'm here.
- Brought my gun.
- Oh, sweet.
I am 5' 4 1/2".
I am 140...
You already said that.
Steve, I'm not good
at this stuff, man.
So, it should be fun.
Steve, she didn't say
how tall she was.
- That's fine.
- Copy.
So, if there is a Bigfoot,
you better watch out
cause the moose
is coming for you.
Hi, I'm the team leader, Steve.
- Or captain Steve.
- -I'm not calling you captain Steve.
For five days,
I and my brave team,
will be alone
in the backwoods of Georgia,
here in Calamityville.
It was here
that the last known sighting
of Bigfoot took place,
only 12 days ago.
We plan to investigate.
Not only will we talk
to professors and scientists,
but we'll also talk to locals
who say that they've
seen Bigfoot
with their very own eyes.
I've spent 10 years
dedicating my life
to the research of Bigfoot.
So there's no hiding the fact
that I strongly believe
that Bigfoot exists.
I also believe that by the end
of this project,
the world will know more
about this mystifying creature.
This is captain Steve
signing off.
Stay tuned.
10 years, Jesus, get a life!
Come on, man, can you not...
I admire the people
who go looking.
What do you mean?
The people that actually
go looking for Bigfoot.
They never find anything, Steve.
Yeah, but at least
they're trying.
Yeah, but at least you got
a big interview set up, Steve.
- I guess.
- -Do you know what you're gonna ask yet?
Yeah, I should be good.
Hey, Steve, who's gonna
edit the movie?
I don't know yet, why?
I shot this short film
called, "Blood Brotherz."
Steve, freakin' awesome.
Hey, bro? Bro?
Are you awake?
Now I am.
What's up little brother?
I can't do this prison anymore.
It's got me down.
Then we need to get out
of this place.
We need to do it now.
- What's your plan? -The
big brother's got a plan.
We're gonna get you
the hell outta here.
Come on little brother,
this way!
No, it's locked!
- Let's go!
- Thanks, man.
Yeah, my cousin cut it. He can
edit your movie. He's pretty good.
Yeah? Is he really any
good, or does he...?
Hi, I'm here
with Michael Joneses.
Am I saying that correctly?
- Joneses.
- Okay.
- Mr. Joneses.
- Yes, sir.
You reported seeing Bigfoot
almost two weeks ago,
is that correct?
Yes, sir.
And you're sure it was Bigfoot?
Yes, sir.
That is very exciting.
Where exactly did you see him?
Over there somewheres.
Over there somewheres?
Yes, sir.
Okay, um, and...
And what did he look like?
Big.
- He looked big.
- Yes, sir.
Just big?
Yes, sir.
Shh.
Uh, were there any other details
about the sighting?
- No, sir. -I was really
expecting a "yes, sir" there.
Uh, were you with
any one at the time?
Yes, sir.
- Okay, great. Who?
- Willie ray.
- Willie ray.
- Yes, sir.
- And where does he live?
- Over there somewheres.
Yes, sir?
- What the hell was that? -That
was a very bad interview, Steve.
Oh, that was a very bad
interview? Oh, thanks moose.
Are they all gonna
be like that, Steve?
I don't know.
I hope not.
The interviews
are not gonna cut it.
- Mm-mmm.
- Guys, I have an idea.
- No.
- Yes.
What if we actually
looked for Bigfoot.
- I'm in 100%.
- Steve.
Guys, hear me out, okay?
As of right now, what are we doing?
What are we doing?
We're making a movie
with interviews.
- Okay, that's boring.
- Snoozefest.
- Why can't we look for him?
- Because he doesn't exist.
Well, it doesn't
hurt to try, right?
I say we camp out
for a few weeks
- and really investigate.
- No way, man.
I would rather watch
every Tyler Perry movie.
Steve, I gotta work next week.
You know that.
- Ooh, where do you work?
- Yeah, where do you work?
Why?
I don't know, I just think
maybe I could come in,
- like, hey, Jamie, what's happening?
You'd be like,
"you are a stud." I'd be like,
"stop, you're embarrassing me,
but I secretly
want you to keep going."
- I need a job.
- Mm-hmm, okay.
No, let's just head back
into town and then...
What?
- Oh, Jesus!
- Deliverance!
Roll your window down.
- Uh, no, thanks!
- No, thank you.
- You guys the Bigfoot people, right?
- -Nope.
- We're not?
- No. Tell him...
- Say no.
- Say no.
- I stepped in shit.
- He stepped in shit.
Oh, god.
Okay, I am here with Earl,
and Earl is claiming
to have seen Bigfoot.
- Is that correct? -That's right,
but he won't let anybody see him.
- What do you mean? -Well, you
see, the thing with Bigfoot is,
if he wants to be seen,
then you can see him,
but if he don't,
then you ain't gonna see him.
That's just...
That's just the way it is.
- It's just like that. -But he
is somewhere in these woods?
Oh, no, yeah, no,
he's around here.
No, he's definitely
somewhere here, yeah.
But only if he wants to be seen.
That's right.
That's right.
- And you've only seen him once?
- Me, oh, yes,
I've seen him one time,
but Willie ray, he...
The Willie ray that lives
over there somewheres.
Yeah, that's him!
That's right, yeah.
Yeah, he's seen him.
The other day i... well,
I bumped into Willie ray
and he... we was fishing
and he was telling...
He runs into Bigfoot
and then they'll hang out
and play games, and go dancing,
and Indian wrestle
and stuff like that.
- Bigfoot?
- That's right.
Wow. Can you describe him?
Oh, yeah, no,
he's about eight feet tall.
He's got a big old head,
big old hair.
Strong.
He's real strong,
you know?
He's like a gorilla man strong.
Wow, wow, thank you
so much, Earl.
- Thank you very much. -Oh,
man, no think nothing of it.
That's fine.
Y'all be careful now, okay?
Wouldn't want anything bad
to happen to any of you.
All I'm saying is
why would he even say that?
Don't listen to him, man.
An eight feet tall gorilla man?
That crusty bastard was crazy.
- I can hear everything
you're saying.
Go, Jamie, attack!
I was... we were talking...
I meant another crusty bastard.
Not you.
- Why's he following us?
- Where were you on that, ass?
- I didn't see him.
- Shut up and keep on moving.
All right, I'll let you be.
Did he just say
he's gonna let us be?
Well, wait, what does it mean?
What the hell
was he planning on doing?
- He's gonna kill us.
- Don't say that.
Shh.
Do we really have to be here
for five days, Steve?
Steve, let's just go
into town, okay?
Yeah, yeah, let's go into town.
- Okay. -Yeah, double time.
Let's go!
Look, Steve, I really think
we can get everything we need
- in two days, right?
- I say we find a deer,
shoot it, skin it, eat it,
and then we leave.
Ooh! That's a movie, Steve!
- I would watch that. -We have
five days to get what we need.
We have a lot left to shoot
and we'll be here
for the remainder of it.
That's what we signed up for.
- I didn't sign up for anything.
- You know what I meant, Mickey.
- Did you sign up for something?
- Yeah, it's a long agreement.
- Oh, great. -He did sound
pretty sure of himself, huh?
- Who Earl?
- He sounded like a lunatic.
We are in unchartered
territory here, guys.
- We can be on to something!
- You know what we're on to?
Finding more
homicidal maniacs...
Five days!
Ugh! I hate this, dude.
- This is a nightmare.
- Well...
- Hi.
- I say it right here.
- Yes.
- All right.
- Hi, I'm here with Walter...
- But how am I gonna talk to you
- if I'm looking in the...
- You can look at both.
At both of you? All right.
Hi, I'm here with Walter Lee.
Hi, I'm here with Reggie.
Hi, I'm here with um...
I'm sorry, what was your name?
It's on my vest.
- Are your kids okay in there?
They're fine.
Don't worry about 'em.
Okay, are you sure?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I fed 'em.
- Sure, I've seen Bigfoot?
- You have?
- Yeah, I've seen him.
- Can you describe him for us?
Sure, yeah, I mean, I saw him.
He's a big hairy guy.
I was sittin' on the couch
with my old lady
and we was watching
the television
and he come across
in that thing where...
- No, no, not on TV.
- He's walking and turned around.
In real life with your own eyes.
- Oh, like real... like... like in 3-d.
- Yes.
Sure, I've seen... oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, I seen him.
Everybody know that
they be with them chickens
and they be laughing and who
gonna go and bail 'em out?
Cecil gonna bail 'em out,
that's who gonna bail 'em out.
Okay, I think that we actually
have another interview to get to.
I'm talking about Bigfoot.
Steve, let me take
commando over here.
Why, what are you gonna do?
I got it.
Hey there, moose.
We're doing
a documentary on Bigfoot
and we thought maybe
we could have you share
some information with us.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I sure would.
- Whatever you need to know.
- What's your name?
- My name is junior.
- Junior, all right, junior.
So, have you seen
Bigfoot before?
Mm-hmm, I did...
Nah, I didn't see him
- but I actually heard him.
- Oh, wow, you heard him?
- I heard him groan.
- Oh, wow.
I heard his calling.
Well, there is
no scientific fact
that says he doesn't exist.
There's no scientific fact
that says he does exist.
Okay, well, there's
no scientific fact
that says he doesn't exist.
He has a job?
Well, yeah, he works over
in George Cardel Dodge.
Okay, I think you're thinking
of an inflatable balloon.
No, he's got that... you know,
he stands out in front.
He's got this sign tells you
how much cars are.
- He waves to people that go by.
- That's an inflatable balloon.
You seen him, he goes like this,
- if you see a fella doing this,
it's probably Bigfoot. -Okay.
Are you guys filming
around here?
Doing stuff?
Going around town?
Yup, we're shooting
a documentary.
Don't go to Joe's groceries.
- Why?
- He's a dick.
Oh, so you heard him?
What did he sound like?
You know what?
He sound like a...
He sound like a...
Like a...
Oh, so like a wolf.
Okay, well, I happen to think
that there is a Bigfoot.
Well, there isn't.
Keep dreaming.
There ain't nothin' around here
except nothin'.
- You don't know. So there's...
- no.
There's a possibility
in that head.
Well, yeah.
Well, yeah, there's gorillas.
There's all kinds of animals.
No, man, it's not like a wolf.
I mean, it was more like a...
Like a...
Oh! Like a growl.
- Oh.
- Like a...
Like a...
So, like a bear.
If we wanted to find Bigfoot,
where would you suggest we go?
Oh, you gotta go talk
to Willie ray.
Yeah.
I don't believe
in everything I see.
You believe
in loch ness monster?
I do.
Rumor has it Bigfoot
smells like a wet dog.
Have you ever experienced
a wet dog smell?
- Yeah, there's wet
dogs around here. -Oh.
They smell like wet dogs.
You ever heard, um, like a...
- like a cat in heat get real scared?
- Never.
Like a, um...
Like a... like a...
So, junior, what you're saying
is it was a cat?
Come on, it's okay, buddy,
it was a cat.
If you need any help
with any of the filming here,
I'd be, you know, absolutely...
Oh, are you a filmmaker?
- No.
- Oh.
- If you ever actually see Bigfoot...
- Yeah?
- Please, just give us a call.
- Again, you mean?
- Was it a cat? It was a cat?
- Well, uh...
- Well, it probably was a cat.
- Yeah, see, it was a cat.
Thank you so much, junior.
It was a cat.
Thank you for your time.
- Nice to meet you, Rambo.
Hey, Steve, I was thinking,
since moose got a turn,
can I try?
I don't know, Mickey, I don't think
that would be such a good idea.
And action!
Sir...
- How tall are you?
- Cut.
I get so nervous.
So, we are now on our way
to Willie Ray's house.
Willie Ray's been mentioned by a couple
of the locals a few times already,
so we definitely
had to go talk to him.
Apparently he's had a few
run-ins with the alleged beast.
Any information he can give us
will be very helpful
in the on-going search
for the mystic monster.
Mystic monster!
Man, you just gave me
goosebumps!
Yeah, and if my directions
are correct,
we should be there
fairly shortly.
- Stop!
- No!
- Stop the car, Jamie!
- No, what?
- Shh. Quiet!
- Of course.
What is it?
Of course.
Maybe he has to go
to the bathroom or something,
Oh, scared me.
Am I bleeding?
I don't know. No.
Just looks crooked.
No, it doesn't.
I think that's how
it normally looks.
I don't see anything over there.
Steve, what is it?
I saw him.
- Ah, here we go.
- -Moose, did you see him?
- Yeah, I did, didn't you?
- -No.
That leprechaun
that was riding that unicorn,
- he was right next to it.
- Shut up, moose.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, I mean
I think I saw him.
It was just over there.
You guys didn't see anything?
- No.
- No.
Okay, so you're not sure?
No.
Hey, Steve, none of us saw
a goddamn thing.
So get in the car, and let's go!
Yeah.
All right, here we are.
This is scary.
Don't sing the "nightmare
on elm street" song.
Okay, shh.
All right, everybody got their stuff?
Yeah.
Oh, my god,
it's Jeffrey Dahmer's house.
- Great Steve.
- -It's not Jeffrey Dahmer's house.
Okay, well, maybe
it's Ted Bundy's.
Okay, let's just go.
Or the BTK killer.
Ooh, maybe the night stalker.
- Moose, stop it!
- Lower your voice.
Lower your face.
All right, guys,
let's all stay professional.
What the hell do you want?
Uh, hi, Mr. ray.
Yeah, that's Willie ray.
Willie ray, right.
Uh, I'm Steve.
Or captain Steve.
You don't have to call me that.
Just Steve would be fine.
This is Jamie, and Mickey...
Just state
your goddamn business.
Okay. Many of the
locals have said
that you've encountered
Bigfoot several times
and we're a documentary crew,
hence the cameras.
We were just wondering
if we could have
some information
on Bigfoot for our film.
I think you oughta
take your cameras and leave.
Okay, we'll do that.
It's just if there's any information
you have about Bigfoot, then...
Get outta here right now.
Let's just go, Steve.
Okay, okay, yeah, we're gonna go.
Thank you.
I'm kidding ya!
I kidding ya! I kidding ya!
He lives about two miles
west of here.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Wow.
- Oh, god.
- I got you! I got you! -I think I
might need a new pair of pants.
- I'm serious.
- -Oh, my god, it smells like shit.
That was good.
- That was good. -So you actually
have information on Bigfoot?
Yeah, that old so and so,
son of a bitch owes me 20 bucks.
He what?
Oh, no, he's gonna pay,
and all that.
Don't go putting anything
negative in your movie about him,
like he don't pay
his bills or nothin'.
He does, he will.
Look, come on in
and we'll talk about it.
Yeah, hey, we'll get your friend
a new pair of pants.
Somebody go caca caca poo poo.
That would be great.
- Ah-ha!
- Okay.
All right! Come on in!
Yeah, we're gonna have
some fun tonight
I got my specialty
cooking for dinner.
- Oh, yeah!
- Great.
All right. Sit down.
Take it easy.
I'll do this.
Okay, Jamie, why don't you put
your camera where moose is.
I have a feeling
this is gonna be really good.
I have a feeling
I'm gonna be sick.
Uh, what's your guys'
favorite way to die?
Don't say that.
- All better?
- Feel like a grand piano.
All right, it's looking fine in there.
Looking fine.
I'm making plenty
of food, folks,
so y'all have
to stay for dinner.
Well, that's awfully
nice of you.
We'll consider it.
Thank you.
Oh, good. I'm glad.
Okay, so we're gonna ask you a
couple questions about Bigfoot,
and all we ask is that you
are open and honest.
Any stories or details you have
would be greatly appreciated.
- Is that okay with you?
- Oh, yeah.
That's more than okay.
- Go ahead, shoot.
- All right.
- My friend.
- Everybody ready?
Speeding.
- All systems go.
- Looks good.
Great. So, Willie ray,
many of the locals
we've talked to
have said that you have had
several encounters with Bigfoot,
- is that true? -Yeah, he comes
around here from time to time.
Wait, here?
Yeah, here, sure.
Wow, okay.
Let me ask you this.
If we were to go
searching for Bigfoot,
do you think
that there's a good chance
that we would actually find him?
Yeah, that might happen,
but he might find you, too.
You know, I tell you,
the thing is...
You gonna smell him
before anything else,
before you see him and all that.
You know, he'd be a mile away
and you'd smell him.
I mean, hell, I smell
his ass all the time.
Smell his ass.
Okay, guys, all right, yeah, okay.
Moving on.
So if we smell him
that means we're close.
We've been told that he smells
kinda like a wet dog.
No, no, no, no.
Heard that, that's bullshit.
That's bullshit!
Hear that?
No, it's like,
oh, what's that smell?
Oh, you ever smell that,
eh....
- Passion fruit! -Oh, he
smells like passion fruit?
I didn't say that!
Don't put words
in my mouth, boy!
I just asked if you ever
smelled passion fruit.
Uh, yes, we're sorry about that.
And we have definitely
smelled passion fruit.
All right then. He smells
a lot like passion fruit.
Okay, Willie ray,
earlier you had mentioned
that Bigfoot owes you $20.
Yup, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Right, so...
- Yeah, we need you to explain that to us.
Well, yeah.
He's gonna pay.
I mean, I wanna get
one thing clear right now,
he ain't a welcher.
- Bigfoot ain't a welcher.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Ah, right, yeah,
we got that part,
- but why does Bigfoot owe...
- Oh! Why, you said. Why?
Why?
Well, you know, I tell you why.
He likes to play
a lot of board games.
Like Candyland, and checkers,
and mousetrap,
and all sorts
of what-have-yous.
And, well, one night
we got to playing sorry.
You ever play the game sorry?
- Never.
- -Yes, yes, we all have.
That's a good one, yeah.
You'd like it.
So, one day, I whooped
his ass in sorry.
And, you know, but it was
a healthy wager.
I mean, nobody's
getting hurt and all that.
It's just all friendly.
Mm, that's interesting.
Um, Willie ray,
I really hate to be forward,
well, better than
being backwards.
- He's right.
- That's right.
- That's right!
- I don't know what that means.
Hey, wait a minute!
- What day is it?
- It's Tuesday.
The 8th!
- Uh, the 21st.
- Right, exactly!
You guys are in luck.
Bigfoot's coming here tonight.
- What?
- Really?
Right, if my memory
serves me right.
Okay, look, I have
to say something.
Willie, you don't really
speak to Bigfoot.
You're just a crazy person,
no offense.
Offense taken,
you big fat tub of lard.
Now, hang on a minute.
I am friends with Mr. foot.
And I'm tired of you city folk
coming up here
- and calling us pancakes.
- Pancakes?
Here we go.
Here you go.
Feast your eyes on that.
Oh, my god.
Look, this is ridiculous.
- Well, I wanna see. Whoa!
- Is that real?
Of course it's real.
Are monkey pigeons real?
- What the hell is a monkey pigeon?
- -Steve, come on!
And you're saying that Bigfoot
is coming here tonight?
Yeah, he's coming here tonight.
I'm just lucky
I made enough food.
Oh, my stew!
- Okay, can I have a word with everybody?
- -Of course.
- We are leaving, right?
- Yes, yes.
- No way.
- No, this photo is everything,
That photo is nothing, man.
Are you kidding me?
My god, Steve, that could be
a guy in a costume.
This could be a guy
in a costume,
but it could also be real, guys.
We have got something here.
- Yeah, and who took that photo?
- -Yeah.
Can we please leave
before he comes back?
No! He's harmless.
He's kooky, yes,
but he's harmless.
Steve, I know he's harmless,
- but do you hear what this man is saying?
- Of course.
It's absolutely beyond
ridiculous.
He is out there.
He's like
cocoa puffs crazy, dude.
And who the hell
is calling him pancake?
Jamie, I think we have to entertain the
idea that Bigfoot is coming here tonight!
Steve, are you listening
to yourself?
Why are we here? If we don't
think this is possible,
- then why are we here?
- I don't know.
Hey, he's a nice guy. Look at
these awesome pants he gave me.
Shut up! Shut up!
I am not eating raccoon soup
or whatever the hell it is
that he is making in there.
We are leaving now!
Yeah, well, he insulted me,
but I am kinda hungry.
Yeah, my mind's saying no, but
my tummy's saying yes right now.
- I hate you both. -We are
staying and that's final.
- All right.
- Willie ray!
Ah, we are definitely
going to stay for a little bit,
if that's cool.
- I'm happy about that.
- Great.
Yeah.
Just so you know, little lady,
I'm not making raccoon soup.
I'm making squirrel stew.
There's a big difference
in the broth.
It's thicker.
Don't worry your pretty
little head about that, okay?
Er, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
- She's not worried.
- I can't wait.
Oh, god.
I'm nauseous.
I was kinda hoping
for raccoon soup.
It sounds exotic, huh?
Yeah, you know what's exotic?
- What?
- Your pants.
- Whoa!
- -Dude, those are awesome.
- Hey, can I ask you one
question real quick? -Sure.
Are you two legit to quit?
Yeah, hey, you know
how many dates
you're gonna get
with those pants?
- How many?
- None.
Willie ray, this is goo-ood.
Yeah, it really
is not that bad, huh?
Oh, that's nice of you.
- Hey, what are them?
- Oh, these? I love these.
Willie ray, you've never
had a gummy bear before?
- No! -Oh, this is
gonna blow your mind.
Those are good!
Yeah! Hey, I want you
to have these.
- No, really? -Seriously.
Thank you for the pants.
- I insist.
- Oh, well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- That's really nice of you.
Boy, oh, boy,
I'm gonna have one, so...
Oh, man.
He's always running late.
You don't say.
He's always running fake.
Nice.
- That's funny.
- Thank you, sir.
Is there usually
a specific time he...
You know, like I said,
you gonna smell it.
You're gonna start to smell it.
Maybe we should
open the windows.
That was a waste of a night.
Yeah.
Well, he might have said
Wednesday at 8:00.
- No can, thank you.
- -Thanks for the pants, Willie ray!
- Oh, yeah, have fun.
- -Jesus.
Hey, Jamie,
where are we going today?
- Georgia tech.
- Oh, yeah.
- Unless.
- -Unless we go home now.
- You're the boss. -Guys, I
really wanna find the beast.
- Ooh, me too!
- Oh, shoot me now.
Mickey, I love your spirit.
And moose, what else
do you have to do?
Uh, well, I, what's the point?
Steve, look, I can't.
I called your boss
and he's cool.
You have the next
three weeks off.
- What?
- Guys, come on!
We could do something epic here.
I believe them.
They've seen Bigfoot,
so why can't we?
Steve, I don't know.
Hey, I cannot wait
to find Bigfoot.
Yeah, well, don't keep
your hopes up, buddy.
Spoiler alert.
There isn't one.
You don't know that, moose.
Oh, I'm sure
to goddamn sure, I do.
Hey, I think he's out there.
I really do.
And we might not find him,
but he's out there,
- and that is a fact.
- Oh, that's a fact?
I'm sorry. What does he look
like, since you've seen him?
I haven't seen him,
but other people have.
20 million people in this world
and they never have a camera ready?
Interesting.
There are more than 20 million
people in this world, moron.
- Good. -There's
plenty of pictures.
- You saw one. -Bigfoot doesn't go
whitewater rafting, Mickey, come on!
- How do you know, moose? -Oh,
okay, well, here's a picture
I just found of Neil Armstrong and
Bigfoot together on the moon.
Oh, here he is with tennis
great, Martina Navratilova.
There is no Bigfoot!
Oh, yeah, you willing to put
a little money on that, moose?
- Steve.
- Oh, it's getting real, guys.
No, no, no, hear me out.
If you guys decide
to really investigate
with me for the next two weeks,
and we don't find Bigfoot,
then I am willing
to give you all $1,000.
Each?
Yeah, each.
You don't even have
half that money, Steve.
That's about all
the money I have.
I'm in.
We are going to find him,
Mickey.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
- Jamie.
- No.
- I need you.
- No, no.
I don't think I can
do this without you.
- I don't think I can.
- Steve.
What do you say? Please?
It'll be fun, I promise you.
- Oh.
- I swear.
Oh.
- Do not make me regret this.
- Yes!
Okay? All right,
my god, you owe me.
I will owe you
everything you want.
- You owe me big.
- Moose, what do you say?
You don't wanna let
the team down, do you?
- Two weeks?
- Two weeks.
Or until we find him.
Whichever comes first.
- Two weeks and $1,000?
- $1,000.
1,000 clams, cheddar with bacon.
A hundred thousand pennies.
Lot of Benjamins coming
your way, in your wallet,
read 'em and weep.
Or don't cry.
Whatever you wanna do.
Just 1,000 big gold...
$1,000, Steve? That's what
you were talking about?
- That's fine.
- You're on.
I have it.
Okay. This won't be
that bad, right?
Are you kidding me? This is going
to be the time of our lives.
You better pay up.
I'm a man of my word.
Sign here.
And here.
Where did you get
these contracts so fast?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I feel like I should
read this first.
Nope. Sign here.
Mickey, make sure
you come to dinner.
Hey, that's a grandma thing.
No.
Jeez, a little help
would be nice here.
- This is right for you.
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
- Enjoy yourself.
I need your clothes, your boots,
and your motorcycle.
- "Terminator 2", man.
- Dude, yeah.
I was just quiet
because it was shocking.
- How good it was, man.
- You give it a try.
There we got the rope,
and the two bags here,
the two bags down here,
the sleeping bag,
two sleeping bags.
I need you clothes, your boots,
and your motorcycle.
I'm supposed to be
Christopher Walken.
- What's the damage?
- And the rifle.
No, no, no, nope, no rifle.
No rifle.
Help me.
Help, I'm caught.
Oh, look, I caught
the cutest butterfly ever.
- Let me out.
- Okay.
- I can't get it off.
- Okay.
Seriously, dude.
- We're looking for Bigfoot.
- For Bigfoot?
- Yeah. -You're probably
all gonna die.
- You guys ready?
- Yes, me liege.
Ready as I'll ever be.
Let's get this crap over with.
Let's set up
over here, huh, Jamie?
Copy that.
All right, here we are
in the eerie woods
of Calamityville, Georgia.
Our official search begins now.
For two weeks it's just us
and the unpredictable
wilderness.
We've got our food,
our equipment, our tents,
and Mickey has got the map.
We will soon find out
what awaits us
in this dreaded forest.
Ladies and gentlemen,
project Bigfoot is underway.
Stay tuned.
- Yeah, I don't have it.
- You lost the map!
- Dude! That is so not cool.
- I am so sorry.
We haven't even gotten
into the wilderness yet,
- and you lost the map?
- I know, I'm really sorry.
Do we even need a map?
I mean, how big are the woods?
Uh, 24.6 square miles.
That's how big, moose!
- Idiot.
- All right, everyone just relax.
We're gonna go into town
and we'll buy a new map.
- Problem solved, Steve.
- Oh, problem solved, Steve.
Problem solved?
Mickey, I highlighted
and organized the entire thing.
I outlined the most time
efficient routes we should take.
I detailed the terrain,
I drew up hot spots.
I constructed an entire...
Ah, look at him.
He's like a lost little boy
running to his mama.
All right, first things first.
Be on the lookout
for any footprints,
unusual hairs, or droppings.
- What?
- He means poop.
- Right, Steve?
- That's right.
It has been said
that Bigfoot has a red tint
to his incredibly large feces.
Gross.
Stay on the lookout, be sharp.
This is the start of what
will be a life-changing event.
- Sorry, bud.
- Watch out, Mickey.
You lost the camera?
Dude, that is so not cool.
I am so sorry, Steve.
How am I supposed
to do a documentary
without a camera?
Oh, I know, Mickey,
I'll just tell people
it happened.
You're a great storyteller.
- Sure.
- No, he's not.
Oh, wait, here it is, guys.
I found the camera.
- Oh, man, total thank you.
- Crisis averted.
Actually, it's gonna start
getting dark pretty soon,
- so we should probably set up camp.
- Oh, yeah.
And this is very important guys,
I want one camera
rolling at all times.
You never know when
he may appear. Agreed?
- No, it's not gonna happen.
- Totally.
Moose, you know how
to set up a tent?
I think I can handle it,
sweetheart.
Okay, that... great,
you go and do that,
and Mickey, you go get
some firewood, all right?
Steve and I, we're gonna
finish unpacking, yeah?
- Moose, you help me, I help you?
- Okay, cool.
Okay, um, firewood's
the same as real wood, right?
- You're kidding, right?
- Yeah.
Okay, and then it should
just snap into place.
- Oh.
- Got it?
Yeah, got it.
Do you think you can
handle that, sweetheart?
Good one.
All right,
where's the other one?
The other what?
The other tent.
Oh, no, no, no.
This should be fine.
It says it sleeps four.
Thank you for coming, Jamie.
I owe you big.
You know, I could
do a lot with $1,000.
Yeah, where are you
gonna get $1,000?
Oh, very funny.
Moose, what would
you do with $1,000?
Start my own production company.
Set up a meeting
with m. Knight,
- and then...
- Wow.
They're on our tail!
I'll get you blood brotherz!
Come on,
little brother, let's go!
I found an abandoned house.
Let's hide!
That place is perfect.
Thanks, big bro,
blood brotherz for life.
Yeah, man.
Blood brotherz for life.
Wow, the guard!
He's found our hideout.
Run!
So this is where we decided
to set up camp for the night.
And this is our fire.
Hot set, everybody, hot set.
I am on fire.
This is our luxurious tent,
which is almost
like sleeping in a hotel.
And here is the amazing Jamie
reading a book.
Oh, Jamie, do you
have anything to say
about our first day on the hunt?
I can't believe
I'm really doing this.
Great, well said.
This is the rest
of our camp that...
- Why are we not taking care of our maps?
- -Psst, Steve.
Oh, and there's Mickey and moose
in a tree for some reason.
What is it?
Okay, so, moose thinks
he's got a better shot
of getting with Jamie
than I do, but I disagree.
- I could totally bang her if I wanted to.
- -Oh.
He's got the confidence,
but I got the charm.
I mean, what do you think?
I think we have a duty
as gentlemen to...
Doodie, right?
Oh, yeah, of course.
Really? That's exactly
what I was gonna say.
We have a... we have
an obligation.
- Obligation.
- That's not as funny.
As professionals to keep this
on the level, okay?
- There is a lady in our midst. Where are you going?
- Good point.
Moose, ugh, god.
- Do you like what you see?
- Get away from me.
Your loss.
- Oh, man. -Dude, I don't
even feel like I should go.
Get out there, dude,
get out there. Go.
- You guys didn't plan this very well, did you?
- -No.
Hey, Jamie, apparently
there's this rabid bear
running through the woods
just killing people.
They found a kid's
head and guts,
and basically, honestly,
I wouldn't hold it against you
if you wanna sleep
in my sleeping bag.
- No.
- Okay.
- What are you reading?
- Go away, you little shit.
Mm, yeah, got ya, heard you.
- Oh, that was painful, dude.
- Yeah, man.
That's gonna be
a tough nut to crack, huh?
- Well, she can crack my nuts.
- He's so good at this.
Yeah, that's wonderful.
I'm going to sleep, guys.
I think you should do the same.
Get some rest. We're gonna have a
long day ahead of us tomorrow.
Day three
is officially complete.
Our first official day
in the search for Bigfoot
is in the books.
I look forward to tomorrow.
I'm captain Steve signing off.
- Stay tuned.
- -Quit calling yourself captain Steve.
All right.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Oh, you made breakfast!
- Yup. Bacon and eggs.
- Nice.
- Hey, Steve, Jamie made breakfast.
- Yeah, I know.
She's amazing.
I didn't buy bacon and eggs.
Uh, you didn't. I did.
All you bought
were Twinkies and ice pops.
That's for drinking water now.
Whatever, just eat
your breakfast.
- I think I'm in love.
- What?
Uh, you... you fit
like a glove.
- Egg me.
- You know we have plates.
Oh, I don't need to be fancy.
- Is this Turkey bacon?
- Yes.
Wild audio recordings day four.
Location 82.24 degrees
latitude,
34.16 degrees
longitude.
Time is approximately...
2:39 pm eastern standard time.
Temperature is 74 degrees
Fahrenheit.
There's a current breeze
of two to three inches moving...
That is a lot
of information, Steve.
That is a lot of information.
I was just thinking that
as I was saying the Wes...
What was that?
Shh. What was that?
Did you guys hear that?
I think I farted, Steve.
Yeah, yeah, you did.
Let's move out!
Get away from the smell.
Hey, Jamie.
- Hey, Jamie!
- What, moose?
Do you have a boyfriend?
- Wow, uh, no, I do not.
- Really? That's cool, man.
Hey, how about you and me
go behind that tree over there
- and we bang? -How about
you go kill yourself?
Oh-ho. How about we go behind
that tree, we bang,
- and then I kill myself?
- Yeah, I'll think about it.
Nice. Progress.
- Moose! I got wood.
- So do I.
- All right, the campsite
looks pretty good for now.
We'll move west tomorrow.
Hey, let's have
some drinks tonight.
- Yeah!
- I don't know, guys.
- I don't think that's
such a good idea. -Yeah.
I could really use a drink. I think
you could too, there, captain.
Come on, Stevesy.
Steve, Steve.
Steve! Steve! Steve!
All right, all right, all right,
let's have some beers.
Whoo!
- You forgot all of it?
- Everything.
It's probably for the best.
- I'm going hunting.
- Sweet.
- All right, but be back
before it gets dark. -No.
And take the b cam in case
you come across anything.
Yeah, like beer.
Oh, burn! Wow!
Jamie, you wanna go
look over this map again?
Sure.
I'm telling you, moose,
it was right over there.
I didn't see a thing.
Why can't I get
this thing to focus?
We need to get our money back.
You do not know
how to use a camera.
Yeah, I do.
Look at this.
- Zoom.
- Why are you saying zoom?
Oh, my god! It's right there!
Did you not see that?
No, I didn't.
I'm going back to camp.
Wait for me.
- Ah, damn it!
- Do you smell something?
- No!
- -Nothing out of the ordinary.
- Kinda.
- Yes!
- You smell something, don't you?
- Ah...
Tell me what it is, Mickey.
- Ah...
- Tell me!
Pizza?
You smell pizza?
Yeah, kinda, but with pepperoni.
How do you smell pizza out here
in the middle of the woods?
I...
He smells pizza.
I thought I smelled
pizza, Jamie.
I know you did.
Oh, and Willie Ray's stew,
as well.
It's still in your mustache.
I'll be damned,
it's still in my mustache.
Hey, Steve, false alarm!
It was my mustache
the whole time, bud.
So the brother
comes back to life.
- He comes back?
- Yeah, he's back?
- I thought he was dead.
- Yeah, no, he's not.
- He's a cyborg.
- No way.
I mean, this stuff
just comes to me.
And then it's off in the future,
and, like, they're after
the security guard,
but they realize
he's not a security guard,
- he's just from the future.
- Don't go all Hollywood on us.
Hey, what if I end up being,
like,
your adopted brother in it?
And then what happens is...
Okay, whenever
you're ready, Steve.
Day 10, the hunt continues.
- Though I think we've been close...
- stop it!
- It was moose.
- God, you creeps.
- Are we finished?
- Jesus.
- Action!
- No, Mickey.
- See, that's either Jamie...
- And action!
Day 10, the hunt continues.
Though I think we've been close,
we have yet to produce
any kind of evidence,
so we continue to march on.
Now nobody said
this was going to be easy,
but we still have one week left.
We're constantly surrounded
by odd smells and sounds
that could very easily belong
to the elusive creature.
We've covered
about five square miles,
and unfortunately, thus far,
the findings have been scarce.
We don't have any findings.
My relentless team and I
will continue this pursuit
until its end.
We will not rest until
our mission is complete.
For moose, Jamie, and Mickey,
I'm captain Steve signing off.
Stay tuned.
And cut.
- We'll just have your cousin cut there.
- Yeah, he's good.
- All right, check the gate!
- God, my ear.
It's not your job.
Whoa, wow, okay,
that's a... that's a toughie.
Um, what is that? Right?
Uh... I think
Shakespeare put it best,
when he said that love,
called by any other name,
- is still a rose.
- Yeah, that's...
That's definitely not right.
Yeah, it's something like that.
- No, not at all.
- I've never read it.
What about you, moose?
You ever been in love?
Thank you for asking.
Yeah, yeah, once, huh.
Oh, man, I remember
the first time
I sat next to her on the bus.
I knew I was in love.
Oh, we were together
all the time, me and her.
She was that kinda girl that
just understood me, you know?
My gosh, that's so sweet?
What happened?
Well, we got older, and she
went and did her own thing
and I went my own way,
played college football,
and I was in the army
for a little while.
- The army?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, god, really?
- Yeah.
A lot of stuff went down there.
But not a day went by...
That I didn't think about her.
It made me live.
And afterwards I went home
and she wasn't there,
but I waited for her.
I waited for her every day.
I even heard whispers
of knocks on the door
until one day it was real.
And I ran down
as fast as I could,
and I opened it,
and there she was.
And then she told me
she was sick.
Oh, my god.
And that she wanted
to get married.
- I knew at that point.
- "Forrest Gump"!
Wait, what?
Yeah, that's "Forrest Gump,"
none of that is true.
What?
- Really, moose?
- No, don't judge me.
- Oh, my god.
- I'm going to sleep.
Really moose?
That's so funny.
I think that's a great idea.
I think we should go to bed.
I think it's a good idea
if you just stop talking.
All right?
It's ridiculous.
Jamie,
You shot me in the buttocks,
lieutenant Jamie.
I see what we did.
I might not be a smart man,
but I know a box of chocolates
when I see...
No, that's not even close.
That's not a quote of dialogue
from that movie.
Guys! Guys, wake up!
Oh, this better be good, Steve.
- What?
- Ow!
Listen. He moans.
What moans?
Oh, shit, that's him.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, give me a break.
- You don't hear that, moose?
- No.
- You getting that?
- Oh, yeah,
he's howling all right.
So, Bigfoot's the only thing
that howls in this forest.
Moose, that is the howl,
of the very beast
we're looking for.
Mickey, stop pointing
that thing in my face
every time you hear a noise.
- I'm sorry!
- Shh.
This is stupid.
Shh.
What are you, librarians?
- That is definitely him.
There's absolutely
no way that could be Bigfoot.
I'm Bigfoot.
- Oh, oh, come on!
- That's him!
- That's Bigfoot!
- That's ridiculous.
I'm getting out of here!
- Please, no, Steve.
- Let me out of here.
I wish to see him
with my own eyes!
- No, it's not safe.
- We've come this far!
- It's ridiculous.
- I can't leave!
- Get off of me.
- Shut up.
Unless something
unzips this tent,
y'all better not wake me up.
Good night.
He can't get in here,
Steve, can he?
Yeah, probably, if he wants
to get in, he can get in.
Mickey, it's very,
very unlikely, okay?
Yeah, it's probably unlikely,
just listen to Jamie.
Just in case, Jamie, can I sleep
- in your sleeping bag?
- No.
- Okay.
- Wow.
Oh, that was exciting.
How can you guys
get back to sleep?
I'm gonna leave this camera on
just in case it catches
any more audio.
Shh.
Stop it, Mickey!
Sorry, I get restless
hands syndrome.
I left all my medicine at home.
- Jamie.
- Jamie.
He's here.
I know he's here.
Stalking us.
Taunting us.
Toying with us.
The very hairs on the back of
my neck are always at attention
because I know at any given
second he can show himself.
I have to be ready.
I've been waiting
for this life-changing moment
- for as long as I can remember.
Oh, what was that?
Show yourself!
I'm here!
I'm ready!
Show yourself, you monster!
You beast!
Oh, oh! Jamie!
- Hi, Steve!
- Hi.
What are you doing
out here on your own?
- You know the rules?
- Of course I know the rules.
I made them up.
I was just trying for a
stealth-like approach, that's all.
Oh, any luck?
Luck has nothing
to do with it, Jamie.
Luck is chance.
A wish or a hope
based on some imminent
sense of defeat.
That's not what this is.
This is fate.
We are here for a reason.
Destiny.
We are destined to be here.
To find him.
Luck is a maybe, and we are
definitely going to find him.
Do you understand?
Uh, yes?
Good.
Come on! Let's go rally
the troops.
- Are we rolling?
- Yup, why?
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna do what Steve does.
Talk and stuff.
Numbers, equations, facts.
Why would you do that?
You're bad at it.
Oh, yeah?
How's this for bad?
We're at latitude 10-6 Harvard.
It is cloudy, fog.
Footprint taste... muddy.
All right, all I'm saying,
and you're proving it right now,
is that you're really
bad at this.
Okay, all I'm saying is you don't have
to say how you feel all the time,
'cause it hurts peoples'
feelings sometimes.
- What are you guys doing?
- Oh, man.
Mickey thinks
he found a footprint.
I did find it.
Steve, you can see it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
What do you think?
- Good work, Mickey.
- That could be anything.
A footprint this large
could only belong to one thing.
- A large man.
- -You really think so, Steve?
- It must be.
- Hey, I have one question.
- Why is there only one footprint?
- What do you mean?
Well, every time someone finds a
big footprint, there's only one,
I mean, is there some sort
of one-legged gimp gorilla
- hopping around somewhere? -Yeah,
that's a good question, Steve.
Is there a one-legged gimp
gorilla just hopping around?
Don't you see, Mickey?
Don't you all see
what he's doing?
Hopscotch?
- He's playing with us. -Oh, my
gosh, give me my money now.
There's a very good reason very
few people ever get a glimpse.
A Bigfoot gets big
because he's never caught.
He knows we're on the hunt.
And... he knows
we know he's close.
He wails, he moans.
I know he's here, but where?
Goddamn it, where?
The very scent of his mangy hair
will forever lie
in the nostrils I call my own.
The very moan he taunts me with
will haunt me for an eternity.
- I must find him, I must.
- Hey, Steve?
You better check yourself
before you wreck yourself, man.
I should go get measurements.
Hey, Steve, how do you come up
with those speeches, man?
What speeches?
- Hey, Mickey!
- Hey, Jamie.
- Hey.
- Hey, you want one?
- No, thanks.
- Not too mushy.
No, thanks. Hey, you
ever read "Moby dick"?
What is that? No.
- You know? "Moby dick"?
- What is that?
- Captain Ahab. -Sounds like
some sort of a gay comic book?
- The adventures of captain dick.
- What? No, Mickey.
- The white whale? -Are you
making this up right now?
Oh, my god.
Never mind.
But, Jamie, we can
read it together.
Hey!
Yeah?
Hey, you want me to grab it?
Moose, I really need
to talk to you.
Oh, yeah, you wanna go
in the tent and get a little bit
- more comfortable? -Jesus, I'm
surrounded by idiots and assholes.
Ooh, that would be a good
band name, right?
Here to the stage,
idiots and assholes
look, I need to talk to you
about Steve.
Hey, Jamie, if you ever
wanna go to a concert,
we can go to the old OG,
the olive garden,
get a little meal,
have a little bit of wine,
maybe have a midnight kiss.
I'm not sure. I don't know
what's gonna happen after that.
That sounds like a great plan.
Oh, my god.
Enough! Enough!
All right?
I'm so sick of you guys
trying to bang me or whatever.
- It's bang.
- Jesus.
It's like you've never
seen a girl before.
- None as pretty as you.
- Well, you know what?
I have news for you, all right?
I'm gay.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- I'm gay.
- I'm a lesbian.
- Wait, you're a gay lesbian.
Oh, so that cross cancels,
so you're actually straight.
- Game on. -No, I don't...
i don't like guys.
Okay? You get it?
But you tickle some guys.
You know what? I really wanna
punch you in the face right now.
- Bring it.
- Wow!
- A lesbian.
- Full lesbian.
Did not see that one coming.
- Challenge.
- Accepted.
Gonna turn this one around.
- Yeah.
- Bomber.
- She's not a lesbian. -No, not at all.
What is she thinking?
Hey, Jamie could you help me
out real quick?
- No, way in hell.
- Oh.
Tough love. Love it.
All right! I'll do it myself.
Here we go.
Set this on up.
Um, heat vision off,
night vision off, excellent.
Tightening, good.
Here we go.
Action.
Hey, everybody! This is assistant
captain Mickey over here.
Soon to hopefully be
captain Mickey,
and I'll tell you why.
Found a footprint the other day,
yup, moving on up in the world.
Next thing you know
I'll probably have a girlfriend
or something serious like that.
Yeah, the group, we're traveling
about 3.5 miles an hour.
Precipitation in the clouds
is about 33%, which is good.
It's above average,
and I like that.
Are we gonna Bigfoot?
Let me ask you something?
Does this look like
the face of a man
who's not gonna find Bigfoot?
What do you see
when you look at this?
You see determination.
You see power.
Maybe see a guy
who's a little hungry.
We've not really had
a lot of meals lately,
but, above all, you see someone
who's gonna make it happen.
This is captain Mickey
signing out.
Jamie, what do you think?
Were you happy with that?
Uh, yeah. What do you think?
Yeah, it looked great.
Okay, so we've got
a few more miles to cover.
I just hope everyone
comes out of this alive
and with their sanity.
Hey, have you guys
seen my gummy bears?
I had a couple of packs left.
No, I haven't.
Hey, moose, have you seen
my gummy bears, man?
Huh?
- What are you doing?
- Oh, no.
Just checking out the trail.
It's all uphill, dude.
You went in my bag,
and you stole this.
Dude, I'll buy you some more.
Mickey, Jesus, really?
You don't get it, do you?
No, I don't.
They're like $2 a pack.
I'll get you more.
I would never
do this to you, moose.
Are you serious right now?
I thought you
were my friend, man.
I am your friend.
Mick, come on, dude!
Mickey!
Asshole.
Okay, guys, we're going north.
Let's pack up.
We're close.
- Are we rolling yet?
- Always.
Good. I feel like something's
gonna happen any minute.
Don't stop shooting.
Here they come to the stage,
idiots and assholes,
- come on, Mickey!
- Shh. Be on alert.
Shut up, Steve.
Remember, don't stop shooting.
We're close. I can...
- Uh, are those night vision binoculars?
- No.
Not at all.
I can't see anything,
Okay, maybe you should
rest for a second.
- Did Columbus rest, Jamie?
- Yeah, probably.
Hey, Mickey,
come on, man, you can't
sleep out here tonight.
Dude, don't ignore me,
it's rude.
Shh, maybe he's sleeping.
I'm not sleeping.
I just don't talk to thieves!
Uh, come on, this is ridiculous.
It's gonna be cold out tonight.
Fine, look, I'll stay
out here tonight.
You shouldn't have to.
Did you hear me, man?
I said I'll stay out here.
Good.
You find your balance.
Oop, oh! I saw that coming.
- Get up. -Look, no, I don't
want a thief to help me up.
- Jamie? Was that you helping me up?
- No, that was moose.
Don't touch me!
Get your filthy thieving
hands off of me!
They're not on you.
- Jamie, is he touching me?
- No.
- Do you wanna touch me?
- Good night, Mickey.
Good night, Jamie.
Dickhead.
Here.
- Thanks, Mickey. Well, jeez.
- F you.
You know, moose,
I think we all need some rest.
He needs to not be mad at me.
I mean, oh, my god,
the world's gonna end
because I ate a couple
of his gummy bears.
You stole them!
Oh, you know what?
We get it, dude.
I just wanna go home.
We all do.
Well, some of us.
Aw, come on, you guys
aren't gonna miss this?
All the fresh air,
the thrill of the hunt?
Huh? Chasing after history?
This whole bonding experience?
The instinct of human survival
coursing through our bodies?
No. I'm not gonna miss
any of that. None of it.
Fresh air, maybe.
I love it right here.
Nature.
Living off the land.
Just like life
was intended to be.
This is it right here.
Dude, Steve, we had Capri
suns for lunch, man.
Capri suns.
Whoa! What was that?
Did you hear that?
Sorry, Steve.
Oh, yeah, okay, I smell that.
- Good one, buddy.
- Wow.
- I'm not your buddy.
- Oh, you're talking to me now.
No, I'm not!
Okay, well, at least we're
headed in the right direction.
We still have
a couple miles left.
Tomorrow morning
we'll head that way.
Guys, I hope you're prepared
for what's about to happen.
Our lives are totally
gonna change.
The one thing
that will be synonymous
with Bigfoot from here on out
will be our names.
I can feel it.
He's close.
I wouldn't be surprised
if he was right over there.
Ah, over there somewheres.
Who are you supposed to be
Michael Joneses?
- Over there somewheres.
- Somewheres.
Those guys were nuts.
Yeah, remember when that guy
tried to kill us?
Oh!
I hope that was Bigfoot.
No, no, it definitely
wasn't him.
It didn't sound like him.
- Okay, I'm going to sleep.
- Me, too.
- -Uh, me, three, yep, let's all get in the tent.
Hey, guys,
I was just thinking...
Hey! Don't let him in here!
Come on, Mickey,
it's gonna be cold out,
like sub zero temperature.
Sorry, moose, maybe next time
you'll keep your grubby
paws to yourself.
- Grubby?
- -You'll be okay, probably.
Hey, Jamie, grubby paws,
that was a good one.
Thanks, Mickey.
All right, lights out.
Dude, I think I heard
something out here.
- Oh, it was nothing.
- Yeah, yeah.
Good night everybody
in the tent.
Good night, dudes and dudette.
It's so nice out here because
of the nice gentle breeze.
- It's like a blanket.
- Reel 'em in.
Oh, dude, a night rainbow.
Oh, there's a total
night rainbow out here.
It's like a complete arch.
Hey, moose, keep it down,
we're trying to go to bed.
Oh, I'll keep it down,
but you have to keep talking
cause the night rainbow will go away
if you don't keep talking to it.
Me and my blood brothers
were thrown into sea.
Then we're 20,000 leagues down
when we find Atlantis.
And then Bruce Willis is like
the president of Atlantis,
and he's like, dudes, you guys
gotta get Atlantis back up
to the earth.
And like we are on earth.
And he's like,
"what? This is earth?"
I'm just spitballing,
so, this is...
Moose, seriously, go to sleep.
But one more...
One more thought.
Jeff Goldblum is like
the secretary of state
in Atlantis,
and he's like, I'm gonna upload
a virus to Atlantis,
- and then Atlantis...
- Shh.
Okay, so it's been kinda quiet
the last couple days,
so I'll just give
a quick update.
Mickey's still pissed at moose.
They're not talking.
It's actually kinda sad, really.
And Steve goes into
this random psycho mode.
I'm kinda worried about
what's gonna happen to him
after we leave this place.
Oh, and uh, Steve, I know
you're gonna hate me,
but, uh, yesterday
I thought I saw something.
It was like a...
Well, I can't really say
for sure what it was, but...
God, I don't know.
I didn't wanna say anything,
but maybe I'm losing
my mind, too.
- Anyway, until next time.
- Let me go! I saw it.
- This is captain Jamie signing off.
- I saw it, dude.
- He was right there. -God, I'm don't
really like the sound of that.
- Hey, Steve?
- What?
- You wanna maybe stop and set up?
- No.
- Get some rest? -We have a
lot of ground to cover.
Yeah, I know we do,
but we're all pretty tired.
Yeah, dude, and I'm hungry.
Well, why don't you eat
more gummy bears!
Mickey, quiet! Did you just
throw a pine cone at me?
- If I had a grenade you would have blown up.
- Stop! Relax!
- A grenade?
- God.
Fine, you wanna rest,
we can rest.
Hey Mickey, you wanna
go get some wild tracks?
Sure.
Steve, can we talk for a second?
Moose, why are you not shooting?
I told you you need to be
rolling this whole time.
Okay.
Hey, Steve, am I an asshole?
Moose, the word asshole can mean
so many different things.
Yeah, but what's
Mickey's problem?
I mean, it's just
gummy bears, right?
Not to him.
He loves gummy bears.
That's his thing.
It brings him joy.
Yeah, but that...
You didn't think about
how he'd feel, did you?
No, I didn't think
it would be a big deal.
Moose, remember when you were
seven or eight,
and you had that bike
that you loved to ride?
You would ride that thing
every morning until it got dark.
- Do you remember?
- Yeah, that chrome diamondback?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Now imagine if one
of your friends,
someone you looked up to,
someone you trusted
took that from you.
Mark Jacobson?
Oh, that happened to you?
Yeah, son of a bitch
stole my bike.
Okay, we'll, remember
how you felt?
That didn't feel good, did it?
That is what Mickey
is feeling right now.
- He looks up to you.
- Really?
Yeah, yeah, he does.
I don't know why, but...
I'll tell you why.
'Cause we're best buds.
- You are. You are best buddies.
- Yeah.
You guys are such good friends
and I think the...
- Ah! What was that?
- What's happening, dude?
Uh, a bug just went in my nose
and grabbed a piece
of my brain or...
- And flew away.
- Okay, well, look,
I'll just apologize
when he gets back.
- Cool?
- Yeah, do that.
Oh, my god, Jesus.
What the hell was...
- Hey, good work, Mickey.
- Thanks.
Just make sure you log
everything, okay?
I will.
Hey, Mick, did you get everything
you needed, the wild stuff?
Get out of here,
gummy bar stealer!
Come on, Mickey, I was a regular
mark Jacobson back there.
- You didn't deserve it. -What the
hell are you talking about, dude?
Look, man, I know
you love your gummy bears
and I shouldn't have eaten them.
I shouldn't have
stolen from you.
I just don't want you
to be mad at me anymore.
I don't have a lot
of friends, dude.
You're like my best friend.
- It was all I had left, man.
- I know, I know, Mickey,
and I promise you
I'll buy you, like, five packs
when we get back
into town, okay?
- Only five?
- No, no, not just five.
What's your favorite number?
- 47.
- 47? No, I'll buy you 10.
47, that's ridiculous.
10's cool.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So are we.
Put that away.
Come here, you lovable
son of a bitch.
Oh! It was so hard
being mad at you.
No, I know.
What's that?
You know what, Mick?
$1,000 can buy you
- a whole gummy bear factory.
- Really?
- Yeah, dude, and I was thinking,
if the market's right,
- we'd buy a castle.
- Okay.
What is he doing?
Oh, god.
Stop.
Dude, if we stop,
I'm not moving again.
- He's here.
- Hey, no offense, Steve,
but you've said that
a few times already, bud.
- He's here!
- Okay, Steve, what do you want us to do?
Did you fart, man?
It's always a possibility.
Right, I want you two
to set up camp here.
With the camera
on constant record,
set up over there, aiming
towards those trees over there.
- Copy? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We get it.
Jamie, I want you to rig
the camera up there.
And make it so that it does
a 360-degree rotation
around the surrounding area.
I want every inch
of these woods accounted for.
- Um, Steve... -and I
want it to occasionally
come down and scan our camp
when it senses movement,
motion sensors.
The beast is messing with us.
He's here,
Steve, we don't have that kind of equipment
or technology to do that, so i...
Silence! Make it happen, Jamie!
- God.
- Do it quickly. Something's coming.
Good luck with that, sweetheart.
Moose, don't.
Hey, Jamie, if you want,
I can help you with that.
- No, Mickey, I'm okay.
- I'll give you a boost or something.
No.
How's that
for 360-motion sensors?
I wish we could
just do it like this.
- I can't get it in. -No, dude, no.
Don't start on that one yet.
- Why? -Cause I don't
got this one in.
Oh, man, look at this mess
of a human being.
Dude, over there.
Get him!
You're gonna find him,
if you just keep looking around
with the camera,
you're gonna find Bigfoot.
You are crazy!
Hey, so, I think we're down
to our last battery.
Uh, I think we should
be okay, moose.
Do you think Steve's
gonna be okay?
- Oh, yeah, he'll be fine.
- Oh, god, I don't know.
Right now he's doing some sort
of a native American dance
- to help bring the beast to life.
- What?
- Look at him.
- -At least he looks good.
Uh, no he does not.
Okay, so, our Van is parked
four miles away.
- We should really start hiking early.
Yeah? -Okay.
Show yourself! Show yourself,
you bastard of a beast, you!
Okay, then, well, you know what?
I'm gonna be much happier
- when we're on the road again.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
I'm dancing for you,
you mammoth
of a monster bastard.
- What is he saying? -Hmm, sounds
like my uncle Dave at weddings.
So what are you gonna do
with your $1,000?
Oh, I'm not gonna take it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Why not? That was the deal.
I don't know.
- I feel bad.
- Well, I don't.
This two weeks has sucked.
- Oh, they've sucked, moose?
- Yeah.
Have they? Yeah.
You've had fun.
- Just admit it.
- She got you.
Stop it.
You, especially you, stop it.
Here, you know what? Whenever
I'm going to bed, take this.
- Yeah, I'm going to bed, too.
- Guys! Guys, come here!
Come quick! I found him!
I found the beast!
Okay, I'm gonna punch him
in the face.
That's it, he's dead.
He's over here!
He's glorious!
- No, he's not glorious.
- Hey, Steve?
Over here! Come quick!
- Where are you?
- I'm over here.
He's gonna get a glorious fist
in the face.
- It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!
- -What is he saying?
Oh, gosh, what is it, dude?
He's right here.
- What?
- Who?
He's right here!
- What is that?
- Is that a turtle?
- What?
- -I said, is that a turtle?
- Oh, Steve.
- No, it's Bigfoot.
- Steve, it's a turtle.
- No, it's Bigfoot!
It's the beast!
Steve, that is
a freaking turtle, man!
What do you mean?
It's Bigfoot!
No, it's a turtle!
You're... you're gone, dude.
- Where are you going?
- Captain crazy, man.
Hey, that's a turtle, Steve.
- What?
- Yeah.
Bigfoots, they're bigger,
and they don't have shells.
He's... he's a cute
little guy, at least.
But he's not Bigfoot, Steve.
I'm really sorry.
- Mickey, I found him.
- No, you didn't, Steve.
- I found him.
- You tried your best.
You tried your best, Steve.
Where are they going?
Jamie?
Oh, Steve, I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry, Steve.
It's not Bigfoot, is it?
No.
- What am I doing?
- I don't know.
Steve, maybe you're just trying
a little too hard.
I thought for sure
that this was him.
- What is this?
- -Oh, that wasn't very nice, Steven.
I'm a failure.
- I'm a joke.
- No, Steve.
You're not a failure,
and you're not a joke. Okay?
It's okay.
Hey, Steve, come on, I mean
we all came out here together.
And we had fun, right?
Steve?
You know what?
You've got a great movie.
Okay?
And... and tomorrow
we'll just go...
Can we just go back to camp?
Okay.
Sure.
Ah, the end of the road.
Wake up you miserable losers,
it's time to get
the hell out of Dodge.
- Oh, god. -But we
haven't found him yet.
Nope, it was two weeks,
right, Stevesy?
- And I'm $2,000 richer.
- $1,000.
Dude, it's two,
he's crazy. Go for it.
Moose, shut up.
Look, we gave it our best shot,
but I think it's time
we all admit
that Bigfoot
is some sort of hoax
that some guy made up
a long time ago.
Hey, just because
we didn't find him
doesn't mean he doesn't exist.
We can try again, right, Steve?
I thought this was it.
I was sure.
Hey, my friends,
I think I speak for all of us
when I say that Bigfoot
doesn't exist.
This is captain moose saying
don't stay tuned.
Shut up, moose!
Hey, Jamie, I really wish
we did find Bigfoot.
It would make me use
my gun on something.
It's okay, Steve.
You just...
Got a little...
You know what?
- I think you were an
incredible captain. -No.
- I was sure of it. We were right there.
- I know.
And, you know what?
Maybe we can even
try again sometime, huh?
Hells to the no.
Let's just start packing, huh?
Can you put that thing down
and help me?
Hey, Mickey, I'm getting
some b roll.
Butt roll?
That's not going in the movie.
- Hey, guys!
- What's he doing?
All right, Steve,
let's go, buddy.
Come on, Steve, we gotta go.
- I'm staying.
- What?
- I'm not moving.
- Steve...
Okay, this is not funny.
Get up!
You can't just stay here, Steve.
Yes, I can. Watch me.
Dude, you better start moving,
cause if you don't, I'm leaving.
And you know what, fine.
You guys just
wait here with him,
I'm done with this.
I'm outta here.
Moose.
- I'll come with you.
- Get outta here.
Steve...
You gotta
come with us now, okay?
Two weeks.
That was the plan, remember?
It was a real
nice turtle, Steve.
I'm sorry I wasted
your guys time,
but I'm staying.
I'm supposed to be here.
What should we do?
I hope you stay there, man.
I hope you get eaten by bears.
Okay, you need to think about
what you're doing here, Steve.
What are you gonna do?
Just sit in the woods and wait?
Yeah, that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
You guys should go.
Here, take this.
Steve! Steve!
- What's that?
- Huh?
Steve, you should
take a look at that.
Whatever it is, it is big.
Hey, moose! Come back here!
No, wait! I can't see
with you guys in the way!
- I'm excited and nervous right now.
- Mickey, be quiet.
As a mouse, Steve!
- Oh, my god.
- What the hell?
That's two Bigfoots banging
the shit out of each other.
Yeah, they're going at it hard.
This is incredible, Jamie,
are you getting this?
I'm definitely getting this.
- Huh, they do smell like passion fruit.
- -Yeah, you're right.
We found him. Two weeks.
But we found him.
People have spent their entire
lives searching for Bigfoot,
and to them I say, ha!
A mystery no longer!
The record books in the museum
shall forever know my name
- and I owe it all to...
- Where you going?
Jamie, where you going?
Holy shit, it's staring
straight at us.
Oh, Steve, it's staring
straight at you.
- No, no, it just wants
to communicate.
- No, Steve, you should run.
- -Definitely not.
Hi, I'm captain Steve.
We travelled a long way
to make this appearance.
- Oh! Oh! Jesus!
- Run, Steve!
Run, Steve!
I can't run,
it's very strong, Mickey.
Mickey, do something!
You do something,
you're the lesbian
- What the hell does that mean?
- I don't know!
Don't stop shooting this!
Try fighting, Steve!
I don't think you understand
how strong he is, Mickey!
I will save you!
Coming, Steve!
Ow! Ow!
I'm coming for you, buddy!
What are you doing?
Don't stop shooting!
I'm sorry! Okay.
Oh, sleeper hold.
I'm falling asleep.
No!
Mickey, where did
you get a chair?
Oh, I don't know.
Hey, Bigfoot!
Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!
Got him.
Ow! You shot me!
- Oh, shit, dude.
- Why would you shoot me?
- I'm an idiot, man.
- Oh, my god!
- Steve, are you okay?
- No!
- Oh, moose, take the camera!
- -Okay, I'm sorry.
- Mickey, help me put pressure on it.
- No, no, thank you.
- Do it!
- Okay.
Oh.
Moose, you are a terrible shot.
I wasn't even close to him.
I know, man, I'm sorry.
I had my eyes closed.
- Where did he go? -He ran right
off into the woods, Steve.
But we got it right.
We got him all on tape.
We got the whole thing!
- Really? -Yeah, well,
most of it, yeah.
Well, that should
be fine, right?
- Yeah.
- Oh, he fainted.
Oh, he is out.
Okay, guys, help me
get him out of here.
Dibs on not carrying him.
Dibs on not carrying him.
I am your captain now,
and you're gonna help me
get him out.
I'm bleeding pretty badly,
but it's all worth it.
- Yeah, good, drink this.
- We found him.
We found him.
We have hard without
a shadow of a doubt evidence
that Bigfoot does exist.
A mystery no more.
Yeah, but you look
like shit there, dude.
Steve, you're really heavy.
Because of us,
myth has become truth.
Because of us, the world now
knows the secret of Bigfoot.
- My arms are falling asleep.
- Oh, god, mine, too.
And I don't owe
this asshole any money!
I'm carrying you.
Hey, it's Willie ray!
- What?
- Well, well, well.
Looks like you found him.
That we did, Willie ray.
That we did.
He was making love
to a lady friend.
Oh, yeah, it's Friday.
Goddamn, what did he do?
Shoot you?
Oh, no, that was me.
- Hey, guys, stop here for a second.
- Aw, come on!
Willie ray, as the majestic
monster was beating my face in...
- Yeah, he's gonna do it to you.
- He looked into my eyes,
and it was right then and there
that I understood.
He wanted me to give
this to you.
Oh, see? I told you
he was good for it.
- You weren't lying.
- No, sir, I wasn't.
- Did he really give that to you, Steve?
- Yeah, he did, Jamie,
right after he punched me
in the face repeatedly.
He put it in my pocket,
but he looked me in the eyes.
Yeah, he's a good guy.
Yeah, he did beat me up
pretty good though.
Well, you know he's a little rough.
A little rough.
But at the end of the day, I just
think he's a little misunderstood.
I think that, too.
- It's times like these...
- Gosh, Jesus.
That we as a people,
as human beings must look
- in the mirror and truly...
- Okay.
- Oh!
- Oh, shit!