1
HI, MY NAME IS ABEL
AND I SAW A POS ON BLACKOUT'S FACEBOOK PAGE
THAT A DOCUMENTARY
IS BEING MADE...
...IS BEING
MADE ABOUT BLACKOU AND THAT THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO
GET IN TOUCH WITH THE FILMMAKERS.
YEAH,
THAT YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE
TO INTERVIEW, SO I WAS INTERESTED
IN SPEAKING WITH YOU GUYS.
I DON'T KNOW WHA THE FILMMAKERS
ARE LOOKING FOR,
BUT IF YOU THINK
I MIGHT BE USEFUL--
HAVEN'T BEEN TO
BLACKOUT, BUT, UH,
IT SOUNDS INTRIGUING
AND I'D LOVE
TO BE CONSIDERED.
THANKS, GUYS.
TALK TO YOU SOON. BYE-BYE.
SO, THIS WAS GOING
TO BE AN OFFICE CALENDAR
MARKING SOME DEADLINES
THAT I NEEDED TO MEE BUT IT BECAME
MY BLACKOUT CALENDAR,
WHICH IS, BASICALLY,
A COUNTDOWN
TO BLACKOUT.
AND, OF COURSE, I HAVE I IN THE CORNER OF MY OFFICE
AND PEOPLE KEEP
ASKING ME,
"WHAT ARE
THE THREE DOTS FOR?"
I USED TO WAKE UP EARLY
ON SATURDAY MORNINGS
AND THERE USED TO BE
A TV STATION
OUT OF NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA,
WE GOT THE SIGNAL FOR
AND THEY WOULD RUN
MONSTER MOVIES
AT 9:00 AM.
VERY EARLY ON, THE THING
THAT I WAS DRAWN TO
WAS THE DARK STUFF.
IT-- IT SPEAKS
TO ME.
A FRIEND OF A FRIEND,
WE WERE TALKING AT LUNCH ONE DAY
AND HE SAID, "WELL,
HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS THING
CALLED BLACKOUT?"
AND I HADN'T.
AND THEN AS SOON AS I DID
A LITTLE RESEARCH ON I I-I HAD TO EXPERIENCE IT.
I KNEW THA I HAD TO TRY THIS.
THIS IS THE
BLACKOUT WEB SITE THAT I SAW.
REALLY SCARY.
BUT AFTER LOOKING
AT THE WEB SITE
I STARTED TO HAVE
SOME SECOND THOUGHTS
ABOUT WHETHER OR NO I SHOULD DO THIS.
THE PART THA SCARED ME THE MOS WAS WHEN IT SAID
THAT I HAD TO SIGN
A RELEASE FORM
PROMISING NOT TO SUE
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG
OR, YOU KNOW,
ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS TO ME.
AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
AM I SIGNING MY LIFE AWAY
GOING TO THIS,
UH, THIS PLACE?"
EVER SINCE
I FIRST SAW THE SIGN
THAT SAID "BLACKOUT"
AND IT SHOWED
THIS WOMAN TERRIFIED
WITH THIS MASK ON
I THOUGHT--
MY MIND HAS BEEN REELING
AND I'VE BEEN THINKING
"WHAT COULD THEY
POSSIBLY DO TO ME?"
BY TELLING YOU
THAT YOU HAVE
TO SIGN A CONTRAC THEN BY TELLING YOU
THAT YOU HAVE TO GO
THROUGH IT ALONE
AND GIVE NO OTHER INFORMATION
ABOUT WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN
ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE
OF THERE,
THEY TOOK ME INTO FEAR.
YOU ARE RELEASING CONTROL
AND YOU DON'T HAVE
ANYONE TO PROTECT YOU.
THAT'S TERRIFYING.
AND I REMEMBER
ME JUS HOVERING OVER
MY KEYBOARD.
TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF
TO GO TO BLACKOUT.
AND MY THOUGHT WAS,
"IF I DON'T DO IT,
I'LL ALWAYS WONDER
WHAT IT WAS."
OH, I AM
SO FUCKING NERVOUS.
I PAID FOR THIS.
I'M NOT SCARED.
'CAUSE
I DON'T LOOK SCARED.
I AM VERY,
VERY NERVOUS.
I'M, LIKE, SHAKING.
I SEE A CAMERA ON
AND IT'S WATCHING ME.
IT'S TIME.
OH!
SO,
IT'S APPROXIMATELY 11:50 PM
AND I AM WAITING
ANXIOUSLY FOR
THAT MIDNIGHT E-MAIL
TO COME.
I JUST GO AN E-MAIL FROM BLACKOUT.
THE E-MAIL IS...
SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE
THEY'RE IN KIND OF,
LIKE, A WOODEN COFFIN
WITH A BAG
OVER THEIR HEADS.
AND THERE'S, LIKE,
SPIDER WEBS EVERYWHERE.
IT'S ACTUALLY
REALLY CREEPY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
I WOULD DEAL WITH BEING
UNDRESSED WITH A BAG
OVER MY HEAD.
I AM, MYSELF,
A RECOVERING ADDICT.
I WAS ADDICTED
TO INHALANTS.
WHEN I WAS USING INHALANTS I
WOULD HALLUCINATE BUGS EVERYWHERE.
IT IS GONNA BE NERVE-RACKING
THAT I WON'T KNOW
WHERE EXACTLY I'M GOING
UNTIL THE NIGH BEFORE I'M GOING.
THE FACT THA THEY'RE KEEPING IT SECRE IS ADDING TO MY DREAD
BECAUSE IT KINDA
GIVES ME THE IMPRESSION
THAT MAYBE THESE PEOPLE
HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE.
WELL, I THOUGH MY NERVOUSNESS
HAD TURNED INTO EXCITEMEN THIS MORNING
'CAUSE I AM EXCITED
'CAUSE BLACKOU IS TONIGHT.
I-I'VE LITERALLY
LEFT MY HOME THREE TIMES.
I FORGOT MY CAR-- I LEFT--
LOST MY CAR KEYS ONCE.
I'VE FORGOTTEN THINGS TWICE...
WHY ARE YOU
GOING THROUGH WITH THIS?
I KNOW IT SOUNDS
SILLY, BUT...
I-- UH, NO-- IT'S JUST THAT,
YOU KNOW, WE ALL LIVE ONCE
AND I GUESS
WE ALL WANT TO--
WE ALL WANT TO DO SOMETHING
THAT'S A LITTLE
RISK-TAKING OR SCARY,
YOU KNOW, ONCE IN A WHILE.
AND, I GUESS,
MAYBE, YOU KNOW,
FOR MOST PART OF LIFE
HAS BEEN PRETTY BORING
AND THAT'S WHY...
WE DO THIS.
THEY DID ASK WHAT WERE
OUR PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS
AND I MENTIONED
THAT I HAVE BAD KNEES
AND THAT I CAN
SUFFOCATE EASILY
WHEN A PLASTIC BAG
IS PUT OVER MY HEAD.
WALKING OUT OF A
BUSINESS MEETING AT NIGH THREE GUYS JUMPED ME
AND THEY STOLE MY WALLET.
AND, UH,
I ENDED UP
WITH A BACK INJURY
AND I ENDED UP
WITH A NECK INJURY
AND I ENDED UP
WITH A BLACK EYE
OUT OF THE SITUATION.
SO, I HAVE BEEN THE VICTIM
OF VIOLENT CRIME.
THERE WAS SOME
RESIDUAL STUFF.
A WEEK AFTER THA I HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK.
JUST THAT WEIRD,
EMOTIONAL--
THAT COULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH
MORE SERIOUS THAN IT WAS.
THAT COULD'VE BEEN
SO MUCH MORE VIOLEN THAN IT WAS.
"I, RUSSELL CORLAN EATON,
AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION.
I WANT THE PUBLIC TO KNOW
I AM PART OF BLACKOUT.
I AM PREPARED--
I AM PREPARED
TO BE MARKED.
I AM READY
TO BE BRANDED.
I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU."
YES.
WHOA!
OH!
LORD, HELP RUSSELL BREATHE.
HELP HIM BREATHE.
HE WANTS TO BREATHE.
OPEN YOUR EYES
AND LOOK AT ME.
THAT'S IT. THERE YOU GO.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
GOOD, GOOD.
BREATHE.
BREATHE OUT.
BREATHE IN.
BREATHE OUT. OH!
OH, YOU KNOW
YOU CAN.
JUST BREATHE THROUGH MY HAND.
YOU KNOW IT'S OKAY.
YOU CAN DO IT.
WHOA.
OH, RUSSELL.
OH, HELP ME HELP YOU.
GOOD, GOOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I JUST DID.
I'M ON THE STREETS WITH NO PANTS ON.
AND I CAN'T STOP SHAKING.
HOW DO I CUT IT OFF?
MY EMOTIONS ARE...
THEY'RE IN A BI OF A TURMOIL.
I JUST WENT THROUGH BLACKOU AND...
I COME HOME...
AND SEE THAT THERE ARE...
THREE DOTS...
ON MY NECK
FROM WHERE THEY--
I MEAN,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS
BUT I THINK
I SURPRISED MYSELF
INTO REALIZING
HOW MUCH I LIKED IT.
AND I REMEMBER
GETTING ON THE METRO
AND BEING SO HYPERAWARE
OF WHAT WAS GOING ON.
ANY TIME ANYONE MOVED,
ANY TIME SOMEONE GOT ONTO THE
TRAIN OR GOT OFF THE TRAIN.
THE LINES OF THE REALITY
AND THE FICTION
WERE BLURRING.
IT'S A WEEK LATER.
THE EXPERIENCE--
I MEAN, I'VE THOUGH OF VERY LITTLE ELSE
SINCE I'VE GONE
THROUGH IT.
IT LEFT A HUGE IMPRESSION
ON ME.
I KINDA WANNA GO BACK
WHICH, YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN TRAUMATIZED
AND I KINDA WANNA GO BACK
TO MASTER IT,
TO DO IT AGAIN,
TO SEE WHAT I COULD DO BETTER.
AFTER I WENT THROUGH BLACKOU I DID FIND
THAT THERE WAS
A LEVEL OF ANXIETY
SOMETIMES
AT NIGH AND I DID HAVE
A FEW NIGHTMARES
WHERE FRAGMENTS
OF THE EXPERIENCE
WOULD COME BACK.
IT'S ABOU 4:00 AM IN THE MORNING.
AND I JUST WOKE
FROM A VERY ODD DREAM
WHICH I KNOW
IS BLACKOUT-ORIENTED
AND IT WAS
COMPLETELY DISORIENTING.
THAT THREAT OF VIOLENCE
STAYED WITH ME FOR DAYS
AND IT REALLY
TICKLED SOMETHING
IN THE DEEP RECESSES
OF MY BRAIN.
LIKE, "OKAY,
I'M PLAYING WITH FIRE,"
AND, SOMEHOW,
IT FELT REWARDING.
I DID THINK
ABOUT IT A LO AND THE FAC THAT IT WAS SUCH
A HEAVY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE
AND I WANTED TO GO
BACK AND HAVE IT AGAIN.
- OH!
- COME ON! COME ON!
- OKAY.
- COME ON!
THREE, TWO, ONE!
RUN, RUN!
RUN TO THE RIGHT!
TO THE RIGHT!
RUN! RUN!
RUN, GODDAMN IT!
RUN TO THE DOOR,
YOU FUCKER!
- GO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! GO. RUN!
- WHAT?
RUN. RUN.
ON THE GROUND!
ON YOUR BACK!
ON THE GROUND.
ON YOUR BACK.
UNDER THIS STAIR, BUSTER.
UNDER THIS FUCKING STAIR.
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO US?
YOU SAID, "I WANNA BE A PART OF THIS.
- THAT I WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW--
- YES.
...THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH
BLACKOUT.
THAT BLACKOU IS PART OF ME
AND I'M A PART OF BLACKOUT."
- OH, GOD!
- AND I'M PREPARED TO BE BRANDED!
- OH, GOD!
- I'M PREPARED TO BE MARKED.
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT!
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT.
EVERYBODY'S GONNA KNOW.
I AM PART OF YOU
AND YOU ARE PART OF US.
FOREVER. IT'S DONE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
JUST HAPPENED.
THEY TOOK THA TO AN EXTREME
WHICH...
I, ACTUALLY...
DON'T KNOW
IF I WAS PREPARED FOR.
SO, I'VE HAD ABOUT, UH,
I THINK-- I THINK
IT'S BEEN ABOU AN HOUR AND A HALF
TO, UM--
NO. YEAH. ABOUT THAT--
TO DECOMPRESS
AND CALM DOWN A BIT.
THEY ARE MASTERS
AT GETTING UNDER YOUR SKIN
AND INTO YOUR HEAD
AND PLAYING
WITH WHAT'S THERE.
YOU KNOW, AND, OH,
BY THE WAY
IF I-- I THINK
YOU CAN PROBABLY SEE
THAT I-- THERE ARE THREE DOTS
ON MY HEAD.
THAT WAS THE GIF FROM BLACKOUT.
THEY ARE A PERMANENT MARKER.
THANK YOU, BLACKOUT.
THANK YOU.
WHO ARE THE PEOPLE
WHO CREATED BLACKOUT?
I THINK THE PEOPLE
WHO CREATED BLACKOU HAVE GOT TO BE
SICK FUCKS.
THEY MUST LOVE
TO TORTURE PEOPLE
BUT THEY ALSO MUST LOVE
TO SEE HOW PEOPLE REAC TO CERTAIN SITUATIONS.
THIS IS AN EXPLORATION
INTO FEAR,
AN EXPLORATION
IN TERROR,
AN EXPLORATION
INTO THE HUMAN PSYCHE.
SO I THINK THEY ARE TRYING
TO DO SOMETHING
EXPLORATIONAL--
SOMETHING ALMOST SCIENTIFIC.
I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
REALLY INTENSE
ABOUT THIS CHAIR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND THEN WHEN I GET READY
FOR THE STRANGULATION
IT WAS SORT OF LIKE,
"OKAY.
HERE WE GO."
I WOULD DEFINITELY
SAY THAT BLACKOU IS A FORM
OF PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE.
THEY WANNA DO THINGS
THAT MAKE YOU
NOT FORGET ABOUT I FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
THEY WANT YOU TO HAVE
A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE.
SO, THEY HAVE TO BE
AT LEAS A LITTLE BIT SADISTIC
IN ORDER TO DO THIS.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS
WERE DONE FILMING.
IS THIS GONNA KEEP GOING?
- WE'RE DONE FOR THE DAY, GUYS.
- WE'RE DONE.
SO, I JUST GOT ONE
OF MY E-MAILS FROM BLACKOUT.
"UPON RECEIP OF THIS E-MAIL FILL OU THE QUESTIONNAIRE BELOW
AND SEND IT BACK TODAY.
"FULL NAME,
CURRENT MAILING ADDRESS,
HEIGHT, WEIGHT,
BLOOD TYPE.
WHAT RITUALS,
MENTAL AND/OR PHYSICAL
DO YOU PERFORM
ON A DAILY BASIS?
DO YOU EXHIBI ANY SUPERSTITIOUS BEHAVIORS?
DO YOU HAVE
OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS?"
- OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS?
- I HAVE O.C.D.
I HAVE
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER.
I'VE BEEN DIAGNOSED
OF HAVING
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
DISORDER.
I DIVULGED TO BLACKOU THAT I DO HAVE ISSUES
DEALING WITH FAILURE.
A LOT OF THOUGHTS
ABOUT MY POWER
AND CONTROL.
I GOT MATH,
SCIENCE, READING.
MATH, SCIENCE, READING.
AND, THEN, AS I WOULD
FINISH A SUBJECT,
MATH IS GONE.
I'D GO SCIENCE, READING, SCIENCE,
READING, SCIENCE, READING.
WHAT I WANTED
BLACKOUT TO KNOW ABOUT MY PAS WAS, YOU KNOW,
THE-- MY HISTORY OF TRAUMAS
AND PHYSICAL ABUSE,
SEXUAL ABUSE,
HISTORY
OF AN EATING DISORDER.
I HAD GONE THROUGH
A VERY LONG STRETCH
OF NOT BEING ABLE
TO FIND WORK.
I WAS EXTREMELY FEARFUL
BECAUSE OF THAT.
BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE
AN END.
THE MOST DIFFICULT QUESTION
ON THAT QUESTIONNAIRE
WAS, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE
MOVIE, "THE GAME"
IN WHICH MICHAEL DOUGLAS'
WHOLE LIFE
IS TAKEN OVER
BY A CORPORATION
AS AN ELABORATE
BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
BUT I WAS THINKING THAT,
PERHAPS, YOU GUYS
AREN'T WHOM
YOU SEEM TO BE.
I MEAN, I GREW UP
IN A FAIRLY
CONSERVATIVE PLACE.
AND I WAS ALWAYS
MUCH MORE INTERESTED
IN THEATER AND BOOKS
AND AR THAN I WAS
IN FOOTBALL
WHICH MEANT THA I WAS GAY.
AND YOU ARE, IN FACT,
PART OF BLACKOU AND I HAVE REVEALED
ALL MY SECRETS TO BLACKOUT.
AS A LITTLE BOY,
WHEN YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW
YOUR SEXUALITY
IT WAS...
DEVASTATING...
BECAUSE I JUS WANTED TO BE LIKED
AND I JUST WANTED
TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
MY GIRLFRIEND.
WHO WERE YOU
WITH LAST NIGHT?
- MY GIRLFRIEND.
- WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT?
- WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT?
- MY GIRLFRIEND.
WHERE WERE YOU
LAST NIGHT?
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?
EXPERIENCE THIS.
PUT IT INSIDE!
PUT YOUR HAND INSIDE!
"I ACCEPT THIS AS THE TEMPLE
OF MY WORSHIP."
SAY IT.
"I ACCEPT THIS
AS THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP."
SAY IT.
"I ACCEPT THIS AS THE TEMPLE
OF MY WORSHIP."
- SAY IT.
- "I ACCEPT THIS
AS THE TEMPLE
OF MY WORSHIP."
"I ACCEPT THIS
AS THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP."
KEEP GOING,
"I ACCEPT THIS
AS THE TEMPLE
OF MY WORSHIP."
FUCKING SAY IT!
"I ACCEPT THIS AS THE TEMPLE
- OF MY WORSHIP."
- AGAIN. HARDER.
LOUDER.
LOUDER. LOUDER!
SCREAM IT!
"I ACCEPT THIS AS
THE TEMPLE OF MY WORSHIP."
"I ACCEPT THIS A THE TEMP--"
GO, GO, GO, GO.
- TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND PUT YOUR PANTS ON.
- TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING SHOES!
- PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON.
- RIGHT NOW!
TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES
AND PUT ON YOUR PANTS.
TAKE 'EM OFF!
- TAKE 'EM OFF!
- OKAY.
- PUT YOUR PANTS ON.
- OKAY!
COME ON, LET'S GO, YOU STUPID
PIECE OF SHIT!
PUT YOUR PANTS ON!
FASTER! FASTER!
LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!
I-- I'M DONE. I-I-I AM.
I'M-- THEY FUCK
WITH YOU AND THEN
YOU'RE-- YOU'RE DONE.
I-I'M NOT--
I GET IT.
I GET IT.
THAT'S IT.
I DID IT.
ALL RIGHT.
I-I THINK,
DEEP DOWN, WHAT I WAN IS I WANT SOMETHING
INTENSE ENOUGH
THAT I WANT THEM
TO PUSH ME TO THE POIN WHERE I WANT OU BUT THAT I CHOOSE
NOT TO.
I-- THAT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE
I WANNA OVERCOME SOMETHING.
I LIKE DARK MATERIAL.
IT'S WHERE I GO
FIND PLEASURE.
I FIND I A HEALTHY THING FOR ME.
I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE
HEALTHY FOR EVERYONE
BUT I THINK
IT'S HEALTHY FOR ME.
BECAUSE I KNOW
THAT THERE'S DARK STUFF
IN MY PAST.
I KNOW THERE'S, YOU KNOW,
TRAUMAS THAT I HAVE LIVED
THROUGH EMOTIONALLY.
THE DARK STUFF, FOR ME?
UM...
THERE WAS SOME DARK--
I KEEP GOING
TO THE WORD DARK--
UH...
THERE'S BEEN SOME
UNPLEASANT TIMES
WHEN I WAS A CHILD AS--
GROWING UP.
I GREW UP
IN THE SHADOW
OF A REALLY
REBELLIOUS SIBLING
AND THE WAY THAT I...
DECIDED TO REACT TO THA IS I WAS GONNA BE
THE GOOD KID.
I WAS ALWAYS
THE GOOD STUDENT.
I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE
WHO BROUGHT HOME THE "A'S."
I WAS ALWAYS THE-- AND THAT WAS
MY WAY OF TRYING TO KEEP PEACE.
SO, I'M SENSITIVE TO RULES,
ACTUALLY.
I ALWAYS WANNA FOLLOW
THE RULES.
IT'S BUILT INTO ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO
ON FROM THERE.
GET UP! GET UP!
GET UP!
STAND BEHIND
THE LIGHT BULB
AND FACE ME!
TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.
LEAVE 'EM ON THE FLOOR.
FASTER!
DON'T MAKE ME
WAIT FOR YOU!
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
LET'S GO! MOVE IT!
FACE ME.
NO!
WALK. WALK.
GET IN!
TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES NOW.
RIGHT NOW!
CLOTHES OFF NOW!
ALL OF IT! GO!
YOU GOTTA GO FASTER.
YOU ARE FUCKING UP.
GO! GO! ALL OF IT. NOW!
ALL OF IT, GODDAMN IT! ALL OF IT!
AND IT WAS...
IT WAS, UM...
THERE WAS
A MOMENT WHERE
I RECOGNIZED THE VOICE
AND THE VOICE
JUST SAID, "BREATHE."
BECAUSE THEY KNEW HOW
VULNERABLE I WAS FEELING.
THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED
THAT THERE WAS EXPLORATION
THAT COULD BE DONE AND THAT WAS
A WAY I COULD LEARN ABOUT MYSELF.
AT THAT MOMENT,
I FEEL
THAT I BECAME PAR OF BLACKOU AND BLACKOU BECAME PART OF ME.
- YOU CAN EAT SWEETS.
- I KNOW.
I LIKE....
- THAT'S WHAT MOMMA WANTS.
- YOU LIKE THE MOVIE?
I KINDA GOT A LITTLE BORED
HALFWAY THROUGH.
- LITTLE BIT.
- I DIDN'T.
- YEAH. LEXI LOVED IT.
- YEAH.
MY WIFE IS A THERAPIS AND SHE IS A THERAPIS THAT DEALS WITH ADDICTION.
STEPHANIE,
AS AN ADDICTION THERAPIS SEES A POTENTIAL PROBLEM
WITH ME AND BLACKOUT.
AND STEPHANIE WOULD SAY,
"YOU CAN DRINK ALCOHOL, FINE.
YOU CAN HAVE SEX
WITH PEOPLE, FINE.
AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T HAVE
NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES.
AS LONG AS
IT DOESN'T ESCALATE."
SHE SEES
MY FASCINATION
WITH BLACKOU AS ESCALATING.
- "I, BOB...
- "I, BOB..."
"...AM HERE
OF MY OWN VOLITION."
"I, BOB, AM HERE
OF MY OWN VOLITION."
- LOUDER.
- "I, BOB, AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION."
"I WANT TO BE A PAR OF THIS EXPERIENCE.
"I WANT TO BE A PAR OF THIS EXPERIENCE.
"AND TO HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE
BECOME A PART OF ME."
"AND TO HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE
BECOME A PART OF ME."
WHEN I TALK
TO PEOPLE ABOUT IT,
I GET THIS EXCITEMEN IN MY VOICE
AND IN MY EYES
AND SHE HATES THAT.
"IS THIS A FETISH?
WHAT IS THIS?
WHY ARE YOU
INTERESTED IN THIS?"
SHE'S CONCERNED
THAT IT'S BECOMING
AN ADDICTION.
"I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU."
- "I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU."
- "I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU."
"I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU."
HEY, IT'S JOSH AGAIN.
SO, KRIS AND I JUST WANTED
TO CHECK IN.
SO,
I DROVE HOME THIS MORNING
AS QUICKLY AS I COULD
TO WALK IN AND FIND THIS.
WHICH IS MY INVITE,
APPARENTLY
TO THE 2014 OFFSEASON
FOR BLACKOUT.
I-I DON'T KNOW
IF I'M COHERENT ENOUGH
TO DO THIS, BUT...
MY ADVENTURE
WITH BLACKOUT CONTINUES,
I GUESS.
I JUST GOTTA FIGURE OUT A WAY
TO GET TO NEW YORK NOW.
UM...
YEAH, THIS IS,
THIS IS, THIS IS
WHAT THIS HAS BEEN
GROWING TOWARD
IS-IS JUS AN ONGOING...
CHALLENGING...
I WANTED TO EXPERIENCE
A NEW YORK BLACKOU BECAUSE I KEP GETTING THE SENSE
THAT NEW YORK
WAS A MORE INTENSE EXPERIENCE
I'M ALSO ANXIOUS
TO SEE WHAT TESTS ME
AND IF THEY ARE
GOING TO DO SOMETHING
THAT REALLY TESTS ME.
I DON'T WAN TO LIVE MY LIFE
DENYING
THAT THERE'S DARKNESS.
I HAVEN'T YET FOUND
THE DOOR THAT DISTURBS ME
THE MOS AND IF I DO SOMEDAY,
I MAY REGRET IT.
I KNOW THAT.
SHOULD WE CHANGE I FOR RUSSELL?
YES, I THINK
WE HAVE TO CHANGE IT FOR HIM.
HOW?
I THINK THE PEOPLE
LOOKING AT HIM
IS GOING TO BE
HORRIFYINGLY CREEPY.
THE FACT IS,
EVERYBODY'S WATCHING HIM.
HE'S FAILED EVERYBODY.
NOT JUST US.
THAT'S AS PERSONAL
AS YOU CAN GET FOR HIM.
AS I SAY IT,
IT FEELS ALMOST TOO MEAN.
SO, THAT NIGHT,
I STARTED NOTICING
SOME PEOPLE
FROM NEW YORK
SORT OF CREEPING
AROUND MY FACEBOOK PAGE.
AND WHAT I REALIZED
IS THESE WERE ALL PEOPLE
WHO FORMED A BI OF A MYSTERIOUS GROUP
THAT SEEMS TO BE
BY INVITATION ONLY
CALLED THE SURVIVORS.
THERE IS,
ACTUALLY, A VERY SECRE BLACKOUT SURVIVORS GROUP
THAT EXISTS
THAT ONLY ABOU TWO DOZEN PEOPLE
ARE A PART OF.
AND THEY ARE--
WE ARE
VERY SELECTIVE
ABOUT WHO WE LET IN.
MY NAME IS JOHN
AND I AM A SURVIVOR.
I WOULD SAY BLACKOU IS TESTING ME
TO SEE WHA I AM CAPABLE OF.
IT'S KIND OF SHOWN ME THA I DON'T HAVE TO BE
SO TIMID,
SO VERY CLOSED OFF.
I CAN BE MORE OPEN TO LETTING
THE UNKNOWN HAPPEN.
BLACKOUT HAS THE ABILITY
TO CHANGE YOU
IF YOU'RE WILLING
TO LET IT.
I HIGHLY BELIEVE THAT BLACKOU HAS ACTUALLY TRANSFORMED ME.
THERE'S A PART OF ME
THAT ALWAYS WANTS
THEM TO ALMOS GO INSIDE MY BRAIN
AND HAVE THEM PUSH
TO THOSE LIMITS
LIKE, AND GO PAST THEM.
TO BE ABLE TO
EXPERIENCE BLACKOU YOU HAVE TO HAVE
A DEEPER KNOWLEDGE
OF YOURSELF
OR IF YOU DON' HAVE THAT DEEPER KNOWLEDGE
OF YOURSELF,
TO GO THROUGH BLACKOU WILL ALLOW YOU TO GAIN
THAT DEEPER KNOWLEDGE.
SO, I'M ONLY A COUPLE MINUTES
AWAY FROM MEETING
THE NEW YORK PEOPLE.
SO, I'M JUST WALKING AROUND
A PARK
WAITING
FOR THE RIGHT TIME.
IT SEEMS A LITTLE ODD
THAT I WAS GIVEN
AN ADDRESS AND A TIME
AND TOLD TO SHOW UP--
VERY, VERY BLACKOUT.
I WAS REALLY EXCITED
BECAUSE I HAD GONE FOUR TIMES
AND NOBODY ELSE,
NONE OF MY FRIENDS
WHO WENT ONCE
HAD THE REACTION I DID,
SO I WAS DOUBTING MYSELF.
LIKE, WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME?
WHY AM I WEIRD?
YOU HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS
WITH OTHER PEOPLE
AND THE JUDGMEN BECOMES AGAINST YOU.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU KNOW THE OLD
TOD BROWNING'S "FREAKS" REFERENCE,
"ONE OF US."
THAT'S-- THAT'S WHA I WAS HOPING TO FIND.
- AH!
- HI!
HE BRINGS GIFTS.
YES, I DO. I DO, ACTUALLY.
WOW.
- AS LONG AS IT'S GOODIES.
- YOU PEOPLE, IN PERSON.
- UH, UM--
- HELLO, INTERNET STRANGER.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M FINE. NATALIA, RIGHT?
- YES.
- GLADYS.
- YUP.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
UM--
I HAVE A TRADITION.
I HAVE FRIENDS
THAT I TRY TO MEE IN NEW YORK ABOU EVERY YEAR
OR EVERY YEAR
AND A HALF OR SO,
IT'S LIKE,
LIFELONG FRIENDS,
25-YEAR-OLD RELATIONSHIPS
AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
WE HAVE A TRADITION
IN NEW YORK
AND IT'S WHENEVER WE'RE IN
NEW YORK AT THE SAME TIME
WE HAVE TO SHARE
CHAMPAGNE TRUFFLES.
- OH-HO! COOL.
- THAT'S AN AWESOME THING TO SHARE.
I, LITERALLY,
I JUST FOUND MYSELF
OUT OF HABI BECAUSE I THOUGH I WAS MAKING FRIENDS
IN NEW YORK.
- HERE ARE CHAMPAGNE TRUFFLES.
- I CAN TOTALLY GET DOWN
WITH THIS TRADITION.
- TO CHAMPAGNE TRUFFLES.
- CHAMPAGNE TRUFFLES.
TO BLACKOUT.
TO YOU GUYS.
- YEAH!
- TO FRIENDS.
I, RUSSELL,
AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION.
I AM PREPARED
TO BE MARKED.
I AM READY TO BE BRANDED.
I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU.
- SCREAM IT!
- I GIVE MYSELF TO YOU!
WHY DO YOU MAKE ME
DO THAT, RUSSELL?
WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO THAT?
NO.
WRITE ON ME, RUSSELL.
MARK ME.
MARK ME!
MARK ME!
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE GONNA FUCKIN' DO IT!
SHUT UP!
DO WHAT I SAY. NOW, FUCKING DO IT.
PICK UP THE GUN.
PICK UP THE GUN!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
PULL THE TRIGGER.
POINT IT AT HER FOREHEAD
AND PULL THE TRIGGER.
COME ON, RUSSELL.
PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER.
STOP FUCKING UP!
POINT IT AT HER HEAD
AND PULL THE TRIGGER.
DO WHAT I SAY.
NOW, FUCKING DO IT.
- DO IT!
- NO!
STOP FUCKING UP.
FUCKING PULL THE TRIGGER.
DO IT NOW, RUSSELL.
DON'T FUCKING LET US DOWN.
JUST FUCKING
PULL THE TRIGGER!
YOU CAN NEVER GO
BACK TO THE FIRST TIME
WHEN I DIDN'T KNOW WHA I WAS GETTING INTO.
WHEN I HAD NO IDEA
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME
ONCE I CROSSED
INTO THEIR WORLD.
BUT AFTER I STARTED
GOING A FEW TIMES
IT FELT LIKE...
S&M AND IT FEL LIKE ABUSE.
I WAS SLAPPED
ACROSS THE FACE
GROSS SHIT SHOVED
INTO MY MOUTH
AND HELD
MY THROAT BACK
SO I WAS BEING PUT IN
SITUATIONS WHERE I WAS CHOKING.
THIS ISN'T A HAUNT,
THIS IS ABUSE
AND I THINK
THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE
SOME FANS OF BLACKOU WHO ARE HERE...
BECAUSE THEY DON' WANNA WALK AWAY FROM I 'CAUSE THEY WANNA BE HUR A LITTLE BIT.
I'M BACK IN LOS ANGELES.
IT'S BEEN A FEW DAYS NOW.
I MUST SAY, THAT THA ENDING WHERE YOU'RE-- YOU'RE
ASKED TO BE WITNESS TO
AND A PARTICIPAN IN VIOLENCE
WAS VERY, VERY...
DEEPLY UGLY
IN MANY WAYS.
ENCOURAGING ME
TO TAKE SOMEONE'S LIFE.
MAKES ME REALLY...
SAD.
AND I WALKED OUT...
IN A HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE MENTAL STATE.
SO, THAT--
THAT LED TO MISTRUS WITH BLACKOUT.
BECAUSE TRUS IS THE ONE THING
I HAD NEVER QUESTIONED
WITH BLACKOU AND THEY HAD
PUT ME IN A POSITION
WHERE I NOW DOUBTED THEM
AND QUESTIONED THEIR TRUST.
I FEL VERY PARANOID BECAUSE
I DID FIND A WORD-- THE
WORD ABANDON IN MY PHONE
WHICH MADE ME THINK,
"HUH.
HOW DID THA GET IN MY PHONE?"
DID BLACKOUT PUT IT THERE?
DID MY WIFE PUT IT THERE?
I WAS CONVINCED THEY
WERE BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE.
I LOOK AROUND MY HOUSE,
AND, I SWEAR,
I HAD NOT SEEN I THE DAY BEFORE.
AND, YOU KNOW, I REALIZED
I WAS PROBABLY
JUST BEING PARANOID.
AND I STARTED WONDERING
IF PEOPLE WERE
LOOKING AT MY E-MAILS
IF PEOPLE WERE LISTENING
TO MY CONVERSATIONS.
IF PEOPLE
WERE WATCHING ME.
WE ARE SEEING
IF WE COULD BRANCH OU AND MAKE
AN L.A. SURVIVOR'S GROUP,
AND I THINK
THEY'RE WANTING
TO HAVE RUSSELL
SPEARHEAD THAT.
THIS LITERALLY
CAME FROM BLACKOUT.
THEY THINK RUSSELL
WOULD BE A GOOD PERSON
TO HEAD AN L.A. VERSION
OF THE CLUB.
BLACKOUT SUGGESTING RUSSELL
TO LEAD THE L.A. GROUP
WAS LITERALLY
FROM THE MOUTH OF GOD.
THE RULES COME FROM THEM.
THEY'RE OUR TEACHER,
THE NUN THAT YOU HAVE
TO FOLLOW THE RULES,
AND SO, JUST, I'M SURE
IT CAN SEEM LIKE WE'RE A CUL BUT BLACKOUT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH OUR GROUP.
IT'S NOT CONTROLLED BY THEM
OR RUN BY THEM IN ANY WAY,
BUT WE DO TAKE
THEIR SUGGESTIONS AND FEEDBACK
REALLY STRONGLY
AND SO, IF THEY SAY SOMETHING,
WE LISTEN.
- WHAT'S UP, MAN?
- HEY! HOW ARE YOU, MAN? COME HERE.
- HEY!
- HEY! HOW ARE YOU?
- GREAT! HOW ARE YOU?
- COME ON IN. NICE TO SEE YOU.
SO, I'M IN THERE
STANDING AND IT'S PITCH BLACK
AND I'M THINKING,
"OH, MY GOD, HE JUST LEFT ME
IN THIS ABANDONED PAR OF THIS BUILDING."
I'M FREAKING OUT BECAUSE
I THINK THAT'S ONE
OF MY FEARS
IS BEING ALONE
IN SOME PLACE THAT'S ABANDONED.
AND-- HE JUST GO RIGHT ON MY FEAR.
FOR SOME REASON, I WAS JUST,
LIKE, SUPER EMOTIONAL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
IT JUST, LIKE,
I WAS SITTING ON THE BENCH
AND I WAS, LIKE, "I THINK
I'M GONNA START CRYING."
YUP.
- HELLO.
- HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?
- HI. HOW'S IT GOING?
- GOOD TO SEE YA.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU, GUYS?
- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
THE BLACKOU SURVIVORS GROUP
IS A SECRET GROUP.
WE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE OBSESSED
WITH BLACKOU AND WHO LIKE TO TALK ABOUT I AND THINK ABOUT IT.
AND WHEN I'M WITH
THE SURVIVOR'S GROUP
I FEEL UNDERSTOOD.
HOW DOES THIS
AFFECT YOU GUYS?
I CAN HONESTLY SAY
THAT IT-IT'S
BEEN THIS ALMOS TRANSFORMATIONAL THING FOR ME
AND I GET THE IMPRESSION,
TO SOME DEGREE,
THAT YOU'VE HAD
SOME OF THAT.
- OH, YEAH.
- THE THING THAT AFFECTED ME SO STRONGLY
WAS THE RELATIONSHIP
THAT WE HAD WITH THE WOMAN,
OKAY?
- YEAH!
- SHE TOLD ME TO STAND IN THE CORNER
AND THEN SHE STARTED
TO DISROBE,
SHE TOOK HER TOP OFF
AND THEN SHE GO COMPLETELY NAKED.
SHE STARTS CRYING
AND SHE GOES
- "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?"
- "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"
I DON'T WANNA DO THIS.
I DON'T WANNA DO THIS."
AND THEN I FEL LIKE SHIT.
AND THEN,
I MOVED FROM THE VICTIM
TO THE PREDATOR.
THEY STARTED EARLY ON ME.
THEY GRABBED ME
THROUGH THE DOOR EARLY
'CAUSE I WAS THERE
A SECOND TOO EARLY
AND THEY TREATED IT LIKE I
WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
- RIGHT.
- AND THEY WERE YELLING-- AND SO I WAS IN THIS
HEADSPACE OF, "OH, MY GOSH.
I'VE OFFENDED THEM.
I'VE DISAPPOINTED THEM."
WHICH YOU'RE TALKING ABOU WHAT YOU WALK AWAY
FROM BLACKOUT WITH.
YOU KNOW,
THAT'S A HUGE THING FOR ME
FROM MY CHILDHOOD
IS DISAPPOINTING SOMEONE
THAT I LOVE AND RESPECT.
AND I GOTTA ADMIT,
I LOVE AND RESPECT BLACKOU FOR WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
YOU'RE LITERALLY TALKING ABOU YOUR RELATIONSHIP
AND WHAT IT HAS CHANGED.
SO--
YEAH, I WASN'T ALLOWED
TO GO THROUGH
UNLESS
I COMPLETELY STRIPPED.
AND THEN THEY SAID,
"NOW, REMOVE ALL
OF YOUR CLOTHES."
AND I HAD TO STOP
FOR A SECOND
BECAUSE OF WHERE
MY HEAD WAS
BECAUSE WHAT I WANTED
TO SAY WAS, "WHY?"
MY FIRST THING WAS, "OKAY,
ARE THEY TRYING
TO PUNISH ME
FOR BEING A HAIR EARLY
AND DOING WHAT I WAS--"
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
"ARE THEY PUNISHING ME?"
IT WAS "ARE THEY TRYING
TO HUMILIATE ME?"
AND THEN I WENT,
"THIS IS ABOUT VULNERABILITY.
THAT'S WHA THIS IS ABOUT."
I CAN'T...
STOP THINKING ABOUT IF
THE DOCUMENTARY CREW
WAS PART OF IT.
WHAT IF THE FILMMAKERS
ARE MESSING WITH ME?
WHAT IF THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN
MESSING WITH ME?
THEY'VE ENLISTED MY WIFE,
THEY'VE ENLISTED MY FRIENDS.
SO, THEY'VE HIRED
A DOCUMENTARY CREW
TO FILM PEOPLE'S
DEEPEST AND DARKEST SECRETS
AND THEN THEY WOULD
USE THOSE AGAINST THEM.
AND IF THE DOCUMENTARY
IS NOT MY FRIEND
BUT, ALSO, IF THERE'S
SOME KIND OF
DEVIOUS PURPOSE
BEHIND THE DOCUMENTARY.
I WANNA KNOW
WHO YOU CARE ABOUT.
- I CARE ABOUT MY WIFE--
- WRONG ANSWER!
AGAIN!
WHO DO YOU CARE ABOUT?
- MY DAUGHTER.
- WRONG ANSWER!
PLEASE STOP!
OH! STOP!
YOU GET THE
MESSAGE THAT BLACKOU WAS TO TAKE PLACE
IN YOUR OWN HOME.
AND THA THEY WILL COME TO YOU,
INTO YOUR SPACE.
I THINK THE FIRST THING I THOUGH WAS A RUSH OF ABSOLUTE FEAR
BECAUSE
I DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
INVITING THEM
INTO MY HOME.
I KNOW THAT THIS
IS GONNA GE EXTREMELY INTENSE.
I KNOW THA THIS IS GONNA BE...
EXTREMELY PERSONAL
AND INTIMATE.
I'VE REACHED A POIN WHERE I ACTUALLY
DON'T WANT THEM
IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW.
I'VE REACHED THAT POINT.
THAT WAS A MOMEN THAT WAS ACTUALLY DANGEROUS
FOR ME.
GOD...
BREATHE.
BREATHE.
OH!
FU-- FU-- FU--!
HEY!
OH! NO, NO!
NO!
- RUSSELL.
- MM.
LISTEN TO ME.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?
YOUR RESPECT.
WRONG ANSWER!
OH, GOD!
I WANT YOUR LOVE!
WRONG ANSWER!
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?
I DON'T KNOW WHA I WANT FROM YOU.
RIGHT FUCKIN' ANSWER!
- HANDS DOWN!
- I DON'T KNOW!
I DON'T WANNA--
I DON'T--
THERE. GET UP!
I DON'T KNOW!
OH!
GET UP.
- GET UP!
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT FROM YOU.
- GET UP.
- I DON'T KNOW!
GET ON YOUR KNEES.
GET ON YOUR KNEES.
- GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES!
- YES.
LOOK UP. DOWN.
LOOK UP!
LOOK UP!
HE TOOK SOMETHING
FROM YOUR KITCHEN.
- IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
MY STOMACH
IS TOTALLY UPSET.
I CAN'T KEEP ANYTHING
DOWN, BUT I NEED SOMETHING.
I'VE BEEN HAVING
A LOT OF NIGHTMARES.
EVERY FUCKING NIGHT NOW.
I KEEP THINKING
WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED
IF I'D NEVER ANSWERED
THE DOOR
WHEN THEY KNOCKED
THREE TIMES.
I THINK ABOUT THAT A LOT.
I WAS IN BED
AND I WAS ASLEEP
AND I SHOULD'VE BEEN UP.
THE WARNINGS WERE THERE
AND I SHOULD'VE RAN AWAY,
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN
WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
BUT WHAT WOULD YOU
HAVE DONE, BOB, HUH?
- WHAT DID YOU DO?
- IT WASN'T--
WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHAT DID YOU DO?
- WHAT DID YOU DO?
- I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
SHUT UP!
THE THING THAT YOU FORGE IS THAT I SECRETLY
FUCKING ENJOY THIS.
DOWN! IF YOU ARE
SMART AT ALL
YOU'D LET US
FUCKING LEAVE.
- NO.
- SHUT UP!
AND THEN YOU'D GO BACK
TO YOUR STUPID FUCKING LIFE.
YOU MIGHT BE HAPPY.
YOU MIGHT BE CONTEN FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA MATTER--
NONE OF IT MATTERS.
BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA TURN,
BOB,
AND YOU'RE GONNA FOCUS
ON THE DARKNESS.
FROM THE MOMEN THAT YOU WAKE UP
TILL THE MOMEN THAT YOU FUCKING FALL ASLEEP
THERE IS NOTHING ELSE.
LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!
IT IS WHAT YOU ARE.
IT IS WHAT WE ALL ARE.
LOOK AT ME!
THAT IS WHEN YOUR REAL
FUCKING NIGHTMARES WILL START.
DOWN!
ALL THE WAY DOWN!
I, ROBERT EDWARD GLOUBERMAN,
AM HERE OF MY OWN VOLITION.
OH, FUCK.
FUCK, FUCK!
- OH, FUCK!
- GO! GET IN. ON THE FUCKING BED!
ALL RIGHT, RUSSELL.
LOOK AT ME.
LOOK IN THE EYES.
I WANT YOU
TO REPEAT AFTER ME.
I WANT YOU
TO TAKE AN OATH.
I, RUSSELL CORLAN EATON.
I, RUSSELL CORLAN EATON.
AM HERE
OF MY OWN VOLITION.
AM HERE
OF MY OWN VOLITION
I WANT THIS EXPERIENCE
TO BECOME A PART OF ME.
I WANT THIS EXPERIENCE
TO BECOME A PART OF ME.
- I WANT THE PUBLIC TO KNOW I AM PART OF BLACKOUT.
- I WANT THE PUBLIC TO KNOW
THAT I AM PAR OF BLACKOUT.
- I AM PREPARED...
- I AM PREPARED...
TO STOP CARING
WHAT OTHERS THINK.
TO STOP CARING--
TO STOP CARING
WHAT OTHERS THINK.
I AM READY
TO ACCEPT MY FAILURE.
SAY IT!
I AM READY TO ACCEP MY FAILURE.
I AM READY TO ACCEP MY FAILURES.
I WILL NOT BE A COWARD.
I WILL NOT BE A COWARD.
TOMORROW,
I BREAK MY ROUTINE.
TOMORROW,
I BREAK MY ROUTINE.
TOMORROW,
I WILL NOT NEED THIS.
TOM--
TOMORROW,
I WILL NOT NEED THIS.
TOMORROW,
I WILL NOT NEED BLACKOUT.
TOMORROW,
I WILL NOT NEED BLACKOUT.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I ATTEND BLACKOUT.
SAY IT!
SAY I OR WE WALK.
- UH--
- THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I ATTEND BLACKOUT.
- WHAT ARE YOU ASKING OF ME?
- SAY I OR WE WALK.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I ATTEND BLACKOUT.
SWEAR IT!
- I'M NOT READY.
- SWEAR I RIGHT NOW.
I SWEAR IT.
DON'T FUCKING MOVE.
"I AM PREPARED TO
STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK."
WHICH, THEY KNOW THAT I CARE
WHAT THEY THINK OF ME.
"I'M READY
TO ACCEPT FAILURE."
WHICH HAS BEEN AN ISSUE WHICH
ALSO THEY HAVE-- THEY KNOW
IS A TRIGGER POINT FOR ME.
"I'M PREPARED TO STOP WANTING
SOMETHING I CANNOT HAVE.
I'M READY TO ACCEPT THINGS
AS THEY ARE."
"I'M READY TO BE DIRTY.
I WILL NOT BE OBSESSED."
WELL, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE-- THEY'RE
TRYING TO GET ME
TO STOP BEING O.C.D.
"THIS IS MY LAST TIME
GOING THROUGH BLACKOUT."
PERHAPS THEY FEEL
I'VE GRADUATED.
I'M BUMMED THAT I CAN' GO THROUGH BLACKOUT AGAIN!
I MEAN, IS THAT REAL?
CAN I NOT GO THROUGH BLACKOUT AGAIN?
IS THAT--
IS THAT FUCKED UP?
IS THAT FUCKED UP
THAT THE MOST I--
THAT THE THING
THAT I'M MOST WORRIED ABOU IS THAT I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE
THIS EXPERIENCE AGAIN,
- THAT THAT'S IT?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I DON'T KNOW
IF THIS IS REALITY,
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS
IS SOME SORT OF MINDFUCK.
I-I FEEL AS THOUGH
I UNDERSTAND
THE FIRST PAR OF THE NOTE
AND IF THOSE
WERE THEIR INTENTIONS
THEN I FEEL LIKE
THEY'RE CLEAR
BUT, THEN, AT THE SAME
TIME, I FEEL LIKE THE NOTE
ENDS IN REJECTION.
LIKE I DID
SOMETHING WRONG.
I-I--
I WENT TOO MANY TIMES.
I LIKED IT SO MUCH,
THAT I WENT TOO MANY TIMES.
THAT THEY THOUGH IT WAS A CRUTCH.
IT FEELS LIKE THEY WERE
TRYING TO TEACH ME SOMETHING.
IT FEELS LIKE
THEY WERE TRYING TO TEACH ME
THAT THEY DID--
THAT I DIDN'T NEED THEM
ANYMORE.
THE FAC THAT THEY WOULD DO THA DURING A SHOW
PISSES ME OFF.
BECAUSE IT'S SO COWARDLY
NOT TO GET THE RESPONSE
FROM THE PERSON
YOU'RE DELIVERING
THAT KIND OF ULTIMATUM TO.
I REALLY DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO FEEL.
WE WERE NERVOUS
ABOUT DOING THE DOCUMENTARY
IN THE BEGINNING.
I THINK WE WERE
INITIALLY HESITAN TO SIT DOWN
FOR AN INTERVIEW
BECAUSE THE EXPERIENCE
SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.
OKAY.
BUT AFTER DOING
THIS FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS
WE WANTED TO SE THE RECORD STRAIGH ON A COUPLE OF THINGS.
I THINK BLACKOU IS A VERY DIVISIVE PROJEC AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE MANY
DIFFERENT FEELINGS TOWARDS IT.
A LOT OF IT NEGATIVE,
AND THAT'S FINE.
YOU KNOW,
WHEN IT STARTED IT WAS VERY CLEARLY
DESIGNED TO BE
CONTROVERSIAL,
AND IF THOSE PEOPLE ARE LIKE,
"YOU KNOW,
THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY
AND I WOULD NEVER
IN A MILLION YEARS
PAY ANYONE TO DO THAT,"
WELL, THEN, THEY SHOULDN' AND JUST CHANGE
THE CHANNEL AND MOVE ON.
THE ORIGINAL INSPIRATION
FOR BLACKOU AND FOR A LOT OF JOSH AND I'S
EARLY COLLABORATIONS
WAS TO TRY TO MAKE SOMETHING
THAT'S "INDISMISSIBLE"
THAT YOU WALK OUT OF
AND YOU CANNOT SHAKE
AND STAYS WITH YOU
FOR A LONG TIME.
IT IS ALWAYS
MORE EFFECTIVE
TO ALLOW SOMEONE
TO PROJEC THEIR OWN FEARS
AND THEIR OWN STORIES
ONTO A CANVAS
AND ALLOW THEM TO LIVE THA AND SORT OF BE
THE PERSON WHO CREATES
THE FRAME
FOR THEIR OWN FEARS
AND I THINK SORT OF EXACTLY
IN THESE MOMENTS
WHERE YOU'RE PUSHING YOURSELF
TO YOUR LIMITS
WHERE YOU LEARN CERTAIN TRUTHS
ABOUT YOURSELVES
AND THAT DEEP EXPERIENCE
BEYOND
WHAT WE WOULD'VE IMAGINED
PEOPLE
WOULD'VE HAD IN I WHEN WE STARTED OUT.
PEOPLE TEND TO BE BRAVE
AND WHEN YOU DECIDE
TO OPEN A DOOR
TO SOME FORM OF AR IN WHATEVER,
YOU KNOW, THAT IS,
YOU'RE SORT OF OPENING
A DOOR TO A WORLD
THAT YOU HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED
BEFORE
AND YOU EITHER
TAKE THAT WORLD IN
AND YOU LEARN FROM I OR YOU DON'T.
AND THE PEOPLE
THE RESPOND TO BLACKOU IN A REALLY POSITIVE WAY
TEND TO BE THE PEOPLE
THAT CAN BE BRAVE ENOUGH
TO WALK INTO I AND SAY, "I'M WILLING
TO CONFRONT THIS
AND FACE THIS.
AND, HOPEFULLY,
LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT."
AFTER THE LAS BLACKOUT I WALKED AWAY
CONFUSED AND HUR BUT...
AFTER SOME TIME,
AFTER THE ANGER SUBSIDED,
I STARTED LOOKING
AT THE OTHER STATEMENTS
OTHER THAN,
"THIS IS MY LAST TIME
THROUGH BLACKOUT."
THERE'S A PHRASE
THEY'VE SAID TO ME
IN MULTIPLE SHOWS,
THAT AS SOON AS IT'S SAID,
IT AFFECTS ME.
BUT I DON'T KNOW
IF I WANNA SAY
WHAT THE PHRASE IS.
BUT, I WILL SAY THIS...
THE REASON THA THAT SCENE EXISTED
IN MY BEDROOM,
IN MY HOME,
IS THAT PHRASE.
AND THE PHRASE...
"YOU ARE FAILING."
I SAID AFTERWARDS,
THAT WE KILLED A DEMON
THAT NIGH IN BLACKOUT.
BUT THAT SCENE
IN THE DARK
WHERE I JUS HAD TO FACE MY THOUGHTS,
I WALKED OU A STRONGER PERSON.
THAT'S PRETTY
DAMN BEAUTIFUL.
DARK MOON
OH, WAY UP HIGH
UP IN THE SKY
OH, TELL ME WHY
OH, TELL ME WHY
YOU'VE LOS YOUR SPLENDOR
DARK MOON
WHAT IS THE CAUSE
YOUR LIFE WITHDRAWS
IS IT BECAUSE
IS IT BECAUSE
I'VE LOST MY LOVE
MORTALS HAVE DREAMS
OF LOVE'S
PERFECT SCHEMES
- BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE
- GIVE MYSELF TO YOU.
THAT LOVE WILL
SOMETIMES BRING
A DARK MOON
OH, WAY UP HIGH
UP IN THE SKY
OH, TELL ME WHY
OH, TELL ME WHY
YOU'VE LOS YOUR SPLENDOR
DARK MOON
WHAT IS THE CAUSE
YOUR LIFE WITHDRAWS
IS IT BECAUSE
IS IT BECAUSE
I'VE LOST MY LOVE
DARK MOON
WHAT IS THE CAUSE
YOUR LIFE WITHDRAWS
IS IT BECAUSE
IS IT BECAUSE
I'VE LOST MY LOVE