1
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Come on. Let's go.
Wait a minute!
You can't just return them.
They said I wasn't a good fit.
There'll be another family, Michelle.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, come on! Wait a minute!
What's the matter with me?
Not a thing, Michelle.
God's children are all perfect.
In their own way.
(ROCK BALLAD PLAYING)
Fuck you!
Never lose hope, Michelle.
There's a family out there for everyone.
Come on, Agnes. Families are for suckers.
Don't worry about me. I don't need anybody.
I'm going straight to the top.
Michelle. Michelle?
AUDIENCE CHANTING: Michelle! Michelle!
- Michelle!
- SISTER ALUMINATA: Michelle?
MALE ANNOUNCER: She's the CEO
of three Fortune 500 companies
and the best-selling financial author
of Money Talks, Bullshit Walks.
The one, the only, Michelle Darnell!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Who wants to make some money?
(MAN SHOUTING)
I can't hear you, Chicago!
Get those hands up!
Come on! There we go!
(RAPPING) MD going in on the verse
'Cause I never been defeated
And I won't stop now
Keep your hands up, put 'em in the sky
For the homies didn't make it
and my folks locked down
I never went nowhere
They're saying 'Chelle's back
Blame it on the conjure
They call it M.D.-ac
Can't never count me out
Y'all better count me in
Got twenty bank accounts
Accountants count me in
Make millions every year
The Chi's champion
'Cause all I do is...
MALE ANNOUNCER: Give it up for T-Pain!
All I do is win, win, win no matter what
Got money on my mind
I can never get enough
And every time I step up in the building
Everybody hands go up
And they stay there
And they say yeah
And they stay there
Up down, up down, up down
'Cause all I do is win, win, win
And if you goin' in put your hands in the air
Make them stay there
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
MICHELLE: Thank you, Chicago!
Thank you. All right.
WOMAN: I love you!
Thank you. I love you, too.
My name is Michelle Darnell
and I am the 47th
wealthiest woman in America.
How wealthy am I?
I had Destiny's Child reunite
only to have them come over
to my personal living room
so I could watch them break apart again.
Huh?
How did I get to my success level?
What's my secret?
I worked myself silly.
Okay, number one.
You work your ass off to get what you want.
Number two.
You do not let other people drag you down.
'Cause they will.
They are an anchor in your life
that you do not want.
Cut 'em loose and sail off.
If you work this program...
You. Will. Get. Rich.
And I'm not talking about chump change.
And I'm not talking about some
loose dollar bills at the bottom of your purse.
I'm talking about real fucking money!
Life-changing money!
AUDIENCE CHANTING:
Real fucking money! Real fucking money!
That's how you do it.
Now let's go make some money!
Thank you, Tito. What a night!
That's right, MD.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
I'm amazed that the United Center
is even still standing
because I crushed it tonight.
You crushed it like velvet.
Like velvet!
Send T-Pain some "thank you" flowers.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Look into getting more fire power to that bird.
Absolutely. More power.
No. The fire marshal almost shut us down
based on the pyrotechnics we used tonight.
I don't think that's an option.
Let's hire a new fire marshal.
CLAIRE: I don't think you can
hire a fire marshal.
I think it's a city-appointed position,
but I'll look into it.
TITO: All she does is win, Claire. Toot-toot!
CLAIRE: I got this, Tito.
Okay? You can sit this one out.
MICHELLE: Claire?
Oh, teeth whitening. Sorry. Sorry, yes.
- My God.
- Sorry.
- Hmm.
- I have to remind you. That seems...
That seems like a little the opposite, right?
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, I think if you keep your...
You need to keep your tongue
inside your mouth for this to work.
Last week you very
specifically said, "Keep tongue out."
- No.
- You did say that, Claire.
I said, "Get your tongue out of the picture."
She's got to breathe, Claire.
Somebody must be hungry.
Somebody gets very crabby
when she's hungry.
You're a little hangry, Claire.
I'm not hangry, Tito.
Hungry and angry. You hangry, Claire.
Sixty seconds of no talking.
'Cause this has to set for 60 seconds.
I've been waiting. I mean, I'm in here.
You're the only one that's talking, Claire.
You're the only one talking. It's hilarious.
It's like that classic comedy gag,
"He's on my baseball."
Who's on my baseball?
Who's on my baseball?
- Uh, who's on my baseball? (CHUCKLING)
- (MICHELLE CHUCKLING)
- Oh, no it's...
- Who's on my baseball?
I think it's, "Who's on first.
What's on second? I Don't Know is on third."
Right?
- I don't think that's...
- Uh, no.
I think you're on my baseball.
- TITO: Who's on my baseball?
- First base.
(MICHELLE AND TITO LAUGHING)
(SINGING) What's on my baseball?
Baseball
Great. So, since I have you for a second,
you told me to remind you
exactly a year ago today
that it's been three years
since my last pay increase.
I don't think that's true.
That doesn't ring...
Does that seem accurate to you?
That sounds false.
But you crushed it tonight!
CLAIRE: It's not false, Tito.
It's entirely accurate.
And I wrote down what you said.
Oh, Claire,
I don't know why you always have to quote.
"Claire, exactly one year from today
"I'm going to give you a raise so big
"you'll cream your jeans
and shat your chaps."
Claire. That is wildly inappropriate.
MICHELLE: Wildly.
TITO: Lowbrow, Claire.
CLAIRE: I run your entire
organization, Michelle.
I do a great job.
I made myself available for you 24 hours a day
while being a single mom, I might add.
I deserve a raise and a title change.
I'd like "Executive Assistant."
Now that surprises me,
'cause I did not know that you had a child.
Was that through...
Was that through intercourse?
Yes.
MICHELLE: You know what? Good for you.
Michelle, if you can't give me a raise,
I can't continue to work here.
Well, look who
finally showed up to my seminar.
MICHELLE: (CLAPPING)
'Bout time, Claire. I love it.
I didn't know if you were listening
all these years.
What am I always saying?
"Don't go in that room."
MICHELLE: True. I do say that. But I also say,
"If you want something, you gotta take it."
Claire, you just took it.
And you grew a pair in the process.
I'm holding your earrings. (CHUCKLES)
You're holding a pair of earrings
that in 2001, I paid $62,000 for.
And that's your raise, now.
That's a good raise.
And you earned it.
Thank you.
Congratulations on your balls, Claire.
- MICHELLE: Isn't Tito the greatest?
- (FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)
CLAIRE: I love Tito.
MICHELLE: What are you doing up here?
Miss Darnell, this just came for you.
They said it was urgent.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, it's ringing.
MICHELLE: (GROANS) Oh, boy.
Go for Darnell.
RENAULT: (VIA PHONE) I will not be ignored.
Ah. (CHUCKLES)
MICHELLE: Hi there, Ronald.
It's "Renault."
Why are you muscling in on my Takoro deal?
You know what? A little birdie told me
that Takoro was merging
with Samson International.
So I acquired the majority of the stock.
That's called insider trading, Michelle.
Which makes you a criminal.
You're going to be sorry
you ever dishonored me.
God, for the last time,
you're not a samurai, Ronald.
It's "Renault"!
No, it's not.
It's "Ron," and you're from Jersey.
Phil. Take off that ridiculous top.
You should never cover that up.
Okay.
Please don't forget
you have an interview first thing Monday.
MICHELLE: We'll see.
Let me just... Let me just help you out there.
You'll regret this, Michelle!
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Get me the SEC.
Okay.
We are back with
the one and only, Michelle Darnell.
Let's talk about
your relationship with your mentor,
that mega mogul, Ida Marquette.
Well, Gayle, we've got a terrific relationship.
Really? I'm so surprised to hear that,
only because we came across this tape
the other day. Take a look.
- Oh.
- IDA: I was Michelle's mentor.
It's so hard to describe her.
She's a business woman,
a visionary, a leader,
a natural born (BLEEPING)
cocksucker, a motherfucker,
an ass-wipe, a shit stain,
and sewer rat, fuck-face, professional.
(SNICKERING)
Doesn't sound so chummy.
Oh, I think a couple of those beeps
were actually compliments.
That's one way to look at it.
Michelle, I want to talk about you.
That you were, basically,
abandoned as a child,
bounced around
from foster home to foster home,
and that, really,
you were raised in an orphanage.
No, no, no.
I was lucky enough to attend
a beautiful, lovely elite boarding school,
very much like Hogwarts, to give you a visual.
And almost as magical. I feel very lucky.
Where'd you get that?
GAYLE: We've got
a really good research team,
and when I look at that picture,
I don't think "elite."
Can we talk about this for a second?
- This interview is over.
- Where are you going?
I was not trying to upset you, Michelle.
- Why are you leaving?
- MICHELLE: You know what, Gayle?
Nobody spells "Gayle" with a "Y."
It's pretentious.
You've got a great story to tell.
Keeping the mic!
Gayle King ambushed me.
You get that segment pulled before it airs.
Miss Darnell, you're under arrest
for insider trading and defrauding
the Securities Exchange Commission.
Are you kidding me?
Would I kid you?
- Claire, call my lawyer.
- Okay.
Stay back.
What do you make a year? I'll double it.
Did you just try to bribe me?
No. I mean, unless you're tempted...
Hey! This is...
This is not reasonable. Claire!
- Don't fight it, Michelle!
- Let me go!
Ooh. Don't struggle, baby!
Renault ratted me out!
It's just insider trading! Everybody does it!
You are fighting with the wrong redhead!
(GRUNTS)
Yeah. I'm out.
I'mma get my job back at Best Buy. Boom!
God, you're the worst.
FEMALE NEWSCASTER: In breaking news...
Michelle Darnell was sentenced
to five months in federal prison
for insider trading.
- (DOGS GROWLING)
- Currently, Darnell Enterprise stocks...
I told you you'd regret it.
STEPHAN: You can really hold onto a grudge.
I can't believe you two used to date.
RENAULT: Ah. It was the Go-Go Nineties.
She was my yin, I was her yang.
Our bodies were intertwined,
but our spirits were in constant opposition.
Dynamic.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SOFT GROAN)
I got this promotion locked!
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
Don't worry. Once I become senior VP,
nothing's gonna change between us.
It better not.
You look so fucking rad when you do coke.
BRYCE: Hey, guys! Guys!
What?
They're about to announce
who gets the promotion.
Pretty exciting, huh?
Fuck off, Bryce!
BOSS: All right, listen up, everybody.
I'd like you all to join me
in offering a hearty congratulations
to our newest senior VP.
Michelle Darnell!
Oh, my...
- What?
- (CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.
(STAMMERING)
I totally...
Fuck off if you think that you can take
my client list and I wasn't gonna notice.
You bitch.
Oh, thank you! That's so supportive, Ron.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Ron! Coffee!
"Ron" is gone.
End of broadcast.
(DOOR ALARM BUZZING)
MICHELLE: It's bullshit, Marty.
I take one little tip from an insider
and I find myself in an absolute hellhole.
I mean, look at me,
fighting for my life in the yard.
MARTY: Well, the news gets worse.
- All your accounts have been frozen.
- MICHELLE: What?
Your shareholders have all sold off.
Renault is orchestrating a hostile takeover
of your entire holding company.
- No.
- Darnell Enterprises is bankrupt.
- Can he do that?
- Turn off the machine, Don.
No, he cannot.
Yes, he can. He actually did it beautifully.
(CHOKING)
That's my Adam's apple, you bitch!
Claire, get me a new lawyer.
There's not gonna be another lawyer
if you don't have any money,
you stupid ginger!
You know what?
I'm a ginger, but I'm a natural redhead.
Not that you're ever gonna find out.
Because you will
never be invited into my basement.
I don't wanna see your basement!
MICHELLE: Yes, you do!
And by the way, Claire works for me.
CLAIRE: Actually, Michelle,
I can't work for you anymore. I got a new job.
I just came to tell you as a courtesy.
I would think a courtesy would be
you sticking with me
through my tough times, Claire.
I would. You know
I have a kid to think about, so...
You have a kid?
I can't tell if
you're joking because I did tell you
- that I do have a kid. And I...
- I am.
- Remember?
- Yes.
- You do?
- I am. I'm joking. I gotcha.
- Okay.
- Zinger.
MICHELLE: Hello, gal.
I wasn't into you but I was flattered.
Okay, here we go.
Tom, do you mind grabbing that bag for me?
Kimberly, I thought you had today off.
Yeah, I knew you were leaving.
- You're sweet, Kimberly.
- (CHUCKLES)
Now, you're gonna remember what I told you?
- Yes.
- Okay?
Stocks are gonna go up and down.
The big money's in the long game.
- Thank you so much, Michelle.
- Thank you, Tom. You're so sweet.
- We're actually gonna miss you around here.
- (SIGHS)
Well, I would hope so! It sounds right to me.
All right, give me my freedom.
(BELL RINGING)
Yep, the air is sweeter out here.
Did you set up a ride?
No, I was assuming that a town car
or something would be provided.
KIMBERLY: Lock it up, Danny.
(LAUGHING)
You know,
she thought a town car was coming!
Well, could you call a cab?
I'll get one myself.
MICHELLE: Okay, this is
my house right up here. This is good.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
Oh, come on!
Hey!
Can you please stop ringing the door?
Hi. Does Claire Rawlings live here?
I don't know.
You don't know
because you're not very bright, or...
- I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
- (MICHELLE CHUCKLES)
You know what? Are you Claire's daughter?
I thought you were in jail.
Aren't you charming
for yelling that out on the street like that.
May I?
No way.
MICHELLE: Why not?
Because Mom's at work
and you're fresh out of prison.
Okay, white-collar crime doesn't count!
Yes, it does!
No, it does not. It does not.
- Hi.
- Hi.
(SNORTS)
Whoa.
Claire. Wow.
Hi, Dana.
My goodness, you are so late.
I am?
You're right. You're absolutely right, Dana.
I'm three minutes late.
Hey, do you work at the excuse factory?
I wasn't making an excuse.
I was just agreeing that I was a little...
Well, I think that you're saying
this is an excuse factory, right?
Hey! Yo, Dana! Hey, hey, hey.
MIKE: So, hey, I wanted to tell you.
There is a bunch of people
gathered in the break room...
What, why?
...just raving about
your fourth-quarter review.
Who is? What?
That's why I was late.
Because we were all up there, you know,
trading our favorite Dana stories.
So it was... It's positive...
It's good buzz?
There's a lot of good buzz?
Buzzworthy. Absolutely, yeah.
I mean, they're raving.
- I have to go get coffee.
- Yeah, you do. (CHUCKLING)
- She's a nightmare. She's a tool.
- (SIGHS)
She's so many things.
She is definitely a lot of things.
Uh... (CHUCKLING)
Look at this, look at this!
We have so much in common, me and you.
We have a good banter here, right?
A little back and forth.
I think maybe we should
try and keep this
little banter wagon going, right?
Maybe we can go hang out...
We can dish about the boss,
and gossip about stuff and...
You know, probably do it
over dinner or something,
'cause all that dishing can be exhausting.
Work up an appetite.
Yeah, well, I'm... First of all, I'm flattered.
It's a little complicated for me.
I'm a single mom and I really try to, you know,
devote a ton of energy to my kid,
and see her as much as possible.
I just don't think that it's a good time.
Yeah, cool.
I was hoping you would say that
because I love rejection, so... (CHUCKLING)
- Cool.
- Cool.
Sorry.
- (SNORING)
- Michelle.
- Michelle.
- (GASPS)
- MICHELLE: Hello.
- Hi!
Hi. Hello, Claire.
Surprise!
What are you doing here?
Oh, well, I had stopped at our old office
and the security gentlemen did mention
that you were now the curator of my estate.
So, I just thought I should pop over
and maybe pick up my things.
Okay, I guess you wanna come up and grab it.
- Yes, absolutely.
- Do you need...
If you'd like, you can grab that trunk.
Oh, no.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, this is just...
This is...
This can't be all of it.
I mean, this isn't all of it. This is...
Where are my things?
My paintings, or, I mean,
my Degas, my rugs, my...
- Where are my things?
- I'm really sorry, Michelle.
They seized everything.
This is what's left.
(SIGHS)
Martha Stewart got everything back.
I mean, they rallied around her.
They loved her more.
Well, Michelle,
know that Rachel and I are rooting for you,
and, if you need us, you can always call
or send a letter here, or just a quick text.
Um, do you want me
to help you out with this?
If she doesn't have anywhere to go,
she should stay here.
Honey, she knows plenty of people.
She has plenty of places to stay.
Tito won't return any of my calls.
My sweet Tito.
Fucking Tito.
(SIGHS)
Mom, we can't let her sleep on the street.
Do you really not have anywhere to go?
No. I don't.
Okay, you can stay here.
But for a very limited amount of time. Okay?
- Yes.
- Just until you get back on your feet.
- All right?
- MICHELLE: Yes.
CLAIRE: It's a small space. You know.
It's tight sometimes for Rachel and I, so...
It is really small, it's like...
It's freaky small.
Well, but you're welcome, here.
If you need to crash, you can have the couch.
- Yes. We'll draw straws.
- Okay.
It'll be a fun kind of roommate...
It's not a negotiation.
...stuff. Okay.
Ha.
A bed inside a sofa. That's neat.
Well, it's old, but it's comfortable, so...
Thank you, Claire.
Good night, Michelle.
It's...
Well...
This isn't so...
(YELPING)
(GROANING) Oh, my God! Oh, God!
Claire!
I think I've shattered my pelvis.
(SOFT GROAN)
(GASPS) Oh, Michelle! Oh, my God.
Claire!
Michelle, why are you in my bed?
Because your sofa threw me against a wall,
and I've had a cellie for the last six months.
I find it very difficult to sleep on my own.
Wow. Okay. You're kicking up a lot of...
Is that from... Is that me?
- I think...
- (BLOWS)
Yeah, that's me.
You know what? I got into
a wee bit of your Scotch last night.
And, you know what else I tried
that I thought was terrific, was a Dorito.
I think it was the cheese.
I mean not a cheese found in nature,
but cheese-adjacent.
I just thought it was wonderful.
What a wonderful chip.
(SIGHS) Michelle, you can't sleep in my bed.
I don't want you in here.
You gotta get it together, Michelle.
I am together, okay?
This morning, I'm meeting
with a bunch of old colleagues.
I'm gonna pour this into something
creamy and delicious,
and see who takes a big sip.
Get out, out of my bed.
God. I see why this half of the bed
maybe is empty.
Okay? You're a real
B-I-T-C-U-N-T in the morning.
You think about that.
Michelle, you gotta get out of the bathroom.
I'm already late for work
and Rachel's gonna be late for school.
MICHELLE: Well, I'm going as fast as I can.
You're welcome to come in.
Fine, but we gotta get on a schedule
if you're gonna be here...
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
Close your robe.
No, absolutely not!
I'm self-tanning and my legs are still wet.
I can see your vagina.
Well, congratulations and you're welcome!
You know, I had it rejuvenated in 2010.
They call it a vaguvenation!
You know, it's like a soft silk coin purse.
I can barely urinate.
Oh, my God!
Now, do me a favor
and tell me if I have
any streaks on my hamstrings.
(GASPS) Oh, God! Put it away!
- Whoa.
- Put it away.
Hi, Raquel!
It's Rachel!
Go grab your backpack, honey.
We don't need to brush our teeth today.
Our teeth are fine.
You need to wipe some of that off your face.
You know it dries darker?
- No, does it?
- CLAIRE: Yes.
But that's not what the bottle says.
Oh, it's okay.
It's coming off like a dream on your towel.
CLAIRE: You need to clean up the bathroom.
And consider staying away
from self-tanner altogether.
Your pelvic region is the color of curry.
(WHISPERING) Namaste, Claire. Thank you.
It's not a compliment.
Oh.
(MOANING)
BRYCE: All right,
here's a little joke for everybody.
What do golfers do on their day off?
Putter around.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Tom, I'm gonna crunch
those numbers for you,
but I'm going to
make you pay through the teeth.
Oh.
Bryce Crean!
Oh, my God! How long has it been?
You old son of a bitch!
It has been too long!
Terri. Hello, gentlemen. Hi...
Carl.
Oh. Look at that beard.
How's that old ball-and-chain Pam
treatin' ya? (CHUCKLING)
Pam passed away four months ago.
(SOFTLY) That's tough. That's tough.
We're kind of in the middle
of something here, Michelle.
So, thank you very much.
Word on the street, Bryce, is that
you're just about to close on that Kraft deal.
So if you want me to head up that division...
I think I could be a pretty big asset
to you on that account.
You've got no capital and nobody likes you.
Nobody here at this table likes you.
- Nobody at this entire club likes you.
- (WHISPERING) That's not true.
Horrible, horrible feedback from everybody.
So, thank you for the groveling. Good bye!
Fuck off, Bryce.
Yeah. You know what?
You wouldn't even be here
if I hadn't brought you in
as a junior executive.
And, Terri, you think anybody else
would've hired you right out of college?
No! I don't who the fuck you three are.
But I'll guess this.
I bet you got here
climbing on my back somehow.
Carl, I gave you that Landis account.
I handed you your career
and I'm the one that made Pam a sales rep!
Pam is dead.
Pam was a whore!
She fucked her way
through the whole IT department.
And Terri knows it,
'cause you were in on it, too!
MICHELLE: Yeah!
CARL: The tech guys?
You think Pam did all the tech guys?
The lowest, weirdest, saddest guys!
That's who Pam fucked!
Go to hell, Michelle! Go to hell!
When I get to hell,
I'll tell Pam that you said hello,
'cause she's probably down there
fucking IT guys.
Weird little guys,
carrying wires around in weird hats.
That's who she's fucking in hell.
Yeah.
I don't need you.
I don't need you and you're gonna be sorry.
'Cause I got a sweet deal for you
and you're letting it walk out.
You know, you want
to be dumbasses? Be my guest.
I'll tell you what, you're gonna regret this.
Yow!
(GROANING)
Yow! Son of a bitch!
- Holy shit!
- Son of a bitch!
How'd she survive that?
BRYCE: 'Cause she's horrible.
Let's go.
MICHELLE: Mother of shite!
I dinged my pelvis again.
Ah.
(EXHALES)
- Tell me everything.
- Okay.
So, right off the top,
Bryce ordered a Nicoise salad
but he asked for
the tuna to be really well done.
But if it's a quality piece of tuna,
you don't wanna have it...
- Not relevant.
- Okay, right.
Bryce did everything you asked him to do.
Michelle came in. She was like,
"I wanna be in a business."
And he was like, "No dice."
And then, she fell down a flight of stairs.
(GASPS) Did she hurt her wonderful body?
I have a video of it. Do you wanna see?
MICHELLE: I'll tell you what.
- Oh, look at her.
- STEPHAN: Mmm-hmm.
Oh. (LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh.
DR. OZ: So you see the normal intestine.
Now, notice the difference
between that intestine and this intestine.
I'm getting light-headed.
Is there any of that brownie left?
- Yeah.
- I feel like my blood sugar's dropping.
I should probably pop it with a little sugar.
Holy shit! That is a good brownie.
Language.
Well, I'm sorry,
you give me a holy-shit brownie.
I'm gonna say, "Holy shit!"
'Cause holy shit, this is a good brownie.
I can't believe...
Your mom makes these, right?
Yeah, it's a family recipe.
Hi!
I'm pretty sure Michelle has diverticulitis.
- What?
- MICHELLE: I got it.
I think it's pretty advanced, Claire.
CLAIRE: Who said that?
Doctor Oz.
MICHELLE: Look.
Oh, my God!
There's my colon again.
Okay, you need to get off the couch
because you've been laying down
for about three weeks.
And, also, you have to
start pulling your weight around here.
We can start tonight.
You can take Rachel
to her Dandelions meeting.
- What?
- Why aren't you taking me?
Sweetie, I can't.
My boss, who is
a massive fan of yours, by the way,
has decided I need
to go back in for the evening.
CLAIRE: Okay? (CLAPS HANDS)
Let's go! The most important part of the plan
being "get off the couch."
I don't think I like sassy Claire.
MICHELLE: All right. I want you to give me
the lowdown on this meeting.
What are my opportunities?
What are my pitfalls?
RACHEL: What do you mean?
MICHELLE: Well,
I want to know what I'm walking into.
RACHEL: Oh, everyone's pretty nice.
I forgot how many people ride the "L."
It's kind of fascinating.
Some people depend on this.
Like, they don't have a car.
Well, I know that.
MICHELLE: Roller-skating or roller-blading?
Roller-blading.
Honey or agave nectar?
- Agave.
- No, they're both terrible.
Cell phone, landline?
- What?
- Oh, God.
Do you not know what that means?
- No.
- (SIGHS) Oh, Jesus.
MICHELLE: Okay, this should be interesting.
Ladies, big news. Great news.
Marsha Swan's tabby cat, Spaghetti,
is on the mend
and expected to make a full recovery.
Yay, Spaghetti!
Yay!
My daughter, Beth,
was so worried about Spaghetti.
Thank goodness she's back on her feet.
Funny fact about Spaghetti,
she hates spaghetti.
You seem fucking crazy to me.
Excuse me?
- Cute as a daisy to me.
- (GIGGLING)
SANDY: Okay, now, not to sound too kookie,
but let's talk "cookie" sales, that is.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay, so this year, we came in with $21,000.
Pretty good job, big bucks.
But Detroit is still in the lead for the year
with $189,000.
Can I just ask you, are these numbers
you're talking about just cookie sales?
And, if so, how many troupes
are we talking about here?
There are 3.2 million Dandelions
all over the world
blown across the earth, making a difference.
Is this global?
Wait, I recognize you.
You're Michelle Darnell.
Please, don't make a fuss.
Oh, I'm gonna make a fuss.
You're a convicted felon
sitting in a room full of children.
You're a criminal.
It was white-collar crime.
Okay, you don't have to defend me.
You're such a loser.
I'm sorry, what did he say?
What?
- SANDY: Well, I would...
- (WHISPERING) Yeah.
Excuse me. Hi.
MICHELLE: I gotta ask you.
Now are we talking part-time
or full-time employees here?
Nope, just happy volunteers.
What?
For your information, jailbird...
She seems great.
The Dandelions helps girls
build leadership skills.
It looks good on their high-school transcript
and they are bettering their community,
which is more than I can say for you.
A-ha. What is your name?
Helen Kreagan.
Oh, you know what?
I think you dropped something right here.
- You go fuck yourself.
- Go fuck yourself.
(WHISPERING) Go fuck yourself.
I don't think you know who you're talking to.
I think I do.
And I think I want you to fuck off.
I don't think you do.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my gosh!
Can we just take a minute
and give congrats to Sarah, here?
Thank you. It's Sandy. It's Sandy.
- Or Sandy.
- I like Sarah.
Whatever, either one.
I gotta know how much
are you selling these boxes for?
SANDY: Girls.
GROUP: $7.
MICHELLE: $7?
Ka-ching, right?
I got a guy in Shanghai who can make this
same box of cookies, 19 cents.
This is an official meeting
and you're interrupting it.
Let's take a poll, show of hands.
Who finds Helen to be a bummer?
MICHELLE: Lots of hands. Oh, Helen.
Toot. (CHUCKLING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Do something, Mom.
I object to parolees attending our meetings
and I'd like to put that in the minutes.
May I?
Let me just handle this.
Another great point by Helen.
You know what, Helen?
If you don't get off my fucking back,
I'm gonna shove a box of chocolate clusters
up that tight ass of yours.
(GASPING)
(GASPING) Oh.
I would love to go to lunch.
You're on. You got yourself a date.
That sounds terrific, okay?
MICHELLE: Sandy, I love that kerchief.
(SOFTLY) Was that necessary?
- Super necessary.
- Yeah.
(METAL RATTLING)
(MICHELLE CHATTERING)
CLAIRE: Michelle?
- Hi!
- What are you doing?
What is all this?
This is my way back, m'kay?
You are looking at Darnell 2.0.
I wondered when you were getting up.
Have you not gone to bed yet?
No, I have been up and percolating
since 11:00 p.m. last night.
- Just great stuff, Claire!
- Okay.
You're having a breakdown.
No, no, no!
I'm having a breakthrough, because of you.
Sit down, I gotta show you this.
Let me introduce you
to my new golden goose...
Darnell's Darlings.
Rough sketches.
So, I know. Those will be perfected.
But, really, tell me,
what's your initial thoughts?
- Stalin.
- Okay.
- Communist youth.
- All right!
Japanese-y black power?
My takeaway from that is "powerful."
Powerful imagery
and I'll take that any day of the week.
Why are you up?
Sit down, sleepyhead. Let's wake it up.
Claire, we're gonna start a brownie company.
No, we're gonna start a brownie empire.
Okay? And we're gonna call it
Darnell's Darlings.
Illinois alone has 25,000 Dandelions.
They're pulling in, in one year, $32,500,000.
This is a global company.
The Dandelions are making
a billion dollars a year.
Is that going in your pocket?
Helen's probably pocketing it.
I mean, that horrible bitch would
take teeth right out of a kid. Am I wrong?
If she could sell teeth,
she'd rip kids' teeth out.
I'm gonna let it go, but Helen's horrible.
The Dandelions are a non-profit, Michelle.
That money goes back
into great programs for the girls.
MICHELLE: Oh, great programs?
That's interesting.
Rachel, do me a favor.
Tell your mom what was
the last "great program" you completed.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Scout leader Sandy
gave me a "Social Butterfly" badge.
That's great!
Tell her what a "Social Butterfly" badge is.
I had to hold a conversation
with a new person for 30 minutes...
- Okay.
- ...and demonstrate
how to be a good hostess.
Next week, I'm thinking
maybe they'll arrange marriages.
I'll tell you what, I'm gonna design
a special new badge for the Dandelions.
It's gonna be a real big one,
so no one misses it.
And I'm gonna make it a picture of a woman.
A real sad woman with apron strings on,
bent over in front of an oven.
And it's gonna say, "You know why
we like vaginas better than your mouth?
"Because they don't have teeth
and they don't talk."
And you could turn that badge over
and you're gonna realize
that there's a man in the oven
and she's giving him a blowjob.
Good luck earning that!
Michelle!
I heard everything anyways.
These girls are gonna earn some real money
that can go towards a college fund,
give them empowerment,
give them a good sense of self.
I find that exciting, Claire.
It's a nice idea, Michelle,
but it's also a crazy one.
Claire, I want you to listen to me.
You have an amazing product.
- You make a mind-blowing brownie.
- Okay.
And I can sell anything I believe in,
and I believe in your product.
We can be partners.
Not my assistant. Fifty-fifty.
That's how much I believe in this.
What do you say?
I have to keep my job, Michelle.
This is... It's just too risky.
(SIGHS) Come on.
You don't even like your job, Mom.
Oh, that was beautiful timing.
I didn't even set that up.
You know what, Claire?
Keep your terrible job.
Do this on the side.
Okay? Plus, it's gonna get me off your couch.
I'm in.
- You're in?
- CLAIRE: Mmm-hmm.
Let's do it, people!
Okay, Rachel, you go get dressed.
I'm gonna take you to school.
We're gonna get some new recruits!
(YAWNS) It's 4:00 a.m.
I'm going back to bed.
Night, sweetie.
What? Okay, you know what?
You get your rest, you're gonna need it!
We gotta recruit some Darnell Darlings today!
Claire, my quarterback,
I need you to bust ass into that kitchen
and start making pan
after pan after pan of brownies,
'cause that's how fast
I'm gonna sell 'em, okay?
- Right now?
- Right now! All right?
I may have tried to preheat that oven,
so I think there's a little bit of a gas leak.
- Huh?
- If you think about it, it may be
why you guys are feeling a little logy.
Hey, Rach, you know what?
Don't go to sleep! Don't go to sleep!
Oh, my God!
MICHELLE: Okay. We may have to walk her.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Ah. You know what?
It feels good to kind of
put the shine and polish back on again.
People say it doesn't matter, but it does.
- Puts a little kick in your step.
- (MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)
Who is that beast?
That's Chrystal Delveccio.
She's always getting into fist fights.
- Later, Dad.
- MICHELLE: That's perfect.
That is exactly the kind of gal
we want to recruit.
You know what? Another little tip.
Look for girls that
are named after precious stones.
Topaz, Sapphire, Opal, Amber.
They're all gonna spiral down.
We want to get 'em
when they're angry and fresh going in.
Why don't you check out
Chrystal's availability?
Got it.
My mom never lets me drink coffee.
Really, why?
She says it'll stunt your growth.
That's not true. That's crazy.
What, do you wanna be freakishly tall?
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
All right. Get in there,
drum up some good recruits.
(GASPS) I feel kind of sweaty and scared.
That's just the coffee kickin' in.
It's good for...
Oh, you know what?
Wait a minute, let me see something.
Oh, I may have switched them.
This one's yours.
I put a little splash of bourbon in mine.
That's okay.
It's kind of a secret weapon.
It's what makes the Irish so mean.
And I can say that 'cause I'm Scottish!
Go get 'em!
SANDY: And so, due to some
unforeseen complications,
and just, um...
Giving up...
Spaghetti passed away last night.
Listen up, motherfuckers!
Michelle, language!
Who here wants to hear about
an un-freaking-believably
exciting opportunity?
Huh?
All right! Woo! Look at this group!
All right. What's with all the long faces?
Did somebody die? (CHUCKLING)
Yeah. Spaghetti died last night.
Who is Spaghetti?
The cat.
The cat? Oh. Can I be honest?
That cat probably killed himself
because his name was "Spaghetti."
Right? Hey-oh!
- Michelle.
- MICHELLE: Oh...
All right, okay.
Why don't you take off, Sandy?
It's my meeting and I'm...
Okay.
Go catch it. Go catch it.
Really sorry about your loss.
MICHELLE: As you already know,
my name is Michelle Darnell
and this is my partner.
And by "partner,"
I don't mean like girl-on-girl kind of stuff.
- Whoa!
- What's "girl-on-girl stuff"?
Uh, well, great question.
I love an inquisitive mind.
Girl-on-girl stuff is really just referring to
something you're
probably gonna dabble with in college,
but not stick with, you know?
Let's not... Don't tell her that.
Unless you're Hannah.
- Hannah, you're gonna stick with it.
- (GIGGLING)
Don't... You know what? Let's...
And I got a hunch
that your mom should've stuck with it.
She wouldn't be so pent-up and angry.
MICHELLE: That's my hunch.
CLAIRE: Let's change the subject.
We brought you guys
some delicious homemade brownie treats.
Ooh. Look at this!
We brought treats, everybody! Treats!
Let me ask you one question.
When you sell a box of cookies,
what do you get?
You get points
that can apply to your canoe trip.
Wrong, you get a big plate of bullshit!
That is 100% right, you beautiful giant!
Now, at Darnell's Darlings,
we don't think that's right.
We think if you go out
and sell a box of cookies,
we should give you 5% commission.
5% commission, every box you sell.
It was supposed to be 10%, I think.
- That's right, we did say that.
- Yeah.
So far, you suck at this.
Just letting you know that.
Okay, it's 10%.
You come work with us,
you get a share of the profits.
Okay. Or you can stay here!
Be my guest and, I don't know, build some
dirty badger nests in some kind of tree.
Or what did you have planned, Sandy?
Well, actually, we were gonna build
a dirty badger nest in a tree.
My God.
My God! And I was making that up.
I was trying to think
of the worst possible scenario on Earth.
What the hell is going on in here?
I leave the room for one minute
to talk to my landscaper
and the meeting goes into the toilet?
Sorry, Helen, we're almost done.
Okay, you guys,
the best part about Darnell's Darlings
is that, for each box sold, an extra 10%
will go into a college fund for you. Okay?
We are gonna help you
save for your college education.
Wait, are you trying to poach girls
from a Dandelions meeting?
No!
Helen, we are not trying to poach girls.
We are actively and definitely poaching girls
from this meeting.
HELEN: Get your hands off me.
- Fuck you, Helen!
- You fuck you!
Tell your little shitty daughter,
never talk to Rachel like that again.
- Let's um, go, girls.
- MICHELLE: Okay, girls!
Whoever wants to go to the fun room,
come on with me!
Just down the hall.
The bigger, the better room. We got foosball!
Okay. And I promise, no Helen!
- Bye, Helen!
- Good luck with your product!
Oh, man.
I mean, what is it, anyway?
It looks like just a bunch of
homemade, gluten-filled, sugar-filled,
diabetes cake.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
HELEN: With chocolate!
Oh, my God.
It's good.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
MICHELLE: Now, what are we doing?
GROUP: Selling brownies!
Okay, what do we say
if somebody doesn't want to buy?
"Buy my brownies or I'll kill you."
Don't say that, Chrystal.
Say that. That's perfect.
All right, now go make some money!
Woo!
MICHELLE: The van leaves at 7:00!
If you're not back, we will leave without you!
No, we're not gonna leave.
Nobody's leaving you.
We're leaving at 7:00 sharp.
MICHELLE: 7:00!
CLAIRE: The van'll be here.
I didn't count how many there were.
- I did. Whew.
- Oh, good.
(SOBBING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Okay, these are cut and cooled. Bag 'em.
Michelle, are you helping?
Yes, of course, I'm helping.
By the way,
don't give him anymore freebies, okay?
He's gotta pay for them,
just like everybody else.
Oh, they're so good!
There you are. All set.
Don't forget the tip.
Now, how could I? You're so big.
You've said it so many times.
And, there, you got it.
Hi, do you have money?
Hey!
There ain't gonna be
any brownies left in the world.
Get outta here. Go sell brownies!
(CHUCKLING)
- Okay.
- Hello, Bonnie!
Look at this. Patrice, take that.
Take that and buy me something!
I'm just kidding, but if you want to...
Remember, girls, when the houses are nice,
we double the price.
Rich people don't trust affordable snacks.
- You know what? Let's go up to $10 a box.
- HELEN: Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
MICHELLE: Hi, Helen!
We're participating in the American Dream.
Not on this street, you're not.
This is Dandelion territory.
It's okay, Helen, we'll just...
- HELEN: Shut up, Sandy!
- Okay.
You guys are losers!
Hey, suck my dick, Gigantor!
- (ALL GASPING)
- You're fucking dead!
Hannah, stop it!
HELEN: We are not gonna behave like this!
Michelle.
A word?
MICHELLE: I'd be delighted.
First rule of business, pretend to negotiate
and then take what you want.
Listen, jailbird.
You think because you used to be someone
that the rules don't apply to you
and your pathetic band of rejects?
Well, you're wrong, bitch.
Ugh. Helen!
You got a case of the old trench-mouth.
Did you let a corpse curl up and die in there?
RACHEL: Forget it, Michelle.
- Let's just start on the next block.
- MICHELLE: No, no, no.
Second rule of business
is when a stanky, hummus-eating bitch
and her yeti of a daughter gets in your face,
you gotta regulate.
Hannah, give me some space.
(ALL GASPING)
(CHUCKLING)
Oh.
- How'd that taste?
- Nice.
(GROANING)
Chomp on that!
(DARLINGS CHEERING)
(GRUNTING)
Let's get 'em!
(ALL CLAMORING)
They're animals! They're animals!
Rachel's not done!
Rachel's thirsty for more!
Yeah!
Hey, Chrystal! I'm coming for you!
Bring it on!
Oh, no, you don't!
You're not going anywhere!
Do you understand me?
Dandelions never leave a street fight!
God damn it, Helen!
We're gonna wipe the floor!
Sandy, why?
'Cause I'm the leader, dang it!
- You're a traitor!
- SANDY: No.
Move! That bitch is mine!
Wait. No!
Hey, time to put the cookies
back in the cookie jar, Helen!
- BOTH: Ooh.
- I warned you, Helen! I warned you!
Those clusters are scratching me!
Good! Darlings!
Let's go!
Stay down!
- Don't tell your mom.
- Okay.
- (PANTING)
- This was great.
Ooh!
That batch is burnt!
Bye.
One of 'em's in me.
MICHELLE: Hi, is there a Claire here?
Is Claire...
Hi! Where is Claire?
Section 509, but return on investment...
Ugh, ugh.
Oh.
- Look at you, in the middle of everything...
- I'll call you back.
In a bullpen.
What are you doing here?
We're out of brownies.
We need you to make more.
Well, I'm at work!
Uh, hi, there! Hey!
You're Michelle Darnell.
- Of course I am.
- (LAUGHS) Yes, you are.
Mike, this is Michelle. Michelle, Mike.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Ah...
"Mike" Mike.
Oh. Rejected Mike.
- The rejected Mike?
- Don't...
You know, he is kind of cute.
I think you should toss him a pity date.
MIKE: I don't need the pity,
but I will take the date if that's out there.
If that's an option.
Pity's all you've got.
Pity's your best friend.
- Okay. Good to know.
- Okay.
Just stop talking to him, okay?
Leave him alone.
DANA: What is going on here?
(STAMMERING) Oh, my... Greatest. Okay.
You are Michelle Darnell.
Guilty as charged.
Oh, wow. I have
two personal heroes in my life,
and I am staring at one of them right now.
- Oh, no. No touching.
- No.
Curious to know who the other one is.
It's Benedict Cumberbatch, and you.
Huh. I did not peg you for a "Cumbersnatch."
That's me. Cumbersnatch.
You seem like a real Cumbersnatch.
Well, thank you so, so much.
You're welcome. Oh...
Thank you. Great encounter.
It's always fun.
And I think I'm done with you.
Absolutely. And, madam, it was an honor.
- Off you go!
- And here I am, okay.
MICHELLE: Strange girl.
Okay.
Claire, if this company is going to work,
I need you full time.
I can't have you here.
Are you in or are you out?
I can't just leave my job!
I mean, I have to have a steady income.
I have Rachel to think about.
No, no, no. This is for Rachel. Okay?
If this works out the way I know
it's going to work out,
it's gonna set you two up for life.
We're already making enough money
to pay your rent and all your bills,
and I'm just about to put
a very big fish on the hook as our investor.
This is what I do.
Okay? You know that.
You have to trust me.
I do hate this job.
I mean, it's a terrible job.
My God. I mean, look at him.
He's slumped over, asleep.
I hope he's asleep.
You don't want to be that guy.
What do you say?
Okay.
Yes. I'm all in.
Dana, I quit.
I'm gonna start my own business, okay?
- I have my own business.
- Yes, she does.
Guys, it was lovely here.
Not really,
but I hope you all have a wonderful day.
Mike, would you still like to go on that date?
Uh, yes, I would.
I'm free tomorrow at 7:30.
Bring your A-game.
Tracy? Wake up! I'm out!
MICHELLE: Wake it up, Tracy!
- No.
- No.
- No, thank you.
- I'm so...
- Ooh. No.
- I'm very flattered.
Seems like a good night
for sexual activity, Claire.
(CHUCKLES)
How long has it been
since you've had sexual activity?
Stop yelling "sexual activity."
'Cause Rachel might hear you.
You know, you're the one that's yelling
"sexual activity" out in the hallway.
Just answer the question, Claire.
I don't know.
If I had to guess,
maybe four, five, six years?
What? Oh, my God.
Did you take a vow?
It's very hard to find a good sitter.
Okay. We'll go with that. I just...
I'm gonna say, it probably doesn't help
that you're dressed like
you grocery-shop at a CVS.
What?
I love this sweater.
I don't know why you would.
This sweater goes with everything.
It's a neutral.
It doesn't go with you or your skin,
or your face.
That sweater is the equivalent
of a sandwich board
that just says, "I give up."
And then in the back, it says,
"I never started tryin'."
It somewhat looks like you have
sewn together two very long, sad tube socks
and then filled each end
with wet sand and rocks.
What are you talking about?
It just looks like two basset hounds
may have cried themselves to death
in your sweater.
I like it. I think this looks great.
- Can I...
- (GASPS)
- Michelle!
- Well...
- You are...
- I had to check.
I didn't know what was in there.
You're making me feel very insecure
right before my date.
Don't!
If your breasts could speak right now,
I think they'd be saying, "Claire,
"please don't zip me up in your jeans."
- That is...
- You're gonna zip a nipple.
That's not what they'd say.
May I adjust your strap?
- 'Cause I'm trying to help you, Claire.
- (SIGHS)
You say, "Be more helpful."
And I'm trying to be helpful.
You can tighten the strap.
Okay. What...
Just a little, 'cause I want it...
What is that toggle?
Oh, it's a nursing bra.
Oh, my God.
Are you still nursing Rachel?
No, it's from when she was a baby.
But it's very comfortable.
That's not comfortable to see.
Now, let me see this.
It's very often a fit issue.
(EXHALES)
Why do these have so much pull?
- All right, well...
- (GASPS)
Claire! It's like Geppetto!
Look at that. Look at this.
It's like, "Horses, horses."
- It's like I'm...
- Oh, my God.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!
It feels good. I need to be comfortable.
It doesn't feel good to my eyes.
Can I just put 'em
where they're supposed to be?
And I want you to be able
to see the difference.
You got "Happy girl", and then, uh-oh.
They just drop out.
And I should not be able to separate...
- Okay. All right.
- They're heavier, but...
So how do you like it
when I just get in there and bang around?
- I love it.
- Why is there not...
Oh, there's no give.
Look at that. I can't even feel that.
That's when you know...
I don't feel it, okay? 100% silicone.
And not the kind that's supposed to ever
be inside the body.
- (SNORTING)
- I know. They're fantastic.
That's something else.
Might feel that.
That's my nipple.
- Yeah, they're up here, where they should be.
- Oh, my God.
No, see, you need to bring 'em down.
No! They can't, anyway, no.
That's what you need to do.
They're too high, Michelle.
- There's a structure. Stop.
- No.
If we were... You need to...
- Look, just take 'em a little bit lower.
- Oh, my God.
- How about that?
- I paid a fortune for these.
- No, I'm gonna bring 'em...
- I'm keepin' 'em up!
Just gonna push 'em right down.
I'm trying to help you not...
What're you guys doing?
Hey, there!
We're just... There was a... Probably a...
- I was...
- Bugs.
We were jostling each other's bosoms like...
Gals do.
No, we weren't.
I was just trying to help your mom here
get ready for her big date.
- I'm a little nervous.
- She's a little bit nervous.
Always gotta stretch your boobs
when you're nervous.
RACHEL: You should change.
That's your TV-watching sweater.
Thank you.
Okay. Thank you for that.
Okay, well, we're gonna leave you to it.
You can treat yourself to a little underwire
and something that
doesn't look like you sell ceramics.
Let's go watch a movie. I'm babysitting.
- Have you seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
- No.
I'm kidding! I'm not kidding.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(SIGHS)
Hi.
Hi. Oh, my God. You look gorgeous.
I'm wearing a bra, a new bra. It's not new.
It's old. I just haven't worn it in a while.
Hey, you know what,
I went with an old bra tonight, too, so...
Let's get a table.
Absolutely.
I wanted to tell you earlier actually,
on a serious note.
When you walked out
the other day from work,
quite dramatically, I might add,
six other people quit.
- What?
- Mmm-hmm. They just walked out.
- Oh, my God.
- I know, right?
I started a chain reaction.
You started a huge chain reaction.
Six people walked out
and then immediately
three people walked back inside.
I think they were outside smoking.
But it was like you were a cult leader.
It was like a tremendous show of support.
It was, like, very inspiring.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Do you find that hard to believe?
- That I'm tremendously inspiring?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, a bit.
- Really?
Well, let me tell you something, lady.
You are more than a little inspiring.
I have been talking ad nauseam here.
Can you, uh, grab the mic for a sec?
Well, I, um...
I got knocked up in grad school by my TA.
When he found out I was pregnant,
he pretended like we didn't know each other.
- What?
- Then gave me a "D."
- What?
- Yeah, nice surprise.
Yeah.
But I got a great kid out of it.
I bet you're a great mom.
I try.
I mean, unless she is currently unsupervised.
Then you're a horrible mom.
No, she's with Michelle.
- She's with Michelle?
- Yes.
She's your felon babysitter.
(LAUGHING) Oh! Oh, my God!
Rachel, it's the goriest part!
It's the goriest part. You're missing it!
Oh, my God.
He's killing her with a chainsaw.
Oh.
I have a felon watching my child.
That just occurred to you, didn't it?
- Yes, it did.
- Yeah.
- It's good thing I'm here.
- Let's have some more wine.
Absolutely, yeah. Hey, excuse me.
Hi. Do you think maybe we could get
two more glasses of the...
No. Hold on.
Bring us a bottle of
whatever the lady would like
in the twenty-five to twenty-eight dollar range.
Sure, I'll send somebody to Walgreens
to get you something nice.
Cool. You guys do that? What's with that?
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!
Is that like a really cheap bottle of wine?
IDA: You got a lot of balls
showing up here, Darnell.
Listen, Ida, I know you're still mad at me,
and I don't blame you.
I shouldn't have cut you out
of that Emerson deal.
But if it makes it any better,
I made a blinding amount of money
on that deal.
You know the first time I saw you?
Twenty-three years old.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I knew right away,
you were a tough, money-hungry,
self-serving, see-you-next-Tuesday gal
just like me.
And that's why I decided to mentor you.
Just let you get too close.
I started to think of you as family.
Well, families are for suckers, right?
That's for sure.
What do you want, Michelle?
I need an investor.
Oh, for your little brownie venture?
How do you even know about that?
Because I'm Ida Marquette.
I know everything.
Here.
Come on, Ida.
I'm sure you got quite an overhead
on this glue factory here.
- Do you want in or not?
- You know,
I once made love on a pool table
in Hot Coffee, Mississippi
with six members
of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Are you stroking out?
What does this have to do with
what we're talking about right now?
The point is, Darnell,
I have very few regrets in my life.
But you... You were my best protge.
Tell you what.
I'll back you, if this checks out.
Just for old times' sake.
Okay.
If you'll excuse me, Shawshank,
I'm late for my morning ride.
IDA: Yes!
Okay.
You better make me a shitload of money.
Away, Butters!
(HORSE WHINNYING)
MICHELLE: Come on! Eat up, ladies.
This is a celebratory dinner.
We got our investor.
Okay. Here we go.
Hoo-hoo-hoo.
Look at this!
What is this?
Well, I feel it's time
you become more adventurous.
(CHUCKLING)
RACHEL: Thank God! Pizza!
I know you don't like sushi.
Thank you, Michelle! I'm starving.
And fugu for the lady.
- MICHELLE: Thank you, Ping.
- Fugu?
(EXHALES)
The infamous pufferfish.
When prepared incorrectly,
it can lead to paralysis or even death.
But when it is prepared correctly,
it is like a volcano erupting in my mouth.
Let's hope for the second. (SLURPING)
(CHUCKLES)
(MICHELLE MOANING)
Oh, this is nice. Get in here, guys.
I don't wanna hog it all.
Michelle, are you all right?
When it's this perfect,
it takes you to the brink of paralysis.
And then, at the last minute,
it just lets you go.
Three, two...
Uh-oh.
(MICHELLE GROANING)
Michelle?
- MICHELLE: Whoo.
- That's a very risky dish.
Oh, God. How long was I out?
Are you serious? Like 10 seconds.
Yeah.
It's a personal best.
I was thinking about having more.
CLAIRE: All right,
I think everybody's done with the fugu.
- I'm gonna tea it out, just for a second.
- Yeah.
I made you something.
What?
I mean, I thought I should give it to you now
'cause you keep eating things
that almost kill you.
(MICHELLE CHUCKLING)
I made the frame at school.
It's a nice frame, Rachel.
You did a good job.
Thanks.
When I look at the picture,
I just think we're like a weird family.
Okay. Ah.
Family? That's a little heavy-handed.
I think, you know, I'm not much into labeling.
You say "family," and we don't look alike.
I mean, I'm not even sure
that you two look alike.
We'll have to do a blood test on you for that.
You know, it's funny, looking at this,
I think what day is this?
'Cause I'm pretty sure I have a...
I have a previously scheduled thing.
I don't know what I was... You know.
Do what you do. I'm gonna do what I do.
I'll take care of the check.
I just...
What was that about?
(SIGHS) I don't know, sweetie. I don't know.
Hi! Sorry, baby.
Michelle was supposed to pick you up.
I know. I texted her like 500,000 times.
All of her stuff is gone.
"Thank you for letting me stay in your home.
Sincerely, MD.
"P.S. I won't miss your couch."
That's impersonal.
A bit.
I shouldn't have given her that picture of us.
Sweetie, she loved your picture.
No, come on.
She left because it was her time to leave.
Michelle is a redhead and a Scorpio.
It's a very impulsive combo.
These little bites of goodness
are puttin' kids in college...
Yes.
...are giving young women in this country
a business plan
and the thought in their head of like,
"Yes, I can."
Is she picking up?
And if you buy four sets,
you get this adorable wagon.
(CLEARS THROAT)
No. It's her voicemail.
I got 'em! I got 'em!
(INHALES DEEPLY)
These are going to be huge.
How does she do it? I want in.
More milk.
No, I'm feeling reckless.
I want to do it myself this time.
Ah.
Good job.
CLAIRE: It's just, a little common courtesy
would be nice, you know?
If she ever returned my calls,
I would know about these press days
in the middle of nowhere.
Mom, look!
RENAULT: Congratulations, Claire.
Honey, why don't you, um, go on inside,
just look both ways before you cross, okay?
Okay.
What're you doing here?
Looks like you and Michelle
have built yourself quite a little empire.
What do you want?
I want to take what Michelle Darnell has built.
I want her to realize that I have taken it away.
And when she realizes it, when that moment
of realization crosses her face,
and she realizes
that I have realized it as well...
I've lost my train of thought.
Yeah, I'm not following.
I want the fucking company, Claire.
- (INHALES DEEPLY)
- It's only a matter of time
before Michelle Darnell screws you over.
MICHELLE: So get in there.
I see you eyein' those brownies.
Let's have some bites. Go ahead.
They're not gonna bite you.
You're gonna bite them. (CHUCKLES)
Let's get a shot of those.
Huh, pretty good stuff, right?
Oh, my God.
MICHELLE: Oh, amazing!
This is Chrystal.
It's one of the Darnell originals.
She's a giant. Huh?
I mean, I'm not a doctor, but I have eyes.
(CHUCKLES) Isn't that fun? Come on with me.
- I got a surprise for all of you guys...
- (SIGHS)
I think you're gonna be very excited about.
I'd like to present
the new Darnell Darlings' mascot!
Hit it!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Take some snaps of this. I know you want to.
MICHELLE: It's a phoenix.
Michelle.
You get in there. I know you're not shy.
What is this?
It's a phoenix, Claire. It's my totem animal.
Okay. So you leased
a commercial kitchen without telling me?
Yes. I'm kind of waiting for a,
"Thank you, Michelle!"
Wow, um. I'm having a hard time
with the "thank you"
because you also hired all of these people
without consulting me.
I do know that
you've been complaining pretty consistently
about having to do all the baking
and doing it at your house.
I fixed all that for ya.
And you're more mad than ever.
- I don't get it, Claire.
- You didn't...
Michelle, you didn't consult me
on any of this, okay?
I see a bunch of press.
One of us, not you, got the press here.
Right. Okay.
Well, maybe they should know that
the new and improved Michelle Darnell
is just as self-centered and egotistical
as the old Michelle Darnell.
- Really? Do you wanna do this?
- Sure!
- 'Cause I would love to do this.
- Great.
You follow me.
I will follow you, from the front.
- No, not from the front. From the back!
- Yes!
Don't put your arm in front of me!
You can't tell me what to do!
You're not my boss anymore!
We are partners, 50-50,
and you can't make decisions
without telling me!
We are not partners, Claire!
I am a successful businesswoman.
You are a lonely woman who can
make a halfway decent brownie!
And we all have
our little secrets, Claire. Right?
You double-crossing,
hand-holding, sneaky little rat!
What are you talking about?
God, I can't believe I helped you!
I took you in off the street, okay?
When no one else would.
You are such a clich.
Okay? You're getting close to people
so now you have to push them away.
Okay, don't analyze me, Dr. Phil!
Why're you guys doing this?
Rachel, you know what,
just go inside, honey.
No! No! You do not tell my daughter
what to do.
And you know what?
Don't ever speak to her again.
Mom, why would you say that?
It's fine, Rachel, just...
Girls, go inside! Now!
You know what? I don't need this.
I don't need that.
I don't need any of it.
Let's see how far
your brownie recipe takes you.
I'm cutting you loose and sailin' off!
I don't need you two weighing me down!
Rachel!
Rachel?
You're the only one
that's gonna take care of you.
The only one.
STEPHAN: Excuse me,
you can't just go in there!
Watch me.
Hi, Ronald!
Ooh, I like your new bitches.
I saw you sniffing around my bakery.
You looking to get into
the brownie business?
Why? Are you looking to sell your business?
Why not?
I have no personal stakes in it.
It's just business to me.
And you've always liked collecting my things.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(LOW GRUNT)
Okay. And since this one's
coconut macadamia,
if you have a nut allergy,
I don't want you anywhere near...
When's Michelle coming back?
I don't know, Chrystal.
She's like our leader.
My mom's gonna run this place.
Yes, I will be running the business
until Michelle comes back, or...
STEPHAN: Knock, knock. Hi, it's Stephan!
Hi! I have a message from
the new owner of Darnell's Darlings,
Mr. Renault.
Uh, sorry, I think there's a mistake.
I'm one of the owners here.
This is an eviction notice.
She sold us out?
How could she do that?
Oh, she just did it.
Okay, let's kick this guy's ass!
Hey, shit brains!
Chrystal!
Protect me. Protect me.
This is not cowardice. She's very tall!
Really wish you'd let me kick his ass.
You know what?
It was a good business decision.
Don't start feelin' bad about good...
(SIGHS)
Good decisions.
Why would Michelle do that to us?
I just don't get it.
(SOBBING)
(CLAIRE SIGHS)
Well, you know, sweetie,
Michelle has got a lot of baggage.
She's an asshole.
Language.
Sorry.
But you're right. She is an asshole.
Darnell, you are a real asshole.
(GRUNTS)
Piece of shit.
(SNIFFLES)
CLAIRE: I know what I'm gonna do.
- I'm gonna sue the pants off her.
- Oh...
No, I'm not because
she'll throw too many lawyers at me
and she's a shark in court.
Yeah. This is a test.
You want me to kill her with this bagel knife.
- And I'll do it.
- (CHUCKLES)
To pledge my allegiance to you, milady,
I'll do it.
No. Thank you.
Ooh, you guys are kissing.
- Heya, Rachel! Hi. How are you?
- Hi.
- Did you sleep over?
- CLAIRE: Oh, God, no.
What, have a sleepover here? Ew.
- No, he didn't.
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Yuck!
- No, that would be terrible.
- I don't know about "yuck".
I don't mean "yuck." I meant...
CLAIRE: Don't know if it'll...
MIKE: I mean...
- It could be nice.
- Might be nice.
- It's nice for people to spend the night.
- We don't know yet.
- We don't know yet.
- We don't know yet.
Would you please grab
some more garbage bags?
We have a lot of trash.
Yeah.
Why did I make that so weird?
- It's fine.
- Didn't have to.
- Didn't have to make it that weird.
- (GASPS)
- Holy shit!
- CLAIRE: Language!
Holy shit!
Uh...
This is all seeming probably so much
stranger than what I had intended.
I'm sorry to startle you, Rachel.
What are you doing in my closet?
Well, uh, to give you the whole...
I thought I have a great idea
to surprise you with an apology,
and my sincere "I'm sorry."
So I let myself in, in the middle of the night.
So once I was actually
waiting here in the dark,
and you were getting up for the morning,
I thought, "Uh-oh.
"This could seem
kind of threatening and menacing."
And I panicked a little bit
and just darted into the closet.
So, surprise! I'm sorry.
And, dang it,
I shouldn't have sold that company.
I think we're done. Okay, well...
You know... So thank you, I guess,
for breaking into my home.
I said I was sorry.
Great. We heard you. Okay.
- I apologized.
- I heard you.
There's the door.
You sold us out.
Yeah, I did.
I sold you out.
And I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
And I'm hoping, somehow,
you can forgive me.
And I just wanna throw it out there
that I have completely forgiven you, Claire,
for trying to sell me out first with Renault so...
What are you talking about?
I saw you.
Okay? I saw you and Ronald
outside the bakery.
He was smelling your hand
- and I know what that means, okay?
- (SCOFFS)
I mean, he has smelled many of my parts,
and I have smelled many of his parts.
I was telling Renault that I'm not willing
to sell him a single, solitary brownie,
let alone my entire company.
(STAMMERING)
That's a mix-up, huh?
Michelle, I would never in a million years
do that to you, okay?
You know... I mean, God.
What goes on in your brain?
I don't know.
I mean, I don't have a lot of,
you know, experience
or a reference point for...
I didn't have a family, or a mom, or a dad.
And I totally get it
if you never talk to me again.
So I don't want you to feel bad about that.
I just wanted you to know
that I think you're very nice people.
Great people, actually.
You're the closest thing to a family
I've ever had.
And I'm real sorry I screwed that up.
I'm gonna miss you, Michelle.
MIKE: Should I go?
I think I should go.
- Oh, my God.
- It's an awkward time for me
to just be, like,
creeping around in the background.
I had no idea you were still here.
- Should I go, or should I...
- No, you're fine.
I do not like what you did.
I do not like it! And I do not like it.
She really doesn't like it, guys.
You know, I...
If anyone's curious,
I do think I know how to fix this.
I signed that contract with Renault
late Friday night.
I wanna remind you I was wounded,
I was a little tipsy.
- CLAIRE: Oh, God.
- Okay.
And it's Sunday.
No one will be in his offices.
Plus, he can't file
for a corporate change of ownership
until tomorrow morning.
I can get in there tonight,
I can get that contract,
and I can take our company back.
Wait, what do you mean "get the contract"?
He must have scanned and emailed it
a hundred times by now.
No, no, no. Anybody else, yes, but not him.
Ronald is completely paranoid
about being hacked. Okay?
He has no cell phones, no emails.
He leaves no digital trail.
Claire knows this.
He's all old-school pen and paper.
It's the samurai way.
Okay, I'm in. Let's do this. I'm in.
CLAIRE: Why would you be in?
MIKE: What do you mean why would I be in?
You've been talking all morning about
how you wanted to get your company back.
And you guys are gonna need help,
and I'm a helpful guy.
How's that for a reason?
You're gonna get rewarded for that.
MIKE: Well, that's not why I did it.
- I'm in, too.
- MICHELLE: No, Claire.
This is my fault and I'm gonna fix it.
Michelle, this is my decision.
And I want our company back.
Yes, Claire.
All right, let's fuck this shit up.
- Language.
- Sorry. I'm sorry.
I need to get a sitter.
Yeah, you do.
MICHELLE: As soon as we get out
I want you to grab the gasoline,
some rags, and torch the van.
MIKE: What are you talking about?
I rented the van. It's on my credit card.
You go down, you go down alone.
How would we even get home?
That's a good point. MVP, Claire.
Uh-oh. There's no door handle back here.
There's absolutely... Oh.
- Thank you, Claire.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
Okay. I still don't think you should be here.
But if we get caught,
I want you to tell the police
that I forced you here by gun.
You gotta watch out for Rachel.
Okay. You don't have a gun, though, right?
- What am I, a thug?
- Okay.
MIKE: I'm such a badass!
This is gonna be amazing!
Also, by the way, guys,
I was googling jail sentences.
Since none of us are actually armed,
minimal jail time.
Oops. Just excuse me for one minute.
(GASPS) Michelle!
Well, it's a collector's item.
Ditch it.
Chuckin' a gun in a garbage can. That's smart.
- What?
- Oh, my God.
Okay! I know it was wrong. I self-corrected.
No, you didn't. I just asked you to throw...
Well, you made me throw it away. Okay.
Okay, there it is. Renault Enterprises.
The contract is probably in his private office,
which is at the top of the building.
I'm guessing there's a safe,
could be in the wall.
Could be behind
one of those creepy paintings.
There's one guard on duty tonight.
Mike, I need you to distract the guard
while Claire lumbers in,
and I follow behind like a cougar.
Okay, next, we head upstairs.
Claire, I'm gonna give you a head start
'cause I'm gonna take
those motherfuckers 10 at a time.
You stand there
with your mouth hangin' open, and pointin',
and I'll slide into home base.
Mike, I need you to distract the guard
by coming from the east, turning him around,
so when we approach,
while you're sucking his dick,
we can get right past him.
So under no circumstances...
I'm sucking his what?
You're sucking his dick.
- I'm sucking his dick?
- Oh.
MICHELLE: Well, I'm not gonna suck his dick.
I'm the brains behind it.
The brains never sucks the dick.
- Why am I sucking his dick?
- I don't wanna suck his dick!
Claire doesn't wanna suck his dick!
How 'bout none of us suck that man's penis?
Yeah, what if nobody sucks his dick?
No dick suckin'.
Well, I worked on that plan a long time.
Fine. Fine, let's go to plan B.
MIKE: Yeah, that sounds good.
If you're gonna be a baby and not suck dick,
that's fine with me.
(GROANING)
- KENNY: Hey, there.
- Hey! How you doing?
Is this 9800 Michigan?
I'm late for a birthday party.
No, this is 9900.
- This is 9900?
- Yeah.
- Well, wouldn't you know it?
- Yeah.
Why are you dressed like that?
What are you dressed as?
I'm glad you asked me.
I am actually a demon. I'm a phoenix.
(SNICKERING)
Pretty cool, right?
Are you into demons?
Yeah. I know a fair amount.
KENNY: That is very cool.
MIKE: You can touch the feathers if you want.
Yeah, a lot of people don't know that.
It was a demon.
It's actually pronounced Quetzalcatl.
(WHISPERING) He's talking too much.
He'd be a lot quieter
with a penis in his mouth.
- I'm into demons.
- You are?
- Yeah.
- I think you said that.
I really am. I do a lot of fantasy role-play.
That's so weird.
Yeah, gets a little boring in here sometimes.
- I bet.
- I whistle.
- You whistle?
- I whistle a lot in here.
- Let's hear some.
- Yeah.
(WHISTLING)
Why is that one whistling?
Just kind of holding that one note.
Yeah, I like to do that. I like to play
with bars and structures, things like that.
MIKE: You got a real hefty
lung capacity there.
I never got your name.
- Yeah, it's... It's Jim. Jimberly.
- Jim?
- Jimberly?
- Jimberly Stevenson.
(MIKE YELLING)
What's going on?
It's a cramp! God, I got a cramp!
- Kenny!
- All right. I can help you. I can help you.
- It's in the quad! No, it's in the quad.
- Right here? Right here?
That's the top. That's the top.
KENNY: Okay? Right there?
MIKE: That's a little too close
to the groin, Kenny.
That's a no-fly zone.
- All right? How's that?
- Jelly. Back to square one.
- We're good?
- Yup! Yup, yup.
- I don't wanna overdo it.
- Phew.
Okay. Well, hey.
- Kenny, you're one of the good ones, man.
- Yeah.
Yeah, not a lot of guys
would do that for another guy.
- I'll do it for you.
- Thanks, man.
- But we'll hang. We'll do it.
- Yeah, we'll totally hang.
No big deal, buddy.
All right, have a good one.
Bye, Jimberly.
That's an odd choice for a lobby sculpture.
He's an odd guy.
You know, they say
he killed a man in Costa Rica.
What?
Oh, Jesus.
Jimberly. "J", "J".
Maybe it's "J-Y-M."
What the fuck? There's no Jimberlys.
Okay, well, where is it?
I'm sorry,
I was a little tipsy last time I was here.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Oh.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, God!
- Oh, my God. Guys, check us out!
We're total burglars.
We burgle. We're burgling!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I feel like this is going great.
Michelle, you brought trash bags,
baby wipes, shower gel.
Do you actually think we're gonna need rope?
Come on! Every story
about a burglar always involves rope.
- That's true.
- It's in all the movies.
I am a mogul, not a cat burglar.
I'm also the only one
that thought to bring provisions.
MIKE: Michelle, stop! I forgot, I'm sorry.
I stole the guard's keycard
while he was massaging me.
- (CHUCKLING)
- You stole his key?
Yeah. Okay.
MIKE: Somebody loves Mortal Kombat.
CLAIRE: Let's just find the contract
and get outta here.
- Okay.
- I bet you he put it in his panic room.
That's what I'd do if I had a panic room.
It's probably voice-activated,
high-tech stuff in here.
Open desk.
- Yeah. Open desk!
- CLAIRE: Open...
No, it was just manual.
I got it! In his desk drawer,
in a file marked "Darnell."
Probably overthought that one.
It's classic Mike.
- MIKE: I do that a lot.
- Let's go!
RENAULT: Son of a bitch, Stephan!
You left the door open!
Oh.
Well, who do we have here?
Michelle Darnell, the baker and Quetzalcatl.
That is impressive.
I mean, you gotta give him that.
I'm not even wearing the mask.
That wouldn't be our contract
you're holding, would it, Michelle?
You wouldn't be foolish enough
to back out of our plan, would you?
You know what?
It was never her company to sell.
- I own 50% of it, so...
- RENAULT: Yeah.
- I may have fudged the initial paperwork.
- You what?
- But I am sorry.
- So, I'm not...
- And I will rectify...
- Michelle!
You will be. You will be. I'm sorry.
I wonder, how should I approach this?
Call the proper authorities and turn you in?
Or we could just
talk it out amongst ourselves.
Do you know what the fascinating thing is
about the Japanese martial arts?
The discipline.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Ya!
The integrity.
The loyalty.
Okay, okay, stop!
I'll do it.
- I'll suck your dick.
- What?
MIKE: I don't wanna do it,
but if you promise
not to hurt anybody in this room,
I'll suck your dick.
Mike, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, my God. Mike, no.
- What?
- You don't want me to suck his dick?
- No.
Wrong dick, wrong time, Mike.
- Wrong dick.
- Wrong dick.
It was supposed to be the security guy's dick.
I was trying to be a team player.
Real eager, Claire. It's a red flag.
I don't like sucking dicks.
It's not my business.
RENAULT: Nobody's sucking my dick.
CLAIRE: Fair enough.
Well, that's the first time
I've heard you say that, but...
I'm going to plan B,
my tongue has always been my sword.
MIKE: Okay.
Put the knife away, Ronald.
It's not a knife. It's a katana.
Katana.
You're not gonna cut anyone
with that knife and we all know it.
(GASPS)
MIKE: Oh, shit!
Big bird, blondie, over there! Go! Scoot!
MIKE: Okay. All right, easy!
(GROANS)
Oh, shit.
Are you crazy, Ron? I'm bleeding!
Give me back what's mine.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Michelle!
- Oh, hello, old friend!
- Get off!
Oh, God, I've missed this.
God, you keep that shit tight. No!
(GRUNTING)
CLAIRE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Michelle, get up! Get up!
(GROANING)
MIKE: Just get up.
MICHELLE: Okay, let's be reasonable.
You know, I'm sure we can come to
some kind of an agreement.
Oh, we're past that point.
For the first time in my life,
I'm trying to do the right thing!
This is not about me and you!
You don't even want our company!
That's true, but you screwed me over
25 years ago, you bitch.
I thought sending you to prison would help,
but cutting you to ribbons
is the only way I'll get satisfaction!
(GRUNTS)
- Had enough?
- (GRUNTING)
Shit.
- Oh, check this out.
- MICHELLE: Fucking psycho!
(GRUNTING)
Back up.
(YELLING)
Look at that!
Just a figure eight. It's like double Dutch!
That's not how you do it.
Yeah, looks like I'm doing it.
Look at that.
I can bob, somebody can weave.
You see this shit.
Ow! God!
Huh? Twelve years of baton.
Everybody likes to make fun
of the baton girls.
Seven, eight, one, two, three, four...
(GASPING)
Just give him the contract!
No! I'm getting our company back!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
(EXCLAIMING)
I will cut you in your white meat!
- What?
- Oh, my God.
Ha!
Now we both have swords, huh?
What is happening?
Pretty fucking literal, Claire!
We're having a sword fight.
We're both fighting with swords.
I haven't been with another woman
since I've been with you.
Really? I've been with hundreds of men.
You whore!
(GRUNTING)
Oh, shit!
Claire!
CLAIRE: Michelle, let's go!
MIKE: Michelle, come on!
(BOTH GROANING)
It's been so long.
That's enough! It's too hot.
(BARKING)
Wait a minute! Why are we running up?
I don't know, it was the only door.
I'm doing the best I can!
I should not be running with a sword!
Okay, all right! Okay. All right.
There's gotta be a way down!
Get away from there. Come here.
Michelle, I'm not
so good with heights, you know.
I'm feeling kind of tingly.
Claire, look at me. You have been on
a helipad before and it's gonna be fine.
Right. Right, but then
they weren't chasing us with swords!
You make a good point.
Claire, I'm sorry I got you into this.
RENAULT: Michelle!
STEPHAN: God, I need to do more cardio.
Go over there. Go over there! Be careful.
You left so suddenly.
Okay, let them go. I'm the one you want.
You know, I killed a man
in Costa Rica with this sword.
I guess you would call it my killing sword.
(SHOUTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
You're terrible in bed!
I know.
(WHIMPERING)
Oh, my God! Michelle!
Whoa. Honey! Let her go, Claire!
She's making a fortune in heaven.
Hey, hey. Hey, smile!
Okay, everyone take it easy.
I've been filming this the whole time.
Take the sword away from her
or I swear to God I'm gonna hit "send."
Yeah, you're not gonna hit "send"
because I'm gonna chop your hand off.
- (GRUNTING)
- CLAIRE: No!
Oh, my God.
- Brother!
- RENAULT: No!
Son of a... (YELLS) Samurai!
Shut up!
Oh, thank goodness!
Michelle, are you all right?
MICHELLE: I'm fine!
I'm about to feel much better.
- RENAULT: No.
- Yes!
Be wrong to ask for your forgiveness?
It's Ron talking.
- Oh, Ron!
- I'm sorry.
Renault, do you
still need me to hold them at bay?
Oh, my God.
Come here.
Ow.
Ow.
Michelle, don't make out with the sociopath!
I know. You make a good point.
But this is really good stuff.
Victim here.
Michelle!
CLAIRE: Michelle! He literally tried to kill you!
MICHELLE: I know. But his mouth didn't!
MICHELLE: Okay! Attention, everyone!
I just wanna say what a great first year
for the Darnell's Darlings.
And what a great first house
for Rachel and Claire.
(ALL CHEERING)
MIKE: Cheers!
Finally, they have a decent guestroom
so I can stay over when I get blasted.
- CLAIRE: Michelle.
- What's "blasted"?
I'll show you in about
three drinks. (LAUGHING)
- No, she won't.
- MICHELLE: I'm kidding.
But if I can,
can I take a serious note for a minute,
and I just wanna say I'm proud of you.
You've built a great family home here
for you and Rachel.
And I'm awfully glad
that I get to be a part of that. So.
Thank you, Michelle.
Thank you.
Oh, and thank you for the new sofa!
You really shouldn't have done that.
Oh, well, I should have, though.
I mean, the old one was
very uncomfortable and very dangerous.
But don't worry. I don't wanna hear it.
I did donate it to just the right person.
(THUDDING)
Hannah!
Michelle Darnell just sent us a sofa bed.
You know what I call that? A victory. I win.
Whatever.
Oh, it is comfortable.
Ah. (CHUCKLING)
It's comfortable...
(YELLING)
Darnell!
I may have had
a little bit of your Scotch last night
and I got into the most wonderful chip.
It was called a Dorito.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
I've had wonderful Vermont ched...
(BOTH GIGGLING)
I'm so sorry. God, I'm a hack.
MICHELLE: Hi, Rachel.
It's Rachel!
That's what I said.
DIRECTOR: One more time.
(ALL GIGGLING)
I'm an icon.
I am not a professional burger.
(LAUGHING)
But I like burgers.
I took the guard's keycard. Oh, fuck me.
I took the card from the geek.
What the fuck is it?
I took the guard's keycard.
I took the card from the geek.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God. Again.
Katana.
Oh, gosh. Sorry.
- CLAIRE: Stop picking up wood! Michelle!
- (CREW LAUGHING)
DIRECTOR: Here we go.
Oh, God. I'm gonna pee my pants.
(BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER)
Oh, my God. No.
Please give me one more shot.
- You pop...
- (GIGGLING)
When you left my life...
(STAMMERING) Shit. Fuck.
What was that? I should've been so...
Meryl Streep would've just kept going.
I stand corrected.
Do you want some nuts?
(GIGGLING)
So we can get to the elevators
- while you're sucking his dick.
- (GIGGLING)
Wait. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I saw it coming
from a mile away. I'm so sorry.
Okay. I can get in there.
I can get the contract
and I can take back our country.
DIRECTOR: What do you mean "take..."
- God damn it. (GIGGLING)
- (CREW LAUGHING)
I object to parolees attending our meetings
and I'd like to put that
in the official transcreept...
(CHUCKLING)
I made a good business...
You know what?
You made a good business...
Really? You fucking kidding me?
I can't say "decision."
- CLAIRE: Language, Michelle.
- Yeah.
Good night!
(CREW LAUGHING)
You think they'll ever yell "cut"?
(LAUGHING)
No.