(FREDDY)
Oh, shut up, Dolly, get on with it.
(DOLLY)
Don't talk to me like... okay.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Just as I said, don't step on my foot.
- Okay, darling. Okay.
- That's all I want...
Have you seen my black toe?
Well, how did you...
I didn't stand on it on my own, darling.
- One, two, three, four. Good.
- One, two, three, four.
- You're such a good teacher, darling.
- I know I am.
- And one, and two...
- Three. Now we go sideways.
- Yes, okay.
- And don't forget. And side.
What is going on?
Dorottya.
May I inquire what on earth is going on?
Well, good morning, Ms. Trudeau.
Freddy and Dolly were just
having an early morning dance,
and they weren't dressed warm enough,
you know, so I thought that...
- It is not your place, Dorottya.
- Mrs. Trudeau.
You should have notified
the night nurse.
I'll take over now...
Thank you.
Merciful God, I'm so bored.
Bored, bored.
- Why?
- Must one have a reason?
(HENRY)
It depends what you're bored with.
For one thing, you're the queen.
I'm glad you mentioned it.
You've been on a crusade.
You must have seen wonderful things,
things that I've only dreamed of.
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
And do you dream a lot,
Henry Plantagenet?
(HENRY)
Yes, I do. I hold the world in my hands.
Daddy, please, be reasonable.
For once.
That's a big dream.
(HENRY)
Yes. Tell me about Jerusalem.
Jerusalem.
Jerusalem was boring and very hot.
[MUTES TV]
Dimitri, Dimitri.
What have I done that I should
be treated so disrespectfully?
- Please stop being such an old ham.
- That it should come to this.
Hmm?
Hiring somebody to care about me.
Caring for you.
It's not the same thing.
We could never hope to pay
anyone to care about you.
Oh!
Thank you, Sophia. Always a kind word
for your dying father.
Just see her for a few minutes.
Talk to her, is that too much to ask?
- Is she a Muslim?
- Oh, don't start that again.
- Of course she's not a Muslim.
- The last one was a Muslim.
- No, she wasn't. She was Russian.
- She had a burka.
She didn't have a burka.
She had a cold.
- I'm still not interested.
- Daddy, please.
Oh! Bugger off!
And let me rest in peace.
[LAUGHTER]
You didn't say you were going
straight to the Oscars.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
- You must be Dorothy.
- Yes, Dorottya. Dorottya Horvat.
- I'm Sir Michael Gifford's chauffeur.
- Nice to meet you, hello.
Mmm...
[CHUCKLES]
Sorry, what was your name?
Joseph, miss... Joseph McGill.
And how long have you been
working for Sir Gifford, Joseph?
Over 40 years.
My father saw H. Lear in Belgrade.
He used to rave about it all the time.
- I was there, you know.
- No way.
- I was his dresser back then.
- [CHUCKLING] Amazing.
He was the life and soul of the company.
He'd be laughing and
joking in the wings,
and then go on stage and play tragedy.
If he had to cry in the part,
I'd be waiting there in the wings
with a glass of champagne,
to dab his eyes.
Piper Heidsieck, 2002.
That's the year at the moment.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Nowadays, I work mostly
for his daughter, Mrs. Morley.
- (DOROTTYA) Doing what?
- Driving.
I do the gardening.
Lovely garden.
- So you don't dress him anymore?
- Good God, no.
He hates that now.
Hates being dependent.
Quite right. I hate it, too.
Well, I'm told he is difficult.
No, no, miss, that's not right.
He's bloody impossible.
- [EXHALES] Wow.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
My God.
- Rather big, isn't it?
- Oh, yes. Let me help you.
No, no. No, no, no.
I tell you, it's a nightmare to keep up.
That's why I work in the garden.
And, um, Mrs. Morley?
What's she like?
She's her father's daughter.
Very strong willed.
She wants him to sell up
and move in with her.
But Sir Michael's lived
the whole of his life here.
The best years, anyway.
Oh, well.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Hello, Miss Horvat.
Dorottya, isn't it?
Unusual name. Though not if
you're Romanian, of course.
Hungarian, actually.
I am 100 percent Hungarian.
- Even if my name is Horvat.
- Yes, yes, of course.
Which in Hungarian means "Croat".
But I am Hungarian.
(SOPHIA) My mistake entirely.
This is Dr. Alastair Satterthwaite,
my father's doctor.
A pleasure to meet you.
And this is Milly Holcombe,
she manages the house.
Miss Horvat, I'm very sorry,
but it seems like you've come
all this way for no reason.
My father refuses
to have you as his carer.
I am very sorry.
I don't know what you mean.
Sir Gifford hasn't even met me.
You mean, "Sir Michael."
We don't say "Sir Gifford"
in this country.
I'm sorry.
Perhaps if we let Miss Horvat
stay for a few days...
(SOPHIA)
I don't think that's a good idea.
(ALASTAIR) It's a jolly good idea.
He might change his mind.
Just to spite you.
Joseph and I are perfectly capable of
looking after Michael. We really are.
Joseph hates doing it.
He said so himself.
And Sir Michael hates it, too.
You already know, I gather,
that Sir Michael suffers from
a rare type of Parkinson's disease.
- Yes.
- He has his good days, and,
well, less good ones.
For the time being, we can alleviate
the symptoms with medication,
but he soon might need to be
bathed, taken to the lavatory.
Wiped, if needs be.
Are you quite sure you're the kind
of person that could do that?
(DOROTTYA) Definitely, yes.
Unfortunately, I...
I have experience.
Before my father died, near the end,
I saw how much he was suffering
because he couldn't produce...
Stool?
Yes, the word is stool.
So sometimes I took him
into the lavatory,
and I put my finger into his, uh...
Rectum...
Rectum, yes, thank you.
To relieve him.
I didn't like doing it, but he was
my father, and he was in pain.
And that's what it's all about, right?
Helping and relieving.
Okay, well, I suppose
you can stay for a day or two.
Milly, will you take care
of Miss Horvat?
Make sure she's fed and...
Well, you know.
Is that okay with everyone?
Good.
So, what made them
change their minds, miss?
- I did.
- Oh! [CHUCKLES]
Excuse me, where is this one from?
Oh, Lord. BBC.
Some king or other.
Lots of kings. 1978.
- And that one up there?
- Troilus and Cressida.
Very good.
[CROAKING]
[GROANING]
Shit.
[GRUNTS] A-ha!
Got you, you little bastard.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[EXCLAIMING]
Yes. Okay, you're
going back in the pond.
Yes.
Shit.
[STRAINING]
Argh!
(SIR MICHAEL) Help!
Someone, come on!
Help me!
Hey! Someone fucking help me!
Help me!
When you've quite finished gawping,
would you please be so kind as to get
me out of this suppurating rose bush?
I feel like Buster fucking Keaton
on a bad day.
[BOTH STRUGGLING]
[SIGHING]
- Who the fuck are you?
- I am Dorottya.
I didn't ask your sodding name,
I asked who the fuck you are.
What are you doing in my garden?
I'm your new career.
- You're my "new career"?
- Yes.
Now, there's a depressing thought.
[FROGS CROAKING]
Fucking frogs!
I've spent a fortune on this
adventure park for them,
and the little buggers
won't even go near the place.
Why do you think that is?
They just can't appreciate beauty.
What did you say your name was, again?
Dordogne? Torino? Burrito?
Dorottya.
You're a scrawny little thing.
I pulled you up, didn't I?
Not very pretty.
Actually... Well, I think...
You look like a girl
I used to fancy in nursery.
Which you look as
if you're still attending.
And don't say I look like someone.
I'm too famous to look like anyone else.
Other people look like me.
If they're lucky.
Oh! Oh.
I think I need to lie down.
I'm going to be sick.
Oh! No.
[VOMITING]
(MILLY) Michael.
Michael, you are all right?
What's happening?
Don't fuss, Milly. I'm all right.
Tickety boo, never better.
You are covered in rose petals.
- Oh, yes, yes, rose petals.
- Didn't you know?
This young lady and I just got married.
- Really?
- I'm sorry you haven't been introduced.
This is Lady Dordogne
Dorito Burrito Gifford.
And we're on our way
to consummate the union.
For God's sake.
Oh, Milly, please, don't upset yourself.
Just go back where you came
from and leave me alone.
Michael, this is the girl
you told Sophia...
"Take thy form from off my door!"
"You fucking Raven, nevermore."
[SIGHS]
Silly cow.
Problem is, she adores me,
so I can't be too hard on her.
You did well, Tortilla.
Dorottya.
Whatever.
- Tell me who you are again.
- I am your career.
- Carer.
- "Carer."
- The word is pronounced "carer."
- Carer.
You haven't got a...
Oh, no, I don't smoke. And I don't
think that you should, either.
Who the fuck cares what you think?
I'm a dying man,
and it's traditional to give
a dying man a cigarette.
You'll find some over there.
In the Complete Works,
Shakespeare, page 1613.
Ah! Mmm.
[MOANS]
Now, you, too,
quickly pave the way to hell.
- Hello, miss.
- I'm so sorry. Hi.
How are you getting
along with Sir Michael?
I'm not. Milly will hardly
let me near him.
[CELL PHONE CHIMING]
I'll have a word.
Excuse me.
Hello.
[MAN SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN]
(WANDA) A letter came for you.
Turn on your video.
[SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN]
It's from the drama school.
What does it say?
[MAN SPEAKS IN HUNGARIAN]
"Dear Miss Dorottya Horvat."
"We are pleased to inform you,
that your application..."
You are in.
You've passed the first test.
- No way.
- Successful.
You have to ring some Ms. Henderson
to confirm your appointment
for the second round.
Don't forget to give them
your new address.
"Care of Sir Michael Gifford,"
they'll love that.
(MILLY) Dorottya!
Dorottya!
- She's over here.
- Where is "here"?
I have to go now. Bye.
Bye, Joseph.
Helping me in the garden.
We don't pay her to help you in
the garden. Tell her to come at once.
- (SIR MICHAEL) Go away!
- Michael, it's only Milly.
- Leave me alone!
- Michael, please.
- What's wrong?
- (SIR MICHAEL) I said, fuck off!
I think he had an accident.
- I'm coming in.
- Go away!
[GROANING]
- Oh, no.
- Yes, it stinks.
Stinkus, stinka, stinkum.
Did you...
Well, obviously I did.
- A number two?
- Of course it's a fucking number two!
Is this how pee smells in Bulgaria?
Hungary.
Fuck Hungary!
Oh! Just leave me alone!
(DOROTTYA) Of course I'm not
just gonna leave you alone.
[GROANING]
"What's in a name?"
"That which we call a rose by any
other name would smell as sweet."
[CHUCKLES]
"Speak the speech, I pray you,
as I pronounced it to you,"
trippingly on the tongue,
but if you mouth it,
as many of your players do,
"I had as lief the town-crier
spoke my lines."
"Be not too tame neither, but let
your own discretion be your tutor."
How the fuck do you do that?
When you can't even
speak proper English.
- I've been on the stage.
- Oh.
Now, just relax.
[EXHALES]
Oh, God.
(MILLY) No, I'm afraid, I think...
Probably, this is the
best thing to do then.
Okay.
No, I'll tell her. I'll tell her.
All right. Thank you very much. Bye-bye.
So...
The job is yours if you want it.
- Thank you.
- I mean it.
No, don't thank me.
It was Sophia's decision.
I hope you'll last.
I'll be okay.
So, after what's happened we'll have
to bring Michael's bed downstairs
and put it in the dining room.
And convert the scullery
into a bathroom.
Sir Michael's going to sleep
in the dining room?
Yep.
And you'll be next door.
It won't be as nice as it was upstairs,
but you'll have to stay
close to him day and night.
I'll arrange your pillows.
You should sleep.
Oh! So now you're gonna
tell me when to sleep?
I'm sorry I got that wrong.
I should sleep.
You were hired to give
a 24 hour service.
Exactly.
And the 25th hour is just starting.
[SIGHS]
Sweet dreams.
"To be or not to be."
[LAUGHING]
No, no.
To be or not to be.
That is...
(SIR MICHAEL) Dorottya!
That is the question.
Dorottya!
Do you know this?
This is why you called?
- Do you know it or not?
- Of course I do.
To Be or Not to Be.
Do you know, it was
all made by Hungarians.
Hungarian producer, Hungarian cameraman,
Hungarian set designer.
Even the man who wrote
the script was a Hungarian.
Hungarian my arse.
He was Polish.
Why do you always have to argue?
His name is Melchior Lengyel.
Which means Polish,
but he was Hungarian.
Of course. Who wasn't?
Anyway, anyway. Take a look at this.
Here is how it should be played.
He walks forward.
And he says, "To be..."
To be...
And here, he should take the long pause.
Everybody knows what's coming,
but he keeps them waiting for it.
And then the fucking idiot
prompter comes out with...
"Or not to be."
[LAUGHS]
- Much funnier, don't you think?
- Mel Brooks did.
- What?
- That's exactly how his version goes.
Oh, well, then.
He is clearly as talented as I am.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[WHISTLING]
Where in the name of Poseidon's
barnacled backside have you been?
(DOROTTYA) I'm sorry.
I took the wrong bus.
I mean, I took the right bus
in the wrong direction.
The stupid bus stop is on
the wrong side of the road.
Got my cigarettes?
Ah!
- What the hell is this?
- Guess.
I also bought this.
You see, you can cry without champagne.
Something you've learned about yourself.
You've been talking to Joseph.
How it had to be Piper Heidsieck 2002.
Joseph talks rot.
2006 was perfectly adequate.
(SIR MICHAEL) I'm not interested.
- Try it.
- Don't want to.
It's so simple.
Look, all you have to do is press
this key here, and you can text.
And you don't even have to write
whole words. Understand?
- No.
- Oh yes, you do. Don't be such a baby.
- All you have to...
- Oh! Please don't start again.
Well, then do it.
Shan't.
I already put my number
into your memory, so...
What?
You can write something,
and text it to me immediately.
Come on, try.
Oh!
[CAT MEOWS]
[GROANS]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
The cat dug his claws into my balls.
- What was all that screaming?
- The cat.
But it didn't hurt him.
He's fine.
[SIGHS]
I just...
I just can't bear to think
about him in those nappies.
He'll be okay.
I promise.
When someone's as young as you,
there's nothing very complicated
about old age.
A person's just old, and that's that.
When you look at Michael,
you see a sad, old, incontinent man.
But when I...
When I look at him, I just see
all the Michaels I've ever known.
That's not true.
When I look at him, I see all
the glorious roles that he has played.
Well, you've certainly lasted a lot
longer than any of the others.
He must like you.
I make him laugh.
He says you're not stupid.
Which is the nicest thing he's said
about anyone in the last 25 years. [CHUCKLES]
I had Sophia on the phone.
I told her that.
Thank you.
[CELL PHONE BEEPING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
You think the frogs smell
the presence of death?
Please stop talking about death.
- Why not?
- It's all I've got left.
That and shitting in my nappies.
I don't suppose there's any point in
asking you to help me to commit suicide?
Um, no.
You won't get into any trouble.
Oh, I've got it all worked out.
No.
Scared you'd lose your job?
Obviously. They wouldn't pay me
to push around an empty wheelchair.
I thought so.
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
It is hard to have a conversation
with someone who knows what
I've got on under my trousers.
Think of it as a protection
from the cat's claws.
It's like doublet and hose.
[EXHALES]
You remember that actor from the movie?
He always looked like he was
wearing nappies, right?
- Jack Benny.
- Yeah.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
So, tell me.
Why are you really here?
I don't know what you mean.
I'm your carer.
Carer, my arse.
Career, more like it.
You say you're an actress.
Hmm...
"A rose by any other name
would smell as sweet."
Well, obviously you must
have played Juliet.
No, I haven't.
But I did play Hamlet.
What are you?
Another Sarah fucking Bernhardt?
Well, I was much better than her.
Ooh! Oh!
[GIGGLES]
Modest with it.
I grew up in an experimental theater.
Ah! Suck it and see.
There was a director, the heart
and soul of the company.
He said, "Being an actor
is not something you do",
"it's something you are."
So I said to him, "Let me be Hamlet."
He was very ill by then and
far beyond worrying about critics.
So he let me be Hamlet.
They gave it rave reviews in the end,
but he didn't live to read them.
A merciful release, perhaps.
So, is that why you're here?
I don't know what you mean.
[SIGHS]
"Will you play upon this pipe?"
Recognize it?
Act Three, Scene Two.
But I don't know it in English.
Oh! Come on, Dorottya.
You're not gonna pass up
the chance to play Guildenstern
opposite to
Sir Michael Gifford's Hamlet?
"Will you play upon this pipe?"
"My Lord, I cannot."
"I pray you."
"Believe me, I cannot."
"I do beseech you."
"I know no touch of it, my Lord."
"'Tis as easy as lying.
"Govern the ventages
with your finger and thumb,"
"give it breath with your mouth,"
"and it will discourse
most eloquent music."
"But these cannot I command
to any utterance of harmony,."
"I do not have the skill."
No.
You have not the skill.
You have absolutely no chance
of making it on the stage here.
- (DOROTTYA) I can learn.
- You certainly need to.
- Then teach me.
- Out of the question.
- Why?
- You have to look up to your teacher.
But I do look up to you.
Of course. From below.
When you're washing my arse.
- Hello, Joseph.
- Hey.
- Will you take her around?
- You bet.
Where's Milly?
She's taking Dorottya
to the train station.
She's been telling me
how well you get on with her.
- I'm so pleased.
- With whom?
Miss Horvat.
Alastair also says she's
doing a first-class job.
I haven't the foggiest idea
who you're talking about.
Of course you do.
Joseph picked her out for you.
Which immediately made her far more
suitable than the ones I found.
Mmm... "Did I deserve
no more than a fool's head?"
"Is that my prize?"
Funny you should mention prizes.
I got a call this morning.
The Critics' Guild want to give you
a Lifetime Achievement Award.
About fucking time.
What? They run out of pygmies?
TV stars and second-raters?
- Do I have to pay?
- Of course you don't.
I said that you'd be very honored,
and I would accept the award
on your behalf.
Mmm...
Just like your mother.
[CHUCKLES]
Not only my money,
you want my glory, too.
God. What a monster you've become.
Or were you just born that way?
I don't know.
You'd have to ask my mum.
And find Joseph, will you?
I need a word. [DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
(DOROTTYA) Do you think
they're all the same age?
(MILLY) I haven't the foggiest idea.
Or do you think there are old birds,
and young birds, and middle-aged birds,
and one day the oldest ones
just drop out of the sky, dead?
"There's a certain providence
in the fall of a sparrow."
"In the fall of a sparrow."
"If it be now, 'tis not to come.
"'Tis not to come."
"If it be not to come, it will be now."
"It will be now."
"If it be not now, yet it will come..."
"If it be not now..."
"The readiness is all."
"The readiness is all."
Don't tell me you've played Hamlet, too?
[LAUGHS] Don't be absurd.
I've seen Michael play
it so many hundreds
of times that some of it's gone in.
A bit like passive smoking.
You're a funny girl, Dorottya.
That's probably why he's
taken to you like he has.
[EXHALES] I don't think I was
ever really very funny.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Were you and him ever...
It was ages ago.
He didn't want to get a divorce,
I wanted to kill myself.
I didn't, of course.
People generally don't.
Some do.
Particularly the very young.
They're so impatient.
They're incapable of
waiting for anything.
Even death.
Drink up. You've got a train to catch.
- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Yes, Joseph.
Come in.
Close the door.
- You're looking a bit scruffy.
- I've been gardening, sir.
Oh! Yes, of course.
"Thrift, thrift, Horatio!"
- [CHUCKLES] Sit down.
- I...
Sit! Mmm!
- Tea? Do you like muffins?
- No, thank you, sir.
How long have we known
each other, Joseph?
Ooh! Well, over 40 years, sir.
We've always got along
pretty well, haven't we?
Yes, sir, I think so.
[CHUCKLES]
In fact, I think you might well
be my best friend, Joseph.
Thank you, sir. I'm...
I'm very touched.
- So why start lying to me now?
- I'm sorry, sir?
Sorry's not good enough, Joseph.
- This is betrayal.
- Sir Michael.
The girl, Joseph.
Don't piss about.
Well, I just thought
you'd both be well suited.
You must admit, she's perked you up.
And all that Shakespeare,
she speaks it, too.
So we speak the same language, yeah?
Yes, sir, that's about it.
Hmm...
I'll...
Joseph.
When you put manure around the roses,
does it make them grow?
- Oh! Yes, sir.
- But it smells, Joseph. Stinks.
- I dare say, sir.
- This Burrito business stinks.
Stinks of conspiracy to me.
Just like any play.
What's that?
Something you said to me once.
"Great dramatists and
great actors conspire"
to blow up complacency, corruption,
"pretension, all the vices of
our rich, sordid, jaded world."
"With humor, passion and, wherever
possible, a large dollop of sex."
- Did I really say that?
- I wrote it down.
Oh God. You must let me have a copy.
I haven't said anything
that good for years.
'Tis much he dares, and, to that
dauntless temper of his mind,
he hath a wisdom that doth guide
his valor to act in safety.
There is none but he
whose being I do fear,
and, under him My genius is rebuked,
as it is said Mark Antony's
was by Caesar.
He chid the sisters
when first they put
the name of king upon me.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Much improvement since last time.
- Thank you.
(MAN) Next.
Dorottya Horvat.
[WHISPERS] You're next.
Good luck.
(MAN) How are you?
Good, thank you.
Jolly spiffing, tickety boo,
never better.
And you?
We're a bit tired, late in the day.
But I'm sure you'll
jolt us back to life.
Let's see, you're Hungarian,
you did some acting in Budapest,
and we liked you.
But we had some concern about
the level of your English.
I think my pronunciation has
improved a lot since then.
I'm not surprised.
It says here that you're being
tutored by Sir Michael Gifford.
See, I am actually not being...
I saw in the paper this morning.
Sir Michael's getting a Lifetime.
Achievement Award from
the Critics' Guild.
Do pass on our
congratulations, won't you?
Now, last time you did
Shakespeare pieces.
This time I'd like you to improvise.
Invent a character, and let
us see her secret thoughts.
That'll be easier in terms
of your accent as well.
Both for Shakespeare and for us.
[CHUCKLES]
Why don't you do someone with an accent?
Zsa Zsa Gabor, for example?
No.
Actually, I'll be
Professor Henrietta Higgins.
And what do you teach,
my dear professor?
Diction. And proper
English pronunciation.
(DOROTTYA)
For girls with strong accents.
I have no more questions then.
Two minutes, my dear Professor Higgins.
It's been a long day.
A little talent.
But so many who have no
idea of what it takes.
Look at this one, for example...
She says in her application
that she's an actress. [LAUGHS]
In Budapest or Bucharest?
What's the difference, anyway?
Have they even got a theater there?
Although, come to think of it,
that Molnar fellow,
he was a Hungarian, right?
The one who wrote that,
um, that Carousel.
Well, I was in that one, playing
that famous actress, Ilona.
I was pretty good in that.
Well, I was absolutely fantastic.
That Molnar fellow,
he could really write.
But who has ever heard
of a Hungarian actress?
Oh, yeah, Zsa Zsa Gabor, of course.
And Eva Gabor and Magda Gabor.
But that's one family.
Is that really it?
I mean, they're hardly
the bloody Redgraves. Right?
[CHUCKLES]
Dorottya!
Where's that bloody girl?
She's never here when I need her.
She went to visit her uncle.
You let her go.
Look.
Oh, it's sweet.
Remind you of anyone?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I'm glad you like her.
She's the first one you don't
seem to mind having around.
Milly.
Don't tell me you're jealous.
No, of course I'm not.
I just...
I don't exactly see what you see in her.
She has fire in her belly.
She reminds me of myself at that age.
A mixture of innocence,
hunger, and ruthlessness.
And me? What did you see in me?
Well, first of all,
your arse.
[LAUGHS]
And then, I would have sold
my soul to find out if your
breasts were pear or apple-shaped.
Yeah.
Oh, really?
And what were they?
Golden delicious.
Topped off with ripe strawberries.
Strawberries? Indeed.
Not anymore.
Very ripe.
When I saw you, I fell in love with you.
I know I did.
Straight off, just like that.
All my life I have been
hiding my feelings.
I just heard the news.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Got out of the habit of doing
anything real.
What does it feel like,
watching yourself?
Acutely depressing.
Like looking at a mirror that
reflects what you used to be.
A kind of inverted Dorian Gray.
They've asked for some clips
to be used at the ceremony.
What's that?
More nappies?
"That great baby you see there is not
yet out of his swaddling clouts."
"Happily he's the second time
come to them,"
"for they say an old man
is twice a child."
Actually, it's toilet paper.
Speaking my language, eh?
I don't know what you mean.
All that Shakespeare bollocks.
It's contagious.
Well, I certainly hope so.
Quite right.
And talking of toilet paper, would you
please be so kind as to make sure
the paper unrolls over the top of the
roller, and not from the bottom?
I don't know how many times
I have to tell you,
but you keep putting it the wrong way.
- I swear you've never mentioned it.
- I did, you know.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did, Dorottya.
- No, you did not.
- I did.
- No, you didn't!
- I did, too, you Romanian bitch!
Hungarian!
I'm Hungarian!
I know you're a fucking Hungarian!
You keep fucking telling me!
I keep fucking telling you because
you keep fucking forgetting!
Your English has come on
since you've been here.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
But you deserved it.
Very possibly.
But just do it my way.
All right?
No problem.
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
(DOROTTYA)
So, will you go to the award thing?
Sophia thinks I shouldn't,
of course, but...
You know, comme ci,
comme ca, and all that.
Well, I think you should go.
I'd have to make a fucking speech.
Making speeches is your strong suit.
It might be like
attending my own funeral.
I would love that.
Hear all those nice things that
people have to say about me.
You'd be lucky.
I rang The Times once
and asked to see my obituary.
The buggers refused.
They never reveal anything
prior to publication.
You see? That's exactly
why you should go.
Otherwise it will be too late.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Hmm...
[MOUTHING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Dorottya!
[MUSIC STOPS]
(DOROTTYA) It will do you good to
get out of your gilded cage for once.
Quite right.
I don't suppose Milly will like it.
Who the fuck cares?
She doesn't need to know.
Today is market day.
She won't be back till the afternoon.
You know, maybe I oughtn't
to be seen in a wheelchair.
[SIGHS]
Just wait a second.
- (MAN) Good afternoon.
- Afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
- Afternoon.
Oh! Piss off!
I'm perfectly capable of sitting
at a table alone, thank you.
[SIGHS]
[MAN CHUCKLES]
- Sir Michael.
- George.
You're looking well.
Jolly spiffing, tickety
boo, never better.
Thank you.
You don't know how much people miss you.
You were our main attraction,
if you don't mind me saying so.
Perhaps I should charge
appearance money.
- Are you keeping busy, sir?
- Oh! Don't ask.
I've taken on a new secretary.
Name's Tortilla.
She's Bulgarian.
So what's it to be, sir? The usual?
Yes, please, George.
[GLASS TINKLING]
Oh, uh...
I don't make the law, Sir Michael.
I just have to obey it.
Understood.
Understood.
Cunt.
Hmm?
Kant. Immanuel Kant.
Famous outdoor smoker and philosopher.
Keep the change.
Oh, thank you, miss.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
And just for future reference,
my name is Peter.
He seems a nice man.
- Who?
- George.
He's a pub landlord.
They're written that way.
It's like saying Romeo is good
at chatting up the girls,
Hamlet is a bit indecisive,
and Lear is a grumpy old fart.
They say your Lear
was absolutely terrific.
From the heart, born to play it.
All right. All right.
- Where's my change?
- No change.
I gave him a tip.
Quite right.
Can't have them saying I'm mean.
As I walk along the Bois de Boulogne
With an independent air
You can hear the girls declare
"He must be a Millionaire."
You can hear them sigh
and wish to die
You can see them wink the other eye
At the man who broke
the bank at Monte Carlo
[DOROTTYA GASPS]
[SIR MICHAEL SHOUTS]
[LAUGHING]
- (DOROTTYA) Are you okay?
- (JOSEPH) Oh, my God!
Sir Michael!
What's happened?
Come along. Oh, dear.
- He only had one drink.
- (MILLY) Michael, are you all right?
What the hell is going on?
Michael!
How dare you take him out of the house!
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry?
- (MILLY) Is that all you've got to say?
- Oh, dear. It's all right.
What has he had to drink?
Whiskey and soda.
That's what he wanted.
Whatever appalling training you
might've had, surely you know
not to give alcohol
to a patient on medication.
Whether he wants it or not!
Maybe not. But when have you
seen Michael this happy?
"Sir Michael" to you!
Michael, did you fall out?
Okay, I'll take it
from here. I'll take it.
[SIR MICHAEL LAUGHING]
[RUSTLING]
[PHONE RINGING] Ugh.
- Will you answer that?
- It's probably another bloody reporter.
Tell them to piss off.
He's not going, he's
not making any comment,
and he won't be posing
for any photographs.
Hello, this is Sir Michael
Gifford's residence.
I'm sorry but Sir Michael
can't come to...
Yes.
Yes, hello, Mrs. Henderson.
No, I'm afraid Sir Michael can't
come to the phone right now.
It's me, Dorottya.
I can pass the message on.
I'll let you know.
Okay. Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Who is Mrs. Henderson?
She's the administrator at the
London School of Dramatic Arts.
And why does she know you?
Because I applied there.
And I had to give them some
kind of an address, right?
Right.
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]
[SIGHS]
Wonderful day.
So, you started writing your memoirs?
Not at all.
This is my speech.
- What speech?
- For the award thingy.
You're not serious.
I've never been more serious in my life.
You know, Milly, I've always
wanted to say that line.
And in my entire career
I never once did.
But, Michael, they're not expecting you.
Well, then they're in
for a pleasant surprise.
You can't possibly be serious.
Ah!
I've never been more serious...
What does Sophia say?
Well, when I tell her, she'll
be against it, of course.
Not that I give a fuck.
And Dorottya?
Oh, wildly enthusiastic
about the idea.
In fact, when I think about it,
she might have even suggested
it in the first place.
Mad.
Mad. Mad. Mad.
"When the wind is southerly she
knows a hawk from a handsaw."
Do you know a hawk from a handsaw?
[GROANS] I doubt it.
Afternoon, miss.
Afternoon.
Afternoon.
You wanted to see me.
Why here?
Because I don't want you in the house.
This meeting is to end your employment.
What?
I want you out.
Out of the house,
out of my father's life.
- But why?
- I don't want to discuss it.
My decision is final.
I've taken legal advice, and if
you ever go near my father again,
I will call the police
and get a restraining order.
But I don't understand,
what have I done wrong?
You've been ingratiating yourself with
my father ever since you moved in.
That's my job.
Telling him how great he is, how
he's still fit to be seen in public.
- The award?
- Exactly.
It was like a dying request.
How could I refuse?
You put it in his head.
I'm sure Dorottya means well, Sophia.
But I must say, we're really very
disappointed in you, Dorottya.
You know better than anyone what
could happen to him on stage.
What if his bladder were to give way?
Or his bowels?
Alastair, please.
- Didn't you ever stop to consider that?
- Of course I did.
But when I saw how much he wanted it,
I thought it was worth the risk.
(ALASTAIR) Worth the risk?
Of a great actor being remembered for
a catastrophic last performance?
There's nothing the world
loves more than a car crash.
Milly has already packed your things,
and Joseph has them in the car outside.
He'll take you back to the nursing home.
This is what we owe you.
And one week extra.
And remember your
confidentiality agreement.
If you go to the press I will sue
you for everything you've got.
- Everything I've got?
- This and the two suitcases in the car.
Well, good luck with that.
- You think I was wrong, don't you?
- No.
You did what you thought was right.
I did what he wanted.
We both know, he'd never
have got through it.
So you think he should
just get used to dying?
After a certain age,
that's what life is.
Getting used to things.
Not for him.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- Well, what is it?
- Daddy, we have to talk.
Where's Dorottya?
She should have been back
from the village hours ago.
That's what we've come to talk about.
Dorottya's gone.
- What do you mean, gone?
- I've sacked her.
What?
What fucking right had you
to do such a thing?
What right? May I remind you,
I was the one who hired her.
And may I remind you,
this is my house!
And in my house,
even in my fucking garden,
I make the decisions. Me.
- If I may just...
- Alastair, not now.
You don't realize.
Dorottya is not what she seems.
She is thoroughly untrustable.
"Detested kite! Thou liest!"
"My train are men of choice
and rarest parts."
"That all particulars of duty know."
"O, Lear."
"Lear!"
Really, Daddy.
You're not helping matters by...
"Lear!"
"Hear, Nature, hear,
"dear goddess, hear!
"Suspend thy purpose
"if thou didst intend to
make this creature fruitful!
"Into her womb convey sterility.
"Dry up in her the organs of increase,
"And from her derogate body never spring."
"A babe to honor her."
"If she must teem,
create her child of spleen,
"that it may live to be a thwart
disnatured torment to her!"
"That she may feel how sharper
than a serpent's tooth it is"
"to have a thankless child."
[GASPING]
[SIRENS BLARING]
Thank God you're here.
He's still unconscious.
Joseph! Where the hell has he gone to?
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SIREN WAILING]
(DOROTTYA) Joseph, please stop the car.
I'll just get out here.
Are you going to be all right, miss?
Yes.
You're not sure, are you?
Where would you like to go, miss?
Of course, his blood pressure
was already very high
and he'd worked himself up
into quite a state.
Based upon his bloods,
I think we can rule out a TIA.
Parkinson's is a complicating
factor, of course.
- Yeah.
- But he's stable now, under sedation.
- You gave him propofol?
- Only a low dose.
By the way, I must ask,
is there any living will just in case?
What did you just say?
[EKG BEEPING]
(SIR MICHAEL) God...
[MUMBLING]
I still don't understand.
The old man didn't have a word
about the bitch kicking you out?
Well, apparently not.
I mean, he hasn't called,
he hasn't texted me.
Obviously, he doesn't want me back.
- He sounds like your boyfriend.
- No.
- Call him!
- No, I am not going to call him.
- Call him.
- No.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
[BREATHING LABORIOUSLY]
[CELL PHONE CLATTERS]
Hello.
I usually do my own makeup.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Good morning.
Just a little glycerin for your lips.
Good morning.
Oh! Good God, there's two of them.
You know, you really
don't need your monitor.
We can hear your snoring from
the other end of the ward.
Where's my gizmo?
Your mobile?
Ah!
You dropped it.
Don't worry, it didn't
break or anything,
but I've put it in the
nurses' room to recharge it.
You're welcome to borrow mine.
Unfortunately, the number I want is
in the phone's memory, not mine.
Well, they are bound
to ask you for another girl.
Maybe when she leaves
I could take her place here?
I'm afraid Sir Michael doesn't
need anyone for the time being.
But even if he is allowed
to go back home,
they'll no longer be requiring the
services of any of our girls.
Wait, wait, wait.
What do you mean by
"allowed to go back home"?
He's in hospital.
[SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN]
Sir Michael had a heart attack.
[SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN]
Do you have any numbers
of hospitals nearby?
They won't help you.
Not unless you are family.
[SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN]
Yes, hello. This is
Allison Morley speaking.
(WOMAN ON PHONE) Hello.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well.
I'm on a satellite phone from Cambodia.
I can't hear you.
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
I'm trying to locate my grandfather,
Sir Michael Gifford.
Is he there?
Thank you very much.
Milly.
Milly. Milly.
Milly, where the hell are you?
[CELL PHONE BEEPING]
(SIR MICHAEL) "No harm. I have
done nothing but care of thee",
"Of thee, my dear one,
thee, my daughter."
[SOFT CHUCKLE]
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
I've had heart attacks on film,
on stage, once on Radio 4.
But never any as realistic as this.
You scared the hell
out of Sophia and me.
Milly, please don't start again.
I have apologized.
I am profoundly sorry.
(DOROTTYA) And I'm sorry, too.
It was a foolish idea to suggest that
you should come to the
ceremony in the first place.
Foolish or selfish?
Stop fucking quarrelling.
I have decided to go.
I have decided, period.
But you're not up to it.
The show must go on.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh! Another one of those wonderful
lines I have always wanted to say.
"The show must go on."
It's the most idiotic
thing I've ever heard.
After all the years with me,
Milly? It's just one of many.
But, Michael, you've had
hundreds of awards.
Twenty three.
But who's counting?
That's what I mean.
Why would you want to
jeopardize everything for just one more?
Because, my dear Milly,
this is the last one.
The last one.
There are two important ones in a
man's life, the first and the last.
Mmm...
And I don't just mean awards.
For God's sake, Michael, be
serious, just for one moment.
Are you certain that you're up to it?
Oh, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day.
I've never been more certain
of anything in my life.
Help me. Please, Milly.
Of course I will.
Thank you.
And we mustn't tell Sophia.
She'd only try and stop me.
And she'd be right.
[SIGHS]
And now, my darling,
I'd like to have a word with
this young lady in private.
All right.
All right, but don't...
[SIGHS] Fine.
I want you to go with me
to the ceremony.
You don't need me.
Milly should go.
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
But I need you, too.
All right. But first
we have to make sure
that you can manage a performance
without crapping yourself.
Mmm!
And how do we do that?
The day after tomorrow,
come to the care home
and give them a recital.
They've all got Alzheimer's.
So what?
They'll say they've never seen
anything like this before.
[CHUCKLES]
And if I shit myself?
I really think they're used to that.
- What's this?
- It's a car.
Really?
The steering is on the wrong side.
No, it's actually on the right side.
Which happens to be the left.
[LAUGHTER]
(SIR MICHAEL) You old bastard.
How the hell did you end up
here in the Garden of England?
You didn't tell me about him.
Because I didn't know
that you knew each other.
[SPEAKING IN OTHER LANGUAGE]
What a time.
What a time.
It's time to go.
Okay. On with the motley.
What is going on here?
Dorottya! I thought I told you...
You must be the admirable Mrs. Trudeau.
I am. And who...
Oh!
Sir Michael Gifford at
your disposal, ma'am.
I thought you were ill.
Quite so.
Quite so, but this young lady
has miraculously revived me.
Well, that is excellent.
She has also persuaded me that the
residents of your home will offer
the best possible audience for what
is likely to prove my farewell
and final performance as King Lear.
By all means, Sir Michael.
This is a great privilege.
Indeed it is.
How does my royal Lord?
How fares your Majesty?
You do me wrong
to take me out o' the grave.
Thou art a soul in bliss,
but I am bound upon a wheel of fire,
that mine own tears
do scald like molten lead.
Sir, do you know me?
You are a spirit, I know.
When did you die?
Still, still far wide!
Where have I been?
Where am I?
Fair daylight?
Oh, I am mightily abused.
I should even die with pity
to see another thus.
O, look upon me, sir,
and hold your hands
in benediction o'er me.
No, sir, you must not kneel.
I pray, do not mock me.
I am a very foolish fond old man,
fourscore and upward,
not an hour more nor less.
And to deal plainly with you
I fear I am not in my perfect mind.
Your sisters have, as I do
remember, done me wrong.
You have some cause
they have not.
(MAN) No cause.
No cause.
They rang from the academy to ask
if I was really tutoring you.
I didn't say anything. I...
I said I was.
Thank you.
But I'm not really sure
that I still want it.
You know, I think maybe it has been
enough to have acted with you.
To have played the good girl.
It was almost as if
my father had forgiven me.
Was he the one who
directed the Hamlet?
Yes.
- Where'd you get these?
- From the care home.
Mustard would have been nice.
Why did you need him to forgive you?
People think I lie all the time.
But I've only told one lie.
Which was...
I told people I did things for my
father when he was sick that I hadn't.
Life's like that.
Great deeds, if you're lucky.
And mistakes that make your
toes curl with embarrassment.
Now.
You must forgive yourself, and move on,
do better the next time.
Your father was right.
Acting isn't what we do,
it's what we are.
Now, Dorottya,
I'm sure your father would
be very proud of you.
That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
Well, I always say,
"If the part demands it,"
"the setting is perfect,
and the lighting superb,."
"I can fake it."
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
(ANNOUNCER) And now, live from London,
the Critics' Guild Annual Awards.
[SHUTTERS CLICKING]
My father's very sorry not to
be here in person tonight,
but he is thrilled
to be getting this award
and sends his very best wishes
to everyone at the Guild.
Thank you.
(SIR MICHAEL)
You know, I once met Adolph Zukor,
the founder of Paramount Pictures.
And a Hungarian.
Don't fucking interrupt
with all that Hungarian crap!
It was just before his 100th
birthday, and he said...
"If I had known that
I was going to live this long,."
"I would have taken
better care of myself."
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that for your speech?
It doesn't matter.
Your reply came from the Academy.
It's over there,
in the jacket of my pocket.
Jacket pocket.
Okay. Later.
- Don't you care?
- Of course, I do.
But this is your night.
Let's get you dressed.
There will be no nappy.
Tonight I perform without a net.
(DOROTTYA) You look a bit pale.
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm okay.
Don't keep asking.
- Tell her, Joseph.
- Tell her what, sir?
Tell her that I'm always
like this before I go on.
It's true. Sir Michael's been
a martyr to stage fright.
The famous Michael Gifford look
comes from the fact I simply
can't face the bastards.
I walk on, I can't see a
thing for the bloody lights.
A trick of the trade, Dorottya,
is to let your disadvantages
work for you.
(JOSEPH) But, you know,
all the years I've known you,
you never once dried up on stage.
It's not drying I'm scared of,
it's wetting.
[GONG SOUNDING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight the Critics' Guild of
Great Britain is gathered to celebrate
a giant of film, television,
and above all, theater.
Sir Michael Gifford.
Oh! Ah...
So many memories.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, Joseph,
Alzheimer's really should be
the province of the young.
They have nothing to remember.
How the fuck do they manage?
I really couldn't say, sir.
But, you know...
Yes.
When we were young,
we seemed to manage quite well.
Ah!
Ammunition.
All right.
The young.
Screw them.
And the begrudges, sir.
(MC) To begin the proceedings, we have
a special tribute tonight from
a distinguished fellow actor,
one of our greatest movie stars.
Welcome, please, Sir Roger Moore.
Welcome to my mountain retreat.
My name is Moore.
Roger Moore.
And I've come down from the mountain top
to congratulate my old friend,
Michael, on yet another award.
Some years ago Michael and I were making
a dreadful piece of garbage
in the jungle
calle The Saddest Lion.
And in it...
I've always meant to thank you, Joseph,
for all the kindness you've
shown to me over the years.
You really don't have to, sir.
It's been an honor.
You're such a starfucker, Joseph.
I bet when you get to heaven, you're
gonna ask God for His autograph.
I believe you've said that
to me before, sir.
At my age, Joseph,
everything I say, I've said before.
And we got to talking about
the so called good old days,
and I mentioned The Saddest Lion.
And Michael looked at me blankly.
And he said,
"You mean, Villa in Antibes."
No. This wasn't him.
That was Father's story about Larry.
It doesn't matter,
Michael would love this.
All of a sudden, Michael
burst into a great big grin.
"The Saddest Lion,
I call A Villa in Antibes"
"because that's what it paid for."
[ALL LAUGHING]
Michael, congratulations, my old mate.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Sadly, Sir Michael Gifford is unable
to be present in person tonight.
But it gives me great pleasure to
introduce his beautiful
daughter, Sophia,
who will receive
the award on his behalf.
Thank you, Bernard.
Thank you, Critics' Guild,
and thank you all.
My father taught me to give the very
best to every endeavor I undertook.
It's time.
Oh God.
Two minutes.
But I have no doubt now that he
contributed enormously to my success.
And as I grow older...
Joseph.
I come to understand the love
behind everything he asked of me.
I also understand a little better how
much he's done for other people.
I'll give you the nod.
For all of the young writers, actors,
and directors he has worked
with over the years.
He had a glass of champagne.
Oh God.
So I'd like to think that this
Lifetime Achievement Award
is not just for my
father's performances,
but for the achievements of his life.
There we are, sir.
Generosity to young talent is the
true spirit of my father's work.
So tonight, I can announce a donation
from my own resources,
of one million pounds to the
Sir Michael Gifford Theater Trust
to ensure the continuation of
a cause close to my father's heart.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
completely contrary to our expectations,
I have a last surprise to announce.
Milly, come on.
(SOPHIA) It gives me great pleasure...
I haven't missed an entrance in
my life and I don't want to start now.
To present the recipient of tonight's
Lifetime Achievement Award,
my father, Sir Michael Gifford.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I must say, my dear, even under
these unforgiving lights,
your golden delicious
look quite magnificent.
Michael!
[CHEERING]
[COUGHING]
Got you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Only joking.
But it shut you up, didn't it?
Now, sit down, sit down, sit down.
One of us should be sitting quietly,
and it's certainly not going to be me.
If you had given me
this thing a few years ago,
I would have bounded heroically
onto the stage to receive it.
They say that youth is
wasted on the young.
Well, awards are surely
wasted on the old.
I mean, it's always gonna be a toss-up,
which would've made
the mantelpiece first.
This or my ashes.
Oh, don't worry.
I've died on stage many times.
Sometimes it was even in the script.
But I am not going
to die up here tonight.
Now, did I hear my daughter right?
A million pounds?
Wow.
And I can hardly get her
to buy me a drink.
No, no, no, it's not true.
It's not true.
My daughter's quite a remarkable woman.
You know,
I had a little success a few years ago
playing King Lear.
And like him, oh, dear,
so much like him,
I have misjudged my daughter.
But no more, Sophia, no more.
I am extremely proud of you.
Please, come forward.
[ALL APPLAUDING]
Okay, that's enough.
It's my night.
And I fully intend milking it
for all it's worth.
Thank you, ladies.
Like many actors I've often dreamed
of what I'd say on such an occasion.
You know, perhaps obsequiously
thanking everybody.
From the lady who cleans the toilet
to the kindergarten graduates
who call themselves producers.
Even pointing out the vindictive critic
who gave me the worst review of my life,
and there he was a minute ago,
faking his admiration
with the best of them.
But enough. Enough.
If revenge is a dish best served cold,
I've lost my appetite.
It seems to me now
that I have been living a lie.
Staying out of the public view,
hiding my condition.
But then, look around you.
How many of us here
deny the human condition,
in one form or another?
We get old.
That's the truth.
And how can you tell true stories about
the human condition if you deny it,
or choose only the good bits?
Youth and beauty, passion and sex.
We all come to this, you know,
if we're very lucky.
There's no truth in cosmetic
enhancement, you know,
no candor in collagen.
Besides, which face
would you have lifted?
What a ship of plastic fools.
Incontinent, botoxed, nipped,
tucked, liposucked,
studded with diamonds,
sailing into the sunset.
"Cowards die many times
before their deaths."
"The valiant never
taste of death but once."
"Of all the wonders
that I yet have heard,
"It seems to me most strange
that men should fear,
"Seeing that death, a necessary end,"
"Will come"
"when it will come."
Oh, come on.
It's not my funeral. Not yet.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Although from all the bollocks
you heard this evening,
you could be excused
for thinking it was.
But there's something else, though.
Something I've wanted to do all my life.
[SILENT CHUCKLE]
"To be..."
"To be..."
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
"To be..."
[WHISPERS]
"Or not to be."
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
"To be..."
"Or not to be."
And that really is the question.
And the answer is,
to unashamedly,
unrepentantly, aggressively,
joyously, bloody well... be!
Thank you, good night.