London.
Yes, London.
Who can fail to recognize
the city's great landmarks?
Here, in Trafalgar Square, for
instance, there is Nelson's Column.
And even in the worst fog,
you cannot miss Nelson's Column.
You see? There's someone
not missing it now!
But there is one famous London
landmark which anyone could miss.
tucked away in a little side turning.
Recognize it?
Scotland Yard.
Scotland Yard is the
headquarters of the CID:
The Criminal Investigation
Department of the London Police.
Let us take a look at the
world-famous CID at work
through the medium of
a true real-life case,
a factual documentary record straight
from the files of Scotland Yard.
Yes, the case of the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
The theft was not discovered
until the following morning.
Get me Scotland Yard.
Within minutes of the report of the
burglary, the CID was on the scene
in the person of the Yard's Ace
Detective, Superintendent Quilt.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning, Constable.
Where's the body?
Body, sir? Oh there's no body here.
You mean... we're alone?
Wasting no time, Superintendent Quilt
and Sergeant Brown began
a thorough search for clues.
Look, sir! An impression of a heel!
Very clever, Brown. But we haven't
time for your impressions now.
Thank you, sir.
I say, you there,
are you the body?
- No, are you?
Oh, no. I'm Superintendent
Quilt of Scotland Yard.
Delighted to meet you. My name's
Noddule, I'm a curator here.
- How do you do?
- Ha, ha, how do you do?
- Give me my glove, will you?
- Certainly, of course.
Hello?
Hello? I thought we just met.
What have we got over here?
What's all this about, eh?
That? Oh, we had a robbery last night.
A robbery... Anything stolen?
Metropolitan Museum,
Mukkinese Battle-Horn,
ninth century, copper
inlaid with ruby enamel.
You've been swindled, old man.
- What?
- Yes. This is an ordinary house brick.
I know. The Mukkinese
Battle-Horn has been stolen.
- What?
- Aaaaah!
I must warn you that
anything that you say
will be taken down and used
in evidence against you.
Sergeant Brown?
- Yes, sir?
- Make a note of that.
- Right, sir.
- Have you got all that?
- No, sir! - Good.
You know, Noddule, it strikes
me as very, very fishy
why the thief chose this
Mukkinese Battle-Horn thing
when there were all these other rare
and valuable items lying around.
Really?
Mm-hmm. Such as those
golden slave bangles.
- By Jove, you're right!
- Yes...
He could have easily whipped one
of those Chinese jade ornaments.
Or even this.
This priceless Grecian vase...
Botheration! Cleggett!
Nip round to Woolworth's
and get me another one of those
priceless Grecian vases, will you?
- Mister Noddule?
- Yes?
Can you give me a full description
of this Mukkinese Battle-Horn?
Description? I can do
better than that. Cleggett!
Yes?
Bring in the other
Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
- The other?
- Yes. This one was one of a pair.
Supposed to be the only
identical pair in existence.
Come now then, Noddule!
Do you take me for a raving idiot?
Well I...
I beg your pardon. I'm an officer
of the Police Force and I...
Aagh!
So, um...this is it, is it?
Yes. This is it.
It sort of looks like a trumpet, sir.
With a little more plumbing, of course.
Look, um, tell me one thing.
- Yes?
- What are these holes?
Oh I'm glad you mentioned those.
They are for changing
the pitch of the note.
I see.
Now this one here,
this one here is for D-Sharp...
That's rather ingenious.
Yes, yes, yes. And that
one there is for A-Flat.
- Terribly stunning.
- Yes.
Wait. What's this hole here for?
Used razor blades.
Mister Noddule, you're
trying to be funny, sir.
Aren't we all?
Soon the various experts from the
CID began appearing on the scene.
At eleven ten, the police
photographers arrived,
photographed the police,
and hurried away again.
At eleven thirty, Quilt
began his interrogation
of witnesses and possible suspects.
Send in the night watchman, J. Smith.
Yes sir. Call J. Smith!
Hellooo!
Ooooh.
Fine, fine, fine fine.
Everything's going to be fine..."
Oh, here, what're you doing? Lemme go!
Lemme go, now! Take your feet off me!
- Are you J. Smith?
- Nope, nope.
- He's not J. Smith, Brown.
- He's not J. Smith Brown!
- That's not Brown!
- That's not Brown.
Where were you on the
night of the throventeenth?
I was at the pictures.
I was at the pictures!
BANG! A car went bang, bang, bang,
wit-tidda-dum, dayday, fine.
What about the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?
What about the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?
It's been stolen!
Oooh. It's been stolen.
Constable, get this idiot out of here!
- Get this idiot out of here!
- Next witness please.
I won't stand for it! I'll show you!
Next please, Constable.
Yes sir. Next witness!
This is mister Crimpe,
the janitor, sir.
Mister Crimpe, would you
like to tell us your story?
Yes, sir. Well, I was proceeding
in an orderly manner
towards the main gate last night
in order to lock up...
Mm-hmm...
When suddenly, somebody jumps out
and wallops me on me 'ead.
Yes sir. Wallop, wallop,
wallop, on me 'ead.
I turns 'round, and wallop,
wallop, wallop again!
Incredible.
Down I goes I goes and wallop,
wallop, wallop on me 'ead again!
Then, just as I start to get up,
wallop, wallop, wallop...!
- On your head?
- Yes sir. Wallop...
- Wallop?
- Wallop.
Tell me, mister Crimpe, did you notice
anything peculiar about these men?
- Yes, sir.
- What?
They kept on wallopin' me on me 'ead.
Is there anything else?
Yes, sir.
Could I have an aspirin?
Constable, look after
mister Crimpe, would you?
Thank you very much, sir.
The next witness!
Wallop, very good is it?
The next witness is waiting, sir.
Now then, sir.
Where were you on the night
of the throventeenth?
Don't you remember?
- Have you got all that down, Brown?
- Yes, sir!
Well, rub it out again, would you?
Superintendant Quilt
hurried back to Scotland Yard
and within minutes of his arrival,
the well-oiled machinery
of the CID sprang into action.
Calling patrol car eleven D,
calling car eleven D! Urgent.
Turn left into Oxford Street
and head west,
turn left into Oxford Street
and head west.
Calling car five K, car five K,
turn right into Oxford Street
and head due east,
turn right into Oxford...
Calling ambulance one-seven,
calling ambulance one-seven...
The search continued. During the
afternoon, several arrests were made.
With nightfall, the weather
took a turn for the worse.
But, even in the darkest, foggiest street,
London's indomitable
police searched on,
stopping late wayfarers and
ruthlessly questioning them.
- Hey! Hey, you two!
- Uh, yes?
Can you tell me the way
back to the police station?
- It's just over there.
- Thank you.
Darling, how romantic!
We must be near the river.
By noon the following day, vast amounts
of vital evidence were pouring in.
It's a letter, sir.
- Good work, Brown.
- Thank you sir.
Now let's see what this
letter's all about, shall we?
Yes.
Hello! It's a report from
the police laboratory.
- Really, sir?
- Yes.
Let's see... Analysis of fluff
taken from night watchman's
trouser cuff.
Discovered were fragments
of wool, cotton,
fine ash from Turkish-type cigarette,
particles of dried mud
from a limestone district...
...and a quantity of low-grade
industrial soot or coal dust.
Really, sir? And what was
the analyst's conclusion?
This suit needs cleaning.
- God!
- File that will you Brown?
- At once, sir!
We interrupt our story to bring you
a word from mister Maurice Ponque.
My name is Maurice Ponque...
And I live in a little
log cabin in Piccadilly.
Last night, I left a burning
cigarette by my bedside
and the 'ole place was burned down.
And the night before last,
my fire insurance ran out.
And we did not get a penny.
My, how we did laugh, heh-heh,
when we - heh-heh - heard about it.
Mister Ponque has nothing
to do with our story.
We thought you'd like to see
what a real idiot look like.
Six months later. The public
are pressing for an early arrest.
Assistant Commissioner,
Sir Jervis Fruit,
rings Superintendent Quilt
with an urgent inquiry.
Hello, Quilt. Have you a light?
A light? Certainly sir.
- Thank you.
- All right, sir.
Quilt, look, about this
Mukkinese Battle-Horn thing,
something must be done, you know.
Quilt, I want you to call at
every music shop and pawn shop,
masquerading as a musician, and
inquiring for a Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
Have you got that?
- Yes sir. Yes, yes.
Good. Whatever you do,
take every precaution,
and don't get yourself killed.
Oh, I don't know, though...
What was that?
What was that Brown?
Brown, what is that?
- It's a magnifying glass, sir!
Control, Brown, control!
A stone!
- With a message tied to it.
What does it say?
- Fred Smith, Window Repairer.
Fourteen A Hurley Street.
Why, that's fourteen A
Hurley Street's address!
Yes, and no more than
a stone's throw from here.
Yes sir.
Brown, we'll start our search there.
- Business must be good.
- Yes, sir.
Come on!
Puss, Pussy, pussel, puss.
Kitty kitty ketchup.
Kitty! Kitty! Pussy!
Come on out of there now
you naughty Tibble pussel.
- Henryyy!
- What is... come...
- Henryyy!
- Come on, Tibbles.
- Henryyy!
- What is it Minnie, I...?
Henry, there is someone
knocking at the door.
What is... what is?
Dear, I can hear someone
knocking on the door.
Knicky, knacky, knocky at the door!
Minnie, I can't hear what you're
saying for that knocking noise!
Tell them to stop that knocking!
I can't hear you!
I think there's someone I'm not sure...
Would you mind not knocking
for a moment, please?
- Certainly.
- Thank you.
Now, what was it, Min?
- There's someone at the door, Henry.
No, no, there isn't Minnie.
- No, there isn't, is there, Henry.
- No, no, no...
Sorry Buddy, good night.
Good... Good night, Minnie.
Good night, Min.
It's all right, you can carry on now.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Henry!
- Now what is it?
There's someone
nicky-knocking at the door!
There's NOT a nicky-knocking
needle nardle noo!
Look, I'm telling you, there's...
Look, you stupid old cow, there's
no-one there, I'm telling you!
Aargh! Aargh!
You naughty old...
There's nobody there, I'm telling you.
Good evening. Won't you please come in?
Brown, this may be dangerous.
I want you to stick around here
and keep your eyes open.
- Right.
- Alright.
Don't forget, Brown.
Keep a sharp watch out.
Right.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Uh, I'm think of taking up music
and I'm looking for a...
a Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
- You can't get them, you know.
- Why is that?
- You can't get the wood, you know.
- I see.
- Poor old Molly Gnasher.
- What about her?
She couldn't get the wood either.
Perhaps some other time.
Well, good night.
Good... good night.
Good night, mother.
Good night, darling.
Don't be late now.
Good heavens, sir! Isn't that the lady
you questioned at the museum?
I think we'll...
The mysterious blonde led Quilt
and sergeant Brown to Maxie's Club,
a notorious hangout of
London's Underworld.
Brown? I want you to get a
message through to Scotland Yard
to say that we're coming
here and we want...
Yeah?
I haven't knocked yet.
- Sorry.
Yeah?
- Are you mister Maxie?
Such is my name.
I'm sorry to bother you, mister Such.
Will mister Maxie be along?
I am mister Maxie.
Then you weren't very long, were you?
We were wondering if we could
get into your club here.
You were wondering if you
could get into my club here?
- Yeah. - No. - Why not?
This is a specially-fitted,
reinforced, double-strength,
armour-plated door, and
nobody can get through it.
- Then how did you get in?
- Easy. I came through there.
Cunning, very cunning.
Anyone we know?
- No, sir.
- Brown?
- Yes, sir?
You'd better stick around
and see what clues you can find.
Very good, sir.
Oh, beauteous one. Oh, fairest
of the fair! Sublime siren!
Exquisite enchantress. What are
you doing in a low hovel like this?
I gotta make a living too, y'know!
Why, you're not a girl, you're a man!
I know that!
But don't tell the manager.
- Why not?
- We're engaged!
Wait, I see it all now.
You can't! I ain't taken
off the veils yet.
Ha, haaa, ahee, ahigh, ahoo!
Brown, where are you! Brown!
- Yes, sir?
- Brown, where are you?
- Where are you, sir?
- I'm behind this curtain, Brown.
- Good heavens, sir!
What a brilliant place to hide!
- Thank you, Brown.
- By the way, that dancer...
- Yes?
Wasn't that the man you
interrogated at the museum, sir?
Yes, and that's not all, Brown.
At last I begin to see
the whole sinister plot.
- What do you mean, sir?
- I'll show you. Waiter!
- Sir?
- Bring me the manager.
Somebody call?
Yes. This, first the night
watchman, and then...
Good heavens, sir!
The curator of the museum!
Yes! Alias Doppleganger Wormscrew,
head of an international ring of
Mukkinese Battle-Horn smugglers!
Curses! Unmasked! Waiter!
Be careful, sir!
This might be a devilish trick!
Gad! Minestrone!
And no salt!
Brown! Quick, Brown!
The eleventh hour but
nevertheless in the nick of time.
Bah! Outwitted by a neat
and audacious trick!
Enough. Come!
Stay at the tops sparrow.
Trich!
Passage!
When!
Good heavens! He's gone!
Hahaha!
- Touch!
- Three-ch!
Four-ch!
Fiend!
Brick!
Oh, blood! Oh!
There! That's put an end
to your nefarious activities.
Nothing can save you now. Not all the
king's horses, not all the king's men!
- Defend the King!
- Defend the King!
- Brown, help me!
- Excalibur!
Down with the Lurgi! Have at you!
I'm dying! I die!
I don't want to die!
- Brown?
- Yes, sir?
Who is this girl?
That's the producer's girlfriend, sir.
- What?
- You think I'm kidding?
- Have at you!
- Have at you!
But I've got to die! It's
in the script! I'm dying!
Oh, what a wonderful world we live in!
It's all rather confusing, really.
No, I don't! I want to live!
Yes, I want to live!
By the way, sir.
Did you turn the gas off?
Yes. They can't win.
The poor fools can't win!
I fear that taught
them a lesson, Brown.
By Jove, yes, sir!
Thank you.
Thank goodness I've got you Brown.
It would take a superman to
evade those eagle eyes of yours.
Thank you, sir.
Come lad, we must try and
find the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
Yes, sir.
Whoever stole it won't get away, Brown.
Poor devil. Give him
a couple of coins, Brown.
Yes, Brown, arrest everyone who...
- Henry!
- What is that?
- Henry!
- Come on Tiddles.
- Henry!
- What is it Minnie, I...?
Henry, there's someone
knocking at the door.
What did...?