There are gajillions of stories...
of mischief and fun,
but to keep things simple,
let's start with just one...
about a mom and two kids...
and a house and a hat...
that, oddly enough,
was worn by a cat.
But soon enough
we will get to all that.
In the valley that stretches
from this hill to that hill,
a city is nestled...
that city is Anville.
- Hurry up!
We'll miss the movie!
- Any more tutti-frutti?
I'll check.
Thanks!
It's a town that's not huge,
but quite big enough...
for buyers and sellers
to sell and buy stuff,
from shoes and shirts...
and elongated ladders...
to sailboats and gibble-grated
berry-juice bladders.
So our story begins
at the corner
of Main and Montroob...
in the spotless
real estate office...
run by Hank Humberfloob.
Humberfloob Real Estate. How can
we make your dreams come true?
What do you mean,
you're leaving?
You're a babysitter.
Babysitters don't leave. They sit.
Baby-leavers leave.
I'm sorry. I really
gotta go, Miss Walden.
Well, I need to come home
right away.
All right.
Thank you, Amy.
Sorry.
Attention, everyone!
It's 9:02.
Staff meeting!
Staff meeting!
Look alive, everyone!
First I'd like to
welcome aboard...
our newest member
of the Humberfloob family,
Jim McFlinnagan!
- Mr. Humberfloob,
I wanted to thank you...
Fired.
I beg your pardon?
Fired.
B-But l...
Fired!
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, 10!
As you know, tonight is
our bimonthly meet and greet" party.
Tonight's host is...
Joan Walden.
This is where people can
meet our real estate agents...
in an informal,
yet hygienic setting.
Mr. Humberfloob,
I have to get home to my kids.
Ah, yes.
Your children.
Joan, let me make this
perfectly clear.
If your house
is as messy as last time,
you're fired!
That's pretty clear,
Mr. Humberfloob.
Don't worry. I promise.
My kids'll be
on their best behavior.
Great.
Humberfloob Real Estate.
How can we make
your dreams come true?
Please hold.
If you leave Humberfloob's
and turn left onto Main,
three miles down
you'll find Lipplapper Lane,
a pleasant-enough street
in a pleasant-enough way...
where a neighbor greeted neighbor
with a neighborly "Hey!"
Hey!
Hey!
Here the hedges were hedged,
the weeds were all weeded,
and lawns were mowed daily,
twice daily if needed.
And at the end
of this street,
in a house like any other,
something magical
would happen...
to a sister and her brother.
Shh! Nevins!
Stealth mode.
Today's to-do list.
Number one:
Make to-do list.
Number two:
Practice coloring.
Number three:
Research graduate schools.
Number four:
Be spontaneous.
Number five:
Create lasting
childhood memories.
And number six:
Amend will.
What is he doing?
Number 10:
Make tomorrow's to-do list.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Nevins,
your attention, please.
You are about to witness
the third most spectacular stunt...
ever performed
under this roof!
Do you know how hard it's getting
to tell people that we're related?
Relax.
I'll put everything back.
And now,
for the indoor stair luge!
Indoor stair luge?
I'll have to add this one
to my list.
Go have no fun
somewhere else.
It... is... showtime!
Whoa!
- Aah!
- Yeah!
- Oh, my word!
Nevins!
Nevins, come back!
Hey, Mom. What's up?
You are so lucky
you didn't ruin this dress.
Mom, I know
you're angry,
but there's something
you need to know.
This was all Sally's fault.
Oh, really?
And how, exactly,
was it Sally's fault?
Give me a minute.
I'm workin' on it.
Save it, Conrad.
Why today? Why did you
have to pick today
to destroy the house?
You know
what's happening today.
I tried to tell him, Mom.
"Mom's throwing
a very important party," I said.
"All other important
clients will be here."
But he went right ahead
and wrecked the house
and let Nevins get away.
Now, again, I hope
you're going to ground him.
Yes, Sally, for a week, but
that's none of your business.
A week?
Come on. Two days.
I asked you to do
one thing today, Conrad...
keep the house
clean.
Do you know how frustrating it is
that you're always doing
the exact opposite of what I say?
Knock, knock, knock.
Someone lose a dog?
I found him next door...
in my yard... again.
You are a saint.
And here I thought
you were only dating me
for my good looks.
Lucky us.
Larry Quinn is here.
Hey-a, sport.
Call me Lawrence.
Okay?
You rescued Nevins!
Thanks, Lawrence!
It was my pleasure, Sally.
Anything for my little princess.
Oh, I don't wanna be a princess.
In a constitutional monarchy
parliament has all the real power.
I see.
Okay, that's great.
Uh, look, pal, be a sport.
Why don't you go
tidy up the living room.
Okay...dude?
I don't have to listen to you, Larry.
Conrad,
do what Lawrence says.
Have you given some thought
about the Wilhelm Academy?
You mean the Colonel Wilhelm
Military Academy for Troubled Youth?
That's the one, Joan.
I'm not sure
it's right for Conrad.
Oh, Joan, Joan.
Joan, Joan, Joan.
I have so much respect
for you, Joan.
Single mother, career woman,
raising two children on your own,
and still finding time
to be the best darned
real estate agent in town.
I know how hard it is, Joan.
It is hard.
Oh... I know.
And I know
how hard you're trying.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
proposition,
and you must act now.
The Colonel Wilhelm
Military Academy
for Troubled Youth...
is what we call in the sales game
a win-win scenario.
A top-flight military school,
and it's only... eight hours away.
Oh, the phone.
I heard what you said.
I'm not going to military school, Larry.
Look, buddy,
I know I'm not your dad...
and this is probably
really strange for you...
your neighbor's
dating your mom.
But here's the thing, son.
Come here.
I don't like you either.
But I'm gonna
marry your mom.
And if it was up to me,
you'd be at military school today.
I'm not going
to military school.
Ohh!
I think you're gonna love it.
It's just like summer camp,
except with brutal forced marches...
and soul-crushing discipline.
And one more thing...
It's Lawrence,
you snot-nosed son of a...
wonderful woman
who I'm absolutely crazy about!
Oww!
Gosh, I love children!
Oh, Joan,
I didn't see you there.
Would you be a doll
and help me bring up chairs
from the basement?
Nothing would give me
more pleasure, Joan,
but I do have to run.
I have a very important
sales conference downtown.
Oh. Okay.
- Well, I'll see you at the party tonight.
- Sure.
Mom, that guy's a total phony.
You can't let Larry...
It's Lawrence, Conrad.
Kate's Catering.
I'm here to do your party tonight.
Oh, hi.
Where's Kate?
I'm Kate.
Oh. Okay.
Right this way, Kate.
Mom, you've gotta
listen to me...
Quiet!
Two weeks ago
you said you would...
I "specialed" it.
See?
Quiet!
Nevins!
I said quiet!
Joan Walden Real Estate.
Be it ever so humble,
there's no place like Joan.
This is Mr. Humberfloob.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Humberfloob.
- Joan, I need you to come back to the office.
- Today?
- Yes, Joan.
- No problem?
- No problem at all.
Great!
- What's going on, Mommy?
Mommy has to go
back to the office.
Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan
can baby-sit.
- Not Mrs. Kwan!
Oh!
Hi, Mrs. Kwan.
Hi.
I'm running late.
Thanks for babysitting
on such short notice.
Mmm, yeah.
Okay, Mrs. Kwan.
Oh-oh-oh!
I'll be back
in a couple of hours.
Hi.
Conrad's grounded,
so no video games.
Sally?
Last chance.
If you wanna make cupcakes,
I can take you to
your friend Ginny's house.
- Ginny's not my friend anymore.
Last time we made cupcakes
she wanted to be the head chef.
I'm the head chef.
What about Denise, then?
She talked back to me,
so I ordered her
not to speak to me anymore.
- And you don't like bossy?
- I won't tolerate it.
Right.
Well, if you're both staying,
remember the rules.
Conrad: No playing ball
in the house, no fighting,
no answering the phone,
"City morgue."
Mommy,
can't I have some rules?
No chewing tobacco.
Thanks, Mom.
You have my word.
And absolutely no one
sets foot in the living room, or else.
Or else what?
You're gonna do what Larry said
and send me to military school?
Maybe if you'd just behave,
I wouldn't have to consider military school.
I wish I could trust you.
I wish I had a different mom.
Well, sometimes
I wish the same thing.
Mmm.
Good luck with your meeting.
Children, would you like
to watch television with me?
- We don't have to tell your mother.
Taiwanese parliament.
You tell them, Kwi-Chang!
No more big government!
Rip his heart out!
Hit me!
So they slumped in their chairs,
too glum to complain,
and to make matters worse,
it started to rain.
They sat in the house...
on that cold, cold, wet day...
with no fun to have...
and no games to play.
They could just
stare out the window...
or perhaps get a nap in,
and hope that something,
anything might happen.
Quit bothering
the fish.
I know.
Quit bothering the fish.
Spit hand!
Oh, gross!
Get that away from me!
Get it away!
Then something went bump.
- What was that?
How that bump
made them jump.
I think it came
from the closet.
Conrad?
Conrad.
Come on, Conrad.
You shouldn't scare people.
You should've seen
the look on your face.
It was like you saw a monster...
A monster? Where?
That could've gone better.
What was that?
I don't know.
Looked like
a humongous cat.
"Humongous"?
I prefer the term "big-boned" or jolly."
Now, what are we hiding from?
That was a giant cat.
But that's impossible,
isn't it?
It's entirely
impossible.
You know,
I like this hiding place
a lot better.
They'll never
find us here.
Scream and run.
And there they go.
Who are you?
Who? Me?
Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat.
There's no doubt about that.
I'm a "super-fun-diferous" feline...
who's here to make sure
that you're...
Meeline? Key lime?
Turpentine?
I got nothin'.
I'm not so good with the rhyming.
Not really, no.
Look, I'm a cat
that can talk.
That should be enough
for you people!
I can talk!
I'm a cat! Yes!
Where did you come from?
Hmm, how do I put this?
When a mommy cat and a daddy cat
love each other very much,
they decide that...
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Where did you come from?
My place!
Where do you think?
No, how did you get here?
I drove!
Look, I've been here two whole minutes,
and no one has offered me a drink.
Harrumph!
- Sorry, Mr. Cat.
Would you like some milk?
- Milk? Ecch! No!
Lactose intolerant.
Gums up the works. Oy.
You'll thank me later.
Wipeout!
- Hello!
@@Yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yee-hee-hee!
Nice spread you got here.
Homina-homina-homina-homina!
Who is this?
Ohh!
That's my mom.
Awkward, yeah.
Yes, this place will do
quite nicely, actually. Yeah.
Although those drapes
are a train wreck.
And this is the lumpiest couch
I ever sat on.
Who is this dreadfully
uncomfortable woman?
Get off her.
That's our babysitter.
What the... Babysitter?
You don't need one of those,
do ya?
Let me get this straight.
You pay this woman...
to sit on babies?
That's disgusting!
I'd do it for nothing!
Hmm!
Now, let's see
what the old "phunometer"
has to say.
- "Phunometer"?
- Yeah. It measures
how fun you are.
Hi.
Huh?
Ohh.
Ah. Control freak.
Yeah.
Now you.
Hi. How are ya?
- Whoa!
Oh.
Tap it.
Listen, kid,
you can tap it with a hammer,
it ain't gonna change.
Just as I suspected.
You guys are both out of whack.
You're a control freak,
and you're a rule-breaker.
That'll be $700.
Who's your insurance carrier?
- So, what do we do?
- Well, there are two treatments
I'd recommend.
One is a series of painful shots
injected into your abdomen and kneecap.
And the other...
involves a musical number!
@ Me-Me-Me-Meow @
How many shots?
"How many shots?"
Aren't you precious?
Maestro!
@ I know it is wet @
@ And the sun is not sunny @
@ But we can have lots of
good fun that is funny @
@ It's fun to have fun @
@ But you got to know how @
Hair ball.
@ I know lots of good tricks
and I'll... @
Stop this right now!
Huh?
- Who said that?
- Me!
Remember? The fish?
Came home in a Baggie,
loved me for two weeks, and then nothing!
- The fish is talking!
- Well, sure, he can talk.
But is he saying anything?
No, not really. No.
Hey, Socks, can it!
This cat should not be here.
He should not be about.
He should not be here
when your mother is out.
Come on, kids!
You gonna listen to him?
He drinks where he pees!
@There was this cat I knew
back home where I was bred @
@ He never listened to
a single thing his mother said @
@He never used the litter box
He made a mess in the hall @
@That's why they sent him
to a vet @
@To cut off both his ba... @
ba... ba...
@ Boy, that wasn't
fun, fun, fun @
@ He never learns
You can have fun, fun, fun @
But less is more!
@They may ship you off to school
so rein it in a little @
@ We can't spell "fun"
without "U" in the middle @
Human, this cat is currently in violation
of... 17 of your mother's rules!
City morgue!
- Eighteen!
- Ol!
Ooh!
@ You can juggle work and play
but you have to know the way @
@ You can keep afloat a wish
like the way I do this fish @
@ You can be a happy fella
Someone throw me that umbrella @
@ And that rake, that cake
Life's what you make it @
@ So have fun, fun, fun @
@ Go insane and have
some fun, fun, fun @
@Just look at me
Fun, fun, fun @
@ No more rain
Look, it's the sun, sun, sun @
@ So can't you see
I'm as happy as a clam
I'm as fit as a fiddle @
@ Yeah, the dogs
may bark about you @
@ And the purebred chaps
may doubt you @
Getting motion sickness!
Milk? Big mistake.
@ But remember this
You can't have fun without "U" @
I can't breathe!
Ohh!
Whoa!
I knew that milk would
come back to haunt me.
Help! Help!
@"U" in the middle @@
- Bravo, Cat.
- Huh?
These children are smart enough
not to fall for your MTV-style flash...
at the expense of content
and moral values.
That was wicked cool!
Do it again!
I'd love to, but Shamu is right...
I really should be going.
- No, don't go!
- No, I should go.
I should let you and the fish
have all your fun conjugating verbs,
cleaning your room,
doing long division.
No, you have to stay!
All right, I'll stay.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
But if I'm gonna stay,
there's something I wanna show you.
Something magical...
and full of wonder.
- It's called a contract.
- You want us to sign this?
- Just a formality, really. Yeah.
- Who are they?
Magical time-traveling elves.
Yeah. Magic.
Okay, they're my lawyers.
Liability issues, litigious society,
frivolous lawsuits.
You understand.
Basically, this contract guarantees
you can have all the fun you want...
and nothing beds
ever gonna happen.
- All the fun we want?
- Uh-yeah!
- Nothing bad will happen?
- Uh-no!
Come on, Sal,
for once in your life
try something spontaneous.
It goes against
my better instincts, but...
fine.
Beautiful.
Initial here.
And here. And here.
Not here!
Turn it over.
This is nothing.
Scratch this.
Smell that!
Terrific.
Yadee-yadee-yadee.
Sign the bottom.
You're it!
Okay, gimme five!
Four.
Let's get this party
started! Uh-huh!
Hey, check out this room!
What now?
Mom says we're not
allowed in the living room
today, or else.
She's worried we'll mess up the couches
by jumpin' on 'em or somethin'
And she's right.
You can't jump on these.
Not like this.
They need some adjustment.
Yee-haw!
Let's take a look
under the hood.
Yeah.
Just doin' my job.
Sorry.
What have we got here?
Whew.
Here we go.
It's oversized.
That's unusual.
Here it is.
Down, Simba!
Down, Simba!
Get outta here!
Spray me, would ya?
You...
- Thanks for the help.
Back in a second.
Who's your couch mechanic?
You oughta call
Mr. Catwrench.
Oww! My fur!
My fur! My fur!
That oughta do it.
Whoo!
Come on, kids.
I could use a little company.
What about Mom's party?
What about it?
We signed the contract.
Wha-hoo!
Yeah!
One cushion left,
Sally.
She'll never do it.
She doesn't know
how to have fun.
Fun? Sally,
you're better than fun.
Fun is beneath you.
Remember
what your mother told you...
No one sets foot
in the living room...
You know what?
Let's just watch some flashbacks.
Absolutely no one sets foot
in the living room, or else.
You're fired... fired... fired...
fired... fired... fired...
Fired... fired... fired... fired...
And that's why...
Oww!
This is where
they buried my brother!
Yeah!
Yippee!
Oh, yeah!
This is amazing!
Like being
in the circus!
Yeah, but without
those tortured animals...
or drunken clowns
that have hepatitis.
See, kids, I told you
we could have fun!
The best thing is,
no one will ever...
know.
Judas Priest!
I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Oh, Mr. Quinn,
I was just telling Conrad
to get off the couch.
Bad, Conrad!
Bad!
Sally,
baby, angel, princess,
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, okay?
Nobody likes a suck-up!
Where's the cat?
I don't know.
Ohh!
Good bread.
What are you two
lookin' at?
Is there a cat in here?
I'm gonna...
You're gonna...
I have to...
Get out of here.
See, kids, I told you.
Stick with me, it'll all work out.
Oh, no! Ohh!
Little-known fact...
cats always land on their tushy.
- I thought they always
landed on their feet.
- Oh, sure, now you tell me.
Harrumph!
- So, kiddo, what do you
want to do for fun?
- I wanna make cupcakes!
Cupcakes? Oh, yeah!
To the kitchen!
Live from the kitchen,
the following is
a paid commercial announcement
for Astounding Products.
Hi! Welcome to
Astounding Products.
I'm your host,
the guy in the sweater who asks
all the obvious questions.
Now, here to tell us
about his astounding product
for making cupcakes,
all the way
from Cheshire, England,
please welcome...
Me! Hello!
Now... Hello!
I'm so excited!
Do you love
making cupcakes,
but hate all
the hard cupcake work?
I know I do!
Well, forget
everything you know
about making cupcakes...
and say hello...
to the amazing Kupkake-inator.
- I'm so excited!
Cupcake-a-what?
Kupkake-inator!
Oh, this amazing device
can instantly make cupcakes...
out of anything that
you have in the kitchen.
- Wait a minute.
Did you say anything"?
- Anything.
Anything?
Yes, anything.
Anything?
Anything.
- Anything?
- I'll get you, and it'll look
like a bloody accident.
- Anything.
Now, take off the lid.
You can put in, I don't know,
a carton of eggs.
What?
How about
a pack of hot dogs?
That's incredible!
Why not some ketchup?
Yeah, why not?
How about...
I know what you're thinkin'.
Even a fire extinguisher.
There we go.
Hmm?
Now, close the lid
and Bob's your flippin' uncle!
What an
astounding product!
Oh, yeah!
Open the drawer,
Fill the patented
Kupkake-inator tray,
- Close the drawer,
Then place it
in a conventional oven.
Delicious cupcakes
are just minutes away.
Did you just say
"minutes away"?
That's impossible!
You're not just wrong,
you're stupid.
Now, wait just a minute...
And you're ugly,
just like your mum.
Did you just call
my mother ugly?
Shut up! I mean it!
I will end you!
Um, Cat.
Your tail.
What about it?
Oh, I see! I've chopped it off.
That's interesting, because...
Son of a bi...
Look, I'm not saying
we're going to sue.
I'm just saying
we have a case.
We'll talk later.
Ixnay, ixnay.
Hi.
Cat, is the oven
supposed to be
making that sound?
Huh?
Of course. That means
they're almost done, Conrack.
- Conrad.
- That's what I said, Condor.
- Cat!
- Now, that's my name!
Yep!
They're done!
Oh, man!
There's nothing
to worry about.
I'm sure
they still taste fine.
Yecch!
They're horrible!
Who wants some?
Come on, come on!
Oh... my... cod.
Ohh! Aah!
Cat, you need to
clean this mess up pronto.
We have a contract.
All right, I'll try.
You don't try. You do.
Yes, ma'am.
Right away, ma'am.
I'll be right back.
Whoa!
Hi.
How are ya?
Okay.
Look. I'm a girl.
Stop! That's...
Mom's dress!
This filthy thing?
She was gonna wear that tonight,
and you ruined it.
Honey, it was ruined
when she bought it.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I told you
all this would happen!
- But no one listens to a fish!
- Oy.
A dog goes "woof-woof"
and everybody knows that
little Timmy's trapped under a log.
But a fish speaks
in plain English...
All right, everyone,
let's just take a deep breath
and calm down.
You know who's gonna solve it?
Me. I am.
I will personally
take care of everything.
And I know
just the guys to do it.
In this box are two Things.
I will show them to you.
Two Things, and I call them
Thing One and Thing Two.
These Things will not bite you.
They want to have fun.
So without further ado,
meet Thing Two
and Thing One!
@Ta-da @
Oh, yeah!
Thing One, Conrad, Sally.
Conrad, Sally, Thing One.
Thing Two, Conrad, Sally.
Conrad, Sally, Thing Two.
Thing One, Thing Two.
Thing Two, Thing One.
Conrad, Sally. Sally, Conrad.
I am the Cat.
Don't belittle me.
Ah, yes, of course.
Thing Two would like to
clarify that just because
he wears the number two...
does not imply in any way
that he's inferior to Thing One.
And all of the above.
He says you may feel free
to call him Thing "A," if you like.
He will also accept Super Thing,
Thing King, Kid Dynamite,
Chocolate Thun-Da...
or Ben.
Ben!
Thing One says
he's Thing One for a reason,
and some people
should just get used to it.
It's a Thing thing.
You wouldn't understand.
Okay, enough!
You are quickly turning into
one of my least favorite Things.
Listen, Convex,
you probably don't
wanna do that.
Why not?
It's just a crate.
This isn't just any old crate.
It's the Trans-dimensional
Transportolator.
It's kinda like a doorway
which leads from this world
to my world.
But it says,
"Made in the Philippines."
Yes, but not this Philippines.
Look, now,
I'm not usually a rules guy,
but this is a biggie.
No opening the crate.
No lookee, no touchee.
Got it?
Mekka-dekka we should
settle our differences.
Things, front and center!
Cool.
All right, Things,
I'm not paying you to
stand around and look pretty.
Here's Mom's dress.
Oh! Mommy's dress!
- What about the couch?
- Which couch?
The clean one,
or the horribly stained one?
Ho!
Mekka-dekka
don't worry!
Incoming!
Cat, they're wrecking
the whole house!
- Conrad, help!
- Help yourself!
Look at me!
Come and get it!
Whoa! Ooh, yeah! Whoa!
That tickles!
Geronimo!
Mine, mine, mine!
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!
Ride 'em, cowboy!
Yee-hee-hee! Ho-ho-ho! Whee!
If this were my house,
I'd be furious.
Hey! Klondike!
Do you have any idea
what happened to the lock
on this crate?
- It's on Nevins's collar.
- Nevins?
Nevins? Nevins!
Put the dog down!
I said, put the dog down!
Why won't they
listen to me?
Oh. I don't know if this helps,
but the Things always do
the opposite of what you say.
Why do they always
do the opposite?
That's so annoying!
Remind you of anyone,
Conrad?
Zinga!
Zinga! Zinga!
Blue! 41! Set!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hey, Thing,
don't let go of that dog!
Let go!
Catch him...
I mean, don't catch him!
Well, this is just great, Conrad.
The whole house is destroyed,
the party is ruined,
and now Nevins is gone.
Sally, Kojak,
that's nothing compared
to what's gonna happen
if we don't lock this crate.
Take a look.
It's already leaking.
- It won't stay shut.
- Not without the lock.
Look, if we don't get that lock off of Nevins
and put it back on this crate,
we're gonna be staring down
the business end
of the mother of all messes.
We've gotta go out
and find Nevins.
Impossible! Sally!
There's only four hours
till the party.
The Fish is right.
We should call Mom
and tell her what happened.
Look at this house!
There's no way we could
explain this to Mom.
We gotta get Nevins back
and lock the crate!
We're staying and calling Mom.
We're going and getting the dog.
There is a third option.
There is?
Yes. It involves...
murder!
- That's your option?
- No.
But you guys both had options.
I just wanted to have one too.
Or did I?
- Cat, you're not helping!
- Come on. Let's go get that dog.
Now, we just need
a heavy, inanimate object
to weigh down this crate.
There. That oughta
buy us some time.
Come on, kids!
Let's go, go, go!
Identical sister Mitzy...
That's right.
- Yeah!
What do you want now?
Repo.
You're repossessing my TV?
I'm sure I made a payment.
If it's about that bounced check,
let me give you a credit card.
That one's expired.
Huh? Oh, come on!
With the lock on his collar,
Nevins kept running,
unaware of his part...
in the evil Quinn's cunning.
Joan Walden Real Estate.
Be it ever so humble, there's no...
Oh, hi, Joan.
The kids let the dog
out again.
You're kidding.
Don't worry. I'll go get him,
then we'll have a conversation
vis-a-vis military school.
I don't know.
Conrad's like you, Lawrence.
He's very... sensitive.
Uh-huh.
But I suppose it's something
I should consider.
I'll get the dog.
I'll be right over.
Okay, there's Nevins.
Stay out of sight.
I thought the moment
needed something.
Oh, what will become of us?
Your mother will lose her job,
and we'll have to...
live on the street!
I can't! Don't make me go...
I don't know this world!
It's dry! It's like...
I can't... It's too...
Fish!
It's too much!
Would you like to go back
in the toilet?
On second thought,
it's such a beautiful day.
Why spend it indoors?
- Thank you!
Okay, kids.
Get out of my way.
This fence is no match
for my cat-like grace and reflexes.
Here we go.
Ow. Okay.
Watch me fly, kids.
Ow!
I don't think
the little girl's even trying.
What about your
cat-like... reflexes?
What about showing a little effort,
shrimp boat? Now, push!
Whaa!
All right, Nevins.
Time to die.
- Cat, you scared him away!
Dirty hoe.
I'm sorry, baby.
I love you. Hmm.
Come on, Cat!
There he is!
Happy birthday, Denise.
Denise?
Everyone I know
is there.
There's Ginny and Alan.
How come Denise didn't
invite me to her birthday?
Don't worry. Lets just
get Nevins and go.
Okay, kids.
Everyone outside!
Aaah!
Nevins.
Cat, get down!
They're gonna see you!
Hide!
Piata! Piata! Piata!
Piata! Piata!
Piata! Piata!
- Everybody join in!
It's breaking!
Step out of my way.
This cannot end well.
- Piata! Piata!
@I'm easy @
@Ah, ah, ah, ah @
@I'm easy
like Sunday morning @@
Oh-ho-ho! Whoo!
- Oh! Whoo-hoo!
- I got an idea.
Candy!
Candy!
No!
Get back!
Cat!
I'll get you!
I'd love to buy some.
Hello, Mrs. Kwan.
Its Joan Walden.
I just called
to check on the kids.
Are they okay?
Those aren't children.
They're little angels.
That's sweet.
Well, all right, Mrs. Kwan.
I'll be home as soon as I can.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
All right, soldier.
Our bogey is in range.
Commence
search and destroy.
- What?
- Search and rescue.
I meant search and rescue.
Come on!
I can't believe I wasn't
invited to that party.
Hey!
You're a lone wolf.
Live alone, die alone.
Yeah.
- Can we please get the dog?
Can we please get the dog?
Can we please get the dog?
Boo!
Oh, no! Oh, man!
Hello, Nevins.
Good-bye, Conrad.
Not so tough now,
are you?
We're dead.
We're never gonna get
that crate shut.
And I'm getting shipped off
to Colonel Von Kronk's School
for Wayward Boys!
Why don't we
take my car?
You have a car?
Yeah, sure.
Wow.
That is so cool.
That's just
the dust cover.
Here she is, the Super Luxurious
Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger.
Or S.L.O.W. For short.
S.L.O.W.?
Yeah, SLOW.
It's better than the last name we had.
Super Hydraulic
Instantaneous Transporter.
- Oh, you mean...
- Ohh! Quick, to the SLOW.
Buckle up, kids.
We're on a mission to get that dog,
and we will not rest
until we find and destroy it.
Rescue it!
Rescue it! Of course
I meant rescue it.
Whatever. Remember, kids,
there's nothing faster than SLOW.
That's backwards!
It makes no sense.
Look at you! Argh!
Okay, here we go.
G.P. S... check.
DVD, CD... check.
Someone from Czechoslovakia
is a... Czech.
Siren!
What are you...
What...
Siren?
Let's go!
Whoo-whoa-ho-ho!
Hi there!
How are you? Yeah!
@ I'm sending Conrad away @
- Oh! Oh!
Oh!
I can't believe you whizzed
on my taco!
Wait till Joan
gets a load of you!
- There they are!
- Red light, red light,
red light, red light!
Red light!
- Someone else should drive.
- All right. You win.
Concrete,
you drive.
Are you serious?
I don't know.
A little voice inside of me
is saying, "This is a bad idea,"
but I can barely hear
that little voice...
because an even louder
little voice is screaming,
"Let the 12-year-old drive!"
Now, punch it!
This is awesome!
- I want to drive.
- I think that's a great idea.
Wait!
Two people can't drive
at the same time.
You're right.
We should all drive.
- Cat! Where are the brakes?
- I'll get them.
I think there's something wrong
with your brakes. When's the
last time you had them checked?
Bad brake!
One-way street, one-way street,
one-way street, one-way street!
Hey, Rhode Island license plate.
You never see those.
Om. Om.
Air bag. Standard.
I think... I wet... my jar.
Can we do that again?
Hey, there he is!
Oh, no!
He's going into Mom's office!
Come on, Cat!
You know, Nevins,
when Joan finds out
you've escaped again,
Conrad will be moving out,
and I'll be moving in.
We've gotta get
Nevins and that lock back.
What are we gonna do?
Don't worry.
I have three plans.
Plan "A": "Mess up
a perfectly clean house."
Done that. Plan "B":
"Cut your losses and ditch the kids."
- That could work.
- What about that one?
Plan "C": "Trick Mom's boyfriend
into handing over dog and lock."
I don't know.
I still like Plan "B."
- Cat!
- Okay, okay. Plan "C."
Look at you. Argh!
Excuse me, sir.
I'd like you to sign
my petition. Yeah.
Get out of my way,
you hippie freak.
Are you aware of the senseless,
wholesale slaughter...
of the flatulating,
acid-spitting Zumzizeroo?
What will it take
to get you out of my face?
Just sign my petition...
with this large, oversized pen
that requires two hands.
I see.
- Will you hold my dog?
- Yes!
Okay, I have a problem
with the word "dog."
I don't use the "D" word per se
'cause I think it's really, really wrong.
Yeah. But I will happily
hold your Canine-American.
- I'm more comfortable
with that really, yeah.
@ How much is that Canine-American
in the window @
Cat! Come on!
- Hey, what the...
Go, go, go!
Come back here!
I'm on to you kids!
- Nothing to see here.
Keep moving! Go!
Come on! Let's go.
Ah, get in, get in!
Come on, let's go.
Get in! Hi, hi.
Get in! Get in!
Look out below!
Oh! Sorry. Over there.
Hey! Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Ohh!
Oh!
I got you!
Here he comes!
Cat!
- Where's my hat? Oh! Go! Go, go!
Go! Let's go!
My tail, my tail.
Come on, Cat!
I'm walking here!
Joan. Joan!
- I think we lost him.
- Not the pocket. Not the pocket!
- We got the lock back.
Now let's get home.
- Relax, kid. I'm all over it.
Hey.
What's wrong?
This.
This is not my hat.
I must have picked up
the wrong hat back there.
- So?
- So...
without my hat,
I'm just your garden-variety
six-foot-tall talking cat.
Joan, your children
are running around town
like complete maniacs.
Yes, they are.
With some weird,
hairy man in a big hat.
Uh-huh.
You're gonna believe everything
I'm telling you once we get to
your house, okay? Come on.
We're doomed!
We're dead. This is all my fault.
I'm such an idiot.
Why do I always have to do
the opposite of what I'm supposed to?
Wait a second.
That's it! The opposite!
Hey, Things!
Don't help us!
Do not show up and help us
get home right now!
- We're goin' on a road trip!
- Larry's car?
How'd you get so smart?
So the race was on
to get back home first.
Hang on! We gotta beat
Mom and Quinn home!
But back at their home,
things were just getting worse.
There's Mom and Larry!
Step on it, Joan.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Oh, Things, do not do anything
to slow down my mom.
Slow down Mom!
Look, Joan, they don't
beat them every day.
Oh, great.
I'm sorry, Officer.
Was I speeding?
Mekka dekka license,
appa registration.
Mekka dekka,
you're one hot mama.
Hey, that's my car.
Joan, we better go right away!
Please let me handle this.
Sorry, I guess I was
in a hurry to get home.
- I'm not gonna let them
get away with this!
Meet me at the house!
Not so fast,
you little maggots!
Ha-ha!
Oh, you are so busted.
Now get inside.
You don't want to go in there.
It's going to be a total...
Aah!
What?
Sally, what happened?
What about the mother
of all messes?
I don't know.
Why am I sneezing?
That'd be me. Boo!
You're a giant...
Cat!
Judas Priest!
Ooh.
Mama mia.
What happened
to our house?
It's the mother
of all messes.
Yup!
Pure, unadulterated fun
without any good sense or judgment.
See, Corn Dog,
this is why I warned you...
not to open the crate.
- Although, on the plus side,
I think people will be
talking about tonight's party
for the rest of their lives.
- We gotta shut the crate! Come on!
- Okay.
Let's take the front hall carpet.
- This can't be the front hall.
- This is what happens when you
mix your world and my world.
Oh, and when you eat
bad shellfish.
Let's go! Oh, yeah!
Cat, how do we
find the crate?
Beats me.
This hat is worthless,
and it makes me look fat.
- Where's Mrs. Kwan?
- Oh-ho-ho!
Here she comes,
right on schedule.
- Oh, yeah!
- We're going to ride Mrs. Kwan?
Sure! It's the only way
to the crate. Hop on!
Oh, this is gonna be good!
Please keep your hands and feet
in the Kwan at all times!
Enjoy the ride!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the dining room. Ohh!
This is the dining room?
Hey, look.
Chandelier!
Is that the bathroom?
You might want to
hold it for a while.
Something like that
really burns my...
Aaah!
This is amazing!
It's like a ride
at an amusement park!
You mean, like at...
Universal Studios.
Cha-ching.
Whoa!
- Whoa!
Please exit the Kwan to your left.
Have a nice day!
This is ridiculous.
I have to get home.
Police brutality!
Illegal choke hold!
Where are we?
The living room,
I think.
Ah, man!
My eyes are closed.
If there's no line, could we
go back and do that again?
There's the crate!
Oh!
If we shut the crate,
the house will go back to normal.
You have the lock?
Got it!
Come on! Let's go!
Sally!
- Come on!
- It won't shut!
Sally! Everything
is disappearing up there!
- Help!
- Sally!
- Oh! Oh!
- Sal... Aaah!
- Help me, Conrad!
- Sally!
Help me!
I can't hold on!
Hang on!
Help me, Conrad!
Help!
Sally, I can't reach
the lock!
- No!
- I can't save you
unless you let go!
Okay.
Help me!
- Yes!
Ugh!
I did it!
I did it!
I did it! I did it!
I did it!
I did it! I did it!
Okay, "we" did it.
I don't think
we did anything.
The place is still a wreck.
You said if we shut the crate,
everything would be okay!
But it's not.
It's a complete disaster!
Well, what are you
gonna do?
Tennis, anyone?
Ooh!
Love that new ball smell.
Yeah.
- Hey, your hat... it's magic again?
- Oops.
Well, now that the cat's out of the bag,
to use an archaic
and cruel-sounding metaphor,
why don't you serve first?
You had your real hat
this whole time?
Uh-yup.
I planned the whole day.
- What do you mean,
you planned the whole day? All of it?
- Uh-yup.
- The house getting trashed?
- Uh-yup.
- Quinn taking Nevins?
- Uh-yup.
- Cutting off your tail?
- Uh-nope. No.
You even knew
I'd open the crate?
Why do you think I made it my one rule?
I knew you couldn't resist.
Now, who's up for a game
of Canadian doubles?
Cat, you said nothing bad
would happen.
Cat, you need to get out.
I don't know that game.
It's not a game.
None of this is a game!
- But I thought you two
wanted to have fun today.
- Look around, Cat.
You were right.
It's fun to have fun,
but you have to know how.
You don't know
when enough is enough.
Now, go!
Suzy.
Cromwell.
Please.
Out!
Out!
Good riddance!
Now, this may not be the time
for I told you so," but...
Like I said,
not the time.
I'll get the mop
and bucket.
Conrad, you might want
to get out of here until Mom
has a chance to calm down.
No. This was my fault.
I'll take the blame.
Look, Mom will be home any second.
Why don't you go upstairs?
I'm not going upstairs.
I'm staying with you.
Really? Why?
Two reasons.
One, the stairs are destroyed.
Two, this is just as much
my fault as yours.
We should share the blame.
Thanks, Sally.
By the way,
you're a pretty good brother.
Glad you think that.
Maybe we can room together
at military school.
Well, here goes.
@ Bet you thought I'd gone
Bet you felt a sting @
@Bet you never thought
I'd have another song to sing @
@ But now that you've learned your lesson
Allow me to blow your mind @
@ By reading to you the small print
of the contract that you signed @@
Okay, section eight,
article 93, subparagraph 834.
Right by the chili stain.
It reads, "If Conrad, a.k.a. Concrete,
should open the crate...
"and we know he will...
the contract shall be null and void.
"However,
if Sally and Conrad
should learn from their mistakes,
the contract shall be reinstated."
I think you two have satisfied
the legal burden of learning.
Yeah!
So there's just one last game to play.
It's called "Clean Up The House."
Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial
Renovating Tractormajigger.
D-l-R-T?
That's right!
@It's getting better
all the time @
@I used to get mad
at my school @
Ta-da!
@ The teachers who taught me
weren't cool @
@ You're holding me down @
@ Turning me 'round @
@Filling me up
with your rules @
@Ooh-ooh @
@I've got to admit
it's getting better@
@Better@
@A little better
all the time @
@It can't get no worse @
@I have to admit
it's getting better@
@Better@
@A little better
since you've been mine @
- Hee-hee!
@Me used to be
an angry young man @
@Me hiding my head
in the sand @
@ You gave me the word
I finally heard @
@I'm doing the best
that I can, yeah @
@I've got to admit
it's getting better@
@Better@
@A little better
all the time @
@Can't get no worse @
@I have to admit
it's getting better@
@Better@
@It's getting better@
@Since you've been mine @
Oh, yeah!
@Getting so much better@
These drapes are so out,
@All the time @
they're in!
@It's getting better
all the time @
Yeah!
- @Better, better, better@
- Spin! Spin!
@It's getting better
all the time @
@Better, better, better@
Ooh! Ooh!
@I have to admit
it's getting better@
@A little better
all the time @
@It can't get no worse @
@ Yes, I admit
it's getting better@
- @It's getting better@
- Bye!
@Since you've been mine @
@Getting so much better
all the time @@
Okay, we had some good times.
We cleaned up the house.
We even managed to work in
an up-tempo pop tune for the sound track.
That's important.
I guess there's just one
last thing to check.
Huh?
Looks like everything's
in balance,
but you're still smoking
way too many cigars.
- And you... lay off the sauce!
Cat,
this day has been...
amazing.
Thank you, Cat.
For everything.
Conrad?
Sally?
Adieu.
Cat!
- Cat!
- Huh?
- Wait, Cat.
- Don't go!
Uh-oh!
All right, kids.
This place better not be a mess.
I'm... home?
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mom.
Miss Walden, home so soon?
The children were angels.
- Thanks, Mrs. Kwan.
- Hello, Joan.
Lawrence, what happened to you?
They... happened to me.
Your demonic children.
They destroyed your house!
Uh...
The house was alive.
The wall was made of paper.
I fell off the cliff.
And the giant cat...
The giant cat!
Tell her.
Larry, Larry.
You look terrible,
and my mom
thinks you're insane.
This is what we in sales
call "a win-win scenario."
Joan, you are passing up
the opportunity of a lifetime.
You know what kind of kid
your boy is.
I mean, who are you
going to believe?
You're right. I do know
what kind of kid Conrad is.
He can be irresponsible.
Yes!
He makes bad choices.
Sometimes he makes me
want to tear my hair out.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
But he's a good kid,
and I believe in him.
Now, I'd like you
to leave.
Wha... Joan. Joan.
Joan. Joan.
Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan!
- Will you marry me, Joan?
Oh, Joan, Joan,
Joan, Joan.
Yes!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Oh, that's nice.
Mr. Humberfloob?
Whoa-ho-ho!
Almost got me again.
Enjoy the party.
Mr. Humberfloob.
Joan, the party's a hit
and the house is immaculate.
Congratulations.
Miss Walden. Uh, Miss Walden.
Chicka-ow, chicka-ow,
chica-yee-haw!
Hi, Mom!
Honey, your cupcakes
are a huge hit.
What did you put in them?
Mom, you can make cupcakes
out of anything.
Are you telling me
you can make cupcakes
out of anything?
- Anything.
- Anything?
So what did you kids
do today, huh?
Well, what would you do
if your mother asked you?
The family was whole,
all thanks to the Cat,
who was dashing and charming,
no doubt about that.
He was witty and cultured...
and, well, very endearing...
and tremendously attractive,
but in a sort of real way.
You know, kind of
an approachable way that I think
you don't see these days...
Oh! Hello! I was just, uh...
I really should be going.
How'd they get so smart?
Oh, yeah!
Whoo!
Come on, Things!
Let's go!
What's on my schedule
for tomorrow?
What do you say
we go on vacation?
How 'bout Hawaii?
I like Hawaii.
I should warn you,
there are certain places that
don't allow certain Things.
Oh, Things are complicated.
Fixed By Pacman
Spellchecked, CC-ripped and re-fixed by lars
@ Things are getting weird
Things are getting tough @
@Nothing's making sense
but you keep on looking up @
@ They tell you to be true
You're trying every day @
@ To keep it on the real
Still you gotta find a way @
@ To make your mama happy
To make your papa proud @
@ You wanna turn it up
but all you hear is "tone it down"@
@So gather round
I'm here to say @
@ You'll never make everybody's day @
@But while you're around
you might as well @
@Catch the tiger by its tail @
@And hang on
hang on, hang on @
@Everybody just get on
get on, get on @
@Get started
and go on, go on, go on @
@Everybody just hold on @
@Sometimes I wanna cry
or throw the towel in @
@ You try to bring me down
but I'll take it on the chin @
@And everywhere I go
the people are the same @
@ They just want to know
that everything will be okay @
@ When things are getting rough
they turn it back around @
@ You gotta turn it up
when they tell you "tone it down"@
@So gather round
I'm here to say @
@ You'll never make everybody's day @
@But while you're around
you might as well @
@Catch the tiger by its tail @
@And hang on
hang on, hang on @
@Everybody just
get on, get on, get on @
@Get started
and go on, go on, go on @
@Everybody just hold on @
@Just hang on @
@So gather round
I'm here to say @
@ You'll never make everybody's day @
@But while you're around
you might as well @
@Catch a tiger by its tail @
@And hang on
hang on, hang on @
@Everybody just
get on, get on, get on @
@Get started
and go on, go on, go on @
@Everybody just hold on @
@Hang on, hang on, hang on @
@Everybody just
get on, get on, get on @
@Get started
and go on, go on, go on @
@Everybody just hold on @
@Just hang on @@