63. 65. Is this our area?
I mean, would you still call
this where we live?
Gabe, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Look, are we doing this? What?
I don't even know these people.
They've asked us to dinner.
We're new, we don't know anyone.
It's nice.
Yeah, but are they our kind of
people? I don't know.
We're going to find that out, aren't
we? Yeah, but then we're trapped
over dinner, coffees, cocktails,
then we have to ask them back.
And then what?
And then we're friends, friends with
people who aren't our friends.
What?
Is this about the Chinese lady?
I watched them take her away, Nat.
Yeah, kind of awkward.
They dragged her off the train just
because she had the wrong ticket.
I mean, she doesn't know.
She doesn't speak English.
She's obviously here illegally.
I think this is the house.
I mean, she's halfway back
to God knows what.
Interrogation, waterboarding?
Do they even do that in China? No!
I don't know, maybe. Don't let it
spoil your evening though.
Are you going to bring that in?
What? The coffee. Yeah, of course.
I mean, are you going to do
the thing where you tell them
it came out of something's arse?
It did.
It did come out of something's
arse. That's the point.
OK, well, if they're not interested,
don't start sulking.
Are you going to drink tonight?
What? No, nothing.
It's just you said you might not
want to drink, that's all.
All right. I'll...
say I'm on antibiotics. Yeah...
Tell you what, let's have a safe
word so if one of us wants to go,
we say it and
we can get the fuck out.
Oh, shit, that's a great idea.
WOMAN SHOUTS ..try and make them feel
comfortable in this fucking house.
Welcome. Come in, come in.
Wow, such a beautiful...
Yes, yes, this is the hallway.
We're going to knock this
all through. Come through.
It's all going to be
one big living space. Come through.
We brought you some...
Sasha! Give me your coats.
I'll hang them.
Come through.
Come through. Sasha!
So glad you made it.
Such a beautiful area,
so many people moving in like you.
Sasha, for fuck's sake!
Coffee, we brought you some coffee.
Something smells nice.
Yes, yes, it's goulash.
It's Hungarian dish.
Traditional. It's pronounced
goulash. Oh, goulash.
Goulash.
It's called civet coffee.
Yes, yes. This is Marty.
This is Angie.
Sasha, please, for fuck's sake!
Civet's a type of weed. Yes, yes.
Sasha will be here in a minute.
He's my fucking husband.
What do you want me
to do with the...?
What is wrong?
They're just having a little barney.
There's a bit of tension.
There was some shouting and
then I think Helene was crying.
I don't think she was crying.
Well, maybe we should...
No, I don't think it's a big deal.
I'm Marty. Nat. This is Gabe.
Hey.
Hi, I'm Angie. Hi.
So, a bit of tension, then.
Yeah.
I understand you have some coffee...
or something.
Yeah, well, it's just...
It's no big deal.
It's just that this is civet coffee.
It's actually a delicacy.
The civet is a kind of weasel.
So the civet eats the fruit.
What fruit?
The coffee fruit. So the civet
eats the coffee fruit,
leaving the bean which doesn't get
digested in its stomach acid
which it then excretes and... Shits?
Yeah, it's all clean.
It's traditional.
They've been harvesting it
for years in Indonesia.
So this is a bag of weasel
shit beans?
I'm not explaining
what this is properly.
Because we drink Illy here.
It's a delicacy. Yeah, I get it.
It cost 27.50 a lb.
So you just moved to the area?
Yes, yeah.
We used to live in Strood.
We moved here about a month ago.
What's Strood like? Oh, it's great.
We loved it. Yeah, we loved it.
We had a lot of friends. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, and it was just one
of those areas, really.
It was beautiful.
Yeah, kind of had everything.
So why did you move?
So here we all are.
We just have one more guest to come.
His name is Danny.
He's a very good friend.
A lovely, lovely man.
He's had a little bit of
a difficult time lately
so I hope you will be very kind to
him.
He is a keen rock climber, Gabe,
so you will have very much to talk
to him about. I don't...
Marty and Angie are our very best
friends in the area.
They really are lovely,
lovely people.
Until you get to know us.
Adult rock club?
She's joking. Of course,
she really is so funny.
Ah, she used to be in a rock group.
Do you know Barananama? Bananarama?
You were in Bananarama?
Yeah, for a bit, yeah.
Whoa. You're kidding? You know
this rock band? Barananama.
When were you in?
What, after Jacquie or after
Siobhan? After Jacquie and Siobhan.
This was a long time ago.
Oh, that is mad. Do you miss it?
Do you miss the biz? No,
it's full of backstabbing cunts.
Good times though.
Would you like to see the
rest of the house?
Sasha, will you give them the tour,
please?
I've just got a drink.
Fuck's sake. We've done the tour.
You've seen the new bathroom?
This is the utility room.
It's where the washer dryer
goes and the combi boiler.
That's the washer dryer.
And that's the combi boiler.
This is the kitchen.
This is Italian marble.
The cooker's German.
And there's this.
I like that.
'There's storage there,
'storage there, some storage there,
'that's storage.'
Bedroom one.
Bedroom two.
'Storage.'
What the fuck is going on?
They've had an argument, it's fine.
What's the safe word? What?
The safe word.
Oh, all right, look, if I say...
What are you doing?
She was...
Nothing.
That's a two-person shower.
That's the toilet, or, as is known
in Gabe's house, the coffee machine.
It's traditional,
it's an Indonesian tradition.
It's delicious.
You have a lovely house.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Yes, this is a lovely house which is
why we don't need another one.
But that is another matter and
I'm not going to talk about that
and embarrass you with
our personal problems.
We're going to have a lovely,
lovely evening.
Danny will be here soon. He has had
a bit of a difficult time.
He is a suicide.
Excuse me? Yes, he tried to kill
himself but only a little bit.
It is all in the past.
Gabe, you can talk to him about
mountains and rocks and suchlike.
But I don't...
Let me give you some alcohol so we
can all get a little bit pissed.
Oh, not for me, thank you. Oh.
Will you be able to relax
without alcohol?
I'm on antibiotics, I'm afraid.
So I better not.
My uncle used to always say he was
on antibiotics any time
anyone offered him booze but
he was just trying to stop drinking.
I mean, he was an massive alcoholic.
He always drank in the end.
Mmm. Well, this is delicious. Yes,
they are really delicious prawns.
Are these king prawns
or tiger prawns
or just normal prawns but big?
They're just prawns.
There's no need to get excited.
They're just ordinary prawns.
He's just asking a question,
Helene, OK?
He's just asking
about the fucking prawns
because he doesn't know what to say.
I'm glad you like the prawns.
Thank you for asking about them.
I don't know what kind of prawns
they are
but there are more prawns
if you'd like.
Are you not eating yours, Marty?
Oh, no, I'm highly allergic.
I mean, even if I so much
as touch a prawn, that's it.
Game over. I'm dead.
I mean, you wouldn't even bother
calling an ambulance because
I'd be gone before they got here.
Your only chance would be to
cut my throat open.
But even that wouldn't work,
not really.
But why have you got
them on your plate, then?
I didn't want to cause a fuss.
So, Angie, what is it you do?
I make bullets.
Sorry, what do you mean?
Oh, sorry, no, I mean, I work for
a company that makes bullets.
What do you mean when you say
bullets, like, do you mean...?
Yeah, like,
that you fire out of a gun.
And are they for hunting or...?
Yeah, we do hunting bullets too.
Oh, so you make bullets for combat?
War bullets? Well, they don't call
them war bullets but, yeah.
Oh, right.
What's that like?
Everyone is lovely.
We have a lot of fun.
In my country, we don't talk about
the food. We eat the food.
I did not mean to be rude to you,
Gabe,
but won't have a lovely,
lovely evening
when the prawns are for eating,
that's all I'm saying.
For fuck's sake, Helene.
No, you, for fuck's sake. You.
I'm trying to create a lovely,
lovely evening for these people.
For two of our best friends
in the world
and for two people that
we don't even know.
And all you're doing is making
everyone feel fucking uncomfortable.
Yeah? Well, I didn't even want them
to come. You see?
You see what a charming man
I'm married to?
Look, maybe we should go.
I mean... No, no way.
Just eat your prawns.
Yeah, we have goulash next.
She makes a lovely goulash
so let's just change the subject
and fucking relax.
So did you move here for work?
Oh, no, not really.
I source promo material for
a phone company
so you can do that from anywhere.
And I actually had a pretty good job
in Strood as far as jobs go.
I'm not actually working
here at the minute.
You know,
I just need to find my feet
cos in Strood
I knew the lie of the land.
You knew a lot of people. Yeah.
You knew everyone. Yeah.
But we're happy to be here.
Oh, yeah, it's a great area. Yeah.
There are some lovely areas
in England.
Yes, there really are.
Yeah. I have been here for some time
and it's a very beautiful country.
It is, not everywhere though.
Have you ever been to Dorset?
For fuck's sake.
Because I have been to Dorset
and let me tell you something
about Dorset.
I hate Dorset.
Oh, you hate Dorset?
Yes, and I was talking to Nat.
How can anyone hate Dorset?
It has coastline, it has villages,
it has countryside,
there's a butcher there
that knows us by name.
Nat, would you excuse me for a
minute? You fucking bastard.
You fucking bastard.
Don't do this, Helene.
You sneaky, lying, dirty
little bastard. Don't do this.
You all want to know
what this fucking bastard did?
You all want to know what a pile
of rat-shit puke I am married to?
You all want to know? No, stop,
please. This is just nuts.
What the hell is going on?
What are you doing?
We've just walked in the door.
We don't even know you
and you're at each other
like snappy dogs.
I mean, I don't know what Angie and
Marty think but what do you think
this is like for us?
Look, you've obviously
got something going on
so if you want us to go, we'll go.
Just let us walk out the door.
But if you want us to say,
then, please...
..start talking to each other
like human beings.
I am very sorry...
..if I have offended you.
It was not my plan.
My plan was to give you a lovely,
lovely evening
but apparently I'm holding you
and the best friends in
all the world prisoner.
Oh, no, Helene. No, no.
Apparently, I'm a snappy dog,
with a husband I hate
and terrible hostess instinct.
But let me tell you something,
if there is one thing I am guilty
of, it is of loving too much.
That is all.
Not cool, buddy.
Not cool at all.
I'm just going to pop to the loo.
Hello? Pretend I'm someone else.
Pretend you're talking to someone
else. Hello...
..Timberlake.
What?
Doesn't matter. Let's get the
fuck out of here, now.
I've thought about it.
I'm going to say the sitter's called
and somebody's got a temperature.
No, let's say she's found a lump.
No, no, temperature's fine.
Let's say it's high, though, so
we can get the FUCK out of here now.
Yeah, I'm afraid I can't agree
to that, Timberlake.
What?!
Think I can pull this back.
What are you talking about?
Yeah. I need to stay
and pull this back.
Let's stay.
Let's stay in the country,
unless your mother comes up
with another plan.
Sasha has put a deposit on
a holiday home in Dorset,
without asking me.
So, there you have it.
You can now smell our dirty sheets.
I think I will have a glass
of wine after all.
I mean, one can't hurt, right?
OK! Danny is here.
Let us forget all the hurtful things
that have been said tonight,
and let us try to get along
for his sake.
Yeah, of course.
He is a suicide, after all.
But that is all in the past.
So in fact, forget about that
completely.
But just try not to say anything
cruel to him, Gabe?
Just talk about rocks.
I'm going to get fucked.
And the thing that got me was
the look of fear on her face,
you know, like I could see...
I could tell that she didn't
have her papers.
And suddenly, I'm thinking,
"is this what people felt like
when the Gestapo came?"
I mean, you can't compare it,
it isn't the same.
It's the transport police.
But in a way,
isn't it exactly the same?
And is this little old Chinese lady
who came to this country fleeing
God knows what, is she now on
her way back to some kind of horror?
Is anyone thirsty?
I wouldn't think there was anything
you could do, Gabe, was there?
I'm a little thirsty,
is anyone else?
Do you know,
I sometimes think that...
No. No, that just sounds...
No, go on. Go on, right?
Well, if the shit hit,
what kind of person would I be?
I mean, God forbid, something
happens and a fascist state is
installed, and they come
for our Turkish neighbours,
what would I do?
Am I the kind of man that would hide
them in our secret cupboard,
or do I shout out the window,
"There's two more upstairs,
you missed them!
"They're hiding in the attic!
"Get them, get them, not me!"
Elaine, do you want one of them
open?
Gabe, I'm sure she's OK. It sounds
like a misunderstanding.
And look, people are generally good.
You're right, Danny. Good for you.
You sure you should be drinking?
Oh, no, he can drive.
With the antibiotics.
Oh, yeah, those antibiotics.
Danny, it's so good to have
you here.
Makes me so happy to see your
smiling face at my table.
Well, it's nice to be here,
the goulash was incredible.
Oh, my God, the goulash!
The goulash was terrific.
Yeah, you have to give me
the recipe.
No. No, why would I do that?
Then you can make my goulash.
Fuck that.
No, I was just saying...
Speaking of China, we actually do
a lot of business with the Chinese.
A LOT of business.
Oh, so they buy a lot of...?
Bullets, yeah.
It's mostly them and Texas.
Doesn't it bother you, though?
I mean, making bullets?
Yeah, well, the way I see it...
those guns need bullets.
Danny, would you like another drink?
He HAS a drink, Helene.
You want to know an industry
that really kills people?
The music industry.
What, more than the arms industry?
Girl bands, yeah.
Historically.
Did you have a bad time
in Bananarama?
Well, I got out in time, but you
can't survive that shit twice.
Are you having a good time,
Danny?
These are all lovely, lovely people.
Gabe is a rock climber.
I'm not.
How was work?
Danny, is everything going well
there?
Oh, well, yeah, actually.
Because I just handed in my notice.
No, really? Yeah.
I was sitting there,
staring at a spreadsheet,
again, and I suddenly thought,
"I hate my job."
So I got up, walked into Martin
and just...
handed in my notice.
Wow. Shit.
Gabe also doesn't have a job.
That's another thing you have
in common.
It's the first thing we have
in common.
Yeah, what did bring you guys here?
We said, didn't we? Yeah.
No. No, you didn't say.
Well, it's actually a funny story.
You want to tell it or...?
You go ahead.
So, we were looking for somewhere
to go.
Yeah. Couldn't decide.
Yeah, we're looking at places
and going, "is this us?"
"Is this us?" sort of thing.
And then we found this website.
Road traffic gov... Dot gov...
Dot gov sort of thing.
And it turns out that this area
has the lowest incidence
of traffic fatalities in the entire
EU. Yeah.
So...
So we moved here.
Sorry, my English is not so...
Did you say this was a funny story?
Well, maybe not funny ha-ha,
more funny...
peculiar.
Danny, do you understand
why this is a funny story?
Well, yeah. It's...
interesting.
In my country, this would not be
interesting, but then,
we don't ask questions about prawns
either, so I accept what you say.
- Would you like some more strawberries?
- Oh, no, no. But that was great...
Or some ice cream? I could get you
some ice cream...
No, no, I'm stuffed.
We have a little rum baba?
Would you like a little rum baba?
For Christ's sake, Helene, he
doesn't want any rum fucking baba.
Stop dribbling down his neck
like a fucking vampire,
and leave the poor bastard alone.
Nat, would you help me
with the cheese?
What? Will you give me a hand in the
kitchen with the cheese?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.
Cheese.
Danny?
Have you seen the new bathroom?
No. No, I haven't.
What? We'll go show you.
Yeah, yeah, it's nice.
It's nice. It's got... Taps and...
Gabe?
Oh, yeah. Course.
Gabe?
You know what?
I'll let you get on.
I'm not sure if that's such
a good idea.
Nor am I.
But I know what I'm doing.
Bathroom's great, Danny.
You'll love it.
I have something to tell you.
There is no cheese.
Oh. Right.
Shit. Yes.
I brought you in here
because I don't want there
to be any secrets between us.
And I think you will agree,
we're going to be very close.
No, yes.
What would you say if I told you
that Sasha had an ex-wife
tucked away?
I'd say...
Yeah?
Look.
Helene.
Come on!
Sasha is very in love with you.
I know,
I've only see you fight and shout at
each other and call each other
shit names, but you fight with
a lot of passion. And you have...
You have a lovely home.
And your goulash is terrific.
So, come on!
Sasha has an ex-wife.
And his ex-wife lives in Dorset.
Oh, what a cunt.
I don't know if you think that I'm
some kind of arsehole or not...
OK, we don't know each other.
But this thing with Helene,
I mean...
You're on a hiding to nowhere,
there.
I'm not trying to interfere,
but if you just step back from...
Thank you for your advice.
Why don't you go and look
at the bathroom?
Come on, mate. Mate? Come on.
Don't be all... You know,
let's just...
Let's talk to each other.
You want to talk?
With me? Yeah.
I saw a little old lady get dragged
off a train today
because I didn't step in,
now I just want to...
So why didn't you?
What? Why didn't you step in?
Why didn't you pay for her ticket?
Well, that's not my point.
Well, it's my point.
That lady, who is an illegal
immigrant, by the way... Well...
Is now on her way back to Zhengzhou
having her anal cavity probed
because you wouldn't shell out
?8.50? No.
It was peak, it would have been...
You see,
you look at me,
and you make a big set
of assumptions.
Oh, works in the city, eats meat,
big cock...
Actually, I hadn't.
I have an artistic side.
Did you know that?
No. Why?
Because you don't look.
You can't see past
your own stupid nose.
No, I hadn't...
The world isn't nice, Gabe.
It's big bastards
eating little bastards.
It's baby children in sweatshops
cleaning out your MacBook Air
with their little fingers,
because you want them to.
I don't want them to.
Yeah, you do, you tight-fisted liar.
Look, have I upset you?
You ask what kind of person
you would be
if the Gestapo marched into town.
I'll tell you what kind
of person you'd be.
You'd be kneeling on people's chests
and ripping out their gold teeth
with pliers so you can get
a new iPhone.
No, I wouldn't.
You'd be a Nazi.
You're a fucking Nazi.
I'm not a Nazi!
I've got Tony Benn's autobiography.
Yeah, but you haven't read it,
have you?
You haven't read a single word.
You see this?
You see this? This is who I am.
This is me. Uh-huh?
I don't know what I'm looking at...
It's art. I do art.
Oh, what, that surprises you?
I make... I make these.
They're ashtrays.
And I make them.
But they're made of wood.
Of course they're made
of fucking wood!
That's the art bit. Uh-huh.
It's an ashtray that you cannot use,
it's a fucking statement.
How can I compete with what
he has in Dorset?
What are you talking about?
You can compete. I can't.
It's too much of a pull for him.
He would rather be there, I know it,
I know it in my heart.
Right.
Listen to me.
If that were true, I would be
the first to say to you,
"Fuck him."
You do not have to stand for that,
you are a beautiful and powerful
woman with some great recipes
and a beautiful house,
and if that piece of shit can't see
that, then I'd say, I'd say,
"fucking pick up that bottle there,
"go in and smack him over the head
with it," but...
No.
No, wait, wait for the but!
Let's have a moment.
Let's talk. Let's talk!
But! Listen to the but!
No, Nat. This is the best advice
I have ever been given.
I'm going to kill him!
Helene! I'm bleeding.
I'm FUCKING bleeding!
Oh,
Jesus fucking Christ.
You told her to do what?
To smack him with the bottle,
but I wasn't... Jesus Christ!
I said "but"!
And you're drinking.
Yeah, I'm fucking drinking!
Look at these people!
What are we doing here?
We shouldn't be here with these
people. We should be in Strood.
We can't be in Strood.
Why can't we? You know why.
Let's just get the fuck out.
OK. I'll call a cab.
I'll get the coffee.
What? The coffee. The civet coffee.
He threw it away. Fuck him!
Ten minutes,
then I'm leaving without you.
This coffee...
You see, there's a thing
like a weasel...
Oh, is that civet coffee?
Yeah. It's supposed to be delicious.
Yeah, it's the acid...
The acid in the digestive tract.
Yeah.
They threw it out! What is it,
like, 25 quid a pound? 27.50.
Take it! Take it with you while
no-one's looking. Yeah, I will.
Thanks, Danny. Thanks.
So, how's it going out there?
It's calmed down a bit.
I think they're all nuts. Nat told
me about the ex-wife. That's crazy.
Buying a house just so you can be
near your ex-wife -
what's that about? That's not
why he's buying the house. What?
It's not why he's buying the house.
It's not about his ex-wife.
It's about his daughter. Sasha has
a daughter? Yeah, Molly. She's ten.
Lovely girl, really smart, funny.
I mean, I love Helene,
but she's never going to let
that girl be in his life.
Oh, that is...
fucked up! Love is fucked up.
Sasha is right. People are bastards.
What do you mean? Well, you know,
I see an old lady get carted off
the train and I don't do anything.
I just go to a dinner party and
pretend I care. Fucking hold court!
That's bullshit.
You cared about that woman.
That's why you needed to talk about
her tonight. No, I know, but...
Do you think? Sasha's not right,
Gabe. Sasha's angry.
People are basically good.
You want to know what sort of person
you'd be in a crisis?
The answer is you'd be you. A person
doing the best you can, getting by.
You'd just be you.
Yeah, you're right. I'll just be me.
Look, Danny, Helene told us that
you'd had a hard time, that you'd...
Well, you know, and I must admit
I was a little scared
cos I thought
you'd be a bit more Morrissey.
But you're just so...sorted.
Thank you. No, I mean it.
You're the only one here who
seems remotely happy.
I'm not always happy.
No, I know. I mean, sure, who is?
But if I'm honest, you're the first
person I've met since I moved
to this fucking area that I've
actually wanted to talk to.
You've got it figured out.
You're smart, you're calm...
Look, I'm just saying it's great
talking to you.
Yeah, well, I suppose I am.
I am calm because...
Well, I've made a decision.
I'm doing it tonight.
Right. Doing what?
Are you serious?
I wanted to see Helene before...
She's been a great friend.
Wait, hang on a minute.
That doesn't seem...
What do you mean, like,
kill yourself?
Dead?
Pretty dead, yeah. But you seem
so good. You're happy, you're fine.
I like you.
I'm happy, yeah, because I've made
a decision, but last week,
if you'd have seen me,
I was screwed up in a ball of agony.
That's what my life's generally
like - not tonight, not this.
And I've been through years of it -
treatment and hospitals.
No, wait, hang on.
There are so many things, like, er,
music and poetry...
Not poetry,
but have you seen Boyhood?
I heard somewhere that a hot bath
can really just... Gabe, Gabe...
A hot bath isn't going to
cure what I've got.
Look, I get to do this now when I
feel good. I'm making my own choice.
Isn't that the right way to go?
Yeah, all right. Look, don't.
What? All right? Because...
Well, just don't.
It was really nice meeting you,
Gabe.
OK, cab's here, it's all sorted.
I've told them Sonia
has a temperature and the shits.
I think that might be a bit too
much, but I just panicked.
Either way,
we are out of here and that is it.
We never see these fucking people
again in our lives, OK?
Gabe? Hmm?
What are you doing?
Well, our taxi's here
so we're just going to...
I'm sorry it was a little bit of
a dramatic evening. Well...
It's just Sasha and I had
a few things we needed to sort out.
But we've sorted them out now,
haven't we, darling? Yeah, yeah.
We're not going to get the house.
No, Dorset is, er...
Dorset is dead. Oh, that's great!
You made the right decision.
Good for you, Sasha.
Yeah, my life is here.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Yes, our life is here. Just us.
Sorry if I was a bit...
So, despite everything, I hope you
had a wonderful evening
and a wonderful introduction
to our lovely, lovely area.
Oh! It was great. Thank you!
It was lovely to come round.
You're all great! We must do it
again sometime.
OK, when?
When?
When?
Next week? Fantastic! Yeah!
Our place next.
You are one of us now.