Mr. Dobson,
it's time for us to do what
the Good Lord would refer to
as a "cleansing of the wicked,"
and what my brother George,
God rest his soul,
used to call
"100% Alabama ass kickin'."
So you think we're gonna
die here today?
Dying's not an option.
Now, you stick that back
in that gray matter of yours
and you make that stick,
'cause any other thought's
gonna get you cold-slabbed,
toe-tagged and mailed home to your mom in
a plastic bag. Are we crystal?
- Crystal, sir.
- Gentlemen!
Let's do what
God made us to do.
This is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell...
of the Ruggsville County
Sheriff's Department.
You're completely surrounded!
You have
no chance of escape!
Now would be the time
to vacate the premises peacefully.
There's a million
fucking cops!
Come on.
Otis, the fucking pigs
are everywhere!
- Tell me something I don't know!
- We've gotta do something!
You're completely surrounded.
You have no chance of escape.
Can't take the car,
about 25 pigs.
I know, I know!
Shit fuck shit fuck!
Shit.
Where the fuck is Tiny?
- I ain't seen Tiny.
- Tiny!
- I think he went out last night.
- Everybody shut up!
Mama, what's the matter?
I keep thinking
about... old times...
like when you was
a fuckin' baby.
- You looked like an angel.
- I know, Mama.
- You told me that a million times.
- Yeah.
Gentlemen!
On the count of three!
- Ready?
- Yeah.
- One!
- I love you, Mama.
- I love you, Baby.
- Two!
Let's go.
Three!
Fucking pigs!
Stupid motherfucker!
Die, you fuckers!
- You okay?!
- Yeah, are you?
Fuck!
- Ready?
- Yeah yeah yeah, go go!
Man down!
- Hold your fire!
- Hold your fire!
Dobson! Get some tear-gas
in that house!
Sir!
Mama!
Let's go! Let's go!
Do not fucking move!
I advise you
to lower that weapon.
I'm sorry, Sheriff,
but you ain't gettin' me.
Looks like you ain't
gettin' off that easy,
huh, bitch?
All right, everybody listen up.
I want this place gone over
with a fine-tooth comb.
Wherever these fuckers are,
- they gotta be close.
- I am standing outside the perimeter
of what is turning out to be
the most horrific crime scene
since Jack the Ripper
stalked the streets of London.
What police have uncovered
reads like this...
words can't describe it...
"Human skulls
used as ornaments,
body parts stuffed
in refrigerators. "
And I can't believe
what it says here:
"A mass grave
of decomposing bodies
dumped under the crawlspace
of the house. "
Hey, Chief, you might wanna
check this out.
- What?
- I don't know.
Jesus H Christ.
Motherfucker.
What, you recognize the clown?
Yeah, his name is Spaulding,
Captain fucking Spaulding.
Oh, yeah! Ooh, yes!
Gimme... give it to me!
- Yeah.
- Yeah yeah.
Yeah, ride the horse, baby!
Ride it!
Ride it! Yeah yeah yeah.
God! Oh, yeah, honey.
Oh-ho!
Give it to me.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah! Oh, yeah!
- You're the captain.
- Come on, baby.
- Yeah yeah yeah...
Oh, ride me, baby.
Ride it, ride it.
Ride it!
Feels so good!
Yeah! Yes, give it!
Give it up! Give it!
Give it, give it!
Yeah! Oh!
Come on, baby, ride it home!
Yeah yeah yeah...
- Yes! Yeah!
- Yeah, oh!
Ah! Oh, honey!
You gettin'
a good ride tonight.
Next time, you gonna
have to pay me.
Did you just call me
a fucking whore?
Well, I calls 'em
like I sees 'em.
Really?
You think I'm
a fucking whore?
I don't think it,
I know it.
- Whore this, fucker.
- Hey hey hey hey!
Come on now, baby,
hold on.
I'm just messing with ya.
You know us clowns,
we like to just fool around
a bunch, you know? Come on.
- Yeah.
- Laugh.
Clown... laugh!
Poopy.
What's the matter,
bad dream?
Yeah, 50-50.
You want to fool
around some more?
Oh, Jesus Christ, woman,
I gotta take a piss.
- No.
- Didn't you get enough ass-banging
last night?
God damn it, my dick is still sore.
- Oh, come on, I'm horny.
- No.
Most guys like
that quality in a girl.
Yeah, except you acting like some
kinda spastic mongoloid in heat.
- Fuckin' bitch.
- Hurry!
Ah...
Where is it?
Just calm down,
it'll be on in a minute.
Ah! Ha ha!
There it is!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
- Yeah.
- You look so sexy.
Captain Spaulding again. I'm here to
tell you about a brand-new attraction.
Mary... the monkey.
Oh yeah, that's right.
- Ha! That fuckin' monkey.
- This here little monkey
- ... is half real human, half monkey...
- I love that monkey.
...I brought all the way
from the wilds of Borneo.
When y'all come in, make sure you bring
little Johnny and Suzie with you.
She'll scare
the holy guacamole out of 'em.
Ha ha! And remember
while you're down here,
pick up a "Captain Spaulding
for president" T-shirt
all shapes and...
Hey, what the fuck is this?
I paid good money for
this goddamn commercial!
Sheriff, "News Update,"
what is the situation now?
The situation?
Now what?
God damn it!
- What are you...
- Yeah, what?
- Daddy, you gotta get outta there.
- Why?
- The pigs hit us this morning real bad.
- Shut the fuck up!
- They're gonna be coming for you too.
- All right, just calm down.
I'll meet you at the Kahiki Palms Motel
just like we always planned.
- Yeah, okay.
- I'll be there as soon as I can.
All right,
just go now.
Poopy!
What do you need a gun for?
Where are we going?
- You ain't going nowhere, bitch.
- Oh, Poopy!
Get outta my fuckin' way!
If you're out there listening to this,
I got a message for ya.
I'm coming to get ya.
You can't run forever.
You're gonna have to stop
somewhere, sometime, and when you do
I'm gonna be there to put the wrath
of the Lord up your ass.
Poopy, don't go!
God damn it,
stop calling me Poopy!
- But, Poopy...
- Leave me alone, woman!
- I want my Poopy! Poopy, no!
- Leave me alone!
In an attempt to help the Ruggsville
Police Department,
we here at "News Update"
would like to show you
these mug shots of the suspects
known to have escaped
during the raid earlier this morning.
100. 150.
184 bucks?
What?!
- Candy!
- What?
Candy, come on down here!
Come on, cut that out.
Turn it off.
Candy, come down here!
- Come on down here!
- All right. Shit.
What?
This is bullshit, baby!
What is this?
What do you want me to say?
It's a slow fuckin' night, boss.
All them farmers want is
a quickie hand job and boom!
10 dolla!
Get back on their tractors,
save the real fucking for the sheep.
Jesus, Candy, you gotta figure
a way to hook 'em in.
You gotta hustle
that pussy.
Find a new angle and you might
attract a higher clientele.
Yeah, well, I've been
thinking about that.
I was thinking about something spacey
like that "Star Wars" shit.
You know, them losers wanna
fuck Princess Leia, right?
I'd fuck her.
Thank you.
I don't know, you start messing
with that spacey shit,
and you'll really bring out
some sick bitches.
They all wanting
to pretend they're robots.
Last thing I need is horny robots
running around, tripping over shit.
Droids... boss,
they call 'em droids.
Whatever.
I still say it's risky.
Wong's Hong Kong Gardens,
this is Mr. Wong speaking.
Cut the shit, Charlie.
It's me, Cutter.
I got a serious meltdown
going on down here
and I need a place to cool out,
so I'm coming down.
Fuck, man, I don't think it's such
a great idea, you coming around here.
I am coming down... now.
- Whoa, ho... hold it!
- Fuck.
Hold it!
Fuck!
Man, I don't see him.
Shit, where the fuck is he?
Jesus! Can we get
over this already?
I mean, I just don't
find it funny anymore.
I don't know,
it's still pretty funny.
- I'd say so.
- I hate to be the one
- to tell you I told you so...
- Then don't.
- But ridin' a mechanical bull
is not as easy as it looks.
Technically, she had
a pretty good ride...
until tragedy struck.
Hey, the lesson here is
that tube tops are not the proper attire
for bull riding, Glory.
I agree with you.
You gonna have to put a harness
on them little suckers, honey.
Her "tig bitties"
were flappin' around...
My titties don't flap!
They looked like two raccoons
in a gunnysack fighting to get out.
- Oh, Adam, shut up.
- When her top fell down,
I was gonna pee myself!
"I was gonna pee myself!"
You're just jealous
'cause you don't have any titties.
Oh, Gloria, come on,
no reason to get mean.
Come on, baby.
You had one titty going this way
and one titty going that way.
It was pretty amazing.
Chances are high you made
a few fans that night.
Oh, shut up, dipshit.
Well, I told Johnny Cash,
and he said...
did you know I shook hands
with Johnny Cash once?
Roy, how about you go
find me the ice machine?
I need a drink.
I'll get you the ice, but you gotta
promise us an encore tomorrow.
Roy!
You wish, honey.
Don't you wish.
The babes are
going into seclusion.
The leader of this group who is
a local celebrity goes by the name
of Captain Spaulding
along with two other
suspects known as Otis...
Aw, shit fuck
shit fuck!
God, calm down.
Get rid of the car.
Don't worry,
I'll get us a room.
- Well, hurry the fuck up!
- Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Police revealed today
that they believe
most of the victims were drugged,
kidnapped and sexually assaulted.
God damn it! Fuck!
Hey, Roy, I was doing some research
on that thing I was telling you about.
- What thing?
- Rodeo clowning.
Rodeo...
A rodeo clown?
You been smoking dope.
Yeah... I mean no,
not right now.
Let me tell you
something.
You spend one second in that pen
and that bull'd have his horn
up your ass
and sticking out your pecker.
That's exactly what
I thought you'd say.
You know, you can never be supportive
of anything I wanna do.
What do you
want me to say?
That you're dressed for the part
and headed in the right direction?
Well, Adam was saying...
I've always been
good with animals.
I mean, dogs love me.
And isn't a horse
kinda like a big dog?
I don't know.
No, you're not
clown material.
Forget it. I'm gonna walk
on over to the gas station.
- You want anything?
- No... yes.
Get me some
of that beef jerky.
Thanks for talking.
I could've been on that pit crew
down in North Carolina.
Yeah.
Meow! Meow.
Hey, pussycat.
Hey, got a light?
No, uh, I don't smoke.
My doctor says I got lungs
like a professional athlete.
Ah, I get it.
You wanna live forever.
Yeah yeah, well...
So what, are you on vacation
all by yourself or something?
Yeah... no. I'm actually out here
with my singing group.
I do the lead singing for it.
It's called
"Banjo and Sullivan. "
I used to sing with Johnny Cash.
He shook my hand.
I love famous people. They're so much
better than the real thing.
Well, yeah,
I suppose they are.
I bet all the girls
wanna fuck you.
- Would you say that again?
- I bet all the girls wanna fuck you.
Do you kiss your mama
with that mouth?
Trust me, fella, that ain't
the only thing I do with this mouth.
Don't tell me that!
What? Say that again.
That I ain't the only thing
I do with this mouth.
It's so depressing.
Let's talk about some of the symbols
of these groups
like the inverted cross
or the pentagram
or the number 666
left at the scene of the crime.
What do you
think about that?
This is not
an isolated incident.
Well, members of these cults
realize they have no chance
of attacking God directly.
- So the next best thing...
- Adam, could you switch this?
- I can't stand to hear about this.
- What do I look like, Roy?
I'm Sullivan,
Roy Sullivan.
Well... Roy Sullivan.
You gonna take me
back to your room and play with me?
My wife's in that room.
Or is my brother
gonna have to shoot
your fucking teeth
out of your head?
Okay, let's go, Hoss.
Move it.
Just makes me sick
to my stomach to think
that we live in a world
where there are Satanic cults.
Come on, Gloria,
it's a bunch of crap.
- I don't know.
- Look at these two idiots.
They're just exaggerating all this shit
to try and kick up ratings.
They wanna get people scared
so they stay at home,
buy TV dinners.
Fuck me running.
I don't know about that.
That business down in Ruggsville...
Ruggsville?
Ruggsville can kiss my ass.
Ain't nothing but a bunch
of local cousin-fuckers
corn-holing the livestock.
Could you just switch it
for me anyway, please?
Jesus Christ, I don't know
how Roy puts up with your shit.
What is taking Roy
so long, anyway?
- Hey!
- On the bed now!
- Get on the bed!
- Let me check my... all right.
- Easy!
- What's going on here, Roy?
Shut up! Did I tell you
to fucking speak?
- Hey! Hey! Quiet! Quiet!
- Did I tell you you could talk?
Roy, what the hell is this?
- God damn it, look at that jacket.
- What?
On TV.
- Well, fuck the TV.
- Fuck the TV? Fuck you!
Will you keep your head
on the business at hand?
- Who's in the shower?
- That's my wife!
- God damn it!
- Don't fuck with. 22.
What are you gonna do, man?
What the fuck are you gonna do?
I wanna know what the fuck
are you gonna do?
Wendy!
Get the fuck out of here!
Don't hurt her, please.
Is this everyone?
Hey, Roy. Open up.
I got some of that Dr. Corndog's
hickory-smoked jerky.
Who the fuck is that?
That's Jimmy.
He's our roadie.
- I forgot all about him.
Baby, you all right?
Now I know
I can't trust you!
I'll get him.
- Hey.
- I'm sorry. I got the wrong room.
I'm looking for
room number two.
No, you got the right room.
Come on in.
- Is Roy in there?
- Roy's in here, all right. Come on in.
Get your ass in here!
On your knees!
Roy, help...
Shut up!
We're at the scene
of a horrific multiple murder.
- No telling how many...
- God damn it!
Fuck!
...in the process
of recovering the corpses
which are in varying states
of decomposition.
It's currently being treated
as a sign of a mass homicide.
If initial figures prove...
Come on, honey.
Mommy has to get to work.
If I'm late one more time,
Mr. McDonnell is gonna can my ass.
I am hurrying!
I dropped something.
Will you get in the car?!
Okay, come on, let's go get in.
- Mom, a clown.
- Yeah yeah, a clown.
Oh... hi.
Hi. I'm gonna have to
be taking your car today.
See, I have some
top-secret clown business
that supersedes any plans that you
might have for this here vehicle.
What's that about clown business?
Do I stutter, bitch?
Jamie, get in the car.
Lock the door.
Where the hell you going?
Damn it.
Don't you never turn your back
on a fucking clown
- when he's talking to you!
- Get your fucking hands off of me!
What's the matter, kid?
Don't you like clowns?
Why? Don't we
make you laugh?
Aren't we fucking funny?
You best come up with an answer
'cause I'm gonna come back here
and check on you and your mama.
If you ain't got a reason
why you hate clowns,
I'm gonna kill your
whole fucking family.
All right, now get
your fucking ass out the car!
Go on!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Shit! Woo!
Chinese, Japanese,
dirty knees, look at these.
Chinese, Japanese,
dirty knees, look at these.
Chinese, Japanese,
dirty knees, look at these.
Hoss, are you staring
at my sister thinking bad thoughts?
No.
Why not? You a faggot?
No.
Well, what are you?
I mean, you got this hot piece of ass
shaking her shit right
in front of you
and you're not getting any ideas?
What do you call that?
I'm a married man.
A married fucking man.
Hey, that's just great!
Let's give him a big round
of applause, folks, for the married man!
- Come on!
Woo! Married man!
All right. Wow.
Okay, Mama,
front and center, on your feet.
Don't hurt her.
Get on your feet.
Come on.
Let's go.
Please, mister,
this is insane.
Boy... the next word
that comes outta your mouth
better be some brilliant
fucking Mark Twain shit,
'cause it's definitely getting
chiseled on your tombstone.
Okay, come on, Mama.
Take that shit off,
let's see what's been holding Hoss's
balls at attention all these years.
What?
What? Take off your clothes,
or one of these assholes
is going to die.
Come on, come on.
Shit, way to go, Roy!
She ain't too bad.
She got a tight
little ass on her!
And she got some
child-rearing hips.
Huh, yeah, hey.
Please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me.
Here, ooh, Jeez.
Roy, beginning to see what you mean.
Whoa.
Please don't hurt me.
You like this, don't ya?
Say "Yes, I do. "
You like that, don't ya?
Say "Yes, I do. "
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I... I do.
Okay.
Okay, now.
Give me some sugar.
Make it sweet.
Don't want me to tense
up my trigger finger.
My finger's getting tense...
I want you to say,
"You're the almighty devil,
and I want you to make me
my filthy whore. "
Come on, say it.
I know it.
I know you're
feeling it. Say it.
You're... the...
almighty... devil
and I want you...
to make me your... fucking whore.
You make me sick.
Woo-hoo!
I feel like we're all really getting
to know each other now.
All right, ladies.
Me and the boys have an errand to run.
We'll be back
in a little while.
Come on, Hoss,
move it.
Come on, shit stain!
Gotta go!
Come on!
God damn it!
Authorities struggle to
comprehend the grizzly remains found
in what is now being called the most
heinous crime in American history.
The group responsible
for these murders
is now being referred to as "The Devil's
Rejects" by the local media.
A woman known only
as "Mother Firefly"
was taken into
police custody today
after a violent
gun battle with police
that left four officers
dead and seven wounded.
I'm Derek Sanderson
bringing the world
to your doorstep.
Open the gate.
Ma'am...
my name is Sheriff
John Quincey Wydell.
Let's see
who we got here.
Miss Gloria Teasdale,
alias Eve Wilson,
alias Southern Betty Woods...
Betsy Woods.
And of course,
alias Mother Firefly.
You can read.
Congratulations.
Four counts,
grand theft auto.
Five counts,
armed robbery.
What's this?
Looks like your specialty...
17 counts, solicitation
and prostitution.
You've been one busy whore.
I bet them old farmboys love you.
Everyone loves me.
Don't you pretend...
you don't fancy me.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I find you quite irresistible.
- Dobson.
- Yes, sir.
- Put them books over there.
- Got it.
Ma'am, you recognize
these books, here?
Yeah.
Oh! Ain't she an angel?
Well, she gonna be one dead angel
when I catch up to her...
you, your whole clan,
you dead already.
You're just ghosts,
just waiting to expire.
The way I figure it,
only choice you got
is to cooperate
and tell me where they are.
That way your little
angel over there
don't have to die like no dog
in the streets when I catch her.
- Are you done trying to scare me?
- No, ma'am.
With God as my witness...
I have only just begun.
Oh... Sheriff...
can I show you something?
I'll need this book here.
I did never...
get around to putting these
in the book proper.
And I thought...
you might enjoy them.
Oh... you know...
he was a real sweetie pie.
Tall...
big moustache...
bald head...
You know,
I feel contrite
about blowing
his brains out,
'cause he seemed
like such a nice man.
I think...
he said... his name
was also Wydell.
Was he kin to you?
Listen to me,
you gonna listen to me good.
I'm going to kill every
member of your family.
I am gonna hunt them down
like animals and skin 'em alive.
They are gonna feel the pain
and suffering of every last victim.
They're gonna crawl on their hands
and knees and beg me for mercy,
but all I'm gonna
have for 'em is pain.
You're dead!
You go get 'em, Sheriff!
Go get your ghost!
Them ghosts is gonna
crawl right up
in your h-e-e-e-ead!
You found yourself into something
you ain't never getting out of!
We'll get ya!
We'll... get ya!
We'll get ya!
You're dead, Sheriff!
You're dead!
I'll see you
in fucking hell!
Hey, Hoss,
you like this song?
Do you like this song?
I don't know.
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, really?
- Which way?
- Take a right.
You like that Top 40 shit?
I thought you
were like some kinda
true-blue-balls-earnest-kill-'em
country fucker.
You're nothing but a city faggot
with a cowboy hat.
Stop here.
Okay, get out.
This way.
Follow the yellow brick road.
That's right.
Go on.
You know, Hoss,
if I'm not mistaken,
I think I can smell your wife's
pussy-stink on my gun.
Hope it doesn't rust the barrel.
Oh, man.
You know, the stress
of the day is really setting in on me.
You guys happen to know how a guy
like me could relieve some tension?
Ah, maybe... I think
your wife Wendy, boy,
looks like she could
relieve some tension.
- Mister, where we going?
- Those little titties...
we're going down
the road here.
Those little titties,
she's got a tight little ass.
Does she like it
when you puke?
Is that part of your deal?
Where you taking us?
Well, I guess, it wouldn't
do no harm to tell you none.
We're gonna go dig up some guns
I buried out here a couple years ago.
- Then what?
- Well, there ain't no "what. "
That's the end of the road.
What?
- You're not gonna kill us, are you?
- Killing sounds so permanent.
We did everything
you want, mister, just let us go.
We did what you said.
First of all,
I didn't say anything.
And second of all,
I'm calling the shots!
Consider me fucking
Willy fucking Wonka!
This is my fucking chocolate factory!
You got it?!
My factory...
Get him, Roy!
Get the gun, Roy!
Roy!
Please, mister, stop.
Please.
- Stop.
- Stop?
Bitch, I have just started.
You know, I was gonna take
it easy on you, boy,
but you brought this
down on yourself.
You had to come
all fucking-big-stick- walking-tall
like a big, fucking hero!
You got yourself to blame.
Look at you now, hero!
You're gonna fucking bleed to death.
Fuck you!
That's what they all say,
"Fuck you!"
Well, it ain't gonna save ya.
It don't scare me none
and don't make you a hero!
Wanna see what happens
to heroes, boy?
You wanna see bad-ass, motherfucker?
I'll show you bad-ass!
Roy!
Roy!
Hoss, I want you
to pray to your God.
I want you to pray that
He comes and saves you.
I want lightning to come down
and crash upon my fucking head!
- I pray... Jesus...
- Louder!
Bless the bunnies,
bless the little birds...
- I don't feel anything.
... bless the springtime morning.
I feel it!
Oh, Great God Almighty,
I repent, I repent!
I feel the love
of the God-God-God Almighty!
Oh, the Holy Spirit
is in my body!
I am the devil, and I am here
to do the devil's work.
Roy! Roy!
Roy! Roy!
You fucking motherfucker!
You fucking motherfucker!
Son of a bitch!
I've got other
plans for you... hero.
Shut the fuck up!
Can I go to the bathroom, please?
I'm about to piss myself.
Excuse me...
Can she go to
the bathroom? Please?
What?! I heard you the first time.
I was just thinking.
What are you
gonna do for me?
- What?
- Go piss yourself for all I care.
If you want special favors, you gotta
give me something in return.
What do you want?
I want you
to hit her in the face.
- What?
- I know you heard me.
Go ahead.
Go on.
Make it hurt,
no love taps.
I want to hear it.
Harder, she ain't gonna break.
You better make this
next one fucking count!
Ah!
Good, very nice.
Now you come here.
Right here.
Kneel down.
Give me a kiss and say, "Thank you,
Baby, I'm having a great time. "
Thanks, Baby,
I had a really good time.
Now make it fast, bitch!
Don't try anything cute!
Shit!
Now, what do you
want to do?
Damn it, I knew that cunt
would do something stupid.
Shut up!
Open the fucking door!
- Open the goddamn door!
- Okay! Hold it!
Somebody help me!
What are you
gonna do, shoot me?
What did I ever
really do to you?
I swear I'll do it.
I'll kill you.
Why would you
want to kill me?
I'm you're only hope,
my brother's fucking crazy.
- Please!
- Wendy, it's all right!
Come on out...
Go ahead, shoot me.
Shoot me right in the ass!
Stupid cunt!
Ain't no bullets in this thing.
It's all fucking mind power.
Somebody, help! Somebody, please!
Help! Help! Help!
Help me! Help me!
Oh, God. Help me!
- Whoa whoa, darling.
- She's crazy!
Daddy, grab that bitch!
Hey, Chief,
I think I got something.
What?
This Captain Spaulding guy,
Captain Spaulding's
a character from "Animal Crackers,"
a Marx Brothers' movie.
I'll be damned.
Think it means anything?
I don't know.
Tell you what, you get that
movie critic over here. What's his name?
- Marty Walker?
- Yeah, that's him.
Tell him to get his ass
over here as soon as he can.
Tell him to bring whatever information
he's got about the Marx Brothers,
particularly characters
Groucho played in his movies.
All right,
I'll get right on it.
This shit's just getting
weirder and weirder.
Shit, Daddy, I didn't
think you were coming.
I'm cool.
Where the fuck is Otis?
Not back from
getting the guns yet.
You wanna fuck with me?
Huh, bitch?
You ain't got what it takes.
He fucks this up,
I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.
You believe this bitch had the balls
to try and fuck with me?
Cox, nice of you to make it.
Enjoying your meal?
What? I gotta eat.
My blood sugar gets off,
I'm not gonna be any good to anybody.
Ya ain't no good
to nobody anyhow.
Listen here, that movie expert
guy's here. Wanna talk to him?
Want me
to bring him in?
All right, all right,
I'll get him right now.
Mr. Walker?
Come on in, please.
Sheriff Wydell,
it's a pleasure.
I rushed right over
as soon as I got your call.
You came to the right man.
I happen to be a self-proclaimed
Marx Brothers expert if I say so myself.
I'm sure your knowledge
of bullshit is limitless.
Why don't we get to the point?
What do you got for me?
I got a fucking
grocery list for you
of all the major Marx Brothers
characters and related characters,
and I made a secondary list of any
and all films having to do with Groucho,
including such gems as
"A Girl in Every Port," and "Skidoo,"
where Groucho played the part of God...
Directed by Otto Preminger,
who happened to be Jewish,
although he played a Nazi commandant
in "Stalag 17" directed by Billy Wilder.
Otto Preminger also
directed "Exodus,"
and it's rumored
that at the premiere
Mort Sahl stood up,
yelled at the screen,
- "Otto! Let my people go!"
- Give me the damn list.
It's ironic, don't ya think?
Nazi, State of Israel?
They're all here,
all the aliases...
"Rufus Firefly,
Otis Driftwood,
Captain Spaulding"...
all of 'em.
Hey, Chief, I'm thinking we ought to
track down this Groucho Marx guy,
ask him a few questions,
maybe he's involved.
Idiot, he died last year.
He died, didn't he?
Oh God damn it.
God damn it, see?
That right there is one sad,
pathetic state of cinematic affairs.
If you weren't a cop,
I'd wring your neck.
Hey, let's take
that down a notch.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
This sneering, rotating,
gyrating pelvis son of a bitch,
he died three days
before Groucho,
stole all
the goddamn headlines.
That goddamn, fucking
Elvis Presley.
What did you say
about The King?
He died three
days before Grouch...
You ever say another derogatory word
about Elvis Aaron Presley
in my presence again,
I will kick
the living shit out of you!
You get this Hollywood-loving
pussy out of my face.
- Elvis is in Hollywood!
- Get the hell outta here!
- His first film...
- Get out!
..."Love Me Tender,"
was based on an Irish folk song!
Fuck Groucho!
Ha!
Booga booga booga booga
booga booga booga booga!
Don't you fucking knock?
- Where the fuck you been?
- Did you get everything?
Oh, yeah, I got everything.
You, motherfucker!
Where the fuck have you been?
Hey! You got a problem
with my time-frame, son,
you best spit
it out right now.
Yeah, I got a problem.
I got a big fucking problem, bozo!
Well, make your move,
laddie, two hits.
I hit you and your dick
hits the fucking dirt.
Old man, you ain't
hitting nothing!
Hey, cut the shit, we gotta
get the fuck outta here.
What are we gonna
do with this one?
Leave her for
a maid to clean up.
I got a better idea.
We regret to inform you
that the "Banjo and Sullivan Show"
will be canceled tonight.
Fuck.
No, please!
Housekeeping.
Housekeeping!
Ay, Julio.
Jesus Christ.
What a fucking mess.
40-ton truck has
a tendency of doing that, Kenny.
Listen, you mind getting one
of your donut brigade to go over there
and scoop up some
of that skull matter?
Put it in a bag
for the meds.
Yeah, you got it.
Is that the lady
who found her?
Yeah, the maid.
That's Maria Gomez.
She say anything?
Yeah, a lot of things.
But I don't
speaka no Spanish.
It's all mumbo jumbo to me.
Shit, what am I,
the mayor of Tijuana?
Got one guy,
Clarks, he speaks Spanish,
but he called in sick
from what he calls
"explosive diarrhea. "
You mind sparing me any further details
about your deputy's asshole, Kenny?
Seorita Gomez?
- No.
- What'd I tell ya?
She's useless.
Chief, got a couple
shit-kickers over there,
says they're here
to meet you.
- Recognize those guys?
- Yeah, I know 'em.
- What's going on, shitheads?
- Sheriff.
Here's the list of names I need you
to run down for me.
That's a funny-ass name.
Look who's
fucking talking, Rondo.
Just call me
if anything connects.
I'm sure it will.
Shit always floats
our way, don't it?
Chief.
You keep your mouth open wide enough,
maybe you'd catch it all.
Don't fuck this up, assholes.
Have fun scraping all them
brains up off the road.
See ya later, Kenny.
This is bullshit. I trust that fucker
Charlie about as much as I trust you.
Where the hell you get off
talking shit about Charlie?
Hey, I know what I know,
and I know I don't like that nut sack.
Well, unless you got
a better suggestion,
I suggest you keep
your fucking pie hole shut.
That is the only
remotely safe place I know about.
Hey, man,
if anyone's interested,
I think I'm gonna be wanting
some ice cream in about 10 miles.
"Hey man, think I'm gonna be wanting
some ice cream in about 10 miles. "
Don't you fucking imitate me!
It's fucking rude!
"I know what I know
and I know I don't like that nut sack. "
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!
Two fucking seconds for the kids,
is that gonna kill you?
Yes, it is gonna kill me.
I have calculated the time
and two seconds is
the exact amount of time
that's a hazard to my fucking health!
Come on, don't be
such a fucking drag, I'm starving.
Hey, eat this.
What is your fucking problem?
I'm in and out in two seconds.
I think I'm gonna get me
tutti-fucking-fruity.
Tutti-fucking-fruity,
that sounds good.
Tutti-fucking-fruity!
- Shut up!
- Tutti-fucking-fruity!
- Shut up! Shut up!
- Tutti-fucking-fruity!
Tutti-fucking-fruity!
There is no fucking ice cream
in your fucking future.
Mm, dee-licious!
I don't know why you have to be
such a grouch. This is really good.
Here, have some.
Fuck you.
Tutti-fucking-fruity!
Hey, piggy...
Yeah, over here, come on.
Come and get it.
Yes, Mr. Wy-fucking-dell.
Piggy, come over here
and get some.
Don't fucking move, clown.
You looking for somebody?
George?
What the hell you doing
down here, George?
I live here now.
No. You got that
all wrong, George.
I mean,
this ain't your home.
I got no choice, Johnny.
This here is my fate.
I cannot rest until
this whole thing is over.
And I'm asking you,
brother...
kill 'em, John.
End this shit now.
I'm-I'm walking the line on this,
brother. I'm walking the line.
Well, Mother pin a rose on me.
That is so great.
I want these motherfuckers dead!
Kill 'em!
I'm sorry, George.
- Yeah?
- Hey, I think I found your guy.
Yeah, a friend of mine,
about 10 years ago,
he used to buy hooch
from this guy out here.
Mm-hmm.
Went by the name
of Wolf J Flywheel.
Yeah, but-but his partner
called himself "The Captain. "
Sounds like the fuckers
we're looking for, huh?
Yeah, Wolf J Flywheel.
That name's on the list.
Apparently,
now Wolf J
goes by the name
of Charlie Altamont.
All right, good.
You know what to do.
We wouldn't be talking if I didn't.
So is the shit on?
The shit is on.
Fucking A.
Open the door, Deputy.
Take the night off, Freddy.
I'll watch the prisoner.
Well well well,
working late tonight,
aren't we, Sheriff?
What's the matter?
Can't sleep?
Hell running loose in the streets?
Or did ya
just miss Mama?
As a matter of fact,
I was feeling kinda lonely.
I knew you couldn't
stay away.
I got that
power over men.
Women like me
are a rare breed.
Don't you agree?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I do.
I ain't been broken,
you know.
Men like that.
Ooh, you got me going
this afternoon.
You think you
can break me?
You like it rough?
Oh, honey, you can have it
any way you want.
I don't want it rough.
Oh!
I like it hot...
and slow.
Hot...
- and slow.
- Mmm.
- Hot... and slow.
- Mmm.
Yeah.
- You like that, Mama?
- Oh, yeah.
You like that, Mama?
I...
Yeah.
Check this place out.
Whoa.
I know that ain't Cutter walking
towards me with that stupid grin.
'Cause I know I swore
if I ever saw that dumb-cunt-
no-good-piece-of-shit-
motherfucking brother of mine,
he'd soon be a dead piece- of-shit-
no-good-motherfucking brother of mine.
Okay, everybody
in the peanut gallery,
Simon says hands up.
He said put
your fucking hands up!
What the fuck
is this shit?
You bring us all the way out here
and this prick pulls a gun on us?
- Nice fucking plan, daisy.
- Just do it!
- He's a crazy pig-fucking son...
- What'd you call me?!
Well, if you
give me a chance,
I was gonna call you a crazy-pig-
fucking-dumb-ass-pussy piece of shit.
Oh, brother,
you's a dead man.
Ain't that the most goddamn
realest water gun you ever did see?
Oh, shit!
That was great, man.
Sorry about that, it's just a little game we
used to always play on folks.
- And it still works!
- Hell, yeah.
- That's a fucking hoot.
- Johnny, this is my daughter, Baby.
- My niece?
- Yes!
You all grown up.
Give me some love!
And you remember
happy boy here.
Are you still an asshole?
This is Casey,
my most limber lady.
And this is Candy,
my special lady
and my... top-earning gal.
What you looking at?
- I'm looking at you, mama.
- You see something you like?
Maybe. I set my standards low
so I'm never disappointed.
Oh, well,
I don't disappoint.
Ooh...
Fuck, let's go inside.
No sense standing
around like...
stone-foot roosters
in a fuck farm!
- Let's celebrate.
- Oh, yeah.
You know,
I gotta tell ya,
that is some catch-phrase
you got there.
"Devil's Rejects. "
You got something
to say to me, clown?
Huh?
I bet you scare
lots of folks, don't ya?
Yeah, you're a regular,
fucking killer.
You want a piece of this, motherfucker?
You want a piece of this?!
Huh? What you got?!
What you got?!
Lord, I am
Your arm of justice.
Lord, I am Your
arm of justice.
Lord...
I am Your arm of justice,
Your righteous sword
of vengeance.
Let my blows be true.
Oh, yeah,
Lord have mercy!
What a morning.
- Clevon!
- Yeah, boss.
You know why I come here
to get these chickens?
No, boss.
'Cause my brother makes
the best fried chicken in the world.
Is that right?
Good morning, good morning, sir!
How are you?
How y'all doing?
Good morning.
Good good good.
What ya got for me?
We got these real cute
barred rock chickens here.
- Yeah, I see it.
- Got them nice, long-legged...
- Rhode Island red chickens.
- Rhode Island red!
- Yeah.
- Oh, I like them!
I want a Rhode Island red
for me, all right?
- Two of 'em. Yeah.
- Rhode Island red, two?
Now, y'all ain't planning on fucking
these chickens, are you?
What the fuck are
you getting at?
Do you fuck chickens?
Well, I have thought
about fucking some chickens before.
If you want to have a good time
and you need some pussy,
you can cut
that chicken's head off
and stick your dick
in that ass of that chicken,
and that damn chicken'll go crazy
on your ass and go...
Are you saying that I would cut off
a chicken's head, put my dick in it,
fuck it
and go "Aaahhh"?
You accusing me of fucking
a chicken, motherfucker?
No, I ain't call you
a chicken fucker, but...
boy over there looks
sexually frustrated and...
I don't approve
of chicken fucking.
- You hear what he called me, boss?
- My mistake.
He called me
a fucking chicken fucker!
Go back and grab
the fucking chickens, Clevon.
- Here's five.
- Appreciate it, thank y'all.
He's a chicken fucker!
That's all right,
put it back there.
Next time, we go
someplace else.
We ain't never buying
chickens from him again, boss!
I know, I know.
You inbred! Inbred!
Wolf J Flywheel?
Get your motherfucking
pimp ass over here now.
Who are you talking about, man?
Who you talking to?
What's going on, Sheriff?
What'd we do?
What's going on, baby?
You and me,
we're gonna have a little powwow
about a certain Captain Spaulding
and his merry band
of assholes.
- Captain who?
- You know what I'm talking about,
am I correct?
Hey, Sheriff...
not in the middle of the street.
Ain't no sense
in getting crazy out here.
I don't like no motherfuckers
playing dumb with me.
Now, let me tell you
the way it's gonna go down.
You're gonna make sure
all three of them dirtbags
are present and accounted
for tonight at midnight. You got me?
You understand me?
Charlie! You got me?
What if I say no?
Then I ought to shoot your ass
right fucking here and now,
you and that other
ugly motherfucker.
And I'm gonna forget this
conversation ever happened.
Tonight, midnight.
It's a bad day to fuck
with me, Charlie boy.
Hey, we got you this far. Shit.
Without us, you'd still be swimming
around with your head up your ass.
Hey, Chief, don't sweat it.
Have a beer.
It's all going to work out
to your satisfaction.
If I were you, I'd put the beer down
and keep your mind on business
before business jumps up
and bites you right in the ass.
Don't worry
about me, boss.
They'll think goddamn King Kong
came down from Skull Island
and raped them
a new fucking asshole.
Hey, man, don't give me
none of that cocky-ass-
yard-bird-pumping-iron-I'm-the-baddest-
motherfucker-that-ever-lived horseshit.
That might work on some Johnny
Redneck bail jumper,
but that don't
mean shit to me.
Then I suggest
you pick up the bat phone
and call some
new motherfuckers in.
Dime a dozen, man.
Fuck you.
- Fuck me?
- Yeah.
Fuck you, motherfucker!
Hey, hold it, hold it!
We gotta cool our shit, here!
Look, you hired the unholy two because
you wanted the best money could buy.
Now, you got nothing
to worry about.
We're gonna
get the job done.
Might talk a lot of shit,
but we will get the job done.
Here's the deal.
I don't give a good God damn
what condition they're in.
I just want 'em alive so I can piss
in their face before they die.
You are one sick
fucking pirate.
Hey, Billy Ray,
your mama's on the phone.
She owes me 14 bucks!
Get down here.
- Better keep a rope on that asshole.
- Yeah, I know.
Now look, G,
let me explain something to you.
You've been using a bazooka
to exterminate three little roaches.
Now when you hunt roaches,
you don't blow up your house.
You send in an exterminator
so he can...
he crawls like a roach;
He thinks like a roach;
He has a little roach mind...
Hey... you be careful
or maybe you get
stepped on like a roach.
I'm gonna tell you
something, brother,
you have got it made.
Please, man, don't be
fooled by the glamour.
I got trouble.
Don't get me started.
Trouble. What kinda
trouble you got?
Man, you got hot and cold
running pussy on tap!
Man, dealing with these
greedy bitches
ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Brother, brother...
Go ahead.
Pick it up, pick it up.
Take a hit on this.
Man, I got the best, mmm.
Take one for me too, man.
Hey, listen, you got a nose
like a vacuum cleaner.
Don't do up all my cocaine.
Brother, would I
do that to you?
No, you my brother...
- See?
... and I love you.
- All right.
- All right, baby.
But I love my cocaine better.
Fuck you.
Oh, man, that's some
cold shit right there.
Well, any port
in a fucking storm.
Mmm.
Charlie, brother,
my brother...
I've been looking
for you, clown.
Ooh.
You gonna start the killing,
you best start it right here.
Make sure
I'm all the way dead,
or I will come back
and make you my bitch.
Bitch that, motherfucker.
Get up, bitch!
Stop it! Stop it, motherfucker!
- Oh! Fuck! Oh!
- Get these scumbags in that truck.
It wasn't personal, brother.
Business is business, baby!
You asshole!
She's right, Charlie.
You are an asshole.
Why don't you get on
your fucking horse and ride?
All right, let's get
this freak show on the road.
What the fuck are you doing there?
Get the fuck up!
You know, I got
to thank you all...
for helping me to understand
what my heritage is.
You see, the Wydells,
they've always been vigilante justice.
Now, my granddaddy,
he rode with the likes of Tom Horn,
killing scum like
you for a living.
We've always
been devil slayers.
Wake up!
See I tried to walk the line,
but now I realize
there is no line.
We here, we are playing
on a level that most will never see.
I know my brother George,
he didn't see it.
Maybe he had a divine moment
when his brains
hit the floor.
Yeah, well, maybe you will too.
I got over here
some photographs
of every missing person
within 100 miles of this shithole.
Valerie Green.
Take a look at that.
She was beautiful, huh?
Hell, anybody'd fuck her.
This is what she looked like
when we pulled her out
of your little
fucking torture shack.
She ain't so fuckable
anymore, huh?
Oh, yes, she is.
I cut her tongue out
and tied her to my bed for a month.
Busted that bitch wide open.
Well, then you get
to have this as a souvenir.
What about
Mary Knowles, anybody?
That fucking bitch is mine.
No no, she was mine.
I did her, come on. Bring it onto me.
- Nah, she's all mine.
- Baby, shut the fuck up!
Baby, you want her,
you got her.
Fuck, fuck!
Come and get me,
motherfucker!
Motherfucker!
You see this picture?
That's my brother George.
Old George,
he was a good man.
Very trusting.
I'm sure that's
what got him killed.
Anyway, y'all take
a good look at that.
Because that's the reason
you gonna die tonight.
Yeah, I remember.
Stupid fuck just like you.
Come at me like
some kinda matinee
fucking cowboy idol.
All I had to do was point him
in a direction and there he goes,
Officer Wy-fucking-Dell
to the rescue.
Daddy!
And I hate fucking clowns.
Yeah, you couldn't
do all this by yourself!
I slayed me a devil
just the other day.
What you think? Huh?
See any you like?
You liar.
Those photos ain't real.
There's no way
you killed Mama.
No, Baby, they're real.
Take a look at her right there.
Take a look at her eyes the way
they are like that. She's dead.
You know what I did?
I took my knife and I stuck
it in there real good.
And I kinda twisted it
a little bit.
Kinda like fucked her
with it, you know?
Let me tell you,
that old whore came
before I fucking took
her miserable life.
You motherfucker.
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You gonna kill me?
You're gonna
fucking kill me?
- Get off me, fucker!
- You take a good look at that, bitch.
Take a good, fucking look.
You were her little angel,
her little angel.
That's why I got something
special in mind for you.
Yeah? Well I can't fucking wait.
If you want it, here it is.
Come and get it. Come on!
From delusion, lead me to truth.
From darkness, lead me to light.
From death, lead me to eternal life.
Hallelujah!
Are you feeling it, brother?
It's time to end this little charade.
Look, you're free.
Run.
I said fucking run!
Burn well, motherfuckers.
Come and get it!
I can hear you, Baby girl!
I can hear you!
I got something here for ya!
What's that I smell?
It smells like rabbit!
It's me, Charlie, calm down.
How could you do this?
You ruined everything!
Calm down, Baby!
This is not the time.
- Gotta get you outta here.
- Daddy and Otis are in the house...
I'll get them, but first we gotta
get you someplace safe.
Now, come on.
Cutter! Cutter, wake up!
Cutter, wake up!
Cutter! Wake the fuck up!
Wake the fuck up!
- Wait in the car and I'll go get them.
- I want to go!
Oh, just get in! Go on.
Stay put.
Charlie!
Run, Baby girl, run.
Run!
Run! Run!
Run run run!
Lord, I bet that hurts.
Man, I could hear
that bone shatter from right here.
What the hell we got here?
Hey, looky here,
I got something for you.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, I got
something for ya.
Hey, get up!
Come on, I said get up!
- Fuck you.
- I don't know about you,
but I sure wish I had
a bullwhip for this occasion,
but I found this.
I reckon it'll do.
You like that?
You like the feeling of being helpless?
At the mercy of someone
who's as sadistic and deranged as you?!
Not such a fucking party, is it?
Doesn't make it you feel proud?
- Fuck you!
- Fuck me? Oh, no.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Tiny.
Daddy and Otis are
still in the house. Go get 'em.
The nails!
The nails!
Tiny! Tiny!
Come on, man!
Daddy!
Baby? Baby!
You're okay!
Yes.
Ow! Oh!
You sure about this?
We'll come back
for you.