1
- Fuck!
The gate.
Oh, fuck, we're cornered.
Get in the fuckin' truck.
- Right, boys.
I think this is it!
- What do you mean, this is it?
How the fuck did this happen?
- Sergeant Spitter.
- What's up, Darcy?
I'm just confirming our deal.
You ready?
- Yeah, we're set for
this shit to go down.
- All right, I'll
text ya my guy's number.
Contact him in two days.
- Yup, got it.
- Oh, shit.
Who the fuck?
Hello?
- What's up, Outlaw?
- What's crackin', Darcy?
How's everything goin'
over there in commiefornia.
- Oh yeah, we're good over here,
buddy.
- Hey, you don't mind,
like to eat tonight.
- You just ate an entire bag of
Doritos.
- So, I'm on a diet.
It's called the fuck you and
feed me diet.
I've already gained 20 pounds.
- Everything all right over
there?
- Yeah.
Everything's good over here man,
just,
trying to get some huntin'
in before the season closes.
Gotta feed fat boy somehow.
- Yeah, I gotta deal for us, big
money.
I'm gonna need you down at
the shop tomorrow, two p.m.
You down?
- No shit?
All right, yeah, I'll be there.
- Roger.
I'll see ya then.
- You gonna try and tell me
there's no such thing as a fifth
meal?
You made up some major problems.
- There is no such thing as a
fifth meal.
Literally fat people make it a
thing
so they had an excuse to
overeat.
- Son of a dick!
- Hey now.
- Bag on that fool, dude.
- T-bag him, dude, T-bag him.
- Spent.
Oh, hold on.
Yo, what up, Darcy?
Is there a reason your
beautiful face is callin' us
while we're hard at work?
- Yo, Darcy, where you at, man?
Come over.
We're getting high as fuck.
- Baby.
- I have more important
shit to do
than play games and get high all
day
like you two fuckin' life
wasters.
- Hey, it's a great career
choice, bro.
- Tits, money.
- Listen, fucksticks.
I need you both to get off your
asses
and come to the shop tomorrow,
two p.m.
- Yeah, for sure dude, is
everything okay?
- Everything is fine.
I just talked to Outlaw.
He'll be there, too.
- Oh, shit, sick dude.
- Cool, dude.
We'll see ya tomorrow.
- Big money.
Hey, hey!
- Hey, what's up guys?
- What are you doin',
dude?
- I ain't seen y'all in a while.
- How you doin' man?
- So, you guys know what's goin'
on?
- Ah, once he get off
this conference call,
find out pretty quick.
- Yeah.
- Better hurry the fuck up,
dude.
I'm hungry.
- 'Course he is.
- By the way, how's huntin'
Bambi goin', asshole?
You're a real dirty human
being, you know that?
- What the fuck is wrong with
you, Jesse?
You take your medication today?
- Hey, my medication is my
daily dose of cholesterol.
I need to eat.
- Hey, this is gonna be
the shit, whatever it is.
- Hey guys.
How you doin'.
- Hey, what's up?
- Darcy just got off the phone,
and he's ready for you now.
- Okay.
- Have fun on your trip.
- Trip?
- What kinda trip?
- Trip?
Darco!
- Hey!
- Hey, man!
- What's up, boys?
- How's it goin', dude?
'Sup, dude?
What's goin' on, man?
- 'Sup, man?
- How you doin'?
- How was your flight?
Run into any weirdos beside
Jesse?
- It was all right, man.
So, tell us.
What's up with this deal you
got?
- Well, I think this
is our big break, boys.
I been in contact with
some big league guys
about a huge shipment of
tobacco.
Talking potentially millions
every year.
Sell that shit on our website.
- So, these guys,
who do they distribute for?
- Well, they didn't give me any
names,
which is fine by me,
especially for 150,000
cans of dip for only 100K.
- Dude!
That's like, 70 cents a can.
That's a shit ton of dip.
- Order it now, next delivery
that shit.
They got drones now.
- It close enough for us
to check it out today?
'Cause I wanna flog that shit.
- Well, that's the thing.
The dealer's in Kentucky and he
definitely
won't ship it to us, least
not the first time around.
So, we'll have to drive
across the country,
pick that shit up.
Pretty simple plan, if you ask
me.
Besides, what's the worse that
can happen?
- Why do in the hell do we have
to drive across the country?
- Yeah, why don't we just rent a
truck?
Maybe a big yellow one.
- Well, I can't get a
driver 'til next week
and this deal needs to go
down in the next four days.
Second of all, you guys are my
boys.
Lastly, I think we need
to disconnect ourselves
from the negative bullshit goin'
on in this world right now.
Plus, little R and R won't be so
bad.
- What are we rolling in?
The truck?
- Nope, we're goin' in
that thing out there.
- What?
Oh my God, dude.
You can't be serious.
That was a hobo's outhouse.
At least tell me it's stocked
with snacks.
- No snacks.
- Where the fuck did
you even get that thing?
- Hey man, don't bag
on it 'til you ride it.
That thing runs like a champ.
- So, you're tellin' me
we gotta pack our shit up,
leave everything behind,
drive halfway across the country
to some dude who doesn't even
like names
and then pick up 150,000 cans
of dip to sell for profit?
- And, no snacks.
- And no snacks.
I'm with it.
- I'm down.
- Oh damn, road trip?
- Let go of your cocks,
pack your socks, boys.
We're goin' on a dip run.
Flyin' down a backroad
feelin' like a renegade
Hee renegade uh woo
Can't stop won't stop 'til I
get paid
'T-t-til I, 'til I get paid
Flyin' down a backroad
better get me water mode
Gimme water mode
Backwoods paid while
these yuppies in the shade
Damn it feels good to be a
Renegade
Long horse in the house
mothertrucker
Don't need nobody
else except your girl
I'll make her pucker
Everybody's on my back
and copyin' my rebel ways
Brush 'em off like fire ants
Continue driftin' state to
state
Oh you can't relate, well
take this bait and wait
Sit up at the lake and fish
While I teach you 'bout these
traits
Gonna blaze my own trail
I might end up in jail
Least I will be happy while
these stubbies stayin' stale
I'm lookin' in the
rearview at a lost cause
Get your shit together and
always strive for the applause
You see I am a drifter,
government resistor
Walk these dusty roads and
hear that southern wind whisper
Don't you see mister
my feet got blisters
I'm doin' it my own way,
don't need no babysitter
This my way of life,
when I get 'em paid
Put it on my tombstone
here lies a renegade
Flyin' down a backroad
feelin' like a renegade
Renegade
Can't stop won't stop 'til I
get paid
'T-t-til I, 'til I get paid
Flyin' down a backroad
better get me water mode
Gimme water mode
Backwoods paid while
these yuppies in the shade
Damn it feels good to be a
renegade
- God.
This is boring.
Where in the fuck did we get hot
dogs?
- Man, how long do we have 'til
Kentucky?
- GPS says we got a couple days,
bitches.
Suggest you try meditating.
- And why can't we turn on the
radio?
- Maybe we should just take this
time
to appreciate each other's
company?
- 'Preciate this, dick.
- Hey, I know what we can do.
We got a whole case of 90 proof
American made bourbon, baby.
- Holy shit, dude.
Is that America Barrels bourbon?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Last time I drank this, I
felt like George Washington
flying a bald eagle over Mt.
Rushmore
waving at myself.
And no hangover, either.
- Hmm.
- Well, saddle up, cowboy.
Let's drink.
- Let's do it!
- Ah, shit boys.
Check it out.
Gonna have to take a detour.
- Oh, hell ya, dude.
But wait, don't we gotta
go to Kentucky first?
Why not just hit it up on the
way back?
- Chris, we gotta hit up
the Culche Club, dude.
- Damn, you're right.
- What's the Culche Club?
- What?
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
- God bless America.
- Hey, boys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You like what you see?
Yes.
- Hey guys, what can I get y'all
to drink?
- A round of beers'll
do.
- 14.
- Guys,
put your hands together
for the lovely Skittles.
Skittles is comin' back for two
more
hurricane daring songs.
Right there on that center
stage.
Hey, hey, hey.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to the world-famous Culche Club.
I'm your host, D.J. MGP
on the ones and twos
tonight baby girls, so take a
seat,
grab a drink and get
ready to see some hot ass.
- Oh, what the fuck?
- You want, you wanna,
feel me up?
- Hell, no!
You are not getting the drop on
me!
Hey!
They got dicks!
- What the fuck are you talking
about?
- The dancers!
- What the fuck?
- What the dick?
Where the fuck did you guys take
me?
- Okay, relax.
Let's just calmly leave this
place, now.
- You boys ready to have some
fun?
- No, I think we're gonna call
it a night.
- You guys ain't goin' nowhere.
- We know you got some money.
You ain't leavin' 'til you spend
it on us.
And guess what?
I'm pitchin'.
- But I don't play baseball.
- Hey, fuck you.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Get him off me, get him off me!
- Guys come on, there's
a back door back here.
- Ooh, did I just hear
someone say back door?
- Yes, I did.
- Go go go!
- Man, we just had crazy night.
Check this out.
Jesse got tranny piss all over
him.
Chris got cock slapped and Darcy
well, you know how Darcy is.
- Hey, tell 'em what you were
into
before all that happened.
- Well, uh,
hey, crazy shit's going down,
so,
we're gonna pack it in for the
night,
but catch ya on the next
venture.
What the hell just happened?
Jesse, you said the place was
legit.
- Culche's never like that,
man, but it is 2018 now.
- Dude, I never said shit.
I went and took a piss and damn
near
got raped by a tranny.
- Hello?
Hey, what's up?
Roger that.
I'll see ya in about an hour.
- Dude, when I saw that dick
shadow,
I was trying not to stare,
unlike Darcy.
- Fuck you!
So, I just got word of
some fast cash, boys.
There's an underground
poker game happening
in about an hour.
We're going.
- What the hell?
After all this shit went down,
you wanna go to an underground
poker game?
- I ain't doin' shit.
- I'm with them, dude.
I ain't doin' shit.
- So, there's no way to
talk you into it, huh boys?
- Nope.
- Nothin'.
- Well, I guess I'm gonna have
to enjoy those free drinks
served up by beautiful
women all by myself.
All right, try and act
normal in this place.
I hear these guys are some
serious dudes.
- Hey, you focus on making
money.
We'll focus on bein' normal.
- Fuck normal, this is Vegas.
Let's just pretend that we're
gambling
and they'll keep giving us free
drinks.
- Oh, let's get
hammered.
- Hey, Darcy.
Good to see you again.
You ready?
- Yeah, I'm good, Cal.
We're all kinda countin' on
this.
There's a deal I'm into.
Boys don't know, but I'm short
about 50K.
- Relax.
You got my money?
Nice.
You're all set.
Wait 'til around two a.m.
That's usually the time these
high-rollers
wanna go home, they'll go all
in.
You're playin' with a whale
tonight.
He hates to fold, like last
time.
Gimme the sign and I'll
create a distraction,
switch out them cards
on the table real quick,
they'll be a couple of
aces waitin' for ya.
- Roger that.
- All right.
Go get 'em boy.
- Hundreds.
Five hundreds.
Thousands.
- You win some, you lose some.
- You might wanna fold on this
one, buddy.
- I'm committed
and if that was your
play to get me to fold
by throwing all that money,
well, guess what?
- Go all in, I'm tired.
- Do not go all in.
- Oh, just go all in, pussy.
- I'll call.
And since you're so committed,
how 'bout another 30K?
I'm all in.
It's okay, you can fold.
You win some, you lose some.
- If you only knew.
I'm all in.
- Did he just sink 30K?
- That our fuckin' dip
deal money, asshole?
- Don't worry boys, this
guy don't have shit.
Fuck!
What the fuck, asshole?
- Well, this is one for
you to go all in on,
but not for you to win on.
- You fucked us!
- Go home, kid.
- Welcome to Vegas, boys.
Hope to see ya back real soon.
- Wait, wait, wait.
We need that money.
- It's time for you boys
to go.
- What the hell just happened?
Was that our damn dip deal
money?
Fuckin' answer the
question, mother fucker.
- Who the fuck do you
think you're talkin' to?
You fucks told me to go all in.
- We didn't know it was gonna
be the money from the deal.
We thought it was just a
friendly game, asshole.
- All right, shit.
Calm the hell down.
Let's just go grab a beer
somewhere.
I can fix this.
- We just lost 100K.
How are you going to fix this?
- I can fix this.
- Yeah, I'll have another.
Hey guys, checkin' in.
Oh, we got some problems with
this deal,
and I reckon this dude's
handlin' it.
- Not now.
- I guess it's just us guys.
We're sittin' at the bar
havin' a couple brews.
'Bout to head home, 'cause
this journey's about over,
so I reckon catch ya on the next
one.
Holler.
What the hell are we gonna do?
- I don't know, man.
Hopefully, this dumbass'll
figure somethin' out.
Soon.
- I hope so.
'Cause losing out on this deal
is losing out on a lot more than
100K.
- So, Vegas got the best of ya,
huh?
I'm sorry, I couldn't help but
overhear
that you guys lost some money.
Ah, happens to the best of us.
It happens to everybody at least
once in a lifetime, right?
For some others, more
frequently.
- Yeah, more frequently
would be our dumbasses.
- Let me guess, you lost some
money
at a high stakes after-hours
place down the street
called the Golden Hole.
- Wait, what did you just say?
Who the fuck are you?
- Yeah, who the hell are you?
You can't just be imposing on
peoples'
misfortunes like that, bitch.
- If you're with a casino, we
got nothin' to give you, man.
We lost everything.
- Talkin' 'bout the 100 grand.
I'm not interested in your
money.
- How the fuck did you know
about that?
- 'Cause it's been the
same hustle for years.
They lure you in, they take
their money,
they spit ya out.
But um,
if you're interested, I may know
of a way
to help you guys get your money
back.
- Why the fuck would we
trust a douche bag at a bar
to get our money back?
- Well, because like you, I also
believe
in the American dream, Darcy.
- How the fuck did you know my
name?
- I know a lot of things and one
of them
is how to get your money back.
- All right, random man
who knows everyone's names.
How the hell do we get our money
back
and what the fuck do you want in
return?
'Cause I believe in the American
dream
and eagles and shit, but why the
fuck
are you helping us, again?
'Cause even though I'm
drunk, I can still smell
shit a mile away.
- And he's good at smellin'
shit.
But I agree.
- This smells funny to me.
I think we need to pack our shit
up
and go the fuck home.
- Wait, wait.
Let's just hear this guy out for
a second.
- Well if you are interested
in hearing me out,
why don't we find some place
a little more private to talk,
huh?
All right.
So I've been planning this for a
while.
I've just been looking
for a crew to help me out
and I've been watching you guys
all night
at the casino, and I think
you might be the right team
for the job.
But we're gonna have to move
fast
before they move the cash.
- All right, you got our
attention.
- Ah shit.
- Hey, enough crosstalk, okay?
Now as I was saying,
these guys have been at it
for a long time now.
And they actually recently
took me for about 250 grand
so needless to say, I'm
eager to get back at them.
- 250 freaking grand?
You have a problem?
I lose 20 dollars and I'm out.
- Pipe down, John Candy.
Now I know you guys are just
average Joes
but if you're able to
follow simple instructions
you should be just fine.
You just gotta know your
rights from your lefts.
Hey, put down the fucking
Instabook!
Your fans aren't gonna be
able to help you out there.
Guys, you're gonna run into
some serious shit out there,
some gangster type characters,
automatic weapons and whatnot.
So it would behoove you to pay
attention.
- Automatic weapons, what the
hell?
I can't believe we're
listening to this bullshit!
We have nothing.
- Yeah, he's right.
- Well the way I look at it is,
what have you got to lose, huh?
And I have the perfect route,
okay?
I know this place like
the back of my hand.
There's gonna be some
guys here, here and here.
But if you keep on a steady
path,
about a half hour to an hour,
everything's gonna loosen up
for you guys and you'll
have a steady track
nice and clear all the
way to Grand Central.
- That's a lot of fucking
firepower.
How are we supposed to get
through that.
And what the hell is Grand
Central?
- It's where your money is.
Just keep the questions
until the end, okay?
Let me just tell you the plan
first.
I'm gonna drop you guys off
right here
at the south end of the
warehouse.
Now once you guys get into
position
at the employees only door,
you're gonna be on your own from
there.
- How do we know which one
is the employees only door?
- It'll say employees only,
dumbass.
- Oh, gotcha.
- Outlaw, here's the keycode
to the security door.
Now inside, you're gonna
use this aerosol device
to reveal the security lasers.
You fail at that, the
place is gonna light up
like Rockefeller Center, all
right?
Now once you disable that
sensor, you guys are clear
to open the door.
Now I'll be watching you guys
over here.
Now once you're in the
clear, you're gonna be able
to make your move.
You're gonna need to file down
the hallway
and you're gonna need to do it
quick.
Remember, 30 minutes to an hour
is all the time you've got,
so you don't have a lot of play
room here.
So you're gonna move fast and
quick,
but most of all, quiet.
Got it?
You guys following so far?
All right.
- Go.
- No men left on
base
after eight more steals.
- I hate being fat.
Sorry, sorry.
Oh.
Oh shit!
I pissed!
- Hey dude, you just pissed your
pants?
- What the fuck, Jessie?
- Stop.
Stop!
- Fucking smells like fucking
lead!
- You shut the fuck up, piss
boy.
Take your fucking shoes off or
something.
Hurry up dude, hurry up.
- Shh, are you ready?
Okay.
- Fucking asshole.
Oh my god.
- On my fucking fingers, dude.
- Sorry man.
- Shut the fuck up!
You're gonna get us fucking
killed!
- Fuck you, asswad.
My pants are soaked with piss
and I'm chafing.
- Guys.
Guys!
Dumbasses!
- Piss in my--
- Shit.
- What the hell are you guys
doing?
Who let you fucknuts in here?
- We're gonna get to the bottom
of it.
Don't fucking move.
Johnny, come here.
- Shit what happened?
- Holy shit, what the fuck dude?
I thought you were gonna
take care of these guys.
- I did, didn't I?
- So you used us as a
distraction?
- Yeah, sorry about that.
I had to figure out their weight
for the tranq darts.
I didn't wanna kill them.
So let's go inside, see what we
got.
- Dammit.
Fucking dick.
- Okay, here we go.
I believe this is yours.
Go ahead and put it in a nice
little suitcase here for you.
And you guys will be on your
merry way.
There you go.
- Well shit, man.
It's definitely a fucking
challenge.
- What happened to your shoes?
- Peabody here pissed his pants.
- All right, all right.
Why don't you guys get
the hell out of here
and I'll take care of the
other guys, all right?
- Thanks, man.
Here's my card.
Hit me up sometime.
Maybe we can repay you for
helping us out.
- Well it's my pleasure, believe
me
and I'm sure our paths will
cross again
in a future day, you know.
The universe is mysterious and
all that.
- Thanks again, man.
- Sure.
- I didn't catch your name.
- Susan.
No names, get the fuck out of
here!
Face reality, so I
just reminiscence about
The good times, yeah
I'm sitting, countin' marys in
a motel
- You know, at the end,
when we were on our fucking
knees,
I thought we were done for,
boys.
- That was some serious shit,
dude.
Craziest thing I've ever done in
my life.
I never felt that close
to death before today.
- I've never smelled piss that
bad before.
- Oh yeah?
How's them fingers doing, bitch?
- Fuck you.
Are we gonna start drinking or
what?
Hand me the bottle!
- Let's get the hell out of
dodge first.
- Shit, that ain't stopping me.
- Well that's great for you.
I still got to drive this bitch.
- Hey, you guys want
to do something crazy?
- Shit dude, we just did.
- Why don't we pick up a
hitchhiker to drive the RV for us
so we could party?
- What?
- I don't know about that.
You really wanna trust a
stranger?
- Come on guys, we're on a
once in a lifetime dip run
and we're already a little
bit behind schedule.
- Well, this thing is pretty
easy to drive
and it would be a good
idea to have a driver.
Screw it, let's find someone.
Keep your eyes peeled.
- Won't be long on this road.
I've already seen a few.
Oh, hold on, wait.
Right here, there's a dude.
Man I told you guys, there's
hitchhikers everywhere!
- What's up, guys?
It's your boy Big Rob here.
Thanks for stopping,
I've been on this road
for two days looking for someone
to pick my fat ass up.
- Where are you headed, Big Wob?
- I heard Hawaii's a great place
to rock
from time to time.
- Wait a minute.
You're hitchhiking to Hawaii,
Big Rob?
- Yeah, my coworkers told
me keep walking on this road
and I can't miss it.
- First of all, Hawaii
is a fucking island.
Second of all, your
coworkers don't like you.
And thirdly, get the fuck out of
my RV!
- Fuck you guys, and I find
other bitches
who'll schnob on my knob.
- Holy shit, you see
the udders on that guy?
Man, fuck him, we'll
find another hitchhiker
down the road, keep driving.
- What a weirdo, walking to
Hawaii?
Inbreeding is dangerous.
- I heard that.
You guys hear that voice?
Schnob on my nob.
- Oh shit, wait, here
we go.
Here we go.
- Hold on bitches, I'm pulling
over.
- Hey what's up, girl, need a
ride?
- Fuck!
Yeah, I've been waiting for
a ride, all, shit buff, day!
I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.
- You all right, you want some
water?
- Yeah, I just have Tourette's.
It's only bad when I'm nervous.
- This should be entertaining.
- No, this could work,
and I'm getting tired.
Besides, what's the
worst that could happen?
- Well, get in, woman.
The only thing is you gotta
drive.
And I didn't catch your name.
- Yeah, I'll drive.
I'm just happy to be off the
streets!
My name's Erica.
- All right then, Erica.
Get in the driver's seat.
I'll teach you all the
mechanics.
Super easy, just drive nice and
steady.
- Is it okay if I use the
little girl's room first?
I'm just gonna
bust!
- Yeah, sure.
- All right, thank you.
- The fuck?
- Are you ready, boys?
- Okay, I'll sleep up here.
- Smegma!
Smegma!
Smegma!
Titty!
Shit!
Titty bang bang.
Shit, titty titty titty.
Tit tit.
Pee in my butt!
Cumdumpster.
Cock, cock.
Cuck, cuck, cuck.
Cuck Trudeau.
Rape, rape, rape.
Rape, rape, rape,
rape, rape, rape,
rape this bitch, rape!
- What the fuck?
Goddamn it, pull the fuck over
right now!
- What the hell happened?
- What's going on here, man?
- I'm okay you, guys.
I'm fine, I just need balls in
my ass!
- You gotta go.
Here, take this Cannadips.
It'll calm you down.
Now get the fuck out!
- I'm really sorry, guys.
I hope you have a great, rape,
trip!
Trip, rape trip.
- What was that all about?
- What the hell was
that?
- My kind of girl, bro.
- I think I'm in love.
Welcome to the mothertruckin'
woods
- Well, we'll be right back.
Wanna get some food, you want
anything?
- No man I good.
I got this Redcon1 protein
shake.
And hurry, we're leaving
after I make this phone call.
Four wheel drive and good
times
Welcome to the mothertruckin'
woods
- Hello?
- Hello, is this Cyrus?
- Yes it is, who's this?
- Cyrus, this is Darcy.
I was given your number and was
told
that you'd be expecting
a call from me today?
- Oh shit,
Darcy, yeah that's right.
- So what's the plan?
- Well shit, sorry to
say this,
but the deal needs to be pushed
back.
- No problem.
We got other shit we can do out
here.
Where we meeting and what time?
- Okay we will
be meeting in three days.
Friday at eight p.m.
26566 Joseph Avenue in Lilo,
Kentucky.
Don't be late.
- That won't happen.
We'll see you Friday.
The fuck is this?
- We found him outside.
He needs a ride.
- No shit, really?
- He needs a ride, Darcy.
- Where you headed?
- I'm going wherever
that road might take me.
- Can you drive?
- As a matter of fact, yeah I
can.
I was the only soldier in my
unit
in the global war on terrorism
to take that deuce and a half
across some sands of Iraq.
- You're hired.
- Okay.
- So it's Dave, right?
What kind of work you into?
- I do a little bit of this
and a little bit of that.
I'm kind of a living legend
from my time spent back in the
military.
- Oh yeah?
How's that?
- When I was overseas fighting
the global war on terrorism
pinned down an entire platoon of
Taliban
till took a stray round the
nads,
blew one of them clean off.
- Ooh.
- I'm good now.
Platoon mates nickname
me, Lance Small Armstrong.
Unfortunately kind of cut my
career short.
- Well, it's good to
know you were serving up
our country with a beating
on them sons of bitches.
But uh, I must ask.
Why is your hand in your pants?
- Oh this thing?
My therapist she says it's for
PTSD
but I just think it's 'cause
I'm a horny son of a bitch
but for me I just do it
because it helps me deal with
them bombs
going off all around me you
know?
- Well it looks like you got
some bombs
going off in your pants.
Just as long as you don't
have a rape episode,
you keep it in your pants, we're
good.
- You ain't got to worry about
it, Cletus.
You don't even know it's here
and you won't even see it
coming.
Kind of like that platoon of
Taliban.
They didn't even know
before I drop lug 556
on their foreheads.
- Hey, thanks again for driving,
man.
Darcy needs some sleep
and you are crucial to
us getting there on time.
I'm Jessie by the way.
- I'm Dave, what's going on?
- You nervous, man?
Why are your hands so clammy?
Anyways, those guys sleeping
back there,
that's Darcy, that's Chris.
Again, you are really saving our
asses
by driving, man, big time.
- Yeah, you are.
We're stopping at a couple
locations.
Here's our first one.
- You sure you don't wanna get
some sleep?
Won't you wanna get that?
- Yeah, sounds good, man.
Thank you.
- Oh god.
- Well shit boys, this trip has
completely
turned around, don't you think?
- Damn right, starting to
feel like a road trip now.
So what are we doing tomorrow?
- Think we're heading to
the rattlesnake museum.
But first we gotta get some
spicy ass food in the morning,
get rid of this hangover.
- Why does everyday
got to be about eating?
I don't care what we do
as long as you don't
throw up in the sink again
like a little bitch.
- I'm a pro at throwing up in
sinks.
But those days are over.
- Chris, you all right?
Good?
Chris, you all right?
Dude, I think he's choking.
- Everybody get back!
I got this.
Save many a life in my day.
Spit it out, baby boy.
Spit it out, come on.
- Oh!
- Ew, Dave, is that your jerkoff
hand?
- Maybe.
- Hey, you're choking on a
little bit more
than just chips now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Don't throw up in the sink.
- All right, going back to bed.
Try not to choke.
- Yeah, don't worry, we won't.
Just keep your hand in your
pants.
Fucking weirdo.
- What's up with that guy?
- Well he's got a little
problem that he got
from the war on terror.
- What kind of problem is that?
- See, Dave's got chronic
masturbation.
He can't stop.
So don't ever touch his right
hand.
- What the fuck?
- Not in the sink, dick
breath!
- Hey Chris, when you're done
let's go down to that river!
- River?
- Well yeah, we wanted to
get a little fishing in.
You guys wanna go?
- Nah, I'm done for the night.
- Yeah I'm good too.
- You guys are dicks.
Outlaw, grab the poles, let's
go.
- Grab them poles, huh?
Sounds like something Dave would
do.
- Oh, dude, this is perfect.
Bet there's all types of
fish up in this sumbitch.
- Yeah, fish'll be cool.
- Hey, tie that rope off.
- Oh dude, look what I got.
Some edibles, you want some?
- Nah man.
I got me some of this.
- What is that?
- It's Cannadip.
- What is it though?
- It's weed dip, dude.
It's THC CBD infused dip, bro.
- Hell yeah, let's try
some.
Woohoo!
- Woo, that was a scary
one!
Ah, we're gonna catch us some
fish now.
Gotta feed Jessie's fat ass.
- Heard that.
Let's try some of that cannabis
dip.
Get you some of that, ooh.
Mmm, it's good.
- Hey, get up, fatass!
Don't you know only whores
make money on their backs?
- God, ah!
The fuck, man?
What's going on here, what
happened?
I'm trying to sleep here, bitch.
- Not no more.
Here, drink this.
It'll wake you up.
You don't need none of that
spicy food.
Get that shit out of your head.
Diet is psychological.
Trust me, all you need is
this Redcon1 Total War.
You're up and ready to go.
You know that this shit is all
you need
throughout the day--
- Shut the fuck up!
I don't need to hear any of your
speeches
about my health.
I just woke up.
- Fucking Chris and Outlaw
aren't here.
Where they at?
- I don't know, man.
Probably still out on their pow
wow
fishing or some shit.
They out front?
- I don't see them.
Why do I always gotta
babysit you motherfuckers?
- Relax, you know Outlaw is
fishing.
They'll be back.
- Oh, what the fuck?
- Looks like you missed
a spot on your face.
- Think this is funny?
Wipe your mouth off, dick
breath.
- Ah shit!
- Exactly.
- Where the hell are we?
I think we fell asleep.
- I thought you secured the
rope.
- Ah shit, I forgot.
Now what?
How are we gonna get back?
Darcy's gonna be pissed.
- Yeah, fuck Darcy.
I need to figure this shit out.
- Can't we just row back?
- Upstream, no!
Ah dude, I don't have any
service.
Just walk up this bank until we
find them.
- Damn, dude.
It's been like an hour.
So what, we just keep going?
- Uh yeah.
It's kind of our only
option at this point.
- Oh shit, what was that?
- I think that was an
Appalachian Moose Bear.
- What the hell is an
Appalachian Moose Bear?
- I don't know, but it sounded
good.
- Ugh.
Oh, shit.
- Oh dude, that's boar shit.
And from the looks of it,
that's a big mother trucker.
- Aw.
Fuck asshole, you just leave me?
- Run!
Run, it's morning!
The boars are hungry in the
morning!
- Shit!
- Ah yeah.
Ah, this Total War's the shit!
Ah, big time!
- Hey, shut the fuck up, I'm
meditating.
I don't even wanna hear you guys
speak.
How very responsible of you.
- We just got chased by a
fucking boar!
- Is that the story you're
sticking to, fucksticks?
- No!
We fell asleep in the boat
and floated downriver.
Then we hiked our asses back
upstream
into the woods with nothing
but our fucking cocks
in our hands being chased by
an Appalachian Moose Bear!
- An Appalachian what?
You are totally high, dude.
There's nothing fucking out
there.
- Whatever.
Go see for yourself.
He'll see.
- Oh shit, fucking boar out
there!
- What'd I tell you?
- We gotta go!
- We gotta get the hell out of
here!
- You're stepping on my chips,
asshole!
- Chill the fuck out, Jessie!
- Go!
- So, we still got
another day to kill, boys.
What you guys feel like doing?
- Don't you remember anything,
dummy?
What, can't handle your liquor,
dude?
I said last night, while
I was getting hammered
that we were gonna get some
spicy ass food
and hit up the rattlesnake
museum.
Ow!
Fuck dude, that hurt!
- I bet it does.
You had that coming you fucking
fucko.
- Yeah he did.
Anyways, what the hell is
in a rattlesnake museum?
- Dead rattlesnakes, dum dum,
you dummy.
The fuck, man?
Jesus Christ.
Anyways, it's gonna be pretty
cool.
A buddy said it's awesome.
I even seen the pics.
He says they got a
world record rattlesnake
in one of the exhibits.
- I got the world record
snake right here, skippy.
We don't need no damn museum.
- Screw it, let's go.
I need some vlog footage anyway.
- Let's do it?
- All right then.
Rattlesnake museum it is.
- Hey dude.
Yo Mad, you up?
- Dude, he got fucked up.
- How the hell does someone get
bit
by a dead rattlesnake?
- Fucking loser.
- Hey I call dibs on
all of his gaming shit.
You think he wants this
sausage I brought for him?
- Hmm, give me the sausage.
I'm starving, dude.
I haven't eaten in four five
days.
- Starving?
You've been here like
five fucking minutes.
- What happened?
- Apparently, you walked through
the door
and tripped and you fell
into the damn exhibit.
Now we're behind schedule
and this shit ain't funny.
- Hey, fuck you asshole,
I almost died right now
and all you care about is
getting that stupid dip deal?
I'm sorry.
But my life is a little bit more
important
than any amount of tits, money,
and dip.
I'm sitting in this gurney right
now
and all I can think about
is getting home alive.
That being said, Chris, give me
my phone.
I need to get out of here.
- Dude, you just can't leave us
right now.
- Yeah, come on dude, just a
little bite.
- We're doing this to
achieve the American dream.
Come on, man.
Your fans and everyone
are gonna love this.
Sometimes we go through things
to make us
a better person and
learn from our mistakes.
We go through life and at times
come across major problems.
But in the end we come out more
polished.
I mean, in order to get
gold to a moldable state,
it must get to an extreme
temperature.
This is your moment where
you get to mold your life
into something better for your
future.
Today is your defining moment.
Quitting will only end
what you just nearly killed
yourself over.
Now is when you become the
greater person.
Besides, if you get up, keep
going,
what's the worst that could
happen?
- I never really wanted
to be a nurse, dammit.
- You know what, you're right,
dude.
I have quit at some low times in
my life.
And I've started some things
that I just couldn't finish.
People always say I'm nothing
and I'm just a fat motherfucker.
And I always think I'm
the one that's gonna quit.
But you know what?
I'm gonna finish this shit.
We've been this far together,
I'm not gonna quit now or ever.
Let's stop dicking around.
Let's get to this deal.
- You can't really go out like
that, sir.
- I'm going on a dip run!
- Hold on dude, I
need to piss really quick
and Dave's in there
taking a fricking shit.
- Hey me too, hold on
Chris!
Hey, how you doing, man?
- Oh god, really dude?
Of all the places you can piss
at,
you're gonna piss next to me?
- Chill, relax, huh?
Yeah I'm having some
major gaming withdrawals.
- Tell me about it,
dude.
Hey, quit staring at my dick!
What's your problem, man?
Hey what is that?
- What?
- I don't know, man.
- What the hell are you
doing on my property?
- Looks like
he's coming over here.
- Hey, fuck off, this is
America!
I can piss anywhere I want.
- Kind of looks like an inbred.
You think he likes sausage?
- I don't know, man.
But he's getting closer.
- Oh shit dude,
he has a fricking shovel.
- Oh shit!
Go go!
- You know what, I bet you,
let's do this.
I bet you I can pack four cans
quicker than you can pack one,
skippy.
- You fucking kidding me right
now?
- Nope, put your money
where your mouth is, pussy.
I'm the king of dip.
- Well I'm the god of dip.
- I'm the superman of dip!
- Well where's your fricking
cape, then?
- I'm the souza dip!
No wait, I'm the dip doctor.
- Oh does the dip doctor
prescribe that sitdoll
on your freaking biceps?
How about this, how about this?
Grab this fricking can.
All right listen, we're gonna go
on the count of seven.
- Okay.
- One, two, seven!
- Oh you cocksucker.
- Oh, that's good, yeah.
Mmm.
God, it's so juicy.
- Juicy as fuck!
- Help us you fucking
dicks, open up the door!
- Oh shit!
- Oh shit, open the door!
Open the door!
- Darcy, let's go!
What the hell are we waiting
for?
We gotta get the hell out of
here!
Go, go!
- Let's go!
- Go!
- Oh shit yo, hold up!
- What the?
Hit the brakes!
What the hell?
- Shit!
- Oh, what happened?
What the hell, Dave?
- Freaking psycho.
- Everybody all right?
- Man, there was a car coming
right at me.
What was I supposed to do?
- The fuck were you doing
where you just barely seen the
car?
Straight fucking road!
I'm gonna go out and check the
damage.
I know something's broken.
- You good?
- Dude what the hell, it's
crazy, man.
- I gotta go uh, clean myself
off.
- Really Dave, really?
- I gotta wash up real
quick.
- What the hell is that?
- The hell is that shit?
- Oh!
The fuck!
- Oh, damn, get it off me, man.
- Oh my god, look at it, it's so
slimy.
- Oh I'm so glad I didn't sit
there, dude.
Oh my god.
Oh.
He blew a load.
- Oh what up, Darc?
- Asshole.
Well, we got a flat tire, boys.
- Flat tire?
The tits are we gonna do now?
- We got a spare, but no tire
iron.
I don't have any phone service.
You guys got any service?
- No.
- I saw a light up the hill a
little ways.
Looked like a farm.
- I'll go with you.
Hey you guys stay here and watch
our shit.
And try to flag down a car.
We'll be right back.
What time you think, Darcy?
- Not long.
- Good luck.
- So.
Wanna play Go Fish?
- Really dude?
Out of all things we can do
at this moment of tragedy,
you wanna play Go Fish?
Let's do it.
- Fuck man, I never
realize how loud nature is.
You're used to this shit, aren't
you?
- Yeah man, you get
used to shit real quick
when you're out here in the
backwoods.
What was that?
- What?
- No, it's probably other men.
It's just the locals doing what
they do.
- What do you mean locals
doing what they do?
- Well if I'm not mistaken
we're out here in the Ozarks
right?
Been down here hunting a couple
times.
They told me some crazy
stories about what goes on
in these parts.
But you probably don't
wanna hear that right now.
- Dude, I ain't no pussy.
- Well see this used to
be an old mining town.
These city slickers came in
and they bought up all the
mines.
The miners wanted to get
revenge on the city slickers
so what they did was they
tied them up by their feet
to a gosh dang tree and
burned them over a giant fire!
And they still haven't caught
the miners to this day.
People come here every
year camping and fishing,
trying to find the remains
for some gosh dang answers.
Well, it's weird hillbilly shit,
dude.
- Bro, you're bullshitting me.
- No I swear.
I'll show you the FBI article
right now
but we ain't got no service out
here.
I'll show you when we get back
to the RV.
Dude, what is that?
- Where, where?
- I think that's a house.
- It is that house.
See that walk wasn't so bad.
They better have something we
could use.
- Two of hearts.
- Go fish, bitch!
- Fuck, goddamit!
- Sucker.
- I'ma grab a beer.
- Grab me one too.
Dude, I think they're back.
- No way.
Oh shit it is them.
- Dude, we should scare
the shit out of them.
- Dude I'm so down.
We can hide in those bushes out
there
and scare the shit out of them
so bad.
- Yes, let's do it.
- Well praise the Lord above.
He's blessed us with some
visitors.
Danny!
Danny, Dan, we've got some
visitors here.
- Well hey there, guys.
What's got you two out
here deep in the woods?
Look like you ain't from around
here.
What can we do you for?
- Uh, our RV broke down up the
road.
We were kind of hoping that you
guys
might be able to help with--
- You know what, enough chit
chat.
Colder than a donkey's bottom
out there.
Come in, have a meal, and then
we can talk
about your broke down RV.
- Well you see we kind of have
to be somewhere right now.
- We'd love to sit down.
Dude, shut the fuck up.
Just go in there, eat their
shit,
get the fuck out of here.
Remember the Ozarks.
- Here.
- Let's have a word
of prayer to the great lord
for this bountiful food.
- Dude, they're going to take
your kidneys and my liver.
And we're about to eat the
last visitors they had.
- M-hmm.
- We also thank you for our
visitors
as you know damn well we don't
get a lot of them out here.
Amen.
- Amen.
- Oh shit.
Amen.
- So what brings you two boys
out here
on a cold night like this?
You all must be working
on the oil rigs out there.
Mighty fine work they do out
there.
- Well actually, we were just,
we're driving our RV back to
camp
so we can get back home.
Yeah, it's been a long
work week, that's for sure.
- Oh, Bobby!
- Hey Paw, hey Maw.
- Oh son.
- I see we got us some visitors.
- Yeah.
- How you boys doing tonight?
- Ah yellow.
- Hi.
- Hey, Bobby.
These boys here are having
some vehicle problems
so invited them in for
dinner till you got home.
What do you boys need?
Bobby here can fix anything.
- Well we got a flat tire.
Don't have a tire iron.
We do have a spare, though.
- I got a tire iron
right here in the back.
I'll grab it, take you boys
back,
and I'ma help you fix it.
- We gotta get the fuck
out of here, like now!
- I know.
- Dude, this is gonna be
hilarious.
I can't wait to see Darcy's
face.
- I know.
We'll get those idiots so good.
- Dude, I don't think
that's Outlaw and Darcy.
- What?
Shit.
Holy shit, are you seeing this?
- No way, that's a fucking dude,
dude.
- We gotta get the fuck out of
here.
- Let's get back to the RV, get
Dave
and then wait for the guys.
This is none of our fricking
business.
I don't wanna die out here.
I still haven't gotten a
soul of chicken dinner yet.
And there's no revising this
shit.
- Hey, I agree 100%.
- We gotta go.
- Different quadrant nine,
this is your reminder.
Your pizza's ready.
Your pizza's ready.
- Just stick to
this iron back here, boys,
it's a little big.
- Sharpening that ax.
- Ooh.
- Ah shit, fuck
this, what the fuck Darcy?
- Dude.
- Oh dude, is it over?
Is it over?
- We need to get the fuck out of
here.
Come on.
- What the fuck?
- Oh, oh.
I'ma kill these motherfuckers.
You boys can run!
But you can't hide!
- Wake the fuck up, Dave, we
gotta go!
- The fuck?
Is this dip spit?
Did you fucking throw dip spit
on me?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Fuck!
What the hell, Dave?
We gotta get the fuck out of
here,
there's inbreds trying to kill
us!
- The fuck?
The guys are in there.
- What are we gonna do
now?
- We're gonna run up in there,
we're gonna save those pussies.
- Holy shit, it's you guys.
- The hell's going on out there,
man?
We thought you were coming back,
we went out there to scare you.
Next thing you know, we
got cults on our asses.
- They killed someone
right in front of us.
Whoa!
- Come on now.
I don't know that kind of rabid
ass ideas
entered your mind,
but why don't you boys
step on out of the vehicle
so we can talk?
- Fuck you man,
you're gonna kill us.
We ain't doing shit.
- Now why on earth
would we wanna kill you?
- The Ozarks, asshole.
- Yeah we know.
We saw what you did to
that dude in the woods,
tied him up.
That little demon kid slit his
throat.
- Well I'll be damned.
You all are a bunch of funny
fellers.
That dude you saw strung up?
That was a boar from tonight's
hunt.
And that damn demon kid was
my youngest boy Rutabar.
It was his first kill and
we have a first kill ritual.
He got to drink the blood of the
boar.
As far as the Ozarks,
ain't your parents ever taught
you
not to believe in ghost stories?
All this commotion over that?
Come on now, we see you got a
flat.
We got a tire iron here.
Why don't you boys step
on out of the vehicle,
throw back some drinks with us
and we'll get this beater fixed
up
and send you on your way.
- Thank god.
Good thing for you fuckers.
'Cause I was about to go
apeshit on your asses.
- I thought we were done for.
- I don't give a rat's
ass about any of this.
I'm done!
Dip spit in the face is
where I draw the line.
So adios, and have fun on your
random
road trip of clusterfuckery!
- What the hell crawled up
his ass?
We're about to have a
get-together!
Come on now, drink up.
The beer's getting warm but
the moonshine's getting cold.
Am I right boys?
Woohoo!
Wild wild wild west
- This is freaking awesome.
Can we do this every year?
- Sure, Skippy.
I guess it ain't too bad, huh?
At least Chris is enjoying
himself.
- Man, we almost died on this
deal.
But I can honestly say,
it's a little bit worth it.
Hell I can't wait to get back on
the road.
- Hey, little less deal
talk, little more drinking.
We need a night off.
- Aah!
Wild wild wild west
Wikky-Wah-Wah
Wikky-Wah-Wah
Wild wild wild west
Wikky-Wild wild west
I'm from the '90s
Diamond Rio and High-C
Wait, 90's, Alan
Jackson and pine trees
Wait wait wait, '90s
Shania Twain and Swiss cheese
Shit, wait
'90s, Dixie Chicks and 98
Degrees
Wait wait wait
I met George Strait
Please don't get irate
I made an honest mistake
- Hey, watch this.
Who the fuck thinks they can
outdrink me?
I'm a drinking god!
Nobody?
That's what I thought, huh.
- I guess the Ozarks
ain't shit.
- Nope.
- All right boys, looks like
we got ourselves a drinker!
These pussy ass bitches
think they can outdrink us?
BeersCo, get in here.
- You really think you
can outdrink the south,
you sloppy soy boy fatass?
- All right, let's
get this thing going,
you guys ready?
All right!
When I say go.
And go!
- Come on Jesse!
Come on, come on!
- Chug it!
Chug it, dude!
- Aww!
- Yellow, what's cracking,
mother truckers hey!
We are here in the south
partying with these
crazy Southern folks.
They are crazy much, I tell you
what.
I'll check back with you guys in
a bit.
I gotta go.
Yes, I do have a girlfriend.
And no, I don't go both ways,
okay?
Hey Darcy.
When do you think we're
gonna get outta here?
- We got ourselves a problem
here, boys.
- Oh that does not look
good.
Chris, let's go, let's go.
- It seems as if we got
some snakes in our grass.
There are some outsiders down
here.
They're not here on good terms.
They done knocked out Ma, Pa,
they're up there hunched over
with welts on their face
bigger than a Georgia Peach.
- Jesse!
- Holy shit!
- Hey, that's that
mothertrucker right there!
- Run, fatass!
- Fuck you, bitch!
- I'm gonna kill
you sons of bitches!
Stop the RV, come back and
fight, sissies!
- So, this is it, huh?
We made it, holy shit.
- Yeah, let's hope so, man.
It's been a long time coming.
It's like this is our big break.
Been struggling for so long
to get MudJug off the ground,
Chris.
Things are finally starting to
pay off.
- I hear you, man.
Feels good knowing that we're
that close
to our big win.
Too bad we couldn't have found
a better group of douchebags.
- I wouldn't have wanted to done
this deal
with any other douchebags
in the entire world, buddy.
- We're some badass ones too.
I mean we got chased by rednecks
not once, but twice.
We broke into a mob hideout.
Nearly raped by trannies,
and you, knocking out
that family of inbreds.
- I had no choice, dude,
considering the circumstances.
Damn, we are some badasses.
- Yes, we are.
- Hey, sleeping beauties.
We're pulling over to get some
grub.
And I need to make a phone call.
- Yeah, it's Cyrus.
- Yo Cyrus, it's Darcy.
Hey man, we're about an hour
out.
Just wanna make sure we're on
for tonight at eight p.m.
- When I say eight
p.m., I mean eight p.m.
No later, no earlier.
I've been looking forward to
meeting
Mr. Compton himself.
- Should be a good night.
I'm pretty juiced to meet
up and get this thing going.
- Well see you on the
dip side.
- Roger, you got it.
- Dude, get the fuck in
here, the money's gone!
- The fuck you talking about,
asshole?
The hell's going on in here,
man?
- I don't know.
We were getting ready, came back
in here
to grab my Mudjug and the money
was gone.
We searched the RV everywhere.
It's gone!
- Betcha it was one of them
rednecks.
- Fuck!
Every fucking time, so close!
This is bullshit!
- Chill, we should all just calm
down.
Let's get our shit together
here.
- I heard that.
I need to eat something.
- So what's the plan?
We're still doing this, right?
- We don't have any
fricking money, Outlaw.
Unless you wanna empty your bank
account,
we're all screwed.
- Come on guys, let's
figure out our options here.
We came too far, too damn close.
Hey Darcy, what are you
thinking, man?
Yo Darce, Darcy?
Darce?
- I got nothing, boys.
I think we're done.
- Well, I'm out.
I'll pull my cards and leave
while I can.
Sorry Darcy, I just can't do it
anymore.
If anybody wants to go home,
I'm about to get up the bus
and wallow in my sorrow.
- Well, sorry boys, we tried.
We really did try.
- Probably gonna
leave now too, I guess, huh?
- You know, you taught me a lot,
man.
You helped me when I was down.
You were there for me when shit
was rough.
You've taught me self control.
But the most important
thing you've taught me
is when to pull your cards
and take what you've got.
I think it's time for
me to take what I've got
and go with it, man.
I'm sorry, brother.
But I wanna go home.
- I'll meet up with you guys
later.
Let me unload this RV somewhere
first.
Fuck it, man, that thing
was our kryptonite.
We should have never partied,
we should have just focused on
the deal.
And that's my fault.
Hello.
- Your journey's not over
yet,
you got one more hand to play.
Hard times, huh, oh well,
I just happen to know
where your money is at
and how you can get it back.
And again, I'm gonna text you
the address.
Follow this to get your money.
And you're welcome.
- Wait, who the fuck is this?
- Who's that?
- Hello?
- Who is that?
Is everything cool?
- Shit, man.
You know how the universe works,
everything happens for a reason?
- The hell you're talking about,
man?
You're sounding crazy.
Let's go home, dude.
We're done.
- Well we just got another
break.
The guy on the phone told me
that our money's still here.
Great.
- What's up?
We're about to hoover to the bus
station.
- Well, I just got
another random phone call,
saying if we want our money back
to go to this address.
- Man, do you really
think our money is there?
We already lost it once.
What the hell are the odds of
getting our shit back again?
- Yeah it sounds like a total
setup, dude.
- Hey, it's the only
card we got left to play.
Besides, what's the
worst that could happen?
It's not like your ass got
a hot date waiting for you.
- Hey, pitch a right up here.
I think this is it.
- The hell is this place?
- Is this a sex dungeon?
- It does smell like
leather and latex, huh?
- Hey, stop fucking
around and find a light switch.
- Hold on, I
think I got something.
Aw.
What the hell, is that Dave?
- Guys, is that you?
Guys please, you gotta let
me out of here, please.
- Fuck you, Dave!
- What the hell are you
doing with our money?
- Ah, your money?
You can have your money, please.
The guy who tied me up is crazy.
He's gonna kill me!
- Why the fuck would you take
our money?
You're supposed to be a
veteran, an American hero!
We trusted you!
- No man, I'm sorry, no I'm not
a veteran.
I didn't even make it past ROTC!
I couldn't stop beating my
tallywhacker, I'm sorry.
- Stolen valor, motherfucker!
- You know what, leave him tied
up
to be eaten by the dogs.
You're a lucky man, Dave.
You have no idea what I
would have done to you
five years ago!
Let's get the fuck out of here,
boys.
We got a deal to make!
- Guys please, no please.
Please, Jesse.
Please, no.
Jesse, please!
Please!
Untie my right hand?
- Fuck you, Dave!
- Holy shit, I didn't believe
the money
would actually be there.
Who was that dude who texted
you?
- I don't know, man, and I don't
care.
We got our money back
and that's all that matters.
- So what's the details?
What else we gotta know about
this deal?
- The details are we show
up, we drop the dough,
we grab our dip and we skip
town.
What other details do you need?
Should we stop off and
buy him a dozen roses?
Maybe a box of chocolates
too while we're at it?
- Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
- Hey man, we're here for
Cyrus to pick up an order?
- Just wait here and shut the
fuck up.
They're here.
- The hell did he get us into?
- This does not look good.
- He just told Darcy to shut the
fuck up.
- Glad you can make it.
Right on time.
I dig that shit.
What the fuck are you doing with
that RV?
- Yeah man, sorry.
It's the best I could
do on such short notice.
But I think we can pack the shit
in there.
- All right, where's the money?
- I got it right here.
- Perfect.
Joel, check it up, make sure
it's fine
while I make my way down there.
They mean business?
- Yeah, it's all there.
- Good.
I like you.
I like you a lot.
You see how this man does
business?
Straight cut and to the point.
First, you three need
to step the fuck back.
This doesn't concern you.
Now this is how it shall always
be.
You give me my money I
give you your product.
See how easy that was?
Darcy here is a true
businessman.
I think we can all learn
from this endeavor.
Do you wanna see your product?
- Of course.
I hear it's some good shit.
- Straight off of the fields of
Kentucky.
- Wow man, that is some good
shit.
My boys here, they're my
partners.
They'll be handling
logistics moving forward.
I'm gonna share this with them
real quick.
- Take your time.
We're almost done filling them
boxes
and then we'll start loading
them up.
Wait a second, Darcy.
I wanna ask you a little favor.
I'll be sure to make it worth
your while.
- What kind of favor are we
talking?
- Nothing too big.
Something you could definitely
handle.
I just need you to take
that pallet over there
to a buddy of mine in Arizona.
- What is it?
- Just behind schedule
inventory.
- What's in the boxes?
- Just more dip.
I really need you to do me
this little favor, Darcy.
I mean, you're a business
man, you understand.
- Can I at least see
what's in the fucking boxes?
- Who the fuck keeps texting
you?
We're doing a deal here.
Ah damn.
You really gone and wasted
some perfectly good product.
You weren't supposed to see
that.
- Hey, hey, hey, listen.
We're just here to get the dip.
We don't care what else you're
into.
Just take the money, we'll take
the dip
and pretend like we never saw
anything.
- I wish it were that simple.
Who the fuck are you talking to?
- I don't know, man.
I just keep getting random
texts and random calls.
Thought it was a wrong number.
- You really think you
can do a one over on me?
You got three seconds to tell me
what the fuck you're really
doing here!
One, two!
- DEA, everyone put your guns
down.
Everyone put your guns down now
or we open fire!
I repeat, everybody put
your fucking guns down!
- We all know how this turns
out.
- Go, go!
- Gate.
Open the gate!
- Hey, there's those
motherfuckers right there!
Fuck them!
- Fuck, we're cornered, get
under the fucking truck.
Oh god boys, I think this is it.
- What do you mean this is it?
How the fuck did this happen?
- Oh, shit!
- What the fuck, Darcy?
- Holy shit!
- What's the worst that
can happen, right Darcy?
Where the hell's he going?
What dude?
- Motherfucker!
- Take that dick, you
cocksucker!
- Clear.
Well, looks like you guys
handled yourselves pretty well.
- Wait a second.
You're the fuck from the bar!
- Okay, I'll take that, cowboy,
thank you.
- Oh.
You helped us get our money back
in Vegas.
- What the hell man, you dirty
bitch.
- What can I say, I just
needed a little help
catching this guy.
Look I didn't expect it to go
this far.
I had no idea an RV could go
that fast.
We're just trying to figure out
where they package the stuff.
- What the fuck man, you used
us, again!
We almost died!
- Ah, you didn't almost die.
We were watching you the
whole time, you were fine.
This guy and his crew have
been doing the same thing
for years, running drugs
through legitimate businesses.
And now their new deal is
apparently smuggling heroin
in dip cans.
That little favor you
were gonna do for Cyrus
is worth about 26 million
dollars on the streets.
And he was just gonna turn
around and do it again
because the dip always comes
back to him.
And you guys, well, you were
gonna wind up
with four holes.
- Well shit.
Good to know law enforcement's
doing their fucking job.
- What the fuck, Darcy?
- Ow, shit.
- This guy is fucking dead!
Whoo.
- What the hell are we gonna do?
I just wanna grab my dip, get in
the RV
and go the fuck home!
- Can I get this fucking
bullet out of my arm first?
- We'll get that bullet out of
your arm.
About that dip, I got bad news
for you.
I know you guys have been
through a lot
but unfortunately, we're gonna
have
to confiscate the dip.
It's now considered a Federal
crime scene
and that's evidence.
So look, I'm sorry.
- This is bullshit!
- Tell you what I'm gonna do.
When all this is over,
I will pay you guys a visit.
Your country owes you a debt of
gratitude.
All right, come on,
let's get you patched up.
- So I know it's been a few
months, boys,
but I'm glad you made it back
here.
- Ah, yeah.
Needed some time to cool
off from that damn dip run.
- Yeah, it's good to
be back with you guys.
Let's party.
- Hey, as long as it's not
transfusion night, I'm down.
- Fuck that place.
Right, let's just keep it low
key,
have a few beers in my backyard.
No road trips for a while, boys.
Oh, shit.
Listen to this text.
"Don't go nowhere.
"I'm still listening."
Sorry.
- Ah shit.
I knew they were still listening
in.
- Is that that asshole DEA agent
again?
- Oh hell no.
I'd rather do the opposite
of what that guy says.
I'm out.
- Whoah, where do you
think you're going, cowboy?
- What?
What the?
- Oh, look at you guys.
So great to see that you're
all back together again.
But then again I knew
that, that's why I'm here.
Why don't you have a seat?
- What's bring you out
here?
Our dip run days are over.
- I know, I know.
And believe me, I won't take
up too much of your time.
I know you're all eager to have
beer
in Darcy's backyard.
The bust that you helped us with
helped us to locate the
main distribution hub
of 22 states.
The Federal Government confiscated
about 1.4 billion dollars
worth of heroin.
And we made 236 arrests
all over the country.
So on behalf of the US
Government,
I am here to offer you a piece
of the pie.
A reward if you will.
- Finally, what's the reward
looking like?
- Yeah, show us the money.
- Well, don't get too excited.
It's probably not as much
as you're hoping it is.
I did what I could, but it
is the government after all
so in the end you're only gonna
see
right around seven million
dollars.
- What?
- And we got your dip.
And we're gonna set you up with
a company
with legitimate distribution.
Here is the paperwork for
your 10 year contract.
Oh, and before I forget.
Angel.
Angel's got to bring you,
yes, there we are.
Oh and everything you make after
today
is going to be completely tax
free.
That's something that I did for
you
just because I like you.
So please for the love of
God, don't embarrass me.
Don't make me regret
that I did this, okay?
- Oh!
- Dick!
- Holy shit.
Now that's how you do a dip run,
boys.
Rambler
Come back home
Come back home
I know
You're alone
- B speed.
- 68 kilo, take one,
marker.
And camera speeds.
- Scene 30 Bravo, take
two.
- Hard time reaching that button
in front.
- All right.
- I was talking about sex.
- Scene 30, Charlie.
Take one.
Got it.
Scene 30, Charlie, take two.
- All right, I
really can't see your head.
You're gonna have to be a little
more--
- Fuck, god damn, I knew it.
- On the lap, boy.
Face down.
- 46, Alpha, take two.
Slate real quick.
- Let me know when you're
ready.
- Camera speeding.
- Open it, say
again, 46 Bravo, take two.
Second sticks.
Go.
- I'm not a slater, bro.
- Wake the fuck up, Dave, we
gotta go!
- What the fuck?
Is this dip spit?
Did you fucking throw dip spit
on me?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Your mom fucking drop you on
your head
when you're a child, what the
fuck?
The fuck?
- Hey!
I'm meditating.
Hey, I'm medita...
Rambler
Come back home
Come back home
You're in
Rolling Stone
Been on the road for a while
Looking at the dial
Drive another mile
Hard to see my family smile
Then my lifestyle
Cold case file
Like I feel like I'm on trial
What you gonna do
What you got to prove
Why you gotta move
They all disapprove
What is there to see
Here up in the breeze
Countin' all the trees
Freedom is the key
I was born to ramble
It's in my blood
- I wanna get out of
here.
- Dude you can't leave us right
now, man.
- Yeah man, come on.
It's just a little bite.
- We're doing this to
achieve the American dream.
Come on, your fans and everyone
are gonna love it.
Sometimes we go through--
Fuck.
We're doin'--
- Go back to the line,
go back to the line before,
Chris.
- Yes sir.
- No.
- You just can't leave us like
that, dude.
- Yeah, come on man.
What the fuck?
- Sorry guys, I'm sorry.
- Take that dick, you
cocksucker!
You never fuck,
where were you, I'm
falling on my back here.
- Action!
- That was definitely a fucking
challenge.
- The hell happened to your
shoes?
Okay.
- Peabody here
pissed his fucking pants.
- Great rape!
Great trip!
- I think I'm in love.
- You're in love?
- What a great girl.
- I don't want her, you can have
her.
She's too c-c-crazy for me.
- It's ridiculous, man.
She was hot though.
- What a nice lady.
Fuckin' nut job.
- What's the details?
What else we gotta know about
this deal?
- Well, the
details are, we show up,
we drop the dough, grab out dip,
and we skip town.
What other details do you need?
Should we stop off and
buy him a dozen roses,
maybe a box of chocolates
too, while we're at it.
- Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
- Um, yeah, cut.
- Speed.
- 17, take one, marker.
- Gonna have to look at
your marks
when you walk in, fuckin'
dummies.
- I'm using my peripheral
vision.
- Quiet on set, please.
- Speed.
- Just go faster than him,
Jessie.
- Mark it.
Sound speeding.
54 take two, marker.
- That's not gonna work.
- Camera's set.
- Quiet on the set.
Action!
- I'll go.
- Dude, you didn't pass
me?
I was walking.
- Cut!
- Wake the fuck up,
Dave!
- Cut, reset!
- Wake the fuck up,
Dave!
- Fuck!
- Fuck you, dave!
- And follow the RV,
follow me.
- I'm running?
Running, right?
Did he say running?
- Yeah.
- Jesus, you guys, run,
run, run.
- Okay.
- Speed.
Apple 63 Apple, take two.
- You have no idea
what I would've done to you
five years ago.
Let's get the fuck outta here,
boys.
We got a dip brand to hit.
- Fuck you.
- Hey, Jesse.
Let me talk about your fart box.
- Speeding, awesome.
- 16, three echo.
Take one, marker.
- Right here, right on the
show.
Right here, ladies and
gentlemen.
Right here, Ed Sullivan, here we
go.
Let's get serious.
Jesse rub your tits for me.
Here we go.
All right, in character.
It's okay.
Let's go ahead and do this.
Feel pumped.
Come over here and smack me
around.
- Jesse, Jesse, please, wait.
Untie my right hand.
- Fuck you, Dave!
You choose to roam
Rambler
Come back home
Come back home
I know
You're alone
You're alone
Rambler
Come back home
Come back home
You're in
Rolling Stone
- Higher.
- Fuck me.
- Can we get the keys
thrown again?
- Let's do it again.
- You're fucking fired.
- Put some zing on it.
Jesus Christ!
- We gotta get the fuck outta
here!
There's inbreds trying to kill
us!
JD?
JD!
- Cut!
- Apple 20, Alpha, take
three.
Apple 20, Alpha, take five.
- Oh.
- Just stay animated,
guys.
So you're still kinda breathing
still.
- Keep going, keep going.
- Oh god.
- Great!
- And flip your wrist
a little bit for me, Jared.
Oh, jeez, oh.
- Cut scene.
You're looking to see what
the...
- Jared.
- Jared, drop
your hand a little bit.
- There we go.
Oh, now he's peed himself.
Oh, dear god.
- Bottle.
- Are we still rolling?
- Still speeding.
- Shhh.
Still rolling.
Don't talk.
Action!
Cut.
- 21 November,
take two, soft sticks.
Why won't you.
Second sticks.
- It's very soft.
Soft sticks.
- Getting sick of
freakin' cheddar Ruffles.
You like cheddar Ruffles?
I hate cheddar Ruffles.
- Yeah, you really hate
it.
You destroyed the entire
bag in like five minutes.
You must really hate it.
Tastes horrible.
- Cut.
- Oh shit!
There's a fucking boar out
there!
- Shit!
- We gotta go!
- Gotta get the
hell out of here, go!
You're on my chips, asshole!
- Chill the fuck out, Jesse.
- Go!
What?
Drive, now!
Chips!
Rambler
Come back home
Come back home
You're in
Rolling Stone
- Hey, Dave.
I didn't take you for a man that
dips.
What you dippin' on?
- It's that new Whitetail
tobacco-free nicotine dip.
I've dipped a lot of stuff
and that stuff's the best in the
business.
- Mind if I try a little pinch?
- No, go for it, but
watch out.
That stuff packs a wollop.
It'll put you on your ass.
- Wow, that stuff is pretty
good.
- Told ya.
- Looks like Whitetail Smoke
has got a new customer.
- 44, take one, marker.
Set.
- Action!
- Time to dip.
That's all.
- I know, man.
- Hey, man, how you
doing?
- Really, dude?
Out of anywhere you could
piss, you piss next to me?
- Chill, relax.
I've been having some real
gaming problems, dude.
- I heard that.
- Are you looking at my
dick?
What is that?
- What?
I don't know, man.
- What the hell are
you doing on my property?
- I can barely freaking see
you with that camo shirt on.
- I look good in this man.
- He kinda looks like an
inbred.
Do you think he likes sausage.
- I don't know, man,
but he's getting closer.
- Thanks.
You look pretty good in yellow,
man.
- Holy shit, dude, he
has a freaking shovel.
Go!
Hey, hey!
Oh shit.
- You know what I bet I can pack
four cans
quicker than you can pack one,
Skippy.
- Are you freaking kidding me
right now?
- Yeah?
Put your money where your mouth
is.
I'm the king of dip.
- Well, I'm the god of dip.
- What?
I'm the Superman of dip.
- Well, where's your freaking
cape then?
- Hey, no, I'm the juice of dip.
- Chris!
Oh, fuck!
No!
- Better yet.
- Jesse get up.
- Ow, he's on me.
Get him off!
Get him off of me!
- Get off!
- I'm the dip doctor.
- Does a dip doctor prescribe
that sitdoll
on your freaking biceps?
- Fuck off!
You ready?
Let's go.
- Yellow, fuckin' help us,
assholes!
- Go unlock the door.
Hey, what's up?
- What's up?
- Who's that guy?
- What the fuck, dude?
So bad.
- That was the worst.