|
The Distinguished Gentleman (1992)
[Olaf Andersen] Uh, ladies and | gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please.
Your attention. I think you all know our guests | of honor today. Our great congressman, | Jeff Johnson, and Vera Johnson, | his lovely and gracious wife. Many of you know that Jeff | is now completely recovered | from a triple bypass operation. Doesn't he look great? I never felt better. Before I turn the floor | over to the congressman, | I'd like to thank my old friends, Mr. And Mrs. Zeke Bridges, for the use | of their wonderful, lovely home. [Andersen] | Thank you, Zeke. Now, sirs, | ladies and gentlemen, - In the 20 years of the great... | - Som-bitch! Uh... well, seems like | a host's work is never done. - [Laughing] | - Now, in the 20 years... that the Honorable | Jefferson Davis Johnson has been | our representative in Congress... Excuse me. Pardon me. | What do you say, Pete? - [Andersen] | Whatever our walk of life: | - Excuse me. - Utilities, pharmaceuticals... | - Pardon me. Hi, Malcolm. One bourbon sour straight up | with extra orange, and one gibson, no onion, and two white wine spritzers | and a Lowenbrau. [Jamaican Accent] | Allow me to light your cigarette | for you. Hold this for me, sir. The way your hair matches your eyes, | I don't know how I can control myself. Excuse me, | I'll get those drinks. I can't believe that you're Inga. | You don't look Swedish. You're so different | from your picture. [Swedish Accent] | That wasn't me on the TV, but that sure was me | on the telephone. [Normal Voice] | You want me to prove it, Zeke? You told me that you want me | to tie you up and beat you with... My God, Inga, | that was on the phone. I never thought you'd be in my house. | You've got to get outta here. [Swedish Accent] | But you told me you wanted me! | You told me to quit my job. [Normal Voice] | And now, honey, here I am. - Not now, waiter. Please! | - Don't worry about a thing. | I'll handle this. You! Bag on the floor, | hands in the air. Do it! Sergeant Brown, vice squad, | undercover operations. - I know who you are, dirty pig! | - Shut up! You're under arrest. - My God, what's goin' on here? | - Sir, you've been the target of | a ruthless gang of con artists. It all started when you called | the "Girls of Many Nations" party line. It's 1-900-phone-sex? You put it on your credit card | instead of your phone bill... 'cause you didn't want your wife | to see it, right? Big mistake. The gang used your | credit card number to find out | everything they could about you. It's the gang's M.O. to wait until | the victim's having a big party... and will do anything, pay big money, | to avoid embarrassment. Embarrassment? | Som-bitch! This goes | beyond embarrassment! A hundred of my very best friends | paid a thousand dollars apiece... to have a drink | with Congressman Johnson. Not to mention the fact my wife | is probably looking for me right now. That is exactly what | their evil scheme is depending on. In fact, any second now, | a huge Latino man's... - Gonna burst in pretending | he's an outraged husband. | - Inga! - What're you doin' with my wife? | - Senor... - [Bridges] It's okay, Alice. | - My friend, rum and coke. Don't let anyone else in, please. | Thanks. - [Armando] Did he touch you? | - I got your rum and coke. There's your rum and coke, | and she can drink it with you! - [Speaking Spanish, Indistinct] | - Hey, i callate la boca. I callate la boca ahora! | I ahora asi! Now you see how they were gonna plan | to con you outta your money. But I know better, 'cause I know | you're a courageous citizen. - And I know you're gonna testify. | Yes, you're gonna testify. | - Oh! - I can't testify. | - Sure you can. All you've | done was phone sex. - A lot of people have done that. | - He wanted me to tie him up... and spank him with | a wet garter belt. - [Chuckling] No, no, not me. No, no. | - [Thomas] Excuse me. That is between the fantasy hostess and | the freak. I don't even wanna hear it. - "Freak"? | - Hey, poppy. I got a tape in the car. Eight-track | or cassette. You wanna hear it? - No, no! No, no! Thank you very much. | - Sir, please. They're trying to intimidate you | by telling you that they have an | audio tape of you freaking on... Did you think you were gonna intimidate | him? You're not intimidating him. He's going to testify, because | his family may not know he's a freak, but he's been married 20, 30 years. | His wife knows he's a freak. "Freak"? Uh, Sergeant Brown, I have | to talk to you in private, please. Mr. Bridges, I can't leave | the suspects by themselves. Well, let's, uh, lock 'em | in the crapper. Okay, come on. | Move in the bathroom. - Come on, man, move it. Come on! | - [Speaking Spanish, Indistinct] Hey, hey! Vamonos, | muchachos, goddamn it! Now you've all met my | legislative assistant, Kimberly. Kimberly and my fine staff, | along with myself, will be available to you | 24 hours a day. I'm proud to be | your man in Washington. I plan to keep goin' back | as long as you keep sendin' me. [Cheering] Please listen, Sergeant. - I'm the chairman of a large, | conservative insurance company. | - I know that. I know your chief, Sergeant Brown. | Help me and you'll be Lieutenant Brown. Just get these people | the hell outta here quietly. Mr. Bridges, I know | these people. Okay? If you let them go, | they're just gonna blackmail you. I don't care. | What do they want? - Goin' by their other victims, | it costs like $5,000. | - Okay. That's 5,000 each, you know. Okay. You know there's | four people in the gang. - Twenty thousand dollars? | - See, that's what I'm tellin' you. - I think you should testify. | - No, I can't. - Please put your money away, sir. | - Look, it's... It's just that I don't have that | much cash. I've only got $12,000. - And there's four people in the gang. | - Wait a minute. - My rolex. | - Oh, Mr. Bridges, no. | No, no, no. Please, sir. No, it's worth $10,000. Oh, Mr. Bridges, I don't wanna take your | watch, I don't wanna take your money. - Besides, they don't want a watch. | They want cash. | - Take the damn money! Take the watch, please! | Get them outta here and get that tape. You know this goes against | my every principle. Darlin', | don't you look wonderful. Glad to see ya. Nice to... | Hey, how's that knee, huh? - [Speaking Spanish, Indistinct] | - Hey, hey, hey, hey! | [Spanish, Indistinct] Inga will miss you! | Bye-bye. What are you doin'? | I gotta go get the tape. I don't want you to give them the money | until I get the tape in my hand. Come with me. Chief! By golly, | am I glad to see you. I'm sorry I'm late. | I had an emergency. You know Sergeant... [Bridges] | Where'd he go? Sergeant Brown, the vice squad. We don't have a vice squad. You don't have a... | Som-bitch! Oh, waiter, | where's my bourbon sour? Oh, you must think I'm Kareem. | I'm Jamal. He stiff you on your | drinks too? He fired. Kareem! Wait right there. | Kareem, where's this woman's drink? | This woman's thirsty! - [Man] I've always enjoyed | the time we've spent together. | - [Woman] Oh, thank you. [Man] Why don't we | sit down over here? [Guests Laughing] Olaf, I'm thinking | of retiring from Congress. You can't retire. You just promised | all these people you're gonna run again. That was a political promise. | You know better than to believe that. [Andersen] | Zeke, come here. Listen to this. Have you all seen a waiter | come through here? No, I haven't, but, Zeke, | I need your help. Hey! - What's got into Zeke? | - Damned if I know. Listen, Jeff, you know you got | the best job in the world, don't you? You get to go hunting, fishing, | skiing and golfing. The best resorts. Then you get | to call it, "official business," huh? And, Jeff, you know there's | no aphrodisiac like power. Are you tired of having | the most beautiful and intelligent | women in this country? Ah, the joy's gone out | of Congress, Olaf. No, that perks thing | was the last straw. And who needs the aggravation? | Life's too short. Yeah, well, look, Jeff. | You can't retire. If I retire this year, | I get to keep $1.3 million... that's left in my campaign fund. It's called | "the grandfather loophole." All right, Jeff. | I got it. Come here. There's this small software company | that's about to go through the roof. Now, what you do, you buy a few thousand | dollars worth of stock options. It's gonna bring in a half a million | dollars easy. That's just for openers. Huh? If you put it like that, | I suppose I... have a duty to continue | my career in public service. "Duty"! [Chuckles] | You're something else, Jeff. I am definitely | in the wrong business. - Som-bitch! | - Well? - Som-bitch! | - Yes! - [Laughing Together] | - [Swedish Accent] I love it! [Grunting, Groaning] - [Woman Sighing] | - [Johnson] Ohh! Oh, Kimberly! [Kimberly] | Oh, Congressman! [Johnson] Oh, Kimberly, | you're so good! Yeah! Oh! Oh God! Oh, Oh! | Oh, I got a cramp! I got a cramp. It's okay, | don't stop. Don't stop! Oh! Yeah, yeah! | Oh, God, yes, yes! - Kimberly! Yeah! | - Oh, Congressman! - Oh, now, now! Yeah! Oh! Oh, my God! | - Oh, Congressman! Oh, my God! | Oh, my... [Gagging] [Kimberly Panting] [Panting] Oh, my God! ## [Funeral Organ] [Dick Dodge] | It was my honor... to serve with Jeff Johnson | in Congress for a generation. No one was a better legislator, | a better husband. We're gonna miss him. But we are | grateful that his passing was peaceful. The consummate public servant, working late into the night | at his desk. - Thank you. | - [Dodge] Vera? - Let me talk to you | for a minute in here. | - Excuse me. Uh, now... I know that, uh, you're still | in shock over Jeff's passing, - But we need to talk about his seat. | - We do? I would like for you to announce | that you're gonna run for Congress. With your name, you can't lose. Mrs. Jeff Johnson | would win in a walk. Dick, I've been | a Washington wife for 20 years. I think that's enough bullshit | for one lifetime. I'd help. I'd be running | the office night and day. I'm sure you would, dear. | But I couldn't give you... the same kind of job satisfaction | Jeff gave you. Uh-huh. How did I end up with a thief | for a grandson? Hey! Aha! | Hey, thieves steal. I con, all right? | It's different. I'm an artist. I'm a con artist. - Hey, look! There's the new ad. | - Hey. [Loretta As Inga] I am Inga. | I am here from Sweden. And I'm so lonely. I need a man, | and so do my girlfriends. Maria, my hot-blooded | Spanish friend. - Babette, zee Parisian pussycat... | - [Meows] - And many others. | - I hope you sprain your lips | from doin' this. - I hope your lip muscles freeze up. | - We take all major credit cards. [Loretta As Inga] So call | the Girls of Many Nations at... [Swedish Accent] What do you think | of my accent, Grandma? - Very, very good. Hey, hey. | - [Telephone Ringing] Thank you for calling "Girls | of Many Nations" party line. For hot-blooded | Italian wildcats, press one now. For perky American cheerleaders, | press two now. For a busty Swedish love goddess, | press three now. - [Single Tone] | - Another customer for Inga. Don't you dare | talk to that man! [Swedish Accent] | Hello, this is Inga. Oh, hello, Paul. | How are you? Oh! [Giggles] Tell me, | Paul, do you have Mastercard? If you don't hang up that phone, | I will flush it down the toilet! Uh, no, Paul. | Call me later, please. What's the matter with you? | This is my business. You are not only a con man, | you get your cousin Loretta... - To help you by talkin' dirty? | Shame on you! | - Granny! You mad 'cause you can't show my picture | around the pool no more, Grandma? Of course not. Look what these arthritic hands | have been doin'. - Oh... | - Don't "oh." What are you "oh-ing"? Thomas Jefferson Johnson. | Why you keep usin' my middle name? It sound like a tap dancer | or somethin'. Make me proud of you, Thomas. | Make me proud of the name you carry. I'm Ned Grable, Vice President | and General Manager of WFL. We think Mrs. Jeff Johnson | did the right thing... in not running for the congressional | seat left vacant by her husband's death. Jeff Johnson's name | may still be magic, but it'll take more than | the magic of name recognition... to solve our region's problems. I'm Ned Grable. Name recognition. Lordy, what a notion. People would have to be | some kind of boobs... just to vote for somebody | because their name was Johnson. I remember once back in Georgia. | They even elected a dead man. His name was still | on the ballot and... folks were just | used to voting for him. [Loretta] | Okay. Bye-bye. My friends, I wanna | tell y'all about a town... where the streets | are paved with gold. I'm talkin' about a town | where the marks will take you | to dinner after you fuck 'em. I'm talkin' about a place that, | when they run outta money, | they just print some more. In this town, a cat bounced 900 checks, | didn't even have to go to jail. - You mean "Las Begas." | - No, not "Las Begas." No, honey, he's talkin' | about Washington, D.C. l... You all ready for this? I am running for Congress. - What is this, a joke? | - What's the con, T? Yeah, I don't get it, man. - Yo, man, Van Dyke. | - Yeah. - You remember Willie Sutton? | - My hero. What did Willie Sutton say when they | asked him how come he robbed banks? - That's where the money is. | - Exactly. Washington, D.C. | That's where the money is. Listen, I have been doin' some research. | I've been to the library. - [Laughing] | - Why you laughing? Congressmen, | when they get elected, they get $130,000 a year. | That's their base salary. But then they have these things | called "PACs." Okay, political | action committees, right? Then there's these lobbyists. | The lobbyists' whole point in life | is to buy you off. They buy you off | and it's totally legal. It's the con of a lifetime, | and I know we can do this shit. Who "we," white man? Us! We! Us! If I get elected, | I gotta have a staff. I'm gonna get a staff allowance. | It says here that new Congress... - You get a staff allowance of $537,000. | - [Armando] Ooh! - Damn! | - Senor! I get that kinda cash, I'm splitting it | up with my homies and my homette. How exactly are you gonna | get your butt to Congress? Yeah, T. Why the hell | would anybody vote for you? It's not like they're voting for me. | They're voting for name recognition. The congressman here | was Jeff Johnson. My middle name is Jefferson, | last name is Johnson. Cut off the Thomas, | shorten the Jefferson, Jeff John... nobody knows that | their congressman is dead. Who knows that Jeff is dead? | He's a congressman. Who cares? If I get on the ballot as Jeff Johnson, | nobody's gonna know. Well, how you gonna | get on the ballot? That's where you all | come into play. My friends, I need, uh, | [Chuckling]... I need, uh, | 5,625 signatures. - [Laughing] | - I knew this "we" shit had a catch. Hey, man, you all | got a better plan? I do. Who are these "Silver Foxes"? | Old people who just like to vote? It's a political party. | The big thing is, they got | their own line on the ballot. They already got the signatures. - May I help you? | - Uh, good afternoon. - We have an appointment | to see Hattie Rifkin. | - Right. You wanna talk politics? | Talk. Uh, we was wonderin', who you gonna | run for Congress this year? Ah, the usual sacrificial lamb. Probably Sylvia Roland. | She just lost her husband. She needs to meet new people. | Why? Miss Rifkin. I'd like to run | on the Silver Foxes' ticket. I believe and care | about you and your issues. That's what my son says, | but does he call? What makes you think | a group of alter kakers... is gonna support a man who hasn't | clipped his first nose hair yet? Because I can win. No, no. A Republican can win. | A Democrat can win. A Silver Fox can only make | a symbolic point. Mrs. Rifkin, if you get me on | the Silver Foxes' ballot line, - And if you give me the support... | - Lf, if. And di bubbeh volt gehat baitzim, | volt zi geven a zeyde. But got haste oykh | cane naar nit zine. - [Chuckling] | - Uh, what's all this? Oh, she just said that if my grandmother | had balls, she'd be my grandfather. And I told her that God | never told nobody to be stupid. Where the hell did you learn | to speak Yiddish? [Yiddish Accent] | I learned it from Morris Elfbein, | da gin king of Miami Beach. He taught me that | and he also taught me... you don't always have to have | the best cards to win the hand. Maybe not in gin, but in politics, | young man, you need money to win. You need a name to win. | You need... - I do have a name. | - What, you're an athlete? - You're not on MTV, are you? | - My name is Johnson. Jeff Johnson. | The name you know. Jeff Johnson? Well, that's a name even our | Alzheimer's group will remember. I'm not quite sure I understand, | Professor Franklin. You did your doctoral thesis | on my husband? Yes, Mrs. Johnson. | Your husband was a very great man. He did so much to help my people. I remember the time he said | that welfare is a drug... and you have to kick it | like cold turkey. And at the time, I was on welfare | and I did just that. It inspired me to get on with | my life. Very inspirational. Yes, well, really, | I'm sure if he were alive... I was actually in the audience one day | when he looked out and he said, "If you people'd just get off | your dead asses and go look for work, maybe America can be a decent place | to live in again." That inspired me. | My God, it made me move my ass. And I have a poster | of that on my wall, and I show it to all my relatives | and friends and Negroes. Really, well. It's kind of you to come | all the way from... Where was it? The Wilson Pickett State, uh, | Teachers' College, ma'am. But I didn't just come here to pay | my respects to your husband. I came here because, because | your husband deserves an archive... where students | can study his legacy. - So you want his papers. | - Not just his papers, ma'am. I would like all buttons | and posters and bumper stickers... and all the campaign paraphernalia | you can spare, ma'am. I know you may have | a sentimental attachment to | a lot of these things and you... - Take 'em. | - Pardon me? Take 'em all. Do you want | the wedding photos too? - Oh, I don't know | if I think that's necessary. | - That's lucky. So you won't have to go | rooting around in the garbage. - Oh. Hmm. | - Hmm. You're in pretty good shape | for a professor. Do you work out? Uh, why, yes. Do you? Why, yes. Hmm. [Van Dyke] | Are you sure you don't wanna come | to Washington with us, Homer? No, I got a business to run. - Bye-bye. | - [Telephone Ringing] Hello. Who? League of Women Voters. No, | Mr. Johnson will not attend the debate. No, I'm sorry, Betty. I cannot | tie up this line. Thank you. - [Ringing] | - Hello? Star-Ledger. No, we're fresh out | of photographs of Mr. Johnson. No, you can't. He's just had surgery | for a deviated septum. Yeah, thank you. - [Ringing] | - Hello? [Swedish Accent] | Ja, this is Inga. [Thomas Using "White" Accent] | Cast your vote for Jeff Johnson. Good old Jeff, | the name that you can trust. The name that you know. | Jeff Johnson. [Chinese Accent] Why you no vote | Jeff Johnson? He the name you know. Go down vote for Jeff. | Jeff Johnson, the name you know. [Homeboy Accent] Hey, you, eatin' | the greens, and you on the corn bread. Put that down and cast your vote | for Jeff Johnson, the name you know. You know it's good. Jeff is good, | just like them greens. Jeff and greens. When you think greens, | think Jeff Johnson. [Yiddish Accent] In this meshugeneh | world, you wanna vote for Jeff Johnson. I don't know why I gotta drive | through here and tell you this. | You should know who to vote for. Put a vote in for Jeff | because he's a good person. What, are you crazy? ["White" Accent] We're not gonna | show you Jeff Johnson waving a flag, and we're not gonna show you | Jeff Johnson kissing babies. We're not gonna show you | Jeff Johnson doing anything | because you already know... what Jeff Johnson can do. Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson, | the name you know. - That sound white enough? | - That was very white. Yeah. That's chilling, actually. | Almost scared myself. Fantastic. Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson, | the name you know. Who do we vote for | for Congress? - Don't we always vote for Johnson? | - Ah, that's it, Johnson. If you're just joining us, | our exit polls project that in Florida, an unknown independent candidate, | whose sole asset appears to be his name, may just possibly win | a slim victory. [Cheering, Whistling] ## [Calypso Version Of | "Happy Days Are Here Again"] Is that him? Is that him? Uh, Patricia, I believe | that Congressman-Elect Johnson | has just arrived. [Armando] | Excuse me, please. Coming through. [Homer] | We need to get through, please. - Come on. Come on. | - Coming through. Thank you. [Man] | Congratulations! [Cheering] [Thomas] | Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hey! [Whistling] | Hey, thank you! Thank you so much! | People, we ran a positive campaign. We campaigned on the issue. The issue is change. Change for the future. The people have spoken! Ask not what your country | can do for you. You have nothing to fear | but fear itself. If you can't stand the heat, | get out of the kitchen. Live free or die. And in conclusion, | read my lips. [Cheering] Mira, mira, mira. The promised land. [P.A. Announcer] | Continental flight 228 to Chicago... Congressman Johnson. | Congressman Johnson, Arthur Reinhardt. You don't remember me. - I was Congressman Johnson's | administrative assistant. | - Yes. I Fed Ex'ed all that material | to you down in Florida. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. | Well, you know. You look just like | I thought you would look. You see his little | wing-tip shoes on? Oh, l... Thank you. Congressman, I hope you don't think | I'm outta line for meeting you here. I just thought you might need help with | logistics, settling in at your hotel. Since you didn't make it to the Harvard | seminar for freshmen congressmen, I took the liberty of putting together | a set of their papers for you. Thank you for your initiative, | but I gotta admit to you, I've | never been much of a student. But you can brief | my staff on that, you know. Uh, staff, what hotel | are we staying at? - You book the hotel? | - No. Talk to him. - You book the hotel? | - What hotel? Nobody told me | about no damn hotel. Uh, is, uh, staff... obviously failed to nail | some vital details, so... Oh, geez, | the world bank's in town. Where we gonna find you a room? Hey, I kick your ass. You have to be firm | with the staff sometimes. [P.A. Announcer] Continental | flight 228 to Chicago O'Hare is now... I got lucky at the Hay-Adams. - There was a coup in Uruguay. | - Que? - What? | - Uruguay. Anyway, their delegation | just checked out. You're a wizard, Reinhardt, and I knew | we could count on you. Let's go. - Hey, you got that? | - Yes, sir. [Loretta] | Careful with that bag. Don't throw it in there like that. | I paid too much for that bag. - Say, Congressman? | - Yo. I'd like to ask you something. I would appreciate it if you | would consider me to be your A.A. Oh, that's very nice of you. | That's a very decent gesture. But yo, man, listen. | I'm a social drinker. I don't really hit | the bottle very much. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Uh, administrative assistant. - Oh! | - As you know, I used to work | for Congressman Johnson. And I would like to work for you, | Congressman Johnson. So it would be sorta like an affirmative | action sorta thing. [Chuckles] Only kidding. I got your resume. | I'll call you, okay? - I'll look forward to hearing from you? | - Look forward to talking to you. [Giddy Chuckle] Ooh, baby! [Secretary] | Congressman Corman's office. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. [Chuckling] [Elevator Bell Rings] - Members only. | - Oh, we're going up to | Congressman Johnson's office. I hate to be the one to tell you, | but Congressman Johnson died. I'm the new congressman. I'm Congressman | Johnson and this is my staff. I'm sorry, Congressman. | I didn't see your pin. In fact, I still | don't see your pin. - What pin? | - Your member-of-Congress pin. - I'm gonna have to look you up. | - I'm in the book under Johnson. | Thomas Johnson. - Congressman. | - [Giggling] Thomas Jefferson Johnson. - Yeah, I'm the man. | - No picture available. Oh, wait a second. I have my driver's | license with me. Got a picture in late. Here it... | If I can get it out. - Driver's license. | - Oh. See? Same cat. How could I ever have doubted you? | Where to? We're going up to 518. Well, the elevator | only goes to four. You'll have | to take the stairs from there. Are you gonna be grabbin' my ass | like old Congressman Johnson? Oh, no. I would | never grab your ass. Well, you said that awful fast. | What's wrong with my ass? Oh, there's nothing | wrong with your ass. I'm just, you know, I'm just, what, | I'm, I'm the new congressman, and I won't be doin' none | of those things he did. I ain't gonna grab nobody's old ass. | I mean, I ain't gonna grab nobody's ass. You know? Hey, I think we | on the fourth floor. I'll grab it. [Elevator Bell Ringing] Stairs are to the right. | Enjoy. Later, baby. Wait here a second. Good morning, Congressman. What is this shit-hole? | Look at this place. What is this? Oh, um... you missed | the freshman lottery for offices. They assign them by draw. You didn't show for the draw, | so you got the worst office in Congress. What lottery? | I missed a lottery? It was all in those briefing books | I mailed you. What else have we missed here? Are you hiring me, Congressman? - It's a shakedown. | - Excuse me? Oh, ho-ho-ho! You're shaking | me down, aren't you? Okay, I'm gonna love this town. Okay, I've been here five minutes | and you're already shaking me down. All right, you're hired. Listen, fill me in on everything | 'cause I don't wanna miss the good shit. ## [Classical] [Indistinct Chatter] - Let's go meet the natives. | - Yeah. [Thomas] Can you be | a little more elegant than that? Shakin' your ass and shit. Hey, how ya doin'? | Thomas Johnson. Rafe Simon, freshman from Tulsa. | And this is... - Bo Chandler from, uh... | - Lufkin, Texas. Great party. You're Jeff Johnson, | the guy from Florida. Yeah, that's me. You know, the rest of us were | out there on the campaign trail, raising money, kissing ass, | making speeches, dragging | our butts from place to place. And he slides in | on pure name recognition. Let me tell you something, Jeff. Fuckin' brilliant! I thought I was gonna have to kick | somebody's... Okay. Hey, no, I'm sorry. Thanks a lot. | And don't call me Jeff. Jeff is my working name. | My name is Thomas, and this | is my cousin, Miss Loretta. How do you do? How do you do? | [Laughing] What were you guys before you | got elected? Lawyers or something? Oh, hey, no. I did morning weather | and traffic for KTOK in Tulsa. - Oh. [Laughing] | - [Chandler] You don't remember me? Tight end for the Oilers? | My knee gimped out on me? Oh, yes! Oh, hey, man. | I was wonderin' what happened to you. - Why don't you stop by my reception? | - Yeah, but don't go... to his reception before | you go to my reception. I'm gonna be offended | if you don't come by my reception. - Okay. | - [Thomas] Okay. I guess you're gonna | have to have a reception. Yes, I guess we'll have | to have something. Shit, I don't know nothin' | about no reception. You know what I love about this town? | The way everybody call you a member. Every time I hear that, | it make me think about Mister Happy. - [Laughing] | - Hey, hey! Watch them sprinklets, man! He's | laughin' and piss shootin' everyplace. I got a sprinkler too now. | Back at ya! - Ow! | - All right, then. - Mike Hoyt, lowa. | - Thomas Johnson, Florida. So how'd you wind up in D.C., lowa? | You do the crop report | on TV or somethin'? No, actually, I owe it all | to the Vietnamese. Oh, you're a war hero. P.O.W. When I got back | to Cedar Rapids, I spent so many years telling the Rotary | Club what was wrong in Washington... they finally told me to either | put up or shut up. Ha! So I put up, and here I am. What are you talkin' about? | What's wrong with Washington? | Washington's great! Oh, come on. We got acid rain | killing fish and nobody's stopping it. There's topsoil being washed away. | No erosion programs. - Why, there's chemicals | in the livestock that... | - We might have some luck. My God, I sound like a boy scout. | [Laughing] No, actually, that's nice. This town | could use a few geeks like you. - Hi. | - Pete Slocum, Asbestos | Information Institute. How are ya, Pete? | Nice to meet ya. Ken Korngold, National | Distilled Spirits Association. - Very good to meet you, Ken. | - Nice to meet you. - Paul Zeckhauser, American | Tobacco Council. [Coughing] | - How are you, Paul? I hope you can all come to my reception. | You know Miss Loretta from my office. - Hi. Hello. | - Terry Corrigan. Soon as I saw how you got elected, | I knew you were a real comer. Hell, I bet Olaf Andersen | voted for you. I don't know. | Who's Olaf Andersen? Won't tell him you asked. | Fella on the left up there. Chairman, Gulf Coast Power. Constituent of yours, | client of mine. Pays the rent, | know what I mean? Say, could I host a "welcome | to Washington" fund-raiser for you, down at my law firm | on K Street? - Absolutely. | - At $500 a head, you could pick up 20, 25 grand | to help you get started. [Nervous Laugh] And how much of that | are you gonna get? It doesn't come off the top. Down the road, | I'll bill each of them 500 an hour | whenever I take you to lunch. You know, Terry, you and I | are gonna be so close. I wanna welcome | the new members to Washington. We haven't had a freshman class | this big in a long time. [Laughing] Well, Congress needs your new blood, and | you in turn are gonna need new friends. That's why, tonight, we unite | the two great pillars of our system. Political and financial. Now, you know, Congress | has taken many hits of late. But, Congressmen, | look around you. The people you see here tonight | are the ones that have stood behind us. And they are the ones that will be | invaluable to you in your next campaign, which I might remind you | is less than two years away. Now this is our system of checks | and balances at its very finest. Dick Dodge, from your home state. | Gonna run for speaker. Raises more money | than any other member. But, of course, | he's on the right committee, - Which makes all the difference. | - Yeah, of course. But I'm not telling you anything | you don't already know. No, he's on the right committee, so | I guess that makes all the difference. Not just on the committee. | He's chairman of it. The big boys have to line up | to take numbers... to throw money his way. - Your friends can always call on you. | - No shit. [Woman] | Thank you very much. [Dodge] | Oh, uh, Mr. Johnson? You know, it's customary | for the new members... to pay a visit on us old fogies | in the leadership, especially | from your home state. Well, I would have, but I | just got in town. I'm sorry, man. You know, you can make up for it | by having a nightcap with me. - Oh, absolutely. | - Can I have my car take you home? Uh, excuse me, Mr. Chairman, but you ain't about to start no homo | shit, are you? 'Cause I ain't with it. - Oh? | - Hey. No! But that's good thinking, Thomas. | I'm impressed by your instincts. I didn't wanna | have to whup your ass. - [Laughing] | - You know what I mean? Tell me, Mr. Johnson, | why'd you come to Washington? Well, of course, it's an opportunity | to do something for my country, and... Now let's just cut the bullshit. I saw how you got elected. Now flukes like you are either | nut cases or troublemakers. I just wanna know which one | I've got on my hands. Why did you run for Congress? - No bullshit? | - No bullshit. We got this whole | topsoil problem... and, uh, acid rain | is killing cattle. - [Pounding At Door] | - What? Yes? What? What? - What? | - [Thomas] Einhardt! Wake up! [Pounding Continues] What is the name of that committee | Dick Dodge is chairman of? - Congressman, this is a surprise. | - Come on, man, spit it out. - What's the name of the committee? | - Uh... Uh... Come on, come on, come on. | What is it? Uh... oh. | Power and Industry. - Is something wrong with the hotel? | - No. Tell me about this Power and Industry. | I heard it's really good. - This is a good thing, right? | - Yes, they call it "the honey pot." Each member is constantly being lobbied | by every cash-rich trade group in town. Oh, it's 2:40 a.m. | Did you realize that? Ah, man, forget that! | We're public servants. Time ain't supposed to mean | nothin' to us, right? - How do I get on this committee? | - Um, that would be seniority. Uh, after six terms in office, uh, say, 12 years of service, your name moves along the list | and before you know it, you're off the Fisheries committee | and on to Power and Industry. - Can this wait? I'm much | more coherent in the morning. | - No, you're doin' fine. But I need to know how I can get | on this committee, like, immediately. Okay, okay. | All right, all right. Uh, immediately. Immediately. - Within, say, your next four years? | - No, no, no, no. Immediately, | like in my first four days. Now you're a smart guy. | That's why I hired you. You might be standin' here | in these fire engine boxer shorts, but I have faith in you. | I'm countin' on you. - Talk to me, Reinhardt. | - Yes, thank you. I don't think | it's possible, sir. It would be unprecedented | for a freshman congressman... to be put onto that committee. Unless... Well, only in the most remote, hypo... | hypothetical situation. Yes? - This is ridiculous, right? | - For instance? Well, if the, uh, President | of the United States... were to do you a personal favor. Or, uh, some enormously powerful | special interest group. Chairman Dodge, please. Will you tell him that it's Mr. Joshua | Benjamin from the NAACP on the line? No, ma'am, actually, you'll | be of a great deal of help. I have a few minor questions. | I would like to know... how many members of the chairman's | committee are African-Americans. None. Well, I'm sure you have | a Latino member on the committee. No Latinos either. Does the chairman have any Asians or | any Native Americans on the committee? No Asians and no natives. Does the chairman have any handicaps | or gays on the committee? No gays. Well, you've been | of a great deal of help. Just forget I even called. | Just tell him I said hi. Okay, um, Armando, Van Dyke, | you guys are up next. I'll go hit 'em with | the Urban League right away. Fine. And I'll be the conference of | Southern Baptist Bishops. [Chuckling] What do you want me to do? Oh, hi. We haven't met yet. I'm Loretta Hicks. | Congressman Johnson's office? Oh, hi. I'm Kimberly Meadows. | I work for Chairman Dodge. Power and Industry. | How'd you get that job? I used to serve under | the other Congressman Johnson, so I had the right experience. Well, I hope you haven't | been bothered by the pickets. What pickets? Oh. Did, did I let | the cat out of the bag? - Are we gonna be picketed? | - Look, you've got to promise... not to say where | you heard this from. - Not even my congressman knows. | - I promise. Okay. My boyfriend works | at the Rainbow Coalition, and he said... [Telephone Ringing] [Telephone Ringing] Congressman Johnson's office. | Chairman Dodge? Yes. Okay. That was Dodge. | He wants to see you pronto. So we still haven't | lost our touch. Asi. He should be back in a moment, | Congressman Johnson. [Thomas] | Oh! They're here now. - We haven't met. Eli Hawkins. | - How ya doin'? Brother Eli. Yeah. All right. - All right. Thomas Johnson. | - Yes, I know. The Florida upset. Now that you're here, | what are you gonna do with it? You gonna feather your own nest, or are | you gonna make something of your office? Hey, I'm gonna be as good a congressmen | as anybody else up here, all right? Exactly what does that mean? Well, uh, ever since | I got back from, from 'Nam... I personally wanna do something | about the rain forests. Well, do me a favor. Don't tell me. | I've just had my lunch. Eli, you're gonna | have to excuse us. Thomas and I | are late for a meeting. Come on in. What's his problem? Uh, Mr. Chairman, I have been meaning | to ask your advice about something. I'm always available | to a young man from my state. Great. It's about | committee assignments. Now that's interesting. That's just | the thing I had in mind. Go ahead. For the last two days, | I have been getting approached... by a bunch of chairmen | from different committees. I've been approached by the people | from Foreign Affairs. I've been approached by the people | from Ways and Means and Armed Services. They all want me on their committees | and I don't know why. - I'll be damned! | - You can understand my dilemma, | 'cause it's like, with Foreign Affairs, you get to | fly off to Paris whenever you want. With Armed Services, | they got bases all over the globe. Son, are you familiar with | my committee? Power and Industry? Oh, yeah. But, uh, it's not as well | known as these other committees. Well, maybe not, but you've | been very frank with me. I'm gonna be | extremely frank with you. These other committees, | they're nickel-and-dime stuff. Power and Industry, | think of what we cover. Energy, transportation, | insurance, the environment. Hell, son, there's no better | committee on the Hill. That is, if you're interested | in fund-raising. I am, very much. It's just that these | other chairmen made pretty strong cases. These other chairmen | aren't from your home state. Hmm. They're not offering | to take you under their wing. - Look out for your future. | - And you are? Hell yes, I am. Oh, well, I'm very flattered, | Mr. Chairman. Dick. - Well, I'm very flattered, Mr. Dick. | - No, no, no, no. - Oh, I'm sorry, Chairman Dick. | - No, Dick. Just Dick. - Oh, Dick. Just plain old Dick. | - Yeah. Fine. I know you don't | get something for nothing. | What do you want from me, Dick? [Chuckles] Well, son, | I want an able lieutenant. And I want you to smile | for the cameras. Skeeter, you know Thomas Johnson, | the new member of the committee? Thomas, this is | Barclay Warburton. - How are you, Barclay? | - Skeeter, please. - Been called that since boarding school. | - Oh, sorry, man. - Cheers. | - Yeah, cheers. Skeeter. Thomas, please. Been called that | since reform school. This EPA oversight hearing | of the committee on Power | and Industry will come to order. I would like to welcome | our first witness, the distinguished administrator | of the Environmental Protection Agency. But before I do, | I would like to note that we | have a new member joining us today. The distinguished gentleman | from Florida. [Photographer] Congressman Johnson? | Sir, can we get a shot, please? - Thank you. | - How am I doing? Great. Great. Well, Mike, enjoy | those hors d'oeuvres. [Indistinct Chatter] Hi. My name is Miss Loretta, | and I'd like it... very much if you'd sign | one of these little name tags. That would be just nice. It's an informal breakfast. You give us | your point of view, we give you, uh, bacon and eggs | plus a $2,000 honorarium. For your favorite charity, | of course. The Thomas Jefferson Johnson | Foundation. Oh, okay. An honorarium. I like the way that sounds. [Man] Excuse me. | Nice to see you. [Thomas] | Excuse me a second. - Hi. | - Hello. - How are you? Very nice | to meet you, Miss Celia Kirby. | - Good, thank you. It's a extremely beautiful name | for an extremely beautiful woman. Well, my, that was very smooth. You know, after about ten hours | straight on my feet, making small talk, breathing in | that cheap cigar smoke, that is exactly the kind of line | I'm ready to fall for. - [Chuckling] Slow down, okay? | - Sure. Tell me, which one of these guys | is Congressman Johnson? - You're looking for the congressman? | - Yes. How would you feel if I told you | I was the congressman? Aha! - Oh, duh! | - I'm so sorry. Would you give me two seconds to take | my foot out of my mouth, please? Take all the time you need. | Can we start over again? Yes, Celia Kirby, | Legislative Director of Pro Bono. Celia kirby from Pro Bono! | Very nice to meet you. - Yes. | - Would you tell me something? Are all the pro bonettes | as fine as you? Pro Bono is a public interest | research and advocacy group. I'd be delighted to brief you | on our priorities this session. Do you think, perhaps, I could call | your A.A. and be put on your schedule? - Call my A.A.? | - Yes. No, you don't have to call my A.A. | Why don't we do this? Why don't we, say now, go out to | dinner? You can brief me at dinner. I'd like an appointment, | Congressman, not a date. We could write it up | as an appointment, but we'll have, like, | flowers and dinner, a mandolin, and it'll be | a "floral" appointment. It was a pleasure | to meet you, Congressman. | I will be in touch with your staff. There's one other thing. | I'm particularly interested... in hearing your view on extending | the sexual harassment law | to include congressmen. Oh. I get it. Can we turn the A.C. down, please? Thank you. Uh, I have a confession to make. | I don't know very much about poultry. But I do know people, and I like you people. | I really do. And if you people come to me | and you say to me... that you have something to say | important about poultry, I'm gonna listen. | Thank you very much. Thank you for seeing us. | We won't take up much of your time. - This is Ira Schecter, | our research director. | - Hi, Ira, how are you? This is Mr. Reinhardt. | You remember him? Come sit next to me | and have this chitchat. I've been dying to talk to you | about these issues. Sit, everybody, sit. | Come on. - All right. | - We can take as long as we want. Congressman, you do have | several people waiting. - No, no, they can wait. | - They can wait. What are you doing standing, Ira? | Sit down, Ira! Uh, sure. Well... [Clears Throat] | These are issue papers. - Ah. | - This session we're | targeting child safety, auto insurance premiums | and food additives. Certainly, as the votes come up, you'll | be hearing plenty from the other side. We simply would like a fair shot | at making our case too. - Absolutely. | - Absolutely. Okay, now, let's talk about car | insurance. What are you paying, Ira? - Me? Oh. | - [Thomas] Yes. Uh, well, I have an '82 | Dodge Dart and, uh, I pay about $650 a year, | or so. Six hundred fifty dollars? | Man, that's highway robbery. A chop shop wouldn't give you more | than 230 on a junker like that. Or so I've heard. Hey, look, | I'm flying blind here. What we need to do is for you | to put together a little package. Put a package together | for me and we'll sit down. We'll block aside two Saturday evenings | and we can discuss it then. Well, I don't see any problem | with arranging that. Once again, you've been more than | generous with your time, Congressman. What are you doin'? | I clear my whole calendar and you're | in and outta here in five minutes? Look, sit down. | We haven't discussed child safety yet. Ira, sit. I'm gonna slap you. | Sit. Come on, down. Sit down! Let's finish talking. | Let's talk about child safety now. This is an important issue. | Child safety. Well, we are sponsoring a bill imposing | safety standards on imported toys. Great. I hate imported toys. | Hate 'em. I wish they didn't exist. | Especially those little baseball men... with the springs in their neck that do | this. What is that? Fuck that, right? - Fuck that. | - [Thomas] Yeah, I hate that. Why don't we do this? Like I said, | put the package together. We'll block aside a couple of Saturday | evenings and we can discuss it... - And you can take me | through all the ins and outs. | - "Ins and outs"? I'd like to do | more money for you, but first I've got to get | your positions on a few issues. Now where are you | on sugar price supports? - Sugar price supports. | - Hmm? - Where should I be, Terry? | - Shit, it makes no difference to me. If you're for 'em, I got money | for you from my sugar producers | in Louisiana and Hawaii. If you're against 'em, I got money | for you from the candy manufacturers. - You pick. | - Let's say... for. Yeah, for. For. How about putting limits | on malpractice awards? Oh, you tell me. If you're for 'em, I got money from | the doctors and insurance companies. If you're against 'em, | I got money from the trial lawyers. - Let's put you down as against. | - Yeah, you know what? | Put me down for against. How about pizza? Oh, no, this salad | is gonna be enough for me. Not for lunch, old buddy. | For PAC money. You thought I was serious? | I was fuckin' with you. - Well, you are. You are! | - Fuckin' with you. Uh, duh! Terry, tell me something. With all this money | comin' in from both sides, how could anything | possibly ever get done? It doesn't. | That's the genius of the system. [Thomas, Terry Laugh] Hey, baby, put down nuclear | power for ten G's. Mambo! [Loretta] | Cool! Yeah, the congressman's | gonna be out your way next week. Mr. Willie? Congressman Johnson | calling. Can you take his call? Thank you. Please hold. A-one, a-two... Yes, Mr. Brown. | Uh-huh, on the 30th. We were wondering whether | you aerospace people... might want to lay on a luncheon | so that you can hear his views. I'm sorry, Mr. Willie. | He just picked up another call. I know why he was calling you. He hasn't | heard from you about his fund-raiser. A thousand dollars a head? | A whole table! Lovely. Yeah. Well, now, what kind of | a contribution to his foundation | were you folks thinking about? Now, we'll have a little | huntin' in the morning, little fishin' in the afternoon, clean air, beautiful scenery. All to work up a good appetite, | 'cause we got a fine French chef... back at the lodge | flown in special. Oh! That's very, very nice. - You don't want anything from us? | - We would enjoy the opportunity... to share our views. You see, we feel that the semiautomatic | weapon's gotten a bad rap. Now, the gun control nuts try to make | out that they're for drug dealers only. But, uh, really, they're just guns | for the ordinary sportsman. [Chuckling] | Nothin' like a nice, warm Uzi. [Duck Call Quacking] [Duck Call Continues] [Quacking] Yee-hee! Must have had a heart attack. Aaah! And according to the 1988 study, | it showed eight per 100,000. - Am I losing you on these | mortality rates, Congressman? | - No, not at all. I was, uh, I was just wondering | how much of this is a statutory problem, - And how much of it is a regulatory one. | - Mmm, mm-hmm. - Didn't the Merton Act | cover most of this? | - Excellent point. Excellent point. | Let me check something out. Excuse me. You're absolutely right. Maybe we could get them | to amend Merton. Oh, get 'em to amend it. Yes! Get 'em to amend it, huh? | Well, "For Merton to apply, you have to show high contagion. It sounds to me like | your contagion... rates... are no higher | than the common clod." "Cold." "Common cold." Excuse me a second. Arthur! - Ow! | - What were we talking about? How'd you wind up hustling for pro bono | instead of pesticides anyway? - 'Cause you could have | been a big-time lawyer. | - I was for a while. - But it depressed me. | - What could be depressing | about makin' $100,000 a year? - I know you gotta get sick | of losin' all the time. | - Of course I do. Mainly it makes me angry, | and the anger keeps me going. Of course I'd like to win a few | and I'm not allergic to money either. - So why are you doin' it? | - Hey. It's so embarrassing to come | right out and say why I do it. - Why? | - It's embarrassing for me to say. - I just feel... | - Stop! What? Meaning! My life has to mean something. So now I have a question for you. I'd like to know how you | got named after a memorial. Oh. | [Chuckling] My grandmother liked Jefferson. | You know, "life, liberty | and the pursuit of happiness." You know, | old black folks' thing. There's a lot to live up to, so I | kinda specialize in one portion of that. That's the pursuit | of happiness. - And how's it going? | - Um. - Honestly? | - Mm-hmm. I was goin' real good | 'til I met you. Now, the better I do, | the worse I feel. Isn't that strange? Mmm, when can I see you again? | Let's go to dinner Saturday night. - How about Sunday morning? | - Oh, oh, brunch? The wages of sin is death! And to the man who values | gold over goodness, the Lord allows no exemptions. - [Congregation] Amen. | - Amen. And to the man | who shows no respect... for the privilege | of walking this Earth, the Lord allows no deductions. - Amen. | - And to the man whose | pockets are bulging... and whose soul is empty, the Lord grants | no 90-day extension. And when the last trump sounds, believe me, | you will be audited. This is a wonderful date. Oh, darling, | I'm glad you could make it! Oh, I love that sermon, | Uncle Eli. This is your uncle? Yes, my niece tells me you're | not half as slimy as I thought. That puts you somewhere between a lizard | and a toad. Quite a step up, huh? Thank you very much. Forgive me for staring. I don't know | how I missed the family resemblance. She's you in a skirt. [TV Announcer]... trailing by 13 | as we begin the second half. [Man] Yeah, I guess we're | all bringin' our wives. Al, you gonna bring your wife, | ain't ya? [Al Chuckling] | You bet. [TV Continues Indistinct] Uh-huh. Uh. [TV Continues Indistinct] Oh, I slipped. - Ellie. | - How ya doin', Thomas? I need your help | on the ethics bill, Leon. - I want you to cosponsor my amendments. | - You make a persuasive case, Eli. But that wasn't a yes. I promise to give it | the attention it deserves. - Better luck next time, son. | - Yeah, man, you're so good. | He's so good. He took $600 off you | that last hand, didn't he? - He took a real shinin' to me. | - If I didn't know any better, I'd say you lost to him | on purpose. There's nothin' wrong with lettin' | the head of the ethics committee... roll ya every now and then. You know, you're gonna fit in | real good around here. Too good. How come you never ask me | to help you out with your amendments? Oh, come on, Thomas. | Give it a rest. Everybody knows | you're Dick Dodge's boy. Hey, man, I ain't | nobody's boy, all right? Don't waste your outrage on me. | I know what ya are. - I am no different than | anybody else up here, okay? | - That's not true. You see, some people here actually do | something besides saving their own ass. You know, just then you | reminded me of my father. Did I really? How so? He used to say I was a scumbag too. [Bell Ringing] Aren't you going to vote? Is that what that means? | You know, all this time I've | been listenin' to that shit, thinkin' it was time for | Final Jeopardy or somethin'. [Chuckling] [Indistinct Chatter] - [Thomas] Excuse me. | - Excuse me, Congressman. - I'm Mrs. Koslowski. | - Hi, I'm leaving. We were just learning how a bill | becomes a law. Was that a vote? Yes, that was a vote in there. | Oh! Oh! Yes, that was a vote. | A vote was made. Bye-bye. - And what did you vote? | - Ah, I voted nay. It was a terrible bill and it would have | destroyed the fabric of American life. What was the vote on? [Chuckling] | Rafe! Rafe, will you talk to these nice | people. Explain to them about the vote. Well, it was a motion on the | previous question on the rule. No, it was a motion | on the recommitment... of the rule of the motion | of the previous question. - Which means? | - Clean air. School lunches. Ah, you see the difficult choices | we have to make here, kids, between clean air | and school lunches, okay? That's why I want to be the education | congressman. See, 'cause I feel... that American students should be able to | eat lunch and breathe at the same time. And I see an America where | there's no such thing... as a student | who is below average. And I think it is wrong when students | have to stay up late at night... and miss all the good shows | doing homework. Then get up early in the mornin' | and go to school. This sort of thing just is not fair. [Cheering] - Uh, good morning. May I help you? | - Yes, I'm Ellen Juba. - This is my daughter, Mickey. | - Hi. We'd like to see our congressman. | We live in the district. Just a moment, please. Ah, could you come out? | Thank you. Be right with you. | I like your hat. How do you do? I'm Miss Loretta, | public liaison for the congressman. Ellen Juba, my daughter, Mickey. | We'd like to see him. Y'all from the district? | Up here seeing the sights? How'd you folks like some | gallery passes? Go listen | to the great debates of our day. We don't wanna go to the gallery. | We wanna see Congressman Johnson. Well, how about a house key ring? | For each of you? Here, see that? Isn't that | something? Turns into a pen. I don't think you understand. | We're not tourists. We're constituents. You're not with some organization, | are you, honey? I'm a goddamn citizen. | Isn't that enough? Do you have an appointment? No, I do not have | an appointment, because y'all | keep givin' me the runaround. Well, I'm sorry, but the congressman | is a very busy man. Now, if you'd like to discuss it | with me, I will personally... go over the issue with him | and get a letter out to you. We're not leaving here | until we see him. Armando, would you come out front? | We have a situation. You stop palming me off | on your flunkies. Are you gonna go in there | and tell him we're out here... or am I gonna go in there | and tell him myself? - Excuse me, may I help you, please? | - Yes, you can. - I would like to see | my congressman, please. | - He's not here today. - I bet he is here. Excuse me. | - No, no, please, lady. - No, you just let me by! | - No, don't push. Okay. Ya! Ya! - [Indistinct Shouting] | - I am sick of this! I am fed up! - I have every right! Let go of her! | - Hey! Oh, baby. Come on, Mama. Let's go. Hey. What happened to you? The doctor says they got it all. | I'm gonna be okay. I was lucky, but, | but there are others. - What others? | - Other kids. They call it | a cancer cluster. At first, none of us in the neighborhood | wanted to believe it. But then we all saw it. For me, it was when the two-year-old | across the street... developed a brain tumor | same as Mickey's. We looked at everything: | the water, the air, dump sites. Insects, you name it. And then we realized it was | starin' us right in the face. - What? | - Power lines. High-voltage power lines. The wires cause magnetic fields | and the magnetic fields cause cancer, especially in children. I've never heard anything | like that in my life. Why don't you just | come see for yourself? [Children Laughing] - This is Mickey's school? | - Uh-huh. It turns out a lot of schools | are near power lines. Land's cheap, so schools tend | to buy it from the power companies. We're nobody, Congressman. | You're somebody. - We need your help. | - [Sighing] Will you excuse me | for a second? Come here. - Is this real? | - That depends on who you ask. Some people say it's worse | than asbestos or breast implants. Others say it's coincidental. Well, you. What do you say? I think it's very suspicious that the | White House would kill an EPA report... saying that power lines | probably cause cancer. - They did that? | - Yes. [Sighing] Well, I gotta do somethin' | to help these people. Don't tell me you're actually | developing a conscience. Oh, God, I hope not. It'd be | a fuckin' nuisance in Congress. But if I were, | what could I do to help them? This goes beyond personal tragedy. It goes to a public health hazard | of unknown proportions. It goes to the right of the ordinary | people to know all the facts! Yeah, people ought to know if | the neighborhoods are killing them. Amen, gentlemen. Amen! And what a fine effort it is. | I'm totally sympathetic. Congressional hearings should | be scheduled just as soon as possible. The American people | deserve no less. Message: we care. Turn this way, please. - Right here, sir. Great! | - Over here. [Thundering] Cheers. You know, son, | you're a real comer. I wouldn't be a bit surprised | if you ended up in the leadership. I'll say this, | if I were speaker, I'd sleep better with you | as a lieutenant. Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman. | I'm surprised to hear you say that. 'Cause I really honestly didn't | think you was gonna go with me | on this power lines thing. - But I'm not. | - But you said you're sympathetic. Well, of course I did. We're all | sympathetic to little girls with cancer. But I'm not sympathetic | to holding a public inquiry. - You just said... | - I know what I said. But sound bites | aren't sworn testimony. Now look, son, it's great to get | your name in the newspaper. Let 'em know you care. | Very smart move, Thomas. But that's as far as I | would go with this if I were you. [Intercom Buzzing] Yeah? Oh, fine, fine. No, no, no, send 'em in. We've got some | unexpected visitors. - Hope you don't mind. | - Oh, hell, no. Sure, great. [Laughing] | Mr. Chairman! Olaf! - Hello, Terry. | - Evenin', Mr. Chairman. Thanks for tak... | Thomas! They let you in here, | you S.O.B.? You folks finally gonna | get to press flesh. Olaf! Come and meet Thomas Johnson. | Thomas, Olaf Andersen. - Chairman, Gulf Coast Power. | - Glad to meet ya, son. They tell me you got | a real talent for the game. This is Zeke Bridges, CEO, | Superior Mutual Insurance. Som-bitch. - Oh, you two know each other? | - Ah, no, we haven't met. But I know a great deal | about the man. We share a common interest | in international affairs. Swedish in particular. Oh, another Rolex. I collect these. | Mine's a slightly older model. Can I have a double bourbon, | please? It is very nice finally | meeting you, Mr. Bridges. Yes, it's nice to meet you, | Congressman. Thomas and I were just talkin' | about, uh, power lines. Man, I think we oughta | have those hearings. Well, now look, Thomas, why don't | we get, uh, Olaf's take on this? Well, it's tragic. | Cancer's a terrible thing. But there's no way you | can link it to power lines. - The truth is... | - Wait a minute, | there have been studies... Every study that says one thing, | I'll show you a study saying another. We've studied this ourselves. | Nada. What if all you guys | are wrong? Thomas, do you want us | to move the power lines? You know how much it would cost to bury | those things in Florida alone? - We're talkin' $5 billion. | - Not counting the liability claims. How would you like | the people in your district | to think of you as the fellow... who tripled | their electric bill? I just thought that if | we had the hearings... Think for a moment, chum. | You hold your hearings. Overnight, everyone who | lives near a substation... will find the value | of his home in the toilet. - You'll kill the real estate market. | - You'll kill the insurance companies. - You'll kill the school district. | - You'll kill the local economy. [Thundering] Son, system ain't perfect. But the fleas come with the dog. Maybe I should | think about it, huh? - Atta boy. | - [Clearing Throat] Oh, Thomas, on a completely | different subject here. You haven't set up | a state PAC yet, have ya? 'Cause I'd be happy to start one off | with a contribution of, say, 200,000. No strings attached. Natch. - You were beautiful, Olaf. | - No, you were beautiful, Dick. - No, you were beautiful, Terry. | - To the mutual aid society. - Hey. | - Hi. So? Are the Jubas | gonna testify? Hmm? When's the committee | holding hearings? Um, actually, I think the, the hearings | might be postponed a little bit. What's Dodge pulling now? Nothin'. It's actually kinda good, | 'cause now I get to, you know... Get to round up some other members | and get my ducks in a row and... [Laughing] - You shafted me on the ethics bill! | - Hey, Eli! You just missed a good one. | Wait a minute, that reminds me. - Same two old men on a park bench... | - It's a closed rule! I can't get my amendments on the floor! | I can't get a recorded vote. I can't get squat! This is not the rules committee. | This is the steam room. This is the U.S. Congress. The American | people deserve better than this! You know what your problem is, Eli? | You've got "sermonitis." [Laughing] Now, why don't you just relax? | Have a massage. I've got news for ya, Dick. | I'm gonna run against you for speaker. I'm gonna make this | whole race boil down... to whether we want a sleaze like you | in the speaker's chair. I'll bet ya $100 | you don't get ten votes. [Sighing] | I'm gonna be your shadow, Dick. Every member ya strong-arm, | every reporter ya background, every talk show ya go on, | I'll be there. Five votes! | Nobody likes to hear a sermon. I may not have a rat's ass | of a chance to beat you, but I sure as hell | can let the world know... what you stand for. I went too far with him. | I know it. - Now you know him | pretty well, don't you? | - I wouldn't say I knew him well. Oh, come on, Thomas, | you're seein' his niece. - Hell, you've been out | to his damn church. | - How do you know that? Because I keep my ear | to the ground. Now, Thomas, | he'll listen to you. I want you to go make | the peace between us. Tell him we'll work something out | with his amendments. Not a vote, I won't go that far. | But at least he'll get to say | his peace from the floor. Just get him off of my back. - Another round? | - Yeah, why not? To the honorable Dick Dodge. Hey. By the time I'm finished with him, | he won't be speaker. He'll be lucky | if they don't indict him. Eli, people do things that they regret, | man. People make mistakes. - Dick's been under | a lot of pressure lately. | - Come on! Thomas, you're | Dick Dodge's yes-man. I am not a yes-man. | When Dick says no, I say no. I know what you're up to. | He's scared and this is damage control. Yeah, well, you know what? | This town... It isn't about | passin' laws anymore. It isn't about | doing good anymore. All it's about... | is bein' here. [Loretta] | Well, as I live and breathe. - Hey, cuz. | - Hey. Oh, I'm sorry. This is | Miss Loretta Hicks from my staff. - This is Congressman Hawkins. | - Pleasure to meet you. Oh, would you like a drink? You know, you two look like you | could use a designated driver. - Oh, good samaritan. | - Praise 'em. [Dispatcher] Number 22, | I got a pickup at the Regency, going to National. You want a girlfriend? [Dispatcher] | Eighteen, Union Station. Shit! [Indistinct Yelling] [Indistinct] Oh, shit. Yeah, I need | an ambulance right away. [Telephone Beeping] | Hello? - It's somebody called Thomas Johnson. | - Oh. - What's wrong? | - I went out with Hawkins. We got in an accident. | He's out cold. I'm okay though. - Were you driving? | - No, it was Miss Loretta. - The girl from your office? | - Yeah. Hey, look, man. I don't like the way | this looks for anybody, okay? You said you wanted to | get back in Hawkins' good graces. | This is your opportunity. All right. Now you listen | to me very carefully. I want you to tell the ambulance | to take you to Walter Reed Hospital. It's a privilege they extend | to congressmen. They'll keep it quiet. I'll handle the police and you go home. | Keep your mouth shut. [Beeping] - [Ringing] | - What? What? What? Hello? Hello? | Mr... . Mr... . Mr. Chairman? Um, um, um, | no, no, no, no, sir. No, no, I'm, | I'm, I'm a night owl. Uh-huh, um... Oh, my God, | is, is he all right? G-Good, good, good. | Um, and, and Eli and Loretta? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's brilliant, | Mr. Chairman. No, I'll call the morning shows and | leak the information. They'll eat it up. At the top of the news, | Maryland Congressman Elijah Hawkins... is in satisfactory condition | at Walter Reed Hospital... after an overnight accident | in the district. That's right, Laura. Hawkins | reportedly had alcohol in his blood. Also slightly injured was | an unidentified woman whom police say... is linked to a phone-sex | operation in Florida. - Shit. | - Linda, Congressman Hawkins? That's Reverend Hawkins, | isn't it? Right you are, Laura. And how this plays | into his longstanding campaign... to reform congressional ethics | is now anyone's guess. I'm trying to find | Reverend Eli Hawkins. [Nurse] | Let me check for you. Yes, he's right around | the corner there. Stay away from him. | Stay away from me too. - Celia, listen, we were set up. | - We were set up? You were in the car. I didn't hear | your name mentioned on the news. - Somethin' stinks here. | - It sure does, | and guess who it is, Thomas? You don't give a damn | about anything, do you? To think the other night | I actually thought you cared... - About somebody other than yourself. | - You know how I feel about... Not me! You jerk! | Mickey Juba. You caved on the power lines, | didn't you? Don't even answer because I know | you did. What'd you get for it? - Are you gonna let me talk? | - Get the hell outta here. Get out! [Thomas] | Hattie! Hattie Rifkin? - Oh, rifkeleh! | - Don't rifkeleh me, you momzer! - What the hell do you want? | - Hattie, I wanna talk to you. I've heard that before, | Mr. Name-You-Know. Hattie, I know you got me elected | and I forgot your name in the mornin'. | I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I really, really, | really... I really need you. So talk. Why are we meetin' here, | Thomas? Trouble at the office? Well, Dodge says he keeps | his ear to the ground. But I know that's bullshit. | He has an inside man. - Reinhardt? | - Yes. - Let's whack him. | - Hey, this ain't Scarface, all right? You got a plan? Big con. | Dick Dodge is the mark. - Dick Dodge? | - Aren't we getting out | of our league here, man? This guy's been doin' | the big con for over 30 years. Mmm, cuz, these politicians, these are some serious slick fish. Wait a second. Is everybody | goin' soft here all of a sudden? Are you all a bunch | of fuckin' incumbents now? Listen, Thursday, Dick Dodge | is at the arts caucus, all right? I need to know how long it takes | to get from there to the EPA building. All right, Armando? | Okay, now. Loretta, get some information | on the EPA and give that to the roper. I got a list of equipment | I want you to go get. - Crazy, baby. | - Hey. Don't we need a new roper? | I mean, hey, look, everybody | around here knows our faces. - [Car Horn Honking] | - Speak of the devil. - My man! | - What up, T? - Homer! | - What's up? Hey, Dick. | Eli Hawkins got his tail... - Caught in a crack, huh? | - He did. - And you kept my name out of it? | - I did. - So I owe you? | - You do. This hearing of the committee on Power | and Industry will come to order. [Dodge] The health | of America's insurance industry... Hey, come here. Somethin' came up. | I got a call from an EPA guy. Said he heard how fast | I bailed on the power lines. He's got something | really hot for me. He wants to meet me outta the office, | after business hours, like tonight. [Thomas] | Mr. Whitney? You said you'd be alone. What is he doin' here? | What is he, a cop? You wearin' a wire? | You wearin' a goddamn wire? Relax, Mr. Whitney, | I'm not wired. Yeah? Well, let's see. I know you got it. | I just gotta find it, that's all. - Get your hands off me! | - Hey, man, I told ya he's okay. He's not wired. | Look. He has no wire here. No wire. You can trust him. | Look at this guy. He's got fire engines | on his drawers. This is a good man. | Now cool it. Just relax. Is this gonna be | something we can use? Your friends at the power company | would be very interested. - Talk to me. | - All right. The White House | is putting heat on the EPA. Now we're gonna announce | a major investigation... on the relation between power lines | and cancer clusters. Mrs. Dodge, it's Arthur Reinhardt. | May I please speak to the chairman? [Woman On Intercom] | Mr. Andersen? Mr. Bridges is on one. Zeke! | How in the hell are ya? [As Zeke] I'm madder than a baptist | in a brothel, you som-bitch! Olaf! You hear about this EPA bullshit? | Why, it could ruin Gulf Coast Power! They're goin' ahead with this goddamn | power lines investigation. I thought we had this settled. | They don't have any proof. They ain't lookin' for proof! They're | lookin' for dinner and we're it! I tell ya, I'm about as crazy | as a dog in a hubcap factory. [Sighing] | Ah, shit. All right, Zeke. Zeke, I'm goin' up to D.C. | for the clean air hearings anyway. I'll talk to Dodge. - Ya got a second? | - Yeah. Okay, I heard something. And I know | there's some business in it. - I'm listening. | - EPA, launching a big | investigation on power lines. - They're gettin' a lot | of pressure from the White House. | - That's very interesting. I heard the same thing. - Nothing gets by you, does it? | - Not much. But thank you, son. | I appreciate your sharing that with me. Okay, so, there's probably | something in it for us. Thomas, if we got the EPA | off Olaf Andersen's back, he'd be extremely | appreciative. - So... how do we go about doin' that? | - My committee. We audit their funding. | Hell, I got him by the balls. - So you're just gonna | rip their balls o... | - Oh, no, no, no. Thomas, persuasion. - Strenuous persuasion. | - Oh, now, that's allowed. Persuasion, yes. | Intimidation, no. But... it's a gray area. - Who's to say which is which? | - Oh! Persuasion. You can't rip 'em out. | You have to persuade 'em out. Hey, Dick, is there somebody | you can call to make sure... the EPA's really doing | the investigation? - Of course. He oughta be in by now. | - Who? Skeeter Warburton, of course. | Always go straight to the top, son. Oh, a little outta | my league, Dick. Hey. Watch it. Let's go! [Hattie] | Congressman Dodge? Oh, uh, uh, Mrs. Rifkin | from the, uh... Silver Foxes. You remember, America's second-largest | seniors' organization... with members in every district | in Florida, including yours. Oh, yes, of course. It's a marvelous | organization, just marvelous. - Well, it's always a pleasure to see... | - I need to talk to you. Yes, I'd like that very much, | but right now I'm in a rush | to get back to my office. - You call for an appointment. | We'll get together... | - This won't take a second. - Could I just walk ya to your office? | - Uh, well... - That'd be fine. | - Oh, good. If the FDA would just agree | to look at the new support hose, we'd feel like | we made some progress. Indeed, you know, Mrs. Rifkin, I'm | always so excited to hear your views, but really, dear, | I've got to run. So run, | who's keeping you? So don't be a stranger. | Keep in touch. [Elevator Bell Ringing] [Elevator Bell Ringing] [Coin Clanging] Kimberly, can you get me | Skeeter Warburton on the phone, please? Right away, Chairman Dodge. - Uh, sweep for radon? | - Radon? I'm sorry, l... I don't recall. Do you have a work order? Oh, no, uh, | Supervisor said, uh... Supervisor said ain't supposed | to be no paperwork on this... 'cause something about | y'all killed some radon study. Well, we did delete | a few minor budget items. Hey, how's it gonna look | to the other people... if they find out I swept your office | for radon, didn't do everybody else's? - How that gonna look, Mr. Warburton? | - Point taken. Go right ahead. You better step outside. I gotta spray | some nasty shit. Look at that. Uh-huh. Ah, Brenda? I'm stepping out | for a few minutes. Yeah, Brenda, don't come in here, 'cause | you may get some of this shit on ya. [As Warburton] | Ah, Brenda, I've changed my mind. - I'm expecting a call from... | - Mr. Warburton, | Chairman Dodge is on line two. Oh, speak of the devil. | Put him through. Afternoon, Mr. Chairman. | Skeeter here. I need a straight answer | from you, Skeeter. Is the White House | on your back about power lines? - Are we off the record, Mr. Chairman? | - Of course. I had hoped to go up to Hyannis Port | this weekend to spend time with Tish... and do some sailing, but I don't think | I'm going to be able to because I'm... spending a lot of time | in the office writing testimony | to your committee on cancer clusters. Well, l, uh, appreciate | your candor, Skeeter. - Anything to be of help, Mr. Chairman. | - Bye. [As Warburton] Ah, take off for | the rest of the week, please, Brenda. [Dodge] I don't see | how I can help ya on this one. This is the EPA. | This is the president. - This is my lifeblood. | - Olaf, I see that. I see that. But in this town | you've gotta pick your fights. This could mean | six figures, Dick. High six figures. Seven figures? I suppose a million dollars | isn't too much to insure against | losin' five billion. - Now you're talkin'. | - But how can I funnel | this kind of money to you? If that's what you want, | we can find a loophole. | No one will see your fingerprints. - No one will know? | - No one will know. Olaf's just making a contribution | as a patriotic citizen. - And in return for that, he's getting... | - Good government! Exactly! | Little access, that's all. Yes, I'm callin' from Chairman Dodge's | office on the Hill. We wanted to be sure CNN was sending | a crew to the clean air hearings today. No, not the new | emission standards. We're breaking news. | This is the biggest thing | since the check bouncing scandal. This is Cynthia Leeson from | the White House press office. My boss just wanted me | to call you folks and let you know | we're going to be making... a very important announcement | today at the clean air hearings. No, I'm sorry, I can't | tell you that, but it's hot. If the New York Times wants to be | the only paper in town to miss out... on the biggest story of the year, | that's just up to y'all. Hurry up, get into your seats. | Come on, you guys. [Hattie] It's gonna be a great day. | Molly, next to Harry. - Let's sit here. | - What, in the back? - Just sit down, will you? | - All right. - How's everything? | - Great. You know what would be | a wonderful way for us to start? With me congratulating you | on what a wonderful job you've | been doing on the committee. And really show our appreciation | especially on behalf | of the minority community. Well, I appreciate that, son. | Thank you very much. I'm cutting out of here early. [Ira] | Don't wanna run into him? This is a mistake. | I never should have come. I'm surprised, well, delighted | by the media turnout today. - I had no idea that clean air | was such a good issue. | - Oh, yeah, isn't it somethin'? This meeting of the Power | and Industry Committee... to consider the reauthorization | of the clean air act is now in session. Today's first business is a panel | of national leaders... in the field of utilities, | but before I welcome them, the chair would like to yield to the | distinguished gentleman from Florida. Thank you, Mr. Chairman. | I'd like to make a very personal | statement, Mr. Chairman. I would like to start off by saying | thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your leadership | and for your vision. But most of all I'd like to | thank you for your courage. Especially for your courage. - My courage, huh? | - Yes, sir, your courage... in exposing the corruption | that eats away at this institution. Your courage in taking on | the special interests... and your courage in taking | a major new step. But l-I've done nothing new. Nothing at all. | What are you talking about? This is true! Because integrity | is nothing new to you, Mr. Chairman. Integrity is second nature | to this man. But still it's a rare public servant | who'll take on the PACs... and the lobbyists | and the fat cats... and side with the American family | who just want to live | in safe neighborhoods... and send their kids | off to safe schools. Well, I thank the gentleman, | but we really must move along. | If the gentleman would... Ladies and gentlemen, | yesterday, I had a meeting | with the chairman... in his office | with Mr. Olaf Andersen... of Gulf Coast Power, | and his lobbyist, Mr. Terry Corrigan. I thank the gentleman! | But we really must move along! The subject of this meeting... was the possible EPA | investigation on power lines... and the connection between them | and increased cancer risks. Gentleman's out of order. Now what makes | this meeting different... from most of the other meetings | that take place in Washington... was that the American people | were actually represented... in the form of this. Oh! At Chairman Dodge's suggestion, I videotaped the entire meeting! Huh? Don't ya love that? Isn't that somethin'? Dick Dodge! | Isn't he somethin' special? - Don't you love this man? | - [Gavel Pounding] - Gentleman is out of order. | - Dodge double-crossed us. - You're fired. | - Don't ya love this chairman? [Gavel Pounding] | Gentleman is out of order! See, he's brought dignity back to | the name Dick. No longer is it tricky. Come on, Dick is good! | Dick is good! - Turn off his microphone! | - Chairman Dodge! This is neither the time | nor the place for these matters. But you may rest assured | that the committee... will investigate them | thoroughly. Now, we're gonna take | a 15-minute recess. Dick, you crazy son of a bitch, | you know we planned this. [Crowd Murmuring] You stupid son of a bitch! | You taped our conversation? They are makin' 'em | kinda small nowadays. You bastard! | You two bastards! You think you're gonna | hang me out to dry? Bullshit! If I go down, | you go down, Dick Dodge! Say, do you remember that little | $300,000 you squeezed outta me... for your voter | registration scam, huh? What the hell was that? | Just water under the bridge. What about the $200,000 | for your phony foundation? - Or the bundled checks | my executive put in your pocket? | - Okay, now. - Olaf. | - No, no, I trusted you, Dick. | I gave you my condo in Vail. - I gave you my corporate jet | to fly all over the... | - All right... I bought 10,000 copies of your boring, | dull-ass autobiography! I put up scholarships | to send your kids through college. I even hired your goddamn color-blind | wife to redecorate my office. - Olaf! Jesus! Sit down! | - What are you doin'? - I'm tryin' to tell you, I didn't have | a goddamn thing to do with this! | - You shittin' me? No, no, no, no! | Think! Think! I know you got me | by the short and curlies. What the hell would I have | to gain by sellin' you out? I had no idea that slime bag | was tapin' us. Excuse me. Dick? Lighten up on the slime bag, | huh? What's your game, Thomas? | Shakedown? Yeah, it's a shakedown. | All right? And unless you | wanna see this... all over CNN, | you're gonna pay my price. First, I want you | to call Skeeter Warburton. I want you to tell him to launch | an investigation on power lines. - Wha... | - Ah! There's more. I want you to resign. You can | tell people it's for health reasons. Most of us will believe that 'cause | we've seen you in the steam room. Why the hell are you doin' this? I am doing this for Mickey Juba | and I'm doin' this for Celia Kirby | and I'm doin' this... for my grandmother | and about a million other people | you wouldn't give a shit about. Who? - Do we have a deal or not? | - Well, I guess that... depends entirely on what's | on that tape, doesn't it? You know what's on this tape. | This is America's sleaziest home video. Fuck that. Let's see what you | really got on that tape. - This is just a copy! | - Give me that! Yo, man, it's just a copy. [Loretta As Inga] | Maria, my hot-blooded Spanish friend. Babette, zee Parisian pussycat, | and many others. - So call the Girls of Many Nations. | - It's a bluff. - At 1-900-555... | - It's a stinking, cheap-ass bluff. [TV] | NATO. But the question is, can we get | the shit back into the horse? Why not? He never made | any specific charges. So what do we do when | we go back in the hearing? Leave that to me. You just walk | back in there lookin' dignified. - Dignified. | - And you! You better be very, very quiet | in there, my friend. I got the goods on you, | and it would be my pleasure to | leave tire marks all over you. - Oh, like you did Hawkins? | - Oh, not even close. So unless you wanna spend | the next 20 years in prison, you keep your mouth shut. Now, do we understand | each other here? Yeah, we understand | each other. Huh? All right, let's do it. [Man] All right, folks, | step back, please. Come on. Clear the hallway now. | Give 'em some room. [Indistinct Shouting] Chairman Dodge! Get that thing outta my face! What is on that tape? [Indistinct Shouting] - Come on, let's go in there! | - Go! By the way, Dick, I didn't | mean that about your wife. I think she's great. Thank you, Kimberly. These hearings | are now reconvened. - Without going into details, | - No problem, no problem. I would like to make | a comment on the... unfortunate incident | that we all just witnessed. Now, this body... | Well, indeed our whole... system of government | is imperfect. It's imperfect because | it depends on people. Human beings who make mistakes, | act in haste, misinterpret things... Yeah, and do things like buy | 10,000 copies of your autobiography. Which by the way is not a crime, | unless you make people read it. - Damn it, sir, you are out of order. | - [Crowd Laughing] Hey, hey, hey! | Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! To hell with order. The truth is gonna | come out here today, all right? All right! | You want the truth? Here's the truth, Congressman. The man you see before you | is nothing but a common criminal. He got into this House | through fraud! Now! You want more truth, Congressman? | Here's your rap sheet. Arrest for bookmaking, | cardsharping, con games, mail fraud. You know, I had hoped to avoid | damaging this noble institution. But I can see that you have | no respect for this institution | or for anything else. There! | I dare you to respond. [Crowd Murmuring] Yeah, this is me. | Can't deny it. Can't deny anything on here. | I did all of this. Except for this thing. This woman | got her shoes back. This woman here. But everything else on this list | is real. I did it, don't deny it. But all of this is nothing... compared to the shit I pulled off | right here in Washington. And everything I did in this town | would be considered legit. Now that is enough! | Have you no shame, Mr. Johnson? Do you deny that just five minutes ago | you attempted to impugn the integrity... - Of this committee... | - [Andersen On TV] | You son-of-a-bitch! - You taped our conversation! | - From a highly-respected... You two bastards! | You think you can hang me out to dry? [Andersen On TV] Bullshit! | If I go down, you go down, Dick Dodge! Hey, you remember that $300,000 | you squeezed outta me... for that phony voter | registration scam, huh? What about the $200,000 | for that phony foundation, huh? Or those bundle of checks | my executive put in your pocket. - Olaf! Look! | - I trusted you! I trusted you! I gave you my condo in Vail. | I let you fly my corporate jet. No, I even bought 10,000 copies of | your boring, dull-ass autobiography. - Olaf! Sit down! | I'm tryin' to tell ya somethin'. | - What? What? I didn't have a goddamn thing | to do with this! - Bullshit! | - Olaf! Think! - Order! Order! | - You... Clear the room! | Clear the goddamn room! I want order! | I will have order! Come on, let's hear it | for ex-chairman Dodge! - Come on! Put your hands together! | - Yes! Let's hear it | for the retiring chairman! You can do much better than that! | This man is going to jail. Give him a big round | of applause! Come on! [Man] | Go write a new book! - Hey! Hey! | - Thomas! Thomas! What the hell are you doing? | We're all gonna go to jail! You son of a bitch! Look what you did to your man. | Look what you did! Hey! Hey! Hey! Yeah, you almost | got your ass whipped just then. [Shouting] Hold him really tight, hold him. | I want to get some good pictures | while he's got color in his cheeks. Huh! Now, smile for the cameras, Dick. | How am I doin', huh? - That's it. | - Thank you. | - Smile, please. [Cameras Clicking] So how does it feel | being a national hero? Terrible. Everybody | knows my face now. I'm finished in the line | of business I was in. Can't exactly go into 7-Eleven | and pass bad checks anymore, you know. - So what are you gonna do? | - Well, I got a full head of hair. - Uh-huh. | - A famous face | and pretty good bullshit. - There's only one thing I can do. | - Congress is gonna throw you out. Yeah, but I'm gonna run | for president. [Giddy Chuckle] |
|