[Olaf Andersen] Uh, ladies and | gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please.
Your attention.
I think you all know our guests | of honor today.
Our great congressman, | Jeff Johnson,
and Vera Johnson, | his lovely and gracious wife.
Many of you know that Jeff | is now completely recovered | from a triple bypass operation.
Doesn't he look great?
I never felt better.
Before I turn the floor | over to the congressman, | I'd like to thank my old friends,
Mr. And Mrs. Zeke Bridges, for the use | of their wonderful, lovely home.
[Andersen] | Thank you, Zeke.
Now, sirs, | ladies and gentlemen,
- In the 20 years of the great... | - Som-bitch!
Uh... well, seems like | a host's work is never done.
- [Laughing] | - Now, in the 20 years...
that the Honorable | Jefferson Davis Johnson has been | our representative in Congress...
Excuse me. Pardon me. | What do you say, Pete?
- [Andersen] | Whatever our walk of life: | - Excuse me.
- Utilities, pharmaceuticals... | - Pardon me. Hi, Malcolm.
One bourbon sour straight up | with extra orange,
and one gibson, no onion,
and two white wine spritzers | and a Lowenbrau.
[Jamaican Accent] | Allow me to light your cigarette | for you. Hold this for me, sir.
The way your hair matches your eyes, | I don't know how I can control myself.
Excuse me, | I'll get those drinks.
I can't believe that you're Inga. | You don't look Swedish.
You're so different | from your picture.
[Swedish Accent] | That wasn't me on the TV,
but that sure was me | on the telephone.
[Normal Voice] | You want me to prove it, Zeke?
You told me that you want me | to tie you up and beat you with...
My God, Inga, | that was on the phone.
I never thought you'd be in my house. | You've got to get outta here.
[Swedish Accent] | But you told me you wanted me! | You told me to quit my job.
[Normal Voice] | And now, honey, here I am.
- Not now, waiter. Please! | - Don't worry about a thing. | I'll handle this. You!
Bag on the floor, | hands in the air. Do it!
Sergeant Brown, vice squad, | undercover operations.
- I know who you are, dirty pig! | - Shut up! You're under arrest.
- My God, what's goin' on here? | - Sir, you've been the target of | a ruthless gang of con artists.
It all started when you called | the "Girls of Many Nations" party line.
It's 1-900-phone-sex?
You put it on your credit card | instead of your phone bill...
'cause you didn't want your wife | to see it, right? Big mistake.
The gang used your | credit card number to find out | everything they could about you.
It's the gang's M.O. to wait until | the victim's having a big party...
and will do anything, pay big money, | to avoid embarrassment.
Embarrassment? | Som-bitch!
This goes | beyond embarrassment!
A hundred of my very best friends | paid a thousand dollars apiece...
to have a drink | with Congressman Johnson.
Not to mention the fact my wife | is probably looking for me right now.
That is exactly what | their evil scheme is depending on.
In fact, any second now, | a huge Latino man's...
- Gonna burst in pretending | he's an outraged husband. | - Inga!
- What're you doin' with my wife? | - Senor...
- [Bridges] It's okay, Alice. | - My friend, rum and coke.
Don't let anyone else in, please. | Thanks.
- [Armando] Did he touch you? | - I got your rum and coke.
There's your rum and coke, | and she can drink it with you!
- [Speaking Spanish, Indistinct] | - Hey, i callate la boca.
I callate la boca ahora! | I ahora asi!
Now you see how they were gonna plan | to con you outta your money.
But I know better, 'cause I know | you're a courageous citizen.
- And I know you're gonna testify. | Yes, you're gonna testify. | - Oh!
- I can't testify. | - Sure you can. All you've | done was phone sex.
- A lot of people have done that. | - He wanted me to tie him up...
and spank him with | a wet garter belt.
- [Chuckling] No, no, not me. No, no. | - [Thomas] Excuse me.
That is between the fantasy hostess and | the freak. I don't even wanna hear it.
- "Freak"? | - Hey, poppy.
I got a tape in the car. Eight-track | or cassette. You wanna hear it?
- No, no! No, no! Thank you very much. | - Sir, please.
They're trying to intimidate you | by telling you that they have an | audio tape of you freaking on...
Did you think you were gonna intimidate | him? You're not intimidating him.
He's going to testify, because | his family may not know he's a freak,
but he's been married 20, 30 years. | His wife knows he's a freak.
"Freak"? Uh, Sergeant Brown, I have | to talk to you in private, please.
Mr. Bridges, I can't leave | the suspects by themselves.
Well, let's, uh, lock 'em | in the crapper.
Okay, come on. | Move in the bathroom.
- Come on, man, move it. Come on! | - [Speaking Spanish, Indistinct]
Hey, hey! Vamonos, | muchachos, goddamn it!
Now you've all met my | legislative assistant, Kimberly.
Kimberly and my fine staff, | along with myself,
will be available to you | 24 hours a day.
I'm proud to be | your man in Washington.
I plan to keep goin' back | as long as you keep sendin' me.
[Cheering]
Please listen, Sergeant.
- I'm the chairman of a large, | conservative insurance company. | - I know that.
I know your chief, Sergeant Brown. | Help me and you'll be Lieutenant Brown.
Just get these people | the hell outta here quietly.
Mr. Bridges, I know | these people. Okay?
If you let them go, | they're just gonna blackmail you.
I don't care. | What do they want?
- Goin' by their other victims, | it costs like $5,000. | - Okay.
That's 5,000 each, you know.
Okay.
You know there's | four people in the gang.
- Twenty thousand dollars? | - See, that's what I'm tellin' you.
- I think you should testify. | - No, I can't.
- Please put your money away, sir. | - Look, it's...
It's just that I don't have that | much cash. I've only got $12,000.
- And there's four people in the gang. | - Wait a minute.
- My rolex. | - Oh, Mr. Bridges, no. | No, no, no. Please, sir.
No, it's worth $10,000.
Oh, Mr. Bridges, I don't wanna take your | watch, I don't wanna take your money.
- Besides, they don't want a watch. | They want cash. | - Take the damn money!
Take the watch, please! | Get them outta here and get that tape.
You know this goes against | my every principle.
Darlin', | don't you look wonderful.
Glad to see ya. Nice to... | Hey, how's that knee, huh?
- [Speaking Spanish, Indistinct] | - Hey, hey, hey, hey! | [Spanish, Indistinct]
Inga will miss you! | Bye-bye.
What are you doin'? | I gotta go get the tape.
I don't want you to give them the money | until I get the tape in my hand.
Come with me.
Chief!
By golly, | am I glad to see you.
I'm sorry I'm late. | I had an emergency.
You know Sergeant...
[Bridges] | Where'd he go?
Sergeant Brown, the vice squad.
We don't have a vice squad.
You don't have a... | Som-bitch!
Oh, waiter, | where's my bourbon sour?
Oh, you must think I'm Kareem. | I'm Jamal.
He stiff you on your | drinks too? He fired.
Kareem! Wait right there. | Kareem, where's this woman's drink? | This woman's thirsty!
- [Man] I've always enjoyed | the time we've spent together. | - [Woman] Oh, thank you.
[Man] Why don't we | sit down over here?
[Guests Laughing]
Olaf, I'm thinking | of retiring from Congress.
You can't retire. You just promised | all these people you're gonna run again.
That was a political promise. | You know better than to believe that.
[Andersen] | Zeke, come here. Listen to this.
Have you all seen a waiter | come through here?
No, I haven't, but, Zeke, | I need your help. Hey!
- What's got into Zeke? | - Damned if I know.
Listen, Jeff, you know you got | the best job in the world, don't you?
You get to go hunting, fishing, | skiing and golfing.
The best resorts. Then you get | to call it, "official business," huh?
And, Jeff, you know there's | no aphrodisiac like power.
Are you tired of having | the most beautiful and intelligent | women in this country?
Ah, the joy's gone out | of Congress, Olaf.
No, that perks thing | was the last straw.
And who needs the aggravation? | Life's too short.
Yeah, well, look, Jeff. | You can't retire.
If I retire this year, | I get to keep $1.3 million...
that's left in my campaign fund.
It's called | "the grandfather loophole."
All right, Jeff. | I got it. Come here.
There's this small software company | that's about to go through the roof.
Now, what you do, you buy a few thousand | dollars worth of stock options.
It's gonna bring in a half a million | dollars easy. That's just for openers.
Huh?
If you put it like that, | I suppose I...
have a duty to continue | my career in public service.
"Duty"! [Chuckles] | You're something else, Jeff.
I am definitely | in the wrong business.
- Som-bitch! | - Well?
- Som-bitch! | - Yes!
- [Laughing Together] | - [Swedish Accent] I love it!
[Grunting, Groaning]
- [Woman Sighing] | - [Johnson] Ohh! Oh, Kimberly!
[Kimberly] | Oh, Congressman!
[Johnson] Oh, Kimberly, | you're so good! Yeah!
Oh! Oh God! Oh, Oh! | Oh, I got a cramp!
I got a cramp. It's okay, | don't stop. Don't stop!
Oh! Yeah, yeah! | Oh, God, yes, yes!
- Kimberly! Yeah! | - Oh, Congressman!
- Oh, now, now! Yeah! Oh! Oh, my God! | - Oh, Congressman!
Oh, my God! | Oh, my... [Gagging]
[Kimberly Panting]
[Panting]
Oh, my God!
## [Funeral Organ]
[Dick Dodge] | It was my honor...
to serve with Jeff Johnson | in Congress for a generation.
No one was a better legislator, | a better husband.
We're gonna miss him. But we are | grateful that his passing was peaceful.
The consummate public servant,
working late into the night | at his desk.
- Thank you. | - [Dodge] Vera?
- Let me talk to you | for a minute in here. | - Excuse me.
Uh, now...
I know that, uh, you're still | in shock over Jeff's passing,
- But we need to talk about his seat. | - We do?
I would like for you to announce | that you're gonna run for Congress.
With your name, you can't lose.
Mrs. Jeff Johnson | would win in a walk.
Dick, I've been | a Washington wife for 20 years.
I think that's enough bullshit | for one lifetime.
I'd help. I'd be running | the office night and day.
I'm sure you would, dear. | But I couldn't give you...
the same kind of job satisfaction | Jeff gave you.
Uh-huh.
How did I end up with a thief | for a grandson?
Hey! Aha! | Hey, thieves steal.
I con, all right? | It's different. I'm an artist.
I'm a con artist.
- Hey, look! There's the new ad. | - Hey.
[Loretta As Inga] I am Inga. | I am here from Sweden.
And I'm so lonely.
I need a man, | and so do my girlfriends.
Maria, my hot-blooded | Spanish friend.
- Babette, zee Parisian pussycat... | - [Meows]
- And many others. | - I hope you sprain your lips | from doin' this.
- I hope your lip muscles freeze up. | - We take all major credit cards.
[Loretta As Inga] So call | the Girls of Many Nations at...
[Swedish Accent] What do you think | of my accent, Grandma?
- Very, very good. Hey, hey. | - [Telephone Ringing]
Thank you for calling "Girls | of Many Nations" party line.
For hot-blooded | Italian wildcats, press one now.
For perky American cheerleaders, | press two now.
For a busty Swedish love goddess, | press three now.
- [Single Tone] | - Another customer for Inga.
Don't you dare | talk to that man!
[Swedish Accent] | Hello, this is Inga.
Oh, hello, Paul. | How are you?
Oh! [Giggles] Tell me, | Paul, do you have Mastercard?
If you don't hang up that phone, | I will flush it down the toilet!
Uh, no, Paul. | Call me later, please.
What's the matter with you? | This is my business.
You are not only a con man, | you get your cousin Loretta...
- To help you by talkin' dirty? | Shame on you! | - Granny!
You mad 'cause you can't show my picture | around the pool no more, Grandma?
Of course not.
Look what these arthritic hands | have been doin'.
- Oh... | - Don't "oh." What are you "oh-ing"?
Thomas Jefferson Johnson. | Why you keep usin' my middle name?
It sound like a tap dancer | or somethin'.
Make me proud of you, Thomas. | Make me proud of the name you carry.
I'm Ned Grable, Vice President | and General Manager of WFL.
We think Mrs. Jeff Johnson | did the right thing...
in not running for the congressional | seat left vacant by her husband's death.
Jeff Johnson's name | may still be magic,
but it'll take more than | the magic of name recognition...
to solve our region's problems.
I'm Ned Grable.
Name recognition.
Lordy, what a notion.
People would have to be | some kind of boobs...
just to vote for somebody | because their name was Johnson.
I remember once back in Georgia. | They even elected a dead man.
His name was still | on the ballot and...
folks were just | used to voting for him.
[Loretta] | Okay. Bye-bye.
My friends, I wanna | tell y'all about a town...
where the streets | are paved with gold.
I'm talkin' about a town | where the marks will take you | to dinner after you fuck 'em.
I'm talkin' about a place that, | when they run outta money, | they just print some more.
In this town, a cat bounced 900 checks, | didn't even have to go to jail.
- You mean "Las Begas." | - No, not "Las Begas."
No, honey, he's talkin' | about Washington, D.C.
l... You all ready for this?
I am running for Congress.
- What is this, a joke? | - What's the con, T?
Yeah, I don't get it, man.
- Yo, man, Van Dyke. | - Yeah.
- You remember Willie Sutton? | - My hero.
What did Willie Sutton say when they | asked him how come he robbed banks?
- That's where the money is. | - Exactly.
Washington, D.C. | That's where the money is.
Listen, I have been doin' some research. | I've been to the library.
- [Laughing] | - Why you laughing? Congressmen, | when they get elected,
they get $130,000 a year. | That's their base salary.
But then they have these things | called "PACs." Okay, political | action committees, right?
Then there's these lobbyists. | The lobbyists' whole point in life | is to buy you off.
They buy you off | and it's totally legal.
It's the con of a lifetime, | and I know we can do this shit.
Who "we," white man?
Us! We! Us! If I get elected, | I gotta have a staff.
I'm gonna get a staff allowance. | It says here that new Congress...
- You get a staff allowance of $537,000. | - [Armando] Ooh!
- Damn! | - Senor!
I get that kinda cash, I'm splitting it | up with my homies and my homette.
How exactly are you gonna | get your butt to Congress?
Yeah, T. Why the hell | would anybody vote for you?
It's not like they're voting for me. | They're voting for name recognition.
The congressman here | was Jeff Johnson.
My middle name is Jefferson, | last name is Johnson.
Cut off the Thomas, | shorten the Jefferson,
Jeff John... nobody knows that | their congressman is dead.
Who knows that Jeff is dead? | He's a congressman. Who cares?
If I get on the ballot as Jeff Johnson, | nobody's gonna know.
Well, how you gonna | get on the ballot?
That's where you all | come into play.
My friends, I need, uh, | [Chuckling]...
I need, uh, | 5,625 signatures.
- [Laughing] | - I knew this "we" shit had a catch.
Hey, man, you all | got a better plan?
I do.
Who are these "Silver Foxes"? | Old people who just like to vote?
It's a political party. | The big thing is, they got | their own line on the ballot.
They already got the signatures.
- May I help you? | - Uh, good afternoon.
- We have an appointment | to see Hattie Rifkin. | - Right.
You wanna talk politics? | Talk.
Uh, we was wonderin', who you gonna | run for Congress this year?
Ah, the usual sacrificial lamb.
Probably Sylvia Roland. | She just lost her husband.
She needs to meet new people. | Why?
Miss Rifkin. I'd like to run | on the Silver Foxes' ticket.
I believe and care | about you and your issues.
That's what my son says, | but does he call?
What makes you think | a group of alter kakers...
is gonna support a man who hasn't | clipped his first nose hair yet?
Because I can win.
No, no. A Republican can win. | A Democrat can win.
A Silver Fox can only make | a symbolic point.
Mrs. Rifkin, if you get me on | the Silver Foxes' ballot line,
- And if you give me the support... | - Lf, if.
And di bubbeh volt gehat baitzim, | volt zi geven a zeyde.
But got haste oykh | cane naar nit zine.
- [Chuckling] | - Uh, what's all this?
Oh, she just said that if my grandmother | had balls, she'd be my grandfather.
And I told her that God | never told nobody to be stupid.
Where the hell did you learn | to speak Yiddish?
[Yiddish Accent] | I learned it from Morris Elfbein, | da gin king of Miami Beach.
He taught me that | and he also taught me...
you don't always have to have | the best cards to win the hand.
Maybe not in gin, but in politics, | young man, you need money to win.
You need a name to win. | You need...
- I do have a name. | - What, you're an athlete?
- You're not on MTV, are you? | - My name is Johnson.
Jeff Johnson. | The name you know.
Jeff Johnson?
Well, that's a name even our | Alzheimer's group will remember.
I'm not quite sure I understand, | Professor Franklin.
You did your doctoral thesis | on my husband?
Yes, Mrs. Johnson. | Your husband was a very great man.
He did so much to help my people.
I remember the time he said | that welfare is a drug...
and you have to kick it | like cold turkey.
And at the time, I was on welfare | and I did just that.
It inspired me to get on with | my life. Very inspirational.
Yes, well, really, | I'm sure if he were alive...
I was actually in the audience one day | when he looked out and he said,
"If you people'd just get off | your dead asses and go look for work,
maybe America can be a decent place | to live in again."
That inspired me. | My God, it made me move my ass.
And I have a poster | of that on my wall,
and I show it to all my relatives | and friends and Negroes.
Really, well. It's kind of you to come | all the way from... Where was it?
The Wilson Pickett State, uh, | Teachers' College, ma'am.
But I didn't just come here to pay | my respects to your husband.
I came here because, because | your husband deserves an archive...
where students | can study his legacy.
- So you want his papers. | - Not just his papers, ma'am.
I would like all buttons | and posters and bumper stickers...
and all the campaign paraphernalia | you can spare, ma'am.
I know you may have | a sentimental attachment to | a lot of these things and you...
- Take 'em. | - Pardon me?
Take 'em all. Do you want | the wedding photos too?
- Oh, I don't know | if I think that's necessary. | - That's lucky.
So you won't have to go | rooting around in the garbage.
- Oh. Hmm. | - Hmm.
You're in pretty good shape | for a professor.
Do you work out?
Uh, why, yes. Do you?
Why, yes.
Hmm.
[Van Dyke] | Are you sure you don't wanna come | to Washington with us, Homer?
No, I got a business to run.
- Bye-bye. | - [Telephone Ringing]
Hello. Who?
League of Women Voters. No, | Mr. Johnson will not attend the debate.
No, I'm sorry, Betty. I cannot | tie up this line. Thank you.
- [Ringing] | - Hello?
Star-Ledger. No, we're fresh out | of photographs of Mr. Johnson.
No, you can't. He's just had surgery | for a deviated septum.
Yeah, thank you.
- [Ringing] | - Hello?
[Swedish Accent] | Ja, this is Inga.
[Thomas Using "White" Accent] | Cast your vote for Jeff Johnson.
Good old Jeff, | the name that you can trust.
The name that you know. | Jeff Johnson.
[Chinese Accent] Why you no vote | Jeff Johnson? He the name you know.
Go down vote for Jeff. | Jeff Johnson, the name you know.
[Homeboy Accent] Hey, you, eatin' | the greens, and you on the corn bread.
Put that down and cast your vote | for Jeff Johnson, the name you know.
You know it's good. Jeff is good, | just like them greens. Jeff and greens.
When you think greens, | think Jeff Johnson.
[Yiddish Accent] In this meshugeneh | world, you wanna vote for Jeff Johnson.
I don't know why I gotta drive | through here and tell you this. | You should know who to vote for.
Put a vote in for Jeff | because he's a good person.
What, are you crazy?
["White" Accent] We're not gonna | show you Jeff Johnson waving a flag,
and we're not gonna show you | Jeff Johnson kissing babies.
We're not gonna show you | Jeff Johnson doing anything | because you already know...
what Jeff Johnson can do.
Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson, | the name you know.
- That sound white enough? | - That was very white.
Yeah. That's chilling, actually. | Almost scared myself.
Fantastic.
Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson, | the name you know.
Who do we vote for | for Congress?
- Don't we always vote for Johnson? | - Ah, that's it, Johnson.
If you're just joining us, | our exit polls project that in Florida,
an unknown independent candidate, | whose sole asset appears to be his name,
may just possibly win | a slim victory.
[Cheering, Whistling]
## [Calypso Version Of | "Happy Days Are Here Again"]
Is that him? Is that him?
Uh, Patricia, I believe | that Congressman-Elect Johnson | has just arrived.
[Armando] | Excuse me, please. Coming through.
[Homer] | We need to get through, please.
- Come on. Come on. | - Coming through. Thank you.
[Man] | Congratulations!
[Cheering]
[Thomas] | Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Hey! [Whistling] | Hey, thank you!
Thank you so much! | People,
we ran a positive campaign.
We campaigned on the issue.
The issue is change.
Change for the future.
The people have spoken!
Ask not what your country | can do for you.
You have nothing to fear | but fear itself.
If you can't stand the heat, | get out of the kitchen.
Live free or die.
And in conclusion, | read my lips.
[Cheering]
Mira, mira, mira.
The promised land.
[P.A. Announcer] | Continental flight 228 to Chicago...
Congressman Johnson. | Congressman Johnson, Arthur Reinhardt.
You don't remember me.
- I was Congressman Johnson's | administrative assistant. | - Yes.
I Fed Ex'ed all that material | to you down in Florida.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. | Well, you know.
You look just like | I thought you would look.
You see his little | wing-tip shoes on?
Oh, l... Thank you.
Congressman, I hope you don't think | I'm outta line for meeting you here.
I just thought you might need help with | logistics, settling in at your hotel.
Since you didn't make it to the Harvard | seminar for freshmen congressmen,
I took the liberty of putting together | a set of their papers for you.
Thank you for your initiative, | but I gotta admit to you, I've | never been much of a student.
But you can brief | my staff on that, you know.
Uh, staff, what hotel | are we staying at?
- You book the hotel? | - No. Talk to him.
- You book the hotel? | - What hotel?
Nobody told me | about no damn hotel.
Uh, is, uh, staff...
obviously failed to nail | some vital details, so...
Oh, geez, | the world bank's in town.
Where we gonna find you a room?
Hey, I kick your ass.
You have to be firm | with the staff sometimes.
[P.A. Announcer] Continental | flight 228 to Chicago O'Hare is now...
I got lucky at the Hay-Adams.
- There was a coup in Uruguay. | - Que?
- What? | - Uruguay.
Anyway, their delegation | just checked out.
You're a wizard, Reinhardt, and I knew | we could count on you. Let's go.
- Hey, you got that? | - Yes, sir.
[Loretta] | Careful with that bag.
Don't throw it in there like that. | I paid too much for that bag.
- Say, Congressman? | - Yo.
I'd like to ask you something.
I would appreciate it if you | would consider me to be your A.A.
Oh, that's very nice of you. | That's a very decent gesture.
But yo, man, listen. | I'm a social drinker.
I don't really hit | the bottle very much.
Yeah, yeah. No, no. Uh,
administrative assistant.
- Oh! | - As you know, I used to work | for Congressman Johnson.
And I would like to work for you, | Congressman Johnson.
So it would be sorta like an affirmative | action sorta thing. [Chuckles]
Only kidding. I got your resume. | I'll call you, okay?
- I'll look forward to hearing from you? | - Look forward to talking to you.
[Giddy Chuckle]
Ooh, baby!
[Secretary] | Congressman Corman's office.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
[Chuckling]
[Elevator Bell Rings]
- Members only. | - Oh, we're going up to | Congressman Johnson's office.
I hate to be the one to tell you, | but Congressman Johnson died.
I'm the new congressman. I'm Congressman | Johnson and this is my staff.
I'm sorry, Congressman. | I didn't see your pin.
In fact, I still | don't see your pin.
- What pin? | - Your member-of-Congress pin.
- I'm gonna have to look you up. | - I'm in the book under Johnson. | Thomas Johnson.
- Congressman. | - [Giggling]
Thomas Jefferson Johnson.
- Yeah, I'm the man. | - No picture available.
Oh, wait a second. I have my driver's | license with me. Got a picture in late.
Here it... | If I can get it out.
- Driver's license. | - Oh.
See? Same cat.
How could I ever have doubted you? | Where to?
We're going up to 518.
Well, the elevator | only goes to four. You'll have | to take the stairs from there.
Are you gonna be grabbin' my ass | like old Congressman Johnson?
Oh, no. I would | never grab your ass.
Well, you said that awful fast. | What's wrong with my ass?
Oh, there's nothing | wrong with your ass.
I'm just, you know, I'm just, what, | I'm, I'm the new congressman,
and I won't be doin' none | of those things he did.
I ain't gonna grab nobody's old ass. | I mean, I ain't gonna grab nobody's ass.
You know? Hey, I think we | on the fourth floor.
I'll grab it.
[Elevator Bell Ringing]
Stairs are to the right. | Enjoy.
Later, baby.
Wait here a second.
Good morning, Congressman.
What is this shit-hole? | Look at this place. What is this?
Oh, um... you missed | the freshman lottery for offices.
They assign them by draw.
You didn't show for the draw, | so you got the worst office in Congress.
What lottery? | I missed a lottery?
It was all in those briefing books | I mailed you.
What else have we missed here?
Are you hiring me, Congressman?
- It's a shakedown. | - Excuse me?
Oh, ho-ho-ho! You're shaking | me down, aren't you?
Okay, I'm gonna love this town.
Okay, I've been here five minutes | and you're already shaking me down.
All right, you're hired.
Listen, fill me in on everything | 'cause I don't wanna miss the good shit.
## [Classical]
[Indistinct Chatter]
- Let's go meet the natives. | - Yeah.
[Thomas] Can you be | a little more elegant than that?
Shakin' your ass and shit.
Hey, how ya doin'? | Thomas Johnson.
Rafe Simon, freshman from Tulsa. | And this is...
- Bo Chandler from, uh... | - Lufkin, Texas.
Great party.
You're Jeff Johnson, | the guy from Florida.
Yeah, that's me.
You know, the rest of us were | out there on the campaign trail,
raising money, kissing ass, | making speeches, dragging | our butts from place to place.
And he slides in | on pure name recognition.
Let me tell you something, Jeff.
Fuckin' brilliant!
I thought I was gonna have to kick | somebody's... Okay. Hey, no, I'm sorry.
Thanks a lot. | And don't call me Jeff.
Jeff is my working name. | My name is Thomas, and this | is my cousin, Miss Loretta.
How do you do? How do you do? | [Laughing]
What were you guys before you | got elected? Lawyers or something?
Oh, hey, no. I did morning weather | and traffic for KTOK in Tulsa.
- Oh. [Laughing] | - [Chandler] You don't remember me?
Tight end for the Oilers? | My knee gimped out on me?
Oh, yes! Oh, hey, man. | I was wonderin' what happened to you.
- Why don't you stop by my reception? | - Yeah, but don't go...
to his reception before | you go to my reception.
I'm gonna be offended | if you don't come by my reception.
- Okay. | - [Thomas] Okay.
I guess you're gonna | have to have a reception.
Yes, I guess we'll have | to have something.
Shit, I don't know nothin' | about no reception.
You know what I love about this town? | The way everybody call you a member.
Every time I hear that, | it make me think about Mister Happy.
- [Laughing] | - Hey, hey!
Watch them sprinklets, man! He's | laughin' and piss shootin' everyplace.
I got a sprinkler too now. | Back at ya!
- Ow! | - All right, then.
- Mike Hoyt, lowa. | - Thomas Johnson, Florida.
So how'd you wind up in D.C., lowa? | You do the crop report | on TV or somethin'?
No, actually, I owe it all | to the Vietnamese.
Oh, you're a war hero.
P.O.W. When I got back | to Cedar Rapids,
I spent so many years telling the Rotary | Club what was wrong in Washington...
they finally told me to either | put up or shut up. Ha!
So I put up, and here I am.
What are you talkin' about? | What's wrong with Washington? | Washington's great!
Oh, come on. We got acid rain | killing fish and nobody's stopping it.
There's topsoil being washed away. | No erosion programs.
- Why, there's chemicals | in the livestock that... | - We might have some luck.
My God, I sound like a boy scout. | [Laughing]
No, actually, that's nice. This town | could use a few geeks like you.
- Hi. | - Pete Slocum, Asbestos | Information Institute.
How are ya, Pete? | Nice to meet ya.
Ken Korngold, National | Distilled Spirits Association.
- Very good to meet you, Ken. | - Nice to meet you.
- Paul Zeckhauser, American | Tobacco Council. [Coughing] | - How are you, Paul?
I hope you can all come to my reception. | You know Miss Loretta from my office.
- Hi. Hello. | - Terry Corrigan.
Soon as I saw how you got elected, | I knew you were a real comer.
Hell, I bet Olaf Andersen | voted for you.
I don't know. | Who's Olaf Andersen?
Won't tell him you asked. | Fella on the left up there.
Chairman, Gulf Coast Power.
Constituent of yours, | client of mine.
Pays the rent, | know what I mean?
Say, could I host a "welcome | to Washington" fund-raiser for you,
down at my law firm | on K Street?
- Absolutely. | - At $500 a head,
you could pick up 20, 25 grand | to help you get started.
[Nervous Laugh]
And how much of that | are you gonna get?
It doesn't come off the top.
Down the road, | I'll bill each of them 500 an hour | whenever I take you to lunch.
You know, Terry, you and I | are gonna be so close.
I wanna welcome | the new members to Washington.
We haven't had a freshman class | this big in a long time.
[Laughing]
Well, Congress needs your new blood, and | you in turn are gonna need new friends.
That's why, tonight, we unite | the two great pillars of our system.
Political and financial.
Now, you know, Congress | has taken many hits of late.
But, Congressmen, | look around you.
The people you see here tonight | are the ones that have stood behind us.
And they are the ones that will be | invaluable to you in your next campaign,
which I might remind you | is less than two years away.
Now this is our system of checks | and balances at its very finest.
Dick Dodge, from your home state. | Gonna run for speaker.
Raises more money | than any other member.
But, of course, | he's on the right committee,
- Which makes all the difference. | - Yeah, of course.
But I'm not telling you anything | you don't already know.
No, he's on the right committee, so | I guess that makes all the difference.
Not just on the committee. | He's chairman of it.
The big boys have to line up | to take numbers...
to throw money his way.
- Your friends can always call on you. | - No shit.
[Woman] | Thank you very much.
[Dodge] | Oh, uh, Mr. Johnson?
You know, it's customary | for the new members...
to pay a visit on us old fogies | in the leadership, especially | from your home state.
Well, I would have, but I | just got in town. I'm sorry, man.
You know, you can make up for it | by having a nightcap with me.
- Oh, absolutely. | - Can I have my car take you home?
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Chairman,
but you ain't about to start no homo | shit, are you? 'Cause I ain't with it.
- Oh? | - Hey.
No! But that's good thinking, Thomas. | I'm impressed by your instincts.
I didn't wanna | have to whup your ass.
- [Laughing] | - You know what I mean?
Tell me, Mr. Johnson, | why'd you come to Washington?
Well, of course, it's an opportunity | to do something for my country, and...
Now let's just cut the bullshit.
I saw how you got elected.
Now flukes like you are either | nut cases or troublemakers.
I just wanna know which one | I've got on my hands.
Why did you run for Congress?
- No bullshit? | - No bullshit.
We got this whole | topsoil problem...
and, uh, acid rain | is killing cattle.
- [Pounding At Door] | - What? Yes? What? What?
- What? | - [Thomas] Einhardt! Wake up!
[Pounding Continues]
What is the name of that committee | Dick Dodge is chairman of?
- Congressman, this is a surprise. | - Come on, man, spit it out.
- What's the name of the committee? | - Uh... Uh...
Come on, come on, come on. | What is it?
Uh... oh. | Power and Industry.
- Is something wrong with the hotel? | - No.
Tell me about this Power and Industry. | I heard it's really good.
- This is a good thing, right? | - Yes, they call it "the honey pot."
Each member is constantly being lobbied | by every cash-rich trade group in town.
Oh, it's 2:40 a.m. | Did you realize that?
Ah, man, forget that! | We're public servants.
Time ain't supposed to mean | nothin' to us, right?
- How do I get on this committee? | - Um, that would be seniority.
Uh, after six terms in office,
uh, say, 12 years of service,
your name moves along the list | and before you know it,
you're off the Fisheries committee | and on to Power and Industry.
- Can this wait? I'm much | more coherent in the morning. | - No, you're doin' fine.
But I need to know how I can get | on this committee, like, immediately.
Okay, okay. | All right, all right.
Uh, immediately. Immediately.
- Within, say, your next four years? | - No, no, no, no.
Immediately, | like in my first four days.
Now you're a smart guy. | That's why I hired you.
You might be standin' here | in these fire engine boxer shorts,
but I have faith in you. | I'm countin' on you.
- Talk to me, Reinhardt. | - Yes, thank you.
I don't think | it's possible, sir.
It would be unprecedented | for a freshman congressman...
to be put onto that committee.
Unless...
Well, only in the most remote,
hypo... | hypothetical situation.
Yes?
- This is ridiculous, right? | - For instance?
Well, if the, uh, President | of the United States...
were to do you a personal favor.
Or, uh, some enormously powerful | special interest group.
Chairman Dodge, please.
Will you tell him that it's Mr. Joshua | Benjamin from the NAACP on the line?
No, ma'am, actually, you'll | be of a great deal of help.
I have a few minor questions. | I would like to know...
how many members of the chairman's | committee are African-Americans.
None. Well, I'm sure you have | a Latino member on the committee.
No Latinos either.
Does the chairman have any Asians or | any Native Americans on the committee?
No Asians and no natives.
Does the chairman have any handicaps | or gays on the committee?
No gays. Well, you've been | of a great deal of help.
Just forget I even called. | Just tell him I said hi.
Okay, um, Armando, Van Dyke, | you guys are up next.
I'll go hit 'em with | the Urban League right away.
Fine. And I'll be the conference of | Southern Baptist Bishops. [Chuckling]
What do you want me to do?
Oh, hi. We haven't met yet.
I'm Loretta Hicks. | Congressman Johnson's office?
Oh, hi. I'm Kimberly Meadows. | I work for Chairman Dodge.
Power and Industry. | How'd you get that job?
I used to serve under | the other Congressman Johnson,
so I had the right experience.
Well, I hope you haven't | been bothered by the pickets.
What pickets?
Oh. Did, did I let | the cat out of the bag?
- Are we gonna be picketed? | - Look, you've got to promise...
not to say where | you heard this from.
- Not even my congressman knows. | - I promise.
Okay. My boyfriend works | at the Rainbow Coalition,
and he said...
[Telephone Ringing]
[Telephone Ringing]
Congressman Johnson's office. | Chairman Dodge?
Yes. Okay.
That was Dodge. | He wants to see you pronto.
So we still haven't | lost our touch.
Asi.
He should be back in a moment, | Congressman Johnson.
[Thomas] | Oh! They're here now.
- We haven't met. Eli Hawkins. | - How ya doin'?
Brother Eli. Yeah. All right.
- All right. Thomas Johnson. | - Yes, I know. The Florida upset.
Now that you're here, | what are you gonna do with it?
You gonna feather your own nest, or are | you gonna make something of your office?
Hey, I'm gonna be as good a congressmen | as anybody else up here, all right?
Exactly what does that mean?
Well, uh, ever since | I got back from, from 'Nam...
I personally wanna do something | about the rain forests.
Well, do me a favor. Don't tell me. | I've just had my lunch.
Eli, you're gonna | have to excuse us. Thomas and I | are late for a meeting. Come on in.
What's his problem?
Uh, Mr. Chairman, I have been meaning | to ask your advice about something.
I'm always available | to a young man from my state.
Great. It's about | committee assignments.
Now that's interesting. That's just | the thing I had in mind. Go ahead.
For the last two days, | I have been getting approached...
by a bunch of chairmen | from different committees.
I've been approached by the people | from Foreign Affairs.
I've been approached by the people | from Ways and Means and Armed Services.
They all want me on their committees | and I don't know why.
- I'll be damned! | - You can understand my dilemma, | 'cause it's like,
with Foreign Affairs, you get to | fly off to Paris whenever you want.
With Armed Services, | they got bases all over the globe.
Son, are you familiar with | my committee? Power and Industry?
Oh, yeah. But, uh, it's not as well | known as these other committees.
Well, maybe not, but you've | been very frank with me.
I'm gonna be | extremely frank with you.
These other committees, | they're nickel-and-dime stuff.
Power and Industry, | think of what we cover.
Energy, transportation, | insurance, the environment.
Hell, son, there's no better | committee on the Hill.
That is, if you're interested | in fund-raising.
I am, very much. It's just that these | other chairmen made pretty strong cases.
These other chairmen | aren't from your home state.
Hmm.
They're not offering | to take you under their wing.
- Look out for your future. | - And you are?
Hell yes, I am.
Oh, well, I'm very flattered, | Mr. Chairman.
Dick.
- Well, I'm very flattered, Mr. Dick. | - No, no, no, no.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Chairman Dick. | - No, Dick. Just Dick.
- Oh, Dick. Just plain old Dick. | - Yeah.
Fine. I know you don't | get something for nothing. | What do you want from me, Dick?
[Chuckles] Well, son, | I want an able lieutenant.
And I want you to smile | for the cameras.
Skeeter, you know Thomas Johnson, | the new member of the committee?
Thomas, this is | Barclay Warburton.
- How are you, Barclay? | - Skeeter, please.
- Been called that since boarding school. | - Oh, sorry, man.
- Cheers. | - Yeah, cheers. Skeeter.
Thomas, please. Been called that | since reform school.
This EPA oversight hearing | of the committee on Power | and Industry will come to order.
I would like to welcome | our first witness,
the distinguished administrator | of the Environmental Protection Agency.
But before I do, | I would like to note that we | have a new member joining us today.
The distinguished gentleman | from Florida.
[Photographer] Congressman Johnson? | Sir, can we get a shot, please?
- Thank you. | - How am I doing?
Great. Great.
Well, Mike, enjoy | those hors d'oeuvres.
[Indistinct Chatter]
Hi. My name is Miss Loretta, | and I'd like it...
very much if you'd sign | one of these little name tags.
That would be just nice.
It's an informal breakfast. You give us | your point of view, we give you, uh,
bacon and eggs | plus a $2,000 honorarium.
For your favorite charity, | of course.
The Thomas Jefferson Johnson | Foundation.
Oh, okay. An honorarium.
I like the way that sounds.
[Man] Excuse me. | Nice to see you.
[Thomas] | Excuse me a second.
- Hi. | - Hello.
- How are you? Very nice | to meet you, Miss Celia Kirby. | - Good, thank you.
It's a extremely beautiful name | for an extremely beautiful woman.
Well, my, that was very smooth.
You know, after about ten hours | straight on my feet,
making small talk, breathing in | that cheap cigar smoke,
that is exactly the kind of line | I'm ready to fall for.
- [Chuckling] Slow down, okay? | - Sure.
Tell me, which one of these guys | is Congressman Johnson?
- You're looking for the congressman? | - Yes.
How would you feel if I told you | I was the congressman? Aha!
- Oh, duh! | - I'm so sorry.
Would you give me two seconds to take | my foot out of my mouth, please?
Take all the time you need. | Can we start over again?
Yes, Celia Kirby, | Legislative Director of Pro Bono.
Celia kirby from Pro Bono! | Very nice to meet you.
- Yes. | - Would you tell me something?
Are all the pro bonettes | as fine as you?
Pro Bono is a public interest | research and advocacy group.
I'd be delighted to brief you | on our priorities this session.
Do you think, perhaps, I could call | your A.A. and be put on your schedule?
- Call my A.A.? | - Yes.
No, you don't have to call my A.A. | Why don't we do this?
Why don't we, say now, go out to | dinner? You can brief me at dinner.
I'd like an appointment, | Congressman, not a date.
We could write it up | as an appointment,
but we'll have, like, | flowers and dinner,
a mandolin, and it'll be | a "floral" appointment.
It was a pleasure | to meet you, Congressman. | I will be in touch with your staff.
There's one other thing. | I'm particularly interested...
in hearing your view on extending | the sexual harassment law | to include congressmen.
Oh. I get it.
Can we turn the A.C. down, please?
Thank you.
Uh, I have a confession to make. | I don't know very much about poultry.
But I do know people,
and I like you people. | I really do.
And if you people come to me | and you say to me...
that you have something to say | important about poultry,
I'm gonna listen. | Thank you very much.
Thank you for seeing us. | We won't take up much of your time.
- This is Ira Schecter, | our research director. | - Hi, Ira, how are you?
This is Mr. Reinhardt. | You remember him?
Come sit next to me | and have this chitchat.
I've been dying to talk to you | about these issues.
Sit, everybody, sit. | Come on.
- All right. | - We can take as long as we want.
Congressman, you do have | several people waiting.
- No, no, they can wait. | - They can wait.
What are you doing standing, Ira? | Sit down, Ira!
Uh, sure.
Well... [Clears Throat] | These are issue papers.
- Ah. | - This session we're | targeting child safety,
auto insurance premiums | and food additives.
Certainly, as the votes come up, you'll | be hearing plenty from the other side.
We simply would like a fair shot | at making our case too.
- Absolutely. | - Absolutely.
Okay, now, let's talk about car | insurance. What are you paying, Ira?
- Me? Oh. | - [Thomas] Yes.
Uh, well, I have an '82 | Dodge Dart and, uh,
I pay about $650 a year, | or so.
Six hundred fifty dollars? | Man, that's highway robbery.
A chop shop wouldn't give you more | than 230 on a junker like that.
Or so I've heard.
Hey, look, | I'm flying blind here.
What we need to do is for you | to put together a little package.
Put a package together | for me and we'll sit down.
We'll block aside two Saturday evenings | and we can discuss it then.
Well, I don't see any problem | with arranging that.
Once again, you've been more than | generous with your time, Congressman.
What are you doin'? | I clear my whole calendar and you're | in and outta here in five minutes?
Look, sit down. | We haven't discussed child safety yet.
Ira, sit. I'm gonna slap you. | Sit. Come on, down. Sit down!
Let's finish talking. | Let's talk about child safety now.
This is an important issue. | Child safety.
Well, we are sponsoring a bill imposing | safety standards on imported toys.
Great. I hate imported toys. | Hate 'em.
I wish they didn't exist. | Especially those little baseball men...
with the springs in their neck that do | this. What is that? Fuck that, right?
- Fuck that. | - [Thomas] Yeah, I hate that.
Why don't we do this? Like I said, | put the package together.
We'll block aside a couple of Saturday | evenings and we can discuss it...
- And you can take me | through all the ins and outs. | - "Ins and outs"?
I'd like to do | more money for you,
but first I've got to get | your positions on a few issues.
Now where are you | on sugar price supports?
- Sugar price supports. | - Hmm?
- Where should I be, Terry? | - Shit, it makes no difference to me.
If you're for 'em, I got money | for you from my sugar producers | in Louisiana and Hawaii.
If you're against 'em, I got money | for you from the candy manufacturers.
- You pick. | - Let's say... for.
Yeah, for. For.
How about putting limits | on malpractice awards?
Oh, you tell me.
If you're for 'em, I got money from | the doctors and insurance companies.
If you're against 'em, | I got money from the trial lawyers.
- Let's put you down as against. | - Yeah, you know what? | Put me down for against.
How about pizza?
Oh, no, this salad | is gonna be enough for me.
Not for lunch, old buddy. | For PAC money.
You thought I was serious? | I was fuckin' with you.
- Well, you are. You are! | - Fuckin' with you. Uh, duh!
Terry, tell me something.
With all this money | comin' in from both sides,
how could anything | possibly ever get done?
It doesn't. | That's the genius of the system.
[Thomas, Terry Laugh]
Hey, baby, put down nuclear | power for ten G's.
Mambo!
[Loretta] | Cool! Yeah, the congressman's | gonna be out your way next week.
Mr. Willie? Congressman Johnson | calling. Can you take his call?
Thank you. Please hold.
A-one, a-two...
Yes, Mr. Brown. | Uh-huh, on the 30th.
We were wondering whether | you aerospace people...
might want to lay on a luncheon | so that you can hear his views.
I'm sorry, Mr. Willie. | He just picked up another call.
I know why he was calling you. He hasn't | heard from you about his fund-raiser.
A thousand dollars a head? | A whole table!
Lovely. Yeah.
Well, now, what kind of | a contribution to his foundation | were you folks thinking about?
Now, we'll have a little | huntin' in the morning,
little fishin' in the afternoon,
clean air, beautiful scenery.
All to work up a good appetite, | 'cause we got a fine French chef...
back at the lodge | flown in special.
Oh! That's very, very nice.
- You don't want anything from us? | - We would enjoy the opportunity...
to share our views.
You see, we feel that the semiautomatic | weapon's gotten a bad rap.
Now, the gun control nuts try to make | out that they're for drug dealers only.
But, uh, really, they're just guns | for the ordinary sportsman.
[Chuckling] | Nothin' like a nice, warm Uzi.
[Duck Call Quacking]
[Duck Call Continues]
[Quacking]
Yee-hee!
Must have had a heart attack.
Aaah!
And according to the 1988 study, | it showed eight per 100,000.
- Am I losing you on these | mortality rates, Congressman? | - No, not at all.
I was, uh, I was just wondering | how much of this is a statutory problem,
- And how much of it is a regulatory one. | - Mmm, mm-hmm.
- Didn't the Merton Act | cover most of this? | - Excellent point.
Excellent point. | Let me check something out.
Excuse me.
You're absolutely right.
Maybe we could get them | to amend Merton.
Oh, get 'em to amend it.
Yes!
Get 'em to amend it, huh? | Well, "For Merton to apply,
you have to show high contagion.
It sounds to me like | your contagion... rates...
are no higher | than the common clod."
"Cold." "Common cold."
Excuse me a second. Arthur!
- Ow! | - What were we talking about?
How'd you wind up hustling for pro bono | instead of pesticides anyway?
- 'Cause you could have | been a big-time lawyer. | - I was for a while.
- But it depressed me. | - What could be depressing | about makin' $100,000 a year?
- I know you gotta get sick | of losin' all the time. | - Of course I do.
Mainly it makes me angry, | and the anger keeps me going.
Of course I'd like to win a few | and I'm not allergic to money either.
- So why are you doin' it? | - Hey.
It's so embarrassing to come | right out and say why I do it.
- Why? | - It's embarrassing for me to say.
- I just feel... | - Stop! What?
Meaning!
My life has to mean something.
So now I have a question for you.
I'd like to know how you | got named after a memorial.
Oh. | [Chuckling]
My grandmother liked Jefferson. | You know, "life, liberty | and the pursuit of happiness."
You know, | old black folks' thing.
There's a lot to live up to, so I | kinda specialize in one portion of that.
That's the pursuit | of happiness.
- And how's it going? | - Um.
- Honestly? | - Mm-hmm.
I was goin' real good | 'til I met you.
Now, the better I do, | the worse I feel.
Isn't that strange?
Mmm, when can I see you again? | Let's go to dinner Saturday night.
- How about Sunday morning? | - Oh, oh, brunch?
The wages of sin is death!
And to the man who values | gold over goodness,
the Lord allows no exemptions.
- [Congregation] Amen. | - Amen.
And to the man | who shows no respect...
for the privilege | of walking this Earth,
the Lord allows no deductions.
- Amen. | - And to the man whose | pockets are bulging...
and whose soul is empty,
the Lord grants | no 90-day extension.
And when the last trump sounds,
believe me, | you will be audited.
This is a wonderful date.
Oh, darling, | I'm glad you could make it!
Oh, I love that sermon, | Uncle Eli.
This is your uncle?
Yes, my niece tells me you're | not half as slimy as I thought.
That puts you somewhere between a lizard | and a toad. Quite a step up, huh?
Thank you very much.
Forgive me for staring. I don't know | how I missed the family resemblance.
She's you in a skirt.
[TV Announcer]... trailing by 13 | as we begin the second half.
[Man] Yeah, I guess we're | all bringin' our wives.
Al, you gonna bring your wife, | ain't ya?
[Al Chuckling] | You bet.
[TV Continues Indistinct]
Uh-huh. Uh.
[TV Continues Indistinct]
Oh, I slipped.
- Ellie. | - How ya doin', Thomas?
I need your help | on the ethics bill, Leon.
- I want you to cosponsor my amendments. | - You make a persuasive case, Eli.
But that wasn't a yes.
I promise to give it | the attention it deserves.
- Better luck next time, son. | - Yeah, man, you're so good. | He's so good.
He took $600 off you | that last hand, didn't he?
- He took a real shinin' to me. | - If I didn't know any better,
I'd say you lost to him | on purpose.
There's nothin' wrong with lettin' | the head of the ethics committee...
roll ya every now and then.
You know, you're gonna fit in | real good around here. Too good.
How come you never ask me | to help you out with your amendments?
Oh, come on, Thomas. | Give it a rest.
Everybody knows | you're Dick Dodge's boy.
Hey, man, I ain't | nobody's boy, all right?
Don't waste your outrage on me. | I know what ya are.
- I am no different than | anybody else up here, okay? | - That's not true.
You see, some people here actually do | something besides saving their own ass.
You know, just then you | reminded me of my father.
Did I really? How so?
He used to say I was a scumbag too.
[Bell Ringing]
Aren't you going to vote?
Is that what that means? | You know, all this time I've | been listenin' to that shit,
thinkin' it was time for | Final Jeopardy or somethin'.
[Chuckling]
[Indistinct Chatter]
- [Thomas] Excuse me. | - Excuse me, Congressman.
- I'm Mrs. Koslowski. | - Hi, I'm leaving.
We were just learning how a bill | becomes a law. Was that a vote?
Yes, that was a vote in there. | Oh! Oh!
Yes, that was a vote. | A vote was made. Bye-bye.
- And what did you vote? | - Ah, I voted nay.
It was a terrible bill and it would have | destroyed the fabric of American life.
What was the vote on?
[Chuckling] | Rafe!
Rafe, will you talk to these nice | people. Explain to them about the vote.
Well, it was a motion on the | previous question on the rule.
No, it was a motion | on the recommitment...
of the rule of the motion | of the previous question.
- Which means? | - Clean air.
School lunches.
Ah, you see the difficult choices | we have to make here, kids,
between clean air | and school lunches, okay?
That's why I want to be the education | congressman. See, 'cause I feel...
that American students should be able to | eat lunch and breathe at the same time.
And I see an America where | there's no such thing...
as a student | who is below average.
And I think it is wrong when students | have to stay up late at night...
and miss all the good shows | doing homework.
Then get up early in the mornin' | and go to school.
This sort of thing just is not fair.
[Cheering]
- Uh, good morning. May I help you? | - Yes, I'm Ellen Juba.
- This is my daughter, Mickey. | - Hi.
We'd like to see our congressman. | We live in the district.
Just a moment, please.
Ah, could you come out? | Thank you.
Be right with you. | I like your hat.
How do you do? I'm Miss Loretta, | public liaison for the congressman.
Ellen Juba, my daughter, Mickey. | We'd like to see him.
Y'all from the district? | Up here seeing the sights?
How'd you folks like some | gallery passes? Go listen | to the great debates of our day.
We don't wanna go to the gallery. | We wanna see Congressman Johnson.
Well, how about a house key ring? | For each of you?
Here, see that? Isn't that | something? Turns into a pen.
I don't think you understand. | We're not tourists. We're constituents.
You're not with some organization, | are you, honey?
I'm a goddamn citizen. | Isn't that enough?
Do you have an appointment?
No, I do not have | an appointment, because y'all | keep givin' me the runaround.
Well, I'm sorry, but the congressman | is a very busy man.
Now, if you'd like to discuss it | with me, I will personally...
go over the issue with him | and get a letter out to you.
We're not leaving here | until we see him.
Armando, would you come out front? | We have a situation.
You stop palming me off | on your flunkies.
Are you gonna go in there | and tell him we're out here...
or am I gonna go in there | and tell him myself?
- Excuse me, may I help you, please? | - Yes, you can.
- I would like to see | my congressman, please. | - He's not here today.
- I bet he is here. Excuse me. | - No, no, please, lady.
- No, you just let me by! | - No, don't push. Okay. Ya! Ya!
- [Indistinct Shouting] | - I am sick of this! I am fed up!
- I have every right! Let go of her! | - Hey!
Oh, baby.
Come on, Mama. Let's go.
Hey.
What happened to you?
The doctor says they got it all. | I'm gonna be okay.
I was lucky, but, | but there are others.
- What others? | - Other kids. They call it | a cancer cluster.
At first, none of us in the neighborhood | wanted to believe it.
But then we all saw it.
For me, it was when the two-year-old | across the street...
developed a brain tumor | same as Mickey's.
We looked at everything: | the water, the air, dump sites.
Insects, you name it.
And then we realized it was | starin' us right in the face.
- What? | - Power lines.
High-voltage power lines.
The wires cause magnetic fields | and the magnetic fields cause cancer,
especially in children.
I've never heard anything | like that in my life.
Why don't you just | come see for yourself?
[Children Laughing]
- This is Mickey's school? | - Uh-huh.
It turns out a lot of schools | are near power lines.
Land's cheap, so schools tend | to buy it from the power companies.
We're nobody, Congressman. | You're somebody.
- We need your help. | - [Sighing]
Will you excuse me | for a second? Come here.
- Is this real? | - That depends on who you ask.
Some people say it's worse | than asbestos or breast implants.
Others say it's coincidental.
Well, you. What do you say?
I think it's very suspicious that the | White House would kill an EPA report...
saying that power lines | probably cause cancer.
- They did that? | - Yes.
[Sighing]
Well, I gotta do somethin' | to help these people.
Don't tell me you're actually | developing a conscience.
Oh, God, I hope not. It'd be | a fuckin' nuisance in Congress.
But if I were, | what could I do to help them?
This goes beyond personal tragedy.
It goes to a public health hazard | of unknown proportions.
It goes to the right of the ordinary | people to know all the facts!
Yeah, people ought to know if | the neighborhoods are killing them.
Amen, gentlemen.
Amen! And what a fine effort it is. | I'm totally sympathetic.
Congressional hearings should | be scheduled just as soon as possible.
The American people | deserve no less.
Message: we care.
Turn this way, please.
- Right here, sir. Great! | - Over here.
[Thundering]
Cheers.
You know, son, | you're a real comer.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised | if you ended up in the leadership.
I'll say this, | if I were speaker,
I'd sleep better with you | as a lieutenant.
Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman. | I'm surprised to hear you say that.
'Cause I really honestly didn't | think you was gonna go with me | on this power lines thing.
- But I'm not. | - But you said you're sympathetic.
Well, of course I did. We're all | sympathetic to little girls with cancer.
But I'm not sympathetic | to holding a public inquiry.
- You just said... | - I know what I said.
But sound bites | aren't sworn testimony.
Now look, son, it's great to get | your name in the newspaper.
Let 'em know you care. | Very smart move, Thomas.
But that's as far as I | would go with this if I were you.
[Intercom Buzzing]
Yeah? Oh, fine, fine.
No, no, no, send 'em in.
We've got some | unexpected visitors.
- Hope you don't mind. | - Oh, hell, no.
Sure, great.
[Laughing] | Mr. Chairman!
Olaf!
- Hello, Terry. | - Evenin', Mr. Chairman.
Thanks for tak... | Thomas!
They let you in here, | you S.O.B.?
You folks finally gonna | get to press flesh. Olaf!
Come and meet Thomas Johnson. | Thomas, Olaf Andersen.
- Chairman, Gulf Coast Power. | - Glad to meet ya, son.
They tell me you got | a real talent for the game.
This is Zeke Bridges, CEO, | Superior Mutual Insurance.
Som-bitch.
- Oh, you two know each other? | - Ah, no, we haven't met.
But I know a great deal | about the man.
We share a common interest | in international affairs.
Swedish in particular.
Oh, another Rolex. I collect these. | Mine's a slightly older model.
Can I have a double bourbon, | please?
It is very nice finally | meeting you, Mr. Bridges.
Yes, it's nice to meet you, | Congressman.
Thomas and I were just talkin' | about, uh, power lines.
Man, I think we oughta | have those hearings.
Well, now look, Thomas, why don't | we get, uh, Olaf's take on this?
Well, it's tragic. | Cancer's a terrible thing.
But there's no way you | can link it to power lines.
- The truth is... | - Wait a minute, | there have been studies...
Every study that says one thing, | I'll show you a study saying another.
We've studied this ourselves. | Nada.
What if all you guys | are wrong?
Thomas, do you want us | to move the power lines?
You know how much it would cost to bury | those things in Florida alone?
- We're talkin' $5 billion. | - Not counting the liability claims.
How would you like | the people in your district | to think of you as the fellow...
who tripled | their electric bill?
I just thought that if | we had the hearings...
Think for a moment, chum. | You hold your hearings.
Overnight, everyone who | lives near a substation...
will find the value | of his home in the toilet.
- You'll kill the real estate market. | - You'll kill the insurance companies.
- You'll kill the school district. | - You'll kill the local economy.
[Thundering]
Son, system ain't perfect.
But the fleas come with the dog.
Maybe I should | think about it, huh?
- Atta boy. | - [Clearing Throat]
Oh, Thomas, on a completely | different subject here.
You haven't set up | a state PAC yet, have ya?
'Cause I'd be happy to start one off | with a contribution of, say, 200,000.
No strings attached.
Natch.
- You were beautiful, Olaf. | - No, you were beautiful, Dick.
- No, you were beautiful, Terry. | - To the mutual aid society.
- Hey. | - Hi.
So? Are the Jubas | gonna testify? Hmm?
When's the committee | holding hearings?
Um, actually, I think the, the hearings | might be postponed a little bit.
What's Dodge pulling now?
Nothin'. It's actually kinda good, | 'cause now I get to, you know...
Get to round up some other members | and get my ducks in a row and...
[Laughing]
- You shafted me on the ethics bill! | - Hey, Eli!
You just missed a good one. | Wait a minute, that reminds me.
- Same two old men on a park bench... | - It's a closed rule!
I can't get my amendments on the floor! | I can't get a recorded vote.
I can't get squat!
This is not the rules committee. | This is the steam room.
This is the U.S. Congress. The American | people deserve better than this!
You know what your problem is, Eli? | You've got "sermonitis."
[Laughing]
Now, why don't you just relax? | Have a massage.
I've got news for ya, Dick. | I'm gonna run against you for speaker.
I'm gonna make this | whole race boil down...
to whether we want a sleaze like you | in the speaker's chair.
I'll bet ya $100 | you don't get ten votes.
[Sighing] | I'm gonna be your shadow, Dick.
Every member ya strong-arm, | every reporter ya background,
every talk show ya go on, | I'll be there.
Five votes! | Nobody likes to hear a sermon.
I may not have a rat's ass | of a chance to beat you,
but I sure as hell | can let the world know...
what you stand for.
I went too far with him. | I know it.
- Now you know him | pretty well, don't you? | - I wouldn't say I knew him well.
Oh, come on, Thomas, | you're seein' his niece.
- Hell, you've been out | to his damn church. | - How do you know that?
Because I keep my ear | to the ground.
Now, Thomas, | he'll listen to you.
I want you to go make | the peace between us.
Tell him we'll work something out | with his amendments.
Not a vote, I won't go that far. | But at least he'll get to say | his peace from the floor.
Just get him off of my back.
- Another round? | - Yeah, why not?
To the honorable Dick Dodge.
Hey.
By the time I'm finished with him, | he won't be speaker.
He'll be lucky | if they don't indict him.
Eli, people do things that they regret, | man. People make mistakes.
- Dick's been under | a lot of pressure lately. | - Come on!
Thomas, you're | Dick Dodge's yes-man.
I am not a yes-man. | When Dick says no, I say no.
I know what you're up to. | He's scared and this is damage control.
Yeah, well, you know what? | This town...
It isn't about | passin' laws anymore.
It isn't about | doing good anymore.
All it's about... | is bein' here.
[Loretta] | Well, as I live and breathe.
- Hey, cuz. | - Hey.
Oh, I'm sorry. This is | Miss Loretta Hicks from my staff.
- This is Congressman Hawkins. | - Pleasure to meet you.
Oh, would you like a drink?
You know, you two look like you | could use a designated driver.
- Oh, good samaritan. | - Praise 'em.
[Dispatcher] Number 22, | I got a pickup at the Regency,
going to National.
You want a girlfriend?
[Dispatcher] | Eighteen, Union Station.
Shit!
[Indistinct Yelling]
[Indistinct]
Oh, shit.
Yeah, I need | an ambulance right away.
[Telephone Beeping] | Hello?
- It's somebody called Thomas Johnson. | - Oh.
- What's wrong? | - I went out with Hawkins.
We got in an accident. | He's out cold. I'm okay though.
- Were you driving? | - No, it was Miss Loretta.
- The girl from your office? | - Yeah. Hey, look, man.
I don't like the way | this looks for anybody, okay?
You said you wanted to | get back in Hawkins' good graces. | This is your opportunity.
All right. Now you listen | to me very carefully.
I want you to tell the ambulance | to take you to Walter Reed Hospital.
It's a privilege they extend | to congressmen. They'll keep it quiet.
I'll handle the police and you go home. | Keep your mouth shut.
[Beeping]
- [Ringing] | - What? What? What?
Hello? Hello? | Mr... . Mr... . Mr. Chairman?
Um, um, um, | no, no, no, no, sir.
No, no, I'm, | I'm, I'm a night owl.
Uh-huh, um...
Oh, my God, | is, is he all right?
G-Good, good, good. | Um, and, and Eli and Loretta?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
That's brilliant, | Mr. Chairman.
No, I'll call the morning shows and | leak the information. They'll eat it up.
At the top of the news, | Maryland Congressman Elijah Hawkins...
is in satisfactory condition | at Walter Reed Hospital...
after an overnight accident | in the district.
That's right, Laura. Hawkins | reportedly had alcohol in his blood.
Also slightly injured was | an unidentified woman whom police say...
is linked to a phone-sex | operation in Florida.
- Shit. | - Linda, Congressman Hawkins?
That's Reverend Hawkins, | isn't it?
Right you are, Laura. And how this plays | into his longstanding campaign...
to reform congressional ethics | is now anyone's guess.
I'm trying to find | Reverend Eli Hawkins.
[Nurse] | Let me check for you.
Yes, he's right around | the corner there.
Stay away from him. | Stay away from me too.
- Celia, listen, we were set up. | - We were set up?
You were in the car. I didn't hear | your name mentioned on the news.
- Somethin' stinks here. | - It sure does, | and guess who it is, Thomas?
You don't give a damn | about anything, do you?
To think the other night | I actually thought you cared...
- About somebody other than yourself. | - You know how I feel about...
Not me! You jerk! | Mickey Juba.
You caved on the power lines, | didn't you?
Don't even answer because I know | you did. What'd you get for it?
- Are you gonna let me talk? | - Get the hell outta here.
Get out!
[Thomas] | Hattie! Hattie Rifkin?
- Oh, rifkeleh! | - Don't rifkeleh me, you momzer!
- What the hell do you want? | - Hattie, I wanna talk to you.
I've heard that before, | Mr. Name-You-Know.
Hattie, I know you got me elected | and I forgot your name in the mornin'. | I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but I really, really, | really... I really need you.
So talk.
Why are we meetin' here, | Thomas?
Trouble at the office?
Well, Dodge says he keeps | his ear to the ground.
But I know that's bullshit. | He has an inside man.
- Reinhardt? | - Yes.
- Let's whack him. | - Hey, this ain't Scarface, all right?
You got a plan?
Big con. | Dick Dodge is the mark.
- Dick Dodge? | - Aren't we getting out | of our league here, man?
This guy's been doin' | the big con for over 30 years.
Mmm, cuz, these politicians,
these are some serious slick fish.
Wait a second. Is everybody | goin' soft here all of a sudden?
Are you all a bunch | of fuckin' incumbents now?
Listen, Thursday, Dick Dodge | is at the arts caucus, all right?
I need to know how long it takes | to get from there to the EPA building.
All right, Armando? | Okay, now.
Loretta, get some information | on the EPA and give that to the roper.
I got a list of equipment | I want you to go get.
- Crazy, baby. | - Hey.
Don't we need a new roper? | I mean, hey, look, everybody | around here knows our faces.
- [Car Horn Honking] | - Speak of the devil.
- My man! | - What up, T?
- Homer! | - What's up?
Hey, Dick. | Eli Hawkins got his tail...
- Caught in a crack, huh? | - He did.
- And you kept my name out of it? | - I did.
- So I owe you? | - You do.
This hearing of the committee on Power | and Industry will come to order.
[Dodge] The health | of America's insurance industry...
Hey, come here. Somethin' came up. | I got a call from an EPA guy.
Said he heard how fast | I bailed on the power lines.
He's got something | really hot for me.
He wants to meet me outta the office, | after business hours, like tonight.
[Thomas] | Mr. Whitney?
You said you'd be alone.
What is he doin' here? | What is he, a cop?
You wearin' a wire? | You wearin' a goddamn wire?
Relax, Mr. Whitney, | I'm not wired.
Yeah?
Well, let's see.
I know you got it. | I just gotta find it, that's all.
- Get your hands off me! | - Hey, man, I told ya he's okay.
He's not wired. | Look. He has no wire here.
No wire. You can trust him. | Look at this guy.
He's got fire engines | on his drawers. This is a good man. | Now cool it. Just relax.
Is this gonna be | something we can use?
Your friends at the power company | would be very interested.
- Talk to me. | - All right.
The White House | is putting heat on the EPA.
Now we're gonna announce | a major investigation...
on the relation between power lines | and cancer clusters.
Mrs. Dodge, it's Arthur Reinhardt. | May I please speak to the chairman?
[Woman On Intercom] | Mr. Andersen? Mr. Bridges is on one.
Zeke! | How in the hell are ya?
[As Zeke] I'm madder than a baptist | in a brothel, you som-bitch!
Olaf! You hear about this EPA bullshit? | Why, it could ruin Gulf Coast Power!
They're goin' ahead with this goddamn | power lines investigation.
I thought we had this settled. | They don't have any proof.
They ain't lookin' for proof! They're | lookin' for dinner and we're it!
I tell ya, I'm about as crazy | as a dog in a hubcap factory.
[Sighing] | Ah, shit.
All right, Zeke.
Zeke, I'm goin' up to D.C. | for the clean air hearings anyway.
I'll talk to Dodge.
- Ya got a second? | - Yeah.
Okay, I heard something. And I know | there's some business in it.
- I'm listening. | - EPA, launching a big | investigation on power lines.
- They're gettin' a lot | of pressure from the White House. | - That's very interesting.
I heard the same thing.
- Nothing gets by you, does it? | - Not much.
But thank you, son. | I appreciate your sharing that with me.
Okay, so, there's probably | something in it for us.
Thomas, if we got the EPA | off Olaf Andersen's back,
he'd be extremely | appreciative.
- So... how do we go about doin' that? | - My committee.
We audit their funding. | Hell, I got him by the balls.
- So you're just gonna | rip their balls o... | - Oh, no, no, no.
Thomas, persuasion.
- Strenuous persuasion. | - Oh, now, that's allowed.
Persuasion, yes. | Intimidation, no.
But... it's a gray area.
- Who's to say which is which? | - Oh!
Persuasion. You can't rip 'em out. | You have to persuade 'em out.
Hey, Dick, is there somebody | you can call to make sure...
the EPA's really doing | the investigation?
- Of course. He oughta be in by now. | - Who?
Skeeter Warburton, of course. | Always go straight to the top, son.
Oh, a little outta | my league, Dick.
Hey.
Watch it.
Let's go!
[Hattie] | Congressman Dodge?
Oh, uh, uh, Mrs. Rifkin | from the, uh...
Silver Foxes. You remember,
America's second-largest | seniors' organization...
with members in every district | in Florida, including yours.
Oh, yes, of course. It's a marvelous | organization, just marvelous.
- Well, it's always a pleasure to see... | - I need to talk to you.
Yes, I'd like that very much, | but right now I'm in a rush | to get back to my office.
- You call for an appointment. | We'll get together... | - This won't take a second.
- Could I just walk ya to your office? | - Uh, well...
- That'd be fine. | - Oh, good.
If the FDA would just agree | to look at the new support hose,
we'd feel like | we made some progress.
Indeed, you know, Mrs. Rifkin, I'm | always so excited to hear your views,
but really, dear, | I've got to run.
So run, | who's keeping you?
So don't be a stranger. | Keep in touch.
[Elevator Bell Ringing]
[Elevator Bell Ringing]
[Coin Clanging]
Kimberly, can you get me | Skeeter Warburton on the phone, please?
Right away, Chairman Dodge.
- Uh, sweep for radon? | - Radon? I'm sorry, l...
I don't recall.
Do you have a work order?
Oh, no, uh, | Supervisor said, uh...
Supervisor said ain't supposed | to be no paperwork on this...
'cause something about | y'all killed some radon study.
Well, we did delete | a few minor budget items.
Hey, how's it gonna look | to the other people...
if they find out I swept your office | for radon, didn't do everybody else's?
- How that gonna look, Mr. Warburton? | - Point taken. Go right ahead.
You better step outside. I gotta spray | some nasty shit. Look at that.
Uh-huh.
Ah, Brenda? I'm stepping out | for a few minutes.
Yeah, Brenda, don't come in here, 'cause | you may get some of this shit on ya.
[As Warburton] | Ah, Brenda, I've changed my mind.
- I'm expecting a call from... | - Mr. Warburton, | Chairman Dodge is on line two.
Oh, speak of the devil. | Put him through.
Afternoon, Mr. Chairman. | Skeeter here.
I need a straight answer | from you, Skeeter.
Is the White House | on your back about power lines?
- Are we off the record, Mr. Chairman? | - Of course.
I had hoped to go up to Hyannis Port | this weekend to spend time with Tish...
and do some sailing, but I don't think | I'm going to be able to because I'm...
spending a lot of time | in the office writing testimony | to your committee on cancer clusters.
Well, l, uh, appreciate | your candor, Skeeter.
- Anything to be of help, Mr. Chairman. | - Bye.
[As Warburton] Ah, take off for | the rest of the week, please, Brenda.
[Dodge] I don't see | how I can help ya on this one.
This is the EPA. | This is the president.
- This is my lifeblood. | - Olaf, I see that. I see that.
But in this town | you've gotta pick your fights.
This could mean | six figures, Dick.
High six figures.
Seven figures?
I suppose a million dollars | isn't too much to insure against | losin' five billion.
- Now you're talkin'. | - But how can I funnel | this kind of money to you?
If that's what you want, | we can find a loophole. | No one will see your fingerprints.
- No one will know? | - No one will know.
Olaf's just making a contribution | as a patriotic citizen.
- And in return for that, he's getting... | - Good government!
Exactly! | Little access, that's all.
Yes, I'm callin' from Chairman Dodge's | office on the Hill.
We wanted to be sure CNN was sending | a crew to the clean air hearings today.
No, not the new | emission standards.
We're breaking news. | This is the biggest thing | since the check bouncing scandal.
This is Cynthia Leeson from | the White House press office.
My boss just wanted me | to call you folks and let you know | we're going to be making...
a very important announcement | today at the clean air hearings.
No, I'm sorry, I can't | tell you that, but it's hot.
If the New York Times wants to be | the only paper in town to miss out...
on the biggest story of the year, | that's just up to y'all.
Hurry up, get into your seats. | Come on, you guys.
[Hattie] It's gonna be a great day. | Molly, next to Harry.
- Let's sit here. | - What, in the back?
- Just sit down, will you? | - All right.
- How's everything? | - Great.
You know what would be | a wonderful way for us to start?
With me congratulating you | on what a wonderful job you've | been doing on the committee.
And really show our appreciation | especially on behalf | of the minority community.
Well, I appreciate that, son. | Thank you very much.
I'm cutting out of here early.
[Ira] | Don't wanna run into him?
This is a mistake. | I never should have come.
I'm surprised, well, delighted | by the media turnout today.
- I had no idea that clean air | was such a good issue. | - Oh, yeah, isn't it somethin'?
This meeting of the Power | and Industry Committee...
to consider the reauthorization | of the clean air act is now in session.
Today's first business is a panel | of national leaders...
in the field of utilities, | but before I welcome them,
the chair would like to yield to the | distinguished gentleman from Florida.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman. | I'd like to make a very personal | statement, Mr. Chairman.
I would like to start off by saying | thank you from the bottom of my heart,
thank you for your leadership | and for your vision.
But most of all I'd like to | thank you for your courage.
Especially for your courage.
- My courage, huh? | - Yes, sir, your courage...
in exposing the corruption | that eats away at this institution.
Your courage in taking on | the special interests...
and your courage in taking | a major new step.
But l-I've done nothing new.
Nothing at all. | What are you talking about?
This is true! Because integrity | is nothing new to you, Mr. Chairman.
Integrity is second nature | to this man.
But still it's a rare public servant | who'll take on the PACs...
and the lobbyists | and the fat cats...
and side with the American family | who just want to live | in safe neighborhoods...
and send their kids | off to safe schools.
Well, I thank the gentleman, | but we really must move along. | If the gentleman would...
Ladies and gentlemen, | yesterday,
I had a meeting | with the chairman...
in his office | with Mr. Olaf Andersen...
of Gulf Coast Power, | and his lobbyist, Mr. Terry Corrigan.
I thank the gentleman! | But we really must move along!
The subject of this meeting...
was the possible EPA | investigation on power lines...
and the connection between them | and increased cancer risks.
Gentleman's out of order.
Now what makes | this meeting different...
from most of the other meetings | that take place in Washington...
was that the American people | were actually represented...
in the form of this.
Oh!
At Chairman Dodge's suggestion,
I videotaped the entire meeting!
Huh?
Don't ya love that?
Isn't that somethin'? Dick Dodge! | Isn't he somethin' special?
- Don't you love this man? | - [Gavel Pounding]
- Gentleman is out of order. | - Dodge double-crossed us.
- You're fired. | - Don't ya love this chairman?
[Gavel Pounding] | Gentleman is out of order!
See, he's brought dignity back to | the name Dick. No longer is it tricky.
Come on, Dick is good! | Dick is good!
- Turn off his microphone! | - Chairman Dodge!
This is neither the time | nor the place for these matters.
But you may rest assured | that the committee...
will investigate them | thoroughly.
Now, we're gonna take | a 15-minute recess.
Dick, you crazy son of a bitch, | you know we planned this.
[Crowd Murmuring]
You stupid son of a bitch! | You taped our conversation?
They are makin' 'em | kinda small nowadays.
You bastard! | You two bastards!
You think you're gonna | hang me out to dry? Bullshit!
If I go down, | you go down, Dick Dodge!
Say, do you remember that little | $300,000 you squeezed outta me...
for your voter | registration scam, huh?
What the hell was that? | Just water under the bridge.
What about the $200,000 | for your phony foundation?
- Or the bundled checks | my executive put in your pocket? | - Okay, now.
- Olaf. | - No, no, I trusted you, Dick. | I gave you my condo in Vail.
- I gave you my corporate jet | to fly all over the... | - All right...
I bought 10,000 copies of your boring, | dull-ass autobiography!
I put up scholarships | to send your kids through college.
I even hired your goddamn color-blind | wife to redecorate my office.
- Olaf! Jesus! Sit down! | - What are you doin'?
- I'm tryin' to tell you, I didn't have | a goddamn thing to do with this! | - You shittin' me?
No, no, no, no! | Think! Think!
I know you got me | by the short and curlies.
What the hell would I have | to gain by sellin' you out?
I had no idea that slime bag | was tapin' us.
Excuse me. Dick?
Lighten up on the slime bag, | huh?
What's your game, Thomas? | Shakedown?
Yeah, it's a shakedown. | All right?
And unless you | wanna see this...
all over CNN, | you're gonna pay my price.
First, I want you | to call Skeeter Warburton.
I want you to tell him to launch | an investigation on power lines.
- Wha... | - Ah! There's more.
I want you to resign. You can | tell people it's for health reasons.
Most of us will believe that 'cause | we've seen you in the steam room.
Why the hell are you doin' this?
I am doing this for Mickey Juba | and I'm doin' this for Celia Kirby | and I'm doin' this...
for my grandmother | and about a million other people | you wouldn't give a shit about.
Who?
- Do we have a deal or not? | - Well, I guess that...
depends entirely on what's | on that tape, doesn't it?
You know what's on this tape. | This is America's sleaziest home video.
Fuck that. Let's see what you | really got on that tape.
- This is just a copy! | - Give me that!
Yo, man, it's just a copy.
[Loretta As Inga] | Maria, my hot-blooded Spanish friend.
Babette, zee Parisian pussycat, | and many others.
- So call the Girls of Many Nations. | - It's a bluff.
- At 1-900-555... | - It's a stinking, cheap-ass bluff.
[TV] | NATO.
But the question is, can we get | the shit back into the horse?
Why not? He never made | any specific charges.
So what do we do when | we go back in the hearing?
Leave that to me. You just walk | back in there lookin' dignified.
- Dignified. | - And you!
You better be very, very quiet | in there, my friend.
I got the goods on you, | and it would be my pleasure to | leave tire marks all over you.
- Oh, like you did Hawkins? | - Oh, not even close.
So unless you wanna spend | the next 20 years in prison,
you keep your mouth shut.
Now, do we understand | each other here?
Yeah, we understand | each other.
Huh?
All right, let's do it.
[Man] All right, folks, | step back, please. Come on.
Clear the hallway now. | Give 'em some room.
[Indistinct Shouting]
Chairman Dodge!
Get that thing outta my face!
What is on that tape?
[Indistinct Shouting]
- Come on, let's go in there! | - Go!
By the way, Dick, I didn't | mean that about your wife.
I think she's great.
Thank you, Kimberly.
These hearings | are now reconvened.
- Without going into details, | - No problem, no problem.
I would like to make | a comment on the...
unfortunate incident | that we all just witnessed.
Now, this body... | Well, indeed our whole...
system of government | is imperfect.
It's imperfect because | it depends on people.
Human beings who make mistakes, | act in haste,
misinterpret things...
Yeah, and do things like buy | 10,000 copies of your autobiography.
Which by the way is not a crime, | unless you make people read it.
- Damn it, sir, you are out of order. | - [Crowd Laughing]
Hey, hey, hey! | Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!
To hell with order. The truth is gonna | come out here today, all right?
All right! | You want the truth?
Here's the truth, Congressman.
The man you see before you | is nothing but a common criminal.
He got into this House | through fraud! Now!
You want more truth, Congressman? | Here's your rap sheet.
Arrest for bookmaking, | cardsharping,
con games, mail fraud.
You know, I had hoped to avoid | damaging this noble institution.
But I can see that you have | no respect for this institution | or for anything else.
There! | I dare you to respond.
[Crowd Murmuring]
Yeah, this is me. | Can't deny it.
Can't deny anything on here. | I did all of this.
Except for this thing. This woman | got her shoes back. This woman here.
But everything else on this list | is real. I did it, don't deny it.
But all of this is nothing...
compared to the shit I pulled off | right here in Washington.
And everything I did in this town | would be considered legit.
Now that is enough! | Have you no shame, Mr. Johnson?
Do you deny that just five minutes ago | you attempted to impugn the integrity...
- Of this committee... | - [Andersen On TV] | You son-of-a-bitch!
- You taped our conversation! | - From a highly-respected...
You two bastards! | You think you can hang me out to dry?
[Andersen On TV] Bullshit! | If I go down, you go down, Dick Dodge!
Hey, you remember that $300,000 | you squeezed outta me...
for that phony voter | registration scam, huh?
What about the $200,000 | for that phony foundation, huh?
Or those bundle of checks | my executive put in your pocket.
- Olaf! Look! | - I trusted you! I trusted you!
I gave you my condo in Vail. | I let you fly my corporate jet.
No, I even bought 10,000 copies of | your boring, dull-ass autobiography.
- Olaf! Sit down! | I'm tryin' to tell ya somethin'. | - What? What?
I didn't have a goddamn thing | to do with this!
- Bullshit! | - Olaf! Think!
- Order! Order! | - You...
Clear the room! | Clear the goddamn room!
I want order! | I will have order!
Come on, let's hear it | for ex-chairman Dodge!
- Come on! Put your hands together! | - Yes!
Let's hear it | for the retiring chairman!
You can do much better than that! | This man is going to jail.
Give him a big round | of applause! Come on!
[Man] | Go write a new book!
- Hey! Hey! | - Thomas!
Thomas! What the hell are you doing? | We're all gonna go to jail!
You son of a bitch!
Look what you did to your man. | Look what you did!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Yeah, you almost | got your ass whipped just then.
[Shouting]
Hold him really tight, hold him. | I want to get some good pictures | while he's got color in his cheeks.
Huh! Now, smile for the cameras, Dick. | How am I doin', huh?
- That's it. | - Thank you. | - Smile, please.
[Cameras Clicking]
So how does it feel | being a national hero?
Terrible. Everybody | knows my face now.
I'm finished in the line | of business I was in.
Can't exactly go into 7-Eleven | and pass bad checks anymore, you know.
- So what are you gonna do? | - Well, I got a full head of hair.
- Uh-huh. | - A famous face | and pretty good bullshit.
- There's only one thing I can do. | - Congress is gonna throw you out.
Yeah, but I'm gonna run | for president.
[Giddy Chuckle]