[heavy breathing]
[moaning]
[heavy breathing]
[moaning]
[moaning]
[grunting]
[music playing]
Hey, [inaudible] get going soon.
And then Ken and I
ran around the corner
straight into the two
cops who just dropped...
Oh, you didn't!
Mm-hm.
And then we were, butt-naked,
being arrested by the same two
cops twice in the one night.
Twice!
[laughter]
Sorry. guys-
Can I start to
clear those for you?
Go ahead.
So Ken's telling them
the reason we're naked
and roaming the streets
is because someone broke
into our house, stole
all our clothes,
and we're chasing after him.
And the cop says,
what did he look like?
Who?
[laughs]
Come on, keep up.
The one who stole our clothes.
[laughter]
So Ken says, fuck, mate.
I didn't see him.
I was too busy
banging your sister.
[groans]
[laughter]
But I was woken up
at 4:00 in the morning
by the police asking if I
want to bail my husband out,
and can I bring some undies?
[laughter]
It was the best damn
funeral I've ever been to.
Oh!
If I got a call from the police
telling me Steve was naked...
You'd be running down there!
Yeah.
No, no. no, no.
No, I'd leave him there.
You would not.
I would!
I have a feeling that Steve
would be A-OK with that one,
eh?
[laughter]
I'd pay for it.
Quit being such a classy guy.
[laughter]
I'm off.
Got recording in the morning.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I've got
a recording in the morning.
[groans]
- Oh, darling.
Shit, where are my keys?
How is the old game
show going, anyway?
Great!
[laughter]
How you doing?
Jeremy.
Good.
Morning, Bob.
Morning, Steven.
Well, fuck me.
Thirty minutes early.
I just wanted to make sure
I'm not holding anyone up.
Yeah, well, if you gave a
rat's ass every other day,
I wouldn't have an ulcer
as big as Bigfoot's balls,
now, would I?
Now, that is gross, boss.
But I still love you.
See you in 30.
Uh, 29.
Ethan, how's my
favorite intern today?
29!
27!
A bit wasted, actually...
Hey, if that's a message
to your boyfriend,
I'm going to be very jealous.
I'm sending a text to my mom.
Ah.
Well, what kind of message do
you send to the boys, then?
OK, sweetheart,
you have my number.
I'd love to read
your prose sometime.
[inaudible]
You are beautiful, aren't you'?
Oops, sorry.
[panting]
[moaning]
[cell phone rings]
[grunting]
STEVE (ON TV): Welcome back
to the show, where we have.
Mrs. Elspeth Zonti on
[inaudible], getting
ready to play for the
$100,000 question.
So, uh, Elspeth,
welcome to the show.
What are you doing
back-Do you have a job?
ELSPETH (ON TV): Yes,
I decorate special
[inaudible] and wedding cakes.
STEVE (ON TV): Oh, so you invent
your own original designs?
ELSPETH (ow TV): I do.
STEVE (ON TV): What kind of
wedding cake would you bake me?
ELSPETH (ON TV): [inaudible]
STEVE (ON TV): Isn't she
sweet, ladies and gentlemen?
[applause]
ELSPETH (ON TV): Are you
thinking of getting married?
[93505]
STEVE (ON TV): I'll
put it this way,
you never know what disasters
the future may hold.
[laughter] So Elspeth, are you
ready to play for the question
that could land you $100,000?
[applause]
[cell phone rings]
Now, how can you be talking to
me and on TV at the same time?
Right, the wonders
of television.
Again?
Can't we... can't
we just stay in?
All right.
Yup.
OK.
Steve.
Nothing.
It's all right.
Bye.
[game show music playing]
[screaming excitedly]
STEVE (ON TV):
We'll be right back!
What's the specials tonight?
(FRENCH ACCENT) Ah, tonight
we have a filet [inaudible].
It comes with
[inaudible], stuffed
with caviar, a sour cream
sauce, and roasted capers.
Well, that sounds
like it's for me.
Alex, what would you like?
Isn't there something simple?
Ah, well, there's the
baby lamb [inaudible] sir.
It comes with the avanti
blanc and the jus de poire.
What is that'?
It's a bit like a hot pot.
Right.
That'll do.
And... and the usual oysters
to start with, shall we?
Oysters'?
- Yeah.
Frisky.
You know, we could eat
at home if we ate at home.
That makes no sense.
Have you noticed we
don't have a home?
What we have is a
pleasure wonderland.
(SCOFFING) Pleasure wonderland?
What are you
talking about, Alex?
We have a beautiful home.
It's an apartment, not a home.
We're building a beautiful
house on the beach.
Yeah, I know we're building,
Steve, but... thanks.
Look, I know we're building.
But how does that make
this different than how
we're living now?
Why?
You want to nest?
Yes.
Yeah, I want to nest.
Well, you know, I want a nest.
Don't you?
Nesting sounds so
old and boring, Alex.
I'm not talking about
wearing matching track suits
and watching "M A S H" all day.
I'm talking about
having a home...
I like "M A S H."
I'm talking about
having a home, OK?
Like a proper home, and
actually living in it.
[Scoffs]
What?
Nothing.
What?
[rapping on window]
[excited giggling]
Don't panic.
Fuck it.
I have to keep the fans happy.
Shit.
Hey, girls!
Aren't they sweet?
Yeah.
[rapping]
[scoffs] Too funny.
[sighs] Fuck off.
Don't be like that.
Can we please get
the fuck out of here?
What do you mean,
go somewhere else?
No, I mean-I mean go home.
It's not our home, Alex.
It's an apartment.
Oh, come on.
You know what I mean, just
get a movie, get some Thai.
Just you and me at our place?
Look, what's the problem'?
I want more, Steve.
All right?
I want to feel like
that we're a family
and that we're not just
fucking around here.
We're building a house from
the ground up on the beach.
Now, that seems...
- Yeah, I want...
a little bit more
than fucking around to me,
don't you think, Alex?
I want something real.
Well, this is not going to
be made out of fucking LEGOs.
Not just about the house, Steve.
Well, what the... what
the fuck is it about?
Huh?
You tell me.
[burps]
Waiter.
[snaps fingers] Would
you like a drink?
No.
Two glasses of wine, please.
Red.
One.
Can you get me a bottle?
Hey, you want to
watch something?
No.
I'll leave it to you.
[woman moaning]
Well, good morning.
Good morning.
Are we ready to get excited?
If you're offering.
Whoo-hoo!
We found the ideal site.
Where?
- Down by Ocean Grove.
- Coffee time!
- Ocean Grove?
- Yeah, it's perfect.
What's wrong with that?
Well, it's his money.
Uh, here we go.
Cafe latte for you.
Thank you.
And a flat white for you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Now, there's... there's
something I really want.
Ah, the S&M room.
All black, leather harness,
porn, mirrors on the ceiling.
Oh yeah, that's... that's funny.
No, I'm being serious.
OK, we're listening.
I want a nursery.
- Um...
- He means a [inaudible].
No, no, no.
No, I mean a nursery.
Yeah?
- Yeah, easy.
Easy.
Everyone should have a nursery.
Um, yeah.
Uh' easy, easy.
Look, um, yeah, we
could... we could
put one here, on the south side,
overlooking the herb garden.
You get that... that
morning light...
Morning sun, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, beautiful.
With its own bathroom here here,
and some sort of... um-can
you put in a rec
room, like there?
Um, well, yeah.
I mean, you see the overhang.
- Yeah.
If we knock that down...
Whoa, hey. guys-
We should think
about this before we
start knocking down walls.
Don't you think, Alex?
[car alarm]
Mm, oh, shit, actually.
I've got another meeting
in about half an hour.
So I'd better, um, take off.
I will be free all day
tomorrow, Steven, so, um,
give me a buzz, all right?
- Thanks.
See you later.
Was I supposed to know?
When were you going to tell me?
OK.
[scoffs] How would you feel,
right, about expanding this?
[music playing]
A baby?
Yes, a baby.
Alex, are you out
of your fucking mind?
What, do you want
to get me pregnant?
Come on, Steve...
Do... do you want me
to get you pregnant?
Alex, it doesn't fucking work...
I want a family.
I want to be a family.
You know, why shouldn't
we bring up a child?
It's not a question
of should or shouldn't.
It's a question of can or can't.
And I... we can't conceive.
So that leaves one other
thing, and that's adoption.
Society is changing.
Well, laws aren't!
Yeah, but Steve, we're...
We're two responsible
people with great income...
I know it's fucked,
Alex, but that still
doesn't change the fact
that they only give
babies to husbands and wives.
And how do we prove anything
about our relationship?
I mean, it will be years before
they change their laws-years.
I'd give up anything, anything.
I'd give up my job if I had to.
I want to be a dad, you know?
I'm ready.
This would change everything.
Hey, hey.
I know.
But you need to
make an appointment
to see a consultant, and of
course, to bring your partners.
We are a couple.
Yes, but you need to bring
your partners, of course.
The consultant
won't see singles,
and your partners
will need to bring
proof of the relationship,
be it marriage or de facto.
We take wedding certificates,
bank records, things like that.
Yeah, I don't think
you understand...
We'll also need proof of
entitlement, meaning wills,
so in the event of your death,
your wife will get the car,
boat, house, et cetera.
Superannuation statement showing
benefactor, life insurance
policy showing benefactor.
So if you just want to
read over the books,
you know, it's got
all the info there.
Uh, let me explain.
I'm... all right-I'm
Alex Thomson, and this...
This is Steven Evans.
[gasps] on!
I knew I'd seen you before!
You're on TV.
Steven Evans, "Guess What."
Yes, that's right.
So you and your partner...
Is it your wife...
You want an adoption.
Well, we could find you a
foster child straight away,
but adoption's a
long, long wait.
We can, of course, arrange
an IVF consultation...
No, no, nothing like that.
No, I didn't think you would.
No. [chuckling]
Look, I'll tell you what.
I can, um, squeeze
you in first thing
Friday morning with Dr. Zekey.
Have you heard of Dr. Zekey?
I haven't...
"Zee-kee."
He's very good.
This application, it... it's
quite confidential, isn't it?
Oh. yes!
I mean, the media's so...
Intrusive?
Of course!
Look, it's totally confidential.
No need to make an
appointment just yet.
Hey, hey, hey...
How about... why?
Why can't we make an
appointment just yet?
Well, it's really more for
my friend here, you see.
[phone ringing]
Friend?
Friend?
Yeah, I'm his friend.
[non-english speech]
[ding]
[chattering]
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I just can't sleep.
Why don't you come back to bed?
I told you.
I can't sleep.
What the fuck?
What?
There's someone taking
photos of me, of the building.
What?
Yeah, look, right there.
There's someone taking photos.
Alex, just stay here.
I'll go.
Hey!
What are you doing,
you fucking creep?
Fuck you, I'm not
doing anything wrong.
Why are you running
away for, then?
Huh?
'FUCK you!
Fuck it.
[music playing]
What?
ALEX (INTO CAMERA): Well, here
we are, building-building a...
Oh, can you behave?
Can you actually
walk normal, please?
[laughs]
[chattering]
ALEX (INTO CAMERA): Excuse me.
Excuse me, what...
What's your name?
Uh, Brett.
ALEX (INTO CAMERA): Brett?
All right.
I'm Alex.
How are you doing?
- Good.
ALEX (INTO CAMERA):
How's it all going?
Like, how far away do you think
we are from... from moving in?
Eh, [inaudible] right now,
almost for lock up, so...
ALEX (INTO CAMERA): Yep.
Your feet... you've
got very nice calves.
[laughing]
ALEX (INTO CAMERA):
ls it... do you...
Are you serious?
ALEX (INTO CAMERA): No, you do!
Are you commenting on my calves?
ALEX (INTO CAMERA): Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You do.
I mean, I'm just- I'm just
saying, like you must...
Do you work out outside this, or
is this sort of the job that...
Uh, I play footy, so...
ALEX (INTO CAMERA):
Oh, you play football?
Yeah, yeah.
ALEX (INTO CAMERA):
With lots of guys...
This our view.
Our view.
It's a good spot.
It's a great spot.
Wait, what do I say...
You head's in the way.
Listen, Ocean Grove
will be a great spot.
You were right.
ALEX (INTO CAMERA):
Come on, say something.
Come on, this is, uh...
This is your project.
Come on, tell us a
little bit about it.
For developing these plans,
we thank you for doing this,
because we couldn't have...
Thank you guys for
paying me so much...
ALEX (INTO CAMERA):
Kiss... kiss the camera.
I've grossly overcharged you...
I'm not kissing the camera.
ALEX (INTO CAMERA): Tell us
how much you love this project
by kissing the camera.
We want to see commitment!
OK, all right!
[chattering]
Alex, you're going to have to
design those bathrooms quickly.
One in white, and
one pink for the baby.
Alex!
You know how my
designs are in demand.
Originality...
And imagination linked
with practicability.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, this is nothing
to do with design.
It's to do with
legality and gender.
Yeah, well, our
gender is our design,
and we have a design problem.
Look, all we have to
do is find some way
to make our money more
important to these people
than our design.
- What'!
Yeah.
You want to bribe
the adoption agency?
Well, I want to make
it worth their while.
This isn't fucking
television, Alex!
You- you can't
offer them a price
and expect to make a deal.
And have you even
thought whether or not
you'll love the baby?
Of course I'll love
the baby, Steve.
- Will you?
- Yes.
You... you expect just to look
at a baby and say, I love you?
Yes.
Because I don't think I could
do that, just look at a baby
and go, I love you,
you're my child.
You're being fucking ridiculous!
No amount of money
is going to change
the fact that officially and
legally, we're not a couple.
[game show in background]
Listen, I told Ajay
you're a solid worker
and that he should move
you up the ranks a little.
Really?
Yeah, of course, really.
I told you I'd look after you.
It's not going to
happen overnight.
It may take a little
while to get moving.
But I'm onto it.
Now get the fuck out of here.
Go on.
Come on, slow poke.
Oh, shut up.
Mr. Competition.
Nice running style.
Shut up!
[laughs]
[text alert]
What's that?
Nothing.
Give us a look.
Nothing.
Give... give it here.
" If you're interested in the
family, but can't conceive,
call Nancy at Dreamland.com."
Well, that sounds about
right, doesn't it?
Dreamland.
You know, babies
manufactured to your choice,
just pay us a billion dollars.
No, no, no, look, she wants to
put up her baby for adoption.
She's flogging her baby
on the internet, Alex.
Oh, just give it to me.
She wants to put up her
baby for adoption privately.
- Don't sugarcoat it.
- I'm not sugarcoating anything!
It's either that or
it's a fucking scam.
Will you just try this with me?
Alex, it won't work.
It won't work'?
No.
Oh, it won't work?
All right, well
then, prove it to me.
Prove to me this won't work,
because I'm ready for this.
Fine.
Fine?
But when this doesn't
work, you agree to stop.
All right?
This is it.
If... if this doesn't
work, then we're done.
We tried our best,
but it's over.
Agreed?
- If?
- If.
If.
She's late.
It's only three minutes, she
may have got the wrong place.
[high heels tapping]
Do you think that was her?
No, she doesn't have a
dog with her, does she?
No, she doesn't
have a dog with her,
but she doesn't have a
baby with her either.
Look, I... I don't think
she's going to show, Alex.
Fuck it, let's go.
- No!
No, I'm staying.
All right.
You stay, I'm going.
Steve, just...
Excuse me?
Yes?
I'm looking for a
little white dog.
A dog-dog?
Yeah, a little white dog.
Are you Nancy, or...?
Yeah.
Where's your partner?
Uh, she couldn't make it, but
I brought a friend instead.
This is...
Hi, I'm Chris.
Yeah.
What-uh, wait, please!
- I've got to go.
- Wait, wait.
Please, please, please!
Where's... where's your wife,
or your girlfriend, or whatever?
Look, let's just sit
down and have a coffee.
Look, it's a bit...
It's a bit complicated,
but I'll explain everything.
Please.
OK.
But I can't stay long.
I've got to get to [inaudible].
I'll explain everything.
I've really got to go,
because I've got to get to...
That's OK, that's OK.
Look, um... Chris is...
I'm his partner.
Yeah.
- [scoffs]
- Look... no!
Please, please, just sit down.
Please just listen.
One minute, one coffee.
OK'?
I've really got to
get more [inaudible],
they can't get me
in before 4:00.
All right, all right.
Um, I'll get the coffees.
Cappuccino, latte, macchiato-
Hot chocolate?
Long black, short black?
What will it be?
A scone.
A scone?
Two scones.
All right, two scones.
Thanks.
Please, sit.
Must be great to have a baby.
I haven't got it yet.
Oh, she's... she's
away, or... something?
No, you just can't
see it, not yet.
Why?
[scoffs] I'm pregnant.
Pregnant?
Yeah.
[sniffs]
[music playing]
Pregnant.
I just-I don't understand.
I mean...
- What, why?
- Why?
Why. why...
Yes.
Why I put the ad up?
Yes.
Why I wanted to sell it'?
'Cause I've got no money
and nowhere to fucking go,
that's why.
So I could sell it lo...
A nice couple, you know.
And you seemed pretty cool.
And I get here, and all I
find is a... a couple of fags.
Yeah, all right.
OK, look.
Nancy?
Nancy, we can help you, OK'?
With-with the birth,
with the pregnancy.
All of it.
Other people have contacted
me, straight people.
Yeah, I... I understand that.
But we can help you.
It'll cost money, you know.
I'm not donating.
Of course.
I have to think about it.
I've got to go.
Chris will be back
in a... in a minute.
I'll contact you.
He'll...
I'll give you a call.
Nancy...
[airplane engine]
Alex, you're stressing
me out about this.
I can't talk now.
I'm at work.
Look, I'll give you a
call on the way home.
OK.
All right, bye.
I love you, too.
Sounds like someone's got
you on a short leash there.
Hey, Ajay!-
It's not very
often that we see...
Now, listen, Steven,
I want to talk to you
about some rumors
that are flying
around upstairs at the moment.
Has someone said they're
having my love child...
No, no.
There's a lot of talk going
around about you sucking cock.
Sucking cock?
Normally, I don't listen
to the shit that gets thrown
around upstairs,
but these rumors are
filtering up from the bottom.
And when they come from below,
you know, I tend to listen.
Nobody knows dirt
like the plebs.
Well, who's saying it?
Well, I don't want
to be saying anything.
Now, I don't give a
shit where you stick
your cock in your spare time.
You want to go dirt track?
That's your business.
But my business is this
show, and our demographic
is the nanas and the fat
old housewives that tune in
everyday to watch
your pretty little mug
smiling back at
her so they can get
all sopping wet in their seats.
Steven, no one is going
to tune in to watch
a fag give away prizes.
Even for SBS, this
is prime time, mate.
Mate, I'm prime time.
Good!
Good.
Then I'll go and tell the rumor
mill to go and fuck itself.
Yeah, do that.
You know what?
They're just jealous that I
get more pussy than they do.
[inaudible] get pussy?
You watch, they'll start
calling me Elton John.
Hey, Elton!
Fuck.
[Sighs]
Who the fuck would be talking?
It's bound to happen, Steve.
You're on TV, people say shit.
But they'd be saying it
even if you were straight.
Everyone has a G-A-Y
scandal at times...
Yeah, but I am!
That's the problem.
Hey!
Hey, that's not a problem.
The studio doesn't want
a fag as a host, Alex.
Oh, don't say that word!
Oh, well, how is
"unemployed" for a word?
You like that?
They're not going to
fire you for sucking cock.
Oh, no, they won't fire me.
They'll just replace
me, won't they?
Yeah, well, then you
shouldn't be working for them.
I like my job.
I like what I do,
and I like who I am.
Really?
Yeah.
Who are you?
Steven Evans.
I took on this job
knowing full well
the studio doesn't
want a faggot host...
Don't say that word!
Oh, fuck the word!
This is my career we're
talking about here.
You do like sucking cock.
[music playing]
[Sighs]
Oh, that's all right,
I've got this one.
Here you are, Steven.
So how's your day been?
Shit.
Ah.
Why's it been shit?
Just a shit day, Charlie.
Well, if there's anything
I can do to make it better,
all you have to do is ask.
That I will, Charlie.
That I Will.
Well, what are we
celebrating here?
Nancy.
Nancy?
Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.
She contacted me.
She wants to meet us.
Great.
When?
Don't know yet.
[airplane engine]
Look, Nancy, we'll
look after you.
OK'?
We'll get you
everything you need.
And you're free to change
of mind if you want.
No strings attached.
No strings attached?
No strings attached.
Like I said, I've
had other offers.
Yeah, I'm sure you have.
But we... we'll match
them, we'll double them.
Within reason, of course.
Your partner creeps me out.
He doesn't say much.
He's just the silent time,
but he wants this just as much.
HS me.
(SCOFFING) Yeah.
Don't you, Chris?
Chris!
Yes, of course.
And he means it.
He means it.
You know, we both do.
We just... we just want to
know that you're for real.
Look, I know you haven't
known us that long, Nancy,
but you can...
It's Nerine.
What?
My name's Nerine, not Nancy.
I just didn't want to use my
real name on the internet.
Look, Nerine, we can help you.
I don't want this baby.
[coughing]
I just want cash, OK?
Cash.
I just want to forget
about the whole thing.
Look, Nerine, I want
to give you something
to show you that we're serious.
Yeah?
Will you just her the cash?
[airplane engine]
Please.
This is just as a start.
OK'?
I need to go pee.
What?
She's probably
going to run, Alex.
Fucking hell!
She's in the toilet!
She's probably
not even pregnant.
Have you thought about
the father... HIV/AIDS?
Who the fuck knows what?
I want this one.
You're living in a dream world.
Yeah?
Well, I like it there.
All right.
You can have it.
[construction noises]
[groans]
There you go.
Holy shit!
[chuckling]
It's fucking big!
How many bedrooms has it got?
Four.
There's a special one for the
baby, with its own bathroom.
What the fuck does a baby
need its own bathroom for?
So when they get older, they
can have their own space.
It's a load more
than I got as a kid.
We just wanted to
make sure the baby
had everything it could want.
Exactly.
Spoiled if you ask me.
Hey, you could help
design the nursery.
Yeah, you know?
You could choose the...
The colors, or the drapes,
or one of those mobile
things above the cot?
No, you do it.
I'll do it.
Guys, come on!
The beach is waiting.
Come on!
[music playing]
Alex, I thought
you might want this.
And this.
And this.
Nerine... Nerine,
it's... it's beautiful!
I think it's ugly.
Looks like an alien.
But it's your baby!
It's not my baby, Alex.
It's yours.
It's just in me.
[gasps] Are you sure
you don't want these?
I'm sure.
I don't want this.
MAN (ON TAPE): Where
is a good restaurant?
[speaking french]
The menu, please.
[speaking french]
I'm heading off.
OK.
See you later.
MAN (ON TAPE): [speaking french]
I like my steak well done.
[speaking french]
Yeah... yeah, I'll be home soon.
I just have to stay back
and have a chat with Bob,
and I'll be out of here.
OK.
Bye.
[sighs] Fucking babies.
[Sighs]
[Scoffs]
What's cooking, good looking?
I don't cook.
Jump in.
[car starting]
What a shame, it looks
like there's no one around.
No audience for Mr. TV Man.
Good. [police siren]
Good.
Well, having people watch
is half the fun, isn't it?
No, no.
I spend all my life in
front of the camera.
You've got to have
something for yourself.
I think I'd love to
spend some time in front
of the camera with you.
[laughing]
Who knows, maybe you could
find yourself a new career?
[laughing] Ah, there
are limits, my friend.
Charlie, there are limits.
Oh, I don't have any limits.
You're about to find that out.
Here we are.
Is this good enough?
Oh, this looks very naughty!
[seat belt unbuckling]
Well?
[clothing rustling]
[moaning] Keep on
going! [moaning] Oh!
Oh, fuck!
Oh!
[moaning]
Yeah, yeah.
Keep going?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, fuck!
The fuck?
Get the fuck out of here!
Oh, shit!
Fuck off!
Fuck off!
[beeping]
What the fuck...
All right, let's go.
What the fuck...
Fucking belts.
Let's get out of here.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
You all right'?
Yeah.
You'll have to walk from here.
Yeah, cool.
You know, you
should, um... you call
me, or text me, or something,
if you want to do this again.
Great.
Now, listen, Charlie,
you're not going to mention
this to anyone, are you?
[scoffs] No.
What do you think I am, stupid?
I'm serious.
You just keep your mouth shut.
Well, most of the time anyway.
[car starting]
[music playing]
See you later, Chuck.
[Sighs]
Fuck!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Shit!
[sobbing]
Hello?
Nerine?
What-we're on our way.
Uh, Nerine, she was
admitted... she's pregnant.
Birthing.
She's birthing?
Fuck... having a baby?
Where is she?
Who... who are you after'?
Nerine.
Surname?
Evans.
Mm, no Evans.
Nerine... Nerine,
that's all I know.
Nerine!
Mm, ooh, here we are.
Nerine Thomson.
She's in delivery room B. It's
straight down the corridor,
follow the blue
line to your left.
Great!
Uh... just the father.
Is... are you the father?
Yeah, yes.
Yes, he is.
Well, I'm afraid you're
going to have to wait here.
Wait, what?
He's family!
I'm her brother-I'm
her half brother, her only
living relative, you can't...
You can see her later.
Steve!
Alex, I've got to go.
Hey, OK'?
It'll be OK.
[non-english speech]
[ambulance siren]
[announcer on loudspeaker]
MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Dr. Kelly,
prepare clinical operations
[inaudible].
Dr. Kelly.
[non-english speech]
Daddy, you've got a baby boy.
[sobbing]
[music playing]
Oh, there you go!
There he is!
Hello!
[laughing]
He's going to be a surfer
when he grows up, Alex.
Yeah?
[panting]
[moaning]
[gasping]
Steve.
Yeah?
Listen to this.
It's to the general
manager at the firm.
Dear Richard, some
time ago, I attended
a seminar where an
executive from London
had a look at my work.
He'd since contacted me and
offered me a great position
with his firm...
"He's," not "he'd-" "He's."
"He's since?"
Yeah.
OK.
He's since contacted
me and offered
me a great position with his
firm in the New York office.
I think you know I've always
wanted to experience some
of the American
industry, and would
like to offer my resignation.
I've always enjoyed
working at Graphica,
and would like to thank you
for your never failing support
over the last few years.
It's been a great experience
working with the team,
and blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
Are you sure you're set on this?
Yeah!
I didn't go through all this
just to never be around him.
You do love him, don't you?
Of course I do.
You know I do.
I just want to make sure
you're not going to do anything
that you're going to regret.
[burps]
Excuse you.
Excuse me.
Look, I'm not going to
regret anything, all right?
I'll open my own
freelance connection.
I'll call it AT Design.
Yeah.
All right.
You know, there's always the
option of a full-time nanny.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want anybody
else raising my child.
Our... our child.
- Mm.
- Sorry.
Our child.
Well, so much for the castle.
[sighs] Guess we can rule
out a career in architecture.
I think he might be
better at demolition.
Demolition?
Yeah.
Oh, don't say that.
He'll wind up wearing
King G and hanging
outwith guys called Bubba.
Don't be an elitist.
What's up with you?
It's hard.
Being a dad?
No, hiding it.
One of the makeup girls
came in the other day
with a photograph of
her two-year-old son.
I had to bite my tongue
not to tell her about Sam.
I know.
I mean, it's hard enough
not telling her about you,
but... but him.
Me?
Me?
Me?
[screaming]
[dramatic music on tv]
Daddy?
Jesus, can you just take him?
Sure.
You got him?
Yup.
Yay, baby Sam!
[baby crying]
What's the matter?
I just think he's in a mood.
A what?
A mood.
A mood, you know.
He's being cranky.
[baby crying]
Shh!
Infants don't have moods.
Hey, hey, what's wrong with you?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Hey, Steve, nothing's
wrong with me, all right?
I'm going down to the shop.
I'm going to get some milk.
We've got milk.
Yeah, it's off.
Hey, hang on... hang on.
We'll all go.
To the shops?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't think so.
[chainsaw on tv]
Won't belong.
[screaming on tv]
[baby crying]
[baby cooing]
Hey.
[baby crying]
Are you going to
cry again on me?
Oh, that tickles.
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
Mm?
You like being hung upside
down, too, don't you?
Don't you?
Yeah?
[giggling]
Ahah, uh oh!
Uh oh!
Uh oh!
I'm stuck upside down...
[moaning on tv]
[door opens]
Took a while.
I went for a walk.
Felt like some exercise.
I, uh, got some baby milk.
And, um, organic [inaudible].
And this.
Sam's asleep.
That's good.
That's good, he... he needed it.
So, dinner?
[sighs] Yup.
Dinner.
[wind chimes]
We are not of thee, nor
are we children at all.
We are nothing, less
than nothing, and dreams.
We are only what
might have been,
and must wait upon
the tedious shores,
or let the millions
of ages before we
have existence and a name.
What is it?
"Dream-Children, A
Reverie," by Charles Lamb.
[music playing]
[interposing voices]
All right, this is [inaudible].
OK.
Sammy!
He's looking... he
likes the helicopters.
Maybe he wants to be a
pilot, or something like that.
He's got the right
jacket for it.
I think he does.
A happy pilot.
A happy pilot!
He likes upside down!
[giggling]
No, no!
[phone ringing]
All right, all right.
God, no!
Get it!
All right, all right, all right.
Get it, get it!
Hello?
[whistles] Hey, uh,
this is a surprise.
It's Nerine.
What?
Nerine?
How are you?
[rain pattering]
Hello?
Alex, I'm going to
come down tomorrow, OK?
Uh, OK, sure, whenever.
I can come pick you
up later, if you want.
Hello?
No, I can get a...
A mate to drive me.
How's Sammy?
[coins clink] [beeping]
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Nerine?
[beep] What do you think
this could be about?
Money.
[doorbell]
[doorbell]
[Sighs]
[slurping]
[slurping]
[thunder]
[slurping]
It's her fucking kid.
[thunder]
It's hers.
She's its mom.
Nerine, if...
You said that any
time I changed my mind,
that I could come back.
But we made an arrangement.
That was the arrangement, Chris.
There you go, Chris.
Chris, problem solved.
[sighs] All right, OK, let's
be reasonable about this.
If you really want Sam back,
then we won't oppose you...
What the fuck you doing?
Shut up!
But we want to
know all the facts.
Now, it was made...
[snapping fingers]
Hey, hey, hey!
[whistles] You fucking
talk to me, all right?
You don't worry about her.
You talk to me.
And who the fuck are you?
Well, I'm glad
you asked, Steven.
It's Chris.
Really?
[laughing] Baby, have
we got the right house?
Yeah.
You sure?
Yeah.
This is the number 3, isn't it'?
No, I'm only joking.
I'm only joking.
No, I'm... I'm really sorry.
I'll tell you what, I'll
bet your viewers don't
know about this little fucking
game show going on here,
do they?
So if you don't give her
back the fucking kid, mate,
you won't be giving hugs to your
fucking precious fans anymore.
You won't be shining your
pearly fucking whites on telly.
You'll be getting fists
in your fucking arse
until you fucking
bleed in jail, cunt.
You all right'?
But I bet you'd love that,
wouldn't you, princess?
Blackmail's a criminal offense.
What do you call fucking
tricking young girls
into getting their fucking kid?
Who the fuck are you?
[baby toy] Show them
your ring ring, eh?
See?
Show 'em your ring.
Hey.
See, we're fucking married.
See?
The fuck?
Come to think of it, that makes
me the kid's legal guardian...
Oh, that's debatable.
You're not even the real father.
How the fuck do you know?
Sammy might be getting a
little brother one day.
Make a real family, something
you two fucking faggots
will never be able to manage.
Listen, Jake, maybe we
can work something out.
Alex, be careful...
- Shut... just shut the fuck up!
- Just let me...
- Just me fucking do this...
- Just give us a week, Nerine!
- Oh, ho ho.
- One week!
A week for them... [baby crying]
to fucking get on a plane...
One-one week.
And then we'll never
see those cunts again.
Shut the fuck up, I'm
not talking to you.
It's all right, Jakey.
I'll tell you who's
all right, sweetie.
OK?
- It's all right.
No, I'll tell you
who's all right.
Right now, I'm saying
they're full of fucking shit.
I'll pay you, cash...
Steve!
Now, just shut up!
How much?
It's a risk we're
taking, how fucking much?
How much?
$5,000, just until we get
this clear in our minds.
Why not'?
Ding ding.
[laughing] Ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding!
We have a winner,
ladies and gentlemen!
Yeah!
Mr. and Mrs. Faggot
just bought themselves
one week's stinking time.
That's what I'm liking.
Hey, want to go see him?
Come on, come on.
Go get the fucking key.
Hey, we're giving
you five grand...
Nay, you're giving us five grand
to see whether or not we'll let
you see the fucking kid again,
all right?
[interposing voices]
[Punch]
[yelling]
[interposing voices]
Just calm down, sweetie.
Calm down, sweetie...
You're a fucking cunt!
It's all right.
I'm just going to grab
my shit and leave.
Is that all right with you?
You're a real fucking
cunt, do you hear me?
What's that?
Maybe if I didn't
have a fucking ear,
perhaps Sammy ought
to be able to fucking
hear you better, huh?
Maybe if I didn't have
an ear, perhaps Sammy
won't be able to
fucking hear you better.
[inaudible]
[phone ringing]
Follow me.
I dare you.
[thumping hood] Got it!
Got it!
Going for a ride, mate.
Here we go!
Here we go. [car starts]
[loud music (on stereo)]
[car stalls] [squeaking]
[car starts]
[loud music (on stereo)]
[music playing]
[thunder]
[gasping]
[moaning]
[moaning]
[dance music]
So what are you doing
over the weekend?
Well, I was planning on
having a little dinner party.
Ooh!
But I'm not going to be
inviting these two [inaudible].
This is the excitement.
[laughing]
Alex!
Richard, hey, how are you?
Good, good.
This is, uh, Sandra.
Hey!
Hi!
- This is Julian.
- Hi.
Hey.
And, uh, this is
my friend, Steve.
Oh, hi.
So how was New York?
Yeah, good.
It's good.
It's good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
Yeah, you know, I've got clients
that still miss you, you know.
How about, uh, I get you to
come back and work again?
Oh, I don't know.
So everything good?
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, couldn't be better.
Well, um, come and have
a drink with us, yeah?
Share your stories about
the life in the pearl
of the civilized world, eh?
Great.
OK.
Well, well.
Hm!
Any other travel secrets
you'd like to share?
Yeah, how is New York
at this time of year?
New York, New York!
Where else are you going?
Bahamas next?
[laughing]
God, what is wrong with
both of you tonight?
Come on, it's something.
Oh!
Shots, maybe?
God, Gus has got more life in
bed than both of you, honestly.
And that's after a few beers.
Like a bunch of dead fish.
Mm!
Bugger, don't worry about them.
So tell me more
about this dinner
party we're going to have.
Well, I was thinking
seafood-themed.
No!
I'm over seafood.
Let's do Greek.
[music fades]
[moaning on tv]
[baby crying]
Oh, fuck off.
Fuck, kid, if you
don't fucking shut up,
I'll fucking shut you up!
Never mind him, Jakey.
[baby crying]
[pounding on door]
I'm trying to
fucking listen, kid!
I'm trying to fucking listen!
Fucking shut up,
you fucking kid!
What's the fucking
matter with you?
Fuck off!
Fucking mind your
own fucking business!
[pounding on door] What is
your fucking shit... fucking
give him nothing!
Fuck you, kid!
Fuck and do that all
fucking day, too, you know!
Leave him the fuck alone, Jakey!
I could fucking do it all
fucking day, longer than you,
you fucking kid!
You fucked up kid!
Whaa!
Whaa!
[whirring noise]
He's not going to let Sam
go for any single amount.
He's got the perfect
blackmail scenario now.
Each time he goes broke,
he's going to threaten
to tell the world about us.
I could fucking kill the cunt.
I will fucking kill the cunt.
Alex, listen.
I'll fucking kill him.
It's not the end of the world.
I mean, we could take a break.
I... I could have a nervous
breakdown or something,
you know'?
We'll go away.
Why would you care?
You know, he stole our baby,
and you want to take a holiday?
I mean...
How could just say that?
You're the one that wants
to go off to the west indies!
He's my son!
Your son?
[stammers] Our son.
Don't you think I know that?
I don't know!
I've lost my son, too.
Oh, you didn't lose him.
No, no, no.
You paid that prick to take him.
You let him go, you
fucking tipped like you
were tipping one of your
fucking waiter friends
for good service.
- Oh, fuck you.
You're a fucking joke.
Fuck you!
You're a fucking joke!
Nobody made him.
Nobody forced.
You did!
He wasn't even ours.
He was never ours.
I want you to leave.
Get out.
Get the fuck out!
[music playing]
[sobbing]
Hey, Kimber, sweetheart.
Me?
I want to get messy.
I want to get fucked up.
[dance music]
[dramatic music]
[beeping]
[buzzer]
MAN (ON INTERCOM):
Yeah, come up.
[snorting]
What the fuck happened?
I've had a fuck few days.
Sit.
I don't think I
can go home tonight.
I... I don't think I can go home.
We had a fight.
[snorting]
Over what?
Family.
[scoffs] Oh, that one.
Yeah, always gives
me the twitch.
Me too.
[inaudible] I don't
know, I need more.
I just-I don't know.
Steven, it is OK to
not want to settle down.
OK'?
You are allowed to just
give a fuck about yourself.
I mean, babies
aren't for everyone.
We knew we had to be careful.
He should respect who you are.
Fucking Alex.
Hey!
Stop worrying about him.
Worry about you, mate.
[heavy breathing]
Listen, Tim...
What?
[struggling] Stop!
Stop!
Fuck... what the fuck, Steven?
Get the... get the fuck out!
[door slams]
Morning.
I lost my keys.
Where'd you go last night?
No... don't tell me.
I'm sorry.
[ragged breathing]
[sobbing] I miss you both.
[tv static]
[nuzzling] There's
something I need you to do.
[inaudible] Hey, you
got to go for me.
I can't go to them, Jakey.
[Sighs]
I can't.
[inaudible]
No!
[slap]
[interposing voices]
I'll fucking do it!
I'll find a guy and I'll get
you a couple of hundred, easy!
Fucking [inaudible]
[screams] [crying]
Fuck you!
You fucking will!
You'll tell them all
your fucking troubles!
I swear!
You fucking did that
once before, remember?
(CRYING) I swear I'll
just get the money!
Fuck off.
Just get the...
Listen to me, don't
fucking hit me, bitch.
Eh'?
You fucking hit me'?
Fucking try.
(LOUDLY) Fucking try it again!
Fucking try it again!
As if I want fucking petty cash.
Does it fucking
look like I want it?
I want $100,000 fucking dollars.
[sobbing]
I want $100,000-
How the fuck...
dollars!
Don't fucking [inaudible] back.
I want 100 grand...
How the fuck am I meant
to ask for that much money?
By fucking tomorrow.
(SOBBING) What if they
don't give it to me?
Jakey, what if they
don't give it to me?
[sobbing]
What did we get the kid for?
What did we get the kid for?
What did we get the kid for?
Hey, Sammy'.!
[giggling] What did we get
the fucking kid for, eh?
What the fuck did
we get him for?
All right, Jakie, Jakie.
I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
I've got to take, Jake.
I've got to take him.
I've got to take-I've got
to take Sammy with me... I...
You fucking won't take him!
I have to take him with me,
otherwise they won't give me...
You fucking won't fucking
take him with you!
You fucking bitch!
You fucking don't come back!
You fucking don't come back
or I'll fucking stitch him...
[screaming]
[inaudible]
Please don't hurt him!
Into Sam.
I'll fucking stick one into you.
If you don't fucking
come back, I'll
fucking [inaudible] All right?
OK'?
[screaming] Stop it, please!
You fucking [inaudible]
[static]
[interposing voices]
[static gets louder]
[scream]
Oy, squid lips, get your
hand off it, we're on.
Fuck me, Kimber!
You're going to force
us into a later time
slot dressed like that.
I love it!
Well, if you think
it's too much,
maybe you should come
and dress me next time.
Well, unfortunately, my
specialty is undressing,
isn't it, sweetheart'?
Hm, that works as well.
No thanks.
[squeaking]
Come on, you don't
need to go, eh?
[baby toy]
Where you going to go?
Come on.
(SOOTHINGLY) Hey, hey, hey.
[inaudible]
[baby cooing]
(SOFTLY) Come on.
[inaudible]
Come on.
All right.
Mm.
[baby cooing]
[sobbing]
It's OK, Jakey.
We have exclusive uncensored
footage of Steven Evans'
wild sex romp in Melbourne
that everybody's talking about
and that Channel 4
didn't want you to see.
Let's take a look.
[moaning]
You never know who's
going to be watching.
Fucking bullshit!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
[music playing]
[baby crying]
[voices on tv]
What the fuck?
How the fuck'?
How did you fucking get that?
Holy shit!
Shut up, Sammy.
Don't worry, baby.
It'll be all right.
[baby crying]
NARRATOR (ON TV): The embryo
is now starting to take shape.
Fuck.
Fucking [inaudible].
NARRATOR (ON TV): The
top... The trunk of the body
stretches down below.
The head doesn't look
much like a head yet.
But at day 15, nerve
cells begin to form
in what will become
the brain, as
well as in the spinal column...
Jakey?
NARRATOR (ON TV):
which is exposed
and totally unprotected
by either skin or bone.
Jake?
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[brakes squealing]
Come on.
There's still some
more stuff in the cot.
Alex, get the stuff.
Yup.
Nerine, get Sam and take
him downstairs in the car.
OK'?
Sammy, say, bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Sammy.
Steve.
Doesn't he look odd to you?
Yeah.
He doesn't have a pulse.
Shit!
All right, I'm
calling triple zero.
Hey, put it away.
We don't have to call anyone.
We can't!
Yes, we can.
Alex, get that stuff
and go downstairs now.
NOW!
[car starts]
OK.
[voices on tv]
Now he's yours, [inaudible].
He always was.
Alex, I...
I know, uh, we don't have
any legal right to him.
I know.
I... I know that.
And if, you know, if you
need to be around him, I...
I understand that.
I... I know how hard it
is to be away from him.
Maybe one day I can be like
Auntie Nerine or something.
[Scoffs]
For right now, I
just need to go away.
[Sighs]
I'm going to go to bed.
Nerine, you know, stay for
as long as you want, OK?
You know that?
Stay, stay forever,
if you want to.
Forever?
Nothing lasts forever.
SAM: But the sad
truth to all this
is that, legally, we're
only Sam's guardians.
In the eyes of the law, we're
his protectors, his providers,
his defenders, and his friends.
But the law will not allow
us to be called his fathers.
Now, I want every
man and woman to be
able to feel the
joy that I feel,
so I've decided to end
my career in television
and join the G&L Alliance
for the sole purpose
of completely legalizing
adoption for same-sex couples.
[applause]
[cheering]
[music playing]
How do you feel?
Proud.
My dad called.
Wants to meet up.
Scared, Alex?
Being scared, it... it
doesn't mean you're weak.
I just want Sam to
feel proud of me.
He will be.
We've witnessed the commitment
of two people in love.
Two men, which is right.
But it doesn't only mean a
union between Steven and Alex,
it also signifies a family.
Steven, Alex, and
their son, Sam,
whom they will nurture and
bring up to be the man they
want him to be.
Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you Steven and Alex.
[applause]
[whooping]
[honking]
[glass clinking]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please charge your glasses
and join me in a toast
to the happy couple, the
two grooms, Alex and Steven.
Alex and Steven!
[whooping]
[cheering]
[heavy breathing]
[moaning]
[music playing]